#the way she has been doing has not always yielded good results

[sunshine-jesse]

The Incest End is Not The Bad End, Part 2: The Sane Ending Is Still A Bad Ending

In the first essay I wanted to deconstruct the idea that Ashley was the sole perpetrator of abuse. I wanted to take a look at how unhealthy their dynamic actually was and lay out clear indications that Ashley could, at the very least, fix her own problems, and wasn't a lost cause. I also wanted to show that them ending up together, be it romantically, in death, or even platonically (although I'm not convinced the Sane Burial ending can lead to that) was inevitable.

Here, however, I want to make a more difficult argument: That their relationship turning romantic is not just Not That Bad, but actually Good, at least in the context of what's best for the two of them in the long run. And to do that, I'm going to draw comparisons to the common narrative that it's the bad ending, again. I think it's the easiest way to explain my points, even though it might make me seem like I'm being contrarian or playing the Devil's Advocate.

But I'm not. I actually do think this is the only way they can heal. Why?

WELL.

My biggest driving factor for this belief is and always has been the difference in tone between the two endings. The 'correct' ending under conventional understandings of morality and relationships would be one where he breaks away from Ashley, but the only ending in which that's shown to be possible is the Decay ending. In the ending where Ashley has bullets in the gun (and therefore has control over the situation), she has to yield control over the situation to Andrew, and (going off the reading I established in the last essay) he understands and accepts just how much their dynamic means to him and how important Ashley really is to him.

In a sense, he self-actualizes in the same way he does in the Burial ending: Ashley yields control where it matters the most in both, resulting in him he fully understanding and accepting himself and what he wants, because Ashley's controlling nature no longer prevents him from seeing the truth. Ashley no longer casts a shadow that allows him to be blind to his true nature- his true desires.

In the Burial ending, he wants her either romantically and sexually (in the questionable ending) or as a friend (in the sane one). He lets go of his own need to control her, and accepts the fact that he was never better than her to begin with. In the Gun!Decay ending, he wants her dead. The damage has been done. Whatever final line was crossed made him realize that he can't control Ashley, and a world in which she cannot be controlled is one better off without her.

But in both, he can't live without her.

The tone of the Decay ending is tense. It's dismal. It's emotionally ravaging. Andrew is not acting like someone who wants to break free, he's acting like someone who has given up. He's angry and he's suicidal, but he no longer has any reservations about making intimate physical contact with Ashley.

…and Ashley looks terrified and sad, especially in the last screenshot, which gives off some seriously dark implications about what Andrew might do to her in the Decay route.

He's given up on healing. He's given up on being normal. His heart and his mind both Decay as he's dragged along by an Ashley who's doing whatever she can to try to not allow a murder-suicide to happen and only making it worse in the process, because SHE has no foundation through which to improve or change her perspective on the world, either (more on that below).

In the NoGun!Decay ending, we don't know what he does after. He fails to self-actualize because Ashley never yields that need for control, and he follows the same pattern he always does of resorting to violence the moment he thinks he's losing control. I highly doubt that the ending would be much different- he'd probably just mirror Ashley's reaction of violently kicking the body at first, but he probably wouldn't last long after. Both, in an attempt to regain control or save their own lives, feel temporary relief at the death of the other, because they no longer feel trapped and afraid of what will happen if they leave.

But they also both fail to come into their own as people. Their dynamic- of Ashley being the morally bankrupt one willing to do anything to further their own survival, and Andrew being the one who's careful and calculating and preventing her short-sightedness from causing unintentional consequences- was the only thing that allowed them to survive in the first chapter, and more than likely the second (we don't see the consequences of them not having the trinket's power in ep2 so it's impossible to say for sure). If they don't kill themselves after losing the other and failing to self-actualize, it's almost certain that the world will eat them alive. They're outlaws, on the run, and have nobody to lean on but themselves. Without each other to lean on, it's only a matter of time until they fall.

So. The Decay ending is very obviously bad. There is no freedom to be had from them breaking away from the other; only despair and death. There's catharsis to be had in miserable people meeting a miserable end, sure, but the story goes out of its way to show us that the path to that end will be miserable and unfun and horrifying with the only joy to be derived from it coming from pure schadenfreude. But the story itself makes it clear that this is not intended to be a happy ending and thinking of it as such means you're fundamentally incompatible with what it's trying to convey. It's just a horrifying tragedy of two people who never gave each other what they needed to heal and tore down everything around them in the process.

So, how is the Burial ending better?

The lighter tone is immediately obvious. Ashley trusts Andrew to believe in her, and Andrew goes up to bat for Ashley even in the face of an arguably superficial offer to improve his life; to start it anew. The two just generally have a good time together afterwards, joking around, having fun, and ribbing on each other in a way that comes off as playful rather than hurtful. Andrew, finally, makes progress towards -healing,- because he finally stopped lying to himself about how important Ashley is to him. Why do I think it's a sign of healing, exactly?

Because Andrew, for the first time in the story, is comfortable with what he's doing.

He's comfortable with dismembering their parents. He's rarely tense, hesitates much less, and comforts Ashley instead of just seeking comfort from her. He gives more than just temporary emotional validation; a lot more. So much more, in fact, that it makes ASHLEY uncomfortable. She has difficulty processing not having their push and pull dynamic. She thinks something is off, something is wrong, because she's never seen Andrew so comfortable around her before, or at least lacking reservations in showing that comfort.

She still thinks about the idea of controlling him, of trying to get him to stay. There's internal monologue about it. But that's the difference. Before, we rarely see any internal monologue of her thought patterns- she just acts. Not thinks. But here, she's unsure. Here, she has to look inward. She has to self-reflect. She still frames it as her trying to keep Andy around, but Andrew is making it obvious in both words and actions that he will always be there for her, and he's so COMFORTABLE about it.

Regardless of what her actions in episode 3 end up being, it's still clear to me that the foundation for her to heal is there. She's safe, because she has a warm, comfortable place to return to while she figures herself out.

"So," you might be asking, "doesn't this imply that she'll heal no matter what? Doesn't that make incest technically unnecessary?"

Yes and no. Yes, in the fact that we still see a marked improvement in their dynamic in the Refusal path.

No, in that the Sane ending's tone is still much different.

After the dream sequence, Andrew reveals that he never fell asleep. He never sees that vision. He still self-actualizes to some degree, probably, but he never has his desires laid so bare for him because he doesn't dream. But you have to place sunlight on the left side to see this, so it still leads me to believe that they still grasp the importance of their relationship in that ending. It's just that…

I don't think that they ever, truly heal. I think that they just grow distant. I'll elaborate on what I think that means later down the line.

In the Sane ending, they have much less fun with each other. They don't playfully rib on each other as much- the eulogy in particular seems more spiteful than playful- and they're much less physically affectionate towards each other. It's not dismal. It's not dark or depressing. It's not tense. It's just… there. It's boring. Nothing has changed, and neither has Andrew, which Ashley views him not sleeping as a sign of.

But in the Questionable ending, he -does- sleep.

So what does sleep mean here? It means he can't sleep if he feels he's missing something. It means something is lacking in his life. Something is missing. Is it Ashley's affection? Well, yes, but also not just that. Ashley is just a representation of what he needs: Comfort. Someone to rely on. Someone he know won't leave him. I believe they have the same needs, and those needs just manifest differently. Andrew never had to worry about Ashley leaving him because Ashley was so obsessive that she managed to fill in the all-consuming void that mental illness creates.

But I think in the Sane ending, he starts to doubt that. In the Sane ending, he starts to shake his desire for Ashley. Which is great, right? It means they can finally go down a more conventional, safe path and have a relationship that's societally acceptable. The safe, boring ending that normies would enjoy.

But the fact that he doesn't sleep means that, even if he shakes that desire, he can't shake the need for what she provides.

Because he never sees the vision, he never gets that confirmation that he can pursue a more physically affectionate relationship with Ashley, and given that physical affection is a huge part of the equation for making him feel comfortable and happy (see: the couch scene, where he's the happiest he is in the whole game before the Burial route), he never truly believes he can seek it from her. He never gets it from the one person he trusts to always be around. He never gets that final affirmation that it's okay to be with the one person who has always mattered to him the most, and always will.

If we're to take the scenes at the end of episode 2 as metaphors for what will happen- or has to happen- for the siblings to get the best outcome for their well being (even at the expense of others), then the Questionable route involves Ashley loosening her grip on Andrew and having him naturally fill in the roles she wanted him to all along. But in the Sane route, Ashley bottles up every soul see shes, aside from what's commonly assumed to be Andrew's, who she is uncharacteristically cavalier about letting go.

She's still the same. She still wants to entrap people, and never let them go. She just happens to no longer want to do it to Andrew. She never fundamentally changes. And Andrew?

His soul has nothing to say. It's pitch black. It almost looks demonic, having literally the same color scheme as the Entity and Lord Unknown. If it's already demonic, then it stands to reason that a demon wouldn't want it, because it's just more of the same. Nothing special, nothing they would want, nothing that would be useful to them. In other words… just like Ashley?

He has- or will have- a tar soul.

And what does tar do?

It sticks.

It's the Sane path to take because it involves them conforming to societal expectations. It involves them fitting in, acting as they should, and doing what's expected of them without much fuss. But in the world they're in, they're expected to harm everyone around them. To kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. To never become themselves, and never be truly happy. To never ask questions.

And they'll do all of that, whether they stick together or not. The only difference is how many people they stand to hurt, and whether they're truly happy at the end of it all.

There's a reason the souls of one of the parents- commonly thought to be Mrs. Graves- was unhatched. She probably wanted to love her children. Even Ashley. She just never did, because the world never let her be herself. She never became whole, because it would've resulted in her being too dark to fit into society. But the siblings have a chance to do so. They have a chance to truly focus on each other so they can heal and become better, happier, more complete people in a world that's doing everything it can to incentivize otherwise.

It's just a bit unfortunate for some that Andrew has to fill a hole to become whole.

#the coffin of andy and leyley #andrew graves #ashley graves #coffincest #i am absolutely doubling down on this #nay #quadrupling down

[twitteringthings]

Fresh Thoughts Chapter 57

After reading spoilers on twitter (no spoilers here though^^)

The way Yoneda uses bl stereotypes as a tool while also rejecting some aspects of the genre is so interesting to read. In most bl I've read, sex is seen as the epitome of love - the culmination of two characters' pining and is seen as the end goal that suddenly fixes everything. The dick and brain are one and suddenly everything magically makes sense. But in Saezuru, Yoneda uses sex to unravel the characters while twisting them up even more-so. I believe that sex has never been and will never be the answer for Doumeki or Yashiro, and I think that is what she’s getting at. That is the point of all these sexual encounters that yield no real progress. You need more than three words and some head, ding dongs!

Doumeki thinks that all he has to do is give Yashiro passionate and gentle sex to make him realize that he loves him and imo he has it all wrong. It’s almost like Doumeki doesn’t truly hear Yashiro when he speaks. There's a pause and then a kiss or a continuing of sex as we've seen. I really wish he would’ve probed even further with the questioning instead of giving into desire and kissing Y. To me, it looked like Y was ready to talk more or hear what Doumeki had to say in response to his ‘confession.’

I don’t think D realizes that this is about Y and his view of himself. It doesn’t matter if Doumeki treats him kindly and calls him beautiful. Every person in Yashiro’s life has had an agenda against him or a plan to use him for something (nana excluded). There are always, always strings attached and his heart cannot accept anyone having no intention at all, except to love him purely. I do think D is on the right track though, making Yashiro chase him in a way. Not giving anything away as to make Y either trust his intentions or distrust him, Y needs to choose for himself.

It’s so interesting how the relationship between the two of them is outwardly focused on the physical aspect (which is definitely important), but the story is about the hearts of men. Twisted and broken men. Men with baggage and secrets and deep wounds. Men who seem to be the upmost composed but in reality, the soft touch of a feather can send their entire fortress crashing down. That's what we have here.

Yashiro’s coping mechanism protects him but is also the cause of his continuous pain. Saezuru is about choosing the right pain, the pain that will numb you and have you walk through life as a ghost, or the excruciating discomfort in accepting a foreign act of kindness that you know will save you. And for Yashiro, being saved means there was something wrong done to him in the first place - which I don't think he completely realizes yet. This would mean everything he ever told himself was a lie, and that he deserved none of the cruelty. The truth that would destroy him the most if he truly chose and accepted kindness, is that he is a good person and that he deserves to love himself and to be loved. With Doumeki, this has always been Yashiro’s battle.

Vile actions accompanied by cursed words are what has held Y back all his life from the moment he was raped by his stepfather and throughout the continued abuse, even up to the most recent events post-timeskip. And I think the exact opposite is needed from both sides to finally free both of them from their mental prisons. They just need to hold out and to talk to each other for more than five minutes. I hope they'll get there soon.

Lastly, I'm sure it wasn't her intention to make such an impactful story that subverts a genre and goes against the grain - in a wonderful way. I saw something another person posted that said this story and these characters are just a result of good storytelling and great care and I could not agree more.

I haven't posted anything of actual substance in a while (stupid work is stopping me from my true passion - alas!). These are some messy thoughts; I can't wait to read the actual chapter for true understanding! I need to analyze every pen stroke, blush, and body placement. I just had to get this out of my head, now back to my essay that's due at 11:59 *sobs*

Edit 1:55 am: Still have not started essay

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #doumeki x yashiro #yoneda kou #saezuru spoilers #saezuru fandom #messy thoughts #twitteringthings rambles

[sgiandubh]

He's been in Los Angeles since Tuesday. Work friend saw him in Malubu Tuesday night. She said he was with a couple people no mention of Caitriona.

Dear Tuesday Anon,

I am sorry to pop your balloon here, but I'd be reserved on this. It could fit, but barely.

You all know I am terrible with timelines, but here is my take on things:

Sunday 28th, red carpet in Ostende, Belgium. Afterparty, etc. Perhaps not the best idea to pop in a car all'alba/at daybreak for an almost 5 hour ride to Paris.

Monday 29th, not much. We can speculate, but I would need an Advil. Most probably on this way to Paris. I doubt the Eurostar (the train formerly known as Thalys) was worth a Brussels detour and, while they used to have an Ostende-Paris direct link, it was dropped off around 2015. Why take a 90 minutes' detour (119 km!) to get to the Bruxelles Midi Train Station and hop on the Paris direct Eurostar link for the 90 minute ride, when you could only add (roughly) an hour by car and leave directly from Ostende?

I am immediately having visions of the horrendously impractical hullaballoo at Bruxelles Midi and to me, it's a firm no. @margareth-lv 's guess of a direct car trip is the most logical one and I am sticking with it. Paris pic was posted on Wednesday morning and he was staying at the Hôtel Lutétia, as I heavily hinted in my post (it used to be the Nazi Abwehr/Military Intelligence HQ during World War II). Probably one of the corner suites (angle of rue de Sèvres and Boulevard Raspail), hotel has a very good seafood restaurant, too.

Everything fits: the outside view, the reel/story angle. On my screenshot, x marks the spot on the map and the arrow, the outside view of the corner suites. I should know, it was my playground, many moons ago:

It is possible the reel was taken Monday evening upon arrival, but for being intimately familiar with Parisian nights, my best bet is on Tuesday morning, very early (jogging? leaving?). Just an intuition, and I could be wrong and I am ready to correct and edit, as we go.

We then assume a direct CDG-LAX flight. Since it's not possible to check past flight schedules, we work with a random February Tuesday. First and Business class yield different results (Shipper Mum, a former airline executive, helped me with those over the phone: hi, mum!).

Traveling First Class (very possible, damn expensive, but money is no object and Frequent Flyer mileage - always redeemable):

Traveling Business Class (reasonably possible and two more options):

Factoring in arrival/border/luggage procedures and city/airport, then airport/city transfers, it's not impossible, but to any normal human being who was Batman only on stage (even very fit)... a bit of a stretch.

This is my take on your info. Please don't take it personally (or at least try). I simply think he might have arrived in LA yesterday, Thursday, when the Los Feliz pic was taken, with his luggage in tow.

But you know what, Tuesday Anon? One thing I am sure of, is that this is exactly what he wants us to do, right now. Cue in the Yellow Ski Outfitgate, for fun. Schuss on top - that was a blatant von Trapp latergram and my mind immediately pictured a sidesmile.

At any rate, don't be a stranger. I answered you with all the care and caution in the world. And thank you, whoever you are. It was a fun phone call to Bucharest and Mom, who is laughing like a drain and told me I was probably bonkers.

#anon #fandom #shitshow

[fanficfanattic]

👻 trick or treat 👻

Extra long treat for the wait.

The thing is, Jamie has always made sure that people associated him with loudness. If he was very loudly in the dressing room several minutes ago, and everyone heard him loudly leave the room, the following silence confirms he’s gone.

Sure, most of the time he does do that. But not always. Sometimes he goes silent and it feels like turning invisible. He can sit in the boot room and hear gossip. Which isn’t necessarily why he does it, but it also doesn’t hurt that he’s getting access to it.

People also assume, because he is loud and talks about himself, that he doesn’t listen to what they say. It can mean they just outright say something they’d probably have preferred him to not actually hear. Often times they care less about the information they’re saying so would be surprised to know that he filed it away.

Reading is a struggle, with the way letters move across the page like the dancers at the one ballet Keeley had strong-armed him into attending. Everything about them is supposed to be stiff and starched and fucking crisp. But they move so fast that they become a painting. He wishes he could understand, he does, but the effort has never yielded good enough results.

So he listens to books on tape, and goes on guided tours, and he sometimes mixes up the words specifically used but he remembers the story that’s told incredibly well. It was enough to get him through schooling, weren’t it? Had to do decently to get signed with an academy.

Which he had been bound and determined to have happen. Hence figuring out the workarounds that could make it happen. It’s how Simon even came to know them, and then to fall in love with mummy, and who could blame him really? She was fucking mint, and he never made Jamie feel dumb while they sorted out the best ways for him to learn. Good marks for all three of them, that, and becoming a little family of their own is what kept him sane when his father was exceptionally brutal or crude.

Suffice it to say, he had trained his brain to remember spoken words, and his brain was as fit at that as his body was trained for football.

The real trick was not letting on that he knew more than he strictly ought to given folks expectations.

#jamie tartt #jamie’s mum georgie #jamie’s stepdad simon #james tartt sr #keeley jones #ableism #dyslexia #ted lasso

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

Fic: Surprise

Read on Ao3

Fandom: The Last of Us (HBO)

Ship: Joel Miller x you (cishet f reader)

Tags/warnings: Soft!Joel, Acts Of Service Joel, (female) nudity, implied sexual content.

Summary: Joel has prepared a surprise for you.

Words: 1,809

A/N: Shoutout to @missredherring for the soft!Joel thoughts.

You knew something was up but you couldn't put your finger on it. The extra supply runs that yielded nothing, the comings and goings all by himself which made you extra nervous because he usually always went out with Tess. He eluded your questions elegantly, often with very satisfying results, but in your post-orgasmic slumber you were always aware of the fact that he had once again not answered your questions about what was going on.

"Everything's good," he'd tell you when you insisted, and you began to feel like the nagging girlfriend in one of those old TV shows you would watch back when TVs still were a thing. And that's the last thing that you wanted to be. Besides, you weren't Joel's girlfriend. He didn't do that. You just shared a bed sometimes. You took care of each other. This wasn't a world where you dated. You barely knew how to, anyway: you hadn't been doing a lot of that when the world went to shit, and the time you were supposed to plow through heaps of boyfriends had been spent learning how to survive in this new world order.

Still, you wondered, and you worried. You asked Tess about it, but she was as vague as Joel, which somehow hurt more than you thought it would. You and Tess were good, you trusted her with your life, and now she was clearly in on something with Joel.

You're expecting him home from a run one night, always a little on edge when he's out. When there is a knock on the door, you jump up from the couch. Your skin is crawling with nerves when you open the door just a crack, the safety chain still on.

It's Tess. You let her in, dread filling your belly with ice.

"What's up?" you ask as soon as the door has clicked shut behind her. Tess shakes her head and gives you a reassuring smile.

"Everything's fine, but you have to come with me."

"Where?"

"Joel needs you."

"What is going on, Tess?" you exclaim, frustration making your voice sharp. "You and Joel have been doing this for weeks, keeping me in the dark, coming and going without telling me anything - "

"You'll see soon enough," Tess cuts you off, as collected as ever. You've always admired her strength, her composure, the way she just takes command in the diciest of situations. It's difficult to understand that yours is the bed Joel wants to share at night, at least carnally.

You put on your jacket and follow Tess out. She takes you down the dark alleys to a tunnel leading out of the QZ. You've sneaked out before with her and Joel, but it's still nerve-racking: you're not really meant for that kind of life. Still, you follow Tess, confident that she's more than capable of protecting you if the need should arise.

It's a three hour hike through abandoned streets, and the moon rises over the treetops as you walk in a direction that leads out of the unregulated city.

"Where are you taking me?" you ask Tess in a whisper when climbing over a fence. "Where is Joel?"

"You'll see," is the only answer she offers you, and you don't know if you should be worried. If Joel was in trouble, she would have told you, right?

Finally, when your feet have started to hurt, you arrive at a small two storey house, its walls covered in ivy. Tess walks briskly across the overgrown little front garden, and you follow hesitantly.

"Come on," she tells you, "he's waiting."

She opens the door and steps in, calling Joel's name. You get in behind her, slowly closing the door.

The house is like any other derelict dwelling, long since abandoned, looted, forgotten. You look around you, expecting trouble, but all you see is Joel coming down the stairs.

"About time," he gruffs, but he looks pleased. "Thank you, Tess."

"Sure. I'll be next door. See you tomorrow."

With that, Tess gives you a pat on the back, and leaves. You look at the door that she closed behind her, then at Joel.

"What the hell is going on?" you finally snap. "Joel, why am I here?"

"Come with me." He extends his hand to you, but you don't move. You are tired of this.

"I just walked three hours in the middle of the night through infected areas without any idea of where I was going, where you were, and if you were okay," you remind him, crossing your arms over your chest. "I think you owe me a very good explanation!"

He leans his weight onto one leg and tilts his head slightly. "I'll show you. Just please come with me, baby."

You stand your ground, staring him down - which is no easy thing to do, because nobody can look at menacing as Joel Miller. You have a feeling that you mostly resemble a puppy mad about not being allowed treats at the table, and that he's just humoring you.

"It's a surprise," he now adds to placate you, and you release your arms.

"What kind of a surprise?" you demand to know, but you're beginning to crack. Joel smiles a little, his dark countenance lightening a smidge.

"A good one."

You finally climb the stairs with him to the second floor, where he guides you through the hallway to a closed door.

"Close your eyes," he asks you, but you shake your head.

"Absolutely not."

He chuckles low at that, opens the door, and your jaw drops.

It's a bathroom, and it's clean. You can tell, because it's lit up by dozens of candles and their flames are reflected on the tile walls. Some of the candles are clearly of the cheap, scented kind, but it's been a very long time since you last smelled anything but dirt, death, and unwashed clothes.

At the opposite wall is a tub, and it's filled with water, and it's steaming.

"Joel," you breathe, point at the tub, "is that..."

"A hot bath, yes," he acknowledges in a husky whisper. His hand comes to a rest on your lower back and you hope that he's ready to catch you in case you faint because it is now a very real fear. You blink, trying to wrap your head around what it is you see. What it means. What Joel feels.

"You with me?" he asks, forefinger landing under your chin to lift your face up to his. You want to avert your eyes so that he won't see that there are tears in them, but you can't. You meet his dark brown eyes where you find the comfort and strength to press a smile.

"Is this for me?" you murmur thickly, blinking away a tear that runs down your cheek. Joel quickly catches it on his fingertip before cupping your cheek, and nodding.

"How did you know?" you ask, your voice trembling. He frowns, like he doesn't understand the question.

"You told me once."

Now it's your turn to look confused, and Joel smiles gently.

"You remember the first night we slept together?"

You nod, yes, of course you do.

"You said you could've used a shower after but didn't want to leave the warm bed for a cold shower. And you said... that you would do anything for a hot, scented bath."

He takes a step back and gestures towards the tub. "And here it is. Took me a while to put it all together, and the whole day to heat the water over fire."

"But... why?"

"Because you deserve it."

You swallow hard and throw yourself into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"Thank you, Joel. This is... thank you."

"You're welcome," he murmurs against your hair, big, strong hand caressing your back before running up your side to your neck, warm big palm against the sensitive skin. You tip your head back a little, and he lowers his so that your lips can meet. The kiss is slow and sweet, but as he starts to undress you, it grows deeper. You seek out the buttons of his flannel, undoing them one by one, but he takes a tender hold of your wrists.

"No, sweet girl," he breathes into your ear, "this is just for you."

"I want you with me."

"I'll be right here, but the hot water is for you."

He helps you out of your clothes. The air is warm from all the candles, but your nipples knot as Joel rakes his eyes over your body in appreciation. He leads you to the tub and helps you into it. You hiss as you sink down into its hot wet embrace, but once you are seated and reclined, you quickly relax, your eyes falling shut. The scent of lavender rises along with the warmth, unwinding you even more.

"God, Joel," you sigh, unable to say anything else.

"You like it?"

"Mmhmm..."

You enjoy the silence, Joel's breathing next to the tub, the peace, the warmth not only from the water but also from his gesture; this beautiful, kind expression of his feelings for you. The world, with all its toil and struggles, is far away, and you don't want to go back to it. But time is mercilessly moving forward, and for every minute the water cools down. You sigh heavily, and blink your eyes open. The first thing you see is Joel, but it isn't Joel: he looks so different from what you are used to. The candlelight casts deep shadows on his face, the lines etched into it are prominent, but there is something serene over his features.

It is the face of a man who has lost everything, including a part of his own soul, but found redemption.

You smile and lift your hand out of the water. Joel takes it immediately and brings it to his lips.

"You fell asleep." He kisses your palm, inhales the smell of lavender.

"I had forgotten how sleepy warm water makes me."

"If you're done, the bed is waiting," he tells you, fingers running up your arm to your shoulder, then dipping into the water to curve down your breast. "And I've set up the water boiler. You can have a hot shower tomorrow. A very quick one, but it'll be hot."

"Are we safe here?" you ask, knowing that Joel would never risk it if he wasn't sure.

"We are safe here," he nods. Slowly, you get up from the water, and he stands up as well, reaching for a towel. Wrapping it around you, he lifts you out of the tub, and carries you to bed. You have no idea where he got fresh, clean linen from, but you don't care as his lips slowly worship your wet skin, all the way down between your legs.

#joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #the last of us fanfic #the last of us #my fic

[dj-of-the-coven]

Hit me with your favorite defunct website

You will regret this.

Have you ever felt isolated by the modern internet, or nostalgic for the way that you can vaguely--but not entirely--remember experiencing as a child? Well I can't speak for everyone, but the past few years certainly have left me feeling that way. Certain nostalgia posts made circa 2021 got my brain churning in that direction, dredging up ancient memories of reading personal blogs and spending hours on flash game websites that were more or less entirely nuked from the internet by my adulthood. The more I remembered, the more distressed I felt by their absence, even though it'd been years since I even remembered most of that stuff existed...

Aside from Animal Jam, I wasn't sure if anything I knew from my mid 2000s-early 2010s childhood experience was out there on the web somewhere--so, I did as any normal teenager would and I started doing copious amounts of research into a subject that basically didn't exist. I discovered the internet archive entirely on accident; spent days examining the layout of early youtube and any other sites I could remember, navigating by year and trying to figure out when everything took a turn for the worst. I started browsing through webcore tags on tumblr just to get close to what I wanted, because "old internet" yielded few results at the time, and google's input was less than useless. Only a few blogs on tumblr had the kind of content I was looking for, but eventually I struck gold when one of them pointed me in a brand new direction of hope.

This is when I discovered neocities.

Of course, I was already familiar with the webhosting platform of geocities from the old days. Geocities was one of the primary hosting platforms that I remembered without the help of research, but you may already have guessed by the lack of a link that it's dead--and you'd be right. It actually shut down back in 2009, which I learned through the same post that advertised its independent successor. For some reason, I'd always associated the memory with the time I was in kindergarten, but the date of shutdown actually confirmed that I must've known about it earlier, making the platform one of my first memories! It's been gone for a while, but not the impression of it that I had as a core pillar in my early web experience. And then there was neocities. What was that? I immediately went to investigate.

Of course, I was mostly doing this in between two late-night bussing jobs to afford my shitty apartment, aside from being in my final year of high school, so progress was slow. At the starbucks next to my school, I was always holed up in the corner during my short window of off-time with a coffee and my computer setup. It took some time, but I began browsing through the top pages one-by-one, following links and cataloguing where they led to. I took stock of which sites linked to one another. Eventually, I noticed a pattern: a lot of them linked back to a website called sadgrl.online, a purple and black neon haven of internet culture run by a webmaster known as Sadness. Everyone say hello to our defunct website of the hour!

At the time, the thing was absolutely bustling. Almost all of the most popular sites on neocities were linked to Sadness' site somehow, usually through her button collection. My own personal site, which I started building around that time, also contained one of her web buttons. She has several, but her most popular one looks like this. (I apologize if you're on mobile. It will NOT look good.)

I was intrigued! In a community so removed from the usual mainstays of the internet, there existed a blog that hundreds of neocities users were visiting every day, and I very quickly became one of them once I finished looking through her thought-provoking essays on programming and web culture. Her site went through a number of layout changes while I was a regular visitor--the vast majority of them are catalogued on the site itself if not also on the internet archive. It was a blog dedicated to the exact thing that I was interested in; what I had been searching for since the modern web started rubbing me the wrong way in my burgeoning adulthood. Her page prominently featured an essay on the faults of centralized internet and her journey to foster a space more accepting of individuality, information, and creativity without thought of profit. I was totally enamored, especially with the appealing gothic graphics that surrounded the lengthy text!

(here's a capture from August 2022)

Aside from Sadness, several other active community members had formed an alliance of websites dedicated to the preservation of old internet culture and the cultivation of unique online spaces. These people called themselves the Yesterweb. The yesterweb was run mainly by webmasters known as Auzzie Jay, Madness, Tsvety, Grafo, Cinni, Vincent, Iris, and Sadness herself, but webmaster Melon (of MelonLand fame) also ran a forum that was parallel to the movement. The yesterweb was a massive project that included an online newspaper, a web radio station, several introductory programming manuals, a forum, web-themed essays from neocities users, button makers, layout creators, and terms and definitions for people new to the decentralized experience. It was easy to get lost in it all... for a time, the rabbit hole felt endless and exciting.

Every day, I returned to check updates on Sadness' various projects while I began work on my own website. She had totally convinced me of my own convictions--I bought the dream hook, line, and sinker. My only goal for a while was for my site to eventually be included in the yesterweb webring alongside all these amazing programmers. I wanted to contribute to the world of creativity that I could only dream of when HTML was still just meaningless jargon to me! But I was too slow learning the languages necessary, and the yesterweb was just growing too fast to be contained. I dipped for a few months to focus on my move to a new city, and by the time I returned, the whole yesterweb had disappeared scorched-earth style.

Okay, so what the fuck happened?

Currently, on the front page of what used to be a hopeful and inspiring collection of internet resources, there's a long essay made by the webmasters who founded the project, detailing burnout and massive stress due to the community growing faster than they could moderate it. It is certainly not poorly-intentioned. However, the discovery was absolutely devastating to me. My dream had gone up in smoke before I could even try to reach it, and I was apparently a part of the problem by caring so much about it. The radio station is gone. The webring was deleted. The forums shut down. My favorite webmasters' sites were no longer being updated. I felt awful for the people who had been affected by all this stress and pressure, but after so long of working to join the movement, I felt betrayed by their abandonment. The yesterweb disappeared in almost exactly the same way the old web did the first time--ripped from my fingers before I was able and ready to participate. And I can only wonder... what happened to the goal of turning the internet back into a place for us? How did it get to the point of ruining these people's lives within the span of maybe two years? I'm really not sure. There's a lot about this story I still don't know, and there's not really a way to access the drama that happened in a discord server that I never joined. The information published on the yesterweb's page is the only reliable source I'm currently aware of.

Still, in spite of it all, Sadness' website has remained one of my major inspirations in programming and web philosophy. I may be in mourning about a dream that died before it could truly live, but whenever I think about the months that I spent eagerly browsing her site for updates, I remember that spark that initially inspired me to begin researching the net in the first place. She was a major player in the game--not the only one. The website that she created was my favorite while it was active, and now it is my favorite website that is currently defunct.

Thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

#web revival #neocities #programming #personal websites

[yaqamole]

What are some of the roles for the other nations in your au?

OH BOY!

So (some of these characters come from things my friends came up with) here are some of the other characters. If you want to hear about other characters in the AU, just send an ask

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo - Middle School Science Teacher

100% dabbles with the Devil's Lettuce

Chemistry is his forte

Shares a classroom with the AP Latin teacher, Cristiano D'Angelo (Naples)

Has pissed off the principal, Romulus Mancini, a lot

Nobody is sure why he hasn't been fired yet

Lorenzo Di Salvo - AP European History Teacher

Has little pride pins on his jacket

Is the cool, young, and sarcastic teacher that the teens love

Comforts a lot of kids during his free periods or after school

Unfazed by the crazy things kids do

Looks a little too much like Principal Mancini but with melanin

Kinda has a thing going on with Mr. Fernandez

Shares a classroom with French teacher, Francois Bonnefoy

Feliciano Bernardi - Latin I Teacher

Not a single person thinks he is straight

Very dramatic

Shares a classroom with German teacher, Gilbert Beilschmidt

Has a picture of himself from when he was a teenager on his desk with some blond man he refuses to talk about

Best friends with elementary/middle school counselor, Ludwig Beilschmidt

Rumor that he is related to Mr. Di Salvo and Mr D'Angelo

Cristiano D'Angelo - AP Latin Teacher

Very bubbly and sweet

One kid made him cry once and everyone ended up bullying the fuck out of the kid that made him cry until he apologized

Does NOT get along with Mr. Bernardi

Listens to goth music which surprised everyone given he dresses in pastels and flowy clothes

In charge of Latin Club

His hair is so big and it's full of secrets

Romulus Mancini - Principal (Highschool)

Literally doesn't run this school properly

100% is embezzling money from school fundraisers

Has a "concerns" box but doesn't check that out

Everyone thinks the Italians are his kids

There's a rumor that he's got a thing going on with the admin of the schools and that's why he gets away with so much

His office feels like it belongs in a horror movie

Loves wolves more than air

Matthew Williams - High School Art Teacher

Always has paint in his beard

Very chaotic and charismatic

The teacher everyone thinks is super funny

Great listeneer

The art teacher that loves to see the kids' growth and gives them the best advice to yield the best possible results

Does not get jack shit from the school

Shares classroom with Tolys

Tolys Laurinaitis - History Teacher and Basketball coach

Does not get paid enough for this shit

He humor can be very blunt and unexpected

Cooks for the classes as an incentive

Is mad that they are supposed to have practice as a team with no proper gym yet

Surviving on all the coffee he can get from the teacher's lounge

Rocks the Man-Bun

Arthur Kirkland - AP English Teacher

Has a LOT of beef with Mr. Mikhailov (Ivan)

Big horror movie fan, too

Has a bi flag and nb flag in his pencil cup

Too many mugs

Will throw Shakespearian insults at the other teachers

"Actually, that is incorrect"

Has an "independent" classroom in the gym

Honda Kiku - Vice Principal (Lower Grades)

He’s currently trying to work his way up to principal

He's lowkey kinda awkward but he's hella good at his job, besides, you know- getting children to like him.

He forgets children are part of the job description half the time

Children go to him when bad. This is a threat

Ludwig Beilschmidt - Guidance Counselor (Lower Grades)

Scarier than he looks

Has pictures of his dogs in his wallet

Everyone is very confused as to why he and Mr. Bernardi are so close

Very chill to talk to

Everyone plays a guessing game on his sexuality

Very young for his position

Arlovskaya Nataliia - Gymnastics Coach/Dance Team

Resting bitch face

Short but full of fire

Fairly fluent in English but stumbles from time to time

Cousin to Ivan

Loves what she does and she does it well

Students fear and love her

Franocis Bonnefoy - French Teacher

Flirts with like every teacher

For some reason is best friends with Mr. Fernandez and Mr. Beilschmidt #1

Tries to be cool and fails miserably

The students photoshop him onto a lot of French memes though

#1 Way to piss him off is making Italian jokes at him

#hws spain #hws germany #hws belarus #hws lithuania #hws italy #hws #2p romano #hws naples #hetalia world stars #yaqas aus #yaqas teacher au #hws prussia #hws japan #hws rome #hws canada #hws romano #hws france

[diagonal-queen]

(I’m always so scared to send in requests but I have so many ideas😭) but how about sigma x (insecure/or not) chubbyish reader?

Please don't be scared love!! I promise I'm friendly and I accept all kinds of ideas :) I was so glad to see this one as a chubby person myself! Plus Sigma is always a winner hehe

The Other Perspective

♡ pairing: Sigma x chubby!fem!Reader

♡ synopsis: You're insecure about your weight as you try on a new dress, but Sigma is having none of it.

♡ wc: 1.3k

♡ cw: Reader is chubby and they are insecure about this, and have negative thoughts about their weight. Reader has feminine titles like 'girlfriend' and 'woman' (also anon I'm so so sorry if you're not afab/female/use she/her pronouns; that is absolutely my bad. I just wrote it that way based on my own experience I'm sorry I love you sm T-T I can write something else for you if you want me to lovely <3)

note: With the parts where reader criticises her weight; I don't think that weight makes someone ugly or unworthy of respect at all! I just personally have self-esteem issues to do with my own body (got bullied for it a lot), as well as a ton of other problems with self-loathing. I do not condone unhealthy activities related to weight loss nor do I condone bullying someone (including yourself!!) because of their weight. I understand that this message might seem insincere because it's so common, but I truly mean it. I love you all, big and small and everywhere in between. Apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy. (sorry this was long lol i'm PASSIONATE)

"Ah..." you sighed, turning to your left and scrutinising your side profile. Your hands wandered down to your stomach, where you instinctively sucked in. You didn't know why you still did so after all these years; it always, always yielded the same result. You couldn't wear this- you would look ridiculous, especially next to Sigma.

That was a shame, especially since Sigma had bought it just for you. You presumed that he would be able to find a more suitable dress with ease, but you still felt bad. With the dress being nice, and the buyer of said dress being Sigma, it had to have been pricey. He always seemed to splurge just a tad when it came to you. You took a seat at your vanity, burying your face in your hands as you let out a hopeless sigh.

You liked visiting the casino area of the Sky Casino acting as a guest- or a VIP, technically- and gambling every once in a while. It was especially fun to do with your partner, partially due to the fact that he was the casino manager. You always wanted to look the part, as the Sky Casino was a rather luxurious establishment, and most of the time that was achieved courtesy of Sigma himself. He ran the place- he could get you anything you dreamed of if you just asked. Most of the time you didn't have to.

He had bought you yet another article of clothing- a wine red fitted gown that trailed behind you. You felt that if anyone else wore it they would have looked fantastic. Not you, though. You thought you looked hideous. You also wondered what went through Sigma's head when he chose this. Did he think it would look good?

You were riding this train of thought when you heard a knock on your room's door. You turned to it, in surprise, before calling out to whoever it was to come inside. The door creaked open and around the corner popped a head of white and lilac hair. Sigma stepped into the room as you stood up, and he quickly paused to stare at you in your dress. You felt a little embarrassed all of a sudden.

"Y/N...!" Sigma spread his arms as he approached you and didn't hesitate to immediately wrap them around your waist. "You look just gorgeous." 

"Sigma..." You began, trying to hide the very obvious redness that had appeared on your cheeks. "This is lovely, and I appreciate it, but I can't wear it." 

"Why not?" His face contorted into one of concern, brushing a stray lock of hair from your face. "Do you not like it?" 

"No, it's not that..." You glanced towards the mirror once more, solemnly eyeing your reflection. "It's just- it doesn't look good on me specifically." Sigma's eyebrows furrowed and he directed his gaze to the mirror also, surveying you in your new red dress still with the tag hanging out the back of it. 

"What do you mean? You look lovely." 

"I..." You never knew what to say in times like these, since Sigma would never want to hear you self-deprecate. But you couldn't deny the way you felt, both in the dress and your shame. "...I feel insecure in this dress." 

"Why?" 

"Because it makes my stomach and thighs look massive?" You turned back to Sigma and placed your hands on his cheeks, pressing a peck to your partner's lips. "I love it, and I'm very grateful for it, but I don't feel comfortable in it. It's too tight, I think." 

Sigma let out a sigh, placing his hands over yours. This wasn't actually the first time you two had shared such a conversation. One of the first things you told Sigma around the time you began dating was that you didn't like your weight, and every so often it came up on days that you were feeling down.

Sigma really couldn't care any less about your size, your stretch marks or anything of the sort. On the contrary, he thought it was all rather attractive, and he secretly enjoyed showing you off in the casino. He often berated himself for not being able to get that message across in a way that would make you truly believe him, but he always continued to try. He wished that you could see yourself the way that he did; like a source of comfort, a home. And a stunning one at that.

"Y/N...hey. You always listen to my thoughts and opinions, don't you? You're very thoughtful and considerate."

"...I guess so, yeah," you nodded, still dejected.

"Then you need to listen to my opinion right now, which is that you're beautiful regardless of your weight." Sigma put his hands on your shoulders. "It doesn't matter how much you weigh to me. I know I don't care, but you do, and I respect that. I get having self-esteem issues- I have them too, but you've always been there to help me with mine. I wanna be able to do the same for you, too."

"Sigma..."

"Personally? I think you're adorable just the way you are now. I want you to know that no matter how you look, I'll always love you. Alright?"

"...alright," you nodded slowly, your face breaking out into a smile when Sigma pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead.

"That being said, you do look very beautiful, but if you want another dress I can get one for you." As if he knew that you were about to protest, he held up a finger and pressed it against your lips. "It's fine, honey. It's no issue for me."

"You do too much for me, Sigma," you told him with a small blush spread across your face.

"You're my girlfriend. What kind of partner would I be if I didn't?" He replied, sincerely.

"...do you think maybe we could choose one together, then?" You slowly asked, wrapping your arms around his neck. Sigma grinned, before pulling you in for another kiss.

"That's a good idea, my love. All I want is for you to be comfortable, and to feel as beautiful as you look."

"Pfft, alright," you scoffed, meekly. "How corny of you." Sigma just continued smiling.

"I mean it, you know. You're always turning heads in the casino."

"That can't be true..."

"It is, honestly. I see jealous guests looking at me all the time, and it makes me feel even luckier than I think I am already." Sigma's palms pressed into the sides of your waist. He knew you were a bit of a sucker for praise and was trying to use it to make you feel better. And, of course, it was working like a charm. You pressed against him, leaning your head on his shoulder.

"That's so cute of you, Sigma. I wouldn't want you getting into any trouble for my sake, though."

"I'm willing to risk it," he chuckled, before taking a breath. "...I really do think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met- not that that's the only reason I love you...! Just that it's kind of a bonus on top of everything else I love about you."

"Yeah, I know. I appreciate it, sweetheart," you replied, peacefully.

Sigma wondered if you actually got it that time, or if you were just telling a white lie to humour him. He did hope so, but if not he'd just have to keep trying. He was more than happy to. For you.

sugar daddy sigma. sugar daddy sigma. sugar daddy sigma. also fun fact! i refer to myself as a 'human pillow' because of my weight actually! it began when i was hugging some kids i'd worked on a school play with and they told me i felt like a pillow. it made me feel better about my size so i stuck with it. i also love giving people hugs ^-^ and pillows are just the best. so :)

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #sigma #bsd sigma #sigma x reader #x reader #sigma fluff #fanfic #fanfiction #bsd fanfic #bungo stray dogs fanfiction #i'm not actually sure what tws to put here #suggestions would be great and i'll add them :)

[lemonhemlock]

Thoughts on otto?

i really enjoy komsomolka's take that otto is a failed girldad

i think both otto and tywin are deconstructions of machiavelli's prince. but otto is very much tywin-lite. he is not as ruthless as tywin, not as cold, not as sly. his schemes are childlike compared to tywin's. never in a million years would have tywin suffered such a fool like daemon for so long. otto is a conniver himself, but he does genuinely care for his duty to the realm on a conceptual level as well and he does care for viserys, both as his friend and both as an embodiment of the crown. that doesn't preclude him from doing all he can to advance himself and his own - he is a noble lord, after all.

otto gets a lot of flack in the fandom & we should totally acknowledge the imprint traditional masculinity has on the less-privileged around him. but i have this pervasive, terrifying feeling that otto is actually... he is our father!! you take any reasonably-gentle, reasonably-decent man, who loves his daughter, and put him into the shoes of the second son of a noble lord, in a fantasy middle-ages setting, and he becomes otto. and that's what i find so bloody tragic about otto - this is the story of a man who is separated by societal mores and structures from the one person he loves the most in this entire world - the apple of his eye!! his bbygurl! nobody wins under feudalism! nobody wins under patriarchy! not alicent, but not even otto either! would mine own father do that to me were he in otto's place? would yours? what a completely alarming idea!

otto doesn't completely understand alicent because he doesn't understand women, not fully, not ever & he never will because he lacks the psychoanalysis tools & the critical paradigm through which to objectively assess society & re-arrange his world view. every character in the show has this problem and faces this wall eventually. this is not otto-apologia or trying to find excuses for him, but, equally, not accounting for this in our commentaries does a disservice to all of us, because it utterly fails to account for how our behaviours and beliefs are constitutionally conditioned by socio-economical structures. a person living under patriarchal feudalism, where war is a common occurrence, medical science is rudimentary and mental health non-existent, making life itself a very perilous affair, is conspicuously NOT going to have the same beliefs as a person who has (hopefully) gained critical-thinking skills as a result of their university education in modern-day capitalism. no matter how kindhearted or empathetic they might be.

that is to say that otto genuinely believes he is doing the very best for alicent and for his house and for the realm. he is providing the realm with an exemplary queen, he is connecting the hightowers to the crown via blood and he is giving alicent away to (in his eyes) a kind, good, gentle husband. he is making her the most important woman in westeros with the most amount of power, should she learn how to yield it. he doesn't understand alicent's terror because he doesn't understand abuse the same way she does - viserys never yells at her, is never violent to her, always treats her politely, is a jolly enough man and seems like he'd be fun to drink a beer with. alicent now has all the wealth, all the jewels, the finery, the security and the obeisance of those around her. that's how otto conceptualises happiness and he is giving exactly that to his daughter. would otto agree that it would have been ideal for alicent to be a few years older before getting married? probably, yeah. but an opportunity like this comes only once in a lifetime and, as fucked up as this may seem, this is an act of love in his eyes.

alicent knows her father doesn't truly understand her, doesn't speak "the language of girls", but goes along with it because she is in an uneven power dynamic with him, she is young & inexperienced and is primed to trust that her father's decisions are for her own benefit. there is anxiety-inducing conflict here bc the reality doesn't live up to otto's idealized and superficial understanding of what marriage to viserys entails. what this means for her relationship with rhaenyra, her soul mate. but, even so, alicent knows that her father is the only person in the whole wide world who will love her no matter what & never abandon her, no matter their disagreements. people don't understand why alicent loses her shit when she loses otto. this is why! he is not viserys, he is not rhaenyra. the only reason he leaves is because he is banished. and she (unknowingly & without her sanction) pays a terrible price to get him back

alicent is otto's pawn but she is not just a broodmare to him. he wants to actively work with her. he includes her in his schemes. he allows her on the small council. they have their own power struggles & disagreements, but he mostly rules with her. he wants her on his team so bad. together, you and i will prevail. whatever our differences, our hearts remain as one. he honours their stupid bet and delivers alicent's v generous peace terms to rhaenyra himself. he has been bested by his daughter, he respects that & doesn't undermine her. she really is his queen!!

just bc daemon & rhaenyra oppose otto doesn't mean he is a "snake". daemon is a true nepo baby & incompetent in every job he gets handed. rhaenyra is pissed otto "spied" on her, but that's literally his job as Hand, to be on top on things, act like the CIA and inform the King of any potential trouble. he has his own faults, but i wouldn't call him the evil mastermind the fandom has decided he is

#ask #anon #otto hightower #alicent hightower #alicent & otto #also rhys ifans eats every scene he is what an outstanding performance

[thecharleston]

[After sleeping for a solid 17 hours a couple of weeks ago, Charlie bounced back, more focused than ever before. She'd forgotten just how much more effective sleep was at energizing her than Pixi Stix. And so, ever since, she'd been working diligently on her telescope-- with a healthy amount of breaks this time. She'd basically been living in this little quiet room of the library. Hey, it's cozy, warm, and a good work environment. And nobody's kicked her out yet, so she's really made this space her own-- pasting huge diagrams and such on the wall for easy reference, finding spots to stash her more sensitive notes... things like that.]

[And today? Her work might finally yield results. Her telescope didn't need much-- it didn't need to rise above the Earth's atmosphere to get a full view of things, for instance. All it needed to work was to scan something made of biological matter. Normally, Charlie would have a potato ready. After all, she used it as a sort of "anchor" on her adventures. Any universe that has a plant with the exact genetic code as her potato wouldn't be a universe she would immediately die in by way of the environment. It would always be at least a little familiar. Unfortunately, her potato had long since decayed and been lost. She needed something else. Some bit of genetic material that would tie the telescope to her universe and her universe alone, something from hole that remained untainted by her travels.]

[She thought about it, then realized her hair hadn't changed one bit-- that might sound obvious, but most of her physical features shift and morph to match the universe she's in-- and that includes making her colors a little less cartoonishly vibrant in many universes. Except, her hair never seemed to change, at least not in color. One could mistake her for having dyed hair with how bright it is. ...It'll have to do. Of course, it's easier to extract DNA from the follicles of her hair than the hair itself, so... one by one, she carefully tugs 5 strands out, then gently places them into the scanning chamber of her machine. She shuts the chamber's door, making sure it's sealed.]

[Now all that is left to be done is to test the darn thing. Charlie glances at the comically large and somewhat evil-looking lever she built as an on-switch (old habits die hard, okay?! Risky science deserves a little theatrics, as far as Charlie is concerned). She takes a deep breath and walks over to it. Then, grunting with effort, she yanks the lever until it's switched. The telescope bursts to mechanical life; even a few stray bolts of electricity rapidly coiling their way up the wire from the lever to the machine. Don't worry, that's usually a good sign where she's from. She anxiously watches the telescope orient itself, listening to its whirring. Then... it dings. It's located her home universe, and thus, she can use the image of it to calculate its size. Charlie gasps, then cackles, punching the air triumphantly. She can't help it this time.]

GYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! EUREKA!

[...Silence. Charlie's smile fades as she realizes just how homesick she is: if this were home, the Narrator would have congratulated her, or at least said something witty, depending on his mood. And with a maniacal laugh THAT passionate? Lightning would be cracking outside in time with her. But she's learned that most universes don't have nigh-omniscient narrators that talk to you, nor will lightning inexplicably strike when your evil laughter escapes you. And speaking of... she's also really learning just how tame her world's definition of evil is. She misses it when things were fun and light.]

[Charlie looks toward telescope again, its screen modeling her universe in full. Even if she goes back, she'll never be able to live there with the same naivety as she used to. ...But at least, she can try to protect the others from having to learn what true evil looks like the hard way.]

#charlie's machinations #hatchetblr #hatchetfield rp #npmd rp #unreality

[msfbgraves]

Thrifting: a way to help yourself and others when disabled

My mother grew up in a family that was constantly penny pinching and she hated it. My father was so cheap other people made fun of him or complained bitterly (my parents made an interesting couple). My ass is disabled so "just getting a job" was never on the table. Employment has always been an unreliable option - not impossible, but tumultuous. So saving money has always been a keen interest. But doing it right, like. I feel that people use it as an option to shaft someone, even themselves, and I do not hold to that. Also, you cannot thrift yourself out of insufficient funds. You need mo money, you need mo money. But we also know that society loves an excuse to underpay people, deny promotions and fuck you over in a million different ways no matter how hard you work.

Thrifting is work that will always yield results, no matter who you are, and a good skill to have when mf's keep finding excuses to not pay you, or even employ you. It's even better when you're in a position to say, hm, more would be nice, but I'm staying afloat. Again, this is no feckin bootstrap talk. This is getting more bang for your buck.

And especially during Disability Pride this actually makes me proud to be able to do. Without hurting anyone, for one, and actually helping those without the time for it. I can find The Thing for less for them very often.

OK, first things first.

This is not self-denial 101. Fuck off with that. We want more joy maximisers, not fewer.

The Vimes boots theory is 100% correct. But there are plenty of places where $50 boots are sold for $25 or even $20. Yes, in Ankh Mopork too.

Skills are cash money. I should know, I barely have any.

Many people think that thrifty means "cheap" and "no fun". And that's what people do. "Whelp, I have to economise, so I can't have any treats and can only shop at Primark. Bummer! I hate life."

No, you're going to have to put some more time in preparation, and you need to figure out where to look.

It's an activity.

The first thing I would advise people to do is clean their stuff up. Told you this was work. And that may feel terrifying but if you know what you have you find things you thought you needed to buy. That's an immediate savings without pain. C'mon, do you really think you'd get a high from buying oregano? Of course not, and now you don't have to. You've probably slashed off 25% off your grocery bill for the week without going without anything you look forward to buying. King shit.

You probably have a keen sense of what you need to replace and since you're already going to Goodwill, look there. A lot of second hand is higher quality, and even if it's not, it can still be 25 to 80% below dollar store.

All that extra space will come in handy for buying things and storing them until gift giving season arrives, or birthdays and the like.

Gifts are insanely important. Don't skimp on the quality of something you buy for others. Find the place that stunts with that item. Here, time is your friend, too. If you can wait three weeks for it to ship, you can take advantage of a lower price nearly always.

Ask people what you're looking for and spruce the thing up when they offer it to you. Again, here the skills are a lifesaver.

Personalise. Any small thing that actually fits a recipient will be much appreciated. Gift wrap with care, write a kind message. But only do this when you can't find a "normal" gift for a better price. If you can find a steal, still gift wrap with care.

Do treat yourself! But treat it as anything else you want: best quality for the best price. This can also mean adding a top up. For instance: I generally know what the best bang for your buck is when it comes to theatrical shows: the last preview. Saw a show during the last try out, but spent $30 extra on seats. More expensive than just regular seats, vastly better experience. I did find a discount on parking too - who tf likes to pay for parking anyway?

Buy clothing that fits your body shape. That's what makes you look good. Vintage is fine, who cares if you wear something high quality that looks gorgeous?

Learn what stuff is made of. I bought a stick of foot balm that is supposed to prevent blisters. Felt suspiciously like vaseline. Next time I succesfully used vaseline.

Something I never hear but I find very useful: go on and try the hideously expensive option if possible. See what the fuss is about. Incorporate the thing you like most about it in your routine, don't bother with the rest. Other end of the spectrum: do a taste test with store brand. If it's bad, now you know. If it's good, no one will notice.

Loyalty programmes can be your friend, if you don't look at them as the default option. Do sign up, don't get mad if they keep taking away your credit. Every time they give you something for what you would have done anyway is a win.

Shop around for better banking fees. Who the hell wants to pay those anyway.

Try to pay for what you want and only what you want. Review any package deal; they're rarely worth it.

Try something a little bit different, if you have the skill to back it up. Go do things "people like you don't do". Slovenian wine, people.

Be consistently nice, and people will gladly help you with things. Can be a huge savings. Give where and what you can.

Take the bus, geezus. All that nonsense about it being a poor people thing or dangerous when travelling. How do you think locals get home?

Again I am aware this is work and of course, nobody can do all of it all the time. But I know a lot of people who start by slashing the joy, but why would you? Have your latte! Take your trip! Have your avocado and triple organic eggs. Think about where and when you buy things instead, and be a little adventurous.

If you're disabled with limited energy, this is a way you can help out those around you. Maybe you can do it for them. I am proud of all the ways I have saved my friends and family money without compromising on quality at all. I promise you: loyalty discounted organic chicken thighs with store brand cream cheese blanched in leftover white wine sauce with $0.40 worth of pasta are really damn yummy. And those $40 dollars saved on a taxi because I found the right bus on a trip are welcome too.

People mostly don't want to do this work. But if you can, and know how, you can be a great help to those you love.

#thrifting #disability

[jeskoholic]

A Little Piece of You Chapter 12: X & Y

This is a chapter from an ongoing series. If you missed out on the previous entries, you can check my masterlist.

Previous chapter: Truth Among Lies

Word count: 8,850 Tags: Male OC x Girlfriend Wonyoung, Fluff, High School Romance, Angst Enjoy!

---

Jang Wonyoung…

Shinwon has a good point about everything he said hours back. It just never occurred to me how this all tied up almost in the same way it did before. Had I been ever-so careless with this, things might happen again; history might repeat itself and this time it might bring worse effects. He also had a good point that maybe this whole trauma thing was anchored way back in high school. After all, the reason why I was so hesitant on making a move was because I’m still fighting the shadow of the past.

Even after my friend and I split paths and I finally managed to reach home, the thoughts of a once-forgotten Wonyoung came onto my head once more. Surprisingly, even the thought of having significantly less sleep was behind me now; that library excursion definitely did its wonders and set me back on track. Well, if one problem was already out of the way, it seemed to have been replaced with another.

No matter how much I try to dissuade myself from it, it would appear that it always brought me back to that pivotal moment in high school. I was so much occupied with that thought that lingering in the background that I didn’t realize how quick I ate dinner with noona. She might have noticed something was off with me already, too. I attempted to wash it off by doing some works due on the following week, but even that yielded no results. Those thoughts plagued me again just like it did before. Wonyoung was once again in my head; something that I never viewed to be possible even until I finish University. I’m pretty sure I have forgotten about her already.

This won’t do. Distracting myself would do nothing for me.

With that, I decided to ditch the stack of papers on my desk and moved to fish something out of my drawer. This time, stacks and thick piles of papers, folders and certificates greeted me as I dearly rummaged onto something I knew I left at the lower-most part of the drawer. I was sure that I placed it in here; thrown into the very bottom as soon as noona and I moved to this apartment. There was no way that I would carelessly throw that around…

And there it was: a red folded piece of cardboard staying behind an ornate front cover. In front it bore the words:

From Jang Wonyoung to my Yoon Jae-in~

With love~

And included the date for our anniversary as well as the picture of her…

For its age, this thing was still as preserved as it could ever been. I thought that with time, it would naturally degrade in the bottom of my drawer and disappearing without even me giving a care for it anymore but surprisingly it kept up. I can’t seem to find the reason to throw it away and so I merely ended up keeping it and hoping that it would vanish into memory at some point.

Clearly, that was not the case. Reading it again at this time was never even in the slightest of my imaginations.

“Hey, Jae-in-ssi, can I come in?”

 I heard the voice of Joohyun-noona come from the door, effectively startling me and as a result, Wonyoung’s letter fell out of my grasp and headed towards my desk. I turned my attention towards the door and she stood there with her head poking in further inside the room, dressed with pajama shorts that disappeared on the loose, oversized white shirt she had.

 “N-noona…! I-I didn’t see you there! I didn’t hear you knock!”

“I assumed it was fine because you left it open, you little bean,” she said, nonchalant and only now did I realize that she actually holding a plate as she finally moved to walk inside my room. That shirt really looked familiar. I had a feeling that it was mine at some point. “You were so spaced out during dinner that I forgot to offer these to you. I thought we’d just share this here. Were you busy?”

“Oh no, actually I… I’m not. I’m just working on a couple of things and got distracted.”

“Oh my… is that… is that a love letter?” she said with a tone mixing curiosity and teasing. “Did someone give you that?”

My heart immediately skipped a beat as I attempted to hide it from her. However, as Joohyun-noona felt like an eagle swooping on me, she quickly swiped it up and brought it closer to her face. I didn’t even realize how she was suddenly beside me as if she just teleported.

“Omo, Jae-in, this looked like it came from a long time ago! Wait… it says here that it’s from… Wonyoung…? Is this ‘Wonyoung’ as in Jang Wonyoung, your ex-girlfriend from high school? Oh wait; it does say ‘Jang Wonyoung’…”

“I-It is, noona… please, I just stumbled upon it. That’s all there is to it. Please give it back,” I told her as I completely felt my cheeks flush red. This is so embarrassing.

“Why are you looking at this now? Do you miss her?”

I blushed red and my ears went hot.

“No, I don’t! It’s now what you think, noona. It’s nothing!”

“Ooohhhh… so you do miss her hmm? I’m envious. She must have been on your mind all these time. Here I am thinking that your noona is the only woman in your mind~”

“Noona, what are you talking about? Please, I need it back.”

Oh my god, what is going on?

I attempted to reach it out of her grasp, but then she was quick to swat my hand out of my reach.

I then heard Joohyun-noona giggle.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll give this back to you under one condition.”

“Which is?”

Joohyun noona pulled the extra-chair I kept behind the ladder and proceeded to sit on it. She then placed the plate of tarts on the table and proceeded to fetch a piece with the fork.

“You never told me anything about this Wonyoung girl aside from the fact that she’s your ex-girlfriend. I figured maybe, with all the spacing out you’ve been doing during dinner, that she’s a factor for that. Something must have happened recently that you’ve thought of bringing this out again. Go on. Start from the beginning. Unfortunately for you, little bean, I have a free sched tonight so I can listen to you all night long.”

“Yah, noona, I can’t just do that! It’s too awkward to even talk about her!”

“Why? You two weren’t doing anything inappropriate before, were you? Well, it’s up to you Jae-in… I could easily just read this and see what’s inside~”

Oh my god there’s not getting out of this now.

“Yah, that’s unfair! Okay fine, I’ll tell it to you, just please give the letter back. I’ll tell you everything from the start.”

I saw Joohyun smirk as she finally handed out the letter back to me. She immediately crossed her legs and went on off on a comfortable position, all while I sighed at the defeat of my sister’s hands once again.

Well, we might as well begin this…

How do I even start this?

It was so damn long ago…

“So… umm… Jang Wonyoung and I were school mates back in high school...I- I may have mentioned that before, but the thing is, we were never really classmates. We never ended up as such. It was a miracle that we even met the way that we did…”

“How did you two meet then?”

“It started when she found my number on a workstation computer, on a brochure I made for one of our technology subjects. We were just freshmen by then when she…”

---START OF FLASHBACK, APPROXIMATELY FOUR YEARS AGO---

The thrill of the approaching graduation day was already in the air as two young couple were busy eating their dinner in the midst of the incoming evening. Twilight sky had started to cover the skies, turning the red-orange hue of the heavens to its impending dark indigo. Like usual, the first batches of starts started to like the gazing horizon, but even then Yoon Jae-in seemed to be unfazed as he merely enjoyed the company of his girlfriend, Jang Wonyoung, on a small fast-food chain in Metro Station Mall. ENOZI Restaurant has always been her favourite ones, and it would only stand to reason for Jae-in to invite her there on their final dinner as high school sweet hearts.

Wonyoung had just finished her platter and was occupied on staring at her boyfriend of two years, appreciating the subtle details of his face that she always knew and loved.

“Time flies so fast, you know,” Jae-in said as he wiped his mouth with the provided napkin. “In just a couple of days we’re saying good-bye to our high school life. It was amazing, especially because I know I’m leaving with a special treasure in tow.”

“It’s not only you who’s graduating with a special remembrance, keep that in mind. If it was not for the high school, I never would have met you, my Jae-in~” the young lady Wonyoung said with a smile, stretching her arms to hold Jae-in’s hand from the other side of the table.

“I was actually talking about Kino and the others, you know. No one can compete against the treasure of friends.”

Wonyoung pouted.

“I’m just kidding; of course, the greatest treasure would always be you, my Wony~”

“Aish… you always know how to tick me off. How could you be a guy and be so damn cute? Your existence I in this very world seemed to be very illegal. I sure am going to miss seeing you every single day once we go to college… it kind of makes me wish that I chose Engineering as well instead of heading to nursing school. At least if it turned out like that, then I could be by your side every time that we’re at Univ. If I had it my way, I would not let you off of my eyes; not when there are a lot of girls in college who would attempt to take you away from me.”

“Hey, hey,” Jae-in replied, and this time he was the one who held Wonyoung’s hand tighter than she did to him previously. “Nursing school is not that far from Engineering. We’re merely separated by buildings, my love. Even if our schedule’s not in sync, I’m sure we can work things out in the long run. We always did, right? We graduated still being together, Wony. Our entire batch is literally looking up at us as the ideal couple of the sections, not that it matters to me, but it’s still something worth noting. We won’t be reaching that had we not have an already good impression with it.”

Wonyoung sighed.

“I get it, my love~ I do appreciate that everyone admires us for being the last standing couple of our year, but still… at least you have Kino, Shinwon, and Kyungsoo to be coming with you when you go to college; at least you won’t be alone on your stay there especially on the first few days, of which I think is the most crucial. I feel so alone already just thinking about it, maybe even envious going in there without you.”

“Come on now, my love~”

“Even your dreaded ‘girl best friend’ is there with you on that department. That thought alone makes me want to shift courses and stay in Engineering just so I could keep you out of that witch.”

“Hye, I know that you’re not in good terms with Y—“

The mention of the first syllable immediately earned Jae-in a glare from Wonyoung. She didn’t even hear the entire name and yet she was sure to react to it already. After all, there was one girl that she thinks has the greatest possibility of stealing Jae-in from her.

“Excuse me, with my best friend, but she’s not really that into me. I kept on reminding you of that. Come on, we’re just friends. We go way back and I trust her. I repeatedly suggest that you do too. She’s a nice person, really.”

“I know that you’re friends and all that… but the fact that the two of you are very close friends and she seemed to always end up wherever you go… it’s hard to not even get jealous of her, my love. I hope you understand what I’m feeling.  I mean, she hates me and I know that. We don’t need to be friends just because you’re her ‘bestfriend’, that is if she views you on the same way you’re insisting as. I know for a fact that she really does not approve of you dating me, right? What could possibly be the reason for that? It honestly won’t come as a surprise to me in case it would turn out that she secretly likes you. The thought of it alone is already making my blood boil.

“She’s the last person I would like to see you end up with,” she concluded with a bitter tone, bringing her gaze down back towards their intertwined hands.

“Shh, come on now… it is not going to happen. My heart is yours and yours only my love. She will always be my best friend no matter what happens, and you will always be my jagiya.”

“It’s just… don’t you get why I’m so scared of that happening, Jae-in?”

The smile from Jae-in’s face faded in utmost subtlety while he recomposed himself for a reply.

“I… I know. That’s the reason why I was trying to distance myself from her. I’m not even talking to her these days…”

“Exactly… we started on the same way years ago. You and I were the best of friends before we decided to date each other after a year into our friendship. What makes it different that you and your… bestfriend would not end up on the same road?”

“Wonyoung-ah, please calm down. I love you, okay? Don’t forget about that. No matter how close Y—we are, we’re never getting close to how we ended up, right? Are you afraid because it was you who made the first move for me?”

Wonyoung visibly pouted and averted her gaze somewhere inside the room.

“Yah… I saw your fictional brochure for our technology subject. I just so happened to end up on the same PC work station as you were, oppa, and I just saw how beautifully designed yours was. I would even go out there and say that it was better than what I did, perhaps better than anything else I saw from my section. It even came as such a huge surprise that you included your real phone number. At least because of that, I found a way to talk to you. I pulled my luck and here we are…”

Jae-in smiled.

“It always felt like it was fated, you know. Maybe we’re really destined to meet each other from the very beginning.”

“Yeah sure, we really were destined,” Wonyoung said as she withdrew her hand and rolled her eyes away from Jae-in. “Until maybe this so-called ‘girl best friend’ of yours steals you from me, maybe.”

“Hey, hey, I won’t trade you for anything in this world. You’re my girlfriend, Jang Wonyoung, and always will be. We already did everything together, and I’m more than happy to choose you over and over again. I mean, come on now; you and I are each other’s’ firsts in literally everything. My high school life was fun because I had everything with you.”

Wonyoung planted her searing gaze back at Jae-in and proceeded to redirect it once again.

“Do you remember that I was the one who asked you for this dinner?”

“Mhhhmmm…”

“Well, as much as it feels weird to bring this out of nowhere, I actually have a surprise for you. This is not something that I’m bringing up just because you’re being jealous towards my best friend, but it is actually something that I always meant to give to you on this very evening.”

Wonyoung rolled her eyes and teased Jae-in, earning a chuckle from her boyfriend.

“Well, what if it is actually that case… show it to me, my love~”

“I don’t think I can come up with this on the spot. I promise you that you’ll love this. Wony~ someone actually called me earlier today, right before we wrapped up for the final grad practice and…”

“And…?”

“The scholarship that I found for you… they finally responded and… you’re in! You’ve passed the assessment exams and you’re a scholar on their program!”

At that instant, Wonyoung immediately dropped her act and wide-eyed Jae-in from the other side of the table. She didn’t even notice her mouth hang open at her surprise with the news. Somehow, with everything that happened in-between and during practices, the news of the pending scholarship response was quite unexpected. Jae-in knew that she would make it, and the release of the results could never have been a more perfect graduation gift for her.

“Oh my; that’s good news! Oh my god Jae-in… I’m officially a scholar? Oh my…!”

“See, I told you that it’s difficult to even make-up on the spot. I just received the call hours ago, like I said. I’ve been holding back the whole day and it was hilarious to have to tell it here in this circumstance.”

“Yah, I’m really happy… I genuinely am, but don’t think immediately that you’re forgiven just because of that. I’m still upset because of your best friend,” she then pouted. However, to Jae-in, it felt forced as Wonyoung was clearly happy with the news. He knew that she was putting on the act once again.

“Okay, you know what, how about we get out of Metro Station and go for a walk home?” Jae-in said, in attempt to change the subject into something else while giving his girlfriend a wide, toothy grin. “I’ll treat you with ice cream on the way home. After all, we need to celebrate! We’re graduating tomorrow, and together like we always would be. What do you think about that?”

The young woman’s pout eventually turned into a wide smile as she stood up. Wonyoung then brushed the long layer of dress she wore off of any crumbs that could have caught during the dinner, all before fishing her bright purse.  Jae-in joined her and stood up as well, and as he turned his attention to his girlfriend, Wonyoung already had her hands outstretched towards his direction with her pink-painted nails in perfect display for him.

“I take that as a ‘yes’, I guess?” Jae-in asked.

“I would not have taken it if you weren’t so cute, you know. You can’t keep on doing this to me, because you know that I’ll always fall for it.”

“It’s your kryptonite; therefore it is my secret weapon. Shall we go?”

The young man then graciously offered his arm of which Wonyoung more than gladly wrapped her arm around on. Then, with a curt smile to the waiters and waitresses that served them, Jang Wonyoung and Yoon Jae-in left the restaurant heading to the ice cream store that he previously mentioned; the rest of the older patrons of the eatery admired the cute couple as they went on ahead.

---MOMENTS LATER---

It did not take that long for the ice cream session to push through as it was merely just a simple stop-by at Wonyoung’s favourite store. The night was fast approaching, and it was already close to eight in the evening when Jae-in and Wonyoung were walking down towards the road that lead to the latter’s house. Her hands wrapped on her boyfriend’s arm as well as having her fingers intertwined with his. Because of the chilly weather, coupled with the dress that Wonyoung wore that exposed the majority of her lengthy legs, Jae-in had to compensate for her by lending her his jacket so as to counter the cold weather. It was the sort of gesture that Jae-in always wanted to do, especially for his girlfriend because there was that feeling of assurance coming from his side.

In his head, they looked really cute together. He and Wonyoung were perhaps the perfect couple.

It was weird, however, that he even thought of offering Wonyoung her favourite Mint Chocolate in this time. It was even weirder that she didn’t even hesitate on grabbing it.

 Regardless, the conclusion to their night date was about to come. That perhaps explains why Wonyoung was taking her utmost time walking with Jae-in; surely, even if she decided to walk on her normal pace, she would have gone home easily. Jae-in, on the other hand, didn’t really mind the development. After all, it felt like the last time as high schoolers after being in a relationship in high school for so long.

“Jae-in~” Wonyoung’s soft voice shot through the silence as they both approached the final corner to her home. “Can you promise me something? I will only ask this of you just once… and I hope you give me the answer that I want to hear…”

“What is it, my love?”

“Can you promise me that we’re still going to get through college like how we did in high school? Can you promise me that we would make this relationship work out in North Line… please?”

“Why does this sound like a wedding vow?”

The young girl curved her thin lips and stifled a soft giggle.

“Maybe it is… please, promise me, Jae-in. Promise me.”

“Okay, okay… I promise you, Wonyoung. I promise you that we would make this work no matter what.”

“Yay~ Thank you so much! I love you, my Jae-in~”

“I love you too, Wony~”

And so, every written rule of not showing affections in public was broken as Jae-in and Wonyoung hugged in the middle of the quiet street. It was fortunate that the evening was ripe, and no one else was there but the two of them. The hug was tight, sincere and very emotional, and what followed was the immediate soft peck of Jae-in’s lips courtesy of Wonyoung’s own.

The promise was given on that evening and it was all that Jae-in needed to survive his incoming college life, quite positive that whatever life could throw him post-graduation, he was happy because he had Wonyoung beside him. With that, Jae-in finally walked his girlfriend to her home and concluded the evening with a smile on his face, looking forward for what the next level of their relationship has in store for both of them.

---SOME TIME AFTER THE GRADUATION CEREMONY---

As expected, the graduation ceremony commenced as it normally would have and it was inevitable for the class to shed some tears on the incoming farewell. After all, they were saying ‘good-bye’ to the people that made the best years of their life truly enjoyable, and that included Jae-in with a couple of friends he met along the way. Lucky for him, he was one of the fortunate members of that batch who would end up going to North Line as opposed to other batch mates who would have to either head overseas or go to a new city. At least the separation anxiety from him was not that great compared to the others with him.

Lucky for him, and perhaps for Wonyoung, the ‘nation’s power couple’ of batch 20XX would head to the same school to celebrate their relationship ahead. It would not even come as a surprise to the rest of the class if Yoon Jae-in and Jang Wonyoung wound up marrying each other, because that was how strong they viewed their relationship. A lot of people would agree that they were perfectly made for each other; the couple that no one else could split.

The timeline amidst varying academic levels was uneven, and to compensate for the new school opening of North Line University, Jae-in, Wonyoung, and their other batch mates had to endure a good four-month long vacation to prepare for the adjustment. To him, it was a much needed break for all the years of studying he did during high school, and eventually promised himself to do all sorts of memorable antics within those four months to prepare him for the terror that is college. Apparently one of those memorable antics was dating Wonyoung as much as he could, and the other was perhaps joining Kino and Kyungsoo in playing their favourite online arena game while he was at it.

A month has passed and Jae-in was able to keep his promise to his girlfriend; perfectly juggling his schedule between his friends and soon-to-be college classmates as well as his relationship with Jang Wonyoung. It would be convenient as well, as Wonyoung had discovered quite a bit of a hobby for herself which was attending music class to be a cellist. One day, a date was schedule by Wonyoung herself, inviting Jae-in to a café that she always wanted to go to; a small and glass-filled bakery-café placed at the corner of one block.

Jang Wonyoung showed up that day looking as gorgeous as she could ever have been. Without the restrictions of high school uniform, she was able to showcase the beauty of her fashion sense wearing a floral blue dress and soft highlights in her hair, clearly fresh from her morning session at the music school.  The huge cello was lodged in a case and plopped carefully next to the wall as she sat opposite Jae-in, who managed to somehow try to level with her clothing with a neat, mint sleeved shirt as well as white slacks.

“Of all the dates I’ve had with you, this honestly felt like the most ‘formal’,” he commented after swallowing a piece of pasta. “I kind of like it that it’s like this. Do you think we should do this more often, my love?”

Wonyoung nodded enthusiastically.

“Now that I’m able to wear whatever I want, I really am looking forward to showcasing you what’s on my wardrobe. I honestly have a lot of outfits that were shadowed by the uniform. I can even bet that you’ve never even seen most of them, my Jae-in.”

“Oh…? With the entire try out photos that you’ve been sending me through message, you still haven’t shown me most of your closet?”

“Honestly, it baffles me too that I have too much to wear. At least I could wear a lot of things and outfits before I get caught on with the mandatory nursing uniform again.”

“Well, you always suit whatever you wear, my Wony. You were always the fashionista and I love that about you.”

“Aww… but I’m pretty sure that you love everything about me as well.”

“Oh, and did I mention that you have a thing for words too?”

Wonyoung smirked and her red lips only ignited more of Jae-in’s interests towards her. Had she not been his girlfriend all these time, it would easily to mistake him as an assistant with how significantly underdressed he is.

“So… we’ve been here for a while now,” relayed Jae-in; as he continued the conversation after that short pause. “I’m still curious as to why you asked me out on this odd time. Normally you’d go for dates when it’s close to evening, so I would assume that there’s something going on. Does it have something to do with music class?”

“Oh, I’m glad that you introduced that before I could. It makes things a lot easier… and… yeah; it has something to do with music class. I really admire how smart you are, my Jae-in~ you seemed to have easily pieced things out even before I could tell it to you myself.”

He smiled in return before moving to hold her hand from across the table.

“I would not be your boyfriend for years if I didn’t have a hint the moment I saw those look on your eyes. Go on now, I’ll be listening. What is it about?”

“Well, I’ve been in music school since we started this four-month vacation and things have been going well for me. Of course, I owe it all to you who pushed me beyond my own beliefs and my own capabilities that I managed to get to this stage of this hobby… so I think it was just fitting for you to be the first to know that I got accepted at a recital.”

“Wait, are you serious? You’ve been in school for two months and yet you’re already invited to that? You must be really talented on that, my Wony~ Congratulations! When is this happening?”

That was when Wonyoung pursed her lips, hesitating before even moving to speak up once again.

“That… that is the catch… the thing is, the school had apparently started to expand their services on not just beyond Seoul itself but also on further districts and cities, so for this recital they decided to use it as a promotional event... What I’m trying to say is that… I got accepted at their offer for a recital but it would happen far from here. I would have to be away for at least a two weeks or so while the recital is being prepared and all. That would include practices, formal rehearsals and all that, as all part of the training regimen for the school.”

Jae-in knit his eyebrows. He honestly could not think of a reason why Wonyoung would not be so enthusiastic about it.

“Hey, you’re not thinking of not going now, are you?”

“I’m honestly considering it. It’s really far from here and… and I don’t want to be away from you that long.”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about me. Come on now, this might be your huge break! The fact that you’re invited for a recital that fast must mean that they can see a huge potential on you, and I don’t want to be the person who would hold you back on that. I want the world to know of your talents Wony, because I know that you have a lot of them~ I want them to see how good you really are. Go. Don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked with her beady, puppy eyes.

“Of course… think about it, if you’re really missing me, I can go there. I can head there by foot, train or cab; whatever it takes I’ll be sure to be there when you need me. Plus, this is a huge adventure for us as a couple. We promised that we’d all go all-in before we head to college right, especially in terms of the things that would make both of us happy? At least by then, we won’t have any regrets. That would be the best thing that could ever happen for us in the long run. I trust that you already have friends there, so at least you won’t be too lonely without me.”

“I… I do have some friends there but… Promise me that you would call, okay?”

“I would, Wony. Of course I would…. I know you can’t stand being away from me for that long. Let’s make this work, okay?”

Wonyoung smiled.

“You never cease to amaze me, Yoon Jae-in. I’ll always be happy that you ended up as my boyfriend. I love you so much!”

“Oh you have no idea how lucky I am to have you, Jang Wonyoung. I love you so much.”

---TWO WEEKS LATER---

Jang Wonyoung relayed exactly how the following week would turn out and like she mentioned, there were limited amounts of time that she and Jae-in would actually even communicate. The first couple of days after setting Wonyoung off were perhaps the most interactive days ever. It was expected; as the entire music school was perhaps beginning to arrange their respective itineraries upon the new setting, the schedules and rehearsals weren’t that much prominent. This gave the young couple ample time to communicate together with phone and video calls that lasted for hours even beyond their own sleeping time, making sure to see each other on every minute they possibly could before things get really busy.

After a while, their vocal and visual communications were reduced to instant messaging as her rehearsals began to get frequent and eventually, hectic. Jae-in, on the other hand, occupied the huge amount of free time given to him by occasionally familiarising himself with the route to their new school, North Line International, while at the same time occupying himself with the presence of his friends. He always knew that Shinwon was a huge fan of co-op games and managed to find a newly-opened internet café not far from the university itself. It was a signal that drew in Jae-in, Shinwon, and Kino amongst other people they met in high school to test the new shop out. It was suffice to say that while Wonyoung was busy on her recital; Jae-in was also busying himself being connected by a lot of his friends before they eventually split for the university. Despite that, he still made sure that contacting Wonyoung would stay as an utmost priority, merely keeping the bond with his friends as something that would keep him occupied while he waited for her.

Soon enough, she would message him about the details. It would only be a matter of time before he would finally see his girlfriend perform with her talents. He knew that Wonyoung would amaze the world the first chance she gets, and he was the first person who never really ceased on believing on her.

However, despite developing a strong interest on a particular Multiplayer Online Battle-Arena game, Jae-in made sure to check on Wonyoung every day. He sent sweet, good night messages and morning wishes for her to be well; and all that despite her not really checking the chat out or even seeing it. Perhaps the practice was very tiring and he always accepted that as a good reason for her absence.

Two weeks passed. Jae-in and Wonyoung’s conversations were still as dry and minimal as ever but he still believed that she was busy and that things were being taken care of. The recital program must have extended, granted that she should be back at the city by then. Things might have adjusted considering she didn’t even mention when the performance day would actually be. Like usual, he spent the day on the internet café again being alone with just Kino as they both waited for the other members to come. The pair had just finished one game on a good note with Jae-in being overly happy with his performance in a support role.

“Damn, that was so refreshing. I wish all of our games could go that way,” he exhaled as he stretched his arms from the unit. “Did Shinwon and the other say about coming here? They’re supposed to be here now, right?”

“They are. Actually, I’m surprised that you’re the first one to even be here. You seem to have been going here a lot these days. Is everything alright?” asked Kino, returning to the matchmaking lobby but not placing them both on a queue just yet.

“What…? Of course everything is okay, man. It’s just… I guess you can say that my schedule became a lot more freed up. I’m going here earlier now because I want to be occupied as well.”

“I see… Jae-in, you know, you’re my friend and I… I usually don’t want to go asking these things because it’s weird but… are you and Wonyoung still dating?”

Jae-in immediately shifted his gaze from the monitor towards Kino, who sat beside him with a confused yet concerned expression.

“Of course we still are… she’s just busy nowadays, is all. I guess you noticed me going here a lot, that is because she’s busying herself so I figured I’d be busy here as well.”

“Were you two talking still even when she’s there for her practices?”

“Well… not that recently… she seemed to be really occupied. I feel like the schedule’s moved up as well because she never told me when the recital day would be on.”

Kino sighed and nodded silently. As much as Jae-in really was not a fan of how the conversation was developing, he chose to wait for the rest of Kino’s statement. It certainly appeared to be a huge introduction for something big about to come.

That small fraction of a minute filled with silence between them both was perhaps the most gut-wrenching he’s felt for a while.

“Yeah… about that… umm, you know that Wonyoung and I have the same general street heading home right? I… I actually saw her last night. I don’t know why you’re not aware, but she’s actually back here, man. I figured I’d ask because you didn’t seem to have an idea.”

“She’s here…?”

“Yeah, and that’s not all that. I saw her getting inside a car with a guy who’s about the same age as us. I don’t know man; it could be her cousin but… I can’t just keep myself from not telling you. I think it’s a personal responsibility as you friend.”

“Are you sure that it’s her that you saw? She would have told me already by now.”

“I’m positive that it’s her. I’ve been her classmate and I could not mistake her for another person. The guy, however, is someone I don’t even recognize.”

“That’s probably just her cousin, Kino. Also, I can’t see a reason why Wonyoung won’t tell me that she’s here already. If ever there was a reason for that, then maybe she’s planning to surprise me of something. I trust her, man. I’m sure she has her reasons. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, okay then. Don’t think about it too much. In case I’m the one who is wrong, I’d feel such an idiot for even forcing ideas onto you. I just had to get it off of my system. I’m wishing for the best. In the meantime, let’s just have another game, shall we?”

“That’s good to know. Thanks man. Let’s go.”

---

Kino’s information had planted itself deep onto Jae-in’s head for the succeeding days. As much as he did not want to over think, it was indeed weird that Wonyoung had not even bothered to tell him that she’s back from the recital. In fact, there was no even update what happened during her stay out of town. However, Jae-in’s love and trust for her still came on top, which is the reason why he elected to simply wait for her to update.

Finally, his waiting paid off and Wonyoung eventually contacted him.

Jang Wonyoung apologized for disappearing for so long and so asked to head to the ENOZI restaurant once again, which was now renovated and renamed as ‘LOVE DIVE café’. The atmosphere was weird on that day; the sun had disappeared and was covered under a huge blanket of grey clouds as if rain was about to come. If not, it certainly served as a deep warning that something bad was about to come. Yet, there was Jae-in still optimistic and hoping that it was not the case.

Jae-in came at the scene first, reserving a seat nearby the window just as Wonyoung always loved. He elected to order before she did, having a large serving of the meat mix she always bugged him about the moment she comes back from the recital trip. The only thing that was missing that day was the presence of Wonyoung herself, and fortunately right after their respective orders were served, she finally came. Wonyoung’s fit for that day was a huge stray away compared to her normal, fashionable looks; settling merely on simple tucked white shirt over her long, slender legs covered with a long, brown coat finished with a high ponytail. She gave Jae-in a shy smile, nodded, and awkwardly shuddered before proceeding to sit opposite him.

“Wonyoung-ah, hi…! It’s really good to see you. I have missed you so much! How have you been?”

The young girl gave another set of unenthusiastic smiles before falling to a frown.

“Jae-innah… I… I didn’t actually come here to eat… but as always, I really appreciate that you ordered ahead for me… that’s always something that made me appreciate you more…”

“You seem so sad; my love… did something bad happen when you were away? Are you okay?”

As much as there were a lot of questions that he wanted to ask her, he did not want to flood her right away. He took things slowly like he usually did, and hopefully it would pay-off for him in the end.

“I am… s-sorry, Jae-innah… I know I’m the one who invited you here so… not eating with you after asking you out is the least thing that I should be sorry for. I’m just… it was a crazy two weeks… a lot of things happened…”

Jae-in reached across the table and held Wonyoung’s slender hand with his own, caressing her long fingers that were now rid of any sort of manicure. The sensation of her cold skin against his already told him that something was dearly off.

“What happened? Did you not make it to the recital? Did something happen? You weren’t messaging me for days and I thought…. But I trust that you saw my messages, right?”

“Jae-in… please don’t make this harder for me… I did. I admit that I openly read your messages but I can’t seem to find the correct message to reply with you. B-because… while I was away for a couple of weeks, I was able to delve into some thoughts and… I realized a lot of stuff, not just within myself but to us as a couple as well.”

Initially, the moment that Jae-in felt his girlfriend’s rather downtrodden mood he elected to bring the atmosphere up by greeting her with enthusiasm. After all he did miss the love of Wonyoung that was absent for weeks. However, now that she already set the heavy mood for whatever she has to say, Jae-in could only do so much and match her pace finally. Somehow the mood that the sky already gave was correct ever since he left the front door; something was bothering Wonyoung and he was about to find out.

“May I ask what those things that you… realized were?”

Wonyoung gulped.

“I love you Jae-in, but I don’t think we can continue on with this relationship anymore.”

The world may have crumbled at that instant.

Did he just hear right?

“W-Wony… w-what are you…? W-What do you mean that…?”

Wonyoung pursed her lips before proceeding to speak again. Every syllable that escaped her small lips was filled with hesitation and perhaps even pity.

“I have to end it now… because once I get… once I get as busy as I did when I was away, I can’t bring myself to stay in peace knowing that there’s someone who’s waiting for me. We know that college would be really busy and—“

“But we promised that we’ll make it work out, right? We promised each other after graduation that we’d do anything to keep this relationship intact right? You were even the one that made me promise that, so what happened?”

Wonyoung bit her lip and retracted her hand from Jae-in and hid it under the table. She then anxiously gazed around the café and pouted to her boyfriend once more.

“I… I know that I made you promise and I already feel bad that I’m telling this to you… but… I got really good with the recital and all… the school asked me to be a temporary aide in the music school, and I would teach younger musicians how to play… I figured, I would be really busy and so I would have less time for you... how much more can we manage this when we’re already at university, right?”

“Wony… I don’t get it. All of these things that you were telling me is a problem would only hurt us for a couple of months, so why are you telling me to end whatever’s between us before we even head to college? Are you worried that I might grow tired of waiting for you, is that what you’re telling me?”

“N-no… I know that you’re willing and you can do those things for me… but as a person in good conscience, I cannot just… I cannot just live with the fact that you’re waiting for me when I can’t even hope to continue on what’s between us… that would be too unfair. I have no idea how I would juggle both studying and doing my future commitments with the music school knowing that I have you being left unchecked. I cannot bring myself to do that to you…I know that you deserve more, my love, which is why I’m deciding to let you go.”

Jae-in’s shoulders sank. His temples were starting to fill with cold sweats as his heart beat heavily against his chest.

“Isn’t this being unfair to me? You’re already telling what you think I would do even before it happens… I promised it to you, Wony… I promised that we would make this work out… why are you telling me that you need to let me go now? What happened?”

“Jae-in, please… don’t make this harder for me… It’s already breaking my heart to ask too much of you… please…”

Jae-in’s face flushed red as he tried to keep himself as calm as possible.

“Is this what you really want, Wonyoung?”

“Jae-in…”

“Wonyoung… I love you. You know that. If this is really what you want… if letting me go was your absolute solution for your future problems… then tell me. If you need a couple of days without me to think, I’ll gladly give it to you. Please… I don’t want you to be deciding so impulsively…”

There was another silence between then. Perhaps even the outside skies have begun to catch up on the impending grief between them both as soft drizzles showed upon the window.

“Wonyoung,” Jae-in said, softer this time while he clenched his fist in frustration. “But if this is really what you want; if trading our two years of love and relationship for the fear you think would come in the future, I ask you to not tell it straight to my face. If you’re decided, if you think that this is the decision that was best for us, then leave. I will respect whatever decision you do, but please think about it thoroughly. We haven’t gone this far just for us to end like this. We’ve been through worse, and this is just the beginning. Are you sure that you want to give up on us already now?”

Wonyoung looked at him in disbelief, only to be met by Jae-in’s own gaze of pure stone-cold silence. Unlike her who was already showing signs of tearing up, Jae-in strangely looked composed. He merely looked at Wonyoung straight with his sharp eyes waiting for a decision.

He wanted to ask her about Kino’s hint. Jae-in wanted to ask Wonyoung if she’s doing this because her heart finally wavered for another man, yet in the end he knew he could not bring himself to do that. He trusted Wonyoung with all of his heart, and even with a sliver of illusion he would never think that she would even do that to him.

Jae-in trusted her, so he never pushed himself to ask the question.

A couple of minutes later, a dreadful screech coming from a chair being dragged across the floor were heard. Jang Wonyoung stood in front of him, tears flooding her puppy eyes down towards her cheeks. The somewhat forceful manner of her dragging the chair as she stood earned a good look from the handful of people seated beside them both, clearly giving a soft and curious gaze to the young couple who’s table lay food that were not even touched.

“I hope that you find the girl for you, Yoon Jae-in. I’m so sorry. Good-bye.”

And with one swift turn she disappeared, leaving a trail of her coat as she walked out of the café. The once enthusiastic image of ENOZI café seemed to have died down the moment it changed, leaving Wonyoung’s love for him with it. Yoon Jae-in gave one last look on his girlfriend not knowing that it would be the last that he’d see of her for a long time, still quite shocked that she just broke up with him in one quick swing.

---END OF FLASHBACK, BACK ON JAE-IN’S ROOM WITH IRENE---

“Wonyoung unfriended and unfollowed me on all of our socials after we broke up, but she forgot to do the same with my friends. About three weeks after we have broken up, Kino showed me a picture of her with a guy who turned out to be her new boyfriend, posted in Instagram in celebration of their first month together. I would not have cared whether it was out of spite or out of sheer desire to move on, until Kino positively recognized the guy to be the same person he saw Wonyoung share a car with on that fated night. In the end, I was attacked by my very trust for her. I thought that she would not even do something like that to me, but I guess even that long of a relationship is still not enough for her to choose me.”

“Oh my god,” I heard Joohyun-noona as she brought her hand to cover her mouth. “Three weeks…? Does that mean…?”

I nodded shortly.

“If I’m going to do the math right, Wonyoung might have met the guy in preparation for her recital back then. She repeatedly insisted that that was not the case, but the math just made sense. The fact that they celebrated their first month together shortly after we broke up meant that at some point she agreed to date him while we were still officially together. I don’t know what happened during the time that she was there but… back then I was too hurt and bitter to even think about it. I just let it slide and focused my attention on moving on from her.”

“Wow… I never knew that you had such a tragic experience with her. To think that she was even your first love back in high school… the audacity…”

“The impact was terrible on me, noona. I would say that after that, I got a bit scared to commit again because I was traumatized with what she did. I was truly traumatized on trusting girls. I kept questioning whether I was worth it or not, or whether it was my fault that I lacked on something that caused Wonyoung to cheat on me with someone else. I would say that it took a good while before I got confident with myself again. There were a lot of self-doubts.”

“So what happened to her and the guy; are they still together?”

I nodded.

“Kino’s still seeing her on her feed. I guess they’ve been together longer than Wonyoung and I have ever been.”

I turned towards Joohyun noona who froze on the spot, still having her hand over her mouth.

“But are you okay now?”

“There’s certainly that little ghost there… same reason why I never had a girlfriend ever since Wonyoung. I wanted to be ready.”

“As you should… well, there’s still one thing bugging me though, Jae-in.”

“What is it, noona?”

She then pointed towards the letter.

“If you and Wonyoung did not really end up well, and she was the reason why you’re revelling in your own traumas… then why are you still keeping her letter with you? If I were you, I would have thrown it away ages ago. It would seem to be a better option.”

“I don’t know noona… I always told myself to keep it for something… something like a reminder especially when times that I need to recall the worst episodes of my life thus far.”

“A reminder for what, exactly…?”

“A reminder of the time that I should not take feelings too lightly… a reminder that I should never allow myself to fall into the same darkness that I did after Jang Wonyoung… that I did not went through all that sad crap after her just to fall into the same place once again…

“It would serve as a reminder to not repeat the same mistakes I did ever again, noona.”

The fact that this showed up this time is just a perfect timing….

I have a feeling that I’m going to need that reminder very soon.

#kpop fanfic #kpop story #jang wonyoung #ive wonyoung #a little piece of you #red velvet irene #bae joohyun

[raayllum]

Cube Hostage Exchange Theory :: End of Days

Because I like nothing more than to organize things accordingly and my brain needs something to focus on for the final few days before the season drops and we get answers to a lot of questions (or at least, a lot of the questions this theory has attempted to answer over the past two years) I thought, “Hey Dragons, why not do your best to compile and breakdown literally every single piece of evidence there is for Cube Hostage Exchange Theory, just in case you’re right and want something to fondly look back on?” 

(And also because I know I won’t have the same motivation to make this post if I’m wrong, but making this post sounds like fun for one last hurrah for myself and the little CHET posse this theory has, somehow, fondly amassed). 

So here it is. 

My end of days, final presentation of Cube Hostage Exchange Theory (otherwise nicknamed as CHET), all that it encompasses, and all that it could inspire, what’s been added to it over time, and why I think it has a decent shot at being what happens in the S4 finale. As well as a little indulgent walk down history / memory lane for me because I started posting about it two years ago, and I do what I want.

What is CHET?

A theory that proposes the S4 finale / current climax with Claudia, Aaravos and co. will threaten Rayla’s life in order for Callum to hand over the Key of Aaravos, thus allowing him to fully break free of his prison and putting the world at risk as a result, specifically in holding her hostage.

I first posted about it on September 21st, 2020 (a couple weeks after Through The Moon graphic novel got released) as just an idea and then made a proper theory post about a month later on October 26th, 2020. 

It is my little bonbon and I think it is very neat. As you can see, it was an exceeding simple plot structure modelled to be a finale or final 3 episode prediction (4x07-4x09) for the end of the season, with very little speculation of what would happen in the build up to it besides 1) Callum having to learn about Aaravos in order to know what he was risking and 2) Callum and Rayla getting a chance to hash out some of their emotional baggage even if they hadn’t wholly resolved it. 

The original theory post itself touched on some concepts that will be repeated down below, such as the idea that the hostage exchange would ideally 1) not be Rayla and Callum’s first reunion, 2) the series’ intrinsic concept of Exchange, 3) why failure is necessary for Rayla but not a punishment, 4) how her lack of self worth manifests, and perhaps most importantly, 5) how Callum is always instrumental in breaking her cycles.

The theory has since grown to encompass many others as well as a plethora of evidence I stumbled upon, first accidentally and then with a more purposefully keen eye, in terms of foreshadowing, set up, and parallel / cyclical episode structures that TDP loves to utilize and has utilized before. Again, more on that at the bottom.

What made me first think of it?

Simply put, it just seemed the most straight forward route that would also yield the biggest dramatic consequences for character and for story. Post-TTM Rayla was racing right towards Aaravos without even knowing, Callum has something called a Key, Aaravos wants to escape his prison. Thus, it would give Callum a clear hand in how the plot would move forward and fit with some of the more dubious choices he’d made before. I also liked the way it could conceivably offer up a pathway for Rayla and Callum’s emotional arcs; for Rayla, it’d be an unexpected hammer to her own perception of her self and her self worth, for Callum to throw it all on the line even after she’d hurt him so terribly much; for Callum, it would give him space to be angry with Rayla but also room for a good old “Fuck everything else, I just want you to be okay” when it comes to like, offering us a strong reconciliation within the limited emotional time frame of a TV show.

Why Should Rayla Get Saved?

Rayla left in TTM because she thought Callum could handle losing her in ways she couldn’t handle losing him. This fundamentally comes down to Rayla’s self sacrificial tendencies veering into self-destructive behaviour (leaving at all) and her justifications for it being that she isn’t “good enough” to be worth fighting for / loving the way she loves others, as well as deeper issues of survivor’s guilt and possibly not feeling like she quite deserves to live and be loved.

Although I don’t subscribe to the “Rayla left out of pride” lens at all, even under it, Rayla needing to be saved seems like the most logical conclusion, otherwise how is she supposed to learn that she can’t do everything herself? 

Rayla can’t succeed in her quest to stop Viren or to fully protect Callum, lest she think what she did in TTM is “ultimately fine” just because it worked in protecting him successfully. She also can’t single handedly stop the villains only halfway through the show. Therefore, Rayla has to fail, and likely has to fail at protecting Callum by the finale specifically, as that was her worst fear. Since she went to all this effort to protect him, the biggest form of failure would be if he ends up in danger at one point because of her. However, that’s precisely why it has to happen - and why it would also hammer that point in further if he’s also saving her while he does it.

Why Can’t Rayla Just Save Callum? 

More recently there’s been an upswing in theories regarding Rayla being Callum’s guiding light out of his “path of darkness” (Callum’s promo quote) given the way the moon halos her head upon entry, her name meaning, her associations with Truth and the Moon arcanum over Aaravos’ starry deception. It is also more in line with what I thought S4 might be like pre-TTM’s release, with Callum getting in way over his head with something magical and Rayla having to help (alongside Ezran possibly) pull him back from the brink.

The light and dark motif now running more prominently throughout both their arcs is also, funnily enough, something I noticed and wrote a meta about close to five months ago back in June, which you can read the full thing here. It was something I had always appreciated about Callum and Rayla’s framing with one another throughout S1 and particularly S2 with Rayla representing the light. It was something I only started to think more on when I began to compile parallels between Aaravos and Rayla, including their names (“between light and dark” and “ray of light” respectively). 

Thus, I do think Rayla will save Callum emotionally/mentally from Aaravos in some manner at some point in the season, as that’s in line with how she keeps Callum out of his head in S1-S3. However, the other half of that pattern is Callum saving her physically, and that’s why I think the light and darkness motif feeds nicely into what I’ve also penned as the Mutual Salvation Theory originally in August 7th, 2022, before we even knew Rayla would be returning at all.

The question then becomes: well, what is he going to save her from? To a certain degree it’s herself, as laid out in this interview with Devon Giehl (TDP’s head writer) and Michal Schick (a staff writer) regarding Rayla’s letter:

She wants to stay because she’s in love with Callum, she wants to leave because she’s in love with Callum. And I think that’s just kinda like - Rayla’s version of love is, at this point in her life, always gonna hurt someone, including herself. Badly. 

The clearest way for this to manifest is for each of them to get a chance to reaffirm their love for one another and choose each other. Due to the symbolism baked into the trailer and the season promo, it seems pretty clear that at the very least, Rayla will be guiding Callum away from darkness at one point in the season. Thus, what’s left is for him to save her in an equally thematically and plot-driven way - thus proving her previous beliefs wrong, reaffirming his love for her, and pushing the plot along. 

This dual “I save you, you save me” plot line is an add-on to broader CHET, as that would provide Callum’s turn of things. Additionally, I think Rayla saving Callum in “guiding light” way may happen before the finale, with the finale then focusing on him saving her, for one main reason:

The Moon Arcanum

Given that the season will inevitably talk about Callum reconnecting with Rayla and the foreshadowing in previous seasons that the Moon arcanum will be the next one he connects to, it seems like S4 is the most natural place for it. This is only reaffirmed by Callum likely being tempted by Aaravos, a great deceiver, as well as the way he’s obsessed with secrets and denying parts of himself / his feelings already in 4x01, and Rayla representing the Truth, the way she always has been.

If we go along that route, then there’s the question of what would compel Callum to connect to the Moon arcanum, especially if he’s off chasing dark magic somewhat this season. Again, given the thematic and symbolic set up already in store, it will likely be him admitting out loud to himself that he loves Rayla, and always will, thus allowing him to fully see past Aaravos’ deceptions (as far as temptation goes).

However, I do not think, though, that such a triumphant note can be where the season ends. After all, we know this era of the Dragon Prince’s world is known as the Return of Aaravos, and that the Startouch elf must be broken free of his prison by the end of the season. Thus, our heroes have to fail, and I think it needs to go one step further than just failing to stop Aaravos from getting out, but of actively helping him - even if it’s against their will. 

So what would that look like, and why do I think it has to be the transfer of the Cube for Rayla?

The Cube

Paraphrasing posts I’ve made before but:

1) Without the cube being called the Key of Aaravos, it being the key to Aaravos’ prison would feel like it came out of nowhere. However, because of such a specific name, it is many people’s default assumptions and that feels purposeful. After all, if they wanted one or the other kind of associations, they could have said Hand or Eye of Aaravos, or Key of mystical sounding name here, but they specifically chose to put those associations together. The show loves to be cryptic and straightforward all at once, with warnings like “Draw your last breath” (3x07) being instructions to literally draw a breathing rune

2) One of the reasons I think the cube is related to Aaravos’ prison is precisely because it was entrusted to Callum by Harrow, the two characters most concerned thematically with the theme of Freedom through both their speeches, actions (Callum shattering the primal stone to free Zym, Callum ending Rayla’s cycles) and most notably his arcanum of the Sky. So you have Callum, who is tethered to the theme of Freedom, with a Key in his possession, Aaravos having some idea of how to get himself out of his prison if his machinations / guidance of Claudia and Viren are any clue, and Aaravos, who wants to be free of his mirror prison more than anything. 

Larger meta post here as well as some very cool similarities the Key could have to the Egyptian myth of Thoth, god of knowledge, presenting a Key of Life to Osiris, god of the underworld. 

3) The Key has been associated specifically with Rayla and her relationship to Callum above anyone else since the beginning of the series. Their first real bonding moment is her agreeing to go get it from the Banther Lodge, she risks her life to do so, and is routinely the other character (sometimes swapped in or sharing that role with Bait) that Callum discusses the cube with. Then there’s also the fact that ties into one of Callum’s consistent aspects of seeing worth in things Rayla doesn’t: appreciating Xadia’s magical nature with fresh eyes (1x05), seeing worth in the Cube (1x04, 1x05), and indeed, Rayla herself (1x05, 3x04). Rayla’s language surrounding the key is also very interesting, but we’ll talk about more of that in the next point, which is:

4) Back in early December 2021, I made a post documenting what I’d noticed of the consistent way the Cube was referred to as a game piece or Aaravos playing a game. (Just for frame of reference, this was almost precisely 6-7 months prior to Aaravos holding Viren like a game piece in the SDCC intro trailer). 

Also keep in mind that Viren asks Aaravos once, and only once, if he’s playing a game. The rest of this coding is done through Rayla alone as a character: “It’s a toy. It’s piece from a children’s game,” “It’s a glow toy” and then “Are you practicing magic or are you losing a game?” which now seems like very overt S4 foreshadowing. 

This also played into what I had noticed in terms of the likelihood of games and tests being intertwined, as they often are in mythic stories or folktales, and this statement from Aaravos felt like something that had to come back in some way (and already has for Claudia as a character, circa end of 3x09). 

Playing a game (particularly chess) against Death or the devil for your soul is common and fit neatly together. The marketing for S4 has only reaffirmed this with lines like “They’re not games. They’re tests” from Soren’s short story. 

Aaravos has offered a test of love to one pawn, in Claudia, first tasking her with reviving her father, and now stretching it further to see what she’s willing to do to keep Viren alive. Viren, who was already dead, just as Rayla comes from a culture in which she is already dead and seen as a Ghost. It doesn’t feel like a stretch to presume Aaravos will give Callum his own Test of Love to either pass or fail, and given that Claudia’s have all related to Aaravos’ main priority of getting out of his mirror, Callum’s likely will too. Especially since it seems like Claudia’s motivations for helping Aaravos may change drastically in S4... but more on that later.

What Does CHET Provide Narratively?

Arc 1 of TDP was largely concerned with “How can we fix our parents’ mistakes?” However, as the world grows more complicated and characters more complex as a result, it is likely Arc 2 will ask, “How can we fix our own mistakes?” This requires mistakes to be made, of course: for Rayla, the continual fallout of her leaving, and for Callum, inadvertently helping Aaravos successfully escape his mirror - and then more so by choice (or under coercion, depending on definition). 

This ties into the way Callum often breaks Rayla’s cycles that she’s trapped in whether through her choices, circumstances, or both. By shattering the primal stone, he frees Rayla from her literal and metaphorical chain of her binding. He inspires Rayla to break the cycle in 2x07 and then does his one dark magic spell to break the chains that Rayla’s swords cannot. He breaks the literally circular pendant from Rayla (and Ethari), weighed now with grief and remembrance, in order to see her free to make her own choices.

Which is to say that Rayla is repeating all four of her parents’ most damaging behaviours and cycles, has likely come back with the intention of protecting Callum (with little to no regard to her own well being) and still believing in the idea that she has a price to pay in order to be happy, and all these damaging beliefs need to be broken. If Rayla is going to save Callum from making the full mistakes of his predecessor, in some ways, isn’t it only right that he saves her right back and does the same?

After all, let’s talk about

Paying the Price

This line from 4x01 immediately stood out to me in a major way for a few reasons: 1) this is the first time Callum has ever directly referenced paying the price in such a manner; Ezran (1 time), Rayla (multiple times), Viren (1 time), Harrow (multiple times), and Claudia (1 time) are previously the only characters to do so and Claudia’s is the one comedic exception to how the phrase is usually delivered. 2) It is also the phrase used in the season synopsis, directly asking the question of, “But where did this enigmatic Startouch elf come from? What does he want? And what price will our heroes have to pay to stop him?”

We know, of course, that they won’t stop him. We know then, that ultimately, there is a price they are not willing to pay to stop him. We know, thanks to the series extreme dedication to emphasizing agency, that they rarely let characters off the hook when it comes to making hard choices, for ex: it would’ve been so comparatively easy for Harrow to not know what Viren planned to do ahead of time to the egg and for him to find out after the fact, but instead we see that Harrow knew and approved of Viren ultimately murdering a child. 

If Callum has the cube (or whatever Aaravos needs from him) just tricked/ conned out of him, it removes what would ultimately be the hardest choice he’d have to make. If it’s taken from him forcefully, he’s failed yes and made a bad choice, but again, removes the actual hand over from the equation. When has TDP ever not forced a character to make a hard decision, after all? To choose the harder path and be aware of it, or to pick a different path and convince themselves it’s the right one? Why would Callum and everyone else suddenly be let off the hook now?

And while it’s supplementary material, so we can take it with a grain of salt, but this also ties into how Callum’s Devotional and Liberty (highest) attributes are described in his Tales of Xadia bio:

“I value those close to me more than anyone or anything” and “I’m beholden to my inner circle, not some silly kingdom” respectively

This also ties back to the perpetual trolley problem, if you will, that TDP returns to time and time again, with situations only getting worse and escalating when the dignity of an innocent or one life is disrespected and tossed over for “the greater good,” particularly without their consent. 

Even after her growing bonds with Ezran and 2.5 seasons of character development, we see Rayla consider her choice to spare Marcos to be a mistake (circa 3x03 with Ethari):

R: I failed them. It was my fault we were discovered.

This is particularly true given that Rayla’s original failure was when she was on a mission to a kill a prince and king of Katolis, and she takes on a similar literal and metaphorical mission in TTM as well: killing / leaving one prince of Katolis (symbolically) by taking a piece of his heart (“My heart for Xadia”) just like the Magma Titan while setting out to actually kill a king of Katolis (Viren) that we know she will ultimately fail in.

Which is to say that the “You saved her life and risked us all” is an interesting concept the series has returned to, most particularly in Callum’s foil relationship with Viren. Their primary difference is contrasted starkly back-to-back in 1x02, when Viren offers up guards’ lives in exchange for Harrow’s but hesitates to offer up his own, whereas Callum offers up his own for Ezran’s without hesitation. Ergo, Viren offering up other people’s lives is decidedly shadier because he takes time to come around to offering up his own. But we already know Callum would die and bend his morals for Rayla.

Could he really bring himself to go through with his plan? What if he didn’t succeed? What if he compromised his beliefs and it all ended up being for nothing? […] But her blade bounced off with a clang, sparks flying. She reeled back and tried again. Nothing happened. She was in trouble. He inched towards Claudia’s [spellbook]. (S2 novelization of 2x07)

So him exchanging the cube would not be risking anything of anyone he’s not prepared to risk of himself, creating a messy but understandable justification, and it’d validate the hell out of Rayla’s own ‘original sin’ in sparing Marcos. Life and living is about more than just numbers and survival - and saving her, weighing her life against the world’s and picking her anyway, is not only a classic hero dilemma, but something that would carry a particular amount of weight in the series as is. 

This also ties back into the series’ intrinsic concept of exchange, including but not limited to:

Killing Harrow and wanting to kill Ezran in exchange for Avizandum and Zym’s believed murders

Viren’s plan to exchange one soul for another’s with Harrow in 1x02 that was originally Claudia’s idea

Callum trying to take Ezran’s place to save his little brother in 1x02

Dark magic as an entire principle, exchanging the life of magical creatures for power or agency

Soren killing one king to protect another (3x09)

The entire goal of taking Zym back to his mother in the first place, in hopes that they can deliver a baby dragon in exchange for peace

So why not have that thematically continue through Rayla’s life being exchanged for the cube and exchanged for war?

But this is all more abstract narrative and thematic stuff with some cyclical analysis and nods towards characterization and arcs. Now it’s time to get to the real meat of the theory, which is:

Parallel Episode Structures 

So TDP likes to do this thing, with Callum and Rayla’s arcs in particular, but also with the show as a whole, where they will repeat episode / character conflicts while steadily changing the circumstances and raising the stakes in order to reveal character and spur character / plot development. And they do this especially with plot structure.

Examples of what I mean: In 1x03, Callum chooses staying with Ezran over saving his father, and Rayla chooses the egg and princes and fights Runaan as a result. Both of them, unknowingly at the time, lose their adoptive fathers that night. Then, 2x03 and 3x03 each deal with the fallout of those respective choices they made, processing grief and regret over their losses. 

Or, to get even more specific, I’ll offer up what I call the “Rayla saves a dragon quartet” in which Rayla wants to do something brave but dangerous / self-sacrificing in order to protect a dragon, Callum has reservations, and their dynamic steadily evolves to the point that he goes from worrying but not being able to do anything to jumping right after her. AKA 1x03 on the rooftops, 2x07 in the rain, 3x08 with the Dragon Queen, and 3x09 with Zym. 

Or to get even more specific, I’ll offer up the “Rayla is trying to hide her own pain, Callum tries to get her to open up three times with her nastily rebuffing him each time, then she has a breakdown in the face of his unconditional love, and something bad happens to Zym as a result of them being distracted.” Am I talking about 1x06, or 3x04?

Which is to say, if CHET goes along with the “Callum goes too far and does something reckless / dangerous in relation to Aaravos, Rayla pays the consequence and gets taken hostage, Callum / the boys come to save her, he gets her out in a way she has understandable issues with, and ends with a note of ‘I hope it was worth it to you, putting everyone’s lives in danger,’” it will be a perfect inverse of 1x04. And we know 1x04 was written with an endgame in mind, given the mention of the cube being in the game room, as well as Callum saying things like, “You wait here, one minute, two minutes - however long it takes, I’ll go find a key.” 

After all, much like they could have had Callum resolve to do dark magic in 2x07 without harkening back to his crush on Claudia to foreshadow his growing feelings for Rayla, there were infinite ways to write 1x04 that did not have Rayla being the one to find and risk her life for the cube. They could have easily had Callum or even Ezran stumble upon it, grab it, and have Rayla get caught looking for it or just not moving stealthily enough around the room when Amaya catches her. They could’ve had the boys go into the Lodge together with Rayla hanging back (as they’re human and wouldn’t have raised any eyebrows), but she can’t exactly leave without them, but no. The show chose this very specific plot structure, and we’ve yet to see it entirely repeat in full. And with 4x01 paralleling 1x01 very closely (Soren letting slip the king is in trouble, Callum wanting to help, king and high mage discussing Moonshadow assassins on balconies), and with 4x02 possibly paralleling Rayla’s return with callbacks to 1x02, I think this future repetition of 1x04 is only getting more and more likely.

Then you also have the ways that, if Callum transfers the cube - something magical and powerful, something he’s fixated on - and ‘sacrifices’ it for Rayla, it’s another perfect inversion to how he shattered the primal stone to save Zym in 1x09, thus unleashing a storm onto the world but for good reasons, and for a peaceful purpose. Again, if we look at Zym as one piece of the exchange for peace, then unleashing Aaravos in another terrible sort of metaphorical ‘storm’ is the perfect inversion that an even greater era of war and conflict is on the way. 

The show has had smaller 1x09 parallels - Callum trusting Ezran rather than doubting him (3x07); Rayla almost going off the cliff to save Zym before she actually does so in 3x09; and in terms of Callum sacrificing the primal stone is a good example of how he’s let go of some of his 1x04 fuelled fixation for the time being. But they’ve also shown Callum repeat his old mistakes when he goes out into the storm in 2x04, in which he says, “I put us both in danger. I could’ve gotten Zym killed” yet “Worst of all, when we were right there in the centre of the storm - I thought I wanted this badly enough but in the end, I didn’t have the guts.” He still considers the worst part of the experience to be his lack of a magical connection.

Then there’s the way that post-TTM has lined up well with 2x07, episode wise. Again from a structural standpoint: Rayla feels compelled to do something, Callum wants to help her, she goes off alone, he hangs back with Ezran feeling helpless and frustrated before he ultimately goes after her, bending/breaking his morals and engaging with Dark Magic to do so. The big differences is that Rayla has gone from saying it’s okay if he can’t come with her to telling him not to, and that rather than resolve to find her on his own, Rayla has returned to him first. But up until her return, the structure was intact, so I’ll be curious to see if the second part of the episode comes true too. Possibly - in an alternative way - with Callum doing dark magic in general, or with him specifically handing over the cube. 

If you are interested more in how TTM parallels 2x07 itself specifically, setting up a reconciliation plot structure for Rayllum in S4 reminiscent of 2x08-2x09, check out this larger meta here.

Orpheus and Eurydice Motif

So we know that Rayla and Callum are going to get separated thanks to this screencap from the trailer with two main options: 

1) it’s a fakeout and they’re reunited shortly afterwards, finally reconciling, or 2) it’s not a fakeout, and part of the finale, 4x09, “Escape from Umber Tor” following the fallout of 4x08 “Rex Igneous” is about getting her back. Given that Aaravos has been compared to Lucifer and that “Umber Tor” means Shadow Tower, if Rayla was taken to a shadowy place high on a mountain or deep below the ground... It’s a pretty good Underworld allegory, and the show has given this to Rayllum before in which Rayla travels to their version of the Underworld, her Orpheus - a magically inclined artist per the mythos - goes after her, and unlike in the myth, he manages to successfully save her. Sort of. Since, as we know, the end of TTM still results in a tragic separation for our two lovers. 

This is also similar structure wise to Rayla facing certain death in 3x09 by tackling Viren off the Pinnacle, Callum jumping after her, and his love for her unlocking new magical power so he can save her. Again, this meta of Callum and Rayla as Orpheus and Eurydice goes into greater detail, but I think it’s interesting it’s a pretty specific pattern we’ve seen happen two times, and now the question is if we’ll see it happen as a third. Especially since as the musical Hadestown paints it so eloquently 

TTM has just been the mythic structure fulfilled both happily and tragically, with Rayla choosing — in many ways — both metaphorically and literally, in risk taking to go back to the Underworld. Callum is then reaching a double crossroads. Does he follow her down into hell, again? And in other ways, this is arguably the first time he’s being tested. For so much of s1-s3, and even in TTM, saving Rayla was a no brainer. Whatever chance he had, Callum had zero hesitation, zero misgivings. In his heart and in his mind, he had no reason not to.

Now, thanks to TTM, there is a seed of doubt. And just like with Orpheus cutting a deal with Hades out of love to get his wife back, Aaravos may cut a similar deal with Callum as his own Test of Love.

[ORPHEUS, spoken] Mr. Hermes? [HERMES, spoken] Yes? [ORPHEUS] It's not a trick? [HERMES, spoken] No, it's a test

Speaking of which, let’s finally talk about Aaravos’ hand in all this - as well as foil relationships and contrasts with Viren and Claudia.

Pawns and Kings 

Once S3 wrapped up, I figured that Rayla and Claudia’s foil relationship would be amped up further, now that they had nearly matching white hair, and I always thought that Rayla’s paranoid and restless behaviour would return in a significant way prior to TTM. Now they’ve both destroyed their lives for Viren - Claudia to save him, Rayla to kill him - in the two year timeskip and are dealing with the fallout of those decisions. 

While the Viren-Callum parallels going into S4 are massive, and are undeniably the biggest foil relationship this season, I think ultimately the conclusions on their arcs will be regarding their differences, given lines that Viren has said of, “We must be ready to sacrifice, even the things we love,” while if Callum picks Rayla over the world, he will be steadfastly and repeatedly rejecting that in his arc, while Viren may catch up too late that he has unintentionally sacrificed Claudia for his goals. 

I went into more detail on it here a few weeks ago, but now that we have confirmation from a few reviews of the first four episodes of season four, it seems I was right to think that Viren is getting an atonement arc, regretting what he’s done and specifically what Claudia has done for him as a result of it. This would perfectly parallel the sort of Rayla arc also needs to have, of realizing the full weight and why of her previous mistakes and realizing she was wrong. After all, she and Viren are both “already dead” - metaphorically and literally, respectively. 

Meanwhile, Callum and Claudia have been set up to have mirrored arcs as well, as they get pulled deeper and deeper into Aaravos’ machinations as his two latest pawns. We will presumably see him manipulate both of them this season in order for them to help get the pieces in place to release him from his mirror. Claudia and Callum have, in their relationships with Viren and Rayla, already had parallel Tests of Love in 3x09 - saving their loved one from the brink of death in a powerful display of magic - and are set up to have parallel Tests of Love regarding lies and forgiveness in S4.

However, where I think this season will end up seeing Claudia and Viren split from one another - her angry that he “doesn’t understand or appreciate” all she’s done for him thanks to his re-evaluation that maybe he should stay dead, his life not worth the toll it’s taken on the world and her (and that he’s right this time) - that leads the way for the finale’s Test of Love to be Callum and Rayla in so many ways, as Callum saves Rayla from being “already dead” - and he’s right to do so, even if it’s still a hard choice. 

This would allow Viren and Rayla to be strangely ideologically aligned, Viren in a positive way for his arc, Rayla in a negative way in her arc, in believing that when Callum shows up that

More meta on Rayla and Viren’s parallels here, as well as Rayla as Aaravos’ inverse to Callum’s Viren. 

Furthermore, this scenario gives all the characters place to work from in future seasons: Claudia can fall deeper into villainy now truly unhinged thanks to being “abandoned” by her father and as Aaravos’ next future pawn to discard (almost a la Ozai and Azula in ATLA, as Claudia has been compared to Azula by co-creator Aaron Ehasz in the past), Viren must work with the heroes who have no reason to trust him but to who he can provide infinitely valuable information, Aaravos keeps him alive in a “reap what you sow” esque punishment, Rayla can possibly start looking for her parents properly and will have a new kind of self worth, and Callum has a goal to reclaim the cube, help Rayla, develop his Moon arcanum magic, and defeat Aaravos once and for all. 

Since, after all, Callum is the King that Aaravos needs to get out; the final pawn in this stage of manipulations. 

Checkmate

More than a game of strategy, Chess is a game of sacrifice. I’ve played for most of my life and typically, games come down to making sure you sacrifice the right pieces (pawns) in order to protect your more important pieces, particularly your Queen and of course, your King. Aaravos’ relations to chess have been repeated over and over again, as well as Checkmate referring to him winning the game and getting out of his mirror by the end of the season which again, we know is happening this season. 

If you are interested in reading more about TDP’s chess symbolism, check out this meta in which I break it down for the main cast of characters. Terry is not included as we didn’t know he’d be in the season before I wrote it, and as we still know very little about him, I’m not sure where I’d place him (although maybe as a Rook or Bishop or something). 

Moreover, one of the most important rules in a chess game is that if a pawn reaches the other end of the board, you can swap it in for one of your more important taken pieces (which will almost always be your Queen if you’ve lost her). 

And again, the chess metaphor works particularly well because in a game of strategy and sacrifice, Aaravos has to find the thing the heroes aren’t willing to sacrifice; the price they’re not willing to pay. Per the chess metaphor and characteristics of the pieces, although I considered other options as I went along, Rayla fits the characteristics / placement of the Queen piece the best and Callum as the King piece.

It is for all these narrative reasons and more that I think it is very likely that, if not taken hostage directly, Rayla will at the very least be what’s used to coerce Callum into having an almost equal hand in freeing Aaravos as Claudia (also giving her some wiggle room to potentially come back from, if she does it out of spite or if she thinks if she ignores Viren’s wishes and ‘fixes’ the problem he’ll change his mind, like she thought she could with Soren in 2x08/9 in some ways). 

After all, if the emotional payoff of TTM isn’t going to be Callum looking for her, there still has to be a counter-balance / reason behind her absence. What better reason could there be than “I lost her once. I’m not going to lose her again” with his grief in the two year absence providing his emotional, plot driven justification as Callum does everything he possibly can to get her back?

Now, onto my favourite part: the foreshadowing. 

The section is what I call the “this feels like direct setup” with some repeats of what we’ve seen before as well. The next section will be about generational stuff including parents, character designs, cycles, etc. The third section is stuff I think is possibly less likely foreshadowing, but I like it, so I hope it is, called “Be foreshadowing, do it for me.” Hope you enjoy!

Misc. Foreshadowing #1: Heavily Likely

Who the hell is Aaravos saying his “My return to this world is inevitable” and why Rayla is a real candidate to be who it is being delivered to.

Callum rejecting the cube in 2x08 when Harrow reminds him that he’s free VS Callum handing over the cube in 4x09 because Rayla isn’t

They said that, sometimes, we make sacrifices so that the ones we love don’t have to. It’s part of protecting them—part of protecting you. Taking on hard choices and going to dark places is an act of love.

Generational Parallels 

If Callum is rageful against Viren, that cements the other half of the Viren-Avizandum intro parallel, as that is a moment in which Avizandum is not only separated from his child, but hunted due to taking away the love of King Harrow’s life, Queen Sarai. Just as Rayla is repeating Runaan’s cycles (down to her one silver shoulder pad design that is a smaller version of his), it would not surprise me if Callum began to repeat Harrow’s. If you want the in depth version of this theory, check out this tag here, but I think the screencaps speak decently well enough for themselves, don’t you?

Rayla and Runaan’s parallels are also particularly important as due to his stubbornness and duty, Runaan was taken captive by Claudia to be used by Viren specifically in regards to the mirror, and Sarai ultimately died saving Viren’s life.

There are also Callum’s parallels to Runaan to consider (down to the hostage situation in Bloodmoon Huntress) as well as Rayla’s parallels to Harrow.

Misc. Foreshadowing #2: Please be foreshadowing, do it for me

Rebuttals 

Don’t have a lot of interest in discussing negatives, however as the theory gained a lot of traction in the past 3 or so months, there were some issues people had with it, namely: doesn’t it reduce Rayla to a damsel in distress, isn’t it predictable, and why would Rayla forgive Callum for this in the end, all of which I’ve laid out ‘rebuttals’ to over time. If you have for some reason made it all the way down here in this post while still having reservations, one of these metas may remedy them for you - or maybe not! Either way, I think they’re an interesting read.

Rayla is not a damsel in distress

Predictable

Why would Rayla be okay with this in the end?

Other Misc Thoughts

Romeo and Juliet comparisons (thanks, Viren’s VA)

The Way Rayla Has Always Been Set Up as Both Callum’s Salvation and Destruction

Rayllum’s parallels to Aaravos’ “Patience” story (which relates to their overall dynamic I think)

Callum and Rayla always liking/loving each other “too much” than is good for them / Callum as an Icarus figure (boy with wings who flies too close to the literal or proverbial sun)

Why the cube can’t just be positive / Why Rayla’s absence can’t just be positive

TTM / S4′s ATLA Comparisons and Parallels

TDP and Tarot: Rayllum as the Lovers and Aaravos as the Devil

Adam and Eve Comparisons

Alternatives

So let’s just say I’m wrong and all of this foreshadowing, meta, etc. has been for nothing? Cool! I had a good time writing it, theorizing with other people, writing my own fics, and immensely enjoyed reading other people’s fics regarding the theory as well. I have donned my clown wig before with far less reason to and with far less fun as a result, so I’ll have no regrets if that ends up being the case here.

However, and this is what I’ve always come back to in terms of wracking my brain and narrative for this theory is that even with less than one day to release, I have never seen an alternative theory that actually answers all the questions this one has set out to, namely:

What is the Cube?

How do Callum and Rayla ultimately reconcile?

How does Aaravos get out of his mirror?

At least, not all at once, and not in a way that offers up tangible arcs for characters past-S4 either, or in arcs that feel feel a little bit less effective. Now, if Callum loses the Key just out of his own foolishness, that means the finale arc is just a mad dash to try to get it back, which the team will ultimately fail at, but that almost feels like too big of a punishment for something he was so heavily manipulated into (I think he’d have more guilt over that than if he’d made an actual Choice under coercion, y’know?). If the key isn’t crucial to getting out, then why highlight it so much this season? If Callum’s finale arc is just about resisting temptation, than how does that lead to Aaravos getting out — isn’t that too positive a note to end on, and a bit too repetitious of 2x08 if it’s that simple, arguably? And again, it feels like this season has to start addressing the dark side of Rayla’s self sacrificial tendencies and start edging towards fixing them (ergo her realizing she has worth) since it was all those issues compounded that made her leave in the first place?

So perhaps our closing note is to say that, although it’s not as though there are no real alternatives to CHET, there are none out there that currently find answers for what to do with all the pieces on the board and how to achieve the outcome we know S4 is spiralling out to, and that is why for all these reasons, I am very hopeful and excited that I may be right going into S4, for each and every reason provided above.

Happy last day of hiatus, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!

#rayllum #tdp #the dragon prince #devil and the lovers #tdp rayla #tdp callum #parallels #cube hostage exchange theory #mutual salvation theory #moon arcanum theory #s4 spoilers #tdp spoilers #predictions #masterpost #analysis series #analysis #warning: very very long and if it doesn't show in the tags i'll cry #s4 #arc 1 #arc 2 #orpheus and eurydice motif #light and darkness motif #s4 speculation

[arlechinav-blog]

The Cult of the Winds

An adaptive or reconstructive overview from a Hellenic Polytheist perspective.

The Cult of the Winds: An Overview

There are a lot of variations to the Cult of the Winds, and I may be the only person who refers to them collectively as the Cult of the Winds so keep that in mind before you try to google this stuff. I will mark commonly used keyword terms in bold italics so you can better identify which terms are more likely to yield search results. I have my own jargon so it can get a little confusing. Usually people refer to each individual cult by its proper name, if it has one that marks it as something distinct from another. Zar & Gnawa are examples of living Cult of the Winds traditions while the ancient cults of the Kouretes & Koryvantes were also a part of that family tree in the past.  For example, the Zar cult has a few different named variations like: Zar-Hadra, Zar-Bori, Zar-Tumbra. But the vast majority of variations to Zar do not have special terms demarcating them as variations. They are all perfectly equal and valid. The named spirits and their personalities change from region to region and there are some color variations used to represent the courts, and threads (spirit songs) used to call the spirits can also be different from place to place. 

All variations in the wider scope of the Cult of the Winds form what I like to call the spectrum of normal. There is never just one right way to do something. Regional variations are all perfectly valid and help complete the picture of what this cult is all about and what it was designed to do. Having multiple variations of this cult to compare provides stable ground for establishing patterns. 

Background Information

Before I get too far ahead of myself, a little background on what the Cult of the Winds is and what the general associated classical Hellenic micro-pantheon is…

The Cult of the Winds spun out of the likely Bronze Age or even Neolithic ecstatic cave-based practices of a goddess that I usually refer to as the Mountain Mother. She has a lot of names and regional variations but the ones you would probably be most familiar with are Kybele, Ida, Rhea, or Magna Mater.

A while back I created this little image to show the relationships and divisions between the 5 major ecstatic cults of the classical Hellenic world–as they appear to my eyes. The Cult of the Mountain Mother is the starting point for both the Cult of the Winds & the Cult of Divine Madness. And there is a very good reason for that. Both have features and ideological technologies that came directly from her cult practices. Features like using cymbals and clackers to control spirits. It is from the Cult of the Mountain Mother that we get the idea that spirits can be controlled by ringing metal against metal. This is still a major underlying principle in many ecstatic and even shape shifting traditions today and it is the reason that Christian churches ring bells and at least partially forms the underlying belief that fey or other types of nature spirits are repelled by cold iron.

In the Bronze Age, the spirit weapon of choice for her cult would have been either clay or Bronze, depending on exactly where and when we are talking about. With the Bronze Age Collapse came some very serious changes to the spiritual landscape of the pre-Hellenic world. The Mountain Mother had always had sons and daughters. One of those sons was an Eagle god who ruled over the sky and specifically the Winds. With the rise of iron technology, and the spiritual properties associated with iron, that god rose to prominence above the others. This would one day be Zeus.

The Storm God's father was a lightning god, associated with snakes in iconography. Snakes being code for so-so-so many spiritual concepts but in this context, largely the patterns that lightning and static make. That serpentine electrical arc. Eagle Storm God Son overthrew Storm God Snake-Dragon Dad and took his place in both sacred legend and in life. This granted him a very specific spiritual authority over pretty much everything--at least in the minds of his sorcerer priests. Ringing metal against metal was the method for establishing that spiritual dominance. Instead of using a sistrum or hand cymbals to do it, his early cult made the adaptation of using what we would recognize as gongs or shields.

This is where the cults of the Kouretes of Crete and the Koryvantes of Samothrace, Phrygia, and Euboea come into the story. The very early micro-pantheon of the god that would one day be popularly known as Zeus, was largely sky based. He ruled over the Winds as his own domain first and then eventually his priests used the same techniques to extend that influence and control over the other gods. The only deity he never really outranked, as far as these early cults were concerned, was that of his mother, the Mountain Mother.

The early Kouretes and Koryvantes practiced what would eventually come to be seen as sorcery and are pretty much the fathers of many, many later magical traditions. They were metallurgists, blacksmiths, who closely guarded the recipes and techniques used to smelt iron and various other metals and create alloys. At first these secrets were kept in the family, which allowed this to be an extremely exclusive closed practice. Eventually the technology did spread around and when they no longer had the monopoly on it, their practices lost some prestige.

They were an ecstatic cult that compelled Wind spirits but they also provided spiritual services to the public to diagnose which god was cheesed-off at a human being whenever someone felt spiritually tormented. They beat shields together to create a rhythm and danced wildly with swords and knives. Often taking injuries--a feature pulled directly from the practices of the Cult of the Mountain Mother. They chanted hymns to the gods in a special order of strict hierarchy, the same as they would have done for the Winds. Everything was about strict hierarchy with this cult. Everything in order, while the entranced dancers themselves whirled around in chaotic patterns.

By the classical Hellenic period, this wild cult had largely died down but was still held in very high esteem--same with the cult of the Mountain Mother. The ecstatic techniques and ideological technologies that it planted in the population also splintered off in different directions, working their way into the many cults of Dionysos. These cults of Dionysos existed from at least the Bronze Age onward so, to be clear, it was not the cult itself that came later but some of the adapted ecstatic practices that were brought in. The Cult of Dionysos shares a lot of features with the Cult of the Winds, including musical diagnosis and wild dancing to relieve spiritual torment, the use of cymbals--though some branches of Dionysos’ cult used metal while others used wooden clackers. Just an honorable mention for the Cult of Divine Madness before getting back to the Cult of the Winds.

Winds are demons. And I am not talking like the general daimon that could refer to nearly any kind of spirit. I mean a very specific type of bodiless spirit that is generally not the most helpful thing to humanity, yet they absolutely love to mess with humans. Like can't get enough. The idea is that since Winds have no bodies of their own, they like to inhabit the bodies of mortals that they take a liking to--usually someone that they think could give them the experiences and physical sensations that they crave. These mortals are referred to as Brides.

Bride is a genderless term. The closest word I could compare it to in modern English would probably be "bottom." Another code word that was fairly popular for this relationship in the classical Hellenic period would be translated as "horse." Horse is still used today in that same context in various languages where the Cult of the Winds can be found. So, when you go on Theoi in a minute and start looking up the Wind Kings and you see them mentioning horses, they're being very clever and whoever did the translating maybe did not understand that this was a code word for something. Double and even triple meanings to various terms were pretty popular in the classical Hellenic period. The stinkers.

When covertly speaking about the Winds, because talking about them directly is kind of seen as bad luck or an invitation for them to visit, they are usually described as being "above" and their mortal Bride as being "under" them. Which is why horse works so well. And you can see how this cult has influenced so many other spirit traditions in and adjacent to the Med by really exploring this concept. You see these key words used in spirit threads a lot. References to going underground, to diving down below, to being under water, to falling from somewhere. The act of trance itself is described this way, same with hypnosis and anesthesia. You are being "put under."

Not everybody who trances is automatically a Bride. A Bride is someone who has been through a ceremony that formalizes the relationship between mortal and possessing spirit. Those who are taken by a spirit are said to have been bitten, pricked, or pinched. The Bite is the vector of possession. It is how we go from happily lil mortal doodle-dooing through life to BAM!--married to a Wind (or to Dionysos. Similar concept but different cult).

In the Cult of the Winds, this relationship is largely not considered sexual or even romantic in any way. Winds just want to play with human bodies and have adventures while pretending to be human. A lot of them are not super smart and they don't fake being human very well. (You didn't hear that from me.) It would be cute if it wasn't also sometimes very dangerous. A Wind cannot be other than they are. Their nature is a set thing, it never changes. They may not be mean-spirited but they just do not comprehend the limitations of a human body. So the spirit-marriage ceremony is a way of keeping the wind from destroying their Bride. In between the Bite and the marriage ceremony there is a period of drama referred to as spirit sickness or possession illness. This represents the time frame when the possession has been introduced but there are not yet any restraints placed on the Wind so the mortal host's body suffers.

Possession illness is not just any ol’ thing. It is not a disability or a neurodivergence. It is a very specific thing and it is tightly regulated to prevent people who need medical and mental health care from being misdiagnosed. The very first thing a spirit master is going to ask when someone comes to them with their symptoms is, "Have you been to the doctor? Have you been to several?"

There is a chain of operations here. This cult is all about hierarchy and doctors are always at the top tier. A potential Bride should do everything in their power to get licensed medical help first. Then licensed psychological help. If both of those fail to yield a solution, the next step is to go to your official religious authority and see if they can help. Spiritwork is always a last resort. It is a lifelong commitment and a very big deal. Doing this also helps to provide proof of state through a process of elimination. If nobody else can figure out a solution to your ailment, then it improves the likelihood that the cause is a Wind.

No spirit master of any repute is ever going to sit down with a person, listen to their story, and tell them, "Yes, you have a spirit and this is their name!" That curdles my blood just thinking about it. That violates the heart of how these rituals function. Even the Kouretes & Koryvantes would never say such a thing right off the cuff. The afflicted must go through the diagnostic musical ritual. The afflicted is expected to lie completely still in a catatonic state until they hear the music of their possessing Wind (it is the same in Tarantella, which is a part of the greater cult of Dionysos, btw).

The living traditions surrounding the Cult of the Winds tend to be a little more old fashioned and stodgy than their Dionysian cousin traditions. They have their spirit threads (chants) and each one is tied to a named spirit. Tarantella is more of a musical free-for-all. There are no spirit names, just an ever-growing repertoire of spirit songs. Any new song that enters the Tarantella repertoire is fair game. So, there is so much more music to learn for Tarantella than for any of the Cults of the Winds.

If you are a lead musician for a variation of either tradition, you are in for a lengthy period of study. Say a prayer for your poor hands and voice. I'm kidding. It is actually a lot of fun to learn. Not everything serious in life is serious all the time. Well, I think it is fun. If you give it a shot and you feel your body fighting against it, it may be a sign to try a different role. It takes a whole team of people to effectively pull off these rituals. This is definitely not solo trance time…

Onward to the Winds!

Time to introduce these guys. As I have already said, the Winds have a strict hierarchy. The cardinal directions (N, S, E, W) are considered the royals or kings of their respective directions. Just about every language has their own names for these beings. The kings do not take Brides very often and are sometimes barely involved in the rituals directly. This image here also provides 4 more names for the Winds who rule the directions in between (NE, NW, SE, SW). These are also nobles but they rank underneath the 4 kings.

Some traditions include nobles and some don't. Some have just the 4 kings. Some have 4 kings and 4 nobles. Some have 4 kings and 8 nobles. Something you may notice pretty quickly is the symbol that emerges from them. The compass. This compass will change design depending on which version of the cult we are looking at. It will have either 4, 8, or 12 spokes to the wheel. Later nautical traditions got really carried away with naming the Winds and you can find maps with all kinds of names. Way more than 12. All are valid but not all are part of a known ecstatic Cult of the Winds. But if you were to reconstruct something like this on your own, whatever traditional names you would want to put in there should be within the spectrum of normal. At least from my perspective. Each cardinal direction is associated with a greater court and a color. This is where it starts to get tricky. Different traditions use different colors. 

Speaking of confusion, the Winds who take Brides should not be thought of as directions. The directions are what rule, govern, and inspire them. The directions are their Lords--who they have to listen to and obey. Winds don't listen to just anyone. They only listen to their direct superior in the hierarchy. So, when you are reading a sacred legend about a Wind and the author describes them listening attentively and doing what they are told, whoever gave them an order is higher ranking than they are. (In classical Hellenic texts this is usually Iris and the author is displaying her rank in the spiritual hierarchy by describing how the 4 kings respond to her.)  

Instead of directions–which are the nobles–think of the average Winds as a collection of passions taken to an extreme. Each cardinal direction has their own type of extreme passion. It is a bit more nuanced than what I am presenting here but this is a good starting guide for building some understanding.

For the North it is Fear. 

For the East it is Distraction. 

For the South it is Obsession. 

For the West it is Lust.

There can be any number of Winds in each court. They do not have to be evenly matched with each other. Since they do not represent directions and instead represent extreme passions, there can be quite a lot of them. In more modern traditions like Zar and Gnawa, Winds are born, live, and die just like people do. I don't know if that was the case in antiquity. Basically if it is a passion that exists and someone created a name for it, there is probably a corresponding Wind. 

As I stated in the very beginning of this, Winds are just largely incompatible with human bodies. So, when I'm describing the worst of what they are and what they do, understand that this is what they would be like in their natural state before a Bridal ceremony. This is how they make their Brides sick and it is why these ceremonies exist to begin with. The ecstatic rituals are designed to bring harmony and peace to all involved. Once a potential Bride has gone through the Bridal ceremony, their Wind will be at peace within them. Each will have rules to follow in life to keep the other safe and content.

These rituals come from a time before Christianity took hold anywhere. And some aspects of Christianity evolved as a direct response to them. When early Christian writers talk about people trafficking with demons, this is at least a good chunk of what they are talking about. They viewed the propitiation of these types of spirits as evil and wrong and they presented an alternative to spending your life in a spirit marriage. That alternative was and still is exorcism. 

THE WINDS/ ANEMOI/ AETAI

The Winds are the living spirits of the wind itself. They represent pure thought, ideas, and whisperings of the mind as much as they represent the directions, gusts, and seasons they are tied to. The Winds are assembled into a strict hierarchy of Courts with each Court ruled by a King of that direction. The Four Wind Kings are the sons and subjects of Eos (Dawn) and Astraios/Aeolus (Prophecy/Astrology). Beneath them are the High Nobles and under those are the Low Nobles. 

The Kings: Boreas= North, Notos= South, Apeliotes= East, Zephyrus= West

High Nobles: Kaikas= North East, Eurus= South East, Skiron= North West, Lips= South West

Low Nobles: Meses=NNE, Euronotus= SSE, Libonotus= SSW, Thrasias= NNW

In each of the cardinal directions there are varying named and unnamed lesser winds who constitute the Court of that direction. Winds are closely associated with horses. Horses are often code for gods and spirits who take Brides (possess mortals). 

Each tier in the hierarchy of the Winds must answer to the tier above it. The Wind Kings themselves will answer to their parents, Eos & Astraios, as well as Iris on behalf of Hera, Zeus, & Zeus’ Mother (Rhea, Ida, Kybele–traditional names vary). In this they are compelled by the crashing of metal against metal, such as used in ritual music composed of metal bells, cymbals, sistrum, and shields.   

BOREAS is the King of the Northern Winds. As the North Wind, Boreas is associated with the Winter season and chill, icy winds that blow down from the Thracian mountains. Boreas is also associated with knowledge, fear, contemplation, leadership, and authority. 

OFFERINGS AND ASSOCIATIONS

Symbols: Conch shell. 

Colors: Purple or White. 

Animals: Horses. Winged Horses. 

Plants/Herbs: Root vegetables, purple winter flowers. 

Food/Drink: Mountain tea (Τσάι του βουνού). 

Offerings: Frankincense/ Livani. 

NOTUS is the King of the Southern Winds. As the South Wind, Notus is associated with the Autumn drenching rain and cruel storms that blow towards the Aegean from Ethiopia. Notus is associated with darkness, obsessions, deeply rooted passions and is closely tied to the traditions of Rhea/ Ida/ Kybele. 

OFFERINGS AND ASSOCIATIONS

Symbols: Knives, metal spade. 

Colors: Black or Dark Brown

Animals: Horses. Winged Horses.

Plants/Herbs: Rosemary, dark colored flowers, fragrant herbs.  

Food/Drink: Blood or wine. 

Offerings: Frankincense/ Livani

APELIOTES is the King of the Eastern Winds. Sometimes the name Eurus is used. The name of this Wind King is not as firmly fixed as the others because the Eastern Wind was added later. Originally there were only 3 Kings and the East was ruled by the Dawn or the Sun. As such, the Eastern Wind King is still associated with fire, warmth, and the plenty of the summer months. Apeliotes is also associated with mischief, distractions, pranks, daydreams, and leisure time. 

OFFERINGS AND ASSOCIATIONS

Symbols: Cornucopia. 

Colors: Orange-Red. 

Animals: Horses. 

Plants/Herbs: Harvest fruits and grains. 

Food/Drink: Spicy foods, hot drinks, beer, cider. 

Offerings: Frankincense/ Livani. 

ZEPHYRUS is the King of the Western Winds. As the West Wind, Zephyrus is associated with the thaw of spring, youth, love, and the first flowers of the season. Zephyrus is also associated with love, lust, jealousy, romance, music, and pleasant things. 

OFFERINGS AND ASSOCIATIONS

Symbols: Spring Flowers. 

Colors: Warm Blues. 

Animals: Horses, scorpions.  

Plants/Herbs: Crocus, Hyacinth, Daffodils, and other spring flowers. 

Food/Drink: Sweet beverages, occasionally alcohol. 

Offerings: Frankincense/ Livani. 

*Winds are an integral part of spirit possession traditions of the pan-Mediterranean. Associated with disquieting passions that cannot be ignored. Surviving traditional practices relating to the Winds involve complex rituals of musical propitiation and spirit marriage wherein the Winds and their Courts take mortal Brides. 

Arlechina Special Notes:

The offerings and associations provided are just for the Wind Kings. The High and Low Nobles were not included in this write up because so much of the material available on them comes from living traditions and those really vary a lot from region to region, as we went over a bit previously. Some traditions include them and some do not. Offerings, associations, and names were also not provided for the spirits of each Court for similar reasons. Those will be similar to the Kings of their respective Courts BUT not identical. Each spirit has something very particular that they like and that literally can vary from Spirit House to Spirit House. 

A Spirit House is an individual group of humans who gather together to perform musical rituals of propitiation for the Winds and their Brides. For example, if we were to get together and go through these rituals, our individual group would be a Spirit House and we would have our own variations on these traditions for spirit names, threads (spirit chants), offerings, and associations based on how the spirits interact with their Brides in our specific house. Variation is normal but it does follow a spectrum of things that make sense and form unity with other Spirit Houses. This is why, even in antiquity, there would be many different names for the individual lesser Winds as spirits from place to place.

General Info on Spirit Possession

For those who are not familiar with what spirit possession traditions look like or how they function, it is a pretty consistent thing all over the world so there is a method/ series of techniques to doing it well. These same techniques are found in all of the Mystery Religions of the wider ancient Mediterranean as well as living traditions of that same region today. This makes it easier to understand the methods because there is consistency and continuity involved.

Firstly, these rituals are musical. There is a thread (spirit song) for every spirit that compels them to rise up in their mortal Bride and dance/ move. They go from dormant to suddenly very active when they hear their thread. Through their dancing they will portray who they are and what they desire. The Bride will wear the colors of their Wind groom (still a term linked to horses), and partake of the offerings the spirit has requested. So, while their music plays, they will eat and drink, use the tools associated with their Wind, and move in such a way as that Wind is known to move.

Spirit possession is not considered rare at all. It is in fact quite contagious and all gods and spirits who take Brides can and will take many at once. This includes the Cults of the Winds as well as the Cults of Dionysos and any other that follows this sort of format. Multiple spirits may even claim the same mortal Bride. Every single spirit marriage requires a separate contract/ agreement made between the Bride & the Wind. So, if you have three separate Winds over your head, you are going to have a very busy night during the course of the ritual.

These rituals are usually done at night in the living traditions that I am familiar with. And I seem to recall it was a complaint raised by detractors of spirit possession traditions in antiquity because, at least in a few hoity-toity minds, proper people don't get up to wild dancing shenanigans under cover of darkness. If it is truly good, then it should be done in the daylight! Eff that. The night time is the right time. 

This means that participants stay awake all night doing this. If you are a musician, gods help your poor hands and voice. This is partly why the living traditions are most active in the summer months--shorter nights! There is a practical reason for everything. It is also meant as a sort of catharsis--to journey into the darkness, confront spirits, and emerge in the dawn whole, healed, changed. This concept is reinforced in the classical Hellenic Cult of the Winds with Eos (Dawn) as their mother who compels them to step back and surrender their mortal Brides to their own lives, until the time comes to dance all night again. We dance under the stars of Astraios until the Dawn brings spiritual clarity and unity.

#hellenic polytheism #spiritwork #trance work

[kermitmentality]

helloooo!!

welcome to my blog :) a bit about myself~

hello! my name is giulia! i am almost 18 years old and my pronouns are she/her

i am queer, not sure what labels except for demi-romantic and demi-sexual (most likely les but i don’t need to know rn :))

i am also single :) and loving it tbh

i have been diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. i have had an €d for the past 4 years of my life, putting myself through pain to only yield zero results due to these conditions. i have decided i am going to try to heal my body in a *healthy* way. i cannot say i am recovering because i obsess over making myself healthy, and other reasons.

i have been diagnosed with anorexia, MDD (depression), and GAD (anxiety). also a few others but those are mostly unimportant lol. so yes, i am mentally ill lol

some of my hobbies are singing, hanging with siblings and friends, bakinggg, reading, scuba diving, and procrastinating :)

if i go poof at any time, you can most likely blame my parents lol

and now, just a few things about my blog...

first of all, i would just like to say that although this account has always been my safe space and was an €d account (never pro), i am now trying to better my health

THIS IS YOUR WARNING! i may have content involving €ds, SH, depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses

i am NOT pro €d in any way, shape, or form. i may post about my struggles with my €d and trying to get through “recovery”, i may repost my friend’s mental health posts, i may sometimes have triggering content on my blog (will always be TWed). i do not and have never supported €ds.

everything i post is to vent or to cope, and to help others cope. any food, workout plan, or health related post i make is about my recovery from a condition i have.

i am entirely pro recovery, and if i ever use humor, i am a mentally ill queer. sorry. it also is just helping myself and others feel comfortable and have a safe space to discuss their disorders. 

i see how incredibly awful it is to have mental illnesses, having a few myself, and i would not wish any pain on ANYONE. i will never ever ever ever encourage €d behavior or SH or anything harmful to one’s mind or body.

IF YOU ARE EVER TRIGGERED BY SOMETHING ON MY ACCOUNT OR ARE NOT PART OF THE MENTALLY ILL/€D COMMUNITY, OR ARE IN RECOVERY, BLOCK, DONT REPORT, MY ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. 

if you are pro ed, also block my account :) and rethink your actions please

i would just like to add, this is truly my only vent space and does help me cope with my mental illnesses as i live with people who are homophobic, of a religion different than mine, and do not want to help me in ways that will actually help. please please please block, dont report. if you have an issue with me or my blog, you are welcome to talk to me about my content before you continue with any action. id gladly speak to anyone about my content and i will listen to anything being said :)

anyways, i promise im a friendly person and i would love love love to be friends! dm me anytime and ask to talk about anything :) or lmk if you need any help at all, or would like to vent or anythinggg, im always here! 

love u all, stay safe <333

p.s. my backup is @kermit-mentality :))

my tags:

#kermiecooks for my low cal recipes and posts

#kermiebakes for my baking stuff :) love to bake

#mealsforkermie for meal ideas that i like :)

[spacetimewithstuartgary]

What makes black holes grow and new stars form? Machine learning helps solve the mystery

When they are active, supermassive black holes play a crucial role in the way galaxies evolve. Until now, growth was thought to be triggered by the violent collision of two galaxies followed by their merger, however new research led by the University of Bath suggests galaxy mergers alone are not enough to fuel a black hole – a reservoir of cold gas at the centre the host galaxy is needed too.

The new study, published this week in the journal Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society is believed to be the first to use machine learning to classify galaxy mergers with the specific aim of exploring the relationship between galaxy mergers, supermassive black-hole accretion and star formation. Until now, mergers were classified (often incorrectly) through human observation alone.

“When humans look for galaxy mergers, they don’t always know what they are looking at and they use a lot of intuition to decide if a merger has happened,” said Mathilda Avirett-Mackenzie, PhD student in the Department of Physics at the University of Bath and first author on the research paper. The study was a collaboration between partners from BiD4BEST (Big Data Applications for Black Hole Evolution Studies), whose Innovative Training Network provides doctorial training in the formation of supermassive black holes.

She added: “By training a machine to classify mergers, you get a much more truthful reading of what galaxies are actually doing.”

Supermassive black holes

Supermassive black holes are found in the centre of all massive galaxies (to give a sense of scale, the Milky Way, with around 200 billion stars, is only a medium-sized galaxy). These supersized black holes typically weigh between millions and billions of times the mass of our sun.

Through most of their lives, these black holes are quiescent, sitting quietly while matter orbits around them, and having little impact on the galaxy as a whole. But for brief phases in their lives (brief only on an astronomical scale, and most likely lasting millions to hundreds of millions of years), they use gravitation forces to draw large amounts of gas towards them (an event known as accretion), resulting in a bright disk that can outshine the entire galaxy.

It’s these short phases of activity that are most important for galaxy evolution, as the massive amounts of energy released through accretion can impact how stars form in galaxies. For good reason then, establishing what causes a galaxy to move between its two states – quiescent and star-forming – is one of the greatest challenges in astrophysics.

“Determining the role of supermassive black holes in galaxy evolution is crucial in our studies of the universe,” said Ms Avirett-Mackenzie.

Human inspection vs machine learning

For decades, theoretical models have suggested black holes grow when galaxies merge. However, astrophysicists studying the connection between galaxy mergers and black-hole growth over many years have been challenging these models with a simple question: How do we reliably identify mergers of galaxies?

Visual inspection has been the most commonly used method. Human classifiers – either experts or members of the public – observe galaxies and identify high asymmetries or long tidal tails (thin, elongated regions of stars and interstellar gas that extend into space), both of which are associated with galaxy mergers.

However, this observational method is both time-consuming and unreliable, as it’s easy for humans to make mistakes in their classifications. As a result, merger studies often yield contradictory results.

For the new Bath-led study, the researchers set themselves the challenge of improving the way mergers are classified by studying the connection between black-hole growth and galaxy evolution through the use of artificial intelligence.

Inspired by the human brain

They trained a neural network (a subset of machine learning inspired by the human brain and mimicking the way biological neurons signal to one another) on simulated galaxy mergers, then applied this model to galaxies observed in the cosmos.

By doing so, they were able to identify mergers without human biases and study the connection between galaxy mergers and black-hole growth. They showed that the neural network outperforms human classifiers in identifying mergers, and in fact, human classifiers tend to mistake regular galaxies for mergers.

Applying this new methodology, the researchers were able to show that mergers are not strongly associated with black-hole growth. Merger signatures are equally common in galaxies with and without accreting supermassive black holes.

Using an extremely large sample of approximately 8,000 accreting black-hole systems – which allowed the team to study the question in much more detail – it was found that mergers led to black-hole growth only in a very specific type of galaxies: star-forming galaxies containing significant amounts of cold gas.

This shows that galaxy mergers alone are not enough to fuel black holes: large amounts of cold gas must also be present to allow the black hole to grow.

Ms Avirett-Mackenzie said: “For galaxies to form stars, they must contain cold gas clouds that are able to collapse into stars. Highly energetic processes like supermassive black-hole accretion heats this gas up, either rendering it too energetic to collapse or blowing it out of the galaxy.”

She added: “On a clear night, you can just about spot this process happening in real time with the Orion Nebula – a large, star-forming region in our galaxy and the closest of its kind to Earth – where you can see some stars that were formed recently and others that are still forming.”

Dr Carolin Villforth, senior lecturer in the Department of Physics and Ms Avirett-Mackenzie’s supervisor at Bath, said: “Until now, everyone was studying mergers the same way – through visual classification. With this method, when using expert classifiers that can spot more subtle features, we were only able to look at a couple of hundred galaxies, no more.

“Using machine learning instead opens up an entirely new and very exciting field where you can analyse thousands of galaxies at a time. You get consistent results over really large samples, and at any given moment, you can look at many different properties of a black hole.”

#science #space #astronomy #physics #news #astrophysics