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#the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was.
ayekha · 3 years
Text
mmm
death and abuse in the tags
#yeah. my nana is gonna die soon and i had been thinking about calling her for *months* and never did#because i never. showed her my transition she never saw me post-op she has. no idea who i am#she's gonna die before ever really meeting me and i am never going to get her to see me and i was. selfish?#to just be so consumed with fear that anything i told her would just make its way back to my old man#because it's been no-contact for maybe like#four years now? coming up on five in october i think. and for good reason. and i can't. see him. y'know. like i can't.#and going to hospice going to a service going anywhere he might be is dangerous. i have almost no family because of hiding from him.#and that is usually. fine. i guess. because i hate most of them anyway they're just as cruel and disgusting but.#i love my uncle joe? i love my sister? and i do love my nana. even if she's hurt me so much too.#i want to at least. see her or pay some respects when i can but i don't know *when* i can because of this hurdle.#i can't go to a service. i am literally unable now to go to my own grandmother's funeral service. because her son decided to [redacted] me#how is. how is that fair how is that like. okay. on any level how is it okay that he gets to keep his family and i am excised from it#the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was.#it's a violent sickening cycle and i should not be losing so much for the simple crime of being. born. being hurt. scared. sick.#it's complete bullshit and he should be dying honestly. he should be dead for everything he's done.#not that nana isn't just Ready. she is. it's been a long time coming she's 85 she's ready.#but the last few years didn't have to be so fraught with tension and anger and running in circles. i could have just had a grandmother.#in a better world i'd be able to say goodbye like any ordinary grandson. and she would know me as her grandson and it'd be okay.#i was going to write a poem about this a few months ago. something about how she'll never see that i'm a better man than her son.#and the best part is i'm only somewhat a man. but i still have him beat. and. no one will ever see it. i do not exist.#a.txt
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