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#the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was.
ayekha
·
3 years
Text
mmm
death and abuse in the tags
#yeah. my nana is gonna die soon and i had been thinking about calling her for *months* and never did
#because i never. showed her my transition she never saw me post-op she has. no idea who i am
#she's gonna die before ever really meeting me and i am never going to get her to see me and i was. selfish?
#to just be so consumed with fear that anything i told her would just make its way back to my old man
#because it's been no-contact for maybe like
#four years now? coming up on five in october i think. and for good reason. and i can't. see him. y'know. like i can't.
#and going to hospice going to a service going anywhere he might be is dangerous. i have almost no family because of hiding from him.
#and that is usually. fine. i guess. because i hate most of them anyway they're just as cruel and disgusting but.
#i love my uncle joe? i love my sister? and i do love my nana. even if she's hurt me so much too.
#i want to at least. see her or pay some respects when i can but i don't know *when* i can because of this hurdle.
#i can't go to a service. i am literally unable now to go to my own grandmother's funeral service. because her son decided to [redacted] me
#how is. how is that fair how is that like. okay. on any level how is it okay that he gets to keep his family and i am excised from it
#the same way his first victim was excommunicated and we were all fed lies about why that was.
#it's a violent sickening cycle and i should not be losing so much for the simple crime of being. born. being hurt. scared. sick.
#it's complete bullshit and he should be dying honestly. he should be dead for everything he's done.
#not that nana isn't just Ready. she is. it's been a long time coming she's 85 she's ready.
#but the last few years didn't have to be so fraught with tension and anger and running in circles. i could have just had a grandmother.
#in a better world i'd be able to say goodbye like any ordinary grandson. and she would know me as her grandson and it'd be okay.
#i was going to write a poem about this a few months ago. something about how she'll never see that i'm a better man than her son.
#and the best part is i'm only somewhat a man. but i still have him beat. and. no one will ever see it. i do not exist.
#a.txt
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