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prettyboybarzal · 4 years

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Falling For You

Pairing: Jake DeBrusk x female!OC

Summary: Sutton Beckett is settling for an unhappy relationship, but a chance encounter with Jake changes everything.

Word Count: 18k+

A/N: Happy birthday, JD! Here’s the fic I’ve been working on since the beginning of quarantine. It’s been fun for me to write in my free time. It’s mostly a friends to lovers story, but very much a slow burn. SLOW. BURN. (Title inspired by Fallingforyou by The 1975)

Warnings: Smut, alcohol consumption, shitty boyfriend (not Jake)

Masterlist

January 20th, 2019

Sutton Beckett was pouting into a Long Island Iced Tea in the middle of a club in Boston. Despite being surrounded by her two best friends and a sea of beautiful, smiling people, she couldn’t find it in herself to crack so much as a smirk.

“Stop moping,” her roommate, Kate, demanded. Sutton lifted her chin and caught the glare she was sending her. “You’re no fun when you’re fighting with Garrett.”

“So, she’s no fun all the time?” their other roommate, Mia, asked with a sarcastic laugh.

“I’m fun!”

“Yeah, when you’re not fixated on every little detail of every little fight you have with him.”

Sutton almost opened her mouth to argue that her roommates were wrong, but she was tired of fighting it. They were completely right. Her relationship of two years was draining her energy completely.

When she first met him, their relationship felt like a dream. He was older, so he had a well-paying job and she reaped the benefits of those paychecks. He brought her to five-star restaurants and surprised her with gifts just because. He talked about the future and his plans to buy them a house on the Cape. She loved him, she saw that future with him, but as time had gone on the vision was getting dimmer.

After they hit a year and a half, a switch flipped.

When Garrett stopped caring, she blamed it on his work, but months passed and she needed something new to blame it on. His parents’ divorce, his sister’s Bridezilla wedding planning, even the death of his childhood dog. But she knew, and her friends knew, the relationship was a disaster and her excuses weren’t good enough.

“What was the fight about tonight?”

“He didn’t like what she was wearing,” Kate answered the question before Sutton could even open her mouth. Sutton opened her mouth, no doubt to come to Garrett’s defense, but Kate warned her, “Don’t defend him.”

“I’m going to grab another drink.”

Sutton found an open space at the bar and gunned for it. But, just as she stepped into the space, someone else did the same and she nearly crashed right into the broad chest of a random man. He stopped short just before she collided into him. When she looked up at him, he spoke but the music was too loud to hear. So, he leaned down to speak into her ear.

“You can order first,” he spoke, nodding towards the bar. “I’ll wait my turn.”

The boy stood at least two steps behind her as she leaned against the bar and stood on her tippy toes to get the bartender’s attention. She was shorter than almost everyone standing at the counter and kept getting ignored as a result, so he finally took matters into his own hands and waved the bartender down.

She spotted him and made a beeline to their side of the bar, though she looked directly past Sutton and up to him.

“I’ll have a ginger whiskey,” he spoke. He extended his hand with his card right over Sutton’s shoulder. “And whatever she’s having you can put on my card, too.”

Sutton almost protested, but the moment she turned to do so, he simply shook his head and she snapped her mouth shut. She placed her order, despite herself, and turned back to the boy as the bartender went to grab the drinks.

“I have a boyfriend,” she told him. He choked on his laughter, but said nothing more as he leaned over her to grab their drinks from the counter of the bar. He handed her glass to her as she continued rambling. “I wasn’t sure if you were, like, flirting with me and I didn’t want to take advantage of you if you were.”

“I was totally flirting with you,” he admitted. Sutton’s eyebrows shot up at his honesty. “But, hey, no problem. We can just be friends, yeah?”

She eyed him skeptically because, honestly, no guys just wanted to be friends. But the smile on his face made it hard for her to believe that he had any bad intentions. He just looked kinder than most guys—soft eyes, kind smile, brown hair that was a little long and tousled like he couldn’t have been bothered to groom it himself.

“Sure, we can be friends,” she told him with a smile that mirrored his own. “What’s your name?”

“Jake,” he introduced himself as he extended his hand.

“I’m Sutton,” she responded, dropping her hand in his. His fingers, rough against her much softer and more delicate skin, curled around her hand and gave her a firm shake.

“I love your outfit,” he said, leaning back to admire the lace body suit she paired with black skinny jeans. Her hand remained in his grasp as she threw her head back with a laugh. How beautifully ironic this interaction was.

“Thank you,” she responded, shaking her head at him in amusement as they dropped each other’s hands. “Guys never compliment girls on what they wear, so thank you for being a breath of fresh air.”

“Not even what’s-his-name?”

“Who?”

“Your boyfriend.”

She laughed again before offering his name.

“Garrett.”

“Garrett,” he scoffed. He knew he was probably treading on thin ice, but he also noticed how easily the laughter was falling from her lips, so he continued. “Garrett doesn’t compliment you?”

“Not tonight,” she said, gazing down at the glass in her hands. She didn’t mean for it to come out sounding that sad, and yet. “No.”

Jake frowned as he watched her close in on herself. The laughter was gone and her eyes had gone dark and the smile on her lips was upside down, so he asked, “Do you want to dance?”

And, because the five minutes she’d been around him made her smile harder than the past six months with Garrett, she decided to say, “I’d love to.”

In the middle of the dancefloor, he spun her into his chest. His free hand fell to her hips as her arms curled around his neck to rest her elbows on his shoulders. She giggled softly again before curling her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

It started out innocent enough, but as the music changed so did the air between them. It wasn’t long before her back was pressed against his chest, glasses forgotten on a table a few steps away from them. His hands danced along her sides and wrapped around her waist to pull her close.

He liked the way she laughed and the way she felt against him and he noticed that she would lull her head to the side when he leaned down to whisper in her ear. His breath tickled her neck and she reacted immediately and it turned him on. He wanted to touch her bare skin, he wanted to kiss her neck, and he wondered if he could press his luck. He reached up, brushed her hair behind her, and leaned in to place a chaste kiss against her neck.

Nothing more happened, though they danced through another few songs before he was dragged away from her to rejoin his friends. He practically begged for her phone and left his number under a contact name of Jane (“Just in case Gary sees,” he explained. “Garrett,” she corrected him.)

When she returned home that night, she jumped in the shower immediately, earning confused looks from her roommates. She told them that she just felt gross when she really just needed to wash him off her skin.

---

February 12th, 2019

“Garrett, wonderful to see you.”

“Likewise.”

Sutton laughed to herself at the sarcastic formalities exchanged between her boyfriend and Mia. It had been a few weeks since her night out with the girls and, even though Sutton and Garrett hadn’t fought since, Mia still couldn’t stand seeing him in their apartment.

“Where’s my girl?”

“Bedroom.”

Sutton heard him approaching and pulled the door open. When he stepped in, he held up a jersey and waved it in her direction.

“You can wear my Pasta jersey tonight,” he spoke. “He’s one of our best players.”

She reached out and took it from his hand, but he didn’t release it. Instead, he leaned in and puckered his lips for a kiss. She complied after mentally rolling her eyes at him. He let go of the jersey, and she slipped it on over a long sleeve shirt. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah, baby,” he answered, stepping up behind her as she check herself out in the mirror. He wound his arms around her waist and kissed her neck. “This is such a great gift.”

“I’m glad,” she said softly, thinking about all the money she’d spent on it. He better have liked it, if not only for the dent it left in her wallet.

They made it to their seats five minutes before puck drop. He spent most of their ride to the Garden talking her ear off about the team and the season they’d been having, but Sutton never cared much for sports so most of it was in one ear and out the other.

It wasn’t until the team came out for the beginning of the game that Sutton’s worlds collided. Above her head on the massive Jumbotron, Jake was smiling down at her. She gasped, hand jolting in surprise just enough to spill some beer on Garrett’s jeans.

“Sutton, what the hell?” he grunted, wiping the liquid off his leg. She muttered an apology, but her eyes were already searching the ice for the boy she’d been considering a missed connection. He stood at center ice, shuffling on his skates as the anthem played. And his number? 74. Just like the jersey Garrett was wearing.

She was flustered in the very worst way. It felt like she was barely functioning, unable to carry a conversation with Garrett because her mind was so clearly on Jake. It was made even worse whenever she caught a glimpse of his last name branded across Garrett’s back. She felt a little bit sick, and a little bit guilty, even though she didn’t really have a reason to be.

On the way back to her apartment, Garrett chattered on about the game while she stared down at her phone in her lap. It felt heavier now that she’d been reminded of the number in her phone.

He walked her up to her apartment, though she kind of hoped he’d just stay in the car, and waited for her to change out of his jersey before going. Kate began to chat with him, and Sutton made a mental note to thank her later for at least being polite.

“What are you guys going to do for Valentines?”

“Well, we just had an early Valentines’ date tonight,” he said. Sutton reentered the room at that moment, wishing she had stayed in her bedroom for a moment longer so she didn’t have to hear that. “Did you have fun, baby?”

She nodded because she genuinely thought if she opened her mouth that she would cry.

“Oh!” Kate responded. Her face was white, eyes shifting uncomfortably between her best friend and the guy who’d just crushed her spirit. “No dinner on the day of?”

Garrett offered the girls a performative pouted, dropping an arm over Sutton’s shoulders, as he responded, “I tried to get reservations at Sutton’s favorite spot, but they’re all booked up.”

“When did you try to do that?” Kate asked, eyebrows raised in shock.

“I called last weekend.”

“Garrett, it’s Valentines’ Day,” Mia grunted as she entered the room. He glared at her. “You can’t just call the weekend before and get a table. You should’ve planned in advance.”

“Oh, no,” Sutton spoke up, suddenly finding her voice as she waved off their concerns. “It’s really not a big deal. We’ve been together for so long, you know? We’ve celebrated way too many things. Besides, Valentines’ is just a money maker, right?”

“You crack me up,” he murmured. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Sutton’s lips. “Listen, babe, I have to run. Early morning tomorrow. I’ll call you, okay?”

“Okay.”

Kate and Mia waited until they heard the elevator doors close before launching into a dramatic monologue about how much they hated him, how Sutton deserved better. Sutton, on the other hand, made herself a grilled cheese while they ranted at her and tried to tune them out.

When she was in bed later that night, she couldn’t find it in her to turn on the television or read the book she’d bought earlier that afternoon. Instead, she stared blankly at the wall in front of her and let her brain run a mile a minute.

Finally, after about thirty minutes, she grabbed her phone and pulled up Jake’s contact. She laughed at the contact photo, a goofy selfie he’d taken of himself just before leaving her that night.

When were you going to tell me you were a professional hockey player?

She deleted it and retyped it about five times before just hitting send and hoping for the best.

Across the city, Jake was slipping into his apartment and nearly dropped the food he grabbed on the way home when he saw her name flash across the screen. He smiled when he read her message and settled down at the kitchen table to respond before eating.

Right now, I guess

Bubbles popped up on his screen immediately as she typed out a message of her own. He locked his phone, then unlocked it, watching the bubbles intently as if urging her to type faster.

I was at the game tonight… My boyfriend wore your jersey.

Jake licked his bottom lip, tugging it between his teeth to suppress the cocky grin that was finding its way to his lips.

What did you wear?

Sutton laughed at the undertone of the message, but before she could respond he’d already sent another.

I don’t mean it like you think I do. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Her response: I wore a Pastrnak jersey… And my mind isn’t in the gutter

Well, why don’t you just rip my heart out, Sutton???

The next morning, she woke up to a follow request from him and the realization that a simple shower wasn’t going to make him go away.

---

February 14th, 2019

In the two days since Garrett dropped the bomb about the lack of Valentines’ plans, Sutton had come to terms with it. It was okay that they weren’t going out to some fancy dinner surrounded by happy couples or desperate singles… As long as he did something to make up for it.

Quite honestly, she wasn’t asking for much.

Flowers would be great, she thought. But, at this point, she would settle for a heartfelt card (or, hell, even a text).

She woke up to a coffee, still hot, waiting for her on the counter with a sweet Post-It note from Kate. Mia even snuck freshly baked cookies into the girls’ lunches. Sutton would be making dinner in their apartment that night as her contribution to their Valentines’ Day plans. At the end of the day, she knew she’d be thankful she spent the night with her girls instead of Garrett.

Maybe that was a problem.

There were no flowers waiting for her when she got to work, and still none by lunchtime. She checked with the office’s receptionist three times that day, wondering if she’d missed a call or something like that. But she hadn’t.

It was around 4 p.m., two hours until the end of her work day, when she heard the mail cart rolling down the hallway.

“Special delivery for Miss Beckett!”

Sutton’s heart fluttered. She practically danced out to the hallway from her desk. The cute elderly man who delivered the mail was standing just beyond the threshold with a black box wrapped in a beautiful white bow.

“Thank you, Earl.”

“Enjoy, beautiful,” he said. “He better treat you right or someone else might come and snatch you up.”

Sutton laughed politely as she walked back to her desk. She placed the box down and squealed excitedly as she pulled the ribbon apart. She took the top off, pulled back the tissue paper, and revealed a Bruins t-shirt with a note that read: You’d look better in #74 than your boyfriend

While Kate and Mia set the dinner table that night, Sutton found herself preoccupied with dinner and Jake DeBrusk, once again. She’d been thinking about his gift all day.

Since she texted him the other night, they’d been Snapchatting a little bit. It was never anything of substance, just photos of his sneakers or skates and her coffees. They hadn’t exchanged any message since earlier that morning, and certainly not after the arrival of his gift, but she knew she’d have to thank him eventually. It made her nervous to think about. She typed out a dozen of texts, but kept talking herself out of it and deleting them. She was so far in her head that she couldn’t figure out how to deal with the situation.

She figured that she should’ve been more upset with him. Sending her a gift on Valentines’ Day when he knew she had boyfriend was clearly crossing a line and she knew she needed to stop him before he took it too far. But, she couldn’t help but ask herself if she even wanted to.

Against her better judgement, Sutton decided she needed to ask for help from the girls. So, as she placed the entrée down on their dining table, she announced, “I need to talk to you guys. And I need you to not be crazies, or jump to conclusions, or anything like that.”

“If it’s about Garrett, I’m liable to be a little crazy.”

“It’s not about him,” she said. “Well, it kind of is. Indirectly, at least.”

“Spit it out, Sutton.”

“Remember when we went out after Garrett and I fought at the end of last month?” she asked. The girls nodded, already digging into the food on their plate despite Sutton being too nervous to put anything on her own. Kate noticed and began shoveling food onto her plate for her, pushing it towards her after it was full. “I met a guy.”

“Excuse me?” Mia blurted out. “What do you mean you met a guy?”

“His name was Jake,” she continued. The girls nodded along, hanging onto every word that Sutton said while she went through the details of the night she met him, and the night she saw him again. They both had smiles on their faces, giggling at the way Sutton relayed their texts from two nights prior.

Kate couldn’t believe she had been talking to a player on the Bruins. Mia was just happy she was talking to someone other than Garrett.

“He sent me one of those t-shirt jerseys,” she said. “Today.”

“Today?!”

“Yeah, and he left a note that said ‘you’d look better in #74 than your boyfriend’.”

The girls swooned.

“I love him!” Mia announced. Kate nodded in agreement. “You have to call him and say thank you.”

“Call him?”

“Absolutely!”

“I feel guilty,” she admitted. “I should probably let him down easy, right? I have a boyfriend, and he knows that. He shouldn’t have sent me that gift… Let alone on Valentines’ Day!”

As expected, her roommates groaned or eye rolled or reacted in whatever frustrated way they wanted to.

“We’ll clean up after dinner if you call him.”

Jake declined her call, and then FaceTimed her back. She threw the phone onto her bed, far away from her, at the sight of herself and grabbed an elastic from her dresser to tame the frizzy locks on her head.

“What kind of psychopath FaceTimes someone they hardly know?!” Sutton screamed to her roommates. She heard them laughing in the living room. “And without warning!”

“Answer him!” Mia yelled. “I hate the sound of your ringtone!”

Sutton huffed out in frustration and plopped onto her bed, checking once more to see if she looked okay. She pressed her thumb over the front camera and answered.

Jake was grinning when he popped up, but then he frowned comically.

“I FaceTimed you for a reason.”

“And I voice called you for a reason.”

Sutton watched as Jake threw his head back with a laugh and smiled despite herself. He was in a hotel bed, at least that’s what it looked like, and he was laying on his side, propped up on his elbow. He stared at the black screen on his end of the call and sighed.

“Sutton, show yourself.”

She rolled her eyes, but did as she was told and pulled her thumb off the camera. Before he could say anything, she asked, “How did you know where I work?”

“You put the building on your Instagram story yesterday,” he answered. “And the company is in your Instagram bio. I put two and two together.”

“I really appreciate the gift, Jake, but I have a boyfriend.”

Jake blinked at Sutton, unphased by the statement, before finally saying, “I know that.”

“You really shouldn’t be sending me gifts on Valentines’ Day.”

“It’s Valentines’ Day?” he asked. She honestly couldn’t tell if he was serious or he was just joking around. He laughed softly at her confused expression. “Relax, Sutton. I just wanted to get you the jersey before our game tomorrow night.”

“Oh.”

“Oh,” he teased. She rolled her eyes. “Was he mad?”

“He didn’t see it.”

“Why? Did you throw it out? Don’t tell me you threw it out. I mean, it’s not a big deal. I could pay for a new one, but I always hoped if anyone was going to get rid of my jersey they would burn it. It’s so much cooler that way.”

Sutton laughed at him, and Jake beamed at the sound. He hadn’t heard it since the night at the club and it was just as pretty as he remembered.

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“Shouldn’t you be out right now?” he asked. “It’s only 9 p.m. You look like you’re in bed.”

“That’s because I am in bed.”

“Why?”

“Because I have work tomorrow.”

“What did you do tonight?”

“You ask so many questions.”

“I’m trying to get to know you.”

Although they were a whole country apart from each other, him in a hotel room in California and her in bed in Boston, she felt vulnerable. It was because of the way he was looking at her through the screen, the softness of his voice when he was flirting with her, the not-Valentines’ gift and handwritten note that still sat beside her.

“I made dinner for my roommates and I,” she answered. “It was nice.”

“You and Garrett have roommates?”

“Oh, my God,” Sutton grumbled. He was really going to make her spell it out for him wasn’t she. (And, yes, he fully intended to.) “No. I don’t live with him. I live with my two best friends.”

“Did he not spend Valentines’ with you?”

“No, he did,” she said. Her voice dropped to a mumble. “Two nights ago, at TD Garden with you and thousands of other people.”

“Tell me he got you a better gift than a t-shirt with my last name on it,” Jake pleaded, no longer finding the humor in teasing her about him. Sutton grit her teeth in response, not wanting to tell him the truth but knowing she couldn’t lie. “I am your fucking Valentine.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I am by default,” he argued. “And so are your roommates apparently.”

“We celebrated early! Why is that so crazy?”

“Who bought the tickets to the game?” Jake asked. Her silence spoke volumes. “You did, huh?” Sutton nodded. “What kind of asshole doesn’t get his girlfriend a gift on Valentines’ day? What kind of asshole doesn’t even bring her out to dinner?”

“Jake, that’s enough.”

“Did he send you flowers? A card?”

“Jake!” Sutton yelled. He pulled his phone away from his face at the sharpness of her tone. “I don’t want to hear it from you. I already hear it from my roommates. I don’t need to hear it from you. You don’t even know me.”

“Well, I want to.”

There was a pause in conversation, a moment of intense eye contact (if you could even call it that through the phone). Then, Sutton dropped her head back in frustration.

“Why?”

“Because I’ve been thinking about you since I first met you.”

“I have a boyfriend, Jake.”

“Sort of.”

“Stop.”

“Okay.”

Sutton let out a frustrated sigh and Jake watched her run her free hand through her hair while her eyes gazed at something across the room. They looked like they were welling up and Jake frowned, the feeling of helplessness washing over him as he realized he didn’t quite know how to make the situation any better.

“You’re going to wear the shirt tomorrow, though, right?” he asked, forcing a grin onto his face. She looked at him and laughed. “Because if you tell me you’re wearing a Pasta jersey again, it will break my heart.”

“Yes, I’ll wear your jersey.”

They spent another thirty minutes on the phone talking about nothing important. Jake was happy to be talking to her for real, not through Snapchats that he had to disguise as snaps he sent to everyone on his contact list. As their time together ended, it was clear neither of them was quite ready to hang up.

“I’ll admit,” she started. Jake’s eyebrows perked up. “I like talking to you, Jake DeBrusk.”

“I knew I’d wear you down at some point.”

“But I have a boyfriend.”

“What did I say at the bar?” he asked. She narrowed her eyes at him, unsure of what he was referring to. The only thing that came to mind from that night was the feeling of his lips against her skin. It was hard to remember everything else. He made her head fuzzy. “We can just be friends.”

---

March 1st, 2019

Sutton’s relationship with Garrett and her friendship with Jake were never supposed to come closer to intersecting than it had on February 12th and there were a few reasons for that.

The first was that Sutton didn’t want to taint the friendship she had with Jake by throwing Garrett into the equation. It just felt too close for comfort. Besides, she knew the two wouldn’t get along. Jake was giggly, happy, full of life. Garrett was serious, grumpy, exhausting. Just because she liked being around them separately did not mean she’d like them together.

The second was that she knew if Garrett found out about their friendship, he would be pissed. There was a reason she shied away from having guy friends. Garrett hated sharing her with other guys, and that included her work husband who was a gay man in his 40s. He was slightly possessive, but she brushed it off as his own insecurities and vowed not to make the relationship more difficult than it needed to be. Just like everything else in life, Sutton catered the relationship to him.

Kate and Mia found humor in the way that Sutton’s life had suddenly become a revolving door. Garrett was there one minute and the second he was gone Jake was showing up at their front door. They started referring to the two parts of Sutton’s life as church and state. Always separate.

She found it easy to keep it that way. Her friendship with Jake was almost completely virtual, save for a happy hour or two. He was busy with hockey, so she didn’t have to worry about him asking her to hang out on the weekends or ever at night. She reserved those for Garrett.

Besides, something about being with another guy after sunset just felt a little scandalous to her and she didn’t need anyone—Jake, Kate and Mia, Garrett, herself—getting the wrong idea.

Nights with Garrett were few and far between. He seemed to be getting busier and busier at work, but Sutton played the part of the doting girlfriend (which really she was) even better. She made him dinner before he went in for night shifts, waited for him to come home from working overtime to give him a massage, made him breakfast before he went out to work again.

Things seemed to be getting better between them, despite his busy schedule. So much so that he met her at work that Friday to bring her to happy hour. He said he wanted to check out a new place downtown, and she went happily because it finally felt right.

Apparently, the opening of this bar was highly anticipated because the place was packed. Unlike Valentines’ Day, Garrett called ahead. Sutton kept the sarcastic comments swirling through her mind to herself and settled into the booth across from him with a sweet smile.

They browsed the menu; Sutton a little longer than Garrett due to her indecisiveness. He gazed around the bar, taking in the atmosphere and then the sight of not one, not two, but a whole group of Boston Bruins.

“Sutton, you’ll never guess who just walked in,” he said in an excited whisper. Sutton gazed up at him from the menu with a smile, then followed his eyes to the door. “Do you know who that is?”

Among a group of men in athletic clothing stood Jake in a Bruins sweatshirt. She spun back to face Garrett and shook her head to give him the illusion that she had no idea who they were even though her heart was about to jump out of her chest.

“Those are some of the Bruins players,” he murmured. “I gotta get a picture with them.”

“Well, why don’t you just let them get drinks and then you can ask for a picture before we leave,” she suggested. The shake of her voice was enough to give her away, if Garrett would only listen.

“That’s Jake DeBrusk,” he continued, eyes still trained on the men across the room. “And Charlie McAvoy.”

“Stop staring, babe,” she said. She took his chin between her fingers and redirected his attention to her. “It’s rude to stare.”

“Well, I’m sorry,” he grumbled, leaning back against his seat. “It’s like if one of those podcasters you liked walked in. I’m star struck.”

Sutton’s heart was pounding in her chest long after Garrett stopped staring at the players that had entered the bar. She knew Jake wouldn’t notice her with her back to him, and since he’d never met Garrett it was impossible that he’d even recognize him. But with Garrett jumping for joy at the opportunity to meet them, she knew she couldn’t avoid him completely.

She spent the entire time trying to figure out how this was going to go down, and even when it came down to it she couldn’t be sure she was making the right decision.

She gathered her things, including her nerves, as Garrett approached Jake. He’d been on the way to the bar when Garrett reached him and the two exchanged polite conversation, smile plastered across Jake’s face as usual.

“Sutton, baby, would you come take a picture for us?”

His smile dropped the moment Sutton locked eyes with him.

“Sure!” she said cheerily, diverting her eyes from his stare. She flitted over to take Garrett’s hand in hers. Jake watched, stomach turning. He was frozen in place. She wasn’t even going to say hello? She wouldn’t meet his eyes or even give him a playful look, a wink even, to acknowledge him behind Garrett’s back.

Jake clenched his jaw and led them back to the table, teeth grinding against each other like they never have before.

“Boys, real quick picture, okay?”

Everything moved so fast. Garrett jumped in with them, Sutton snapped the picture, then stepped away as Garrett praised them on the season they’d been having. She ignored the way Jake was staring at her, tapping away at her phone instead of engaging with him. Like, what else was she supposed to do?

“What’s your name?” Charlie called out. Sutton looked up at him, anxious as all hell that the cat was going to be out of the bag in approximately five seconds. Thankfully, Garrett was talking to one of the other guys they were with and she caught her breath. “You look familiar.”

“Familiar?” she asked with a laugh. Jake watched her carefully. “I don’t think we’ve met before.”

Charlie looked skeptical and then, as he turned to ask Jake if he thought you look familiar too, it clicked.

“Holy shit,” he murmured. And then, as he looked back and forth between the two of them, he also realized the tension. “Holy shit.”

Jake shook his head at Charlie before turning to sit in his chair. Sutton stared at his back, hating every choice she’d made in the minutes before.

“Well, listen, I’ll let you guys get back to it,” Garrett finally said. Sutton redirected her attention to him, hand curling around his forearm as he reached out to her. “Good luck the rest of the way.”

He received words of thanks from the men as they turned back to their food and drinks, and then he was guiding her out of the entrance of the restaurant. Sutton stole one last glance at Jake on the way out and knew that she fucked up.

For the rest of the meal, Jake was quieter than usual because his head was reeling. He was stupid to ever get attached to her. All the time they’d spent talking made him forget that she already had someone at home. Seeing him with her, holding her hand, snapped Jake back to reality. He needed to give himself space.

That’s why when Sutton texted him that night to apologize. (I’m sorry about today! I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do. But thanks for taking a picture with him.)

He left her on read.

---

March 4th, 2019

Nights were meant for Garrett, but Sutton gave herself one pass.

Jake hadn’t answered her texts or Snapchats since happy hour. She knew the way she acted was shitty, but did he expect her to just tell Garrett about him? It seemed like mess of situation that she didn’t want to get into. Three days later, and after numerous attempts to get in contact with him, she had to go full-on stalker mode.

Jake was at practice late that afternoon, so she planned to grab his favorite meal from a local Thai restaurant and drop it at his apartment when he was home later that night. She followed through, feeling confident in herself as she marched towards his apartment with her head held high.

That feeling dissipated almost as soon as the elevator left the ground floor, but she kept it pushing despite the anxiety. At his door, she knocked once, and waited. No response came. She knocked two more times with the same result and decided to give up.

Maybe it was a sign from the universe that she wasn’t supposed to try to fix this. She took this thought in stride, turning to walk away from his door and find shelter in her apartment across the city. And then the elevator opened and Jake stepped out.

They both stopped in their tracks.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to drop this off,” she answered, extending the Styrofoam take-out box to him. He walked toward her with his duffel bag over his shoulder looking tired and sweaty. He took the box from her hand as he passed by her to unlock his door.

He was momentarily stunned into silence. She had texted him and called him a few times since happy hour, but he figured she’d just stop trying eventually. The thought of never seeing her again stung, but he gave himself a lengthy pep talk the day after the Garrett fiasco and then he re-downloaded all his dating apps.

“I’m going to go.”

“Hold up,” he murmured, kicking the door open. “Come inside for a minute.” Her feet remained planted to the carpeted hallway beneath her feet. She glanced at the elevator, then back at him. “Or don’t.”

Jake pushed the door open enough to slip through it with an annoyed huff of air, and then it slammed shut behind him.

She continued down the hall despite the invitation she desperately wanted to take. She reached the elevator and pressed the button to call it up to his floor. The whir of the car started immediately. The doors opened just a minute later, but Sutton was already on the way back to Jake’s front door.

She only knocked once before he was swinging the door open and stepping aside to welcome her in.

Jake walked straight into the kitchen where the microwave was already heating up the Thai food she’d brought for him. While she sat at the counter, Jake leaned up against the opposite side and asked, “What did you buy me Thai for?”

“It’s an apology.”

“The Thai food is an apology?”

“Yes.”

“For what?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He narrowed his eyes at her, as if he had no idea what he was talking about. He knew damn well what it was for. He just wanted her to say it herself.

“For happy hour the other day.”

Jake hummed, seemingly satisfied by her answer, and grabbed the food from the beeping microwave before slipping out of the kitchen to the living room. Sutton stood there a moment longer, ignoring her overwhelming urge to find a pillow and scream right into it.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Her question was followed by a moment of silence until he reappeared in the doorway. He gave her an amused look before he stepped over to the utensil drawer to grab two forks.

“Sutton, when have I ever wanted you to leave me alone?” He paused. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“No.”

“Great.” He turned and continued out of the room. “Come eat.”

Jake sat on the floor on one side of his coffee table, and Sutton sat across from him. He turned the television on to some rerun of Friends and watched absentmindedly while they ate, his quiet chuckles the only thing filling the air around them.

Sutton watched him, mostly because he wasn’t looking at her, and felt relief wash over her. The tension in her shoulders over almost everything going on in her life was momentarily cured just because she was near him. She knew the Thai food was only a momentary solution and that a more serious conversation would follow later, but she didn’t care. This moment was something she’d been wanting since she saw him on Friday.

After eating, Jake showered and left Sutton in the living room to pick a movie for them to watch. When he returned, she was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from where he had been. He settled down onto the cushion without a word, eyes grazing over the description of the movie she’d picked out.

“Feels weird to have you all the way over there,” he said softly.

She stood and readjusted herself on the cushion beside him. Her legs folded beneath her as she pulled her sweatshirt sleeves over her hands. He noticed the way she was curling into herself and sighed in defeat, dropping his head against the back of the couch.

“Are you cold?” he asked. Sutton glanced over at him. “Or do you just feel that weird around me now?” She frowned. He looked away from her, muttering, “If I had known that you were going to be there with him, I would’ve gone somewhere else.”

“This is so fucked up,” she groaned into her hands. “That’s so unfair to you, Jake.”

“What do you mean?”

“You would have gone somewhere else? So that I could keep my friendship with you private from my relationship? Who does that?” she rambled. “Christ. Why do you deal with this? I’m such a shitty friend.”

“You’re not shitty, Sutt.”

“Yes! I am!” she exclaimed. “I should’ve just told Garrett that we met, but I didn’t because I knew he’d be pissy and I didn’t want to deal with it. Now, look! I’ve just made the situation worse because I hurt you and dug myself into a hole even deeper than it already was.”

“Why would you even think he’d be mad?”

“There’s a reason I’m only friends with girls, Jake.”

He stared at her long and hard after that admission feeling an anger boil in his stomach that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. Finally, he asked, “Does he not let you have friends who are guys?”

Sutton’s answered with a look.

“He—he doesn’t hit you, does he?”

“No!” she exclaimed. “No. Never. I wouldn’t be with him if he was, like, abusive.” She almost couldn’t get the words out because she realized how ridiculous she sounded. She couldn’t even believe herself.

Jake huffed, his eyes rolling in frustration, as he said, “Okay, so he’s not physically abusive.”

“Jake.”

“No, I know,” he murmured. “You don’t want to talk about it. You never want to talk about it.”

He turned his attention back to the TV screen, jaw clenched so he could hold back all the words he wanted to say. He kept it to himself, knowing that if he spoke he’d be speaking out of anger and it would just make the situation worse.

So, he waited until he was composed. He waited until he was levelheaded. And level headed Jake cared more about keeping his friendship with Sutton intact than telling her that her boyfriend was a piece of shit.

“I hate being mad at you so much,” he said with a sigh. She pouted at him. “You’re like my best friend.”

“You’re mine, too,” she whispered. Jake stretched and pulled her into him for a hug. She relaxed in his arms, sighing softly into the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I just wish you wouldn’t let him control your life the way you do.”

Sutton pulled away and sighed.

“Things are good between us right now,” she said. “I know you don’t really understand it. Kate and Mia don’t either, I know that. It’s just that Garrett has been good to me. I’m happy.”

“Okay.”

“And I know that our friendship started out a little flirtatiously,” she continued. “But I can’t let you get the wrong idea, Jake. I’m happy with Garrett and I don’t want to lose you because of it. We’re—”

“We’re just friends,” Jake jumped in. “That’s what we have been since you yelled at me for buying you a Valentines’ gift.”

“I just wanted to make sure that the lines weren’t blurred.”

“Not blurred,” he insisted. “You’re my friend, Sutt. That’s all.”

---

March 17th, 2019

Jake was on his way to Sutton’s apartment because Garrett did something fucked up. He was beginning to forget how to treat Sutton again and Jake found himself picking up the pieces more than once. It wasn’t his job. He knew that, and yet he was still showing up to check on her.

Boston was in full-on party mode for St. Patrick’s Day and though Jake had been invited to a teammate’s house that night, he was on his way to Sutton’s apartment with ice cream. She answered the door, eyes rolling when she saw Jake on the other side. She told the girls not to tell him what Garrett had done that day… Clearly, they didn’t listen.

“Why are you here?”

“That was not a nice hello,” he noted as he pushed past her. He stepped into the kitchen and grabbed two spoons before entering the living room with Sutton hot on his heels. “What are you doing?”

“I was watching Project Runway,” she told him. She grabbed the remote and paused the television. He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Is Project Runway your emotional support show?”

“Who says I need emotional support?”

“Your roommates.”

“God, they’re so nosy,” she muttered. “I told them not to call you.”

“I would’ve figured it out even if they didn’t,” he said. He sat down on the couch and opened the pint of ice cream he’d brought with him. “I knew something was wrong just from the way you were texting me.”

“How?”

“Just your general lack of interest in the conversation.”

“Sorry.”

“All good,” he said, waving her off. He lifted the pint up toward her. “That’s why I came with your favorite flavor!”

Sutton fell to the couch beside him and grabbed a spoon, heart fluttering at his thoughtfulness. He pulled her legs over his lap and gazed over at her as she started digging into the Ben & Jerry’s in her hand.

“So, what happened?”

“Today’s our anniversary,” she explained. She handed him the pint after placing the spoon in her mouth, eyes fluttering shut as the flavor exploded in her mouth. Jake huffed, scooping out a spoonful for himself.

“Why isn’t he celebrating with you?”

“He had a St. Patrick’s party at his office,” she answered. “He’s up for a huge promotion at work, again, so he’s sucking up.”

“He couldn’t bring a plus-one?”

“I didn’t ask.”

Sutton might’ve asked Garrett at the beginning of their relationship, but she would never ask him to demand a plus-one now. And there was a very good reason for this. She was sure that if he’d dragged her along, she would find out something that she didn’t want to know. Something along the lines of him cheating on her.

All the signs were there, but she didn’t want to believe it. Or confront him about it.

And she certainly didn’t want to tell Jake.

“That’s so unfair to you,” he grumbled, passing the ice cream back to her. “You should say something to him. I thought things were going well for a little bit.”

“Yeah, well,” she said dismissively. “This is how things are between us.”

“Isn’t it exhausting, Sutton?”

“A little bit.”

“You deserve better than exhausting.”

When Kate and Mia got home later that night, they found the two of them wrapped up in each other and a message on the television asking if they were still watching their show. The sound of the door slamming shut startled the two awake and, under the watchful eyes of her roommates, Sutton scrambled off him.

“Hi, sleepy heads.”

“What time is it?” Jake grumbled, reaching out for his phone. He read the time, dropping his head against the pillow in frustration. Sutton left the room in search of sweatshirt and Jake found himself cornered by the other two girls. “I have to go.”

He stood, running his hands through his hair to contain the locks that were sticking up from the pillow. The roommates watched him with amused smiles.

“That was sweet,” Kate said. Mia nodded in agreement, but he just rolled his eyes.

“Friends,” he said. A sigh of disappointment fell from Kate’s lips. “That’s what she wants. That’s what I’m giving her. Don’t complicate it.”

“You two are so full of shit,” Mia grumbled as she marched out of the living room.

When Sutton returned, she looked ready for bed. Her hair was pulled up into a bun and her sweatshirt hung loose over her much smaller body. Kate was in the kitchen, out of sight, so Sutton’s guard fell for a moment. She walked over to Jake and wrapped her arms around his waist to cuddle against his chest again.

“Talk to Garrett, would you?”

She looked up at him, almost pleading him to drop the subject, but caught the look in his eye and knew he was serious.

“Okay, I will.”

“I just want you to be happy,” he said. “And he makes you happy, right?”

---

March 26th, 2019

Charlie was disappointed in Jake. There he stood, in Charlie’s kitchen, with his hip cocked against the counter and his phone in his hand. It had been two months since he met this girl and he was still pining after her, even though she had a boyfriend. It was pathetic.

“Sutton?”

Jake hummed at him in response. Charlie rolled his eyes and ripped the phone from his hands like a middle school bully. He glanced down at the screen, eyes catching her name and a horrible grey text to blue text ratio.

“Dude, are you triple texting a girl with a boyfriend?”

He shoved the phone back to Jake who then placed it in his back pocket with a scowl.

“I’m worried about you.”

“We’re friends.”

“You got friendzoned by a girl you tried to hit on at a club,” Charlie pointed out. “Where did you go wrong?”

“I talked to her.”

“Is she coming tonight?” he asked, deciding to use mercy rules on his love-struck friend.

“Yep,” Jake answered, avoiding eye contact with Charlie. It didn’t go unnoticed by McAvoy and he was waiting for Jake to drop whatever bomb was coming. “I think she might be bringing her boyfriend.”

“What?”

“It’s my fault,” Jake said. “I told her she could bring him if she wanted to.”

“Why would you do that?”

“She wanted to be here to celebrate us clinching a playoff spot. And I really wanted to see her, but she also had dinner plans with him. So, I told her to bring him with her after dinner.”

“I don’t want that prick in my apartment.”

Although Charlie thought Jake’s crush was ridiculous, he started to become a little protective of her over the last two months. He was always hearing all the crazy stories about her boyfriend and how shitty he was to her. It made Charlie itch.

He’d been around Sutton a few times since he saw her at happy hour, mostly at Jake’s apartment and in passing. She spent some time there on the weekdays, when Charlie assumed Garrett was at work. She was always making sweets for Jake (he claimed it was because she was stressed, though Charlie thought it was something more than that). When she noticed that Charlie would steal half of them each time, she started leaving him a bag of goodies too.

Other than those few occurrences, Jake was mostly talking his ear off about the times they could grab lunch or drinks. And, though he was still completely head-over-heels for her, the relationship between the two of them seemed to shift to a more platonic type. Forget the constant flirting and you just had two best friends.

“I don’t want him here either,” Jake grumbled. “But I want her, so we’ll just have to deal.”

Truth be told, Jake had gotten better at just being her friend. She stopped telling him all the shitty stuff that Garrett did to her. Instead, they talked about work and the things they would do when they finally got time off. Even Kate and Mia stopped telling him when Sutton and Garrett fought.

It was a step in the right direction, but he still knew things weren’t going right. He could tell by the way she filled his counter with baked goods and picked out the sappy rom coms on movie nights. Both were becoming a daily occurrence, but Jake kept his mouth shut.

He kept checking his phone for a sign of life from Sutton. Dinner with Garrett was at 6:30 p.m. 10:30 p.m. came around and his phone was still dry.

He hated himself for being so hung up on it because she was out with her boyfriend! Maybe they were having a great time, maybe for once in their relationship Garrett was doing the right thing and she was happy, maybe they’d gone back to his place… Jake shook off the traitorous thought.

He spent the night bouncing from group to group until Charlie pulled him into a conversation with some of his girlfriend’s friends. It was obvious, from the look in Charlie’s eyes, that this was a set up in progress. And, for the first time in a long time, Jake let it happen.

He talked to the girl in front of him, a small brunette with big brown eyes, for what seemed like hours. And not in a good way. He wondered if maybe she was being so boring to get him to kiss her, but it wasn’t working. He didn’t want to kiss her because he didn’t want to kiss anyone but Sutton.

Jake sighed, lifting his hand to the girls forearm to say, “It was really nice to meet you, but I’m gonna run to the bathroom.”

She looked at him like he punched her in the gut.

When he got to the bathroom, he peed and then stared at himself in the mirror for a little bit too long. He wasn’t even drunk. He just needed to have a moment with himself. Finally, when he felt centered, he leaned over the sink and splashed some cold water on his face before slipping out to the hallway once more.

“Jake!”

The sound of Sutton’s voice echoed off the walls of the hallway and set him off kilter once again. She bounded forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, effectively turning him to putty in her hands.

“Hi,” she greeted. She hung on him a little more than she usually did. Jake gazed down at her, thinking she looked a little bit like an angel with her hair pinned back like that.

His lips turned up into a small smile as he pressed a kiss against her forehead and murmured, “Hey.”

Mia turned down the hallway at that moment and let out a large exhale.

“Oh, good,” she huffed out. “She found you.”

Kate bumped into Mia from behind, apparently also in search of the sweet girl in his arms.

“She found him!”

“I found him!” Sutton exclaimed, clapping her hands over Jake’s cheeks as she looked up at him.

“You found me,” he responded with a soft laugh. He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, then glanced up at her roommates over her shoulder with a concerned look.

Kate came forward, wrapping her arms around Sutton’s waist to pull her from Jake.

“Come to the bathroom with me?”

“Sure, lovebug!” Sutton exclaimed. She turned back to look at Jake and planted a kiss right on his lips so quickly that he didn’t even get a chance to close his eyes, pucker his lips, or savor the moment. With a shocked gasp, Kate pulled Sutton away to the bathroom down the hall.

Jake’s eyes widened when he looked back at Mia.

“What the fuck is happening?” he asked, reaching up to brush his fingers along the tingling on his lip.

“She thinks Garrett is cheating on her.”

“Weren’t they supposed to be at dinner tonight?”

“He didn’t show, so she checked his location,” Mia explained. “He’s at a coworker’s house. Apparently, it’s been happening for a while and she didn’t care to tell us until tonight.”

Jake couldn’t decide what he was feeling. He was simultaneously pissed off at Garrett for being a dickhead, and Sutton for kissing him in that moment, and himself for feeling butterflies.

“She ended up eating dinner at the bar of the restaurant by herself and came back to our place bombed,” Mia continued. “We tried to get her in bed, but she insisted on seeing you. So, here we are.”

“She can’t stay.”

“We know that,” she said. “But she won’t leave with just us.”

The two of them exchanged a knowing look before the door down the hall swung open and Sutton stepped out, pulling Kate along with her. Jake stuffed down his frustration towards her and walked over with a smile to pick her up in a hug. She giggled and pressed her forehead against his.

“Let’s go home, yeah?”

“I just got here!”

“Yeah, but I’d much rather be at your place right now.”

Sutton pouted. Jake pouted back. And then she was smiling again.

Charlie stopped Jake before he slipped out the door behind the girls. His fingers curled into his teammate’s bicep way harder than necessary. Jake winced beneath his grasp.

“You need to sort this Sutton situation out,” he spoke. “I saw her plant one on you.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with her.”

“You are going to let this girl rip your heart out if you don’t set some boundaries,” Charlie barked. “I know you love her and I know deep down she’s not a shitty person, but I think she needs to figure her shit out on her own. You need to stop trying to fix everything for her.”

The ride back to Sutton’s apartment was silent. Charlie’s words echoed in his head as he slipped into the back of the car with Sutton right behind. She kicked her legs up over his lap and snuggled into his chest. Knowing nothing would get solved with her this drunk, he sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders to pull her into him.

He couldn’t believe she just kissed him like that, especially because she thought Garrett might’ve been doing the same thing across the city. It felt like he was a pawn in her little game, and he hated that because Sutton was better than that. At least he thought so.

Soft snores fell from her lips moments after they pulled away from the apartment building. Without thinking, he began to massage the top of her head. Kate watched with a fond smile on her face.

Jake carried her up to the apartment, stirring her from sleep only as he placed her on her bed.

“Jake,” she murmured. He knelt beside her and started to unclasp the heels she was wearing.

“Sutton.”

“Thank you.”

He hummed, picking up the shoes to place them by her closet door.

“Come to the bathroom,” he urged, extending his hand to her. “We’ll get that make up off. You can brush your teeth.” He turned away from her once she was standing and smirked. “Maybe even throw up if you feel so inclined.”

Sutton hit him lightly on the back, a giggle falling from his lips at the teasing.

Jake rummaged through the cabinets in search of her make up wipes while she sat atop the counter and brushed her teeth. After rinsing, she watched him with tired eyes as he moved to stand between her legs.

He cupped the back of her neck to hold her head steady while he removed her makeup and tried not to think about the way that she was looking at him, or how she melted into his touch the moment he held her. Her eyes fluttered shut for him to get off her eye makeup. When they opened again, their eyes met in a steady, loving gaze.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Sutton,” he murmured. He stepped back and opened the bathroom door once more to usher her out. She did as she was told and retreated to her room to crawl into bed. He returned a few minutes later with a bottle of water and pain killers. He placed them on her bedside table.

“Are you mad at me?” she asked. Jake sat down beside her and she reached up to cup his cheek in her hand. He leaned against her palm as her thumb stroked his cheekbone.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” he responded. Her eyes began to well up. “You’re working yourself up. Don’t do that. We’ll be fine, okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

She brushed the tears away with the back of her hand and sniffled. Jake placed a kiss against her forehead before turning to leave. He stopped at the door and looked back at her as she settled beneath the comforter and snuggled the pillow beneath her head.

“Call me when you get up.”

Sutton didn’t call by 10 a.m. the next morning, so Jake swung by to check on her. Mia let him in and informed him that she still wasn’t awake. He walked down the hall anyway, stopping just beyond the threshold of her door before pushing it open to find her sprawled out with her face mushed into the pillow. He took a few silent steps towards her bed and sat at the edge of it before lightly shaking her awake.

She woke with a start, the touch of Jake’s hand against her ankle shocking her enough to sit up right.

“Ouch,” she grumbled, squinting her eyes at the light filtering in from the window as she brought a hand to her head to stop the throbbing. Jake sprung up to shut the blinds. “Thank you.”

“I thought you’d be awake already,” he said, standing in front of the remaining rays of light coming through the window. “Get up. Let’s get breakfast.”

Jake was beyond anxious as they walked to her local diner. He wondered if she could tell that he was off or if she even remembered what happened. The way that she was talking, so nonchalant and unbothered, gave him the impression that she had no clue what damage she’d done last night.

“I honestly don’t remember getting to Charlie’s last night,” she admitted as they sat in a booth beside the window. “I remember seeing you in bits and pieces.”

“Really? Do you remember that I put you to bed?”

“Oh, Jake.” She dropped her head into her palms as she shook her head in disappointment at herself. He tried to hide the frown on his lips by turning his attention to the coffee in front of him. He ripped open a sugar packet and dumped it into the mug as Sutton grumbled about how sorry she was.

She continued talking, but Jake was finding it hard to listen. How could she act like nothing was wrong when it felt like the weight of his whole world was crushing him?

“When are you gonna tell me about your dinner with Garrett?” he blurted out as he finally met her eyes again. Her mouth snapped shut and realization set in that he wasn’t the happy-go-lucky Jake she thought she was grabbing breakfast with. He was not happy.

“He didn’t show up. He had something work related to take care of.”

“At his coworker’s house?”

“How do—”

“Mia filled me in when you showed up at Charlie’s,” he answered. “You were already plastered when you got to the party.” He paused. “Why didn��t you call me when he didn’t show?”

“Because it’s not your job to pick up the pieces every time he fucks up.”

“Then who will? Yourself? Because you did a pretty shitty job of it last night,” he spat. Sutton sat back against the vinyl seat behind her, shocked at his outburst. He paused, inhaling deeply before dropping the bomb. “You kissed me. Do you remember that, Sutton?”

Her jaw dropped and a hand came up to clasp over her mouth in shock as she mumbled out an apology that Jake didn’t want to hear.

“I like you, Sutton. I like being around you and talking to you. But, you drew a line months ago… A line that I’ve stopped trying to cross. And then you just kissed me, like there’d be no consequences.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“But you did. And this morning you still woke up as his girlfriend, and you will tomorrow morning too. So, all I’m asking is that you figure your shit out with him and you don’t drag me into it. You can’t just kiss me because you think he also might be kissing someone else. That’s not fair. You wanted friends, so I gave you friends.”

As if by some divine intervention, their meals came at that moment and the conversation was dropped immediately. When they reached the front door of Sutton’s apartment, Jake didn’t try to come in like he usually did on hungover Sunday mornings. Instead, he stopped at the door.

“Sutton, I’m saying this to you as your friend and nothing more,” he started. “I can’t be around you until you figure your shit out. I’m tired of being your second choice. You have to figure out your worth and I can’t hold your hand until you get there. It’s driving me crazy.”

She stared up at him, eyes welling up with tears, and realized that the best thing in her life was about to walk away. A rogue tear slipped down her cheek, but she wiped it away quickly hoping that he wouldn’t notice. He did, though, he always did.

He pulled her into his arms, engulfing her in an embrace despite the conversation at hand. She stayed still for a moment, rigid even, until she heard Jake let out a shuddering breath into the crook of her neck. Only then did she reciprocate the hug, arms wrapping around his neck like he was her anchor.

---

May 17th, 2019

Sutton didn’t know what she expected to see when she walked into the club, but it definitely wasn’t Jake dancing on a table in the VIP section. She watched as Charlie grabbed his arm and pulled him back down to solid ground, unable to peel her eyes off the boy who’d become a stranger.

“Did you see him?” she asked Mia.

“I don’t think there’s a single person at this club that didn’t.”

When they reached a table, she glanced back in his direction, but the crowd had grown so thick that she couldn’t find him. Kate, who’d already made a beeline for the bar, found them moments later with drinks in hand. She handed one to each of the girls. She took one glance at Sutton and asked, “What’s the face for?”

“In true Sutton Beckett fashion, Jake was the first thing she saw when we walked in here.”

“Jake’s here?”

“Why do you think we’re here, Kate?” Mia asked. Sutton looked at her with a slight panic to her expression. Mia raised her eyebrows at her with a smirk. “Yeah, I know all your tricks.”

“He posted it on his Instagram story, okay?”

Kate dropped her face into her palms, grumbling, “Why won’t you just call him like a normal person?”

“I’m planning to,” she said defensively. Mia hummed in disagreement. “What? I will! Eventually. Like at the end of the season probably.” The girls groaned at that answer. “I don’t even know if he wants to talk to me. He said he didn’t wanna be around until I figured my shit out.”

“Yeah, and you broke up with Garrett two months ago!” Kate exclaimed while Mia grunted, “You like sabotaging yourself, don’t you?”

“You both suck.”

After Jake left that morning, Sutton felt like she cried forever. The door shut behind him and she sank down to the floor and sobbed. Mia and Kate came to her rescue immediately. They listened to her when she wanted to talk about it and, finally, helped her cleanse the apartment of all traces of Garrett. Mia even went as far as purchasing sage to burn. They packed his things into a box and placed it on the floor beside the door with plans to drop it off to him the next day.

When Sutton called him to end it and let him know she was dropping his shit off, he didn’t pick up. It continued for another two days before Kate and Mia were tugging her out to the streets in pursuit of his office building. She ultimately found him flirting with the receptionist in his office and dropped the box to the floor. She kicked it over to him, sending the contents flying.

“Go fuck yourself, Garrett.”

“I never liked you,” Mia echoed. Sutton marched toward the exit, ignoring the protests coming from her scumbag ex’s mouth. She grabbed the girls’ arms and dragged them out with her. “Fuck you, Garrett!”

Sutton didn’t cry over Garrett, but she did cry over Jake. She would be crazy not to.

As she drained her first drink of the night, Sutton couldn’t help but search the bar for Jake and his teammates. She didn’t want to be surprised by him because, truthfully, she wasn’t sure she was ready to see him.

“I honestly don’t know why we even came here,” she muttered, chewing on one of the ice cubes from her cup. “We should leave.”

“We’re not leaving,” Mia barked. “We came here for a reason, whether you think so or not, and you’re going to get what you came for.”

Sutton glared at her, Mia glared back, and Kate watched in amusement until Sutton finally gave in. She grabbed her drink and knocked it back in one swift movement before standing.

“I’m going to get another.”

The girls cheered as she stepped away from them and began to nudge her way through the crowd. She found a break in congestion a few steps ahead. But, just as she was about to slip in, a solid body stepped in front of her. She was about to apologize when she glanced up to see Charlie McAvoy.

His eyes blew wide when he saw her. He was convinced that he was seeing things, but he knew there was no way he was drunk enough for that. He reached out, setting a hand tentatively against her forearm and she waited patiently for him to snap back to reality.

“Does Jake know you’re here?” he asked, eyes searching the area around them frantically. She shook her head, slightly embarrassed by his reaction. He looked back at her. “Why haven’t you called?” Before she could answer, he frowned. “You haven’t broken up with that asshole.”

“I did.”

“Then, why haven’t you called him?”

“We didn’t exactly leave off on the best terms,” she said. Charlie rolled his eyes, shoving Sutton lightly towards the bar. She ordered, he ordered, and he scolded her when she tried to pay for her own drink. Then, he tugged her off towards the VIP section.

Jake saw Charlie first and flung himself out of the booth to swipe his new drink from his hands. And then he saw Sutton over his shoulder and his face dropped. Charlie slipped away, leaving the two face-to-face. He squinted at her, like he was trying to process the image in front of him.

“When did you break up with him?”

“A few days after we argued,” she said. He stilled, mind racing as he tried to figure out the timeline.

“Sutton, you’ve been single for two months and you haven’t called?”

“I was scared.”

“Would you have even called me if you hadn’t seen me tonight? Or would I still be wondering?”

“Of course not,” she defended herself. “I was going to tell you at the end of the season.”

He looked uncertain for a moment, but then his features softened and he wrapped his arms around her. He ducked so that his head was in the crook of your neck. She could feel the soft sigh that left his lips against her skin.

“I miss you.”

Sutton relaxed against him, relieved that he didn’t seem angry at her in the moment. They stood there for a moment, ignoring the hooting and hollering from his teammates at the booth. When he pulled away, he gazed down at her adoringly. “You look beautiful.”

“You look happy,” she said. She ran her fingers through his hair, playing into his sweetness despite her better judgement.

“Are you happy?” he asked, face suddenly serious. She nodded, corners of her lips turning up at his question. His eyes searched her face. “I’m proud of you.”

Before either of them could say anything more, Charlie’s girlfriend appeared with a tray of shots and they were swept up into a crowd of his teammates and their plus-ones, all reaching for shots for themselves.

Sutton stepped backwards to make space and ended up stumbling over Jake’s feet, her back bumping into his chest. Instead of stepping away, drunk Jake dropped a hand to her hip to steady her. He was tingly all over, liquor coursing through him, and when he felt her relax into his touch, he allowed himself to wrap his arm around her stomach to hold her instead. She leaned into him happily.

Someone called out a toast and everyone tossed their shots back with a mixture of grunts and exclamations at the taste. The group dispersed after and, though Jake dropped his arm from around her, he placed his hand in hers moments later to search the bar for Kate and Mia.

The look at their faces when they saw Sutton and Jake hand in hand was comical. They were practically bursting at the seams with excitement and hopped out of the booth to embrace the two in a hug.

“We missed you!” Mia all but yelled in Jake’s face. His drunken giggles got the best of him then, squeezing her a little tighter in response.

Unlike the first time they danced together at a club, Jake wasted no time in grinding up against her. His arms wrapped around her waist and her fingers followed, trailing along his arms until she could curl her fingers between his.

When she turned to face him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His fingers danced along the skin of her back and he smiled when he noticed the goosebumps on her arms. He leaned in just enough to speak lowly into her ear, lips just inches away. “Sleep over tonight.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Jake,” she said. When he pouted, she reached up and thumbed his bottom lip with a smirk. “You’re too drunk for a sleepover, I think, but I’ll get you home like you did for me.”

“Like the night you kissed me?” he asked with a teasing smile. She dropped her forehead to his shoulder to hide the blush that was creeping up her neck to her cheeks. He chuckled softly, tilting his head to kiss her cheek and murmur in her ear, “I’m ready to go when you are.”

During the fifteen-minute cab drive to Jake’s apartment, he just seemed to just get drunker. He was giggly, chatty, and clingy. His fingers danced along Sutton’s calves, which he’d pulled onto his lap the minute they pulled away from the club. She watched him engage their driver in mindless conversation, smiling softly to herself every time he said something stupid and giggled at himself.

When they pulled up to his building, Jake paid and left the guy behind the wheel a fat tip. Then, he was pulling Sutton out of the car and into the lobby. He wrapped his arms around Sutton’s shoulders and pulled her against his chest as they waited for the elevator.

The doors opened with a ding and Sutton slipped to the corner while Jake pressed the button to his floor. He swayed uneasily on his feet as the elevator jolted upwards. She reached out to steady him, just a soft touch of her hand against his bicep. He turned with a smile.

“Sutton, Sutton, Sutton.”

“What?”

He stepped forward, boxing her into the corner of the elevator. She gazed up at him, finding it hard to breathe as he got closer. He rested his hands against the rail on either side of him and smiled.

“I want to kiss you so bad right now,” he whispered. She leaned away from him slightly, a frown developing as she did so. And though she was hesitant, her heart was hammering in her chest, begging her to attach her lips to his.

“You’re drunk.”

“Sure, but what does that matter?”

“We can’t just do this whenever one of us can’t handle our liquor,” she murmured. His face dropped. “It makes it difficult to tell if we mean it.”

“Trust me, I mean it,” he told her. “I want to kiss you when we’re sober as fuck eating leftovers on your kitchen floor; I want to kiss you when I’m hammered and can barely keep my hands off you.”

The elevator doors opened and Sutton, desperate to move on from this conversation, pushed him out of the car and down the hall.

The moment they entered the apartment, he went to his room to change and returned with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for her. He watched her happily from his perch on the counter as she walked about the kitchen in his clothes. All he could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss her, touch her.

“Drink this,” she said, handing a glass of water over to him. She leaned up against the counter across form him. “You’re going to be so hungover tomorrow.”

“That’s why you should stay over,” he said. “You can nurse me back to health tomorrow morning.”

“Not gonna happen, DeBrusk.”

“Was worth a try,” he slurred. Sutton laughed at the rise and fall of his shoulders as he shrugged before chugging the water from his cup. After dropping the cup in the sink, he turned back and shook his head at her in amusement.

“What?”

“I’ve just missed you,” he told her. He took a few steps toward her before dropping his hands to counter on either side of her and leaned in. He was intoxicating. The smile on his face made her weak in the knees, but she couldn’t just act like there hadn’t been a fight and two months of silence between them.

“I’ve missed you, too,” she said. “We should really talk when you’re sober.”

“Let’s just talk now.”

“I’m not going to count this as a conversation.”

“Why not?”

“Because what if you don’t remember?”

Jake’s eyes studied her face and he realized the seriousness of her question. He leaned away then and sighed out, “Okay.”

“Let’s get you to bed, drunkie,” she murmured. She slipped past him, fingers catching on his wrist to tug him along. They stopped in the bathroom so he could brush his teeth and he wouldn’t stop glancing at her the entire way through the rest of his nightly routine as if he was worried she might disappear into thin air.

When they got back into his room, he picked her up and dropped her onto his bed.

“Jake!”

“Just stay for a little bit longer,” he whined. She rolled her eyes, laughter falling easily from her lips as he rolled off her to change into pajamas. He boldly dropped his pants and glanced over his shoulder just to see if she was looking, chuckling to himself when he saw her with her hands over her eyes.

He dropped onto the bed and hovered over her, grin on his face.

“I need to tell you something,” he said, slur in his voice still evident. She raised her eyebrows and pressed her hands against his chest to create some distance between them. “I want to be your boyfriend.”

“Jake,” she whispered. “You’re hammered!”

“Yeah, and I still want to be your boyfriend when I’m sober.”

“I told you I didn’t want to have this conversation right now,” she groaned. He dropped to the side of her and propped himself up on his elbow. “If you really mean it, I need you to tell me when you’re not drunk.”

“I will,” he said. “I promise.”

---

June 12th, 2019

They didn’t talk to anytime soon, and Sutton kept trying to convince herself that it was because he was in the Stanley Cup finals so he was busy, not because he regretted everything he said when he was drunk. But, as time went on, she felt more and more defeated. She waited patiently, though, hoping that she’d get some sort of closure at the end of the season.

She watched the entire series against the St. Louis Blues at the edge of her seat. Game seven had ripped her heart out, like many others in the city, but her first thought went to Jake. She almost felt sick to her stomach thinking about it.

Vice versa, the first person Jake thought about when he left the ice was Sutton. He thought about her through each post-game interview and his post-game routine, and as soon as he was in the parking garage he was texting her.

Did you watch?

He dropped his forehead against the wheel and waited for a response. He wasn’t even positive there’d be one after the shit he pulled at the bar and the silence that followed.

There’s a key under my welcome mat

He started the car immediately and drove in complete silence to Sutton’s apartment. He rushed upstairs, eager to fall into her bed. When he lifted the welcome mat, he let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the key and opened the door. He placed his bag down and kicked off his shoes before locking up behind him and heading off to her room.

When he opened the door, the light from the hallway filtered in and stirred her awake. She leaned up on her elbow and murmured, “I pulled out a toothbrush for you and there are sweats and a t-shirt you can wear at the end of the bed.”

He smiled softly, grabbing the clothes from the bed and turning to go brush his teeth. When he returned, she was leaning up against the headboard waiting for him.

“Are you okay?” she asked. Jake shuffled up towards the headboard of her bed just enough to drop his head to her stomach. A shuddering breath fell from his parted lips as he shook his head that indicated no, he was not okay. She curled her fingers into his hair and leaned down to place a kiss against the top of his head. His arms wrapped around her and the weight of the world disappeared, if only for a second. “I’m proud of you.”

When Sutton woke up the next morning, Jake was gone and her stomach dropped. She moved slowly out of bed and then, as panic set in, she quickened her steps through the apartment. The sound of the kitchen cabinets opening and closing greeted her. And when she reached the kitchen so did Jake’s tired smile.

“Good morning,” he said. She watched his cheeks turn pink and felt hers do the same. He motioned to the pan on the stove. “I started making breakfast.”

“I see that.”

“Coffee?”

“I’ll make it,” she offered, walking past Jake to the coffee maker on the other end of the counter. She didn’t catch Jake watching, didn’t feel his eyes wander along her body. She almost caught him when she turned to ask how he took his coffee, but he was quick to divert his eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call after the night at the club,” he said suddenly. “Or text.”

Sutton continued for him, feeling the anger she’d built up over the past few weeks begin to boil over. “Or Snapchat. Or really do anything to assure me that things were okay between us.”

Jake frowned, turning his attention back to the eggs on the stovetop. They continued putting breakfast together in silence and reconvened at the kitchen table when the coffee was done and the eggs and toast were plated.

“I mean, you weren’t exactly jumping at the chance to tell me that you weren’t with Garrett anymore,” Jake argued. She sighed, fork clattering to her plate as she leaned back in her seat.

“You told me you didn’t want to talk until I had all my shit together!”

“And do you not?”

“I have no idea!” she exclaimed. “I wanted to call you the moment that I broke up with him. It was my first thought, but then I stopped myself because I thought of how unfair that would be to myself.”

“Why?”

“I haven’t been just Sutton in three years, Jake,” she said. “I’ve been Garrett’s doting girlfriend for three years. Everything I did, I did with him in mind.” She paused. “Then you come along, and suddenly I’m thinking about you, too. For once, I want to just think about myself.”

She continued, “I don’t even know myself. I feel like I’m rediscovering these parts of me that I haven’t thought about in years. I’ve been doing things to make me happy and I’ve been applying to new jobs because I want something more for myself and I finally feel motivated to fight for it. I feel different.”

He felt warm all over, buzzing from the inside out. He didn’t realize how much it would mean to him to hear her say that she was finally fighting for herself. Hearing her explain how she was feeling overwhelmed him with a sense of pride, and in that moment, he couldn’t help but smile at her.

“I guess that’s a good enough reason not to call,” Jake resigned.

“Why haven’t you called?”

“Because I was scared of what I might find out,” he answered. “That you were still with him.” He paused and then shook his head. “And I didn’t call after the club because I couldn’t remember any of the things I said and I was worried that I did something stupid.”

“You don’t remember?” she asked, her fears coming true.

“Not much.”

“Oh,” she whispered. “Okay.”

He was lying. He remembered every moment of that night spent with her. The image of her in his t-shirt swallowing her whole, the look on her face when he told her how he felt, the blush that crept up her neck to her cheeks. How could he forget it?

Mia entered the room then, cutting the conversation off before it could go anywhere else.

“Ooo! You made bacon!” she exclaimed, snatching a strip from the plate at the center of the table. Her eyes cut from Sutton’s face to Jake’s and she smiled at the sight. “Happy to have you back, Jake.”

---

June 15th, 2019

Three days after the game seven loss, Jake was still feeling the heartbreak of it. He wondered if there would be a day that he didn’t. He spent a lot of time in his apartment, ordering Postmates for food to be dropped at his door so he didn’t have to see anyone he didn’t want to. The only time he’d left was for locker clean-out.

He saw Sutton every day and, though the visits were welcomed, he realized as they sat on the couch and watched shit reality shows that there was still a lot to be said.

He wanted to tell her how he felt about her again, but he kept his mouth shut. Friendship with Sutton was something he’d gotten used to, and he could continue living like this for now. Besides, he’d be leaving Boston soon and he didn’t want to start something that he couldn’t commit all his time to. She deserved to be the center of his world.

On the morning of the fifteenth, Sutton picked him up to drive him to the airport feeling like shit. It had been weeks since they saw each other at the bar, which meant weeks since he admitted his feelings and nothing had been said about it. He said he didn’t remember much, but she wondered if he really did and was just regretting what had been said.

Conversation on the way to the airport was mundane. He talked about all the things he was excited to do at home, like seeing his family and friends, and asked about what she’d do while he was gone, and she sighed heavily before answering, “Work.”

After she parked the car at the curb of the terminal, she reached over for the handle of the door, but Jake grabbed her other wrist to get her attention.

“I lied to you,” he blurted out. “I remember everything I said to you after the club. I wasn’t going to say anything because I love that you’re just being Sutton right now. But, I also don’t want to leave Boston without telling you how I feel.”

“Fuck you!” she exclaimed after releasing long sigh. He started laughing and stepped out of the car. She scrambled after him towards the trunk to grab his things. He was grinning ear-to-ear. “I thought you didn’t remember or you regretted it!”

“You’re crazy to think I’d ever regret you,” he said, fingers coming up to brush her cheekbone. Sutton blushed hard. “Seriously.”

“Your timing is shit,” she said. Jake curled his arm around her shoulders and embraced her. “Why would you admit your feelings and then fly off to Canada? That’s bullshit.”

“I don’t want you revolving your life around us right now,” he said. He pulled back and pressed his lips to her forehead, even though he desperately wanted to kiss her lips. Then, he pulled away completely. “You have three months to just be you, but then I’m coming back for you.”

---

September 1st, 2019

Jake and Sutton were both shaking like leafs as they made their way to each other on the morning of September 1st, him on the plane, her in her car on the way to pick him up. The summer was full of fresh starts. For Sutton, she ended up in a new position with a corner office at work. Jake had the summer to reset, spend time with his family, and relax.

Together, it was a fresh start to their relationship and more time to get to know each other.

Although they weren’t officially together, they talked on the phone at least once a week, but usually more. They flirted with the idea of the future through conversations about dates they’d go on when he got back and movies they needed to watch together. It felt like all the pieces of the puzzle were finally together, all Jake needed to do was come back to Boston.

And he was finally home.

Sutton stood beside her car as she waited for him to emerge from baggage claim. Her hands were shaking and her stomach felt sick, but the moment she saw him, it all went away. She sprinted over and threw herself into his open arms, giggling as his bags hit the pavement.

He wrapped his arms around her so tightly he thought she might snap in half. Then, she looked up at him, wide smile on her face, and all he could ask was, “Can I please kiss you like I’ve been wanted to all summer?”

“I might die if you don’t.”

And then the world fell away and it was just Jake and Sutton, finally kissing on purpose.

“Where are we going?”

“Stop asking questions!”

Sutton knew exactly where he was taking her, but she was hoping the question would make him rethink it. The door just before the stairs had ROOF ACCESS stamped across it.

“Won’t we get into trouble?”

Jake paused then, turning to answer, “Of course not. I slipped the security guards $50 to let us up here.”

Sutton laughed loudly at that and allowed him to continue tugging her along.

After picking him up at the airport, they spent the day re-exploring Boston. They walked in parks and talked on benches for hours on end, like they hadn’t spoken all summer, and then Sutton brought him to her office building to show off her new office. He kissed her in front of her desk and congratulated her for the hundredth time before whisking her off to dinner reservations he’d made a few weeks prior. By the time dinner ended, the two of them were drunk on each other, giggling and dancing down the streets to his apartment.

Jake pushed the door to the roof open and stepped out, tugging Sutton along with him towards the edge of the roof. She laced her fingers through his and followed happily. When he slowed to a stop, she halted beside him, resting her cheek against his arm. The city was alive beneath them, lights shining on them like a spotlight.

“I’ve always wanted to bring you up here,” he spoke, glancing down at her. She was already looking up at him, soft smile playing on her lips. “But I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring you up here if we were ‘just friends.’”

“We were never really just friends, huh?”

“Not at all,” he answered with a laugh. “You were delusional.”

That moment felt so poignant to Sutton, like it was the moment that was going to change everything. She turned to fold into his chest and his arms curled around her, filling her with a warmth she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Do you want this, Sutton?” he asked, voice just above a whisper. She looked up at him, eyes searching his face, falling to his lips as he spoke his next words. “Do you want to be with me?”

“More than anything.”

---

October 18th, 2019

“He’s going to pass out when he sees you.”

“God, I hope not,” Sutton murmured, fingers still covering the small smile on her lips as she gazed at herself in the lingerie she was modeling for her roommates. Her eyes cut back to the two of them. “You don’t think it’s too much?”

“Not at all,” Mia said. Kate shook her head, eyes still taking in all the little bows and lace on the set. She sighed suddenly and grunted, “Now you’re making me want to buy lingerie. I don’t even have a boyfriend.”

Sutton snorted before turning back to her reflection to admire herself once more.

They’d officially been dating a little over a month and it was a dream. It was fun to get to know each other in a different, more intimate way and little by little all the walls were being broken down between them, not that there were too many to begin with.

Jake’s 23rd birthday was October 17th, but because he had a game, they couldn’t celebrate the way they’d been planning to. Fortunately, his next two days were free, so Sutton booked a stay at an Airbnb in Cape Cod.

She was all nerves and anxiety leading up to the trip, simply because of the mounting pressure that came with not having had sex with him yet. They’d spent the past month exploring each other with their hands and their mouths, but it was never taken any farther than that.

Only twice had they gotten close to it.

The first occurrence was about a week after the season started. He’d been away on a four-game road trip and by the time he got home, he was exhausted. Sutton was waiting for him when he got home the next afternoon and he collapsed into her arms on the couch until he was ready to cleanse himself of the remnants of loss and airplane germs.

“Come shower with me.”

“Jake,” she murmured hesitantly, threading her fingers through his hair.

“C’mon,” he whined through a pout. “I missed you.”

“Fine.”

She followed him to his room and popped her phone onto the charger while he stripped himself of his clothes. His hands found their way around her waist, sliding underneath her sweatshirt to pull it over her head. When Sutton turned to face him, he captured her lips with his and she moaned against his lips happily.

He shed her of her clothes as they kissed slowly, but as soon as she was standing naked in front of him, she pushed him towards the bathroom, too nervous for what could come next, unsure if she was even ready to go there.

Jake held her close beneath the warmth of the water, fingers traveling along her spine, into her hair, gripping her ass. Her hands were just the same, feeling his every muscle constrict beneath her touch, listening to him shudder when her hands traveled below his hips. He was hard against her lower abdomen,

“I’m not ready,” she blurted out. The second the words were out in the open she was clasping her hands over her mouth. Jake took a step back, his hands falling from her skin to his sides.

“Ready for what?”

“Sex.”

“Okay, that’s okay,” he murmured, placing another soft kiss against her lips. “I can wait.”

The second time was after a night spent with Charlie and his girlfriend, drinking wine and watching shitty movies. She was going to spend the night at Jake’s anyway, so when they got back to his apartment, they got ready for bed and cuddled up under the covers together—him in a pair of boxers, her in underwear and a t-shirt of his. She woke up in the middle of the night with Jake wrapped around her, his erection against her ass. As she pulled his arms tighter to her, he stirred and rutted his hips against her.

“Sleeping with you is so hard.”

“Why? Cause you’re always hard?” she asked with a laugh. He hummed affirmatively, pressing into her a bit more. She turned around and kissed him softly. His eyes fluttered open at the feather light touch of her lips, and then he was on her, kissing her while his hands gripped her ass. In seconds, he had her on top of him, straddling his lap.

“You’re so wet right now,” he murmured as she rubbed against his bulge. Sutton was thankful for the veil of darkness in his room because she was bright red and flustered. He gripped her hips and guided her hips. “C’mon, use me, baby.”

She began to grind against him as they made out and he kept her hips down, rutting up into her to help her towards orgasm. It didn’t take long, the friction against her clit had her breathing heavily into the crook of his neck in no time and as her orgasm washed over her, he helped her through it by continuing to guide her hips against him.

“Fuck,” she sighed, and he laughed gently, wrapping his arms around her to keep her close to his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” he spoke. “That was hot.”

And that was the extent of it. But now, he was turning another year older and she wanted to give him a gift to remember.

“Hey, baby,” he greeted as soon as Sutton opened the apartment door. He swept her up into a hug and kissed her full on the mouth while Mia and Kate aww’d behind them. “Hey, ladies.”

“Happy birthday!”

“Thank you, thank you,” he responded before placing one more kiss on Sutton’s lips. They detached from each other long enough for Jake to grab Sutton’s overnight bag. “Are you ready to go? I’ve been itching to get out of this city with you.”

Jake led her to the car, hand-in-hand, chattering on about the game he played the night before and Sutton hung on his every word, like she always did. He loaded her things into the trunk beside his and slid into the driver’s seat, handing the aux over to her—the only person he ever let control the music in his car.

As soon as they pulled onto the highway, Sutton blurted, “I want to have sex with you.”

“Yeah? I want to have sex with you, too,” he responded, goofy smile playing at his lips. His eyes were still trained on the road, like she hadn’t just divulged this important information to him. She laughed softly and reached out to take his free hand.

“No, like tonight,” she said. He looked over at her with wide eyes. “Eyes on the road.”

“You can’t say something like that and expect me to pay attention to much else,” he grunted, though he was now grinning from ear-to-ear. He squeezed her hand lightly. “Are you serious? You want to?”

“Yes.”

“Birthday sex,” he murmured, chuckling at himself. She laughed with him and shoved his hand away playfully only for him to drop it to her thigh, a little higher than usual, and hit the gas.

Jake was a pest at dinner.

Even though they’d been seated at a table across from each other, he pulled his chair around to sit beside her. His hand rested against her thigh the entire time, fingers gripping every once in a while to get a rise out of her.

When asked if they wanted a dessert menu, Jake was quick to turn it down.

“No, I think we’re alright,” he answered. Sutton turned to protest, it was his birthday after all, and he’d probably get a free dessert, but he shook his head at her. “Thank you, though. Everything was delicious.”

“You don’t want dessert?” Sutton asked as soon as the waitress stepped away.

Jake smiled and leaned in close to whisper in your ear, “You’re my dessert, Sutt.”

The ride back to the Airbnb felt way too long and the anticipation of the night ahead had Jake buzzing from the moment they got into the car after dinner to the moment he was sitting in a chair in the living room, waiting for her.

“You can’t touch!” she called from behind the bedroom door. His eyes were locked on it, carefully watching the handle so he could prepare himself.

“Sutton, you’re evil.”

“Promise me!”

“I promise, baby. Come on.”

She pulled the door open and his eyes drank her in. Then, her robe fell to the floor and he released a shaky breath. He leaned forward in the chair, elbows resting on his knees as he braced his hands together to keep himself from touching her.

“Sutton, I don’t know how you expect me to keep myself from touching you when you’re wearing that.”

“Do you want your birthday gift or not?”

“I really fucking want my birthday gift.”

“Then, you’ll find a way to keep your hands to yourself.”

Jake leaned back against the chair with a frustrated sigh, eyes still glued to the lace clinging to her body. He swallowed thickly as his eyes trailed over her chest, landing on the little bow between her breasts before meeting her eyes again.

In the sweetest voice, he murmured, “You’re so pretty.”

A blush crept up her cheeks, smile betraying the seductive front she was trying to show, and she sighed, “How am I supposed to act sexy when you’re making me blush like this?”

“You’re always sexy,” he spoke, voice low again. “You don’t need to act.”

She walked over to him, shaking her head when he reached for her again, and straddled his lap, fingers threading through his hair as he gazed up at her. His hands hung limp on either side of him and his fingers twitched as she grinded against his bulge.

“This is so unfair,” he grunted. She kissed his neck, sucking a mark into it as she continued to rub against him. “Who knew you were such a tease?”

“Who knew you were so chatty?”

“Shut me up then,” he challenged with a cocky smirk. Sutton rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t stop her lips from curling into a smirk as well. She sunk down to her knees, pushing his thighs open before fumbling with his belt and his eyes watched her hungrily. He lifted himself from the chair and let her pull them down, leaving him in just his boxers.

“Take your shirt off.”

He threw it off eagerly, tossing it over her shoulder to the other side of the room.

Sutton flattened her hands against his chest and ran her fingers over his muscles as they constricted beneath her touch. His breath was already unsteady. It was painful not being able to touch her when she looked so damn good. She kissed along his chest and down his abs to the waistband of his boxers. A breathless curse fell from his lips as she tugged them down.

In no time, she was working him with her hands and then her lips were wrapping around his length. He gathered her hair in his fist and gently pulled it back and out of her face, watching in awe, mouth ajar as she bobbed her head on his dick. She looked up at him sweetly, eyelashes fluttering against her cheekbones as she watched him unravel. He moaned as she took him deeper, hitting the back of her throat.

His other hand flew to his own face and ran through his hair, gripping the roots as he felt his orgasm beginning to bloom in the pit of his stomach. Jake never lasted long when she was on her knees. Her mouth worked wonders for him.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” he muttered, grip on her hair getting tighter. His hips thrust up involuntarily and she gagged around his cock, but didn’t stop. He threw his head back with a groan as she deep throated him and then he finally came. She swallowed it, sucking him dry as he became a moaning mess beneath her. “Fuck, Sutton, fuck.”

She pulled her mouth off his cock with a pop and licked her lips as his gaze returned to her. He dropped his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her up to him. The lace of her lingerie scratched against the bare skin of his chest and when she straddled him as they kissed, he could feel how wet she was underneath.

“You’re so wet, princess,” he whispered into her kiss. One hand slid along her thigh up to her pussy. He pushed the fabric to the side and slid his fingers along her folds. “I love it when you suck my dick, but I can’t wait to fuck you.” He inserted two fingers into her pussy and she moaned as he curled them against her g-spot. “You’re so wet, so ready for me. Do you want my cock, angel?”

Sutton nodded, a whimper falling from her lips as he pulled his fingers out of her. He stood, wrapping her legs around his waist so he could walk her into the bedroom. When he lowered her onto the bed carefully, he kissed along her skin from the valley of her breasts to her lips.

“Do you like your gift?”

“I love it,” he whispered against her throat. His fingers trailed along the lace covering her pussy. “You bought it for me? Just me?” She nodded, breath catching in her throat as he rubbed her through the fabric. “Happy birthday, JD.”

She giggled at his dorky expression and that little smile on his lips, but she shut up the moment he pushed the lingerie to the side. His fingers began to massage her folds again, coaxing sweet moans from her as he sunk the fingers into her heat and curled them once more.

“I never get tired of your moans,” he murmured. “And I can’t wait to hear what you sound like when I’m fucking you.” She swallowed thickly, his words so dirty compared to how he often joked with her. He noticed her reaction and smiled. “Do you like it when I talk to you like this, Sutton?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“You’re gonna learn a lot of new things about me.”

Sutton giggled and he did just the same because nothing between the two of them could ever stay serious. They just liked each other too much to not be smiling, giggling messes at all times.

“As much as I like this lingerie,” he began, fingers dancing along the bows. “How do I take it off?”

Sutton sat up with a laugh and reached behind her to unclasp the bra. It fell away and she tossed it onto the floor. Jake hooked his fingers beneath the waistband of the panties and pulled them down, throwing them onto the floor as well. His hands were everywhere all at once, cupping her breasts, teasing her core.

He pushed her thighs apart and slotted himself between them as he began kissing her again, the head of his cock brushing against her clit as he leaned in. Her sharp intake of breath shattered the silence in the room.

“Jake, I want you,” she pleaded. He released an uneasy breath, cheeks flushed pink as he reached out to grab the condom from the nightstand and ripped the wrapper open with shaking hands. Sutton reached up and took it from him, asking, “Are you nervous?”

“A little bit, I think. It’s because I like you too much.”

“Too much?”

“It’s not a complaint,” he responded, capturing her lips in a kiss. He sucked in a breath and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as Sutton rolled the condom over his cock. “Fuck.”

She laid back against the pillows once it was on and Jake admired her body, laid out for him. His hands travelled up her sides, back to her breasts, along the skin of her neck and her cheeks. He nudged her thighs apart some more with his knees.

“Are you ready?” he asked. She nodded, accepting his kiss before he reached down and aligned himself with her entrance. One hand rested beside her head and his other wrapped around his cock as he pushed the head into her. She sighed as he entered her some more, finally releasing his member from his hand and caging her head in on both sides with his hands.

He shuddered as he filled her up, the feeling of her warmth all too consuming. His forehead dropped to her shoulder as he bottomed out and she sighed out a moan, wrapping her legs around his waist to take him deeper.

“You feel so good,” he muttered, barely able to get the words out. He let out a shaky laugh and halted his movements to steady his breath. “Hold on. I need a minute.” Sutton furrowed her brows as he leaned back. He gazed down at her body, down at his body and the place they fit together. “If you told me back in March that this is where we’d be seven months later, I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“No?”

“No, you’re my dream girl,” he spoke, leaning in to kiss her again. He pulled out slowly and then pushed back into her. As she sighed beneath him, he spoke against her lips, “You’re so far out of my league.”

“Jake,” she whispered, fingers carding through his hair. He glanced up at her again. “You’re perfect for me.”

Their next kiss was passionate and full of fire, and he began to thrust faster, pulling her leg higher on his waist to hit deeper. The sound of their moans mixing and their bodies together filled the room. He spoke praises to her about how beautiful she was, how good she felt. She kissed him until her lips were bruised.

His thrusts were slow and calculated and he tried to look her in the eye to see how she looked when she was filled with him. The view was beautiful with her lips plump and her eyes wide. She watched him intently, overwhelmed by this moment, overwhelmed that she was finally with him like they’d wanted to be for so long.

She rutted her hips up to get more friction from him and he dropped his hand to her clit, hoping to help her reach the peak before he had his second orgasm of the night. Her nails scratched his back as her toes began to curl.

“Please,” she moaned.

“What’s up, baby? What do you need?”

“Fuck me harder.”

Jake lifted her leg up to rest against his shoulder and dirty, loud moans filled the room as he fucked her. She looked so pretty beneath him, eyes squeezed shut as her back arched off the mattress. He coached her through it, talkative as always, and she shuddered beneath him as he reached the peak, pussy fluttering around his cock. Her chest heaved as he fucked her through the orgasm and, finally, he poured into the condom as he reached his own.

He didn’t pull out until he was soft, and even then, he hardly moved away from her, opting instead to just drop his weight against her in bed. Her fingers carded through his hair and he relaxed into her touch, leaving lazy kisses against her skin. Finally, he pulled himself off her and moved up the bed to rest his head beside hers on the pillow.

They stared at each other for a long time without saying a word.

Jake couldn’t believe his luck, couldn’t believe that this girl was his, finally. He threaded his fingers through her hair to see her face properly and sighed before leaning in to press a kiss to the top of her nose.

“You’re my best friend,” he whispered. “I’m so happy we’re together.”

“Me too.”

Sutton’s heart felt like it could explode from happiness. After all the times she’d been mistreated, all the bullshit she went through with Garrett, she was finally with someone who understood her, both inside and out. Jake looked at her like she put the stars in the sky and it made her melt.

“I think I could spend the rest of my life with you,” he spoke, voice cracking a bit with emotion as his eyes bore into hers. “I love you, Sutton.”

“Jake,” she sighed out, tears coming to her eyes. She reached up, swiping a thumb along his cheekbone and he tilted his head to press a kiss to her palm. “I love you, too.”

#jake debrusk fic #jake debrusk imagine #jake debrusk story #hockey imagine #mk writes #nhl imagine #hockey rpf #boston bruins imagine #boston bruins fic

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taylorswifthongkong · 3 years

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Taylor Swift broke all her rules with Folklore — and gave herself a much-needed escape The pop star, one of EW's 2020 Entertainers of the Year, delves deep into her surprise eighth album, Rebekah Harkness, and a Joe Biden presidency. By Alex Suskind

“He is my co-writer on ‛Betty’ and ‛Exile,’” replies Taylor Swift with deadpan precision. The question Who is William Bowery? was, at the time we spoke, one of 2020’s great mysteries, right up there with the existence of Joe Exotic and the sudden arrival of murder hornets. An unknown writer credited on the year’s biggest album? It must be an alias.

Is he your brother?

“He’s William Bowery,” says Swift with a smile.

It's early November, after Election Day but before Swift eventually revealed Bowery's true identity to the world (the leading theory, that he was boyfriend Joe Alwyn, proved prescient). But, like all Swiftian riddles, it was fun to puzzle over for months, particularly in this hot mess of a year, when brief distractions are as comforting as a well-worn cardigan. Thankfully, the Bowery... erhm, Alwyn-assisted Folklore — a Swift project filled with muted pianos and whisper-quiet snares, recorded in secret with Jack Antonoff and the National’s Aaron Dessner — delivered.

“The only people who knew were the people I was making it with, my boyfriend, my family, and a small management team,” Swift, 30, tells EW of the album's hush-hush recording sessions. That gave the intimate Folklore a mystique all its own: the first surprise Taylor Swift album, one that prioritized fantastical tales over personal confessions.

“Early in quarantine, I started watching lots of films,” she explains. “Consuming other people’s storytelling opened this portal in my imagination and made me feel like, Why have I never created characters and intersecting storylines?” That’s how she ended up with three songs about an imagined love triangle (“Cardigan,” “Betty,” “August”), one about a clandestine romance (“Illicit Affairs”), and another chronicling a doomed relationship (“Exile”). Others tell of sumptuous real-life figures like Rebekah Harkness, a divorcee who married the heir to Standard Oil — and whose home Swift purchased 31 years after her death. The result, “The Last Great American Dynasty,” hones in on Harkness’ story, until Swift cleverly injects herself.

And yet, it wouldn’t be a Swift album without a few barbed postmortems over her own history. Notably, “My Tears Ricochet” and “Mad Woman," which touch on her former label head Scott Borchetta selling the masters to Swift’s catalog to her known nemesis Scooter Braun. Mere hours after our interview, the lyrics’ real-life origins took a surprising twist, when news broke that Swift’s music had once again been sold, to another private equity firm, for a reported $300 million. Though Swift ignored repeated requests for comment on the transaction, she did tweet a statement, hitting back at Braun while noting that she had begun re-recording her old albums — something she first promised in 2019 as a way of retaining agency over her creative legacy. (Later, she would tease a snippet of that reimagined work, with a new version of her hit 2008 single "Love Story.")

Like surprise-dropping Folklore, like pissing off the president by endorsing his opponents, like shooing away haters, Swift does what suits her. “I don’t think we often hear about women who did whatever the hell they wanted,” she says of Harkness — something Swift is clearly intent on changing. For her, that means basking in the world of, and favorable response to, Folklore. As she says in our interview, “I have this weird thing where, in order to create the next thing, I attack the previous thing. I don’t love that I do that, but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I still love it.”

TAYLOR SWIFT: I was. I wasn't expecting to make an album. Early on in quarantine, I started watching lots of films. We would watch a different movie every night. I'm ashamed to say I hadn't seen Pan's Labyrinth before. One night I'd watch that, then I'd watch L.A. Confidential, then we'd watch Rear Window, then we'd watch Jane Eyre. I feel like consuming other people's art and storytelling sort of opened this portal in my imagination and made me feel like, "Well, why have I never done this before? Why have I never created characters and intersecting storylines? And why haven't I ever sort of freed myself up to do that from a narrative standpoint?" There is something a little heavy about knowing when you put out an album, people are going to take it so literally that everything you say could be clickbait. It was really, really freeing to be able to just be inspired by worlds created by the films you watch or books you've read or places you've dreamed of or people that you've wondered about, not just being inspired by your own experience.

In that vain, what's it like to sit down and write something like “Betty,” which is told from the perspective of a 17-year-old boy?

That was huge for me. And I think it came from the fact that my co-writer, William Bowery [Joe Alwyn], is male — and he was the one who originally thought of the chorus melody. And hearing him sing it, I thought, "That sounds really cool." Obviously, I don't have a male voice, but I thought, "I could have a male perspective." Patty Griffin wrote this song, “Top of the World.” It's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it's from the perspective of this older man who has lived a life full of regret, and he's kind of taking stock of that regret. So, I thought, "This is something that people I am a huge fan of have done. This would be fun to kind of take this for a spin."

What are your favorite William Bowery conspiracies?

I love them all individually and equally. I love all the conspiracy theories around this album. [With] "Betty," Jack Antonoff would text me these articles and think pieces and in-depth Tumblr posts on what this love triangle meant to the person who had listened to it. And that's exactly what I was hoping would happen with this album. I wrote these stories for a specific reason and from a specific place about specific people that I imagined, but I wanted that to all change given who was listening to it. And I wanted it to start out as mine and become other people's. It's been really fun to watch.

I didn't think about any of that for the very first time. And a lot of this album was kind of distilled down to the purest version of what the story is. Songwriting on this album is exactly the way that I would write if I considered nothing else other than, "What words do I want to write? What stories do I want to tell? What melodies do I want to sing? What production is essential to tell those stories?" It was a very do-it-yourself experience. My management team, we created absolutely everything in advance — every lyric video, every individual album package. And then we called our label a week in advance and said, "Here's what we have.” The photo shoot was me and the photographer walking out into a field. I'd done my hair and makeup and brought some nightgowns. These experiences I was used to having with 100 people on set, commanding alongside other people in a very committee fashion — all of a sudden it was me and a photographer, or me and my DP. It was a new challenge, because I love collaboration. But there's something really fun about knowing what you can do if it's just you doing it.

Did you find it freeing?

I did. Every project involves different levels of collaboration, because on other albums there are things that my stylist will think of that I never would've thought of. But if I had all those people on the photo shoot, I would've had to have them quarantine away from their families for weeks on end, and I would've had to ask things of them that I didn't think were fair if I could figure out a way to do it [myself]. I had this idea for the [Folklore album cover] that it would be this girl sleepwalking through the forest in a nightgown in 1830 [laughs]. Very specific. A pioneer woman sleepwalking at night. I made a moodboard and sent it to Beth [Garrabrant], who I had never worked with before, who shoots only on film. We were just carrying bags across a field and putting the bags of film down, and then taking pictures. It was a blast.

Well, Aaron is one of the most effortlessly prolific creators I've ever worked with. It's really mind-blowing. And every time I've spoken to an artist since this whole process [began], I said, "You need to work with him. It'll change the way you create." He would send me these — he calls them sketches, but it's basically an instrumental track. the second day — the day after I texted him and said, "Hey, would you ever want to work together?" — he sent me this file of probably 30 of these instrumentals and every single one of them was one of the most interesting, exciting things I had ever heard. Music can be beautiful, but it can be lacking that evocative nature. There was something about everything he created that is an immediate image in my head or melody that I came up with. So much so that I'd start writing as soon as I heard a new one. And oftentimes what I would send back would inspire him to make more instrumentals and then send me that one. And then I wrote the song and it started to shape the project, form-fitted and customized to what we wanted to do.

It was weird because I had never made an album and not played it for my girlfriends or told my friends. The only people who knew were the people that I was making it with, my boyfriend, my family, and then my management team. So that's the smallest number of people I've ever had know about something. I'm usually playing it for everyone that I'm friends with. So I had a lot of friends texting me things like, "Why didn't you say on our everyday FaceTimes you were making a record?"

Was it nice to be able to keep it a secret?

Well, it felt like it was only my thing. It felt like such an inner world I was escaping to every day that it almost didn't feel like an album. Because I wasn't making a song and finishing it and going, "Oh my God, that is catchy.” I wasn't making these things with any purpose in mind. And so it was almost like having it just be mine was this really sweet, nice, pure part of the world as everything else in the world was burning and crashing and feeling this sickness and sadness. I almost didn't process it as an album. This was just my daydream space.

Does it still feel like that?

Yeah, because I love it so much. I have this weird thing that I do when I create something where in order to create the next thing I kind of, in my head, attack the previous thing. I don't love that I do that but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I just still love it. I'm so proud of it. And so that feels very foreign to me. That doesn't feel like a normal experience that I've had with releasing albums.

When did you first learn about Rebekah Harkness?

Oh, I learned about her as soon as I was being walked through [her former Rhode Island] home. I got the house when I was in my early twenties as a place for my family to congregate and be together. I was told about her, I think, by the real estate agent who was walking us through the property. And as soon as I found out about her, I wanted to know everything I could. So I started reading. I found her so interesting. And then as more parallels began to develop between our two lives — being the lady that lives in that house on the hill that everybody gets to gossip about — I was always looking for an opportunity to write about her. And I finally found it.

I love that you break the fourth wall in the song. Did you go in thinking you’d include yourself in the story?

I think that in my head, I always wanted to do a country music, standard narrative device, which is: the first verse you sing about someone else, the second verse you sing about someone else who's even closer to you, and then in the third verse, you go, "Surprise! It was me.” You bring it personal for the last verse. And I'd always thought that if I were to tell that story, I would want to include the similarities — our lives or our reputations or our scandals.

How often did you regale friends about the history of Rebekah and Holiday House while hanging out at Holiday House?

Anyone who's been there before knows that I do “The Tour,” in quotes, where I show everyone through the house. And I tell them different anecdotes about each room, because I've done that much research on this house and this woman. So in every single room, there's a different anecdote about Rebekah Harkness. If you have a mixed group of people who've been there before and people who haven't, [the people who’ve been there] are like, "Oh, she's going to do the tour. She's got to tell you the story about how the ballerinas used to practice on the lawn.” And they'll go get a drink and skip it because it's the same every time. But for me, I'm telling the story with the same electric enthusiasm, because it's just endlessly entertaining to me that this fabulous woman lived there. She just did whatever she wanted.

I found myself being very triggered by any stories, movies, or narratives revolving around divorce, which felt weird because I haven't experienced it directly. There’s no reason it should cause me so much pain, but all of a sudden it felt like something I had been through. I think that happens any time you've been in a 15-year relationship and it ends in a messy, upsetting way. So I wrote “My Tears Ricochet” and I was using a lot of imagery that I had conjured up while comparing a relationship ending to when people end an actual marriage. All of a sudden this person that you trusted more than anyone in the world is the person that can hurt you the worst. Then all of a sudden the things that you have been through together, hurt. All of a sudden, the person who was your best friend is now your biggest nemesis, etc. etc. etc. I think I wrote some of the first lyrics to that song after watching Marriage Story and hearing about when marriages go wrong and end in such a catastrophic way. So these songs are in some ways imaginary, in some ways not, and in some ways both.

How did it feel to drop an F-bomb on "Mad Woman"?

F---ing fantastic.

And that’s the first time you ever recorded one on a record, right?

Yeah. Every rule book was thrown out. I always had these rules in my head and one of them was, You haven't done this before, so you can't ever do this. “Well, you've never had an explicit sticker, so you can't ever have an explicit sticker.” But that was one of the times where I felt like you need to follow the language and you need to follow the storyline. And if the storyline and the language match up and you end up saying the F-word, just go for it. I wasn't adhering to any of the guidelines that I had placed on myself. I decided to just make what I wanted to make. And I'm really happy that the fans were stoked about that because I think they could feel that. I'm not blaming anyone else for me restricting myself in the past. That was all, I guess, making what I want to make. I think my fans could feel that I opened the gate and ran out of the pasture for the first time, which I'm glad they picked up on because they're very intuitive.

Let’s talk about “Epiphany.” The first verse is a nod to your grandfather, Dean, who fought in World War II. What does his story mean to you personally?

I wanted to write about him for awhile. He died when I was very young, but my dad would always tell this story that the only thing that his dad would ever say about the war was when somebody would ask him, "Why do you have such a positive outlook on life?" My grandfather would reply, "Well, I'm not supposed to be here. I shouldn't be here." My dad and his brothers always kind of imagined that what he had experienced was really awful and traumatic and that he'd seen a lot of terrible things. So when they did research, they learned that he had fought at the Battles of Guadalcanal, at Cape Gloucester, at Talasea, at Okinawa. He had seen a lot of heavy fire and casualties — all of the things that nightmares are made of. He was one of the first people to sign up for the war. But you know, these are things that you can only imagine that a lot of people in that generation didn't speak about because, a) they didn't want people that they came home to to worry about them, and b) it just was so bad that it was the actual definition of unspeakable.

I mean, you just immediately think of the health workers who are putting their lives on the line — and oftentimes losing their lives. If they make it out of this, if they see the other side of it, there's going to be a lot of trauma that comes with that; there's going to be things that they witnessed that they will never be able to un-see. And that was the connection that I drew. I did a lot of research on my grandfather in the beginning of quarantine, and it hit me very quickly that we've got a version of that trauma happening right now in our hospitals. God, you hope people would respect it and would understand that going out for a night isn't worth the ripple effect that it causes. But obviously we're seeing that a lot of people don't seem to have their eyes open to that — or if they do, a lot of people don't care, which is upsetting.

You had the Lover Fest East and West scheduled this year. How hard has it been to both not perform for your fans this year, and see the music industry at large go through such a brutal change?

It's confusing. It's hard to watch. I think that maybe me wanting to make as much music as possible during this time was a way for me to feel like I could reach out my hand and touch my fans, even if I couldn't physically reach out or take a picture with them. We've had a lot of different, amazing, fun, sort of underground traditions we've built over the years that involve a lot of human interaction, and so I have no idea what's going to happen with touring; none of us do. And that's a scary thing. You can't look to somebody in the music industry who's been around a long time, or an expert touring manager or promoter and [ask] what's going to happen and have them give you an answer. I think we're all just trying to keep our eyes on the horizon and see what it looks like. So we're just kind of sitting tight and trying to take care of whatever creative spark might exist and trying to figure out how to reach our fans in other ways, because we just can't do that right now.

When you are able to perform again, do you have plans on resurfacing a Lover Fest-type event?

I don't know what incarnation it'll take and I really would need to sit down and think about it for a good solid couple of months before I figured out the answer. Because whatever we do, I want it to be something that is thoughtful and will make the fans happy and I hope I can achieve that. I'm going to try really hard to.

In addition to recording an album, you spent this year supporting Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in the election. Where were you when it was called in their favor?

Well, when the results were coming in, I was actually at the property where we shot the Entertainment Weekly cover. I was hanging out with my photographer friend, Beth, and the wonderful couple that owned the farm where we [were]. And we realized really early into the night that we weren't going to get an accurate picture of the results. Then, a couple of days later, I was on a video shoot, but I was directing, and I was standing there with my face shield and mask on next to my director of photography, Rodrigo Prieto. And I just remember a news alert coming up on my phone that said, "Biden is our next president. He's won the election." And I showed it to Rodrigo and he said, "I'm always going to remember the moment that we learned this." And I looked around, and people's face shields were starting to fog up because a lot of people were really misty-eyed and emotional, and it was not loud. It wasn't popping bottles of champagne. It was this moment of quiet, cautious elation and relief.

Do you ever think about what Folklore would have sounded like if you, Aaron, and Jack had been in the same room?

I think about it all the time. I think that a lot of what has happened with the album has to do with us all being in a collective emotional place. Obviously everybody's lives have different complexities and whatnot, but I think most of us were feeling really shaken up and really out of place and confused and in need of something comforting all at the same time. And for me, that thing that was comforting was making music that felt sort of like I was trying to hug my fans through the speakers. That was truly my intent. Just trying to hug them when I can't hug them.

I was really excited about "August slipped away into a moment of time/August sipped away like a bottle of wine." That was a song where Jack sent me the instrumental and I wrote the song pretty much on the spot; it just was an intuitive thing. And that was actually the first song that I wrote of the "Betty" triangle. So the Betty songs are "August," "Cardigan," and "Betty." "August" was actually the first one, which is strange because it's the song from the other girl's perspective.

Yeah, I assumed you wrote "Cardigan" first.

It would be safe to assume that "Cardigan" would be first, but it wasn't. It was very strange how it happened, but it kind of pieced together one song at a time, starting with "August," where I kind of wanted to explore the element of This is from the perspective of a girl who was having her first brush with love. And then all of a sudden she's treated like she's the other girl, because there was another situation that had already been in place, but "August" girl thought she was really falling in love. It kind of explores the idea of the undefined relationship. As humans, we're all encouraged to just be cool and just let it happen, and don't ask what the relationship is — Are we exclusive? But if you are chill about it, especially when you're young, you learn the very hard lesson that if you don't define something, oftentimes they can gaslight you into thinking it was nothing at all, and that it never happened. And how do you mourn the loss of something once it ends, if you're being made to believe that it never happened at all?

"I almost didn't process it as an album," says Taylor Swift of making Folklore. "And it's still hard for me to process as an entity or a commodity, because [it] was just my daydream space."

I'm really proud of that one too. I heard the track immediately. Aaron sent it to me, and it had this immediate sense of serenity running through it. The first word that popped into my head was peace, but I thought that it would be too on-the-nose to sing about being calm, or to sing about serenity, or to sing about finding peace with someone. Because you have this very conflicted, very dramatic conflict-written lyric paired with this very, very calming sound of the instrumental. But, "The devil's in the details," is one of those phrases that I've written down over the years. That's a common phrase that is used in the English language every day. And I just thought it sounded really cool because of the D, D sound. And I thought, "I'll hang onto those in a list, and then, I'll finally find the right place for them in a story." I think that's how a lot of people feel where it's like, "Yeah, the devil's in the details. Everybody's complex when you look under the hood of the car." But basically saying, "I'm there for you if you want that, if this complexity is what you want."

There's another clever turn-of-phrase on "This is Me Trying." "I didn't know if you'd care if I came back/I have a lot of regrets about that." That feels like a nod toward your fans, and some of the feelings you had about retreating from the public sphere.

Absolutely. I think I was writing from three different characters' perspectives, one who's going through that; I was channeling the emotions I was feeling in 2016, 2017, where I just felt like I was worth absolutely nothing. And then, the second verse is about dealing with addiction and issues with struggling every day. And every second of the day, you're trying not to fall into old patterns, and nobody around you can see that, and no one gives you credit for it. And then, the third verse, I was thinking, what would the National do? What lyric would Matt Berninger write? What chords would the National play? And it's funny because I've since played this song for Aaron, and he's like, "That's not what we would've done at all." He's like, "I love that song, but that's totally different than what we would've done with it."

Yeah, I was at the show where they were playing through I Am Easy to Find. What I loved about [that album] was they had female vocalists singing from female perspectives, and that triggered and fired something in me where I thought, "I've got to play with different perspectives because that is so intriguing when you hear a female perspective come in from a band where you're used to only hearing a male perspective." It just sparked something in me. And obviously, you mentioning the National is the reason why Folklore came to be. So, thank you for that, Alex.

I'm here for all of your songwriting muse needs in the future.

I can't wait to see what comes out of this interview.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

For more on our Entertainers of the Year and Best & Worst of 2020, order the January issue of Entertainment Weekly or find it on newsstands beginning Dec. 18. (You can also pick up the full set of six covers here.) Don’t forget to subscribe for more exclusive interviews and photos, only in EW.

#ew #entertainment weekly #article #interview #folklore promo #folklore interview #quote #aaron dessner #jack antonoff #joe alwyn

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path-of-my-childhood · 3 years

Text

Taylor Swift Broke All Her Rules With Folklore - And Gave Herself A Much-Needed Escape

By: Alex Suskind for Entertainment Weekly Date: December 8th 2020 (EW's 2020 Entertainers of the Year cover)

The pop star, one of EW's 2020 Entertainers of the Year, delves deep into her surprise eighth album, Rebekah Harkness, and a Joe Biden presidency.

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Is he your brother?

“He’s William Bowery,” says Swift with a smile.

It's early November, after Election Day but before Swift eventually revealed Bowery's true identity to the world (the leading theory, that he was boyfriend Joe Alwyn, proved prescient). But, like all Swiftian riddles, it was fun to puzzle over for months, particularly in this hot mess of a year, when brief distractions are as comforting as a well-worn cardigan. Thankfully, the Bowery... erhm, Alwyn-assisted Folklore - a Swift project filled with muted pianos and whisper-quiet snares, recorded in secret with Jack Antonoff and the National’s Aaron Dessner - delivered.

“Early in quarantine, I started watching lots of films,” she explains. “Consuming other people’s storytelling opened this portal in my imagination and made me feel like, Why have I never created characters and intersecting storylines?” That’s how she ended up with three songs about an imagined love triangle (“Cardigan,” “Betty,” “August”), one about a clandestine romance (“Illicit Affairs”), and another chronicling a doomed relationship (“Exile”). Others tell of sumptuous real-life figures like Rebekah Harkness, a divorcee who married the heir to Standard Oil - and whose home Swift purchased 31 years after her death. The result, “The Last Great American Dynasty,” hones in on Harkness’ story, until Swift cleverly injects herself.

And yet, it wouldn’t be a Swift album without a few barbed postmortems over her own history. Notably, “My Tears Ricochet” and “Mad Woman," which touch on her former label head Scott Borchetta selling the masters to Swift’s catalog to her known nemesis Scooter Braun. Mere hours after our interview, the lyrics’ real-life origins took a surprising twist, when news broke that Swift’s music had once again been sold, to another private equity firm, for a reported $300 million. Though Swift ignored repeated requests for comment on the transaction, she did tweet a statement, hitting back at Braun while noting that she had begun re-recording her old albums - something she first promised in 2019 as a way of retaining agency over her creative legacy. (Later, she would tease a snippet of that reimagined work, with a new version of her hit 2008 single "Love Story.")

Like surprise-dropping Folklore, like pissing off the president by endorsing his opponents, like shooing away haters, Swift does what suits her. “I don’t think we often hear about women who did whatever the hell they wanted,” she says of Harkness - something Swift is clearly intent on changing. For her, that means basking in the world of, and favorable response to, Folklore. As she says in our interview, “I have this weird thing where, in order to create the next thing, I attack the previous thing. I don’t love that I do that, but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I still love it.”

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: We’ve spent the year quarantined in our houses, trying to stay healthy and avoiding friends and family. Were you surprised by your ability to create and release a full album in the middle of a pandemic? TAYLOR SWIFT: I was. I wasn't expecting to make an album. Early on in quarantine, I started watching lots of films. We would watch a different movie every night. I'm ashamed to say I hadn't seen Pan's Labyrinth before. One night I'd watch that, then I'd watch L.A. Confidential, then we'd watch Rear Window, then we'd watch Jane Eyre. I feel like consuming other people's art and storytelling sort of opened this portal in my imagination and made me feel like, "Well, why have I never done this before? Why have I never created characters and intersecting storylines? And why haven't I ever sort of freed myself up to do that from a narrative standpoint?" There is something a little heavy about knowing when you put out an album, people are going to take it so literally that everything you say could be clickbait. It was really, really freeing to be able to just be inspired by worlds created by the films you watch or books you've read or places you've dreamed of or people that you've wondered about, not just being inspired by your own experience.

In that vein, what's it like to sit down and write something like “Betty,” which is told from the perspective of a 17-year-old boy? That was huge for me. And I think it came from the fact that my co-writer, William Bowery [Joe Alwyn], is male — and he was the one who originally thought of the chorus melody. And hearing him sing it, I thought, "That sounds really cool." Obviously, I don't have a male voice, but I thought, "I could have a male perspective." Patty Griffin wrote this song, “Top of the World.” It's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it's from the perspective of this older man who has lived a life full of regret, and he's kind of taking stock of that regret. So, I thought, "This is something that people I am a huge fan of have done. This would be fun to kind of take this for a spin."

What are your favorite William Bowery conspiracies? I love them all individually and equally. I love all the conspiracy theories around this album. [With] "Betty," Jack Antonoff would text me these articles and think pieces and in-depth Tumblr posts on what this love triangle meant to the person who had listened to it. And that's exactly what I was hoping would happen with this album. I wrote these stories for a specific reason and from a specific place about specific people that I imagined, but I wanted that to all change given who was listening to it. And I wanted it to start out as mine and become other people's. It's been really fun to watch.

One of the other unique things about Folklore — the parameters around it were completely different from anything you'd done. There was no long roll out, no stadium-sized pop anthems, no aiming for the radio-friendly single. How fearful were you in avoiding what had worked in the past? I didn't think about any of that for the very first time. And a lot of this album was kind of distilled down to the purest version of what the story is. Songwriting on this album is exactly the way that I would write if I considered nothing else other than, "What words do I want to write? What stories do I want to tell? What melodies do I want to sing? What production is essential to tell those stories?" It was a very do-it-yourself experience. My management team, we created absolutely everything in advance — every lyric video, every individual album package. And then we called our label a week in advance and said, "Here's what we have.” The photo shoot was me and the photographer walking out into a field. I'd done my hair and makeup and brought some nightgowns. These experiences I was used to having with 100 people on set, commanding alongside other people in a very committee fashion — all of a sudden it was me and a photographer, or me and my DP. It was a new challenge, because I love collaboration. But there's something really fun about knowing what you can do if it's just you doing it.

Did you find it freeing? I did. Every project involves different levels of collaboration, because on other albums there are things that my stylist will think of that I never would've thought of. But if I had all those people on the photo shoot, I would've had to have them quarantine away from their families for weeks on end, and I would've had to ask things of them that I didn't think were fair if I could figure out a way to do it [myself]. I had this idea for the [Folklore album cover] that it would be this girl sleepwalking through the forest in a nightgown in 1830 [laughs]. Very specific. A pioneer woman sleepwalking at night. I made a moodboard and sent it to Beth [Garrabrant], who I had never worked with before, who shoots only on film. We were just carrying bags across a field and putting the bags of film down, and then taking pictures. It was a blast.

Folklore includes plenty of intimate acoustic echoes to what you've done in the past. But there are also a lot of new sonics here, too — these quiet, powerful, intricately layered harmonics. What was it like to receive the music from Aaron and try to write lyrics on top of it? Well, Aaron is one of the most effortlessly prolific creators I've ever worked with. It's really mind-blowing. And every time I've spoken to an artist since this whole process [began], I said, "You need to work with him. It'll change the way you create." He would send me these — he calls them sketches, but it's basically an instrumental track. the second day — the day after I texted him and said, "Hey, would you ever want to work together?" — he sent me this file of probably 30 of these instrumentals and every single one of them was one of the most interesting, exciting things I had ever heard. Music can be beautiful, but it can be lacking that evocative nature. There was something about everything he created that is an immediate image in my head or melody that I came up with. So much so that I'd start writing as soon as I heard a new one. And oftentimes what I would send back would inspire him to make more instrumentals and then send me that one. And then I wrote the song and it started to shape the project, form-fitted and customized to what we wanted to do.

Was it nice to be able to keep it a secret? Well, it felt like it was only my thing. It felt like such an inner world I was escaping to every day that it almost didn't feel like an album. Because I wasn't making a song and finishing it and going, "Oh my God, that is catchy.” I wasn't making these things with any purpose in mind. And so it was almost like having it just be mine was this really sweet, nice, pure part of the world as everything else in the world was burning and crashing and feeling this sickness and sadness. I almost didn't process it as an album. This was just my daydream space.

Does it still feel like that? Yeah, because I love it so much. I have this weird thing that I do when I create something where in order to create the next thing I kind of, in my head, attack the previous thing. I don't love that I do that but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I just still love it. I'm so proud of it. And so that feels very foreign to me. That doesn't feel like a normal experience that I've had with releasing albums.

When did you first learn about Rebekah Harkness? Oh, I learned about her as soon as I was being walked through [her former Rhode Island] home. I got the house when I was in my early twenties as a place for my family to congregate and be together. I was told about her, I think, by the real estate agent who was walking us through the property. And as soon as I found out about her, I wanted to know everything I could. So I started reading. I found her so interesting. And then as more parallels began to develop between our two lives — being the lady that lives in that house on the hill that everybody gets to gossip about — I was always looking for an opportunity to write about her. And I finally found it.

I love that you break the fourth wall in the song. Did you go in thinking you’d include yourself in the story? I think that in my head, I always wanted to do a country music, standard narrative device, which is: the first verse you sing about someone else, the second verse you sing about someone else who's even closer to you, and then in the third verse, you go, "Surprise! It was me.” You bring it personal for the last verse. And I'd always thought that if I were to tell that story, I would want to include the similarities — our lives or our reputations or our scandals.

How often did you regale friends about the history of Rebekah and Holiday House while hanging out at Holiday House? Anyone who's been there before knows that I do “The Tour,” in quotes, where I show everyone through the house. And I tell them different anecdotes about each room, because I've done that much research on this house and this woman. So in every single room, there's a different anecdote about Rebekah Harkness. If you have a mixed group of people who've been there before and people who haven't, [the people who’ve been there] are like, "Oh, she's going to do the tour. She's got to tell you the story about how the ballerinas used to practice on the lawn.” And they'll go get a drink and skip it because it's the same every time. But for me, I'm telling the story with the same electric enthusiasm, because it's just endlessly entertaining to me that this fabulous woman lived there. She just did whatever she wanted.

There are a handful of songs on Folklore that feel like pretty clear nods to your personal life over the last year, including your relationships with Scott Borchetta and Scooter Braun. How long did it take to crystallize the feelings you had around both of them into “My Tears Ricochet” or “Mad Woman”? I found myself being very triggered by any stories, movies, or narratives revolving around divorce, which felt weird because I haven't experienced it directly. There’s no reason it should cause me so much pain, but all of a sudden it felt like something I had been through. I think that happens any time you've been in a 15-year relationship and it ends in a messy, upsetting way. So I wrote “My Tears Ricochet” and I was using a lot of imagery that I had conjured up while comparing a relationship ending to when people end an actual marriage. All of a sudden this person that you trusted more than anyone in the world is the person that can hurt you the worst. Then all of a sudden the things that you have been through together, hurt. All of a sudden, the person who was your best friend is now your biggest nemesis, etc. etc. etc. I think I wrote some of the first lyrics to that song after watching Marriage Story and hearing about when marriages go wrong and end in such a catastrophic way. So these songs are in some ways imaginary, in some ways not, and in some ways both.

How did it feel to drop an F-bomb on "Mad Woman"? F---ing fantastic.

And that’s the first time you ever recorded one on a record, right? Yeah. Every rule book was thrown out. I always had these rules in my head and one of them was, You haven't done this before, so you can't ever do this. “Well, you've never had an explicit sticker, so you can't ever have an explicit sticker.” But that was one of the times where I felt like you need to follow the language and you need to follow the storyline. And if the storyline and the language match up and you end up saying the F-word, just go for it. I wasn't adhering to any of the guidelines that I had placed on myself. I decided to just make what I wanted to make. And I'm really happy that the fans were stoked about that because I think they could feel that. I'm not blaming anyone else for me restricting myself in the past. That was all, I guess, making what I want to make. I think my fans could feel that I opened the gate and ran out of the pasture for the first time, which I'm glad they picked up on because they're very intuitive.

Let’s talk about “Epiphany.” The first verse is a nod to your grandfather, Dean, who fought in World War II. What does his story mean to you personally? I wanted to write about him for awhile. He died when I was very young, but my dad would always tell this story that the only thing that his dad would ever say about the war was when somebody would ask him, "Why do you have such a positive outlook on life?" My grandfather would reply, "Well, I'm not supposed to be here. I shouldn't be here." My dad and his brothers always kind of imagined that what he had experienced was really awful and traumatic and that he'd seen a lot of terrible things. So when they did research, they learned that he had fought at the Battles of Guadalcanal, at Cape Gloucester, at Talasea, at Okinawa. He had seen a lot of heavy fire and casualties — all of the things that nightmares are made of. He was one of the first people to sign up for the war. But you know, these are things that you can only imagine that a lot of people in that generation didn't speak about because, a) they didn't want people that they came home to to worry about them, and b) it just was so bad that it was the actual definition of unspeakable.

That theme continues in the next verse, which is a pretty overt nod to what’s been happening during COVID. As someone who lives in Nashville, how difficult has it been to see folks on Lower Broadway crowding the bars without masks? I mean, you just immediately think of the health workers who are putting their lives on the line — and oftentimes losing their lives. If they make it out of this, if they see the other side of it, there's going to be a lot of trauma that comes with that; there's going to be things that they witnessed that they will never be able to un-see. And that was the connection that I drew. I did a lot of research on my grandfather in the beginning of quarantine, and it hit me very quickly that we've got a version of that trauma happening right now in our hospitals. God, you hope people would respect it and would understand that going out for a night isn't worth the ripple effect that it causes. But obviously we're seeing that a lot of people don't seem to have their eyes open to that — or if they do, a lot of people don't care, which is upsetting.

You had the Lover Fest East and West scheduled this year. How hard has it been to both not perform for your fans this year, and see the music industry at large go through such a brutal change? It's confusing. It's hard to watch. I think that maybe me wanting to make as much music as possible during this time was a way for me to feel like I could reach out my hand and touch my fans, even if I couldn't physically reach out or take a picture with them. We've had a lot of different, amazing, fun, sort of underground traditions we've built over the years that involve a lot of human interaction, and so I have no idea what's going to happen with touring; none of us do. And that's a scary thing. You can't look to somebody in the music industry who's been around a long time, or an expert touring manager or promoter and [ask] what's going to happen and have them give you an answer. I think we're all just trying to keep our eyes on the horizon and see what it looks like. So we're just kind of sitting tight and trying to take care of whatever creative spark might exist and trying to figure out how to reach our fans in other ways, because we just can't do that right now.

When you are able to perform again, do you have plans on resurfacing a Lover Fest-type event? I don't know what incarnation it'll take and I really would need to sit down and think about it for a good solid couple of months before I figured out the answer. Because whatever we do, I want it to be something that is thoughtful and will make the fans happy and I hope I can achieve that. I'm going to try really hard to.

In addition to recording an album, you spent this year supporting Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in the election. Where were you when it was called in their favor? Well, when the results were coming in, I was actually at the property where we shot the Entertainment Weekly cover. I was hanging out with my photographer friend, Beth, and the wonderful couple that owned the farm where we [were]. And we realized really early into the night that we weren't going to get an accurate picture of the results. Then, a couple of days later, I was on a video shoot, but I was directing, and I was standing there with my face shield and mask on next to my director of photography, Rodrigo Prieto. And I just remember a news alert coming up on my phone that said, "Biden is our next president. He's won the election." And I showed it to Rodrigo and he said, "I'm always going to remember the moment that we learned this." And I looked around, and people's face shields were starting to fog up because a lot of people were really misty-eyed and emotional, and it was not loud. It wasn't popping bottles of champagne. It was this moment of quiet, cautious elation and relief.

Do you ever think about what Folklore would have sounded like if you, Aaron, and Jack had been in the same room? I think about it all the time. I think that a lot of what has happened with the album has to do with us all being in a collective emotional place. Obviously everybody's lives have different complexities and whatnot, but I think most of us were feeling really shaken up and really out of place and confused and in need of something comforting all at the same time. And for me, that thing that was comforting was making music that felt sort of like I was trying to hug my fans through the speakers. That was truly my intent. Just trying to hug them when I can't hug them.

I wanted to talk about some of the lyrics on Folklore. One of my favorite pieces of wordplay is in “August”: that flip of "sipped away like a bottle of wine/slipped away like a moment in time.” Was there an "aha moment" for you while writing that? I was really excited about "August slipped away into a moment of time/August sipped away like a bottle of wine." That was a song where Jack sent me the instrumental and I wrote the song pretty much on the spot; it just was an intuitive thing. And that was actually the first song that I wrote of the "Betty" triangle. So the Betty songs are "August," "Cardigan," and "Betty." "August" was actually the first one, which is strange because it's the song from the other girl's perspective.

Yeah, I assumed you wrote "Cardigan" first. It would be safe to assume that "Cardigan" would be first, but it wasn't. It was very strange how it happened, but it kind of pieced together one song at a time, starting with "August," where I kind of wanted to explore the element of This is from the perspective of a girl who was having her first brush with love. And then all of a sudden she's treated like she's the other girl, because there was another situation that had already been in place, but "August" girl thought she was really falling in love. It kind of explores the idea of the undefined relationship. As humans, we're all encouraged to just be cool and just let it happen, and don't ask what the relationship is — Are we exclusive? But if you are chill about it, especially when you're young, you learn the very hard lesson that if you don't define something, oftentimes they can gaslight you into thinking it was nothing at all, and that it never happened. And how do you mourn the loss of something once it ends, if you're being made to believe that it never happened at all?

On the flip side, "Peace" is bit more defined in terms of how one approaches a relationship. There's this really striking line, "The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me/Would it be enough if I can never give you peace?" How did that line come to you? I'm really proud of that one too. I heard the track immediately. Aaron sent it to me, and it had this immediate sense of serenity running through it. The first word that popped into my head was peace, but I thought that it would be too on-the-nose to sing about being calm, or to sing about serenity, or to sing about finding peace with someone. Because you have this very conflicted, very dramatic conflict-written lyric paired with this very, very calming sound of the instrumental. But, "The devil's in the details," is one of those phrases that I've written down over the years. That's a common phrase that is used in the English language every day. And I just thought it sounded really cool because of the D, D sound. And I thought, "I'll hang onto those in a list, and then, I'll finally find the right place for them in a story." I think that's how a lot of people feel where it's like, "Yeah, the devil's in the details. Everybody's complex when you look under the hood of the car." But basically saying, "I'm there for you if you want that, if this complexity is what you want."

There's another clever turn of phrase on "This is Me Trying." "I didn't know if you'd care if I came back/I have a lot of regrets about that." That feels like a nod toward your fans, and some of the feelings you had about retreating from the public sphere. Absolutely. I think I was writing from three different characters' perspectives, one who's going through that; I was channeling the emotions I was feeling in 2016, 2017, where I just felt like I was worth absolutely nothing. And then, the second verse is about dealing with addiction and issues with struggling every day. And every second of the day, you're trying not to fall into old patterns, and nobody around you can see that, and no one gives you credit for it. And then, the third verse, I was thinking, what would the National do? What lyric would Matt Berninger write? What chords would the National play? And it's funny because I've since played this song for Aaron, and he's like, "That's not what we would've done at all." He's like, "I love that song, but that's totally different than what we would've done with it."

When we last spoke, in April 2019, we were talking about albums we were listening to at the time and you professed your love for the National and I Am Easy to Find. Two months later, you met up with Aaron at their concert, and now, we're here talking about the National again. Yeah, I was at the show where they were playing through I Am Easy to Find. What I loved about [that album] was they had female vocalists singing from female perspectives, and that triggered and fired something in me where I thought, "I've got to play with different perspectives because that is so intriguing when you hear a female perspective come in from a band where you're used to only hearing a male perspective." It just sparked something in me. And obviously, you mentioning the National is the reason why Folklore came to be. So, thank you for that, Alex.

I'm here for all of your songwriting muse needs in the future. I can't wait to see what comes out of this interview.

*** For more on our Entertainers of the Year and Best & Worst of 2020, order the January issue of Entertainment Weekly or find it on newsstands beginning Dec. 18. (You can also pick up the full set of six covers here.) Don’t forget to subscribe for more exclusive interviews and photos, only in EW.

#taylor swift #interview #entertainment weekly #folklore album #folklore era #video

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wheezingghoulbois · 3 years

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KDJFJ DUDE

I JUST LISTENED TO EVERMORE BC OF YOU

AND AAHSHWJFJDHDH ITS SO SO GOOD

NO BODY NO CRIME SLAPS MY GUY ITS AMAZING

IM SO GLAD I LOOKED AT YOUR BLOG TONITE

now excuse mw while i finally get around to listening to folklore xD

WAIT REALLY!!!!! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! 😊😊😊💖💖💖💖 IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT!!!! and Big Mood no body no crime is the murder anthem i never knew i needed but am SO happy we have ahsflajsfalkfj

and youre in for such a treat for folklore!!! she’s amazing!!!! both the albums are 💖💖💖💖 taylor is really out here trying to make quarantine tolerable and shes doing it 💖💖💖

#i love folklore and evermore like equally #taylor swift rambles #im literally so happy you like it 💖💖#cant believe ms swift gave me 2 mini heart attacks in like 6 months like MAAM #asks #thank u lucy!#genuinely these albums have been like the best thinigs to come out of quarantine for me lmao #soupforfree

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fuckheadwitha · 3 years

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Listening to Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time

Rolling Stone released an updated list of their top 500 albums of all time and being trapped in the purgatory of covid quarantine this seems like the perfect moment to tackle what an almost completely irrelevant former counter-culture institution has to say about music (we can’t actually blame Rolling Stone for this list, a huge number of musicians and critics voted to make it). I am going to listen to every single one of these, all the way through, with a level of attention that's not super intense but I'm definitely not having them on in the background as simple aural wallpaper. Two caveats though: I can make an executive decision to skip any album if I feel the experience is sufficiently miserable, and I'm also going to be skipping the compilation albums that I feel aren't really worth slots (best ofs, etc.). In addition, I will be ordering them as I go, creating a top 500 of the top 500 (it will be less than 500 since we've already established I'm skipping some of these).

Here are 500-490:

#500 Arcade Fire - Funeral

I can already tell I'm going to be at odds with this list if one of the most important albums of my high school years is at the bottom. That being said, I haven't actually given this whole thing a listen since probably the early 2010s, before Arcade Fire fatigue set in and the hipsterati appointed band of a generation just kinda seemed to fade from popular consciousness. I actually dreaded re-experiencing it, since the synthesis of anthemic rock and quirky folk instrumentation which Arcade Fire brought mainstream has now become the common shorthand of insufferable spotify friendly folk pop. Blessedly, the first half of the album easily holds up, largely propelled by dirty fast rhythm guitar, orchestration that's tuneful rather than obnoxious, and lyrics which come off as earnest rather than pretentious. The middle gets a little sappy and “Crown of Love”, a song I definitely used to like, really starts the grate. And then we get to “Wake Up”, whose cultural saturation spawned thousands of dorky indie rock outfits that confused layered strings and horns with power and meaning. This song definitely hasn't survived the film trailers and commercials which it so ubiquitously overlayed, but the line about "a million little gods causing rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust" still attacks the part of my brain capable of sincere emotion. This album is probably going to hold the top spot for a while, because although so many elements of Funeral that made it feel so meaningful, that made it stand out so much in 2004, have been seamlessly assimilated into an intellectually and emotionally bankrupt indie pop industrial complex, the album itself still has a genuine vulnerability and bangers that still manage to rip.

#499

Rufus, Chaka Khan - Ask Rufus

Before she became a name in her own right, Chaka Khan was the voice of the band Rufus, and it’s definitely her voice that shines amongst some spritely vibey funk. That’s not to say that these aren’t some jams on their own. “At Midnight” is a banging opener with a sprint to the finish, and although the explicitly named but kinda boring “Slow Screw Against the Wall” feels weak, this wasn’t really supposed to be an album of barn burners. This was something people put on their vinyl record players while they chilled on vinyl furniture after a night of doing cocaine. “Everlasting Love” is a bop with a bassline like a Sega Genesis game, and the twinkling piano on “Hollywood” adds a playful levity to lyrics that are supposed to be both tackily optimistic about making it big out in LA and subtly realistic about the kind of nightmare world showbiz can be. “Better Days” is another track that manages to be a bittersweet jam with a catchy sour saxophone and playful synths under Chaka Khan’s vamping. This album definitely belongs on a ‘chill funk to study and relax to’ playlist.

#498

Suicide - Suicide

We’ve hit the first album that could be rightly called a progenitor for multiple genres that followed it. Someone could say there’s a self-serving element of this being on a Rolling Stone list (the band was one of the first to adopt the label ‘Punk’ after seeing it in a Lester Bangs article) but the album’s legacy is basically indisputable. EBM, industrial, punk, post-punk, new wave, new whatever all have a genealogy that connects to Suicide, and it’s easy to hear the band in everything that followed. But what the band actually is is two guys, one with an electric organ and one with a spooky voice, doing spooky simple riffs and saying spooky simple things. Simplicity is definitely not a dis here. The opener “Ghost Rider” makes a banger out of four notes and one instrument, and the refrain ‘America America is killing its youth’ is really all the lyrical complexity you need to fucking get it. “Cheree” and “Girl” have almost identical lyrics (‘oh baby’ vs ‘oh girl’) but “Cheree” is more like a fairy tale and “Girl” is more like a sonic handjob. “Frankie Teardrop” has the audacity to tell a ten minute story with its lyrics, but of course there is intermittent, actually way too loud screaming breaking up the narrative of a guy who loses everything then kills his family and himself. The song is basically a novelty, and I think you can probably say the whole album is a novelty between its brevity and character. But for a bite sized snack this album casts a huge shadow.

#497

Various Artists - The Indestructible Beat of Soweto

The fact that this particular compilation always ends up in the canon has a lot to do with the cultural context it existed in, being America’s first encounter with South African contemporary music during the decline of apartheid (it wouldn’t end until a decade later in 1994 with the country’s first multi-racial elections). Music journos often bring up the fact Ladysmith Black Mambazo, the all male choir singing on the album ender “Nansi Imali”, sang on Paul Simon’s Graceland like their virtue is they helped Paul Simon get over his depression and not, like, the actual music. But also like, how is the actual music? Jams. Ubiquitous, hooky guitars propel the songs along with bright choruses over low lead vocals, but I didn’t expect the synthesizer on the bop “Qhude Manikiniki”, nor the discordant hoedown violin on “Sobabamba”. “Holotelani” is a groove to walk into the sunset to.

#496

Shakira - Donde Estan los Ladrones

So this is the first head scratcher on the list. It’s not like it sucks. And I think I prefer this 90s guitar pop driven spanish language Shakira to modern superstar Shakira. But I mean, it’s an album of late nineties latin pop minivan music, with a thick syrupy middle that doesn’t do anything for me. The opener and closer stand out though. ‘Ciega, Sordomuda’, one of the biggest pop songs of the 90s (it was #1 on the charts of literally every country in Latin America), has a galloping acoustic guitar and horn hits with Shakira’s vocals at their most percussive.

#495

Boyz II Men - II

So, if you were alive in the 90s you know Boyz II Men were fucking huge, and the worst song on the album is the second track “All Around the World”, basically a love song to their own success, and also the women they’ve banged. You can tell it was written specifically so that the crowd could go fucking wild when they heard their state/city/country mentioned in the song, and I’m not gonna double check but I’m sure they hit all fifty states. Once you’re over that hump though you basically have an hour of songs to fuck to. “U Know” keeps it catchy with propulsive midi guitar and synth horns, “Jezzebel” starts with a skit and ends with a richly layered jazz tune about falling in love on a train, and “On Bended Knee” has a Ragnarok Online type beat. Honestly this album can drag, but you’re not supposed to be listening to it alone in a state of analysis, you’re supposed to have it on during a date that’s going really, really well.

#494

The Ronettes - Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes

A singles compilation of the Ronettes, the only ones I immediately recognized were ‘Be My Baby’ and ‘Going to the Chapel of Love’, the latter of which I didn’t know existed since the version of the song I knew was by the Dixie Cups, which was apparently a source of drama since the Ronettes did it first but producer Phil Spector refused to release it. I feel like as a retro trip to sixties girl groups it’s full of enough songs about breaking up (for example “Breaking Up”) getting back together (for example “Breaking Up”) and wanting to get married but you can’t, because you’re a teenager (“So Young”).

#493

Marvin Gaye - Here, My Dear

This album only exists because Marvin was required by his divorce settlement to make it and provide all of the royalties to his ex-wife and motown executive Anna Gordy Gaye. It’s absolutely bizarre, phoned in mid tempo funk whose lyrics range from the passive aggressive (“This is what you wanted right?”) to the petulant (“Why do I have to pay attorney’s fees?”). There is a seething realness here that crosses well past the border of uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s an amazing album to listen to, but it’s an amazing album to exist: Marvin Gaye is legally obligated to throw his own divorce pity party, and everyone's invited.

#492

Bonnie Raitt - Nick of Time

I have never heard of Bonnie Raitt before but apparently this album won several grammys including album of the year in 1989 and sold 5 million copies, which I guess goes to show that no award provides less long term relevance than the grammys. The story around the album is pretty heartwarming, it was her first massive hit after a career of whiffs, and Bonnie Raitt herself is apparently a social activist and neat human being. I say all this because this sort of 80s country blues rock doesn't really connect with me, but the artist obviously deserves more than that. I unequivocally like the title track though, a hand-clap backed winding electric piano groove about literally finding love before your eggs dry up.

#491

Harry Styles - Fine Line

I do not think I have ever heard a one direction song because I am an adult who only listens to public radio. I’m totally open to pop bands or boy bands or boy band refugee solo artists, but I don’t like anything here. It’s like a mixtape of the worst pop trends of the decade, from glam rock that sounds like it belongs in a car commercial to folky bullshit that sounds like it belongs in a more family focused car commercial. This gets my first DNP (Does Not Place).

#490

Linda Ronstadt - Heart Like a Wheel

Another soft-rock blues and country album which just doesn’t land with me. But the opener “You’re No Good” is like a soul/country hybrid which still goes hard and the title track hits with the lyrics “And it's only love and it's only love / That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out”.

Current Ranking, which is weirdly almost like an inverse of the rolling stones list so far;

#rolling stone #500 greatest albums of all time

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shemakesmusic-uk · 4 years

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Pop artist Nadia Vaeh has dropped her new music video for her powerful track 'Anxiety'. The video reflects on her personal mental health struggles and how she copes with the highs and lows of anxiety. The video shows Nadia alone at home coping with what the real and raw effects of anxiety look and feel like. As an advocate, she hopes her music can inspire people to embrace the conversation of mental health and be a reminder that they are not alone.

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Babeheaven, the project of West Londoners Nancy Andersen and Jamie Travis, share their latest single, 'Craziest Things', along with a video from the award-winning illustrator and animator, Sacha Beeley. The track is taken from the duo’s much anticipated debut album, Home For Now, which will be released on November 20 via AWAL, and follows the singles 'Cassette Beat' and 'Human Nature'. About the track, Nancy said: “On 'Craziest Things', I explore my anxiety and insomnia, not being able to make sense of my emotions and running around in a state of mania.”

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Moscow-based multi-talented avant-pop artist Kate Shilonosova aka Kate NV has just unveiled a video for 'Lu Na', a track taken from her last album Room for the Moon. Drawing from “unlived memories of 70s and 80s Russian and Japanese pop music and film,” the project also comes with vintage and surreal conceptual videos inspired by the shows she was watching as a child. In these new Gina Onegina-directed visuals, she introduces four dancers voguing in pinky cats outfits. “‘Lu Na’ was originally planned as a dance clip consisting mostly of one repetitive loop—simple pattern where cats walk in a square one by one,” she stated. “This pattern was hugely inspired and based on [Samuel] Beckett’s piece Quad which I love. Originally I just wanted the sun to appear slowly behind those cats while they walk. All of the dancers were wonderful, they brought so much life to the characters of those cats!” [via High Clouds]

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Kississippi, the increasingly pop-minded project of the Philadelphia musician Zoe Reynolds, have released a new single, 'Around Your Room'. Kississippi got their start making wispy and hypnotic folk reveries, which opened up into more muscular fare on their debut full-length, 2018’s Sunset Blush. 'Around Your Room' is their most unabashedly pop song yet, a strobing synth that pulls from Lorde’s Melodrama providing the main thrust for Reynolds’ gauzy lyrics about memory and its inexorable pull. Reynolds cowrote 'Around Your Room' with Sarah Tudzin of Illuminati Hotties, according to a tweet from Tudzin. “This song tells a story of yearning and infatuation. It’s about being hopelessly enamored in a way that took me back to my youthful perception of love,” Reynolds said in a statement. “It represents those moments where you’re fully infatuated with someone and they’re all you can think about. I’ve written about love in a cynical manner in the past and this song was written as a reminder of the magic and euphoria that comes with it.” 'Around Your Room' is the lead single from a new Kississippi album due out next year, Reynolds’ first for Triple Crown. Watch director Josh Coll’s video for the song above. [via Stereogum]

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Tank and The Bangas have announced a new EP called Friend Goals. Due out November 20 via Verve Forecast, the six-track, guest-heavy release is being previewed with the track 'Self Care'. The New Orleans-based group are known for their collaborative habits, having this year teamed with the likes of Jacob Collier and Fantastic Negrito. Friend Goals, as the title might suggest, brings together a number of artists Tank and The Bangas have befriended over their career. The follow-up to last year’s Green Balloon LP features guests like CHIKA ('Mr. Insta'), Duckwrth ('Fluff'), PJ Morton ('TSA'), and Pell on the title track. Lead single 'Self Care' actually touts three collaborators: Jaime Woods, Orleans Big, and Anjelika “Jelly” Joseph. The track itself is exactly what we need in 2020, an ode to being with yourself and being damn okay with it. “Chillin’ all by myself/ Netflix, eatin’, cheatin’, by myself, all by myself,” Tarriona “Tank” Ball spits, clearly enjoying her alone time. “Nobody else/ New people to the left/ What is there left but myself?” “‘Self Care’ is THE quarantine song to get you moving,” Ball said in a statement. “It shows that some of the best things can come out from solitude, especially when the beat hits this hard.” Take a listen above via the song’s Fat Happy Media-directed video. [via CoS]

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New Zealand’s platinum sensation BENEE unveils the official video for her latest single 'Snail'. For the visual, BENEE and director Anita Fontaine deliver a lush and larger-than-life fantasy befitting of the track. In the colorful clip, BENEE wakes up to feed her giant snail roommates and slides around their slime trails before heading to work in her secret elf lab. Soon, she’s cycling out of her home—a concrete replica of her own head—out into a storm. After being struck by lightning, our heroine turns into an elf and cruises through a mushroom wonderland under the glow of an aurora borealis-style blanket of colors across the sky. Reflective of her personality, it pops off as her biggest and boldest video to date. Of the inspiration behind the video, BENEE says, “I knew I wanted the vid to be a weird fantasy story involving snails! I said to Anita that I wanted to be an elf with long braids riding a bike and have giant mushrooms somewhere in the vid...She came back with the treatment, and I loved ittttttt! Her imagination is supa whacky in the best way, and I’m so happy with how ‘Snail’ turned out!”

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Bebe Rexha has returned with her new anthem 'Baby, I'm Jealous', which features Doja Cat. 'Baby, I'm Jealous' is Bebe Rexha's first single of 2020, following on from last year's Maleficent: Mistress of Evil track 'You Can't Stop The Girl'. The new track marks the debut collaboration between Bebe Rexha and Doja Cat, and is accompanied by a Hannah Lux Davis-directed visual that stars Charli D’Amelio, Nikita Dragun, and Avani Gregg. Bebe Rexha says the new single is "about embracing my insecurities", and adds, "It’s about the way social media has heightened my jealousy which can affect how I feel about myself. We are constantly flooded with the highlights of other people’s lives, and at times I find myself comparing my worth and beauty to others. It’s part of the human process to experience jealousy - ultimately, this is an anthem to embrace those feelings as a form of empowerment." [via Line Of Best Fit]

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Making her grand return to the scene with a striking new single is Brighton-hailed singer Fable, with her new tune 'Thirsty'. With otherworldly tones and harmonising vocals, the singer serves us with a sumptuous genre-bending tune that has us headbanging at every chorus. Known for her bold and atmospheric sonics, the singer accompanies the song with an attention-grabbing video with juxtaposing images of ethereal nature and mental destruction. Speaking on the single, the singer said, “'Thirsty' is about taking the beauty of life for granted. How overtime we write off profound stuff as mundane because it’s a constant; the sky’s always there, but it’s weird and beautiful that we even exist under it. It’s playful at heart but it’s about my realised depression and learning how to reset my perspective through mindfulness,” Having disappeared from the scene back in 2016 due to a personal tragedy, the singer has reconnected to her artistic side and is ready to step back into the spotlight. [via Wonderland]

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With the enticing line-up of Joe Lonie (Supergroove), Milan Borich (Pluto), Jol Mulholland (The Reduction Agents) and Morgan Leary (Cindy), Tāmaki Makaurau supergroup Kathy Bates Motel share their latest ear worm 'Cool Your Heels'. The class act's second single, following up debut track 'Damaged Goods', is dangerously catchy, with killer harmonies from vocalists Lonie and Leary. 'Cool Your Heels' will have you moving your feet and hankering for a dance, a need so perfectly met by the Footloose inspired, Joe Lonie directed visuals. Everybody cut foot loose, the weekend and 'Cool Your Heels' have arrived. [via Under The Radar]

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Up-and-comers Wargasm recently dropped their fifth single, ‘Backyard Bastards’, and now they’ve released a video to go with it. Shot and edited by Olli Appleyard, the video sees sees Sam Matlock (guitar, vocals) hunting down Ryan Cornall (session drummer) on a manic murder spree that finds its peak in an epic showdown between the two, all the while being cheered on by Milkie Way (bass, vocals) and her dancer squad. You can check out the video for ‘Backyard Bastards’ above. [via Dead Press]

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Atlanta-based glam punk rockers Starbenders have released an energetic and evocative music video for their new single 'Can’t Cheat Time' off most recent album Love Potions. 'Can’t Cheat Time' is available now as part of a bundle featuring the original single and an acoustic version. 'Can’t Cheat Time' perfectly pairs frontwoman Kimi Shelter‘s incredible vocal shapeshifting abilities with electrocuted guitars and heart-pounding rhythm for this stand out rock ‘n’ roll anthem. Speaking to the inspiration for the single’s music video, Shelter adds: “‘Can’t Cheat Time’ is a personal favorite amongst the band. This single has a wicked string arrangement reminiscent of Jeff Lynne from ELO’s production style. It was so rewarding hearing all of it come together with the live string players. The accompanying music video is a love letter to the mom and pop businesses that have shaped and supported our very existence. These businesses along with the touring industry have been devastated by the pandemic. We filmed in locations around Atlanta which include the local greasy spoon diner, the record shop, the independent guitar store, the watering hole, and the divey small music venue. While mega-retailers did not close down for even one day, 60% of small to medium-sized businesses in the USA that closed will never reopen. These places are vital to the social and economic health of our cities. We encourage our friends to go to saveourstages.com. Sign up to push legislators to help independent venues though the updated Heroes Act. So many are hurting and on the verge of financial ruin from lighting to sound engineers, musicians, DJs, security, bar staff and venue operators. Our hearts are with you all.“ [via The Girls At The Rock Show]

#videos of the week #nadia vaeh #babeheaven #kate nv #kississippi #tank and the bangas #benee #bebe rexha #doja cat #fable #kathy bates motel #wargasm #starbenders

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mytcisanartteacher · 4 years

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The only thing that keeps me alive this whole quarantine is dreaming about my TC. Ever since school got out, I've been dreaming about him. Not in a sexual way, like in a way he's just there in my dream. Not only that but I also had dreams that I was back in school too.

Dream 1) I was at school, except it was just me at first, all the teachers was gone except him. I was in the cafeteria, then the whole senior class was there. Maybe it was the senior lockdown. Anyway, I hung out with this group of people that I don't hang out with. Since I'm just that loner irl, these people would never hang out with me. So, we played board games, danced to music or whatever, did some games in the gym. Then this guy I really hate in my grade decided to grope me. He groped my ass in my dream. Why the hell would I dream about this? Maybe to have a decision to kick his ass and beat the living shit out of him. Gosh it was a good dream. Then my tc came over to see the commotion and asked me what happened. I told him, then he sent the idiot home for the rest of the night. He asked me if I was ok, "yep, because I finally threw hands at him. I've always wanted to beat him up. He is the worst"

I really hate this dude in my class, he always has the AUDACITY to talk to me. When I broke up with my ex, I couldn't believe he asked me if I was seeing anyone. Like shit! I really wanted to slap him.

Dream 2) This dream was taken place in a different school, the boys and girls varsity basketball teams were there too and he coahced them. Anyway, I was sitting in the bleachers and decided to go change into comfy shorts and sweater. Suddenly this weird guy stopped me and handed me wads of money.

It was weird. Then he said he was an old teacher I had (btw, before I had this dream I was discussing to my ma about contacting my teachers from other schools to send them an invite to my graduation) then he walked away. Anyway I went to the room and changed and then grabbed my 3Ds. (You know how they say you can't see the screens of electronics or the time in your dreams? Is it weird that I think I can?) I walked back to the gym and saw my tc leading the group stretch. I sat down and played some minecraft on my 3Ds. (Yeah my dreams are weird) then some guy joined my server and claimed to be my old teacher. I freaked out because how the heck can he do this? Then he started being weird so I told him to leave, then he got angry and hacked everything on my 3Ds.

Like a weird hack, not like controlling or taking over you but like making you add these other players (who were his buddies) and messing everything up in my world. So then I shut the 3Ds, left the school and went home. Once I was there I told my mom and dad. Then I said he was coming. So we geared up TO KILL HIM! There was a red truck there and I guess my dad in the dream owned it. Once he came, he attacked me and that was when my awesome mom beat him with the hammer!

NEXT THING IS cops come and WE ALL get in the cars and leave! (These dreams are also similar to the games I play, Need For Speed, Minecraft, Warface) then it transitions to me leaving on a motorcycle, but my tc was the one driving it and I was on the back of it! Next thing is that we crashed the motorcycle and went inside this type of store. I hid in a closet, then the POV changed to him. He went in the bathroom and there was a lady in there, so he went back out and went behind the curtains next to the bathroom door. Still in his POV, two cops came in asking where we were. Someone pointed to the bathroom door, they checked, nothing, and left. Then that was it if this dream.

Dream 3) this one I had just now because I woke up from a nap. I was at school, except it was completely different. I went to my first period athletic conditioning and I think the sub told me I can do the just dance as an exercise in which idk why. I was in a weird mat room but the mats were red and it was much longer, a rectangular room. Then he comes in and asks why I'm not doing anything (very typical of him) then I said I was injured.

(In which I am right now because I did something stupid outside and now I have a bruised and scraped right hip 😬)

Then he offers to help me. Then I was in his car and then his mom was in the front seat.

(Funny story before I go on, it was donut day in yearbook class, after athletic conditioning he told me that he wants me to go to his car and grab the treats he bought. The thing is, he never told me what his car looked like.... he told me if I knew what car it is. Obviously I said yes. Once I grabbed the treats he came over to grab the drinks. He needed his keys so I gave it to him... but we brushed finger tips 😯 omg)

Then I guess I fell asleep in the back if his car. Next thing is that we pull up to his house, he notices I'm like deep sleeping and PICKS ME UP BRIDAL STYLE AND CARRIES ME IN. He drops me on the couch and talks with his mom. I wake up, and then his mom is like, "ok well I better go, get well soon *name*. Be safe guys." And left.

Be SAFE GUYS. SAFE.

Then he walks over to the couch and checks up on me, checking my wound on MY HIP!!! Then it was like that cliche romance scene where they look at each other in the eyes and lips, and then lean in closer to each other slowly and KISSS.

BUT MY MOM WOKE ME UP ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF SOUP I WANTED WITH MY PANINI........

Ok so that was one dream that I had of him in a sexual way. But it was turning into kissing!

Last dream) It was like a wrestling state tournament. Every school was there with every student. Which is weird. So, I was there on the floor trying to find him. The choir was standing there (but then there was also more people in choir than they were at my school) I asked if he was there, he wasnt. Then we sang the anthem in which I do not care about in my dream and walked up to the stands to find him. When it was over I saw the other assistant coaches (in which I also had a little tiny crush on) and asked them where he was! Nowhere to be found! So I grabbed my siblings and left in a car to go to the other place in which I do not know of. then THAT IDIOT DUDE IN MY CLASS IS IN MY DREAM TOO so I had to sit next to him! It was gross!!!! His freaking hand was inching towards my body and before he was any closer I OPENED THE DOOR AND THREW HIM OUT as the car was moving. Next thing I know I am alone in the car with my tc. We're just driving, talking, singing. Told me that I'm brave for sticking up to myself to that idiot for two dreams. Then I woke up confused as to why this was happening.

"Super proud of you to be brave and stick up to him in your two dreams!" He said.

....

I know right!

Alright well, thats it. That is all I can remember of all the dreams I had of him since school got out. Have a wonderful time alone in a house, with nothing to do...

#art teacher crush #tcc #tcc blog #teacher crush community #tcc feelings #tcc love #tcc art #tcc update #tcc fandom

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darkspellmaster · 6 years

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E3 2018 Microsoft’s Press Conference thoughts

Then we got Microsoft…

Whoa…On the one hand I was impressed with the number of games, on the other hand…most were games that were coming to other systems and, while I liked the rapid fire way of doing things, I really felt that they should have given time for a few of these so we knew who was making them. The few presenters that we got did a fairly good job of handling the situation.

Regarding the games I was kind of surprised by the choices there, although some have me thinking we’re going to see more online game set ups for these.

Halo Infinite to me seemed rather large for a traditional Halo game, and, while the trailer looks amazing, I have to wonder if this, like Anthem, and Fallout 76 is going to be an online game. Although we’re told that Master Chief is involved, so it’s up in the air if this will be a GAAS game, or a large open world First Person Shooter. Although, given the situation with Fallout 76 and the turn a lot of game companies are doing to have their own, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was one.

Ori and the Will of the Whips looked amazing to see and I was really happy to see it. The fact that we see it growing the story from the beginning. It just looks really pretty and strong for a platformer. Not much to say other then Pretty. Something about the Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, while looking really interesting, has me less interested in it, but given it’s From Soft, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this turn out to be very Dark Souls like. I was interested in exactly why he’s not dying. Of course it’s From Soft so I’m not not expecting some really dark themes in this game about death and the main being a living dead creature possessed by the death gods for some reason or another. Though the monsters in this look really unpleasant. Probably will end up with Ghost of Tsushima over this one, but I know From Soft fans will be getting this.

Todd Howard came out and talked up Fallout 76, which later got revealed to be an online game, so any interest I had over the idea of this game being something that won’t have weirdos being jerks, got thrown out the window. The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit was okay. LiS wasn’t my cup of tea given the whole thing with the endings and that you couldn’t help everyone involved and the prequel never really amazed me either, so this one is low on my radar. Though the animations look a lot smoother than in the first game. Of course we had a Crackdown 3, no surprise there and not much to add on that.

Metro Exodus is intriguing given the location and story it’s telling. I’m going to take a wait and see set on this one as the original stories that the Metro series is based on is really interesting to me from a writing perspective.

The big one was Kingdom Hearts 3, and the surprise twist at the end with Aqua. Although I don’t totally buy that this is Aqua. One thing that got to me was the missing sound effects, and some of the voices, particularly Elsa’s as I don’t know if that’s Idina Menzel or not voicing her, but that is Kristian Bell and Josh Gad voicing Anna and Olaf. One thing of surprise is the fact that Xbox got to premier this over Sony or Square Enix themselves at E3 this year. Also we got the song now that will be the theme of this, and we got to see Lee and Kairie watching the sun, which makes me think that they may play a part in this…at least I hope they do.

Racing game Forza Horizon 4 looks really nice again. Not really surprised by this, and while I would love to play a driving simulation game, really not in the mood to be dealing with a racing game for me.

Now onto something that has me unnerved. Okay so I’m not against the idea of a studio being acquired by a publisher/Manufacture. The issue for me though is that Microsoft is not one that plays fair with their games, and tends to dictate things to the creative teams, less so than EA on it’s own Triple A games, but more so than EA does on it’s idies. What does this mean? Well given that they now have what Sony has with it’s World Wide studios deal, probably, with the Initiative, I really am worried that more games will have to follow a set look or style for Microsoft if they’re under their blanket. That’s not even the fact that they’ve acquired, Undead Labs, Playground Games, Ninja Theory, and Compulsion Games.

On the one hand, it’s good for the studios because hey that’s money for them. On the other hand the pull back from creativity and only having it on one system, especially for smaller studios, and particularly Microsoft, it can become a problem over time if those games don’t sell well on that system. Games like NT build that won’t be an issue since a good number of them are more action oriented hack and slash, or dramatic types. But studios like Compulsion which is making We Happy Few this could be a bit bad as Microsoft can be notorious for shuttering companies that don’t produce enough in sales, similar to EA but not as badly. Certain games would, I think, work better on the PS and Switch as both systems tend to have higher numbers, but also both would be good to push a higher number of sales. My main worry with this is that that studios like NT, for example, just got off a strong game after the crash that was DmC, and the issues that came out of that…and let’s be honest Capcom through them under the bus. Given the issues also with recent game, mind it was a well made story, and the bugs either having this deal will help them…or force them to reconsider what they’re doing there. Let’s hope it’s not the later for these companies because we don’t need more shuddered studios.

The Division 2 looks interesting, but it also seems to be an online game. My main issue so far is the story for two big things. 1. The idea that the small pox can be transmitted via dollars seems really weird, and 2, and more importantly, the fall down of the whole system. Unless the state of Virginia and Maryland were blocked off and that area quarantined, the whole thing with the lawlessness doesn’t hold water. You have the CDC, that’s out of Washington DC, that would be on that case like a bad case of the hives, and that’s not to mention you also have Camp David and other locations that the President and congress can go to run things and get things under control. Thirdly, when you have a crisis of this nature, as we’ve seen, people tend to try to help one another. So I have a hard time believing that people would become this lawless and insane. Unless this is some underground militant group it’s hard to see this story holding water. At least it looks better than the first game.

Laura’s back in Shadow of the Tomb Raider, and…I have mix feelings. While style wise the game looks very lovely, the colors of the jungle stand out and the story seems to have an interesting idea going on. The game play…is…uninspired. I get that the whole idea is to make Laura out to be badass, but come on, can we please try to show more of the puzzles and less of the killing of random baddies? Also another end of the world story? Really? Come on Crystal Dynamics; give me something more inspired in your overall story telling than that. Please.

Session…pretty much Skate 4. Nice designs but I don’t do well on these games and they’re not normally a game I would play…so not much to say on this.

Devil May Cry 5, on the other hand I have a lot to say about. Let’s start with….holy crap! How did they keep this under wraps! Seriously, I’m kind of surprised the DMC community didn’t dig this out while it was being made. So Capcom may finally be paying attention to what players have been requesting. As for the Trailer, I will say this much, I was at first thinking Nero was DmC Dante, with the haircut. However, fans did get some clues given that Ruben, Johnny and Daniel were tweeting clues that something was going down. So Nero’s over all look, again mixed feelings, I like that the shorter hair gives him his own look outside of Dante’s longer hair look, and makes him stand out more, and the story about the missing arm is going to be something different. Certainly, they’re trying to keep both sides happy giving a slightly darker edge to him, but there’s still the wise cracks going on, which is nice. Nero wasn’t the one that gives a lot of jokes. I will say I should have known it was him given Red Queen.

Nico, I’m pretty sure she’s going to be related to Nina, Dante’s arm’s dealer. Though the connections will have to come in time, but I really like her and I hope she sticks around. Dante’s sudden appearance was a pleasure, and…well he’s riding what looks like a devils arm, so I’m not sure when this story is coming from…though he apparently was missing so, probably after 2. What I want to know is if that’s Vergil as the third character on the cover image. Please let it be Vergil…Please Capcom!

Cuphead DLC: Yay we get to play as Ms. Chalice! That is all!

Jump Force is weird. Okay so I realize that this is going to be a Weekly Shonen Jump game with characters from all sorts of series (and how the hell do you fight Light given his attack would probably an instant kill, given the book and all that) and that the story is going to be all sorts of Camp. While I’m really excited, I’m also worried that it’s going to be something that only Weekly fans will like and people will be annoyed that various characters won’t be in there. For example, are we going to include a JoJo character? Will you have older characters from Japan that fans may not know about, or are we sticking only with American based characters? Like, yes we have Goku, and I’m sure we’ll have My Hero characters in there and Bleach, but are they going to put in Claymore? Kenshin? Allen Walker? The Leads from Claymore? New characters from the newer series that just recently came out? How do they determine who comes in…and more importantly, if Gintama is in there…do I get to break the fourth wall with him? Also can I play as L since you have freaking Light in there? Is L or Near the head of the good guy side? Are we getting female lead characters too, like the ladies of Claymore? I’m just worried this is going to be another Jump Brawl with the same characters as before.

No comment on Dying Light 2 other then, oh look Troy in another game.

BattleToads surprised me though, and I have to wonder if it’s going to be on all systems since the characters were on Nintendo when they first came out. I would think that Switch would get this too given the fact that it’s clearly going to be more of a platform game.

Just Cause 4, alright…so we’re going to Venez…I mean an unknown country in South America. I mean…it’s another Just Cause game. Not much to add here. Nice Trailer?

Gears of War came out with something funny with the Pop version, which I think could be fun to play for people like myself who couldn’t care less about the original Gears series. I will say this much It’s nice to see so many colors in 5’s trailer. This is a departure from what Gears 1 was like and seeing the characters have become far more mature and more like dad’s to our new female lead. Gears of Dad? Actually I kind of like this trend that games are taking with the idea of the insane killer male lead becoming a more mature father figure for the younger character. It shows not only how the company has grown, it also shows how gamers have grown in general. I mean a lot of the Gears fans are now, in some cases, parents of their own and they could understand that worry that the team has for their youngest member and the parental fear that they’re going to face. It’s a nice change. In addition, Gears Tactics could be a useful deal for those who abandon C&C given the mobile game.

So we have a new Xbox being worked on…Grand….Okay….Does that mean another new freaking OS Microsoft? Am I going to have to do a new one of those? Also where’s your Holo thing? Have you abandoned that?

Nier Automata getting on Xbox. I’m expecting them to be also working on an edition for the Switch as well. This really isn’t surprising at all. I was actually waiting to see that release because I have a friend who refused to buy a PS4 to play it even though he loves the game’s director and creator.

Several Collections and Expansions were announced including the whole thing of Sea of Thieves, a New MMORPG –which I can’t remember the name of, Halo –Master Chief Collection (running that thing down to the ground aren’t we MS).

Tunic looks cute, but I have to wonder if it will sell well on this system or work better on the PC for them.

As for We Happy Few…what the hell happened there? This game has changed, dramatically. From what I can remember it was supposed to be more Bioshock like, but now we have a very trippy sort of dramatic story going on. I couldn’t really tell how you play because the trailer didn’t seem to indicate if it was a “hit the crazy people” or more a Tell Tale like story driven adventure game. I’m really confused as to what the whole mystery is or who we are. Are we the guy in the trailer, the woman, or someone else? How did this happen? Who’s behind this? The latter questions are fine to have, but the trailer leaves a lot of confusion as to what this game really is, and it’s kind of disappointing for someone who was hoping for more of a Bioshock experience. On the other hand the game goes boast some lovely visuals, so I’ll give them that.

Then there’s Tales of Vesperia, which is an updated version of the game, and is coming to all systems so I guess Microsoft paid to get the trailer. I’m going to be playing it on the Switch when it comes to that.

Lastly CD Project Red’s Cyberpunk 2077. I don’t really know what to say about it. While it boasts a great deal of visually arresting art, I’m not feeling it. Maybe it’s because when I hear Cyberpunk I’m looking for something different and we’re seeing a sort of Mix of Blade Runner here, and I wish people would knock that off. I get that a lot of people have connections to that series, and love it, but maybe I was hoping for something ala System Shock or maybe something along the lines of Watchdogs –but how it was supposed to be played with you using your phone to act as a trapping device vs. actively shooting and driving around Chicago. Visually it looks nice, but honestly, the world of Good and Evil looks more interesting to me. I hope that Cyberpunk 2077 does well, but I’ll probably watch someone play it rather than me struggle with it. Over all I thought they did a good job, honestly other then Ubisoft, I thought they did the best physically presenting things. So probably a solid B+ from me.

#microsoft #xbox one #microsoft e3 #e3 2018 #Halo #cyberpunk 2077 #tales series #we happy few #sea of theives #jump force #gears of war 5 #battletoads #the division #devil may cry 5 #kingdom hearts 3 #shadow of the tomb raider #cuphead #ms. chalice

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tarpsybaby · 3 years

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The Best Albums of 2020

What can I say about 2020 that hasn't already been said a hundred times before? Yes, I have learned many things throughout the last 365 days, but one thing that I have always known, but have now emphatically proven this year is that - "Music (really) IS Life".

When the world outside is as dark as it has ever been, I know that I can always put on my headphones to escape from the sheer madness of it all for a little while, and feel completely comfortable and peaceful within the walls of my own mind.

Though your experience has been undeniably different, these are my life defining albums from the year that was 2020. I hope that you are inclined enough to share YOUR favorites and your reasons for being so.

Happy New Year, my MUSIC friends.

31 - Lil Wayne - Funeral

This was the first album that I had added to the "Best of" list back in very early January. Back before the everlovin' shit hit the fan in the world! I loved the first half of the album so much that it was constantly on repeat, though it certainly isn't Wayne's best album. The insanely fun and erratic tracks "Mahogany" and "Mama Mia" may very well be some of my all time favorite beats of the last decade. Especially in a time where the greater majority of modern rap production sounds exactly the same, with little focus on the beats. As the year continued on and I listened to hundreds of albums, Funeral didn't hold up quite as much as I would have thought. With 24 tracks and a runtime of an hour and sixteen minutes, the album is one that goes on well after the juice has run out. The first half is compiled so well though, that I still consider it one of the best, and I’d already written the review before I counted my “Best Of”. Hence the extra album review this year! ;)

30 - Lapsley - Through Water

This album was recommended to me from my boss when we were all first working from home in the height of the pandemic. Immediately I knew it would have a home on one of my most favorite playlists that I have been building for the last decade. The playlist is called my "H20 Mixologist" mix and if you've ever been with me at the beach, you already know that the only rules for this playlist are that it must be played by water. Preferably a beautiful ocean, though a bathtub and a healthy dose of imagination will work just fine! This album came out right around the time when we weren't afraid to stay inside quite as much and we were no longer opposed to going to our neighborhood pool as a break from our own four walls. This album will forever remind me of the truest and most pure joys of sunshine, fresh air, and the freedom one feels when outside surrounded by nature.

29 - Tame Impala - The Slow Rush

I have always loved me some Tame Impala, and this is certainly not Kevin Parker's best album to date... but even the most average material, is still some of the strongest of the year overall. Still bringing the same consistent level of dreamlike alternative pop melodies that Tame Impala has been known for in the last decade, it is an album to easily get lost in... and that was beyond helpful this year.

28 - Car Seat Headrest - Making A Door Less Open

I have been an excited fan of Car Seat Headrest since I first head "Teens of Style" back in 2015 after I had just moved to Florida. As the years have gone on and more albums have been released, I love the band even more. I've been saying for years that Will Toledo is the ‘Beck’ that I have always wanted the real Beck to be, but has never fully become. The single "Can't Cool Me Down" is singlehandedly one of the best tracks of the year, by far! Led by the most basic bass riff that fully drives the song forward, its those little odd and eccentric instruments used for accent that really hit when you are listening through a really good pair of headphones! In a year where the outros on songs have been more prevalent in any years that I've ever noticed before, this was the first mind bending outro to fully grab my attention. An absolute must listen and a significant album to add to the bands catalog!

27 - Fontaines DC - A Hero’s Death

This is the first of the albums on my list that had been suggested to me through one of my Twitter music friends, and there have been quite a few of these suggestions this year, which makes me incredibly happy - as that was the whole idea of the account! There was a genuine buzz around the sophomore album from this Dublin band that I had started to notice online, and I was excited to see what all the fuss was all about. Immediately I was drawn into the sullen voice of Grian Chatten after watching the video for “Televised Mind”. “A Hero’s Death stands out significantly for me after listening to their first album, but I love the significant growth that happened in the year in between. This is a band that I am very curious to see how they continue to grow in future years.

26 - Mac Miller - Circles

I was one of those people who discovered Mac Miller too late. Young Frankie got me into him, as he always had Mac playing throughout our house. One day, I simply decided to start at the very beginning of his discography. I fell in love with his energy, his humor, & his blunt honesty about his battles with depression and addiction. Listening to "Blue Slide Park" for the first time made me feel like I was in college again. It would have been my favorite album had it come out at that time in my life. For some, it did & I envy you all for that. With all my love for him, listening to Mac can be painful when you sit and listen in chronological order You can hear actually him deteriorate over the years, much like Jim Morrison with The Doors albums in chronological order. As honest and sincere as this final record is, it is incredibly sad to listen to Mac on "Circles" when you know there will never be a follow up. Sadly the album does serve as a beautiful bookend to a tragically short story.

25 - The Strokes - The New Abnormal

I've been a huge fan of Julien Casablancas and everything he has done for years, especially his most recent work with The Voidz. However, the thought of a new Stokes album brought about some nostalgia for younger years when they were at their peak. From the first listen, everything about this album sounds as catchy and familiar, just what we have always come to expect from The Stokes, but at the same time, new. You hear one lick from Hammond Jr's guitar and you know exactly who you are listening to. Even with seven years off, they are still capable of producing some serious quality work and it makes for some of their best.

24 - Phil Campbell & The Bastard Sons - We're the Bastards

This album was one of my accidental finds on Apple Music one day early in December when I thought all odds of discovering any new music before the end of the year was impossible. Considering Campbell is the lead guitarist of Motorhead, I was expecting something a little different, perhaps a little harder? What I found was a solid family band rock album! I love the idea that Phil has created a band with his three sons, on all instrumental duties. The lead front man of Attack! Attack, Neil Starr, lends his vocals, and sounds a lot like a cross breed of Corey Taylor and Jacoby Shaddix that I actually find quite endearing, considering I am a fan of both of their bands respectively. At a time where rock music seems to be something that you have to dig deep for, this was a fresh album to get very excited about.

23 - Run The Jewels - RTJ4

Run The Jewels has been one of my favorite hip hip groups in recent years, as they have always created what I call "smart rap". Smart rap has something to say ...it makes you listen, but more so - it makes you THINK. RTJ4 came out at EXACTLY when the world needed the album and words as an anthem. Much more than just music, the lyrics in "Walking in the Snow" seemed prophetic at the time in the death of George Lloyd. Looking back on it, the lyrics weren't prophetic at all. Tragedies like George Floyd just happen FAR TO FUCKING OFTEN. If you haven't listened to this album in its entirety, you need to... and you need to make sure you listen to every single syllable of every single word.

22 - PVRIS - Use Me

Later on this list, you will hear me talk about the rash of female fronted bands that came out in the last few years that were never able to fully separate themselves from each other in my eyes. PVRIS is one of the female fronted bands that I have always had an affinity for. With that being said, this album was a complete change up of sounds than albums prior. Much more dance-y and poppy than anything from their past, though it does work well. You will later see another band on this list who were able to steal the higher place, just for being more authentic and true to themselves. Stay tuned!

21 - Johan Johannsson - Last and First Men

I definitely experienced many moods during quarantine and this album set off a rabbit hole in which I thoroughly enjoyed traveling through, as well as looking forward to continuing down. I highly suggest everyone starts looking into Icelandic composers, especially Johann Johannsson. His tragic story is just that, but his beautifully haunting music is still very much alive. Not only is "Last and First Men" an audiophiles dream from start to finish, learning that Johannsson scored one of my favorite movies of all times "Arrival", made complete and perfect sense. Total mood music, and sometimes that mood just happens to be fucking apocalyptic. Especially this year.

20 - Pearl Jam - Gigaton

I'll just put this out there, Pearl Jam lost me as a fan for a great many years. If I am being candid, and I always am - they lost me after Vs. When the single "Dance of the Clairvoyant's" was released, I was blown away that somehow they were still putting out great music and I had to go back through the entire catalog to see what I had really been missing since Vitology, when I had officially decided that I didn't like the softer route the band was taking. Man, have I been wrong for far too long and am happy to admit it. What an actual EPIC band! No real bullshit in their history, just a bunch of really good dudes making solid music for 30 years. If you are like me at all, this is the album that you need to check out immediately. Pearl Jam are back, even though they never really left!

19 - Yves Tumor - Heaven To A Tortured Mind

This has to be one of the coolest, most trippy and adventurous albums of the year in my opinion. This is yet another one, that came out at height of COVID and I loved it instantly the dark & twisted imagery that it can conjure up, while still being soulful and new. "Gospel For A New Century" was the song and video that really gave this album some definitive visuals to work with, as Tumor wears some seriously creepy horns, reminding me of the devil in the Tom Cruise movie "Legend" from back in the 80's. An absolutely intriguing album and one to revisit many times over, as there is nothing else like it being made today. 1

18 - Agoria - Lucky: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

I can't even remember how I found this little treat, but I did! I've tried to find the movie that its attached to many times, and have been quite unsuccessful so far. With that being said, this is an insanely fun little electronic soundtrack. "Visit", "Satan", "All Over You", and "Police" are standout tracks from an album that brings electronic tribal percussion to your ears that is capable of making you dance in your seat. After listening to this album repeatedly throughout the year, it makes me want to hire Agoria to score all of the most adventurous scenes of my life!

17 - Eminem - Music To Be Murdered By

Two surprise albums by Eminem in 2020, and that isn't always a good thing. It doesn't matter who is reviewing anymore, everyone seems to hate Eminem now a days. Not sure why, as he IS the lyrical genius he has always been... even if you still aren't in on the joke. Sure, he is just as offensive as always, but everyone has that friend that gets booed and yelled at for being the one to make a joke "too soon". After listening to Eminem for the last 22 years and being from metro Detroit, he has always been that friend to me, even though he will never know it! The two surprise albums this year were significantly better than anything since MMLP2, and the lack of beats and production from Kamikaze and Revival are all but forgotten here . We finally had some new slick beats, the kind that work very well with Em's style. Deny it all you want, Marshall Mathers is still relevant today.

16 - Kid Cudi - Man On The Moon 3

I knew that new music was coming from Cudi, but thought it was expected to be in the new year. However, I woke up on release day in late December with a text message from Apple Music saying that it was here. What?! I have always loved some Cudi, but this has been the year where he has played more of a soundtrack than ever before & had already made it into my all time favorites. At first listen to MOTM3, I realized that it was going to need a few listens to really soak it all up, so I kept at it all day. I read many critic and personal reviews and everyone seemed to be loving it, but why wasn't I? I kept at it, for days and days... and it worked. I will say there is certainly more modern trap music than I like from my Cudi, but if he has to integrate it in his music, he does it well enough. "Tequila Shots" is the stand out that has had the most airplay in our house, as it is the most quintessential Cudi sounding on the whole album. The autobiographical "Elsie's Baby Boy" is another track that we've had on constant rotation. All it takes is a Cudi hum, and I am sold.

15 - HAIM - Women In Music Pt. III

As I slightly eluded to back in my PVRIS review, I have never been a huge fan of all female bands, mainly as most came out at a time where there was a rash flooding of all female bands. Obviously, I have nothing against this, as long as they all don't sound the same! HAIM hadn't caught me until this album, but wow. The harmonies on "Darling" , Up From A Dream", "Don't Wanna", and "Leaning On You" are so flawless that this band finally got the recognition from me that they deserve. This album sets the band apart from the rest of the pack, as well as themselves! Leaps above PVRIS, CVRCHES, Soccer Mommy, and the rest - this is the best female band fronted album for me in years.

14 - Bassnectar - The Lockdown Mixtapes Pt: 1 - Inside For The People

The better part of 2020 quarantine was spent in extreme close proximity with family while trying to hold down different non-negotiable responsibilities. On my part, this usually included Air Pods in my ears any time I had to "be on" and work from home. Early on, it was impossible not to feel a little trapped and frankly pretty fucking sad. This album came out at precisely the right time of quarantine to bring you out of the funk, even if only temporary! Listening to this for the first time, and hearing Biggie's voice come to life behind the beats was a smack in the face of 90's nostalgia that is was comforting... and something that I didn't even know I needed at the time. The use of the "American Beauty" dialogue in the outro was also oh so nice, and perfectly placed at the end. It was unfortunate that the second Lockdown Mixtape came nowhere close to this first installment. This is a must though, and it will always be an integral album to pull out whenever I am feeling a little claustrophobic.

13 - Gorillaz - Song Machine, Season I: Strange Timez

One of my all time favorite bands for the last twenty years, even though they have missed the mark in the past. This album brings back a lot of the sounds and creativity sparks that have been missing the last few albums. The moment you hear Robert Smith's voice start torture crooning about Strange Timez, with a Damon Albarn echo, you know you're going to be in for a fun trip. The Schoolboy Q featured "Pac Man" is without a doubt the most authentic Gorillaz song recorded in years. This has also been the most cohesive complete album they have produced since Plastic Beach. Paying attention to the recipe that made them one of the best, is a good way to move forward. More of the same please, Damon.

12 - Creeper - Sex , Death, & the Infinite Void

This album was recommended to me by a friend on Twitter & I was a little shocked on how much it reminded me of some of the pop, punk, emo , alt rock bands that came out of the 2000's. More specifically, My Chemical Romance, and I mean that in the best way. I have often found myself loving some sort of incredible theatrics with my music and this album truly has more black eyeliner than I do. Categorized as English Horror Punk, this sophomore effort by Creeper has rock opera written all over it. The intro had me a little skeptical on first listen, but once you settle in with "Be My End" you start to have a feel of where you are going and it isn't as scary as a first impulse indicate!

11 - Smith & Myers - Volume 1 & 2

One of my absolute favorite discoveries of 2020! I have always been a fan of Shinedown & have some incredible memories of seeing them live at Rock on the Range years ago - so I was incredibly happy to discover this stripped down side project that only features vocalist Brent Smith and lead guitar Zach Myers performing acoustic covers. Songs like "Unchained Melody" are done so perfectly, the sound like they were initially written for Smith's voice, which is a national treasure in itself! My absolute favorite cover off both volumes is "Valerie", most famously covered by Amy Winehouse, though originally written and performed by The Zutons. i dare you to sing along to this cover and NOT smile. The rest? See for yourself. 1

10 - Marcus King - El Dorado

Early in the year, I saw a few friends had been listening to this album on Apple Music. I had to check it out and immediately loved how different it was for a new country rock and blues album. I was not shocked to discover that Dan Auerbach from The Black Keys played an integral part of its creation. If you haven't discovered King yet, you should head right over to YouTube and check out any of his live performances. This is the kind of dude you HAVE to see live, when this world ever gets back to being able to see live shows. "El Dorado" did for me this year, what Sturgill Simpsons' "Sound of Fury" for me last year. Another act that I cannot wait to see what comes next.

9 - BAMBARA - Stray

To me, this is Mullholland Drive music. I picture California, up in the LA Hills, very late at night, cruising around, up to no good in some sleek, sharp convertible old school car. The big brass gives the music edge and age and its fucking glorious. This it the band that I would love to see do some sleazy and metaphor fueled track with Lana del Rey at some point in the future. Oh, what a combo that could be. BAMBARA also brings to mind a Stooges/Iggy Pop meets Jim Morrison head on, kind of vibe and I love it a lot. Check out their KEXP performance on YouTube, as it is absolute gold. Even though they refer to themselves as post punk, I'd like to refer to it as underground filth glamour... and its never been more beautiful.

8 - Freddie Gibbs & Alchemist - Alfredo

Freddie Gibbs is one of the most exciting artists in modern hip hop, mainly because everything he puts out has that classic hip hop vibe that I have been missing. Last year Gibbs made this list with his collaboration with Madlib, "Bandana". Whereas Eminem, Lil Wayne, and Kid Cudi have released some great albums this year, "Alfredo" is another cohesive piece of work that you just don't find often. When the track placement doesn't matter, as they are a seamless piece, meant to be listened to from beginning to end, every time. This album does for hip hop what Tyler The Creators, Igor, did last year. Its only appropriate there is a Tyler cameo. Once again, bringing soul to the forefront of hip-hop, and I am totally here for it.

7 - Chris Stapleton - Starting Over

This is the kind of modern country that I like. Bar rock country music! Even though Stapleton hails from Kentucky and its true country, something about his voice and this album makes me nostalgic for my childhood and those great Michigan summers growing up. In a time of 'pretty boy' country, Stapleton gets to the grit of it. This album conjures up the want for whiskey shots and dirty dancing. There aren't many like it, but this is a greatest hits album from start to finish.

6 - Benny Yurco - You Are My Dreams

Benny has always been the absolute best discovery of Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, as he THRIVES on his own. As well as I feel I know him as a solo artist, I can't find jack shit on him on his own. Everything you find is all Grace Potter. The little things that I DO know are, is that I am well aware that he is musical instrument collector and finds ways to integrate it into all his music. One thing I love about Benny is his absolute classic and beachy sounds. Even though he hails from Vermont, its like he was made to be on the beach at all times playing his music. All three of his solo albums are so clearly connected, but so different. He always picks up right where the last one ended. It should be noted that anytime Benny comes out with a new album, he ends up on this list. So if you have read about him here and have still never checked him out, you are missing out.

5 - Me & That Man - New Man, New Songs, Same Shit, Vol 1

One of the most "mood" albums of the year for me! In the initial weeks of quarantine, I was in a mood where all I wanted to hear was outlaw western rock. I couldn't really put a finger on any specific bands that I considered completely outlaw rock, but I had been listening to Volbeat's "Outlaw Gentleman & Shady Ladies" and the score for Red Dead Redemption for far too long, when I found Me & That Man. Imagine my shock when I discovered the man behind the whole project was Nergal, the man who is also behind the band Behemoth, the black death metal band that I have simply never been able to get into! What a turn from the norm for Nergal and I couldn't have been more excited about the album. Another album that will always remind me of the worst of the worst of the year, but always knowing that music would carry it all and would always make things better.

4 - All Them Witches - Nothing as the Ideal

I have a been a fan of All Them Witches since I first discovered them on Spotify years ago. This is one of those albums that is so fucking perfect from beginning to end that you don't even realized that you have spent 45 minutes having a consistent eargasm. Exactly what a progressive rock band should sound like in 2020, as they draw from all past music and inspire the next round of craftsmanship. This is one that I can't speak/type on too much, as it has to be experience on ones own... at full blast.

3 - Molchat Doma - Monument

One of the best, purest retro albums that has been inspired by 80's in the best fucking way possible. How can you take something that has been done over and over throughout the years and make it sound not at all forced or contrived? This is how. I would call them new wave, but I've been since directed to the appropriate terminology, which is cold wave. Hailing from Belarus, the Slavic language is such a perfect mesh for the sounds that they have created. The rest of the world was ahead of me with Molchat Doma, since one of their older songs hit TikTok and made them quite well known with a younger generation. This album makes me daydream that I am dancing at one of their lives shows, in some dark eastern European club, where I would probably never feel comfortable, in anything outside of my imagination... but I it that though. That is the kind of music that I live for.

2 - Deftones - Ohms

It has been an entire decade since I have fully paid any significant attention to the Deftones, and for me, this has been their best album since White Pony twenty years ago. The excitement that came with the release of the first two singles was enough to generate a massive buzz within me. I made sure to listen to the entire catalog before release day, just to fully prepare... and when the new album finally arrive, it did not disappoint. The last three albums have been the more subtle side of Chino Moreno, which is just fine when working with his side project +++. He actually has one of my all time favorite sexy voices, when he isn't in the full tilt of a wail. When he has the whole band behind him, he fully thrives and can still hit the screams that defined his voice decades ago. This is an album that has made me feel all of the ROCK again and it will be in my rotation for many years to come. As the NYE ball drops this evening, I will be playing Ohms, as that is the best outro of any album to date... and certainly the way to close out the year.

1 - Other Lives - For Their Love

My favorite of the year comes from a band that I had never heard of, despite their three albums that have been released prior! Even though I initially loved this album on first listen, I will candidly admit that I forgot about it for a few months. Somehow I found my way back, and For Their Love was on constant rotation for weeks at a time. There is something about Jesse Tabish's voice that continues to haunt me well after the last note. Other Lives has a sound that reminds me of something old, that has somehow become new and fresh all over again. It is haunting, it is beautiful, and it resonates the soul like a tuning fork. The most beautiful souvenir of an awfully bleak and tragic year. If you check out ONE of my suggestions this year, let it be this...

#bestalbumsof2020

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