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artificialqueens · 5 years

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You won a seven nights stay in Paris (Brooke x Vanessa) - Evelyn Bubbles

Howdy y’all it’s me your girl Evelyn, resurfacing of course when another season starts. As always I gotta come up with some ship, so here’s my BrookexVanessa, I have no idea how to call it though. Branjielina? Probably. This is based in canon, I’m gonna use female pronouns and drag names so there’s no confusion. Enjoy! You remember Vanjie being over excited about Brooke Lynn winning the Paris vacation? Well, they went together. And things got complicated.

The problem with winning something it’s always hoping to collect the prize alone, in peace. Especially if that particular prize is really huge. After her best friend had told her he couldn’t come since it was his wedding anniversary, Brooke Lynn Hytes, 32, carefully texted the season eleven groupchat. She wanted to have fun, but also see the monuments, museums, landmarks. Come on, it was Paris after all. Paris. One of her favorite cities. She had been there in the past with her ballet company, but she hadn’t had the time to really see that beautiful place. She was hoping for someone interesting, curious, cheerful, to answer her desperate “Hey, anyone wanna go to Paris?”. Of course Silky was the first one to answer: “Mama’s too booked, sis”. Then a couple of others. A’keria was getting ready for what probably was one of her last pageants. Nina was about to host a new charity event. Plastique probably couldn’t even read. Brooke Lynn was about to turn off the phone and go to Paris all alone, when Vanessa texted her privately.

-Saw the episode? Remember that I was the one who wanted to come with u! -I remember love xx -Then it’s settled. Fully cancelling all my gigs. When is it -After my bday -Like I know when that is, girl -March 10th lol -Cool love that. We’ll get those French cookies sis -I’ll send you the details right now then :) -Can’t wait!!

And then, a profusion of kisses emojis and many many red hearts. Brooke couldn’t believe she had just accepted to go on a 8 days trip in Paris with notoriously batshit crazy Vanessa Vanjie Mateo. She was fun to have around, for sure, and she was also one of her closest friends after the competition, but they’d never travelled together. Although skeptical at first, Brooke smiled. It could’ve been fun.

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This is gonna be a big mess, Brooke thought as soon as Vanessa started running towards her at the JFK airport, New York City. She practically jumped at her neck, showering her with affection. “So nice to see you again girl! I’ve missed your face! You look amazing, these first weeks of fame have done a body good”, she said, tapping on her arm. “Thank you Vanjie. You look fantastic as well”, commented Brooke smiling wide. She loved Vanessa dearly, but she was dragging along what seemed like an entire wardrobe packed into one giant, plus a handbag and a sparkly backpack. Brooke felt all the eyes on them as Vanessa started chatting loudly, catching the attention of a group of girls who eyed them and pointed at them giggling. They’re fans of the show, maybe, Brooke guessed, or maybe they’re just laughing at a loud obnoxious gay couple at the airport ready for their honeymoon. Except for the fact that Vanessa and her weren’t a couple, nor on their honeymoon: they were sharing a price won at a transvestism competition. The usual.

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On the plane, everything went… not as planned. Vanessa didn’t say a word for the whole flight, pleasantly surprising Brooke who was expecting eight hours of non-stop blabbing. Instead, Vanessa fell asleep right away, AirPods in, head propped on a tiny pillow and her soft lips semi-open. Brooke couldn’t help but smile, adjusting herself on the seat and turning on her classical music playlist that she used to listen before bed. The last thing she remembered was the Carmen overture playing, and Vanessa’s sleepy face turning gently towards her. She woke up when the plane landed pretty roughly, shaking both of them in their seats. Vanessa was candidly sleeping with her head resting on Brooke’s shoulder, nuzzled into her neck. “What the fuck was that…!”, Vanessa said, suddenly nervous, that surely want the best wake up call, “A turbulence?”. “You… own… everything…!”, Brooke joked, and Vanessa punched her on the shoulder, “You’re so stupid girl! No but seriously, have we landed like… that was quick!”. “Only because you slept all the way through”. “I needed some rest okay? Making coins every night is hard as shit you know that!”. “I do Vanjielina, I do. Let’s grab our stuff and get the fuck outta here, my legs hurt”.

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“What do y’all mean with ‘My suitcase is still in America?!”. “Yeah, so sorry Mr. Cancel… apparently your suitcase wasn’t embarked… they’ll be delivered to your hotel as soon as possible, unfortunately that won’t be possible until… let me check… four days from now, we’re going through a strike, again, and we won’t have incoming flights for a bit”. “What will I do then? I have no clothes, no shoes, no nothing!”, Vanessa groaned in stress. “Listen, I know this situation sucks, but I’ll be more than happy to lend you my clothes. Also, don’t you have your toothbrush and stuff in your handbag and backpack? You’re gonna survive just fine. And don’t you wanna go do some shopping? We could find some really cute stuff for you to wear these days”. Vanessa looked at Brooke with puppy dog eyes. “Thank you sis… I really need some positivity right now or I’ll have a nervous breakdown”. “It’s nothing Vanjielina. Now let’s give them the b&b address and we can get the fuck outta here. We’re in Paris and I haven’t seen the city yet!”. “You’re right”, said Vanessa smiling as usual, “I’m tired of this shit. Let’s go”.

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The bus from Orly to their b&b in the luxurious XVI arrondisement took forever, but as soon as they arrived they were blown away. The classical Parisian house, just behind the Trocadero, with its characteristical blue roof, round windows and narrow appearance was stunning in the daylight, and its white curtains masked the surely elegant interior from unwanted stares. “On here it says that the owner is a certain Mathieu Pepin…”, Brooke said consulting her receipt on her mail app. “Let’s wake up this motherfucker”. “Wait, Vanjie…”. Too late, Vanessa was already torturing the intercom: “Hello, hi? Someone there? We’re here!”. “Vanessa!”. “What? I wanna go explore!”. “Yeah, but we shouldn’t…”. “Oh my God! I can’t believe it!”. Brooke and Vanessa turnt around, only to face an overenthusiastic blonde guy with curly hair and a light beard all over his chin and jawline. “Miss Vanjie and Brooke Lynn Hytes, in my apartment…! This is a dream come true”. “Oh, hi, I’m Brock, nice to meet you, but you can obviously call me Brooke as you know us from the show”. “Of course I know you two! I’m so happy to have you here, I’d guide you inside personally but I have quite a few things to do. It’s not hard though, the last floor is all yours. Here’s your set of keys. This opens the main door, while this opens the apartment… oh, I’m Mathieu by the way… here’s your WiFi password…”. Brooke giggled, this Mathieu guy seemed kinda all over the place but he owned a flat in one of the most expensive Parisian neighborhoods, he must’ve been someone important. Or at least very rich. “So sorry I have to leave you this soon. Does any of you speak French?”. Vanessa shook her head, while Brooke said: “Kinda… the basics. The very basics. Toronto is not a French speaking area. I studied it in school but…”. “Oh, don’t worry! You’ll survive just fine with just English around here. Have a great staying! Can I be a little indiscreet?”, Mathieu said winking, “I’m so happy the rumors are true! Have fun you lovebirds!”. Then he kissed both of them on the cheeks and rushed away, chatting loudly on the phone in perfect Spanish. “The rumors? Which rumors?”. “I ain’t got no idea girl… let’s get inside this fucker”, Vanessa shrugged, grabbing Brooke’s backpack and bringing it inside. Fortunately, they managed to get inside that tiny elevator, squished and uncomfortable but still, the doors closed. “Looking at it positively, if we still had your suitcase we would’ve had to run this thing twice”, Brooked said jokingly, to cheer Vanessa up. It worked, and she smiled back. They arrived at the apartment, the only one on the last floor. “Oh wow, it’s really fucking big!”, Vanessa exclaimed stealing the keys from Brooke’s hands. “Do you say that very often Vanjie?”. Vanessa gave her the middle finger: “Shut up you whore… and carry your shit inside”. Brooke laughed, following her friend into that beautiful apartment. Light entered the open space softly, waving over the modern furniture, the wooden floor, the white curtains. “This place is stunning! C’mon drag race sponsorship! Okay I gotta explore”, said Vanjie dropping her stuff on the floor and running into the various rooms. “This bathroom is huge!”. “Oh my God look at this kitchen!”. Brooke left her suitcase as well, dropping her bag on one of the huge sofas. “Bitch… you should really come and see this”, Vanessa called her from the last room. It must’ve been the bedroom. Brooke started fantasizing on how beautiful and big their beds must’ve been. Vanessa was blankly staring at one, huge ass bed. A single king sized mattress. “Now I see why that bitch told us he was happy the rumors are true”, said Brooke. They looked at each other in the eyes. “Yeah sis”, Vanessa told her, “They think we’re banging”.

#rpdr fanfiction #vanessa vanjie mateo #brooke lynn hytes #branjie #pining #smut #evelyn bubbles #ywa7nsip #canon compliant #s11 #submission

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polyamradiotranscripts · 6 years

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Ep. 1 New relationship Energy

polyAM Radio espisode one: New Relationship Energy

[Begin transcript]

[Sophie]: Hello everybody and welcome to polyam radio. I'm Sophie Last-name-redacted

[Mara]: And I'm Mara Fake-last-name

[Sophie]: Welcome to the first episode of our brand new podcast about polyamory that weird relationship thing you do with lots of other people.

["Crazy little thing called love" by Queen plays]

[Sophie]: as i mentioned my name is Sophie, I'm a trans womam my pronouns are she her hers

[Mara]: I'm mara, I use them them theirs pronouns

[Sophie]: we're engaged

[Mara]: pretty cool, no big deal, whatever

[Sophie]: yeah, little bit, ya know, fiancees, plural

[Mara]: cool

[Sophie]: yeah and we've been doing poly for about four or five years now, depending on when you start counting

[Mara]: yeah yeah I'd say do

[Sophie]: yeah yeah cuz we've been together for almost six years this is our new show and we just wanted to tell you a little about it before we jump right in to this weeks topic. Basically this show is going to be about queer, trans, modern polyamory, we're not really going to be talking about swinging a whole lot we're not relly going to be talking about open relationships, or strict heirarchical structures very much, we're going to be talking about very egalitarian very feminist oriented polyamory

[Mara]: well and and, and not that those things are awful or horrible or bad or wrong it's just uh, this is this is what our experience is, this is what works well for us this is what works well for a lot of other people

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely the goal of this podcast is not to rip on those things

[Mara]: well and and I think it's like worth mentioning when you and I started polyamory like we had a tiered open relationship and like that just that didn't work for us that was a bad time uh

[Sophie]: yeah I mean we were also like literal kids and, dumb, and stuff

[Mara]: oh yeah, no, we were dumb high schoolers

[Sophie]: yeah, so

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: uh, yeah, high school sweethearts, lets talk a little bit about the structure of the show basically we're gonna try to drop episodes every other week. We're just starting so if we mess up a little bit, really sorry, there's not much we can do about it

[Mara]: we're humans

[Sophie]: yeah we're both students, uh, which is like a subcategory of humans uh that we someday hope to become humans, someday we hope to become humans, not inhumans like the x-men or whatever

[Mara]: well we're alreay inhumans, sike

[Sophie]: yeah I suppose

[Mara]: human, inhumans

[Sophie]: cuz I've got all these special powers, um

[Mara]: like weeping

[Sophie]: yeah, like lots of crying. Like i said we're going to try to drop shows every other week we're going to have a different topic on every show there's a small chance that if sometime we feel like there's new information out or something like that or our perscpectives have changed we'll drop an episode on a topic and revisit it, uh but generally speaking we're going to try to keep it fresh. How this is going to work is that me, Sophie, so you'll learn my name Sophie Sophie Sophie. I'm going to be the main host of this show, and Mara is going to be one of a couple co-hosts that help me out all the time so Mara is a voice you'll be hearing from a lot but probably not on every single episode. Got some other partners that wanna get in the rotation get in the mix, partly just to keep the perscpective fresh and everone's an expert on different things which is actually where I'm going next which is we're going to have occasional guest speakers on the show that are really knowledgable about specific things, because personally me, I don't consider myself an expert on poly or polyamory

[Mara]: Oh, god and I know I'm not and expert

[Sophie]: Yeah, absolutely I've only been doing it for four or five years, there's no way I could be and expert in something in that little amount of time. Ya know your undergrad takes four or five years and you barely know anything after that

[Mara]: well and and some people just have like different experiences too

[Sophie]: right exactly there are ascpects of polyamory that I can't speak to because I haven't had those experiences I think it would be really cool at some point to do a program or ya know uh and episode about having polyamorous parents and being a child raised in that. I was not in that situation so I can't really speak to it. So, we're going to try to mix it up, you're always going to have to deal with me unfortunately, uh, just to kind of keep some moderate level of consistency in how the show works, we're going to roate out the guest speakers based on ya know just kind of what information and experiences they have and can speak to

[Mara]: If this was a heirarchical relationship Sophie would be like your primary and I would be like a secondary [laughs]

[Sophie]: we don't do that bull shit here because, well in my opinion it's inherently unhealthy and it makes people feel like they're less worthy and our beloved co-host is not less worthy so we also wanna talk about us some of the other sections so we're gonna have some people talk about the main topic but we're also gonna have an advice section, hopefully and a lot of that is depedent on you the listener ya know if you want us to have a really cool advice section you have to send us really cool quetsions

[Mara]: I mean because the only thing I can give advice on is Oh my god both of my partners leave their dishes in the sink and don't do their dishes so how do I get my partners to do the dishes so like it can be goofy things like that or it can be, help, my partner is moving across the country how do I cope with this

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and how do I tell them I'm that I'm running off or being scared or stuff like that, so it can be silly or serious if you want a sill or serious answer depending I mean you'll kind of get out of this what you put into it. basically what we're gonna try to do is if we get a lot of quetsions on a certain topic that'll inform what topics we cover in main episodes to try to hit couple of those with one stone and then address those quetsions directly, uh, or if ya know we may if we get a ton a ton a quetsions we may just do an episode at some point that is just ya know no cohesive structure just answering quetsions because y'all loved em and it was really popular

[Mara]: that would be a lot of fun

[Sophie]: that would be a lot of fun I would really dig that like ya know once every couple months just do an advice show, so the best way to reach us then would be either on twitter uh its polyam_radio uh you can tweet at us or you can send us and email with your quetsion and if you don't want it in public but you want it answered in a public medium, which would be weird, but you're certainly free to do that if it's longer than [Sophie]:40 character or however long they give you on twitter and our email is [email protected] and I believe that's right I'm going to check it and vamp for time until I do

[Mara]: [vamp with 'do do do']

[Sophie]: [vamp with 'do do do']

[Sophie]: Oh no I typed in fmail on my computer not gmail

[Mara]: uh while sophie looks that up actually I could probably

[Sophie]: polyamradio all underscrore no, uh all lowercase no underscore anything at gmail.com so poly a m radio, it's a joke ya get it? cuz AM radio is a medium where you talk to people on the radio and we call it polyam cuz polyamory. Alright so lets jump right in to talking about what this is actually supposed to be about now that we've waste about ten minutes of your time we're going to talk about new relationship energy today, we figured it would be good because this podcast is shiny and new and we're relly excited about it and we hope you're really excited about it and a lot of times when relationships are new they are bright and shiny and sometimes you do dumb shit because of it

[Mara]: sometimes?

[Sophie]: sometimes, yeah, uh

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: yeah sometimes uh

[Mara]: speaking only for myself here I do really dumb shit

[Sophie]: yeah and it's really interesting because the times you where you haven't done dumb shit uh because you're in a new relationship generally speaking that just means that it hasn't been the appropriate amount of months since you've done that dumb shit and you're not ready to really own up to it yet so if you're like that's not me I'm not doing dumb shit cuz of my new relationship tweet at me in like six months or whatever and then we'll talk

[Mara]: sophie is the queen of doing that

[Sophie]: okay I mean you say that but like saying that is kind of I think is reductionist because like I do dumb shit all the time anyways

[Mara]: okay true but like you're you're new relationship dumb shit is like [wooshing noise]

[Sophie]: yeah well part of it is that um like, we talk about, we're going to be talking about disability and a lot of stuff on this show uh I'm bipolar so I have to deal with mania on top of new relationship energy sometimes and ya know I mean, I've taken psychology clases and we learned about mania as running naked through the shopping mall ya know in this extreeme cases and that's not at all what mania is in most people's lives I have had some, relationship equivalents of running naked through the shopping mall uh ya know I've definitley um ya know called a partner like 80 times or something like that, in a matter of, however long, ya know or at least it felt like 80 times

[Mara]: let me just pull up my phone records

[Sophie]: yeah, honestly,

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]:yeah well you live with me so you get the worst of it

[Mara]: middle of the night, cuddle me[sustained]

[Sophie]: okay, thats not even, well yeah um, that was mania lat night but normally that's just cuz I'm a huge cuddle bug

[Mara]: that's true

[Sophie]: anyways, um, new relationship energy uh it feels weird and it can makes us do dumb shit and sometimes it can even make our partners insecure so we want to have a discussion about it because as people who have started a lot of new relationships recently it's been something that's been very prevalent in our lives and it's been something that we've had to deal with ya know I I kind of alluded to this before but we don't neccecarliy consider ourselves experts on poly, we consider ourselves and I consider myself someone who has made a lot of poly mistakes and who has done a lot of things wrong, and I've also done a lot of things right because just by rote of doing this for a long enough ya know you, you make lots of decisions and choices and actions and some of thema are great and some of them are not so great and we wanna talk about that so I wanna preface all of this with, we do not consider ourselves experts on it, this is our experience, what we think, if you think we're totally wrong I'm not gonna say that you're wrong and that we're totally right, uh I do think that ya know I think that no matter who you are or where you're coming from even if you're a monogamous you'll be able to get something out of this cuz a lot of these feelings and experiences and what not aren't neccecarliy unique to polyamory in my mind

[Mara]: yeah uh so now that we've been like babbling at you about new relationship energy new relationship energy we should probably like talk about what it is so people are sitting there like horrifically confused so it's kind of almost exactly what it sounds like

[Sophie]: Webster's Dictionary defines it as

[Mara]: yeah okay [laughs] so Webster Dictionary definition probably more like, urban dictionary definition

[Sophie]: ooh that was a good goof I like that

[Mara]: you could proba- like so you know how you feel so happy like you're gonna puke in the begining of a relationship just like constantly just like the butterlies in you're stomach and this person can do no wrong, and oh my god how is everybody not in love with this person maybe, mabye that's just me but like I oh my gosh I like I feel like I'm gonna puke I'm so happy when when I start a new relationship, it's pretty dumb

[Sophie]: yeah well with me a lot of times it manifests itself in uh a manner similar to ya know I'm always wanting to talk to this person always wanting to be around this person and even there are times when I'm kind of saturated with them where it's like wow, I could really use a moment alone to myself to like clean my glasses and wipe my ass and just ya know someth- like time where it's like a little isolated little quality time alone, that's good sometimes uh you want to hermit a little bit and that is normally what happens with partners with me at least just because you can't be around people constantly, problem is, is that a lot of times with new relationship energy that feeling of wanting to isolate yourself just a little bit every now and then isn't there, at least for me uh and that can cause some problems either just because you're around people all the time or you're neglecting your other relationships or responsibilities, it's like we're both students who have like homework and shit, so it can cause you to, in some cases neglect other areas of your life because you're, ya know, hopping into bed with this perosn when you have other shit to do or you just wanna, ya know , you're planning your day around getting dinner with them even though you've seen them every day this week and just kind of going to uh sometimes like comical levels of effort just to spend time with this person and kind of shoe horn-ing it in, for me a lot of times that's what it ends up looking like and a lot like Mara said that it feels like butterlies it feels like this person is amazing and oh my god I can't believe they're into me and, ya know, sometimes even just being insecure and being like maybe the're not into me so, uh, for me a lot of times that's how it manifests

[Mara]: um, yeah, for me I'm like oh I don't know I just I I get super super into people and I'm like not not neccecarliy like I wanna be around you every second of every day uh like Sophie gets I I very much value my alone time and my hermitage time and I will like totally straight up interrupt dates with partners to be like, ya, no I need to be alone, I need to take a bath with a bath bomb and just like chillax that's that's who I am as a person but like I'll be constantly thinking about them, I'll be wanting to spend all of my time with them, I'll like, I don't shut up about people when I get new relationship energy like I will just talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, to anyone who will listen to me uh which that's it's not great

[Sophie]: yeah Mara really like ya know how um the kind of the romance dime novel that I'm not actually convinced anybody reads

[Mara]: speak for yourself

[Sophie]: woah wow okay

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: that's a guilty pleasure you should feel bad about [laughs] wow okay yeah learning new things learning new things about my fiance gonna have to like process that later but you know like the shitty fantasy dime novels where it's like ya know, she swooned or whatever an like then like Ma- Mara gets very swoony over new partners and it's really cute and it's endearing

[Mara]: well I'm glad you think so

[Sophie]: well they think so to typically at least in my experience ya know everyone thinks you're super cute

[Mara]: that's alright I just kinda want to die uhh [laughs]

[Sophie]: well it's also really funny because you're really shy

[Mara]: [quietly] yeahhh

[Sophie]: so you're swooning but a lot of times you're to nervous to talk to people

[Mara]: they must'nt know, they must'nt know I swooned over them Sophie

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely

[Mara]: they'll think me a harlot

[Sophie]: well you are

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: ya know, so [laughs] sorry I'm just imagining you as the kind of person who's concerned with being a harlot or not and it's I'm not handling it

[Mara]: I I don't know what you're talking about I don't know what you're trying to imply about me

[Sophie]: yeah well I mean [pause] okay

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: yeah right now I am stammering worse than Mara does when talking to a new partner, ba dum cha oh with the look I'm getting right now folks

[Mara]: your intent was to shoot an arrow through my heart

[Sophie]: yeah yeah

[Mara]: fuckin bullseye

[Sophie]: like this is an audio only medium but like I hope you can hear like the fear in my voice from the look I'm getting right now is, it is not great folks

[Mara]: yes clearly I am a very terrifying person

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely

[Mara]: [laughs] but so, so like the dumb stuff it can make you do, uh, that's what it is, that's how it feels

[Sophie]: so, so let me ask you a question then, basically it feels good generally right?

[Mara]: um, yes but

[Sophie]: yeah good but weird, ya know

[Mara]: well and and there are times where I don't know, speaking of like disability I'm, I've been like horrifically depressed my entire life so like when I'm really happy I'm just like alright when's the other shoe gonna drop what's gonna happen, but ya know

[Sophie]: yeah, I'm not saying it can go on for, indefinitely like if we're talking about ice cream like ya know I'm very lactose intolerant I shouldn't be eating ice cream at all but like, ya know the fact that we say ice cream tastes good doesn't mean that we always and only ever want to eat ice cream

[Mara]: oh yeah, no, no

[Sophie]: so so like this is a feeling that's generally good right like it's not a bad feeling

[Mara]: sometimes it's like being strapped to an emotional comet or at least for me ya know it's just kind of like this person has has tied like something around my heart and has just kind of sent it off into space and like I can't think straight and I don't like it all the time

[Sophie]: that's fair I uh a lot of times I get annoyed that I'm always thinking about this person cuz ya know I'm a I'm mean I've frequently got other stuff I'm trying to focus on like come on y'all I'm trying to do this calculus here like I can't be thinking about sucking on this persons face right now like ya know, derivatives they're sexy and they're important and I should be doing them

[Mara]: that's cute

[Sophie]: yeah

[Mara]: uh

[Sophie]: that's my life

[Mara]: and I think I think for me um part of why I don't always neccecarliy like enjoy the the uh intense excitement is I I think that like I can kind of feel like I'm like neglecting my partners sometimes like oh oh I'm just so excited that it's kind of like negatively affecting this relationship I think that ya know it can feel really nice and really really exiting but I think sometimes why I don't neccecarliy enjoy uh that that strapped to an emotional comet feeling is um being like with other partners I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk right and I'm constantly talking about my new partner and like oh what if they're getting annoyed what if they're feeling left out like what if I'm neglecting my partner for this other person and that's a really horrible feeling for me personally

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and that's actually what I kinda wanted to get into here, ya know, we talk about this and it's, ya know again like I said it's it's like a roller coaster or ice cream or whatever it's not neccecarliy bad it's not always what you're in the mood for and there is a tim- there is a point where it becomes too much but like what are some of the negative effects of new relationship energy because ya know we chose this to be the first episode of our podcast and at least in my mind it would be weird to have picked that and have it just be something that we talk about where it's like oh it's this vaugley inconvinient little thing that doesn't really affect you or your other relationships at all like cuz in my experience it does have, ya know for lack of a better term some deleterious, some bad uh effects, some drawbacks so what are some ways that uh in your experience uh new relationship energy can be a bad thing

[Mara]: [laughs] le- let let me think of a couple examples here

[Sophie]: I think I think for one at the very least is ya know all the dumb shit it makes you do

[Mara]: Oh yeah no for sure

[Sophie]: like we talked about that briefly but like ya know it's worth bringing up again like uh it can make you make an ass of yourself ya know I had a relationship a while back where ya know it was making me kind of blin- the new relationship energy was kinda making me blind to how this how this other partner was treating and interacting with some of my other partners and, ya know, not to say that ya know this person wasn't the devil by any means but there were lots of like little like slights and everything going on and it was causing my partner a lot of well well you it was causing you a lot of anxiety

[Mara]: yeah it was

[Sophie]: and it was making, ya know, the fact that I wasn't seeing this was making you feel gaslit when it was something that ya know I was having a hard time validating because I ya know I wasn't noticing and I wasn't picking up on these frankly very subtle signals and and and whatnot

[Mara]: well and I think the hardest thing too was that um like even if you weren't picking up on it like you weren't listening ya ya know and that was the really hard thing for me

[Sophie]: yeah I think new relationship energy makes communication harder and I and I think that's the reality of it, ya know

[Mara]: well and I think especially like something, uh, dumb shit that you do when when you're um when you're experiencing new relationship energy is, ya know , it's the problem isn't you, right and the problem isn't this new person like it's, what could be wrong like you know this relationship is so great it can be really hard to to listen to what this other person is trying to say to you like hey here's how your attidute towards this is kind of hurting me

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and I think that ya know to a big degree it's not like this person couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong it just feels like, get off their back ya know it just feels like what do they do that's so bad

[Mara]: well and you don't know them like I do, and

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely it's like you're not spending all this time with them and everything and ya know and you're trying to make the new relationship work, you're always worried that you're gonna scare someone off or whatever and that's pretty standard stuff that we all ya know deal with and what not I mean I don't I don't think that doesn't make you the devil because you're having this new relationship energy

[Mara]: oh god no no

[Sophie]: it can just kind of make you blind to certain things that are going on, not even saying this new partner ya know this isn't a problem that only occurs if your new partner happens to be someone who is secretly totally toxic ya know this is a problem that occurs ya know like lots of people have like little things about them that make them ya know not a hundred percent positive influences on your life like there's no way anybody's a hundred percent positive influence on your life unless they're totally bullshitting you putting a ton of effort into it that's why being a parent is hard that's why your parents don't talk to you the same fucking way they do their friends is because they're trying to be a hundred percent positive, well, most parents I think are ya know are at least trying to be a hundred percent positive influence, I think a lot of them fall way short but that's an entirely different conversation ya know the fact of the matter is, is that when you're trying to be a good influence for someone you behave differently then when you're just, like, chilling around them and spending time with them doing all this other shit ya know so like, it can make you blind to, to some of things your partners are bringing up I think is the big thing for me ya know I, what are some other ways that new relationship energy can kind of, hurt other relationships or or that relationship itself

[Mara]: um, I I think sometimes like I've personally made some pretty like rash decisions about a partner before ya know in the new relationship energy phase and ya know all of the sudden the new relationship energy is dissapated and like you're hanging out with them and you're like oh, oh no like

[Sophie]: [laughs]

[Mara]: what have I done here, ya know I uh, I don't think I want this with this person anymore how, how do I talk to this person about it I think that's something that can be like for me it's a very big concern it's like am I making this decision about this partner because it's genuinley what I feel and what I want or am I making this with uh, ya know, the dopamine and they oxytocin and all those fun brain chemicals are kinda like they got you going and they, this person can do no wrong like let's move in and live together and have babies together and and all the sudden, oh shit, I don't wanna have babies I don't even wanna like with this person let alone even have babies ya know

[Sophie]: yeah well and I also think that ya know realistically I know we've both been in situations where new relationship energy has made us get into more commited relationships then we had time for and we were ready for uh, that's happened a couple times realistically and it's been really hard to back pedal uh because that's not a fun conversation to have with someone and be like yeah listen I'm still interested in you but ya know how we were gonna be ya know this really committed really serious thing, that's not actually something I'm ready for and I was just being really foolish and foolhardy and I'm sorry that was a shitty thing I did like that is not a conversation that is fun to have for anybody and it's really hard to come back from there, ya know it's kind of like you can't un-fuck someone, you can't, ya know, you can stop sleeping with someone you can can, ya know you can choose to not continue to do it but you can't undo the fact that you did it and that can be really hard to do

[Mara]: right, well you can't take back the the words that you said and the feelings that it caused like I think that's something that ya know this is this is a relationship and I've kind of made this bond to you, I can't I can't really get un-engaged from you at this point like we can't just say ohh nevermind like we don't wanna be engaged anymore we we kind of have to say like alright like what does what does this

[Sophie]: well I wanna put out there ya know we could but it would be messy

[Mara]: oh yeah [laughs]

[Sophie]: we would have to like re-structure our whole relationship and focus for probably years on returning to whatever point that we wanted to get to with a lesser commitment I mean and ya know whether or not the relationship would survive that I honestly can't say I, just like, not that I would want to leave you if you did that or whatever, just that's a really tricky thing to learn how to navigate

[Mara]: yeah for sure well and I think like ya know even even on the flip side of like ya ya know, I think sometimes when I'm ha- with a partner who's experiencing a lot of new relationship energy like this is this is a personal flaw uh I can feel like kind of left out or like oh, this partner doesn't actually love me they love this person way more they're just with me because I'm familiar and ya know I've I've been with them for a while and I'm just, ya know they're gonna get sick of me and they're gonna get tired of me and they don't actually like me like that is that is something that I have concerns about and like part of that is like acutal emotional trauma from my past, but, like part of that too is just kind of, we're, we're kind of surrounded by this society that thinks oh monogamy is the one true way and all you polyamorous people are gonna settle down and, umm, which is that's just dumb

[Sophie]: yeah it's foolish

[Mara]: like you know it's not doing this because I don't want commitment, I have several commitments like I want commitment it's not I don't want commitment uh,

[Sophie]: yeah I more commitment in one of my relationships, this one in particular than most monogamous people do in theirs and then if you add up all the commitments from all of my relationships into one gigantic scary comittment monster, ya know it becomes

[Mara]: [gasp] is this what I've been hearing about? The commitment monster

[Sophie]: the commitment monster yeah

[Mara]: is this why people get cold feet?

[Sophie]: I guess, yeah

[Mara]: is the comittment monster coming for them?

[Sophie]: we have our first celebirty appearance on our show it's the commitment monster

[Mara]: [growling a la commitment monster]

[Sophie]: wow yeah

[Mara]: [growling] I do [growling]

[Sophie]: [laughs]

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: hello commitment monster how are you doing today

[Mara]: I'm, I don't know will I wanna be with you forever and ever

[Sophie]: oh no how do I get out of this now

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: see that's how they get ya folks ya konw commitment monster I gotta say you sound a lot like uh like a t-rex but you look a lot like if cookie monster and animal had a baby and I'm just really curious about that

[Mara]: I am the product of their commitment

[Sophie]: [laughs] well you heard it here first folks cookie monster and animal the muppets are in a triad with a t-rex and they're very committed and they're presumeably very happy a well maybe not becuase that's why a monster grew out of it they're in an unhappy triad

[Mara]: [normal voice] no it's their baby

[Sophie]: ohh, oh it's like spwan thing

[Mara]: yeah

[Sophie]: oh I thought this was like a metaphysical I though this was like a metaphysical being that arose out of like ya know just like the spirit of commitment

[Mara]: I mean I think everybody has their own commitment monster, some of those are acutal tangible babies

[Sophie]: fuck that's deep

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: ya know you say like you're ripping on babies a lot for someone who like ya know was the one who convinced me to have kids

[Mara]: oh god I love babies like don't get me wrong I love babies, I'm not ripping on babies I I think but you know for some people, they're afraid of having kids and for them like that comittment monster is kind of realized in like I don't wanna have kids, I'm scared of having kids with this person I'm scared of like ya know

[Sophie]: that's fair

[Mara]: like I'm scared of being saddled to this tiny little life for eighteen years that's a long time folks

[Sophie]: yeah that's fair well and, well really forever, like basically until you die because like at eighteen years ya know like they don't stop being your kid like you just like

[Mara]: the relationship changed

[Sophie]: yeah like that is the best case scenario for when you no longer have to deal with them in your house anymore

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: like that is the shortest commitment for like okay how much longer until this little fuck isn't eating my food anymore like that's what eighteen is

[Mara]: and even they come back from college and uh hi mom sorry for eating all your food

[Sophie]: I didn't but my parents don't keep food in the house they

[Mara]: right well that's a different story

[Sophie]: yeah they subsist on like saltines, apples, and Fox News alone, yeah it's pretty rough

[Mara]: well the racism is enough to kind of sustain any white American I suppose

[Sophie]: any good red blooded American can be sustained on racism alone

[Mara]: [laughs] but, I digress or we digress

[Sophie]: yeah, yeah that got kind of off there but I liked it

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: I like where it went

[Mara]: but it can really kinda feel like um ya know it it you're old and you're boring and your partner is just going to get rid of you right that's like the ultimate goal of your partner ge- they're interested in somebody else so they must be more interested in them than you like thats just the very monogamous attidute towards it, right? but like we personally practice relationship anarchy all of our relationships just are what they are and they don't really have effects on ya know what another relationship looks like like my relationship to Sophie does not uh affect my relationship with another partner or anybody else really just like ya know having, being friends with one individual doesn't affect your friendship with somebody else I think that's pretty silly when you think about you're you're friendships that way so why would you think about like you're re- romantic relationships, sorry folks, there is there is a squirrel

[Sophie]: yeah there

[Mara]: stealing an apple out of our compost

[Sophie]: a whole apple that got just too rotten to eat so I threw it out

[Mara]: oh that squirrel is going to have the greatest day of its life folks

[Sophie]: litterally like I'm just watching a squirrel just jizz its pants over how much food it found

[Mara]: it's having new relationship energy over this apple

[Sophie]: my biggest concern is that it's gonna hop down from our deck, which is on the second floor of our, so it's an apartment it's on the second floor, my biggest fear right now is that the squirrel is gonna try to jump down from here with the apple in its mouth instead of just knocking it down and retreiving it and that the extra weight is gonna make it hit the ground real real hard and just kill it

[Mara]: and that is why new relationship energy is dangerous folks

[Sophie]: yeah I guess

[Mara]: it uh that apple, that apple will get ya every time

[Sophie]: yeah well, apple a day, well ya know keep the doctor away cuz you are a squirrel and it will kill you

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: [laughs] okay, uh

[Mara]: goodness gracious

[Sophie]: yeah yeah we're great at this we're really good podcasters folks this is just like people are like tuning in for their auditory experience of the day and just just having a blasty blast

[Mara]: they're getting, a squirrel

[Sophie]: yeah

[Mara]: oh no

[Sophie]: oh he'll be back

[Mara]: I hope so

[Sophie]: the apple is still there he not

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: god I swear to god all of this is making it through post, so anyways going back to things feeling like maybe your partner is only with you because it's, ya know, familiar and and it can start to feel like maybe you're just there as a saftey net for your partner uh and ya know maybe they're not just into you maybe they're just into the stability of you and I gotta say folks, if you're feeling that way about your partner, I don't know you, I don't know your partner, ya brain's lyin to ya, it just is, I I got that feeling all the time about a lot of different partners and I gotta tell you like I'm really fortunate my partners got they're so fucking into me they're it's it's rediculous

[Mara]: it's pretty dumb

[Sophie]: it's like they don't even know who I am

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: it's real bad folks

[Mara]: I uh well yeah it's it's ya know

[Sophie]: well but but my point is like this isn't something that, ya know y'all aren't just with me cuz it's easy to be because I'm not always the easiest person to be with and y'all aren't just in this for stability or whatever cuz, here's the thing when people are in relationships just for the stability they get out of those relationships because that's not something that they probably want to continue to be in, if there's someone else they'd rather be with and they no longer want to be with you they do this thing called a break-up or a divorce or whatever we have a word for that folks, so, ya know, that's a little message from me to you, that's not what's happening, but it can feel that way and if you are feeling that way it's super important to communicate that to your partner, and it's okay to just say hey, ya know I know you've got a lot of new relationship energy and I I'm supporting that, that's great ya know that's real real good

[Mara]: right like I'm excited for you too

[Sophie]: yeah I'm feelin compersion, I'm happy for your happiness and I'm happy because of your happiness even though it doesn't directly impact me it's called compersion ya know that that like I said that's all good good stuff, and it's also okay to be like ya know I'm just, I'm feeling a little insecure and I'm feeling like maybe you're just with me because this is familiar and, ya know, I just need reasurance, do you still wanna be with me and everything and probably they'll say yes because you're a real real cool person uh and they'll just put their arm around you and say hey listen it's familiar, but not too familiar

[Mara]: but not too not familiar

[Sophie]: it's a new craze, something something "mbmbam" and then you'll go have sex because your problems will be solved, if you're into having sex when your problems are solved

[Mara]: [gasp] sorry, the squirrel wants to come in

[Sophie]: he can't

[Mara]: I know he can't, sorry folks, you were getting into this for they polyamory and it's just squi- it's all squirrels now

[Sophie]: yeah you can tell your friends about it if they're into squirrels and shit, so that's basically our take on new relationship energy uh if there's anything you felt we left out or anything you want to add to the conversation feel to take that to our twitter or to our email, preferably twitter because it's public and then other people can benefit from what you have to say because I'm sure it's genius, if you wanna holler at us because we did everything wrong that's fine too, ya know, just try to be nice about it we're both, ya know, pretty new to podcasting this might now be the best, ya know the most deligh-, this might not be the most delectable audio experience you've ever had but we're working hard to make it better and any tips you have about that would also be appriciated, I do wanna mention quick that we were welcomed into the trans podcaster visibility initiative so we are part of that network, and I just wanna thank them for their help and guidence while we were getting started it's been a huge huge help and actually before I even made this first episode ya know I had just sent someone a message to ask them a question and, ya know, one thing let to another and we were invited to join this good good network where all these trans, queer podcasters are uh, ya know, making their art, and making their stuff and I just think it's really cool and we're really fortunate to be a part of that and I think we're gonna have some real good guest speakers because of that network also I doubt they'll ever hear this but I just want, I think we both kinda want to thank, the entire Mcelroy family especially Griffin, Travis, Justin, and Clint for just being real real bad at Dungeons and Dragons and for getting us into podcasting through "Mbmbam" and "The Adventure Zone" they're not paying us to say that, just real big fans and you should go watch their stuff, uh

[Mara]: or listen

[Sophie]: er, listen to their stuff, yeah because this is an audio medium and I know that because I'm looking at a microphone and no camera, so anyways this has been polyAM radio and just a reminder before you go, don't date your best friends dad and don't date your dad's best friend, see ya next time folks

["Good old fashioned lover boy" by Queen plays]

[Announcer]: This show was part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative

[End transcript]

#polyam radio #polyamory #transcript #new relationship energy

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penumbra-rp · 5 years

Photo

Congratulations Ricci, you have been accepted for the role of Marlene Mckinnon!

Thirty’s a dirty word for a young woman. Simultaneously, she’s failed to grow up yet succeeds in decaying. Grief doesn’t die, and nor does guilt, but kinder feelings perish slowly, driving Marlene to sigh through Order meetings, feeling hope’s rotting carrion reek a new stench of cynicism. She admits to nobody that she doesn’t believe in any of it. Still, she tries to cling to their ideals, praying that she might earn something for herself as a witness to the sincerity of their hope, waiting for a spark of life to reawaken amidst their earnestness of their idealism.

Admin Becky: Marlene has shaken off her past and shed the weight of perfectionism like a creature determined to find a new, more comfortable skin to grow into. Her stubborn cynicism will undoubtedly help keep the Order grounded, whilst those who dream of cutting corruption out of society may provide her with sparks of hope to alight the kindling of blind rebellion in her chest. I adore how she has formed a sense of maternal kinship towards all those looking to do the same, turning her into something of a figurehead, a beacon, for all those who are lost in the world as she had once been. It makes her so perfect for the Leaky Bucket, her sharpness enough to defend a place that is much a home to some people as it is a refuge.

Please check out our checklist for joining Penumbra.

01. Out of Character

NAME: Ricci

AGE: 20

YOUR BIRTHDAY: 01/25/99

PRONOUNS: she/her

TIMEZONE: GMT+8

02. In Character

CHARACTER: Marlene McKinnon

CHARACTER’S PRONOUNS: she/her

FACECLAIM: I’d like to play Sonoya Mizuno because having no titties is integral to Marlene as a person.

CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: 05/27/89

PERSONALITY:

[ + ] Diligent - Though most may assume such based on the careless with which she carries herself, Marlene isn’t lazy, just selective about what matters to her. When she finds something she cares about, she puts her all into making it work. Seeing the fruit of heartful labor is incredibly rewarding for her.

[ + ] Understanding - An unexpectedly sharp mind accompanies a secretly tender heart, and the combination allows Marlene to easily see situations through the eyes of others… when she wants to.

[ + ] Maternal - Deny it she may, but behind her mask of recklessness and flippancy is a woman that cares deeply about the people in her life. She notices that Order members are getting younger and younger and is overwhelmed with the desire to protect them, wanting to save them from suffering from the same cynicism she regards the world with.

[ + ] Bold - Whether it’s feigned or not is up to debate, but Marlene carries herself with a certain kind of confidence, unwilling to expose her vulnerabilities to anybody she isn’t close to. She isn’t afraid to take risks if it’s for something she cares about or believes in.

[ + ] Self-destructive - Her past history with family deaths and abandonment has left residues of self-loathing within her. Though not explicitly self-hating, Marlene occasionally regards her life with very little care, preferring thrill and adrenaline over her own welfare and safety.

[ + ] Hedonistic - When the working day is done: girls – they wanna have fun. Girls just wanna have fun. That’s all they really want.

[ + ] Irresponsible - It’s the first thing anybody notices. Laid-back and free-spirited as she is, Marlene prefers not to take herself, or life, seriously, preferring to face the tragedies of the world with a sharp wit and a strange, vulgar sense of humor. If life’s a joke, be the first to laugh, she says.

[ + ] Turbulent - Though never easily angered, Marlene is prone to bouts of mania and sadness, her emotions as ever-shifting as the earth’s climate ( thank you, Carrow energies ). She is driven less by ambitions and more by impulses, riding the next new wave of excitement whenever it comes.

BRIEF BULLET POINT BIO:

- Marlene McKinnon is twenty-six years old when her mother takes her own life. Midori, she says, nervous fingers flicking the corners of a page she has yet to read as her gaze lifts to meet the pairs of eyes stare, with scrutiny or with pity, at the newly-orphaned woman standing behind the funeral parlor podium. It should be easy to talk about a woman so many had loved (West End loses its angel to heaven, the obituary had said,) — but Marlene knows her mother has never been one for platitudes. So she tries harder. Midori was a great woman. A great mother. A pause. A breath. There was this time, when I was a kid, I remember — she starts, and doesn’t finish, because in the precise moment Marlene scours her mind for a happy memory, she comes up empty.

- After half a lifetime of striving to crawl out of her mother’s shadow, it is ironic that death makes Midori’s already pervasive presence near inescapable. Tabloid writers and so-called journalists hound Marlene with questions and interview requests in some futile attempt at digging up whatever was left of the story her mother failed to bury. Marlene denies them any answers. The facts they pry out of less trustworthy sources are somehow mostly correct: Her husband’s death years ago had devastated her, but the marriage was tumultuous. She has not spoken to her daughter in more than five years. She left her with nothing.

- Nothing material. That much is true. The pain of abandonment stings but the blow hardly hurts her financially. In fact, she’s proud to say that in half a decade of estrangement, Marlene has built herself a place she could call her own. London isn’t the kindest to neophyte businesswomen, yet the Leaky Bucket has only blossomed under Marlene’s management, slowly growing into a home for scrappy university students and young adult delinquents, far rowdier than the upper class crowd her mother once surrounded herself with. It’s chaos, but it’s hers. Sometimes, her self-made success bears fruit to kinder daydreams. In the best of her imagination, she gets to greet Midori’s disgusted scowl with a grin and a sardonic, “Love me yet, ma?” In her worst, it’s Midori that smiles. The woman’s expression softens at the sight of her daughter’s work, her small lips forming words she would never have spoken outside of this contrived daydream: Marlene, I’m so proud of you.

- Midori leaves no will, no note. But all mothers, in some way or another, leave their daughters an inheritance of scars.

- What is hard to love is even harder to grieve. If the world remembers Midori for her voice, Marlene remembers her for her silence. Wide-eyed and love-starved, a child Marlene had begged for her mother’s affection in the only language the woman seemed to speak: achievements. Thus began a childhood of ballet and piano and voice lessons she hardly enjoyed but felt she needed to pursue, insatiate heart seizing whatever scraps of love she might find in her mother’s smallest of smiles. The harder she tried, the harder it got, because the more she strove to become her mother, the more she learned to accept the impossibility of growing into her mother’s insufferable perfection. The child will spend ballet recitals staring at two empty seats, silently praying for an audience she knows will not come. When Midori does come home, exhausted from hours upon hours of theatre rehearsals, Marlene will have her Clair de Lune rendition be dismissed with a cold frown and the words: You can do better. Outside her family, she will receive more appreciation, but her efforts will no doubt invite the disappointed gazes of her mother’s peers, matched with hushed remarks that the demons lurking within Marlene’s mind will later on replay: not as talented, not as charming, not as electric, not as beautiful, not as poised — she’s not her mother.

- Grief, complicated and disquieting, writhes within her bones. “My ma’ named me after Marlene Dietrich,” the present Marlene half laughs as she addresses the funeral visitors. “Guess she knew I was gonna grow up wanting to wear suits and fight Nazis.” This is the the truth, but not the one her gut feels it needs to spit out. Family, she thinks, is synonymous with fracture. Once, she was content with neglecting the word’s brokenness, but death shatters it past the point of repair. Stammering out a eulogy feels like choking on the shards of whatever it was she failed to fix. Inside, the fragments wound her. Later on, the tabloids will speculate the reason behind Midori McKinnon’s death and come to ill-founded conclusions that a self-loathing Marlene will find herself agreeing with: It was her daughter’s fault.

- The desire to become worse than the bad daughter her parents seemed to believe her to be exacerbated during her college years, ignited by the unexpected invitation to a selective extra-curricular club headed by a certain Albus Dumbledore. Eighteen years old and already far too jaded to fully believe in their fanciful ideals of change, Marlene accepted the invitation half-heartedly, less for their causes and more for the new warmth of knowing she belonged somewhere. Still, in their presence, she found herself braver. The long stirring spark of anger finally turned flame, triggering a new pattern of explosive dinner rows with her father, which pushes an already silent Midori deeper and deeper into her shell. The Order of the Phoenix brought about a new era of rebellions: against corporate giants, against her family, against expectations.

- Mostly, she rebelled against herself. Graffitied a body that failed to be perfect, needling ink stains over skin she always loathed wearing, singed her insides with liquor and passed-around party pills. Here is the revolution against the girl who got it all wrong. Staring at the mirror, she made peace with the woman behind the glass — an unwanted daughter who will make herself repulsive if the only alternative was accepting that she was unlovable. Michaelangelo said: I saw an angel in the marble in and carved until I set him free. With the new knowledge that she was not made of marble and possessed no inner angel, Marlene stopped carving herself in her mother’s shape.

- Too many scandals. Too many arrests. They told her she couldn’t come home anymore. She wanted to tell them it never felt like a home anyway, but her anger was quieter than her grief. The stammering of her heart and her eyes’ threat of tears reminded her later that the daughter who craved their love hadn’t died in a revolution fire as she suspected. She just became quieter. The urge to beg for their acceptance was too loud to ignore, but she willed herself to forget it, and with a pocket full of too much borrowed money and her sights on a burnt wreckage, she set off to carve herself a place of her own.

-Only years into adulthood does Marlene learn to blame herself less. It happens sometimes. Some people are built with their atoms all wrong, their fuses too short, their gears too rusty. Brilliant as the public claimed her mind was, to those close to her, it seemed Midori’s brain was short of the ability to process happiness, to register hope. Perhaps it’s merely genetics, or the high stress of nightly West End performances, or perhaps her mother, and her mother’s mother, and every mother that preceded, had all starved their daughters of love — this is their heirloom, this absence — and none of them learned to give what they never received.

- The child Marlene’s dream of becoming her mother sees fruit later on, albeit in all the worst ways. Her eyes are her mother’s. The way they see the world in sepia tones. Her heart is her mother’s. The way it feels bone-hollow and restless in its hunger for colour. Her exhaustion. Her cynicism. Her loneliness. When she hears the news of her mother’s passing, all she can think of is that college summer spent driving a breaknecking Volvo down vacant roads if only to have that adrenaline-roused daydream of collision burst against all her empty.

- Thirty’s a dirty word for a young woman. Simultaneously, she’s failed to grow up yet succeeds in decaying. Grief doesn’t die, and nor does guilt, but kinder feelings perish slowly, driving Marlene to sigh through Order meetings, feeling hope’s rotting carrion reek a new stench of cynicism. She admits to nobody that she doesn’t believe in any of it. Still, she tries to cling to their ideals, praying that she might earn something for herself as a witness to the sincerity of their hope, waiting for a spark of life to reawaken amidst their earnestness of their idealism.

- The younger Order members, with willingness to throw their lives away for impossible ambitions, terrify her to no end. But they awaken something in her, a new protective instinct, a maternal spark. She wants to save them from her fate, defend their youthful optimism from whatever threatens it. Family, she has always believed, is synonymous with fracture. As the Leaky Bucket bustles with the liveliness of young rebels, they sweep up the shards of old and construct a new definition, one that allows hope to blossom, slowly and organically, within Marlene. If she cannot save the world, she will protect every bold soul that has the audacity to try.

INTERVIEW

i. How do you feel about your current occupation?

Marlene lays her back against the wall of the Leaky Bucket’s storefront, offering a wide grin to the video camera in front of her. Turning away, she crosses one leg, plucks a cigarette out of a pack tucked in the small pocket of ripped black jeans, and sets the tail end ablaze with a lighter, less because she feels like having a drag and more because it might look cool on video.

Perhaps it doesn’t, but the inhale of smoke feels good anyway. “I feel incredibly lucky. Enjoying what you do isn’t a privilege everyone is afforded.” Marlene folds her arms, letting her cigarette dangle between two fingers. “My Ma’ used to say that life in late capitalism is like a Japanese claw machine. All the opportunities are laid out in front of you, seemingly within reach, but the chances of getting anything are actually slim to fuckin’ none.” Her mother never actually said that, but the metaphor was too good to go to waste, and attributing her own words to somebody else makes her seem far less pretentious than she feels at the moment. A knife of a smile cuts through her face. “So let’s fuck up all the claw machines, yeah?”

ii. What song would you say describes yourself?

The drums come first. Then, a single chord. Then, the abrupt, unwanted stab of truth — MY GOD, I’M SO LONELY, SO I OPEN THE —

“Off the top of my head?” Marlene laughs a little, a flippant shrug rolling off her shoulders. “No Scrubs?”

Despite her words, a different song plays in her mind without her warranting, echoing from the memory of having it on repeat weeks earlier, a day before her monthly cycle was due. In her hormone-induced despair, Marlene had drowned herself in cheap wine and the honesty of an annoyingly catchy pop song, all at the expense of any perceived rationality. No, she forces her mind to sing, I don’t want your number, no— nobody, nobody, nobody — I ain’t gonna give you mine and no — NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY —

The Marlene of memory sang along as she stared at the bathroom mirror, dragging cotton pads over the streaks of mascara running down her cheeks. Through her tears, she laughed about the melodrama of it all — the runny makeup, the snot on her nose, her being alone, her naked reflection, her illogical emotions — angry and amused when the more practical side of her mind had made an unglamorous acknowledgment of Maybelline eyeliner’s waterproof quality and interrupted the movie-worthiness of her misery, all while she adjusted the seriousness of her expression to validate herself to a nonexistent voyeur that might have found something poetic in her PMS. “I’ve been big and small,” she blubbered through snot and laughs and half-breaths, “And big and small… and big and small… again and…” And still, nobody wants me. Still, nobody… wants… me… “Give me one good movie kiss… and I’ll be…”

NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY!

The Marlene of present tilts her head, leaning back to take a long drag of her cigarette. “Nothing comes to mind, really.”

iii. Does reputation matter to you?

The chorus of tiny Mitskis fall silent in her mind as a new thought interrupts their melody, prompting her fingers to click against her skin with one abrupt snap. “Bad Reputation!” she says, grin falling open in excitement. “Joan Jett. What a fuckin’ banger. Bit cliche,” she adds, dismissing the notion of her own predictability with an expression of mild disdain and a noncommittal wave of her free hand, “but succinct enough to answer both questions. You could say it’s two birds with one Joan.” Marlene punctuates her sentence with a laugh that rings hollower by the second, ever mortified by her own cheesiness, then raises her chin to greet the camera with a wide, self-loathing grin. “Edit that out or I’ll stab somebody.”

iii. …Does reputation matter to you?

The breath she inhales comes out through her nose as a quiet chuckle. “What a unique question. Genuinely.” Her palm strikes her chest, above her heart. “I don’t think I’ve ever been asked this before.”

Marlene’s smile fades as she presses the tip of her cigarette to her lips. After one long drag, she exhales, letting a now pensive gaze rest on the wisps of dissipating smoke.

It’s hard to be honest when it comes at the risk of being known. Past the smoke tendrils, Marlene’s brown eyes linger on the camerawoman in front of her. Small ashes rain from the tail end of her cigarette. An expression of uncharacteristic earnestness sweeps over her features. “It’s a bit…” she trails, biting her lip. “Complicated.”

If thirty years of life taught Marlene anything, it’s that most women spent their existences doing less growing, and more outgrowing. It’s a hasty generalization that she draws from the narrow pool of her own experiences, but sometimes, she thinks it’s true. Sometimes she looks at women and tries to guess what they hate about themselves. What they like, too. The camera operator is pudgy and small and square-jawed, but she carries herself with confidence behind the lens, as if she knows she belongs there. The girl is beautiful. Marlene wonders if she can tell it to herself without doubt.

She thinks of a younger Marlene, sixteen and tightening a belt around her waist as far as it could go to create proportions that would distract from the absence in her chest. This younger Marlene is overcritical of her reflection: narrow eyes, a flat nose, small lips. Reputations, Marlene thinks, stem from appearances, and appearances are all any girl is ever taught to care about. I think all women grow up hating themselves, she doesn’t say.

“The world we live in carries far too much prejudice,” she says instead, though she wonders if serious words carry any weight if they are said by a person that seems to never take anything seriously. Marlene furrows her eyebrows. “I’m a woman of colour and a lesbian. You get things like catcalling, sexism, homophobia, microaggressions. Not all the time, obviously — people aren’t as bad as we make them out to be — but you have all these unpleasant experiences scattered throughout your existence.”

The younger Marlene doesn’t look anyone in the eye. She keeps her head down, afraid that if anyone looks close enough, they’ll discover the dirty secret lurking in her gaze. In the rare occasions where one does find it, it’s not bad, because they’re ecstatic to unearth a glimpse the same irreverence reflected in somebody else’s. The younger Marlene lets another girl slip a hand under her Catholic school uniform and finds that her touch makes her hate herself less, but the thought of being seen sucks the air out of her lungs harder than a belt tied too tightly around her waist.

“Women like me,” she says, drawing her words out slowly as not to let any useless emotions spill out, “all we have to do is exist, and people of more small-minded worlds automatically draw their own conclusions.” Feeling a new load weighing down her shoulders, Marlene shrugs. “We’re born with bad reputations.”

She doesn’t know what she can do for the world. She doesn’t know how to pry the hatred out of women. How to help them outgrow the unnecessary need to be beautiful. She thinks of other, younger, smaller Marlenes out there, wants to teach them to laugh at the absence of mass on their chests and point instead to the pulse heaving against it — there, she will tell them. That’s the most beautiful part of you.

And she thinks of the Marlenes who are afraid of this pulse and what it wants to love. Her heart swells with the urge to save them, but she doesn’t know how. If she could build a world where love was easier, she would. “Does it matter to me? I like to pretend it doesn’t. But I know —“ she pauses, nervous, afraid of being misconstrued, and wills every bit of sincerity to leak through her words. “I know I don’t want anybody else to suffer. So it matters.”

iv. What is your relationship with your parents like?

With a scoff of relief, Marlene decides that her quota for serious answers has been met. “My Da’s Catholic. My Ma’s Asian. I’m a clinically depressed raging homosexual with sixteen tattoos, five piercings, two terminated pregnancies, three previous arrests, zero university diplomas, an alcohol business, a nicotine problem, and a mild to mildly severe addiction to being a little bit of a cunt.” The corner of her mouth curls into a small smirk. Marlene turns to the camera, shooting a wink that brims with both impishness and affection. “Naturally, I’m their pride and joy.”

v. What languages can you speak?

A length of sleek black hair falls over her face as Marlene throws her head down, hand hovering above her mouth to conceal the quiet laugh of a scoff that escapes her throat. “Trickiest question that’s been asked thus far.” Leaning back, Marlene raises an eyebrow, mouth quirked into a flippant smile. “Because I’m getting this sinking feeling there’s a secretly correct answer, and if I don’t give it, the Duolingo Owl will find my address and set my house on fire.”

vi. If your home was on fire and you could only save one item, what would you choose?

Brown eyes widen in mild horror. “…Russian For Beginners.”

vii. Which Hogwarts University faculty did you study at? The Gryffindor School of Applied Science, the Ravenclaw School of Humanities, the Slytherin School of Social Science, or the Hufflepuff School of Art?

“When I was younger, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, just that I wanted to do something good. So Environmental Science.” The fact that Marlene McKinnon studied in Gryffindor surprises a lot of people. The fact that she never finished the course surprises less. “It’s funny, because I think I did a lot more harm than good. In my second year I ended up dating someone in the non-renewable energy industry. I cheated on her — not my best moment — and it pissed her off — understandably so — and long story short, I guess it’s half my fault that there’s now a hole in the ozone layer in the shape of my pussy.”

vix. What is your social media username?

“I don’t want strangers on my personal accounts but —“ Marlene pauses to snag a slip of paper from her pocket, reading off a spiel she had prepared moments ago. “‘Follow The Leaky Bucket on Instagram at Instagram-Dot-Com-Slash-Capital-T-The-Dot-Capital-L-Leaky-Capital-B-Bucket for a chance to access our secret menu.’” Throwing her hand to her forehead in one lazy salute, Marlene turns to the camera and offers a smile and one last farewell wink. “And review us on Yelp, while you’re at it.”

#accepted

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