#the problem is i have another blog on another email account idk which i should use now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sanrosa · 3 years

Text

10:43pm

A month ago, exactly a month ago, I would not have imagined being in the position I am right now. Because a month ago, I still had uni assignments that were still due, I was still living with my one sister and mom, I had just applied for a learnership which I had hoped and prayed so much for - feeling optimistic because of the responses I gave for the interview, I still had a learner's licence that was about to expire and I was blatantly waiting for it to expire because there was no hope whatsoever anymore that I would get a test before it expires (my punctuality cost me a great amount), I still did not know how I'd really execute my vision of getting into the scenes and finally officially put myself out there as a rapper/artist, I still did not know either how I'd take advantage of the platforms I had initiated but did not carry on with (my blogs, youtube channels, twitter accounts, instagram, etc.) and I still had no full set idea of what I was going to do this year, like exactly what I'm working towards by the end of this unexpected gap year. This was all me, a month ago.

A month later... so much has changed, I'm quite amazed. So... I never quite really finished the assignments on time, and well, in summary: I failed. The hour I spent after reading that email, that hour- in pure shock, is one I will never quite forget. How I had emotions too many, yet none. A state of confusion, shock, heartbreak, deep sadness, then numbness, then acceptance, then happiness, then relief and joy. All in a matter of minutes. At the same time, I was trying not to feel either. I convinced myself that it is not that deep, I am strong and I will get through this. Because in a way, I had also expected it, the way things were going. I could not have expected that I pass with flying colours when the effort I was putting was minimal to none. Literally doing things last minute. So, while I was surprised at failing for the first time in my life academically, I honestly did not have anything or anyone else to blame but myself. The responsibility was completely my own and it is in my doing and way of handling my time that I succumbed to this position (of failure). So, yes, I do know that I am at fault. But fr, it just could not erase the fact that I was in shock hey. But I did move on from that rather quickly. And what I took from that moment were two things... A big lesson, and a big advice. The biggest lesson was (and will continue to be, until I truly learn and master it) - How to take control of my time and manage it efficiently! There will not a lesson as big as this one right here for me. Because it has become my biggest weakness and starting to become my most wounding one, unless I start acting right and learn it. I've been losing too much and too many precious things (opportunities, assets, beautiful moments) to my lack of time management skills. And it hurts! So I have no choice anymore other than to fully commit myself to respecting, cherishing and managing my time the way I'm supposed to, to get to exactly where I want to be. And well, I guess I'd say the advice is actually also in this lesson; Practice, practice, practice! Master the art of doing something when I need to and am able to. There's no better time than now. Anyways, next. Well, just a month ago I thought I'd be living with my sister for the year. But, my aunt and cousin came to visit for a weekend, and my cousin did not have a place to stay yet for his school year (res) so we found out he'll be staying with us. For a month. Jiki-jiki, a month later.. Both my sister and my cousin have left. Gone to their residences and off living their lives. As if I expected that?? I should've, right? No. Because my sister never actually said anything about leaving, and I genuinely thought my cousin was actually going to stay like a bit longer because who starts staying in a place in like the middle of the month, you know? So here I am now, lonely and sad they're both gone and I'm just left with my mother, who besides being a really cool and sweet human, likes to naaagg! about almost anything around the house. from the table not being wiped properly, to the windows, to the curtains, to the food and the way it was cooked, to the. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I understand as she is a black parent. I dislike it (extremely), but I do understand. I mean in any case, she probably has a lot of stress already so this is like her way of taking it out I guess (and lmao that is actually exactly what goes through my mind when she nags. I bounce her energy off, and not let it interfere with my energy, by keeping in mind that she's just trying to air out her 'boiling' thoughts, so i should not let it get to my emotions so that I have a bad vibe because the vibe that's been created. and it works like a charm). At the same time though, I'm not trying to paint a picture of her as an extremely 'complaintive' person lol, it's just i think that i'm not used to this energy anymore. I left the nest last year. Now that I've come back, I'm not sure how the hell I was able to handle such energy... cause it is lame as hell. But anyways, my point actually was how sad I am that my sis and cousin left. So abruptly even. Man. At least my cousin (who actually just left this morning) did leave me with something valuable. A truly valuable gift. He taught me how to make a beat. Just a day ago I didn't know practically anything about making beats. Not even the names of the types of instruments (snares, kicks, hi-hats, melodies). But now, I feel like I've unlocked a whole new world of understanding music. Cause now it feels like I even know exactly what went into the beats that these famous artists (Drake, Kanye, Nicki, PND, Cardi) use for the songs. Of course not exactly what they used, but more or less how they made it. And it looks easier now. My journey on being a rapper now looks more lit up cause bitch I'll even be producing my own hits now. Ah! Lol but okay, honestly, that was fire. And I'm truly and eternally grateful he helped with that. I hope he has a blessed year. Alright... next. (sigh) The learnership. Actually this one kinda still hurts deeply so I won't get too in detail about it, but... I did not get the learnership. Though I genuinely felt like I fit the criteria perfectly when I applied, as well as living very near to the workplace. Heaven only knows why I would be given such an opportunity and have the strength to actually take it, yet the outcome is a complete flop. Like I am honestly trying to understand why I even saw the ad in the first place... At such perfect timing (cause I was not going to be taking a gap year this year anyways)... All to just give me unnecessary hope? Why?? Why break my heart like that??? But ok yeah ... Life and shit. Anyways, the learner's licence. Haha, this one is quite interesting actually. Because to be truly honest, I had almost forgotten that I had a learner's licence. And I think it's because in my mind I had obtained the learner's, took driving lessons and had already planned to take the driver's test in PE, however I was in Gtown for most of last year, so it seemed like something that could not happen until I fully got back to PE, which was December. December came and went with all the fun I had and it completely slipped my mind that I could take lessons and a driver's test during the time. Came beginning of January, I'm preparing for school. Still no 'go book a test' in mind, until the middle/end of January (when it became final that I was not going to school this year) and I thought 'oh damn, this would be the perfect time to actually take lessons and book a test then'. Only to find out I am too darn late; the DLTC is all booked out. Oh, how I regretted wasting my time on idk what. 🙂💔 Fortunately, I was not too bummed out, considering I have another whole year to redo this then. Unfortunately, I stumbled upon a post by one of my favourite artists right now, Saweetie, and found out that she is doing a giveaway (brave of me to enter that world again, I know. I don't know what's my problem really) and well, I decided to enter it. Thing is though, it's a giveaway for a whole Tesla. Yes bitch, a whole entire mthrfking TESLA. And my ass is smart enough to think I would win it lol. Okay, God bless my heart. Anyways, so the catch is.... You need a driver's licence. OBVI! But I don't have one. YET! So, uhm, *cough cough* let me f**king book for learner's as soon as the day it expires!... Okay, done! Now let's go take the test 6 days later!... Okay, done! We passed... Done! Wooh. Now let's book for a driver's test as soon as you get home from writing the test cause we excited asf!... LMAO done! Now let's make sure it's a good date and good time astrologically too (cause that lowkey was the case with you writing the learner's test and boom you passed, even tho you didn't even check).... Done! Okay, we almost there, now go book for lessons at One Way (I'm sure they'll have spots for you cause it's a whole month and 3 days before you take your test lmao).... Done! Yay! I have a whole month to practice. Let's get it! Okay well, that's where I stand so far. Tuesday I'm then going to pay the booking fee and stuff. Then, take lessons from both the driving school and with my mother. Then take the test on Weed Day lmao. So after the test I smoke one up and celebrate victory. 😄 All in due time for the giveaway closing after two days. Wows. Whether I win the giveaway or not though, I'll just be glad that it seriously inspired me this much to finally get a driver's licence. Like, it genuinely pushed me hey. So boom I was able to get a licence this year 😁 Urrrniways... Next. My vision. Oh my dear vision. To be a well known female rapper. Beeeen hiding behind the scenes, you'd never know what I'm up to, whether I'm working, I'm playing, I'm being boring, I'm having a blast... or even having a child, chile (lmao). But one thing's for sure, I am still alive. Okay. And I'm just about to be more alive, and you'll even feel more alive... when my ass starts dropping things. Yasss honeyy, dropping my name, dropping that ass, dropping these beats, dropping this sass. Oh shit, here's the real her. Yes, hi. I been working, and I been playing, now let's get to showinnngg.😁 Lol, okay but on the real. A month ago, I really did not know how to execute my vision. In some parts I still don't really, like the cover for my debut EP (photography-wise), who to really contact for first edition EP-listening, and how much it would completely cost to distribute this whole idea/vision (which I'm actually going to have to start becoming my own professional accountant). But in some parts I now do, including important parts like GETTING THE MIC (😪😁 finally! and guess when it came? March 16th. always a special day for me this one), knowing how to produce my own beats here and there (finally 😁), and how exactly to market to a large number of people (😆more views and stuff), then perhaps less important stuff like the outfit I will wear for my very first performance lmao, and posting my stuff on instagram and tiktok (unexpectedly actually), and actually understanding and lowkey connecting with underrated rappers/singers. It's a pretty dope world to see tbh. Overrall... Babbyy, I see you the see the vision now. It's an exciting time to be in. (Side-note: Lmao I highkey lowkey think the moon being in Gemini just impacted me now. cause suddenly I'm on some other mood within writing this post. lmao shit changed quite drastically than when I began writing). Anyways, next. Last but not least... Taking advantage of these platforms, in conjunction with what exactly I will be doing this year. So, a month ago, I had almost forgotten about my astrology blog. Well, let me actually put it this way... I started to kinda cringe at the thought of my blog because it had been a while since I'd posted, so I wasn't too keen on going on to tumblr again. All the notifs, inboxes and deep cringe from noticing how it's been almost 5 months since I last posted something. Likkke... girl, is you serious or not? Lol, but then... an idea got blessed in my head on the 4th of March (a beautiful idea that will start commencing very soon)... How about I start a small business? :? Selling..... Merch. Based on astrology.😁 It is one heck of a win-win situation for me and the people getting interested in astrology now. But of course... I need an audience to sell to. So, (to the Heavens I thank for the day I randomly posted some astrology thing here on tumblr and it actually blew up and I did not even expect that), now I have some people to at least engage and connect with for this business. And I thank the Heavens even more that my idea somehow got transferred into my mom's head and she popped up a question of "Don't you wanna start selling stuff?" or something like that. And hell to yes, I grabbed that opportunity like no other! (but fr, I was shocked first. like what? you read my mind or sumn?) Lol, and so... Mi lady and I talked business and how she'd invested a K for me to check if I'd really be able to handle it. (Oh and perhaps I might add, my dad also did 'invest' a K for me in terms of my music... cause I was able to buy a mic with the money he gave me. Yes, yes, a whole K went into a mic). So I can only genuinely thank God for the people in my life, and how this path is going for me right now. Like, wow. But yeah. Technically, I haven't received the K from Mi lady yet, but that is good because I'd like to get in touch (and get bigger) with my tumblr astro fam again. Then in a couple of weeks, we officially commence. Just in time for me having a driver's licence. So, things can be easier for me pushing my business. :') Lord God, You are great. The greatest. Otherwise... yeah, then other stuff ke like really building my niche on instagram (posting pics and stuff), starting a music/astrology channel on YouTube (which I released my first video today 😁), and already officiated handles on twitter and insta. I'm not too sure if I care about facebook tbh. but yeah, then all that's left is the website itself and a professional email address. then, digitally, we up!

So yeah man... wooh, what a month passing by. never would've thought of all of these things happening. but I can only thank Lord God because it's none other than His doing that's helping me with all of this. Like I actually cannot explain how grateful I am for how kind and amazing He has been to me. and the fact that I'm able to see and understand why these things are happening. some making me really sad, but it's all just to introducing the next that will make me really happy. I am truly blessed man. wow.

God, I thank you. With all my heart and being. All my existence and soul. I thank you.

#strawberry mint series

0 notes

spac3ang31 · 6 years

Text

I’ve been murdered again

So I don’t know if I made a post about what happened between my friend that was avoiding me or not so I’ll recap everything in a short version here.

We dated for six years and ten months. He broke up with me around Christmas because he fell out of love with me. I fell into depression but we remained as friends because we cared about one another. I started dating another guy despite still not being over my ex. My boyfriend at the time was... not a good fellow but that doesn’t mean I’m a victim or a saint because let’s be honest here, I wasn’t. My ex was seeing other people without telling me. Even though it’s rightfully none of my damn business, I was heartbroken all over again and I obviously couldn’t tell my boyfriend at the time what was up. Although my depression has gotten better, I sometimes had relapses and my boyfriend at the time didn’t make things better or easier for me. But then one day my ex stopped seeing other girls as far as I was concerned and was more focusing on his friends and himself which is good. My boyfriend at the time dumped me on my sister’s birthday and the only regret I have was that I pretended to be heartbroken over it for his sake. I talked to him a month later but it was only about him picking his shit up. Other than that we haven’t talked. I tried to meet up with my ex just as friends and to just hang out and I guess I should’ve been more upfront that I wanted to hang out with him and his friends whenever they get together but I felt (and still do to this day) that they don’t want me around. I mean, I try to hang out with one of them one night. I think we were to go to a hockey game or whatever, I can’t remember. I only know that I was really excited about it and I messaged him my phone number and waited all night for him to call/text/email me about it there was a change in plans or something. He didn’t reply till the next day in the morning saying that he changed his mind about going out. I mean, if something happened I would understand but the least he could’ve done was tell me earlier and something tells me that he was just lying and just didn’t want to hang out with me. I mean, I understand that it would be weird since we don’t know each other that well but wouldn’t it be a perfect time to get to know one another better? I remember while I was dating my ex, we were all in the car and I think he was asking me to do something about the radio or whatever but I was kind of lost in thought at the time and didn’t hear him and when I snapped out of it, I overheard him say in a annoyed tone that I don’t do anything. I don’t know what he meant by that but it did not feel good to hear. It’s probably not a big deal but sometimes I wonder if it really is. I’m not the best at conversations and I come off as a fake when I do try (according to my ex). I’m not good at subtle hints and apparently I’m not good at keeping friends. On the outside, of course I have others that I could hang out with and talk to. But in reality, I don’t. People avoid me, are usually too busy, live too far away, we were never that close to begin with and the ones that “I am close with” have a history of being mean in a subtle manner or at least come off as not putting me in their true friends circle; only a sub. I did not have time with these “friends” in highschool because I was kind of pushing them all away because I didn’t want to deal with them, I was going through some stuff at home and I honestly did not have the time. But come to think of it, I did but I did not make the time. I would rather play games or spend hours online reading manga or pretty much being an anti-social weebao. I mean, I spend time with some people in highschool who were more or less quiet like me but I don’t talk to those people anymore... We’ve drifted and I feel like it’s too late to get back in touch with them because of all the stuff that has happened in their lives. I mean, they either have kids, getting married or moving somewhere far away. I’m not saying it’s their fault because I’m sure I probably did something or acted in a way that would have these people not wanting or caring to be around me. Anyways, earlier this year, my ex was slowly not responding to my texts and soon enough stopped replying all together. I asked what was up and if I did or say something to upset them. I wanted to apologize and fix whatever was going on. They said everything was fine and that they were going through things. I’m thinking ok, I’ll give them space and they’ll come talk to me if they feel like it. Over a month in, I wanted to check on them and they started to ignore me again and tbh I got pissed and I was not in my right mind to start talking to them in such a aggressive manner. I guess?? But my ex eventually replied and has stated that they no longer wish to be friends and they I need to stop talking to them. Yeah, I was outrage and I tend to get overemotional, sometimes overdramatic (I think), I overthink things a lot and I might’ve overreacted to the situation. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I must’ve done or said something to upset him. I must’ve said something that didn’t help my case when he told me that. I don’t know. He won’t give me the satisfied answer and even if he did, I most likely wouldn’t believe him because I feel like he’s been lying to me this entire year and why should I trust whatever he has to say if he doesn’t trust me? And when I say trust me, I mean trust how I’ll react, trust what I’ll say, trust me with information and trust me to be a friend and respect his wishes? It doesn’t sound fair to me. We’ve stopped talking and well I’m showing signs of being depressed again and it’s not just because of him but because of many things. He’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He apparently hasn’t blocked me or deleted me off of his friends list or as far as I’m concerned stopped following my tumblr account. So sometimes I get to see whatever he posts/reblogs when I’m scrolling through the app. His latest reblog is a post of a picture that said to let go of toxic people. Now chances are this doesn’t mean it’s about me but as far as I know, I’m the last thing he’s thrown away. It just does not sit right with me to call me toxic. I do not believe that I am a toxic person but what if I am? Would that explain everything? But instead of talking to me about my behavior and give me a warning and explain, I am left to just be alone without a reason as to why whatever happen happened. I am left to not learn from my mistakes and to not grow. I know it is not anyone responsibility but if you want to make the world a better place and to avoid anyone getting hurt the same way you gotten hurt, should you not try to change/solve the problem? I’ve tried this online thing called 7cups (of tea??) that’s basically online therapy. But for some reason, my payment won’t go through as if there’s something wrong with my account. So I can’t get the full experience but I was talking to someone but then they’ve stopped talking to me when I was showing signs of feeling better. My old laptop had my account information on there and it died. I think it has been years since I was on the website but I’m pretty sure my account has been deleted due to inactivity. A friend that I have been talking to recommended that I go to my local health department because he went there for therapy and he said it was free. Let’s just hope it’s the same for me... I’m going there tomorrow.

Jeez... I said that I would keep this short but it’s still a long ass rant...

oh in case some of you are wondering who my ex is... Here’s his tumblr page: https://zanthros.tumblr.com/

I’m split on wanting him to get hurt and being a better person and let it all go. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it now.

SO here’s an update. The blog is still active but he has unfollowed me and blocked me. Why??? Chances are that he found this post. But this has been up for a couple of days so why now?? Idk. This is just a blog that I normally rant on to get things out of my system. This blog isn’t seen by my usual followers unless my main blog reblogs it or if they happen to stumble upon it. I DON’T want people to after him because it won’t solve anything, it’ll make things worse (though to be fair it can’t possibly get any worse), and it’s not fair.

3 notes · View notes