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#the people who use microlabels and umbrella terms
ipso-faculty · 3 months
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Is saying "intersex and/or mesosex" the same way of saying "trans and/or nonbinary"? Sorry I'm trying to (un)learn, I don't want to be seen as insensitive
No, mesosex should be thought of as a subset of intersex. I'd just say intersex. 👍️
I'm gonna give you a wall of text of context so upfront a TLDR: 😅
TLDR: positioning mesosex as in between perisex and intersex is like positioning bisexual as in between queer and not-queer. Intersex people are organizing for inclusive views of intersex and trying to create a middle ground between intersex & perisex plays into conservative efforts to divide and conquer us. 🧑‍🏫
So a big difference between being intersex and being trans/nonbinary comes from the role of medicine being far, far more powerful in its control and oppression of intersex people. In a lot of ways intersex is more like disability than like other queer identities. So much of intersex identity is gatekept by doctors. Intersex people are often told they're intersex by a doctor in a context of telling them they are disordered and broken. Fostering community amongst intersex people is hard because so many of us have been conditioned by doctors to think of themselves as rare freaks.
Right now we in the intersex community are fighting a kind of desperate battle for people to understand that it is intersex people who decide who is and isn't intersex, as opposed to it being up to doctors. And the intersex community consistently says that people with PCOS, Poland Syndrome, or even no diagnosis, who feel that their experiences line up with being intersex are intersex.
Meanwhile TERFs and other conservatives are pushing real hard to keep the definition of intersex as narrow as possible. They don't want intersex people to be common or for us to find community. They're invested in a narrative that intersex people are rare, and are disorderd men/women.
Right now, the track record of treating mesosex as not intersex has unfortunately been that it reinforces those conservative narratives. It's gotten used to imply that people with PCOS aren't really intersex, that they are mesosex instead. Same for undiagnosed intersex people. 😭
Even though this is not what I intended for the term, seeing what's happened with it in the wild it's been honestly scary and upsetting seeing this term get weaponized against an inclusive view of what intersex means. (And more experienced intersex folks raised concern about this well in advance 😨.)
Intersex being an umbrella category I think there is value in having microlabels within the umbrella category, which is why I updated my definition of mesosex rather than abandon the term altogether.
But yeah I would definitely steer far away from treating mesosex as though it's in between intersex and perisex - it's really not at all analogous to being nonbinary. I'd say a better analogy is that treating mesosex as if it is between intersex and perisex is like treating bisexual as being in between queer and non-queer.
The stakes are political inclusion and organizing - politically speaking, any effort to create a group between queer and non-queer generally serves to weaken the collective organizing of queer people. Same deal with intersex. Hope that clarifies things. 💜
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Aita for not making any of my characters, that I have to crank out daily, pansexual/polysexual/omnisexual specifically and only making them bi?
🏳️‍🌈👶🏼 so i can recognize this later lmao also I'm not panphobic or anything, this isn't about the validity of the label, pan is fine.
So i (20snb bi) have a project I'm working on where I take all the characters from a specifc media I'm into and pair them up with each other to make every possible ship kid from every possible ship(excluding characters who are kids themselves or are related or something, that shit is gross). Basically taking every character and pairing them up with another and creating a kid I think they'd have. Its a big project with lots of characters and I'm easily over 400 at this point. I really enjoy this, even if I'm not even 25% complete.
However I set a schedule for myself that at least one ship kid needs to come out each day which, considering I draw them, color them and give them some development and some even have siblings, (The refs themselves easily take me an hour to an hour and a half) I have to make lots of them quickly to keep up with my daily grind. I've been doing this project for over a year and although it's stressful, I can get them out quickly with breaks for myself.
Their character sheets all have some pretty basic info like their name, gender, pronouns, personality and more but it also includes their sexuality/orientation. I have a pretty basic list of options for what their sexuality will be: straight, lesbian, gay, Enbian, bi, Aro, ace and aroace with a few random things like polyam, WLW and a good amount of the something-loving-something/juvelic terms. I did this because, well, there's not many entirely unique orientations outside of them and although I love mogai/xenogenders and complex identities, I dont want to potentially drag up discourse or bring problems to my budding art blog over it. Its just not worth it to me to turn something I really care about on its head, even if I like microlabels.
In this case, I'm using bi as an umbrella term as most of the other terms share the same definition with slight variations in wording or action but not much difference in practice. We all like everyone, it's basic stuff. However, apparently this is a problem.
I've gotten one or two anons asking me questions about my guides asking some kind stuff like is this lesbian ship kid a butch or femme or Is this picture of them now or just at the age you put on the ref and other harmless stuff. Then things got rude with some Nbphobia but thrice now I've gotten asks:
1. Asking snarkily if im a panphobe
2. insulting me for not specifically writing pan or Omni and just writing bi.
3. Saying that I "clearly dont care about pansexual representation." Then brought up how my primary oc is native american so i clearly care about representation but that oc used to be a sona and I'm native?? Its confusing. (And Lowkey racist shit to just assume any native character is a "diversity quota" character instead of just a person existing but I digress-)
Im not pan, im bi so ig these people assume I'm not cool with pan people which isnt true? I have nothing aginest them, they are just pretty similar and I dont feel like it matters if they are specfically bi or pan or poly or any other label. I don't go into details like that for any other sub-group, not even pronouns and I included combinations and some common Neopronouns. I understand the importance of representation but my project has less than 50 people looking at it every day, Im not netflix or something. I'm one guy on the most LGBT blogging site with a big project and very little audience, I'm not showing people who wouldn't already know what pan is that pansexuality exists.
This project isn't that deep considering the characters in question aren't human/dont have human characteristics.(no it's not hazbin/helluva) Also ive never spoken about lgbt discourse or stated anything remotely close to it beyond the guides just passively having characters who are an LGBT identity. I've not even mentioned all the potentional orientations they could have so I'm not sure where/why this came up in the first place. The most politcial things ive said are calling out a creator in my fandom who outed themselves as a transphobe and mentioning im pro-palestine. That's it.
I mean this is pretty low stakes, I can just block these people and be done with it and this some seriously online shit but I just wanna check.
Am I being an asshole for just writing bi instead of specifying their mspec label because I have to produce characters quickly and I don't see enough of a difference to warrant a change/specification that would ultimately slow and clog an already stressful and complex project?
I dont think I am but idk lol
What are these acronyms?
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I feel a little bit isolated from the ace community, bc it seems that no one had similar experiences to me in childhood and teens up till now. While everyone seems to have hated sex or never thought of it, I was always expectant of it. I was excited for future sexual experiences, thinking I would have it really early and it would be the most amazing experience ever.
I never questioned my aceness till I actually had encountered and realised I didn't feel anything.
I don't know if this is a sign that I might not be ace. But it doesn't feel right to not be. Ace is a way of explaining how I experience attraction and my relationship with sexual stuff.
I also feel like my aspiration to be sexually active might have come from fantasy in the sense that it was make-believe for me. It wasn't quite pretending, I did want to do it, and that fact remains.
And I still kinda do, but now I know I won't get anything out of sex or even kissing.
I just feel kinda... eh? about i
( answered by noah [so be nice :")] )
Being asexual doesn't always necessarily mean you don't like sex, you can still want to participate in it. You can feel the desire to have sex, but not feel any attraction to those who you'd have sex with (example of Cupiosexual). You could also view porn and masturbate, but not wish to engage in said activities (example of Aegosexual). You might even feel sexual attraction to someone only after you form a close bond with them (example of Demisexual).
There are plenty of microlabels on the asexual spectrum, it is a spectrum after all. Some people prefer to use umbrella terms to define themselves. In contrast, some like getting into the nitty-gritty of microlabels, finding a term that perfectly encapsulates themselves and who they are. Don't feel pressured to choose a microlabel if you don't want to, just know that they're there if "asexual" just doesn't feel right.
I'd suggest looking through some microlabels to see if any feel right. And if not, it doesn't matter!! You can question if you're ace and decide you're not ace, at the end of the day it's only your opinion that matters dude.
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transtalesofdoom · 10 days
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The Label Thing - personal experience
I've talked previously about labels I've considered, used, or decided not to use in passing. Let's talk about it in a bit more detail!
I like labels. It's a personal preference, and I understand why someone wouldn't, but I like having words to describe myself with. I like having a handful of terms to explain my experiences quickly. I also like knowing that there's more people with these experiences, grouped under my label. Makes it feel a little less lonely.
Before the whole gender thing, I had already picked out the labels of biromantic asexual. Gender never really meant anything to me, and why would I care about stuff like genitals if I didn't intend to interact with them. Opted for bi over pan because it sounded nicer and the flag was prettier.
And then the gender thing happened and I suddenly had an entirely new experience to describe. One that was still developing.
The first day after I had come out to myself, I neither liked the term "man" nor "trans" for myself. Both seemed too solid for what I was. I was a dude or a guy, but a man? There's the whole societal aspect to it, how trans men can get treated poorly for "becoming the enemy", that I won't get into here, but it definitely was at play. And "trans" had an oddly definitive feeling to it. Like I had a gender and goal in mind, when I very much didn't. This was weird to me, because I knew that's not how the label is used. Anything that isn't cis can be labeled as trans. But at first it felt like I was appropriating it.
Nonbinary was a pretty safe catch-all. I was, by the very definition, not binary. Nor did I think anyone else was, but that was beside the point. Genderqueer was another option worth considering, since my gender was most definitely queer, but something about it didn't really click with me. Maybe it was the flag and the fact that certain trans-exclusionists used the same colors because they fancied themselves suffragettes.
I became a little more comfortable with it as the compound of transmasc. That was me. I was transing into the masculine. Not very committal, but a descriptor of what I was up to with the gender.
I still liked the term "woman", weirdly enough. Having watched so many Woman-Power movies (shoutout to Oceans 8 and Birds of Prey specifically), it had taken a while for me to fully embrace that label to begin with, and once I had managed to find it empowering, I didn't want to let go of it again. Even if I was transmasc, "Woman" by Kesha was too good of a song to leave behind. I was a motherfucking woman!
I did a bit more snooping around into other labels to see if anything would stick. I found and read the comics by ND Stevenson, and came across the ones where he describes being bigender. And I liked that description. It resonated with me. Especially because he references the Kesha song, I guess. 'Vibrating between genders too fast to see' felt relatable. So maybe I was bigender?
But I wasn't vibrating between male and female. Those were a part of it, sure, but there was more. And also less. I was every gender and no gender simultaneously. And while that is a possible subgroup of bigender, it once again felt like using the term, although I liked it, wouldn't properly convey my experience.
That night I decided to coin "fuckgender", only to discover that not only did this label already exist, but it also described exactly what I was feeling. (Not to be confused with genderfuck.) And yet, while that was a fun little anecdote, it wasn't what I wanted from a label. And the fact that other people were using it, thereby turning it into a functioning microlabel, made it less appealing to me, somehow.
Instead, I decided to embrace "trans" as an umbrella term for the time being. I didn't really need to define it any further. "transmasculine nonbinary" worked well enough to convey my identity to others. I could elaborate for those who wanted to know more. For myself, the label was the same as my gender. It was kinda there and kinda not, both everything and nothing all at once. More of a general vibe than an actual word.
And that works for now. Maybe that will change. Probably, even. I might embrace bigender, or multigender, I might find my trans experience to be binary enough to go by trans man. Maybe I'll do a U-turn and become a nonbinary woman.
There's only one way to find out and personally, I'm excited for it.
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asexual-society · 4 months
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Hi! Since the world "asexual" is mostly used as an umbrella term for the whole spectrum, do you know if there is a term/microlabel that describes someone who experiences NO sexual attraction at all? I would like to have a term that would explain how I feel but can't think of anything :(
The word for that is asexual.
Yes, "asexual" can be and is used by people who fall elsewhere under the ace umbrella (often for ease and simplicity, a bit like queer, and they may or may not use another label as well), and I'm not denying those people the label at all! but asexual is not solely used as an umbrella term. Personally, I experience no sexual attraction whatsoever and I am asexual, I am asexual because I do not experience any sexual attraction.
Let's be real here, the predominant use and understanding of asexual as a label in outside the community just describes someone who does not experience sexual attraction at all. The fact that we regularly get asked by acespec people if they can call themselves asexual (the answer is yes) is proof of that! In the community we use the definition "little to no sexual attraction" (and also note we still use "no sexual attraction" in that definition) in order to be inclusive of those people on the ace spectrum or under the ace umbrella who identify as or with the label, or just prefer to use it, not to exclude those asexual people who experience none at all.
Hope this helps?
~ mod key
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merely-a-caricature · 5 months
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Happy Asexual Spectrum Awareness (Ace) Week!
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Ace week has started! Asexual awareness week takes place during the last full week of October, and will be taking place in this wonderful year of 2023 from October 22-28! I will be linking my sources at the end if you want to check them out and get extra info!
Ace Week is a time for us in the community to focus on all things asexual! Part of this involves campaigning for a greater understanding and acceptance of ALL of those in the ace-spec! It’s also a time to reflect on how far we’ve come as a community!
Now, since been talking about asexual it’s and awareness, but what exactly does it mean to be asexual?
Some who is asexual (shortened ace) experiences little to no sexual attraction, and what attraction is felt may be expedience in a way that is different from the norm. Asexuality is an umbrella term used for those on the asexual spectrum (or ace-spec). Being asexual may mean you’re not interested in sex, it may be that your repulsed my the idea of sex, but it could also mean you feels disconnect from sex. There a multitude of reasons why some may identify as asexual. One reason why someone may be asexual is because they have a low sex drive/libido
Being asexual is not the same as having a low sex drive or libido. Someone who is celibate may not have sex but still feel sexual attraction or have a high libido but not act in those desire for various reasons. Sexual attraction is not the same as a sex drive. Sexual attraction is wanted to perform sexual acts with a specific person or gender whereas libido is defined as sexual desire. What is meant by sexual desire is essentially a physiological response in which one gets aroused. Just because a person gets aroused does not necessarily mean they want to have sex either. It can simply be a response from your body due to hormones or other things without any of the psychological desire for sexual acts.
Sex drive is one’s general “appetite” for sex in general, not a specific person like with sexual attraction. Bottom line is, asexuals may have a sex drive, they may experience physiological arousal, but they rarely if ever experience the attraction to a specific person to want to have sex.
Although asexual people may not experience sexual attraction, they can most certainly experience other types of attraction like romantic or aesthetic attraction. For example, you can be a heteroromantic-asexual, or a homoromantic-asexual, and so on and so forth. I won’t get super in-depth here, but I can link some stuff about the Split-Attraction-Model (SAM) if you want to learn more. I just also want to mention not every asexual (or aromantic) person uses or likes the SAM. Personally, I find it helpful, but you can also chuck it out a window if if you want
Additionally, there are various cultural and personal attitudes asexuals may have towards sex. I have made post about the cultural attitudes towards sex and the personal attitudes towards sex respectively. As an example, I would say I am sex-ambivalent and sex-neutral personally. If you want to know what that means, read my posts or check out some resources I have linked at the end
Asexuality is a spectrum. Some people, like me, experience no sexual attraction. Other aces may experience attraction on occasion or in certain circumstances, like demisexuals who only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with someone. People who experience sexual attraction infrequently may be called graysexual . There are many microlabels out there, and it’s a personal choice whether or not to use them
I have the sources I used and some more resources linked if that interests you, and you can, of course, do some of your own more in-depth research! I would highly recommend checking out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network as they have a lot of good information, answers to questions, and you can finds links to forums and such!
Sources/Extra Resources
What is Ace Week
Asexual
Sexual Attraction vs Sexual Arousal
Split Attraction Model
Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
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redtail-lol · 1 year
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Lunian microlabels that I coined!
Lunian is an umbrella term for mspec lesbians, but that can mean different things to different people. Since the lunian flag and name were based off of the moon and the sea, I've created 6 tidal-based flags for different experiences! I will be creating bi/pan/poly/omni/abro variants too! Flags based on Kenochoric's Lunian flag!
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#1: Full-Moon Springtide Lunian
[Image ID: A 5 striped flag modeled after the lunian flag by kenochoric. The top stripe is a deep navy blue; the second one down is a bright bluish indigo; the middle stripe is a light sky blue; the second to last stripe is a pale sea foam green; the bottom stripe is white. The flag on the left has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. Both flags have blue full moons. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who considers themselves lunian because they're attracted to multiple genders that are considered part of lesbian attraction! Ex: wlw and wlnb. I, OP, am a Full-moon springtide lunian!
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#2: First-Quarter Neaptide Lunian
[Image ID: A 5 striped flag modeled after the lunian flag by kenochoric. The top stripe is a deep navy blue; the second one down is indigo; the middle stripe is a deep sky blue; the second to last stripe is a bright aqua green. The bottom stripe is a pale sea foam green. The flag on the left has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. Both flags have blue half moons, with the left half being obscured by shadow. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who considers themselves lunian because they are mspec, but their attraction to genders considered part of lesbian attraction is much greater than their attraction to other genders, and as such they feel somewhere in between mspec and lesbian; using lunian as an alternative to homoflexible or lesbiflexible
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#3: New-Moon Springtide Lunian
[Image ID: A 5 striped flag modeled after the lunian flag by kenochoric. The top stripe is a deep, dark violet; the second one down is a slightly lighter shade; the middle stripe is a slightly dark periwinkle; the second to last stripe is between turquoise and blue. The bottom stripe is a bright sea foam green. The flag on the left has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. Both flags have blue half moons, with the right half being obscured by shadow. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who considers themselves lunian because they use the split attraction model, and are lesbian in one form of attraction and mspec in another.
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#4: Third-Quarter Neaptide Lunian
[Image ID: A 5 striped flag modeled after the lunian flag by kenochoric. The top stripe is a deep, dark violet; the second one down is a slightly lighter shade; the middle stripe is sky blue; the second to last stripe is a desaturated light blue. The bottom stripe is a very pale blue. The flag on the left has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. Both flags have blue new moons. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who considers themselves lunian because they are mspec, and are reclaiming the historical definition of lesbian!
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#5: Tidalphasic Lunian
[Image ID: The original lunian flag by kenochoric with its dark purple top stripe, purple second stripe, desaturated sky blue middle stripe, bright aqua green second to last stripe, and bottom pale green stripe, with an overlay of 4 blue moons in a small arc. From left to right, they are a full moon, a half moon with left side shadow, a new moon, and a half moon with right side shadow. The left flag also has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who's reason for identifying as lunian is fluid and changes. They go through the many phases of possibilities just like the moon and tide!
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#6: Midtide Lunian
[Image ID: A 5 striped flag modeled after the lunian flag by kenochoric. The top stripe is a deep navy blue; the second one down is purple; the middle stripe is a slightly dark periwinkle; the second to last stripe is a deep turquoise; the bottom stripe is a pale aqua blue. The flag on the left has a fade between the top two stripes and bottom two stripes. Both flags have blue crescent moons. End ID.]
Meaning: A lunian who's experience as a lunian was not covered by this post, or a lunian who's experience as a lunian is a mix of the labels here. You are all valid lunians but I don't know every way to be a lunian! Just like the tide, lunian experiences aren't rigid and there are times you are in between two.
Have a lovely day all lunians and please feel free to coin tidal terms for your experience if it wasn't given its own label here!
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[Image ID: A reddish brown image bordered with the aurora lesbian, lunian, bi lesbian, and omni lesbian flags. There's an illustration of a calico cat and text that reads "PLEASE: •Check my pinned before following •DNI: Pedos, zoos, people seeking discourse, solicitors, and anyone seeking a relationship with me." End ID.]
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candyheartedchy · 7 months
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sorry, my last ask was already pretty long but i forgot to add this and felt like this was also important. as someone who tried delving into specific microlabels and spiraled into a rabbithole bc of it for A While, i also wanna say that it's ok to just go with broader labels. it's ok to just say maybe you're mspec (umbrella term for being attracted to more than one gender) instead of elaborating if you're bi or other specific kinds of mspec. (i'm using bi as an example bc that's what i use for myself rn, not to be dismissive of the other labels.) it's okay to just say you're on the aro spectrum instead of specifying if you're demi or ficto or etc. if you feel like none of them stick perfectly. it's ok to just call yourself unlabeled or genderqueer or a secret third option instead of specifying if you're cis or trans. contrary to what some people might think, there is no dichotomy, no "if you are not X then that means you must be Y."
of course, if you find that microlabels work for you, that's awesome! i'm again just trying to provide a perspective of "it's not a must". it's ok to be like, vague with it sometimes. and i'd argue that trying to be too specific with it might end up stressing yourself out unnecessarily. it's not a bad thing to be specific, but i've just seen people give themselves a hard time for not doing that and i wanna say it's ok! :}
anyway, i don't want to come off as like someone only saying what not to do so if it helps: my fictional crushes and going by other pronouns are def what clued me into my own IDs in the first place. ever since i was a kid i have crushes on anyone (when it comes to characters), girls included! that clued me into the fact that maybe i'm not straight IRL. when i was a teen i figured i liked presenting masculine and neutral sometimes, and i went by genderfluid for a while. that didn't entirely feel accurate to me so i dropped it, and now i just say i'm trans and nb and leave it at that for the most part.
Don’t apologize, it means a lot that you’re reaching out and helping me about this!
The thing is that I never really used labels before, like ever, and honestly I wasn’t sure if I needed to because my attraction to folks (real and fictional) has always been all over the place and confusing. And not gonna lie, I been looking for a name for years to figure out what I would be called, but like you said, it’s like a rabbit hole.
And it’s great that your fiction crushes help to understand your attraction better and that you were able to go with what felt natural to you! Because that’s what I struggle with is being true to myself, so I appreciate you helping 💗
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Welcome!
The purpose of this blog is fairly simple: people who are looking for a label that describes them can come here, give a description of what they’re looking for, and receive a list of labels!
There is only one mod currently, and you can call me August or Crow! I mainly use he/him, but don’t mind the occasional neopronoun!
Rules:
Give a description of the identity you want labels for. This can be as brief or as in-depth as you want!
I’m also willing to make lists of name and/or pronouns that fit a certain theme, but I will likely not be as good at this
Be respectful, and understand that identity can be a very complicated and nuanced thing.
Please use tone tags/indicators when it is necessary or applicable!
I don’t really have a DNI; if someone makes me uncomfortable, I will block them. However, no NSFW/18+ only blogs!
Have fun! :D
Edit 26/12/23: Here is a post about and with a link to my queer dictionary carrd that is currently a work in progress!
Important disclaimers are under the cut! Please read before submitting a request!
Disclaimers:
Nobody can choose a label for you except for yourself; this is just meant to help show you some different options you may or may not have heard of before.
A label can mean different things to different people; I will try to list the most common definition(s) but it’s ultimately up to you to decide how you want to interpret it!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with going unlabeled or using an umbrella term! There is also nothing wrong with using a specific label, microlabels, or a million different labels!
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the-owl-house-takes · 2 months
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okay. Putting my two cents in here as a bisexual sapphic who sometimes calls myself a lesbian (usually when I'm talking about my attraction to women in the older sense, since lesbianism excluding men is actually a fairly recent thing. Queer history is important kids!)
So is headcanoning Amity as m-spec is lesbiphobic/queerphobic in [__] way?
It really isn't. I'm not going to get into why lesbianism has recently grown to exclude bisexual and other multi spec individuals from the term and how radical feminism particularly plays a part, anything to do with political feminism, etc. I know people have.. very not takes about lesbians possibly liking men or being bisexual, so lets just leave that whole can of worms alone. I'm going to be excluding amity liking men from this because?
M-spec, aka multi spectrum attraction, doesn't necessarily include men. It means just that - attraction that isn't simply to one gender. That can be bisexual (and microlabels under its umbrella like pansexual) or it can be, like a popular definition of lesbian, non men loving non men.
Non all lesbians like "non men" sure. Non men includes, of course, women particularly, but considering non binary people's existence, can include them to. And something about non binary people? Not all of us are women or want to be included in women centric attractions! Hence why a lesbian may choose to identify as mspec even if they don't like men. And why anon might choose to headcanon Amity as mspec, especially since they specialified that her mspec lesbianism doesn't include men.
I would also just like to add - lesbian being "non man loving non men" is a very recent definition. Many lesbians only see their attraction as women oriented and saying that, of course, amity mustn't be considered mspec because of her lesbianism is.. pretty invalidating to many lesbians! This isnt to say that anyone attracted to not-just-women-but-some-ebies-as-well HAS to call themselves mspec, its just a more specific term that should be accepted in queer communities, and since TOH has a lot of overlap? I though we would've been less exclusionary by now.
-
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thatone-churro · 3 months
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How on earth is saying 'a cis person only attracted to people of the same gender is not LGBT' homophobia?
Seriously?
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did you completely miss the part where the discussion was about aromantic cishets. and where i said “anything about romance/gender/sexuality that makes us an other makes us queer.” i don’t know how else to explain to you that not experiencing romantic attraction is not part of the norm of the greater society. that makes them queer. the same logic applies for cisgender, heteroromantic, asexuals. that makes them part of this community that’s built on, by, and for the “others” in that sense of society.
using that word was half my point. y’all are forgetting that “homophobia” is just as much an umbrella term as “gay” is. we are literally the only ones that care about having microlabels for the wrongs done to us, i can promise you that. it was to emphasize my point that it doesn’t fucking matter what we call it for who it’s done to, in the eyes of anyone else that’s gonna treat us that way it’s all the fucking same. which is why we shouldn’t be having competitions to decide who’s “queer enough” to be called “queer” in the first place.
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inevitably-johnlocked · 8 months
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Hi. So I am not sure it is right that I am writing here but I honestly don't have anyone else to ask about this. I am following your blog for a long time and I have had many asks before from you so I feel like weirdly you are someone I can trust and ask things from. You were talking about being ace before and I am just started to question myself in my late twenties. Just to sum it up, I have never been in a relationship and I started to question myself whether it can be because I am under the ace umbrella or I just simply haven't found anyone I could click with. When I was reading about all the different asexuality types I felt like some of them are like really close but I am still not sure. What if I only feel like this because I haven't had anyone? Maybe I was just unlucky so far and once I will have someone it will be different....but what if it is connected? These are the things are in my head and I am honestly just wondering maybe coming from personal experience or your opinion as someone who I presume is longer in the ace community that what do you think? Or what can you recommend for me to have a look at or someone who is in a similar shoe? I couldn't find anyone or anything about never being a relationship is connected to being ace or it's just not that..? Hope it's okay I have asked this here. Thank you <3
Hey Nonny *HUGS*
OOOF I can relate to finding out you're ace a bit later – mine was when I was 32/33 – and let me tell ya, I initially also thought it was because I wasn't in a serious relationship ever.
Now this is just me speaking from personal experience, but I hope it will help you too.
My journey of questioning lasted four years, and it was a LONG four years of reading, testing labels, seeing what fit, etc. And it could be you're also going through the same thing I did, and THAT'S OKAY. And my journey ALSO looked into my romantic attractions as well. You might be confused and unsure because you may be aromantic; it's TOUGH to figure that kind of thing out, especially if you've never had sex, never WANTED to have sex, and never had any sort of serious relationship. And because I don't want to rule it out, it could also be a chemical imbalance within you, or your medications, if you have any, could be affecting your biology as well. Just something to consider, but PLEASE think of it as a last resort, because a lot of doctors don't think asexuality is "a thing" (a doctor I saw recently had no idea what it was, and thought my lack of interest in sex is because of my OCPD... while it could be a contributing FACTOR, it's not the reason, because I KNOW I've been this way all my life). So it's worth exploring as a secondary issue, BUT you seem certain you're ace, so I will continue this reply on that assumption.
Early in my journey, it's SO confusing and overwhelming. For me it was "I WANT to be with someone, but... I don't want to really fuck them?? Like, that person is aesthetically pleasing to me, but I don't think anything beyond that? It's tough being ace and trying to navigate a hypersexualized world.
I'm gonna cut to the chase and give you this term to look into: "split attraction model". This changed EVERYTHING for me, and what started to help me understand myself better. Essentially, it is the principle that mainly-aspec people use to help define their sexual vs romantic attraction. It opened a lot of avenues of discovery for me, and I think it will help you too, especially as a fellow "never been in a relationship" ace.
THAT SAID, you are not any less ace BECAUSE you haven't had a relationship. It took me a long time to come to terms with that concept, since the fact that I was never in a relationship was used against me (and many aces), that I just hadn't met the right person yet.
FUCK THAT. No one knows YOU better than YOU. And if you currently are trying on the ace label and it feels right at the moment, then you are asexual, no microlabels needed. And it's no one else's business other than yours and a potential partner's. That's it.
So yes, it MIGHT be connected, and you might find out, when you're with someone, that HEY you might actually be gray asexual, or demi sexual, and THAT'S OKAY. Your labels can change over time as you figure yourself out.
And if you never settle? That's okay too. Don't beat yourself up, Lovely. You're YOU, not the label society wants you to have.
Some websites you can check out for more starting point research:
Understanding Asexuality (Trevor Project)
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
The A-Spec Category (LGBTQIA+ Wiki)
I hope you find a bit of comfort in my words, and never hesitate to ask me anything. I enjoy helping other aces figure themselves out <3
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roughkiss · 2 years
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If you see this, please help me spread this. I see a lot of people trying to explain this in the middle of arguments on posts in pieces, but I think a lot of younger people don't understand because they've never seen the whole thing laid out in one place. They're trying to help, but because they've only seen part of the argument, they don't understand they're spreading harmful misinformation under the guise of being informed, so here goes:
I know some of you have really really really drunk the terf Kool aid so I want to be gentle, but friends, queer is not a slur anymore than gay is a slur. I know that a lot of younger people in the community think they're being helpful telling people not to use queer, but ask yourself: who told you queer is a slur? That queer is the worst word and you can't use it? Who stands to benefit from removing our umbrella term? Terfs. Terf is a shortening of Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. That's a fancy way of saying that this group doesn't believe trans women belong in women-only spaces. There has been a small movement on Tumblr to instead refer to terfs as farts which had a funny acronym which I can't remember off the top of my head. The reason for this is that terfs chose the acronym terf on purpose. Shortened it doesn't sound so bad, and the word exclusion on first glance often sounds right to young people who are just getting involved in the movement. Yes, of course, we're just trying to get to a specific group. They present this as a safety concern. I'll get into that in a minute.
Gay is not an umbrella term in modern usage. I'm not gay, but I'm also not straight. I do not owe it to you, random person on the internet, to go into my exact microlabels, hell, I don't always know exactly what words would be right as I feel myself out, but queer is always correct for me.
This discourse has been going on since the beginning of the modern gay movement, so let me summarize why people don't want you to use queer. Queer is an umbrella term. What that means is it's a catch-all for a large group of people. I am a mammal and so is my dog. This is useful to distinguish us from say, reptiles. We have roughly the same requirements for living which makes my dog an easier pet to keep than say, a bearded dragon. The umbrella term classification is also a political tool. If you call my community the gay community, well, like I said, I'm not gay. I'm closer to bisexual. Do you know who a lot of exclusionary types want to keep out of the "gay community?" Yup, bisexuals. Not gay enough for the gays and not straight enough for the straights.
But the thing is, bisexuals are usually the second rung to get removed, the first is trans people, for much the same reason. Not feminine/masculine enough for the group, so we want to push them out.
Below is a version of how this type of argument usually plays out:
Lesbian Group: This is a women only space! We need this for safety! No men allowed!
Trans Women: Oh awesome! A group of women! Finally some comraderie!
L Group: Wait wait! Not like that! You aren't -really- a woman! You have advantages women don't have! You're trying to take resources/space/safety from -real- women! You can't join!
Trans Women: Actually, we experience violent crime at a rate higher than anyone else in the queer community, including murder trans women of color most of all. Also, uh, can you please tell me what advantages I could possibly get from transitioning socially in a society that actively hates people like me?
L: You're taking space away from -real- women!
Trans Women: Okay but like, if that's the case, wouldn't women who've had hysterectomies not be...women?
L: That's different! You're just trying to sow dissent!
Trans Women: Okay fuck this I guess, I'll go find somewhere else to be.
-----
I could keep going. The scene plays out over and over again. Bisexuals or pansexuals are not welcome because of their association with men. Did you know lesbian used to be ANY woman that liked women in any capacity? But that usage has changed over time to exclude bi/pan women. Nonbinary people are acceptable only if they are assigned female at birth which brings us back to that gender essentialism shit. Intersex people are hardly mentioned it all unless it's to exclude them from sports. We don't want leather at pride. (The second-oldest pride flag, the bear pride flag, is related to this community, but okay. You're right) We don't want asexuals in our community because they don't face oppression (bullshit, aces have always been here, please see: the spinster movement and GTFO, also, consider that someone who doesn't want to get in a relationship because they don't experience sexual attraction is under the SAME societal pressures to get married and have kids as gay people.) Polysexuals don't belong because they might be straight! Eek! (Again, if you aren't trying to get straight, heterosexually married, society has a problem with you.)
There's probably groups I've left off, but hopefully you're getting the picture.
Why is this important? Like who cares if everybody packs up their toys and plays in their own little cliques? Here's why it matters. If I join the group from the above pretend conversation it's only a matter of time before the more purely lesbian women who kicked out the trans women decide that I'm not lesbian enough for the lesbian club despite being someone who almost exclusively seeks relationships with women. This is just a social club, but this also is going to cut me off from my community and make it harder for me to find the relationships I'm seeking in the first place. It isolates me from potential friends and lovers, but it also means that if something goes wrong for me I have less people to turn to.
As an example, I went to a lesbian meetup over the weekend and was having a conversation with a woman that to my surprise has had my exact job but chose to pursue a different field. Not only that, but as I was describing my difficulty at work because I don't feel it would be safe to be out, she mentioned the names of two other women who are doing the same job and would be good contacts for me, all because I went to a meetup. If I didn't feel welcome, that wouldn't have happened. Going forward I'm going to talk to them about making their messaging more clearly welcoming to people that aren't strictly lesbians in the modern sense because although I am aware that the women running this group are older and are not trying to exclude people, their lack of statement saying trans women are welcome, nonbinary people are welcome has made at least one potential new friend feel like she might not be welcome. Right now they only have about five or six people that come to the meetups regularly. So a community that numbers over 100+ online has dwindled down, and I think this is partially due to unclear messaging.
The wider you draw the circle the more people can stand in it. This is why you can pry the word queer from my cold, dead hands. It's no more a slur than gay. The people who have told you that it is are trying to make their club more exclusive and playing into tactics that make us more susceptible to the far right.
If I don't stand up for trans women athletes, they'll come for me too for being a pervert eventually. There is always more safety in numbers. We don't thin the herd from the inside. I want the loud proud people on my side, even if my internalized homophobia sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable out in public near them. That's a ME problem, not a them problem. Because what that really is is fear. I'm scared of what I could lose by being visible. But that's precisely the problem, isn't it? We will never be small enough for straight cis people.
Even your respectable upper middle class white male couple. They still don't want to see us kiss, or hold hands, or be happy. They might tolerate you, but they will absolutely talk about you behind your back. (Trust me, as the world's shittiest double agent, I hear allllll kinds of lukewarm takes from straight people who somehow don't see my very obvious signaling and tell me all about that nasty lesbian couple who...had the audacity to be visibly a couple while living their lives.)
You can't be enough for them, so quit fucking shutting the door in other people's faces who have experienced the same thing. Society doesn't want us. If we keep allowing terfs and radfems and lbr a lot of times us white people doing dumb shit to try and be respectable enough (respectability politics, look it up) we will never move forward. It's obvious given what's going on in the world right now that we can absolutely move backwards though.
The summary is this: Telling people they can't use "the q slur" is more than just telling people not to use a word. It allys you with people who are actively trying to cut our community into little slivers and hurt people who they don't think belong in the club. I guess they didn't like being excluded, so they grew up to be bullies too. This weakens our community and makes us more susceptible to the bullshit of society at large. Please stop doing terf's work for them. If the word queer makes you uncomfortable, so be it. Gay used to make me uncomfortable too, but I think you need to seriously unpack why that is.
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aegosexual-moments · 8 months
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Hello! Sorry for the long ask. I was wondering if you’d be able to give me some advice about asexual labels.
I’ve been sure of how I feel for a while now. Months, maybe years. I’m entirely sure of my stances on sex, but terminology is throwing me off a bit.
I hate the idea of sex in real life. I feel sort of repulsed when other people talk about it. Especially my family. I feel like people are being sexual with me just by talking about it. I never EVER want to have sex. Just hate it.
I like the ideas of it though. I feel attracted to it. I love h*ntai, but real life p*rn is disgusting. I’ve been attracted to a few real people, but would never have sex with them.
I don’t know if I can be asexual because I do feel sexual attraction. For years, I’ve just seen aces described as “no sexual attraction” so I avoided looking into the microlabels until now. I love my anime women, and a couple real women, in a very sexual way. But I would throw up if anyone tried to have sex with me. I never think about myself having sex cuz that’s disgusting. I feel like aego sort of describes me, but I don’t want to call myself ace if that just isn’t right. Like I don’t want to invade a community I don’t belong in, yknow? I feel like I’m doing something bad. Is aego an alright label for me to use? If so, could I just say asexual in some circumstances? Would that make people mad? Aego just seems so entirely different from ace that I can’t see how they are considered under the same umbrella. I don’t understand these labels at all. This is my first time looking into any of this. Sorry if your blog isn’t the right place to ask.
This is definitely a place to ask these sorts of questions!
Often liking the idea of sex but lacking desire is a good way to explain/think about being aegosexual. But the key to that is the disconnect between yourself and the object of arousal. Which you kind of described, but I’m not sure if that completely describes you, that’s up to you. For a lot of us, sex sounds intriguing and fun until it gets to be too real and we realize all the aspects we avoided.
Because fantasy is a large part of being aegosexual, we idealize certain parts of sex and May overlook other parts that we didn’t want to think about, and might forget about until we’re in that moment and the flip switches and suddenly we don’t want to be there anymore.
I’ve often tried to term something like “aego attraction” that could be used more broadly by people who are aegosexual and those who aren’t, but prefer fictional characters, sex and fantasy.
Lots of aces think the attraction will come, or that they do experience but, there’s so many moving parts of attraction that a lot of allos don’t realize, so they take for granted, just thinking that’s how it works for everyone.
The lack of desire to engage in sexual situations is what I typically think sets aegos apart from being allosexual. I think I wrote a post on sexual attraction and how many moving parts it has and tried to relate it aegosexual but I’d have to go and see if I can find it.
I think you can definitely use the aegosexual label, though you may find even more comfort in something even more specific like fictosexual or something from the aegospec list.
I hope this is helpful, to anon and to anyone else who might see this (just as a reminder to anyone who sends me an ask… it may take me a little while to answer, so send an emoji with your ask and I’ll tag it as that as well so you’ll be able to find it easier. And I tag all asks as “asks”).
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razzamult · 5 months
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insert witty title
Being an ally is a interesting thing, growing up in a conservative family i've often wondered where my unconscious biases are, how do i spot them if i'm not conscious of them? How do I learn what I need to unlearn? For me, it's been a journey. I got into queer communities via furry twitch during the pandemic (and yes, i'll wear the Furry label). 2020 was one of the times ever. we all wanted some form of interaction with people even if it was just to know that other people still existed and we weren't living out some 'book of eli' lone survivor scenario. Being stuck at home, the obvious answer was the internet, but reading text posts on reddit & news articles doesn't have that same level of interaction....and then i found twitch. ooooh....i can pet the furry streamer....and chat with them.....and this is ticking boxes in very weird ways....learning what 'parasocial' means....it was a wild ride (and still is)! Part of this was joining discord communities and getting to know people a bit better, and as someone who had just come into those communities who didn't understand a lot of queer culture and history and just wanted people to hang out with while the world burned down outside my door....it was scary! was I going to say something wrong? do something wrong? offend someone? what if i get banned?
Obviously that didn't happen, and the communities i joined were actually great places, warm & welcoming, gave people room to explore & understand, we shared memories and created new ones together. But I wanted to do better than that, I wanted to understand better what terms like enby and ace meant, terms I hadn't heard growing up or in school, I'd seen the terms on the internet in the past, but never had cause to look into it myself at the time. Learning is a dangerous thing, you discover things that challenge you, asking you to question your beliefs and preconceptions, but I knew if i wanted to be a better ally I needed to learn some things, challenge myself to understand and embrace it (whatever the answer is). so i started buying books. It was extremely convenient that at the time there happened to be an lgbtqia+ bookshop next to the train station where i was working, picked up a few things, understood some terms better, got a better handle on some ideas, asked some discord friends to clarify some terms. Then i bought this:
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I'd seen people use the aroace tag on discord and twitch and wanted to learn more and I WAS NOT PREPARED TO READ A BOOK ABOUT ME. Ok, so i've been single my whole life, and never felt like dating, and don't want to have sex, and there was one point where i was wondering if I could RP with a fursona....but that whole concept just ended up feeling way too weird and never got onto the runway and basically exploded in the hanger... I wasn't ready to find out that I was part of the A in LGBTQIA+, I was supposed to be an ally not an allee?....is that even a word??....i decree this is a word. After the initial bout of confusion and wtf-ness, i've come to accept the label, it doesn't change who i am, but i does help myself & others to understand me better. I'm still pondering microlabels, leaning toward aegosexual (unless i find an even better match), but happy to live under the a-spec umbrella.
Learning is scary! you can find out that you were wrong for your whole life, that you're not in fact weird or broken in some way for not "getting" relationships like so many others, but that you are in fact perfectly fine. Finding out that i'm part of the queer community really highlights how i see other people's actions toward it....I get it now, maybe i don't get "all" of it still, but I do get a lot more of it. It's given me a lot to think about. So thank you furry twitch for giving me the space to learn about myself, and thank you Sarah & Kayla for the awesome book!
I'm an aroace ferret and that's ok! and yes, i do like garlic bread.
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ashbur · 10 months
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just an fyi for pride month that this blog is run by a queer adult but is safe and non-hostile and loving towards young queer people who have not been in the community long.
'baby gay' gets thrown around a lot on social media these days as a way of dismissing and cringe-ifying the younger members of our community, but it started out as a term of endearment by middle-aged and older queers for the members of our family who have finally found us. you are the children of our community, and it's our job as queer adults to teach you our history and how to recognize rhetoric that wants to hurt you, and love you and help you navigate to the places among us where you feel the most comfortable. I am sincerely sorry that so many of us have lost sight of how we're supposed to help and welcome you.
if you are new to the realization that you are queer and you are bursting with excitement about it, be as loud and covered in rainbows and passionate about sharing as you want. dive into the community headfirst, experiment with broad labels and microlabels alike, try out the cool sounding neopronouns you saw someone mention, draw or write about your favorite characters being just as queer as you are. bask in the freedom of your queerness. your queer joy is not cringe and the people who tell you it is are wrong and are usually just projecting their internalized queerphobia onto you.
if your road to us was a battle that has left you bitter and lonely and afraid, I am so glad you finally got here. there are people under the lgbt+ umbrella who are hurt enough to lash out against the rest of us, and they may try to recruit you into being ammunition against the community. if queer joy seemed overwhelming and absurd and impossible after what you've suffered and you sought refuge with people who are stuck in those painful spaces, I understand, and I am a safe person to reach out to if you want a gentle, good-faith conversation about why you may think the things you do and how you can begin to heal. we are waiting with love and safety and open arms for you when you're ready to join us. we will embrace you without the qualifiers or conditions that exclus communities operate under.
if you've known that you're queer for years and only recently felt safe enough to come out, you are safe and welcome here. if you just figured out that your confusing relationships with your friends or the dissonance in your sense of self were manifestations of your queerness all along, you are safe and welcome here. if you weren't queer before but something changed and now you are, you are safe and welcome here.
welcome home baby gays of all sorts; I'm so glad we found you 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜
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