#the pandemic were ever to be over

[suncaptor]

anyone have tips of how to convince uchicago to give me tons of money for no reason but i really want them to.

#incoherents #i think getting an MA at the university of chicago would fix many parts of me #but the offer seems more like a 'fuck you youre not good enough but well let you come if you pay us more than you ever could' #maybe i could ask to defer so i coulr apply for fellowships next year??? #but reasons they should let me in 1.) i have over a 3.9 and they already accepted me and obviously think of money werent involved id be a #good candidate 2.) I was only able to complete undergrad degree bc i got a scholarship for being technically homeless #3.) reason why they probably thought I werent ready for phd to defer was probably the lack of research experience publication #which was largely due to the pandemic and i need an MA to fix that #4.) uhh i really want them too 🥺🥺 it's been over a decade of wanting to go there...... #5.) im so nice :) #i should message misha collins and ask him to convince them lmao #SO frustrating to me he went I uchicago for undergrad and i didnt. bet my stats were better than his.

[filthyjanuary]

feeling sad :(

#sorry this is such a dumb thing to be sad about im a grown ass adult but like two thirds of the people i invited to my birthday #either cant come or said they would then bailed and like #some of them have legit reasons but some of them i'm kind of like :/ ok well i put in so much effort for yall would be really nice #if a crumb of that was reciprocated #idk i dont ask for much on my birthday i just want to have a nice dinner with my friends #and i have friends who like throw the biggest tantrum fusses about their birthdays and make it this entire spectacle #and people still humour them so it's kind of like #idk #do i really suck that bad that you cant make a saturday evening work to like eat good food #idk maybe next year i just wont plan anything #and everyone'll be like BUT SIMA IT'S THE BIG ONE and i'll be like well! i wish it werent! #bc it'll suck even more to have people not come lmao i dont actually think i've ever had a milestone birthday people just dont give a shit #this includes my parents idk like they are nice to me on my birthday but like no birthday was ever like hashtag special #and like the holidays already sucked so bad this year they did not feel like the holidays half the people i got presents for #didnt get me anything which is like fine i dont give presents to get them back but it kind of sucks to not even get a card? a thank you??? #idk this is so stupid i am turning 29 i pay taxes this should not be a big deal #maybe it's bc i feel like half my 20s were pandemic years so it kind of sucks that theyre basically over and idk im just feeling sad and ol #and lonely and just kind of shitty and unlikeable #AND IT'S DUMBBBBB TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST IDK WHY I'M CRYING FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE

[lakecoded]

8 shows to get to know me. tagged by @thehitchikerdude :)

supernatural 😔 (self explanatory) (gave me brainworms at 13 AND at 20)

please like me. i legitimately watch this like once a year and sob through the last 2 episodes every time.

black sails. show of all time. a story is true a story is untrue. wough 😵‍💫 have never been able to fully rewatch this show

the oa. watched this in april 2020 and SOBBED for 2 straight hours after finishing the second season because it was cancelled. its SO good and SO sexy (the house in s2 that eats people. my god....) and SO beautiful. forever mad it got cancelled because the cliffhanger makes me so crazy (i simply love when actors play themselves in things). jason isaacs

murdoch mysteries. well this show is not good (and is somehow still running) but i was Obsessed with it in middle/high school which has to count for something

dispatches from elsewhere. this show made me so crazy i genuinely believed the characters were going to walk out of my television screen and into real life. v funny and v heartfelt and also richard e grant is there to monologue at the camera

taskmaster. its fun! i love watching comedians fail to do tasks. shoutout to the guy on youtube who's uploading the new seasons :) also the new zealand and australian versions are v good

halt and catch fire. i watched this while i was quarantining in a hotel for 2 weeks and joe macmillan is the character of all time. keot yelling HE'S A PERSON at my laptop screen because he's real to me

tagging @taros @liapher @bettysweep @blacksails2014 + @werewolfcafe ❣️

#um. realizing a lot of these are pandemic watches. but i don't really watch that much tv and they're the ones i think about a lot. #murdoch mysteries would not recommend but truly. julia/murdoch slowburn of all time. EYE remember when they couldn't be together bc she was #married to that doctor. EYE was there when he said they could get a divorce and then was like nevermind i don't want that actually. EYE was #there when the doctor husband got murdered and everyone thought it was murdoch. EYE remember murdoch was discriminated against for being #roman catholic and not protestant. EYE was there for the republic of doyle/murdoch mysteries crossover event. and when arthur conan doyle #was there and wrote a sherlock holmes story about murdoch. truly stupid show #isabel.txt #honourable mentions to alias grace (the best canadian tv show ever made. sarah gadon was so incredible in it and everyone should watch it) #and the exorcist which took over my life for 6 months in 2017-2018 even though it scares me so so bad. rip ben daniels i've watched some #truly terrible things because you were in them

[cinna-bunnie]

bleh

#having a bad morning tbhhhh #i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them #i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise. #and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened. #the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me. #to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about. #and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away #but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol. #i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's #frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone. #and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends. #it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff #going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has #bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where #u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :| #everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete #but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭 #'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭 #ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are #and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point. #i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend #but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭 #and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._. #but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences. #anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨

[swampdrive]

My 20s have been pretty rough on my mental health and ive had some pretty bad moments where i made questionable decisions but at the very least i can say that i never made a twitter callout post over my in-person breakup so i could keep my overwatch friends in the divorce

#just got reminded of the fucking buckwild callout post my buddy sent me during the pandemic that our former friend had made over their #In person breakup with our other former friend where they went on an on abt how they were abusive etc. as if they weren't both equally some #of the most abusive/terrible people i had ever met?? #like mutual abuse is a thing and i witnessed firsthand them fuckin being terrible to eachother (and everyone else) on multiple occasions

[ace-with--a-mace]

i definitely think quarantine stunted everyone under the age of like 25's growth and its detrimental to society today

#like obviously society was 'on hold' for however long people decided they wanted to quarantine for if they even did #and people were doing and saying the craziest shit wayyy before the pandemic #but i notice a lot in the younger kids in my neighborhood thay are starting middle school or are starting school in general #that they act 3 years younger and arent fully adjusted (?) to where their brains need to be for their ages #even with teens in my classes! obviously we're teens and we act immature but this like a whole other level #you have people in class stuck in 6th-7th grade and dont know what a rhyming word is #and not even like your usual handful of ppl who cheated their way thru school but like a good 5 ppl in class know the diff between #metaphors nd similes. we're reading classic literature and stories set 100 years ago when blk people were making their own communites #and you have people loudly whine that theyre pissed at the book and nobody talked like Shakespeare did in the 1500s or #nobody talked like just free black people back in early 1900s #like duh quarantine was necessary and all but i think a side effect of it was general immaturity in society #l speaks #ranting in the tags because i can #OH. i was gna mention ab online discourse too like obvi people over 30 use the internet #but you only really ever see dumb fights with insane outcomes come from people who just hit drinking age #idk i just feel like i noticed something that j think other ppl may have noticed but.

[otterjpg]

average microsoft teams meetings experience: one person has been talking for 8 minutes straight but they appear to be zooming in from a public bathroom and their laptop is 4 stalls down from where theyre seated, for privacy, so all you can hear is warbles that vaguely resemble sentences, meanwhile an aspiring ASMR youtuber is testing out their binaural mic to shuffle papers. somebody unmutes just to cough.

#i remember during early pandemic my first ever online class all my friends were hysterical over how awkward it was #texting in the groupchat #and one of my friends accidentally unmuted as ze laughed so it sounded like he did it purposefully #i had to leave the room i was hyperventilating with laughter over the absurdity of it all #now its just normal #also that story sounds like we were teens. this was a postgraduate level seminar. we all cope differently i guess #anyway re the above experience: this is years in how have we not adapted

[corvidcall]

got into an incredibly stupid argument on reddit the other day and i kept getting really mad because for some reason people kept acting like i was saying the exact opposite of what i was saying?? shannon had to keep reminding me that most peoples reading comprehension is actually not that great but ooouuuggghhh made me angy.

#anime life #it was on a repost of a reddit story abt a guy who raised his sister because his parents were deadbeats #and then at the start of the pandemic he lost his job and was about to be homeless and asked if he could stay with her and her husband #and she said no and wouldn't give him a reason why #and he hasn't talked to her since bc he couldn't get over the fact that it was the first time he ever asked her for help #and she would rather he be homeless than be inconvenienced even slightly #and MY TAKE was that she doesnt owe him help because he raised her #she should be helping him because she loves him and wouldn't want her brother to be homeless #even if he didn't raise her. her behavior here would be fucked up and in OPs position i certainly wouldn't be able to get past it #but everyone kept acting like i was saying OP was wrong for expecting her to help him?? #that i was saying nobody should ever expect kindness from each other??? #when i was actually saying that the fact that he raised her is not what earned him help and kindness #because he would deserve those things even if he hadnt done that #anyway. made me insane and evil but it was something to do i guess

[bigfishthemusical]

actually look at this. Just took this one off the wall. I made this in highschool but I really think I peaked here. Like I think I still have the capacity to be as good as this but I don’t think I could ever do anything better than this ever again

#this was near the start of the pandemic when we were coming to terms with the fact we wouldn’t be going back to school ever again #and my art teacher who kind of sucked assigned us to do something with unconventional media. so I bought a magnifying glass from the #dollar store and glued together sevral sheets of balsa wood that I had. #and spent a month wood burning this portrait with a magnifying glass #like idk what came over me. i could never do this again. but I will miss seeing her on my wall everyday <3 #my.art

[darkredmage]

I can't deal with this shit anymore

#vent #hooohhhh bpy where do i begin #i feel like my art teacher has obliterated my talent tbh #ever since elementary school my art teachers are all Asshats #but the one im talking about just diesnt fucking care about teaching shit #my teacher almost never teach us all the shit needed to study #and then expects everyone to understand how to do realism #and to the students that do know art and actually enjoy art this asshole is always saying that their style sucks ass because ohhhhhh you #cant draw properly #and a lot of the ppl who were told that are just people just getting started to draw #theres also a few folks whos art talent makes me wanna print and eat them but APPARENTLY fucking OIL PAINTING is not good enough #EVEN GOING AS FAR AS TO RIP HIS FUCKING ASSIGNMENT OFF AND FORCES HIM TO START ALL OVER #god i just want to fucking beat this ahit ass teacher so bad #because of the pandemic a lot of people just drops out of school or get a job. a few folks in my class take commission. #take a while fucking guess what my teacher thinks of them #thats right my teacher is one of those peoplw who says that art can't get you job #but when someone points out that comic artists are. well. artists. who do stuff for comics for money. #she says that you cant get money from just doing that. #fucking. #also. all this shit that fucked me up from all this + my current art teacher is just making me feel worse for doing art #and i feel like quiting doing art sometimes just because its not good enough #so yea #being an art student is great mom /s

[awkward-smirks]

.

#bruh...... #i went over to my cousin's house yesterday and for the last like 10-20 minutes i was in charge of babysitting their one-year-old daughter #she's just starting to want to walk and move so u can hold her up and she'll grab onto ur hands and MOVE #like girlie likes making u walk up to tables so she can climb them (and obviously get snatched immediately off bc wtf man stop that) #and also making u walk up to doors so she can slam them LMFAO #but like she made me walk her to the tv area just for funsies and my cousins were putting on a movie so she got entranced and sat down #and she just sat between my legs and leaned against me and it was a nice little sit down cuddle moment for us #but like the best part was when she really got into it and just grabbed my arms to hug her #like she knew she wanted to be held so she just wrapped my arms around her lil baby body :')))) and so i swayed the both of us #it's so cute ??? bc this was my first time meeting her... she was a pandemic baby and i've only ever seen pics of her from my one cousin #and she didn't make a fuss around me being a stranger or anything 😭 #idk if it's my hormones kicking in now that i'm like 23 but i miss holding and carrying babies so much #crying CRYINGGGGGGG #sandy rambling

[secretmellowblog]

People who try to analyze what happened on Tumblr on November 5th, 2020, often really overstate how much it was actually “about” Supernatural. As someone who has never been in the supernatural fandom ever but dID join in on the hysterical destielposting—it was really more about the stress of the pandemic and the 2020 presidential election.

The two biggest Youtubers I’ve seen try to dissect “what happened that November 5th” in video essays both weren’t American—- and I think that explains why they both tried to explain the hysteria primarily via analyzing the Supernatural fandom/the original show, rather than through the lens of the election. And while those videos are cool, valid, informational, and make lots of really well-considered interesting points— I can tell you that me and almost all my mutuals had literally no knowledge or interest in the fact that “oh supernatural had made nods at the ship in the past but the creators were adamant that I wouldn’t be canon” or etc etc etc etc. the first time I learned about any of that context was way later, watching videos where people claimed that fandom history context (that I did not know anything about) was the actual reason for the hysteria.

But the reality is that people latched on to the Destiel stuff because it was a piece of big useless inane zero-stakes fandom news in a time when we were desperately waiting for serious high stakes election news. We were latching onto a “positive “ piece of inane stupid fandom news in a time of great stress, with all the desperation of a drowning man who latches onto whatever piece of wood will keep him afloat.

The core of the hysteria was that Americans (who make up a huge chunk of tumblr’s userbase) were currently glued to their laptops watching the live presidential election vote counts come in. These vote counts were taking an extended amount of time due to the pandemic causing high numbers of mail-in ballots, resulting in a constant state of Election Day Stress for multiple days straight.

This was also during the height of the Pandemic. People had predicted Trump’s presidency would be bad; no one had predicted it would be this apocalyptically bad. No one had predicted pandemics and lockdowns and hospitals overflowing with bodybags. remember Trump spreading Covid lies and conspiracies?? There were so many Qanon conspiracies about democrats being Satanic child traffickers who had to be put to death, and coup threats were mounting from the right wing side. It seemed like this election was a choice between ‘centrist democrat’ and “apocalyptic right wing conspiracy theory authoritarianism,” in the midst of pandemic conditions that people feared would never ever improve— and it seemed like a close election.

Another major point was that Trump voters were more likely to be antimaskers/Covid deniers, while Biden voters were more likely to take the pandemic seriously— so Biden voters were more likely to send in mail-in ballots instead of risking the in-person voting crowds, which meant their ballots would take much longer to count. And so, in many state electoral vote counts, it would initially seem like Trump was very far in the lead— only for Biden to slooooowly build up an agonizingly small lead as the mail in ballots came in, and then defeat Trump at the very end.

So you’re just watching these news sites giving live election updates, refreshing the page every 2 minutes to see if you’re going to live under a spineless centrist democrat or a literal Qanon Dictatorship. And then you go on tumblr to distract yourself, and there’s more election posting, and more agonizing over the votes, and more stress and despair—-

And then it’s been days and we’re right at the crucial tipping point where it’s anyone’s game and the next few hours will determine whether Trump will win, so you need to keep your eye on the vote count, because the next hours will determine the future of the pandemic and your country and your plans for your entire life—

And then stupid Destiel becomes canon! And it becomes canon in the silliest way possible!

If Destiel had become canon at any other time, it would have been a big goofy tumblr celebration? But we wouldn’t have gotten the insane explosion of hysterical interaction.

The entire core of it was the contrast between the inane meaningless stupidity of fandom news vs the actual stressful election news you wanted to hear! It really is best conveyed in that meme where Castiel says “I love you” and Dean indifferently responds with a piece of important election news.

It’s about the contrast between the low-stakes inanity of fandom and the massive life-destroying stakes of a terrifying election. There really was no reason it had be Supernatural specifically, except that Supernatural was a thing everyone knew basic things about from dashboard osmosis— it could’ve been any other equally huge silly fandom ship news about a ship everyone *knew of* but might not necessarily be invested in (ex. Stucky becoming canon, Johnlock becoming canon, Kirk/Spock becoming more canon somehow, etc etc etc.)

I think it’s true that people who weren’t paying agonizingly close attention to the American election news got swept up in it, and that non American Supernatural fans also were extremely excited for purely fandom reasons — but the entire reason it blew up to an unprecedented degree was because of that core of stressed out terrified Americans glued to their computers watching election results and suddenly receiving stupid fandom news instead, and deciding to just hysterically parodically hyper-celebrate this absurd useless zero-stakes news.

I think it was also all elevated by the fact that, as I said before, this happened at the crucial “tipping point” of the election where the next few hours would determine the winner. The fact that Biden began to slowly develop a lead in the hours after made it feel, hysterically, as if the hours after Destiel became canon was somehow the turning point where he began to win; so celebrating Destiel felt like celebrating that slow turn towards victory.

The tl,dr is that it’s so important to Remember the Fifth of November …..in preparation the inevitable hysteria that will happen in the presidential election on November 5th of next year. XD. Personally I’m rooting for Johnlock or Frodo/Sam to somehow become canon in the eleventh hour right before the democrats win

#November 5th #november 5 2020 #the fifth of november #just a random ramble #November 5th 2020 is such an important day to me #it really is a holiday #but it does confuse me when I see people analyzing it primarily as a supernatural thing #instead of a ‘hysteria over an election reaches a breaking point when inane zero stakes fandom news comes out and we all latch onto it’thing #but yeah!! #this is my personal essay out of love for the holiday

[doux-amer]

This has been one of the shittiest days in a while and to top it all off, I go on social media for the first time today right before bed to relax and the first thing I see (well, second after my friend's response to a bday message to her) is a dongseng I haven't talked to much or seen in years dropping a post about his announcement with no comment whatsoever. The news wouldn't have been any easier, but to get that from someone who doesn't fucking understand how devastating it is even though she must know that it's sad is the worst possible thing. What the fuck am I supposed to do with you dropping that? I don't want to give you a response! I don't owe you a response! Get the fuck away from me! I don't care that you didn't want to upset me because what the HELL did you think would happen by doing that? I'll send some crying emojis and a broken heart and that's so goddamn empty, but I'm not performing this for you and this is actually upsetting me so bad????? But I wouldn't expect a casual fan of a club that will go unnamed to understand. This isn't just sports to me.

If I had to get this news, I wish I saw it from someone who loves Jürgen as much as I do, whose life was irrevocably changed for the better because of him, who was here in the Before Klopp times, who never had a manager to love as much as we love him. And look at me managing to make myself tear up again.

I understand. After watching the clips on IG and that second one especially...he wants to leave while he's okay, he wants to leave on good terms and if possible on a high note instead of being kicked out after overstaying his welcome, he wants to enjoy life. And he so deserves that. He deserves to know what it's like to just be Jürgen, to be with his loved ones, to do nothing but to simply live. I have so much respect for him that he's going out this way, that he didn't take this decision lightly when he felt differently before (that renewal he signed...), when it's not about how much he loves us. Or rather, it is because he wants to give us his best and his all and he feels that he can't anymore and he's listening to his body and his mind. And he's setting a good example by showing what's really important in the end and taking care of himself. To show there's more to life than this and to be grounded and be a normal guy like he remained throughout even as his life became very abnormal.

God. I love him like I've never loved any manager before. The ones I loved pale in comparison to him. He is and will forever be everything to me, not just for what he gave to the club on the pitch but everything off the pitch from the values he instilled and emphasized to his humor and honesty and big heart and humility and passion and everything, and I'm just so gutted right now thinking about how we had almost a decade with him and I never took it for granted, but I really thought we had a few more years with him. And I thought several years ago about how much I needed to return to Anfield to see how things changed, to experience Jürgen's Liverpool on home ground, and how now that I had a job and steady income that I would be able to go to more matches or at least do it once before the end. And I didn't because of this stupid pandemic. All of that passed without a chance and just. I'm glad I got to at least watch them in person when they came to the U.S. even if it's not the same, but I feel like our time has been cut short and I really can't imagine a Liverpool without him. I never wanted to. I know that there will be because that's the nature of this sport and life and this sport has taught me there's always a beginning and always an end, but...nothing's going to be the same. Nothing's going to be like this. There will never be an era like the one we got under him. There will never be a manager like him.

#love how i was numb when i got that dm that will leave me angry for a long time #it's not even that person's fault but i feel so betrayed and bitter that that's how the news was broken to me #like it didn't mean anything #and then i watched him and i thought i understood his decision #i'm a big adult now. i understand what it's like to not have fuel in the tank and to get on with age #and understand what it means for people to get older...a concept you wrestle with over and over again once you reach adulthood #but then the second clip where he talked about how he's tired...how he wants to experience normal life #which he never had and just. that killed me because i want that for him too #i want nothing but the very best for him #and in that sense it's easier to let go #he's not being kicked out. he's leaving on his own terms. he wants to enjoy life #and with this pandemic more than ever i deeply understand how precious life is #he doesn't want to wake up when he's at the end of his life to start living it #but at the same time because that was so quintessential klopp #to understand what really matters and to say it with so much love #for the team the club the city and us #that was what ruined me more than anything in a way i can't possibly put to words #turns out that i'm not dead inside and i haven't gotten used to goodbyes even if they started coming one after another over the past decade #and the first ones were brutally sharp and painful #and some are still devastating (i'm thinking of tito which is the worst goodbye you can have because he didn't just #leave the game. he passed away) but god. turns out that even if you accept the cyclical nature of things #the turning of the page and the passage of time which stops for no one #you still never get used to this #i can't go to liverpool at the end of the season but god...i want to be there. so bad. SO bad #we love this man so much that we're going to give him his flowers #we'll be doing it throughout the season even if he asked us not to because it's about the team not just him #and we'll give him a celebration and we deserves a parade or something. i don't even know #i love him so much and he always sets an example and is someone to look up to and just #i think i understand now what my college classmate i befriended meant #when he said his role model was wenger and he loved him like a father

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for warning new transfem friends that someone is actually AFAB?

i’ll keep this short but i have a friend kelly (22F) who identified as male for a couple years during the pandemic but has now de transitioned (no hormonal or surgical changes were ever made she just grew her hair out again) but she calls herself transfem since she technically was male then female

we have a group chat that frequently has members from university coming and going and kelly likes to send a lot of “relatable transfem memes” and bring it up a lot. sometimes we get new members who are actually transfem and they go to her for advice on a body that she does not have (and she often does not give great advice)

so whenever i add someone to the group chat who is transfem i just give them a heads up that kelly is AFAB and just calls herself transfem so they shouldn’t go to her for advice or relatability specifically over being transfem and stuff

kelly found out through screenshots and is pissed saying i don’t respect her identity. i don’t care what labels she wants to use i just don’t want actual trans people going to her for advice or thinking she’s someone they can talk to about issues concerning their bodies because by definition she is a cisgender woman who identifies with her birth gender. i’m trans AFAB too btw not that it really matters but i don’t wanna get flamed for not mentioning that

am i being transphobic or label phobic or whatever? i just don’t want new friends receiving potentially harmful advice or thinking they’ve found someone like them

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[scorpiobabylon]

no, i do not believe this level of delusion about the pandemic being “over” is sustainable. i have noticed people behaving in ways they never would have before c19, like they know deep down that things are not OK and they’re scared. international travel, huge parties, etc. i don’t know. i guess i’ve been surprised and disappointed by mass human cruelty and indifference before but i really do believe there will be a tipping point. once activists can catch their fucking breath? maybe? it took 10 years of AIDS before ACT UP took to the streets. i don’t want to wait 10 years. i’ll push as hard as i fucking can but unfortunately i’m close to bed-bound by long covid at the moment. i do not want to die. c19 activism feels like a tipping point for climate change action, anticapitalist action, and abolition action. this can be a radicalizing moment. they made the US slightly more accessible for a MINUTE and then yanked it away but we *saw* it. we saw it!!!!!!!!!! efforts to squash c19 precautions go hand-in-hand with squashing anti-police protests: they know that the summer 2020 uprisings were able to happen because enough people, for a brief moment, were freer than they had ever been in this fucking evil country. when people are given resources, they give a shit. cops were the only maskless faces in the streets of minneapolis and that is not a coincidence. the old world is fucking scared and wants you to get sick and die. c19 deaths keep climbing, your yard is burning or flooding or bogged down by smoke, cops have killed more people each year since 2020. that’s the “normal” everybody is trying to convince you it’s sooooo fun to go back to. fuck off. fuck off. there will be a crack and we will kick it open

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book.... #coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book” #i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may