#the obsession on how unconditionally dogs love you no matter what you do and how obedient they are is honestly terrifying and disgusting

[wasawattpadkid]

Housewife

Part - 14

Summery: Billy and Stu have been planning these murders for quite some time. Everything is going to plan until you show up. What happens when they meet someone who is just as mentally deluded as they are?

Pairing: Poly! ghostface x fem!reader

Warnings for this series: ⚠️smut 18+⚠️ murder, blood, smut (will be more in depth on smut chapters), power dynamics, a dash of sexism, knives, stalking, perverse behavior, cheating, homophobic slang, explicit boyxboy, oral (male and fem! receiving), fingering (fem! receiving), the word "rapist" is used once as a joke by Stu way before any smut begins, p in v, safe sex, foul language, voyeurism (?)

Part 1

The car purred as they drove down the highway. You were cuddled up in the back with Stu as Billy drove home. "Do you love me?" The question was so random Billy almost thought he was hearing things. "Huh?" Stu patted your hair as he looked out the window. "It's fine if you don't, I just wanted to know." It wasn't fine if he didn't. Stu knew he loved Billy unconditionally. It was almost obsessive the way he adored that boy. As Stu looked at your sleeping form he started to think about how he felt like he loved you. It wasn't the same sort of love he had for Billy. No, he hadn't known you long enough to feel that way. Stu would kill for you but that didn't mean much coming from him. He knew if a car was coming towards you he'd push you out of the way even if it meant killing him. Was that love or just being suicidal?

Billy looked at his friend in the mirror seeing his gaze focused outside. "Why would you ask that?" Billy wasn't mad or upset by the question just startled. He didn't do feelings. Sure, he had them but he wishes he didn't. They tend to overcomplicate things.

"I don't see how this relationship is going to work out if you don't love me. I've seen the way you look at her. Tonight when we were playing games at the arcade you stared at her like she was the only person on earth. You don't look at me like that. I-I just need to know if it's because I'm not new or you don't love me."

His words were strange to Billy. Never in their expansive time of knowing each other did they have heart to hearts. Billy was raised not to cry and not to reach out. Being upset meant you were acting like a child. "To be honest I don't know." Billy tried to pick his words carefully not because he was trying to manipulate but rather because he was trying to tell the truth. After so many lies he found it hard to understand what the truth was. "You don't know?" Stu couldn't grasp how someone couldn't know if they were in love or not.

"I don't know. I thought I loved Sydney but maybe I did get bored. You know that scares the shit out of me. Getting tired of you and Y/n? What if I wake up one day and the smell of her cooking disgusts me? What- what if I can't stand the sound of your voice anymore? I don't want to lose this. I had the best time of my fucking life tonight but oh it might not matter down the road because I got too comfortable." Billy's hand hit the steering wheel in anger. The more Billy talked the more he pissed himself off. Stu tilted his head like a dog processing everything he just learned. "You love us." Stu said a smile playing at his lips. Billy's face contorted in confusion. He just hit the steering wheel in anger but Stu was in the back seat blushing.

"How do you know?" Billy turned the corner focusing back on the road. "If you're worried about losing us then obviously you love us at least a little bit." Billy doubted it was that simple. Nothing ever was. Stu was always an optimistic person. He thought everything would work out eventually. That's not how life worked. "If you say so." The car pulled into the driveway and then the garage. "She's still asleep should I wake her up?" Billy shook his head. "No she's been taking care of our asses all week she needs the rest. Just pack her upstairs and put her to bed." Stu gently pulled you out of the car carrying you like a bride into the house.

Carefully he made it up the steps watching so he wouldn't accidentally hit your head. He nudged your bedroom door open with his boot trying not to make too much noise. Stu laid you in bed as comfortably as he could. You looked so peaceful to him. He pulled the covers up over you making sure to tuck you in. Stu pressed a kiss to your forehead before he left the room shutting the door behind him.

"She still asleep?" Billy asked as he folded up the basket of laundry you left out. "I thought she was dead for a second." The joke went over Billy's head causing concern. "I'm kidding she's fine. She drools in her sleep." Stu said making Billy laugh. "Did you have fun tonight?" The dark-haired boy was trying to make this work. Stu sat on the couch leaving Billy to fold up clothes. "I had a wonderful time especially since I absolutely demolished your ass in Mortal Kombat." Billy just rolled his eyes telling himself he let his partner win. "You looked good tonight." Stu glanced up in shock. He wasn't the complimenting type and he sure as hell never complimented Stu.

Billy kept his eyes on the clothes not wanting to make eye contact with Stu. This was what actual couples did right? "Thank you." The room was silent. Stu thought of his words before he said them. "You looked handsome tonight too." Handsome. The word made something turn inside Billy. For a second it felt like he couldn't breathe. Maybe he was going to vomit? "Thanks." Was all Billy could come with. It was unbearably awkward but Stu couldn't help but smile. "Do you need help folding? I can't do shirts but I can do pants."

You woke up in a hot sweat. It felt like you had died. If someone asked what year it was you couldn't tell them. The last thing you remember was eating food at a restaurant with Billy and Stu. "Damnit." You rubbed your eyes trying to see in the dark room. The clock said it was 11 o'clock but it felt like you'd been asleep for days. You threw on an unflattering nightgown before you headed downstairs. The boys laughed while watching some loud TV show.

"She's alive!" Stu exclaimed like he was Dr. Frankenstein. "How'd you sleep?" Billy asked looking at your disheveled state. "Water." You rasped walking like the grim reaper over to the sink. Cold tap water seemed to coat your throat helping you wake up just a little bit more. You walked over to the couch throwing yourself on top of the men. "What are you watching?" You asked as Stu giggled at some guy getting hit over the head on screen. "The Monkees! It comes on your old lady channel. I haven't seen it since I was a kid." You looked over at Billy seeing him shrug his shoulders. "He's been laughing for the past 30 minutes."

"You're not hard to please huh?" Stu pinched the tip of your nose. "Obviously not, I'm with you aren't I?" You faked a laugh as you stared at the tv. Stu's hand ran up and down your leg just like it had the first night they came over. His eyes were glued to the TV laughing every time something even remotely funny happened. Billy would chuckle just because his friend was laughing. There was something different between them but you couldn't put your finger on it. The date night you had might've had some effect. All three of you felt closer, it felt more normal if that was even a possibility.

"I think I want to have sex with you two." You blurted making both men freeze. You immediately covered your face regretting speaking. "Like right now?" Stu asked ready to strip. "No, well, oh I don't know." You groaned with embarrassment. Billy stayed quiet letting you say everything you wanted to. You sat up on the couch looking at the two men sitting beside each other. "Couples have sex right?" They nodded in unison. "We're like a couple right?" They nodded even quicker trying to fill in the blanks for you. "So we should have sex-" Stu reached to take off his shirt but you stopped him. "At some point." You finished making the boy frown.

"Why'd you bring this up?" Billy asked. Between you and Stu randomly bringing up touchy subjects he was liable to get whiplash. You rubbed your face with your hands trying to get a grip. "I was just thinking about it. I have been... thinking about it." Stu knew if anyone could overcomplicate sex it'd be you. "Guys I'm scared."

It was the honest truth. You were terrified. "Of what?" The tone Stu had seemed to dismiss whatever emotion you felt. "Nothing it's dumb." You stood up only to be pulled back down by Billy. "No talk to us. What are you scared of?" Billy made demanding eye contact with you just to show he took this conversation seriously this time. "You?" The word came out like a question. That question seemed to negatively affect both boys. Stu was gutted that you were scared of him even worse that it was sex-related. You grabbed Billy and Stu's hands not wanting them to think it was all their fault. "Men in general are scary. I'm not scared of you exactly more of what you could do." That somehow made less sense to them both.

"Stu, do you remember the other night when we were wrestling?" He smiled remembering how funny that whole thing was. "Yeah, I beat your ass." He said proudly. Billy seemed to understand what you were getting at by Stu's response. "I could give it my all and you both could still trap me. I don't stand a chance and it's frightening. What if in the middle of it all you decide to-" Billy moved forward putting both of his hands on your arms. "We would never do that." Stu scoffed sitting up next to you. "Yeah we may be killers but we're not rapists." Billy looked at Stu like he could kill him making the boy sit back and shut up.

"Y/n I'm really trying," Billy spoke as you nodded. "I've noticed." He smiled continuing his speech. "I don't and would never want to hurt you. That night that Stu's place I couldn't put you through that pain." He gestured to your closed-up wound. "I know but I joke around a lot. I say I'm into chains and whips but I'm scared of all of that. I don't want to feel like I'm stuck and with two of you it's pretty damn intimidating." You had got this idea in your head that anything intimate with the men would leave you used and torn apart.

"I joke around like crazy you don't think I'm being serious do you?" Both you and Billy looked at Stu. "Wow tell me what you really think." You laughed making Stu smile at his accomplishment. "Hey." Billy's hand rested on the side of your face pulling your attention back to him. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Do you understand?" The words were sharp but they weren't angry. Billy meant what he said. As long as he was living no one would lay a finger on you besides him and Stu. You nodded as he smiled. "Wait so are we sleeping together or?" Stu was just really confused. Before Billy could smack him you stood up. "I'm going to take a shower and freshen up. You two can do whatever you want." Without looking at the men you walked upstairs heading to your bathroom.

Billy jumped off the couch making Stu sit up. "What? What's wrong?" Stu asked looking up at the man. "She said she's going to freshen up." Billy shook his hands for emphasis. He could see Stu simply wasn't getting it. "That's like the universal term for "we're going to have sex." How do you not know that?" Stu stood up a small "pfft" leaving his mouth. "No the universal term for we're going to have sex is "Hey we're going to have sex."" Billy's palm slapped his forehead before dragging down his face. "Listen just go clean up and change I'm going to take care of a couple things." With a nod, Stu went off to his room.

Billy waited on the stairs till he heard the water start to run. Your room was empty but the record you played was loud. The Smashing Pumpkins vinyl spun around letting Billy's favorite song play. He could barely hear you humming the words in the bathroom. You remembered. That fact made his heart seem to swell. It wasn't what you normally listened to. All he heard the past week was what you called "classics." Now there you were in the privacy of your room listening to his favorite album. With a smile, he got to work. The first thing he did was make your bed. Once it was neat he made sure the room looked comfortable. He noticed the candle you had sitting on your dresser. Billy headed downstairs to ask Stu for his lighter.

Stu's bedroom door opened hitting Billy with a cloud of cologne. "Jesus fucking Christ!" The boy cursed waving a hand in front of his face. "Too much?" Stu asked innocently. Billy huffed not having time to deal with him. "She's not going to let you in the room let alone her bed smelling like that." Stu thought he smelt good, you had complimented him on his cologne before. "Change your shirt and pants and air out this damn room." Billy was about to leave before remembering why he came down there in the first place. "Oh, I need your lighter." Stu dug through his dresser tossing the skull-covered lighter to the man. "What do you need that for?" Stu pointed towards the object. "I'm going to light a candle." Stu held up his hand covering his mouth with a laugh. Billy's face dropped at his friend's laughter. "Shut it fuckrag." Billy pointed at Stu but it didn't stop him from laughing.

Upstairs you had already stepped out of the shower pulling the cap off your head. You hung the shower cap up before wrapping a towel around your frame. You didn't know what to expect. Billy's little speech downstairs did wonders for your nerves. Were you still terrified? Yes but for some dumb reason, you trusted them. You had this nagging feeling you'd regret it. You willed yourself to believe in the fantasy land you've created. Sex wasn't something you'd grown accustomed to. That day playing truth or dare barely felt real. There wasn't much emotion behind it just teenage hormones. You weren't upset about it you just hoped this would be different. As your skin dried off you slipped a pair of underwear on covering them with one of Stu's shirts.

Billy sat at the edge of your bed biting his nails. He had to repeatedly tell himself he was trying to be better, to do what you asked. As you walked out of the bathroom he stood up. You could tell he was nervous by the way his eyes darted back and forth between you and the door. "I thought we could talk. You like talks right?" His smile was tight as he raised his eyebrows. You saw your bedroom door was closed completely leaving Stu out of the conversation. "I'm fine with talking but we made it a rule to include everyone when we talked." Billy watched as you walked over to your record player. The way you took care of the fragile vinyl said something about your character, at least he thought it did. "I know but I already asked Stu if it was okay and he said it was."

"I get that but we should have conversations together." Billy grew impatient. "Just!" The word was loud scaring him when he said it. You looked at him waiting for him to fix his tone before speaking to you. "Just.. please? I need to talk to you alone." You put the record on the shelf debating on talking to him in private. Billy was a complicated man. You didn't want to throw away the chance of getting him to open up. "Okay. What do you need to talk about?" You walked over to Billy's side sitting down with him at the foot of the bed. "You want this to be equal. Meaning this is a group effort right?"

"This?" You asked as Billy's leg bounced with anxiety. That little voice in his head told him he couldn't do this. "Sex." Was all he said. "I would like it to be that way, yes. I don't want anyone feeling left out." He nodded understanding what you meant. You couldn't begin to grasp how difficult this conversation was to him.

"Look if you want us to sleep with you that's fine but I don't want this thing me and Stu do to disturb you." His wording was intentional. To him sex with you was normal but sex with Stu was just a "thing." It was shameful to him. "I-I um..." He ran a hand through his hair keeping his eyes on the ground. "I don't want you to look at me differently after this." You didn't know what to say to make it better. There was no easy fix. Billy raised his arms in surprise as you wrapped your arms around him. His arms slowly found their way around you hugging you back. It was comforting. Billy didn't like hugs. This one however made him feel safe. You had him and you weren't letting go. Who he is didn't seem to bother you and knowing that lifted a weight off his shoulders. "Should I let Stu in now?" He spoke gently.

You nodded pulling back from the boy. Billy stood up opening the bedroom door. Stu came tumbling into the room. "I didn't hear anything." He swore picking himself off the ground. "Not for lack of trying." You smiled knowing Stu was eavesdropping. Billy made sure to close the door behind Stu locking it in place. The action wasn't lost on you. Something was different. Billy had no problem with what happened in your living room just weeks ago. The fact he was locking your bedroom door knowing no one else was in the house was odd. It was for security you supposed. The reassurance that no one could walk in. Your curtains were also closed but you knew you left them open just a few hours earlier.

"Here ya go." Stu pitched Billy a small bottle. "What's that?" You asked getting a quick and easy answer from Stu. "Oh, it's lube." He pulled two condoms from his pocket sitting them on your nightstand. You were out of your element. "If you don't want to do this I need you to let me know." Stu said wanting your full consent. This was a first for all of you, he didn't want to mess it up. "I want this, it just feels like you're both prepping for surgery."

Billy held the bottle in tight hands hoping to warm up the cold liquid inside. Stu chuckled finding his spot next to you on the bed. "I get that trust me but none of us here want kids yet and the lube is just to make sure you're comfortable."

Yet. The word pulled at pieces of Billy's brain. The thought of having kids was not something he wanted to worry about right now. With a shake of the head, he walked over to both of you. "Listen, we don't have to do this." Billy still had this unremitting feeling that things would change. You'd see him as some perverted homo and wouldn't want him near you again. He was ashamed of who he was and what he did but if you wanted this he'd do it. Both men looked at you trying to pick up on any signs of hesitation.

Stu was careful about consent the last time anything happened between the three of you. His behavior hadn't changed any. Billy's new behavior was something to get used to. His nail-biting, soft-spoken nature was different than the rude and demanding one you had got to know. "I want to do this but if one of you is uncomfortable we can just go to bed. You don't have to sleep downstairs." The promise of just sleeping next to you was tempting for Billy. He knew this would have to happen sooner or later. "I'm ready whenever you two are." Stu said as he peeled his shirt off. Billy slipped the bottle into his pocket before leaning down to you.

"I need you to say it."

His face was serious but not cold. "Say what?" The air between you two was nearly suffocating. Billy's voice was low as he spoke. "I need you to say you want this, you want me." Billy's hands rubbed the soft skin on your thighs as Stu stripped down to his underwear. You looked at his hands the eye contact quickly becoming intimidating. "I want-"

"Look at me, please." With a shaky breath, you looked back up meeting Billy's eyes. "I need this. I need you, Billy." There it was. That possessive glint you'd seen before. Any minute now he'd be demanding and rough. His lips softly pressed against yours. The kiss was slow and careful. Billy tried to remember the way your lips felt in case you threw him out after tonight. His tongue swiped across your bottom lip signaling your lips to part. Billy pulled away smiling at the love-drunk look on your face. "Let me help with that." Stu helped pull your shirt over your head leaving you in just your panties. "I was right. You look even better out of my shirt." Stu said making your cheeks heat up. Billy's shirt was the next to go. Stu cupped your chin before leaning in to kiss you. It was hungrier than the kiss before.

Billy watched his two partners with some semblance of pride. They were his. For how long he wasn't sure. In the end, it didn't matter because right now in this bedroom, he had them and for some reason, they agreed to have him. Stu squeezed your breast making a small noise leave your lips. Billy went back to work pulling down the fabric that hugged your hips. You raised up just enough to make his job easier. He tossed the underwear in the same spot his shirt had landed.

Stu laid back on the bed taking you with him. For a split second, you forgot Billy was even there. He made his presence known by pressing a kiss to your abdomen. Then another on your hip. Stu broke the kiss watching the scene next to him. You looked down at Billy as he littered your skin with kiss after kiss. He eventually made his way down pressing a kiss on your folds. Stu saw the way your chest jumped ever so slightly. He wondered if he told you how beautiful you were today but even if he did it wasn't nearly enough. As Billy's tongue ran up and down your folds, his eyes flickered up toward Stu. Your soft moans accompanied by Billy's gaze made his cock twitch. Stu picked your hand up moving it where he needed you most. Softly you began rubbing him through his boxers feeling him strain against the fabric. The moan that came from Stu made you continue your movements. It was hard to focus with Billy going at you like a man starved. Billy's eyes would go back and forth mainly focused on the man you helped please.

Being watched stirred something in Stu and Billy noticed. The short-haired boy removed his underwear with haste needing to feel you against his skin. Your hand wrapped perfectly around his cock. The pumps were gentle at first not knowing what Stu liked. His moans and the quiet chant of your name kept your hand moving. Billy pulled your clit between his lips making your back arch off the bed. Stu let out a lustful cry at the feeling of your hand squeezing around him. You didn't mean to do it at first but the new information only helped you tease him. Every few pumps you'd gently squeeze his cock earning a beautiful sound from Stu each time.

Billy's tongue continued its assault as he slowly pushed two fingers into your cunt. Hearing the sounds you made mixed with Stu's was enough to make him cum right then and there. It took everything in him not to. Billy smiled against you feeling your hips try to meet the thrust of his fingers. He doubted you were even aware of what you were doing. Too busy pleasing the man next to you. Your free hand tugged on Billy's hair needing more of him. Billy pulled out his fingers before moving to stand up. You groaned at the loss. With his eyes on you, Billy sucked his fingers clean of your slick even a soft moan could be heard like it was the best thing he's ever tasted.

"We've got to take turns right? Everything has to be fair and equal?" He teased moving in front of Stu. The boy looked at Billy silently asking him if he was sure he wanted to do this. Billy motioned his head upwards telling Stu to sit up. The boy complied sitting on the edge of the bed. You sat up making sure you didn't miss anything. Billy took a deep breath seeing you watch him. He knelt in front of Stu grabbing the man's erection. "Ah!" Stu exclaimed looking down at the man in front of him. With a trained hand, Billy stroked Stu's cock.

You squeezed your thighs together at the sight. Billy leaned forward spitting on the tip letting the liquid run slowly down the veins. Using his hand he pumped Stu's cock the spit making it easier for his hand to slide up and down. He knew what spots to pay attention to. Stu's moans were louder than before. His abs were prominent as his muscles tightened. Billy with a sly grin licked a stripe from the base to the tip. He kept his eyes on Stu not being able to look up at you. Stu turned his head pressing his lips to yours. He moaned into your mouth as Billy wrapped his lips around the tip of his cock. His tongue swirled around making Stu's hips jerk. Stu's breath was uneven as his chest heaved up and down.

"Fuck." Stu cursed against your lips as Billy slid his mouth over the man's length. With a moan, Stu's head fell back leaving you to watch them without interruption. Billy could feel your eyes burn into his skin. That insecurity slowly started to creep back up distracting him from the man under his touch.

Stu grabbed your hand squeezing as his orgasm rapidly approached. "I-I'm going to cum." Stu warned with a whine. Billy continued sucking knowing if he didn't there would be a mess to clean up. His eyes closed tight as Stu cried out. Stu chanted a mixture of your and Billy's names. Billy let Stu ride out his orgasm before he looked to the floor swallowing the evidence of the sinful act. Stu laid back on the bed letting the newfound clarity wash over him. Billy's lips were swollen and his cheeks were red. You'd never seen him look like this until now.

Billy didn't dare look up knowing he'd see the disgust in your eyes. "Billy?" Hearing his name made him feel sick. You waited for him to look at you but he refused. He rubbed his eyes wanting to erase everything that had just happened. Billy looked up immediately apologizing for something he didn't need to. You cut him off grabbing his face and pressing your lips on his. You could taste Stu on his lips and it spurred you on more. Billy was shocked. You broke the kiss to look at him. "I need you." Your hands tugged on the waistband of his jeans greedily. How was he supposed to be calm and careful when you acted like this?

"Say it again." His voice was low and demanding making your cunt throb. "I need you." You happily repeated yourself seeing the way it brought his confidence back. Billy stood up unbuckling his belt right in front of you. You focused on the way his hands pulled the leather off with ease. He grabbed the bottle of lube tossing it on the bed. His jeans were quickly discarded along with his underwear.

You looked at Billy's naked form growing embarrassed by the view. "Baby throw me one of those." Billy pointed towards the condoms. Stu was happy to toss the package over. He was well aware of how hard it was for Billy to do what he did. Stu no longer felt like a dirty secret. You crawled up onto the bed as Billy opened the black wrapper. "Here lift your hips up." Stu grabbed a pillow slipping it between you and the bed. The feeling of your hips in the air was odd but you figured Stu knew what he was doing.

Billy slid the condom over his length with ease. The man debated on asking you once again if you were alright with this. You wiggled your hips impatiently. That small gesture was all Billy needed. Stu grabbed the lube squirting a little in his hand. He kissed your neck as his fingers smeared the jelly over your entrance. Billy crawled on the bed settling between your legs. Stu's eyes watched as Billy lined himself up with your cunt. You closed your eyes scared of the pain you've heard so many people talk about. Stu continued to smother you in affection as Billy slowly pushed into you.

It wasn't near as bad as you expected it to be. You tried not to focus on the stretch as he bottomed out. Billy cursed trying to hold still. "You okay?" Stu asked and you nodded. Billy's hips started to move to find a rhythm you were both comfortable with. Stu wrapped his lips around your nipple getting hit with a feeling of deja vu. Billy held onto your hips as he thrusts into you. He had to remind himself over and over that he needed to be gentle. Stu was used to his partner's fast and rough routine so seeing him struggle was almost humorous.

Your breath hitched as Stu tugged at your breasts. His teeth teased your skin making goosebumps flood your flesh. Billy watched as his partner left small hickies in places no one but the two of them could see. "Faster..." You moaned one hand squeezing Billy's wrist. The man's pace quickened making the sound of skin on skin even louder. It seemed the faster he got the tighter your muscles became. Stu abandoned your side sitting up to kiss the man between your thighs. Billy's free hand wrapped around Stu's throat squeezing just enough to keep him still. You moaned watching the men as Billy's thrusts continued to knock the air out of you. Billy's borderline whimpers did nothing but fuel your arousal. "Don't stop!" You cried out making Billy hold off his orgasm just a little longer.

Both men watched as you came undone around Billy's cock. It was one of the most beautiful things they'd ever seen. Billy's thrusts became rough and erratic as that familiar white-hot pleasure twisted inside of him. With one final thrust, his body trembled. Your name like a prayer was said over and over like it was the only thing he could say. For a brief moment, it was the only word that existed.

You winced as Billy pulled out. Stu fell next to you pressing a kiss to your cheek. "How was it?" He asked knowing the answer from previous experience. Billy tied off the condom before disposing of it in your bathroom. "I can't feel my legs." You giggled making Stu laugh. A warm fuzzy feeling covered your naked body. You weren't sure if it was the sex or the overall love you felt from both men. Stu helped move the pillow out from under your hips. Your legs and arms felt like jelly as you moved to cover yourself underneath the blankets. Stu followed suit huddling up next to your naked frame.

Billy left the bathroom grabbing his underwear from the floor. You groaned as you rolled out of bed needing to use the restroom. "Do you need help?" Billy asked seeing your wobbly legs. "Don't get cocky." You said with a laugh walking toward the bathroom. "I wasn't trying to-" You pressed a kiss to his lips silencing the boy. "I'm just messing with you."

He smiled watching your ass as you walked into the bathroom. The door shut behind you leaving both men to themselves. Stu grinned seeing the look on Billy's face. "You love us." He said feeling that bubbly feeling once again. Billy laughed to himself. "You know, you might be right."

Taglist (closed): @katie-tibo @agustdeeyaa @bowlofceral @gonnapermashift @tati-the-fangirl @kozumewhore @tatijoestar @illyanam1011 @c4rved-pumpk1n @msghostface @gojosbucket @sammanna @lokigirlszendaya @reneki @fetusharryluvr @kadu-5607 @pumpk1n-writes @lovekeeho @zeysartzone @life-of-music3 @flyestvenustrap @littleblondesoprano @loomiscorpse @nicciekawegosblog @reneemunson @miss-puregotti @ksgsfsgaj @zoleea-exultant @briefwinnerpersonaturtle @mistydreamscape @l4venderia @nex-crowley @ashreblogsnow @brynaa223 @your-desire666 @billyloomiswhore4 @holyladyofsorrows @megluv1 @ellieswifeiya @yoluvrz @forallthstarsinthesky @madsothree @youcantbesirius @lubunnii @captainhowdysseptum @geekygremlin @madneedshelp

Part 15

A/N: Sorry that this chapter took so long to unload. Theres some serious character development happening and I wanted to make sure I did the characters justice. Hope you're enjoying the series so far!💕

(if your name has a line through it Tumblr wouldn't let me tag you.)

#scream #billy loomis #ghostface #scream 1996 #ghostface x reader #scream fanfic #billy loomis x reader #stu macher #billy loomis ghostface #housewife #smut #billy loomis smut #ghostface smut #poly ghostface smut #poly!ghostface x reader #poly ghostface #billy x stu #billy loomis x stu matcher #billy loomis x stu macher x reader #scream x reader #scream smut #stu macher smut #stu macher imagine #billy loomis imagine #billy loomis fanfiction #scream fanfiction #ghostface x female reader #billy loomis x reader smut #poly!ghostface #stu ghostface

[9800sblog]

hi there! hope ure doing good today 💛

so this is like a fun game i send my favourite kpop tarot readers 😊

out of the groups u stan (preferably someone who u've done a "X as a boyfriend" reading for), who would u give a chance if ever they ask you out and why?

answer lightheartedly 💋

thank you and i loveeee ur blogs so much 🥰

I haven't done many of those readings tho!! I am too picky, so I'll do those I would set up with friends

I went a lot by how much I personally feel that these people are trustworthy based on my readings, there's no one else I remember that stood out like that to me. and I didn't choose only kpop because I actually don't know that many idols (adhd

in no particular order

lewis hamilton (formula 1)

if you like complete devotion and obsession, the type to have a secret crush on you for years and watch you from afar while secretely planning to sneak into your life. best friends to lovers vibes. he seems very soft when comfortable, and just wants to cuddle with his person watching movies and playing with his dog. message you everyday, tell you all the details he finds beautiful and still gives you advices or fashion tips that genuinely help and aren't just blatant criticism. seems very soft spoken with pink colored glasses. for those that want to be pampered and have princess treatment, that's your man.

park seonghwa (ateez)

honestly, all of ateez depending on what's your type

again, obsession. this guy would respect the shit out of your freedom and choices, he's the type to love no matter what, as long as you come home to him he's so so happy. seonghwa would love to be friends with your friends, part of your family, intertwined in every piece of your life, but the second you say "I need my space", he's out of your sight for as long as you need. seonghwa is a major extrovert, so he's the type of boyfriend to host friend dinners, house parties and take many many many quirky pictures. this is a more fun and dynamic guy in comparison to lewis, but they are both intensely devoted and decided tho. seonghwa would buy the ring on the first date.

wonyoung (ive)

she'd teach you self love by showing how much she loves you, accepts you unconditionally and trusts you blindly. incredibly sweet and caring person, she's so the type to give random little love messages throughout the week/day and spend hours making handmade gifts for her person. the type to give you one of her clothes and a sample of her perfume to feel like she's always around. I think she'd also transform when you're alone, be way more fun, childish and weird, probably dirty in a funny way that'd make you two feel close. she'd treat her person with so much delicacy and pure love, that even the toughest man wouldn't dare to not melt and accept that they're just a little flower in her well taken care garden.

taylor swift

is in love with love, in love with life, nothing can make her genuinely heartbroken, the type of love she has is so intense, it will be passed through lifetimes. she has such an extended knowledge of different types of people, relationships, arts, patterns of behavior, communications, etc. there is not a single person in this world she wouldn't be able to give genuine love to. but she's also extremely picky with those she actually opens up to, she makes everyone think they know her but only you would and it'd be your little secret. secrecy is something taylor (secretely) loves, her life is very very public so we feel like we know everything about her and her relationships, but there is so much deep inside her head that only someone really really reaaaaaaaaaaaally worthy would know! she is in love with connecting, and once she finds a genuinely good man, she will always always protect and take care of you, and make you feel like you're living in a dream or a movie scene. (connecting with her to write this was so much fun! she is so nice and was giving high-fives when she liked something kkkkkk

[daydreamsandcrashingwaves]

TW: Childhood neglect and abuse, hurt dogs and neglect, complicated family dynamics, cheating, child labor, sorry if I miss something (and please kindly lmk so I can update the list)

I think growing up it was inevitable, already written that I would become sadder, world worn, as the years pass. I know I am not alone. As our eyes open to the world the shine dims, knowledge is power, yes, but also a double edge sword. We begin to see the cracks, the problems, the bad habits. When we are young our guardians show us what is right and what is wrong, and if you grew up with a parent like mine they are always right. Even when it hurts us. Even if you tell them it hurts us. Then you see the inconsistencies, the hypocrisy. What happens when you really aren’t their first priority? Or when they’re so different in public you get whiplash? I can only ever tell you my dear readers. My parent will never face justice for the past. They will never know just how profound their negative impact on my life is. 

On the surface I had everything, a house over my head, a car, a horse to compete with and all the tack that comes with it, a parent that was doing their best to raise two kids by themselves. 

Because I was the “daughter” I was assigned housework, especially if the special guest was coming to visit. The state of the house was only cared about if visitors were to see, my parent is was adamant that everything was perfect and the list was given to me exclusively. My parent is was obsessed with dogs, we had five. Which made our house a prison. Where they objectively good boys, yes, very much so. My heart aches for them and the fact my parent couldn’t let them go. See 1 & 2 couldn’t be in the same room. If they got past the doors to their respective areas it would be a blood bath. Multiple times I tried to convince this parent that moving one would be best. “They’re my family I can’t get rid of one” , “They, at least, love me unconditionally”. I can’t count the number of times I sat on the stairs cleaning up blood. No matter what I said they wouldn’t listen, refused to rehome one into a single dog household (both were angels with people so no issues there). But what could I do? My parent had convinced me my other parent, who had cheated, was worse than my situation and I couldn’t report them because what 11 year old wants to get placed in foster care? My brother? I doubt he would’ve ever gotten clean and be as successful in his field as he is. But at what cost? What did it cost me?  Why did I have to be the sacrificial lamb so to speak. As soon as my brother could drive I was left alone with you, I’d come home from school and get handed a list of chores and orders to fill. I was your own personal worker.

My parent built a secret life with their best friend without their kids, since before my parents divorced, before it was even considered. Ironically I at four set off the chain reaction that took place for them to end up together, and I’m so bitter that they are together. This parent asked me once “why can’t I be happy?, don’t I deserve happiness?” Yes. Maybe. I’m not sure. Your chosen partner has been married since you met, has three children and a husband across the country that doesn’t see their parent because they are with you. Your hypocrisy makes me sick, let alone the morality of being with someone who is married. It’s a slap in the face you expect me to be happy for you when you do what you want despite how it hurts people. (let alone your own children, you like to tell me/everyone you do everything for your kids) I may care about this parent but I mostly resent them. For the dogs, for verbally beating me down once the separation/divorce happened, for never acknowledging my lactose intolerance and exasperating my ARFIDs, for you rebuilding your world secretly- keeping me out of your new happy family, for you tricking everyone into thinking your some kind of animal saint when you hoard animals to avoid dealing with your own shit, I can’t stand your farm because people gush over you and your kind heart, yet I wanna throw up when you get another animal. It must be easier to love something that doesn’t talk back, or be able tell you when you’ve hurt them. 

You’ve always been a defensive parent. You never apologized for what you drilled into my brain as a child, and honestly at this point it probably wouldn’t mean much, there are too many dark clouds and distance between us. My Grandmother is the parent I acknowledge from your side. She raised me, tried so hard to build me up. Maybe if you had done the same, when the world dug it’s claws into my soul I wouldn’t have listened. I would’ve been reinforced by your love, something I so desperately wanted. You implied that I didn’t love you unconditionally. You’re right. I refuse to love someone as cruel as you. Children are not required to love people who abuse and mistreat them, not that you think of it that way.

Sorry if this is a bit unorganized, my thoughts have been so scattered and I can’t discuss this IRL as my parent has a strong social presence, and a lot of it isn’t pretty so I chose not to IRL. Much love my dear readers, thank you for reading this far. I hope this can make someone feel less alone in their complicated family dynamic. 

I’ve discovered thru therapy that our anger is the part of us that loves us and knows when we’ve been mistreated, so recognize your anger my friends

~Ren

#personal #daydreamsandcrashingwaveswrites #daydreamsandcrashingwaves #not edited #child labor laws should apply to families too #no don't tell me about how your family business needs your or your childs labor because it's not right to force kids to focus on survival #children #Children are not mini adults #Children should GET TO BE CHILDREN #I'm so fucking tired #Fucking fight me on this #I'm already fired up

[ablednt]

I wonder how many "dog people" like dogs because it's actually fully normalized to emotionally/verbally and/or physically abuse/neglect them and they can't talk back like human children.

#animal abuse tw #dogs tw #the parents are huge dog people but #our dog literally developed an anxiety (and probably traumatic) disorder due to the way they treated him #and it wasnt until his passing last year when they all made demeaning jokes about him on his goddamn deathbed abt how inconveniencing he was #for having to be taken care of and for acting out bc they werent giving him anything to enrich him or his life that i really looked back on #the way he got treated and everything and realized how horrorific it actually was and like the thing is #theyre literally better than a lot of people bc they at least realize that 'outside dogs' = abuse and that theyre not toys #didnt stop them from being abusive as all shit but it just. makes me so fucking sad. how engrained mistreatment is in dog culture #the obsession on how unconditionally dogs love you no matter what you do and how obedient they are is honestly terrifying and disgusting #(this isnt to say that training dogs is bad ofc just. dogs are living beings. dont expect them to be perfect angels. dont punish them for #being an inconvenience lmao)

[neurodiversebones]

autistic brennan !!!

in my autistic opinion... here you go. a SLIGHTLY more organized version of what i have dropped in the DMs of anyone who is willing to listen, copy and pasted from a google doc i have so eloquently named "bones is fucking autistic" !!

this headcanon is like. 95% confirmed, which kind of makes my heart do a little "!!!" <3 idk brennan means a Lot to me and always did as a young autistic afab person :-) so here you go !! (under the cut)

okay SO here is my explanation for my headcanon, explained in bullet points- this took up multiple google docs pages so i hope you're ready

emotional display:

has absolutely zero poker face- we see this frequently. there are too many instances to count where she cannot hide her facial expressions !! it is also referenced by booth in late season 8, and i think a few other characters have mentioned it throughout the series?

this is especially in the earlier seasons, but her response to stress and trauma is Very Neurodivergent. she rarely has an outward response- it's so rare to see her cry before season 7/8 ?? this could also definitely be a trauma thing but like,,, trauma symptoms and autistic traits are unfortunately hard to differentiate between because autistic people tend to go through more traumatic situations

not exactly emotional display, but similar- she clearly has alexithymia, or something of the sort (basically, she struggles to recognize her own emotions). this is exhibited a few times- the one i can remember right now is "i don't understand what i'm feeling" "you understand happy, right?" (conversation with angela, season 9). this is actually something i have rarely seen in a character- at least not done well. it makes me very happy !!!

empathy:

she struggles to understand why others would think differently than her- her view of the world is Correct in her eyes, and she finds it difficult to look from someone else's point of view. this frequently ends in her criticizing those around her- her view of the world is incredibly black and white, so when others disagree with her, she believes they must be wrong.

extension of the black and white thinking- she doesn't understand concepts, no matter how hard she tries. she needs evidence and proof. examples of this would be her views on god/religion, love (pre-season 6), and marriage (pre-season 8)

despite her lack of empathy toward people, she exhibits a lot of empathy toward animals. this is actually a really common autistic trait?? examples of this would be her emotional attachment to the dogs in 4x04, or her explosive reaction to finding out the tiger was killed in 8x04

social/conversational skills:

this is probably her most obvious and easily recognizable autistic trait- it's what made me go "she's autistic" after watching a few episodes

she does not understand jokes or sarcasm very well- she frequently gets confused by jokes, explaining why they aren't funny or don't make sense, especially pop culture jokes. when she does understand jokes or pop culture references, she gets very excited and explains them out loud, even though everyone around her already understands (just adding- i love this so much ?? her explaining jokes is Very Cute. i'm sorry i'm a simple gay who can't go ten minutes without declaring my love for her)

struggles with small talk and social niceties- this is used as a joke in nearly every episode. she doesn't do small talk well- preferring to talk about topics that are actually important or interest her. she doesn't see the need for most social conventions either, which leads to her frequently being seen as rude.

she misses social cues in conversations- she frequently brings up topics that are probably not Appropriate for the setting (talking about dead bodies in a restaurant, talking about sex while standing over a dead body, etc.)

she is incredibly literal, and doesn't understand metaphorical speak. this goes hand in hand with the not understanding jokes- she takes many phrases at face value, sometimes confusing others

tone:

she frequently comes off as cold or blunt without meaning to be- many people read her as "heartless" or just uninterested because of the way she speaks, even when she is very invested.

i don't know how to explain this other than her speaking pattern is Very Autistic- the way she pauses mid sentence all the time, the facial expressions she makes while speaking, it's all autism babey !!!

intense focus on one topic:

okay it's very obvious that her special interests are forensics and anthropology

she gets hyperfocused, often losing herself in her work and putting herself through the ringer for it. she puts her work above (almost) everything, and has stated on multiple occasions that she would be nothing without her work.

she often explains the things around her with references to anthropology and ancient civilizations- she uses these references to explain her feelings, the situations she's in, and frequently, to solve crimes. things make sense to her when she thinks about them like this.

not engaging with peers in an "expected" way:

she is often showed to have difficulty getting close with people- she doesn't like showing emotion to others, and would rather just talk about the task at hand. this could very well be explained by her trauma background- but i believe it's probably a bit of both.

she finds it difficult to bond with her peers over common things, like pop culture, and rather talks about work or other things. she doesn't open up to a lot of people, even those who she is incredibly close with.

other/misc.:

stimming !! this doesn't have enough instances to get its own section, but i like to interpret that wonder woman scene as vestibular stimming, purely because i love to spin and jump !!!!

detail oriented, to the point of obsession. it's common for autistic people to get caught up in the details of things, which she definitely does.

views on sexuality differ from the "norm"- she is very critical of monogamy during the first half of the series, and does not see the point in marriage. also she's definitely arospec, just putting that out there <3

i am autistic and i love her therefore i'm right

final notes:

i think she's one of my favourite autistic characters to exist- i usually despise the socially awkward detective trope, but it's handled well here. the people around her don't expect her to change the innate aspects of who she is- rather, they love her unconditionally (even if they are exasperated at times- which is natural to feel with people that you love)

i very much like that they didn't go with the socially awkward + smart = unattractive trope either- she knows that she's hot, and so do the people around her. i'm so sick of nerdy girls not being allowed to be hot 😭 especially when it comes to autistic-coded characters- let autistic people have sex lives 2k21

she just,,, holds a very special place in my heart. as an undiagnosed autistic afab kid, she meant a lot to me. i saw a woman on screen who was smart like me and sometimes confused people because of her intelligence, who didn't really get social situations, who didn't know how to express how she felt. she was like me- and she loved herself, and people loved her. she's a very important character to me and has been since i was really young <3

thank you SO MUCH to anybody who read this- brennan is the loml and i will infodump about her until the end of time

#bones tv #bones on fox #temperance brennan #bonestv #brennan #emily deschanel #autistic headcanon #autistic pride #actuallyautistic #autistic brennan #autistic bones #autistic characters #autism #autistic #neurodivergent #my headcanons

[abendrotbrav]

@despondentdruid​ said: "I got it back... I got it back... Sophia, I have it, my spear...! Isn't beautiful? Don't you want to see? Haha... My spear... My spear... It's back... I can be 'me' again..." this just in on: may gets her legal advisors ready for the emotional damage suing about to happen

It feels like a cold flood in her chest.

The world is hazy, parroted reality's words. This had happened, but not like this. On the cliff face, they stand.

Here, she is alive. She's here. They can leave. But her hand passes through him. Unreachable. The world is solid except for him, when normally, it is the opposite.

He speaks with love and obsession, holds her dead body in a parody of their confession. It's grotesque, bloody and vile. She cannot see the beauty in it, in her only defining features being empty olive eyes staring glassily at her and a clump of blood matted blonde hair. He held her like this, that day, with whispered words that changed everything and nothing. They’re similar to what he says now.

Tears land on the ground (her own) and he presses his cheek into the ruby red weapon, glimmering in the light with blood (her own, her own.) He whispers love and adoration, fingers delving into the wound in her chest to feel the thorns of his weapon. This is his love. This is all he needs to be complete. (She never said she heard him that day.) 

Sophia can feel his warm hand in her chest even standing displaced from her dead body. He explores the wet space and it should be reassuring, any touch of his, but this feels violating, horrifying. He takes back his spear thorn by thorn and becomes a true mage to her. Even as she scratches at her chest he feels nothing. Even as she keens, wails, stretches out to hold him there is nothing. His eyes are hollow as they are bright.

It's choking on air. She doesn't know how the weapon is extracted and her mind can't come up with anything other than it being ripped violently out of her. But even in this moment there is a faint pulse of her runes. Maybe she could be saved- he'd just need to heal her, surely, it would be difficult, but she could make it, she was alive-!

Her body falls off the cliff yet he doesn't even watch it tumble off. He cherishes his weapon, even as hands claw at his legs. She can't watch this macabre display. He doesn't need her. He doesn't need anyone else. She hears these whispers.

Sophia has no place in his future or heart if he holds the Gae Bolg. He will never love her this way, the way he loves that haunting spectre of his past, and she feels sick that she wishes he did. There is nothing unconditionally faithful to her in this world. There never has or will be, her dreams taunt. She can't watch him, smearing blood across his cheek as he embraces the Gae Bolg like a lover.

She joins her body over the cliff---

Sophia awakes in a cold sweat. The sheets cling to her as much as solid arms do. The guilt swims like fish in her chest. She's a miserable wretch, dreaming those things. Miserable disgusting terrible awful pathetic weak worthless selfish mistake--

She should be happy enough with what she has. She's lucky enough to be loved at all. Didn't she know that he'll realize someday? Shouldn't she be ashamed for having such a nightmare of someone she trusts?

It's not easy to escape his arms or slip out down the hall unnoticed, but she needs to be somewhere else, blind to a dog tailing silently after her. Her chest is tight. Sophia can't be there. 

(She hopes he didn’t share that dream, but something in her knows he did, it’s only a matter of waking up. She can’t face that. Not right now.)

He'll wake up if he hears her sobbing, and she can't, won't, burden him with that hot shame.

#plastic intermingled with porcelain and flesh.ic #dreaming others dreams but here i don't belong.master #go ahead and give me more attention!.ask #gore tw #body horror tw #suicidal ideation tw #((looks at those tags and fucking sweats

[hope-meets-despair-imagines]

Oi! Welcome to to the dangan imagines circles! I'm excited to see you around! I've got a little request for ya, if you'll choose to accept: some dangan characters getting a new pet! I've for sure like to see Rantaro, Sōda, and Ishimaru. Oh! Kiibo too! Anyone else would be appreciated! Have fun with it!

Aww! I love animals! It’s also refreshing to see a request with DR1 and SDR2 characters; Ishimaru and Souda are Good Bois™

♣ Mod Junko ♣

Ishimaru, Asahina, Souda, Sonia, Amami and K1-B0 adopting a pet!

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

Taka would be the most likely to get a cat. Affectionate, cuddly, but not too high maintenance (plus Mondo likes cats, so he partially got the cat for his best bro too).

We all know Taka has more book smarts than people smarts… He also has more book smarts than animal smarts. Beforehand, he’d spend hours and hours researching the proper ways to take care of a pet, then he’d narrow it down to cats exclusively, then the breed of cat he was considering. A cat is a living, breathing being, Taka knew this, of course. He wanted to make sure his new companion would be safe and happy.

At first, Taka would seem confident in his ability to care for an animal, but once he actually brought it home, the nerves would settle in. What if something happens to it? What if it ended up hating him?

No! He couldn’t think like that! Confidence is key! Besides, he had already done so much research, it was highly unlikely anything would go wrong.

In the end, Taka was a great cat caretaker. A little black tom cat, gentle and calm. He’d follow his owner around, lay on Taka’s lap as he studied. Taka found himself talking to his cat like he was a person on more than one occasion. At first he was embarrassed, but he enjoyed their conversations.

If you can believe it, his cat in a way made Taka lighten up a bit more. Now, he had someone to take care of, something more important than studying. Now, Taka of course was still a study happy teenager, but he had calmed down quite a bit after adopting his new friend. Once again, it goes to show what a furry friend can do for your mental health.

Aoi Asahina

The energetic Hina would of course adopt an equally hyper dog. Someone she could exercise with, have fun with, and someone who would always be able to cheer her up when she was sad.

When it comes to taking care of a pet, or, anything, Hina prefers to trust her gut. How difficult could taking care of a dog really be anyway?

She drug Sakura along when they went to the adoption center. Hina trusted her best friend to help her pick out the perfect companion. They settled on a happy young golden retriever. Hina was so excited to take the dog home that Sakura had to remind her that they needed to buy food, dishes, toys etc. before they could leave.

The first thing Hina did was build her dog its very own dog house. She intended to have it live inside with her, but every dog needed a dog house regardless. Hina’s not as bad of a carpenter as you’d expect. The dog house ended up looking really nice, and her furry companion loved it.

They quickly got into a routine of morning jogs around the neighborhood, 100 laps in the swimming pool (which ended up being around 50 or so since most of the time was spent splashing each other), afternoon squats, push-ups and lunges around the house, evenings spent playing fetch in the park, and nighttime cuddles (with a little rough housing mixed in). There was hardly any downtime, but neither of them minded at all.

Hina loved her dog unconditionally. She was usually a bright and cheery girl, but the amount of sadness she did feel seemed to lessen ever since she adopted her pet. She swore to always love and protect it, no matter the cost!

Kazuichi Souda

Kazuichi’s a little wary around animals, but he’d been wanting to get a bird for some time, so eventually he shrugged off his nerves and bought himself a parrot.

Kazuichi didn’t really want to keep it locked up in a cage, so he let it roam around his garage. It ended up escaping a few times, so he had to swallow his pride and ask Gundham for help. The bright side to asking Gundham for help was that Kazuichi managed to pick up a few tips and tricks. After a few failed attempts, he was able to lure the bird back home himself.

Another reason Kazuichi adopted a pet was to impress Sonia. He knew she liked animals, and maybe having a bird around would get her to think more highly of him. Well, she thought highly of the bird, but her distaste for the mechanic was still there. However, whenever Sonia would stop by to visit the parrot, it would excitedly squawk “Miss Sonia!” and flutter over to the princess to rest on her shoulder. As time went on, Kazuichi would find himself growing more and more attached to his parrot. So much so that he even tried to keep it away from Sonia.

As he tinkered with machines, cars, tools, anything he could take apart, he’d teach his parrot new words and new phrases. It ended up learning some… vulgar language, but it was actually kind of hilarious. Kazuichi would toss a berry up in the air and the parrot would swoop down to catch it in its beak. It’s safe to assume that the bird ended up being smarter than its owner.

Sonia Nevermind

After spending so much time with Gundham and his hamsters Four Dark Devas of Destruction, Sonia decided she wanted a pet of her own. Originally she wanted to get something exciting and exotic, like a tiger or a zebra, but even being a princess, these kinds of animals were hard to come by. Plus they were wild animals, not meant to be kept as pets. So, she decided to compromise, and adopted a chinchilla.

This chinchilla was treated like royalty. It had its own house the length and width of a king sized bed. It was fed its own special food made by its own personal chef (yes, Sonia hired a chef for her chinchilla), and Sonia even bought it cute little sweaters and hats.

She took it everywhere with her. You’d scarcely see Sonia without her chinchilla cradled in her arms or resting on her shoulder. She’d read it stories before bed, and sing it lullabies. It’s fair to say she treated it more like a small child than an animal.

Whenever she had questions, Sonia would consult Gundham for answers. She loved her little friend, she wanted to make sure she was a good parent. She’d bring her chinchilla over to Gundham’s so all of their pets could have play dates.

Eventually Sonia adopted another chinchilla so it wouldn’t be lonely. Her duties as a princess kept her busier than she would have liked, but she still made sure she had time for her beloved pet.

Rantaro Amami

Since Rantaro travels a lot, he wanted a pet who was tough and loyal, a pet he could take with him on adventures. What better companion than a German shepherd?

Having twelve sisters, it should come as no surprise that Rantaro has had his fair share in experiences with animals. He knew how to care for all sorts of animals, from fish to ferrets, lizards to cats and all things furry, feathery or scaly.

Out of everyone, he’d be the most responsible pet owner, despite dragging it along on all of his adventures. With all of the moving around they did, the dog grew very strong. Yet, it was one of the kindest creatures Rantaro had ever seen.

He’d bring it over to his sister’s so they could play with it. It was a big dog, but it was gentle with the girls. Rantaro even said at one point that the dog had wisdom beyond its years, which was true.

Adventuring was fun, but Rantaro was content for the down time they did have. He’d lay in bed and his dog would jump onto the bed with him. No matter how many times he pushed it off, it kept persisting. Eventually Rantaro gave up and let his dog sleep with him at the end of his bed. But he’d always wake up with it laying on top of him.

K1-B0

You think Taka was obsessive with pre adoption research? He has nothing on Kiibo. Kiibo read every book, every article, he even had Miu build him a robotic prototype so he could have practice caring for a living being. What animal did he end up adopting after going to all that trouble? A single betta fish.

But he loved this fish. All those crude insults Kokichi would spew about Kiibo being an emotionless robot? Just spend five minutes with Kiibo as he gushed about his fish and you wouldn’t even consider the possibility that Kiibo didn’t have a heart of some sort.

He would trail his finger on the outside of the tank, and his fish would follow it around. He taught it to jump out of the water to grab a piece of food from in between his fingers.

Once he felt confident enough with his fish care capabilities, Kiibo bought more fish to keep the betta company. Guppies, tetras, mollies and colorful snails inhabited his newfound aquatic empire. He was immensely proud of how well his fish were fairing. He’d boast constantly about how good of a pet owner he was. Miu would always cheer him on, but of course Kokichi called him arrogant and said that taking care of fish wasn’t anything to get all excited about.

But Kiibo didn’t care. He loved his fish more than anything, and that’s all that mattered to him.

#danganronpa #danganronpa imagine #dr imagine #dr1 #sdr2 #ndrv3 #kiyotaka ishimaru #aoi asahina #kazuichi souda #sonia nevermind #rantaro amami #kiibo

[duchesty]

The Sims 4 Experiences Challenge

Are you sick of doing the same old thing every time you play the Sims? Do you find yourself falling into the same routine every time you play and inevitably getting bored of the gameplay? Are there expansion/game packs that you've bought, but never really played much because you struggled figuring out how to incorporate it into your gameplay? Or maybe, you're like me, and just get super overwhelmed with all the options for things to do in the Sims, so you just end up doing what's familiar and comfortable?

Say hello to the Sims 4 Experiences Challenge! I created this challenge specifically to get the most use out of every expansion/game pack in the Sims 4 (to date). I’ll keep adding on to it whenever a new one comes out. This Legacy-type challenge will focus on one major expansion, or several small ones, each generation and require your Sims to complete a variety of requirements to live out their lives very differently from their predecessors. The goal is that it will help you get out of your comfort zone and to experience the most out of your gameplay and what the Sims 4 has to offer. So, without further ado…

Rules:

Try to avoid using any cheats/mods that grant money or items, cheat, etc. That being said, I can’t tell you how to play your game, so do what you want :)

Lifespan should be set to Normal, with Aging turned on. MCCC is recommended for story progression.

If you don't own an expansion, skip that generation. Otherwise, play through the generations in whatever order you want. The order here is just a guideline.

For every generation, you must complete the Aspiration and reach the top of the Career track, unless otherwise stated.

Each generation must have at least one child to be the heir for the next gen. You can choose any of your Sim's children as the heir. The other children kinda sorta don't matter (except in the Parenthood generation). Do whatever you want with them. Same goes with spouses.

Like the infamous Not So Berry Challenge (which loosely inspired me to make this challenge), your Sims should fit a certain color theme for each generation, and also a specific clothing style. It's not 100% necessary, obviously, but it’ll will encourage you to try out things in CAS you might not have used before. And trying new things what this challenge is all about! :)

If you play this challenge and want to share it, tag it with #sims4exp so others can see!

Generation One : Base Game : Yellow

You couldn't wait to move out and get as far away from your podunk little hometown as soon as possible. Right when you turned 18, you worked up the nerve and finally did it, packing your things and taking the first step toward independence and fulfilling your dream of becoming a rock star! Unfortunately, you definitely burned some bridges along the way, and now...  your family won't even speak to you. At least you worked your butt off and managed to save up a nice chunk of change to make the move possible, but after buying your first bit of property… there's not much left. Now you’re in a new, unfamiliar world with no money, no family, no friends, and no idea what to do next. Can you make it on your own and build yourself up from nothing, or will you get desperate and turn to a life of crime to make ends meet?

Aspiration: Fabulously Wealthy (Complete Level 3) Career: Criminal (Boss Branch) Traits: Materialistic, Kleptomaniac, Creative Appearance: Homeless/Basic. Started from the  bottom, now you’re here. You literally moved out from home, barely legal,  with nothing but a couple of bucks in your pocket and a head full of dreams.  Decent clothes aren’t really in the budget.

Requirements:

Buy an empty lot, set money to $2,000, use as much of it as possible to get the basics (choose wisely!), then set money down to $0

Max the Mischief, Handiness, and [any Instrument] skills

Earn >$500 from song royalties as you try to make your way

Cannot get a job until at least $2,000 on hand

Eventually give up on your dreams of stardom & join the Criminal career

Must steal 5 pieces of furniture worth at least $250 each to prove yourself to the mob boss

Have 3 Enemies and an "It’s Very Complicated” relationship

Have an "Enemies with Benefits" relationship, and eventually marry them

Cannot move-in partner/get married until at least Level 5 in career track

Generation Two : Get to Work : Blue

Growing up was kind of rough for you. Your parents struggled hardcore with finances, especially in the beginning. They went down a dark path just to keep the family afloat. That's why you want to make sure you can live a better life than your parents did. You have your sights set on a legitimate, secure, high-paying career that will allow you to have the lifestyle you want. You won't rest until you’re at the top of the corporate ladder, so people could say you’re a bit of a workaholic. As a means to relieve stress, you take up photography and drinking at the local watering hole after work. Alien Night at the bar quickly becomes your favorite past-time, and before long, you bite off a bit more than you can swallow... Unfortunately, all this focus on your career and your nightlife means you have little time for anything else, including your family. Will your find a way to balance your work life and home life? Or will you let the stress get to you and end up doing something you’ll regret?

Aspiration: Friend of the World (Doctor) OR Bodybuilder (Detective) OR Nerd Brain (Scientist) Career: Doctor, Detective, or Scientist Traits: Ambitious, Hotheaded, Genius Appearance: Business Professional. You’ve got a corporate ladder to climb. Gotta be “on” all the time, 24/7, if you want them to take you seriously.

Doctor Requirements:

Max Logic and Charisma skills

Complete the Microscope Prints Collection

Deliver 3 babies

Visit the Sylvan Glade secret lot

Detective Requirements:

Max Logic and Fitness skills

Complete the Postcards Collection

Solve 12 cases

Visit the Sylvan Glade secret lot

Scientist Requirements:

Max Logic and Handiness skills

Complete the Elements Collection

Finish Rocket Ship & visit Sixam

Visit the Forgotten Grotto secret lot

Requirements for ALL:

Max Photography skill to relieve stress

Attend Alien Night at the bar whenever possible

Become Best Friends with an Alien met at the bar

Have an affair with an Alien OR marry an Alien

Get abducted by aliens and have an alien baby (you can cheat for this if necessary)

Never become Good Friends with any children

Get a dog/cat to keep your children company

Generation Three : Cats & Dogs : Pink

Your childhood was pretty lonely. Your parents were always working and never really made time for you. Sure, you lived pretty comfortably in a nice home with lots of things, but it would’ve been nice to have been a priority in their lives. Your one saving grace was that your parents got you a pet, as if they were aware of how lonely you were but couldn’t be bothered to handle it themselves. You clung to that pet with your life and it became your best friend as you grew up. Before long, you learned to love animals more than you loved people. People were complicated, but pets? Pets were simple. Dogs and cats love unconditionally—they would give you love and attention no matter what. You fill your home with pets so that you’re always in the company of their doting furry faces. You dedicate your life to pets and decide to start up a Veterinary Clinic from scratch. You just know you’ll be able to make it the best clinic around. How hard could it possibly be?

Aspiration: Friend of the Animals Career: Veterinarian - start a new Vet Clinic Traits: Cat/Dog Lover, Loner, Good Appearance: Cutesy. You never really grew out of the cutesy phase, seeing as how your only friends were animals. Your style is reminiscent of a children’s book, or perhaps a cartoon character. People would describe you as adorable, which might not be the best thing for a grown adult.

Requirements:

Become Companions with childhood pet

Max Veterinarian & Pet Training skills

Start a Vet Clinic from scratch

Turn your Vet Clinic into a super success (5 star rating)

Adopt a pet via computer

Befriend and adopt a stray in the neighborhood

Own at least 3 pets (at least one cat, one dog)

Become Companions with all of your pets

Complete the Feathers collection

Breed a pet once

Spay/Neuter all your non-breeding pets because you're a responsible pet owner

Run a Simstagram account for a pet

Craft an Ambrosia pet treat & feed to a beloved pet

Generation Four : Parenthood : White

Your parents were obsessed with their pets & vet clinic and seemed to care more about the animals than you. You excelled at sports growing up, but your parents never came to any of your games because they were always busy with the animals. As a result, you never developed a good relationship with them and have been resentful of them your entire life. You vowed to never repeat your parents' mistakes and do right by your family when the time came. At first, you dreamed of becoming a professional athlete when you grew up, but then quickly realized your real goal in life once you hit maturity. You’re absolutely obsessed with finding your soulmate, settling down, and raising a herd of children, while maintaining top physical shape in the process. It goes without saying that your children will be the best, most amazing, model children in the neighborhood. You’re sure that if you spend extra time with your kids and give them all the attention and support they need, that they'll grow up into super successful special snowflakes that become honor roll students with well-developed personalities and a great relationship with their family. Will your hyper-involved parenting and the pressure you put on their children be enough to give you the family you’ve always wanted?

Aspiration: Super Parent Career: Athlete (Professional Athlete Branch), until first child is born Traits: Family Oriented, Neat, Active Appearance: Soccer Mom/Dad. With a family this huge to take care of, clothing is more a matter of function than style, at this point.

Requirements:

Max Cooking, Fitness, and Parenting skills

Go on 3 dates with a Sim as a teen and become Soulmates before marrying them

Must get married before having first child

Must quit job once first child is born to raise children; [work from home is optional], spouse can still have traditional career

Must have at least 3 children

No nannies / butler allowed—you're determined to raise your own kids the hard way

Next gen heir must be the "black sheep" of the family-- bad relationship with parents, bad grades, & earn Irresponsible & Negative Emotional Control character value traits

One toddler must gain "Top Notch Toddler" trait, one toddler must gain "Happy Toddler" trait

All children must complete their Childhood Aspirations (**heir must choose Social Butterfly)

Non-heir children must earn 2 positive character traits

Must become Good Friends with non-heir children

Non-heir children must maintain at least a B grade in school

Generation Five : City Living : Red

You had a huge family growing up, with overbearing parents, a bunch of annoying siblings, and virtually no privacy. Life was a constant state of arguing, smothering, and claustrophobia. All you want is to have your own life, be known for who you are and not who your family is, and have your own space. What better way to do that than to move out to the big city and chase fame and glory? You’ve always been a huge social butterfly and your constant need for attention made you the perfect candidate for Simstagram stardom! It's the perfect outlet for you as you embody city life, try new things, and maybe even meet someone special (or several someones)! Will you find happiness on your journey to find yourself and your place in the world, or will it all end in disaster with you running home with your tail between your legs?

Aspiration: (Social Butterfly Childhood), City Native Career: Social Media (Internet Personality Branch) Traits: Romantic, Noncommittal, Geek Appearance: Trendsetting Hipster. You’re destined to be the hottest thing on Simstagram, so you’ve gotta look the part. You have to be a super trendy and fashionable hipster.

Requirements:

Complete Social Butterfly Childhood Aspiration

Move to an apartment in San Myshuno

Max Charisma, Video Gaming, and Mischief

Get 25mil followers on Simstagram

Humor & Hijinks Festival - Lead your side to victory

Romance Festival – Get engaged and/or married at the festival

GeekCon Festival – Get a perfect score in the Ultimate Gaming Test

Spice Festival – Complete the Spicy Challenge

Flea Market – Set up a shop of your own stuff for sale and make a profit of at least $250

Complete the City Posters collection

Have at least 5 boyfriends/girlfriends in your lifetime

Have only 1 child and become Best Friends with them because you're a cool mom

Get married for the first time in late Adulthood

Generation Six : Get Together + Outdoor Retreat : Green

Your parents led quite the chaotic, wild life, but the hustle and bustle of city life was never really for you. You didn't really get a chance to make a lot of friends your own age growing up, since life sort of revolved around your crazy parent and all their social-media-conquering escapades. All you want is a peaceful life away from the chaos of the inner city and more time outdoors, enjoying the beauty of nature. Having some hobbies wouldn't hurt either... and friends... real friends would be nice. You seek the company and approval of others, so you join a career that revolves around entertainment. To fill the void in your life, you want to run a club full of like-minded individuals so that you can have a second family away from home. You want to meet and hang out with people who have the same interests you do—maybe do a little hiking, take some camping trips, explore the beauty of nature. Will your new alternative lifestyle be able to fill the void in your life?

Aspiration: Outdoor Enthusiast Career: Entertainer (Comedian branch) Traits: Outgoing, Erratic, Insider Appearance: Hippie. You care more about nature than what other people think of your wardrobe. As long as it’s comfortable and groovy, who cares? It’s not like the trees are going to judge you.

Requirements:

Max Herbalism, Fishing, Charisma, Comedy skills

Take over the Garden Gnomes Club as the new leader, OR start your own Nature Club, and fill it with like-minded friends:

----------Ages (Teen-Elder); Traits (Loves Outdoors); Club Activities (Be Friendly, Fish, Hangout by Fire, Tend Garden, Swim); Hangout (any lot with lots of Nature-related activities)

Join one other Club as well

Go on Club Gatherings whenever possible (at least twice a week)

Become Good Friends with all your Club members—they're like your second family

Go on vacation to Granite Falls at least twice

Become Best Friends with the Hermit of Granite Falls

Harvest all unidentified plants

Generation Seven : Vampires : Black

Your parents were obsessed with nature, and you were too, up until you had a run-in with a Vampire when you were a kid. Ever since then, you’ve been obsessed with the supernatural. No one believed that you’d met a Vampire, chalking it up to an overactive imagination, but you were always sure of it. You did as much research on them as possible, hoping to be able to run into a Vampire again someday. Finally, you decide to move to Forgotten Hollow, the haunted neighborhood known for strange, almost occult, occurrences, in the hope of finding what you’re looking for there. Eventually, your wish is granted and you have another encounter with a Vampire. Does it turn out to be everything you’ve ever dreamed of or does it turn into the stuff nightmares are made of?

Aspiration: Master Vampire Career: Writer (Author Branch) Traits: Bookworm, Evil, Self-Assured Appearance: Cliché Vampire. Just because you can’t see yourself in the mirror, doesn’t mean everyone else can’t. You basically invented goth. You’re born from the darkness and revel in black so you can stay in the shadows. They’ll never see you coming.

Requirements:

Move to Forgotten Hollow to a house with Vampire Nexus & Registered Vampire Lair lot traits

Master Writing, Logic, Pipe Organ, and Vampire Lore skills

Write and Publish 5 books about Vampires

Read "The Ultimate Vampire Tome"

Become Good Friends with 3 Vampires

Become Best Friends with a Vampire, then marry them

Have your Vampire spouse turn you into a Vampire

Grow Plasma Fruit, Garlic, and Wolfsbane on your home lot

Turn 3 Sims into Vampires

Have one Vampire child and one Human child

Become a Grand Master Vampire

(If Vampire child chosen as heir) Offer your child the Ultimate Vampire Cure when they become of age (YA)

Generation Eight : Dine Out : Gray

Because you grew up with Vampire parents, you pretty much starved growing up. Okay, well not really, but it was always hard to find real food to eat at home when your parents technically didn’t have to eat. Because good food was such a rarity in your household, you became obsessed with it. You developed a deep love and appreciation for human food. Whenever you went out to eat with your friends, you treated the meal like an adventure. Food quickly became your passion and you modeled your life after the pursuit of the perfect meal. You dream of becoming a renowned chef, but even more than that, you want to own your own restaurant someday. Once you’re the proud owner of a five-star restaurant… you’ll know you’ve made it.

Aspiration:  Master Chef Career:  Culinary (Chef) until Lvl 6, then Buy a Restaurant Traits: Foodie, Squeamish, Perfectionist Appearance: Prim & Proper. If people are going to respect you, you’ve got to maintain the appearance of someone who’s a somebody. Not just anyone can be the proprietor of a five-star restaurant. Your style is very conservative, sharp, and straight-laced. You turn the stuffy look into an art.

Requirements:

Join Culinary Career (Chef Branch)

After at least level 6 in Culinary Career, quit job and buy a Restaurant

Fully staff Restaurant

Get Restaurant to 5 Stars

Make net profit of at least $4,000 in three shifts

Max the Culinary, Gourmet Chef, and Baking skills

Learn all 27 unlockable recipes from the food stalls in San Myshuno

Cook Ambrosia once

Generation Nine : Jungle Adventure + Spa Day : Orange

You spent a lot of your childhood eating foods from all over the world and meeting restaurant patrons from each end of the globe. You don’t just want to eat the foods, you want to experience the culture. Your dream is to travel to distant countries and experience their culture. You want to get outside of the bubble of your comfortable hometown and find adventure and diversity. Then, when you’re worn out, you want to be able to come home, relax, and unwind at the local spa. Your parents used to leave you with the babysitter and go to the spa by themselves on “me days” so, naturally, you want to see what all the fuss was about. Of course, it’s even more amazing than you could’ve expected and it becomes your homecoming routine. Yoga becomes a surprising personal favorite and your go-to form of exercise and detox. When you’re home, you make a name for yourself by writing books about your travels and painting epic portrayals of your adventures. Antidotes aren’t cheap! With all that traveling, adventures, yoga, spa days, and creative outlets, who could ask for more?

Aspiration: Jungle Explorer Career: No traditional career, must live off royalties/adventuring finds Traits: Cheerful, Clumsy, Dance Machine Appearance: Selvadoradan. You visit so often that the locals basically consider you to be one of them. It helps that you dress like them, talk like them, and immerse yourself in their lifestyle. You are one with the Selvadoradan culture.

 Requirements:

Max Selvadoradan Culture, Archaeology,  Wellness, and Writing skills

Complete the Ancient  Omiscan Artifact OR Omiscan Treasure collections

Combine and create 12 different Relics

Go on at least 2 Selvadoradan vacations

Visit the Spa after each trip, and at  least twice per week

Woohoo in a Sauna

Attend each Yoga class twice

Marry a Selvadoradan Native

Own a massage table and give your  spouse a Massage daily

Write 3 books about your Selvadoradan adventures

Generation Ten : Seasons : Multicolor

You lived an eventful childhood, traveling constantly with your family, and you just want to settle down in one place for a nice, long while and maybe not ever move again. You’ve had enough excitement for one lifetime. The traditional lifestyle isn’t for you either though, so you want to start a farm and live off the land. An ambitious lifestyle isn’t really in the cards for you, so you just want to live the simple life and raise a family in a quaint neighborhood, celebrate the holidays together, and just do normal family things.

Aspiration: Freelance Botanist Career: Gardening (either branch) Traits: Loves Outdoors, Vegetarian, Goofball Appearance: Seasonal. You're super into [choose a season] and dress in that style all the time, even when it doesn't really make sense sometimes.

Requirements:

Max Gardening, Flower Arranging, and Handiness skills

Join Scouts as a child and complete the Badge collection

Grow every type of plant on your lot (including grafted plants)

Grow 3 Cowplants at once and don't die to any of them!

Feed a Sim to a Cowplant and drink the Essence of Life

Graft a Death Flower & plant it

Celebrate every major holiday

Throw a party for each major family event (birthdays, engagements, marriages, etc)

Befriend Patchy

Own a weather machine

Generation Eleven : Get Famous : Purple

Growing up, your only real form of entertainment and respite from farming duties and chores, was the television. You watched the fantastical stories unfold on the telly and couldn’t help but yearn for a life of adventure like the heroes in your favorite series. Or, perhaps, it’d be even more thrilling to lead a daring life of crime, constantly on the lam, and barely avoiding discovery right under the nose of the authorities! Whatever the story may be, you’ve always dreamed of making your grand debut on the silver screen, and now’s your chance! You did managed to land your first audition and moved out to Del Sol Valley to really commit to the cause. You know what they say, go big or go home, but in this case... going home is not an option. You’ll be damned if you ever have to harvest another snapdragon in your life.

Aspiration: World Famous Celebrity Career: Actor Traits: Self-Absorbed, Outgoing, Ambitious Appearance: Trendsetter. You keep up with all the latest trends and your outfits are always super chic and super in. Your goal is to impress the paparazzi with your savvy style.

Requirements:

Max Acting and Media Production skills

Live in Del Sol Valley

Have the highest or lowest Reputation (Pristine or Atrocious)

Become a Global Superstar (Rank 5 Celebrity)

Place your Celebrity Star on Starlight Boulevard and sign it.

Have a child become a Celebrity.

Generation Twelve : StrangerVille : Earth Tones

You grew up watching movies, thanks to your parents’ involvement in the film industry, and were especially fond of sci-fi thrillers. So when you heard about strange happenings going in on in a small town nearby, you couldn’t help but to head out there and check it out. You’re not sure what you were expecting when you got there, but it definitely wasn’t what you found... Have you bitten off more than you can chew?

Aspiration: StrangerVille Mystery Career: Military Traits: Paranoid, Active, Genius Appearance: Conspiracy Theorist. Aliens are real! You just know it! There’s something fishy going on here and you’re not about to get caught up in it. You don’t go anywhere without your tin foil hat, listening devices, and fancy gadgets. People in town think you dress weird, but hey, at least you’re well protected and noone nothing is probing your brain anytime soon.

Requirements:

Max Fitness, Programming, and Charisma skills

Live in Strangerville

Own a laptop

Purchase all gadgets from the Curio shop

Befriend and/or romantically pursue both a Scientist and Military personnel in order to extract top secret information about the town’s mystery

Solve the StrangerVille mystery!

(Because of the unique nature of this story-based gamepack, I’ve kept the requirements very short in order to not give away any part of the story for you. As long as you complete the StrangerVille Mystery Aspiration, you should get the most out of this pack!)

I worked super hard on this and I’m excited to share it with you! I hope y’all enjoy the challenge and get some good stories out of it :) Happy Simming! @duchesty

#the sims 4 #ts4 #ts4 legacy #the sims 4 legacy #sims 4 legacy #legacy challenge #sims4exp #sims 4 experiences #D

[thrandilf]

Plot Relevant Red Ch 5

Valerius was late for work in the first time in his administrative career, but every smooth thrust of Lucio inside him made it more and more difficult to care.

He sighed and occasionally moaned, the idea of missing work for a late morning bout of mischief made the whole thing even more arousing. Lucio was almost nonstop grinning, but Valerius was quick to pull him in for kiss after kiss every time Lucio threatened to speak. Lucio’s fangs grazed his tongue every few kisses, which Lucio turned into an excuse to kiss deeper. Valerius soaked in every touch and press of their bodies together, savoring how warm he was under the blankets. Their tongues languidly tangled together and Valerius ‘hmmmed’, hot and absorbed in sensation. It wasn’t a chase to an end, or a fit of passion as much as it was casually melding together into making love. When they finally finished, Valerius kept Lucio close. He rolled onto his side and brought Lucio in for a last kiss as they cuddled. “I think I must be at least two hours late.”

“How naughty of you.” Lucio beamed at him.

“Maybe a bit of trouble is fun to get into,” admitted Valerius, making no move to get up yet. He pulled enough overtime to warrant a bit of a break, although his morning wasn’t necessarily restful. A part of him was screaming that such a lack of punctuality was unforgivable- but also so wasn’t having to work past midnight? He stroked Lucio’s blond hair and sighed deeply, satisfied and calmed. It’d been a long time since he’d slept so late as to see bright sunlight streaming into a bedroom. “Can’t make a habit of it, though. I’m sure Nadia’s not happy with me. My staff probably thinks I’ve died.”

“You wanna tell them you have a sore throat?” Lucio wiggled his eyebrows and Valerius abruptly got out of bed with a snort. “Hey!”

“You’re the only one who’s going to be doing any sucking around here.”

“A vampire joke, very funny.” Valerius busied himself with getting dressed and ready for work, practicing an unapologetic look in the mirror for whoever pointed out his tardiness. Lucio got dressed in a puffy sleeved, low cut shirt and stood by the mirror to wash his face and tend to his makeup as Valerius braided his hair. It was startlingly domestic, having a lie in and then getting dressed side by side. Lucio grinned as he reapplied his eyeliner. “Do you like horseback riding? There’s a full moon in a couple days, a ride at sunset would be oh so romantic. You know how to ride?”

“I’d be disowned by now if I wasn’t at least somewhat educated in proper dressage.”

Lucio rolled his eyes. “Noble brat- so yes?”

Valerius tied a ribbon around the end of his braid. “It sounds lovely. I have a horse in the palace stables of my own.” It had been awhile since he’s ridden, but Valerius had no doubt he’d manage a pleasure ride out in the fields. He checked himself in the mirror again and made sure he looked perfectly composed. “I’ll arrange time for it.”

“I thought this morning would prove that you don’t have to arrange time for anything.” Lucio casually examined his eyeliner sharpness. “You’re late- no one’s dying or anything. You don’t have to sacrifice so much.”

“It’s a matter of pride. Responsibility.” Valerius huffed, his usual businesslike edge back in his voice. “We are not the same, Lucio. Don’t make me regret our morning together.”

Lucio frowned and gently took Valerius’s shoulder. Valerius was upset, he could tell. Their moments alone were when Valerius could let go, be someone without burdens or expectations. Lucio didn’t want anything to ruin that. “Hey. You worked something like 15 hours yesterday, maybe more for all I know. You were up late, exhausted, overwhelmed, and deserved a break. I let you sleep. I wanted you to get some rest and enjoy yourself. I know I’m irreverent, but not to you.”

Valerius sighed. He turned to Lucio and accepted a kiss. “Alright, I don’t regret it. I’m defensive about my station, is all.”

“I know.”

“Speaking of defensiveness- why can you see yourself in a mirror? Are you that weak of a vampire? How embarrassing.”

“Hey!” Lucio scowled at Valerius’s sly smirk. He scuffled his feet. “It’s not a real silver mirror. Shameful, I know.”

Valerius gave Lucio a fleeting kiss. “Practicality- I like this morsel of it.” He gave Lucio a firmer kiss, reassuring him despite his jabs and quips. “I’ll meet you in a couple days at sunset by the stables for our evening ride.”

Lucio gave him a fanged smile. “I’ll leave you in the dust.”

“Oh?” Valerius laughed. “We’ll see about that.”

Lucio had been right that Valerius’s late entrance to his office hadn’t yielded any more trouble than a few concerned employees and a slightly bigger stack of paperwork, nothing he couldn’t handle. Valerius poured himself a glass of wine to have with what had become lunch instead of breakfast with a sigh. Nothing would be able to convince him that fulfilling his duties were pointless, but his despair ran deeper. There was only so much he could do.

Vesuvia had an entire district flooded, a half broken economy, and no genuine public education system after it had sunk down in the flooded area. The previous Count’s death had left a vacuum, and Lucio had barely stabilized a sinking ship by having people like Valerius pail out as many problems as those that constantly filled in. Valerius drank straight from the wine bottle in his agitation, old problems and worries haunting him while he did all he could for the day to day issues of security and diplomacy. For God’s sake, their postal service only limped along as it did because his consulate stepped in to take over the department.

And none of the court did a thing about it. Nadia spent her days in her tower or library, busying herself with this or that but effectively locked out of power by Lucio. Every single courtier barely did anything. It was a messy process to revoke titles (as Valerius knew from studying it desperately and obsessively) and it seemed as though he’d be stuck with Valdemar, Volta, Vulgora, and Vlastomil for a long time. Their inefficiency was the root of Valerius’s problems. Food strangely disappeared. Murders went unsolved or even encouraged. The court system itself was an unjust wreck and Valerius had been tempted many times to simply snap Vlastomil’s neck himself like the stem of a wineglass for his incompetence.

As romantic as Lucio wanted to be, Valerius couldn’t separate his work life and love life. It was all his life. Valerius knew something had to change, and soon. He rubbed his forehead as a headache brewed inside his skull. Lucio had information and power. His heart couldn’t let Lucio hold out any longer- something had to give before Valerius snapped.

-~-

The orange rays of sunset lit up the palace gardens in a warm glow. Valerius had yet another horrible workday, but couldn’t wait to go riding. The evening was looking to be the most promising part of his entire week. He’d changed into riding gear and made his way to the stables, pleased to see his horse was already groomed and saddled. The seal brown horse had a beautiful black and brown tinted coat and a gentle disposition. Valerius approached where she was tethered and waiting by a mounting block and affectionately pet her nose, smiling as she turned her head to look at him. “Hello, Dolcetto. It’s been too long, hm?”

While Valerius knew his mare was properly cared for and exercised like all palace horses, he still wished he had more time to spend. He rubbed Dolcetto’s neck and smiled as she bumped her head against his shoulder. Perhaps the only thing everyone could agree on was that the palace would be a dreary place without all of their resident animals.

Mercedes and Melchior barked from behind Valerius and he turned to see Lucio and his dogs behind him. Mercedes wagged her tail and sniffed Dolcetto’s legs as the horse happily ignored her. Lucio stared at Valerius. “Pretty horse- and- uh.” Lucio swallowed hard. “How long have you had that outfit and never worn it?”

While Lucio was in his own version of dressed down in a loose layered tunic reminiscent of his mercenary days, Valerius was far more formal. He had his hair in a strict French braid trailing down his back. Valerius’s riding jacket was pure black with gold buttons and tailored to fit his frame tightly, along with a white dress shirt with only a respectable amount of shirt ruffle poking out of his jacket top, light breeches, knee high black boots, and black gloves. Valerius raised his eyebrows. “Oh, you like it? I don’t wear equestrian garments in my office.”

“Hhhhng. It’s. It’s really-“ Lucio swallowed, endearingly flustered. Melchior tugged on Lucio’s belt with an impatient yip as Lucio stared starstruck at Valerius. “You look good. God, add a riding crop to that look and I’d be on my knees, just for you.”

Valerius’s voice was smooth and smug. “Really? I’ll keep that in mind. Now, love-“ Valerius eyed Lucio up and down. He looked good. No sense in inflating Lucio’s ego. “How about you prove you have an ounce of proper posture and instruction, and I’ll see about smuggling a riding crop out of here.”

Lucio was still internally drooling too much to even listen enough to be offended. “Yes- yes you do that.” His eyes very clearly roved over Valerius’s backside and the outlined curve of his spine as Valerius checked his tack, as if Lucio hadn’t seen him undressed several times. “Mercedes and Melchior are coming with us- they love going for a run.”

“Aren’t you worried they could possibly take off?” Valerius had always wondered how such misbehaved dogs could manage to love Lucio so unconditionally. “Sighthounds can get carried away.”

“They’re my familiars!” Lucio grinned and Mercedes and Melchior obediently sat at his feet with their tongues out, tails thumping happily.

Valerius thought about pointing out that you had to possess magic in order to have a familiar, but reminded himself that he really didn’t know what Lucio could do. Vampires were technically magical, he supposed. “Alright, if you’re sure.” He pet Dolcetto’s ears and posed by her with a grin. “You better give us a good run, Lucio.”

Lucio jogged away to lead out his own horse. “Ha! Smell ya later!”

Valerius was still trying to reconcile himself with the fact that the subject of his desire said such low class phrases as he untied Dolcetto and mounted the horse easily. He took the reins in both hands and balanced himself in the saddle, a rare smile of delight on his face as he adjusted to the creature’s walking movement beneath him. He relaxed and kept his back straight, moving fluidly with his mount as they walked out of the stables and then waited for Lucio.

Lucio’s horse was exactly what Valerius expected. Lucio sat haughtily on a pure white stallion, comfortable in what was a heavily engraved bulky leather saddle, foreign to Valerius with a deep seat, a couple small canvas bags attacked to it, and a saddle horn that Lucio kept his armored hand close to, the reins lazily held in one hand on his thigh. Lucio came up beside him and gestured out to the rapidly dying sunset. “There’s a short trail through the forest to take before we get to the fields. Just figure you’d better know where we’re going cause you’re gonna get let behind.”

“By the looks of your poor posture and how desperately you cling to that atrocious saddle, you’ll fall off first.”

“Hey!” Lucio glared. “It’s far more functional than yours. Ever spent an entire day tracking down thieves and runaway war criminals in a country you’ve never even been? Didn’t think so.”

“I ride properly, and am closer to my horse.” It didn’t matter if Lucio had a point- Valerius loved to argue. “My saddle is lighter and less cumbersome. If you need to jump over anything you’ll probably jab that horn into your stomach. So we’ll see who’s the best rider.” As if to add to Valerius’s smugness about properness, Lucio’s stallion turned tried to nuzzle Dolcetto’s shoulder with a neigh. She laid her ears back and snorted, achieving such a witheringly disinterested look that the stallion turned away and walked forward again.

“She takes after you, by that display.” Lucio straightened up and pointed his heels down in his stirrups. Something came over him, as the young moonlight of early evening glowed on his white steed and blond hair, casting Lucio into an ethereal light. For once, Valerius could clearly see the proud bandit lord in the Count. It was beyond his usual grandstanding about his greatness in the palace halls- he radiated confidence and authority, eyes glistening with excitement for a hunt under the moon. Valerius found himself drawn to Lucio all over again, the vampire in his element under the starlit night sky.

Lucio grinned as Mercedes and Melchior barked and ran in front of them, already taking off to the forest. “I’ve ridden into battle and led hunts against creatures you can’t even imagine. I am the son of the greatest clan queen of the southern mountains!” Lucio urged his horse into a gallop with a war cry and Valerius followed, wind whistling in his ears as his eyes adjusted to the silver light.

Despite his teasing, Valerius had a grudging respect as he raced after Lucio. Lucio’s horse could definitely outrun his with sheer strength. Following the stallion and hounds was like chasing clouds across the pastures. Cool wind whipped at his braid and Valerius laughed, steadily catching up enough to keep them in sight but not being so reckless as to speed ahead. Mercedes and Melchior reached the forest first and wove into the underbrush. Lucio slowed to a brisk trot and Valerius followed, trusting his horse’s eyes better than his own. They breezed through the dim silhouettes of trees, occasionally ducking under low hanging branches.

The forest air was cool and refreshing, a stark difference to the lightly perfumed aura the gardens had. Valerius breathed deeply. No part of Vesuvia was any less gorgeous to him. The palace was splendid in its own right, but the untouched nature around it was just as much home. Riding out west would bring them to his ancestral estate, a vineyard nestled in with other farmlands in the country’s breadbasket. He longed for it somedays, but knew where his place was.

The forest broke into the open expanse of field at Vesuvia’s border and the dogs howled, bolting ahead at something only they could see. Lucio whooped and followed, his stallion flying over the wild grasses. Valerius lightly urged Dolcetto on and she was instantly galloping after Lucio. Valerius leaned toward into her easy canter and focused on her movement and following Lucio with a clearer mind than he’d had in months, stresses and headaches left far behind.

Mercedes and Melchior howled and both dogs converged on a spot within the high grasses. Lucio caught up and circled around the dogs as they snarled and attacked something Valerius couldn’t see. He followed Lucio in loosely surrounding the dogs, slowing down until they were just at a walk. Lucio grinned proudly and looked at Mercedes and Melchior, growling and standing over what Valerius could only see as a shapeless mound of fur. Mercedes and Melchior’s muzzles were drenched in blood. “Ah, raccoon.”

“How vile.” Valerius curled his lip at the bestial display of violence.

“I love animals, but don’t shed tears over that thing.” Lucio came to a full stop as he spoke. “If that raccoon had its way, it’d claw my dogs’ eyes out.” Mercedes and Melchior whimpered at the thought. Lucio looked around and guided his horse towards a small grove of trees. “Picnic time!”

Valerius followed Lucio and dismounted by the cluster of trees. He took the bridle bit out of Dolcetto’s mouth and tied her to a tree far enough away from Lucio’s horse that they couldn’t bother each other. Valerius affectionately patted her neck as Lucio tended to his horse and laid out a blanket for them to sit on. Dolcetto nuzzled Valerius’s stomach and then grazed calmly by their blanket. Valerius reclined on the blanket spread a small ways away from the tree and sighed, gazing up at the night sky. “It’s beautiful out here.” He propped himself up on his elbows and glanced at Lucio.

Lucio pet his horse’s ears and chuckled as his horse blew his hair all over his face. “Whatever, Excalibur. You love me.” Lucio patted his thigh and the dogs bounded up to him. “Watch our horses, okay? Good dogs!”

“Excalibur? Really?” Valerius was pleased as Lucio sat down beside him, close enough their thighs touched.

“Yes, duh! He’s a perfect majestic horse. Nothing less.” Mercedes and Melchior each sat near one of their mounts, ears perked up as they kept watch. Valerius had to admire Lucio’s bond to them. Lucio handed him a small bag with slices of fruit, meats, and cheese to nibble on. Valerius gratefully took a few bites and hummed with satisfaction, only mildly disappointed that he didn’t have a wine to pair with them. Lucio held Valerius’s waist with his human arm when he was done eating. “Indulge me?”

“My favorite pastime.” Valerius turned his body and rested his hand on Lucio’s cheek, bringing him in for a gentle kiss. Their lips melted together and Lucio didn’t move back, continuing to softly press against Valerius and hold him close. Lucio broke the kissing after a few minutes, the two warm and breathing with passion, the cool night refreshing them instantly. “Lucio.”

“Hm?”

Valerius stroked Lucio’s hair and sat up, facing Lucio. He had a feeling Lucio already knew the questions that burned in his mind. Lucio didn’t blurt out his secrets, so Valerius sighed. “You know I need information. I know this has spiraled far from being a casual affair, but I am the Consul and head of the court as much as I am your lover.”

“I know.” Lucio sighed, also leaning back to bask in the moonlight. “I’ll answer what I can. It wasn’t safe to try explaining anything at the palace.”

Valerius tried to come up with a question good enough to break into the dam of uncertainty and problems he had. Only one was good enough. “What the fuck?”

Lucio laughed, genuinely amused and threw back his head. Valerius’s own mouth twitched into a smile as he realized he very much liked seeing himself let down all his guard. Lucio laid back on his human hand to look up at the moon. “I don’t know everything, you have to believe me. What I can tell you, though, is that none of the other courtiers are human. I’m the most human of the lot, while whatever Valdemar is is too horrifying to speak of.”

“Why are they allowed to serve?! We should-“

Lucio cut him off. “Vlastomil was the first one I ever met. I didn’t know what human shape he’d take, or that I’d be stuck with the idiot for the foreseeable future. He’s a demon of pestilence, and believe me, I’d kill him if I could.” Lucio made a disgusted face. “My people paid tribute to local demons. We feared and revered them. I don’t think anyone actually used the word demon. Spirit, small god, a hunter or perhaps a guardian- doesn’t matter. I asked him for help, and now I’m stuck with him. There’s no way to get out of having these people around us unless I die or someone powerful beyond human capabilities takes them out. I’m sorry.”

Valerius let it soak in. “Volta? Vulgora?”

“Demons too. I don’t think they’ve always been. They must’ve been human once.” Lucio frowned. “Volta is the youngest I think. She isn’t very threatening, but there’s not too much point to killing her.”

Valerius didn’t think he was up to dealing with demons. He scowled, hating the idea he’d still be helpless in all this. “And you?”

“I’m like a vampire, but I wasn’t bit and turned by one.” Lucio made a face. “It’s why sunlight isn’t a death sentence, and why I need so little blood and can pass for human. Silver is the only real problem I have. I’ve made some sketchy choices, and this is what happened to me.”

“No chance of you elaborating?”

Lucio sighed again. “Beings of power offered me deals, and none of them were ever for free. Bits of me were taken away, things I didn’t even notice at the time. Everything will work out- I know it will, but I can’t alter my course. I literally can’t.”

Valerius glared at Lucio and Lucio flinched back. “How do you KNOW everything will be fine? What the hell are you thinking?! Our country is a mess! Did a witch tell you their cards fell to your favor so you’re wandering about doing nothing but let our people suffer?!”

Lucio scowled. “Shut up. You don’t want to get tangled in this. You really don’t. I’m only telling you so you get why I need you to stay out of it!”

“What about Nadia?”

Lucio’s face darkened. “What about her?”

“I need her. You do too, if you’re being honest.”

“No. She’ll-“

Valerius interrupted, passion overtaking his voice. “What are you scared of, success? Nadia is the best of us! She could rule far more efficiently than even I ever could! Nadia could have our people prospering. This city could look how it used to!”

“She’ll overthrow me!” Lucio snarled. Despair crossed his face and he narrowed his eyes. “I am as much your lover as I am your Count, citizen Valerius. Don’t you fucking forget it!”

Valerius recoiled at the threat but stood his ground. “She is Countess! She has the same right and power as you by your marriage to her! Both of you have to work, together. I am not suggesting treason, My Most Highest Lord~” he mocked with a sneer. “Nadia could help. I need her to help! Dysfunction is the reason why I pull the hours I do! If I can’t do anything about my fellow courtiers, than at least I can appeal to who CAN help me! I don’t give a damn about your pride!”

“Wow, you’d let a foreigner marry onto the Count’s seat and just take it, huh? I earned my place!”

“You married her! You married her for an advantage you wont even use?!” shouted Valerius.

Lucio looked like he still wanted to argue but backed down. “Alright. Perhaps I can delegate to her. Help out with the smaller things.” Lucio shook his head. “But that’s it. She’d take Vesuvia from me, and I’d have no way to hold onto what power I have over the court. I can’t let that happen.”

Valerius inwardly seethed. Nadia would be a better ruler, he knew it. She’d do everything he needed, secure their nation for good. He mentally rehearsed a delightfully simple plot to overthrow Lucio and escort Nadia to her solo role as Countess with Valerius as her right hand, but he stopped in the middle of it.

Valerius had never wanted anyone like he wanted Lucio. Their time together, the bond they so comfortably fit into, a possible future fiancé his parents couldn’t refuse to see the benefits of- all irreplaceable factors. There was no better place for him than with the Count in his arms. It was one thing Valerius’s newly smitten heart and forever ambitious mind agreed on. He pushed thoughts of (justifiable) treason out of his mind and kissed Lucio instead. Lucio relaxed into it, thinking Valerius was satisfied. It was a rough compromise. Valerius didn’t like anything he’d heard except that Lucio had no chance of accidentally turning him into a vampire. “Alright,” he murmured, looking into Lucio’s eyes. “Thank you. I appreciate what I’ve gained. Nadia will not supersede either of us.”

Lucio nodded. He stroked Valerius’s face and gave him an uncharacteristically chaste kiss. “Alright, you got to get all personal with me. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Can’t a guy be curious? Our backgrounds couldn’t have been more different, unless you’re gonna reveal that you’ve been a secret master forager and hunter all this time.”

Valerius smiled. The change of subject was somewhat forced, but he understood the cue to move on. He didn’t want to spoil anything they had, and he had to admit he was coming out of their argument with more than he lost. “True. Like I said before, I was born into nobility. All of my family is somewhere somewhat prominent and successful. I have a brother working as a history professor and curator of artifacts in Prakra, cousins involved in trade with Nevivon, and a sister managing the home estate and vineyard. My parents are wealthy and retired from office- one paints, one tends to travel.

“My childhood is mostly a blur of lessons. My education was the only thing that mattered. Cuisine, etiquette, music theory, history, art, language, business management, law, and equestrian lessons were all I did. I had private tutors and studied every day unless I was sick.”

“Geez, you didn’t even have a childhood.”

Valerius shrugged. He’d never thought about what being a child was supposed to be like. “I succeeded, as is what’s expected of me. It’s hardly a punishment to have fine food every day and horses to ride any time I wanted.”

“But before you met me you never just did your own thing? Like I’m exhausted imagining having someone try to tell me things like, every day.” Valerius bit back the comment that many people tried to do just that and Lucio rarely listened. Lucio stared into the sky. “If my knees weren’t covered in grass stains or my clothes dirty and soaked from playing in the snow, then it was a waste of a day. Being taught anything indoors was horrible.”

“I was an introverted child. My free time was mainly spent reading.”

Lucio chuckled. “You’re cute when you read! You look like you’re plotting someone’s murder while smirking about it.” Valerius chuffed with amusement. He brought Lucio in for a kiss and savored their moonlit embrace. Lucio gave Valerius a sultry look when he pulled away, eyes hooded as he licked his lips. “Now, this is your chance to see if you really object to having passionate-“

“For the LAST time, I refuse to copulate outside!” exclaimed Valerius as Lucio howled with laughter. They might’ve stayed longer if Excalibur hadn’t decided that Lucio’s hair looked delicious and tried to graze his head, turning Lucio’s laughter into a dismayed shriek.

The ride back home was more subdued than the exhilarating race to the wilderness. Mercedes and Melchior trotted ahead but acted more as guides than hunters. With the slower pace, Lucio’s stallion Excalibur was fully aware that he was being followed by a mare and pranced and posed in front of Valerius, bouncing Lucio ridiculously up and down in his seat and weaving around, to Valerius’s delight.

“Really?” Lucio made no real effort to rein Excalibur in and turned to face Valerius, his supernatural eyes fully able to see Valerius’s smug expression in the dark. “Your mare is a bad influence.”

Excalibur tossed his head with a whinny and Valerius kept grinning. “He takes after you.”

-~-

Valerius was thoroughly tired by the time their horses were safely housed back in the stables (with a few loud protests from Excalibur) and gratefully sank into a warm bath back at the palace. Lucio, for all his usual flirtations, insisted Valerius bathe alone. He suspected Lucio didn’t enjoy baths with his prosthetic, or was too embarrassed to take it off.

He closed his eyes and leaned against the edge of the bath, thoughts swirling in his head as the mineral salts in the water soaked into him pleasantly. Progress was progress, no matter how small. The knowledge Lucio had given him had to help. He hazily opened his eyes and frowned at a spot on the bright walls of the bath that he knew didn’t belong. Valerius rubbed his eyes and groaned at the sight of a bug crawling on the wall. He blearily stood up and realized it was some kind of exotic, large red beetle. It crawled out the open window and Valerius latched it shut without a second thought.

#the arcana #the arcane game #count lucio #valerius #consul valerius #fanfic #valucio #lucio/valerius #my writing #long post #my readmore better work #also available on ao3!!!!

[ratherhavetheblues]

CLAIRE DENIS’ HIGH LIFE “It’s called a taboo…”

© 2019 by James Clark

     Although this film, from 2018, proceeds with an English lexicon, it is most important to comprehend the French title. Une Vie en Hauteur, translates as, “a haughty, superior, arrogant approach toward others.” What sort of intransigence could be in play within our film today? There is, as we all know at some level, a distemper underway between amateurs of reality and those professionals regarding the former as having failed to digest the ultimacies already in full flower, namely, religion, humanitarianism and science. (All of which, seemingly, despite little tiffs, well embarking unconditionally all three of them at once.) With her film, High Life, filmmaker, Claire Denis, has squarely ventured into that latter buttress, science, whereby she stands (in many eyes) to be embarrassed by the “hauteur” of her betters. Moreover, let’s not kid ourselves that such “ladies” pastimes will be merely met with droll tolerance.

Our helmswoman here does have up her sleeve the resources of a guy who posthumously maintains a filmic action as far from “ladies concerns” as you can get, namely, Ingmar Bergman, an avatar of very high problematic. She has deployed for our considerations a film which, on the surface, has nothing to do with science, namely, The Seventh Seal (1957)—a biblical concomitant which leaves room for heresy during 12th century Sweden, bristling with witch-burning, flagellation and a far-reaching plague. A couple, Jof and Marie, itinerant circus entertainers, choose to be not fans of the regional leadership (just back from a crusade), who obsesses about living forever, by somewhat odd but actually usual means. The couple—but Jof definitely in the lead—see in their infant son a budding acrobatic genius and juggler the likes of which the world has never seen. Those latter gifts will reappear in our matter before us, in a scenario millennials’ into the future, whereby the march of (bored?) science has dreamed up travel far beyond the Solar System to transport death-row killers into the range of the nearest black hole, and others’ beyond, in hopes of some miracle. During this time-bending amazement, one protagonist, Monte, the highest flyer, another Jof, but very different, what with the bloody Jacobean melodrama blazing, encounters another such craft from that site of inspiration, but this time with a crew of dogs.

The first scenes appear to be far remote from a saga reeling from “hauteur,” let alone outer space. We begin with a lush and sunny vegetable garden sparked with reverberant musical undergrowth. Gentle mist brings about an ambience of decidedly earthy locale. Then a rather jarring note—a muddy pit and a ladder looking down. A baby cries, and we’re soon taken to an office where the child stands up in an improvised playpen, watching two screens featuring American Indians. The baby babbles happily, and, as if a cue, we cut to an astronaut, repairing something on the surface of the gray craft, while being connected by radio to the office. He smiles on hearing the happy child. “Da-da,” she calls. “Dada,” it is.

Then down to business. The show that day on the screens is short on baby talk. On the monitor at the left, there is, in silhouette, an aboriginal warrior on his horse (filmed in black and white). The peculiar headpiece resembles a bird of prey, or also a wolf’s head. (The world of wolves being germane in Bergman’s eyes, particularly in the film, Hour of the Wolf [1968].) On the monitor at right, we have a dying brave with, if not an atomic bomb, a lot of smoke pouring upward. The baby smiles. When the screen becomes a sunburst void, the young viewer begins to cry. The dad tries, “Shhh,” as a fix. She screams, and the enhanced communication factor causes a fright which results in the tool he was using to fly into the primal darkness. On his way in, we see a close-up of Monte’s mouth along with two cold spotlights in the surround. (Inherent cold?) Also, we see him wearing a set of underclothes which might have been used in the 12th century. Just before that entry, the repairman repairs to a reverie of circular stones and hardened mud in semi-darkness. Amidst that apparition was a small tooth-like, white object. Then the imagery attends to sharpened focus, and an arm with a bloody hand holding a bloody rock, which promptly relinquishes its burden into the void, to be followed by the arm lifting upward and quickly disappearing (perhaps elicited by the baby’s howl startling him to drop his wrench into infinity). Hour of the Wolf includes its protagonist fracturing the skull of a bothersome child by a similar action. And Monte, as later seen in flashback within that first flashback, had been on death row due to crushing the head of a young girl with the rock seen in that vision. Her annoyance to Monte involved noticing the mutilated and drowned dog of his he’d savaged, where we were able to see our-dad-of-the-hour displaying the full jacket from the avant-garde glimpse of sleeve.

When finally stifling for the time being that horror, the reformed travelling killer proves to be not so shabby a single parent. By way of the ladder, he accesses the garden, chooses a legume and promptly and gently provides a healthy pablum. After that, seated on the kitchen floor, he bathes the girl with skill, affection and patience. They play awhile with a red devil sort of doll. (Later, he withstands the girl’s loud and long crying jag.) But his loving solicitude does have a veer. With attention to emotive care, he delivers a sort of eccentric Ted Talk. “Don’t eat your own shit… Don’t drink your own piss… Don’t swallow horseshit… It’s called a taboo, tooo…booo… If my old man could see me now… Brake the laws of nature… You’ll pay for it, you son of a bitch!” After hours of deafening screaming, Monte complains to his only listener. “So many tears from such a tiny little body…Please, it’s gonna kill me…” It stops. The baby pulls at the skin on his arm. “Look at that,” he says. Monte sits by the bed, beholding a miracle. After she falls asleep, he says, “You don’t drown them like a dog… It’d be so easy… That’d be a first, and then me.” This sequence ends with him and her at the garden. She feeds him a strawberry, and he’s all smiles. At the ladder, he holds her and encourages her to climb up. “Up, up…”

   “Don’t eat your own shit,” would be a strange but potent gambit as to disinterestedness. The avatars of advantage—and they number by the billions—can’t get enough of dubious golden oldies. Denis pivots at this point, whereby the action up till now constitutes the newest stage while flashback to the preboarding and then subsequent earlier vignettes march apace. Why? We need to see, by way of the history of this flight, how bad and how good things go under the aegis of a hard and dominant sell. Though the film finds Monte trying not to eat shit by challenging a lead pipe punk, namely, Boyse, for carving with a hard and sharp weapon a graffiti into a wall at the medical zone, we encounter her first a bit out of order (very appropriate for her) as an insert showing particulars before she’s arrested. Boyse, we’ll tell you now, is the baby’s mom, induced by the medic, Doctor Dibs, the Pedant of Pregnancy, who has recruited, all the guys but Monte, to a daily regime of masturbation for the sake of in vitro fertilization—the payoff being a mild drug. Her one and only success being with stand-off, Monte, as we’ll describe in the order of the flashback.

Whereas Boyse, as you’ll see, is almost totally feral and destructive during her stint in the sky, there is a brief but searing episode involving her on land, which leaves you enchanted. Like a great acrobat, she gracefully and powerfully uses the instances of the boxcar to reach the roof—in this rooftop position being kin to Monte. Moreover, the travellin’ kids resemble, somewhat, Jof and Marie, in their caravan. (A third rider, at another place on the train, puts up his middle finger and smiles in a rather shy manner to no one in particular; but to everyone in fact.) As night takes over, she leans back in a shallow container and relishes the currents from the plunge of the iron horse, and the darkness. She and her cohort sleep closely and on cardboard. Almost as gritty as old-time coal miners, it is the grottiness on their exposed calves that both repels and endears them to us. One more noteworthy, earlier moment on terra firma, consists of her stretching out here hand, to feel the ripple of prevailing wind as the train races on. In doing so, she’s surprisingly at work on her education, an education you won’t find in college because the jailers there have a very big gun (named, classical rational thought) trained on students and faculty alike. We saw that same laconic gesture with the protagonist of Denis,’ White Material (2009), wherein she was having too much adventurous—actually, suicidal—fun  to heed the classical rational chopper screaming at her to get the hell up and out of a nasty civil war.

   Back to the dust-up at the hospital/ lab, Boyse rips a long wound along Monte’s arm, for his interfering in her showing how little she respects the doctor. (Bergman had a long history of portraying medics as not up to the intimacies of sensibility.) While being patched up by Dr. Dibs (that term denoting Straight A’s as far as it goes), the patient, rather surprisingly, sees fit to explicitly mention that he sees value in her range of interests. (Though he comes across as an inflected born-again Aquarian, he does have a whack of pedantry. Will it cripple, over [bloated] time here, his scatological commitment to disinterestedness? [Back to the time of the baby, we see him earnestly posting reports—for instance, how he removed and replaced the defective piece of surface—while such messaging had been defeated by the light-years’ gap. On the other hand, he brags, “I never caved in” [to the sleep-killing noise]. And then the baby’s strawberry gift to Monte; and Boyce’s strawberry hair and complexion, once scrubbed up. Bergman’s, Wild Strawberries [1957] being a parable of pristine recovery. The numeral “7,” placed on the craft and on all the uniforms, perhaps refers to the release date, 1957, of both The Seventh Seal and Wild Strawberries. The signage, “9,” on the dog craft, might refer to Bergman’s, The Passion of Anna, 1959, where the protagonist is a killer of farm animals. Denis often joins Jim Jarmusch’s umbrage [not to mention’s that of Kelly Reichardt] toward those abusing entities far more consistently and effectively balanced than humans. Monte’s history of killing his dog, not to mention killing his neighbor, would be perhaps a factor not completely resolved.)

We already have a lot of cards on the table, here; but a direction to thrill us is nowhere to be seen. Or, rather, I’ve found it advisable until now, that the soundtrack and playlist be stilled, the better to orient the viscosity and traction struggling to make headway. Denis’ musical force, “Tindersticks” (having already almost stolen the show in her film, 35 Shots of Rum [2009]), endeavor, by reverberant and seductive aural thrust, to further illuminate the mastery of eschewing one’s own shit. Much startling pain and confusion are right around the corner. But it is the measure of thrust (acrobatics) we must especially ponder.

We could describe the crisis woven for us to be the limits of control. As it happens, Jim Jarmusch put out, in 2009, a film, called, The Limits of Control, including actress, Tilda Swinton, tall, thin and blonde, who comes to an unpleasant end. Another of the killers onboard here, rather alike Tilda (but with a prominent scar the length of her right cheek), confronts Dibs, “Why do you keep taking this sperm?” Her stressed response is, “The odds are not in our favor. But when my work of perfection is achieved…” That unwelcome question drives the perfectionist to another dimension of bounty, situated by the stairs close to the earthy garden, namely, that presiding lunge of emotive delight, known as the fuckbox, a small but powerful rollercoaster to help survive the stupid fuckers who stuck them there. Joining Dibs nearer to what really matters to her, when freed of taboos, and with the band of the day attending to reverb and real invention, she, along with means of intervention, joins those dance rebels (writhing acrobats) like Loie Fuller, Isadora Duncan, Josephine Baker and Martha Graham. (The Bergman film—and right here I’d like to declare how many viewers were wrong about it being a flop, namely, The Serpent’s Egg [1977], features such a dance innovation.) On ending her gig, she immediately bumps into Monte headed to the garden. “I know I look like a witch,” she says. Her handsome outreach (juggling) is met by Monte’s pedantry, “That doesn’t seem to do you much good.” Her retort, “Better than you think,” does, at least leave room for imperfection. Monte, overly proud to tell himself and her, “I kept my fluids to myself,” continues, “So humiliating… You need to wipe your nose.” He rubs her upper lip. An odd register between a boss and an underling, however the miasma may run. But not an odd register between spouses. (Boyse will, later on, have the nerve to pull from her that Dibs had wiped out her whole family. But her credentials gave her a measure of gravitas.) The one sworn to saves lives argues, “You all come to look at me at night.” He counters, “You’re foxy and you know it. I just can’t understand your mission… I still believe in the mission. However, he can conclude, “It’s just a new religion for you.” And she can swing back to, “Because I’m totally devoted to reproduction.” She leaves him with, “Happy Monk, going to sew your fields.”

   The slipping and sliding of that twosome on the go, close to the speed of sound, have, going forward, neither the luxury nor the talent to polish their genius. On their voyage to short love and long death, they become immersed with disease and murderous hate. But their far from insignificant efforts lift this crash to something sublime. Boyce, swamped by her refusal to recognize limits of control involving a paradoxical agency, peels away from the center of the action, to be briefly superseded by the leukemia of a man beset by the lurking of radiation. Having a glimpse of her at her level best, we’re not astonished that Dibs has a heart. Her empathy strikingly conveys cinematically by the superimposing over her face of the cancer cells from a scan. So engaged is she by soothing the pain in gently touching him, the dying man kisses Dibs and she responds in kind. In contrast, there is Monte, with light years away from wisdom, crudely insisting, “I have good genes.” He adds, “Stink, the usual stench. It gets me hard…” Dismissing such trash, she assures the victim she’ll dull his pain. “There is nothing to fear, I promise…” He responds, “Everything’s gonna’ be fine…” On the heels of that real confluence, she unfortunately declares, “No one to help me, as I’m helping you… No one to put me out of my misery… I’m alone with my guilt…” The man closest to death tries to say something. She puts her ear to his mouth. She inserts the poison, and she mourns the disappearance, more profound than a black hole.

Also getting him hard in this moment is a frail young Brit with a triangular tattoo on his neck and another one on his arm. He’s no Stephen Hawking (that celebrated black-hole-mathematically-sharp-gazer); but there is something about his irreverence and appetite for the flashy—following up Dibs at the earthquake room, and addressing her as, “Fucking cock block” –which is bound to be spectacular, if not tremendously substantive. In the wake of the long death throes, he wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers that he craves more dark stories. He comes to a three-woman bedroom and decides to rape Boyse. The ensuant disarray involves the tall skeptic wedded to the limits of control trying to help a figure who knows another field of dynamics. The former gets dragged out to the corridor and beaten senseless. Monte arrives and subdues the rapist; and while his attention is elsewhere in the chaos another woman with a knife stabs the troublemaker many fatal times, including ripping out his eyes.

Earlier on, there is a dip to our planet where a celebrity pundit conducts an interview with a Millennial journalist, around Boyse’s age. They’re sitting in First Class, and the subject is the flight and what a shame the physicists are on the wrong track to rehabilitate criminals. He’s particularly miffed that the space riders on the rapid move, with a vehicle resembling a ghetto Walmart, will never return to Earth. Dibs, though sleeping through the little war, is on the hook to elevate the tone she actually knows quite a bit about. (If she felt like it, she’d have pondered the syntheses flashing on the two triangular tattoos, and the triad of lights at the craft’s rear end.)  Beyond lockdowns she knows she needs some magic, being a witch, a bit more stable than the witch in The Seventh Seal, who, nevertheless, does better than the pundit. Sometime, perhaps prodigious speed-of-light later, she tip-toes to Monte’s bed and sort of rapes him. While he sleeps through the invasion, she pledges her love to him. She kisses his hand; she sucks his finger; she opens her blouse. “Will you hold me?” she whispers. “Why don’t you take me in your arms? I close my eyes. I hold you… Hold me…” She mounts him. “Feel me, Monte.” Astride, and a moment of far-sighted love, she kisses him. “Monte, thank you!” She carries the semen to the lab, places it in a vial, comes to Boyse’s bed, kisses her belly and introduces the semen. This singularity elicits a blaze of a galaxy tinted with pink hues.

   Soon after the violent targeting of Boyse, and quite a while before she’s pregnant, she’s with Dibs at the clinic. The witch remarks, “Not so easy to get inside you as you think…” Boyse, rather surprisingly, laments, “I’ll never have kids. I’m sure of it.” (That happens to be the same remark by Eve, a flakey and promiscuous wife, in Bergman’s film, Shame [1968].) The hardened cynic asks for confirmation that the controller killed her youngster. “With a knife!” is the answer. Countering her dismay, she moisturizes her hands and braids her remarkably long hair. Soon after Boyse, with a baby in an incubator and pouring out milk, there comes to her a storm of resentment concerning a looming loss of wildness. (Not so easy to get inside the you.) Dibs’ delight in this coup (Monte not yet up to speed) coincides with a close encounter of the first of many planned and completely daft “experiments” –perhaps a Trump-like administration in play—with a neighborhood of comic-based thrills. The skeptical blonde had been tagged to take one for the team, but Boyse, thinking that her best move would be a comic book finale, kills the intended and goes on to kill herself with a black entity demanding grown-up reflection.

There is a cordial black (perhaps a one-time traitor of “intelligence”) who shares the work of gardening, and who misses his gospel-based wife. His quirky will to die coincides with the outset of Monte’s tenure of parenting. Dibs, our protagonist’s not-quite-to-roll-on as a Marie to Monte’s Jof, due to her being assassinated by one of her many enemies, and according by him a dignified funeral in slow-motion upon the heavens, may have lost a new outlook on life. But Monte, that lucky stiff, shows us a possibility and a failed possibility of some measure. (As seen before the long, long flashback, there was now visibility about his visit to the multiplex’s morgue [with a complement awaiting a miracle], suiting them out and flushing them out to graces of dynamics they hardly knew. One other thing, he descends to a tantrum concerning the phenomenon of death there. Looks like overcoming eating your own shit is still a work in progress.)

As we begin to put an end to that early odd story, the witch’s singularity has overshot that noisy baby girl. (One moment back there, shows Monte opening the incubator door. He holds the baby and he smiles.) She’s an adolescent now, and the delight with the baby has been overrun by bothersome questions—a bothersome girl about that age having once been murdered by him. Monte’s first annoyance onscreen is that she insists upon sleeping with him. “Get outta here…Too heavy now…Go back to your own bunk… Crazy girl!” In her bunk she calls out, “Too far…”

Facing the day, we are struck by the shabbiness of their clothes and the craft’s interior. Will to live is on the line. The baby’s name is Willow. Their dilemma is extraordinary, but not unprecedented. How to go forward in what certainly appears to be a dead-end. (Boyse and her friends on the freight were about that.) Monte has become subdued; but he does now instinctively describe an acrobatic move with his hands. The ship is an eyesore, but in addition to its long history of essential emptiness, it continues to maintain three lights in triangular form. The Hawking departure went nowhere. But the magic of true dialectic was there for the asking. Willow is of a mind to say, “Looks like out.” The visit from “9” (perhaps, as mentioned, regarding Bergman’s film, The Passion of Anna [1969], where the title figure comes to light as a maniacal killer of farm animals) is probably unhelpful regarding their being between a rock and a hard place. (Moreover, there is the virtual date of 1959 for the Bergman film, The Magician, where a wizard is not.) But, then, beasts are not to be overlooked. Then there is the notice, on a dysfunctional apparatus, announcing, “Communication Error.” This barrier somehow drives Willow to realize, “We don’t need help.”

   In the brush with the dogs, Monte covers her eyes, guessing more slaughter to come. Its turning out to be merely sad sends her reverting to childishness. “I want a dog so bad!”  She calls him cruel for worrying about an epidemic, a plague. “What do you know about cruelty?” he snaps. (The plague being probably everywhere.) He retreats to the garden and washes up. She tells him, “You’re right, dad. I’m sorry. I have everything I need here…” (That couldn’t be right, could it?) The soundtrack rings out a far-reaching possibility. The undirected screen comes back to life, and delivers a Half-Time American Football marching band (perhaps not so far-reaching). He notices her in the disposition of praying. “What God are you praying to?” She explains, “I saw them on the random images from Earth. I just wanted to know how it feels. An event onscreen shoes the ancient blue and white Swedish flag, from the era of Jof and Marie. They have a view of another black hole.” “It’s like a mouth that just swallows up,” he says. “Too big.” she agrees. But she comes back with, “We should try it. To feel it” [Boyse felt it]. Monte’s hair is now pepper and salt. He quietly chides, “Thought we were supposed to be drifters.” (That couldn’t be right, could it?) She persists, “But it’s so big… I think the density is very low.” He shakes his head. “I believe it,” she concludes. Now they’re at the entry zone, setting up a two-seater, like the one Boyse commandeered. Something possesses her to add, “I’m sad you’d leave your data, even your prisoner list” [pedantry being a hard disease to beat]. In quite a mood swing, resembling her mother, she declares, “I’ll be destroyed by the fire wall of the black hole, anyway!” Now en route, she over activating the ways of acrobatics, she reports, “Here’s the fire wall. I know it. We’ll make it through.” From here to there, she turns to the super-quixotic: “Do I look like my mother?” [quite a question]. Since she clearly looks more like Monte [or Dibs] than Boyse, his answers, as to her mother’s features, are all no’s. He tells her she has rodent teeth… a little rat… But he grants her, “You’re special. You’re like no one else. I love that.” Their little ship has only two lights. The magic did not prevail. But there was some golden to love.

We then see a rapid re-spooling of scenes of defeat: the aboriginals; the garden; #7… With an oxygen level of appalment, the drama takes over, asking why did they shut down? True, there were mountains (as per Monte) to manage. But the second necessity, juggling, was hardly considered in this rocketing blaze of being a soloist, first and foremost.

This film’s underwhelming optics plays into that aberration. But its aural life brims with reverberance, a ripple of energy, wherein juggling comes to life, and that careless term, “the heavens,” comes onboard. Denis’ association with the British band, Tindersticks, has carried us to new frontiers of mood; and mood, whether acknowledged or not is pretty much everything. Sonic acrobatic initiatives and their juggling responsiveness-in-appreciation installs a work and play space to challenge the suicidal outcome in High Life. Were the last two standing fully aware of that dance of life, the radical confinement could have sustained duets and solos-not-so-definitively-solo.

Willow

Willow, where are you hiding now?

Willow, where are you hiding now?

In the dappled light, deep in the trees

The spiders and the centipedes

Crawl across your hands, across your knees.

Willow, do you walk across the sand?

Willow, do the waves crash and fall?

And their fingers tickle at your feet

And pull a little as they retreat.

Do you feel the rushing forward?

Though you’re standing still?

Willow, are we rushing forward, are we standing still?

Willow, are we rushing forward, are we standing still?

Willow, do you crouch among the rooftops?

Willow, do you listen to the city wheezing?

And your dreams, they stretch beyond the clouds

And past…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOHFktF5E1o

#claire denis

[foodfeelingsfreedom]

Why I’m Not Trying To Lose Weight For My Wedding

This past year, I got engaged. As a result, some days I find myself knee-deep in wedding planning sites and paying extra attention to what others are posting about their weddings on social media. What I’ve noticed breaks my heart. I keep seeing posts about people who feel devastated about how they looked in their wedding photos, their journey to lose weight for a certain event, or before-and-after photos with stories of how unhappy they were “before.” To make matters worse, my feed and inbox are often flooded with tips on “shredding for the wedding” or a pre-wedding weight loss boot camp. Unsubscribe.

We unfortunately live in a society where the desire to be thin overrides the desire to be happy. So many people spend countless hours hating their current body and obsessing over fitting into a certain size, as if their worth on their wedding day can be defined by an arbitrary number.

When I think about how I want to feel while I’m planning my wedding, I want to feel happy, excited, in love, and only slightly stressed about the color of the bridesmaids’ bouquets. What’s not on my list: feeling deprived, overexerted, or using all of my energy hating my body.

I know what you’re about to say—“But I just want to be healthy!” Health has many aspects including social, spiritual, physical, and emotional health. Feeling uncomfortable and hating your body certainly contributes to poor emotional health; however, losing weight will not fix that. If you have a goal of listening to your mind and body, and eating and moving in ways that feel good—great! But leave weight loss out of it.

This is the body I have now. This is the body that allows me to try new food with friends, is intimate with my fiancé, goes on walks with my dog, types this blog post, dances and does yoga, and hugs the people I care about. This is the body I have now, and I love every piece of it. So does my fiancé.

When it comes down to it, the only thing my fiancé cares about on our wedding day is 1. That I'm there and 2. That I'm happy, in love, and smiling. If I'm at my current weight or a different one (whether lower or higher), it won't change the way we feel about each other.

Learning to unconditionally accept and love yourself at every point of your journey will drastically change the way you feel.

I know, I know, it’s way easier said than done and likely will not happen overnight but here are some ways to start:

You are worth more than a number on a scale or the size of a pair of jeans. Stop measuring things that don’t matter.

Instead, start measuring how happy you are, how many people are in your life, how many songs you listened to, how many things you’re doing that truly bring you joy. Try focusing on feeling good, and watch how you things return to a natural balance.

Focus on what you’re grateful for. If you were to write a thank you letter to your body, what would it say?

When I feel frustrated about my weight, I remind myself that I’m grateful for any weight on my body because it means that I have always had enough to eat. I am grateful for my body because it houses my mind, spirit, soul, and heart, without which I could not function. I am thankful for my hands because they allow me to write, to create, to build, and to love. My body does so many incredible things for me day after day, and I regret that I spent so much time and energy hating it in the past.

Stop waiting until you reach a goal to start appreciating and enjoying your body.

Life doesn’t wait for a goal weight—it’s happening right here, right now, every second of every day. Would you rather spend that time loving yourself or hating yourself? Go with love. It’s okay to have health goals and work towards them—as long as it’s furthering your happiness rather than preventing it.

Don’t compare yourself to anyone but yourself.

Everyone is unique and has different strengths and goals—focus on your own and let that guide you. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, all that matters is that you are doing what is best for your emotional and physical health.

Instead of focusing on a weight or clothing size goal—focus on trying to enjoy the present moment and doing things that make you happy, and things will naturally start to shift.

Originally published on National Eating Disorders Association's blog

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

because I really haven't taken a survey in years - I miss MySpace bulletin board or whatever, lmao.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
• I'm not sure, honestly. I was in a severely abusive relationship for well over 4 years, ending in January when he was incarcerated for brutally beating me, raping me, & attacking me, all with our two children present. Our 5 year anniversary would be in a few days, the 28th. 😐 Truthfully, I don't know if I'm stronger, but I definitely know that I'll never tolerate anything like that again. Never. 2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
• being abused over & over again, physically, emotionally, sexually. All in front of my children. I feel pathetic, weak, & disgusted with myself to have kept taking him back.. 3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
• uh, well. I don't know. I feel trapped in the house I live in with my parents & 2 kids, but that's because of what Luis did to me in my very bedroom - on my bed - and in my kitchen + living room. I feel HAPPIEST at the park or library with the kiddos. Or outside in general. 4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
• outside with my kids, walking up the dirt driveway. 🌞 5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
• my kids' father. He's made me the MESS I am today.. 6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
• I can't just name one thing. I hate my mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, & ADHD), dealing with constant migraines, the fact that I don't have a car, & the way I'm constantly beating myself up about everything. 7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
• hmm. Take my kiddos to an amusement park or somewhere fun for kiddos. 🌸 8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
• none. 😂 they're all awful tbh. The only one I kinda like is the 1980's. 9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
• my children, of course 👩‍👧‍👦 I birthed them, ya know 🤰🏼 But aside from my kiddos, I guess my mother. We butt heads a lot, but she's a very strong & motivated person. My sis & I used to be close.... it hurts. 10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
• no one, shit I hardly know myself. 🙅🏼 11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
• how they grew inside of me, came from my body, love me unconditionally, & NEVER want to leave my side. 💘 if y'all can't tell who I'm talking about, that'd be my 2 darling babies. 💜💙💗 12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
• as a youngin', I wanted to be a teacher. Then as I got a lil older, I desired to be a Psychologist. But then I fell pregnant with Miranda & only took one semester in college.. 13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
• honestly not sure. 14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
• oh, who doesn't love compliments. They're brighten your spirit. Especially seeing as I suffered years of being told that I'm bad looking 🙄 but I'm also extremely self-conscious & awkward when I receive a compliment, so 🙈 tis the anxiety. 15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
• I guess non-physical? I like how understanding and caring I am. I tend to care too much, tho. 16. What is your favorite attribute about yourself?
• I'm caring. 17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
• I've literally just said that 😂😂 18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• I used to believe that anything was possible, until I met a monster who destroyed all my positivity. 19. Do you believe in soul mates?
• don't think so. 20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
• I don't really check them lol. 21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
• true, blindly, awful love: once. Puppy love: twice. 22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
• everything.... 💔 23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
• vulnerability just perfectly describe me currently. I'm fairly low in my emotions, so yeah. My kids' dad is who always made me feel that way. Also heartbreak, being betrayed, & embarrassment make me feel like that. 24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
• ain't nothing to scary to ask a man 🤔😬 25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
• nothing lol I have no desire to be a man. 😳 26. What do you find most attractive about each sex? * men would be probably their eyes, smile, hands, arms, build. women would be their hair, eyes, smile, passion, body. 27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• psychology. 28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
• take my kids to the beach. 🌊☀️🏊🏼‍♀️🚣🏽‍♀️ I've been before, a handful of times in my childhood & teenager years, but not since I was 17 with my mother, my ex (their dad), & a few other people. I would be so incredibly happy to take my babies to the beach, lie out in the sand & tan while we build sand castles & then take off running to the water to swim 💙🙌🖤 Another thing I'd love to do is go on a cruise. I want to travel the world someday, also. I want to rock climb. Attempt to surf or ski. 🏄🏼‍♀️⛸⛷ Even like to try to ride a horse. 🏇🏼 I want to take self-defense classes 🥋🥊🤼‍♀️ that'll protect me & my kids once my ex does get released. I ALWAYS wanted to learn how to play the piano or keyboard 🎹 I wanted to learn to ACTUALLY dance, take dance lessons & also I'm OBSESSED with gymnastics. But since I'm in my twenties, I'll settle for asking my babygirl to join gymnastics 🤸🏽‍♀️ & just maybe, she'll become an Olympian 🥇🎖🏅 hehe. I played softball for 7 years. I hope so much that my kiddos are athletic 😄😅 29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
• because that's A LOT of stuff, & I don't have the 💵💰💸 for all that. Kids are expensive lil creatures, ya know. 🤑 but so worth it. 🙌💕 30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
• I definitely would love to go into Photography. 🖤📸🎥📱 honestly, I want to be a Psychologist & earn my PhD, but that's so many years in school. With two kids, that's going to be fairly difficult when my main focus & top priority is them. I dunno. I have even considered nursing because it's only 2 years in school, fair pair, good insurance, & different hours. 31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
• I don't have a job currently. Just a stay-at-home mama. It's 7:35am. I've done nothing but stay up all night, lying on the couch, playing on my phone or tablet. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll regret it later 🤦🏼‍♀️😅 32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
• some dude. Talking about how I need to get over what Luis did to me because it's "in the past" && how I'm not a perfect mother basically. Here's this: Eff You 🤔🖕 33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
• my son. 💙 his smile & laughter are contagious 👶🏽 34. What is your favorite memory?
• the first time I held each of my child, most definitely. 💓 also, the first time I ever breastfed them, kissed them, & pretty much all of the good memories with them. 😍😭 35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
• I'm VERY easily embarrassed, like it's terrible. So, there's no telling. Everything literally bothers or embarrasses me. #anxietyproblems 36. What is your biggest fear?
• losing my children. death. my ex. 37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
• yes, I have 2 very big ones. The first regret I have is taking Luis back AFTER I left him for around 2.5 months. I was newly pregnant with Leonardo, like maybe 3 months pregnant but had only just found out a few weeks before. He attacked me, and I called my dad. Left him & only took Miranda to see him during daytime in broad daylight, never was alone with him for too long, & did not spend the night. The second regret I have is letting him come in my window the morning he intended on killing me.. 38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
• of course I have. I've been arrested before 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼 All to protect my piece of shit ex because HE ditched my car while drunk. It taught me a valuable lesson, though. I didn't drink after that & still don't. He, on the other hand, didn't learn anything. I ended up with obstruction of justice charges & underaged possession 🙎🏼 I had 100 hours of fucking community service!!! Had to even take an AA class & driving class EVEN after they found out I wasn't driving. Oh, & the magistrate wanted to lock me up for 10 days to "teach" me a lesson about lying to authority 😭 39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? * stay with my ex. 40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
• sure would. would give me anxiety, but some people need their day brightened. 41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)? * yup sure would. 42. What’s your favorite joke? * I'm not sure . 43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
• can I be both & neither 😂 I love animals, but all of my babies have passed away. I used to have a ferret, who passed in December. She was my girl 🌝🌚 miss my Loca Luna. 🐾 44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
• a cat 🐱 45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
• Jerry Springer & Maury 🙈🙊 46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
• like Angelica from the Rugrats 👧🏼 47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
• when I was like 18 & pregnant. Everything was so new & exciting. I loved my ex with all of my heart, too. So blind. 48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
• that women have the right to their own bodies. & that borders are imaginary lines that were only created after this country was stolen from the indigenous people.. 49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
• I'm a single mommy who's been through hell & back but am surviving && thriving 💋 50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
• a vehicle ..

#survey

[derangedknifefreak]

Chara

-Verses-

Void/file travel: Chara randomly appears in timelines/au’s other then her own to mess with them. Past: Chara when she was younger, aka, during the goat family time with Asriel. Possesing Frisk: Chara during her first genocide run. Will be written with both my muses. Non-canon: Anything else you’d like to rp, such as post pacifist or random ships, I won’t say no but I won’t consider it canon for Chara’s story.

About

Full Name: HIDDEN Nickname: Chara >     How’d they get it?: It was the first thing she thought of when she met Asriel.

Age: 14 (but if you count all the timelines she’s been through she’d be around 30 or so) >     Date of Birth: 25 may 1974 >     Zodiac: Gemini

Species: Human Gender: Trans Feminine (Aka, born male, identifies primarily but not completely as female.)

Pronouns: She/Her or They/Them Sexual Orientation: No preference

>     When did they realize this?:Their interests don’t lay in traditional sexual contact, so the gender or species of the opposing party simply don’t matter.

Current Residence: Post Genocide Undertale verse

Fight Abilities

Hand-to-Hand capability: Very quick reflexes and good at dodging, but having a teens body, her punches are virtually harmless. >     Who taught them: Reflexes came naturally but she learned how to deal with monster attacks through multiple playthroughs with various Frisks and Players.

Weapons: Chara will use whatever weapon is available to them and is light enough for them to swing effectively. She has an obvious preference for any weapon with a sharp edge and point, like knives, swords and spears. She usually picks a knife because it’s the lightest and easiest to maneuver. >     Who taught them: Self taught

Physical strength: very little Speed: very fast Planning: She knows all monsters from the original timeline so she can easily plan her attacks around this knowledge, but when she meets a new monster she tends to attack blindly until she’s figured them out. Powers: Can possess anybody. A monsters’ weaker soul doesn’t stand a chance against hers, but the soul of a young determined human could probably expel hers. Gaining LOVE makes it easier for her to possess you.

Family

The only parents Chara truly remembers having at this point are Toriel and Asgore. Before she fell into the underground she actually had a pretty normal family life, but she didn’t get along with any of her family; she simply never fit in anywhere. She was always the odd duck out and not once felt any kind of understanding from anyone. She hates humans primarily because they’re ‘stupid’ and ‘useless’. This hatred only applies to adults as she’s generally willing to give children a chance.

Chara was always a bit closer with Toriel, she appreciated goat mom’s humor and felt accepted and loved by her in ways she never felt before. Unconditionally. She loves Asgore too, but simply has a slightly more distant relationship with him. Asgore was more aware of her somewhat twisted nature, which is probably why he kept her at a slight distance.

Of course she was closest with Asriel. The two shared literally everything together. Toriel had a difficult job just getting them to eat of different plates and sleep in different beds. But despite how close they were their relationship was less then healthy. Chara would manipulate and emotionally abuse Asriel to get what she wanted. Asriel was for the most part unaware of this, but occasionally it would dawn on him that she treated him more like a pet then a brother. He never complained though; he just wanted her to love and approve of him.

Relationships

Virgin?: In the classic sense, yes. However they have been involved in sexual acts of a different nature.

First crush?: You could argue that (genocide!)Sans was their first crush; but it would only be his strength they crushed on, not him as a person. They also have a certain obsession with their frisk and the same goes for Asriel; while they were never in love She considers him hers and used to get really possessive.

Any romantic relationship?: It would be difficult for any relationship with a person this twisted to evolve into a romance, but it’s not impossible. Chara could only be romanced by a personality more dominant then her own, and that person would have to accept her ‘demonic’ nature, and to a certain degree, understand it. Chara is an emotional masochist, she won’t like being hurt physically, but she likes it if her partner can give her the feels. The more it hurts her heart, the better. 

Favorites

Favorite foods: French Snails in Garlic butter [Don’t put them in pie toriel!], Candied apples, Pure Chocolate >     Least favorite food: Pasta’s in general

Favorite colors: Red [BLOOD] >     Least favorite color: Gold

Music: Trance and the gentler styles of house music Literature: Fairy Tales Smell: Lemons Feeling: Bittersweet Season: Fall Pets: Hamster Place: Core Favorite sport: Dancing Possession this character values most: the Heart locket >     Why is it so important to them?:It contains a picture of her goat family and reminds her of the happiest time she had in her life.

Physical Characteristics

Height: 155 cm (5 feet 1 inch) Weight: 45 kg (90 pounds) Body build: Slender Eye Color: Deep brown/ red >     Glasses or contact lenses?: No

Hair Color: Light Brown >     Type of hair: Frizzy straight >     Hairstyle: Chin length, styled outwards

Complexion and skin tone: Pale / Caucasian >     Any particular blemishes?: Her lips are always cracked.

Shape of Face: apple Scent: Salty and Metallic Voice: Medium high Mannerisms: Giggly, seemingly carefree, DISTURBING Health: Physically; she’s literally a walking, rotting corpse. It doesn’t really bother her much though and she can’t exactly get sick either. Her soul (Which isn’t in her body, she’s using Frisks’) is all cracked up and eternally bleeding. Style: Simple and cute, a cross between childish and feminine. She likes sleeves that are too long. Tics: Not exactly a nervous tic, but She cannot stand still when she hears music, ever. She will dance against her own will.

Preferred Clothing

Underwear: Solid colored slips Shirts: stripped sweaters Pants: comfy shorts, leggings Skirts: short, multi-layer Jackets: loose and comfortable Shoes: anything without heels, Short boots Accessories: She doesn’t go anywhere without her locket. Formal wear: She’d purposely wear something old and torn up just to make a point. Sleeping wear: shorts and shirt Swimming wear: children’s bikini

Intellectual/Mental/Personality Attributes and Attitudes

Did they go to school?: She was home schooled both above and under ground. She’s good at exact subjects.

Native language: English >     Do they know any other languages?: No, but she carries a wing dings translation sheet around just in case. Multiverse travel taught her to.

Manner of Writing: Childish, doesn’t use difficult words and keeps her sentences short. Any Mental Illnesses?: So many, but they are undiagnosed. In short, she’s thoroughly fucked in the head. How does your Character see themselves?: “After everything I’ve done, It’s still just me. Nothing’s wrong.” How does your Character believe they are perceived by others?: They think they’re seen as nothing but a demon who only exists to torture and kill everyone around them. This believe is often accurate. How self-confident is your character?: If they don’t feel confident they will just pretend they are so it’s not noticeable. They’re a good actor. >     What makes their self-confidence waver?: Dying to minor monsters

What would embarrass your character the most?: If somebody felt sorry for them. How does your character feel about love: She doesn’t see the point of it.

How does your character show affection/love?: Play around and threatening them longer before brutally murdering them. She may even make you a flower crown. Before forcing you to eat it. Probably. How does your character handle grief?: In short, she doesn’t. She just pretends it’s not there at all. >     What are they like when they cry?: Quietly sobbing while hidden away OR grinning madly while tears stream down when their face with the FEELS. >     What can make them cry?: Being reminded of Asriel’s betrayal or in those rare moments when the fact everybody hates their existence actually gets to them.

How does your character handle physical pain?: She gets mad and makes sure to pay it back triple. >     Emotional pain?: She gets high on it.

Leader or follower?: Follower/ loner ‘big picture’ or ‘little details’?: Big picture Energy level: She’s quite energetic. Describe their sense of humor:  Dry and dark. Very dark. She finds screams of agony especially funny. Hobbies: Playing games and dancing. Talents: Seeing through people, dancing. >     She dances a fast style of contemporary dance.

Extremely unskilled at: Socializing.

Emotional Characteristics

How does character relate to others?: She seem them primarily as tools or sources of entertainment. How does the character deal with anger?: Fight. >     With sadness/ loss?: Smile >     With conflict?: Kill >     With change?: Curiosity

What does your character want out of life?: To be entertained What would your character like to change in his/her life?: Generally they’d answer this question with ‘nothing’ or ‘what would be the point, this world will end regardless’. But occasionally they’ll long for the time they were happy with their family, and wish Asriel had used his powers to get the 6 souls and execute their plan. What frightens your character?: Little white dogs >     Are they afraid of the Dark?: No, they embrace it. >     Death?: No, they’re technically  already dead.

Is your character judgmental of others?: She’s quick to gather what to expect of the opposing party but her deductions are usually accurate so you can’t really call it being judgmental. She’s kind of judgmental of naive people though. Is your character generous or stingy?: Neither, she doesn’t really deal with money. Is your character generally polite or rude?: Rude. Optimistic or Pessimistic?: Pessimistic. Introvert or Extrovert?: Introvert/ behaves like extrovert. Daredevil or Cautious?: Daredevil, no need to be cautious when you’re already dead. Logical or Emotional?: Both Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?: Messy Would they rather be working or relaxing?: They like to be active. How do they feel about animals?: Pets are pretty cute, she secretly has a weakness for fluffy things. They are most at ease when: Listening to music and dancing alone. >     Ill at ease when: having to behave for some reason in a crowded place; too many people judging her at once.

What is their best quality?: Good dancer. What is their biggest flaw?: Everything else.

Some History

Chara didn’t go through any sort of trauma aside from those caused by her own abnormal personality even as a child. During her childhood she never expressed her inner demons the way she does now. She was actually a pretty sweet child before Frisk showed her it was ok for her to be evil, to be themselves, through doing a genocide run. Since then she has seen, and caused many more broken timelines.

Breaking and recreating the timeline over and over again has caused her soul to crack. Pieces have broken away over time, leaving her with less and less of her ‘good’ self. If she continues the way she has, eventually, she truly will be nothing but the demon called LOVE.

Blank Character profile by Jadeookami@Deviantart

#Freaky Chara #rp info #about #Chara // headcanon

[kirkgwatson6]

Why Are Kids So Obsessed with Hilarious Dog Videos.

It Doesn’t Matter What Sort Of Dog-related Question, We Certainly Have The Solution

Dogs make wonderful pets. The offer lots of love unconditionally making on an excellent lifelong companion. To benefit both of you, you should learn all that you can about dogs. Listed here are the basic principles to learn to comprehend and take care of your dog.

It costs a lot of cash to obtain your dog. The costs associated with general and health care in addition to high-quality food might be more than a thousand a year. Pet insurance can be quite helpful since emergency medical treatment for your personal dog can cost lots of money, based on the circumstances.

Reward your dog for doing right things, like sitting while you place it’s food down, with plenty of praise and attention. You want to reinforce your dog’s good behaviors. He’ll learn that praise may come when he is useful, too#dogvideos

A dog’s bad behavior should be corrected when you view the first signs of it. Ignoring it for some time causes it to become harder to improve later and you don’t understand what may occur in the event you don’t. This could lead to huge problems later on.

It’s important to make certain that your pup’s nails stay trimmed. When they start to curl under in that case your dog may begin to feel pain. You are able to trim them yourself with a couple of commercially made clippers. Should you be not comfortable doing the work yourself, you are able to take him on the groomers and get them done for very little money.

Should you be considering your dog but aren’t sure, why not trying providing a good foster home for a dog? Shelters are filled with abused and homeless dogs plus they are challenged to provide every one of them good care. Fostering will allow you to become adapted towards the life of a cat owner, and you will be building a difference inside the lifetime of your dog concurrently!

Dogs must be exercised physically and mentally to be able to stay healthy. Find ways for your dog that will help you on a daily basis, for example training it to fetch the morning paper. As a result him feel like a dynamic family member.

Be certain your pet dog wears identification so that it can invariably go back home. Something a lot of people do to make certain they receive their dog back is that they fit them with a collar that’s breakaway and has an ID tag. This tag needs to contain all your relevant contact details as well as the name of the dog. You may also wish to install a micro-chip in your dog.

Recall the expression “A lot of cooks spoil the soup” when training your pet dog. Many people have various ways of doing things, and having multiple commanders can confuse your pet. Select a single person to be accountable for all training, and let others secure the decisions made by demanding the same standards of behavior in the dog.

Dogs provide their owners by using a love that is not able to be seen elsewhere. However, so that you can have this wonderful companion you have got to gain all the knowledge about them that you can. The article you possess just read has provided you with excellent advice concerning how to boost the best dog. These tips, together with other tips, could make you enjoy dog ownership..

The post Why Are Kids So Obsessed with Hilarious Dog Videos. appeared first on The Topic Gallery.

from The Topic Gallery http://www.denalioverlook.net/why-are-kids-so-obsessed-with-hilarious-dog-videos/

#News

[shortondopamine-blog]

may 27, 2017

8:13 pm

my grandma died two days ago.

she likes the beach, cooking, talking on the phone with her friends, visiting her friends, being independent, wearing fuzzy socks, spending time with family, praying, going to mass, eating fruit, and she loves babies.

she’s very mini, not even up to my chin. i’d say probably 4′10″? every time i saw her she seemed to shrink. she swings her arms when she walks, and she’s always bustling around. her nose forms a little mushroom on her face. her hair isn’t all white, and she doesn’t dye it. it’s mostly black, and then a little bit of salt and pepper and then there’s some white. she laughs at her skin when you pull it up on the back of her hand and it takes a couple seconds to drop down again. she eats the leftovers and anything anyone doesn’t want, and when people ask if it’s safe to eat she says, “doesn’t matter, i’m old anyway” and laughs. she doesn’t have cancer or any sickness, she is prone to strokes but she hasn’t had one in a while.

she’s always cold, always asking if me and my siblings have eaten and if we say yes she suggests we eat more, she fondly judges us when we eat something that isn’t the highest quality (because her cooking is the best), she’s always cooking in bulk, she always cooks a ton of food and puts it into containers before she leaves so that we can have leftovers, she always makes the meals me and my siblings like, she adjusts traditional recipes to fit either my nut allergy or my family’s preferences, she’s always getting phone calls, she never says goodbye on the phone, she’s always so so happy to be carrying a baby.

she doesn’t speak english well but she understands it, and can speak it if she needs to. she can always tell if i’m ranting about something to my brother or if i’m crying about something she asks me if i’m okay and is there for me, always wants the best for me. i remember crying because of a girl at school and she instantly was there for me and couldn’t believe what i was dealing with and then wanted to have a word with the girl, wanted to talk to her mom. she sits on the couch sometimes to watch tv with me and my brother and sister even if she doesn’t understand, she’s just there. one time when we were watching mulan she pointed at the guy with the tall blue hate and said “i hate him.” and another time when we were watching harry potter there was a scene with a spider and she was like “oh.. oh my.. OH that’s enough i don’t like this” and stood up and bustled away. for a summer me and my siblings were obsessed with watching cake boss and then when she went home again to san jose we watched a little but stopped, and then a couple months later we picked it up again just as a throwback. and it happened to be when she was visiting us again and she laughed and said “you guys are still watching that show?” and we all laughed and explained.

she’s always so proud to tell her friends about us, to introduce us and when we speak in vietnamese her face beams. when my siblings and i sing together she’s so happy. she’s always so proud of us when we play the piano, when we get honors at school or when we sing, even though it’s not unusual for us.

she used to not like my dog, saying that she, a rescued and formerly abused maltese poodle with only one ear and so she runs a little lopsided, would bite us or hurt us. and now whenever she reads or prays on the couch she always waits for belle (my dog) to jump up and lay next to her. she’s always feeding belle human food, meat she knows that she’ll like even though she shouldn’t and she’ll get chubby. she always says good night to her, and talks to her in vietnamese saying “she that? she understands vietnamese.”

every night she says good night to my and my siblings, but it doesn’t sound like good night she says “nigh...” because she can’t pronounce night. and she opens up her arms for a hug and we always stoop down to hug her because she’s so mini.

when she stands next to her grandsons, the ones who are grown and past college, she doesn’t even reach their shoulders. when she stands next to the four of them she’s more than a head shorter.

she always welcomes my friends and makes them food, trying to be aware that they aren’t used to vietnamese food and learned american and mexican recipes to be able to make food they would wanna eat. and she always gets so happy when she makes something vietnamese and my friends love her food. she remembers them and says like “o i met you” and “o i remember you.” my friends love her too, say that she’s the cutest lady they’ve ever met and that they could fit her into their pocket. she really is so mini.

she’s the strongest lady i know, who lost her husband 42 years ago and took her all her kids across the pacific from vietnam to america, alone. who in her life experienced three of her six children and one of her grandchildren dying. who, no matter what financial state her family was in, always ensured that they had enough food to eat and were safe. who gave my momma the opportunity to go to school and she went to stanford, and she met my dad and because of her, i am alive and have siblings and have met all of the people in my life. 

there were times when i took her for granted. no i didn’t feel completely safe when driving in the car with her, yes sometimes she interrupted me when i was speaking, and yes there were times when i wished she wouldn’t pry. but now i realize she never did. she just wanted to make sure i was okay. she picked the peanuts out of this peanut, soy (type of rice), and meat dish just because i don’t like the peanuts - i’m not even allergic. that’s like picking the almonds out of an entire bag of trail mix. 

she calls me beautiful at the most random times. like i’ll be eating and she’ll be looking at me and then she just says “you’re so cute” in vietnamese, everything she says is in vietnamese, and she loves my curly hair. she loves it when i straighten it too but she says the curls are so beautiful. she lets me wear whatever makeup i like but she always calls me beautiful no matter how much or little makeup i’m wearing. she hems my dresses, sews back buttons on my blouses that popped off, hems my brother’s pants. when she walks into my room and it’s a mess she says to my brother “it’s like something blew up in there.” she peels oranges and then cuts out the seeds, and then she peels back the thin white skin on each piece just because i don’t like it. i’ll eat it, but i don’t enjoy it. i’m not a picky eater, she just always wants the best for me and to match my more specific preferences.

she kisses my sister’s ashes and says a prayer every time she visits my house.

she loves me and my family and all her grandbabies and friends and family unconditionally. she’d visit her friend who had dementia every day just to talk to her and keep her sane. she loves those flowers that smell like vanilla. her friend grows them, and friend always gives them to her and my grandma puts them in a little sauce bowl next to all her framed pictures of family and friends. even when the flowers die, they smell nice. she puts them in her car, too. when she moved closer to my house she’d always invite my siblings and i over for a sleepover. and we did once, and i’m so glad we did. she and my brother went to sleep early but i stayed up all night on the phone with my friend. my friend met her, and he adores her too. 

i love her. i lover her and i don’t believe that she’s gone. she got to say goodbye to everyone in her life. for two weeks she travelled around the world. her last time back to vietnam, then she spent some time on the east coast and she just attended my uncle’s wedding, where she saw more people. at these times, she was able to say goodbye to people without anyone - ever her - knowing it was goodbye forever. that’s probably the best. then there’s no gloominess or a foreshadowing weight. she got to say goodbye.

i love her. i do. and i still catch myself referring to her in the present tense. i don’t believe that she’s gone i feel like she’s gonna appear at my house again with so many groceries and she’ll cook something delicious, and she’ll fold my laundry and she’ll be downstairs reading or praying or talking on the phone. i know she’s dead and i don’t feel like i’m still in denial, but i just don’t believe that she’s gone.

i love her. i didn’t get to fully appreciate her until recently, to tell her all the time that i love her.

i love her.