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#the more weight i gain the more i am unsure of who i am anymore
blakeswritingimagines · 2 months
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A Little Bit Happy
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Summary: You seem to have won your husband's heart all over again after the news of you having his child, until he shows you how truly dark his heart is.
Word Count: 4.1k
A/N: Part 1 Burn The House Down
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon/Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.
"I'm pregnant." She spoke softly.
His eyes widened for a split second before he broke out in a soft chuckle. Was he imagining things, or were you truly saying what he thought he heard? “Do you mean it?” He asked slowly, taking in every word. He was unsure, but this would explain the weight gain, as well as why you had been so… moody. He had no other choice but to believe you for now. A child! This changes everything. Aemond was shocked. “P…. Pregnant?! Are you… serious?!” He was speechless. He tried to keep his composure but he could not hide his joy and excitement. Was it true, you were carrying his child? The thought alone sent his heart racing. He looked at you and put a smile on his face. This was the news he had been waiting for all this time. And he looked you straight in the eyes. “Is this true?” he asked, his eyes filled with joy and wonder. You heard Aemond's reaction, his eyes widened in shock and excitement. And you knew it was as you expected. You were truly carrying his child. "Yes, it is…" You replied in a sweet voice as your face grew bright with a wide smile. You felt so happy that Aemond was excited about the news, hoping the tension between you both would dissolve. "I am pregnant with our child." You continued, as you placed your hand on your stomach. "I've been trying to keep it a secret, but it has become difficult to hide. I guess I can make it official." You laughed and glanced at Aemond, who seemed to be beaming with enthusiasm. You wanted him to be happy and to hear the news he had been waiting for all this time. "It's true," you said, your eyes shining brightly.
“A baby?!” Aemond said with a grin. “You’re saying we’re going to have a baby?!” He placed his hand on your stomach, as you had done. “My lovely wife… I had feared that this day would never come. I could not imagine a day when we would not bring forth the next generation of our house. But, my worries are gone. We have made what I most desired.” Aemond laughed with joy and embraced you, holding you close in his arms as his grin grew wider and wider. Your hand rested on your stomach, the movement of your hand looked as though you were comforting the child being carried within. And he was overjoyed by this revelation. This was no secret anymore. Aemond was a man changed. He smiled and took your hand bringing it to his lips and kissed it. "Our child. Our beautiful child."
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Months later, the pregnancy went smoothly and you began to notice your belly growing larger and your mood changing. You felt your emotions become more intense as the pregnancy became more advanced. Your moods shifted from happy to angry to anxious to affectionate, all in the span of just a few hours. You could not explain it. Aemond knew your mood swings were common and he understood it the best he could. However, these mood swings of yours were becoming more frequent and intense as the pregnancy progressed. He was constantly finding himself walking on eggshells, unsure of which mood his wife might have. Your mood swings were often unpredictable, and Aemond never knew what to expect from one moment to the next. But he understood, you were carrying a life within you, it was bound to create such mood swings at the least. He had to be patient with you. And he was. The days he seemed to be distant were now fewer and further between the two of you, he was there by your side always. He could see the weight changes, you were getting rather large now. He could notice it in your face and around your midriff. It was not easy being married to someone who was so emotionally unstable. It was especially exhausting being forced to play the role of husband and father at the same time never finding a good enough time to come clean about what he'd done. He was constantly stressed and his nerves frayed at the slightest change in your behavior.
The pregnancy was taking a toll on you. Your mood swings were becoming more and more uncontrollable. You would be laughing one moment, sad the next, and you could not figure out what to do about it. You felt that you were losing yourself and had no control over your feelings. You were now getting closer and closer to the due date. Your belly was huge and you were uncomfortable even as you constantly asked if you were fat or pretty. You tried hard not to let it bother you, but it was getting more difficult to ignore. “My dear, you’re gorgeous.” Aemond’s tone was filled with love and kindness as he spoke to you. “You are bigger yes, because our child is too, but you are not fat. And you are not losing yourself.” He added as he held you close. “You are becoming a mother. These feelings are natural. You are carrying our child within you. Your emotions are bound to be different. This is how it should be. You are going to give life. You are becoming more beautiful with each day.”
You listened to him carefully as he tried to reassure you about your changing body. You felt your confidence rise at the way he talked, calming your nerves with his words. You looked into his eyes and saw nothing but love, nothing but honesty. "Thank you, my love… You are right. This is how it should be." You smiled faintly, feeling more at ease. You felt your mood shift slightly, your pregnancy hormones calming down. It felt good to hear the words come from him directly, not just in your head. He was happy to see, that his words were helping. He took you into his arms and held you. His hand stroked your belly, as he spoke. “You are more beautiful now than ever before.” Those were the words he believed in this moment. You were not getting larger, you were getting more beautiful. Because the child within you was, a part of you both. It was beautiful to him. Aemond kissed you, it was a long kiss, filled with love.
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Aemond was filled with nerves and excitement as the day of childbirth approached. He was as much worried for his wife’s health as he was for the child’s. But he did not show his worries to you. Instead, he tried to keep calm you. “You will be fine.” He told you. “In a few hours, we will see our child. Our beautiful child. I will be right beside you the entire time my dear.” He held your hand and kissed you once more. “I know you will. You have been by my side through everything… This will be no different.” You smiled gently at your husband, feeling comforted by his words. As you felt the baby kick inside your belly, you looked down and placed your hand upon your stomach, caressing the baby.
“Our beautiful child.” You repeated in a soft voice as you looked up to Aemond. Your breathing steadied and you felt more calm as he held your hand in his and placed gentle kisses upon it. You tried to focus on the good instead of the anxious thoughts that swarmed you. “I am so nervous.” You quietly admitted to him, feeling your emotions rise as you remembered the pain that would come during the delivery. “It is natural to get nervous my dear. But you won’t feel a thing. I hired the finest maester there is in King’s Landing to see to it that this whole process is as painless as possible.” He would let nothing happen to the woman he loved. You need not to worry. He would make sure of it. “When the time comes… we shall hold hands, and you need not fear any pain. I shall be by your side to ensure nothing goes wrong.” He spoke to you in a soothing tone, trying to quell your fears.
In your mind, all was well. You were going to give birth in a few hours to the child. A boy or girl. That did not matter much to you. As long as the baby was healthy and strong, it was all you could ask for. But the burning secret. It loomed over Aemond. He could not even feel anything but shame knowing what he was keeping from his wife. He had to keep this from you otherwise all would fall apart. He could not tell you. Not now. Perhaps never. It was the secret that loomed over him, that he felt he could not disclose to her. This was something that could change everything. But he could not find the right way to go about breaking the news to her. You were carrying his child, and you did not deserve to go through this pain when he could ease it. You were so vulnerable and he could not risk hurting you in this way. “I cannot stop thinking about the pain.” You said softly as you felt the discomfort in your stomach, moving your hand to your lower midriff and rubbing it gently. “What if I do not survive?” You whispered to Aemond, looking for reassurance from him as your eyes were glued to his. The burning guilt only grew as you approached your delivery hour. He knew he should have told you sooner, but each day the news got harder to reveal.
The more you spoke, the more he felt ashamed and remorseful. It had been months, and he had yet to tell you. What was so hard about telling you the truth, the same truth you so desperately wanted to hear. But it would ruin everything. The guilt he felt for hiding this from his wife was unbearable in this moment. You seemed so worried. You were afraid. You were looking at him of all people to console you, to tell you everything would be alright. “You will survive. I promise you that.” He told you. “You are strong. Stronger than any in the realm. I have faith you will emerge victorious.” The promise was meant to soothe you, to ease your fears, and he hoped you would believe it. He did not know how much further he could keep this from you. He had to figure out a way to tell you soon. But not now. Not while you were this fragile. His words comforted you, allowing you to smile faintly. Your gaze softened as you looked into his eyes. “I believe you.” You nodded, your breath becoming steady once again. “Just be by my side during this delivery, and we will be fine.” You said, holding his hands. You felt the contractions tightening and you gasped quietly, looking over to Aemond for a moment. "Thank you." You gave him a small smile, trying to stay positive. Your nerves seemed to have calmed down, and his words had given you a sense of relief. "I'm looking forward to holding our baby in my arms… The thought of me actually being a mother… We will raise our son or daughter with love, and we will be happy as a family." Your voice was soft and loving. You closed your eyes and leaned in to rest your forehead against his chest.
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You and Aemond were celebrating the one-year nameday of your babe being born. Holding held a grand feast, inviting all the important lords and ladies of the realm. The mood was lighthearted, and a sense of happiness permeated the air. The two took some time away from the feast to enjoy the evening alone together, walking through the gardens of the Red Keep as Aemond said he needed to speak with you. Aemond had been preparing for this moment. He wanted to finally tell you the truth. It had to be done. You were finally alone, the moment he had been dreading for so long. But he could not delay any longer. He had to tell you. All the signs pointed to now. “My love, there's something I must tell you” But now he hesitated again. Maybe this was not the best moment. Maybe it should be done tomorrow, yes. Tomorrow was a better day. Tomorrow was good. He will tell you tomorrow. But as the time of the walk came to a stop, he finally built up the courage.
You smiled at Aemond, not noticing anything amiss, and you continued walking with him through the gardens. You had been enjoying the quiet moment with your husband as you enjoyed the beauty of the gardens. Your mind was occupied with the happiness of the day, and you wanted to cherish the moment. "What is it dear?" Aemond stopped for a few moments. The time had come. He did not enjoy watching you walk and be so happy when he knew that he was going to shatter all joy. He hated himself and everything about what he was about to say. He turned to face you. For a few moments, he could not speak. But then finally, he managed to gather his words together. “I… there is something I must tell you. But I implore you, please understand…” You felt a sudden tension in the air when Aemond stopped walking and you could not read his facial expression. The feeling of unease set in and the happiness you had been feeling vanished. You looked up to him, awaiting him to continue speaking. You suddenly stopped as well, your face softening as you noticed the look in Aemond's eyes. You immediately grew worried, sensing something was wrong. There was a hint of fear in your eyes as you spoke to your husband, your tone becoming urgent. "What is it? What is wrong?" You said, your heart pounding.
You were so innocent. Too innocent to know what he was about to say. He would need to break this to you gently. To be kind in this moment. To not be too harsh. The guilt was eating him alive. There was so much he had done wrong. But he had to tell you. You deserved to know what he had been keeping from you all this time. “There is… an important thing I need to tell you…” His voice was filled with guilt. He struggled to find the words. To put a voice to his actions. And as he felt his heart pounding, he pushed through. “I have… I have seen.. another woman.” He paused. It felt as though the entire world was closing in on you both. “Her name is Alys… Alys Rivers. And I have been…” You did not believe what you just heard. You thought your whole world was crumbling down before you, yet Aemond's words were slowly chipping away at your heart. The fear and anger built within you as you listened to him confess about his affair. You felt cold and numb, all hope and happiness lost within you at that moment. It took you a few moments to even breathe, the shock of it making your heart sink even lower. You couldn't even look Aemond in the eyes… you just kept her eyes on the ground.
Aemond noticed how you did not look up to face him. It tore him to pieces. He was the one to hurt you. He was the one who had caused this. He was hoping there would be some sort of understanding. But he was not so lucky. “Please, I beg you. I could not stop myself.” He knew that what he did was unforgivable. But he had to at least try to make his case. It was all he could get out at this moment. He paused for a moment and thought about the consequences this could have. You were so sensitive and he was pushing you to the absolute limit. He did need to keep his words right. But he wanted to try something. Blame you for not getting pregnant sooner. He thought about that for a minute. It was the only thing he could think of, but was it the right thing to say? Could a simple lie ease the pain for now at least? He looked at you, hoping that his excuse would be enough. “You could have gotten pregnant sooner.” He said. He was testing the waters. He had to find a way to shift the blame.
Those words hurt you more than he could ever imagine. Hearing those words come out of his mouth shocked you to your very core. You hated him for blaming you, and yet your heart clenched at the thought. The rage inside of you grew hotter as you listened to his cruel remark. You felt furious as you thought about him placing the blame on you when he had been the one who had strayed from the marriage. That was absolutely unfair to you. You had been trying your very best to give him a child, while he had been fooling around. Your face grew pale as Aemond tried to blame you, and you felt your heart sink even lower. Your eyes turned to him, filled with anger and grief as you could not believe what he just said to you. You started to tremble, and your expression turned cold, as all of the memories of the failed attempts to bring another child to life came swirling into your mind whispering in a broken tone. "I did all I could." It was the best thing he could do. He had to do it. He could not imagine what would happen to him, to his marriage if he did not succeed. You might leave him. So he must use his cunning. It was something he had been practicing for years. He knew you were smart, but your feelings made you weak. He had to use it to his advantage. “You haven’t been trying hard enough, my love,” Aemond said in a harsh tone, His eyes softened to not give away his deception. “Yes… I only wish you would have done more.” He said to you. “I cannot help but think that this is all your fault.”
His words cut deeper than a razor, cutting directly into your heart. You froze at his words, unable to speak. You felt so lost and alone now. Your whole world was falling apart. Your heart was shattered. All of those times when you had attempted to bring another human life into this world… you gave her all, feeling so much frustration and worry when the attempts failed. To say it was all your fault was just cruel, but you kept quiet, letting him continue. The plan was working. He could see it in your eyes, in your expression. All he had to do now was continue to play it out. He was getting what he desired. The seeds of doubt had already been planted. And you were not stopping him. You were letting him dig his heels in and plant more. He had to continue, the entire fate of his marriage depended on it. He continued to push you. He was not holding back even as he stepped closer and cupped your face. It was best this way. No regrets. If he could not have your forgiveness he would settle for this. “It has always been so easy for you to give up. First with the miscarriages, then the failure to conceive sooner. It is sad, that it took me having an affair for you to do anything in life.”
Tears were flowing down your cheeks, your heart in pieces. You tried to keep your composure, but it was all becoming too much for you. His words were too cruel and too devastating. And the more he spoke, the more he cut into your heart making you think you should apologize, making you feel worthless. You were too weak to even speak, your mind and body both numb as you stood there, letting him continue. Yes, that was the effect he needed to see. The tears. The sadness. Your weakness. It was all there. He just needed to continue. “You need to understand your duty as a wife… it is to provide your husband with an heir. And you failed. You have failed until recently.” Aemond was enjoying this. Seeing you like this. You were so meek and pathetic. The thought of you on your knees, begging him to forgive you was not too far off now. He continued. “If you had tried harder…” he said. “If you had offered more…” The cruel words flowed from his mouth and landed perfectly. You were in a state of shock, but you were not fighting back. Instead, you were allowing him to tear you down. He could continue down this path and finally, he would have you. It did not take long for tears to flow from your eyes. He was taking full advantage of your sadness. No time for remorse now.
You could not believe what you were hearing. It was too much to bear. Your stomach twisted at these words. You felt sick. As you stood there, tears pouring down your cheeks, your voice was no more than a whisper as you let out some words. "P-Please…" You choked out as you tried to look away from him. Your knees began to tremble as you felt you were close to breaking, your eyes filling with fear. You were so close to giving up. Your strength failing you. 'Good,' he thought. You were close. He could taste your defeat in the air. His words had found their mark. You were in a despairing state that he had never seen you in before. He had to keep pushing you. You were on the brink, he could see it. You were on the verge of giving up. Now he just had to press on. “Your failure was the reason that I turned to another woman. You had the chance to give me children. You had the chance to keep me happy, all of those times when we tried…” He waited for you to apologize. For you to beg forgiveness. This is it. This was the moment that the seeds he planted would blossom into something grand. The thought of you on your knees, begging him to forgive you put a grin on his face. “Please?” He said, smiling at you as he watched you tremble. “Please what?”
"You're right. It's all my fault." You said as you finally looked into Aemond's eyes, your eyes overflowing with tears. "I should have tried harder. I should been a better wife. I should have given you more children. Please, please forgive me." You said as you began to weep, unable to hide your emotions any longer. You felt so weak, and powerless, and he had succeeded in breaking you even as you leaned against him for comfort. Exactly as planned. You were his. Now that you had said the words, you had admitted it. Your apology was accepted, despite its emptiness. You would not try again. “Good.” He said. “I hope that you have learned your place as a wife and as a woman… I hope that you will learn from this situation. And… I suppose I can forget this incident, so long as you behave yourself from now on. But I forgive you. I want to give you another chance.”
Relief washed over you at his acceptance of your apology and his forgiveness. You smiled softly at him, finally feeling some hope again after what felt like weeks of misery. You didn’t want to disappoint him again, and now that he had given you another chance, you were determined to make it count. “I promise you that I will behave. I won’t fail again.” You said in a soft voice before looking away for just a moment, feeling ashamed. “Thank you, my love.” “Of course.” He said, giving you a reassuring smile. “I know you will not let me down.” He saw how you still looked ashamed. A thought popped into his head. He must go further with this for now. Perhaps he would regret it later on but for now. “The fault is not completely with you. I have failed you as well. I have not loved you enough. I have not appreciated you. I have not given you all the attention you deserve.” He knew this was not the truth. But it was needed to ensure your completely submissive state. “Now, shall we return to the feast?”
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give-me-more-39 · 11 months
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Hey all! Just wanted to make an important statement regarding this account. I want to make it clear that as of right now:
I am not currently willing to post any more pictures of myself or my belly, or participate in any stuffing, overfeeding, bloating, or gaining of any kind.
Understand that I am still very much in love with the feedism community and I will still chose to like, comment, repost feedism stuff and whatnot, but at the moment I have multiple personal reasons for why I chose not to physically participate in it myself.
I have never been at the weight I have wanted to be at 100%, and there has been a large history of self-image issues in not only my past, but in my entire family as well. I live with people who have self-image issues of their own relating to food (e.g. my sister having an eating disorder that makes her feel like she is never skinny enough, or my mom crying every couple of days because getting off the couch is becoming hard to do). These same people, while I support their journeys through whatever they go through, somehow judge me for getting a little more pudgy than normal and proceed to play the “Well, we all need to lose some weight, don’t we?” card.
I am unsure if a lot of my insecurity comes from the media + the fatphobia presented to people consistently online (not in the feedism quadrant, obviously) and how much that has played into the way I look at myself, if it is the family I am from, or if it is simply because I am, deep down, disgusted with myself because my jeans barely fit me when I only bought them a couple months ago. It doesn’t help that I literally only have $20 in my bank account and the thought of impulsively buying food for myself that I don’t need being one of the big reasons for that number makes me look at myself with extreme hatred.
I understand that a lot of this can be “excusable” for a college student like myself, with the freshman 15 and all, but I can’t care anymore about that line. I’m starting to get tired of it. I wish I could fit in my size 8’s again. I wish my muffin top wouldn’t get in the way so much. I wish I didn’t need my inhaler after a flight or two of stairs. I wish I wasn’t the fat friend. I wish going to the gym wasn’t so hard for me.
In addition to all of this, although I have been ensured from a couple feeders/feedees on here that it is safe, I always am worried that someone will find me. That someone I know would discover that this is who I am, or a future employer would see this and immediately reject my application. I’ve seen so many people blackmailed and had their lives ruined because of their indulgence, and for me to end up the same way is a terrifying thought.
I am heavily attracted to the thing that scares me about myself, and it’s a frustrating and almost bittersweet feeling. I hate the way I look and feel, but I am obsessed with the idea of stuffing and eating whatever I want… it’s a twisted battle that has summoned in my head, and it’s really confusing for me. I wish I wasn’t who I am, but I know none of this can change, so distancing myself from participating in this seemingly fun care-free and confident world looks like my best solution.
I know not all my problems will be fixed by losing weight and distancing myself from this community slightly, but it definitely will help. Thank you all! - J
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d4iryqueen · 5 months
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update: my mom did in fact intervene in a way. she pointed out how skinny i got over 2 weeks (they were v stressful for my whole family, especially me n my mom and she knows abt my ed so she figured it out quickly). what happened is that i have noticed my bones sticking out more and abs showing (for the 1st time in my life!), but my weight stayed the same thoughout, so i thought im just unsure of what i actually look like and/or am imagining it because i wish i looked like that. but because she keeps on talking about how i look really thin and …unattractive (she fr still thinks eds develop bc people want to be skinny bc skinny=pretty????)…. i actually accepted that i really am that thin. that my ribs are actually showing. that my hip bones do in fact protrude from my pants. and i love it. however, as much as i adore this, it made me feel “safe” in my eating? idk… i had shitty ass sleep bc i felt quite sick after yesterdays dinner, i slept only for 4 hrs max which is v little for me. so i was extremely tired today, took a caffeine pill and drank an energy drink on an empty stomach in the morning and went to school. i kinda overdosed on the caffeine, yeah :/. but i ended up having a v successful day, i did more than i thought i’d be able to with how tired i was/am. soooo… i allowed myself to eat basically anything i want until im not hungry anymore. i didnt have a plan today bc i simply focused on not being extra tweaked out or passing out in school and was nauseous so i literally didnt think about food at all in that way.
to make this long story short : i ate 2085 calories worth of food that i didnt plan and im glad that i didnt binge, but also im shocked by how easily my behavior got influenced by someone i truly love and care about.
its not a bad thing and in the end, i cant be *always* in a deficit realistically, plus if im in a plateau maybe it’ll help? even if i would gain (which i truly dont think i will) then id still be skinny af. and … it feels quite good tbh. im proud of myself for getting here and actually recognising it (nothing hurts more than seeing pics of you at lw and remembering you used to believe you were too large), but im also not proud of myself for letting go today. extremely proud of myself for not even thinking about binging tho. like i just ate like a normal person for 1 meal (dinner, as lunch was high cal safe food combos, which still contained much more things and cals than what id allow myself on a normal day). im having mixed feelings. but im also content. tomorrow? who knows what approach ill take towards my diet. and idk how ill feel about today when tomorrow comes, either. but for now, i just want to sleep. im gonna maybe reblog a bit, but ultimately im gonna take a sleeping pill to finally slee through the whole night and r e s t my body cos i need it.
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hinatastinygiant · 10 months
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14 | Debt Collection
Pairing: Mikey x Fem!Reader
Undercover Masterlist
The morning sun streams through the kitchen windows, casting a warm glow on the table. The scent of fresh coffee and the sounds of clinking cutlery fill the air. You, Yuzuha, and Hakkai sit together, enjoying a delicious breakfast unlike what you've gotten used to eating lately. 
As you all enjoy the satisfying meal, Hakkai's face lights up with genuine joy. He shares stories about how well school is going, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. You and Yuzuha share a knowing look, but you allow him to continue explaining his half-truths about his new friend Ryu.
Finishing his meal, Hakkai places his dish in the sink and turns to you and Yuzuha. "I love you both," he says, his voice filled with affection. He leans in, placing a gentle kiss on your cheek before heading out the door, leaving a trail of happiness behind him.
Yuzuha shakes her head, a worried expression etched on her face. "This is getting too far," she voices her concern. "Hakkai seems genuinely happy in the gang, and that's not how it's supposed to be. We need to find a way to get him out."
You sigh, torn between your loyalty to Taiju and your affection for Hakkai. "I can't do that," you reply, your voice tinged with hesitation. "We need to stay on Taiju's good side, and gain his trust."
Yuzuha raises an eyebrow, her skepticism evident. "Why do you even want to be on Taiju's good side? He's the biggest asshole ever."
"Why can't you just trust me?" you sigh. "I know what I'm doing."
"I hope you do. Just don't forget why you're really there," she shakes her head.
"I won't," you hum, holding her gaze. "We're in this together, remember?"
"Fine," she sighs, "but be careful, okay? Hakkai's happiness is at stake."
"I promise, Yuzuha. I'll keep that in mind. Now, I have to go. Take care of things here."
"Yeah, yeah," she mutters, "Just don't lose sight of what matters."
With those words lingering in the air, you bid Yuzuha farewell and head out of the kitchen.
As you approach the entrance of the Black Dragon headquarters, Kazutora shows up in front of you with a serious expression on his face. He blocks your path, his presence imposing.
"Hey, Taiju wants to see you," Kazutora states, his tone curt and direct. "You better not keep him waiting."
Curiosity piques within you, wondering what Taiju could possibly want. Without further delay, you make your way toward Taiju's office, the anticipation building with each step.
As you enter the room, a tense atmosphere greets you. Taiju's voice echoes through the walls, filled with anger and frustration. "Hakkai, you're becoming useless! I don't want to hear any more excuses! Now get the hell out!"
Hakkai, visibly shaken, meets your gaze briefly as he exits the room. There's a mix of relief and worry in his eyes, leaving you to wonder what had happened before your arrival.
You take a hesitant step forward, unsure of what awaits you. Taiju's gaze shifts to you, his anger momentarily subsiding. "Ryu, come in," he says, his voice still laced with irritation.
You enter the room, taking a seat as Taiju collects himself. His eyes meet yours, and he takes a deep breath before speaking. "I need you to collect money from someone," he says, his tone more composed now. "The previous person in charge owes us a substantial amount, and I can't trust them anymore. It's your job now."
You nod, absorbing the weight of the responsibility. "Understood. Who am I collecting from?"
"It's a delicate situation. The widow of a former Black Dragon member, whose husband recently passed away, is struggling to make ends meet. Her late husband incurred a debt with us, and she's unable to pay it back. I want you to handle this with sensitivity and ensure she understands the consequences," he explains.
"Very well," you nod. "I'm sure I can find a resolution that is beneficial to you and still respects her circumstances."
Taiju's stern expression softens slightly, a glimmer of approval in his eyes. "Good. Remember, Ryu, we are not heartless. We have a reputation to uphold, but we also take care of our own. Show her that the Black Dragons can be fair and compassionate. Now go."
As you make your way through the familiar streets of your neighborhood, you approach the modest house where the widow resides. It's a place you've passed by many times before, but this time, you approach with a purpose.
You knock on the door, your heart heavy with empathy for the woman inside. The door opens, and you're greeted by the weary face of the widow. Her eyes hold a mix of grief and worry, as she recognizes you from the Black Dragon gang thanks to the jacket you're wearing. She hesitates for a moment before inviting you inside.
As you step into her house, you can't help but notice all the remnants of the life she shared with her late husband. The air is filled with a sense of melancholy, all the pictures either faced down or turned away, tissue boxes laying empty all across the room. The widow leads you to a small living room and gestures for you to take a seat.
"I'm sorry for your loss," you begin, trying to ease the tension in the room. "I know this is a difficult time for you."
She sighs, wiping away a tear. "It's been tough, especially with the debts my late husband left behind."
You nod sympathetically. "I understand. That's actually why I'm here. Taiju sent me to collect the money he owed. But I want you to know that we're not heartless. We're willing to work out an arrangement that suits both parties."
The widow looks up, her eyes filled with a mix of hope and uncertainty. "What do you propose?"
You explain your suggestion, offering a compromise that allows her to pay in manageable installments over time. "We can break down the total amount into smaller weekly payments. You can pay at the end of each month. This way, it won't be as burdensome for you."
The widow hesitates for a moment before voicing her concern. "But what if I can't make the payments on time? What happens then?"
You meet her gaze, understanding the weight of her worry. "I assure you, we want to find a solution that works for both of us. If there are unforeseen circumstances that prevent you from making a payment on time, I encourage you to reach out and communicate with us. We're willing to be flexible and understanding. We don't want to add unnecessary stress to your life."
A small glimmer of relief flickers in her eyes as she considers your words. "Thank you for being understanding. It's a difficult situation, and I appreciate your willingness to work with me."
You nod, satisfied that you were able to work this out with her. "It's our goal to support you through this process. Your husband was a valuable member of our team and we want to ensure you that you will be able to manage the payments without any hardship. If there are any changes in your circumstances or if you need any assistance, don't hesitate to let us know."
The widow gives you a grateful smile, the tension in the room dissipating slightly. "Thank you very much. Your understanding means a lot to me. I'll do my best to fulfill my commitment."
With a reassuring nod, you rise from your seat. "I have faith in you, ma'am. Take care, and remember that we're here to help."
Later that day you find yourself back in Taiju's presence. The room is filled with a cloud of smoke, its pungent aroma swirling through the air. Taiju, seated behind his desk, looks up at you with a glint of approval in his eyes.
"Ryu, you've done well once again," he says, a faint hint of pride lacing his voice. "Collecting from the widow ain't an easy task, but you handled it with finesse. I'm impressed."
You offer a small nod of gratitude, acknowledging his words. Taiju reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, extending it toward you. "Here, have a smoke. Celebrate your success."
You hesitate for a moment, contemplating the offer. While you don't smoke, accepting the cigarette could strengthen your bond with him and further solidify your position within the gang.
With a nod, you reach out and take the cigarette from Taiju's outstretched hand. "Thank you, Taiju," you reply, your voice carrying a mix of appreciation and respect. 
As you light the cigarette and inhale, the smoke filling your lungs, Taiju's satisfied smile widens. "That's it, Ryu. Enjoy it. You've earned it."
In that moment, you realize that while you may be playing a delicate game, navigating the intricacies of loyalty and deception, there's also a sense of belonging and camaraderie within this world. With Taiju's approval and acceptance, you feel a strange mix of accomplishment and unease- it's something you've never felt from your older brother before. The smoke lingers in the room, a symbolic haze that shrouds the reality of your actions.
But for now, you continue to play your part, treading the line between loyalty and survival, as you delve deeper into the intricate web of the Black Dragon gang.
Undercover Masterlist
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str8skinnbones · 3 years
Text
i was satisfied as fuck when i realized last night that my vin and i are so much more comfortable just being around each other in our own worlds. it might have initiated, the comfortablility, on the night that we tripped.
but i think it happened before that.
i think it happened one of the nights that we were staying together at the hotel, we stayed together for almost an entire week and we even went to sleep one night without having sex
at first i saw that as a red flag but it was really just us growing closer
and now we are just co-existing - he's playing is game and i'm scrolling on tik tok or thinspo on tumblr and i don't know what he's thinking and he doesn't know that i am balls deep in obsession and desperation in my ED. but we're both just living and we're choosing to live in the same space
and that is fucking comfortablility
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ererokii · 3 years
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Heyyyyy, so I just finished the Aot 2 game and was kinda messed up by the ending... sooo in honor of that, could you possibly write something about the reader sacrificing herself to distract the Titans so that everyone can get away safe and she doesn’t come back for a few years? I’d prefer something with Jean but it’s completely up to you! Thanksssss
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Thank you so much for requesting, I had a fun time writing this and I hope you love it!
For those that don’t know, this is based off of the Attack on Titan 2 game! This contains some spoilers from the game!
Year 3, 850
Three years of intense training are now behind me as today is the long-awaited graduation. Unfortunately, I could not come in the top ten, but Shadis believes that I have potential. My goal from the beginning hasn’t changed. I plan to dedicate my heart to the Scouts and take out the armored titan myself. 
Y/N
XX, 850
Reiner and Bertholdt escaped, and we were able to retrieve Eren and Ymir. Not long after the fight with them, we gained insight that Wall Sina has been breached. This is it. Now or never. The battle to keep our human race alive was at stake. I will not let defeat take over my body. 
Y/N
Jean’s eyes scan over the series of letters in the journal that belonged to an assumed fallen comrade. Every day for the past three years, it has always been the same routine. 
Get up, train, socialize with comrades and read this journal. 
By now, he wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t have memorized the whole book. Each inked word seemed to lose its meaning, and its color as the pages began to fade away, just like his hope did. 
The tips of his fingers grazed the rough sheets of paper, a lump forming in the back of his throat. No matter how many times he has read this, he can never shake off the dull aching pain in his heart when he realized he had looked over the last entry once again. 
Currently, he’s sitting in his room, the window open that allows the cool breeze to wash over his body. Goosebumps form on the nape of his neck as he shifts his attention to the walls in the distance. The moon took its place in the sky, the light shining down on the walls as if it were mocking him. 
His tongue peeks out and swipes across his lower chapped lip, hoping that the wetness is enough to moisture them. His fingers continually flip through the pages after the last entry, staring down at the blank pieces of faded white sheets.
The vivid images replay in his mind on the day Wall Sina was breached. Reiner, Bertholdt, and the Beast Titan were all there. The Beast Titan was a surprise to everyone. Out of all the battles, Jean has fought, this one was by far the most blood-curdling. The thought of humanity dying out on that field was enough to ignite a feeling in all the soldiers. 
When Eren and the rest of the scouts defeated Reiner for the second time, there was enough time to take Annie’s crystal back to an underground cellar. But because it weighed more, the horses were at a disadvantage. 
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Jean likes to think that you survived. Maybe you were residing in the new buildings of Wall Maria once the scouts took it back. Perhaps you didn’t want to be apart of the Scouts anymore— then maybe you would be safe. 
The slamming of the door catches his attention as the sound of pants and coughs are heard. 
“Jean!”
“What, Connie?” He sighs and slicks his hair back. “What could you possibly want at this hour?”
“S-Someone’s approaching headquarters! I think it’s Y/N!”
His body grows cold at the sound of your name. “Y/N..?” He whispers underneath his breath, thinking that his mind was playing games. “How are you so sure?”
“The person is wearing the Scout uniform with no horse! We haven’t been scouting outside! It has to be her! It can only be her!”
“That has to be impossible,” he stands abruptly from his wooden chair, stalking towards his comrade. “She’s dead.”
“Weren’t you the one who told us to have faith?!”
“I did. A year ago. It’s been three years, Connie. She’s not coming back.”
“Jean,” he whispers, unsure if he heard right. “We all know you were heartbroken when she sacrificed herself but—“
“She’s gone, Connie!” His arm swings out as his fist collides with the wall, a surge of pain shooting through his arm. “Because I couldn’t help, she’s dead! We were useless! Maybe we should have let Reiner take Annie back so she would be here! But she’s dead!” 
His voice cracks as a lump grows in his throat, limiting the use of words. His nails dig into his palms, nowhere near, causing the amount of pain he felt within his heart. 
Only a few minutes pass as Connie leaves his friend alone, not wanting to upset him further. 
Jean’s mind begins to flood with the memory of your departure. His eyes are squeezed shut as the clear liquid runs down his face, damping the wood of the desk underneath his arms that rest under his head. His grown out hair sways slightly from the cold air that sent shivers down his spine. 
“The horses can’t go as fast with that big thing in the cart! There’s just too much weight!” Connie yelled out as he and Jean steered the horses forward as Titans trailed from behind. 
You, Mikasa, Eren, and the crystal that held Annie sat in the cart. The horses ran at top speed. Your fingers gripped the leather of the journal, nails pressing against the material. 
Your eyes are trained on the hoard of Titans that seem to get closer and closer by the minute. 
“Any minute, they’ll be on us!”
“I know that, Connie!” Jean grunts and glances over his shoulder. The determination in his voice washes away as his eyes widened, face growing pale as he watches you slide the journal into Eren’s hand as he lies unconscious. 
He was no fool to know what you would do. The air is knocked out of his lungs as the faint noise of the gear rings in his ears. It’s like he’s living in slow motion. His mouth opens as he screams out for you, begging to keep you on the cart.
Your alluring eyes bore into his own as your lips curve into a small smile, mouthing something to him as a hook shoots out from its confinement and into a tree, shooting your body forward. 
A hoarse sob leaves his mouth as he sits up, covering his face with his hand as his shoulder shakes violently. Jean can feel himself washing away from reality and falling into the deep void that was his heart as he cries. Each waking second he knows he’s becoming insane.
As harsh as reality was, the man wanted to live in his fantasy world, where you were still aliv—
“Jean..”
His body stifled as he heard the sound of a voice he knew by heart and loved dearly. His pupils are wide in shock as he stares forward at the walls' chipping paint in his room. 
“Impossible,” he trails off in a whisper, hands beginning to shake in uncertainty. “It’s impossible..”
“Jean...turn around,” you whisper into the tense air, walking forward as the creaking of the floors alerted him of your presence. “Please?”
“Maybe I have finally lost it,” his voice comes out in a lower octave as he runs his hand through his hair. “I guess that’s what I get for not sleeping.”
“Jean, it’s me!” You plead as you place your hand on his shoulder, feeling how tense he was under your fingertips. “It’s me..Y/N.” 
“No, she’s dead. I saw her leave us. You aren’t even here. You’re just a figure of my imagination to make me feel better so I won’t wallow in my pity.”
Your heart aches at his confession as you suddenly wrap your arms around him from behind, burying your head in his neck as your hair tickled at his exposed skin. “I’m home now, Jean,” your voice cracks as tears well up, the liquid hitting against him. “I’m back..”
“How can you?” He questions, relaxing upon touch. From a face showing sorrow, it shifted into one of seriousness. “I s-saw you leave us. You can’t be alive..it has to be a joke.”
“I survived Jean..can’t you see?” You press your cold hand against his warm cheek, feeling his warmth radiated off of his face. “I’m here..flesh and blood. I’m alive...I came back to you.”
Jean tilts his head to gaze up at you; his mouth parted as he gazed into your eyes. All the words he had to say now left his mind as his lips became parched, peeling his tongue out to lick them. “You are here..”
“I am!” You laugh through the tears, cupping his face in your hands. “I was in a shelter in Wall Rose. I was injured for a long time before I was able to return here.”
Words couldn’t express how the boy was feeling, only actions. He abruptly wrapped his arms around your torso, bringing you flush against his body. “You’re here now..”
All of his worries and hidden thoughts could now be thrown out the window and buried deep underneath the earth, a place he would never have to reach. You were alright, alive and breathing.
And especially in Jean’s arms.
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gotnofucks · 3 years
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What do you think Lee or other Seb and Chris characters would be like with a tall, slim and very uncurvy woman? Like only a couple of inches shorter than them, and she never feels feminine enough or sexy enough for them?
We'll start this by establishing that every person is pretty regardless of their body type. Tall, short, chubby or skinny, different complexion and smooth or furry.
As a short girl, this is for my tall skinny sisters who have a difficult time loving themselves:
Warning: sometimes dark themes, allusions to smut, possessiveness, body image issues, breeding kink, 18+ ONLY
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Steve Rogers: The Avengers Charity ball was a big event and though Steve hated the public attention, he's excited to do this with you. You've been dating a few months and coming out in public was something Steve was looking forward to.
He had decorated your neck with marks to show the world who you belonged to. The territorial captain was itching to claim you in front of the world when you told him you'd rather not go.
"What?" He asked, "Why not?"
You bit your lip, shifting on your feet as you looked at him.
"It's nothing...just don't feel like it" You mumbled.
"Is it because we're going to fast? You don't wanna tell the world about us?" Steve asked and you frantically shook your head.
"No, Stevie." You took a deep breath. "It's just...you're Captain America. The people expect you to be with a womanly woman, someone who complements you. I am...me. Tall, not large enough boobs, my ass is skinny and -"
You would have went on had Steve not pulled you in by your waist and crushed your mouth to his. You kissed back, running your hand through his soft hair before he pulled back, panting.
"Are you kidding me? You're listing everything I love about you. I don't have to bend down to kiss you, you breasts feel perfect in my hands and that ass? Baby, that ass is so perfect if people knew the thoughts I get when I see it, they'll douse me with holy water. Captain America doesn't need a womanly woman to compliment him. You’re not my arm candy, I am yours because you’re the perfect one. You get me?"
Choked up with tears you nod, letting him tuck your head in his neck.
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Bucky Barnes: He's been looking at you for weeks, just the way you've been looking at him. During training, he makes sure to stay behind you, correcting your posture by putting his hands on you.
For someone who'd lived more than a century, Bucky Barnes had no patience anymore and he promptly sat down his ass in front of you, making you stop mid-chew.
"Why haven't you asked me out on a date yet?" He asked you, the red Henley he wore stretching across his broad chest. You swallowed quickly, sputtering.
"Sargent?" You squeaked, unprepared to be accosted like this.
"I want you, you want me. We've practically been eye fucking each other for months. Why haven't you asked me out yet?" He snapped.
You bite your lip before wetting them with your tongue, unsure how to say this.
"You...you don't wanna go out with some other agent? Maybe Shally?" You asked and winced when he scowled at you. "I'm only saying this 'cause she has you know, a better body. She's...prettier?"
In this moment you realised how scared Bucky's enemies may feel on the battlefield because the expression on his face had you terrified. And turned on.
"You fucking with me doll? I don't want her. I love your body. You're almost my height, think of how easy 69-ing would be! You're perfect in every way. The way you kick those men's asses in the gym...fuck I always need a cold shower after that."
Your mouth dropped open and a small smile lit your face.
"So, you don't mind me being strong and lean and not... feminine?" You asked tentatively and Bucky smirked.
"Come into the bedroom with me and I'll show you how feminine you can be" He challenged.
Really, who were you to say no to him.
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Ransom Drysdale: Heels. He got you fucking 6-inch heels. You were nearly his height, already being taunted by your friends for this. And he got you heels.
"Ransom, take them back. You know I don't do heels." You say and he scoffs, pushing them back at you.
"Like shit you don't do them. I want to see you in them, and wear that lingerie I got you." He orders and you frown.
"No Ransom, I just - I don't like them." You said and he turned away from his phone to raise an eyebrow at you.
"I've seen you eyeing that flimsy scarp of fabric for weeks in the mall. You like it, now wear it for me so I can admire it on you." He said.
You finger the delicate material of the bra and panty and wondered how amazing it would feel against your skin. But then you looked at the small size and squeezed your eyes shut. There was a reason you insisted Ransom turn off the lights when you fucked.
"I like them. Just...not on me" You whispered. A finger pulled your chin up and you met Ransom's blue eyes, his gorgeous face peering into you like you were the dumbest person he knew.
"The fuck?" He asked, a warning growl in his tone that had you rubbing your legs.
"Ransom...I'm...not made for these. These heels, I'll be taller than you. I don't have the body to make this gorgeous lingerie come to life. You...I don't want you to see me like that." You say, almost tearing up.
Ransom looked livid for a moment before he gently stood you up, shushing your protests as he one by one stripped you naked. You looked down, ashamed of yourself as he forced you into the tall heels, his head now below yours.
"Look at me" He rasped and you obeyed. His eyes went from your head to down, appreciatively over your breasts and flat stomach and then to the vee between your thighs.
"You're perfect." He said, head dipping only a little to suck a nipple in his mouth. "Perfect figure, perfect face, perfect height. You're the only perfect thing I have in my fucked up life."
You put your hands on his shoulder to stable your wobbling feet, and he held you close.
"Wear this lingerie. I want to tear it off your body with my teeth. And the lights stay on today."
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Lee Bodecker: You pushed down on your skirt again, hiding your thin legs the best you could. The demure and pretty girls in the neighborhood snickered as you passed by them, their necklines supporting a beautiful cleavage.
You walked into your home and quickly got to making the dinner. While you didn't look like a normal lady, you were one. You could cook and clean and your daddy hoped that would be enough to get you married and off his hands.
You got dressed for you knew there would be guests tonight and tied your apron around your narrow waist, serving the food on the table for your father and the Sheriff. He came in his uniform, the hat set down on the table and eyes that followed you.
It was no surprise when he cornered you later after your father was drunk and passed out. His hardness dug into you, sweet breath on your face and nose rubbing against yours.
"Where you been all day sweetheart?" He asked, hands groping you like they'd done a thousand times before. You whimpered, tilting your head to allow him access to your neck.
"Shopping for the dinner. Daddy doesn't like stale food." You say and Lee bites you.
"What've I told you about calling him daddy in front of me? I'm the only daddy ya need." He scolded. You waited for his kiss, lips puckered when he stilled. His hands were on your breasts and he paused, reaching inside despite your protests to pull out the rolled up cloth inside.
"What the fuck is this?" He angrily asked and you hid your face in embarrassment. You were tired of having small breasts, tired of not being as pretty as others.
"Just..I wanted more meat on me." You said sullenly and Lee twisted his face in a scowl, pulling you forward with your hair.
"You're not doing this shit again. You want big fucking breasts then ask me to put a baby in you and I will. You want more meat on your body then I'll fuck a child in you right now. You get me?" He snarled and you nodded, clinging to him.
"I...I am sorry. I wanted to be pretty for you." You sob and Lee pulls you closer, taking your hands and pressing them in his belly.
"Sweetheart, you are fuckin' gorgeous. My pretty girl. Daddy's best girl. You don't need more meat. I already got enough for both of us. Kay?" He asked and kissed you deep.
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Andy Barber: You hid your insecurities well. Andy didn't give you a reason to have many. He loved you, you knew that. But sometimes, you wondered if he'd have preferred a more bountiful booty to hold at night.
When you tried to eat a little extra than your stomach permitted and puked the next day, he sat you down and asked point blank what was wrong. It was difficult to lie to him, not only because he was a great lawyer but because Andy knew you too well to not know when you're hiding something.
"I wanted to gain some weight I suppose." You said. Andy titled his head, eyes going over your body before he frowned.
"But you're perfect" He said, as if confused. "You can't overeat baby. Talk to me, what's wrong?"
You bit your lip. Dating Andy was daunting. He was someone who had lines of woman waiting to warm his bed. You were surprised when he asked you out, you of all the other softer women. You, your flat figure of the other hourglass ones.
He was an alpha, he was the master. He would have looked so good next to a timid, tiny girl who would easily fold into his body for warmth. And yet, here he was with you.
"I have long legs" You blurted and didn't look at him. "I am taller than almost all women here, I don't have a plump ass you can bounce quarters off and definitely not a chest that is spilling out. I don't know Andy, I...I am not enough I guess."
You wanted to cry after admitting this and maybe you would have had Andy not knelt before you and cupped your face to kiss you deeply.
"Oh honey, you silly thing. You're more than enough. Absolutely stunning." He whispered. He trailed his hands up from your ankle to your thighs and you stifled a moan.
"Your legs are long, and I love them. So much length to run my tongue on" He continued. "You ass may not bounce quarters, but it bounces my balls well when I'm fucking your from behind. And your breasts better not be spilling anywhere, they are mine. The only thing they need to spill is either my seed or the milk that'll be in there after I breed you. You understand?"
Heat rose up from your chest to your neck and ears, eyes watering with love and desire. You put your long legs on Andy's shoulder and hugged him with your thighs, asking him softly to show you his praises again.
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thepremedthatwrites · 3 years
Text
Isolated (pt. 3)
summary:  You had married Peter as an arrangement.  There was no love involved.  At least that’s what you thought but things can change.  While you may have been unsure of your feelings for the High King, you were certain of one thing: your loneliness.
part 1 | part 2
The golden rays of the summer sun warmed me as I sat on the bench with Susan.  I watched with a smile as Peter played with Ollie a few feet away in the garden.  He picked up the boy, spinning him around and causing Ollie to giggle uncontrollably.  “Oh (y/n), I can’t believe there’s going to be a second child running through the halls of Cair Paravel soon!”  A few months had passed since Susan, Lucy, and I had spent the afternoon in the meadows.  After that day, it wasn’t hard for me to befriend Edmund with the help of chess, books, and sword-fighting.  
“I just can’t wait to be able to see my feet again,” I joked, placing a hand on my stomach.  I jumped as a pair of hands were placed on top of mine.  I looked behind me to Peter and Ollie had snuck up behind me.  Ollie had a goofy grin on his face, the teddy bear Lucy had made him in his hands.  
“What are you two talking about?” Peter questioned.  
“Just talking about Audrey,” I replied, hoping my blush wasn’t too obvious.  Peter scrunched his face at this.
“Audrey?  Isn’t that a bit formal?  I was thinking of Lily.” 
“Lily?  You want to name our baby after a flower?”  
“Well yes, flowers are beautiful are they not?  Just like you.”  He dipped down, pressing his lips to my neck.  I was sure my cheeks were now a very obvious pink.  
“Sucking up to me won’t…” I stopped mid-sentence as my eyes caught Maria who was walking through the garden.  That all too familiar feeling of guilt pulled at my heart again.  
“What’s wrong?” Peter asked, lifting his head from my neck.  He followed my gaze and his lips formed a thin line.  “Don’t let her get to you,” he said softly.  Susan frowned as Ollie had already wandered off, seemingly more interested in the nearby flowers than our conversation.
“If you want, I could talk to her,” Susan said. 
“No,” I said, taking a deep breath.  “I should be the one who talks to her.  She deserves at least that.”
“(Y/n), you don’t still blame yourself do you?”  I stayed quiet causing Peter to let out a sigh.  He moved to sit next to me, taking my hands into his.  “I can only speak for myself but I for one am extremely grateful for this marriage.  It was a blessing in disguise and I was able to discover a relationship that I could have never imagined.  What Maria and I had was nice while it lasted but both of us knew it wouldn’t last.  My relationship with her was not one of love but of lust.  What we have,” he paused, squeezing my hands, “What we have is real.  I love you (y/n).  I love you with all I am.”  
The last of Peter’s words seemed to linger in the air.  We had never expressed our love for each other in words.  Hearing it come from Peter’s mouth caused my heart to swell.  I wiped the tears from my eyes, looking up at Peter.  I almost drowned in the love Peter held in his eyes.  I couldn’t handle the intensity of his gaze, causing me to turn to Ollie who was walking from flower to flower.  His (h/c) locks curled at their ends, framing his soft face.  His glimmering blue eyes shone as he laughed at a butterfly that fluttered past him. 
“Susan,” I said softly, still watching my son.  “Would you accompany me when I converse with Maria?”
I could feel my heart race as Susan and I neared Maria’s bed chambers.  “(Y/n), are you sure you want to do this now?  Wouldn’t it be smarter if we waited until after you gave birth?”  There was a part of me that wanted to agree with her and turn around while I still could.  But I couldn’t wait anymore.  Maria and I had to settle this now.
“I’m sure,” I said as we stopped in front of Maria’s door.  I softly knocked on the mahogany.  I looked at Susan who gave me a reassuring smile before the door opened, revealing Maria, her older brother standing further into the room.  She stood in silence and I forgot how to speak for a moment before Susan lightly nudged me.
“Maria,” I said, my voice much louder than I had anticipated.  “I wanted to talk.”  Maria looked back at her brother who only nodded at her.  She said nothing, only removing her body from the door frame, allowing Susan and me entrance.  All four of us stood in awkward silence for a moment before I was able to gather the courage to speak.  “I want to apologize,” I said, wringing my hands as I stood underneath the glare of Maria’s dark eyes.  “I know that you loved Peter and I took that away.  But it was never my intention, the marriage had only been contrived for political gain.  I didn’t even have a say in it.”  
“I don’t need your pity,” Maria said.  While she may have meant to speak those words with venom, her voice was instead soft.  I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.  
“And I am not here to give you it,” I said.  I shifted my weight on my feet, glancing at Susan who nodded at me to continue.  I took a step closer to Maria.  “I know what it’s like to feel that the world is against you.  Trust me.  But holding onto that fear and anger isn’t going to help.”  I watched as a tear fell down Maria’s cheek.  She quickly wiped it away.
“You don’t understand.  I gave Peter everything.”
“You can’t live in the past, Maria,” Susan said, speaking before I could.  “Both you and Peter had decided to end the relationship.  It was not just my brother’s decision.”
“Perhaps it is time to let go of your anger,” Caspian spoke up.  Maria glared at her brother as if he had betrayed her.
“I’m not angry!” Maria protested.
“No, you’re not,” I said, cutting off both Caspian and Susan from saying anything.  “You’re hurt.”  Maria’s eyes locked with mine and for a moment, I saw the girl who’s heart had been broken.  The girl who had to watch the man she loved marry someone else.  It wasn’t anger that sat in her heart.  It was pain.  
“I’m sorry,” Maria whispered.  “I’m so sorry.”  I stepped so I was close enough to wipe the tears from Maria’s face.
“You don’t need to apologize for your justified emotions,” I said softly.  Before I could say anything, my mind was filled with pain.  I gasped, grabbing my stomach.  The pain had intensified as I staggered towards Maria’s vanity to steady myself.
“(Y/n)!” Susan exclaimed, rushing to me.  
“Aslan’s mane!  I think she’s going into labor,” Maria breathed, rushing to my other side.  Susan and Maria led me to Maria’s bed.  
“Caspian, get Peter,” Susan said, grabbing my hand.  I could see Susan’s calculating eyes look between Maria and me.  We needed the doctor but Maria had no knowledge of where my doctor was.  “I’ll get the doctor.  Maria, stay with (y/n).”  Maria nodded, her eyes wide with fear.  
Susan rushed out the door, leaving me with Maria.  “I didn’t plan for our first real conversation to be while I was giving birth,” I said, trying to smile.  My smile turned into a wince as a wave of pain washed over me.
“We may have been able to prevent that if I didn’t let my stubbornness get in the way,” Maria replied, giving a small smile.
“Or if I gathered the courage to speak to you earlier,” I added.  I gasped as my body was possessed by pain.  Maria took my hand, worry sketched on her face.  I turned to her, trying to hide the pain.  I didn’t remember giving birth being this painful.  “I guess we’re both to blame.”  Maria’s door burst open to reveal Peter and Caspian.  Peter rushed to my other side, grabbing my other hand.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his eyes wide as he scanned my body.
“Yeah, just casually giving birth,” I replied, trying to smile.  Instead, I let out a small yelp as I felt the next contraction, this one more intense than the previous ones.  
“Where’s the doctor?” Peter asked, his voice louder than before.  As if on cue, Susan and the doctor burst into the room.  The next few hours were a muddled mess of pain and shouting as the doctor guided me.  My face was covered in sweat, my face contorted with pain as both Peter and Maria held my hands.  With one final push, I felt the pain start to subside, the faint cry of a baby able to be heard.  
I slowly opened my eyes to see the doctor at my side, a small infant in their hands.  “It’s a girl, Your Majesty.”  I smiled as I took the infant into my arms.  I could feel Peter sit on the bed next to me. 
“She has your eyes,” he said softly.  I couldn’t help but smile wider.  When Ollie had been born, we had barely even talked and he had been there only for formalities.  Now, as I watched him coo at the baby, I knew that his love for both me and the child in my arms was limitless.  He turned to me a wide grin on his face.  Peter leaned in, kissing me gently on the cheek.  
“Do you guys have a name?” Susan asked.  Both Peter and I paused, looking at each other, we had never settled on a name.  
“We could do Lily,” I said.
“No, no.  I do think Audrey is a great name,” Peter replied.
“May I make a suggestion” Maria cut in.  Both Peter and I turned to her, slightly shocked at her addition to the conversation.
“Of course,” I said.
“How about Grace?”  I looked at Peter to see a matching smile on his face.
“I love it,” I said, Peter nodding in agreement.  
I spent a few weeks recovering from giving birth.  Maria visited me every day.  It turned out we had much in common and enjoyed speaking of different castle gossip.  I walked down the castle hall, happy to be able to get fresh air again.  The sound of footsteps fast approaching caused me to turn to see Maria.  “(Y/n)!” she exclaimed, slightly jogging the rest of the way to me.  A large smile was on her face.  “It is extremely important that you go to the garden right now.” 
“Is there a problem?” I asked, suddenly worried that Ollie had gotten injured there.
“No,” she replied, the smile on her face growing.
“What do you have planned?” I questioned as we made our way to the garden.
“Absolutely nothing.”  As we entered the garden, I saw Lucy and Edmund playing with Ollie while Susan was holding Grace in her arms and conversed with Caspian.  Peter was standing near a tree, seemingly studying the bark on its trunk.  I turned to ask Maria what I was needed for only to see she had disappeared to join Susan and Caspian.  Peter turned to see me, a small smile growing on his face.
I made my way to him, smiling back.  “So, were you all holding a party without me?” I joked as Peter pulled me in for a kiss.  I smiled into it, enjoying the luxury of kissing my husband - something I had never imagined would happen when we had first married.
“We would never,” Peter replied as we pulled apart.  I couldn’t help but notice the nervous fidgeting Peter was doing.
“Is everything alright?”
“Of course,” he started, taking a deep breath, “I just have something I must ask you.”
“Peter, what do you…” I trailed off as I watched Peter pulling out a small box from his pocket.  
“(Y/n),” Peter started.  The others had fallen quiet and I could feel their eyes on us.  “When we first met, I could have never imagined the love that I would feel for you.  As our relationship grew, my realization of my feelings for you became more evident.”  I watched in shock as he knelt to his knees, opening the box to reveal a golden ring, a small diamond attached to it.  “Our first marriage was one of royal duties.  Would you do me the honor of marrying me again?  This time, not for power but for love.”
I barely noticed the tears streaming down my face as I smiled down at the man that I had learned to love.  “Yes,” I said.  Peter smiled, taking my hand and putting the ring on it.  He got up, pulling me in for a kiss.  This kiss was filled with passion as if pressing our lips hard enough would transfer the love we held for each other to the other person.  I could barely hear the claps and cheers from the others over my own heartbeat.
I had arrived at the castle seeing it as a prison sentence.  But now, I viewed the castle as my home.  I was surrounded by those who cared about me and in turn, I cared about them.  I was no longer isolated.  Instead, I was loved.
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blakeswritingimagines · 2 months
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Brand New Man
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Summary: You seem to have won your husband's heart all over again after the news of you having his child until he shows you how truly his heart is to you.
A/N: This is a technical part 2 still just an alternative with the happy ending everyone wanted. The first half is the same just so it flowed easily.
Word Count: 4.8k
A/N: Part 1 Burn The House Down
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon/Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.
"I'm pregnant." She spoke softly.
His eyes widened for a split second before he broke out in a soft chuckle. Was he imagining things, or were you truly saying what he thought he heard? “Do you mean it?” He asked slowly, taking in every word. He was unsure, but this would explain the weight gain, as well as why you had been so… moody. He had no other choice but to believe you for now. A child! This changes everything. Aemond was shocked. “P…. Pregnant?! Are you… serious?!” He was speechless. He tried to keep his composure but he could not hide his joy and excitement. Was it true, you were carrying his child? The thought alone sent his heart racing. He looked at you and put a smile on his face. This was the news he had been waiting for all this time. And he looked you straight in the eyes. “Is this true?” he asked, his eyes filled with joy and wonder. You heard Aemond's reaction, his eyes widened in shock and excitement. And you knew it was as you expected. You were truly carrying his child. "Yes, it is…" You replied in a sweet voice as your face grew bright with a wide smile. You felt so happy that Aemond was excited about the news, hoping the tension between you both would dissolve. "I am pregnant with our child." You continued, as you placed your hand on your stomach. "I've been trying to keep it a secret, but it has become difficult to hide. I guess I can make it official." You laughed and glanced at Aemond, who seemed to be beaming with enthusiasm. You wanted him to be happy and to hear the news he had been waiting for all this time. "It's true," you said, your eyes shining brightly.
“A baby?!” Aemond said with a grin. “You’re saying we’re going to have a baby?!” He placed his hand on your stomach, as you had done. “My lovely wife… I had feared that this day would never come. I could not imagine a day when we would not bring forth the next generation of our house. But, my worries are gone. We have made what I most desired.” Aemond laughed with joy and embraced you, holding you close in his arms as his grin grew wider and wider. Your hand rested on your stomach, the movement of your hand looked as though you were comforting the child being carried within. And he was overjoyed by this revelation. This was no secret anymore. Aemond was a man changed. He smiled and took your hand bringing it to his lips and kissed it. "Our child. Our beautiful child."
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Months later, the pregnancy went smoothly and you began to notice your belly growing larger and your mood changing. You felt your emotions become more intense as the pregnancy became more advanced. Your moods shifted from happy to angry to anxious to affectionate, all in the span of just a few hours. You could not explain it. Aemond knew your mood swings were common and he understood it the best he could. However, these mood swings of yours were becoming more frequent and intense as the pregnancy progressed. He was constantly finding himself walking on eggshells, unsure of which mood his wife might have. Your mood swings were often unpredictable, and Aemond never knew what to expect from one moment to the next. But he understood, you were carrying a life within you, it was bound to create such mood swings at the least. He had to be patient with you. And he was. The days he seemed to be distant were now fewer and further between the two of you, he was there by your side always. He could see the weight changes, you were getting rather large now. He could notice it in your face and around your midriff. It was not easy being married to someone who was so emotionally unstable. It was especially exhausting being forced to play the role of husband and father. He was constantly stressed about you and the baby and his nerves frayed at the slightest change in your behavior.
The pregnancy was taking a toll on you. Your mood swings were becoming more and more uncontrollable. You would be laughing one moment, sad the next, and you could not figure out what to do about it. You felt that you were losing yourself and had no control over your feelings. You were now getting closer and closer to the due date. Your belly was huge and you were uncomfortable even as you constantly asked if you were fat or pretty. You tried hard not to let it bother you, but it was getting more difficult to ignore. “My dear, you’re gorgeous.” Aemond’s tone was filled with love and kindness as he spoke to you. “You are bigger yes, because our child is too, but you are not fat. And you are not losing yourself.” He added as he held you close. “You are becoming a mother. These feelings are natural. You are carrying our child within you. Your emotions are bound to be different. This is how it should be. You are going to give life. You are becoming more beautiful with each day since the day I met you.”
You listened to him carefully as he tried to reassure you about your changing body. You felt your confidence rise at the way he talked, calming your nerves with his words. You looked into his eyes and saw nothing but love, nothing but honesty. "Thank you, my love… You are right. This is how it should be." You smiled faintly, feeling more at ease. You felt your mood shift slightly, your pregnancy hormones calming down. It felt good to hear the words come from him directly, not just in your head. He was happy to see, that his words were helping. He took you into his arms and held you. His hand stroked your belly, as he spoke. “You are more beautiful now than ever before.” Those were the words he believed in this moment. You were not getting larger, you were getting more beautiful. Because the child within you was, a part of you both. It was beautiful to him. Aemond kissed you, it was a long kiss, filled with love.
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It had been a year since the day of the child’s birth. In many ways, a lot has changed. Aemond and you had grown even closer than before. The little bundle of joy was a source of joy for you both. Tonight you would learn something that would change everything, and he dreaded this moment. He led you into the garden. “My love.” He spoke softly. “The feast is going well, and I wanted to take some time with you to speak in private.” You were enjoying the peace of the garden, taking in your surroundings and breathing in the fresh air. You looked over at Aemond when you heard his voice, glancing up at him with a soft smile, seeming to have a certain air of importance about him. You could hear the music fading from the distance and the distant sounds of the party still ongoing, but your surroundings were now much calmer than before. "Is something wrong?" You asked in a sweet voice, as you stopped in your place and turned to face him. "What would you like to speak about?" You asked quietly, sensing that something was troubling him but not wishing to intrude.
He looked at you with a smile, but it did not reach his eyes. Your eyes were sharp and observant. He had to think carefully about his words. “Nothing is wrong. I just-“ His speech stumbled as he tried to find the right words. How could he say what he was about to say? “There is something. I have been meaning to speak to you about.” Your smile faltered as you noticed the change in his demeanor. You paused, waiting for him to continue, taking note of his hesitancy. It was obvious that there was something he wished to say, but was having difficulty doing so. You nodded gently, encouraging him to go on. This is going all wrong. The thought plagued his mind. This was not going the way he wanted. He did not want to lose you. “I have been distant from you…. More distant than I should have been.” He told you. “I have been distracted by my duties.” He paused. “I’ve been busy, but that is no excuse.” He began. “I apologize. I have let my responsibilities keep me from you, and that was something I should have avoided.”
"I have been concerned…" You said softly, listening to his explanation with a soft expression on your face. You were disappointed that he had been distant so easily, yet he seemed to have a good reason for it. "You have many burdens as a prince and as a husband. It is understandable." You gave a reassuring smile, though your eyes remained sharp, and observed his reactions to your replies. “I am thankful for understanding.” He began, choosing his words carefully. “And I want to start to remedy this. From today I will focus more on you and our son. My duties can wait, you and our child cannot.” You listened to his words keenly, watching him carefully, not wanting to interrupt him as he chose his words carefully. You were pleased to hear him express his desire to spend more time with you and your son, but there was still a part of you that was unsure. "You promise?" You asked gently, your voice soft and quiet. "You will no longer distract yourself with your duties? From now on, you will dedicate your time to our family?"
“I promise.” He told you in a quiet voice. “My duties are unimportant when compared to yours. You are my beloved wife, and I was a fool to forget that. My priority will always, and I mean always, be my family. Never again shall I make you feel that you have to beg for my attention. As long as you forgive me for my behavior. I promise,” he told you, speaking firmly. He could notice the doubt in your eyes. “I swear by all things that I hold dear. I will be a father to our son. Your husband and protector. And I will ensure that we all spend time together as a family. I have ignored you for far too long dear. I know the weight of these words, and I have no intention of going back. I swear it.” Your doubts seemed to dissipate as you listened to him pledge his devotion to you and your son. You began to believe in his words and felt the trust in your heart returning. You couldn't deny that you were pleased to hear him speak with such sincerity, his voice full of conviction as he made a solemn promise.
"I believe you," You told him softly, feeling reassured by his words and his tone. You took a deep breath and paused, allowing him time to speak. As you did, you wondered if perhaps there was something more he wished to tell you. A sense of relief washed over you as you heard his words. You were glad that he acknowledged his mistakes and vowed to change his ways. Your expression softened, and you took a step towards him, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. "You are forgiven." You told him in a warm and loving voice, bringing your face closer to his. You were glad to see him change so quickly, and you were happy to have a husband like him who would dedicate time to the family. You were truly a good woman he thought. He was taken aback, as you spoke with compassion and understanding. He felt touched by this and felt the guilt leave him. A little at least. He did not expect you to walk a step closer, your hands reaching out to his face. His heart skipped when your hands touched him. Your lips were so close to his. He yearned for you. He missed you. He could not resist and he leaned forward and kissed you deeply. It was something he was wishing to do for a while now.
Aemond did not let up. He had been this hungry for a kiss before back when he first laid eyes on you. The passion was intense, as he pressed himself upon you. He wanted every last bit of you with a fire burning through him once more. You returned the kiss with the same vigor. The heat was palpable. Your movements were seamless, and you were as one again in this moment. It was one of the most heated kisses you had ever shared. It was the kiss of a man who had been away from his wife for far too long. The kiss was heated, and you could feel the intensity of his desire for you. You felt his hands exploring your body, his touch sending shivers of pleasure through your bones. Your breasts pressed up against him, and you let out a soft moan of enjoyment as you kissed, your tongues tangling and twining together in an erotic display of passion. You gave yourself up fully to him, submitting to his every move and giving him complete access to your body.
His hands groped and fondled your breasts, feeling your body responding to his touch. Everything about you was a sight to behold. Your body was pure bliss. You were a goddess in his eyes due to your beauty. Everything about you was perfect and you were his alone. Aemond found every inch of your body perfect. He felt his body grow warm and hot. Your moans turned him on, and he let out the same noises. The kiss was so intense that the world around you both seemed to disappear, and it was only you at that moment. Slowly pulling away he softly panted. "I'm sure we can sneak away to our bed chambers but for a moment no?". You chuckled softly, the kiss still lingering on your lips. You felt every inch of your body come to life in his passionate embrace, and you loved how he desired you. She looked up at him, smiling warmly. "I'm sure we can find a way out of here for a moment…" She leaned up and pressed her lips onto his, kissing him again, her tongue teasing his lips. "For a moment." She looked at him, blushing faintly. She was taken by surprise by his sudden urge to take her to their bedchambers, and her breath hitched softly at the thought. She glanced away nervously. "Let us go before we are caught," she advised softly. She did not resist his advance. The urge was mutual.
He grabbed your hand and ran with you out of the garden and straight into your room, closing the door and locking it behind you both. The adrenaline was rushing through his blood like a river. His eyes were blazing, and he was focused on one thing and one thing only. You could feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins as well, the excitement of what was about to happen filling you with energy. You followed him into the room, feeling his intensity as he locked the door and led you toward the bed. Your heart pounded in your chest with nervous anticipation, and your breathing quickened as you wondered what he had in mind. He picked you up and laid you on the bed. His breath was heavy and quick, as he looked at his beautiful wife. His heart beat heavily in his chest, with desire, and with intent. There was nothing that was going to get in the way of what he wanted to show you. He would make this up to you, he would take all his pent-up desire and release it.
He could not keep his eyes off of you. In this moment, he could only think of one thing, and that was you. You were the most beautiful thing in the world to him, and he would take you here. The heat of his desire for you was intense. You could feel the heat pouring off of him and onto you. He stood at the edge of the bed. He leaned in toward you and spoke in a low, animalistic tone. “I want you.” Staring up at him as he stood at the edge of the bed, his eyes burning into you with intense desire. Your breathing quickened, feeling the heat from his tone of voice. You leaned up on the mattress slowly, meeting him halfway as you let your body lean into him. You placed your hands on his shoulders, drawing him closer to you and closing the small gap between you. "Take me."
He chuckled softly, pulling you gently down onto the bed. You could feel his strength as he held onto you. You seemed so small and vulnerable, and he was the giant. He could do anything to you right now. He could take command of you and do as he wished with you before he started undressing you both. "Be rough…" You whispered in a breathy voice, your gaze locked on his. You trusted him completely, eager to see him reveal his passion again. You lifted your arms, allowing him to slide your clothes off, exposing your skin to him. You had missed this intensity only he could provide, and you were looking forward to being taken by him as he pleased. “Are you asking me to be rough with you?” He grinned, looking at you with desire in his eyes. “Or are you telling me?” He smirked, looking over your body with an almost predatory eye. Your words were like a challenge and an order to him. He gave a smile. He took the hint. Aemond did not wait another moment. He grabbed you by the waist and pinned you against the mattress. You could feel the power and strength of his grip, and you could feel how intense he was becoming. He started to kiss you passionately.
You gasped softly as he forced you onto the bed and pinned your body down, his strength sending jolts of electricity through your bones. His grip was firm the same way as when he first got your attention, and you could feel his intensity as he pinned you down, not allowing you to move or escape his touch, and you couldn't help but tremble from the pleasure. Your hands traced down his strong back, exploring his muscular physique as you let out a low moan in response. Aemond felt the chills run through your body as he pinned you down and took control of you. You were so small and your body so vulnerable. You were his now. Your moan did not go unnoticed. It excited him even more. He ran his hand down your back, exploring those curves and shapes that you always hid. It felt so good to touch you like this again. You let out another moan, which in turn caused Aemond to moan as well. He was so turned on he could barely control himself. Aemond looked at your body and smiled. You were perfection. Your breasts were perfect, the shapes of your body reminding him of a goddess. You were everything he desired and more. He lowered himself between your legs. He groaned as he kissed your thigh teasing you.
Your body trembled beneath the touch of his hands, your nerves tingling with exquisite sensation. You gasped softly, feeling him kiss your thighs, his touch teasing and tantalizing. You were filled with suspense, your breath caught in your throat, feeling him kiss and touch you in this way. Your lips parted, and you moaned softly as he started sucking on your skin again, your back arching slightly. As he kissed your thighs, he could feel your body arching and your breath becoming shorter. Your lips parted, and your moans were getting louder. You were enjoying it a lot. He took pleasure in this. He wanted more than anything to see you feel a wave of pleasure that broke down every wall and defense you tried to keep. As a result, he began to kiss higher and higher, toward your inner thighs. You seemed so sensitive Your breath was caught in your throat and you could barely moan. And you let out a soft moan from the feeling of his lips on your dripping cunt. and it was driving you crazy with anticipation. He was not letting up, pushing you closer and closer to the edge.
The sensation of his lips kissing your swollen cilt was driving you crazy with anticipation, and you bit your lip to keep from whimpering. His kisses were so soft yet so intimate and sensual. You felt as though his mouth was a fire that was consuming your body, the heat radiating from his mouth as he licked and sucked sensually eating you like a man starved. You gripped the blanket tightly, trying to keep your moans quiet, yet his touch was making it impossible to do so. You were close to the edge, and it was becoming unbearable. Your reaction to him was everything he hoped for. You were reacting perfectly. You biting your lip was only making you more desirable to him. Your moans were growing louder and stronger with every motion he delivered to your pussy. He was not allowing you to feel anything but this sensation. Aemond could feel how close you were to the edge, and it caused him to moan as well. It was an incredible feeling. He wanted you to reach that point now. His kisses were getting more intense and his touch more passionate. The kiss had turned into a tease, he ran his tongue over you, your flesh as smooth as silk.
You couldn't take it anymore, and you let out a loud moan of his name, your body shaking uncontrollably with pleasure. Aemond's tongue was driving you crazy with need, and you couldn't resist anymore. Your back arched slightly as you pushed your hips against him, enjoying the feeling of his tongue. The heat inside you rose, and you felt your body grow restless and tense, wanting more and more. You had finally reached the edge, and you could not hold back anymore. Aemond had control of you in this situation, and he was going to take this opportunity to take what he wanted. There was no more teasing or playing. Your moans had driven him over the edge, and now he wanted to satisfy his desires and needs. Aemond was in a frenzy from the passion as your body quivered. He kissed you one more time and suddenly he grabbed you by the legs, pinning you down so you were unable to move. He was now going to take what he wanted while giving you more pleasure.
You gasped softly as Aemond pinned you down while moving to hover above you, the sensation of his hands on your skin sending shivers of excitement through your bones. You felt a wave of heat wash over your body, your heart rate rising as you were filled with a rush of primal desire. His hands on your body gave you a sense of powerlessness, yet his touch was filled with so much intensity and passion that it almost made you want him more. You were on the edge, and you eagerly awaited him taking you. Aemond saw the way you were responding to his touch. he understood your desires and your needs. He had never felt as in this moment as he was now. He saw the way your body heaved and your hips pushed into him. He was overwhelmed with desire and a need for you. He pinned your legs up into your chest, as it was easier to position you. He wanted every inch of you, and he intended to take you just like this.
You gasped softly as you felt the sensation of his cock stretching you out, his warm and firm body filling you completely. You felt his weight on top of you and liked the power that came with it. You could feel his hands exploring places you hadn't felt him touch before, your body quivering and your breaths coming out in soft sighs. Your body was overwhelmed with pleasure as you coupled together, the passion and energy building between you as your bodies moved together in a slow rhythm. Aemond enjoyed the control. He loved the feeling of his body against yours. He could hear your sighs and your moans of pleasure, which drove him crazy with desire. Your body was so responsive and you had no control over what he was doing. Your body was his, so to speak. Aemond could feel himself approaching a climax, this was something he couldn’t deny or fight against.
You liked the feeling of him on top of you like this again, his body pressed against yours. The power he had over you drove you crazy with desire and pleasure, the warmth and comfort of his body over yours making a feeling of protection wash over you. Your body was submissive to him at this moment, allowing him to do whatever he wanted with you. You couldn't help feeling turned on by the power dynamic between you two. The pleasure building within your body was becoming unbearable, and you were close to the edge. Aemond was in another world. All he could feel was the heat and joy he got from your body. You were so responsive and it was such a thrill to have you beneath him like this. He was enjoying himself immensely. Aemond would hold nothing back. He didn’t care if it was too intense, too much, or too strong. He just wanted to feel the ecstasy and pleasure that came with this. As you felt yourself approaching the edge once more, he would speed up the movement and his rhythm, making it more intense and passionate. With each moment that passed, he wanted you more and more. He knew you would break soon and he was enjoying every second of it. The pace of his actions and the rhythm of his motions were increasing. Your body was his to explore, savor, and delight in and he was going to do exactly that. Aemond made sure he would not finish quickly, he wanted this to last, so his strokes continued and became more aggressive.
Your breath hitched, feeling Aemond's passionate thrusts, each one sending waves of pleasure through your body. Your body was tense and stiff, as you were getting closer and closer to your climax. Your thoughts went blank, and you focused on the sensation of his cock inside of you. You grunted softly as you moved together in a pleasurable motion, the heat, and desire building up more within you. You could feel yourself reaching the edge, a deep ache inside of you beginning to build. Aemond heard your grunts and he felt you tense up. You were getting close and clenching around his member. Each moment was so intoxicating, so enticing for him. The sounds coming from your mouth told him all he needed to know. He knew how close you were, and he was enjoying every second of it. The heat inside of him was increasing, as he neared the peak himself. Your body was quivering as you were pushing yourself closer and closer to that climax, that release that you wanted so badly. You were on the verge of explosion, everything that was pent up inside you was finally releasing. Your fingernails dug into his back as you grunted softly. The sounds of pleasure were heard across the chamber. Your eyes were locked with his, You were in an absolute state of bliss.
Your bodies moved with incredible intensity, a rhythm built between you. The sounds of pleasure from you both echoed throughout the bed chambers. He held you tight, not allowing you to move away or escape his touch. He was enjoying this way too much to let you go. He was right there with you. your pussy tightened against his cock as the sensations became overwhelming for you. He could hear your breathing become heavy and rapid. The sound made him tremble with desire as he reached his own climax. He was tired and spent. He was still panting as he looked down at you. Your eyes were closed as you attempted to catch your breath. He could sense this helped but couldn't help but think. The feeling of forgiveness. He took a breath and then spoke. “Do you forgive me?” You gasped softly as you were still recovering from the intense climax, your legs shaking slightly underneath you. Your eyes locked with his again, and you looked at him with the same emotion you did when he had first taken you. You were overwhelmed with a feeling of euphoria that was difficult to describe, you were so overwhelmed you couldn't say anything for a long moment until you caught your breath and whispered.
"Yes."
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ladynestaarcheron · 3 years
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Fears All the Way Down - Chapter Six
ao3 - masterpost
Hey, babes! Here are our canon fixes for the week:
1. When Nesta was six, she met with a man who declared more or less immediately that she would forever be hopeless at playing an instrument or singing, but that she had a good ear for music. Bull.
2. Nesta is apparently so desperate for a friend that she gives the House life, but never really hangs out with the priestesses. Um. Okay? Sounds fake, but okay.
3. Both Gwyn and Emerie have never left their homes in Sangravah and Illyria, respectively, except for when the IC brings them to the library. Not exactly a fix, but something we will start to explore.
Enjoy!
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Since Nesta's accomplished virtually nothing in her life, she expects her ideas of "new things" to try to be easy to come up with. But after an hour of brainstorming in bed that Thursday evening, she only has two things scribbled in the notebook Thalia gave her: Wear yellow and Learn to play the trumpet.
"Don't suppose you have a trumpet in here?" Nesta says to the House.
The House only pulls the curtains shut in answer.
"Bedtime," she agrees, shutting the notebook and placing it on her bedside table. "I think this one-per-day rule is a bit much, don't you? Especially considering these self-defense lessons. Do you think other girls will come?" Nesta doesn't always wait for an answer when talking to the House. It tends to interject as it pleases, generally by opening doors or magicking a cup of tea in front of her. "I think that Emerie girl would like to. From Illyria, I told you about her...oh, thank you," she adds, for the House has placed the novel Nesta started last night by her pillow. "Shall I read aloud, then?"
She does, until she falls asleep.
The next morning, she draws looks from the hood-less girls and slight double-takes from the veiled priestesses; no doubt courtesy of the bright yellow dress the House had pulled out of her wardrobe this morning. She ignores them, not stopping until she reaches Clotho's office. When she knocks, Thalia's voice calls for her to enter.
"Well!" Thalia says, smiling.
"I'm never wearing this color again. It washes me out." Ruins the detox and more regulated eating she's had this past month.
"I think you look lovely," she insists, and Clotho nods. "But that's certainly your prerogative. Is that the worst consequence?"
"Yes, yes," Nesta says impatiently, waving a hand. "It won't kill me to try new things. Lesson learned."
Thalia looks over at Clotho. Perhaps she can tell what the priestess looks like under her hood, or perhaps she talks to her mind-to-mind like Feyre and Rhysand do, but Nesta almost thinks they exchange a glance of some sort. Amused, perhaps?
"Can either of us help you with anything, Nesta?" Thalia asks pleasantly, and gestures for her to sit down.
"Maybe," Nesta says taking a seat. Her cheeks color slightly as she does; why is she bashful about this all of a sudden? Around Thalia and Clotho? "I...well, I've started some self-defense, you know."
"We know." They both did, had both asked her how it was going. "You're still enjoying it, aren't you?"
"I...I am-it's good for me." Enjoy is a strong word.
"You said it helps keep you focused," Thalia says. "Centered."
"Yes. It...makes me feel good." She doesn't normally struggle with her words so much, does she? Does she sound like an idiot to the two of them, or just to her own ears? No, Clotho and Thalia would never say that about her. Never even think it. It's only her who's like this, trapped in her own wretched mind, slave to something dark and horrible and become just as vile-
But no, that isn't true. It's not just her who feels that way. And that's why she's here.
"It makes me feel more in control," Nesta says finally. "Of my life and my body."
Thalia leans back, satisfied. Clotho doesn't move. Nesta wonders if they know, if they can guess at what just went on in her mind. Either way, they both wait for her to continue.
"And I thought," she says, pausing to draw breath, "that maybe some other girls might be interested. With...Cassian."
At this, Clotho does cock her head.
"We meet in the mornings. Not on Tuesdays and not over the weekend," she adds, just so they aren't sitting in silence.
After a few moments that feel ridiculously long, Thalia says, "I think that's a wonderful idea, Nesta."
For a brief, strange moment, something happens. Nesta breathes in as Thalia finishes her sentence-not in relief or any emotion in particular, just to breathe-and as she does so, something inside of her shifts. Un-constricts.
But it's gone just as soon as it arrives, and before Nesta has time to dwell upon it, one of Clotho's notes appears. For a select group of girls, perhaps.
"Yes, I think we have the same few in mind...Of course, Nesta, you're welcome to share this with all of the students, but just between Clotho and myself, I think we'll privately encourage four or five...yes, thank you for bringing this up to us, Nesta," Thalia says, finishing with another warm smile.
Don't go just yet, Nesta, please, Clotho writes as Thalia takes her leave. I wanted to ask you how you were doing.
"I'm well. Thank you."
I'm glad to hear these self-defense lessons have something to do with that...our own lectures and exercises too, I hope?
Nesta raises her head slightly as her cheeks tinge pink. "I-yes. I think so." Clotho waits, unmoving, until Nesta sighs and says, "I do like the lectures."
Wonderful. Which ones?
Nesta answers honestly, "All of them." It's...it's quite something, to learn things. Things she never knew, never imagined, from females who are so passionate about them. "And...I like the jewelery. I like working with my hands."
I'm so very happy to hear you're finding yourself here, Nesta, Clotho's pen writes out. Have you given any thought to a more permanent assignment?
"I...thought you were supposed to."
With your input, of course. We would never want you to do something you were uncomfortable with.
But Gwyn's not comfortable with Merrill, is she? "I don't know. There's not really anything wrong with any of the priestesses, I suppose." It's only when Clotho begins lightly shaking with amusement that Nesta realizes she probably shouldn't have said that. "That is...I like them." She does. Enough.
Well, I'm happy to hear that, too.
Nesta rises, rather abrupt. "I've got to sort books," she says, and doesn't wait for a proper goodbye before leaving.
---
The amount Nesta has improved after only a few short weeks of being in the library floors Cassian. Her weight gain, voluntarily asking him for self-defense lessons, her performance in said lessons, and she still manages to find time to ask if other girls can join. Not even touching upon the fact that she's said she doesn't feel so dependent on alcohol anymore.
It shows incredible strength of character, and it makes Cassian's heart swell so much that he almost doesn't care when he meets an unfamiliar, tipsy young male he realizes must be one of the rebels in Windhaven, glaring at him.
Almost.
"What are you doing outside of your camp, boy?" Boy, he says, because he is one. He's not yet participated in the Rite.
"Visiting family," the boy slurs. "Sir," he adds, mocking.
"Go home," he orders, trying to imitate Nesta when she's at her coldest.
Perhaps it works, because the boy blanches before sneering and turning away.
He has to tell Rhys they're getting more brazen. Normally Cassian wouldn't care at all what any of them say to him-or at least, say he doesn't care-but if these pricks are bringing Nesta into it, all bets are off. He's going to follow up on whoever that was and make sure he doesn't come back to this camp until this situation is under control. Until the threat on the throne, on Nesta's life, is vanquished.
Shaking himself, he pushes into Emerie's shop. "Good morning."
She looks up. "You're back. Hello," she adds.
He gives her a smile. "Who was that?"
Emerie does not return his expression. "My baby cousin, Bellius," she says, bitter. "But never mind him." Just like that, Emerie phases out of her ire and into a cool, detached expression. Just like Nesta, he thinks. Perhaps that was why they liked each other-if they liked each other. "What can I help you with?"
"Perhaps you can help me," he says. "Nesta-Lady Nesta-you met here a few weeks ago?"
"Yes," she says, careful. "I remember."
"Well," he says, unsure of how to introduce the subject. "She's...started taking some self-defense lessons. For exercise. With me."
Emerie looks unconvinced. "For exercise?"
"And she thought you might be interested in joining. And that you have some friends who might be interested, too."
Emerie's face doesn't betray anything. She studies him, and it's been about ten seconds before she says, "Did she?"
"Yes," he says, feeling only slightly like perhaps the two of them training together might not be good for him.
"Hm," she says. After another minute of her own quiet deliberation, she says, slowly, "I will attend one of these lessons...and then I will...consult with my friends."
"All right," Cassian says, thankful that it's over. "Someone will be along to pick you up Monday morning."
He doesn't dawdle too long in saying goodbye. He has a lot to cover before Monday-figure out the best way to introduce self-defense to very traumatized, potentially, females, and now he'll have Emerie, and Nesta. What kind of dynamic will that create?
But he's been a soldier his whole life. Surely he can handle a few young females.
Hopefully.
---
Nesta has taken to carrying around her notebook wherever she goes, just in case she gets an idea of some new thing she can try. A girl named Deridre approaches her and asks her what self-defense is like, and if it's at all like the meditative yoga they do with the priestess Agata, so she writes that down. She goes to one of Daphne's lectures for the first time and learns about resuscitation and scrawls the name of a method to stop choking that seems simple enough to learn. Gwyn sees her writing and says, "You know, your finger nails are shaped so nicely. How come you never paint them?" so she adds that to her list, too.
She finds, actually, that it's quite nice to carry the book around. It's nice to have an excuse to write with such a fine pen. It's been years since she has.
Her sisters visit her over the weekend at her invitation and they are thrilled by her new things.
"I could teach you to paint," Feyre suggests.
Nesta wants to reply that the idea is to attempt things that do not make her want to pitch herself off the veranda, but instead she says, "You already tried that."
"Right," she says, deflating.
"But," she says, oddly disturbed by this response, and grasping for something to say, "maybe we can...sculpt. Or something. One day."
Feyre brightens at this. "Whenever you have time," she says, happily.
"How's self-defense going, Nesta?" Elain asks, would-be casual.
Nesta rolls her eyes. "You've heard we're inviting other girls?"
"Oh, Nesta, I just think it's such a grand idea-"
"Everyone's really excited about it, honestly, they've been trying for something like this for so long-"
"And with the Illyrian girls, Cassian said-"
"We know it's not exactly a unit, but still so impressive-"
"And we hear you're doing really well!"
"Yes! Really well! Maybe I could join you one day, too," Feyre says, hopeful.
"I'd watch. Or, or maybe even try some!"
Nesta takes a sip of water. She forgets how much noise these two make, honestly. "I don't think it's as exciting as you've imagined," she says. "Sure, you can come one day. Maybe not while the other girls...I'm a bit nervous," she confesses, suddenly. "Clotho and Thalia wouldn't let if they thought it was a bad idea, but I don't know..." She looks out onto the rainy city. The House keeps the interior warm for her, but sometimes she thinks she can still feel the cold in her bones anyway. "I mean, I'm the only one who ever leaves the library, and it could go really wrong. Obviously, no one's going to force herself to do this, and they can just no, but-uh," she finishes on a stammer, as she turns back to look at her sisters.
For there are shining silver tears in Elain's eyes, and Feyre's face looks cracked.
What has she said? What horrible thing has she done?
"No, no," Feyre says hurriedly, reading her expression.
"Sorry, Nesta," Elain says, bringing her hands to wipe her eyes. "It's just...it's just so nice to see you like this...about something."
"Oh," Nesta says, eventually.
Her sisters leave in the evening, but the likeness of their faces in her mind do not. Their expressions, their...love.
Is she really so different now, she wonders all weekend. Is she so much better? She doesn't feel particularly much of anything.
If this is better, then what had she been before?
Monday morning rolls around quickly, and she is decked in the uniform the House has supplied her and finished with a light breakfast, waiting at the arena on the roof before the sun has even fully risen.
"Nervous too?" Cassian says from behind her as he neatly lands in.
"I suppose," she says, not turning around.
"How long have you been here?"
"Fifteen minutes."
He chuckles. "Maybe more nervous than I am. Well...shall we begin?"
"No one's here yet."
"So? We can start just the two of us." He shrugs out of his jacket. "Would put us at ease, at least, don't you think?"
Us, he says. Like they are the same. They get nervous by the same things and the same things calm them down and they do it all together.
"Yes," she says, clearly needing it.
The movements come easier than on Thursday. Each time she gets better, and it is, she will admit, a rare sort of feeling. To know that she is improving at something. To feel it in her blood and bones.
Cassian's instructions leave no room for worrying in her mind. When she slips out of his holds, breaks out of his grip, all she can think of are his body and hers, anticipation of his next move and victory when she gets it right, or disgruntlement when she is wrong. They move through the steps in sync, almost like the ballet she used to study, and she is so consumed with it that she does not notice until they are done that they have an audience.
Not a particularly big one. Gwyn, Deirdre, and Azriel has brought Emerie, but an audience nonetheless.
"All right," Cassian says. "So what Nesta and I just did is called the Grunge Hook." He launches through into an explanation of what it means and Nesta blinks as she realizes he must have known they all had arrived. Seen them, heard them.
Her cheeks go cold. She can never notice anything else when he's there. Certainly not as they were; touching, talking...
"So Emerie and Nesta, and, ah, Miss..."
"Gwyn," Gwyn says at the same time Deirdre says, "Deirdre."
"Right," Cassian says. "Well, you two pair up."
Emerie walks over to Nesta and they are ready faster than the other two. Nesta tenses. They have not yet been outside-perhaps this was a mistake-what will Gwyn think of her now? She won't sit next to her for lectures anymore, won't come help her put books away-
But it is only a moment, and then Gwyn turns to Cassian and says, "I guess we should have dressed differently."
"You can wear whatever you're comfortable with," he says. "And you don't have to do anything you don't want to, either."
So Deirdre keeps her hood secured on, but Gwyn shrugs her robe off entirely to reveal simple, like-colored dress. Perhaps she'd like leggings and a skirt like Nesta's, she thinks. If she decides to continue...if other girls decide to join...
Emerie's, surprisingly, not as good at the movements as Nesta is. Surprisingly because Nesta doesn't really think of herself as good at this, just better than before, and because, well, Emerie's Illyrian, and all the Illyrians Nesta knows...
"It's your wings," Azriel says, approaching. "They throw you off balance."
She droops. "So I can't. Because I'm clipped."
Nesta flinches-it's such an ugly word. But what to say?
Azriel answers before she can, his shadows clearing from his face. "Of course not," he says, patient. "Just hold yourself this way," and he shows her how to maneuver her wings.
Emerie seems as though her emotions sway easier than Nesta's, as she appears cheered up by this. "Let's try again," she says to Nesta.
And they do, but it is not like before, with Cassian. It is not as in sync, and she is not as focused. Over on the other side, under Cassian's watch, Gwyn and Deirdre are doing even worse.
When the hour is done, Deirdre hurries back down faster than she has moved throughout the whole lesson, and Gwyn shoots Nesta a small smile, and nods her head once at Azriel, before saying, "Good to see you again," and leaving. Emerie says, "Thanks for thinking of me," and perhaps sounds a bit more genuine, but she turns to ask Azriel to take her back right after, and then she is gone too.
"Brilliant," Nesta says aloud, miserable.
Cassian looks over at her, surprised. "What?"
"Are you kidding me? That was horrible."
Cassian laughs. "Are you kidding me? That was great!"
"Enough," she snaps, skin burning. "I don't need-"
"Woah," he says, raising his hands. "Woah. Seriously, Nesta, what's wrong?"
She clenches her hands into fists. "Stop mocking me."
"I'm not!" he protests, and his stupid eyes are wide and innocent and his stupid voice is confused and concerned when he says, "Come on, why are you upset?" so she has no choice but to answer.
"They hated it and they were bad."
Cassian laughs again. A real laugh this time, with his head tilting back, and the sound echoing in the mountains. Her heart lurches. She ignores it.
"They did not hate it," he says, eyes twinkling. "And they were not bad. They're novices. Not everyone's a born natural like you, with a perfectly paired partner in me," he teases, winking, almost as though good-natured.
"They couldn't get away fast enough." Deirdre didn't even take off her hood. So much for helping other females.
Cassian's grin falters. Shit. Had she said that out loud?
He moves closer to her. "Do you know how many clipped Illyrian females have agreed to come to anything remotely similar to this?"
"You know I don't," she snaps, but he doesn't rise to her bait.
"None," he says, calm. "Emerie is the first. Do you know how long Deirdre's been in here?"
"No," she says. Longer than Gwyn, but not more than that.
"Since before Amarantha took over."
Nesta winces. Over fifty years, at least, then.
"And she came...you convinced her to come."
"I didn't," she says. "Thalia-"
"She told me," he interrupts. "She told me you told her what it was like and she wanted to try it."
Nesta stills at this. "Well...what does it matter if she just tries it once?"
He laughs-again! Why does he laugh so often? "Aren't you doing that? Trying things once? Oh, no, I don't mean it in a bad way, Nes, don't look like that. I'm just saying...okay. So it's not for everyone. Maybe she tries it once and never does it again. But it's still worth a whole fucking lot that she tried. And that's because of you. And how do you know she's not going to try again, anyway? Because she left when the hour was up?"
Nesta reddens slightly.
"Fuck," he says, and this time it doesn't amuse her, his easy swearing. "I-shit. Nesta. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings."
She startles. "I-what?"
"I just mean..." He runs his fingers through his hair. "Look. You did a good thing. Whether or not they continue, you did a good thing. And I think they will, for the record. Emerie might not want to come every day, you know, she might not have time...but I think Gwyn liked it enough."
Nesta feels something inside of her flutter. "She did?"
Cassian nods. "Definitely." He looks at her for another moment, then shakes his head.
"What?" she asks, dreading the answer.
"Nothing," he says. "I just don't understand how you can't possibly be so proud of yourself. Especially today." He shrugs slightly, completely oblivious to what is happening inside of her. That feeling from Clotho's office. What is that?
But it is gone as soon as it arrives, just like last time. He says, "See you tomorrow, Nesta," and leaves. And then she does too.
---
Cassian, Nesta learns over the course of the next few weeks, is right.
Not about her, obviously. But about the females still being interested.
Gwyn's excited about it. "I didn't realize you were so good," she gushes.
Nesta huffs in amusement. "Hardly."
"Well, better than the rest of us!"
"Just a bit more practice," she says. And there is something about the lessons with Cassian...though they don't do as much together, though, anymore. Not with the others there now. She almost wishes that she had not invited everyone for each of the lessons...maybe one morning with him just to herself.
But that's-that's just absurd. He's hardly hers.
Deirdre finds her that Monday, too, and thanks her for convincing her to go. Nesta privately wonders what on earth it was she had said that worked, because the conversation barely stands out in her mind, but she tells Deirdre she's glad to hear she enjoyed it, anyway.
"I think Roslin and Ananke would like it too," she says. "Thalia told them it would be good for them, but they were too nervous. I'll try and convince them...I didn't realize how much fun it would be," she adds with a gentle laugh.
Fun?
"Oh," Nesta says. "Oh...well, good. I mean, good to hear. I hope they...join too."
And Cassian is right about Emerie as well. She does not come on Tuesday, but she does on Wednesday, and tells Nesta she thinks she can keep coming twice a week.
"And your friends?" she asks.
"They're interested," she tells her. "But I think I have to work a little harder at convincing them."
Nesta nods, not wanting to ask what they might have stopping them from coming. Whatever happened to Emerie's wings-whoever had clipped her-perhaps those females have someone like that in their lives.
It is on the second Wednesday that Emerie arrives that Nesta asks her if she'd like to stay a while longer. She'd already asked Azriel the day before if he could possibly take her back after lunch, and he'd agreed.
There was something odd about talking to Azriel, she noticed. Something about those shadows. Something about the way they-looked?-at her. Something...
But Emerie agrees, if a bit shyly, and she asks Gwyn if she'd like to take lunch with the two of them instead of in the priestesses' dining hall, and Nesta has her new thing for the day: hosting people for a meal.
They ogle everything openly, jaws dropping as the House pulls out chairs for them and food appears as Nesta requests it.
"Thank you," she says.
"You're...talking to the House?" Gwyn asks.
"Yes."
"Oh. Thank you," she adds.
"Thank you," Emerie says quickly.
The House likes them too. Nesta can tell. There's a bit more effort being made here today, she thinks, as she notes a fancy bouquet in the middle of the table and finer china than she normally uses. Nesta smiles to herself.
Nesta searches for something she can say, a safe topic that has nothing to do with self-defense, but Gwyn beats her to it. "So, how do you two know each other?" she asks.
"Nesta came to Illyria to scare some rebels who are trying to kill her," Emerie answers casually.
Gwyn jerks her head towards Nesta. "Really?"
"Not quite how I would have phrased it," Nesta says. "But true enough, I suppose."
"Why are they trying to kill you?" Gwyn says, eyes wide.
Wonderful. What a fantastic luncheon this is.
"They don't like me very much."
"They're scared of her," Emerie says. "And they want to overthrow the High Lord and High Lady." She turns to Nesta. "What do you think of that?"
Nesta raises an eyebrow as she cuts into her food. "Of killing my sister and Rhysand? Well, I've certainly thought of it myself, at times."
They both laugh. Nesta blinks. Then she smiles slightly.
"I have to assume I'm against them," she says. "But to be honest, I don't really understand any of the politics here. I'm...not very well-informed."
"Oh, neither am I," Gwyn says, shaking her head. "It's terrible. I mean, I've lived in this court all my life, and I'm so pitifully ignorant. It's ridiculous. I don't know the first thing about Illyria, like. Or even Velaris, really. And I have no excuse. I live in a library, for gods' sakes."
"I don't know of any books I'd recommend for you to learn about Illyria," Emerie says, thoughtful. "Not unless you read Illyrian, that is."
"See, I didn't even know there was an Illyrian until you just said that. Pathetic."
"Can you recommend other books?" Nesta says, latching on the chance to steer the conversation away from the history of the Night Court and into perhaps the only topic she might be able to contribute to.
"Oh, of course," Emerie says, pausing to swallow. "What do you like?"
"Romance," Nesta says, as Gwyn says, "Adventure."
"Ooh, The Knight Society. That's both. You can read that together."
Gwyn grins at Nesta. "Book club," she says. "What's it about?"
Emerie launches into a description of the book-the series, actually-and eventually, Nesta finds herself not looking for things to say, but rather just...talking. Not forced. Not desperate. Just a part of the conversation. Easy, flowing...fun, almost.
Funny, at least. Emerie is clutching her sides laughing as she describes the worst romance novel she ever read and Gwyn giggles, her hands covering her mouth, but Nesta says thoughtfully, "That's not such a horrible idea, though."
"You think-"
"No, no, the premise is atrocious, yes," she says. "But that exact scene...that has potential."
"Potential, right," Emerie says, laughing still.
"No, I mean it," she says, but she lets it go, lets the conversation drift naturally.
She is disappointed when Azriel comes to take Emerie back, but picked up by the fact that they all are. Emerie promises to make time to stay for lunch again, either Monday or Wednesday of next week.
"This was so lovely," Gwyn says to her, wistful, as they walk down to the library together. "So much nicer than in the dining hall.
"Really?" Nesta says before she can stop herself. "Well...I eat lunch every day. You can join...if you'd like."
Gwyn brightens. "I would!"
So after two weeks of lessons with other girls (Roslin and Ananke have joined, and Lorelei and Ilana, too, though the later doesn't participate so much as watch), and more random assignments from Clotho, and new things for Thalia, Nesta finally finds herself with a few hours of quiet after Friday evening's lecture has been canceled.
"Shall we read?" she says to the House.
Lights flicker in answer. Too many for the usual yes or no. This means Nesta has to follow.
"All right," she says, standing. "To the veranda?" she asks. But it's too cold out, so she hopes not.
Instead, the House leads her to a room she hasn't been in since her first stay, upon first exploration. She has had no need.
"Oh," she says at the door, softly.
The knob turns slightly, not fully opening. The House giving her the final decision.
But she doesn't want to hurt its feelings, so she opens the door.
The music room-a conservatory, it can be called-just by the sheer size of it-is grander than she remembers. She had opened the door and not even stepped inside, that first time. Just stood there, frozen, before snapping the door shut and hurrying away.
She takes a slow step in, but almost as though she is being walked by some other being, she takes another, and then another, and before she knows it, she is seated at the piano.
Ballroom grand. Enormous. Sleek and glossy and it would sound just perfect, she knows.
Lights flicker from behind. She turns and lets out a little laugh.
"Thanks," she says, shaking her head at the spotlight, "but I don't think I'm going to be learning the trumpet this evening."
The lights stop, as if the House is acquiescing.
The lights above her now flicker briefly. So will you play the piano, then?
Nesta inhales and exhales deeply. Slowly. Again. And again. The same way Cassian has her do after lessons.
There's really...there's really nothing stopping her. There's no reason not to. If she were to pick up her notebook and write down the reasons why she can't play right now, there wouldn't be any.
So why can't she do it?
She doesn't have an answer. So with another deep breath, Nesta closes her eyes and gently presses her thumb to middle C.
The sound is soft, and then that feeling, from with Thalia and Clotho, and Cassian, hits her again. But as she hits the second note, it does not fade away. It stays this time. So she plays.
32 notes · View notes
floralseokjin · 4 years
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The swallow 
⇢ memoirs of a mistake timeline
[saga index] [drabble index]
kim seokjin x reader // smut; oral sex // 4,434 words  
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“Fffuck,” Seokjin groaned, throwing his head back against the seat, Adam’s apple bobbing. “That feels so good.” 
You hummed around his cock, moving faster, purposely making things wetter so he could hear it inside this stuffy car. In all honesty you were sick of fucking in here. It was the most inconvenient place, uncomfortable and a little bit foolish really. The thought of getting caught was always in the forefront of your mind. That and the voice that repeatedly questioned why you were hopping on Seokjin’s dick every other night… 
Tonight though, you were only sucking it. You’d had enough of getting crushed in half trying to get him to fit between your legs in the backseats, and you’d definitely had enough of being on top. You’d ridden more dick lately than you’d had hot meals. Seokjin had tried to persuade you to slide by his place and fuck there, but he lived with a friend, so you were not chancing anything. Not one thing. No one could know you craved Kim Seokjin’s cock. No one. 
So here you were, stretched over the console, pleasuring him some other way. You tightened the grip of your fist, holding him tight at the base as you drew back your mouth and started playfully sucking the sensitive tip. His hips bucked, a surprised moan falling past his lips. You repeated, liking the sound, but instead he pretty much giggled, attempting to twist out of your grip. 
“Tickles,” he explained when you looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. 
You could count the number of times you’d sucked his dick on one hand – three. Including tonight. You’d only been hooking up “officially” for little over a week. The first time had been at the house party, the second a couple of days after he’d eaten you out in that abandoned car lot, and now, when you’d gotten sick of riding dick. You were still learning what he liked, although it wasn’t hard, men were sort of predictable, weren’t they? Stick it in anything wet and warm and they’d start thrusting. 
You swirled your tongue against the underside of his dick as you made your way back down, not even attempting to take him all the way for now. You needed to ease your throat, warm up your jaw, it was already beginning to ache. You drew back again, this time trying something new. 
“Wh-What are you doing?” Seokjin panicked, body tensing as he looked down at you with wide eyes, feeling the delicate drag of your teeth up his length. 
You pulled completely off him, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand in case there was any drool. “No teeth?” You slowly jerked him off, keeping up stimulation as you talked. 
“I don’t know you well enough yet to trust your teeth grazing against my dick,” he explained outright. 
Fair enough. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to bite it off,” you laughed, dipping your head again to flick your tongue across the sensitive flesh of his cock head. His hips jumped. “But noted, no teeth.” 
You were suckling him again, lighter this time so it wouldn’t tickle him, but he wasn’t really paying attention, too distracted. “Why, do other guys like that?” 
You pulled back, rolling your fist upwards, thumb digging into his slit. He grunted in pleasure. “Some do,” you shrugged your shoulders. 
“Like, guys you’ve been with?” He prised. Eager for more information. 
You curled your tongue again, flicking it back and forth against his slit now, nodding your head. “Mmmhm.” 
His mouth was dangling open, soft puffs of air leaving him as he watched you tease him. But he still wasn’t done with the interrogation. “Your cheating ex?” 
You groaned inside. What a turn off, you didn’t really want to think about that, but you replied anyway. “Should’ve bitten it off while I had the chance.” 
“Careful,” Seokjin warned lowly, pulling back a little. “Don’t get angry while you’re sucking my dick please.” 
You rolled your eyes. “You’re safe, don’t worry.” 
Five minutes later you were attempting to stuff your mouth whole, fully concentrating as you tried not to choke or gag. You didn’t know why but the idea made you self-conscious. Seokjin was losing his mind, all lost for words and shaky under your touch. His hands were trembling slightly as he tangled one through your hair, the quietist moans slipping past his lips. There was a mutter about it being so hot, something else about how you were trying to kill him. 
When you felt your throat constrict, panic set in and you pulled off before you could gag, wiping your mouth. Before you want back, a fist wrapped around the base of his cock again, he stopped you. “C-Can I move?” He jerked his hips to explain, hand still in your hair. 
It felt nice actually. Your heat clenched at the idea of him weighting your head down. Ew. What was wrong with you? You found yourself agreeing quickly. “Yeah, okay.” 
You held your tongue flat as he started thrusting into your mouth, letting him slide to and fro to his heart’s content. He was gentle, hardly pushing deep, but seemed to be getting off on it all the same, even with a shitty view – the top of your head mostly. 
“This okay?” He asked after a few moments, and when you hummed around him in response he just about lost it. A whine like moan tearing at his throat. 
That’s when you came to life a little, lapping your tongue against the underside of his dick as he moved, even swirling it against the tip every time he thrust out. You were gaining a good old rhythm, moaning around his flesh as you went seeing as he loved that so much. The wet thrusts of his cock getting to him even more. You wished you could see his bare thighs right now, visibly see them trembling for you.  
“Ah, fuck,” he muttered, the curse word pitching as he raised his ass off the seat when he felt you dig the point of your tongue against his slit, tasting his precum. He made a noise, sounded strained, before he began to speak. “Just a heads up, but I think I’m close.” 
You didn’t acknowledge him. Even when his hips stuttered, movements slowing, you started to bob your head yourself, your throat making a strange noise as you strained. This time you weren’t embarrassed. It sent him almost faint. “Shit. You hear me?” He asked weakly, beside himself. “Do you want to, I don’t know, sh-should I cum in your mouth when I do?” 
You guessed he wasn’t shutting up. He couldn’t cum in silence. You slid off him. “Where else do you plan on doing it?” 
He hesitated. “Yeah. Good question.” You went back to work – well, your fist did. Jacking him off vigorously as he tensed up, pushing into your hold. His breathing coming out in huffs now. Thinking about it, maybe he had a point. The last two blowjobs had ended in sex, you guessed he was only checking up on what you wanted to do… Ew. Don’t say you were growing soft on Kim Seokjin. Yuck. 
Lowering your mouth to take him again, he spoke, stopping you in your tracks. “Can you... Can you do that teeth thing again?” 
You arched an eyebrow, eyeing him sceptically. “I thought you were close? And I thought you didn’t like it?” 
He shrugged. “I am and it’s not that I didn’t like it. I just think of teeth as a bad thing when it comes to blowjobs.” 
“Sometimes it can’t be helped.” 
“I know that,” he sighed at your defensiveness. He pushed his head back, looking down at you and suddenly his fingers were in your hair again, his voice almost soft when he continued. “Can you just do it again? I want to see if l like it.” 
“Fine,” you huffed. If he really wanted teeth who were you to refuse him. 
He stayed comedically still when you began lightly grazing your teeth along his cock. You didn’t do it continuously, but every now and then you’d surprise him. You could hear him breathing but that was it. Could also feel his eyes on the top of your head, staring solidly. He wasn’t really giving you much. Did he like it? Did he hate it? Was it uncomfortable? Hurting? 
You drew back, giving him one little light nip for good measure. His hips jerked. “Still a no?” 
He deliberated silently before coming to a conclusion. “I’m conflicted.” Wow, how very helpful of him. You did feel some type of glee at making him try something new though. He obviously had a curiosity there. 
He took his dick in his hand – painfully hard and flushed, looking you in the eyes. “Put it back in your mouth.” 
You smirked. “Make me.” 
“Fine.” His other hand came around to grip the back of your neck, pushing your head down so your lips could meet the head of his cock. Something ignited in your gut and pulsed between your legs, but you wouldn’t show him that. Didn’t want to inflate that ego of his anymore. 
This time he thrust into your mouth with deliberate motions, unable to wait any longer. He wanted to cum. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” he chanted lowly, hearing how wet your mouth was – how wet you were making his dick. How warm your tongue was—
He groaned, speeding up. You tried your hardest not to gag. Inside your mouth he was on fire. “It’s–I’m–It’s happening—ohhh.” His hips rode up, the pulling power of his orgasm. 
You braced yourself for the hit of cum, making sure to swallow as it came, praying there wasn’t a tonne of it, ignoring the taste. “Fuck. You’re–?” Seokjin stunned, voice weak, and you carried on until he was spent. “You swallowed.” 
You pulled off him, not bothering to wipe your mouth this time. Your lips felt all tingly and swollen, your jaw sort of achy, which was a given. Boy had a monster cock and here you were thinking you were a python. “Yes,” you replied matter of fact, sitting up to catch your breath. You caught the look on his face, in pure shock really. “What? Did you want me to spit it out the window?” 
He was still breathing a little heavy, mouth open. “No – I-I just...” He petered out, unsure of what to say. What he decided on was pretty hilarious. “Thank you.” 
You laughed. “Are you thanking me for the blowjob or the swallowing?” 
He looked away, turning a little embarrassed, shoving his now limp dick into his boxer shorts. “I don’t know why I said thank you.” And then his eyes were back on you, curious. “Do you like to…swallow?” 
Oh, good god. Why did guys always lose their shit over the swallowing of some cum? Like give it a rest, they were so easily pleased. You shrugged. “It’s meh. I just do it because it’s the easiest option.” 
Seokjin looked instantly horrified. “So you hate it? You didn’t have to if you didn’t want to–” 
“Relax. I don’t hate it. I just don’t particularly find it enjoyable.” He still looked perturbed by your honesty. “Jin. Calm down. I wanted to do it, it’s just,” you shrugged, “cum tastes gross. It’s like a fact of the world.”  
He frowned, visibly thinking hard. “I’m sure there’s some things I can eat that make it taste better.” 
You chuckled lightly. “Okay. You do that research in your spare time.” You reached for him, swinging a leg over the console to climb into his lap. He held your hips immediately,  as if it came naturally. “If I don’t have an orgasm in the next ten minutes we’re not hooking up anymore.” 
You’d already learned to wear the loosest lounge shorts possible for these “car rides” – plus no underwear. Seokjin’s hand was up one leg instantly, finding out how wet you were, although he made no clever remark which surprised you. Rubbing your entrance carefully with the pads of two fingers he slipped inside you confidently, eliciting a silent gasp on your end. You were getting quite addicted to those long ass fingers of his. Clutching onto his shoulders you moaned quietly as he started to curl and uncurl his digits. 
He looked up at you. Almost curiously – uncertainly. “Are you...” He shook his head, nearly backing out before he tried again. “Are you hooking up with anyone else?” 
Your brows creased together. “No.” When did you have time? Sudden panic rose within you. Misplaced, but there, nonetheless. “Are you?” It was really no big deal, but you’d answered him with such bewilderment you didn’t want to look a fool. 
To your relief, he shook his head. “No.” He opened his mouth to continue but stopped, straightening his digits to fuck you with them. You liked that, moaning louder, your hips beginning to bounce involuntarily, essentially fucking yourself down on his fingers. 
He chuckled. The sound was deeper, raspier, and it did something to you that you’d rather not admit. “You said you’re sick of riding my dick but here you are riding my fingers instead.”
Idiot. “Just shut up and make me cum.” 
He laughed harder. This time the noise infuriated you, but then his thumb was rubbing against your clit, sending your body rolling into his, chasing the feeling. He went back to stroking you, dragging the pleasure out of your body. He was getting good at making you cum now, learning what you liked and when to do it. 
After a few moments of silence, bar the soft wet slaps of his hand between your legs, he asked you another question, trying his best to sound light, casual. “Will you be hooking up with anyone else?”
What was this? You shrugged your shoulders. “I don’t really hook up. This is my first time doing this sort of thing.” 
“So that’s a no?”
A little smile played its way against your lips, his fingers still pressing and curling against you. “Jin, are you trying to ask me not to get with anyone else?
“It’s not that,” he shook his head, looking a little startled. “Saying it like that is… I just...” His movements stopped as he tried to think. “I just don’t think there’s a need for anyone else when we’re preoccupied like this.” 
Preoccupied? Hilarious, but you guessed you understood where he was coming from. You hadn’t even had any interest in dick before you “fell” on Seokjin’s anyway. Giving a men a break for a while, but here you were…
“I agree,” you said simply, leaning forward, starting to grind against his thumb, wanting him to start up again. Too much talking was making you uncomfortable. Plus, what was this now? Officially unofficial? You must really have that “magic pussy” (vomit emoji) like he said you did. 
“You do?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow in surprise. 
You nodded, feeling the need to joke around. “Mmhm, I can only handle so much dick at once. Especially with what you’re packing.” 
“Don’ttt,” he whined weakly, letting his head fall back. His dark hair fell into his eyes, his lips unbelievably pouty. Your gut flipped. Just as he thrust his hips up. “You’ll make me hard again.” 
You rolled your eyes, looking down at him expectantly. “You’re supposed to be returning the favour here.” 
“Sorry, sorry,” he grinned, fingers kicking back into action. You fell back into a rhythm, hips knocking into his hand. “You know... I haven’t hooked up like this before either.” 
You found yourself smiling. “That’s good then. We’re learning together.”
Jin smiled back, brown eyes warm. You liked that about him, he had friendly eyes. “We are.” 
It wasn’t surprising to you really, that he’d never done this before. He’d been so awkward in the beginning, still was sometimes actually, despite his self-assured attitude. Maybe it was all a guise, that cockiness of his, but you weren’t about to question him on it because 1. You didn’t know him well enough, despite him being two fingers deep inside you right now, and 2. – 
“Now make me cum.” You wailed, making him laugh. You were desperate here. 
Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. He sat forward to get better leverage. “That good?” He asked, moaning back quietly when that’s how you replied. “Fuck,” he muttered, apparently deciding something as he looked to the right. “Wanna switch to the passenger’s side, put the seat down and sit on my face?” 
“SEOKJIN,” you gobsmacked, totally stunned by his nonchalance. 
“What?” Still totally unbothered, except, you did start to notice a flush on his cheeks. “I find the idea really hot, and I love eating your pussy.” 
Oh, for god’s sake. The sentiment was there you guessed, it was just the delivery was not. You ignored that to ask the real question. “You’ve never done it before?” 
“No.” Oh. A bolt of excitement shot between your legs and it had nothing to do with his fingers. “Have you?” 
“Yeah, like once or twice.” It had never really wowed you, but then again, the guy had just about known what a clit was. 
You felt emptiness as Seokjin withdrew his hand, tugging on your wrist. “Come on, let’s do it.” He saw you hesitate and then hit you with the big guns. “I want to make you cum.” 
How could you refuse that? You’d been practically begging him for the past ten minutes. 
Soon after Seokjin was lying flat on his back on the reclined passenger’s seat. Your shorts slung over the steering wheel, bare and wet as you hovered over his face. He hooked his hands behind your thighs and dragged you down, kissing his way across the inside of one of your thighs. 
That was something. You hadn’t actually kissed yet. Like mouth on mouth. The situation had never showed itself. Not that you wanted to by any means, it was definitely not needed… But the things his lips were doing to your skin right now had you rethinking that. You were starting to tremble – or maybe that was just because you were nervous. You didn’t get more intimate than this really. Looming over his face, vagina millimetres from his mouth. 
You told yourself to keep quiet as you felt him finally swipe his tongue across wetness. Unable to look at him, you studied out the back window, trees and the moon your only view. Oh god. You had a sudden thought, panic seizing your body. “What if someone catches us? I’d never live it down.” 
Seokjin came up for air, his voice making your eyes fall to his face. His lips and chin were wet. Fuck him for making you feel like jello. “We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one’s caught us before.” 
“Yeah but–ohh…” You were instantly distracted, one of Seokjin’s fingers sliding inside of you as the other hand gripped your ass, nudging your forward. This time he sucked your clit between his lips, a bolt of pleasure shooting its way up your body. 
He was determined, you gave him that. Grunting and muttering to himself as he worked out what was best, using your reactions as hints. You kept thinking to yourself, this was his first time doing this, and it just sent you faint. He was burying himself deeper into your folds, pushing a second finger into your entrance, and you wanted to enjoy yourself, you really did, but now all you could see was his hair. 
“Are you okay down there?” You tried to joke, nudging your thigh against his head. No reply. Not even a grunt. “Seokjin?” He was definitely still alive at the moment, fingers still pumping, tongue laving, but… “If you’re suffocating please pinch my ass and let me kno–ahh!”
You shrieked as he lifted you up suddenly, pushing you back so he could pop his head out. “Will you quit talking,” he grumbled. “Jesus, you wanted this orgasm. Stop putting me off.” 
You blinked slowly in shock. “Sorry.” Damn, he was really taking this seriously. 
“Are you even enjoying it?” 
“Yes,” you insisted. Fuck, you just needed to be honest. “It’s just...awkward.” You’d fucked a handful of times now, but that was way easier than this. For some reason, sitting on his face made you self-conscious. It kept distracting you from the pleasure. 
Worry flashed across Jin’s face. “If you’re not into it we can stop?” 
“No,” you rushed. “No, it’s not that it’s just... I’m just...” Ugh, just say it. “My vagina is literally on your face.” 
He laughed then, genuinely amused. He took your ass in both hands and rolled the flesh. “Yeah, and I love it.” 
You felt heat rise up to your face. How could a few simple words affect you so much? Damn him. You felt him playfully bite the inside of your left thigh – payback for the blowjob with teeth probably, and you looked down at him. He was grinning. “You drive me crazy. Both sexually and mentally.” 
You tutted, but you couldn’t get annoyed, his words had melted you a little. If he was so into it then you guessed there was no need to care. The guy wanted a face full of your vagina, who were you to deny him?
“Don’t be nervous,” he told you, voice softer than you’d ever heard it. “It’s really hot.” You smiled at him. A silent thanks. “So, am I doing a good job?” 
You scooted above his face again, your smile slowly turning into a grin. “Yes.” 
His eyes sparkled, telling you he was grinning too. You just couldn’t see properly, but you could feel his tongue slipping past, curling against your sweet flesh. At the same time his wet hand slid down the curve of your ass, the two fingers back where they belonged. You gasped, sighing in pleasure as he used the tip of his tongue to circle your clit. 
Your hips copied the movement and he pulled back with a smug smirk. “You can move a little. Take this pretty face for a ride.” 
“Oh, my god,” you muttered at his shameless attitude. However, that did sound appealing… “I’ll lose my balance.” 
He took one of your hands, pulling it to his hair. “Hold on,” he told you simply. “And the other one.” 
Okay… Where had this come from? You obeyed of course, threading your fingers in his hair before he got back to work. Had he been thinking about this beforehand? Imagining it? That just turned you on even more, giving you the confidence to glide your hips over his face. Slowly at first, gently, matching the rolls of his tongue, but then his fingers started spreading you open, stretching you out, making obscene noises inside his tiny car, and all was lost. 
It was his audible enjoyment that did it. You swore he was louder than you, moaning as you sped up, took charge, enjoying it when you tugged at the roots of hair. Soon you felt him lift his legs, planting his feet down as he held his tongue flat, letting you ride until your heart’s content, his nose catching your clit, sending sparks through your body. 
You had the mild fear you might kill him, how would you explain that to the cops? Your family? His family? But then he jumped back to life, the moans falling from your throat impossible to ignore. He ate you out vigorously, messily, his own grunts making it even more enjoyable. With your clit between his lips again, your hips rocking into his fingers, you felt yourself push off the edge. Rocking through each wave of pleasure that came until you were sore and sensitive. 
You fell back onto his stomach, a weak moan still audible as you stared straight at Seokjin. He craned his neck, panting loudly. “Holy shit, that was amazing,” he gaped. “You okay?”
You couldn’t reply. He just looked so good. Hair sticking in all directions, cheeks rosy, lips swollen – wet. His chin too, your arousal shining all over his face as the moonlight hit it. 
You’d done that, and he’d enjoyed every single moment of it. 
“Fuck. I finally made you speechless.” 
Nope. He wasn’t going to brag about this. It knocked some sense into you. You attempted to kick him with your foot, using his knees as some sort of back rest. “Don’t get used to it.” 
You watched him lift the neck of his t-shirt up, wiping his face off with the inside as he chuckled. Why was the sight of that so hot? You needed help. You made to get up, attempting to crawl into the front seat so he could sit up. You were getting cramped again. Car sex was annoying.
Your hand accidentally brushed against his dick. He whined. “I’m hard again.” He’d been so distracted he hadn’t even realised. He was still actually panting slightly. 
“We’re not fucking,” you told him, wrestling back into your shorts. You needed to get home. You had a twenty minute drive back to look forward to. You swore he had to drive you halfway out of town to find somewhere safe. 
“But—
“You can wait until next time. It won’t kill you.” 
Seokjin sighed dramatically, cranking up the passenger’s seat now. You crawled over him as he made his way past the console, successfully swapping places without so much as a word of communication. “I hate you for making me so addicted. I’m googling sex positions for cars when I get back.” 
“Cars can have sex?”
He looked your way, judging you hard. “If that was your attempt at being funny you need to work on it harder.” 
You scoffed indigently. “Says you!”
He started the car, an annoying grin on his face. “Don’t be offended. Some of us are just born with natural wit.”
What a dick. You turned your head to look out the window, ignoring how uncomfortably your shorts were stuck to you. You couldn’t wait to shower when you got back. “Shut the fuck up and take me home,” you muttered. 
Seokjin found that hilarious, his laugh tinkering in your ears as he took off. “No, but seriously, there’s got to be somehow we can fuck in here without crippling ourselves.” 
He had a point. You looked at him again, his concentration on the dark roads until he turned to you quickly, full of ideas. “What if I purchase a tent?”
Oh god, what fresh hell…
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Written 2020. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020
301 notes · View notes
writhe · 3 years
Text
uhh body feels big cw for body image / weight stuff? 
i’m not sure how to write about this tactfully since this is something i don’t really talk to anyone about, not fully, and never have really tried to 
been having a lot of strange body feels, mostly good. i had a lot of VERRYYY disordered/harmful ideologies/practices surrounding food imposed on me at a very young age. it shaped the ways I’ve been able to engage with food/movement/the world around me in a way i always figured was sort of normal until i realized it really wasn’t 
it was a really alienating and isolating experience! i know it’s similar to a lot of other people’s, but it’s one that’s hard to talk about and explain and it’s also one that doesn’t feel good to describe 
but, like, I think this last year or so is the first time i’ve ever felt, like, fully comfortable in physicality. I it is also the first time since I was pretty young that I’ve just eaten whatever I want without restricting myself or making nonsensical, terrible rules and it’s felt really good. i’ve tried a lot more things. i’ve learned more about what i actually like 
and same goes for movement- it was very complicated. it was always in flux between overexertion or not doing anything at all (as a response to grief, mostly) and both of these things felt like punishments in their own right 
but, as of these last two years, i love hiking. i love walking. i love climbing, i love running, i love swimming and jumping around with halliwell. it’s just fun and i feel strong and very free. and i love that i can, like, do these things and then feel a hunger so deep without it feeling shameful and i love that i know I can just eat until i do not feel hungry and the best part is i’m doing it because i WANT to and because it feels good and not as some form of ritualistic & desperate self-harm
new feelings are arising these days. yeah, my body has changed. it still is. i gained a lot of weight when i was grieving -and i think that i had to in that it was survival and i wish it was met with, like, neutrality? decency?- and i still feel frustrated by the ways i was treated when that happened, even by people very close to me. I lost a bunch later (and, like, only after I’d worked though a lot of the restrictive habits so i’m really not trying to pedal any sort of ‘dieting and weight loss is good!’ thing here AT ALL, it was just that i want to point out that this coincided with me engaging with food/movement in a healthy and non-obsessive way)
but, like, idk, i mentioned in a group chat about wanting to go for a run after work and one of my friends, well-intentioned, was like ‘make sure you are eating and nourishing your body with food’ which was like....idk? made me feel weird. i can’t fault anyone for not understanding something so internal but it was hard not to bristle at the implication that i DON’T do that. i’m not mad or upset with anyone since obviously it was coming from a place of care 
but like....i’ve only seen my family a couple times in the past year and they want to talk about how different i look- what i’m doing, etc. outside of this, it has felt good to be honest if i do or do not want to eat something and my grandma was trying to get me to take, like, a huge tray of croissants home and I didn’t really want to. it wasn’t a stance- I’m just not a huge fan of bread and i feel bad about throwing away food that’s perfectly good. everyone thought it was a show of temperance and someone said something like “oh yeah i bet you don’t eat that anymore” and I just like....did not know what to say to that? it’s hard not to come off as combative when you gawk at something that’s supposed to be a compliment 
and then, like, my aunt pulled me aside and asked what i was doing to lose weight...like, straight up asked me if i was on a diet, and i was like, so caught off guard. i literally never ever want to try any sort of ‘diet’ again in my life. and like i wasn’t sure how to answer her question- because I’m doing literally nothing, there are no rules or restrictions. there is nothing that i don’t eat, there is nothing that I do out of some artificial obligation to creating a deficit. it’s just almost, like, if you stop torturing yourself by withholding food your body will just...stop feeling starved and desperate and you just stop thinking about it. I ended up telling her that I just started cooking for myself a lot more and figuring out what I actually really like but i felt backed into a corner and i’m still unsure how to articulate that prioritizing pleasure and fun over, like, unachievable aesthetics has kind of been the main goal versus, like, body changes that happened inadvertently as a result of making myself suffer less 
it still is very complicated. when people i haven’t seen in a while tell me i look great i don’t like knowing that they are comparing the current version of myself who has learned a better way to survive to the past version, who was also surviving the best he could. and it feels hard to not WANT to be a little showy with my body, where i feel strong and safe, but i’m worried it comes off as some sort of pointed ‘im smaller now!’ when in reality it’s just that, idk, i’ve never been ABLE to feel this good, even when i was, like, a lot smaller than i am now and was literally starving 
wrapping this up now. if you read this, thanks? 
31 notes · View notes
aerielz · 3 years
Note
Oh please could you do “just take my hand” for j/d?
Last one was so angsty I decided this one would be just straight up post-canon fluff!
The night is cold, but pleasant, and he’s enjoying himself, which is not as much of a rare occurrence as it used to be. Relaxing still doesn't come naturally, and Josh figures perhaps it never will. But he’s learned to push aside the press, and the threats, and the pressure, and congress. It's there, in his pocket, a phone call away. But for now, it is tame.
At this moment all that worries him is the air of amused understanding Toby has about him.
Donna walks ahead of them, almost bouncing on her feet, leading the way across Central Park to some place Josh’s not sure what it is, and Toby watches as her giddy form guides them to… wherever. He keeps glancing between the two of them, something clearly on his mind.
Up until Josh can’t take it anymore.
“What?,” he asks, eyes darting to Donna, mirroring Toby, as some structure starts to become clear.
Toby just shakes his head.
“What?”
“I’m just surprised you’re okay with this.”
Josh shrugs, legitimately confused. “With what?”
“You really don’t know,” Toby lets out a genuine laugh, “Your obliviousness truly is dumbfounding.”
“What the hell are you even talking about?,” he answers, just in time to look up and see what it is that they’ve been approaching all along. “Oh.”
They catch up to Donna at the edge of an ice skating rink, as she’s hooking her thumb over her shoulder to indicate the both of them to the woman behind the counter.
“Oh,” he repeats.
It’s a big and loud place, not packed, by any means, but it is tourist season: there's enough of a crowd inside the rink to lose someone in, and families and couples stand outside, too, just as entertained to watch as the ones inside are to skate. The harsh lights that light up the attraction mark a big spot in the night, making it stand out from a great distance.
It’s an impressive feat that he managed to completely miss it.
“Why did you think we were coming to the Park at this hour?,” Toby asks.
Josh takes a second. Shrugs. “Sightseeing?”
“Without an agenda…? Her?,” he points to Donna.
If she’s offended by the take, she doesn’t let it show. Donna doesn’t even turn around — she just hands the woman in front of her a few bills and thanks her when she motions for them to enter a waiting area.
Toby follows Donna into it, and Josh stays where he is, brow furrowed in a grimace.
He opens his mouth to protest, but closes it immediately.
If he thinks about it, it was rather obvious, wasn’t it? It’s entirely expected that she’d drag them into this along with her — it’s Donna, they’re in New York in the middle of winter and she’s asked him for skis that one Christmas, for crying out loud —, it’s not like it’s a stretch.
If it’s her leading the way, he’ll follow. He doesn’t care where they’re going anymore. But it’s not his blind trust in her that takes him further this time, it’s her excitement about the whole thing. There’s something different about it, something he can’t quite grasp. Josh can understand how he got himself into this position. What he can’t understand is why, when he looks at her, he sees her face light up like Time Square.
She sits down at the bench and takes off her boots to put on the skates with an ease that spells practice, and Josh observes her motions, a tad mesmerized, following suit even if the familiarity in her gestures is something he can't copy. It’s just tying a shoe, but he feels like he’s fumbling.
Donna enters the rink tentatively, but quickly glides away from the edge, gaining an easy confidence in her footing far faster than Josh would think was possible. She’s out a few feet, being soon joined by Toby, before realizing he’s not beside her. She angles her body sideways and skids to a halt, looking back to wait for him.
It's his first mistake, really — having waited for her to look back. He should've just gotten it over with while she was distracted, but, alas, now he has a proper audience.
Josh takes his first steps into the ice with way too much confidence and both his legs decide to go opposite ways, sending his butt to the ground.
Donna’s eyes widen. She tries very hard not to smile.
(And fails.)
“Oh my god, you can’t ice skate,” Donna glides back to the entrance and bends down to help him get on his feet, “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You were making it seem easy, I thought it couldn't be that hard."
"You've never done this before?,” Toby says from beside Donna.
Josh shrugs, taking Donna's hand.
"I don’t understand, you're from Connecticut.”
"What, and that’s a requirement, now?,” He has a good grip on Donna's hand, but he can't decide how exactly to stand up. Josh tries putting both his legs under himself, and they won't stay put where he wants them, sliding everywhere no matter what he does, “Jesus, why do people think this is fun?!"
“I don't know, I’m having quite a lot of fun,” Donna teases.
“Yes, but you're a sadist,” he replies.
“She's a masochist, is what she is,” Toby chimes in, taking enough pity on him to help, “Nothing else explains willingly being around you for this long.”
With Toby pulling him by his other hand Josh finally finds enough purchase on the ice to more of less stabilize himself on the blades.
It's a fragile balance. To say the least.
“Oh, god, I’m gonna die,” he all but gasps, tightening his grip on Toby's and Donna's arms, “I’m gonna die or— or— I’ll fall again and then someone’s gonna go over my fingers and. I don’t know, chop them off. Look at these things, they're deadly.”
“They're rentals, they're blunter than Lou on a Friday night at the podium,” Donna remarks.
Josh looks at her, “Bringing Lou into this will not make me feel any safer.”
“What were you doing your entire childhood?,” Toby asks.
“Studying.”
“That’s just sad.”
“Yeah, well, I know that now.”
“It takes a while to get used to it, but it's not that hard,” Donna says, “Just… baby steps.”
Both Donna and Toby let go of Josh and he stays upright, which, as far as the three of them are concerned, looks like progress.
He tries to take a step and his balance fails him, again, having him make a wild grab at whatever’s closest.
He ends up throwing his entire weight on Toby, who says, “Or perhaps just… try to stay upright for a couple minutes, you know, get used to that.”
“Well, you do it, then, if it's so easy.”
“I am doing it, in fact my ability to stay on top of ice skates is the only thing separating you from certain death, right now.”
“Listen—”
“God, you’re both insufferable,” Donna complains.
Josh disengages his grip on Toby’s arm and defiantly leans away, falling to the other side, instead, to the safety of the rails, “—I'll need five minutes tops, you'll see, I'll be skating circles around you—”
“You wanna spend the time we have on ice arguing, fine,” Donna continues, “I'm gonna try something else.”
“—I'm adaptable, it's my whole thing. Tell him, Donna.”
He turns to her for support and it's just in time to see her floating away from them.
The annoyance he feels at the insignificant betrayal doesn't survive watching her as she skates, though.
Most of the people doing rounds around them look clumsy and unsure on the ice, but Donna looks like she’s home. There’s a unique freedom to her movements, a confidence, that looks good on her. She has the turn of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips, like she does when she convinces senators to shut up and listen, but it’s lighter, here. She leans her body away from the railing to take a turn and it’s almost like there’s not a single tense muscle on her body, like she’s gliding without any effort.
Josh stays where he is, gripping the guard rail with both his hands, watching dumbly as she does not much else then make a full turn around the rink. When she’s not too far away from where she started, Donna diverts to the center of the ice, where there’s no one and the ice is even. She brings her feet closer together and her arms closer to her chest, which sends her body into a slow spin around its own axis. It’s not fast, but it’s graceful, and she looks focused on her own movements, enjoying each second, purpose behind every move — like when she kisses him, when she unbuttons his shirt, when she’s drawing her own name out of his lips.
The comparison is a little out of place, and makes him blush, but the truth is that Josh knows her joy like he knows his own. Both are, after all, intimately connected. So as he watches Donna’s happiness from afar, he lets himself feel it, too.
His mouth hangs open, when she comes closer to where he is with Toby.
"How did you—” he says, a dumb smile on his face, “How come I didn’t know you could do that?”
He sounds giddy, almost innocent in his laughter. Donna’s cheeks burn red with the effort and the effect of his gaze.
She shrugs, and turns around to face him, ”You never asked.”
“I’ve known you for eleven years. We’ve been married for two of those, how come I didn’t know you can figure skate, this is ridiculous.”
“I can’t figure skate, Josh, it's just really basic stuff.”
“You should’ve shown me this when we met, I’d have married you on the spot.”
“Would’ve shaved off six months tops,” Toby chimes in.
“I’m serious.”
“We work every waking hour, Josh, not a lot of skate rinks open at three in the morning in DC.”
“We met in New Hampshire, there’d have been a lake. Or. Something.”
“Honey.”
“I’m sorry, I’m... processing.”
“It’s not anything impressive.”
“From where I’m standing it looks pretty fucking impressive.”
“Can't believe I'm saying this,” Toby says, “But I'm with Josh in this one.”
“You're not helping, Toby. C'mon, it's really easy,” she extends Josh a hand, “I’ll show you.”
“No, I,” Josh gives her a nervous laugh, “I think I’m fine here.”
“Come on,” she insists, “Take my hand.”
He’s curious enough to consider, but, still… “You really think that’s a good idea?”
“You wanted to be a ballerina, there has to be some sort of body awareness in you.”
“You do know I never took a single ballet class, right.”
“Just take my hand,” she insists, “You’re gonna be fine.”
“Yes, take her hand, Josh,” Toby says, and his is the face of a man who knows he's about to have an inordinate amount of fun at the expense of someone else. “You're going to be absolutely fine.”
Josh gives him a look, to which Toby's smile just widens.
That silent and childish challenge is more than enough to convince Josh to actually do it. He takes a deep breath and leans away from the railing, taking both of Donna's hands, one in each of his.
“Oh, god.”
Donna brings him closer to her and grips him at the elbows, so they're more safely linked. She sinks the brakes in the ice and pushes back and takes him with her when she slides back.
“Oh, god. Oh, God, Oh god,” Josh keeps saying.
“You’re stiff as a plank, you’re gonna break something,” she says, laughing.
“Oh, God, I’m gonna break something.”
“No — oh my god — here, just—,” Donna takes one of her hands away from his elbow.
“Donna—”
“Shh, just calm down. Look here, look at me,” she says, gently laying her hand over his cheek, “Josh?”
He looks up, locking his eyes to hers.
“Just keep looking at me, okay?”
He nods, a bit frantic.
“Just relax, honey,” she says, moving her thumb over his skin.
It’s like each stroke removes something from him, something that should never have been there in the first place. The tension in his jaw instantly vanishes. He breathes a little slower.
Donna smiles, her eyes still on his, and slides her hand down, over his neck. He releases the tightness there, too.
They’ve been here before, they both have this program down pat.
When he had panic attacks in the middle of the night, a decade ago, she’d calm him down like this. She couldn’t call him honey back then, and he didn’t know she tasted just as sweet, but the routine is the same. It's Donna gliding her fingers over his skin, giving him something to focus on, taking him out of his head.
Following this practiced dance of their own creation, Donna’s hand slide down again to his chest, his heart right below her palm under layers of clothing. Josh’s entire upper body relaxes.
Less rigid, he feels less like he’s about to topple over. He can focus on the cutting winter wind on his face instead, then; and this nice sensation under his feet that's almost like floating, which is the closest he'll ever be to flying.
It's a clumsy taste of a freedom she knows a lot better than him, yes. But a taste of it, regardless.
He feels more stable, more confident, and she notices it.
Josh is not paying attention to it enough to know how she does it, but whatever it is, it sends them both spinning, like she did before. It feels good. He can almost pretend he knows what he’s doing. Josh laughs, and he's not sure why, or where it came from, but he knows it's the right thing to be doing right now.
Snow starts to fall over them, showering them in white very lightly; very slowly. Flakes dust Donna’s hair and the harsh white lights of the rink hit her from behind and cast a halo around her frame — she looks downright angelical, it’s absolutely ludicrous. He can't stop smiling.
When they come to a halt, Josh pulls her closer, touching his forehead to hers.
He thought the ridiculous part of being in love with her had been over years ago. So naive of him.
“Not so bad, huh?,” she whispers.
Her nose is cold when he kisses it. Her lips too. He lingers, her face touching his, and feels the space between them warming up.
“You’re both disgusting.” Toby screams from not very far.
Donna kisses him, this time, and he takes her bottom lip between his. There's nothing else beside the feeling of her, then, that tentative way Donnatella Moss— not being a fan of this sort of public display of affection — nibbles at his own lips, as if she doesn't have his ring around her finger.
Josh never feels his phone vibrating in the pocket of his coat. Not then, and not five minutes later when it rings again.
He’ll only remember it exists after he takes it out of his pocket when they're back in Toby’s guest room. Donna is pulling a fluffy, horrid, Christmas sweater over her tank top when he notices the screen cracked beyond repair.
“That wasn't like that this morning, was it?,” she asks, noticing it too.
“Yeah, no. I think repeatedly falling on my butt this evening has something to do with it, though.”
“There has to be some place that can get it fixed, we can ask Toby.”
He thumbs the glass and watches the mess of lines and lights flicker under the pressure. There's nothing recognizable coming through.
He shrugs. “You know how the Secret Service is with these things.”
Donna comes behind him to put her arms around his midriff, watching him play with the useless cellphone over his shoulder.
“What if it's some sort of national emergency?,” she asks.
“Sam would've called you and asked for me,” he says, “Or just let you solve it. God knows by now everyone knows you can do this better than me.”
“Damn right I do,” she plays along, kissing the nape of his neck and getting a hum of appreciation out of him, “But, seriously, honey—”
“It's our weekend off,” Josh says, turning around to pull her into his arms properly, “I have other priorities.”
He can tell she's trying to hide her relief, but Donna melts against him, a little, and a smile tug at the corner of her lips as she rests both her hands against his chest. He can still feel the lightness of watching her do spirals or swizzles or whatever-the-hell-those-were-called — can still taste that freedom he found in her smile.
(A couple of years in, but they’re both still getting used to this. To the enormity of this thing they do, and the things they’re building together, which, somehow, feel bigger.)
“I'll get it fixed when we come back home,” he tells her. Donna nods, fits herself in his embrace. “And then we'll find you some skates, and a rink, and you'll show me exactly what it is that you've been hiding from me all these years.”
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cure-icy-writes · 2 years
Note
for the fanfic ask game: F, G, K, and R maybe?
ooooooo, all right!~
F: well it said a snippet of one of my favorite dialogue scenes but. i'm just going to use this as an excuse to share a deleted scene that didn't make it into the final fic, but i'm reaalllllly proud of.
“Don’t. Fucking. Touch me,” Elle growled, stance shifting defensively. “My apologies. I won’t.” Elle watched her then a little longer, like a cornered pokemon. Cyllene stepped back, folding her arms behind her back and staring impassively. “I get to choose whether I forgive you. Not you,” the girl snarled, voice shaking. “You don’t get to force me to hug it out and make it all better. You don’t get to touch me without my consent. You don’t get to control me. This is your first, and only warning.” “I understand,” Cyllene said. Then, quieter, “I truly am sorry, but words are cheap from the mouth of one you do not trust. So I will prove myself by action.” “Okay. Thank you.” Just a flicker of an expression crossed her face, then the sky-faller was gone.
This scene is like. GAH. So much righteous anger, and it hammers home one of the major points of Elle's character-- that all her life, touch has been used as a tool to manipulate her, and even if the touch isn't sexual in nature, her consent still matters and she's not going to take shit from anyone anymore.
G: Ah, yeah... Well! I write very much out of order. Skipping around and moving with the motivation, then filling in later, works best for me. I also have an odd little habit where I'll churn out dialogue, then go back and add tags for it. I guess dialogue is easiest for me? I imagine the back and forth, and then I turn it into prose later.
K: Ohhhhh boy..... the angstiest idea I've ever had. Listen I was an edgy child when I started out. I was going through it and consider it kind of an edgelord thing, because yeah while I wrote some deathfics they were more shocking than interesting. In more recent times....hm. Unsure what you would consider angst? I have a Fucked Up AU with some friends where a character gets uh. well they get cursed, then arrested, then restrained and gaslit a whole bunch while their blood is being stolen, then kidnapped and used as a blood bank while their medication is being witheld to keep them compliant, then their parents show up and they might get concussed and then they're almost buried alive. By said parents.
R: Any writers I consider an influence.... hm. Well, say what you will about jk rowling's abyssmal worldbuilding, use of sketchy tropes, and transphobic rhetoric, and you'd be absolutely right, but I do like her flow and pacing. There's also @highabovethecloudssomewhere, who hasn't been active in a while as far as I know, but her works hold very fond memories for me, as does the community formed around them. And then, of course, Leslie Feinberg and Stone Butch Blues. I aspire to that level of poetry, because dear fucking god that shit was raw and Jess was a very heavy inspiration for Hilda from Reshiram's Perdition. Kafka Asagiri's Bungou Stray Dogs, for the literary references and deeply fascinating takes on the cycle of abuse, as well as. Well. Atsushi my beloved catboy, may he please get some fucking therapy he literally has C-PTSD. Oh! And @collabwithmyself has influenced my writing and worldviews lately-- namely, i've picked up a few tropes from him. Weight gain as a form of healing and catboys/catgirls as a metaphor for neurodivergency my beloved! Oh, and I absolutely picked up my enjoyment of horror from the magnus archives, so i suppose jonny sims? seems like he grew disaffected with the work near the end, but i really hope he's doing okay and grows to love it again, flaws and all.
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nymphigeon · 4 years
Text
Someone you love(d) || KTH
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• Pairing: Taehyung x Reader(f)
• Genre: break up au, angst with a happy ending, fluff? (just a lil' bit at the end :))
• Rating: PG
• Words: 7.2k
• Warnings: swearing, mention of weight, they kiss like once, if you don't like cheesy things....skip this one lmao
• Summary: You thought he loved you, you really did, but the way he left told you something else.
Or alternatively;
Taehyung is an emotionally constipated idiot who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.
• A/N: Okay it took me waaay too long to write this, I'm so sorry T_T I really wanted to get this out earlier, but well things happened....
I only proofread this like once and had some trouble getting everything into the post properly so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes!  Please let me know if you find any so I can fix them asap.
Thank you for the request @mytaetaey​! I hope it matches your expectations!!!
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It honestly hasn't even been that long since the day he showed up at my house.
"Let’s break up."
Although I really wouldn't be able to tell you how much time had truly passed.
"W-wait why?"
Days felt like weeks, weeks felt like months. Everything just seemed to last a lot longer than it should have.
"Did I do something wrong? I-I can fix it, just tell me!"
It might have happened last week, or the week before that. Wasn't it three weeks ago?
"No, no you didn't do anything wrong y/n. I'm sorry this just isn't working out."
Bottom line is, the passing of time hasn't really been on my mind. Any day without him is a day lost, a day to forget about.
"What do you mean this isn’t working out? I thought we were doing well together..."
I remember the confusion that went through me. All of a sudden the four years we spent together seemed to have disappeared.
“You thought wrong.”
He had been acting weird for a while, never quite getting close to telling me what was going through his mind. I hadn’t anticipated it ever ending like this though.
“Not everything you believe is a fact.”
The years I had to get to know him ended too soon. They went by so fast, they might as well have been non-existent.
"I... why? I don’t understand…
This all came too sudden. Just a few days before he had been laying on my bed, smiling as I told him about my day.
"I just don't feel the same anymore."
I just needed a little more time. A little more time to adore him. A little more time to say goodbye.
"I don't love you anymore."
But I still did do. He didn’t seem to care though. After he took care of me for a while, he decided I’m not worth it. Not even as someone who he just passes by.
"It's best if we don't see each other anymore."
If you cherish what you have you'll never be left unsatisfied.
"Goodbye."
I did. And it broke me.
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“Y/n? Helloooo?”
My daydreams get interrupted by a waving hand in front of my face, followed by a harsh flick against my forehead.
“Ouch! Mina that was too hard!” Both my hands shoot up to the stinging spot between my eyes, one to prevent the evil hand from handing out another flick, the other one to rub at the red spot forming.
“Class ended a few minutes ago, you should probably pack up. Really, did you just stare off into space for the entire class?” Spotting my close to empty notebook, Mina sighs and shakes her head. She’s trying to look disappointed, but under the scolding exterior she’s putting on, there is a hint of pity.
It’s not the first time this week that not a single word has made it into my notes. Each time again the pages are either filled with lazy doodles and meaningless scribbles, or a space of absolute nothingness, not even a drop of ink staining the white paper.
“I’m sorry, I really did try to pay attention, but you know I hate his classes with a passion.” We both know that’s not the reason for my absentness, and neither of us speaks up about it. It’s what I requested myself, not being able to cope with the sadness I was causing my friends to feel. They care too much, I don’t want to burden them for too long.
“I know sweetheart, you did do your best. I’ll send my notes later, if you want I’ll help you understand them too.” Though no matter how hard I try, I still rely on them. They keep convincing me to, their kind souls not being able to leave me alone.  “If you could I’d really appreciate it.”
A sweet smile appears on Mina’s lips as I accept her offer, being more than happy to help me. She has always been the type to give more than she received, and despite me believing she deserves more than she gets, I adore her for it. “Of course, any time.”
I finish packing my belongings into my backpack, first making sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving the classroom with Mina close to my side. She talks about everything and nothing as we roam the spacious hallways filled with tired looking students. I wouldn’t be surprised if more than half of them slept until the end of their lectures.
Most of Mina’s words fall on deaf ears as I think back to the thoughts that occupied my mind the entire time my teacher was trying to explain the principle of quantum mechanics. I wouldn’t have understood it regardless of whether I was paying attention or not by the way.
“Ah you don’t have any more classes today, do you?” An unannounced weight falls on my left side as Mina whines into my shoulder, effectively bringing me back down to earth. Some brabbles about life being unfair escape the muffled sounds she produces, clearly not looking forward to the rest of her day.
“I’m going to be so lonely, me and Daeun aren’t allowed to sit next to each other anymore.” Mina raises her head to catch some air, her hands still clinging to the fabric of my shirt. The scowl on her face isn’t hard to miss, as she isn’t doing much to hide it.
“I was just going to head home straight away.” On any other day I would’ve probably teased her, wishing her good luck while I go and enjoy the free life. Today however, I don’t. My face stays in it’s boring resting position, even as Mina waits for the non-existent twist at the end.
It doesn’t take long before she finally sees I’m not poking fun at her. The moment of realization is clear, her whiny expression disappearing and her hands falling back to her sides. “Oh.”
“Well since it’s Friday how about I come hang out at your place when I’m done here? I’ll drag Daeun along with me too.” Mina’s voice is unsure, scared that I’ll reject her offer. A thick tension hangs in the air as we both wait for my reply.
I want to be alone. I want to be able to overthink in peace without others insisting that my mind is wrong. Though on the other side, I do know that I’ve been pushing them away. All the more reason for them to worry about me.
“Yeah sure.” I manage to convince myself to decide on the option I’d like the least. Somewhere I may be hoping that I’ve been missing out on a distraction I needed. I will never know until I experience it.
“Great! I’ll bring snacks too, let’s make it a movie night!” And off she goes, not waiting for any kind of confirmation from my side. Most likely it’s a way to keep me from refusing, forcing me into a situation that’s best for me, according to her.
I might not be looking forward to the events to come, but even I can’t deny the dull blossoming of my heart. The corners of my lips tug up, together with a hand to wave the girl off.
Yeah, perhaps, just maybe, I’m excited to spend some time with them.
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I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight? Did I not text him enough? Was I going down the wrong path?
No matter what I wrote down, which new question I thought of, it didn’t seem right. Crumpled up paper balls and clothes littering the apartment show of the frustration occupying my mind.
No aspect of me changed for the worse. I’m still the same healthy weight, we texted almost every day, and I’m running up the path to a successful career. There is nothing wrong with me, so why am I blaming myself so heavily?
Because for some reason I believe that if I had done things differently the outcome would have been better. Because maybe he would’ve changed his mind if I reacted differently. Because it could never be him who was in the wrong.
A knock on the door and the pen I had been holding drops. Focussing on the paper in front of me once more, the harsh worded sentences ending in large written question marks stand out. I’m yearning for answers to questions I don’t even understand myself and it’s terrifying.
Three knocks on the door this time and I’m up, quickly discarding all the papers littering around. Some I tear to pieces, making sure none of the written sentences are visible anymore, others simply get hidden.
The door creaks as it opens, broadcasting it’s old age to the world. I should probably replace it sometime before someone decides to break in. Not that there’s anything worth taking here, I am a student after all.
“Hey dea- Oh no you look horrible.” A slight gasp interrupts Daeun’s cheery greeting when she notices the birds nest that is my hair. After having acted out all my annoyance on the poor strands, they’ve taken to each other for comfort, gladly intertwining. To my dismay, of course.
“I feel horrible. Come in.” The chuckle meant to lighten the statement doesn’t do it’s job properly. Both don’t say anything more as they enter the tiny apartment I call home, but they might as well have been screaming ‘I feel sorry for you.’” If they won’t do it, their faces definitely will.
“I won’t let any of you chose a movie tonight, I’ve got way too many good ideas.” Mina drops the overfilled bags she was holding on the dinner table while she talks. From the few items that stick out it’s safe to deduce that they’re filled with snacks to the brim.
“Also I was thinking we could order some pizza for dinner. All on me, I just got payed.” Like she owns the place, Mina reaches for several bowls high up in the cupboards of the kitchen. “We’ll use these tonight..” She says it more so to herself than to anyone else, not bothering to ask me anything. Not that it was really needed, I would have given her permission anyway.
“How was your day?” Sitting down next to Daeun, who has made herself comfortable on the couch after walking in, I try to start a basic conversation. Even though I’m not particularly in the mood for anything, I decide it’s probably best to try before I ruin the fun.
“You shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay, you know.” My question is completely ignored, switched for a statement that sets a heavy atmosphere in the room. The little excitement I had for their visit disappears. Instead, irritation starts taking over.
“Look Daeun, I-”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but this is not the way to cope with whatever may be happening inside you right now.” The tone she uses tells me she isn’t about to back out anytime soon. I hate it, hate how she feels like she can tell me what’s best for me.
“If this is what you came here for then I think it’s best that you leave. I’m not playing around here.” I turn away from the both of them, showing my back instead. This was supposed to be a fun evening to get my mind off him. Turns out, it’s the exact opposite.
“She’s right y/n.” It didn’t sound like Mina initially wanted to talk about this. She has always been unsure of when and how to address things, usually rather staying silent. With the right help however, Mina too will spill her words.
“This will always be a part of your life now, no matter how hard you try to erase it, you can’t. I know you’re hurting, and you’re allowed to feel hurt, we just want to help you. We’ll distract you all you like later, but for now, just confide in us please?”
It’s the way I feel both of their eyes burning into my back, the way she isn’t exactly sure how to convey her thoughts, though has the best intentions, the way a gentle hand softly lands on my shoulder. Sooner or later the dam would have broken. Apparently that time has come.
“I gave up so much for that guy! I moved to a more expensive apartment closer to his so we could see each other more, I started working more hours so he wouldn’t need to pay every time we went out together,” I never really got the chance to complain about the negative side to the changes I made, always feeling like it should be worth it, since I did it for him.
“I studied late into the night just so I had time during the day to hang out with him, do you know how much sleep I lost? I couldn’t even go home to my parents regularly anymore, for the distance was too much.”
Not exactly having expected me to rant so much, the two girls seated next to me stare in surprise. Never have I expressed any discomfort with what I was doing, always plastering a smile on my face.
“I don’t even mind that he broke up with me, I mean I do, but he was so cold! I had done my best to keep things going between us and he just gives me an ‘oh I don’t like you anymore’ like it’s common sense. I didn’t even get a thank you for all those years or a sorry for breaking it off! I just wish he’d…”
I take in a deep breath after having forgotten to breathe for the past minute, all the tears I kept in finally making an appearance as my anger get replaced by the same sadness I felt all those days ago.
“I just wished he’d at least given me reassurance I hadn’t been a waste of his time.”
The volume in which I spoke had drastically lowered, coming out in an almost-whisper. All the objects in front of me blurred as a non-stop stream of tears made it’s way out, my cries just mere silent sobs.
The hand resting on my shoulder becomes an arm pulling me into her side, the rough material of her shirt revealing her identity. Daeun doesn’t say anything as her other hand strokes through the strands of my hair, detangling any knots on the way.
For a moment I feel guilty about the tears wetting her shirt. It’s when she pulls me against her a little tighter that the feeling disappears, giving me the opportunity to fully bask in her embrace.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Feeling left out, Mina pats my thigh and breaks the silence. “You worked hard didn’t you? Because you loved him.” I can hear her clothes rustling first, before her arms too wrap around the space Daeun left.
“I still do.” No matter how much I try to forget about him, I can’t seem to do it. He has engraved himself into my mind, forever stuck. If he’d ever leave is a mystery, though for now, it seems impossible.
You know what? Fuck you Kim Taehyung.
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“Dude, what do you want for your birthday?” It’s Jungkook who has slammed down my door and completely disturbed my peace.
“Huh? Nothing in particular really.” Despite the rude entrance, I don’t look up from my tv screen, having already gotten used to the lack of announcements before he comes in.
“Didn’t you ask me that already two days ago?” Once again ignoring any form of politeness, the younger one makes grabby hands towards the bag of potato chips laying next to me. I don’t make any move to stop him, knowing very well I can’t win from him in a fight, ever.
“Yeah because I thought maybe you changed your mind. Usually you’re so excited for your birthday, but you just seem so… Unenthusiastic?” There is almost no way to take him seriously when he’s scarfing down my dear food like it’s water. Surely when were out next time I’ll make him get me a new bag.
“Well yeah that’s because…” What exactly was I going to say?
Finally grabbing his full attention, Jungkook puts down the bag of chips and lets himself fall down next to me. “Because?”
There is no mistaking his smirk for a smile, although he does his damn best to hide it. He knows exactly what I was about to say, and I’m not about to admit anything.
“Because I realized it’s nothing to be overly excited about. That’s it.” Challenging Jungkook to prove me wrong I stare right back at him, not planning on chickening out any time soon. It seems to have worked, as he looks away first.
“Ah is that so? I’ll just see if I can find something you’ll like myself in that case.” The boy who has silently admitted defeat removes himself from the couch, moving to his room at the other side of our apartment.  “Good luck buddy.”
No longer having to pay attention to him, I rewind the movie I was watching back. That muscle bunny just made me miss the absolute best part.
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“So why exactly are you dragging me to town again?”
It’s not too busy today, which should have been a given as it’s a normal weekday. Everyone is either yawning behind a desk or running around in circles depending on their career choices. Compared to them, I’m making the worst possible choice by letting my best friend convince me to skip class for a reason I wasn’t even familiar with.
“I’m having none of this ‘I don’t care what you get me’ nonsense. We’re going to find something you like, and that’s why we’re here.” Jimin takes a pause from pulling me along by hand to put both of his on his waist like a proud toddler.
“So in other words, we’re here so I can choose my own birthday gift?” Slowly I begin to understand how much of a waste of my time this is. I could’ve been doing fine trying to understand whatever Mrs. Wilson wanted to go over today, but instead I’m going to be reminded of my ex all day. Great.
Well, if she was still here it wouldn’t have mattered whether I knew what I wanted or not, she always had something great for me, and I always looked forward to it. Once she jokingly told me how she felt pressured, having to live up to my expectations. Though honestly there was nothing for her to live up to, I liked her gifts because she gave them to me. Because she always managed to make each and every birthday a fun one.
“Any ideas yet? Jewellery, clothes, games… Wait, nothing too expensive, I’ll go broke!” Jimin’s sudden panic manages to bubble up a chuckle in me. He doesn’t really seem to appreciate it though, as he scowls at the sound. “What? Your taste is too expensive!”
He knows me well it seems. Not that it was ever a real secret. When the contents of your closet is worth more than someone’s rent several times anybody would want to show that off right? Well so do I.
We walk into several stores for inspiration. No real shopping haul, just a quick in and out with Jimin trying to get a reaction out of me by stuffing things he thinks I like into my face. So far no real success, my only reaction being something along the lines of ‘ah yes that looks nice’ at everything he proposes.
It’s not like I’m purposefully trying not to find something I truly like, but more that honestly nothing catches my interest. And I promise it’s not even the price, some of my most prized possessions are the cheapest things I own. This just isn’t doing it for me.
After having been pulled into the what feels like the hundredth store, my stomach decides to make the loudest noise known to mankind. “Can we like, maybe take a break?” There is no doubt that my face is bright red at this moment, instantly heating up when Jimin laughs equally as loud.
“If you were hungry you should’ve just said so. Let’s go find something to eat.” Is probably the only sentence he said today that I’ve fully agreed on.
It sounded so easy, just find somewhere to buy food. Unfortunately, getting our tummies filled wasn’t written in our future so soon. No matter where we look, everything is either closed or completely full with customers. Who knew so many other people were hungry at this moment. Not like it’s close to dinner time or anything.
Eventually, I manage to convince Jimin to eat at a small fancy restaurant down the street on my expense. Despite him agreeing after a few attempts, a set pout is still present on his face, which doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Together with some murmurs about how this isn’t fair, he makes himself look incredibly adorable.
Soon however, I would come to regret my decision. The fancy tablecloths and nicely plated food wouldn’t be looking so appealing anymore. Because even if I had convinced my mind of the truth my constant lies hold, there was simply no way for me to convince my heart too.
“Hey isn’t that y/n and… I don’t think I know him.”
The male opposite her had somehow won her over with that stupid perfect smile he wore, his eyes an annoyingly beautiful ocean deep blue and his blonde hair styled in an awfully neat way. Everything about the sight annoys the heck out of me, including the way she was smiling back at him. Why does she look so happy? When was the last time I saw her like that?
“Oh are they… I’m sorry Tae.”
I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who walked out with a load haven fallen off of my shoulders. I was the one who ran even though she cried. There is no reason for me not to be completely fine.
“I don’t care, she can do whatever she wants now.”
So then why am I the one hurting this much?
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It came sooner than expected, my birthday. Just sort of snuck up on me. After the restaurant incident Jimin himself magically decided to end the shopping trip and go home to eat. Nobody ever mentioned my birthday again in the following days.
It was pretty clear that someone had told the others about what happened, although none of them spoke about it. That someone obviously being Jimin.
“Soooo… any plans for the day?”
The question comes from Jungkook, who is fidgeting with the hem of his oversized hoodie. He stands quietly in the doorway to my room, waiting for an answer he already knows.
“Go to class and study after.”
“You’re not going out of the house? No party planned?” The suffocating nervosity radiates off of him in waves, displayed by the still ongoing fidgeting and his eyes that can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time.
“Nope, no other plans.” I sit up in bed, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be getting any more sleep. Despite him looking like he’s scared I’m going to get mad, he doesn’t actually give up, which isn’t appreciated on my part.
“Well the boys thought we could maybe go out together, get a few drinks.” On any other day besides my birthday I would’ve most likely agreed to the plan. Today however, I can’t help but relate every proposition to my birthday, which I, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, want to forget about as soon as possible.
I had already given him enough opportunities to stop. All it would take was leaving me alone. His constant persistence ends up getting to me, successfully causing me to snap at the younger boy. If he expected an outburst, he’s getting it.
“Why the fuck does everyone expect me to celebrate today? If my birthday is the day on which I can do whatever shit I want then let me do whatever I want!” It wasn’t meant to come out that way, and the guilt sets in the moment I realize it, but I don’t have time to apologize.
“Dude, you seriously need to do something about your feelings for y/n.” He sighs the words as he casually leans against the wall, his arms crossed. In an instant the awkward energy around him disappears, replaced by a very prominent eye roll. It’s not hard to guess that this has been on his mind for a while.
“Don’t mention her. This has nothing to do with her.”
“This has everything to do with her and you know it.”
I don’t have anything to say against that. We both know it’s the truth, though only one of us is trying to deny it. The dumb one.
“You know what I think? You spent your past 6 birthdays with the girl of your dreams and now that you pushed her away you have no idea what to do. Am I right?”
He is. I don’t say anything as my head lowers, slowly realizing there is no hiding anything from him. She’s still on my mind. I still wonder what she’s doing, where she is, if she’s safe. I still care. “You’re right.”
I broke up with who I considered my other half, convincing myself that I didn’t need her anymore. Who exactly was I trying to protect?
“I had to, I’ll hurt her.” I already did.
“And suddenly breaking up with her is supposed to make her happy?” I was hoping it would in the long run.
“You’re not the same as him.” Though I am. The same parents, the same group of friends growing up, the same sense of humour. We got along so well. What if we still do?
“He’s my brother Kook. We were so alike. You know he once too adored her.” We don’t talk anymore, I’m disappointed in him. He would’ve been too. I don’t understand what changed.
“He used her, nobody saw it coming. The signs were there, he just hid them too well.” Jungkook leaves his spot against to wall to comfort me, tucking my head into his neck.
“You’re not him and he isn’t you. The fact that you no longer want to be associated with him proves everything. He didn’t care about Hyeon.” So he can look straight at me, he pushes me away with his hands on my shoulders. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious.
“You love her, and you’ve got to fix this mess.”
I don’t like agreeing with him, but once again, he’s right.
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As soon as I open the door I want to slam it right back into his face. Or I might want to run into his arms, I can’t decide yet. Regardless, I wasn’t expecting Taehyung to be standing on the other side when the doorbell went off.
“Umm… Hi?” All the words that have been building up in my personal dictionary seem to disappear the moment I lay my eyes on him. He still looks as good as the last time I saw him, even though the circumstances were heart-breaking.
“Hey, um I’m sorry I showed up unannounced. I didn’t really think this through…” Everything about him screams awkward. From the way his feet are pointed slightly more inwards than normally, to the way he doesn’t seem to be able to smile naturally. Instead there is this weird, tight expression on his face.
“Oh um… Would you like to come in though?” I don’t wait for an answer as I step aside, my memory helping me remind that nine out of ten times the answer to that question is ‘yes’. “Oh yeah, thank you.”
“Do you want anything to drink?” Not really having anything to say I cycle through the set few sentences I usually need when I have someone over. I’m not happy that he’s here, but I’m not the type to lash out at people.
“Ah no, I’m okay. Look I’m just going to get straight to the point, I messed up big time. I got insecure and closed myself off to everyone including you and I’m so fucking sorry that I did.”
My lack of reaction surprises me. Sure, my insides are doing somersaults, but I don’t feel the need to express any of it. Like an unused sheet of paper, my face stays blank. “And now you’re here to win me back I presume?”
Somewhere in between his statement and mine, the tables shifted. Slowly, I’m gaining the confidence he is losing.
“Well, not really, I mean yes, but-”
He catches himself rambling, shutting his mouth before any real nonsense can make it out. Taking a deep breath helps, the words coming out more fluently after. Not a great start, but it’s okay. I have patience. Sometimes.
“I just wanted to let you know that the words I shot at you that day weren’t true. I hurt you and I didn’t want those words to roam your mind not knowing they weren’t even close to what I was feeling.”
The deep breath he drew in earlier escapes in a deep sigh, followed by his mouth opening and closing a few times without any sounds making it out. “And?” It was meant as a way to encourage him to continue. Sadly, it came out rather rude.
“I do still care about you, damn I still love you more every day. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you please let me know, I don’t want to have to live in a world where my last words to you made you cry. Obviously I would want a second chance at being the proper lover you deserve, but you’re in charge here. If you want me to walk out the door I will.”
There’s a hopeful look in his eyes making my heart beat erratically. In the past I would’ve instantly dropped to my knees, making sure every wish of his came true. I am no longer that girl.
“Tae it’s been months, you can’t just suddenly drop by and tell me you’re sorry. I spent days wondering why you broke up with me, wailing over the fact that you suddenly just didn’t care anymore, and even now you’re not giving me an answer. Why did you suddenly turn your back on me? Why did you not talk to me about whatever was bothering you? Even now you’re making me feel like you couldn’t trust me. Fuck, you just left me there like I was a piece of trash!”
What was once a hopeful look in his eyes, turned into defeat. He won’t give me an answer.
“You can’t just come in here exclaiming to love me after I’ve worked so hard to get myself over you. You can’t just come in here trying to steal my heart when I’m learning to give it to somebody else.”
“The blonde haired dude?”
Perhaps I shouldn’t feel a sense of accomplishment at the clear jealousy in his voice. However, this man did break my heart in two for apparently no reason. Is it weird I would want to get back at him a little?
“His name is Yejun and he’s a great guy. Look, just leave please. I have nothing more to say or hear. We’re done.” Turning away from him I mark the end of this conversation. It takes a while before there is any movement behind me. Slow steps make their way to the front door before pausing.
“I hope he treats you well, but I’m not going to simply give up on you like that.”
And secretly, I was hoping he wouldn’t.
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Two, three four days, before I realize it it has been an entire week since I last saw him. Some part of me is scared, scared that he has decided otherwise and I will never hear from him again.
I had told myself getting over him would be easy when I finally accepted the help of my friends, and for a while it was. Or so I thought, because the moment he walked in here I was right back to square one.
I’m in the middle of working on a new project when the doorbell rings. Standing up, I go to open the door wondering who it could be. If he had come back for me after all. Too bad I would soon be disappointed, as the man standing in front of my door was just an ordinary mailman.
“Umm I didn’t order anything?” My eyes fall on almost gigantic package behind the man. If I ordered some furniture I would’ve surely remembered right?
“Are you not y/f/n y/l/n?”
“No I am.”
“It clearly has your name and address on it miss.”
The building up confusion hasn’t left my head yet, but knowing there is nothing else I can do I decide to accept the package. After thanking the courier I close the door and carefully carry the big box into my living room.
The moment I open the big thing up, a bunch of big balloons float up to my low ceiling. There’s a transparent one with little hearts bouncing around inside, one that’s just one big heart itself, another one has the words ‘I love you’ written on it in a neat font. If I hadn’t checked my calendar this morning I would’ve thought it was valentine’s day.
Diving deeper into the box I find a relatively big fluffy teddy bear, hugging what seems to be a letter in a white envelope.
‘When I was 16 a miracle happened, I met the most beautiful girl. Me not being able to contain myself I immediately introduced myself to her. She said he name was y/n. I think it was back then that I decided her voice was my favourite. I was too much of a coward to ask her out at the time. I eventually did, though looking back I wish I did so sooner. There was never a boring day with her by my side.’
That’s all there is. Just a few words on an otherwise empty piece of paper. No signature at the bottom, no name, and still I knew exactly who wrote it.
The next day another package came in. This time a different set of balloons, a different stuffed animal, but the exact same white envelope.
 ‘When I was 22 my brother and his fiancée broke it off. Just like the piece of shit I have to call my dad he betrayed his partner’s trust, cheating on her without a second thought. My mother heard about it and accused both of us as being just like our father. You know after a while, I really started believing her.’
Each day a new box would come in, always containing a present with a letter attached.
‘I was terrified of hurting you, terrified of you seeing me the way my mom did, so I hid everything from you. I should’ve known that I can’t hide anything, you know me too well. I panicked and left you, the biggest mistake I could ever make. One that made everything that was already happening so much worse. I tried telling myself I didn’t need you, but I just couldn’t.’
I believed him, believed in the words he wrote down.
‘I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. It’s all my fault and I’ll spend forever owning up to my mistakes. I love you and I don’t want to live without you. Please just give me one more chance to prove myself to you. One is all I need.’
I’m sorry Yejun, I can’t forget about him after all.
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Actually he should be the one who is nervous, and well maybe he is, but I’m the one standing on his front porch with my knees shaking and my heart beating right out of my chest. At one point I was even scared he would be able to hear me through the door.
Shaking my head I gather all the courage I can to knock on his door before I turn around and run back in the direction I came from. However, when I hear the sound of my fist on the hard wood I briefly still consider hiding somewhere.
Luckily I don’t get the chance to. While still going back and forth between the options staying or coming back some other time, the door creaks. I stiffly force my hands to stay still at my sides. The time it takes for the door to actually open seems like an entirety. If you were to count the passing seconds it would at most be like 5, which doesn’t sound like much, it feels like much.
“y/n?” His stance looks like a ‘what are you doing here?’, but his eyes give more of a ‘please say you’re here to forgive me’. Well, the latter would be right. “Can I come in?”
“Y-yeah of course.”
It’s not hard to notice that he is uncertain of his actions. It pleases me on one hand, as it gives me some sort of confirmation that he doesn’t want to make any more mistakes around me. On the  other hand, I don’t like seeing him uptight around me. I wish he was more comfortable when I’m near.
“I received the letters you wrote.” He knows I received his letters, he was the one who wrote them and sent them out. Surprisingly though, he almost audibly swallows at the information like he did something bad.
“Why couldn’t you tell me in person?” It takes me back to the day he suddenly landed on my doorstep. Even when I explicitly asked for it, he gave me nothing.
“I was scared, I couldn’t get the words out. I wasn’t at all prepared.” He takes a pause before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just didn’t know what else to believe at that point.”
Carefully, I reach out my hand to place on top of his laying on his lap. I don’t touch his skin yet, patiently waiting for him to give me some sort of consent. It comes in the form of him softly raising his hand to meet mine.
“I know, we all have our insecure times. You’re not obligated to tell me anything. I can’t and shouldn’t force you to. I’m sorry I doubted you. I was only upset about the way you left.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I thought that if your last memory of me was a bad one you’d forget me faster.”
It didn’t work the way he wanted it to, but he already knows. Already having been hit with that fact multiple times, I decide to spare him. I don’t mention it again.
“Did you ever stop loving me?” At the time it seemed like he did. Like he wasn’t simply acting, like those harsh words were what he truly felt. “Be honest please.” I don’t want any more lies. I’ll accept whatever comes out, even if it throws me right back to where I started.
“I-I don’t know… I really thought my mother was right. That what I had for you wasn’t what it seemed to be.” His gaze briefly drifts to the ground, before focussing on our touching hands. Like magic, the uncomfortableness he was feeling seems to shift. “No matter what she or I tried to convince myself of, something was always missing. I couldn’t put a mask over my own hurting and guilt anymore.”
He spoke the truth. Well at least I think he did. And so I accepted it.
“Okay, thank you for telling me.”
This talk was long overdue. Something we both needed and completely missed. No screaming, no crying, no accusing. If only it went this way from the start. We’re not all perfect though. Even if someone out there is, I’m not, he isn’t. They must be laughing at us.
“Your letters were cheesy. The gifts too.” I’m not sure if this is me trying to lighten the mood, or if I’m just stating facts. Regardless, it makes the both of us smile.
“I know. But you love cheesy things, like the roses I buy you on special occasions.” When he looks back at me I have to resist the urge to jump on him. The smile he wears look good on him. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. “You know me too well.”
“Well did they work?”
I had already made up my mind a few days back. While staring at the floating balloons occupying my living room I had decided for myself that he’s worth it. He is.
Tilting my head up like I’m still thinking, I make clear ‘hmm’ sound. I had thought that the answer is quite obvious, seeing as I came to him myself, but when doubt takes away his smile I drop the act. I’ve been through enough. We’ve both been through enough.
“Yeah, yeah it did.”
Unlike myself, he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me. Burying his head in the crook of my neck like he used to do, he lets out a few low ‘thank you’s’. It doesn’t take me long to return the hug, feeling just as safe with him as I used to.
“What about.. Ah I forgot his name.” It’s not hard to guess who he’s hinting at, the sourness in his voice giving him away. I understand, I wouldn’t like it either.
“I ended things.” His answer just comes in the for of a small nod. There is no need for anything more.
“I honestly thought you were going to reject me again.” He ends his sentence with a chuckle and completely relaxes in my hold. Now that the tension is gone, we can go back to where we left off, slowly rebuilding what was lost.
“I was just playing with you, I’m sorry. But no more being an asshole okay? I promise I will kick your ass.” My giggling might undermine the threat a little to others. Luckily, he knows I’m serious.
“I will give you full permission to, but you’ll never have to. I’m going to dump so much love on you that you’ll regret ever even thinking about taking me back. You’re stuck with me now though, so you better be prepared.”
Pulling himself back a little, he plants a gentle kiss on my lips. And then another one, a second one, three more, each kiss more passionate than the last. A fire spreads throughout my body, burning away the few doubts I had left with success. Eventually, to my dismay, I have to pull back for air. Damn humans for needing oxygen.
“Oh? I’d like to see you try.”
Just in case you were wondering, I never did regret it.
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statticscribbles · 3 years
Text
Soul
Summary: Kurtz/Reader, Soulmate AU, you gain the injuries of your soulmate and can hear their voice when they sing
You’re watching unimpressed as Malachai throws you a plastic bag filled with clothes.
“Come on, we have to get to school in ten. Your bag is in the car and-Christ you get the bad send-off?” He watches as you move jerkily, deep purple smudging under your eyes, bruises on your wrists and your shoulders.
“You ever been slammed into a brick wall twice over, after getting used as a fucking punching bag, strung up on a hook and everything?” He swallows any comment, opening the bag and handing you your clothes, you tug the crop top on and the flannel over it, before he snorts gesturing to the faint handprints he can see against your hips as you tug the shorts up.
“Aww poor thing, are you sore?” He laughs.
“You owe me so many shakes from that place you brought me lunch from.”
“Pop’s. How hard is it to remember that name?” he rolls his eyes pointing to the back to show you where your bag is, you slide in next to it and buckle your seatbelt.
“Riverdale High, by the way. Southside got shut down while you were in the slammer.” You nod shouldering your bag as Lance starts explaining most of the students.
“Archie and his friends are the goody two shoes group, well besides Jughead, and his gang, although they’re much less violent then the Ghouls.They have some members to watch out for, Sweet Pea, Fangs, oh and Kurtz, although he’s not really a snake. And then Cheryl and Toni with the pretty poisons or whatever game they’re playing.” You nod letting him continue to explain how a few of them had found their soulmates. He continues to talk and fill you in more about the gangs and the tentative truce he’s formed with the Serpents. He parks two blocks away and you give him a two finger salute.
“Thanks for the lift, now I have to go meet Betty Cooper for my tour? The blonde one that’s with Lodge right?” You look to him for confirmation and he nods.
“Glad to see you were paying attention, do you have other clothes? You’ll get dress-coded in that.”
“You didn’t bring me anything else.” You hiss at him as you cross the street moving towards the school.
You’re letting Betty pull you around you can feel eyes everywhere and you wonder if it’s from the bruises peeking out or the clothes. Maybe it's simply because you’re the shiny new student, everyone unsure how you’ll act.
“Not now I’m giving a tour.” Betty breezes by a redhead boy, Archie, your brain supplies. You watch as Betty’s eyes falter at Veronica a blush rising as you spot the identical hickeys on their necks.
“People open about soul mates here?”
“Most are, everyone wants to find their one, ya know?” You nod pretending the anxiety in your chest is from the new school not the dread of someone rejecting you. She prattles on carefully explaining your schedule and is halfway through giving you dirt on your teachers when Cheryl walks up flanked by the rest of the River Vixens.
“You simply have to try out.” She smiles, eyes roaming down your outfit.
“You seem in shape enough, we can always use more trainee’s” You find yourself smiling up at her.
“I’d love to.” You swear you can hear Lance scream in the hallway. You laugh to yourself.
She beams and wanders off, you can see Ethel nervously talking to Chuck Clayton, he’s leering over her in a way that is making her uncomfortable, Betty smiles apologetically at you.
“Sorry let me just pop over and-“
“Hey, Ethel right?” You step forward waving to her slightly.
“We share history, I’m new, in case you couldn’t tell and I was wondering if you could lend me your notes Betty said you’d have no problem doing that and-“ You turn as if seeing Chuck for the first time.
“Oh hello, are you her soulmate?”
“No but I might be yours. Chuck Clayton.” Your eyes light up.
“Oh, Ethel would you excuse us for a second, Betty wanted to ask you something.” You wait till she’s safely out of the way; you can see the rest of the football team hovering you smirk, licking your lips.
“So since you’re new I’m guessing you haven’t heard about me and my-“ You grip his wrist, your nails cutting into the fleshy under part, digging them into his wrist as he jerks it back. You stumble back pretending to be shocked already feeling someone’s hand on your shoulder. Betty pulling you away from Chuck, who straightens up and glares at you.
“Of course you’re friends with Cooper; you should have seen-“
“Chuck, let me give you some semi-friendly advice, since I’m new, and you clearly haven’t heard of me, or where I’ve been for the past few months.” He arches an eyebrow and you can tell a small crowd is gathering.
“It doesn’t matter how well you think you’re hiding it, you hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it; I will rip you apart.”
“Oh really you and-“ You snort as he goes quiet feeling Lance glaring from somewhere, just enough for only Chuck to see.
“You think Betty has darkness, I pity when you meet mine.” You laugh and he turns away from you as you return to Betty and Ethel’s side.
“You two okay? You look a little shocked?”
“We’ve never seen him retreat like that, that was incredible.” You smile and turn your head to your schedule when the bell rings.
By the time lunch rolls around the news of Chuck’s retreat had spread.
“Talk of the town you are, no clue what you did but he’s freaked.” Veronica nods to you and you sit on the edge of the couch watching everyone settle into their usual seats. You stare shocked at Kevin Keller.
“Yes?” He tilts his head as you look away smile on your lips.
“That scar on your eyebrow isn’t yours... I didn’t think I was ever going to meet you, pleasure’s all mine Preppy.” You laugh when his head whips up.
“You know Joaquin?”
“Yeah we used to bunk together, he’s an angel, amazing talker got me out of soooo much trouble in, where I used to go to school.”
“Oh you’re from the Southside?” Kevin asks, just as Cheryl returns with the Vixens.
“Who’s from the southside?” You cringe at Toni and Sweet Pea’s voices.
“This one here and-“
“Never seen them before in my life.” Toni states, Sweet Pea looks at you, his eyes widening as he pulls Toni and Fangs behind him.
“Someone we stay away from. All of us.” You raise an eyebrow at him. You can feel a hand on your shoulder and sigh.
“Yeah coming, what’s up?” You mumble as Lance moves you away and towards the outside area. You don’t look back at the group hearing other voices joining in on the confusion as you walk away. Lance slams you against the wall smirking.
“Good first day so far?”
“With you dragging me off during lunch, no, but for the most part it’s been manageable.”
“What was with threatening Chuck, he do something bad?”
“Well he’s basically the head male; gotta take him down before I do anything else. Duh.” You slide out from under his arms that cage you; you don’t flinch when he slams them back around you.
“No. You are not in that yard anymore that shit will have consequences, they’ll want you to prove that you’re dark.” You look unimpressed and nod.
“Yeah and? I can doesn’t mean I’m stupid enough to let them goad me into it. I’m not you.” You slip from under his arms, scowling as he catches your wrist tugging you back, you know someone sees with how they move slightly forward, black hair, potentially Reggie from the football team, one of the safe ones Lance had mentioned. You turn back twisting Lance’s own weight against him and pinning him against the wall, scraping his cheeks against the brick. You lean over your mouth against his ear.
“I am not your plaything, nor am I you. You want to try the usual shit, you’ll be getting my real response.” Lance coughs snarling as you walk towards the school once again.
You sit back next to Betty who frowns and looks to Jughead.
“Kurtz bailing on us again, said he got a lead to who his soulmate is and wants to find them soon.”
“Kurtz? He another Serpent?”
“No, our friend, his soulmate, well we all think they’re being abused, he gets bruises, cuts, and scars all the time, he’s really worried about them. He’s not exactly the friendliest but we still want to help his soulmate at least.”
“How can he hope to find them, like the world is pretty big?”
“He knows they’re here in Riverdale.”
“How?” You look confused and Josie, Archie’s soulmate beams.
“Me. My songs are pretty much only played around this area, he heard them singing once and knows they have to be around here. Hey Reg, what’s up?” Josie turns to smile at Reggie Mantle who walks up.
“You okay?” He nods to you and you turn smiling.
“Yeah I’m good thanks Reggie, I appreciate it.”
“You sure? Seemed like Lance has it out for you.”
“Lance was messing with you?” You watch the Serpent’s tense looking back to the voice that spoke.
“Hey Kurtz, guessing that lead was no good.” The boy nods as he sits next to Jughead.
“Yeah just like the others, now what is this about Lance causing havoc?”
“Chaos actually. It’s his thing, he likes to pretend he’s the new Malachai, mostly just a rip off to be honest.” Sweet Pea nods to Kurtz and you watch as he rubs his own wrist.
“You okay?” You can see a bruise peeking out from his collar, he nods shrugging.
“My soulmate, they get in a lot of fights.”
“Fights? You should probably have a word about that then.” You laugh a little and he scowls.
“Little hard when I can’t talk to them yeah.”
“You can sing right? Sing-ask.”
“Sing-ask?”
“Yeah like you don’t make up a song but you use an already existing song to form out a ‘letter’ of sorts, you can’t use it for places but its good for planning meet-ups. Where are you-“You look confused as Kurtz vanishes.
“He’s embarrassed of his singing voice.” You nod, frowning when you can hear your soulmate singing.
“You okay?” You tilt your head at Veronica as she asks.
“Yeah, my soulmate likes to sing on lunch break. It’s nice.”
“Do you do check in songs?”
“Oh yeah, I usually don’t get to sing much, my dad’s pretty strict.” You bite down the rule you want to spit up. Singing leads to identification; which leads to jail.
“Oh that’s so cute! Do you have specific songs for specific times of the day? Like Betty and I used to sing goodnight to each other.” Veronica places her hand over Betty’s who blushes.
“We have a couple, mainly just comfort songs, I think my soulmate deals with a lot. He's always sad.” You shrug listening to him start and cut off halfway through the song. You laugh a little.
“It seems like he wants to say something, but he’s failing I guess.” You laugh again closing your eyes and focusing on what he’s singing. You can’t help but smile laughing once again as the half song ends.
“What?” Betty and Kevin’s eyes spark.
“Apparently my soulmate wants to meet up, we’ve tried meeting up in the past but my dad found out and kept me home. He thinks I’m too young to find my soulmate; that I still need to mature and grow-up before we meet. I think he’s just scared about me dating.” You cover the truth, your father is scared, not of you dating, but of exposure, you know you can’t exactly bring your soulmate back to the house of the dead, back into the Ghoulies without him first being vetted.
“We can help you sneak out!! Just say you’re staying with me or Betty.” Archie nods excitedly and you smile.
“Alright, I’ll call him now.” You pull your phone out, calling your brother instead. You cringe when you can hear him outside the student lounge.
“Hey, uhh, can I stay over at a friends today? I have to work on a biology lab. Her name is-“
“Call him yourself.” He hangs up and you glare.
“Did he say no?”
“No, he said he was busy, I’ll call during Biology then.” You smile excitedly.
You’re working on the lab in Biology when you step into the lab closet after the teacher said you could call.
“Hey, I was just wondering if-“
“You wanna stay at a friends for the night right? Your brother called and told me. Fine. On one condition.”
“Of course.” You know well enough not to answer before hearing but the thought of meeting your soulmate has you willing to take whatever punishment he deems fit.
“I pick you up in the morning, now which house?” You suck in a breath.
“Let me get her address and-“
“Her name is all I need.”
“Betty Cooper.”
“Glad you’re making useful friends.” He drawls before he hands up, you retreat back to your seat shooting a thumbs up to Betty.
“He just said he wanted to pick me up in the morning.” Betty smiles.
“That won't be a problem we can just explain to your soulmate when you meet him.”
“We?”
“I’m not letting you go to meet your soulmate alone, what if they try to hurt you?” I can hurt them more. You smile at her.
“Thanks Betty.”
“Besides Veronica and I could use a date, where are we meeting?” You laugh a little as a chorus of Pop goes the weasel plays again as it had been for the past hour.
“Somewhere called Pop I think? Well Pop goes the weasel so.” You shrug and Betty laughs.
“Oh that’s clever, is there a time?”
-It’s a quarter after one I’m a little- Pop goes- It’s a quarter after one I’m a little- Pop goes-
“Quarter after one, no clue if its in the morning or not. Since tomorrow is Saturday.” Betty smiles.
“Well Pop’s it is, we can get a late night burger, hopefully he means one am.”
You’re trying not to fall asleep, Betty had insisted you both show up in your pyjama’s and you’d been thankful when she offered for you to change in the bathroom, you wipe the last smudges of the makeup from your neck hoping she wont comment on the lingering finger prints around your throat. She doesn’t as she pulls you to Pop’s mindful of your wrist. You try your best to bite down the tang of rejection, you know will bloom once your father picks you up tomorrow.
“So who’re we looking for?” You blink at her shrugging.
“Someone with this.” You tilt your neck up exposing the full handprint over your throat.
“O-Okay.” She chokes a little and you nod in understanding.
-You’re about to sit in a booth when a hand waves you both over.
“Kurtz, hey what’re you doing?”
“Following a lead, my soulmate kept singing Pop goes the weasel, either they were babysitting or were trying to respond to the message I left. Hey Veronica.” He nods as she walks up smiling.
“Betty I got us a booth so Y/N can wait for her soulmate, on her own.” She nods to Kurtz who arches an eyebrow.
“You’re waiting for your soulmate?” He leans forward slightly.
“Yeah, I’ve been listening to, it’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now, on repeat for three hours, so I guess this was the appropriate time. God forbid my soulmate couldn’t just mean the afternoon.” Kurtz snorts.
“Your soulmate a night owl then?” You sit across from him shrugging.
“I’ve probably given him that impression of me. My dad’s super strict to say the least.”
“Strict is a funny way to say abusive, unless he didn’t give you that?” he tilts his head up towards your neck and you catch the hand print on his.
“Oh my god. Shit.” You shift in the seat looking nervously at him.
“What? Is it the Serpent thing?”
“My dad, oh my god.” You look up wide eyed once more.
“You’re the like gargoyle gang guy…...” He reaches out hand brushing yours.
“You don’t have a problem with that.”
“My dad, fucking- I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” You squeeze your eyes shut and can feel him slide over to your side of the booth, his arm wrapping around you.
“Hey come on, your dad won’t know I’m into gargoyles, it’ll be fine.”
“He adopted me when I was five.” You blurt out, and Kurtz smiles.
“See you’re not even related to him, you’ll be fine I promise.” He offers a crooked smile.
“My brother, well adopted brother, Lance. We grew up at the sister’s of quiet mercy, we-“ You cut yourself off shaking your head and curling into his side sighing.
“This is nice.” You let yourself stay curled in his arms trying your best not to think of the scars your father left marking you and Lance as his.
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