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#the lost baby poem
apoemaday · 22 days ago
the lost baby poem
by Lucille Clifton
the time i dropped your almost body down down to meet the waters under the city and run one with the sewage to the sea what did i know about waters rushing back what did i know about drowning or being drowned you would have been born into winter in the year of the disconnected gas and no car       we would have made the thin walk over genesee hill into the canada wind to watch you slip like ice into strangers’ hands you would have fallen naked as snow into winter if you were here i could tell you these and some other things if i am ever less than a mountain for your definite brothers and sisters let the rivers pour over my head let the sea take me for a spiller of seas        let black men call me stranger always        for your never named sake
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if I could lash my arms
around the girl I was
when I, when she
loved you
raw and desperate and new
crimson, reactive
desire put to flame
in our ember-shaded wings
well, stranger
I have a fingertip
for every year that
we have not touched
and a burgeoning emporium of breaths
for every moment that
I haven't sighed for you
but naming the spell of distance
casts no glamour
on moments when I wake
and your ghost
is hanging in my doorway
so I wish you well and banish you
with some scrap offering of peace
and cast futile charms for her
naïve one
to see me, loving her
so tender
so new
when she loved you
© Chantel Camille Roice
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v-pet · a year ago
*grumbling* i found an old video that i remembered had the funniest comment on it, but then when i scrolled to read the comment, the video had comments turned off! so now i gotta scroll through all my fuckin pictures and find the fuckin screenshot i took because my blog search is not helping me at all
on the flip side i did scroll past this absolutely charming picture of a beanie baby that i saved a long time ago
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jpsatmur · 8 hours ago
The boy who disappeared
Afternoon sunlight on my small head
Baby fingers turning mysterious pages
Colours - this is yellow, that's red
Decoding lines, discovering images
Eagerly pursuing cryptic signs
Filling my infant days with reverie
Gathering knowledge of strange designs
Heavens turn above; within, a mystery
Is unfolded, alphabets are learned
Joyous lucidity, stories on paper
Kingdoms to be sought and earned
Lands so vivid, yet frail as vapour
My little body learned stillness
Needing absolutely nothing but stories
Offering escape from fears or illness
Ponder the page, memories increase
Quarantined once with chicken pox
Ridden with itches, but unconcerned
So many books; keys to so many locks
Time slipped away as pages turned
Until one day the world was too much
Vertigo spinning, me, facing reality
While I was away, the world had lost touch
X marked the spot where ended my family
Yesterday and today were lost; time came, time took
Zealous to overcome I opened another book.
An Abecedarian poem for Day 8 of #PoemsMayForm
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tealopossum · 12 hours ago
hey wait.
honey this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us / paradise lost a poem by john milton parallels
and it's hard to say i'm shaken and i get a little shaken / i'm shaken
overall themes / can't bring myself to cut ties i know you better than anyone
oh baby let me in / found the key but couldnt open the cell
oh and another parellel is how. fucking long these titles are fuck you stupid pieces of shit frontmen fuck y
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whyylois · a day ago
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Closure in III parts (or: II truths, I lie) | insta: whyylois
Prompts from insta: Write a breakup letter to someone or something you want closure from. Say all the things you didn't say then, and let them flutter away. - #NaPoWriMoxNidhScraps // Write a poem featuring/mentioning details of a dream/daydream you've had - #ElocintingPrompts // Even now, after everything? - #escapril // Drowning never tasted so sweet - #LovelyLittlePromptsWithLiz // Bl(ood r)ush - #Mayhem2020 // Two truths and a lie #NatashaWritesPrompts
[bg pic: Canva | photo id under the cut]
photo id:
Dear - well. You know who you are. (Or maybe you don't. You've never reached out to me before. Why start now?) You know I dreamed about you for the first time since I left and baby, my memories sure look good on you Golden boy, Midas-touched, high on a pedestal I can't reach Won't you come down and keep me company a while? Even in the sunlight you haunt my daydreams but I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you Prodigal son, earth angel, illuminated from within Won't you come by and light my path?
You looked straight at me ah yes- definitely a dream and suddenly I was ten again and I knew everything the world was my playground the world was a quadrangle the world was me orbiting you until-
Do you remember the day I told you that I liked you? I had it scripted, you see. Used my best line, "Has anyone ever told you that you must be Midas' long lost son blessed with his gold but not his touch? that your eyes are the colour of paradise lost an Eden without an end that they liked you?" "No" "Then count me as the first" I ran before you could reply and I've been running ever since. So this is it. I'm done running a race I will never win.
I am giving you up for good. Hope doesn't bloom like a bouquet in your arms, for there is nothing you can hand me that I can't give myself. I'm tired of every waking moment I spend losing sleep over a fairytale I've mythologised you and now you must be left in my history left to her story.
I've been waiting for a sign from you all these years even now, after everything- But you forgot to put the white sails up when you sailed by They say no man is an island but I am no man and you are no Theseus You cast off, set me adrift another home I- you will never return to.
I am abandoning ship throwing caution to the winds I'll dive into the ocean Let the currents teach me to change my tune they know the sound of a bl(ood r)ush can be tempest-tossed Let the sirens teach me to wield my voice in song they know there is nothing sweeter than drinking drowning in your eyes
And maybe- just maybe- I can let you sink in the depths of my memory. If not? Drinks at the Lethe. On me.
All my love, With warm regards and regret, Til we meet at the crossroads, - ylm
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rainbowsnowflake · a day ago
About Me
Hello, I am finally making a long overdue, about me post.
Some basic info
Name(s): Snow or Gray
Age: I am not comfortable revealing my age unless it's to close friends but I am a minor so please be appropriate. If you're 25+ please ask to follow. If you're already following me before this post was made, it is alright.
Nationality: Indian af ( Rinkiya ke papa hee heeing)
Pronouns: She/They (Please respect them)
Sexuality: Bisexual and demisexual (possibly asexual but still figuring that out so for now I identify as demisexual)
Gender Identity: Questioning
Romantic Orientation: Demiromantic
Reading, history (give me all the history snippets and info u have, doesn't matter what kind), dinosaurs (tell me things about them!), dragons, animals!! @mousefangs and @insaneasgardian pls tell me abt and send pics of animals i enjoy it :D
PJO, HOO, KC, MCGA, Wings of Fire (Going to start book 11), All The Wrong Questions, The Mortal Instruments (on City of Lost Souls), Alex Rider, Power of Five, TOG, ACOTAR (yet to read ACOSF), His Dark Materials, Carry On (only read first book), The Sun is Also a Star, Everything Everything, Harry Potter but not really active in this one anymore ( Please recommend novels about wars)
Poetry blog: @poetrysnowflake (not active anymore but I post the occasional poem)
Writing blog: @rainbow-snow-writes (An original story in progress here)
Group blog: @keanupocalypse for Keanu Reeves
I have pedophobia or the fear of dolls, in my case the big baby dolls. Mentions of them are fine but pictures or videos are not. Please tag them as "tw dolls"
Triggered by what is known as "cursed images" so please tag them "tw cursed images"
Graphic content is a squick(?, I think that's the term) I don't mind it but I don't like it much so don't bring content like this near me.
Please tell me to tag things that trigger you or make you uncomfortable. I will do it. Remind me if I forget.
If you ever want to rant, vent, or just plain talk, or want someone to listen, I'm here for you. Tag me in things!! Anything! Whatever you think will interest me!! I may not always reply but understand that I see it and appreciate it!!
Also understand, that while I'm here to help you through any struggles you may have, I am still just a child and will not be the perfect person to go to. If I tell you to stop telling me such things for some time, please understand that it is not because I hate you, I am just tired and cannot help you to the best of my abilities Sometimes I will not be able to understand what to say to you and this triggers my anxiety so please respect it when I tell you to stop or do not answer immediately. I am not a therapist.
Please keep telling me how to make this blog as accessible as possible.
If I ever reblog something that is offensive, tell me nicely please and don't be rude about it, I am still learning. If I reblog something from someone or interact with someone who is problematic, let me know. Thank you.
Please use indicators when you talk to me since I have trouble understanding and this again, triggers my anxiety.
ily all.
Tags that I use:
#snow's shitty snippets (for original posts, few as they are, and as the name suggests, very shitty, don't make sense)
#snow's saves (imp stuff I want to go back to, mostly tips and tricks for an easier life, websites that are useful for various purposes, or sometimes things very specific idk dude)
#snow's aesthetics (aesthetic pictures that I use as inspiration in my moodboards)
#snow's watchlist (lists of movies that I want to watch, majorly bollywood)
DNI, if:
You're a MAP/P*edo, LGBT+ phobic, sexist, misogynist, All Lives Matter and/or Blue Lives Matter, TERF, transmed, just generally a bigot, you know who you are. P*rn blogs/NSFW blogs
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ddlg-matchmaking · a day ago
Silly baby looking for a Daddydom
Name: I will tell you later when we talk
Little name: I love it when you give me one special
Role: Little, Submissive
Age: 18
Mono/poly: mono
Little age: 2/3
Location: Netherlands, I am okay with long distance
First of all: I am asexual until i am completely comfortable.
About me: I am a shy girl. Dont really love my self for how i look. When I am sad or mad I can do self harm, so I need a daddy who can hopefully help me from stop doing that. I have mood swings every 10 minutes. I am also really sensitive, the slightest change in your texts can make me freak out. I love drawing, kickboxing (i am not strong and i am not gonna punch you in your face i just like walking outside without being scared), writing, reading, skate, music
Big life: I am going to college, I really like it there, I want to be a doctor because i can feel useless sometimes so I want to do a job what means something to others, I really really want to do good things and help other people. I loveee reading books and poems, watching Netflix and listening to music. I love being out with friends and laugh and just have fun so I can forget about all the shitty things that happen in this world.
Little life: I love to talk to my daddy and I melt when he is taking care of me and when he tells me not to do something yk. I love stuffies! :)) and colouring. I loveee to cuddle and have fun with you. I am a clumsy baby 😊 i need a daddy with humor so we can laugh together, also i like those messages with stories in it and self write poems (i dont care if they are bad)
Preferred partner role: Daddy, dom
What I want/need in a daddy: I need a daddy who is really strict because I have so my bratty moments hahah, I love rules because otherwise I feel kinda lost. Whaat i love is when my daddy asks me questions like: how was your day? did you eat today? just the checking in kind of things yk. ^^Those things makes me feel loved, and I really really want to just feel loved all day everyday. and I promise I could give you that too.
What I like when my daddy does: When he tells me he is busy so I am not sitting there waiting yk, Forehead kisses, attention, affection, when he playful fights with me, when he helps me following my rules, strict
What I dont like: bullying, veggies, racism, cheating, lying, leaving me on read, nudes
Deal breaker: being racist, lying, cheating
My most favorite shows are: The Hungergames, Riverdale, The Gilmore Girls, Spinning Out, Jane The Virgin, Northern Rescue
My favorite movies are: After, Little Women, Five Feet Apart, Snow White, Cinderella
Tumblr: lovelyevilangelx
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hajakdksks · 3 days ago
Silly baby looking for a Daddydom
Name: I will tell you later when we talk
Little name: I love it when you give me one special
Role: Little, Submissive
Age: 18
Mono/poly: mono
Little age: 3
Location: Netherlands, I am okay with long distance
First of all: I am asexual until i am completely comfortable.
About me: I am a shy girl. I am kind, funny a bratty sometimes. I have mood swings sometimes minutes. I am sensitive. I love drawing, kickboxing (i am not strong and i am not gonna punch you in your face i just like walking outside without being scared), writing, reading, skate, music, I love to say no, but secretly want you to win always
Big life: I am going to college, I really like it there, I want to be a doctor because i can feel useless sometimes so I want to do a job what means something to others, I really really want to do good things and help other people. I loveee reading books and poems, watching Netflix and listening to music. I love being out with friends and laugh and just have fun so I can forget about all the shitty things that happen in this world.
Little life: I love to talk to my daddy and I melt when he is taking care of me and when he tells me not to do something yk. I love stuffies! :)) and colouring. I loveee to cuddle and have fun with you. I am a clumsy baby 😊 i need a daddy with humor so we can laugh together, also i like those messages with stories in it and self write poems (i dont care if they are bad)
Preferred partner role: Daddy, dom, caregiver
What I want/need in a daddy: I need a daddy who is really strict because I have so my bratty moments hahah, I love rules because otherwise I feel kinda lost. Whaat i love is when my daddy asks me questions like: how was your day? did you eat today? just the checking in kind of things yk. ^^Those things makes me feel loved, and I really really want to just feel loved all day everyday. and I promise I could give you that too.
What I like when my daddy does: When he tells me he is busy so I am not sitting there waiting yk, Forehead kisses, attention, affection, when he playful fights with me.
What I dont like: bullying, veggies, racism, cheating, lying, leaving me on read, nudes
Deal breaker: being racist, lying, cheating
My most favorite shows are: The Hungergames, Riverdale, The Gilmore Girls, Spinning Out, Jane The Virgin, Northern Rescue
My favorite movies are: After, Little Women, Five Feet Apart, SnowWhite, Cinderella
Contact: kik: littleprincesss39
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bitofbookishness · 6 days ago
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Thanks @studylikegeller​ for these tough questions!
Week 1 Who are your top three favorite protagonists?
I don't really have a favourite. I'm more attached to the whole worlds of books (even books set in the "real world") rather than particular characters. Now, if I were asked about my favourite literary critics...
What was your favorite book as a child?
I don't remember having a favourite book as a child. I remember some series I would read a lot of (Baby-Sitters, Mandie), and then getting into Dolly Fiction stories in my early teenage years, and the Goosebumps books, by R.L. Stine, until I realised that I didn't like how they were effecting my view of the world. By the way, it's fine to not read certain kinds of books for that reason, as long as you have had a little think about it!
Week 2 What is your all-time favorite poem?
"The Lady of Shallott" by Tennyson is definitely up there; many of the Psalms in the Bible; Paradise Lost by John Milton; but again, not really one particular favourite.
Is there a book that you absolutely hate?
Just this last week I could not finish Samuel Beckett's Echo's Bones. The protagonist's attitude to women and children was just really off-putting, so I didn't even want to finish it. And fair enough, I say!
Week 3 Tell us about a book you have a deep emotional connection with.
It's the Bible. As a Christian, I find it really encouraging and instructive for my faith; as a lover of literature, it has many great stories and theme that are referenced by so many writers, and the use of language is wonderful, especially with the older English translations.
Can you read with background noise?
Yes, but depending on what it is, it might make it harder to concentrate on certain books. And it depends on how tired I am. Mostly I prefer quiet.
Week 4 What is that one book that you’ve been wanting to read for a long time but haven’t for any reason?
I've been wanting to read soooooooo maaaaaaany for soooooooo looooooooong, and mostly I haven't gotten to them because I've been reading other things, or doing other things, like trying to write a PhD on yet more books, or having a kid who now I insists I spend a lot of time reading books to her! To list one, In Other Worlds: Essays in Cultural Politics, by Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak. This amazing woman translated Jacques Derrida's Of Grammatology into English. And apparently didn't get mad at him for stating everything three times in slightly different wording! (At least, that's the impression I had of it, trying to read it a few years ago. Yuck.)
Do you like reading thrillers? Do you have a favorite?
Definitely not. Again, there's that (to me) negative effect on my view of the world. Plus, they just make me paranoid and more jumpy than I already am, and if the house is dark or its night time, I already have enough of a job telling my imagination to not be silly, I don't need the things I've been reading to make it worse. That said, there are some I've read in the past that I've liked the story or how they've been written, but I don't think I would read them again. Bread and Chocolate by Phillipa Gregory, and another one I can't remember just now and don't want to go hunting for... my books are all over the house... some of them stacked triple deep... I do know that if I'm reading suspense, I truly loathe the "maybe it didn't really happen" ending.
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silasvanna · 8 days ago
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( ben barnes , cis man , he/him ) was that SILAS VANNA taking the stairs ? the 39 year old PROFESSOR has lived in APT 2D for SIX YEARS. i heard they’re pretty ARROGANT, but some say they’ve been OPTIMISTIC. they’re pretty well known for CABLE KNIT SWEATERS, STACKS OF GRADED PAPERS, LEATHERBOUND NOTEBOOKS & BROWN LEATHER BOOTS .
TW: pregnancy 
full name: silas oliver vanna
birthdate: august 20th, 1981
age: 39
height: 6’1”
fun facts:
born and raised in london, united kingdom, silas was always too big for his own britches
he is the oldest child of three, which means his paternal instincts were always on high alert
both of his parents were professors of literature at oxford, and he grew up with them travelling back and forth often for work
his love of poetry stems from reading far too many edgar allan poe short stories and poems, subsequently leading him to enjoying dark themes
he spent most of his time in his parent's library, hiding himself away amongst the stacks and getting lost in fantasy worlds
since his parents had made a name for themselves rather quickly, his family was one of the more distinguished in the area
because of this, he was often dragged to public outings and functions, forced and encouraged to interact with the other kids his age, which he wasn’t always interested in
he first met emira through her biological father, and while his parents hoped they would get along, their age gap made for awkward conversations and he ultimately ignored her
silas was always too focused on his studies and getting into a good college, so by the time he graduated from high school, he was ready to be in the “real world”
silas studied literature at the university of manchester where he focused more intently on poetry
his ultimate goal was to become a teacher, and after years of hard work and studying, he got his doctorate in literature and a cozy job teaching high school english
he stayed in that position for just a few years before he built up a reputation as being one of the best teachers in his profession, and soon enough he was offered a position at new york university
his move to new york was one of the best decisions he ever made, and his job is one of the more fulfilling things
silas was only in the city for about a year before his parents informed him that his old acquaintance, emira, had also moved into the same building
the two quickly became fast friends, and silas found that he enjoyed her company more than anyone else’s
their friendship continuously grew for five years, as did his feelings for her, though he didn’t know what to do about them
one night, after a drunken adventure to the roof, the two ended up spending the night together
not long after, the two discovered that emira was pregnant, thus resulting in their daughter zehra
the baby is now nine months old, and she’s the light of silas’s life
he’s been known to bring her to work with him when emira needs a break, and she’s become a hit with all of his students
while it took years for silas to feel settled, his current situation is the happiest he’s ever been
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wiseeagletidalwave · 8 days ago
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Featured Writer Gail Goepfert Frida Kahlo Speaks to Ada Limón about Bright Dead Things --after Ada Limón I am a keeper of lists.  An apprentice of all the ways to be silent.  Fused to Diego sleeve-to-sleeve his colossus of a body in overalls, my heart straddles the border between my home, my home, my Mexican barrio, and Diego’s America choked with smokestacks.  I learned muted silence from one, two, twenty and more surgical incisions. Stitched-up and struck numb in the airless sheets of my bed, I await resurrection in a bounty of silence—madness silence and the broken harness of marriage silence and the silence of painted coconuts weeping and then the silence that bellows in my ears from tangled infidelity and bottomless pain and lost-hope babies and surrogate lovers until it dims all the bright dead things. I listen for a hum in the mercy of silence, count all the silent places where I’ve grieved the shredding of my breath.   About the writer: Gail Goepfert is a poet and photographer and a teacher. She’s an associate editor at RHINO Poetry. Her books include A Mind on Pain, 2015 and Tapping Roots, 2018, and a third, Get Up Said the World, which was released in early 2019 by Červená Barva Press. Image: Frida Kahlo by Guillermo Kahlo (1871-1941). Gelatin silver print. 15.2 x 10.8 cm. 1932. Public domain.
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Psalm 73, Psalm 77-78
Welcome to Daily Audio Bible Chronological, it's the twenty sixth day of April. I'm Jill and it's wonderful to be here with you. We're reading the Bible together through in a year. I'm on this journey with you all is this is my first time reading the Bible through in chronological order. I hope you are taking it all in on the journey. Learning as much as I'm learning in the process, in some days it can just blow your mind, can't it? That's actually the whole point of reading the Bible through together in a year, isn't it, to see if you can dare to not be changed after reading the Bible in a year, Brian says read it for 30 days and see if it doesn't make a change in your life. I think that's a really good challenge. But we are well past 30 days. We are (wheh), heading into month five already this year, can you believe it? Wow, we couldn't slow it down if we tried, could we? Let's jump into the word together. Today, we're reading Psalm seventy three and we're reading Psalm seventy seven and seventy eight. And we're reading today, in the Good News Translation. Psalm seventy three.
OK, so just a little context about today's Psalm's. Today's Psalms, or songs or poems were written by Asef. Asef was a descendant of Gershin, who is the son of Levi. So he's identified as a member of the Levites, the priests. He's also one of three that David put in charge of leading worship in the Tabernacle. So Brother Asaph, who was one of the choir directors. So today we get to hear the songs, the Psalms, the poems from Asef. Tomorrow we are back in The First Chronicles. Again, I just encourage us to stay present, stay focused, bite your cheek if you have to put a little cinnamon candy in your mouth to remain present in the story.
Father, we thank you once again for this day. Thank you for your word. Thank you for your presence surrounding us being ever present with us. And help us to once again stay connected to the story, stay connected to our own stories. It's so easy to get sidetracked and to get distracted and to lose focus. So here we are refocusing once again, admitting that we need a little help staying focused so that we do not wander off and get lost. We keep our eyes fixed on you. We love you, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Daily Audio Bible, that's the place to go if you'd like to know anything about the Daily Audio Bible. You can take a little look around if you'd like to download the app that's free as well as. Some of you are asking about baby news, there is no baby to report as of yet. And the problem with when you start updating, you have to keep updating. So my silence means there's nothing happening just yet. But we certainly do appreciate your prayers as sweet baby Brown is, she's taking a moment. But she and mama are just fine and it literally could be any day. So, thank you for your patience. If you would like to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do so by giving through the mail at DAB PO Box 1996 Spring Hill, Tennessee, 37174. If you would like to give via the app, you can do so by hitting the Give icon up at the top right hand corner of your mobile device or your tablet, or look for the give icon on the website as well. We thank you immensely for your partnership and throwing another log on the global campfire. If you have a prayer request, if you are calling to pray for somebody that has previously called in, you can do so by hitting the red circle icon up at the top right hand corner of your mobile app as well. Or if you're calling in by mail. By mail. If you're calling him by phone 800, it's like it's Monday or something. 583-2164. If you're using the mobile app hit, submit and make sure you turn that little dial to Chronological so that it goes to the right place. You should probably and literally right now. So I'm Jill. I love you. I will turn the page together tomorrow and until then, love one another.
Community Prayer Line
Hi, my name is Katie. I'm calling from Hamilton, Ontario, and I'm going to ask you guys to pray. I am a nurse at a major hospital here and we are in a bad place with covid. It's very bad. It's worse than it's been for this whole pandemic. The ICU is are overflowing. There's a field hospital outside. We don't have enough staff to take care of all these patients. We don't have enough staff for we don't have enough staff or beds for the all the patients that need us. We normally we this is a trauma hospital. We take people who need heart surgery and need brain surgery. And we're very close to having to decide who gets a bed and who doesn't. We just don't have enough we don't have enough space. And there are very young, healthy people who are on life support. And there's a lot of frustration around here right now because of decisions the government has made. And I'm frustrated, too. We this could have been avoided. I really think so. And it's frustrating that there are it's just frustrating. This whole thing is frustrating. If you guys could just pray that it just starts getting better from here, that we all have strength, that we find the people and the equipment that we can save. All this will save as many people as we can. And just that everyone would just have the wisdom to do the things that need to be done to keep all of us safe. Satisfy Moses early with your mercies, Abba Father, but he may rejoice all the days of his long and prosperous life. Father God, we ask that you replace that heart of stone with a heart of flesh Father God. How precious Moses is. And we just cover him with your mighty blood of Jesus Christ, amen.
Good morning, everyone. This is Sonja in Austin, Texas, and I'm just calling to give God the glory and the praise for all that he's doing in our lives, even when things take a turn for the unexpected, we know that we're not alone. I just want to ask for a prayer for my husband when I came home from work last Friday. He said he needed to talk to me. And you just get that sinking feeling that this isn't going to be a good talk. Well, that day at his job had been called into the central office and was given the choice of either resigning or being fired. The new managers there who don't know him and don't work at his school and said that he had created a hostile work environment. So with pride in hand, he resigned. So we don't know now if he can draw unemployment and I don't know if we want to draw unemployment. I really so far have a peace about this that God is going to work this out. We have a little bit of savings so we can go a couple months. My husband, on the other hand, has been crying and is feeling like he's going backwards in life. He's over 50. He feels like he doesn't have marketable skills. Each job he's gotten has been less in pay than the one before. However, I know that God has a plan for him. So just please pray that my husband really seeks the Lord and feels God's peace during this time and that the doors open that God wants him to have opened and guidance on if we should try unemployment or just lean on God and and just go this route. Thank you so much for your prayers. Love all of you.
Hello, this is Jenny in southeast Tennessee. I think I'm going to start calling in as a gentle answer and asking for prayers for my husband's job, one of the companies that he's working with is changing the way that they're going to sell products and it won't be affecting his business. We're expecting our first little one in mid August and God's gift to us, and I'm somewhat tempted to worry and the Lord has kept us from freaking out over the potential changes. And we're thankful for his peace and his promise that is helping us stand firm. I do ask that you would pray for his job situation now. And I also wanted to pray for under-construction, as she is interviewing for any job that is so exciting. It can be a roller coaster of emotions and that it is just amazing to see how the Lord can work. And God, I ask that you would be with a new construction as she is seeking this new job. Thank you for opening up the doors and we ask for that. You would help her to know what she can do to further the process and that she would trust you with the rest knowing that you have good things for your children. Thank you for providing this opportunity for her would help her to trust you in the process and with whatever the outcome may be. God, I pray for my husband's job and for the jobs of many others that have had a lot of change over this last season with Covid. Lord, Your hand is over all. You sit on your throne. You were the ultimate provider. And you love your children. To help us, to keep our eyes fixed on you, not on our material possessions, not on our finances. You are our hope and we want to build our lives on your firm foundation. We ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.
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fancyphoenix · 12 days ago
- In an interview with the couples.- PART 1.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Flora: Global warming.. most definitely.
Helia: Yeah... That and writing a poem and not getting finished because I lost inspiration. It’s bone-chilling...
Flora: Yeah... He’s going to therapy for that. Is hard.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Stella: Having an event and not having the perfect outfit.
Brandon: That I’m too much of a perfectionist.
Stella: Honey, this is isn’t an interview for an event.
Brandon: Oh man.. Events, they scare the shit out of me.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Musa: Not hearing anything, I would hate that. What about you baby?
Riven: Nothing.
Musa: Yeah, right. What about the pigeons?
Riven: Yeah I Don’t like them. They’re shifty.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Sky: Losing Bloom.
Bloom: Aww... Hotel bedspreads.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Timmy: Never getting my driver’s license.. or getting one and the picture sucks.
Tecna: You’re turning into Stella.
Timmy: What? I have a really good left side you know, what if they Don’t get my good side? That's terrifying.
Tecna: For me, it would be getting a B. Or be surrounded by stupidity But that fear I fight it every day.
Interviewer: What are you guys more afraid of?
Nabu: Dying alone.
Layla: That's was dark, baby.
Nabu: Sorry, say yours.
Layla: Uhmm... clowns with blood.
Nabu: That's creepy...
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nishiannoya · 13 days ago
What They Don't Know
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f!reader x hanamaki takahiro, fluff, language, a little suggestive, established relationship (650 word count)
۞ it's unspoken between you that you'll never let the world catch on to just how in love you two actually are.
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Everyone assumes…
…that you and Makki are a weird couple. It's not that you're a strange match, if anything you two are probably the only people in the world who could date the other functionally. But the two of you together well, you're a couple of weirdos.
...that neither of you take your relationship too seriously despite being together for a long time. You two constantly pick on and purposely annoy each other around company, as well as joke about breaking up and leaving one another for a sugar daddy/momma.
...that your sex life is insane and terrifying. For whatever reason you both think it's normal to talk openly about your bedroom escapades with just about anybody. Certainly doesn't help that you're always play fighting and calling each other strange and questionable nicknames.
...that you two aren't the sentimental and mushy types. Your social media feeds are nothing but pictures of you two trying to embarrass each other with pranks and ugly pictures of one another mid sneeze or drooling during a nap. The "nicest" public picture of you two is of you shotgunning beers at his older sister's wedding. You both act like you would rather die than take posed couple's pics.
...that you're more attached than he is. You're always teasing him with PDA and affection. He likes to act like you're not funny or that your flirting and wiles have no effect on him just to watch you pout.
...that you two are a more free-spirited couple and will probably never actually settle down for a traditional domestic life. He's always saying dogs are better than kids and that weddings are a financial waste. You're always going off about the diamond industry scam and that your dream wedding has an Elvis impersonator officiating in a Las Vegas drive-thru.
Nobody knows…
...that when alone, you're love, sweetness, and beautiful while he's sweet boy, love of my life, and my baby.
...that he loves letting you know that he's so proud of you. He'll wrap you up in his arms and kiss your face and wipe your tears if you get overwhelmed by his words of affirmation.
...that you didn't believe you were cut out for love until you gave him a chance. Lots of short failed relationships before, but something just clicked and you both were willing to work for one another, even though it never feels like work at all.
...that you've lost count of the times he's left your shared apartment for work or an interview, only to turn right around and come back because he forgot to give you a kiss.
...that in bed he's always telling you 'you're so gorgeous' and 'I love you so fucking much' as he cradles your face in his hand, thumb brushing your cheekbone so sweetly with his forehead against yours while you rock together.
...that he falls asleep most nights holding your hand, sometimes even pulling and holding it over his heart. Your hands will get sweaty, but he unconsciously squeezes tighter if you try to slip away.
...that you wake up earlier than him most mornings and find yourself tearing up at how beautiful he looks with his strawberry locks and lashes resting against his skin.
…that sometimes he'll hug you from behind, hands at your middle while his fingertips roam the surface of your belly, whispering that he wants a baby with you so badly.
You're completely unaware…
...that he keeps a polaroid of you in his wallet and smiles like dork whenever he sees it. You're wearing white sundress that has him daydreaming about you as a summer bride.
...that he's had a ring hidden away for some time now, just waiting for the day he feels worthy.
He doesn't know…
...that he always has been, and that you're waiting for the day he believes it.
...that you have a box of love letters and poems and songs you've written over the years that's all just been practice for your vows.
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kaimuki · 15 days ago
Nemo, no.1
I have been travelling and at the mercy of the world around me for around a week now. It neither feels like much nor do I feel the strain of any fatigue or anxiety underlying my experiences. I have been relatively safe, in the company of close friends and people who care about me. Finally, the idea of feeling a tourist in all places feels real and manifested -I think that’s one of my main reasons for my longing to travel. Not really knowing anyone around me, knowing I may never meet them again, that our time together is sincerely brief and a lot like a flash of light --all those things, they reach a consensus, and I can relax, being free from doubt about how to live my life. I am truly subjected. 
And yet, occupying an active part of my mind, as we drive down coastal cliffs and large winding roads through forests and state parks, is doubt. I think about the things people say and the way I’m told the world works. Small and weak, new to the world, it is like a succulent among many that grow along the California coast. Threats and promises, I realize, are more alike in form than I thought. 
Not being depressed brings about this overstimulating and overwhelming form of existence. I find that most moments ask me to be patient and calm, that I do not rush into the strategies and logistics of my wonder and questions. So, then, I have to have faith. I have to believe that I’ll have the opportunity in the future to indulge my uneasiness, so I take a deep breath and close my eyes, meditate on the spray of the ocean that carries over these cliffs and reaches my face, the wind, the woman smoking a cigarillo thirty feet upwind, the strange light blue of the ocean, the elephant seals snoring. I meditate on the pressure and pain in my right knee, the itch on my side, the solidity and strength in the muscles of my back, my hair a scarf caught between my neck and my sweater. I try not to remember Monterey. The past requires a different type of faith that isn’t helpful to me now. And yet, when I open my eyes, in the corner of field of vision, a succulent.
Urgency was my lesson from the conclusion of my past year, and almost immediately, it is being challenged by the idea that I am subjected to take my time and wait for the world around me. It is fine. 
On Christmas Eve
Me: Do you think God cares if we go to midnight mass? Father: I think he just wants us to go to a mass.
Father: Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do. Me: Why? Father: I don’t know, maybe I’m stupid.
Something you said in Monterey comes immediately to mind, as if carried by a messenger. In my mind it looks like Hermes, on the surfaces of the pots at the Villa, returning from the Underworld.
On Love
She says, Trust and respect. I ask, Acceptance and tolerance? She says, Acceptance in the moment. Another says, Baby don’t hurt me.
He says, “Putting their happiness before your own.” I say, “I always want you to be happy.” He says, “I’ll try.”
Another says, “Don’t worry.”
Thank you, and I know now what to say in my letter. With faith, I choose a promise. 
Stupid, from Latin stupeo/stupere, intransitive I am stunned, stopped, speechless, I hesitate and transitive I wonder at and am astonished at. Stupeo, from Proto-Indo-European tew, to strike or hit or hurt. In an old poem, lost in the morphic field, it is meant both as an intransitive verb and a transitive verb, and we swing and we sway on the crossings over. 
On A Thousand Crossings
Sally Mann balances hypothetical symposiums on existence and the presence and impulse needed to compose a photograph. Her experiences, riddled and muddled with wonder and fear; and her photographs, riddled and muddled with impatience, hands shaking, the rough agitation of her chemistry, a searing exposure to save time. 
I wonder if art is sacrifice. Perhaps that is why I am so hesitant to to create.
I wrote this a year and couple months ago. I was in a mood, but I actually kind of like this.
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Would You (IV) - Harry Holland
Harry || Main || Taglist
Would You (I) (II) (III)
Requested? Nah
266 words
Would You by The Vamps
"𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧' 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. 𝐈 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐞"
You've had your heart broken too many times to the point where you realize when it's about to break. Love is a game and you're simply a player who plays along with different players.
It used to hurt whenever your heart gets broken, but now you're used to it. That's why you weren't hurt as much when you noticed that Harry was distancing himself and straight up lying to you. He knew you hated that and the mere fact that he's doing the things you hate says a lot. He doesn't even have to explain himself.
You chuckled to yourself when you realized that you were better off without him; you didn't need him to be whole. You're already whole and you're independent. You don't need someone who doesn't give their all in the relationship. You know you'll meet the right one at the right time.
So, you grabbed a piece of paper and wrote something for Harry before packing your things and leaving. When Harry got home, your things were gone and he noticed a piece of paper on his night stand. It was a poem that you wrote.
Harry finished reading and looked around. That's when he realized you were done with him.
Love is like a game.
Level one is when you know their name.
Level two is when you know them more.
Level three is when you feel they're worth fighting for.
Suddenly, on the last level, you get hurt.
You find out they're no good and realize your worth.
You feel awake and sober,
When you realize the game is over.
* * * *
lol i wrote that poem when i was 17 and i figured i'd add it here bc it fits the story
𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @thatforgottenangel @turtoix @givebuckyhisplumsnow @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @yourstrulyamour @euphorichxlland @thevelvetseries @buckymylove @more-like-reyna
𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @holland-styles @trustfundparker @calltothewild @felicityparkers @hufflepuffprincess24 @tommysparker @justasmisunderstoodasloki @quaksonhehe @call-me-baby-gir1 @itstaskeen @theonly1outof-a-billion @lost-in-the-stars03 @justafangirlduh @piscesparker @speedymaximoff @miraclesoflove @lexirv @blairscott @getbywithasmile @pqrkerr @lavender-writer @blackbat2020 @hoodpankow @bi-lmg
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toomanysurveys9 · 19 days ago
Do you take lessons for anything? No. Although I’m in grad school for marriage and family therapy. So that’s kind of like lessons. Lol.
Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? Not really, no.
If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? I usually use natural colors.
Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? It has a curtain.
If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? I have so many pets, and Phe and Cocoa do occasionally get jealous.
Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? Not a room, exactly, but I hate our basement.
Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Just the one I just answered here.
Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Jalapeno powder stuff they have at our local movie theater. It’s good with the butter.
Are you lonely? I guess you could say that.
What’s your favorite magazine to read? I haven’t really read any magazines in a long time.
Do you like pineapple? I do. I used to not like it when I was a kid, but I do now.
Have you ever seen fireflies? I have!
Have you ever trespassed? Not that I can remember.
Do you tell your parents where you are going? I mean, sometimes. Sometimes I will just say I’m leaving, and leave it at that.
Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I’m doing online classes. It’s mostly reading and writing papers.
Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? I used to. But it’s kind of stressful these days. Although I do want to go soon for a smoothie. There’s a store in one about an hour away that has the best.
Have you ever purposely hurt an animal? No.
Would you ever see a therapist? I have before, and I would again if I needed to.
Are you afraid of heights? Yes.
Are you afraid of the dark? Not really.
Are you a jealous person? Not normally, but I can be if I think I have reason.
When is your birthday? September 1.
What are you listening to right now? The kiddos talking about ice cream.
Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing? Yeah. My mom caught us having sex once when we were 18.
Are you still friends with someone from kindergarten? Not really.
What is the most important thing to you? My kids.
Do you like whipped cream? Yeah, usually.
Are you close to your mother? Yes.
Are you close to your father? Yes, but it’s not quite the same as with my mom.
Do you walk around bare foot when you’re at home? Or do you wear socks? I am usually barefoot.
Do you like chocolate popsicles? I haven’t had them in a long time, so I couldn’t really say.
Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? No.
Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? I guess Big Ben because that’s a place I really want to visit.
Have you ever written a poem? A long, long time ago. They weren’t that great.
Would you ever be a tornado chaser? NO. NO. NO. I’m too chicken.
What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? Pulled pork sandwiches.
Your parents tell you that this summer, you get to pick the vacation. Where do you plan to go? A longer vacation to TN than what we are doing during memorial day weekend.
What do you think is a good theme for a prom? I have no idea.
Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? I didn’t have to, but I took my statistics class in undergrad during summer.
Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? About what? Yeah. Since getting pregnant, I’m afraid of being told I lost the baby.
Have you ever been to the rainforest? I wish, but no.
Have you ever created a website? Nope.
Ever thought about writing a book? Yes. I think it would be fun but challenging.
Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I don’t think so.
Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? Yeah.
Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? Runny nose. And it can be more painful.
Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? I hate being nauseous, and I hate throwing up.
Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? Eh. Kind of I guess. I never should have dated him.
Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? I’ve never really tried, so no..
Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? Probably Stephanie these days.
Would you consider yourself to be emo? I guess. 
Do you have a favourite metal band or do you not like metal? I don’t really listen to metal.
What is your current desktop picture? Nothing. It was my kids and then my computer did something funky and I just never fixed it.
Thick or thin blanket? Depends, but usually thicker.
Who are your favorite bands?  That’s kind of hard to answer. I don’t really know.
How do you mark through your word search puzzles? It varies from highlighter, circling, or putting a line through it.
Have you ever sewn something? I don’t think so.
What did you eat for dinner last night? Turkey sandwich.
Ever been grounded? Story of my life growing up.
Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No.
When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) It’s been several months, at least.
Have you ever drank Cherry Coke? Yeah.
Have you ever had a black eye? I have.
Have you ever eaten a bug? I have not ever chosen to eat one.
Do you like pranking people? Nope.
Did you ever take a cooking class in school? I did in high school.
Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? Not really. We celebrate Wyatt’s birthday. My little St. Patrick’s Day baby. :)
Do you use Skype? No. I use zoom when I have meetings with professors.
Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? Nope.
Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No.
Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? He never was.
Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I honestly don’t know. Jacob isn’t exactly the romantic type.
Have you ever cheated on a test? Nope.
Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? Nope. Or... not really. We did premarital counseling with the pastor that officiated our wedding, but I don’t know that I would count that.
How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? A lot. Considering I am part-time and said a maximum of 3 full days a week. Plus she has me on one of the most aggressive kids, so that’s great. I emailed her over the weekend letting her know I was done working with him, so we will see how that conversation goes tomorrow and whether I will have a job still.
Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? YES. I have always loved to read.
When was the last time you were scared? Yesterday while watching Jacob in the night of destruction events.
What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? I don’t really know.
Can you speak binary? Nope.
Would you rather live somewhere that had hurricanes or tornadoes? I would prefer neither. Lol.
Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? Nope.
When was the last time you saw hail? A year or two ago. We are getting a new roof thanks to insurance because of it.
What is on your mind right this second: That I kind of want ice cream.
Have you ever given a nickname to your pet(s)? Yeah.
When was the last time you shaved your legs? Last week.
Do you ever try free samples at the store? Yeah.
Do you like boys with long hair? I don’t really have a preference with hair length.
Do you like root beer? Yeah.
What is the best fast food place, in your opinion? I don’t know.
Do you have faith in yourself? LOL. No.
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if you dont mind sharing,,,
what is it that makes her so special?
i don't know if you've ever had the luck of talking to her in private, but she's one of the most respectful people I've ever met. whatever boundaries you establish, she'll never cross them, not even by accident. she loves listening to me, no matter what I'm talking about. my day, my life, boring stuff I learned in uni, she listens. she's okay with just sitting down and listening to me cry, and she won't let me go until I give her a smile and tell her that I'm feeling better. she's genuinely one of the most interesting people I know. when she talks about things she's into, there's this passion in her voice that feels like she put a spell on you. you can't help but listen. and she's got this adorable accent when she speaks english, i replay her voice messages all the time cause i love hearing it. and she's insanely pretty, more than I'd ever imagined. and her name, god, don't get me started on her beautiful name. she's also madly fun and easy to talk to, some days we'll talk for hours and never get tired. and she's smart. like, very smart. her art style is incredibly cute, and she draws me lil frogs when im sad. she gets along very well with my best friend, which is, like, super important to me. and she will never show it, but she's the sweetest little baby. the nicknames she calls me, you should see them. the letters (4?? 5??? i lost count) she's written to me, and the poems. i tell her i love her in her language and she tells me she loves me in mine. she saves the voice messages in which i sing for her. she has a list of people who hurt me she refuses to talk to. she never says goodbye without adding an i love you. she's sincere, honest, and insanely gentle. there's something about waking up to her good mornings and falling asleep to her goodnights, something that makes my stomach melt into thick honey and my lungs feel warm. she cares about me like very few people ever have. she's always there for me when i need reassurance and she knows im here for her too. she'll be away for a while and i didn't get the chance to tell her how much i miss her, and it hurts, but i really can't wait to hear from her again.
she also won't stop fucking bringing up her furry crush on nick wilde @bloodintheflowers you bitch one of these days i'll block you i swear. can't wait till you get back on tumblr so we can go back to being two cheesy annoying fucks.
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strngher · 25 days ago
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beverly marsh was born to alvin and elfrida marsh and had what would have been described as a normal childhood until she was eight years old. elfrida marsh lived with clinical depression her entire life, a disorder that may have had something to do with what the derry police department ruled an accidental overdose. an accident that beverly would spend the rest of her life being blamed for. rumor had it that elfrida was tired of being a mother to such a disappointing child. beverly suspected it was more to do with an abusive husband. but she would never have the chance to really figure it out. from the moment her mother was six feet under, bev’s life was never the same, and was never really good again. alvin had a heavy hand in everything he did, in every way he touched, and his actions would stick with her for the rest of her life… even when she couldn’t remember…
it started in a locked bathroom
the only place a marsh girl could hope for privacy, could hope for time to herself without interruption. it had been a poem written on the back of a postcard without a name ( your hair is winter fire, january embers, my heart burns there too ) . a poem that had left her school girl heart soaring with the thought of a secret admirer. a dream of summer love interrupted by a gurgling in the sink that she couldn't ignore.. she could hear the children laughing, calling out for her. they couldn’t be real. but the blood that shot from her sink said otherwise. that had started the summer of horror for beverly marsh.
she hadn't been alone. she'd had the losers. somehow, over the course of the summer, they were able to save themselves over and over again. pennywise was defeated (?) by the power of friendship before that power was torn apart as the loser’s club was spread across the country and the memories of that summer were lost…
it had taken a call from mike hanlon for the memories to begin trickling back to her, for the scar on the palm of her hand to make itself known. an oath that had waited twenty seven years to ask for keeping reared its head and begged for recompense. but beverly marsh rogan had to ask permission, had to hope that her father husband would allow her to save her home. but she should have known better. "you've forgotten my lessons, bevvie..."  by the time she had broken free, she had fresh bruises on her arms and her wedding ring was tossed to the rain. beverly marsh was on a mission to make it to derry. the closer she got, the more the memories came flooding back to her and by the time she made it to jade of the orient moments of that summer were clear as day. memories had come back. tokens were gathered. stanley uris was mourned. and the losers went to war. the war was won, just barely. the clown was reduced to dust in the wind... and a loser left behind in a grave of gray water. but the evil was defeated and the memories of the fallen would last forever.
beverly marsh had always been mama’s little girl . from the moment she was born , she only had eyes for her mother . it was like even as a baby , she knew that alvin marsh was going to be one of the worst things that happened to her . elfrida tried to be a good mother . she wanted her daughter to have a good life , wanted her daughter to have both of her parents which led her to put up with far more than she ever deserved . all while suffering from depression that was exacerbated by postpartum depression she never quite recovered from . a note that would be stapled to her back for the rest of her life , a guilt she would hold even when she couldn’t remember .  
a child’s eyes had been opened … the blame for everything fell on her because elfrida couldn’t live with such a disappointing daughter . alvin made sure she knew it , made sure she knew that elfrida had let her get hurt , had let everything happen . and from that moment something in her snapped . with every hit , she imagined a world where her mother had gotten them out , where she could have been a little girl for longer . a world where she didn’t have to hope her father would come home drunk .
she grew up resenting the woman . for so much of her childhood , she had idolized her mother , had wanted to become as good of a woman as her mother . and it had all been a lie , hadn’t it ?
after leaving derry , there was something about the curse that kept her mother’s memory a stain on her brain . she couldn’t remember why , never spoke of her . just thought of her with pain and anger and she couldn’t figure out why . no matter how hard she struggled to remember what elfrida had done to her , it stayed just out of her reach … until she married tom .
when things went south with him , there was a voice in the back of beverly’s mind that told her that her mother wouldn’t have saved her now just as she hadn’t saved her before . and maybe that was why she stayed … because some part of her wanted to remember what had happened . who knew . all she knew was she could remember the first set of fists that had hurt her , the first words that had torn her soul . and suddenly she could remember her mother doing nothing about it .
it wasn’t until the call from mike hanlon and stepping foot back in derry that it slowly came back to her . the pain she’d felt as a child , the difficulties she’d had growing up . things that an eight year old would never understand suddenly began to make perfect sense to her . beverly could remember her mother crying alone and forcing herself to smile when her
daughter stepped into the room . she could remember her mother asking if her father had ever touched her in a voice that said everything her words couldn’t . and she remembered how her mother would speak to her husband in whispered tones and that’s when the doors would slam and the bed would squeak until elfrida cleaned herself off in the bathroom .
beverly marsh was forty years old when she realized that her mother had tried to protect her from the moment she was born and had died knowing that she had never really kept her daughter safe at all . and beverly marsh lived knowing that she could never thank her for trying.
beverly never intended to leave tom that night , never intended for it to be her last night married to a monster . but when he threw her on the bed , she was sure he was going to use her and dispose of her , sure that she wouldn’t be making it through the night . she knew that he would kill her if she didn’t get out as quickly as she could . she didn’t care how , didn’t care what she left with … she just had to get the hell out .
she hadn’t even checked the weather , hadn’t bothered to think about rain or cold . she’d grabbed her phone , her bag , and a wallet and got the fuck out . it didn’t even occur to her that it was raining until she climbed into a cab and was soaked through to the bone . she didn’t even register that she was in her pajamas until she looked down at the striped bottoms covering her legs . it had taken a lot to fight the embarrassment , to not apologize to the driver for everything she was . but this was the start of a new life , even if it only lasted until some clown thing ate her from the inside out .
she had stayed at a hotel as far away as the taxi driver would go , had put herself in the most expensive room on a bank account she’d kept hidden from tom in case of an emergency . and she’d called up her assistant and had her drop clothes off at six in the morning so that she could have something to wear and clothes to take with her . there wouldn’t be time for shopping , only time for backups to be brought and no questions asked .
for the first time in a decade , she took a long hot shower and let the warmth lick at her skin , let herself take in the bruises and the burns from years of abuse , finally let herself sob … gut wrenching yowls that tore from her throat as soap cascaded down skin that felt clean for the first time since her wedding night . stepping out of the steam , she felt reborn , felt as though the world around her was hers and hers alone . and for the first time she didn’t have the urge to take the scissors to her hair , didn’t have the urge to make herself into everything someone hated because she would never fall for someone like that again . never .
for the first time in a decade , she climbed naked between satin sheets and let the warmth take her over . for the first time in a decade , she pulled the blankets up to her chin and rested her head on her pillow and slept like a baby without fear of not waking up at all , without the need to keep one eye open , to sleep light enough that the slightest shift in the weight beside of her would wake her in case the monster needed feeding . no , for the first time beverly let the sheets dance across naked skin as she burrowed into the warmth of their embrace and she slept without nightmares .
the thought of bruises never crossed her mind until her flight had landed the next day , the thought of having to explain had completely escaped her but standing in front of that restaurant , every excuse came flooding back to her and it left her hesitating . left her standing , staring at the door . nervous , nicotine stained fingers tugged at the fabric that brushed against her wrists , wishing her jacket would open up and swallow her whole so she never had to look back , never had to explain how far she’d fallen .
it was ben’s voice that brought her back , ben’s voice that pulled her from the edge of running away , and ben’s smile that reminded her of where she needed to be , that there was never judgement within the losers . and as the memory of him slowly wrapped its tendrils around her heart , the warmth in her chest and cheeks told her that there was more to him … that something was missing .
it was that pull , that feeling of an emptiness she’d kept hidden from herself that pushed her , convinced her that she needed to be here . that defeating this thing was the only way she would move forwards and find more to her life . and there was a part of her that prayed to a god she’d lost faith in so long ago that with it’s death , the curse she felt hanging over her head would break and she would see the sun again .
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