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divineology · 4 years

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★ AUGUST 2020 PICK A CARD ★

Welcome to divineology’s August 2020 pick a card predictions! I got some pretty interesting a clear messages for the month of August for you, including an affirmation, song, and important dates to look out for. Pick a sun card intuitively and then keep reading to see what August 2020 has in store for you! I also offer affordable personal readings. If you would like to book a private reading with me, feel free to send me a DM.

★ PILE 1 -

AFFIRMATION: I attract my desires by paying attention to what I want more than what I don’t want.

THEME: Nine of Cups

FOCUS: Knight of Swords

GROWTH: Ten of Wands

This month for you is all about abundance and attracting your desires. Happiness, confidence, and triumph is your theme. Knowing that your life is a blessing will allow you to fully experience the infinite beauty and possibilities around you. Take charge this month and go after what you desire with confidence. Having a strategy when it comes to work/school will benefit you immensely. Regardless of any opposition, I see you being undefeated in terms of career and finances. This may be a great month for you to use the Law of Attraction, as things will manifest quickly for you in August. Be fearless and put ideas into action. An area of growth for you will be strengthening your willpower to take on more tasks. Remember that anything good in life does not come easily, it will require some hard work on your part. Persevere and get it done! Trust that the universe will do it’s part, but you need to do yours as well! Great results and achievements will be evident throughout the month, and they will be results that last. For lack of better words, you’re a complete BADASS this month!

SIGNIFICANT DATES: 2nd, 3rd, 8th, 11th, 30th

SONG: 7 rings - Ariana Grande

★ PILE 2 -

AFFIRMATION: My relationships with other people are an important part of my life experience.

THEME: Knight of Cups

FOCUS: Three of Wands Reversed

GROWTH: The Hanged Man

This month is all about your relationships, creativity, and passion. Romantic, family, friends, work, this month is about making new connections and mending existing ones. You may experience some creative blocks or false starts in the beginning of the month, but you will overcome them by the end. Someone around you may have ulterior motives so make sure you keep an eye out for that and closely assess your relationships. Do not neglect the negative behaviors that people around you, they may be affecting you mentally. Do not underestimate the effect that the people you surround yourself with have on your well being. Be patient with yourself and the people around you. Your area of growth will be learning to relax and reflect as you sort through your thoughts and ideas, which may help relieve any creative blocks. If you have been holding onto old though patterns or relationships that are futile, then you will release them this month. On a brighter note, singles can expect someone confessing their emotions to them, this could be a romantic offer. Many of you will be making a new friend, this person will help you rekindle that creative spark within you. Although they may not appear to, this person has connections that will help you with a business or career endeavor, so do not underestimate this new friendship.

SIGNIFICANT DATES: 1st, 10th

SONG: Off To The Races - Lana Del Rey

★ PILE 3 -

AFFIRMATION: Other’s opinions are less important than my personal guidance system.

THEME: Page of Pentacles

FOCUS: Six of Swords

GROWTH: Two of Cups Reversed

This month will be about transition and change. Expect communication that will bring clarity to a dilemma you are in. Use this information to assess the situation wisely and think rationally to make the right decision for you. You will be walking away from people and situations that don’t serve you. This could result in a break-up, leaving a job, or moving residence. Many of you will be getting out of troubled relationships and not settling for unsatisfactory love. You need independence from something, so do not be afraid to make a necessary change. Do not fear the opinions of others when you make these necessary changes in your life, it’s your life not theirs. This is a time for you to explore not only your inner self, but the outer world. By doing this, you will be transitioning towards a better frame of mind. However, there is still a hopeful new opportunity that awaits you on the other side! By releasing what no longer serves you, you have opened yourself up to a world of possibilities and new opportunities will be coming your way. With every old goodbye, there is a new hello.

SIGNIFICANT DATES: 2nd, 4th, 6th, 20th, 24th

SONG: Over - Drake

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

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i'm done.

I've had a pretty hard life. I rarely say it like that because it sounds like a pity party, but objectively, I've Been Through It.

I've lived at about half of what they call the poverty line in Canada for my entire adult life.

Then in March 2020 something happened that forced me to stop working and stay at home for 8 months, and the government gave me 16,000$ to do so. For the first time in my entire life, I actually owed taxes. I cracked 20k. I was living like a king. I had SAVINGS!

Then when that program (CERB) ended, they switched us all over to EI (unemployment). Instead of 2 payments of $1000 every 2 weeks, we got about $800. Plus I was working for the parts of the year we were open. They subtract some money if you're working, but it still came out to about $2000/month.

Then, 2 weeks ago, I got my last EI payment, and they didn't bother to tell me. So when I went to fill it out the other day, I was told to kindly fuck off.

I'm lucky in that I'm still qualifying for disability, but their system is fucked. Everything is based on what happened last month. In August, I got three EI payments because of the way the days fell (got paid the 1st, 15th and 31st.) ODSP (disability) took one look at that month and said I get nothing for September.

September, I "made" around $1200 between working and EI. ODSP takes that and puts it through their algorithm that decides how much I get and will come up with around $300, which isn't even my rent, paid to me on the last day of October.

I'm lucky again that I do have savings. After needing a new laptop, a lot of surprise dental problems, and October's rent, I halved my savings in a month. I had fucking plans for that money. Mostly getting a tattoo sleeve and possibly going back to school. All that's out the window.

My biweekly paychecks are usually around $180. I'm anorexic, so my grocery bill is less than what I pay to have a cat. My only other expenses are my phone and smokes. I'll probably be able to survive. Just barely.

But after living slightly closer to the poverty line, I don't want to go back to barely scraping by. This year has been the best year of my entire life mental health-wise. Almost like money CAN buy happiness.

On the first of every month, I add up what I spent on everything, and even having quit drinking, I was in the red for the first time in a long time today.

In one fucking week, I went from the happiest I've ever been to actively planning my suicide.

My job is very physical, and I'm not qualified for anything where I could sit. My body is slowly giving up. I went from being able to do 20h a week to barely making it through my 2 3.5h shifts a week.

So here's what I'm going to do. For a few months, I'm going to Suffer. Work my ass off until I absolutely can't anymore. Save as much as humanly possible.

Then I'm going to stop working, stop taking the drugs that keep me from being manic, start drinking again, go absolutely nuts for a few months, and when the last cent of my savings are gone, so am I. I'm going to kill myself.

I'm not pledging the next 50 years of my life to capitalism. Canada said during the pandemic, here's 2 grand a month, that's enough to live on, and then kept giving us disabled people $1200, a number that has not risen in the 7 years I've been on it.

Nobody fucking cares. We JUST had an election where the guy supporting UBI lost. For years I've just been waiting it out until UBI, but it's not happening. Not before my body quits, at least.

I give myself anywhere from 3 months to a year. I'll have to pare down my bucket list, but at least I'll have an excuse to start drinking and eating again.

If today has taught me anything, it's how life can go from 100-0 a lot faster than it took to go from 0-100. And it's just not worth trying to get back up to speed. It's never going to happen.

The only good thing about this long of a planned-out suicide is that I can pack as much hedonism into my last moments as possible. I get to experience my "last" everything. I'll make my last post about a month out. I don't know how long that'll be, but I'd say 6 months max.

On the bright side, our minimum wage went up by a whole ten cents today. That should help.

Stay Greater.

#poverty #disability #suicide tw

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truecrimesposts · 4 years

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The Milwaukee Cannibal

Timeline of events

1960′s

May 21, 1960: Jeffery Lionel Dahmer was born in Milwaukee’s Evangelical Deaconess Hospital to his parents Lionel and Joyce after a very difficult pregnancy. According to Lionel, Joyce experienced random bouts of paralysis during the pregnancy, and doctors were unable to find any reason for this. To try and treat this and mostly to calm her during, she was given “injections of barbiturates and morphine, which would finally relax her.” She would apparently also be given phenobarbital.

We know now that the “Use of barbiturates during pregnancy has been associated with a higher incidence of fetal abnormalities. Neonatal barbiturate withdrawal symptoms have been reported in infants whose mothers took barbiturates during pregnancy,” but we don't know for sure if this applied to Jeffrey.

1962: The family made the decision to move to Ames, Iowa in 1962 so that Lionel could work on his Chemistry Ph.D.

1964: After their young son complained of extreme pain, Lionel and Joyce took Jeffrey to the hospital, were he was diagnosed with a brutal double hernia in his scrotum. Even after the surgery corrected the issue, Lionel would claim that this experience was what initially triggered the change in Jeffrey’s personality, apparently making him become much more shy and withdrawn. Psychologists believe that there is a possibility that this could actually have influenced his feelings of sexual inadequacy and insecurity in later life.

November 1966: When Joyce fell pregnant with her second child David, the family decided to move home in an attempt to find the perfect spot to raise their two children. This led to several moved throughout Ohio during the following year. This was not an easy time for the family, Joyce was struggling with another very difficult pregnancy, and young Jeffrey, who was now in the 1st grade, was starting to feel neglected, especially after David was born on December 18th.

Of course feeling neglected when a new baby comes along is a fairly common thing, but unlike most children, Jeffrey would not get over this feeling, instead it would get worse. Lionel describes his son at this time as extremely shy and withdrawn, even going as far as t say that he was terrified of new people and situations.

1968: After the family moved to Bath Ohio, Jeffrey experienced a new and particularly heinous kind of trauma. According to Lionel, Jeffrey was molested by a boy in the neighbourhood, however Jeffrey never once admitted to even remembering this.

It seems likely that Jeffrey repressed this memory, especially since his personality ticks pretty much every box when it comes to the traits that come with childhood memory repression:

Strong reactions to certain places people and situations.

Difficulty controlling emotions.

Difficulty keeping a job.

Struggling with a sense of abandonment.

Immaturity.

Tendency to self sabotage.

Impulsive.

Emotionally exhausted.

Anxiety.

Trouble with anger management.

1970′s

Late 1970: Over the last few years, Joyce had, according to Lionel, been taking drugs in order to try and deal with the extreme anxiety that she was facing on a near daily basis, but they didn't really work, and in the late 1970′s she was actually institutionalised twice for ‘psychiatric problems’. Since the family were so busy trying to take care of Joyce and raise their very young son, Jeffrey reportedly did not have a stabilising influence, or much emotional support.

This combined with the fact that he had grown tired of not fitting in led Jeffrey to build himself a reputation as somewhat of a clown, and a misfit. His behaviour at that time is very similar to that of fellow serial killer and cannibal Arthur Shawcross, he would drink heavily at just 10 years old and was always pulling ‘pranks’. Jeffreys pranks including randomly shouting, bleating like a sheep, and most memorably, faking epileptic fits.

June 4, 1978: By the time that Jeffrey had graduated from high school, his parents were going through a very difficult divorce and due to the fact that he was now legally an adult, he was actually living by himself in the home while his parents and brother lived elsewhere. Jeffrey had less emotional support than ever before and all the freedom in the world.

June 18, 1978: 19 year old Steven Mark Hicks was hitchhiking when Jeffrey drove by him and stopped, suggesting that he come back to his home for a few beers. Hicks agreed and the two went back to the house and began to drink, everything was going fine, until Hicks tried to leave. It is believed that Jeffreys crippling fears of abandonment kicked in and he flipped. He grabbed a barbell and began to club and then strangle Hicks with the weapon. According to Dahmer, over the next few weeks (!) Jeffrey stripped the flesh from the bones using acid (like he apparently had to a whole host of animals previously) smashed the bones and disposed of the remains in his back yard.

Dahmer would later claim that he had killed Hicks because he didn't wat him to leave. This reasoning would later be corroborated by at least one survivor of Jeffreys attack, claiming that Jeffreys entire personality changed when he mentioned wanting to leave. This reasoning isn't difficult to believe when you consider the lack of parental support, tendency to move, and I believe most noticeably his memory repression

After his high school graduation Dahmer enrolled in Ohio State University but he stayed only one term before dropping out.

December 24, 1978: Lionel remarried.

December 29, 1978: Jeffrey was trained as an army medic and shipped of to Baumholder Germany. This happened not long after the Vietnam war, and morale and discipline was at an all time low within the armed forces at the time, and drug and alcohol abuse amongst the soldiers was rife.

Dahmer’s reputation changed once he joined the army, he was no longer known as a clown an a prankster, but as an aggressive drunk.

(Interesting side note, after his arrest police actually looked into murders in the area were he was stationed to see if he was active while he was there, and there did appear to be a serial killer in Baumholder at the time, but it is not believed to be Jeffrey since it was young women being killed, and as far as is known, Jeffrey only killed men.)

1980′s

March 26, 1981: When Jeffreys drinking reached the level were he was no longer able to do his job, he was discharged from the army and sent back to the US. When he got back, he slept on the beach in Florida for a few months before returning to Ohio.

October 7, 1981: Dahmer was arrested for a drunk and disorderly and resisting arrest and paid a small fine.

August 7, 1982: Dahmer was arrested again for another drunk and disorderly. He dropped his pants in public. By this point in his life Jeffrey had moved in with his grandma, who was apparently the only person in his family who actually showed Jeffrey any affection.

September 8, 1986: By this time, Jeffrey had gone off the rails, and was getting himself into trouble pretty often. He was arrested once again for exposing himself to a group of children in Milwaukee. There are two different accounts of what happened at that time, (he was either urinating or masturbating).

Dahmer was also now frequenting gay bars and bath houses often, and actually got himself banned from one bath house, for drugging at least 4 men. No official charges were filed against him, but one of his victims was hospitalised for about a week.

September 15, 1987: According to Jeffrey, he woke up in a hotel room to find the dead body of 24 year old Steven W. Tuomi. He transported the corpse to his grandmothers home in a large suitcase, disposing of the body pretty much as he had Steven Hicks.

Nine years passed between the murders of Hicks and Tuomi, which is pretty unusual for a serial killer to do. He spent years before this second murder working his way up to it, learning how to pick up men, how to drug them, and how much. We still don't know for sure whether or not Jeffrey actually remembers the murder or not. It is possible that he was just too drunk to remember, or that, like he had for earlier trauma, he repressed the memory. I personally find it like likely that the latter is true to be honest, as it seems strange to me that he would admit to all his other crimes and not this one. Also, Jeffrey would later say that he didn't actually enjoy the killings, and that there were a necessary evil in order for him to get the bodies.

January 1988: Jeffrey offered 14 year old James Doxtator some money if he agreed to pose nude for some photos. After James agreed Jeffrey took the teenager back to his grandmothers house. After raping James (Dahmer described it as sex but James was still a child so it was actually rape) Dahmer drugged and then strangled the boy. By now his method of disposal, acid and crushing bones was well practiced.

March 24, 1988: 25 year old Richard Guerrero also came back to Jeffreys grandmothers house, once again for nude photos, and once again after sex, he drugged and strangled the young man.

September 25, 1988: Jeffrey finally moved into his own place, which is where the pace of his crimes really picked up, since he no longer felt he needed to be careful, he once again had all the freedom that he wanted.

Once he moved in, he met a 13 year old boy, who was once again offered money to pose nude for him. Jeffrey drugged the boy sing coffee and fondled him, but luckily the young boy escaped.

January 1989: Jeffrey was arrested and this time charged with 2nd degree sexual assault and enticing a child for immoral purposes.

March 25: Dahmer met Anthony Sears, 24, at a club, and like he had previously he drugged and murdered him after sex. After Dahmers arrest, Sear’s skull was recovered from Dahmer’s apartment. He had painted the skull.

May 23rd: Jeffrey was sentenced to 5 years and three years, for his attack on that 13 year old boy, but he only served 10 months before he was out on a probationary period of 5 years.

1990

May 29: Dahmer met 33 year old Ricky Beeks at a club, and used his usual MO of bribing, drugging and strangling. However this time Jeffrey had sex after he was dead, instead of before. Once again, Jeffrey had painted the mans skull, which was recovered after his arrest.

June 1990: 28 year old Edward W Smith was killed in the same way as Dahmer's previous victims, but this time Dahmer did one thing different. Jeffrey took photos of the dismemberment process.

September 2: Something changed before the murder of 24 year old Ernest Miller, causing Jeffrey to be even more gruesome than he had been previously. Instead of drugging and strangling Ernest like he had his previous victims, he drugged him and cut his throat. Once again taking pictures of the body, Jeffrey dismembered the body, putting the biceps in the freezer, and once again painting his skull.

September 24: David C Thomas was the first time that Jeffrey killed somebody without sex being involved. It is believed that David wanted to leave before having sex with Dahmer, since Dahmer was known to kill his victims in order to make sure that they couldn't leave.

1991

March 7: Curtis Straughter was 18 years old when he was murdered, with Jeffrey this time using a different sequence of events. Previously he had had sex with his victims then drugged and killed them, and at least once he had drugged and killed them and then had sex, but this time he drugged Curtis before raping and murdering him. It is likely that this change was due to the fact that Jeffreys last victim had wanted to leave prior to sex.

April 7: Errol Lindsey, 19, last seen alive. Dahmer met him on the street and offered him money to come home with him. He drugged Lindsey, strangled him and had sex with the body. The unpainted skull was recovered from Dahmer's apartment.

May 17: 14 year old Konerak Sinthasomphone was pickes up by Dahmer outside of the mall, he went with Jeffrey under the promise of money for nude pictures. After drugging the boy Jeffrey apparently felt pretty comfortable, ince he left the home to go out for a beer. The boy managed to escape, naked, and the neighbours called the police. Somehow however Jeffrey managed to convince the police that responded that he and the teenager were simply lovers who had had a fight (I don't know how they could be so stupid, this is a drugged child and a 30 year old with a pretty lengthy criminal record, including the sexual assault of a minor?! Like how do you just let that be?!) and the police actually RETURNED the poor boy to the sick serial killer. Dahmer strangled the 14 year old as soon as the police were gone, had sex with the body and then took pictures like he had previously. Konerak’s skull was also recovered from the apartment.

Once people actually discovered what had happened the officers involved received mild disciplinary action (which is nowhere near enough) and the department was sued.

May 24: Deaf and mute 31 year old Tony Hughes had reportedly known Dahmer for about 2 years when Dahmer, by writing on paper, offered the man $50 to come and pose nude for him. Hughes was drugged and murdered without sex. Once again Hughes skull was found in Jeffreys apartment.

June 30: Matt turner was killed by Jeffrey after a gay pride parade. After cutting the body up the head was put in the freezer and the rest was put into a barrel of acid.

July 6: 23 year old Jeremiah Weinberger travelled with Dahmer from Chicago to Milwaukee where he then stayed overnight. Like the previous cases, everything was fine until Jeremiah decided that he wanted to leave, at which point Dahmer drugged, killed and disposed of the young mans body.

July 15: Jeffrey was fired from the Ambrosia Chocolate Co. for bad attendance.

On this same day Oliver Lacy, 23, was killed by Dahmer. Jeffrey had sex with the body before dismembering it, at which point he put his head In the fridge and heart in the freezer “to eat later”.

July 16: Joseph Bradehoft, 25, met Jeffrey at a bus stop, where Dahmer offered him money to pose for nude pictures. After sex, Dahmer drugged him and strangled him with a strap. He dismembered the body and, as before, put the head in the freezer and the body in the acid barrel.

July 22, 1991: Shortly after midnight, Tracy Edwards, 32, escaped from Dahmer with one hand in a handcuff and flagged down a police car. He lead the cops back to Dahmer's apartment. They found photos of dismembered victims and body parts in the refrigerator and freezer. Shortly, the sight of crews in biohazard protection suits taking evidence out of Dahmer's apartment was televised all over the world. The suits were necessary because of the smell of decay in the apartment and because of the acid in the barrel.

Caught red-handed, with overwhelming physical evidence against him, it's not surprising that Jeffrey confessed. His dry, unemotional descriptions of murdering a dozen and a half young men belied the reality of brutality and sadism that was revealed in Tracy Edwards' testimony.

It's possible that the sameness of the descriptions (Offers of money to pose, drugs to knock them out) was not entirely accurate. Tracy Edwards claimed he was not offered money, that he only went to Dahmer's apartment for some beers before going out again. He may have been covering up his own indiscretion, or Dahmer may have lied about the ways he lured people back to his apartment in order to make them seem less like innocent victims.

Edwards was drugged, but did not lose consciousness. This raises the possibility that the sedatives Dahmer gave victims were intended only to weaken them, while leaving them aware of what was being done to them. Dahmer had certainly had enough practice by then to have a good idea what dose was needed to knock a man out. Dahmer may have enjoyed taunting the victims about their fate and killing them, slowly, much more than he let on later.

Dahmer also claimed that he needed to drink heavily in order to be able to face killing people, but we know that he was a hard-core alcoholic for much of his life. For him, making excuses for drinking was normal and can not be regarded as likely to be honest.

1992

January 14: Dahmer entered a plea of guilty but insane in 15 of the 17 murders he claimed to have committed.

February 15: By 10-2 majority vote, a jury found Dahmer to be sane in each murder. Testimony from defense and prosecution experts took weeks and was extremely gruesome. One expert testified that Dahmer periodically removed body parts of his victims from the freezer and ate them. Another testified that this was a lie Dahmer told to make himself seem insane. The jury deliberated slightly more than ten hours.

February 17: Dahmer was sentenced to 15 consecutive life terms. At the sentencing, Dahmer read a prepared statement in which he expressed sorrow for the pain he had caused.

"I knew I was sick or evil or both. Now I believe I was sick. The doctors have told me about my sickness and now I have some peace. I know now how much harm I have caused. I tried to do the best I could after the arrest to make amends."

"I now know I will be in prison the rest of my life. I know that I will have to turn to God to help me get through each day. I should have stayed with God. I tried and failed and created a holocaust. Thank God there will be no more harm that I can do. I believe that only the Lord Jesus Christ can save me from my sins."

He later pled guilty to aggravated murder in Ohio, in the death of his first victim, Steven Hicks. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

November 28, 1994: Dahmer murdered in prison. Dahmer and two other inmates were assigned to clean the staff bathroom of the Columbia Correctional Institute gymnasium in Portage, Wisconsin. Guards left them alone to do their work for about twenty minutes, starting at around 7:50 a.m. When Dahmer was discovered, he was unconscious and his head and face were bloody. He died on the way to the hospital from multiple skull fractures and brain trauma.

A bloody broom handle was found near Dahmer, but a broom is probably not sturdy enough to inflict the damage that killed him. Reports in December indicated that he was struck with a steel bar stolen from the prison weight room.

One of the other two inmates in the area with Dahmer was also attacked. Jesse Anderson, 37, was pronounced dead in the hospital at 10:04 a.m. on November 30. Anderson was convicted of stabbing and beating his wife to death in 1992. He was serving a life term.

The third inmate in the work party is twenty-five-year-old Christopher Scarver, a convicted murderer reportedly taking anti-psychotic medication. Scarver murdered a coworker when he was angry at his boss. The boss got away. Scarver claimed his boss was a racist and there has been speculation that Scarver, who is black, wanted revenge for the wrongs Dahmer and Anderson (both white) had done to black people. The majority of Dahmer's victims were black. Anderson tried to blame two fictitious black men for murdering his wife during a mugging. It's been pointed out that a desire for publicity or status may have also been a motive.

Dahmer was attacked the previous July, also. A convicted drug dealer tried to cut his throat with a razor blade attached to a toothbrush handle, making a crude straight razor, but the weapon fell apart. Dahmer, received minimal injuries.

Scarver is said to have delusions that he is Christ. He has been in psychiatrict observation and treatment several times, with diagnoses of bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. He was found guilty of the murder, though, and sent to prison. A jury apparently did not believe he was insane.

#true facts #true crime #true #crime / law / justice #major crimes #murder #murderer #Murderpedia #serial killer #killer #the milwaukee cannibal #milwaukee #cannibalism #jeffrey dahmer #dahmer #timeline #criminal justice

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shiftyskip · 5 years

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Edward James “Babe” Heffron

The real Babe Heffron:

Edward James Heffron was born on May 16, 1923 to Joseph and Anne Heffron in South Philadelphia. He was the third of five children in his Irish-rooted family. He had three brothers: James, Joseph Jr., John (called Jake or Jack). He also had one sister named Anna Margaret. He attended a Catholic elementary school, but his parents could no longer afford it after a while and in high school, Babe attended public school Southern Philadelphia High (which he called Southern). He dropped out in his third year, to help with finances. Babe took up betting on horses. Every penny he got off of a horse race, he gave to his mother.

Babe used to rough house and play football when he was younger, but one day he hurt his hand playing. He says that “my hand and fingers contracted to the wrist and curled under, and I was in excruciating pain from my wrist all the way up the arm.” The pain would come back whenever he used his hands too much. The pain would stay with him for decades, even after the war.

His friends decided to rent a room, fix it up, and make a dance hall called the Shindig. He and his friends were at the dance hall on December 7, 1941.The brothers decided to tell their parents before enlisting. His father had a talk with them the next day, without their mom. Babe states that, “He told us that we had to fight for our country and for the freedom of those less fortunate than ourselves. He made it clear he wouldn’t accept a slacker for a son and that he was expecting us to do our part.” His father had previously served in World War I, so Babe knew what was expected of him.

Babe enlisted in August of 1942. His brother Joe was drafted into the Army while Jake and Jimmy were in the Navy. His call to service was on November 7, 1942. Which his official date of when he went on Active Duty. Babe was working at a shipyard in New Jersey at the the time. His job was to help fix up ships to become aircraft carriers and he hadn’t told them about his enlistment. His boss handed him a 2B slip, stating that he did not have to serve because his work served the war effort. Babe ripped it up in front of him. In Babe’s words: “I wasn’t going to shrink from my duty to my country. If my brothers, neighbors, and friends were all going, I wasn’t about to stay behind.

Babe went through Basic at Fort Eustis in Virginia, he was not a Toccoa boy. Meaning, Babe didn’t have the absolute joy of training under Sobel.He was assigned to B Battery, an anti-aircraft unit. He was promoted to a tech corporal and helped prepare future officers for officer candidate school. When he had arrived, he instantly put in the paperwork to become a paratrooper, but was told to finish Basic Training first. Six to Seven months later, he was given the okay and was on his way to Fort Benning, Georgia. Babe was not in Jump School until January of 1943. In Fort Benning, he was put with 1st Parachute Infantry Regiment, K company.

Night life was limited. The boys spent most of their time by reading, listening to one man’s radio, or talking about home. Lights out was at 10:00 PM and they were up by 5:00 AM. When they did get to have some more time, Babe and others went to the Bama Club nearby. One day, a wife of an officer hosted a competition. Her best jitterbug partner got a bottle of champagne. Babe went up and danced with her. He ended up winning the competition.

In jump school, Babe made a new best friend, Johnny Julian. Johnny was from Alabama and both men thought the other talked weird since Julian had a strong southern drawl and Babe did not. Babe said, “He was clean-cut, believed in God, believed in everything I believed in, believed his was coming home. We could talk to each other real easy.” Babe and Julian also became friends with J.D Henderson. Together, the three made a pact, that if one died the survivors would have to tell the parents. The trio stuck together through Jump School.

Babe loved jumps, even though his hands provided extra difficulty. He enjoyed the beauty of the day jumps, but disliked the night jumps. Night jumps were dangerous and one night, a plane crashed, killing all the men inside the plane. The night jumps were cancelled at the camp and the men were transferred to Camp Mackall for their final jump. Babe got his Jump Wings in March.

He was transferred to Camp Shanks, preparing to go home one last time before heading out overseas. In May of 1944, Babe was headed out overseas. When they reached, Liverpool, England, they had learned that the 101st and 82nd had jumped into Normandy. Babe was not part of the D-Day jump, instead he was a replacement for the troops who didn’t return from that jump. Babe, Henderson, and Julian were all transferred to Easy Company once they returned.

Easy Company’s barracks were in the middle of Aldbourne, England. Babe was told to visit Bill Guarnere. Guarnere, also from South Philadelphia, noticed that when Babe walked in, he walked like a penguin. This walk was like a duck, side to side, which Guarnere recognized as the South Philly shuffle. Guarnere and Babe only lived a short distance from each other in South Philly.

Babe learned that replacements were not easily accepted. Toccoa Men wanted little to do with the replacements. They had trained together, jumped together, fought together, and mourned together. They didn’t want much to do with a replacement, didn’t talk to them and sure as hell didn’t want to fight with one. Babe was assigned to a Toccoa vet’s gun squad, Joe Toye’s. Joe Toye, unlike the others, didn’t give a damn if Babe was a replacement and accepted him. Chuck Grant was another Toccoa man that accepted Babe easily, even gave him a new nickname: Jigger. Guarnere was also often with Babe, going out to pubs and dances. Even so, Babe stuck with his fellow replacement friends, Julian and J.D.

Babe and his friends enjoyed their time in England. Babe was often jitterbugging with girls and dancing away. They went to several different dance halls and other places. Even when they were supposed to be watching over the shed that held their chutes, Chuck Grant and Babe never made it to the shed. They never did. They were always off somewhere, enjoying a pub or two.

During his time at Aldbourne, Babe’s girl back home, Doris broke up with him. She dumped him in a letter because she’d found another man. Babe didn’t much care about it. He hadn’t even visited her before he had left for England on his last weekend pass, saying that a previous weekend with her had been, “the most boring few hours [he] could’ve spent.” The world had a funny sense of humor, because the plane Babe boarded to jump into Holland, was named Doris.

Babe was eager to jump. Babe made the jump into Holland on September 17. The jump in Holland went easy. Babe helped one mad who’d broken his leg during the jump off the field, but other than that there was not much, if any, combat. The Dutch greeted the paratroopers in celebration. They loved the paratroopers and called them angels from the sky. In Son, they received word to take Eidenhoven. On the route there, a Dutch woman gave Babe a baby carriage for him to carry his supplies in. He did so until Popeye threw his weapons in, then Babe made him push the carriage.

His platoon was the first to enter the city, and he instantly set up his machine gun by a footbridge, facing an entry way into the towns. Dutch underground members asked to attack the Germans instead, and Babe allowed them to. When the Germans appeared, the Dutch attacked them and killed all but one. The injured German was taken as a prisoner, but first a woman asked where he was hurt and when he pointed to his shoulder, she beat him with a hidden brick in her pocketbook and screamed something along the lines of evil at him. Babe said that it made his day.

Babe had many close calls in Holland. In Nuenen, a tank caught on fire and all of the men inside had died, leading it to be driven into the ditch next to Babe. How he escaped, he doesn’t remember. Later on, he thought he was hit but Buck Compton has been hit in his butt, tripped over a wheelbarrow, and hit Babe’s leg on his way down. Guarnere and others eventually rescued Compton.

To escape the Germans, Babe had to get over a 6 foot hedge. To get over, Babe had to back into German fire and get a running start. As he jumped, his rosary came off of him. Sheehy grabbed his jump jacket and pulled him over the hedge. Babe, reluctantly, was about to leave his rosary behind, but found it inside his helmet. His mother had given him the rosary before he left and he was determined to carry it through the war.

Then he had another close call as the Germans shelled a cemetery he was standing in. One last one was when he was stuck in a ditch, with Germans firing at them. He went to return fire when Guarnere kicked him backwards and back into the ditch, saving him from getting shot while Guarnere himself still stood in the fire. Another close call was in October. Babe witnessed Joe Toye and Jim Campbell go into enemy territory. Toye had called for Babe, but Campbell stepped up instead, telling Babe to stay back. Campbell was hit in the back with a shell and died instantly. Toye was wounded pretty badly. But Campbell stuck out in Babe’s mind, for he had taken the hit for Babe. Babe never forgot him.

One time, when stopped by a river, Babe fell asleep by his machine gun. When he woke up, another paratrooper was peeing on his gun, since it was too dark to see. Babe started screaming and yelling, ready to kill the man. He never did shut up.

Babe was on the front lines for 73 days in Holland. When they reached Mourmelon for their rest. All the boys who were left after Holland got dysentery. Bill, as Babe envies, missed this because he had been hit and taken to a hospital. Even with dysentery, the men continued to train and work. In December, they had all received weekend passes to various towns when Bill ran in with the news that they were leaving, the Germans had broken through the Ardennes. Their weekend passes were off and they were headed into one of the worst winters Belgium had without winter gear. They had no combat gear, no ammo, no supplies. They were headed, unprepared, into the winter.

They arrived outside of Bastogne in the early morning. Their greeting was disgraceful to Babe. They encountered American soldiers fleeing. These soldiers tried to convince them to turn back. It was a disgraceful sight for the men to see. Medical supplies were extremely limited after this. On the way up, the 101st medical company was captured, but Babe offered to go get more supplies with another soldier. On the way back, when dark gave them cover to move around, Babe suggested they take a shortcut through the woods. Babe fell into a hole he didn’t see in the dark, snowy forest. Below him, a voice asked, “Hinkle, Hinkle, ist das du?”

Babe scrambled out of the foxhole and yelled, “Hinkle your ass, Kraut!” And then he ran.

Babe attended Mass in the snow one day when Father Maloney came up. They took communion in the snow and used the Father’s jeep as an altar. Skip Muck was in front of Babe once, after the communion, Babe said: “At least if we die, we’re going to die in a state of grace.” Skip agreed with him.

They lost track of days out in Bastogne. It was a despairing, never ending situation. But the boys were determined. Babe states that, “If our general would have said, “Drop your weapons,” I don’t think a man in the 101st would have surrendered. Wouldn’t have happened. I think they would have gone against his orders. As bad off as we were. as cold as we were, as hungry as we were, I don’t think an American Airborne soldier could throw down his gun.” The armored division, according to Babe, likes to believe they saved the Airborne at Bastogne. But Babe says all they did was end the siege. The paratroopers were there before, during the fighting, and after the fighting.

Joe Toye and Babe had another close call on New Year’s Eve. At exactly midnight, the artillery started shelling the Germans. But the shells started falling short and were landing right in front of Toye and Babe’s foxhole untl Toye called the men in charge and told them to aim better. Turns out, Joe Toye has shit luck, because he was hit in a German air raid by shrapnel the next day. He came back the next morning.

Eisenhower, much to the dislike of the paratroopers, decided to launch an offensive on Foy and Noville. This extended their stay in the bitter cold, when they thought they were going to be relieved soon. Needless to say, not many were happy.

The same day, January 1, Babe received word Julian had been hit. Babe ran to where Julian was. The Germans had shot him through the throat and whenever someone tried to move towards Julian, they fired at them. Babe couldn’t get Julian away from the Germans. Julian had wanted his class ring, wallet, and watch to be returned home if he died, but Babe couldn’t reach him. Julian died in the snow and Babe couldn’t reach him. When the Germans were finally pushed back away from Julian, his patrol members told Babe he could visit Julian’s body if he wanted. Babe couldn’t do it. He refused because he couldn’t stand to see Julian that way. His only relief was that Julian hadn’t suffered long.

Times were tough for Easy. Although Toye came back January 2, the day after Julian died, the same day Hoobler accidentally shot himself and died. Babe says he was gone before they got him out of the forest. January 3, it started snowing and the boys went back into their foxholes in the Bois Jacques forest. They had just reached the foxholes when the Germans started shelling them. Toye lost his leg in the shelling and Guarnere lost his leg trying to help Toye. Babe tried to light a cigarette for Guarnere, not sure how to help the men. He thought they were both going to die. But a kid in a Jeep pulled by with ammo, Jackson pulled a gun on him and told him to take Guarnere and Toye back, probably saving their lives.

January 10, the Germans shelled them again. When the shelling started, Babe was talking to Penkala and Muck in their foxhole, which was a short distance away from his. As the shelling began, Luz ran by. Penkala and Muck yelled for Luz to join them in theirs. But Luz dove into his own. Shortly after that, a shell exploded directly in Penkala and Muck’s foxhole. When Luz and Babe went over to their foxhole, Babe says that it wasn’t normally like how they went, they just evaporated. There was little left, if anything. “They has just vanished into thin air.” Babe, even while mourning the loss of his friends, couldn’t help thinking that it could’ve been him. Babe believes that Muck, much like he said in the communion together, died in a state of grace and he thought of Muck with every communion afterwards.

By Mid January, they advanced on Foy. The well-known story of Speirs saving the day in Foy. They dug in outside of Foy. When they were preparing to advance on Noville, Babe found he could no longer use his hands without splitting pain. He couldn’t hold a gun anymore due to the pain. He had even tried rubbing ice onto his hands to loosen them up, but the pain was too severe. He was in the hospital for 5 days and 4 nights because his calcium was too low. During his hospital stay, he encountered a nurse from South Philly. She said that he looked like an old man. “That’s what war will do, turn a nineteen-year-old kid into a man.” Due to the fact Babe’s hands were so bad, there was nothing the doctors could do. Babe had to go AWOL to get back to Easy, much like his friend Guarnere had earlier in the war.

He hitchhiked his way back to the company. When he got back, Easy was sent to Hagenau to hold the line up there, but they stayed in houses this time. They spent a few weeks there, crossing the river nearby and capturing German prisoners (Jackson died on one of these trips). They had been fighting for two and a half months by the time they were finally relieved and taken back to Mourmelon.

By the end of March, Easy Company was heading out again. They were headed to Germany, the Ruhr pocket near the bank of the Rhine River. The men were going from house to house to search out Germans. Babe had nightmares about for years about an incident that happened on patrol. His orders were to clean out one side of town, when he stumbled upon a bomb shelter. The procedure was supposed to be throwing a grenade in the bomb shelter and then kicking the door open. Babe felt he shouldn’t throw the grenades, and he told the others not to and kicked the door open. He stumbled upon a girl about 20 years old, with toddlers and an old couple was behind her. Babe had nightmares about what would’ve happened if he had thrown the grenade first and accidentally killed them. He says he wouldn’t have been able to live if he had killed them.

On another patrol, Spina and Babe stumbled upon several men in the house. They had a small jar of money with them. Babe and Spina took the money, which the other men claimed was a payroll, and the next day gave it out to displaced persons (recently liberated from camps) after church. They’d earned it.

They stayed on duty till the end of April. After that, Babe and Easy Company were on their way to Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest. They stopped in Landsberg for a few days, where they learned a Concentration Camp was located. When Easy arrived, the sight was devastating. In his words, “If any of the guys didn’t know why we were fighting, they knew then.” He continues later, “If anyone tells you the Holocaust didn’t happen, or that it wasn’t as bad as they say, no it was worse than they say...It wasn’t fair.”

Easy Company soon continued after helping liberate the camp and made their way up to the Eagle’s Nest. As they went. they passed many German soldiers surrendering and many dead SS officers. Some took their lives, other times the French killed them, and Easy let them have that. On May 5, Easy took Berchtesgaden and were the first ones in the Eagle’s Nest. There, with little resistance, they looted and drank to their hearts content. Babe didn’t like the drink choices very much, so he didn’t drink much. But he says he did have a glass of Hitler’s champagne.

On May 7, Babe was directing POW traffic when a car pulled up to him. A German general and colonel sat in it. The general was driving the colonel. The colonel told Babe that the general, General Tolsdorf, wanted to surrender to someone of equal rank and asked Babe to find someone. Babe told him to get out of the car. The general got out of the car and saluted to Babe. Babe didn’t salute back and sent the general on his way to Colonel Sink with another lieutenant. Babe then searched his car and took anything of value with him. Babe later learned that this specific general had been in command of the German troops in the Bois Jacques woods.

May 8, 1945 the war was over. Easy Company left the Eagle’s Nest and went to Saalfelden, where Babe looted and got a gold sword with a swastika engraved on it, encrusted with stones. He took it with him. They were transferred to Kaprun, where they stayed for several months. There Babe met a small, Polish girl, Annie, from a DP camp. (This was common among the troopers and some even married the women in the camps) Sadly, at the end of July, Babe had to leave. Easy Company boarded a train for France, but somehow Annie had found his train. Annie chased after him, with a small suitcase, and the boys hung Babe out the boxcar by his ankles. Annie gave up chasing him after a while.

In France, Babe did his last jump, this was a qualification to receive jump pay. The man before him hesitated and when Babe got him out of the plane, Babe had jumped wrong. He was facing the wrong way (towards the motor, not the tail) and his ropes were tangled. Babe panicked and started saying his Hail Marys. He eventually got his legs untangled, his chute opened, and he landed safely.

Babe was discharged in December of 1945. He arrived back home and meet his brothers, Jimmy and Joe, and his father at a local bar. His mother had suffered a heart attack while he was gone, but she had recovered. Babe went to work when he got home. He only worked 2 jobs, and both of them were with Guarnere. He worked at the waterfront as a cargo checker and clerk. He worked there for 27 years until his retirement.

Babe returned to playing football every weekend. He played on a team with other veterans from the war. He played with that team until he was 32. He also went back to betting on horses. There’s even one named after him in Ireland. The horse is Babe Heffron, and it jumps hurdles. Babe was pretty amazed by the fact he had a horse named after him.

A year after the war, Babe went to go find Bill Guarnere. Babe found him shooting dice in the street. Babe immediately jumped on him, forgetting that Bill was wearing a prosthetic leg. Bill told him that he had thought he was the cops at first. Babe and Bill went out for a drink, Babe met Bill’s wife. Babe and Bill were inseparable after that. They attended Easy Company reunions (which Bill started and ran for 60 years) together, went to Europe many times together, worked together. They worked on construction projects and each others houses together. Bill copied Babe’s phrases, to the annoyance of Babe. They even got arrested together. They went to an Holocaust memorial dinner together, where they met survivors of the Concentration Camp Babe helped liberate. Bill was Babe’s best man at his wedding.

Babe married Dolores Kessler when he was 37. She had three kids from a previous marriage, Dolly, Harry, and Bobby. Two years later, Babe and Dolores had a daughter named Patricia, who they called Trisha. Trish called her godfather, Bill Guarnere, Uncle Bill.

Babe’s hands healed 23 years after he first got home. His hands never bothered him again. He figures his body was lacking something, and after drinking a lot of milk, he got it. He was never told what was wrong with him.

Babe couldn’t face Julian’s mother for 12 years. He finally contacted her and he visited her at her daughter’s house nearby. Babe gave her the regimental scrapbook, the only one he owned. Babe broke down, while Julian’s mom remained tough. “She was a better soldier than I was,” Babe said. “I knew Julian was looking down on me saying, “Good job, well done.””

Band of Brothers was published and soon the HBO series was in production. Babe and Guarnere were brought out to meet their actors, who they had only had phone conversations with. Robin Laing, a Scottish actor, was playing Babe. Babe had some concerns on how Robin would play him, especially with the South Philly accent, but they vanished when he met Robin. He even teased Robin about the Philly Accent, but told Robin that he did fine. According to Babe, Robin sounded just like him. Robin even had rosary beads and scapular, just like Babe in the war, which touched Babe dearly.

Bill and Babe stayed at a fine hotel, with HBO providing an open tab, and invited the actors back for drinks. They drank those poor kids under the table and by the end of the stay, they had a $5,000 liquor bill. in the hotel, Bill and Babe gave away any momentos they could to others. One time, Babe put three shirts on, saying, “I know they ain’t gonna get me this time...”, but by the end of the night both men were in their underwear in the hotel. They had given nearly everything away. Babe even gave Robin his scapular, the very one he’d carried through the war.

Babe had told Richard Speight Jr., who played Skip Muck, about his last communion with Skip. After the communion scene, Speight turned to Robin and said, “Well, Heffron, if we die, we’ll die in a state of grace.” Babe was forever touched by Speight’s actions.

Babe, although he did not watch most of the series because it was too hard to handle, did have a guest appearance in one of the episodes. He’s seen as a cameo in Holland, when Talbert is kissing a Dutch girl.

After Band of Brothers, Babe and Bill had a book published together about their story. Brothers in Battle, Best of Friends was published in 2007.

Babe died on December 1, 2013. His ashes, along with his wife’s, were later put in bronze heart and put it a statue dedicated to him in his hometown of Philadelphia. Guarnere also has a statue in Philadelphia, so even in death the two are never far apart.

#edward heffron #profiles #band of brothers #babe heffron #Real Life Band of Brothers #real band of brothers

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miracles-totally-come-true · 4 years

Text

When I Will Be Gone (1/2)

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Pairing: Logince

Summary: Logan loves Roman with all of his heart. Logan can see that Roman wants to do more with his life. Logan can also see that his own life just isn’t working. Logan thinks he can fix both of their problems.

Roman only wants to spend his life with his boyfriend. He’s perfectly fine with giving up on his dreams if it means waking up every day to see Logan’s face.

Roman wishes he had said that sooner.

Ao3 link: (Tumblr isn’t letting me link it in a neat and simple way, so you get a large oversized link to the fic)

This was meant to be read as a oneshot, but since Tumbr doesn’t like me for some reason, here’s the second part

A quick note:

When anything is written in italics, this means that the text is part of Logan's recording. The recording takes place a few hours earlier than the story's present day.

—————————

By the time you are listening to this, I will be gone. Not dead, most likely, but gone.

January 18th, six years prior to the recording

Sunlight dancing through the trees, the scent of roses in the air. Logan and Roman sat on a checkered picnic blanket, hand in hand.

Roman, I love you more than the world, but I think we both know that I was always bound to fail as your boyfriend.

March 15th, six years prior to the recording

The last scene in the movie had come to a close, just as Logan finally stirred in his sleep, slowly waking up. Roman glanced down at his boyfriend, who was leaning on his shoulder, before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

I that thought I was helping you to achieve your dreams, but I now see that all I was doing was holding you back. I wish I had seen sooner.

November 3rd, six years prior to the recording

Roman quietly opened his boyfriend's bedroom door. He draped a blanket over the shoulders of the figure passed out at the desk and placed the cupcake he had carried in beside the mountain of paperwork.

"Happy birthday, my love," Roman whispered.

Roman, you are the most incredible human being I have ever met.

December 1st, six years prior to the recording

A smile fluttered across Roman's lips as Logan brushed a strand of hair out of his boyfriend's eyes.

The way your eyes light up when you smile fills me with a kind of joy that I did not think I had the ability to possess.

January 18th, five years prior

Roman grinned and leaned into Logan's arms

"Happy anniversary! I love you so, so much,"

The blush that dances across your cheeks when out eyes meet is nothing less than adorable.

January 31st, five years prior

They stared into each other's eyes. Moonlight just barely lit up the room. Roman hoped that it was too dark for Logan to notice how red Roman's face must be.

Watching you spin around the room laughing when your favourite Disney songs come on always ends with my cheeks hurting from smiling.

February 14th, five years prior

Logan's quiet laughter filled the air as his boyfriend pulled him up from the couch.

"C'mon specs," Roman pulled him closer. "Let's dance."

Listening to you talk about the things that you're passionate about always melts my heart. I love you so much.

March 21st, five years prior

"I GOT THE GIG!" Roman had applied for a job preforming stories for children at the local theatre. "Let's have a drink to celebrate!"

Logan looked at him in confused amusement as Roman grabbed a bottle opener. "....babe thats a bottle of soda, not exactly the kind of drink one would use to celebrate with."

And it's because of how much I care, that I must leave. I can see that you're hiding your emotions behind your smiles.

May 30th, five years prior

Roman wiped a tear off his cheek as he put on a fake smile. He stared at the figure in the mirror. Roman loved Logan more than he could even imagine. His boyfriend was the best thing to ever happen to him. It didn't matter that Roman had lost every job he had tried to keep. It would be okay.

You clearly want more than anything to follow your dreams but you don't. Why?

June 12th, five years prior

Roman pressed his lips to his boyfriend's knuckles. "I'd travel to the moon and back if it meant simply seeing your face."

So many hours were spent with me laying on my bedroom floor, trying to figure out why you refused to go out into the world and pursue a better life. Then it hit me. I am the problem.

Present day, Roman's perspective

Roman's jaw dropped and his heart fell as he listened to the recording that he had found in his and Logan's apartment. It had been addressed to him, and he had found it sitting beside a single blood red rose, and a golden locket containing a photo of him and Logan. It hadn't been long before Roman had put two and two together and figured out that there was something else going on here. This sounded bad.

As long as I stay by your side, you'll stay stuck in an unfulfilling life.

July 2nd, five years prior

They lay in a meadow, side by side, fingers entwined.

"I love you Logan,"

"I love you too,"

Please don't be sad.

August 15th, five years prior

Logan wiped away the tear rolling down Roman's cheek.

I would have told you all this in person, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to bare seeing your pain. I knew that I'd back out the second we stood face to face.

Present day, Roman's perspective

Roman picked up the rose. He ignored the thorns that pricked his skin.

"Logan, why, why why why," he could feel more tears forming.

I love you so much, Roman. I never would have gotten this far in life without you, but as they always say mall good stories must come to an end.

December 26th, five years prior

Roman closed the storybook, a smile on his face. He plucked the glasses off his sleeping boyfriend's face and set them on the nightstand.

I've hit the metaphorical dead end.

January 30th, four years prior

Roman glanced at Logan, who was sitting in the passenger seat,

"I-I think we're lost,"

"Now you admit it?" Logan raised an eyebrow. "Here, let me drive for a bit."

My family disowned me for my sexuality.

February 13th, four years prior

Roman's heart dropped as he saw the mess of tears streaming down the typically calm man's face. "You told them?"

"...I did."

I was fired from my job at the lab, simply because I argued that the animals being used as test subjects were not being treated fairly.

January 1st, four weeks prior

"They're fools for firing someone as intelligent as you,"

"No, they're right to do this. I tried to think with my heart instead of my head for once, and made the mistake of bringing emotions into a workplace,"

"Well either way, they just lost their best scientist,"

All of my friends left eventually because of how many walls I put up.

December 2nd, two months prior

"Did Virgil call?" Roman frowned when he saw the sad look on Logan's face.

"Yes, yes he did. I'd rather not talk about it though. How about we make dinner?"

My own cautiousness and inability to be overly emotional have been my own undoing. You are the last good thing left in my life.

March 14th, four years prior

"Logan, you are absolutely not just an emotionless robot! You're the sweetest guy I know. Don't you dare let any assholes tell you otherwise!"

I may not believe in soulmates, but I truly think that we are as close as it gets.

June 8th, four years prior

"Aw, you don't think that we're soulmates?" Roman said with a pout in his face. "Why not?"

"I simply said that I don't believe in such things," Logan pressed a quick kiss to Roman's forehead. "Now get sleep, we both have work to do tomorrow."

My story has come to an end, but yours is just beginning.

August 17th, four years prior

Roman gazed lovingly at the stacks of books lining the shelves that surrounded the place where Roman and Logan sat.

I know that I don't have the emotional capacity to be able to make an accurate estimation as to how long it will take for you to be able to get over this, but for both of our sakes, I do hope it will be quick.

October 6th, four years prior

Roman sighed. His boyfriend had obviously stayed up all night working again. When he peeked at the pile of notes on Logan's desk, his face lit up. From the looks of it, Logan had started teaching a course at a local college, which had always been something he had wanted to do.

I can tell that you're hiding sadness underneath all the smiles, you don't hide it very well.

December 31st, four years prior

Smiles. Grins. Laughter. Joy. Roman's entire life was based around joy. He couldn't just go tell Logan that he was sad about losing another job, that would ruin his whole facade. No, he would have to just get another job as quickly as possible.

I haven't seen enough of your genuine smiles lately.

January 14th, three years prior

Roman was so happy for the first time in what felt like ages. Logan had finally agreed to get a pet! Granted, it was a goldfish, because Logan claimed that neither of them had the time to take care of a puppy, but a pet nonetheless!

He named it Roman Jr.

You clearly want to do something more with your life, but you don't.

February 14th, three years prior

"Vegas would be a nice place to live one day, or LA. Ooh maybe London,"

"What, life isn't enough for you?"

"Never,"

And since I've heard you joke about me being the tether keeping you from being a star, it wasn't hard to realize that the only logical explanation is that I'm the one keeping you stuck in this small town where it is impossible for you to follow your dreams.

Present day, Roman's perspective

"I never meant it. They were nothing more than jokes. I would do anything to keep the small life we share," yet more tears rolled down Roman's face as he spoke to the empty room.

I say that you are the only thing left in this world for me, but if you can't be happy with the life we have, then I have truly failed.

April 7th, three years prior

They lay on a Roman's bed, a Disney movie playing on his laptop, long forgotten. Roman snuggled closer, savouring the moment.

The only way I can think of to fix this, is to completely disappear.

July 25th, three years prior

They sat under a cherry blossom tree, watching the petals fall around them.

"This is magical," Roman's voice was barely a whisper.

"There's noting out of the ordinary about the situation, except for the fact that the petals are dropping later in the year than they usually would," Roman merely grinned.

You're the only one who could possibly miss me, so I have three requests for you.

Next part

#logince #logan sanders #roman sanders #logan x roman #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #fanfiction #logince angst #angst #tw suicide #fanfic

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stephhannes · 4 years

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new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open.

-mount eerie, love without possession

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand).

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died.

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to.

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least.

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will?

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious.

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th.

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t.

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit.

and so far, the second year has been harder.

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now.

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am.

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying.

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again.

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost.

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work).

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work.

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again.

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone.

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder.

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did.

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december.

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement.

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes.

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with.

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan.

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung.

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t.

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time.

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired.

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad.

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle.

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours?

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.”

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other.

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him.

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter.

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly.

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin.

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me.

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle.

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more.

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks.

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays.

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal.

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits.

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well.

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again.

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is.

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was.

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again.

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it.

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities.

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day.

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks.

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

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dimensionsunited · 5 years

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SEPTEMBER 2019 DIMENSIONS ENTERTAINMENT SCHEDULES & REVIEW

Members may earn 3 points each (up to 6 points) for writing, by the end of October 7 KST:

A solo para of 400+ words based on their monthly schedule (does not count toward your monthly total).

A thread of six posts (three per participant, including the starter) based on their monthly schedule.

Threads do not have to take place directly during an important date listed on the schedule, but must be related to what the muse is mentioned to be doing in the paragraph explaining their schedule/the company’s schedule for the month and/or their thoughts on the mentioned activities or lack thereof.

These schedules may be updated throughout the month if new information needs to be added.

Reminder: August schedule posts are due by the end of September 7 KST.

Overall Company

A break for Dimensions idols has been a rare sight recently, but they’ve all been granted Chuseok off for a three-day break unless they have other individual voluntary activities to attend to. For many of the artists under Dimensions, this won’t so much be enough time to recuperate after their recent schedules as it is the eye of the storm of their nonstop activities as Dimensions attempts to cash in as much as possible on their rise.

Important dates:

September 12-14: Chuseok break (no activities save for specific voluntary individual schedules).

Dimensions Soloist 1

The Asian leg of her tour wraps up mid-month in Tokyo and at the end of the month she begins her European leg of the tour, which is the final leg of the tour for her. Her comeback has been internally confirmed for October, but executives have made the final decision to do a single release instead of an album as they’d originally planned since the release will be too late to have much of a chance at awards. By the end of the month, the song will be completely recorded and mastered and she should know the choreography to the song by heart.

September 6: Warning Tour concert at Taiwan University Sports Centre in Taipei, Taiwan.

September 19: Warning Tour concert at TSUTAYA O-East in Tokyo, Japan.

September 26: Warning Tour concert at Indigo at the O2 in London, England.

September 29: Warning Tour concert at Progresja in Warsaw, Poland.

Dimensions Soloist 2

It’s finally the month of his first solo concert so management around him is buzzing in a way that usually only happens during comeback season. The tickets have sold well, so things are looking food for him as long as the concerts go off without a hitch, which Dimensions plans on ensuring by making sure the set list is drilled into him over and over again with practice leading up to the big weekend.

Important dates:

September 21: Ever After concert at Yonsei University Auditorium in Seoul, South Korea.

September 22: Ever After concert at Yonsei University Auditorium in Seoul, South Korea.

Gal.actic

Their pride festival performances last month went well and Dimensions is considering the possibility of expanding their target demographic more now. In the mean time, they’ve managed to book a deal as the new faces of sports wear and sports equipment brand Sports 7330 and will film a CF for them. Additionally, they’ll begin filming the reality show they were promised and the concept will be revealed to them as a show where they attend college to study skin care and cosmetics alongside a male comedian and a rising male model. The show will be titled Gal.actic Beauty School. The first of four episodes will film at the end of the month. They’ll learn about the making of cosmetic products and brainstorm about what product they want to make in teams, then they’ll have a meeting with their team leader’s friends which will be filmed with a “group date” vibe this episode for the “college experience”.

Model team: Leader/main vocal, main rapper/main dancer/vocal, and vocal

Comedian team: Lead vocal, maknae/vocal, and lead rapper/lead dancer/vocal

Important dates:

September 19: Sports 7330 CF filming.

September 27: Gal.actic Beauty School episode one filming.

Alien

Though they’re in the middle of music show promotions, Dimensions have opted for a big push overseas, which is evident in Alien’s schedule. Early in the month, they’re set to perform in the Philippines, and after Chuseok, their English version of Play It Cool releases as a prelude to a a few performances in Las Vegas. After they officially wrap music show promotions, they’re booked for a German K-Pop festival and once they return to Seoul, they’re on the clock quickly ticking down to the beginning of their world tour next month.

Important dates:

September 7: Performance at Klook Cosmic Celebration at Hall D, World Trade Center in Manila, Philippines.

September 18: Release of Play It Cool English Version.

September 20: Performance at iHeart Radio Music Festival at T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, NV, USA.

September 21: Performance at Life Is Beautiful Festival in Las Vegas, NV, USA.

September 21: Performance at iHeart Radio Music Festival at T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, NV, USA.

September 26: End of music show promotions.

September 28: Performance at Finger Heart Festival at SAP Arena in Mannheim, Germany (also performing: Element).

MARS

English lessons are on the schedule up until Chuseok along with practice for their Canadian fancon. There will be cameras present at some of their lessons and practices to record clips for a mini docu-series on the fan-con Dimensions plans to release on YouTube. They leave for Toronto on the 25th and in the days leading up to the fan-con they’ll film more for the mini-series by exploring Toronto together, with the itinerary mostly being up to the members. On the 28th, they’ll do a surprise public performance of “Cactus” and “Callin” and will later in the day stage a surprise for a dance cover group who is performing their song in public by joining them.

Important dates:

September 25-September 30: Mini docu-series filming.

September 29: MARS Global Fan-Con in Toronto, Canada.

September 30: MARS Global Fan-Con in Vancouver, Canada.

7ROPHY

Music show promotions end with only one win, but that’s still better than was expected from them before this year. Dimensions has taken advantage of demand for them in Thailand by booking them two different performances there at the end of the month, but before that, they continue their job as Kaja Beauty brand ambassadors and continue refreshing their Japanese for their Japanese comeback next month.

Important dates:

September 6: End of music show promotions.

September 10: Kaja Beauty photoshoot and individual interviews.

September 21: Performance at K-Crush 2019 Concert at Impact Challenger Hall 1 in Bangkok, Thailand (also performing: Gold Star Soloist 2).

September 29: Performance at KCON Thailand at Impact Arena in Bangkok, Thailand (also performing: BC Soloist 1)

Unity

The beginning of the month will look promising to fans who have been asking for Unity to be given a break, but contrary to their lack of public schedules, they’re hard at work behind the scenes to learn and record the English version of “Highway to Heaven” which will be released, non-promoted, next month. Following Chuseok, they’ll fly back out to the US to film the music video in the Mojave Desert over two days before returning to Seoul. Starting from the 21st, they’ll have a series of overseas performances and appearances to keep them busy.

Important dates:

September 16 & 17: Highway to Heaven (English Ver.) MV filming in the USA.

September 21: Performance at K-FLOW2 Concert at National Taiwan Sports University Arena in Taipei, Taiwan.

September 23: Angel Japan 1st Meeting 2019 Welcome To Our Playground Part 1 & Part 2 fan meetings at Makuhari Messe in Chiba, Japan.

September 25: Release of Awaken Japanese album.

September 26: Awaken Hi-Touch at Roppongi Hills Arena in Tokyo, Japan.

September 28: Performance at Global Citizen Festival at Central Park Great Lawn in New York City, NY, USA.

Lucid

Their second block of Lucid Look After Our Dog shooting is set for this month, on top of two college festival performances and a cover video filming. Dimensions has arranged for Lucid to prepare a mash-up dance cover of some of the year’s boy group releases, Origin’s “Boy With Luv”, Knight’s “Love Shot”, Alien’s “Alligator”, and Unity’s “Simon Says”, for an industry YouTube channel, which will give them a chance to show off their more girl crush charms that have been less prevalent this year. For this month’s Look After Our Dog filming, they remain in the same teams, but meet new dogs for two new live streams. Team B once again wins for episodes 3 and 4 while Team A wins for the first time for episodes 5 and 6.

Team A

Main vocal/lead dancer (Team Captain)

Main dancer/vocal/rapper

Maknae/vocal

Episodes 3 & 4: Binu (Maltese) & Shampoo (Maltese) - Missions: Go camping, feed them cabbage, give them an afternoon nap

Episodes 5 & 6: Danchu (Coton de Tulear) & Kkomaengie (Coton de Tulear) - Missions: Do a wedding photo shoot for the dogs, make a cake for them, throw a birthday party for them

Team B

Main rapper/vocal (Team Captain)

Lead vocal

Leader/lead vocal/lead dancer

Episodes 3 & 4: Kwansun (Afghan Hound) - Missions: Take for a walk, go to the salon and style her hair, create fun memories

Episodes 5 & 6: Nicole (Welshi Corgi) & 7 puppies - Missions: Name the puppies, feed the puppies, go to the clinic and get the puppies’ first vaccinations

Important dates:

September 7: Lucid Look After Our Dogs episode three and four filming.

September 11: Hello82 2019 Boy Group Covers video filming.

September 18: Lucid Look After Our Dogs episode five and six filming.

September 26: Performance at Changwon National University Festival in Changwon.

September 27: Performance at Gyeongbok Provincial College Festival in Yecheon.

#fmdschedule #queued post

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weaselle · 5 years

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I wallowed. That’s fine, but now it’s time to make changes.

hokay, so, time for work. Today I will work from 1pm to 11pm. Later if things go wrong, which they almost certainly will. This restaurant is such garbage. But I’m all done feeling helpless and wrecked over it. Things I need to do: 1 Take the van in to have it gutted. I don’t have the time, space, or tools, so.

2 Build the interior. Basically, it’s just two tricky long wooden boxes topped with cushion foam and some wall/floor/ceiling surfacing over some insulation. Shouldn’t be too hard or too expensive. But I’m uncertain my design is the best it could be, and it’s making me stall out on moving forward on this. Oh and these solar panels and battery bank and inverter and junk I’ve got sitting here waiting on me, I gotta install them... actually, this is quite a project. But I need to get moving on it.

(scale model of an early design) 3 Change my employment. I need more time to monetize my creative projects, but I need income while I do that, and this 60 hour a week job is killing me while preventing my progress, SO. I need a job waiting tables at night fri/sat/sun and then I need another job waiting tables for breakfast or lunch, also fri/sat/sun. This will have me working three 12 hour shifts instead of five 12 hour shifts, AND I’ll earn the same (or more!) money because my current job pays me SHIT. Then I can have 4 days a week to work on my own ambitions instead of laboring entirely for the benefit of someone else’s.

To stay on track for my timeline, I need to have all this done by September 1st, which I think is still doable. If I stick this job out until the end of August, I’ll get the rest of my signing bonus, a thousand dollars. Honestly not sure it’s worth it, but hell, it’s getting close, might as well. That’s 50 work days. Ten weeks. Just over two months. Gods and Goddesses, let me stay strong through this time. For real though, If it would make me happy and make my life easier and not interfere with my regular income... I would give up a thousand dollars to not constantly feel like I want to walk into traffic, which is what this job is doing to me. I may have to get another job sooner than later. I actually do not know which is the better course of action. Do I just quit now? Hell, if you told me I could definitely get my preferred new job situation starting tomorrow if I paid a thousand dollars for it, I would totally do it. Like, three days a week instead of five, for less headaches and more money. Maybe I should say fuck the bonus and go for health and joy instead. yeah. gonna start looking for other work this week.

#my life

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romanssippycup · 6 years

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Afterlight Ch. 1 - Disbelief

(Hey everyone! I managed to write chapter 1 in one day. I’m very surprised at myself. This going very well so far!! I’m having a blast writing it! I hope you all are having a blast reading it! If you are new, you might want to read the prologue first. It’s not completely necessary, but I suggest you do if you want some more information into the characters! That’s it and I hope you enjoy!)

Prologue

AU: Lighthouse/Human

Afterlight Chapter 1 - Disbelief

Ships: Platonic LAMP/CALM, ????, ????

Words ~ 2,365 ~

Warnings: Food mention, some swearing

June 28th 2018

7:24 A.M.

“179. 180. 181.” As each of Virgil’s feet planted on a step, climbing the lighthouse became slightly less of a burden task. He recited each number like he had countless times, knowing that with each stride he was closer to finishing his job for the day. At one point near the top of the lighthouse, he stopped to set the thirty gallon bucket of oil down to rest his biceps from the strenuous job of carrying it up ten flights of stairs. He sat down mopping his brow and pulling out his phone, determined to get the little bit of Wi-Fi that lingered on just those few steps that he sat on.

A noise of frustration was pulled from his lips once he discovered just how spotty the Wi-Fi from a nearby building was today. After his connection timed out from checking his tumblr status, he shoved his phone back in his pocket, grabbed the bucket of oil, and continued climbing, grumbling the whole way up. He hadn’t reached the Stevenson’s lamp on the top floor for a second before he heard someone call his name from the ground.

“Virgil!!” The twenty-two-year-old groaned, having just made it to the top.

“What Patton?! I just made it to the top! Let me rest DANGIT!” He set the oil down, and looked at his blackened, slick hands making a disgusted face before wiping them off on his skinny jeans and black hoodie. No matter how often he got oil on his hands he still despised the feel of it. Also the fact it didn’t wash off well made the odd scent and texture linger, even when he ate food.

“Well alright there kiddo! Logan wants to talk to us though! Just thought I’d tell you! You can leave the oil there! I’ll take care of it later!” Virgil breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thanks!” Virgil regarded Patton as the kindest adult for his age. He often felt like the twenty-nine-year-old was the go between if Virgil or their boss, Logan, ever got into an argument. Granted Logan was not an unkind person, but Virgil had a hard time understanding him. More often than not, Virgil and Logan found themselves at odds bickering over how they think the lighthouse should be ran.

On one side, Virgil wanted more technology, an elevator, and an updated lamp so they wouldn’t have to keep polluting the atmosphere. But on Logan’s side, he was obsessed with preserving his lineage and seven generations Foley's work before his. Patton could see the good in both and tried to point out compromises between them. Sadly, they didn’t always work and sometimes the last sounds heard throughout the keepers’ house for the night were slamming doors.

Virgil trudged back down the lighthouse stairs, dreading another one of these arguments with his boss. Last night had ended in a harsh argument, and he wasn’t looking forward to meeting him face-to-face again. Especially at such an early hour. Well, early to him.

Patton was waiting for him at the bottom stairs, smiling as per the usual. It looked like the former father just woke up because of the messy bed-head, crooked glasses, wrinkled jeans, and untied boots. He also stood kind of wobbly making Virgil think Logan had yelled at him for sleeping in again, causing him to sit up too fast.

“Morning Virgil!” Patton grinned as Virgil made his way down the last few steps and to the ground floor.

“Morning Pat.” Virgil yawned and stretched as they walked back to the Keeper’s house together. “How’s Logan this morning?” The smile that Patton gave unnerved him slightly.

“Well kiddo! That’s why I called you. He wants to talk to you!” In his eleven months of being a lighthouse keeper, Virgil would say there was never a moment where he felt more anxious about talking to his boss than this.

“Oh god…” And his anxiety only continued to heighten as they walked towards the door of the Keepers’ house. The reason why Virgil had gotten up so early to get his job done was to avoid Logan, not confront him!

“Don’t worry Virge! Everything’s fine I promise.” Those words should have comforted the black cladded emo since Patton was Logan’s childhood friend and knew him better than many others, but it did nothing to ease the tension in his shoulders as he stepped through the door.

Logan sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, waving half-heartedly at the two other keepers who now stood in front of him.

“Morning Logan! I have Virgil here with me.” Logan nodded in acknowledgement at Patton’s words, glancing up once then continuing to read an interesting article.

“Thank you Patton. Virgil...I’ve been meaning to talk to you this morning.” He flipped the newspaper page, unable to sense Virgil’s uneasiness.

“Then spit it out! You know how much I hate anticipation! Just tell me I’m fired and I’ll leave!” Virgil bit back causing Logan’s gaze to shoot up to Virgil’s face, his eyes hardening and softening as he searched the keeper’s complexion.

“On the contrary Virgil, I wanted to apologize for last night.” He noticed Virgil’s face twist in confusion as Patton strode past them and poured three mugs of coffee from the kettle for each person in the room. Once Virgil was given his, he sat across from his boss and slurped it up immediately before responding to Logan’s statement.

“Apologize? For what?”

“For my ignorance…”

“You? Apologizing for ignorance? What is this World War III?”

“Please let me finish.” Logan shot him a look.

“Okay, sorry that was uncalled for...”

“Yes. I wanted to apologize for being so against renovation and innovation.”

“But not for yelling at me last night?”

“Yes I apologize for that as well, Virgil. While I’m going to continue to preserve the legacy my forefathers left me after all these years, I’ve come to the conclusion that updating one or two things around this area won’t do too much harm. My grandfather did a similar thing when he bought the radio thats sits on the windowsill.” Logan pointed to the well-used electronic box, it’s antenna pointed outside to get maximum signal.

Virgil was going to comment, but held his tongue lest his words detour Logan from going down the track he wanted him too. “Then...I should probably apologize too.” He responded after choosing his reply carefully. “I don’t know much about family, so it’s hard to relate to someone whose grown up with both parents their whole life.” He wasn’t able to see Patton from his point of view, but the emo was 110% sure he was beaming at the exchange.

“No offence taken, Virgil. We are all skeptical of things that are foreign to us. Can we move on from here?” Logan held out his hand and Virgil shook without a second thought.

“Yeah. I’m cool with that. What are you planning on updating first then?” Patton came around and poured Virgil a second cup of coffee as Logan continued to sip his first.

“I would like to start with the electrical system in the kitchen. I believe we are in need of an electronic coffee maker and a toaster.” Virgil snorted at the way Logan said electronic.

“Toaster? What about...oh I don't know...internet? Wi-Fi? Ever heard of a computer?” Virgin’s grin dropped once he saw Logan’s face had lost its amusement. “Okay okay. One thing at a time. I’m thankful, I promise. Now we don't have to make toast with the oven.” He shot a thumbs up at Patton who enthusiastically returned it.

“Yes. I'm hoping after this update that mornings and nights will be easier on us all.” Logan pushed up his glasses and retrieved his newspaper. “I also have another piece of information that will interest both of you.” Patton turned his attention from the stove he was making scrambled eggs on to Logan. “Could you turn the radio on Patton?”

“Sure thing!” He whistled quietly to himself as he sauntered over and flipped the switch on, listening as the radio crackled to life.

“...another brilliant high-jack staged by a clan of Rogues off of the northern New York Coast led by none other than Roman Sanders himself. Now if you remember from our earlier debriefing rogues are citizens of different countries who were ostracized by their own governments and took to the seas to escape. Some with their families, some not.

This particular clan of Rogues actually attacked a barge, taking control of it with their combined forces and sending the large ship back where it came from, ending any sort of trading that was happening between western and eastern Atlantic countries. Studies show that American, British, French, and other governments are quite upset about these rogue attacks and are doing their best to contain them, but are having no such luck so far.

Experts say that the notorious Roman P. Sanders, also the prior first mate of Captain Roger T. Shrike who was thought to be the first Rogue of the millennium until his sudden disappearance in October of 2008, is behind all rogue activity in the Atlantic Ocean. This includes the disappearance of occasional ships and planes, and unexplainable phenomenons such as “strange lights and/or noises” some sailors claimed to experience when they passed through what is now known as Rogue Waters.

One question asked commonly by many is why Roman showed back up on the sea three years after his captain’s vanishing. Even still the Rogue captain tends to go missing during the month of July only to reappear on radar again around August 1st, the same pattern continuing throughout the last seven years. Where does the Rogue Captain go during his down time? During that month, it is stated by one of our rogue spies that Roman’s younger cousin and first-mate, Remington S. Sanders, is put in charge while the captain is on leave-”

Patton shut the radio off, rubbing his temple as he traveled back to the other side of the kitchen where breakfast was cooking. “Roman’s coming isn't he?” Patton asked as he took breakfast off of the stove and began spreading the servings equally between three plates.

“Roman always comes.” Logan set his newspaper down glancing at Virgil’s surprised face, before turning back to Patton. “Ever since the shipwreck the radio talked about, he has always come back. Although my parents and I infuriated him while he was living with us, he was still thankful for the shelter and the company. He even came to my father’s funeral when he heard the news of his passing, four years ago.” Virgil looked horrified, but his face was ignored by both of the bespectacled people in the room, even when Pat set his food in front of him.

“I was there too ya know.” Patton joked slightly.

“Yes, but you didn’t have to sail 1,000 miles urgently across the Atlantic risking your fame, fortune, and skin to be with the ones you loved.” Patton chuckled lightly at Logan’s jesting.

“I know. I know. I’m just kidding with you.”

“Wait wait wait wait!” Virgil finally caught their attention as both heads swiveled in his direction. “You’re telling me...that the most famous Rogue in the Atlantic...is coming here...for a month! And you both know him!?”

“Yes. This is where he comes every July.” Logan lifted his mug to Patton which he ignored and set the kettle in front of Logan so he could poor his own coffee.

“Wha-why!?” Virgil practically shouted! “Why didn't you guys tell me?!”

“Shhh!!” Patton quieted Virgil with a hand on his shoulder. “He’s wanted in over ten different countries including this one. We didn't tell you because we were afraid you’d turn him and by extension, us, in. This is the only safe place he has.” Logan nodded in agreement, looking at the youngest keeper with concern.

“It’s not that we didn’t trust you. We were just being frugal with our knowledge. But now that we’ve told you, what will you do?” Virgil leaned back in his chair, taking in all the information and suddenly losing his appetite..

“I’m not going to tell anyone if that’s what you’re asking. I mean why would I turn in one of the few people that is actually fighting against our corrupt government? Wait…” Virgil’s eyes grew as a realization struck him. “Is that why this place doesn’t have any Wi-Fi or internet?! To keep the lighthouse somewhat off the grid and out of suspicion?!”

Logan chuckled for the first time that morning. “Definitely not the only reason, but certainly one of them. Though Roman appreciates the safety, he’d rather me update as much as I can. Also it explains why you haven’t seen him, because I hired you as a keeper at the beginning of August, two days after Roman last left.”

“Oh my god…” Virgil rested his head on the table, rubbing his face in disbelief. “It’s too early for this...and I don’t even have makeup on! I’m just gonna go chew on this shit while I try to comprehend my fucking life.” The emo stood from his chair and slumped back to his room.

“Language Virgil. Don’t make me revoke my offer about pouring the oil for you!” Patton called after as Virgil’s door was about to close.

“Sorry Pat!” And a click was heard shortly after.

Patton sighed, sitting in the chair Virgil was just in across from Logan. “How do you think it’s gonna go?”

“Hm?” Logan sipped his coffee and finally began to eat the food in front of him. “How is what going to go?”

“This visit with Roman. I’ve only met him a couple times and this will be the first time Virgil’s seen him.” Patton also began eating. “I’m just afraid of something happening between them like the last keeper you had.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it. Virgil has his head on straight, even if he is...slightly odd. I’m almost positive no one will be hurt this time.”

“The only reason I ask, Logan, is because Virgil hates surprises and we both know how Roman is.” Logan frowned slightly.

“Unfortunately, with Roman it’s always a surprise.”

Afterlight Taglist: @tinysidestrashcaptain@pirate-patton @justanotherpurplebutterfly @randomslasher@thuriweaver @sanders-sides-thuri@justanotherpurplebutterfly@storytellerofuntoldlegends @prplzorua @amazable01@fandomsandanythingelse @parkersanders @availe @vigilantvirgil@theartsyskeleton @what-even-is-thiss @treblesanders @a-valorous-choice @romanasanders @mylasagnaisraw @milomeepit@deathshadowrules @theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly @hissesssss @mydarkstranges0n @octopushugs @confinesofpersonalknowledge @smokeyrutilequartz @sombraplayslazertag @wildhorsewolf @nightmaresides @nightmarejasmine @deathbyvenusftw @pastel-patton123 @sanderssidesdump @ilovemygaydad @my-dark-anxious-son @why-not--kat @callboxkat @himrachel @ab-artist @therealpancakeo @fandomsandanythingelse @froggyfun27 @wingedkiddos @hanramz-the-fander @spottybob @shipperofallthings-vk @monikastec @wolfbutterfly42 @lowkey-logicality @trashypansexual @saki-saks-reblogs @dementeddracon @a-valorous-choice

Platonic Lamp Excel taglist:

@trivia-goddess @vivimarius @strangerthings-and-phan @completelyclevername @watch-me-introvert @tree4life25 @sarcastic-anxious @paxtonlovestea @emokittenlikesgore @confinesofpersonalknowledge @fandergecko @urtrashhq @thegirlwiththedragonheart @too-random-for-me @whyamihereohwell @ill-interested @just-another-transblog @kickassking14 @inkyroo @staticsanders @allthemetalsoftherainbow @depressed-alone @theroyalramen @hikariyukino @icbatocomeupwithausername @magicmapleleaf @pieces-of-annedrew @saphirestrike @asalwayss @virgils-anxiety @redundant-statements-for-400 @skylagamingfea @clueingforblogs @ladynikitablack @bbcanimefangirl @dibleopard @vampyrsarah @haikyuupaladin @hghrules @migraine-marathon @samidaboss3 @proudhufflepuff @alextheodd @sandersfanderscandoers @pansexual-cat @anastasialestina @darude-sanderstorm @anarchx-kestrel @kurna-kovite @sanders-sides-shambles @royallyanxious @thestoryofme13 @i-will-physically-fight-you @a-blog-just-for-sanders @trashfireiplier @the-optimism-of-the-ostriches @221biotchplease @lacandra @pattonly-absurd @starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer @digitally-analog @my-happy-little-bean @pattykrabbies @shygirl4991 @sides-of-a-sunset @musicphanpie-b @sugarblob0 @silversunshine2012 @sanders-sides-things @lockolocka @makemeaplant @today-only-happens-once @spacevirgil @rainbow-sides @koalaaquabear @catsandrandomness @rose-gold-roman @mockingjaysinger @musicsavedmefromdeath @devastate-my-space @anachronistic-cat @heythereprincey @yourhappypappypatton @dudlebuggs @siriuswhiskers @thenerdycube @pinkeasteregg @notallpotatoesarefrenchfries @magical-octopus @virgilisaneternalmood @kirsten-the-freak @justabookworm39 @thepusheenqueen @artistictaurean @funsizedgremlin @the-lonely-angel @logan-exe @thecrimsoncodex @unknownsandersfan @yourmomsafalsehood @robanilla @dementeddracon @ive-given-up-on-it @v-blue-writer @blazeimagines101 @sanders-fam-ily @trashypansexual @toujours-fidele @grey-lysander @sehtah @lowkey-logicality @do-rey-me @hottopicvirge @rptheturk @candiukas @nottodaylogic @ffsas-side-account @idiotauthor @shadow-walker-1201 @wingless-siren @milomeepit @baileystarsketches @ace-of-hufflepuffs @ahoardofsides @bubblegum-borb @voices-and-stardust @deadinsidebutliving @acechirou @ocotopushugs @datonerougecookeh @my-dark-anxious-son @lana–22 @kentato-kenart @logically-sided @slothicity @areyousirius-noheisdead @ruuworld @an-awkward-gay @aikogumi @kickthecel @osnapitzbc @theworldismysupernova @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @mercythemermaid @etherealweekes @pearls-of-patton @jade-dragon226-fan @jesusonafrickinboat @anthoscopus @mollycassmith @hi-disappointed-im-daughter @nightmarejasmine @ace-v-p-d @acrobaticcatfeline @dreamsshadowwashere @sesame-icecream @nyxwordsmith @fireflightyt @stars-in-mine-eyes @roman-is-a-gay @reba-andthesides @thesilentbluesparrow @angered-turtle @fanatic564 @emovirgil @mydogsaresofuckingstupid @misc-merde @captain-loki-xavier @evilmuffin @k9cat @louisthewarlock @asterias-confused-writings @bekkyboo2003 @too-precious-to-process @allierox15

#sanderssides #sanders sides #thomas sanders #thomassanders #logan sanders #logic sanders #roman sanders #princey sanders #patton sanders #morality sanders #virgil sanders #anxiety sanders #LAMP #CALM #platonic lamp #platonic calm #afterlight #cefsfics

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t-al-damiri-phd · 6 years

Photo

hey, I just saw [ tereik al-damiri ] walking down the streets of crownsville. they’ve lived in town for [ a year ], and you can catch them around town working as an [ archaeologist ]. I hear they’re known to be [ intelligent & charismatic ] and [ awkward & dramatic]. if asked, they would say their aesthetic would be [ wrinkled suits after a long commute, well-loved history books, replicas of ancient statues, & quiet shy smiles ]

//Hey guys, I’ve been playing T on and off for a few years and I’ve actually played in this RP before, ages ago, but I wanted a new start and I’m really looking forward to getting to know you all and getting T out there! Feel free to message me for plotting, wanted connections, just to chat, anything!

Things to Know

Tereik is the youngest of 7 children and is his parents’ only son. His six older sisters are some of his best friends and they all stay in touch with each other, but he’s especially close to his oldest sister, Huriye, and his youngest sister Kamilah, who lives across the street from him with her 15 year old son.

T had a very loving childhood, but was in very poor health from birth until his mid teen years. He was born with a condition called Ebstien Anomaly, which required an intense heart surgery when he was seven, and he was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of three. Once his heart problem was fixed, his overall health began to improve, and his seizures lessened in frequency, going from 1 to 2 dozen a month, to 2 to 3 a month until he was 33 when his health took a turn again.

In 2014, Tereik was working alone in tomb he had discovered several years earlier when he had a seizure that resulted in a serious concussion, but because he was alone, he wasn’t found for several hours, leaving him with severe heatstroke as well. He’s never fully recovered from this illness, and has to battle not only with more frequent seizures, but with being underweight and slightly immunosuppressed as well.

From mid November 2011 to July of 2014, Tereik was in a relationship with a woman named Gyda Lance and he was head over heels in love with her, but she blamed herself for his accident (claiming she should have checked up on him sooner) and left him just days after the incident occurred.

Following his illness and breakup, Tereik’s mental health took a dive, and after Adult Protective Services was notified by one of his older sisters that he was unable to care for himself alone, he spent two months in a kind of watered down mental hospital. There he was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (and learned that he’d actually been experiencing symptoms of this disorder for most of his life, he just hadn’t realized it) and started on some medication that helped him get back on track.

In August of 2017, Tereik received word that his father was terminally ill and wanted all his children to be close to him at the end of his life, so T left his apartment in Cairo and his job as an archaeologist, and moved back to Atlanta

After he arrived in Atlanta, he got in touch with a few friends from his school days, and once suggest he look into getting a service dog, which wasn’t something he had any idea was an option, but he looked into it and was paired with a German Shepherd named Meeko, who’s been his sidekick ever since, and has saved his life a dozen times since they met.

Following his father’s death, Tereik dealt with his grief by doing a complete overhaul of his life. He bought a house across the street from his sister in Crownsville, got a job at a museum in Atlanta, and got back together with Gyda. It was dramatic, but he’s glad he did it, because those changes are what led to their upcoming wedding.

Work/Career Stuff

T has been fascinated with ancient Egyptian history for as long as he can remember, which is what inspired him to pursue a career in archaeology and then move back to Egypt as soon as he was able.

One of the biggest moments in his archaeology career, was being chosen to be part of a team that was going to do a series of CAT scans and DNA tests on the mummy of King Tutankhamun. He was the youngest member of the group, so the exciting work went to the more experienced archaeologists, but he couldn’t complain about that, he was honored to be allowed to participate at all.

His fascination with King Tut is largely due to the symmetry he sees in their lives. They both had six older sisters, fathers who expected them to follow in their footsteps but they couldn’t, and were both in very poor health for most of their lives.

The incident that brought him the most notoriety as an Egyptologist, was the discovery of a small, but totally untouched tomb. He applied for a position as the head of a dig and was awarded it, despite not yet having finished his PhD, and most people believed there was nothing for them to find, but a sudden sandstorm covered their original dig and while inspecting the area, he suddenly fell down a slight of ancient stairs. His tomb (called KV65) was the burial place for a nobleman, rather than a royal, but it was a major find and made him a household name in the Egyptology world.

After the discovery of KV65, Tereik was thrust into the spotlight in Egypt and was talked into writing a book about his rather extraordinary career. He called it “Fool’s Errand” in honor of the people who told him he’d been assigned an area that had been searched for decades with no discoveries. The book sold very well in Egypt, but hasn’t been sold in America before, but an English version is going to be released in the next month or two.

After the death of his father in early 2018, Tereik applied for a position at a museum in Atlanta. They were looking to open a new department and were taking suggestions from applicants who wanted showcase their area of expertise, and after several interviews, Tereik was awarded the position. He developed their Egyptology department with only the help of three unpaid interns, and they opened on October 1st of 2018. So far, the exhibit has been a completely success and he is very happy working there, though he still remains undecided on whether or not he’ll ever return to doing digs again.

Wanted Connections

Close Friend/Driver/Groomsman- Due to his inability to drive and the commute he has to do, Tereik has hired a full time driver to help him out. This man would be someone he spends a great deal of time alone with, but also someone he has to trust with his life, so the two have become very very good friends and Tereik chose him as one of his groomsmen for his wedding in May. If you’re interested in making this person, it’s posted as an official wanted connection, so just let me know and we’ll talk it out.

Old Friends- This one is less intense than the last one, but Tereik lived in Atlanta from 1993 to 1999 and attended a fairly prestigious boarding school (though that doesn’t have to be how they know each other) and he would like some friends that he could have known during his school days that he could reconnect with now.

Work Friends- Tereik works as the Head of Egyptology at the Atlanta History Center, but he’s met plenty of people though his work there, even if they don’t work in the same place. These could be people he’s met during his lecture tours, or the book tour he’s planning for after his wedding, it could be museum workers from any museums, or even interns who’ve worked with him before.

#crownsvilleintro #I was here as T's sister Kami ages ago #but life has calmed down a little #so here I am!#tw: parent death #tw: epilepsy #tw: mental health #tw: mental illness

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swampsail · 6 years

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I have been panicking lately about paying next month’s rent, hahahahaha

even though I have gotten a much needed second job, first job whipping the rug out from under me has really fucked me over. Needing to take Lyft or Uber to get to the new job on the opposite side of town is really hurting my bank account

I have $165 in my account right now, and THAT’S ALL. Soon I’m going to need to spend $50 on my phone bill, and about $30 or so on my water bill, and then I’m going to need to buy tampons because GREAt it’s almost period time (at least $7) and cat food (another $20)

That doesn’t leave me much for groceries or Lyft. If I want to save money by not taking Lyft, I will need to ride the bus instead, which I can do, but it will take me at least 45 mins to get to work. Which is fine I guess, except that I’d need to catch the very first bus, which comes at 6:15 am, which means I’d need to be up by 5am at the absolute latest. And this scenario ONLY works if I need to be at the new job by 8am. If I need to be there at 7am, I am Fucked unless I take lyft.

these ride apps, however, are massively flawed in that (at least in athens) the drivers are really biased about where is best to make pickups at. I live on the east side of town. There can be 9-12 drivers out on any given morning, and they are ALL downtown, 15 mins away. I can be pinging for a ride for upwards for 45 minutes and not a single person will take it. TWICE now I’ve scheduled a ride a full day in advance, and NO ONE has taken it, despite plenty of drivers being out. I was late on my SECOND DAY of new job because not a single one of those assholes would pick up my ping.

The thing is, I wasn’t in a very comfortable spot to begin with... but I was doing okay for what I was working with. Moving set my financial situation back pretty far, but I was starting to gain some traction again and I had my bills, rent, food all figured out based around what I was making with 23-25 hours a week. Because those hours aren’t so bad when you’re making $10 an hour. It was OKAY for the most part. Not ideal. But okay. I felt kind of confident

And then my bosses took my hours away. Not because I was fucking up. Because they wanted to save money. The college kids were out of town and the parking deck was slow, so they cut all day shift hours. I don’t have a car right now, so I can’t pick up any night shift hours. I’m working at this job maybe 17 hours a week, only sat-sun. My bosses KNOW I just moved, they KNOW I don’t have a car and can’t afford another one. They KNOW I’m struggling. I’m struggling enough that one of my coworkers brought me 3 crates of canned food from a food bank. I’m in a situation where I’m gladly taking handouts from people, and my bosses STILL said “well we’re cutting out day shift” These bastards could more than afford to keep their employees working during the SINGLE FUCKING MONTH the college students are gone. This parking company? It makes well over 500k a year. they are not hurting for money

you know who’s hurting for money?

ME. I AM.

So... now I have a second job, which is VERY GOOD. I’m mostly relieved. Getting there is going to be a huge hassle, but it’s the only place that ever even got back to me, and I’m in a spot now where I have to take what I can get, even if it’s far away, even if it’s less pay hourly than the first job.

and, of course, AS SOON as the new job started training me, not only did I get a call from a job closer to home, but my boss goes “Oh, by the way we’re bringing day shift back now that the students are coming in again” Despite wanting to TEAR HIS GODDAMN FACE OFF, I very politely told him that I was still only available on the weekends, and that I was going to devote more of my time to the job that is actually going to remain consistent and, you know, HELP ME PAY MY RENT. I’m sure that without me there to work day shift it’s going to be a pretty big inconvenience for you, but like... That’s not my problem. That’s your problem. Not being able to pay my rent because you’re all greedy bastards happens to be a pretty damn big inconvenience as well, and you didn’t seem to bothered by MY situation, so I don’t see why I should give a singular fuck about YOU feeling “inconvenienced” by needed to rework the schedule. I’ve been working there 5 years, I have covered for literally everyone who’s called in. I have taken extra hours, I have worked late, I have fixed shit when the managers don’t bother coming in to do their jobs. I have gone above and beyond what’s in my job description without so much as a thank you. If yall wanted me to be available, maybe you should have treated me better. As it stands, I don’t fucking CARE if you’re gonna have day shift issues without me there to cover for you and every other fuckup that can’t do their jobs properly. 8)

My boss’s reaction to knowing what a struggle this has been for me, and how frustrated I am? He fucking SHRUGS and gestures towards his boss’s office and goes “well you know how it is” No, I don’t. Because you and your boss can afford a house. You can afford food, and heath care, and fun things you don’t need. You can afford to go scuba diving off the reef, you can afford a boat, vacations, A CAR to get you where you need to be. You can afford new shoes and new clothes and a professionally done hair cut, and whatever the fuck else you want.

I, on the other hand, can’t afford ANY OF THAT. Because YOU CUT MY FUCKING HOURS. You have the gall to come up to me and tell me about the new video game set you bought for your kid, while I’m eating cold beef ravioli out a can I got from the food bank, with a plastic spoon I had to get from some fast food place. I’m not eating that shit because I enjoy it. I’m eating it because it was free, and you can’t even be assed to provide your employees with a microwave in the workplace, even though you have them working 8-10 hour shifts. Excuse the actual fuck outta you.

but well. *SHRUG* You know how it is

GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

Anyway, now I have $165 and that’s all. The one saving grace I have this month is that August has three pay periods for the first job crammed into it, and I thiiiiiink there will also be enough time to get my first paycheck from the second job. So if I’m very lucky, I’ll be getting 3 checks before I have to pay rent on the 1st of september. I will still need to talk to my landlady though, to explain to her that I might not be able to pay her on time. Which is a great feeling. This is great. If anyone is wondering why I don’t bother going into first job until 11 when I’ve been scheduled for 10, this right here is the exact reason. Because I need a little bit of extra free time in the morning to fucking cry and convince myself that I still need the money enough to bother showing up at all

#33 years old and this is where I'm at.#bullshit #absolute bullshit #I have been a DAMN GOOD employee and I'm being treated like trash #so they're getting the bare minimum out of me now #I am sick and tired of giving what little energy I have to jobs that don't fucking care #I worked myself so hard for this place and all I ever got was the head boss yelling in my face for shit I didn't even do #but I'm a stupid fuck and I stayed because It's so hard to find anything that;ll pay $10 and hour in this fucking town

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aurimeanswind · 6 years

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Back to Business—Sunday Chats 8-19-18

Okay. So Sunday Chats. How do I do this again? Oh yeah. Writing and whatnot.

Let’s get Started.

The Business Update

So as I’m sure you can tell, if you tuned into Irrational Passions Podcast two nights ago, follow IP on Twitter, or just see the silly shit I do on social media, I’ve been really busy. Sunday Chats has taken that hit, and as I don’t write everyday anymore nor am I writing every Sunday, it’s likely there is no reality I can do these on a weekly basis like I used to. Still, I’d like to work in at least once a month, which is what I have been doing. I know that’s not the pace I was setting back in the heyday of writing everyday, but I’d say I’m generally less stressed and the writing I produce is generally better than it was towards the end of me writing every day. Meaning maybe I made the right choice by decided to put a nice end cap to that journey? Maybe not.

I’ve been far more in a managing role since then, and the thing I do the most now is the thing I love to do the most, host and guest host on podcasts! My podcast output has been up about 300% the last couple months I feel, and that makes me super happy. It’s what I love to do. And with a ton of new shows coming to IP, I’m happy to be a part of them.

So let’s get the update out there. Here are some things we are doing/launching with Irrational Passions that I’m excited about, and I think you should be too!

Irrational Passions Podcast is now on Spotify! So is Input: A Video Games News Show, so if you’re a podcast listener on Spotify, I’ve got great news for you! Get Acquainted should be up there soon too!

Input has officially changed its format to focus on one news story per episode on a more intimate basis. There is still room for more traditionally formatted episodes, but episodes may be coming out faster and more frequently per week, with more focus on single stories and topics. I’m really excited about this change. Give it a listen!

Irrational Passions Presents is a new audio feed coming to podcast services around the globe, that will be home to Article Reads, one off interviews, and maybe other cool little stuff. I’m excited for the possibility it brings, and am stoked to have that out there!

Irrational Passions Video Game Book Club is a new monthly show coming TOMORROW. It launches Monday August 20th with the first part of Batman Arkham Asylum. Each game we will be splitting into three checkpoints, and discussing with varying groups of Irrational Passions members. Scott White has been spearheading and editing this show, and he has done a phenomenal job with it. Shoutout to Scott!

Podcast Ultimate, our Super Smash Bros Ultimate Podcast hosted by Mike Burgess, CONTINUES next week, with episode two all about the recent Smash Direct. We talked for about two and a half hours and it was a blast. Give that a listen on YouTube, which is still currently the only space it is and will be available. Working on possible other options in the near future.

PAX West 2018 is coming up, and much like PAX East 2018, we are coming in FULL FORCE.

I’ll be there, alongside Scott White, Logan Wilkinson and Mike Burgess.

We’ll be rooming with the fine folks from OKBeast.com, and we’ll be doing a crossover podcast with them LIVE on Twitch and YouTube on Friday, August 31st, at 9pm Pacific Daylight Time.

I’ll also be representing Irrational Passions at the Kinda Funny Interwebsite Peer Schneider Cup Tournament or whatever its called in the Hydra Theatre on Saturday September 1st at 7pm PDT. Come see me! Support me! Or just say hi! I am absolutely going to lose, but I’m going to try my best!

So a lot of this is the culmination of things we’ve been working on for a while. The Book Club especially we’ve been working on since February. Everyone is hard at work and CRUSHING it, in addition to the reviews, podcasts, and opinion pieces we will continue to put out. Jurge called this the “IP Direct” on Twitter because this is our Nintendo-direct level of announcements. We’ve been working hard and will continue to do so going forward, and while that may mean we can’t sit and chat EVERY Sunday, I still plan on making time for all of you once a month at least.

A big part of that, as some folks may have seen, is I’ll be soliciting questions for Sunday Chats on Saturdays now. So it’s the same deal outside of that, look for my tweet that has the hashtag #SundayChats in it, just look for it on Saturdays now. It gives me time to get things done and organized a bit easier and faster, and cuts less into my day off now, which will hopefully streamline the process.

That all being said, I’m going to skip game talk this time and go right into...

Questions!

Let’s get to it.

Whoa boy a lot to unpack here. I’ll go one at a time now.

Selfie Saturday has officially become Selfie Sundays. Sorry for the lack of warning all, but selfies aren’t going away anytime soon.

Am I concerned? No. Not after this last direct. You’ll hear me talk about it on this next Podcast Ultimate but for me the new Smash Bros would not be “ultimate” if there wasn’t a story mode in it. And there appears to be one, going off this recent teaser in the direct. I know it’s dumb, but as someone who predominantly plays Smash by himself, it’s honestly super important to me to have that. I think that’ll be new and I think that’ll be really exciting too!

I think as a game they will likely hope to update and support for a while to come, coming out two years into the Switch’s life and I think the Switch will be around for a while to come, that they are just teeing this up to have tons of stuff either in expansions and DLC later, and have as much in the base as it can. Smash fans I think want all the stuff from the previous games, and I think there are plenty of quality of life things that make this new as well. Like, the Wii U game was so good, but missed those QoL improvements that really stopped it from being great. Plus, it was on a platform that no one had. Now everyone has a Switch, and anyone can stop and say “let’s play Smash” and have folk break out the Switch to play Smash at any event or whatever. That’s a big deal. It’s kind of what they wanted the 3DS game to be, but even that version of the game was neutered compared to it’s same-release Wii U counterpart. Now it’s the best of both worlds, it’s a loving culmination of Smash itself and everything that’s made Smash great up until this point, and I’m crazy stoked for it.

So the Filip stuff is tricky. I haven’t really talked about it too much publicly, but the more comes out about it the more upset I get. To be perfectly honest? Yeah. I’m really pissed about it. But me getting angry helps literally no one. I took English and Journalism class super seriously, going through what little college I did. And I’m sure someone like Greg Miller would say the same being someone who went through actual journalistic training, for more than me, plagiarism is super fucked. And Filip built a career on it.

It makes me lose faith in the system of getting hired at a place like IGN. It helps reinforce those things you hear about folk that are hired out that they are just picking from a very specific pool that meet a specific vision for that place. And that hurts me. Because I would like to think and hope the quality of my work and my worth ETHIC above all and anything else, having done all I have done on a weekly basis for almost a decade would be enough. But clearly it isn’t.

But I’d rather not harp on too much about it. I do believe in good karma, and what goes around comes around, and so I will continue to push my positivity out into the world, and hope it does something good for me.

No, I cannot ride a bike. I know it’s crazy, and I know Jacob Bryant has trouble believing it.

The day I decided was the last day I’d try and learn how to ride a bike was the summer when I was maybe six or seven. At the house I grew up in there was this hill near the opening of our drive way. I took the training wheels of my Bike and went to the top of the hill. I said “this is the day. Make or break,” and I got my legs up on the Bike. I was either going to ride down that hill and keep riding, or fail and fall over and give up on riding a Bike for the rest of my life.

I pulled my legs up and....

Well, I immediately fell to the right and scraped up my knee and leg. I didn't even make it down the hill a little bit. I started quietly crying to myself, because I was like, six, took my Bike, put it in the garage, and went inside to play video games.

That was the last time I ever rode a bike.

Listen, so many folks have been coming to me saying how Video Game Book Club took inspiration from their show or whatever JON. One, it wasn’t even my idea. I did have the idea to split each game into three checkpoints.

But my MAIN INSPIRATION for the show was actually Rebel FM’s book club. The only one I heard them do was Dead Space 2, a phenomenal game. I know a lot of video game book clubs exist though, and for example Mike’s big inspiration for his ideas in the club was the GameInformer Book Club. Basically, no one is original.

I have a ton of stuff on Audible that I need to finish listening to. I do not read at all, because I’m awful, so I just listen to books. A couple I really adored and finished earlier this year were the King Killer Chronicles books. The first two in the trilogy are out, and hopefully the third will come out sometime ever in my life. They’re by Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind and A Wise Man’s Fear. Super good. Amazing world building and a huge focus on currency, which I really liked.

I really want to finish Ready Player One, I got about two thirds into it and really liked it. I also grabbed Altered Carbon, the Dark Tower 1, and You’re Never Weird on the Internet, Felicia Day’s autobiography. Those are the ones on my shelf right now.

I’ve been following some of the Tweets. I love it. I’m also going through them again with the Three Best Friends Podcast folks in a Limited Run series they’re doing, featuring: me! All about Kingdom Hearts. The first two episodes should be out now, and they’re crazy fun.

Of those three, I think Birth By Sleep is the clear winner, and it’s really because it is the only “complete game” out of the three. What I mean is there isn’t kind of, revisiting or rehashing in it. 358/2 and Chain of Memories both rely so heavily on the Kingdom Hearts 1 worlds, especially Chain of Memories, while introducing their own stories that are both very good I think, Chain of Memories being the far, far, far better one for me personally, but the repetition in both still hurts it so much.

Birth By Sleep has the issue of revisiting its OWN bullshit like seven times in that game as you play through all three stories, and that sucks, but at least it isn’t something you’ve seen in a Kingdom Hearts game before. While I think the systems in BBS are rough around the edges, later to be better realized in a KH3D or even Kingdom Hearts 3 itself, the character work in that game makes it special. Terra/Ven/Aqua is a story you are AS invested in, if not more so, than the original Sora/Riku/Kairi story. And so it is this very intimate story for fans of the series I think.

That and playing it is just the best. Especially on PS4 where I recently played it. It just feels better with twin stick controls. It’s crazy grind-y if you’re trying to do everything, sure, but all the games are in their own way in that regard.

It’s funny how mechanically KH3D is the best of the handheld attempts at side stories, but it muddles the story the most. It’s a double edged sword, where they kept going until they got it right, and in a way they did irreparable damage to the story along the way because of it.

I really don’t know. I know it’s dumb and little but I’d really love to hit 1000 subscribers on YouTube. Super inspired by the work the OKBeast folks have done with their channel, and basically Mike Burgess has single-handedly turned our YouTube output up a notch. But not just him, he has got Jurge doing video reviews too, and with Scott White’s video talents finally being shown in Book Club, they’re got me inspired to get more work up there again too. It helps especially knowing it’s not just me.

But the big long team goal is outside fo 2018, which is to go to E3 as a team in 2019. That’s the big goal.

Downloading it to my Xbox One now. Hit me up. We’ll play.

That’s the end. That’s it. That’s all she wrote. And by she I mean me, in this case. I’m excited about the future of IP, I’m excited about the stuff we are doing, that I am doing, and while it’s a ton of work and a lot of stress, it’s the stuff I live for. It’s very rewarding hugely in part to the team that is doing it and how we are working together. Stick with us, and I promise we won’t let you down. Please god hopefully, at least.

Do me a favor until then.

keep it real.

#video games #gaming #kingdom hearts #questions #Alex o'neill #sunday chats #sundaychats

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earthenfay · 6 years

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The Year I Became so Productive I Wasn’t Productive at All.

How often do you recall reflecting on your day, thinking “Wow, I was busy all day. I feel so productive. But boy, am I tired!” (“And I happened to avoid the one/two/three things I was REALLY supposed to accomplish, like my taxes or that important project..oops.”)

2018 was that year for me. No, it’s not over, but why not reflect on my habits now rather than December 31st? Why not shift the end of this year as if the dates on the calendar don’t matter. Well, that is because in this situation they don’t matter. Why save resolutions until January 1st?

Anyways, I was driving to one of my photography appointments the other day and I was listening to a podcast from The Minimalists (these guys). There was a specific thought that stood out to me, the issue of being “busy” is not the same as “productive”.

Let’s put this into context.

Almost every single day this year, or at least between February and now, I have felt really busy. Luckily I no longer call it productive, as to not fool myself into thinking so. I have been so proud of myself for all my efforts. I wake up at 6 or 7am, start dishes and coffee right away. Make breakfast. Tidy as I go. Wipe the kitchen down. Remember that email I was supposed to reply to last night. Put my toddler in his chair with his food. Write down some work appointments I had forgotten to put into my calendar. Book a few more. Remember my toddler needs his face washed, put him down. Finish the dishes I had forgotten about. Move rooms and clean the foyer & living room until lunch. Try to squeeze in vacuuming. Go back and see if people had emailed me back, find more dishes in the living room. Do dishes. Tidy the shoes. The fridge. Do the grocery list.

The list goes on and on until it’s 8pm and my feet hurt from running around all day. Curse myself for forgetting to feed the dogs dinner. Try to squeeze in more laundry and sweeping and mopping and the vacuuming I really wanted to do but didn’t have the time for. Oops, it’s 10pm and my two year old is tugging on my pants, “Mama, go for nap!”

My life felt out of control. But I was being productive, right? It wasn’t me, it was my crazy life! I was doing the best I could!

Fast forward to August 2018. Jamie and I had been fighting more, and neither of us could remember the last time we went on a date or had sex. My toddler became ecstatic when daddy came home from work and I was hurt he wasn’t as excited about me ever coming home from anything. I thought the fighting was about me not doing enough, not contributing. Some days I would be so busy that Jamie would come home and I’d completely forgot about dinner (or feeding myself the entire day), laundry piled up on the couch to fold; “I’ve just been so BUSY!” I’d say. And he would become exasperated “What did you DO the entire day?!” and I would feel like I’m not the supermom or superwife I wanted to be.

I wanted to prove to myself I could be even better so we wouldn’t fight.

I got another job. I started University.

It’s ironic, though. This job should have made my life more busy. But this job allowed me to drive around every workday and listen to podcasts. I had that quiet time to reflect, and I realized a few things. What the problem was. And how to ease it.

The problem: I was too busy doing whatever I saw needed done. No planning, no rhythm. This is why I would do dishes three times a day or the laundry would get washed and never folded. Nothing was really done. Just started and left there. Jamie and I fought about me not giving him or my toddler enough attention, because I was so “busy”. But when I took time from being “busy” I felt I had lost time during the day and was behind. I was stressed.

The things I did to alleviate that “I’m to busy and I am going to fall down and drown!” feeling:

1. I MINIMIZED our possessions. No, we don’t live with nothing in our home. But less stuff means less to clean. We have 5 plates in our kitchen. 5 glasses. ONE set of cutlery (not 3 random sets mixed together). An intentional amount of toys for my son, not a mass to clean every day. We have 4 pens in the entire house! And they go in ONE pen holder cup! Talk about “putting things away!” when they actually have one place to go. Pens run out? Buy another, or ask a friend if you can split purchasing a pack so it’s cheaper and you don’t get 6 pens, you get 3. No clutter. Less brain clutter comes with the territory.

2. I made a list. I am a lover of lists. List on the fridge for groceries. List in the office for daily tasks. List in the pantry for food stocked. It’s glorious. We recently acquired a chest freezer for those school year/winter meals. I have a list ready for that too, so we know what is going on. Less time is spent rummaging through your own stuff, and less time thinking “What am I supposed to do today?”

3. I keep a calendar/planner. Now this goes along with #2. I LOVE my planner. I currently use a 2018 planner from ban.do and adore it. Every morning I get a coffee, set the bub up with breakfast in the office with me, and my planner is one of the only items I keep intentionally on my desk and open to the calendar page. I make it a goal to NOT jump into housework immediately, which seems counterproductive but taking those 15-20 minutes in the morning to relax and look over your day is actually the best first step. I’ve missed doctor/dentist/you-name-it appointments because I got lost in housework!! Take a moment, take a deep breathe. Eat some breakfast and NOT while you are on your feet and on the go! Eating your breakfast sitting down and while it’s warm, looking over your day, will make a world of difference. Plus I noticed my toddler looks forward to sitting with me because we are very chit-chatty in the morning. :)

4. I learned to say NO. I have been really bad for this in the summer. Overbooking myself or just leaving myself no time for error or gaps in between appointments and work and coffee dates and just ME time. I’ve had to cancel more times than a good friend should and it really affected my relationships with my friends and family. I needed to learn to calm down and leave some gaps in my schedule, or else I would always feel rushed and stressed. I finally have gotten to a place where I can say, “No, Monday I have school and an appointment after, can we have coffee Thursday when I have nothing going on?” I used to try to put coffee before or after those obligations I already had and it would stack up, fast. I would end up burnt out or have to reschedule because I’m running late. Just say no if it doesn’t work (and be honest with yourself)!

5. Finally, I realized (and this is another from The Minimalists podcast I believe) that if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority. I learned that taking time out of my day to play with my toddler instead of doing those 5 dishes or wiping the fridge out is important sometimes. I prioritized. My son became more excited to see me because he knew that I was going to interact with his world a lot more, and I learned when to put the rag/broom/mop/mouse/phone down and just say “I’ll get to this later. I’m going to take a break”. Jamie appreciates it too, I hadn’t realized how much I was prioritizing keeping myself busy with my two jobs/the house/my school. And that’s not to say those things aren’t important, I just didn’t understand how to balance those different areas of my life and prioritizing helped (making a list to clarify priorities is amazing as well!).

The interesting thing is I have more going on in my life than I have in many years. But it’s something to note that I feel more in control and at peace with daily life more than I have in a very long time.

Here is to a productive few last months of 2018.

xoxo

Rosie

#blog post #mumblr #home #life #self help #mom #parent #wife #issues #personal #the minimalists #ban.do

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