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#the inverlife
invernom · 3 months
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For anyone interested in a weird fun lil personal update related to my personal gender experience & plural self-discovery, quasi-related to my coining the term graygender:
When I first tapped into my gender feelings and coined graygender to describe it, thinking about my gender gave me a feeling like floating deep underwater. It's why I went for a deep blue in the center of my first graygender pride flag.
In the years since, that experience changed, and the mental image my gender conjured up was a large, dark orb floating just above the ocean floor in deep, peaceful water. I couldn't explain why thinking about my gender returned the result of "a serene, if slightly ominous, undersea orb", it's just what came to mind whenever I thought about it. I'd even crack jokes about how odd it was!
(I also made a playlist of instrumental music that kinda matched the vibe it gave me. Might share it on here in future or smthing idk, since I really like it)
Anyways, in the past few years I very abruptly discovered I'm some kind of osdd system and the orb is another alter, who I've met and spoken to a couple times??!? And any alter that enters its nice lil watery space can only do so as a floating mote of light, that's just the rules.
But anyways it's a part of me that manipulates access to information & memories for the wellbeing of the system, while also still coming up whenever I (the always-fronting shell alter) think of my gender. The orb, so far as I know, doesn't have a name or gender of its own and doesn't seem particularly interested in them, and it/its pronouns feel most correct when referring to it.
I do have other alters with their own genders, which is still wild to me cause some of them just know they're a boy or a girl or nonbinary or something else right away, like it's obvious to them. But that's not my experience at all!! I had to muddle around figuring out what I felt, so it's quite interesting other parts of me are like "nah I already know".
But yeah anyways who else can say they've met their gender?? 😂
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invernom · 3 months
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If your serene, slightly ominous undersea orb had a color associated with it, what would it be?
Oh that's an easy one: a soft black, kinda charcoal-ish. Basically a warm off-black that you only realize is a liiiittle bit grey when it's put side by side with a true pitch black, otherwise you don't really notice the difference.
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invernom · 2 months
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Man I'm so happy I finally ditched my mental assumption that of course I have to rely on dressers or closets for clothes storage and let myself be open to alternatives bc hoo boy let me tell you my adhd does NOT let me remember anything I put in drawers or behind doors unless I use it literally every day.
But now that all my clothes are hanging on clothing racks in my room or in open-top baskets, it's so much easier to keep track of stuff!!! And the kitchen buffet I found literally up my alley is so nice bc I have a little prep area I can kinda use like a vanity and it also has additional shelves for like my hair stuff and accessories. Plus it's reasonably light despite being made of metal, and it's gonna be wayyyy easier to move with compared to my old heavy & giant wooden dresser. I was so fuckin happy when I got rid of that thing~
The goal is to continue organizing my stuff, keep things as visible as possible, and minimize junk piles/drawers for things to get lost in.
So yeah anyways if u have adhd also and need to do things unconventional or use not-usually-bedroom-furniture do itttt
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invernom · 3 days
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Help/Donation Request
I hate to be in the position where I need to make a post like this, but I'm super broke rn and I could use any financial help I can get.
I'm unemployed and job hunting rn, but I'm mentally ill & disabled in ways that negatively impact my executive functioning, time management, focus, self esteem... y'know, just a bunch of things that effect how well I can perform complex, stressful tasks like job hunting. I've been in therapy for the past few years trying hard to improve & learn better functioning skills, but it's slow work.
(and part of my therapy lately has been learning to do things I hate like "be vulnerable and ask for help when I need it," so here I am.)
Anyways, if you're willing & able to donate, any amount you can spare would be appreciated. Like I wouldn't say no to reaching $2k, but even an extra $200 would really help to take the edge off things.
You can use my Ko-fi link below, or use my Paypal email: golddew.albatross @ gmail . com (just remove the spaces).
Even if you can't donate, a reblog to signal boost this post would also be a huge help. But no matter what happens with this, I'm grateful to all my followers and friends on Tumblr. <3
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invernom · 2 months
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Look okay I may not have a formal autism diagnosis but ijs when I feel blocked on/nervous about doing a task, if I think to myself "what's the most autistic way I could approach this?" then fairly often a way forward will clarify & I'll feel less anxiety about it. Soooooo.....
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invernom · 2 months
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So I'm diagnosed inattentive adhd, undiagnosed-but-strongly-suspecting autistic & undiagnosed-but-damn-certain-of-it osdd type plural system, I have some particular experiences that I feel like kinda blur lines between diagnoses, between what traits I have and what I don't, and why I do or don't act in certain ways.
Aka I just feel frustrated about memory issues, repression & childhood & the burden of proving diagnoses when I have a brain that got way too good at masking everything, even from itself, and I wanted to disjointedly vent about it
So for a long time I've had a niggling feeling like I've been skating forward in life operating like I've always done, but there's a lot of mental processing that goes on in my subconscious that I'm not really able to touch and understand. And I feel like I have a continuous, uninterrupted experience of my life & access to memory (I.e. no blackouts or time loss traditionally associated with DID) but then again I also intellectually know I have memory like a seive and forget stuff all the time
And I can't remember a lot of my past, except when I start trying to connect to parts of myself, my experience and feelings I don't traditional access (or have long-term suppressed) when operating on a day-to-day level. Then I can get vivid, clear memories flooding back to the point where I almost feel like I'm there again (which is still fucking wild to me, when I'm used to my memories always being hazy and scattered!)
But like even though I'm gaining access to more of my memories, there's still a lot I don't have. And I've met (and blended with, at one point) parts of myself that restrict or open access to memories/information to different parts of my mind??
And blending with or connecting to various parts of myself has given me temporary access to memories, knowledge and traits/behaviors that I lose once we separate, which is fucking weird! Like afterwards I'll have clear memories of what blending was like and what I experienced myself saying, thinking or doing when blended, but like the wellspring of knowledge & personality that the alter brought up that generated those things isn't there anymore. And I can't really capture the same results if I try to mimic them without the connection. Also some of my alters have special interests and deep insights about stuff I've never thought deeply on or even thought about thinking deeply on & then they come blend with me and I'm infodumping & I'm like ???? :O
So like it's really cool to be introduced to my own hidden depths and to find out about parts of myself I didn't know about or thought I'd lost, but it's also still deeply frustrating to navigate trying to prove I'm a system or autistic to anybody who's skeptical or needs proof from my childhood or my family's recollections of me.
Like the adhd really hasn't been a problem to prove or talk about to others, but the plurality is mostly internal or is stuff I explore alone (bc it makes me feel vulnerable or weird, and generally talking about it feels like trying to describe a weird dream or a paranormal encounter to someone).
And the autism... How do I prove autism to my therapist when my brain has restricted my access to most of my childhood memories, and my family members also have shit memories (possibly bc of their own neurodivergence)? And what childhood behavior of mine is remembered by myself/others is influenced by the unique blend of my neurodivergent traits plus the hidden, subconscious work my mind learned to do & dissociate from in order to keep me functioning on the day to day.
Like the more I learn about my own brain via my system & the more I connect to my true self in its various parts, the more solid I feel in that feeling I've always had that part of the reason my surface-self is so scatterbrained and foggy most of the time is bc a LOT of thinking, processing, remembering & feeling has been happening where I can't reach.
And that's probably been happening since I was a small child, too. I feel like my smart, sensitive and intuitive little brain internalized a lot of stuff in its quest of trying to grow up & fit in & function, and a lot of autistic traits that may otherwise become a noticeable pattern in some children came out a few times for me, got a negative response from others, and bc of that I repressed and dissociated from them. Or the traits others didn't like that I couldn't subconsciously repress I learned to consciously repress or hide, bc even when I didn't understand why I had them I knew they were undesirable.
(Also, side note, I get the feeling I developed as an osdd system that has an always-fronting shell alter to handle day to day life smoothly is bc of this slow, imperceptible poison drip kinda ND trauma and repression.)
So if I'm right on this theory, then it both shows how damn resourceful & adaptive my brain has always been, and would further confirm why I'm completely screwed on ever proving my autism to someone who needs proof of patterns in my childhood behavior to diagnose/believe me.
Like the biggest, most significant breakthrough I've ever had in my life towards healing & really reconnecting with myself after years spent in burnout & depression came only bc I asked myself "hey, what if I might be autistic?" & then had a sudden, clear experience of meeting other alters... and yet those are the 2 possible diagnoses I may never be able to officially confirm.
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invernom · 3 months
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Personal venting
So like i have to get a job in the next couple weeks but I hate job hunting, I've been avoiding it for as long as possible bc it almost always opens up a whole can of negative emotions and memories for me.
And like today I couldn't make myself do it once again, and I'm trying to practice listening to & working with myself & my neurodivergent quirks, so this evening I tried identifying some of the feelings it's bringing up and I finally recognize them! It's the exact same cocktail of anxiety & overwhelm & shame & pressure that I'd get during school whenever it was the night before something big was due and I finally had to do it all at once at the last minute.
No wonder I've been avoiding it - it was literally the worst experiences to have to stay up most of the night writing essays or cramming for tests while also feeling on the edge of an emotional breakdown. It felt like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun every time. I could barely do it then, but now I'm burnt out and really really can't just push through the stress to do it the usual way.
I just need to keep reminding myself that I literally have disabilities that make doing stuff I hate & that's also difficult even harder. I know there are valid reasons I'm struggling, and I'm not just a fuckup who can't seem to ever pull their shit together. I still need to do it, but it's okay for me to do it weird and imperfectly if that's what keeps me healthy & sane. I can do this.
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invernom · 3 months
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Heating pad is love
Heating pad is life
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invernom · 27 days
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God I'm just so sick of being stressed and frustrated and on my own bullshit, but also doing better on some things I'm genuinely proud of, but they're not the most urgent thing of Making Money so ofc I'm constantly scolding myself internally for wasting time on them. Like I've never EVER gotten my room to be as organised as it's currently been, I'm dealing with messes and junk that have built up for years & I can't even really enjoy it.
And my parents know I'm not doing ok bc I'm trying to do better at asking for help and just being more honest when I'm struggling and whatnot but that means they're both trying to check in on how I'm doing regularly and i feel so fucking pressured and aggravated about it. Like they mean well, they sympathize with me, they want to help, and I can't fucking stand it regardless.
"How goes the job hunt and the stress?"
"Still BAD, just like the last time you asked! Still can't make myself do much. Still feel terrible and out of control of my life and time and like everything is crumbling around me even as I desperately try to build myself a worthwhile life. How about you?"
I hate it. I hate it. I don't know whether it'll actually help if I tell them to fuck off, in that I might still be frustrated and stressed even if they're not bugging me.
Idk i just wish there were easy answers. I wish I could heal faster. I wish I knew how other people could help me. I wish I'd started learning how to be a functional human with ADHD before I was fucking 30. I hate being in this mess.
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invernom · 2 months
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I was just thinking about how I've always hated the phrase "You have to spend money to make money" bc first off, it's not a fucking universal truth like ppl who really believe it usually make it sound
(I.e. people can make money from free/recycled/found stuff if they're creative, or they can steal from or scam others. I'm not saying those last two are good, but ijs they still technically count)
but mainly, I dislike it bc I feel like the type of folks who usually say it with conviction are:
people who are trying to sell you something that'll supposedly make you money
people who are trying to justify making a potentially risky investment/purchase themselves
or people who are financially secure enough that even if they take risks throwing money around & lose some, it wouldn't really effect them that much
Also if ur broke then it's kinda a discouraging quip to hear bc it kinda implies either ur screwed on being able to make money bc u can't afford stuff, or that you'll need to go into debt or make risky financial gambles to be able to earn anything. :/
Anyways, yeah sure sometimes it can def be true, but always take that kind of advice with a grain of salt, ijs.
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invernom · 3 months
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Do you have a favorite animal?
Not currently, I guess? I used to really love foxes, but now I kinda think like a lot of different animals are cool. If you break it down into subcategories or species I might be able to narrow down a few top favorites
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invernom · 3 months
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Finally was able to sleep tonight without pain or insomnia fucking me over, yesssssss I needed thattttt.
Augh it's so nice being able to move around and do things without counting down the seconds til I can lie back down and stop hurting again. Like I'm still stiff and sore but it's no longer "I'm going to die if I'm standing up for longer than 2 minutes bc it hurts so much"
Treasure any pain-free days in your bodies, guys
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invernom · 4 months
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sitting on hold for an hour this afternoon and I'm just like, whatever happened to Sandals & Dreams?? My favorite hold song ever.
10/10 I could gladly jam out on hold for half a day if they just looped this uninterrupted. The dreamiest smooth jazz of them all.
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invernom · 4 months
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blaaaaaghaghaagh insomnia 😑
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invernom · 4 years
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Ugh I got a new haircut and I'm not happy with it and I feel bad about not being able to express that or articulate how or why during the appointment, and I don't wanna pay more money to get it fixed but I really need it fixed. :( The temptation to just cut off the bits I don't like is very strong rn but I know that'd only fuck it up more. It's also a bad idea to do that when I know I'm also depression crashing for other reasons and shouldn't do rash stuff, so I should probably wait a day or two, see if I still hate it and then go back to a salon if need be
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invernom · 6 years
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I know it’s been a while since I posted any art, but here’s a new gemsona of an OC I made, Valencianite!
He’s a trans gem who escaped from the White Diamond court (the bottom image shown above is his original form) because he was unhappy with who he was there, and then he ended up becoming more of himself (top image) in the Black Diamond Court that @steamworkblue and I created an AU for. Which is very cliche, but also very fun to think up. Anyways, he’s a bodyguard/pilot helping my gemsona, Isopyre. Just thought I’d share my art of him here since I’m happy with how it turned out.
Below is an image of the gemstone itself, which is very cool.
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