#the inner turmoil had led him to believe that this is an acceptable conclusion to his life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starcrossed-wildfire · 6 years

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Sky Court Secret Santa

Hello darlings!! This is my contribution to a Secret Santa set up by my lovely wife Katie for our @the-sky-court!@escapingtheconstrictingboxes I did my best to provide angst with a happy ending 😉 I️ hope you like it! 😊 @thatbitchydonutcollector Thank you for always encouraging beta reading everything I write 💖 Without further ado!!!

Until the Light Claims Us…

~*~*~

The Queen Of Adarlan and the High Witch leaned against one of the many open glass walls of the castle, in her study–still clad in her flying leathers and light armor from her visit to the Western edge of her territory and holding a glass that contained a fragrant liquor. She looked out and considered—not for the first time—how strategically foolish it was to dwell in a castle made of mostly glass; especially with magic back, the chances of being observed and quite possibly even assassinated were that much higher. She had said as much to her former husband, the King of Adarlan, but he had insisted that after the war they were safe and that he had warded the castle against such an attempt.

Dorian…

She could still remember him. The cobalt, ocean blue of his eyes and the rippling obsidian of his hair. The iced peppermint smell of him and the way her name flowed off his tongue. The knee-buckling kisses and the little hitch of breath right before he lost himself inside of her. She remembered all of it—and it killed her.

Now she remembered why she had kept her distance. None of the Ironteeth witches she knew would have risked developing feelings for any male. But Dorian had never been just any male, and that had been why Manon had fallen for him. And why her heart had been irrevocably broken five years ago. If Manon was honest, it had been slowly deteriorating, dying with him. And half a decade ago some part of it was lost forever, when she held his hand as he breathed his last breath.

She had believed nothing could replace what they had found with each other. Replace all the memories that would forever haunt her. Like the moment she first looked into his eyes, though she knew at the time his mind was possessed by a spirit that wasn’t his own. The first time he had touched Abraxos, and the wyvern had practically purred. When they had been joined on that dreadful ship, and she had known he was different from every other male she had been with. During the war, when they almost lost each other. And after the defeat of the Valg, when they finally realized they were safe and could be together, the joy that came with that. Their wedding, and consummation. How he had reassured her that his kingdom would accept his choice, and damned the consequences if they didn’t. Every moment, every look, every touch, had been a gift.

But the wounds, the poison inflicting him, had effects they couldn’t have accounted for. She had to watch him grow ill and frail. There wasn’t a thing she could do. Not for lack of trying. During and after the war they had both searched far and wide for a cure, a solution–even a temporary reprieve. Dorian’s own friend, Chaol, had sought a solution from his Healer wife, but even she had not had a way to completely cure him. It all led to the same conclusion: the poisoned wounds given to him by the Valg would inevitably still kill him, but it would happen slowly. Manon would survive, because she had Ironteeth blood, but he was only human. Oh they tried to ignore it, opted to pretend it wasn’t there, but time always takes its toll. It often led to uncomfortable conversations–mostly with advisors about what would happen to the kingdom, once their King was gone–and occasionally disagreements. The couple tried not to let it stop them from embracing and enjoying every moment they could, but eventually it became clear that the effects of the wounds he suffered would not allow him to live any longer than twentysome years after the war.

Manon sat at her desk took another swallow of the liquid amber in her glass, recalling his face during the last year when he was bedridden most of the time.

“This way, you’re forced to dote on and coddle me,” he had said with a chuckle. She never understood–still didn’t understand how he was able to maintain such a positive disposition. She, for one, had been angry the year leading up to and three years after his passing. She yelled, cursing and damning the Three-Faced Goddess, that bitch queen Maeve or whomever she thought might be listening. But Dorian, he had stayed calm and soothed her fury, even though it should have been her comforting him.

It should have been her… It always came back to that. It should have been her. Manon couldn’t help but feel that way. She should have been with Dorian on those battlefields. Those injuries he suffered should have been hers. She should have tried harder to find a way to fix it. It should have been her supporting him in those final years, not the other way around. But it was too late. And Manon was stuck with that reminder every day, that it was too damned late to fix anything. Her grief had long since turned from the numbness it began with, to the crippling sadness and despair, to nearly-uncontainable fury, back to numbness, and now… Now she had no idea where she was, how she felt about the loss of the only male she had ever truly loved.

He hadn’t even gotten to see their Witchling, hadn’t even known she was with child during his last months with her. Manon discovered it herself, three months after he died. That fact alone both soothed and inflamed the severity of her grief. It meant she would always have a piece of Dorian with her that she could watch, grow and nourish. It would also serve as a reminder that he was gone, and there was no bringing him back.

But for now, as a five year old with moon white hair and gold-flecked, crushing blue eyes came charging into the room, Manon decided she would have to be alright with that. She would learn to look past the grief she carried in order to raise their little Witchling. Manon even smiled as the young one squealed when she picked her up and placed her on her lap. The child continued giggling and reaching for her hair as Manon turned and saw her Second in the doorway, who shrugged and said, “She said she missed you… and I thought you could use some cheering up,” Asterin added on as an afterthought.

Manon’s smile faltered ever-so-slightly with the last comment until she looked at her daughter again and saw her staring out the glass and beaming, “Look Momma! It’s ‘Raxos!” She exclaimed, still unable to pronounce his name properly.

Manon saw the wyvern swooping and swirling outside the window, probably for show, but she smiled none the less, “Indeed it is.”

“You love ‘Raxos don’t you?” The five year old inquired.

“Yes. Almost as much as I love you,” her mother tried not to let her voice waver as she added, “and as I loved your father.��

As if she could sense her inner turmoil, the child turned her eyes away from the window until they met Manon’s and she pressed their foreheads together. Then she whispered softly, “I love you Momma, from now until the light comes to claim us.”

This time Manon did not mind as a tear slipped down her cheek while she answered, “I love you Xiana, from now until the light comes to claim us…”

#sky court secret santa #sky court #i love this group of people

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dietarysalad · 7 years

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Street War – Chapter 12

The rain continued to fall heavily, and Kagura’s umbrella did nothing as a barrier for the two teenagers. Despite his desire to just not move for the rest of eternity, Sougo knew that thought was unreasonable. Silently, he let go of Kagura’s hand and stood up. Kagura did the same, feeling a little colder now that Sougo’s warmth had left. It’s hard to believe that the Sadist even has any warmth.

But, before she could leave for home, Kagura shivered and sneeze loudly. She was definitely feeling a little under the weather, and there was no-one to blame but herself. Gintoki was definitely going to kill her. At the sound of her rather guttural sneeze, Sougo stopped and stared down at her shivering form. Before she had the chance to walk away, he pulled on the back of her soaked parka.

“My place is closer, wash and dry up there before you get sick.” Kagura, in a state of shock, looked up carefully at Sougo. She blinked thrice at him. “What in the world are you doing?” she questioned, her eyebrows raised. In reply, Sougo turned from her, his eyes conflicted. “If I let you go home like this and you get sick, the Yorozuya boss will kill me. He’ll probably send the entire Yorozuya over to decimate this handsome boy.” I don’t believe him for a second. Nonetheless, she followed after him, her umbrella raised again despite it having little to no use. After all, she was not going to turn down a warm shower when she was freezing her butt off.

Sougo, on the other hand, was panicking under his cool mask. Someone smack me. What am I doing? If Hijikata’s home, he is definitely going to be mad. He sighed. There was not much point in worrying, now. It was too late for that. He looked up at the stormy sky and glared. “I’ll deal with it when the time comes,” he mumbled quietly, hoping that the rain would cover up his voice and Kagura would not hear him.

During the short trek back to his apartment, Sougo watched out of the corner of his eye as Kagura’s eyes dimmed the harder the rain came down on them. He briefly wondered if she hated the rain, but then figured that she probably would not have come out in the rain like this if that were the case. It must be something else that’s not any of my business, like that time when we were fighting the Kada gang.

Sougo continued walking for a bit more when his thoughts wandered back to Kagura. Although, this also wasn’t any of her business… Shaking his head, his eyes glinting with a foreign determination, Sougo turned his head to face the girl walking beside him. “Oi,” he stated. “Hm?” murmured Kagura, her eyes gazing dully at him. “I never got my answer,” Sougo prodded. “Why did you stay today?”

Kagura could not give him a response right away. She hesitated. Images flickered across her eyes – her mother, her father, the rain, Sougo’s sister. They overlapped and spiralled throughout her mind and, as the rain pelted down on her back, Kagura’s vision began to blur with tears. Sougo watched silently as Kagura’s inner turmoil stopped her in place. He also stood still for a moment, then continued walking. They were close to his apartment and it would probably better to quickly get out of the rain than stay where they were.

Sougo had walked two steps when he felt a tug on the back of his dress shirt. He did not look back, but stopped. “When I saw you… standing in front of your sister’s grave… it really hurt,” Kagura mumbled sadly, her voice almost swallowed by the sound of the rain on the pavement. Sougo blinked. “The pain of losing someone you care about, it hurts so much. But, to see you stand there without crying, that must have hurt so much more. Keeping everything bottled up.” Sougo turned and walked back to Kagura. “’The pain of losing someone you care about’…?” he asked, tilting his head as he looked down at her trembling form, water dripping from his bangs. Kagura scrunched her face up and looked to her feet, signalling the end of their conversation.

Sighing, Sougo turned back and continued walking towards his apartment. It was getting late and he was sure that the Yorozuya boss would throw a fit if his precious daughter didn’t come home on time.

When they arrived at Sougo’s apartment, he quickly told Kagura to stay out of sight. Swiftly, Sougo unlocked the door to his apartment and opened it, scanning the shoes in the small foyer area. Sighing in relief at the absence of Hijikata’s shoes, Sougo led Kagura inside and quickly grabbed two towels for the both of them. He told Kagura that it would be best for her to take a shower first and go home, and Kagura decided not to argue. She entered the bathroom while Sougo fished around for a plastic bag to put Kagura’s wet clothes in as well as some of his old clothes for her to wear temporarily.

After he was successful in his search, Sougo knocked on the bathroom door, announcing to her that a change of clothes was right outside the door before seating himself on the ground outside the bathroom. He was still soaking wet, himself, and did not want to move around the house too much. Fifteen minutes later, he heard the shower turn off and he promptly turned his back to the door to allow Kagura some privacy as she grabbed the change of clothes. When Kagura opened the door, her breathing hitched a little at the sight of Sougo. Quickly, she grabbed his old shirt and pants and shut the door again.

Sighing, Sougo relaxed and allowed himself another small respite as the sound of thunder made its way to his ears. His eyes narrowed slightly. It’s really coming down, outside. He reached for his phone and searched online for a weather report, flicking through websites until he landed on a live cast of a news report. Coincidentally, the news report was at its weather section. “Ketsuno Ana reporting! At the moment, Tokyo’s weather isn’t looking too good. This torrential rain is looking to continue throughout the night, and I don’t recommend that anyone go out tonight. So, I’m sorry – if you had a date night planned, it’ll be best to cancel it! How about you reschedule for tomorrow night? The weather’s looking a lot better for tomorrow. That’s all from me.” At the conclusion of Ketsuno Ana’s weather report, the news channel switched to a long spiel about the state of Tokyo’s economy and Sougo – who had immediately grown bored – locked his phone and placed it on the floor beside him.

Though he appeared calm on the outside, Sougo’s mind was racing. Do I send China back in this rain…? Argh, I can hardly do that. But if I don’t, the Yorozuya boss might end up calling a war to get back his ‘kidnapped’ daughter. Damn. Hijikata will have my head, too, for sheltering a Yorozuya. “Tu ru ru ru ru. Tu ru ru ru ru. Tu ru ru.” Sougo’s train of thought was interrupted, a strange song cutting through the drone of the rain. Feeling a prickling down his spine, he turned to find the source of the ominous sounding song. Eventually, his eyes landed on Kagura’s phone which she had left on his kitchen table.

It had lit up and was ringing with the Yonimo Kimyona Monogatari theme song, sung a capella courtesy of Kagura. Sougo’s left eye twitched at the sound. Silently, he walked over to the kitchen table, his towel wrapped around him to prevent too much water from leaking onto the floor, and checked the caller ID. ‘Gin-chan’? Ah, the Yorozuya boss. Hesitantly, he picked up the phone to hand it to Kagura. However, in trying to not get the phone wet, his fingers accidentally hit the accept call button. Shit.

“Kagura! Where on Earth are you?! It’s late and – have you seen the weather?! Why aren’t you home, it’s like a freaking hurricane out there!” Sougo recoiled from the phone, Gintoki’s booming voice was way louder than he had ever heard it before. Slowly, he tried to explain himself. “Ah, Yorozuya boss. Um, China…“ he paused. “No, I mean, Kagura’s drying off right now. She was caught in the rain and was soaked through to the bone, so I let her borrow the shower. But then the rain got really bad, so I’m not sure how she’s going to… get… home?” Sougo trailed off, a little worried about the lack of response that he was receiving from the other end.

Finally, after an excruciatingly long pause, Sougo heard a low rumble. “Who is this?” Gintoki bellowed into the phone, his voice dangerously low. Sougo gulped. “Okita Sougo,” he nervously replied. “Shinsengumi?!” Gintoki sounded surprised. “What are you doing to my daughter?!” “Nothing, it was purely circumstantial. If you’d like, I can send her home right now.” “There is no way in hell I’m letting her go out in the rain right now.” Gintoki took a deep breath, then continued. “Let her stay the night. You live with the mayo-freak, right? Put him on.” “Uh, he doesn’t know that she’s here. He must have gone out and got caught in the rain. I don’t think he’ll be home tonight…” And I’d rather he not come home tonight to see this mess. “Fine, if he finds out about this then I’ll speak with him myself. For now, just let Kagura stay. Tell her not to bother you or your sister too much.”

Sougo was quiet. “Sis passed yesterday,” he said sadly, unclear as to why he was telling the boss of his rival gang something so personal. Gintoki was silent for a few seconds. “Was her funeral this morning?” he gruffly spoke into the phone. “That’s right – due to her circumstances, we had been preparing for it for quite some time.” “I think I get why Kagura is with you, now. You have my condolences – she was a kind soul.” “You knew her?” Sougo asked, a hint of surprise in his voice. “In passing. She seemed about the only person who could make your boss happy, and that’s saying something.” “I see.” “I’ll leave Kagura with you, then.” There was another pause. “Take care of her, she isn’t too good with rain.”

Gintoki hung up the phone, though Sougo was sure he could hear a dog yipping with worry in the background before Gintoki could cut the call.

When Kagura walked out of the bathroom, she was met by Sougo’s hard pectoral muscles smacking her in the face. Blushing, she turned her head up and glared at him. “Oi, move-!” she began to yell at him. “Your boss told you to stay,” Sougo spoke curtly. “He doesn’t want you out in the rain.” With that, he pushed past her and closed the bathroom door, locking it. Kagura, now clean and dry, narrowed her eyes at the closed bathroom door moved to the kitchen to grab her phone. After checking the call log, sure enough, she had received a call from Gintoki.

Sighing, Kagura got to work on trying to connect to Sougo’s Wi-Fi. She made herself comfortable on the couch and laid down, her fingers tapping away at her phone. It wasn’t too hard to find the Wi-Fi – the name “MayonnaiseIsLove” gave everything away. The problem was the password. Wracking her brain, something she usually didn’t do, Kagura tried as many passwords as she could think of. “Mayonnaise” was rejected. “Sadism” and all its variants were also wrong. “Shinsengumi” was a no-go as well. She even tried “password”, hoping that they had tried to reverse psychology people by using such an obvious password. But that, too, was incorrect. She was beginning to get a little fed up when she thought back to the entirety of the Shinsengumi, crowded around Okita Mitsuba’s grave. Kagura’s fingers slowly typed out her name into the password slot and clicked enter. Connected. Kagura gave a small smile. You were very well-loved.

After a short while, Sougo left the bathroom and found Kagura curled up on the couch. His old shirt may have been too small for him, but it was still much too big for Kagura and she had needed to roll the sleeves up quite a lot. His pants hung loosely against her legs and he could see that she had needed to adjust the waist of the sweatpants to be four times smaller so that the pants would stay up. He quickly turned before any strange thoughts could enter his head. “I’ll let you stay,” Sougo called, heading off toward his bedroom. “But you need to make your own dinner. You hear?” Kagura gave him a lazy look. “Alright.”

Ten minutes and three minor explosions in the kitchen later, Sougo had chased Kagura out of the kitchen and agreed to make dinner for both of them. “It’s either that or the state of my well-being, I guess,” he grumbled, sighing heavily. Kagura pouted and immediately began ordering him about. “Oi, Sadist!” she yelled childishly. “I want ochazuke! And sukonbu!” “Ah? I’m making fried rice,” Sougo shot back. “Haven’t you heard that beggars can’t be choosers?” “Hmph, I’m no beggar. I’m a guest. Haven’t you heard that you should be kind to your guests?” “All I see is a piggy.”

Kagura fumed. Taking advantage of her athleticism, Kagura jumped from behind Sougo and landed on his shoulders, crossing her legs around his neck with her hands over his eyes. “Ochazuke! Sukonbu!” she shouted once again, her pitch raised to an even higher tone. Sougo, surprised at the action, did not have enough time to react and his balance was put off. He began falling backwards and Kagura, sensing imminent doom, abandoned ship. “Whoops,” she said, landing to the side as Sougo landed on the ground in the kitchen. “Well, let’s make a compromise. Just ochazuke, and no sukonbu, okay? I’ll be in the dining room!” Sougo could only groan, flopping back onto the ground, not wanting to move.

Patting her engorged belly, Kagura gave a sigh of content. “Man, for a sadist you sure are a good cook,” she announced with glee. “It was tea on rice,” Sougo said, his temple throbbing in irritation. “Ochazuke.” “Which is tea on rice.” “Which is good. Though the extra toppings on top were pretty good, too.” Knowing that he would not be able to get through to Kagura, Sougo leaned back in his chair and watched as Kagura flicked through her phone. “For a girl, you sure don’t look worried at all that you’ll be spending the night alone with a single, very good-looking male specimen,” he spoke with no hint of real concern in his voice, his half-lidded eyes staring at her with contempt. “Where? I don’t see one,” mocked Kagura, her eyes scanning the room to add to her insult. “Ah, my bad. You’re not a girl. You’re just Miss Piggy.” “Hmph!” Kagura growled at him, standing up from her seat and moving towards the living room.

Sougo sighed and left the table to do the dishes. When he got to the kitchen, he heard the sound of the rain intensify. Quietly, he thought to himself that they should probably go to bed soon as it was getting rather late. The rain was going to let up tomorrow and Hijikata would come home. It was probably better for him to not know about Kagura’s visit to their domicile. The earlier they could wake up, the sooner she could leave.

Finishing up the dishes, Sougo left the kitchen to tell Kagura to get an early night in when he saw that the couch in the living room was empty. He quickly scanned the room to find Kagura seated by the window, her eyes staring out into the distance. Sougo walked up to her quietly so as to not disturb her and followed her gaze. There was nothing discernibly interesting about the scenery. He turned back to Kagura and found her fidgeting, her eyebrows knit together and her mind obviously very far off.

Sougo thought back to what the Yorozuya boss had mentioned to him, about Kagura’s distaste for rain. But why? He couldn’t believe that Kagura hated the rain arbitrarily – that was no reason for her to act like this. Silently, he sat next to her. As he knelt down beside her, he could feel her shift at their close proximity. Was that an uncomfortable shift? Or an I’m-making-room-for-you-please-sit shift? After waiting a few moments, he began speaking to test the waters.

“Sis’… was a good person.” Kagura’s body tensed. “I’m sure you know, since you’ve met her,” Sougo said. “You know how much everyone in the Shinsengumi loved her, especially us, seeing as you managed to get into our Wi-Fi. I thought of her as a mother. I didn’t have one, growing up. My parents both died when I was very young – too young to be sad at their deaths. That’s why, sis’ doted on me. She took care of me, she’s the reason why I’m alive today.” Sougo paused to look at Kagura. “I’m not going to thank you for what you did today,” he continued, turning his head from Kagura for a quick moment. “But… I’m sure my sister would want to thank you. Thinking properly, I’m sure my sister would not want me to bottle my emotions up inside. That’s why, for my sister, I wanted to thank you.”

Kagura looked up at Sougo, a little surprised to see sincerity in his eyes. His face was calm and cold, as it usually was. But his eyes, still a little red from having cried for so long, held in them a gratitude that burnt at Kagura’s gaze. Gratitude, and something else that Kagura was not sure of. Her heart pounded as Sougo spoke again. “I’m not saying I’ll comfort you, but I do know how to pay back my debts.” Turning her gaze from Sougo, Kagura stared back out the window and paused before whispering her next words. “I miss them.” “Hm?” “Mami… Papi…,” Kagura wheezed out their names. “On days like this, I miss them.” Sougo quietly turned from her, his eyes resting on the rain outside. “I don’t like… death. My mami and papi were good people, but death still took them away. Days like this only remind me of the rainy nights when they left this world.”

Sougo closed his eyes. “So, my sister…” he started. “She’s beautiful. A beautiful, kind woman. My mother, too, was a beautiful, kind woman. And yet, they both fell ill. And, all too suddenly, they both passed. It’s so… unfair.” A pause – then, Sougo continued. “And that night, with the Kada gang…” “I was scared,” she answered before Sougo had the time to ask the question she knew would come. He opened his eyes. “Scared?” “My papi, one night, when we were sleeping… a robber broke into our house. He was armed… with a knife.” Sougo remembered the knife that the Kada gang member was wielding that night and he understood. “Papi tried to protect me and covered me with his body. And then, there was so much blood. And…!”

A brush of fabric against her cheek caused Kagura to stop. She looked up at Sougo, who was using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away at Kagura’s tears. Sometime during her story, Kagura had begun to cry. “Ah? Oh, sorry.” Sougo turned towards the window. “No. It’s fine.” Kagura silently thanked him for turning as she began to cry. The events of the last couple of days, especially concerning Okita Mitsuba, had brought up the memories of her parents’ death which she had always been trying to keep out of mind. She sobbed, the images of her mother’s life fading from her face and the blood covering her father’s back all too much for her to handle.

After a period of time, Kagura felt a Sougo’s hand gently press her head against his shoulder. She continued to cry. “What happened to not comforting me?” she managed to choke out. But Sougo was silent. Kagura’s sobs began to lessen, the scent of Sougo’s cologne and the feel of his palm on her head relaxing her. The strain of crying for so long eventually tired her out and she fell asleep against him, her cheeks streaked with tears.

Silently, Sougo picked her up and laid her on his bed. His hand reached out to undo her hair, and he smiled sadly as she called out in her sleep. “Mami… Papi…” Letting his hand linger for a little too long, Sougo left his room and moved to sleep in Hijikata’s room. He never heard Kagura whisper his name, coupled with a small “thank you”.

Author’s Note

Yeah, we’re about half-way through, now! If you’ve stuck with me for this long, thanks so much! Also, yeah – this chapter is a teensy bit longer than usual. It’s actually three chapters all put together – I thought they’d flow better this way.

#fanfic #gintama #okikagu #hey honey im hoooommee #work was so busy today im so tired #ill upload one more chapter and then ill get started on my assignment

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wildheartcoach · 7 years

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What the world needs now

BE THE CHANGE

You have no doubt heard this message in various formats before: "Be the change you wish to see in the world," or "to change the world, start with yourself."

It sounds very wise and clear-minded. What does this mean, however? Do you even agree with this sentiment?

Some who read this might respond with some anger: "What do you mean, I need to change myself? I'm not the problem, here!"

But the truth is that you are. You just don't realize it. If fact, if you are angry or hurt, you are suffering. And if you are suffering, then your world will seem like a place of pain. Let me use a recent event to explain what I mean.

ONE-SIDED DIALOG (or rumination)

This past week the world witnessed a horrific massacre, caused by one human being, and many innocent lives were lost. The news media goes into depth about the homicidal maniac who caused this destruction. Meanwhile, we're left with so many questions.

Why do people do things like mass murder? How was he able to buy so many guns? What can we do to prevent such a thing from happening again?

Most of all, what was he thinking?

These are concepts that we can't make sense of. Mentally, it can cause quite a lot of inner turmoil. For some, it keeps them up at night. I know when I have been hurt by people's actions, my mind can go into a one-sided dialog. In my fantasy I'm talking to the person:

"What were you thinking when you said or did that?" [Silence]

"Can't you see what your action caused?" [Silence]

"How can you be so uncaring?" [Silence]

And on and on, with no chance at all of my questions ever being answered. I'm having a non-existent conversation with someone who isn't even aware I'm having it.

Who gets to suffer as a result? Me. I don't get any sleep. Stuck in this loop, my mind ratchets up my anger or frustration. In spite of the action I take (the fantasy conversation), it is all in my head and nothing gets resolved.

So why do I do it? Because I believe I'm doing the right thing by trying to discover the answer. If I think about the issue long enough, maybe I can solve the problem. It may also be a way for me to protect myself from going through this in the future.

"We obsess about the past because we're worried about the future."

PRODDED TO RESPOND

This is how the mind works. At least, unconsciously.

Circumstances in your life drive your thought patterns, thoughts drive emotions, and emotions drive actions. Quite simply, we are not amoebas, but thinking and feeling creatures. When we are prodded, we don't just move and that's that. We are prodded, we have a thought about that, we feel something such as anger or fear and then we act based on our belief that we are doing the right thing.

On a primal level, responses are our defense mechanisms. It's that natural fight, flight or freeze response. We do what we need to, to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Often we do it without thinking. At times, this kind of response can save lives.

That's all well and good if you have a healthy and values-based way of thinking about the world. A man who does not value life, has no need to protect life or his loved ones. He sees only one way out: destruction of life. In other words, destruction of self.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER THE WAY YOU DO

Here's the thing: we don't all have to suffer like this. We have a choice. Even when a massacre or equally heart-wrenching event takes place.

I'm not saying to stick your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening.

The truth is that there are things that hurt us on a physical level. Gun shots. Violence.

Then there is pain caused by negative thoughts. Mental illness is a by-product of ruminating on negative thoughts over and over. The reason why we can't let these thoughts go is because we haven't been able to process them. We haven't come to grips with them, so they haunt us over and over. Each time we think about them, they hurt us all over again.

It's like having suffered a physical wound in the past. Rather than let it heal, we open that wound up again and again. We recreate the pain it caused long ago by putting our attention on it in the present.

Is what we're doing to ourselves any less harmful than what a man with a gun is doing? A man with a gun might shoot us once, the bullet hits. If we're lucky, we survive and it's done and in the past. With mental turmoil, we are harming ourselves over and over and over again.

RESISTANCE

Martha Beck says:

"Resisting what we can't control removes us from reality, rendering our emotions, circumstances and loved ones inaccessible. The result is a terrible loneliness, which we usually blame on our failure to get what we want."

What she is saying is that resistance to the truth of the present and past causes the painful emotions, such as rage. Acceptance and surrender allow you to let it go.

A man who shot over 500 people perhaps felt resistance to what he had or didn't have in his life. We know now that his father was in jail when he was a child. He may have felt victimized by it, felt it was unfair. Each new failing by someone in his life may have re-triggered that wound.

The man who killed those people did not feel any kind of compassion, but he also wasn't an unfeeling monster. He was not detached from the pain in the world. He was part of it and a victim of it, as much as he was an aggressor. It was his inability to deal with the pain in his internal world that led him to do the unthinkable.

WILL YOU GIVE UP YOUR MIND ALSO?

The Dalai Lama was once asked about how he felt about the situation in his homeland of Tibet. The interviewer wanted to know if he was angry about the Chinese taking over his country and killing his citizens. Was he angry about the fact that he was now living in exile, in India? The answer the Dalai Lama gave was: No. The Chinese took my country and people from me. Why would I also give them my mind?

It is natural to want to get answers to things that make no sense to the rational mind. It is natural to be angry about unfairness and senseless killings and harm being done. But what good does it do?

Compassion

So what is the answer? I want to offer a solution by sharing a quote from Dr. Chris Germer of the Harvard Medical School, a doctor of psychology. He said this (paraphrased):

Compassion means "to suffer with." Each person in the world suffers. If we want to practice compassion, we have to see the pain behind the poison. How do we cultivate a deeper vision to see more deeply into another human being? The answer is having the capacity to see more deeply in ourselves. Part of compassion is that we can recognize that there are many parts of us. To connect to the different parts of ourselves allows us to open ourselves to others not in our vision of the world. Hold up your own struggle. That doesn’t mean that any behavior is ok. We need to act in the world to respond to injustice. The tricky thing is not to conflate self-acceptance with action in the world or fierce compassion. The more self-compassion, the more willingness and strength to make a change in the world. We don’t have the power when we don’t feel the pain. When we’re open to the pain, saying 'this hurts,' then we’re firmly in our own body and have the possibility or clarity to solve that hurt. When we ruminate, we’re experience avoidance of the direct experience. What does it take to hold awfulness? It takes a lot of kindness.

A RESPONSE YOU CAN LIVE WITH

If we continue to allow the anger, the bitterness, and the questions to keep us up at night, then we are not doing ourselves any good. In fact, we are doing very much what the man who killed those innocent people in Vegas did. We are allowing our minds to obsess about conclusions we have made about the world and then get riled up and angry. If we get angry or desperate enough, who knows what irrational actions we might take?

No rational solutions can be found when we are in a state of anger or pain.

You can only change your response to circumstances by changing your internal dialog. That is how you change the world.

"What the world needs now." (song)

If you have any questions about this or want to find a way to detach yourself from negative thoughts that cause you needless suffering, please call me at 781.583.8242.

#rational thought #choices

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nancyedimick · 7 years

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N.Y. state court decision setting aside SUNY student expulsion in ‘affirmative consent’ sexual misconduct case

An interesting court decision in a university sexual misconduct case, decided last week by the New York intermediate appellate court (though quite possibly eventually headed to the New York high court), Matter of Haug v. State University of New York (opinion by Judge Devine, joined by Judges Peters and Aarons):

Petitioner was a freshman at respondent State University of New York at Potsdam (hereinafter SUNY) in September 2014. In the early morning hours of September 7, 2014, he ran into a female student (hereinafter the complainant) with whom he had been friends for several years, and the two had sex in her dormitory room. The complainant reported to campus police shortly afterward that, while she had not declined to engage in sex and gave no “gesture saying that [the sexual encounter] wasn’t welcome,” she had been sexually assaulted. She refused to reveal the identity of her assailant or submit to a sexual assault examination, but an anonymous tip subsequently pointed to petitioner as the assailant.

SUNY thereafter charged petitioner with sexual misconduct in violation of SUNY’s code of student rights, responsibilities and conduct (hereinafter the student code of conduct). Following a disciplinary hearing at which the complainant did not appear, the Hearing Board found petitioner guilty of sexual misconduct and recommended that he be, among other things, suspended for the remainder of the semester and directed to complete an alcohol evaluation and treatment program and a reflective paper on appropriate sexual conduct and consent. Petitioner’s appeal to SUNY’s Appellate Board resulted not only in his contentions being rejected out of hand, but an unexplained recommendation that the penalty be increased to expulsion. Respondent Kristen Esterberg, as SUNY’s president, was empowered under the student code of conduct to impose the sanction of expulsion and did so. Petitioner then commenced the present CPLR article 78 proceeding.

To begin, after considering the significant impacts that the determination could have upon petitioner’s reputation as well as his educational and job prospects, many of the procedures employed by the Hearing Board give us pause. We cannot reach most of petitioner’s arguments regarding those procedures due to the absence of timely objection at the administrative level. We can, however, consider whether the determination is supported by substantial evidence in the record, defined as “such relevant proof as a reasonable mind may accept as adequate to support a conclusion or ultimate fact.” It is not, and we therefore annul.

As set forth in the student code of conduct, consent to sexual activity cannot be inferred from silence and must flow from “spoken words or behavior that indicates, without doubt to either party, a mutual agreement to” proceed. The complainant’s account was set forth by others who had conversed with her, with the Hearing Board considering written notes prepared by respondent Annette Robbins, SUNY’s director of student conduct and community standards, and the hearing testimony of a campus police officer.

The complainant told Robbins that petitioner was a friend and that, after running into him on the night in question, she invited him to her dorm room. Petitioner tried in some manner to touch her once they got to the room, then locked the door and led her to bed. The two began “making out” on the bed and, while the complainant stated that she did not verbally consent when petitioner suggested that they have sex, she did take her shirt off. Petitioner took the complainant’s pants off and had relations with her without wearing protection. The complainant indicated that she “froze up” and did “not respond” to petitioner’s advances, although the record does not reveal how this inner turmoil was manifested or whether petitioner was or should have been aware of it. The Hearing Board found from this that the complainant did not affirmatively consent to having sex and that, as a result, petitioner engaged in sexual misconduct.

It is not clear to us that a reasonable person could find from these hearsay accounts an absence of “behavior that indicate[d], without doubt to either party, a mutual agreement to participate in sexual intercourse,” as to do so would require overlooking the complainant’s admission that she removed her shirt when sex was suggested. Indeed, the only path to finding a lack of consent under these circumstances would be to make inferences that do not reasonably follow from the hearsay accounts of what the complainant said, such as that petitioner intimidated her into agreeing to proceed or that the manner in which she “froze up” should have caused petitioner to question her apparent willingness to engage in sex. The complainant’s subsequent report of a sexual assault — in which she declined to give any details of the incident or identify the male involved and stated her lack of interest in getting the alleged perpetrator in trouble — does nothing to remedy the dearth of proof as to a lack of affirmative consent.

In any event, hearsay must be “sufficiently relevant and probative [if it is] to constitute substantial evidence” and, “when the hearsay evidence is seriously controverted, common sense and elemental fairness suggest that it may not constitute the substantial evidence necessary to support the [challenged] determination.” Petitioner testified at the hearing and, while the broad contours of his account matched those of the complainant, their accounts differed on the critical issue of consent. Petitioner specifically stated that they began kissing after talking and that, after a while, the complainant took off both of their shirts. Petitioner then removed the rest of their clothing and asked the complainant if she had any condoms, to which she replied that she did not but that it was “fine” and no reason to worry. The complainant then straddled petitioner from above while they had sex and, after it was over, asked petitioner if he had fun. Simply put, petitioner’s testimony seriously controverted the hearsay evidence indicating that the complainant had not given affirmative consent to sexual relations and, as a result, that hearsay proof did not constitute substantial evidence to support the determination.

Lastly, although we need not reach the propriety of the penalty in light of our determination, we feel the need to comment on the circumstances leading to its imposition. Upon petitioner’s appeal from the decision of the Hearing Board, the Appellate Board, sua sponte and without any explanation, recommended enhancing the penalty to expulsion.

We acknowledge that, in the professional disciplinary context, due process does not preclude a reviewing body from using the occasion of a disciplined professional’s appeal to sua sponte increase the severity of a sanction imposed. While nothing in the student code of conduct expressly prohibits the Appellate Board from recommending, and SUNY’s president from ultimately imposing, a more severe sanction upon a disciplined student’s appeal, nor does the student code of conduct explicitly advise an appealing student that such a consequence may inure as a result of an appeal. We are troubled by the absence of any such clear articulation that an enhanced penalty may result from a student’s choice to appeal the underlying determination and believe that, in this context, fairness warrants a clear and conspicuous advisement to that effect….

ADJUDGED that the determination is annulled, without costs, petition granted and respondent State University of New York at Potsdam is directed to expunge all references to this matter from petitioner’s school record.

Judge Clark’s dissent, joined by Judge Lynch:

Initially, many of petitioner’s arguments challenging whether respondent State University of New York at Potsdam … complied with the notice and due process provisions of its code of student rights, responsibilities and conduct (hereinafter the student code of conduct) are unpreserved, as petitioner failed to raise them during his disciplinary hearing or on administrative appeal. To the extent that petitioner preserved, by raising them on administrative appeal, his claims that SUNY failed to provide written notice of the hearing to the female student (hereinafter the complainant) or require the complainant to attend the hearing, such claims are lacking in merit. The record establishes that the complainant “chose[]” not to attend the disciplinary hearing and, thus, that SUNY substantially complied with the requirement that the complainant be notified in writing of the date and time of the hearing. Further, principles of due process do not require SUNY to compel the complainant’s attendance or to present nonhearsay evidence at the disciplinary hearing.

Moreover, even when afforded an opportunity to challenge the hearsay evidence against him, petitioner declined to question the individuals who interviewed the complainant after the incident. Accordingly, we are satisfied that SUNY substantially complied with the provision of its student code of conduct requiring that petitioner have the “right to offer witnesses and to challenge evidence and/or witnesses against him.” Despite the majority’s statement to the contrary, an evaluation of the merits of petitioner’s procedural arguments should not include a consideration of any potential effects that a finding of responsibility may have on his reputation or education or job prospects.

Petitioner also argues that substantial evidence does not support SUNY’s determination that he committed sexual misconduct in violation of the student code of conduct. Substantial evidence is a relatively “low” or “minimal” evidentiary standard, requiring less proof than a preponderance of the evidence. The standard of substantial evidence has been defined as “such relevant proof as a reasonable mind may accept as adequate to support a conclusion or ultimate fact,” and it “demands only that a given inference is reasonable and plausible, not necessarily the most probable.” Where, as here, substantial evidence exists to support SUNY’s disciplinary determination, made after a hearing, this Court must uphold such determination, “irrespective of whether a similar quantum of evidence is available to support other varying conclusions.”

The student code of conduct requires that there be affirmative consent, that is “spoken words or behavior that indicates, without doubt to either party, a mutual agreement to participate,” to sexual intercourse or other sexual activity. Here, because petitioner conceded at the hearing that the complainant did not verbally consent to sexual intercourse, her actions had to indicate to petitioner without a doubt that she had agreed to participate in sex.

The complainant maintained, in her account to the campus police officer hours after the encounter and in her subsequent account to respondent Annette Robbins, SUNY’s director of student conduct and community standards, that she did not consent to having sexual intercourse with petitioner. She stated that petitioner “tried touching her all over” and then proceeded to “g[e]t up,” “lock[] her [dormitory] room door” and “lead her to her bed.” The complainant reported that petitioner “began making out with her” and suggested that they have sex, but that petitioner did not ask for, nor did she give, her consent.

Although the complainant acknowledged that she took off her shirt, she stated that petitioner took off her pants and that she thereafter “froze” and “‘let things happen’ from that point on.” [Footnote: The complainant indicated to Robbins that she had been involved in a prior “traumatic” incident that caused her to freeze in response to petitioner’s unwanted advances.] This evidence reasonably demonstrated that the complainant did not affirmatively consent, verbally or through her actions, to sexual intercourse.

To be clear, taking off one’s own shirt is not, in and of itself, consent to sexual intercourse. Moreover, the majority’s unfortunate commentary concerning the complainant’s “inner turmoil” is misguided. The operative word “froze” is enough to indicate that claimant physically stopped responding to petitioner’s advances, conduct that would have and should have been readily apparent to petitioner. Under the student code of conduct, as well as principles of common sense, silence is not a sufficient “indicator[] of consent.”

In addition, many of the details that the complainant gave to the campus police officer and Robbins were corroborated by petitioner’s testimony. Indeed, petitioner testified that he kissed the complainant, that the complainant removed her shirt and that he removed the complainant’s bra and pants. Moreover, petitioner’s own testimony revealed that he had doubts as to whether the complainant consented to engaging in sexual intercourse. Petitioner testified that, after receiving a campus-wide rape alert, he sent the complainant a text message about the alert because he was “worried” and “didn’t know if she had reported [him.]” Petitioner’s testimony in this regard was indicative of a consciousness of guilt.

Although not revealed by the majority, petitioner repeatedly stated at the hearing that he had consumed a “ridiculous” amount of alcohol on the night in question, going so far as to state that he had been “intoxicated,” “unable to decide what was smart” and not “fully aware of … the situation.” He admitted that his memories of the night were clouded by his intoxication and that he “d[id not] remember everything,” only “parts.” He stated that he did not remember locking the door to the complainant’s room and that his testimony was the result of him “piec[ing] … together” those parts of the night that he did remember. However, he stated that he was able to recall that the complainant told him not to “worry about it” when he stated that he did not have a condom and that the complainant had straddled him from above during intercourse.

When challenged by a member of SUNY’s Hearing Board on his inconsistent testimony that the complainant had said “yes” to sex, petitioner immediately conceded that such testimony was inaccurate, thereby giving rise to an inference that other portions of petitioner’s testimony may have also been inaccurate, particularly in light of his hazy memory of the night. Moreover, petitioner’s self-serving testimony that the complainant had given him indications of consent was inconsistent with his testimony that he was “worried” that the complainant had reported him for rape.

In short, SUNY was presented with competing versions of events, each of which could reasonably support conflicting conclusions. In such cases, the duty of weighing the evidence and “‘making the choice'” between conflicting inferences lies exclusively within the province of SUNY. This Court “may not weigh the evidence or reject the choice made by” SUNY simply because it prefers a different conclusion. This Court may only assess whether SUNY’s “choice” is supported by substantial evidence.

To that end, we find that the complainant’s version of events set forth by the campus police officer and Robbins and petitioner’s corroboration of those events, together with petitioner’s statements indicating a consciousness of guilt and his concession that some of his earlier testimony was inaccurate, provided substantial evidence for SUNY’s determination that the complainant did not affirmatively consent to sexual intercourse with petitioner and, thus, that he committed sexual misconduct. Consequently, SUNY’s finding of responsibility should be upheld.

Although not raised by petitioner, the majority attacks the complainant’s hearsay accounts, presented by the campus police officer and Robbins, as having been “seriously controverted” by petitioner’s testimony and, thus, unable to constitute substantial evidence. Courts have long held that hearsay evidence may properly form the basis for an administrative determination, provided that such hearsay evidence is “sufficiently relevant and probative or sufficiently reliable and … not otherwise seriously controverted.” Here, the complainant and petitioner were the only witnesses to the encounter and, thus, the complainant’s hearsay accounts were certainly relevant and probative as to whether she affirmatively consented to sex with petitioner.

Further, the hearsay evidence was not unreliable or seriously controverted by petitioner’s testimony. To the contrary, as previously discussed, petitioner’s testimony was in large part consistent with the accounts given by the complainant to the campus police officer and Robbins. While petitioner gave conflicting evidence as to whether the complainant’s behavior indicated consent to sex, such testimony simply presented a credibility issue for SUNY to resolve. His testimony did not, as the majority concludes, seriously controvert the complainant’s competing version of events. Thus, because substantial evidence supports SUNY’s determination to credit the complainant’s account over that of petitioner, such determination should not be disturbed.

As to the sanction imposed, we are unpersuaded by petitioner’s assertion that the penalty of expulsion was so disproportionate to the offense of sexual misconduct so as to be shocking to one’s sense of fairness, particularly given SUNY’s obligation to protect the safety and well-being of all of its students, including the complainant, and its overall goal of “creating and maintaining an educational environment free from … sexual misconduct.”

Nor is the penalty unlawful because SUNY’s Appellate Board recommended, without providing its reasons, the enhanced penalty of expulsion to the President of SUNY. As the majority recognizes, an administrative appellate body does not offend principles of due process by enhancing, sua sponte, the severity of a disciplinary penalty and, in doing so, it need not identify its reasons.

While the majority does not find the penalty to be unlawful, it nevertheless states that fairness requires a discussion of, what our colleagues in the majority perceive as, “the absence of a[] … clear articulation [in the student code of conduct] that an enhanced penalty may result from a student’s choice to appeal.” Upon review of relevant sections of the student code of conduct, we disagree. In a section entitled “[t]he Appellate Board,” SUNY’s sexual misconduct policy expressly states that the Appellate Board has the authority to “impose any of the sanctions” listed in the student code of conduct and may, upon appeal, “alter the sanctions imposed below.”

Further, the student code of conduct makes clear that SUNY’s director of student conduct and community standards may oppose any student appeal and that the Appellate Board may consider the reasonableness of the recommended sanction and, if deemed necessary, “alter” such sanction. In our view, this language is sufficient to alert a reasonable reader — indeed, a college student — to the possibility that the Appellate Board could find the initial penalty to be unreasonably lenient and, consequently, impose a harsher one. Moreover, it bears noting that, under the student code of conduct, only the President, or her designee, can impose a sanction of suspension or expulsion and that, had the Appellate Board agreed with the Hearing Board’s recommended penalty of, among other things, a one-semester suspension, SUNY’s President conceivably could have rejected such penalty as too lenient.

Accordingly, for the reasons stated, we would confirm the determination and dismiss the petition.

Originally Found On: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2017/04/14/n-y-state-court-decision-setting-aside-suny-student-expulsion-in-affirmative-consent-sexual-misconduct-case/

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wolfandpravato · 7 years

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N.Y. state court decision setting aside SUNY student expulsion in ‘affirmative consent’ sexual misconduct case

Judge Clark’s dissent, joined by Judge Lynch:

Accordingly, for the reasons stated, we would confirm the determination and dismiss the petition.

Originally Found On: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2017/04/14/n-y-state-court-decision-setting-aside-suny-student-expulsion-in-affirmative-consent-sexual-misconduct-case/

#Law #Lawyer

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