I write to you to let you know I have arrived safely at a camp near Osgiliath with Faramir and my Father. For the next few days we will be planning our course of action to finally take back what was once ours.
Father has been particularly rough on Faramir the past few days. More so than usual. We talked one night, and shared many laughs. I know he’ll be okay, and yet I can’t help but worry.
I’m not sure when I shall return, but do know I will fight honorably to one day return to you. And once I do, We must celebrate with your infamous pies and drink until our tankards empty. I pray that this time I will win against you.
I hope you are doing well back in Gondor. In your last letter you mentioned Lady Merith. How is the child fairing? Hopefully she isn’t causing you too much trouble.
Another request for a 10 min fic extension for Slimy Kisses please? AHAHAHAHA i love your crack fics. This is what the fandom needs
SK Part 2:Consequences
Gollum x reader
Warnings: pregnancy, hella fricken weird read at your own risk
A/N: YOU GOT IT BBY- I know I said goodnight but I looked at the time, noticed a notification and immediately had to write it :) I didn’t finish in time 😭
Oh god what the hell- you’ve been puking for the past few days every morning. It couldn’t possibly be what you’ve eaten. All you’ve eaten was some bread rolls.
Maybe you’re coming down with a sickness?? That would suck balls since you now live in the middle of nowhere after marrying Gollum. Apparently the way to marry someone is through sex and that night in the cave definitely went much much further than-
O H F-
Screams of terror echoed throughout the mountains, scaring every single bird in proximity of 500 Twix bars.
“This can’t be haPPENING nO frik frik FRICK” you chanted in your head. It echoed in your skull due to the lack of brain.
How the hell are you going to tell Gollum?? He’ll eat the child- oh god he’s the dad. What is the child even gonna look like?? Like a mix of a dead possum trampled by horses and a unicorns asshole??
Well I mean… a unicorns asshole is actually really pretty- thats besides the point.
The point is. You’re pregnant. It’s gollum’s child. You’ve been married- heck only known each other for a week. You can’t have a kid- you’re not young enough!! You’re not in your prime anymore like those old hags in town said.
They were right, you should’ve gotten married off at 13, maybe then you’d have a chance and not be having a Hershey bar melted in 112F heat of a child.
You take deep breaths, trying to calm yourself down. There’s no use screaming and losing your head about it. It’s happened. It’s done with. Now you have to deal with it.
The only question that rings through your head at the moment is “how will I tell Gollum?”
That thought is broken, and you jump 15 feet like those nasty ass jumping spiders in the toilet trying to climb up your booty hole when you hear a voice at the entrance of the cave.
I heard a rumor that you could do even worse than the infamous slimy kisses fic. So, I'd like to enable this behavior, 10 minute fic challenge, the worst you can do. Have at it :)
Gollum x Reader
A/N: i have nothing to say except- I love you and really hate my brain rn. Took exactly 10 minutes to write this.
Have you ever eaten a hobbit? God they’re freaking delicious but the worst to get around. While their stomachs are easy to eat, the feet are the hardest.
Their soles are tough like leather as though they’ve been walking on hot coals. Which I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, weirdos they are. Oh god and the hair it gets stuck in your teeth that after struggling for 20 minutes to get it out, there’s no need to floss. Those thicc ass strands of dirt covered hair can pull everything out from between your teeth. I once lost a molar to those bad boys.
After the first 10 hobbits I’ve eaten, I completely swore off them. Instead deciding to stick to tree branches and butterflies. So the day that my husband, Gollum decided to bring home two hobbits, I was livid.
That bastard knows I hate hobbit meat. I wouldn’t be surprised if he brought them home cause he knows I wouldn’t touch his food. Like come on! That was one time, and it was a fricken dwarf- he can share atleast one leg 🙄
“Precioussss hobbitees very good- scrumptious” Gollum whispered to me, hopping from foot to foot.
“You sh*t head- you know I hate hobbit” I growled at him, barring my teeth like the traitor Peter biting someone’s finger off as a rat.
“hehHEHH YEHEHHE H E H more hobbbit for meeEEEE”
As much as I love him- I’m gonna skewer him, beat him against a tree then eat him myself.
I look him over once, really contemplating that idea. Before dismissing it. He’s all bones- it’ll just get lodged in my throat and choke me to death. I’d rather die from eating the pure spirit of a cockroach.
My stomach growls… I’m so hungry.. maybe eating just the stomach of the fat one wouldn’t be too bad.
A vicious grin grows on my face, my breath fanning over the fat once’s face like rotten milk and cavities. Oh yes.. he’ll be delicious.
I know I’ve said it before but really, the Hobbit is nothing but a Heist Story where the twist is that they're stealing from a dragon! It's literally Ocean's 11 but it's Thorin's 14!
The story is about a sheltered fussy gay old bachelor learning to become a master Burglar! There's a sequence where the protagonists all get sent to fantasy-prison by the elf-cops and Bilbo has to break them out! This is why the Hobbit is such a good children’s book. because it's about how crime is fun and the best way to get out of your comfort zone and make friends is by pulling wacky heists!
I think my favorite moments in the Hobbit are the ones where Burglarly is described in the way authors would usually describe Knighthood: in glowing terms, as an honorable profession with a deeply respectable history. Being good at Breaking the Law and Thieving is something worthy of accolades and praise (as long as you’re stealing for Honorable reasons). I love things like, the moment where the Elf-King wishes Bilbo a good day with the line:
"May your shadow never grow less (or stealing would be too easy).”
Tolkien understood that epic fantasy stories are the best when they’re actually heist stories in disguise!
Author’s note: request for angst + thorin by @anjhope1 I hope you enjoy and sorry for the long wait!
Warnings: a short angst with a sad ending
You were a wreck. A running whirlwind of a mess, heart pounding and fear at its highest. You knew in your bones, you could feel the loss. The loss of too many friends and loved ones. But there was no way, no way in all of Valar that Thorin had-
No! He was surely fine, he was surely victorious at the top of that icy cliff, catching his breath and looking down at his comrades with pride. Surely..?
In any case, he was too stubborn to leave, too stubborn to not rule over his rightfully owned kingdom under the mountain that he had just taken back. He outwitted the fire breathing dragon Smaug. Such a worm in the words of the King himself. He had escaped from the Woodland Elves prison, escaped from the King of Goblins lair, fought trolls and traveled miles and miles to get here. He had so much to do as a King and so much to celebrate.
But when you reached the top of the pale orc’s fort-hold the blood drained from your face. This had to be an illusion. Where was Azog?! How could he have possibly defeated Thorin, no there was no way. You refused to accept what was in front of you. Thorin’s body was crumpled to the ground, his sword not too far away from him. Blood was everywhere and from what you could see of his body, it was most likely his. You hurled yourself over Thorin’s body, “Thorin where is he, I’ll kill him I’ll-“
His breathing was labored as he shook his head, “Shh,” Thorin could hardly whisper, “His defiling days are over.” He was smiling now that you were before him, as if he wasn’t in agony from his body being battered. The light in his eyes was bright, the lightest of blue. “I defeated him.” He said proudly but you couldn’t smile just yet. You dropped your sword that had been frozen in your grip, ready to swing at any orc. Your hands swept over his body, not needing to look hard for the gaping wound that was causing Thorin so much pain. He reached for your hands as they had started to tremble with uncertainty for his life. “Please Thorin,” You held in a sob as his fingers interlaced with yours, “don’t leave me.” “I will always be by your side amrâlime,” It was hard for him to say much more, and there was so much unsaid. You were trying to blink the tears away but that just made them spill down your cheeks. “My King,” you choked as you leaned over to kiss him for the first and last time.
“I love you,” The words were a soft caress for him as his final breath left his lungs. His eyes were forever locked with yours as he graced you with his lips lifted in a smile. One that had always made you feel special and had your heart racing. It now broke you into two pieces as you couldn’t feel the beat of his pulse and his body grew colder and colder.
You had screamed at the world “NO!” Until your throat felt like it was on fire and you had no more tears left to cry. It wasn’t fair! How could life be so cruel as to take someone who fought for the good, fought for his people, fought for his home! Yet he wouldn’t be able to live in it. It was too cruel for you to bare as you curled up beside him, body shaking with grief.
You couldn’t move as Bilbo and Dwalin came to grieve with you. They tried comforting you as best they could but it was Balin who finally wrapped you into a hug, turning you away from the King who would’ve been ruling under the mountain. The King who had your heart and hadn’t known it until the end. He took it with him, it was his to rule and his alone.