hi! hope you don’t mind me joining in!! how about:🥤, 🧸, 🎲, ❄️, and 🌿 — ☁️
please join in!! (also, i've been meaning to reply to your earlier message about your thesis. that's so awesome that you're in the homestretch!! cheering for you because it is a lot of work and effort. and you're almost there!! go bestie!!)
writer truth & dare asks!
🥤: recommend an author or fanfic you love
oh there's so many (which is why i have a fic rec tag) but the one that immediately comes to mind is "Your Love is My Turning Page" by @tippedbykreider. like, it was the most poetic beautiful heartachingly stunning fic. i was at a loss for words and in tears by the end (but they were 100% happy tears)
🧸: what's the fastest way to become your mutual?
truthfully, there isn't that much of a formula! i think a lot of it comes from engagement but sometimes it just happens naturally! tumblr also makes it more complicated because this is a side blog so there are people that are 'mutuals' but not "officially" according to tumblr. so i probably have more mutuals than i think i do because of that!
🎲: what stops you from writing more in your free time?
right now, it's just existential dread (newly graduated things). but usually, it's capitalism - i mean, work.
❄️: what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?
i don't have a specific idea but whenever i start to dream up alternate universes, i always think "oh Lauren (@ laurenairay) would probably kill this." she has such a knack for achieving the balance between giving enough information so you're immersed but not completely info-dumping and taking you out of the story.
🌿: give some advice on writer's block and low creativity
for writers block - the one i love is if you're stuck, go back ten sentences and read that sentence because that is usually where the issue is: you've introduced an idea too soon or the dialogue is wonky or something is out of character, etc.
for low creativity - it's a little cliche but taking a step back is the best way! or turn your creativity towards something else and that might help get your creative juices flowing. like, sometimes when I'm stuck in a fic, i'll make a playlist or a pinterest board for the story. that way, i'm still thinking about the story but i'm not staring in frustration at a word document.
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POLTERGEIST (2015)
Poltergeist (2015): A Reboot That Haunted the Wrong Neighborhood
Title:** Poltergeist (2015) (They really thought we needed another one?)
Genre:** Spooky with a side of PG-13 (More jump scares than existential dread)
⏳ Runtime: 1h 22m (Just enough time to grab popcorn before hiding under the blanket)
Made in: The U-S-of-A (Land of haunted Suburbia and Hollywood reboots) ** Year:** 2015 (The year remakes were basically a five-course meal)
** Simple Plot:** Family buys a fixer-upper with a side of angry spirits, things get weirder than finding Legos in the dryer, youngest daughter becomes the ultimate ghost magnet. Cue the CGI galore.
** Cinematography:** Slick and polished, like a haunted mansion featured in Architectural Digest. But lacks the raw, unsettling charm of the original's practical effects. Think less "bone-chilling stop-motion skeletons" and more "jump scares edited on iMovie."
** Memorable Scene:** The "swimming pool surprise" where tentacles make a splash (pun intended). Bonus points to Kennedi Clements (Maddie) for holding her breath like a champ! (Maybe chlorine just wasn't her thing?)
** Overall Review:** This remake is like the watered-down version of the 1982 masterpiece. No new spine-tingling twists, just a reheated plate of nostalgia that left me longing for Tangina's legendary barbecue. Feels like they built a haunted house out of Pinterest boards and forgot the actual scares.
⭐ Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. Passable for a lazy Saturday afternoon when even Netflix is asleep, but don't expect to be haunted by its brilliance. You'll be reaching for the remote faster than Carol Anne grabbing that clown doll.
** Fun Fact:** Did you know Kennedi Clements is basically Aquawoman? While filming the pool scene, she held her breath for over a minute! Now that's dedication (or maybe just a strong aversion to poolside gossip).
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i’ve gotten into a real weird spot on pinterest
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server collab || ii
Server Collab from the Haikyuu HQ server with the prompt: “Guess I‘ll just have to cum inside you.“
The masterlist for the whole collab is here!
Genre: fluff, smut
Warnings: slight SPOILER (it‘s really really small), smut obviously, little bit of public stuff if you count it as such, slight breeding kink, wedding sex, lot‘s of fluff
Word count: 3292
“I still remember when Iwa-chan told me, how he embarrassed himself in front of a cute girl and hoped he would never see her again to not relive the existential dread he felt at that moment. And then he told me he met her again and she laughed over the mishap and they were going to get coffee next week.”
-*-*-*-*-*-*
“I am so sorry.” His face was red, head bowed down in embarrassment, but you could still see it at the tip of his ears.
“It’s okay, it wasn’t like you were a stalker or something.” You were giggling a bit at the state he was in. “On top of that it is kinda my fault, I should’ve closed the curtains or something.” He slowly raised himself again, face still scrunched up in discomfort. He really looked like he was in horrendous pain and it was kinda your fault. “Please don’t beat yourself up over it. I’ll treat you to coffee, to make you feel better, when are you free?”
Maybe the fact that he was a looker made you act a bit more open towards him than usual, but you genuinely felt bad for him. He was obviously beating himself up over that accident a couple of days ago.
You had realised fast that you could look from your window right into the room on the other side of the street, which was why you invested in curtains pretty early. But apparently, you had forgotten to close them this time, so when you turned around shirtless and made eye contact with a man, you were both equally surprised. He looked mortified and you couldn’t even blink when he suddenly dropped to the floor, now hidden from your wide eyes.
Your body reacted, even though he probably couldn’t see you anymore, shielding your breasts with one arm, the other hastily closing the curtains. After the initial shock wore off you couldn’t help but giggle a bit. Why did he just drop to the floor? He could’ve turned around or something.
-*-*-*-*-*-*
Next to you, Hajime buried his face in his hands, but the large grin that had adorned his face for the whole evening was still there. Tooru waited a bit until the laughter calmed down until he continued.
“When I came back from Argentina for a visit she was already his girlfriend of five months. And when I saw Iwa-chan I knew that she would probably stick around for longer. You know, Iwa-chan is a very violent person-“ “Only towards shitty people!” You knew he couldn’t have let that jab just go by, but Tooru professionally ignored him.
“but with her, he was very soft, always touching her in some way. Sometimes touching too much. Don’t think we forgot the trip to the cabin!” He scoldingly wiggled his finger towards you, accompanied by Makki’s and Mattsun’s affirming but still scandalised shouts.
-*-*-*-*-*-*
“We gotta be quick, Haji.” His lips were hot on your collarbones, fingers already dipping under your shirt, quickly pulling it over your head. “I know, they will wonder where we are.”
You had excused yourself for a second from the movie the others had put on. It was the first time this day where there weren’t two other people in the room with you, everybody being huddled in the living room of the small cabin where you resided for the weekend. With two bedrooms shared between the six of you and one big room that functioned as kitchen, living and dining room, there was never space for some alone time, which you were desperate to have after your boyfriend strutted around you shirtless the whole day. It should be illegal for someone as fine as he was to do such things.
Foreplay had to be postponed for the next time, you had little time until the others would grow suspicious. “No need, I can take you.”
You pulled his fingers out of your entrance, desperate to just feel his cock in you. He chuckled at your eagerness, pushing his sweatpants down until his cock sprung free, already hard and leaking. Apparently, you weren’t the only sexually frustrated one.
“Fuck,” you breathed out when he buried himself in you with one stroke.
“Quiet, baby.” His lips found yours stifling your small moans as he began moving his hips.
Breathless gasped and small moans soon filled the room, occasionally accompanied by the sound of skin slapping, when Hajime couldn’t stop his hips before they met yours. “I’m close,” you whimpered as he began rubbing your clit and he shot you a breathless smile and pressed a small kiss to your lips. “Bite something when you come,” he said quietly, thrusts becoming a bit more erratic.
“Disgusting!” Loud banging on the door interrupted you and Hajime let out a string of curses. “If you already know then don’t go interrupting, Shittykawa!” Not having to hide anymore his hips finally snapped into yours, using the full capacity of his strength to make you moan against his shoulder.
Unfortunately, the orgasm you experienced didn’t lessen the embarrassment when you faced the others again.
-*-*-*-*-*-*
It was your turn to hang your head in shame, trying not to meet your parents’ eyes, who were seated next to you. Or worse, Hajime’s parents.
Tooru chuckled at your misery, before continuing.
“To be honest, I wasn’t that surprised when Iwa-chan called me and told me he would send me pictures of rings and I should help him decide. He obviously forgot timezones since it was 2am for me and I first thought somebody had died, but after promising to make me best man I obviously forgave him.” The guests laughed again and Tooru took a well-rehearsed break.
“I don’t think I have seen Iwa-chan as nervous as when he was rehearsing his proposal through me via Skype. I told him it was good, even though he was a stammering mess. But the thing about those two over there is that they calm each other down. So I knew, when the moment would come, everything would go swimmingly. I saw the way they looked at each other, there was no way she would say no.”
-*-*-*-*-*-*
“What are you planning?” You were chuckling, when Hajime lead you through the small house on the outskirts of Tokyo you two had purchased together when it was safe that he was staying in Japan with his work. “Let me surprise you, woman, and stop asking.” You could hear the amusement in his voice and it made your heart bloom. After all these years together he still made you feel like you were going on your first date. And he probably always would.
“Small step, be careful.”
You felt the ground changing from the hardwood floor to a rougher and colder one, showing you that you were now outside on the small terrace. You didn’t have to wonder for long, what he was planning when he carefully pulled the blindfold off your face. The first thing you saw was him.
But it was enough. He was smiling at you, his eyes radiating love. You couldn’t help but snaking your arms around his neck, to press a kiss to his lips. “You look so handsome. I love you.”
Hajime in a suit was something you had the pleasure of seeing a couple of times, but it still caught you off guard how someone could look this good.
“You haven’t even looked around, idiot,” He chuckled but still laid his arms around you to tug you towards him to kiss you again. After that he still forced you to turn around, to take a look at what he conjured in the last couple of hours.
The small garden you had behind your house was completely transformed, fairy lights making the faint evening glow even more magical.
“It’s beautiful.” The words were soft, Hajime wouldn’t have heard them if he wasn’t standing this close to you. “All for you, baby. I love you. I just thought, maybe we could sit on the blanket, maybe drink a bit of wine and just talk, you know?” His voice was laced with nervousness, even if he wasn’t even sure why. He knew you would like what he did. He went through your Pinterest boards and they were loaded with fairy lights, clinking classes, kisses shared under the faint glow. “That sounds perfect. What’s the occasion? I haven’t forgotten anything, right?” He laughed out loud at your nervousness. “No, babe, you haven’t. I just wanted to do something for you.”
His smile was so pure, filled with raw emotion, you had to kiss him again, putting as much passion as possible into the kiss. “Thank you, Hajime. I love you so much. I can’t believe I got so lucky.”
Your eyes were a bit wetter than usual and you hastily blinked the tears away, smiling at your boyfriend, ready to have a magical evening.
He really had everything prepared. Next to the blanket, a small cooler with a bottle of rosé laid, together with two glasses for you. His phone played soft instrumental music in the background, as you settled yourself against his chest, occasionally sipping at your wine, reminiscing about the past years, wishing for the future ones.
“Hey, move for a second, my leg’s fallen asleep.” A small tug of his leg under you made you sit up, while he fixed his posture, both of you now sitting upright in front of each other.
“Sorry, about that. Do you want to stand up for a bit to move it?” His eyes twinkled with amusement as he tugged you back down when you already wanted to stand up.
A shaky breath escaped him. So this was it. “Y/N, baby, I love you. So much, you can’t even imagine. You’ve been with me for the past couple of years and I honestly can’t wait for the future, if you’re by my side.” He paused for a second, hand slipping into his pocket. “Hajime.” Tears were already welling up in your eyes before he even managed to pull the ring out of his pocket, that he and Tooru had chosen so diligently a couple months prior.
“Will you marry me?”
-*-*-*-*-*-*
“Those two, right there, are a great couple if I’ve ever seen one. I actually can’t imagine a better partner for my Iwa-chan. Hajime. I’ve seen you grow up. I’ve been growing up alongside you and, dare I say, we’ve both become pretty great.” Tooru chuckled a bit, but everyone could hear his voice wavering, as his eyes were fixated on his best friend.
“I can’t express how happy I am, to still have you in my life, to now seeing you maturing into this great man who is inspiring others in everything he does. Seeing you enter this new part of your life, with this great woman in my life warms my heart. And you deserve nothing less. A toast to you. A toast to your future, Mr. and Mrs. Iwaizumi.” He raised his glass to you, a big smile on his face.
If he weren’t sitting right across from you, you would’ve missed the small tears rolling down his face. The guests around you all raised their glasses to towards you, everyone touched by Tooru’s speech.
But nobody came close to Hajime, who was clenching your hand in his’ tightly, tears welling up in his eyes, before he strode over to his friend, tightly embracing him.
You couldn’t hear what words were exchanged as tears fell and people smiled at the pair. Every guest at your wedding knew about Hajime and Tooru. The best friends, the best partners, who have been with each other since they were about five years old. Who only see each other every couple of months, partners technically becoming rivals.
When your husband came back to you his eyes were puffy, some tears still escaping, but the happiest smile on his face. Tooru hugged you too, wishing you good luck for your future, making a small joke about becoming an uncle again and telling you, once again, to take care of his best friend, his brother.
“I’m so happy to be your wife.” Hajime kissed you at your words but you still knew that he was equally as happy as you were. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily now,” you joked, relishing in the laughter that escaped him.
“As if I would ever want that. I’m going to put some kids in you as soon as possible. And then we have a little family. Maybe even a big family. Whatever you want.” He kissed you again and you couldn’t help but smile at the picture of him with kids in your head. More importantly, your kids. “About that.” You leaned into his side, grateful for the minutes you had at the edge of the room. “I’ve been thinking, maybe stopping my birth control? I mean we don’t have to start trying and stuff, but we’re married now and we’ve been together for a while, and we talked about it already, and-“ You were cut off with a passionate kiss, Hajime even dipping you slightly as he practically devoured you.
“Do you mean that? Do you really mean that?” You could only nod, a wide grin on your lips as you cupped his face in your hands to bring his mouth to yours again. “Fuck, I love you. I can’t wait to fuck you today.” Heat shot through your stomach at his words and his kisses did nothing to soothe it.
“Hajime.” You really didn’t intend for his name to sound like such a whimper. But when he growled against your lips you knew you were done for. “The bridal room. Where I got ready. Let’s go.”
You felt like a schoolgirl sneaking around again, when you were rushing through the halls of the venue, hand in hand with your new husband, giggling around, until you finally closed the door behind you, being pressed against the same one in an instant, a breathless Hajime resting his forehead against yours.
You were whispering ’I love you’s to each other for the probably thousandths time this day, but it wasn’t like you were growing tired of it anytime soon. “You gotta be careful about the dress, I don’t wanna have cum stains somewhere,” you reminded him as he was flicking up your skirt, already sinking to his knees.
“Guess I’ll just have to cum inside you.” You giggled in excitement at his statement, soon leading into a moan, when he buried his face between your lower lips, thong pulled to the side, his tongue expertly doing all the things he found out about you the years before.
“Fuck, Hajime.” Your fingers thread themselves in his hair, tugging him closer.
He took one of your legs in his hand, tugging it over his shoulder and digging even deeper between your legs, using the fingers of his other hand as well, to insert two of them into your dripping cunt. “Haji, I’m coming,” you whimpered, clamping onto him.
“Wait for my cock.” The years of never neglected training came in handy, when he stood up, with you in his arms, to seat you on the small table, that was probably just in the room for decorating purposes. You shrieked a bit at how fast everything was happening, but you kind of agreed with him.
The first time you should come as husband and wife should be with him deep inside you.
He dropped his suit pants to his ankles and you could feel yourself clench with excitement. “Ready, baby?”
“Yes, please, Haji.” You pulled him towards you again to connect your lips, moaning into his mouth when he rubbed his dick up and down your folds, coating himself in your arousal.
It’s weird to explain what you felt the moment he pushed himself inside you. You had sex lots of times. But in that moment you felt more complete than you ever did.
You stayed like that for a couple of seconds, connected in the most intimate way possible, before his hips snapped back and into you again, eliciting a moan of both of you.
“Honestly, fucking you in your wedding dress is hot as fuck.” He laughed breathlessly, kissing you again, all while not halting his thrusts.
“Think about me pregnant with your kids,” you purred in his ear and squeaked in delight when his next thrust was harder than before.
“Don’t get me started. You’re going to look so good pregnant. All round and cozy.” His speed grew more erratic and you knew he would come soon.
“Fuck, we gonna start soon, right?” Your fingers clenched in his shirt, pushing him closer to you, chasing your own high.
“We’re starting right now, baby.” He kissed you again, hand moving down to rub your clit again, chuckling at the little whimpers you let out.
“Haji-“ You didn’t need to say more, he already knew, what you wanted to tell him.
“Go on, baby.” You kissed again, moans mixing in your mouths, as his tongue caressed yours, the slight taste of your juices still left on them. Every time his cock hit that one part you had to suppress a small scream, only slightly moaning in your husband's mouth.
“Can’t wait for tonight. Gonna fill you- ah- up again and again. And then you can be as loud as you want. Fuck. Gonna take my time with you.”
The filth he muttered against your lips only made you clench down harder onto his cock, feeling your high approaching rapidly. It was him coming, his cum spurting into you, which finally sent you over the edge, legs wrapping around him, bringing him even closer to your body, completely engulfing him, dead set on never letting him go.
Heavy breathing filled the room, as you both came down from your high. Small kisses were being exchanged, I love you’s were mumbled. But it was still perfect.
“I’m already anticipating tonight,” you mumbled, slightly exhausted due to moaning so much, making him chuckle, while his hands calmingly rubbed up and down your sides.
When he pulled out of you, you moaned again at the feeling of his cum slowly dribbling out of you.
“This looks so good. You look so good.” Hajime’s eyes were focused on the spot between your legs, fingers twitching to push it back inside.
“Don’t let it go on the dress!” You shrieked, chuckling at the way he darted to get a paper towel, carefully wiping you down.
“You alright, baby?” He helped you down from the table after pushing your thong back in place and fixing up his suit pants.
“Yeah. I love you. You made me the happiest woman alive, today, you know that?” The smile he threw your way at your words made your heart bloom. You were so in love with this man.
“Now, brace yourself for the comments.” You intertwined your fingers again, going back down the hallways to rejoin your guests at your reception. “You think somebody noticed something?” Your hands grew sweaty at the thought. Hopefully, nobody suspected a thing. Especially not his parents. Or worse, the grandparents!
“Tooru will have noticed for sure. You know how he is. If we’re lucky he hasn’t told Makki or Mattsun.” Hajime seemed way to relaxed at the thought, only shrugging his shoulders, ditching your hand to throw his arm around your shoulder and pull you into his side.
“I love you.” He pressed a kiss to your temple and you could feel he was smiling.
“I love you, too.”
No matter what was going to happen once you got back, this was still the best day of your life.
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cosplay progress and more random vents
the pieces so far- Missing currently is gray paint for the headphones, and something to do a teal “Bi” cheek tattoo with. Also ordered the EVA foam to cover the skates with a while ago but still hasn’t arrived, hope it isn’t lost
And so I decided to dye the wig today
It was a process. Basically realized I might need a whole other bottle of blue dye to make it work, so decided to do maths and figure out what I’d need for the recipe- Basically, regular recipe calls for:
2 cups blue
1/4 cup green
3 tablespoons gray
3 gallons water
instead I used these amounts:
1 bottle blue (.875 cups roughly)
5.25 teaspoons green
4 teaspoons gray
21 cups water
the result was... just blue. Cut off a piece of the wig to use as a swatch, and just kept getting blue. Added a few teaspoons more of green, still blue. Eventually, started pouring the bottle in, at least 3/4s of the bottle. Finally, I got an okay color, but rushed it a bit- Was about to get in a call with friends, so I figured, stir it for five minutes and that should be enough
Well, it looked okay, but part of it felt darker in places, though I couldn’t tell if it was the lighting or not. So later on, I re-boiled the dye, added even more green, and dumped that baby in there (the last white swatch I had came out to a nice green color), so did that, did it for 15-20 minutes this time, and now it’s out to dry. It’s a tad greener... ish...? But I’ll accept it for what it is- Should’ve probably given it a bit more water to swim around in since by the second time, a lot of water had dissipated.
for reference, the color I was after:
now, there’s one problem...
I realize I don’t own a flat iron, I swore I did, but alas. Ordered one on Amazon and should be here Friday, anyway. Hope I can restore it to its original shape
Honestly, feeling a lot of anxiety over this costume- Was originally meant to be some silly non-serious outfit, that just had a bunch of hurdles I felt like tackling head on, and now they feel too overwhelming, I guess. It’s like, I work on the costume, and all I do is feel sick while working on it, but it’s a goal, and so I have to do it, I guess- the money’s spent, no going back, but man, not looking forward to the end result, I guess.
Next time I’ll probably just buy a wig closest in color and just style it properly (though cutting/styling hair is also something I’m terrible at...), the thought of painting the fabric is already giving me anxiety
Also need to do laundry, wash those clothes before I paint them and wash my casual clothes in general- Haven’t done laundry in a month, I think (beyond my dress-ier clothes), just never feel like getting around to it and scraping by with what I can wear
But yeah, anxiety, it’s weird. Tonight’s mostly been a sort of existential type- at least, creatively. Realizing I have no projects I feel like working on and nothing I feel like doing, and the dread of sitting here doing absolutely nothing’s been taking over me- I want to work on RN again, but have no ideas of what to draw or how to get myself to work on the comic again. I think of Skatered things, but zero idea of where to start with anything- Should I learn programming? Make more 3D models? Learn weight painting, finally? Mod JSRF or THUGPro? Hard to say.
Just a weird “wasted time” sense of anxiety, I suppose. But I’ve sort of conditioned myself to “not” think creatively, I think? It’s like, if I start thinking of what I can make, I also start thinking of my past failures and how they’ll most likely just happen again, and how impossible it feels to escape my current creative position
I think I can sum up my desires pretty easily- I really want to create things, and I want Kresna to be happy.
Also, random topic, been seeing random drama over some people I used to watch, it’s kind of weird, since they were my favorites of their groups, but I’m kind of impressed at how little I seem to care about it- Stopped watching them for a while and only just started killing time with stuff recently, now no real reason to keep watching again, just a weird apathetic feeling I guess.
But yeah, otherwise, I just sort of feel like I’m starting to let everything slip away again, and it’s a bleh feeling. Just a bunch of small things eating away at me
I’ll be going to work soon, need to fix my bike tire or something, not looking forward to how to get there
Heat’s on and I want to open windows, but traffic is too loud with windows open and I’m uncomfortable if bugs get inside
Chair and headphones are flaking apart and getting all over me, should replace them/parts of them or something
Want a certain type of desk, but can’t find one like it anywhere (other than places like Pinterest of course so I know it exists), just want a decent shelf-lined hutch mixed with a keyboard tray...
Anxious about displaying things like my Kuja figure in general, about trivial things like dust, sunlight, etc destroying everything I own
laundry, groceries, my mother’s estate things, lots of things slipping by me
etcetcetc
but let’s end on a picture of Kuja for good times sake (I love how detailed he is, I wonder if his FMV model still exists somewhere or if they just really studied the FMVs themselves like I have spent too much time doing, he’s so detailed and accurate, right down to the way his armor looks on the back, and aaa I hope to make his outfit someday... my only real gripe is how his left side seems to be curved...weirdly...
wait did I get a defective Kuja figure
vs
did I really get one that reused the right side piece for both sides
not sure how to feel about that actually, honestly kind of impressed
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unfriending my phone
So the leaves are finally starting to drop off the trees around here, giving me all the autumnal/winter pinterest-your-way-to-Halloween vibrations. Nature has a canny way of living and dying and getting rid of what it doesn’t need, taking time out, taking a rest and putting its feet up while the cold weather sets in. It doesn’t need to tweet about it, or update an instagram story with the caption “Branches are dying off lolz.” Autumn marks the beginning of death and decay, it won’t be long until we start posting pictures of our favourite streets coated in leaves (I’m into it). It’s amazing; so many of us love the colours of the fall but in essence, it is the death of living things that we celebrate, so that everything can start anew next year.
That’s reality, and I think that’s beautiful.
Here’s my point. I wish social media would take a break; I wish it would curl up in front of the fire, maybe die off and come back better for everyone next year. I know so many people who now log out of their apps, only to be sent emails from the apps themselves trying to help them “get back online.” This happened to me two weeks ago.
I don’t know whether I was suffering from PMS, or if I’d been sitting around too long, but my anxiety came on through flood gates I’d obviously forgotten to shut, so it took me a little while to realise the frequency had returned and was buzzing underneath everything before I tried to counteract its presence. I’ve realised I find it quite difficult trying to relive just how my anxiety feels in those moments, because everything seems like a big grey, squishy worm that bleeds into each passing minute, floating midair, making the atmosphere dreadful and vehr wormy. So there are no definitive emotions. Just worry, dread, pressure around my brain and the existential worry that I am not enough.
What I can recall, though, is that I was on social media so often I must have feared it was going to miss me. I have noticed that in times of my quarter life existentialism, the less I have going on around me, the more I automatically, without thought or intention, find myself immersed balls deep in social media. It takes around an hour of surfing absolute dink before I even realise how deep my balls are in the first place. I scrolled mindlessly, and through that open window of my phone, that little ignorant bitch named anxiety flew in as easily as a mother-fucking pidgeon, and I felt just as bad as that time I accidentally pronounced Pinot Grigio as Pee-not-Gri-guy-O. But alas! What did I do, but continue to swipe my poor little finger, as if it would find some answer, some pick-me-up that would relieve the overwhelming feeling of I-HAVE-FAILED (and believe me, when I ordered a Pee-not-Gri-guy-O to that waitress in the restaraunt I did feel that same sense of existential failure). I couldn’t explain to you or myself what I was looking for, and yet the more I found myself looking the worse I felt.
Let me tell you, that shit is as dangerous and addictive as gambling.
Did you know, Twitter was the first application to develop the pull-to-refresh feature, which was essentially mimicry of a slot machine? It wasn’t long before all the others followed suit (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat et al); ever wonder why you keep refreshing your pages? Do you hope to see something new? Something more beautiful? Something you’ve been tagged in? What’s the difference between you and the fella in Aspers, feeding in twenty after twenty into the machine, in the hopes that this time, this time, he’ll be rewarded? What about the woman who keeps getting four fifties changed at a time, laying all her chips on the roulette table, and losing it all, only to change more money, because this time, this time, she might win?
It’s not about the money any more. It’s about seeking the reward, the win, the fulfilment, and in social media’s world, validation.
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/may/08/social-media-copies-gambling-methods-to-create-psychological-cravings
So I’ve known for a while the power the internet and social media apps have had over me; all the articles I read in research for my novel really opened my eyes. Sometimes, though, I’m just as good as all the other people on the bus; neck craned, eyes cast downwards, quickly researching Ariana Grande’s insta feed to salivate over her aesthetic, or to see why everyone thought she was responsible for Mac Millers death (hint: she wasn’t).
It’s because, just like everyone else, I’m totally addicted to my phone.
Aside: I’m not blaming my bout of anxiety on social media, I’m just noting that it is a huge factor in how I perceive my life.
I use social media as a drug for my restlessness, and I receive sweet fuck all from it. Every time I look, it’s a reminder of how little I’m working, because I’m spending all my time thinking about working and looking at other people succeeding. It integrates this sense of failure, the smallness of my successes look in comparison, to be puney and frail. My lovely living room, amidst the quaint backdrop of my London suburb, looks boring against other artists hanging out in studios and lounging against LA backdrops online. What a failure I am; I’m eating into my savings to pay rent and afford food, I can’t buy that nice contouring set they’re selling to look the part, I’m flogging my clothes on Depop for spare change, I can’t afford flights there, I can’t afford any of this and I’m still chasing this pathetic goal of making money from my art. Every time I leave my parents house, my Dad hugs me and says, “Keep your head up, it’ll happen,” even if I haven’t spent the last two days complaining, even if I’m content, even if I run a bloody half marathon. Everyone’s still aware that she’s still trying, she’s not there yet. It’s really quite easy to lose yourself in those thoughts, it’s easy for me to reel all this off for the sake of a blogpost, but in the end I have to remind myself of the reality.
And that is, I’m fine. I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. I’m excited, I’m getting motivated, I’m trying, I’m earning, I’m positive about the future. I’m looking after myself.It’s uncertain at times, but life is uncertain. I’m not stepping forward to play the victim in the play of me life. But that’s the kind of outlook I have in hindsight when I haven’t been on my phone all day, because social media does not help my anxiety, or hinder its progress at all. It encourages it. Instagram feeds off of my insecurity and isolation, Twitter feeds off my desire to be all knowing, Facebook creates the illusion that I’m connected when in reality I’m more separated from everyone on there than I’ve ever been.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/may/19/popular-social-media-sites-harm-young-peoples-mental-health
As a generation, we’re so very disenfranchised but we’re all part of this huge market. It feels as though we’re connecting, and don’t get me wrong, social media is great for self expression and identity and openness. But at the end of the day, it’s a business, and we’re it’s blind, salivating customers. It’s a marketplace for everyone to sell themselves, even when they have no goods to offer. We’re advertised products that an algorithm predicted we’d like, we’re told to post daily to reach more followers, but most of them are bots or strangers who won’t look at your page more than once. Everyone follows each other but we don’t support or give like we used to. I get the odd comment on Instagram complimenting me on my “content,” but that “content” is just my life, I don’t plan it, I don’t create it, it just is. When did our lives become fictional?! I’m all about real action, not figurative or hopeful. I’m about judging my relationships on how they are outside of an app, not what’s said inside of it. It’s too easy to lose ourselves in the virtual version of reality, where we can create how we’re seen.
That’s the side of social media that I see, in terms of how it reflects back to me; it’s dark and foreboding, it’s void of meaning. And that is why I’ve been logging out. I want to enjoy it when I’m on there, not reminded of every flaw in my makeup. I rarely login in to Facebook now. I allow myself, twice a day, to look at Instagram (my main vice and source of all my first world anguish), and now I’ve been off-line, my desire to browse the app has diminished dramatically. I notice my boredom better than before; It doesn’t hold my attention. I caught myself scrolling half loaded pictures (bad wifi connection) this morning, and realised fifteen seconds in that I wasn’t actually looking at anything, I was swiping, endlessly, but the pictures were blurry and it was only the subconscious idea that something would appear that kept me going. So I put my phone down and finished my poop.
Has anyone else found themselves doing something similar? Has anyone else tried logging out? What kind of an effect did it have on you, on your mental health? What kind of an effect does your active participation on social media have, as a whole, on your mind? Do you feel less connected to the world, or more connected to those around you? Perhaps you have a better relationship with your phone than I do. *shrug*
I know I sound like a real doomsayer with my dark cloak (I’m not really wearing a cloak, but damn I think I’d like to) and and my seemingly pessimistic outlook. It’s not my intention to negate social media’s power to instigate positive change; just look at iWeigh, Help Refugees, Political Jules or Coppafeel. All good people using a Instagram to better spread their message of good health, equality and better body image across all platforms.
I also believe the people who have really nailed social media are the heroes, the mums and dads of Facebook and Instagram, using Facebook to share with friends and family. That’s the whole point, and I personally think that we’re missing it as a younger generation. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in a business who’s main priority is traffic across all its apps. It doesn’t care what the traffic is, whether its bad or good, friend or foe, wizard or troll (I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books again), only that we’re there and we’re active.
I reckon I really am an old woman at heart; so shoot me. I love my plants and painting, and I dream of living in some log cabin with an art studio, with a huge allotment, my main man and a couple of dergs, Bob Ross style. I love making music and getting on stage and performing, I love acting and I love media and I love galleries, I adore bookshops, beaches, forests. The whole, soppy whack. So what? I’m a romantic.
(That’s the only cool old lady gif I could find)^^^
I’m tired of stalling real conversations because either they or I have been sucked into apps, emails or jigsaw puzzles (it me). I want to live in this real world and create in this real world, but the discontent and conflict I feel is sometimes really, really irritating; I don’t want to use social media for my art, but it seems the only way you’re to be judged by labels and music makers. How much of a following do you have? How many likes do you pull in? How often do you post? It’s not about your art any more, it’s how good you are at selling it. I have enough trouble dealing with all the cogs turning in my brainbox without thinking about all this bullshit. And it goes beyond all that, it’s really irrelevant what career I choose, social media is addictive regardless of what we do.
So fuck that. I play the game when I have to, but I’m not bending over backwards for it.
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Philosophical Film : “Waking Life” (2001)
(Source : rogerebert.com)
Best cartoon (or is it really a cartoon ?) I have seen lately. Philosophy and everything.
“Waking Life” is an animated story about a nameless young man, played by Wiley Wiggins, who finds himself trapped in a continuous series of dreams.
He walks or levitates from one scene to another, listening to a range of theories by philosophers, intellectuals and crackpots. The text commentary to the film states that “Waking life features a complex interweaving of conversations with professors, artists, writers and performers. The film is an exploration from many points of view of past and current trends in philosophy.”
During the first half of the film he listens to various peoples theories about human existence, saying very little himself. In the second half of the film Wiley realizes that he is stuck in a series of lucid dreams, and he attempts to wake up. As his efforts fail he considers that he may in fact be dead, and experiencing a dream-like condition in the afterlife.
Below are some of my favorite quotes with further explanations from site Philosophical Films (http://www.philfilms.utm.edu)
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On Dreaming :
Man on the Train: Hey, are you a dreamer?
Wiley: Yeah.
Man on the Train: I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced, ever.
So whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ On Language :
“Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration and this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival.
But when it gets really interesting I think is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is like... frustration? Or what is anger or love?
When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand?
Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable.
And yet you know, when we communicate with one another and we feel that we have connected and we think that we're understood I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.”
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On Human Interations :
(Source : Pinterest)
It's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner.
"Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw.
I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?
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On Existentialism and Responsiblility :
(Source : GIPHY)
I'm afraid we're losing the real virtues of living life passionately in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself and feel good about life.
Existentialism is often discussed as if it's, a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre, once interviewed, said he never really felt a day of despair in his life.
The more you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented of marginalised, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It's something very concrete, it's you and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six billion people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless -what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, it makes a difference to other people, and it sets an example.
In short, I think the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off or see each other as a victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are.
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On Choosing between Freedom and Security :
“We should not SUBMIT to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control. Those that control my life, and those that seek to control it EVEN MORE! I want FREEDOM! That's what I want, and that's what YOU should want!
It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control, make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny.
We have GOT to realize we're being conditioned on a mass scale.
Start challenging this corporate slave state! The 21st Century's gonna be a new century! Not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, of classism and statism, and all the rest of the modes of control... it's gonna be the age of humankind, standing up for something PURE and something RIGHT! What a bunch of garbag liberal, Democratic, conservative, Republican, it's all there to control you, two sides of the same coin! Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorporated!”
(He argues that we are being conditioned on a mass scale to give up our freedoms, which society does by making us feel pathetic and small. Instead, Jones argues, we should embrace the “creativity and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit.” Isn’t it worth giving up some of our creative freedom in exchange for security?")
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On Politcs and Media and our Role in it :
(Source : GIPHY)
“Man wants chaos. In fact, he's got to have it.
Depression, strife, riots, murder. All this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies; but we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no! Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers.
They haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. "You want the puppet on the right, or the puppet on the left?"
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On Pessimistic View about Human Beings :
(Source : Pinterest)
What are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? The answer to that can be found in another question and that's this: Which is the most universal human characteristic: fear, or laziness?
(Wiley visits UT Austin philosophy professor Louis Mackey, who argues that the gap between the average person and Plato is greater than the gap between the average person and chimpanzees. True genius, he argues, is rarely achieved, largely because of human laziness.)
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I hope you like metatextuality, We-Care
INT. CLASSIC DORM ROOM - NIGHT
Two young women sit on their beds, both working on laptops. EMMA - 21, proud Slytherin, the kindest person on their floor and also the sneakiest- browses Facebook. Her roommate ADDIE - 20, reluctant Gryffindor, wants to be Tumblr famous but never posts anything- stares at her screen. She starts out of bed suddenly and groans.
EMMA
What’s wrong?
ADDIE
This application. It’s like it’s specifically designed to send me into an existential crisis.
EMMA
Oh?
ADDIE
And I quote- “Out of the avalanche of applicants, why should we choose you?”
EMMA
Oh boy.
ADDIE:
I know!
Addie walks over to Emma’s desk and opens a tin of chocolate covered espresso beans. Through their conversation, she paces back and forth, tossing them individually high into the air and attempting to catch them with her mouth. She’s not excellent at this.
EMMA:
I wouldn’t know how to answer that.
ADDIE
I’m thinking of listing a bunch reasons and explanations. And I kind of want them all to start with D. You know, Dedicated, Disciplined, Delightful...
EMMA
-Dutiful!
Emma looks sheepish. Addie laughs.
ADDIE
Desperate. And like yeah, it’s a gimmick, but it gives me room to play around. Like after ‘Delightful’ I’m gonna be all “Okay this one’s a bit of a stretch, but I can be funny! I’m pretty nice! You’ll like having me around the office!”
EMMA
I like having you as a roommate.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
(halfway under Emma’s bed, searching for a dropped bean)
We should write each other testimonials.
EMMA
Dear random company- I hereby guarantee that Margaret Adaline is cool and you should hire her.
ADDIE
Perfect. And for Dedicated I can be like- Yo, I’m just looking for a job that will let me do what I’m good at (marketing and communications) while letting me feel like I’m not making the world a worse place. And this org is about actively making the world better. I’d feel so lucky to be there I’d work my ass off.
EMMA
What type of thing are they?
ADDIE
I think they’re about connecting big businesses with non-profits. So shopping big brands can send some of their money to the non-profits who do their saving-the-world thing. I’m underselling it. They’ve helped keep kids out of the slave trade.
EMMA
That’s good!
ADDIE
I know!
Addie’s attempts at throwing and catching the beans are becoming increasingly desperate.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
I’ve been thinking again about whether the impact I leave is net positive or negative. I mean environmentally alone it’s probably the latter.
EMMA
Isn’t that why you started using your Divacup instead of tampons?
ADDIE
Yeet. And now I get to go this company and be like ‘Will my work on this planet be worth the damage I do just by existing? You decide!’
EMMA
I think you have a good impact. I mean, at least you’re not considering going into the oil industry.
ADDIE
You’re not gonna go into oil, Emma. You’re like the most environmentally conscious person I know.
EMMA
Addie, I’m a GEOS major. It’s kinda what we do.
ADDIE
Ok, sure, but if you do it’s gonna be about promoting new, less shitty alternatives. You’re gonna be on that team PR points to to be like ‘See! We’re not all bad!’
EMMA
...I do get really excited when I think about fracking...
Addie can’t resist.
ADDIE
Well. I mean, who doesn’t love fracking.
EMMA (playing along)
It’s like, invigorating to imagine.
ADDIE
And so dirty.
Emma falls into laughter.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
How could that place not hire me? Look at the complex high-brow humor they’d be missing out on.
EMMA
Of course they’ll hire you. You know non-profits- you did Grubstreet!
ADDIE
You and your optimism. Hold on-
Addie looks to her computer.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
They want me to know business stuff- I can spin Grubstreet finance into that... Research- Grubstreet and Boston Lit District... Writing skills- English major... Independent projects and strategy- did a lot of that making those videos at Cape Ann... Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Insta- I’m a millennial; I know these. Ok wait guess I’ll need to learn how to Pinterest. Linkedin? Fuck yeah.
EMMA
See? You’re qualified.
ADDIE
So is everyone else. Ha! I like this one though. “Bonus points if comfortable on the phone.” I can do that. Grubstreet’s front desk drilled any phone anxiety out of me. I’m great at phones. I’m clear, I’m friendly, I don’t stutter. I’m Excellent.
EMMA
Well you know what that means.
ADDIE
What?
EMMA
Next time we want delivery, you get to place the order.
Addie stares at Emma, amazed.
ADDIE
Oh my god. Wow. WOW. I walked right into that!
She glances back at the application. Looks away quickly. Tosses another bean into the air and catches it. Chewing, she says-
ADDIE (CONT’D)
Yo, I think I got it figured out. Watch-
She tosses another bean. This one bounces off her tooth.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
Ow! Fuck!
EMMA
Ahh! Are you okay?
ADDIE
I’m fine. See?
She picks up the same bean and tosses it. Misses again.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
Fuck!
EMMA
You know my heartrate speeds up a little every time you do that.
ADDIE
Why?
EMMA
What if you choke!
ADDIE
(tossing and catching/missing throughout) I’m not gonna choke! Though like, I thought they would make me feel more awake, and, like, they totally are! But I also think that they might, like, be making me a little more anxious? Which is kind of, like, the opposite of what I need right now? Can I have a cider?
EMMA
Addie I’m cutting you off.
ADDIE
No!
EMMA
From the beans I mean. Have a cider.
ADDIE
Ok wait last one.
She presses an espresso bean into Emma’s hand.
EMMA
Ohh, I don’t think that’s a great idea... I don’t really want to...
ADDIE
No dude I meant for you to toss it to me.
EMMA
Oh! Thank God! Yeah, I can do that! I thought you wanted me to try to catch it and I was like Hell No. Okay, you ready?
Addie crouches closer to bed-level. She opens her mouth wide and grunts an affirmative. Emma throws the bean overhand- it misses wildly. The two laugh.
EMMA (CONT’D)
That was really bad!
ADDIE
Well maybe you should try throwing underhand. Here-
Addie picks up the bean and gives it back to Emma. Emma tosses it in a gentle underhand- right into Addie’s mouth.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
Mmm! Fuck yeah!
They high five. Addie retrieves a hard cider from their closet and cracks it open using a bottle opener off of Emma’s desk. She takes a long sip and sighs.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
Oh my god that’s so much better already. Day three of the semester and I’m already turning to drink.
EMMA
Whatever will become of you?
Addie’s face scrunches up at the joke. She finishes her cider, crawls into Emma’s bed, and rests against Emma’s thigh. She takes Emma’s non-scrolling hand and places it on her head. Emma cards her fingers through Addie’s hair.
ADDIE
Why do they have to be so stressful?
EMMA
Applications?
Addie nods.
ADDIE
I just wanna not have to worry anymore. But then again I guess worrying is human. Maybe I wanna be a dog.
EMMA
I saw this thing online that was like- imagine being a golden retriever. You’re living on a farm in Maine and you’ve got a family that looks after you and feeds you... you can just hang out all day...
ADDIE
Okay like I feel that? But also- you’re bordering on furry talk there Emma.
EMMA
You’re the one demanding to be petted.
ADDIE
Touché. Being a Golden Retriever is the dog ideal though.
EMMA
Everybody loves them!
ADDIE
It’s cause they don’t have resting bitch face.
Addie realizes her pun, then plays herself a ‘badum ts’ on an imaginary drum set.
ADDIE (CONT’D)
They’re always smiling! They look like:
ADDIE (CONT’D)
:D
EMMA
:D
The pair laugh. Addie becomes fixated with a tipsy intensity.
ADDIE
Okay I got a plan.
EMMA
Plans are good! Plans ward off existential dread!
ADDIE
My thoughts exactly. I’m gonna work on application between classes tomorrow. After that I’ll do homework with free time til Friday night. We can have fun then- that’ll be my incentive to do work. Then I’m donating blood on Saturday morning because it will make me feel better.
EMMA
That’s a good plan!
ADDIE
Thank you! I think I might include that in the app. About why I donate blood. Because yeah, sometimes I only do good things to feel better about myself, but that’s not a bad thing. It means that as humans, helping other people makes us feel good. Altruism is overrated. Humans evolved so that it makes us happy to help other humans. That’s awesome! It means that if you give someone the opportunity to do good, they’re gonna take it! Even if it’s a company- that’s just a bunch of humans! And this org- it gets that, and it’s making those opportunities, and that’s good! Doing good is beneficial to me, and that’s good! Because it says something amazing about humans in general.
EMMA
I think you should include that. It’s honest. I like it.
ADDIE
Yeah, they’ll love that. Dear sir or madam, I know there are people more qualified than me applying, but I’m honest.
EMMA
You’re unique!
ADDIE
Ugh, don’t say that to a theatre kid- you’ll unleash the monster. I spent most of my high school years convincing myself that I’m no better or worse than anybody else. And now this application comes in like ‘why should we hire you?’ The beast rears its ugly head- “BECAUSE I’M SPECIAL!!!”
Addie mouths ‘I’m not’ to Emma, who smiles.
EMMA
Hm. Well you’re not afraid to present the less polished sides of yourself-
Emma starts giggling.
ADDIE
What?
EMMA
And that makes you-
Emma laughs harder.
ADDIE
Am I missing something?
EMMA
Daring!
Addie laughs.
ADDIE
Delectable!
EMMA
Delicious!
ADDIE
Deviant!
Done.
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