#the depth & unconditional nature of it just. is something else to me. esp i think because my brain is The Strange Way That It Is . idk

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 76

Ok, at the office ostensibly to work, and God knows I need the money, but I feel like I need to take a little bit of time to sift through a whole heap of shit that has happened. And, as I cannot afford or schedule therapy right now, I need to get this out and mull it over somehow.

Ok soooo since I last wrote...

J came to visit. (This was just over a month ago.) We took a day and bashed around my part of town; played games, it felt more like we were investing in what I wanted to do. He was also sensitive, considerate, and we didn’t really have much time where his health or other factors tanked the conversation or invoked dead air. Very promising. I did show him my bedroom, in all its glory, and I fear I pushed intimacy there too far. Exceedingly foolish on my part. He was sweet and went along, and enjoyed himself I’m sure, but in hind sight--that was a NO. He says he’s following my lead wrt sex, but I wonder if he really wants to go that far. I get the sense that sexual enjoyment is something he wants to provide as a gift/service, and he thinks well enough of me to want to do so. He was also affectionate and moderately cuddly, more so than he has been before. He met my mom, and gets points for being sweet and charming to her. (He knows where stepdad is btw, but I was not brave enough to tell him why.) He also offered that we invite her to dinner so she not feel left out--points there. But ALSO, the discussion about it was nice and co-conspiratory and felt good--we were partners in crime making this decision. That was nice, and not the only time such had happened that day. And, when I got too intimate in the bedroom and cried, he held me and listened. An infinitely good man. But I’m still not sure he considers me precious enough to build something long term--he cares for me I know, he’s attracted to me of course, but am I precious to him?  Unknown. I know this: we did not end up taking mom to dinner, and while there had as open a conversation as we ever have. I tried to explain to him that when he stops actively pursuing it confuses and unsettles me; that the radio silence is really bad for my anxiety. He showed me a glimpse of his broken heart, talked about his breakup with his previous lady, and took my hands and said, in the most tender heartfelt of voices “I want to do right by you.” Perhaps the closest thing to a legit declaration I have ever gotten from him, bc he is so careful and reserved. It was amazingly touching, and I thought, good, this is a directive, something to go on. He really REALLY has the best of hearts. But THEN...he didn’t pursue that. His job is eating him alive right now I know. But there has been weeks of almost entirely radio silence--to his credit he has made some small convo which I know is him making an effort, and a mark of affection. He has finally resolved to get out of this abusive job, which is great. And perhaps on the other side of that he could be able to be available to me in the way I need, even on a slow burn. The trouble is that in that radio silence and disconnect...

P stepped in. P, who I thought just wanted to be friends. P, who I have said in the past feels far safer than J, for whom I haven’t (until nowish) had to tell myself to lower the stakes with. P, who I have raced forward with at a rate that is incredibly foolish in the course of about a month. So he’s got some neuroatypicalities and trauma, I think, from past negative experiences. He uses words like “frigid” and “robotic,” and has hangups about physical stuff. So he was giving me mixed signals bc he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to pursue anything romantic with me. But, when pressed, he was most complimentary and we messaged until 4AM. We set up a proper date, in which he taught me self defense, and I taught him swing dance. He is a natural and brilliant and supportive teacher. I’m not exactly kicking butt any time soon, but he makes me feel like I could, make me feel as though I could be capable of more than I realized; hence the list of ambitions. That partnership--that being able to glance across the dance frame or over the punching mat he is holding for me and look into his eyes and know that he is just *there* for me...that is...so good for me. SO good. He is a consummate partner, and I fear I am coming to rely on him too much. He understands and upholds my need to feel equal; engages in trades (music for music, combat for swing, massages for... other things). He makes a ridiculous amount of money, so when he spends on me it is one time when it simply cannot be equal. I begin to worry about other things too. He went away with his dad to a conference in Finland for a week and wrote me the loveliest letters every day while away. He was back for three days (which evenings we spent together and I even was able to sleepover the last and he made me breakfast...) and then is now in NY for a week with his family. He can’t write as much there bc it is family time, and I fully get that. My life continues and feels humdrum here--esp bc I’m not really working at Job #1 bc I’d hoped to be working in promotion at Job #2 by now. But more on that below... He’s being so active and outdoorsy, telling me how amazing his cousins are...and he’s not *here* I guess, to reassure me in person... For whatever reason, I’m drowning in feelings of inadequacy, and I fear, for the first time, that an expiration date has been created here. We agreed initially ‘one day at a time,’ but both had trouble keeping to that. We have trips already planned two months out (he’s taking me to NYC to see Hamilton!!!!), and talk long term all the time. Let’s remember folks, we have been romantic only A MONTH. Another good occasion for this gif:

But he seems to feel the same depth of emotion (impetuous though it is) that I do, that feeling of safety and ultimate support. Could this be a chance (down’ the road) for an unconditional love relationship with a romantic partner? Could such a thing exist for me? I worry bc he is so inherently capable; a genius and regimented; he owns a house, cooks, works out regularly, keeps himself to a diet, is a great planner, not to mention the combat; he’s a natural at swing and most anything else he puts his mind to. He’s also crazy smart, eloquent and witty; well-versed, well-read, and his baggage is not as incommodious as mine. I hate the idea of lying to him (a good sign!) and so I told him (where I was not brave enough to tell J) about stepdad and that situation. I feel for the first time (in an Austenian sense) how tainted I am by association. Most people (say, his excellent family) cannot stomach that sort of a thing in any sense, nor wish to connect themselves. He says he is not bothered, but it makes me angry and sick to think about it. Blegh. Just another of those bits of baggage I bring which make me so difficult to be with--the child and the legal marital status being others, among many... So far I have felt decently comfortable being myself and not feeling like I have to change for him (that bbaaaaaaad instinct). But lately I have felt as though I need to start working out or I cannot keep to his standard. It is not that I don’t want to be active, and I know the benefits, but working out as rigorously as he does is not something that feels like it comes from me; rather something I feel I must do for him. And the instant I start feeling like I have to behave a certain way or he will walk is the instant the warning bells start. I have the feeling and I want to stop it; I’m pretty sure it lies in me, and I want to understand it so I can stop it. I will never be as infinitely good, capable, vigorous or whole as he is. And if he wants to attempt to love me in spite of this...I just need to square with that. I want to have the strength to feel good in myself without his support. I want to feel worthy and equal. What can I bring to him that he doesn’t already have? And is it enough? When I tally our assets I always feel as though mine are wanting. He tells me I make him happy, happier than anything. But will that fade? Is it enough? Bc by my calculations it simply doesn’t add up.

“...the day that I find, suddenly I’ve run out of secrets, suddenly I’m not always on his mind...”

So, guiding questions:

1- Am I being foolish rushing into this? Am I trying to convince my heart to go where it simply cannot yet and is not ready to go?

2- What is the source of this feeling of inadequacy and how can I halt it? 

3- Is there an expiration date? How would I feel about that?

In the midst of all this T is proving tricky to shake. My fault as much as anything. I find myself crazy susceptible to his physical prowess (he’s well-versed in the art of physical intimacy) and he blindly praises me with a worshipful devotion. It’s addictive I admit. P will be more of a slow burn in terms of physical intimacy; but if we get all the way there (which slow burn is really a good healthy thing for me), I suspect it could be the sort of thing that makes me cry, in the best of ways. The contemplation already makes me more sentimental than I can say. And that’s the thing; when P gets back in town and I can look into his eyes again--when he’s there on the other end of the dance frame...holding my hand and holding me up, I will feel safe again. Loved, secure, and in no doubt. I have yet to feel inadequate when he is there like that. Because he doesn’t look at me and see flaws. And he is so pragmatic and unruffled. A good attitude for me. He is a “problem solver” as he likes to say, and nearly everything has a simple, logical solution. That’s a lovely grounding thing for me. It give me steel and makes me think things like “You don’t have demonstrable skills? Then acquire some.” And he makes it seem simple, achievable. He believes in me. And he tells me so. And he is committed to getting this thing we’ve got right. All good good things. So I have faith that things will return to normal when he’s home. 

Another point of insecurity for me atm is that I await news of this job which I had hoped to hear of before now. The week that they gave me is almost up, and I cannot help but feel that if they wanted to offer it to me they would have by now. Also, feeling anxious about all I have to learn.

And on THAT note, I do feel somewhat better and need to get some actual paid work in. Hopefully I will muse more before too much longer.

Non sequitur: In the soundtrack of P (he is sharing metal with me) there is so far: “Heaven Help My Heart,” “You’re Awful” and “Two Sleepy People”--because we cannot seem to get enough sleep in each other’s company--texting or cuddling. Which is, in his simple heartfelt language: “nice.”

[hearthendo]

Darkness Turned into Light

My story starts when I was 6. Why 6? Because that’s all the memories I have to date back to. The first 6 years of my life is a mystery. All I have are stories from my adopted parents and my Agent; stories that are short and far from being labeled as normal or healthy. Dropped off underneath a bridge in a rural area in southeast Asia, a passerby compassionately picked me up(I was a baby) and dropped me off the front doorsteps of the nearest adoption agency. Back then, it was a a drabby building that offered just the most basic needs for abandoned babies alike. It was nothing to write home about, yet it was my safe haven for the next 3 years. Miso soup was the primary food group as dozens of children packed together in a small room to eat; children were taught responsibility immediately and were expected to share in the chores of helping peers. Toys were imagined but playmates were plenty. As there was always a shortage of staff in comparison to the needs of the many kids that were under one roof, there was also an inequality of treatment between certain orphans and their caretakers. Some caretakers would choose their favorites, others would make up cruel games such as leaving children in closets for hours long, eventually releasing them, only to laugh at their tears. As I know small parts of my life as an orphan, I only acknowledge it as stories. Maybe I have my bad memory to thank for it since I have no memory of my life before I came to America. Even then, it wasn’t until I was 6 years old when I finally had memories of my life. It may be from trauma that I suppressed the first ¼ of my life in order to move on, whichever it was, it was just the beginning of my internal struggle with depression. Depression is sneaky and little elusive similar to emotional abuse. It’s hard to detect esp. as a child with no education in mental illness and having no idea how to deal with it, it settled in too comfortably. It wasn’t until high school where depression started to take a noticeable effect on me, there would be days where I would be lying in bed with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t find the strength to get up and do something else. It was an addicting pattern that no one understood or picked up on in the home. There were so many days where I felt such a depth of sadness I couldn’t shake off. I would stare at my ceiling wondering why I was even still alive, thinking of countless ways of how to just end it. A lot of my depression stemmed from not knowing who I was. I was an awkward teenager with acne and braces. I had a small group of friends, and when I say small I mean a group of 4 girls that I spent some of my days with. The other days were consumed in my studies, playing with my siblings or working endlessly. I’m really good at working, but that’s a story for another time. All this to say, I was insecure and did not fit in with any cliques. I found myself confused often as to why I couldn’t fit in with any groups and became very lonely. Seeing it best to be by myself vs being with people who didn’t accept me, the depression grew inside as I was dealing with family issues as well. Every time I would entertain the idea of suicide, I knew I lacked the strength to go through with it; even though my mind wanted so much freedom from the struggle, I knew it was a very selfish act and that Jesus would see me through this trial in my life. Having been raised in a Christian home, I had a small view of the mightiness of God. I knew of the gospel, yet had a wary understanding of what that meant for me. Thankfully, with the small faith I had in a redeeming savior, the Lord came through to me as he lead me to YWAM. By that time I was a high school graduate with a weighty pressure to pursue university. It was a miserable time of not knowing what I wanted to do, yet at the same time I wanted badly to honor/please my parents. I stuck college out for the next 2 years until I finally heeded to the Lord’s voice to go to YWAM. It was one of the best decisions I made for myself and the start of my relationship with Jesus and from that moment on, I knew God was real and His word was true. The biggest breakthrough for me during my time in YWAM was learning my identity in Christ. It paved the way to where I am now, embracing who God made me to be and being dependent on how He sees me. Everything I do, I do unto the Lord, whether that be always on the forefront of my mind, I am training myself to keep in perspective the mindset of the Lord, knowing He is trustworthy and has my best in mind. Anytime we look anywhere else, one thing is for sure, it can never sustain us. People will fail us, materials can never be enough, and our passions will never make us whole. Everything we need comes from the Father, as He has made everything from the beginning. Finding my security in Him has been my life vest and the way I’ve been able to conquer my depression. To this day, there are waves of sadness that come my way due to the nature of sin that dwells on earth. There may never be an end to my struggle, but there is always victory from it when it pokes its head back up. Jesus promised a way out of every temptation and the temptation to remain in sin grows less everyday as I trust God to carry me through those difficult times. YWAM helped me to see with fresh eyes the goodness and faithfullness of the Lord. The moment I said yes to Him, was the moment I traveled into the valleys to uproot the darkness in me. It’s beautiful how suffering has turned into this experience that solidifies my relationship in Jesus a little more every time, for it’s through suffering that we share in God’s glory and when you catch a glimpse of that, you’re spirit becomes so aware of God’s presence and His capacity to make you into this transformed likeness of Himself, you couldn’t be, without the grace and unconditional love of the Lord. The incredible way love works, is that it’s completely sacrificial. Everything God did, he did for the sake of his people so we can live in freedom; freedom from strongholds of every kind. Depression, anxiety, addictions, pride, control, you name it. He calls us into that freedom and shines a light in the cracks of our heart to make us who we were meant to be; perfect and whole. I am in wonder of how God could love someone like me, but am extremely thankful for His unending mercy and favor on my life. I write only to share what the Lord has done and is doing. This is just one way He has worked in my life and I hope wherever you are at, it will bring some encouragement or curiosity to know more about who our loving Father truly is.