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#the covid situation here is getting worse and everyone is tired and who the fuck knows when we will be vaccinated
opinated-user · 1 year
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For anyone else on Earth, looking at art drawn by TWO artists who used CSEM as references (including one who hurt her own son), having massive porn accounts full of the most realistic shota and loli on the face of this planet, misgendering every trans and nonbinary person she encounters, calling queer people cishet if she doesn't like them, hating a Jewish nonbinary cartoon creator and likening her to a Nazi, overlooking antisemitism in Harley Quinn, writing a black OC whose mom is a slave trader who goes on to wed a trafficking victim of her mother's and completely control her life/use her as childcare and ship repair, making the Tooncritic situation worse allowing an actual pedophile to walk free, having her Gardevoir OC violate a human child, writing incest and murder and pedophilia and rape, coercing people into sexual art and acts they were uncomfortable with, stealing art, stealing jokes, having her audience dogpile people, accusing her audience and haters alike of wanting to fuck or rape her, flashing children suddenly on stream, and lying chronically about everything from catching covid 3 times to her race to faking entire people would be enough to get her deplatformed.
I've seen people get deplatformed for any single one of these things.
Why the fuck does Lily glide by without any lengthy comprehensive video or massive Lily exposed video essay? Why is it always, at most, a video that goes over one thing she did or one person she hurt? Why does no one ever talk about the people whose existence she faked or the porn accounts or the racefaking or any other number of things she's done?
Maybe if someone did a cold, calm TRO style video about all the shit Lily's done with all the receipts we'd get somewhere. But instead videos are made about, at most, two things she's done, without the piles of evidence for all the other things, and then everyone argues about a word possibly being misused as if that's going to help things.
If I had any money to my name I would buy equipment and make a documentary length video on everything she has done. Instead I have to sit here as a Jewish CSA victim knowing she can endorse Nazis and support an artist who assaulted a two year old and know that at most those things will get 4-10 reblogs on tumblr rather than her getting dragged and deplatformed away from minors she can hurt.
I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired. The fact that not one person even seems to care enough to try to cover even a fraction of her shit is exhausting. It takes me right back to childhood and being told what my abuser did wasn't serious because she's a girl and girls aren't bad like boys are.
Can someone please hold this woman to account? The evidence is all over the place. The job is halfway done for you. Someone, anyone, please do something significant to deplatform her.
At this rate the only way she'll be deplatformed is if she abuses a child herself, and only if it's in a way the authorities bother to give a shit about. Again: I am so tired. No one gives a damn about people like me, either in the sense of giving a damn about CSA survivors or Jewish people. No one cares. No one has ever cared. I wish I'd died when I was a kid and my abuser used to choke me, I really do.
making the Tooncritic situation worse allowing an actual pedophile to walk free
(i have to clarify that i was wrong about that. on this post segasister is kind enough to explain better the situation. LO actually had nothing to do with the investigation one way or another. she did took advantage of it and made it seem like she was the hero when that wasn't true, but she didn't made it worse either like i assumed so.) anon, please don't think of it that way. i know it's disheartening and dissapointing that all of this doesn't recieve as much attention as we'd all like, but at least is recieving some attention now. it was a lot worse just a few years back. things are changing slowly but they're doing it and for the better. LO might never get the TRO's style documentary that other figures got, but she's slowly fading into irrelevancy and that is what matters because it means less people she can hurt. i'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. if LO and the discourse around her makes you feel that way, i recommend taking a break, find your support system and try to forget about this for a while. your wellbeing and mental health is more important that LO and anything she could do or say.
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conduitandconjurer · 1 year
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sorry this got long, so keep scrolling if you aren’t in a headspace for a mutual to vent ooc. 
i’m upset for stupid reasons that, i think, go back to bigger or deeper things IRL.
i’m upset that i’ve been too busy as my mother’s sole caretaker OR playing frantic catch-up at work (i’m a professor and it involves a LOT of grading, lecturing, reading, and writing, and frankly extracurricular things like counseling and reporting concerns about students’ emotional or physical safety) to do things like shower, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat as healthily as i should, exercise, and most of all, do ANYTHING creative to my own satisfaction. it has been more than a WEEK since i have showered! it has been since JUNE since i have even started a complete, finished, full-color artwork. 
yeah, i know the positivity drill: “you create things for your own joy, not to be good at them.” but i only enjoy making things (image or word) that i can do with a certain degree of thoroughness and depth. i don’t like to half-ass anything. there’s also executive dysfunction borne of crippling anxiety and depression, which are more situational (C-PTSD) than the result of brain chemistry.
so i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i want to just have some semblance of a normal adult life. i have not had a normal life since i was diagnosed with an incurable, progressively worsening illness AT AGE SIX. and i have let it get MUCH worse (my kidneys, stomach, eyes, lymph nodes, and blood vessels are all so badly damaged that there is no fixing them, there is just praying they don’t get worse, and now all sensation in my hands is going too: i can barely type this) because i’ve had to take over for my mother (no, insurance won’t help us, believe me, i’ve looked into it: she’s on dialysis but somehow “not sick enough”) and i have NO TIME to see my OWN doctors and do the necessary lifestyle changes to make MYSELF any better. i want to take a shower, and have energy to do anything after that. i want to go on a date. hell, i have a new boyfriend, but i find dating him to be a chore that i dread because i am so fucking drained by the end of the week that I’d rather just go to bed. 
i want to be selfish. i just want to be SELFISH for ONE DAY. 
but i know that’s not realistic.  i mean i live in a world where everyone, EVERYONE, that i know, has just gone back to attending major events maskless, even though COVID is still surging. people like me are apparently expendable; we’re “sick anyway,” so if we die, it’s “expected.”  we get left behind and NO ONE NOTICES. 
i won’t be able to do Sheehantober/Sheetober, whatever it’s called, that super cool thing with all the creative prompts. 
i won’t be able to draw/paint the entire notebook of ideas i’ve had waiting for “free time” since last february.
i won’t have time to answer my drafts here, that have been sitting since may.
i won’t be able to even catch up on Discord threads, and I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE TIME TO CELEBRATE KLAUS’S BIRTHDAY WITH GOOFY LIGHT HEARTED SIMPLE THINGS. I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT IT ENTIRELY. 
but honestly THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER, because i haven’t had the time to form many meaningful connections with people (aside two lovely souls who know who they are) in this fandom, and nobody inboxes me or responds to my open starters anyway.  plus if they did, i’d probably be too sick or tired to do a thing about it. 
mom just spilled perishable stuff all over the kitchen floor trying to get her own food, so now i have to go mop that up even though my sciatica is so bad that i’m sweating. this weekend, i have to somehow find time to get a house cleaner, inventory and remove extra dialysis supplies (32 HEAVY boxes to cover), find and buy a table with very specific parameters to hold a dialysis cycler, etc etc etc). a day in the life. 
and you think, “can’t you ask somebody to help?” friend, if you say that, you have never experienced TRUE chronic illness, and how very quickly people you are close to become “too busy” to help when they have to interact with (noncommunicable!) illness, and acknowledge their OWN mortality. 
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dontneedmyheart · 3 years
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ladyalienist · 3 years
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Health, size, and honestly fuck everything.
I wouldn't want to write this post, but here we are. I mean, this is the most anonymous I can get.
In January 2020, before this whole Covid mess started, my head started spinning at random.
It was slightly uncomfortable, but I could do stuff while slightly uncomfortable. I'm used to doing stuff while in pain.
In March 2020 I received an endometriosis diagnosis - after thirteen years of pain and bathroom gore one week a month, five different oestrogen pills that worsened the situation (to this day, I haven't spent ONE DAY in my adult life without taking some hormonal pill) and TWO YEARS OF ME SAYING "I have endometriosis, I have every symptom, PLEASE HELP ME!".
Finally I had a therapy that made me feel better - no more The Shining blood-in-the-corridor scene! No more pain! Just follow religiously the regimen of progesterone and supplements for the side effects and you'll be fine! Still fatigued as fuck, still suffering from dyspareunia, but who cares.
My head kept on spinning at random. I didn't bother.
I don't go to the doctor unless it's extremely necessary. It's not a matter of money - my country has free healthcare, thank you very very much - it's about how I was treated. Not listened to, my problems overlooked, diagnosed at best with "fat" and at worse with "maybe it's all in your head, sweetie", the very few time I was in for somethig that couldn't possibly be reduced to "fat" the exams were invasive and painful and included screaming at me for flinching. And then a "lose weight, anyway".
I won't go on and on with rambling about my misfortunes with doctors, but anyway, in late June my head spins a lot and it's not just being slightly uncomfortable, it's "I'm risking to fall and hit my head every morning when I get up and I can't do shit". I go to my doctor this morning.
This woman who had me as a patient for about a decade makes her visit and assumption - not that important, it's not the point - prescribes me more in-depth exams and one medicine that should help, and then proceeds to tell me "you must really be sick to come, you're not the type who ever goes to the doctor". Yeah ma'am, maybe if you had listened to me when I came the first two times I'd trust you better. Then she sends me to a very kind nurse who needs some information to make a new file about me. Including height and weight.
Based on BMI I am obese. And I am fat. Like, I'm a really big and intimidating sturdy woman. But I have unbreakable bones and a strong build and even when I'm not doing any sports I can still lift most of my friends up and spend a whole day marching. I am undeniably fat and I'd need to lose weight, but I'm far from being the kind of obese most people imagine when saying the word. Like, many people including males in seeing me genuinely don't think I'm in any way medically problematic.
BMI is shit. It's shit on so many levels. Everyone knows that. Yet the nurse kinda frowns, she didn't expect those numbers.
I go out from the doctor. It's a nice, sunny day.
I am thinking about killing myself once again.
I think about all of the desperate work I put into learning how to take pleasure from food and still eating healthy - once a week I have pizza. Once a week I might have a sandwich with a bit of mayo or a sushi lunch. No soda of any kind. Some biscuits at breakfast because in my culture breakfast is carby and sweet - but my breakfast is overall not that big deal. I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I try to be intuitive and follow the needs of my body. I take long walks whenever I can - if I can't it's because university is a fucking full time job nobody ever recognizes and I get TIRED.
I'm fat and no amount of salad can change that. My weight stayed the same for seven years after school no matter what and how much I ate. Science is telling us that size is 90% genetics and epigenetics and diet culture is killing people.
I tried to learn how to enjoy eating and how to do it in front of other people and how to share. But now I'm having thoughts about how much I need to lose and how to do - no more weekly pizza? No more sushi? Never again? A sad sad life of counting calories and going back into massacring my body in sports the way I did when I was a teenager? Or maybe I could finally fit (haha) the criteria for bariatic surgery, so I can have exactly one slice of pizza per week and be satisfied with it for the rest of my life. Still a bit sad but fine, I guess. I wasn't meant for pleasure anyway.
I think about how people were grossed out by my body and mocked and ridiculed me and whoever looked like me. Thin was the price to pay for being free to exist, for being at least a girl/woman - not even a person, misoginy still counts, but a girl/woman. A fat girl, a fat woman, is less than that, she's scum.
I think about how the men (boys actually) I partnered with were delighted with the fact that they could hit me and be rough - I could take the pain and no serious damage was ever done. But fucking me and hitting me did not make me their girlfriend. Their reputation could be ruined, God forbid. The very first male friend who didn't actually bother about being seen in public spaces with me... well I met him at 20, exactly 20, it was my birthday.
I think about the repulsion I feel in the morning when I shower and I see and feel my naked body.
Yesterday a friend of mine, a friend of mine who says I'm beautiful, who calls me "hottie" on a regular basis, and I were drinking a cocktail. She took a picture of me for Instagram and I was OK with it. Now I think about how people might see me and feel the same repulsion. I get them.
I think about a woman my age who just died in my country because of bariatic surgery. She went under and never woke up. She was just like me, big and sturdy but healthy, happy. She had a boyfriend and friends - one friend in common with me indeed - but the job market wanted her to be skinny. So she died.
I raise my gaze and see a man, his lower abdomen so bloated it hurts to watch, slowly walking to somewhere. I don't want to blame a guy who has done nothing but exist, but... has he ever thought about his body in the same terms I think of mine? Look at his slow slow walk... entirely different from my fast and nervous pace, the one that has my acquaintances and friends screaming "where the fuck are you running please wait for us short-legged people you valkyrie", fast and nervous not only because I have places to go but mostly because I have calories to burn. Does he know that fast walking makes you healthier? He doesn't seem to know. Health for him is a non concern.
I'd deserve a healthcare system that does something for me. What I have is ineffective measures for serious problems and a useless culture that would rather have me die in an unnecessary surgery than just reconsider it's priorities. Tell that woman that it was for her health. Please, go on her grave and tell her.
I get to a bar.
"Good morning, may I have a coffee cream, please?"
My head has not stopped spinning yet.
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kittyprincessofcats · 2 years
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I am so fucking tired of fucking everything, why does finding a job take this fucking long? Why is this dumb fucking pandemic still a thing? Holy shit, can I please just slap some sense into every dumb bitch who could have been vaccinated by now but isn’t? Y’all are the reason why this hell isn’t ending for anyone else.
Germany’s in the middle of a 4th Covid wave and it’s the biggest and worst one yet, and now they’re debating another lockdown and... this could have all been over by now. Everyone can get vaccinated (exept for people who can’t for medical reasons, but you get what I mean). We have enough of the vaccine to vaccinate everyone. This could have all been over but people are dumb and would rather protest against lockdowns in the street than do that one thing that’ll protect them and and end this nightmare.
[personal stuff under the cut]
So, I’ve been desperately applying for jobs freaking everywhere in these last few weeks because I just need to get out of this house for my own mental health. And I had an interview at this food place two weeks ago. They told me I’d need a health certificate (basically, a certificate that proves I’ve been instructed on how to avoid infections when working with food). Problem was there’s only one doctor in my hometown who’s allowed to do these instructions and issue these certificates and he was super hard to get an appointment with (because Covid, duh). (And no, you’re not allowed to go to a doctor from another city, it had to be that one.) And now, two weeks later, I finally did it, got an appointment, got the certificate (that I had to pay for with my own money)... only to return to the food place and be told “Oh, actually because the Covid situation got so much worse in the last two weeks I’m not sure if we’re hiring people anymore. Can you come back on monday?”
... I wanted to scream. Like, I legit wanted to scream. Everytime I’m close to reaching my goal, the Covid situation decides to fuck it up somehow. I feel like this’ll just go on forever and I’ll never get out of here.
And now my parents know that I’ve been looking for a temporary job and it’s just... UGH. My dad is being surprisingly supportive about it all - he said it’s good that I’m doing my own thing and actively looking for a job, he even drove me to my appointment and keeps offering to help... but I’m worried he’s only offering “help” because I mentioned that I might not want to give him my new address once I have one, and he’s trying to subtly stop me from keeping that from him. I also know that as soon as I tell him the reason I’m so upset by him is that he’s still misgendering my sister, his mood will switch from supportive to angry real fast - at least it did last time.
Now if it turns out on monday that this job won’t work out, I’ll have to either look for another job in the food industry before the health certificate expires (3 months, then I’d have to do it again, which - no thanks), or I could look for a job that I know won’t get locked down if Covid gets worse. Many of the Covid test centers are looking for staff right now and I wondered if I should just apply there - I’d feel good about at least doing something to help with this pandemic situation, but at the same time working in a test center of course heightens the risk of getting Covid yourself.
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fan4196 · 3 years
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The truth
Hey everyone, here's another one. Hope you like it. Enjoy!
Big thank you again @angry-slytherin :)
-
"Hey. How are you?" Jo asks with a smile under her mask as she walks into Mer's room.
"Let's say better. Not great, but ok for someone who survived covid." Mer answers, looking tired over her own mask.
"You really scared us there. I'm happy you're better again. Your kids missed you so much." Jo nods with a toothless smile as she sits down on the chair beside the hospital bed.
"You talked to them?" Meredith asks surprised, as she watches her friend sit down.
"Yeah, I got my second shot the other day, which Link immediately used to talk me into babysitting Scout, and your kids happen to live in the same house." She says with a laugh.
"Amelia and Link really left you alone with four kids?" Mer immediately asks surprised.
"Yup. They are taking advantage of my new found love for tiny humans." She laughs, watching Meredith closely as she leaves this little hint about her intent now that Mer is fully conscious.
"Oh I heard you when you talked to me about that. You know Cristina and I used to make fun of Alex and the vagina squad back when we where interns. You really wanna join the pink scubs?" The soft tone and little smile on Mer's face calm Jo down. Knowing that Mer wasn't going to talk her out of it or judge her in any way let her nervous heart slow down.
"Yeah." Jo smiles. "I need some joy in my live and I think the vagina squad will bring me that."
"I'm happy for you, if that's what you want, even though I think that you'll miss the OR and all the cool surgeries with in a week." The older one says with a laugh.
"We'll see." Jo smiles.
It's silent in the room for a few seconds until Mer starts with a completely different topic, that Jo wasn't quite ready for.
"I think you should call Alex," the blonde breaks the silence, this time in a way more serious tone.
"What?"
"You should call him." She nods, trying to show the brunette her seriousness.
"Do you- Did Levi tell you-"
"Levi? What does Schmitt have to do with- no. I guess I have to start from the beginning." Mer starts, talking about her dreams. How she was able to see her loved once on a beach; talking to them.
"So you're telling me, that you saw people on a beach while you where sleeping? Like a dream?" Jo asks more confused than ever, not quite getting what her former mentor was trying to tell her.
"Yeah, well it felt stronger than a dream; more real than normal dreams. I was able to see people; talk to them, even touch some of them. Even before they put me on the vent I saw Derek and George." Mer tried to explain the experience she couldn't quite understand herself.
"But this time you saw Izzie?"
"Yeah and she told me that she died five years ago and that she never had kids; she never used the eggs. I know it may sound crazy and I don't expect you to believe me but what if it's true? What if Izzie's really dead? I've been near to death before, I saw Denny Duquette and that bomb guy, even my dog and mother. And they are indeed dead. So what if Alex left for whatever stupid, dump ass reason he thought was worth leaving us and is not with Izzie or his kids. Wouldn't you want to know if he left because he developed schizophrenia and didn't want to burden you with it?" Meredith asks, watching Jo closely, knowing that the Alex topic is still a really sore point for her.
"You are right. It really sounds crazy."
Jo immediately answers, defensive, putting her walls up as soon as she heard her ex-husbands name. And as quick as her mood changed she gets up and is about to leave and escape the situation she really can't be in, when something falls out of her lap coat pocket.
"Jo wait! I'm sorry- Jo!" Mer tries to scream after her, but the brunette is out of the room faster than Mer is able to hold her back.
As Meredith falls back in her pillow she sees Levi walking by.
"Schmitt! Get in here. Pick that up for me." She calls him before he's passed by.
Happy but also intimated by the big Meredith Grey he of course does what she wants and picks up the upside down white square from the floor, handing it to his superior.
"Is that yours?" He asks a little surprised as he sees that the paper turns out to be an ultrasound picture.
"No- It's Jo's." Mer answers just as surprised as the resident as she looks at it closer.
"Oh so you know? Thank god, I'm so happy that I'm not the only one anymore that knows about this. I'm actually a little concerned about her. Her morning sickness is really bad. It's more like an all day sickness and her mood swings- not fun. I bought the wrong cream cheese the other day-"
"Schmitt! Shut up! I didn't know until now." She shuts him up, looking up from the picture to throw him a look.
"Oh."
"Yeah oh. Now get me my phone, I need to make a call." She orders, holding her hand out while she's looking at the ultrasound picture again.
-
"Hello?"
"Ahm hi. Is this Alex Karevs phone?" Meredith asks confused as a female voice she never heard before greets her from the other side of the call.
"Yes, is it." The woman on Alex's phone answeres friendly. A little to friendly and casual for Mer's liking.
"Then who are you?" She tries to find out who the hell is currently speaking to her.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I heard it ringing from the kitchen and just picked it up. Alex isn't here, he's at the park with the kids-"
"That's not answering my question. Who are you?" Mer interrupts, before the female can keep going. Slowly but surely the mood of the blonde is shifting.
"Well, who are you?" The woman on Alex phone asks back, also slowly losing the friendliness she had just two minutes ago.
"Oh no, I'm not playing this game. Who are you and what are you doing on my friend's phone." Mer starts, ready to scream if this woman won't finally tell her what she wants to know.
"Good. I'm not playing this game either so-"
The woman gets interrupt mid sentence. You can hear rustling and arguing through the phone until the voice Mer wanted to hear in the first place answers.
"Hello?"
"Alex?" She asks, even though she recognized his voice right away.
"Mer?" He asks back, rather surprised, but happy.
"Where the hell are you? Who was that woman? Do you have kids? I know your not in Kansas, Alex. Izzie is dead. What the hell is going on?" She starts shooting off questions without letting him answer.
"Wow, Mer chill-"
"Chill? I'm not going to chill, asshole. You better tell me that the hell is going on-" She needs to stop mid sentence as a wave of coughing overcomes her; an aftereffect she still has from COVID.
"Mer are you ok?" Alex immediately asks concerned.
"No I'm not ok. I almost died of COVID, I was in an induced coma and could have really needed the person on my emergency contact to pick up his stupid phone, to decide what to do next when I wasn't able to." She starts calling frustrated.
"Fuck- I'm so sorry, Mer-"
"Yeah, you better be. Now answer my questions." She comes back to the original topic why she called.
"Ok- I'm not in Kansas. I'm not with Izzie, I'm with my sister, Amber and her kids. She's pregnant and her husband is trapped in Europe because of Covid. I'm helping her with the house and the kids." He starts explaining.
"But there was no Covid when you left-"
"I know. I came here because my brother- well he tried to kill himself. His schizophrenia got worse, Mer. He was not taking his medication, he- ahm he hurt several people and raped three nurses in the facility he was staying in. They put him into prision, where he tried to kill himself and now he's at the hospital where no one's allowed to visit him because of Covid. My mom couldn't handle all the paperwork without interrupting her routine and Amber is seven months pregnant and has two little kids, I didn't want her to do everything." He adds to his story, letting go a little sigh as he finishes.
"I'm sorry to hear that. But why the hell did you feel the need to leave? Why lying to us and sending those stupid letters, you could have just talked to us. We would have helped you-"
"That's the point, I don't want help. This is my family, you had enough family crap for a lifetime and Jo-"
"She would have helped you. You know damn well that she would have gone with you in a heartbeat. She married you, so it's her family too." Mer adds.
"I couldn't- She went through so much crap last year and she was just doing fine again- I couldn't bring her here, hearing that my brother raped three women- I- I couldn't do that to her. She deserves to be happy-"
"She's not, Alex. She's everything but not happy and it's your fault. You know that Jo's probably the strongest woman we know. Yes she went through a lot of crap and yes she just overcome depression, but you also know that she loved you with everything she had. This letter broke her, Alex. She's not showing it, but she's broken. She's working nonstop, even though she's-" She takes a pause before she says too much, then continues. "Abandoning her was worse than just telling her the truth, trust me."
"Even though she's what? Mer what is it? Is she ok?" Alex immediately asks, knowing that Mer's little pause and change of topic was supposed to distracte him from what she almost said.
"It's not my place to tell you, Alex. You should probably call her." Mer tries to talk her out of it, but she knows her friend way too good. When Jo's the topic Alex  wants to know everything.
"Mer, what? Tell me, damn it!"
"Alex-"
"Tell me!" He shouts, immediately sorry, but he's so frustrated right now. He has to know that Jo's fine, otherwise- he doesn't even wanna think about it.
"She's pregnant." Mer answers, regretting it the second it comes out of her mouth. It's not her place to tell him.
"What-"
"Before you say anything, I already regret telling you. It's none of my business and actually you don't deserve to know it. I'm sorry but I'm on Jo's side. When you left her, you left me too and I hate you for that. So you are not gonna call her now and scream at her for not telling you, you hear me? If she doesn't wanna tell you, she has every right for doing so, alright? You are not her husband anymore." Mer finishes, hearing the silence on the other side.
"I know." He agrees after a few seconds, before he continues. "Is it- is it mine?"
"The baby? I have no idea, Alex. I just found out an hour ago. An ultrasound picture fell out of her lab coat when she left my room, so I don't know. I heard some rumors- but nevermind." Again immediately regretting that she said too much.
"Rumors? What rumors?" He asks.
"You don't wanna know Alex-"
"Tell me!" He interrupts her again.
"She ahm- I heard rumors that she and Jackson-"
"What?" He stops her. His head is spinning and his heart immediately starts to hurt a little. Even though he knows that he has actually no right to feel like this.
"Alex, you need to calm down. She is not your wife anymore! You are the one that divorced her! I heard that they had a friend with benefits thing going but listen the baby on the ultrasound looks way to big for it to be Jackson's, ok? If you ask me it looks like five maybe six month-"
"Fuck. I left my pregnant wife-" Everything comes crushing down on Alex in that moment and he can't hold his tears back any longer. He really thought he did what was best for everyone.
"Alex are you crying?" Mer asks carefully after a few seconds listening to the silence on the phone.
"Yes I am, because I'm so fucking dumb- I abandoned the love of my life that is carrying my baby- during a freaking pandemic. She probably had the worst morning sicknesses and- god she always told me how scared she is to become a mom but that she feels safe with me by her side- and now I'm not. Fuck- I really didn't change much since our intern year, I'm still a freaking asshole."
"Alex no; you changed a lot. You became an amazing peds surgeon, you've grown so much during the years I've known you. You became an awesome person, my person and you were an amazing husband. But I have to agree, you are a little asshole. Now you hang up, you go outside take some deep breaths, throw a few things against a tree or whatever and then you man up and call Jo. She deserves the truth Alex especially when she's pregnant with your child." Meredith tries to convince him, not knowing what else to say.
"Thanks Mer." He answers quietly.
"Sure."
"I promise I'll visit you as soon as I can, ok? I'm sorry." Alex apologizes again, drying his tears with his sleeve.
"It's ok, asshole. The kids miss you." She laughs through the phone, trying to make him laugh too.
"I miss them too and I miss you. Thank you for calling Mer."
"Sure. Please promise me not to scream at Jo, ok? And please let her tell you that she's pregnant, she'll kill me if she hears that I told you."
"I promise." He answers. "Bye Mer."
"Bye."
-
After he did what Mer told him, Alex is now sitting on his sister's front porch, phone in his hand, fighting with himself, wondering if he should really call. Jo went through so much already because of him, she doesn't deserve any more pain. Maybe he should just leave her thinking that he's in Kansas. But on the other side, he could never live with the knowledge that she's having his child on her own. Sure he knows that she has a whole damn village at the hospital and they will support her, but they shouldn't. It's his child and he should be the one taking care of them, his baby and Jo.
So before he can think about it any further he's already dialing Jo's number. With his phone on his ear he stands up from the chair on Amber's front porch and starts walking circles in the front yard, while it's ringing.
"Hi this is Doctor Josephine Wilson, please leave a message."
Hearing her voice after almost five month for the first time again gives Alex chills, even though it's just her voicemail message it immediately calms him a little bit. The last thing he heard from her was her crying on his voicemail, begging him to call her. This message broke his heart into a million little peaces, but he wasn't able to answer her because he knew that he would have hopped on the next plane home in a heartbeat. But his family here needed him.
Now he's the one, getting send straight to her voicemail, which he totally understands.
"Hi. It's me, Alex. Jo, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know sorry doesn't fix anything and I understand that you probably never wanna talk to me again. But please just listen. I'm not in Kansas, I'm not with Izzie nor any twins. I'm in Iowa. I'm with Amber and her kids. She's pregnant and her husband is stuck in Europe due to Covid. I originally got here because Aaron- he- he was not taking his meds and tried to hurt himself. He's in the hospital now. I couldn't let my mom or Amber handle this, I just- I'm sorry I just left like this. I never wanted to hurt you, I just didn't want you to get wrapped into my family crap again. You didn't deserve that after you just pulled yourself out of this dark hole. I wanted to protect you, but I guess I just hurt you more- I never wanted to leave you and I sure as hell never wanted you to not be my wife. I married you because you're the most incredible woman I've ever met. I guess I never told you, but you Josephine are the strongest and most amazing woman on this planet and I never deserved you or your pure, loving heart. I'm so incredibly sorry- for everything." He takes a deep breath, wiping away the tears that started streaming down his face again as soon as he started talking. "Please call me. I love you Jo and I will never stop. I'm sorry. Bye."
-
It's been two days now since Alex left the voicemail and he still didn't get an answer.
He called Mer again but she didn't know anything about Jo either, so he guesses he really fucked it up this time and he couldn't even be mad at her. It's his own fault-
"Uncle Alex, there's someone at the door for you."
Alex got ripped out of his thoughts by his nieces little voice. He quickly smiles at the blonde little girl and gets up from the couch.
He rounds the corner of the living room and freezes as soon as he sees the visitor standing beside his sister on the front porch.
Even though he can't see her whole face, because it's covered with a purple mask, he knows that she's smiling while she's talking to Amber. Her eyes are sparkling as she takes her few from Amber and locks eyes with him.
Slowly, not knowing if everything was just a dream or if this was really happening, his feet carry him towards the front door, past Amber, pulling Jo into a tight hug. He can fell her immediately relaxing in his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck, burying her head deep in his shirt. He tries to pull her closer but the little bumb in between them won't let him.
"I'm sorry." He whispers, not making any move to let her go anytime soon.
"Shut up." She answers, which makes him laugh.
They stay like this for a few more minutes until one of Alex's hand finds his way from her hip to the bump in between them. Jo loses her grip around his neck a little without letting completely go, to look him in the eyes. She doesn't need to say anything, they both know exactly what the other one wants to say.
"I would really like to kiss you." Alex whisperes, afraid to scare her away by saying it to loud.
"Why aren't you." She smiles mischievously through her eyes, knowing exactly why he can't kiss her.
"You're wearing a mask." He answers, even though he knows she is playing with him.
"Well lucky you I'm vaccinated plus I got tested at the airport and brought this for you." She pulls a white bag out of her purse and hands it to Alex. "If it's negative you can take it off of me and kiss me." She smiles, as Alex grabs the Covid test and harshly unwraps it.
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babyhoney-28 · 3 years
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So this is me trying to type out some of the thoughts I have regarding the current stunt around Harry.
I have the feeling a lot of us are still trying to make sense of what is going on, because so much about this situation just doesn’t seem to make any sense at all. People are definitely confused and irritated and it seems like no one has really been able to make sense of it all as of yet.
What I want to start with, because it’s what’s been the hardest for me to wrap my head around, is the wedding situation. Especially the pictures showing Harry happily officiating Jeff and his wife. I don’t want to really go into the fact that holding a wedding these days, especially in a city like LA where covid cases are running over the hospitals, is extremely ignorant, inconsiderate and basically a big fuck you to everyone who is struggling because of the virus for whatever reason that may be.
I think we all felt extremely disappointed in Harry for not only attending this wedding despite the pandemic, but also officiating it. This behaviour is quite frankly very hypocritical, especially considering he put out that stay at home shirt, yet has since then not at all been acting accordingly. We all thought he knew better and would do better than this and we have every right to be upset about it.
It also was really weird to see Harry so happy next to Jeff, when most of us had the feeling, especially over the last couple of month, that Harry isn’t doing very well atm. We’ve seen the acceptance speech videos, watched the jingle balls performance and how off, exhausted and unhappy he seemed. Tbh it was and still is really concerning. We therefore have been worried and suspecting that Jeff is miss-managing Harry, trying to create an idol and image out of Harry that he himself has said multiple times he doesn’t want to be. All Harry wants to do is make music and entertain people. But here is his team, pushing him down everyone’s throat and creating fake narratives to make him more interesting, to the point where people are already getting tired of him, because they are basically creating an image for him that is just not very likeable (e.g. queerbaiter & homewrecker).
People have been quite vocal over their dislike towards Jeff, while simultaneously another part of Harry’s fandom have been aggressively defending him, those that view Jeff as Harry’s best friend (which ironically are the same people that not only shit on the other 1d boys but also on Harry’s actual familiy).
So here we were all worried about Harry, believing he was unhappy with the situation he was in because of what his team and Jeff are turning him into (which has gone as far as articles being written about it) when suddenly those pictures of Harry officiating Jeff’s wedding drop, contradicting what we were thinking, while simultaneously proving what other fans believe, that they are in fact close friends.
So this was the part that confused me the most over this whole situation. Why would Harry so happily participate in this wedding and stunt when he seemed so unhappy and had every right to be so?
Here comes the part where I might be reaching, but the more information we got about this wedding, the more sketchy and sus it became. When I first hear people suggest this whole wedding was a stunt, I thought people were reaching, but the more I think about it the more realistic I think it is. Because:
1) why was there paparazzi if this was a private wedding?
2) why did Harry bring a +1 when this was a small private wedding that took place during a pandemic. There’s really no justification for her to have been there, especially when they just started dating
3) when did this wedding take place? This weekend? In November? Because there apparently haven’t been any events at that location due to covid
4) the wedding dress situation is sus. A dress from 2018 that was most likely second hand, whatever. But the fact that it was not fitted to her at all is just very suspicious
5) They might have been married for some time according to some articles
It looks like the paparazzi were there for Harry alone, both to show that he officiated the wedding (and prove the close friendship) and be used in order to announce the relationship. The paps were called there with an intention after all, and Olivia, even if she really was Harry’s gf, had absolutely no business being there given the current circumstances and restrictions. You just don’t bring +1 to a wedding at the moment, especially not if you only just started dating them.
All of this considered, I have the feeling this entire wedding might have been faked with the function to 1) show that Harry and Jeff are close friends and 2) to announce the relationship. Faking a wedding really isn’t that hard if you think about it, all you need is a location, some people in suits and robes, a couple and a photographer. I’d say the current situation makes it even easier because everything is smaller and toned down anyways. It also isn’t that unimaginable that they would pull shit like this. Jeffs dad is allegedly worse than Simon, and we all know what Simon did to Louis. What is faking one wedding that helps dealing with two issues at once compared to baby gate? Even if said wedding took place during a pandemic (this is where I think this whole thing may have actually taken place in November when the covid situation wasn’t as bad)..
Obviously, H&O is a PR stunt. It’s so painfully obvious in fact, it’s pretty much developed into a comedy show within less than 24 hours.
Now, the question that we are all still having is why? Why pair these two, when it puts both of them in such a bad light and certainly can’t be beneficial for their careers in any way, shape or form? Why did Olivia agree to this when this compromises her professionalism? Those seem to be the main questions that people are struggling to come to find a reasonable answer for. However, if one looks back at other Hollywood scandals, this seems to fit right in there, or isn’t even half as bad as some previous scandals or gossip. Think of the Jennifer, Brad and Angelina situation or the cheating scandal around Kristen Steward for example. It’s stories like this that are eaten up by the media and the general public (especially the American audience), because it’s juicy and scandalous and something to gossip about. But in the long run, it’s probably not as career damaging as we make it out to be, since people will get tired and move on to the next drama. It will taint their reputations yes, but also bring them a lot of attention and will most likely not be as ruinous to their careers as we think.
But what could be in it for Olivia? Promo for the movie, maybe because the interest from the go wasn’t big enough yet? She might have other projects coming up that she could need the attention for.. I don’t know but she will have her reasons.
As for Harry, I think we have to admit that he has been without a stunt for much longer than we could have hoped for.. He’s been in involved in narratives just as bad before, this only earns him one more bad title (homewrecker). This stunt however certainly helps in making him even more of a household name, which is exactly what his team has been going for. Thinking further ahead, Olivia might be who future songs of his could be claimed to be about. My hope for the reason of this stunt, as it is the hope of all of us, is that something is going to change about Louis’ stunt situation soon, that baby gate might really soon come to an end and that H&O serves to prevent Larry speculation to arise.
This leaves the question of how long this stunt is going to last. It by now seems like they really are going through with this stunt, so we might have to deal with this for a while (though part of me still hopes they will pull a they are just friends and he is being there for her after her break up card)...
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forcearama · 3 years
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Guys I know nobody likes a bummer post that isn’t just garbage fluff about Obi-Wan’s hair and so to some extent I apologize in advance but really: this covid situation is extremely serious and continuing to get worse.
I know nobody likes this year. I know this all fucking sucks. I know everybody’s bored and likes seeing their friends and their grandma and getting their kids out of the house. I know everyone is salty about missing out on milestones and holidays and just doing wild and crazy things like eating inside a restaurant. If I could safely get on a plane and like, criss-cross the US on an extended vacation starting tomorrow trust that I would be GONE in an instant. But if and when you are able to do so (I know lots of people do not have any other choice in part because this country is a tire fire and THE REST OF US WHO DO HAVE A CHOICE SHOULD BE DOING THE RIGHT THING TO MAKE THINGS LESS DANGEROUS FOR THESE PEOPLE BTW), please please PLEASE stay the hell home. And for God’s sake wear a mask if you have to go out.
I know I’m probably preaching to the choir here, because you guys are a generally kind and thoughtful bunch, but this shit is fucking scary.
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geminimoonbeamx · 4 years
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And the snakes start to sing
A/N: Okay, so my anxiety since this entire Covid-19 situation came to light has been...pretty deteriorating to say the least. It’s funny(which it’s really not),The only thing I can think might help is to dig back deep into my writing. I really want to live in the fantasy worlds I can create in my head right now. So I will.
Warnings: Some angst(it is during the Marauders era), cursing, SMUT, and I feel like I should add this here- I wrote this as self therapy so this reader insert def has some specific looks and traits, if that bothers you I understand, but also I warned you so...
Summary: Sirius Black and Y/N steal a tender moment in the middle of the war. Marauders Era. Young Sirius Black(Ben Barnes) x Plus Size Reader
The way you slam your body into mine reminds me that I’m alive,
But monsters are always hungry darling- and they're only a few steps behind you.
Finding the flaw,
The Poor weld,
The place where we weren't quite stitched up right- Richard Silken
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Part l
Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.
You mull on that fact as you sit in the driver's seat of the muggle car, gripping the wheel, skin pulled tight across your knuckles. You’re shaking - vibrating from deep in your core with so much velocity that it makes your teeth chatter. Your muscles ache as you try to regain control of your body, of your breathing- the only thing keeping you from completely crumbling is the focus that you have on the road in front of you-
Even then you don't really see the asphalt, dimly lit by street lamps that seemed to be few and far between the further you drove.
All you can see is that alley.
Dark, dank and frigidly cold, the death eaters that weren't supposed to be there, but who had seemed to show up in puffs of smoke. In three’s- and then four.
Five.
Six.
You hadn’t been able to keep count.
Faster than you, James and Mad Eye could take on.
For a moment, everything had been lightning speed. Time passed fast, in a blur. Blood and screaming. Spells, violent spells that you’d never uttered before thrown left and right, by both sides.
You'd watched bright green flashes pass by like shooting stars, almost grazing you. Illuminating the corridor in razor sharp rays.
So close that you could taste them.
Death tastes acidic. Bitter. Fizzles on your tongue and sticks to the back of your throat.
You still swallow around it even now, hours later, as you drive.
You’d forgotten how much you hate muggle travel. You’d much prefer to apparate, but James is in no state. He sits beside you, slumped in the passenger seat, clutching his side and wincing at every bump. Having grown up with his pure blood parents, there's no way he could have driven anyway, didn't know how. Perfect Potter isn't capable of everything, turns out.
That's fine, you’d assured him. You needed to be able to focus on something before the very little part of your brain that was still loosely wound, unraveled.
You hadn't shared that part, but you think he knows.
The radio crackles and a muggle band plays lowly.
The car makes its way down the long winding roads in silence. Shock settling over the two of you like a heavy blanket. There’s nothing that can be said- no words that could describe the ice that still ran through your veins or that could balm what had happened.
When you hit a particularly nasty pothole, cajoling the car roughly he hisses through his clenched teeth.
“Sorry’, fuck, I’m sorry” You apologize, righting the wheel in a tight jerk to the right, pressing on the brake. “Are you okay? Still bleeding?”
He’s damn lucky that that Confringo charm hadn't caught him directly, but still. When he’d flown into that brick wall, he’d done it with a bone crunching thud. You knew a few of his ribs were broken, his skin rubbed raw and cut open.
“M’fine. Moody did what he could- stopped the bleeding. I think. It stings like a son’va bitch though” James sounds tired, gravely. Voice void of that usual mirth it carried- his chestnut skin pale, clammy. “Drive faster- hopefully Dorcas is already back”
He’s right, Dorcas has healing hands. She’d whip up an ointment, utter an incantation, and he’d be good as new. You step down on the accelerator, foot heavy and mind eager to get somewhere that feels safe, even the trees you pass by feel like they’re watching you, waiting to leap at any turn.
Would you ever feel safe again? After looking into those eyes, seeing that face-
———-
The ride takes hours,
Your mind zones to dark places,
The two of you reach the current makeshift safe house.
———
Protective charms line it heavily, Dumbledor himself had drawn them
To the naked eye, you pull up onto what looks like an old decrepit factory in a row of old decrepit factories- all concrete and broken glass windows. Gritty rust covered metal high beams and caved in ceilings, the tires crunch on the gravel out front- you can barely put the car in park before you’re overcome by a sea of red-
Red hair, soft hands. Vivid green eyes.
Lilly comes bounding out, long legs propelling her forward fast.
“Y/N!” She shrieks as you climb out, you don't blame her for how she runs to James' side of the car. He looks far worse than you do, you think. But then again you haven't seen your reflection because the glance over she gives you is horrified.
“I’m okay, just get James! Lets get him inside”  You hurry, your legs feel heavy as you meet her on the other side of the car.
It’s begun snowing again, fat flurries falling from the inky night sky, cold enough to start the shaking again. Your hands are uncoordinated paws, good for nothing and yet you help Lily, take one of James arms around your own shoulder as she takes the other, the two of you supporting him - dragging him towards the entrance.
“Gideon! Go find Dorcas!” She yells for one of the fiery headed Prewet twins who are spilling out of the building. Merlin, they look similar- she could be their kin. “Mad Eye was able to send us word about what happened in London! We’ve been waiting for you! I’ve been so scared- thank bloody God you two are even alive”
“We’re okay-“ you start, trying to calm your friend down. She seemed like she was two seconds away from blowing a fuse and well- you were one of the few who knew about her condition. You weren’t so sure complete emotional breakdowns were good for developing fetus’.
“Only because Y/N. She saved my life. She saved us all back there” James is barely conscious and defining not coherent.
You hadn’t saved, you’d killed. Innocent people included.
Lily is staring at you past James' bowed head and you can’t see her eyes.
Not when James is dragged in and whisked away by Dorcas who is already whisking something in a bowl, her braids piled atop her head and her deep eyes worried- yet sage. Calm, as she calls to you from over her shoulder. “That gash on your forehead is nasty! I’ll get to you next”
You hear them laying James down on the makeshift kitchen table and for some reason your feet are frozen in place. You can’t follow. Don’t care to see the chunk that was taken out of him back in the alley.
In the alley. In the snow; cold and frigid. Voldemort had appeared from the shadows and raised his wand high and you knew you were going to die, even though you weren’t ready to. Didn’t want to-
“Y/N” you raise your eyes-your mint and her emerald meeting somewhere in the middle. Lily’s are worried, the almond shape exaggerated.
You wonder if yours convey how far away you feel. How close you are to drifting right out of your body and floating up- somewhere quiet.
Because everything was too loud now- everyone bustling in and around you. Emaline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, Frank Longbottom- where was Marlene? And Sirius?
Had the night been as bloody and brutal for them as it had for you?
“Go” you croak at her “Go with him, Lil. Mending bones hurts like hell- I’ll just- I just need to-“
She looks torn, and you imagine she is. Her best friend is quite obviously on the verge of a panic attack and her fiancé is bleeding out on the kitchen table.
“Go” you insist once more, squeezing her forearm through her maroon cardigan, trying to encourage her.
You don’t inculpate her for James taking precedence, she all but peels herself away from your side to go sit next to him, to grasp at his hand as Dorcas covers his wounds in dittany and he grunts loud and pained.
You stumble backwards, not wanting to see anymore blood for the moment.
Maybe ever.
No, focus.
You force your brain not to check out yet as you limp back into the open space that seems to be slowly but surely filling up with other members of The Order.
People talk over each other and it's hard to get anyone to answer your questions.
When Remus, Shacklebolt and Peter walk into the fort, all looking disheveled but uninjured- you finally start getting somewhere.
Peter’s speech is fast and broken and nervous- you keep telling him to slow down. You can't manage to understand what he's saying.
“Fuck, Peter! Merlin just shut up- shut up for two seconds. Remus, what happened?”
Edgar Bones and his family were killed, but everyone else was still intact- just scattered. Trying to find their  way back home, back to headquarters or any local safe house.
You gape at Remus, as he tells you the news. His voice is sturdy even though he looks like he might keel over at any moment, which is why you’d always sought him out, since you were kids. Remus was in a constant state of suffering, and yet he was nearly always the most clear headed person in the room.
His eyes though- they always did betray him. You can see it in the amber iris. The horror. The sorrow. The fear.
Edgar Bones was dead.
Edgar, and his husband, and his two children- he’d show them to you once. Opened the silver locket that was ever presently around his neck and two smiling waving dark haired cherub cheeked kids waved back from the photos inside.
Bile rises in your throat and you stare up at Remus, still just trying to process it all. His mouth is still moving and is certainly forming words, but the loud whomping in your ears keeps you from hearing them.
You’re all going to die, the thought is sharp and ragged and cuts up your brain.
“Oh”, is all you can manage. It’s a whisper, the most you can force. Remus reaches for you and you easily avoid his big scarred hand, stepping away from it before it can land on your arm.
You choose to ignore the hurt look that flashes briefly on his face.
Kingsley Shacklebolt starts listing off the known locations of other members then. Dumbledor is delivering the news to the Bones, Feniwick is held up at Hogwarts- there had been an attack in Hogsmeade. Four Muggle borns had been killed in the street. Sirius and Marlene along with Alice Longbottom have made fort at the McKinnon’s cabin, a known safe house, stuck for the moment as most are.
“Mad Eye’s gone to rally with Aberforth. I think they’re trying to track the Lestranges- that’s w-who ambushed us tonight”
By the look they give you, you know they know those aren't the only people who you’d crossed wands with.
“You know who is on the move, we heard it- he’s angry cause’ of what happened back in London. What did happen? Is James okay?” Peter questions and you really do feel bad for snapping at him, for telling him to shut up. He's just scared, for himself and for his friends.
You know how much Peter cared about James.
“He’s fine, he’s in the kitchen getting mended by Dorcas- Lily’s with him”
The rest of it, the story that everyone seems so eager to hear,  you hold back. Tight lipped, chest heavy. The stout blonde man looks like he wants to ask more, go forward, but he just nods and scurries into the kitchen.
That’s fine. James’ll relay it all to his friends, to the Order.
And everyone will know just what you did.
Your stomach rolls threateningly.
————-
Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.
First- you soar on it. It carries you through, you can’t feel pain or time as it curses through your bloodstream. But then,then, after your body’s flight or fight checks off, it makes you crash. You stumble down from the high- pain throbbing and world going molasses slow. Your stomach churns and your head pounds from the whiplash like stop.
You empty what feels like your soul into the porcelain toilet of a spare bathroom that you’d barley found before you started spewing. It’s violent, your whole body convulses with every gag, and it seems to go on for an eternity even though you can’t even remember  what and when you’d last eaten.
You choke on bile a bit before you stumble over to the sink, turning on the creaky faucet and putting your mouth right in the stream.
You’d been able to stand the questioning and the looks and the pricing for just about a half an hour before that familiar wave of anxiety that you’d managed to keep at bay overwhelmed you and sent you running.
A breakdown was very much due. You’d rather no one bare witness to it.
Not even Lily who’s threatened to plow down the door at least twice now.
When you connect eyes with yourself in the mirror you almost look away. The reflection that stares back at you is alien. The woman feels so far away- that you raise a shaky hand, touching the glass. Trying to convince yourself that it’s real.
That you’re real.
There’s blood, mostly dried, that has run into your eye from the cut in your hair line that’s really more of a sloppy open bruise and you rinse it off, scrubbing with your fingers til’ it hurts. The blood won’t come off, your hands stained red. Blood everywhere. Your blood. James blood. That Death Eater’s. Those muggles that had just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time-
Your breath goes choppy again, sobbing on air as you think about it. You just need the red to be gone, you’ll feel better once it’s gone.
In the corner of the mirror, you side eye the shower behind you.
——————
Part ll
The rooms in this place remind you of the girls dormitories back at Hogwarts.
Or maybe you just miss the girls dormitories back at Hogwarts.
You bet it’s the latter, because the only thing similar is the fact that there’s a row of beds. There’s no Lily laughing, or Marlene painting, or Mary dancing. All of those things feel so distant now, memories that you never thought to cherish but that you now hold on to with claw like ferocity.
You’d do anything to be fifteen again, cooped up in the castle on a sunny afternoon.
Instead you stand in the middle of a drafty room, your skin raw and flushed from the blistering temperature of the shower, the ends of your curly hair dripping down your back as you clutch the towel that someone (Lily) had left outside the bathroom door to your body.
You sit down on the bed where your nap sack had been dumped- the extender charm you’d put on it had been a bitch to get right, but you're grateful for it as you dig around it’s never ending contents- able to find a clean cream colored sweater and leggings.
You're shimmying the clinging black fabric up your thighs when there's a knock at the door.
You sigh. You can’t keep putting her off. You’re being a shitty friend when she’s trying to be a good one, and you know it.
“Come in, Lily. I’m dressed” You call, back to the door as you drag the towel over and through your hair, frowning at the curly untamed state, before beginning to twist it into some semblance of a bun.
“Actually, not to disappoint you but it’s just me”
The voice is deep, silken. Familiar. Distinctly masculine, and definitely not Lily’s.
You turn fast, and hopeful. Your eyes wide when they land on the tall figure that looms in the doorway.
“And I was hoping you wouldn't be dressed”
Sirius stands there, his slate eyes combing over you, a small grin tugging at the left side of his mouth. He looks a little tired- the fine lined wrinkles on the outer corner of his eyes and the bags under them both deep, pronounced. He obviously hasn't shaved since you’d last seen him, weeks ago. What had been a shadow was now dark scruff. His hair is scraped away from his face, tied in it’s usual knot at the back of his neck and he’s donning his signature worn leather jacket. He looks so familiar that it almost brings tears to your eyes. Standing there, being crude and handsome and real.
You felt so foreign in your own skin that seeing him so solid is a relief that you can't quite explain. He’s a strong boulder, a rooted tree, that you can tether yourself to.
You want to tell him that. That you didn't realize how much you needed him until that moment. You kind of hate that realization because needing Sirius Black was stupid, so stupid.
“What are you doing here?” Is what comes out instead. Wrong, you always say the wrong thing when he’s around “I thought you we’re stuck at the Cabin”
He doesn't look offended, but he does look concerned, as he closes the door behind him. “I was. I was able to slip past them though.'' He shrugs, casually, as though he hadn't risked his life leaving the McKinnon’s.
He was always so blase about everything. It drove you absolutely bonkers.
“I’m taking it you did that on four legs?”
Ever since you’d learned about Sirius, James and Peter's Animagi sized secret, everything made sense. You knew they weren't lucky enough to get away with all that shit they had back in school. Definitely not smart enough, either.
He shrugs again and you bite the inside of your cheek hard as he sits down on the bed that you had claimed for the night as your own. He's so much taller then you that even sitting in this position, the two of you are almost eye level.
“I heard what happened, I wanted to make sure you guys were okay. Plus, once my cousin got her pound of flesh she took off- left Crabbe and McNair in the forest. Fucking idiots couldn't find their own noses in a mirror. There’s no IQ test for up and coming Death Eaters, is there?”
Of course he’d heard. You can't meet his gaze- that intense stare that he’s been giving you since he’d walked in. You don't know what to make of it, don't really know how it makes you feel.
But then again none of that was anything new. There was no label to slap onto what you and Sirius had started, onto what you felt for him. Marlene had accused the two of you being fuck buddies, but that wasnt it.
You’d have to have been friends before it for that to be accurate, which you weren't.
You weren't even sure that you were friends now.
All you knew is that you were glad to see him, even if that happiness was laced with confusion.
“I suppose not. Your cousin isn't the brightest bulb either. She’s just cunty enough to be through most of the time” You’ve always despised Bellatrix Black- ah, no, she’s a Lestrange now isn't she? Figures she’d marry one of those fucked up inbred brothers. Trash congregates with trash.
“True. She always was committed to being cruel”
“She needs lend some of that commitment to brushing her hair regularly”
Sirius snorts, shaking his head a bit. You’re good, so fucking good at deflecting “You know Dorcas is still looking for you. She wants to check out your head”
“It’s a shallow cut, I’m fine” sounds hollow even to your ears and his small scoff is honestly what you would've given him if the roles were reversed. “I am” you start stronger, trying, really trying “I’m just...tired. I’m rubbish at combative spells- I know you remember me in D.A.D.A. I could barely pass my Newt. It took a lot out of me, is all”
Sirius lets you ramble, which is a nicety for him because you can see that he’s fighting himself from cutting you off. Sirius doesn't take bullshit, can't stomach it.
“You went head to head with Voldemort tonight and you’re trying to tell me that you’re ‘rubbish at combative’ spells? What the fuck, Y/N?” He says bluntly, grabbing you by your wrists as you try to back away, holding you steady, not letting you run away. “It’s just me. Talk to me”
The vulnerability you feel in that moment is only just weighed out by your stubbornness as you stare right back at him, teeth clenched, unwilling to break that eye contact. He was calling you out, almost challenging you.
“What do you mean what the fuck? You what the fuck, Sirius! I don’t know what you want me to say-” You’re defensive, your hackles are raised and your voice is razor sharp.
“What happened?”
“Oh, bugger off. Don't act like you didn't talk to James before you came up here. You know exactly what happened”
“I want you to tell me what happened- no, don't look at me like that. I’m not the others, I’m not- I’ve told you everything. All the ugly that I’ve seen, that I’ve done. I would never judge you, and what you were forced to do tonight? That’s not something that anyone is going to judge you on” His voice is too soft, it doesn't match the strong grip of his long fingers around your wrist.
Doesn’t match the rough way he usually fucks you or the lukewarm looks he gives you when the two of you are in public.
You tug on his hold, if only to make sure he won't let go.
He doesn't.
Tethered, your brain again supplies that word for the feeling of security he gives you.
“I killed three people tonight, I think. I don't know- it was all so fast, everything happened so fast. We were just supposed to be gaining intel, you know? And then out of nowhere they were swarming us, Sirius. Blocking is in. James got hit right before Voldemort apparated in and I- I knew we were going to die. So I- I just blew everything up” Tears are rolling down your face as you recount the events. You don't know how to describe to him how cold it was, how scared you were. You’d never experienced fear like that “I didn't have control of that spell, I’d read about it, but I had no idea that it was going to…”
The fucked up part is that you knew it might. You knew that it could incinerate everyone and everything. Including you and James and Moody. But in that moment...that desperation you felt out weighed it all.
“Hey, hey look at me- we’ve all been there. You did what you had to do. You dont think we all throw out spells that we have no fucking idea how to use In the heat of the moment?” You didn't realize that you’d said that last part aloud, but confessing to Sirius had gotten all too easy these last few months.
He made your lips loose, lowered all your inhibitions without your permission. You hated him for it. Craved him every moment that he wasn't around for it.
This war was turning you to stone. Cold and rigid, but You didn't feel like you had to be marble hard when he was around.
“I could've killed us all. I killed those muggles- fuck. They didn't know- they didn't do anything” You’re sobbing again, soft underbelly exposed. He could gut you right now if he wanted to. “They were innocent”
“Shh, C’mere” He pulls you in between his spread legs, lets go of your wrists in order to envelope you in his gangly arms, to squeeze at your thick waist and shoulders as he holds you. “You didn't kill them, Y/N. James said it was the counter curse that Voldemort used that hit them- think about the positioning. They were on the same side of the alley that you were- crossing that street, they got hit with a curse that was meant for you”
You shake your head, burying your face in the soft thin skin of his neck because he’s wrong. You know he is. James was out of it, pain clouding his senses. You knew what you did.
Sirius doesn't argue it further, just lets you cling to him. Allows your cries, ugly and snotty, to shake you both.
He lets you get it all out- until you're hiccuping on the last of your tears. You're completely slumped against him, pretty much sitting in his lap as he supports all of your weight. You’d be more self conscious in that moment if you had any energy left to be.
“It was so horrible. There were...pieces of people. Everywhere” You shudder because you can still see it. Like you're still there.
Sirius’ arms tighten at that, squeezing you to him for a minute. A hug within a hug,
“There are casualties in war...it sounds fucked up, and it doesn't make any of what happened tonight better, but it is what it is”
He’s not nice, not really. He gives you the hard truth that you don't want to swallow. They aren't the pretty words that you want, but they are what you need.
War is ugly, and up until tonight, you’d been willingly ignorant to that fact. You’d heard the horror stories of what Voldemort and the death eaters had done, and were doing, but you'd never experienced any of it first hand.
Seeing changed everything.
No one, from either side would come out of this clean. Everyone and everything would be blood stained, tainted.
It’s a heavy realization, that the world you were fight for would never be the same.
You pull away from Sirius then, grabbing his hand and losing your fingers with yours when he goes to grab, to keep you close. He watches, dark brows pulled together, as you lie down on the lumpy old bed, head resting on the singular flat pillow.
“Lay with me? Please?” You give his hand a tug, tac on that pretty please at the end.
Like it’s necessary.
Like he wasn't planning on staying since the moment he’d walked through that door- you could have thrown a fit. Hit him, hexed him, and he still wouldn't have left you. “I’m so tired”
He stands from the bed and you make a small hurt little sound.
“I’m not going anywhere, hush” He smiles, canine grin and crinkled nose as he sheds his leather jacket, combat boots and scratchy dark jeans coming off next, leaving him in a long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of threadbare black boxers that had seen better days and definitely were sporting a hole or two.
“Lumos Nox” with a flick of his wand, the lights in the room go out.
The bed really wasn't big enough for two people, but you made due. Sirius all but laid his entire long lean body on top of yours, acting as a sort of human blanket.
“Oof, bloody hell, Sirius!” you tease, squirming under him for a minute but loving every inch of him pressed down on top of you. You felt secure, safe. So different then you had in the car when you’d wondered if you’d ever feel this way again. You twine your arms around him, giving him the room to nuzzle his face into your bosom, nosing at the soft fabric of your sweater as your fingers bury themselves in his thick onyx hair.
He’s all but purring as you scrape your nails against his scalp. He’s not really a big scary dog at all, no. He’s more pussycat than anything.
The silence is peaceful, his head rests on your chest and everything smells like him. Sandalwood and cigarette smoke, and something sweet that you could never quite put your finger on. Dark and sensual and overwhelming. It always sticks to your clothes, after nights like this. You know you'll smell him in your hair for days.
Sometimes it’s still mind boggling that this is where the two of you had ended up. That you got to have him like this. You remember the days that you would pine for him, years one through four at Hogwarts had been hard on your fragile little heart. Too young to fully understand that boys like Sirius didn't look twice at girls like you.
And he hadn't.
The girls he dated, and Merlin was there a slew of them, had been beautiful in a way that you just...weren't. You’d never have a thin nose or mile long legs. And so you dropped the torch you carried for him, let the flame die out until all that was left were low simmering, angry, embers. Because fuck Sirius Black for not wanting you.
Even now, you wonder if he really does.
Want you.
Yes, the two of you had shown each other your bleeding hearts, had let each other see the dark, odd, ugly puzzle pieces that didn't quite fit into the persona’s you publicly displayed...but you wonder all the time if it wasn't just...trauma bonding.
Clinging to the only available warmth during a blizzard, trying to find someone to weather the storm with.
Without this war, without the two of you being forced together by the horrible things that were being done, that you were doing, would there even be anything there? The two of you weren't James and Lily, weren't destined to be together, to get married and live happily ever after. Your love, if that's what it was at all, wouldn't survive the war like theirs would.
“Your going to hurt yourself” Sirius’ words are muffled as he speaks them into your sweater.
“Huh?”
“You’re thinking too hard. I can practically hear the muscles straining in your brain Y/L/N” You tug on his locks at his statement, lightly enough to not cause pain- even though you knew now that he liked that.
“It’s nothing” you insist.
The last 24 hours has been hard enough, you aren’t about to fuck them up further by questioning feelings, stirring up the inevitable end of this...thing.
“”It’s something” he’s an insistent pushy tosser.
“I’m just wondering why you came back tonight, is all” you try to keep a casual cadence to your tone, but still.
Sirius props his chin on your chest. The room is dark enough that you can’t see him, but you can feel him studying you “When I heard about what happened and then found out that it was you and James that’d been there...I knew I had to find a way to get here. The two of you-“
There’s a long gap of silence. You wonder if he can hear your heartbeat hummingbird fast in your chest as you wait for him to continue.
“- Are my best friends. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you. And then I hear that I almost lost both of you at the same time? It was fucked. I don’t know what I would’ve done if...I’d things would’ve gone differently”
You know this is hard for him.
Sirius is just about the most emotional person you’ve ever met- he feels everything so intensely, it’s alarming really. And yet he can’t ever voice those feelings in a way that’s not screaming or drunken declarations.
His parents had really done a number on him.
“We’re friends?” Your question might sound stupid, but really, you were curious. You never thought he wanted you as a friend.
“Blimey, Y/N, are you serious?” He sits up even further, voice laced with disbelief as he rests his elbows on either side of your head, his face hovering above yours now.
“I’m just asking! I never knew, and you’ve never said. Don’t be a dickhead about it” Is your barbed reply.
He lets out a barking laugh and you can’t tell if he’s annoyed or amused. Probably some mixture of the two.
“I told you about my father breaking my fingers when I refused to learn the piano” He sounds...guarded. You hate it, that you caused that. His guard to go back up. You should’ve kept your big mouth shut. Your right hand planes up and across his biceps. Resting on his shoulder.
“I know. I’m sorry”
“Don’t be sorry, just know that I would never tell that to someone that I didn’t consider a friend. That I didn’t care about”
See? Emotional. So emotional. It’s like it bubbles up within him, always threatening to overflow. You could never guess when the next outburst would be.
“Well that’s good, I guess I consider you a friend too. I never did before, when we were kids, but now I don’t know what I would do...without your friendship”
Friendship is a deceitful word, a mask of something else that was far too big for either of you to attempt to tackle.
“I don’t know what I’d do without your friendship either. I never want to find out. I really did lose it a bit when I heard about what you did. Ask Marlene. She said I was overreacting”
This is a confession- it’s I love you without the strings. It’s I need you without the commitment.
It’s not fair, to either of you and it’s messy and doomed.
But it’s beautiful, all the same.
“I bet you were” you give a watery chuckle, and he presses his forehead to yours, nudging your nose with his.
“Maybe just a bit, but if we would’ve lost you tonight, I would’ve-“ he breathes deep through his nose “I don’t know what I would’ve done. Hunted them all down, probably”
It’s hot, no, physically hot. You’re burning up, his words striking a match and lighting an inferno inside of you that’d laid dormant for years.
“You can’t leave me anytime soon, got it Y/L/N?” His mouth is less than an inch away from yours, his words feel feathery against your parted lips.
“Mmhmm, I’ve got it” you're breathless already, on the verge of whining and Sirius is just a man, only human. How is that not supposed to drive him mad
“Good” he grunts out fast, before slamming his mouth to yours. He’s not slow like he’d like to be, like he knows you deserve. His kisses are hungry and wet and consuming and you just part those pretty lips and whimper into his mouth, begging him to keep going. To keep taking, so he does. Bracketing his hands on either side of your face, using it as leverage to fuck his tongue in and out of your mouth as his skin hips slot between your fatty thighs.
You pant into each other's mouths as tongues explore the places behind teeth, and Sirius hips find a rhythm that matches his tongue.
“Fuck” you pull away with a gasp and Sirius just drags his spit wet mouth down, across your chin, down your neck. When he sucks an earlobe between his teeth you mewl, legs coming up, your feet propped against the back of his thighs as you pull him closer, nestling him even deeper into the center of your thighs.
He very much likes being between your legs, as he’s told you that very fact before.
It’s warm and you’re plush and soft all over, his fingers dig into the meat of your thighs, hips, belly as yours muse his hair, slipping the elastic out so that the tendrils fall freely, long enough now to curtain the two of you, brushing against your cheekbones.
It’s needier than it’s ever been, and when Sirius tugs off your sweater impatiently he literally groans as his hands map out your bare skin touching all the places that usually make you flinch. Rolls and stretch marks- it’s like he needs to feel everything. When he cups your large breasts, one in each palm you full body shiver. He paws at them, thumbing your nipples until they pebble under his touch, before his mouth takes over.
His tongue swirls around the hard buds sloppily. Too much spit, less teeth that usually are biting and sharp. He’s suckling, all over, marking you up, taking his time.
“Sirius, please” your whines are high in your throat and almost pitiful as you fist his hair. He hushes you gently, suckling turning to open mouthed kisses, before he pulls away, stripping his shirt off, in one elegant sweep.
His torso, long and lean- yet toned and sturdy is on display then and honestly you kind of want to turn the lights back on just to look at him for a while.
Usually, Sirius loves to tease. To draw things out at an almost painful pace. It’s maddening. But not tonight.
No, he’s helping you peel your leggings off your curvy calves, then stripping himself of his boxers quickly.
Things are different- somethings shifted. Everything feels all consuming, passionate, both of you are gulping for air as you rut against each other, rubbing and writing. Trying to press as much bare skin together as possible.
He presses two fingers inside of your wet cunt as he rubs his scruff against the sensitive skin of your neck and you keen, high and loud.
Instead of shushing you, he reaches blindly and clumsily for his wand. “Muffilato”
He really is a great multitasker- he manages to cast the silencing charm as he crooks his fingers inside of you, padding at your g spot and making you wail brokenly.
“That’s it, pretty. You can be as loud as you want, go on love” he coos in your ear and holy shit sex with Sirius has been good since it’s inception- but this is something else.
Maybe it’s because of what you’d experienced earlier- all of those negative emotions being combated by all of these good ones but fuck. It felt so good.  
He fucks you with his fingers, two and then three and you’re sobbing even before he kisses down your body. Lips scorching and brandishing. When his hot wet tongue slithers between your lips, zeroing in on your clit you’re done for.
It’s embarrassing how little time it takes for your body to tense up, for you to clench around his pounding digits.
“S-s-shit- oh fuck! Sirius!” You grapple at his shoulders, yank at his hair as you convulse, lost to the orgasm that rips through your chest like a bullet.
He works you through it. With little licks, and then soothing words as he pulls his fingers out of you. Your legs fall even farther open and you feel like a well wrung out dish towel.
He’s still being so sweet, as he situates you both on your sides, spooning you from behind. He nuzzles at your still wet curls and really, you’re almost asleep at this point- but not so out of it that you’re unaware of him hard against your lower back.
“Sirius” you mumble, reaching behind you, your short chubby fingers wrapping around his cock. It’s so perfect in your hand- skin hot. Rock hard and velvet smooth.
He groans low at the contact, stills your hand with his “No, it’s okay. I just wanted to take care of you”
You frown at that, whining- and not a happy one “But I want you inside of me”
“You’re barely coherent right now- you’re gonna’ fall asleep any second” he counters back, although you can hear there’s little fight in his strained voice.
“So fuck me while I’m asleep. I want you. We can do it just like this, gonna feel so good” you’re exhausted, but you’ve never wanted anything more. You rub your ass against him, you can feel the tip at the top of your crack and he’s breathing raggedly into your hair.
“Fuck woman. You’re insane” It’s a laugh, or maybe a moan as he grabs the back of your knee, raising it, giving him access to the wet hot flesh between your thighs. He hisses as he guides himself inside of you, and you both sigh when he bottoms out.
Hells, this angle is so good. You get to be completely lazy, just laying there like a doll and taking it as he holds you close and pumps his hips.
The room is filled with wet slapping and breathless panting.
There’s no way you can come again so soon, you’d never been one of those multiple orgasm kind of girls- Sirius gives a strong thrust, the tip of his cock brushing your cervix and sending shockwaves down your tailbone.
Your nails dig into his forearm as you gasp. You’re totally going to come again. Everything is hypersensitive, molten fire, pleasure so bright it’s almost pain as you hold onto him.
“God- you feel so bloody amazing” Sirius’ mouth is right at your ear, you can hear how close he is, that stutter in his breathing “I’m not gonna last- I can’t- fuck. It’s too good”
“Come inside me. Please. I want- fuck I want you closer. Never want you to stop. Want you like this forever, Please” It’s your own words that tip you over the edge for the second time. Thinking about Sirius being close like this, forever. You want him, balls deep inside of you for the rest of your life. You’d never really had an orgasm that was completely internal, your neglected clit not responsible for the tightening of your walls, for the screech that leaves your throat.
Sirius curses, chokes on a loud moan, and then stills inside you. Grabbing you, holding you still as he buries himself to the hilt and empties himself in hot spirits into your womb.
He feels shaky and uncoordinated as he tries to regather himself. Merlins fucking beard- he’d never come that hard. Ever. He swears he’s still feeling the shock waves minutes later when he’s finally able to move.
He breathes in through his teeth and you let out a squeaky mewl as he pulls out.
“Sorry, I’m sorry” he kisses your shoulder soothingly.
Never want you to stop
The words that you’d spoke in the throws of your pleasure ring in his head as he manages to locate that towel you’d used earlier and clean both of you off. It’s half assed and you’d both certainly need to shower before you but back on clothes but at least he’d tried.
“You still awake?” He whispers to you because you’ve gone so still, your body loose and your breathing even.
You make a noncommittal sound, half of an ‘mmhmm’ and he chuckles, managing to get the blanket up and around the both of you before curling himself back around your body.
He’ll let you have the only pillow, that’s fine. You’re so plush and soft anyway. One big pillow, really. More comfortable than the expensive peacock feathers his mom used to fawn over when he was little.
You’re out like a light, and yet Sirius’ mind is going a mile a minute.
I want you closer
You’d almost died, less then twelve hours ago. James has told him how close it had been for both of you. How narrowly you’d escaped death's grasp.
Sirius presses his face onto your back, off centered from the nape of your neck. You smell like your shampoo here- blackberries and sweet lavender.
He had ran, lungs heaving and paws aching through the woods around the McKinnon Cabin. Desperation fueling him. He’d been so scared. The moment he’d been out of sight, he’d appirated to this safe house. He’d only been here once and could barely conjure the image in his head, but he’d still done it.
He could’ve gotten caught, he could’ve been splinched.
Even now, he doesn’t care.
He can pretend that it was out of concern for his best friend, and yeah a big part of it was. James was his brother. The only family he had left and seeing him to make sure he was safe and okay was important to Sirius…
But in the dark, with his arms wrapped around you and the smell of you all over him, he can admit that he’d snapped in a way that he never had before. When he’d heard that you’d been the one to lift your wand and fight, that Voldemort had thrown curses directly at you…
He was terrified.
Not much scared him these days- and that was the sad truth. He was brave to the point of recklessness, he’d always prided himself on that fact.
But the idea of losing you? That he was scared of.
Want you like this forever.
Please.
Another thing that Sirius Black was scared of? The fact that he wanted you forever, too. He wasn’t made for love, not the kind that he knew you wanted. Not the kind that he watched his friends partake in.
He’d let you down eventually, he knew it, and with as smart as you were, he knew you knew it too.
But not tonight.
Tonight he’d hold you, breathe you in, and pretend that there wasn’t a war waging in the world outside.
————
Many years later, while he lay on the dirty stone floor of his Azkaban cell- he stares wordlessly at the ceiling and remembers how you smelled of lavender and blackberries. How you’d giggled like sunshine and fought like hell.
And he remembers, most, how much he loved you. 
Alright guys! Thank you for taking the time to read this massive one shot! I hope you enjoyed it. As always I ask that you comment, and reblog if its possible. Love you all!
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@peacefulwriter88 @jalapenobarnes @jaamesbbarnes @gifsbysimplysonia @brieannakeogh @allaboardthereadingrailroad @all-about-sirius @spidey-babe-parker @propertyofpoeandbucky @hufflepuff-always-and-forever @autirobo @louisianaspell @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @hufflepuffing-all-day-long @threeminutesoflife @writeturnlove @benbarnesescape
Well, that was painful lol. I’ve been feeling really angsty with everything that’s been going on in the world- so I decided to lean into it. I will be writing some fluff pieces soon too, to cope with this quarantining, so keep an eye out.
Okay so we all have the time I thought I’d write a kind of long author's note down here. Harry Potter is my all time favorite Fandom(and fun fact, was the first fandom I ever wrote for) and I definitely don’t give it the love it deserves here on my page.
Sirius Black *chefs kiss while sobbing* That man taught me how to love. He was my first true male character love.
My Fan-Casting has always been a little different then everyone else’s, but lately I’ve really tightened up my dream cast and I love it so much so I thought I’d share(obvs, please feel free to imagine whoever you want in these roles):
Sirius Black: Okay this is probably the only casting I have that is like OG dawn of time Sirius fan cast. BEN BARNES IS SIRIUS BLACK. He always will be to me and nothing will ever change my mind. I imagine Ben with like some Harry Styles mannerisms when I write my Sirius.
James Potter: Chance Perdomo. James Potter was brown and that is that. Chance won me over as Ambrose in Sabrina. He’s so cheeky and thoughtful and arrogant and perfect.
Lily Evans(Potter): Sophie Skelton! This is actually a pretty popular cast for her which makes me so happy because Sophie is so perfect for Lily. I could never get behind the Karen Gillian wave. Sorry.
Remus Lupin: Daniel Sharman- I recently came across a post with Daniel as a young Remus and omg my life is changed for the better!
Peter Pettigrew: Okay so I feel like Peter is so hard to cast- but when I think of Rowling’s book desript of him I always come back to one actor. Jonah Hill. I feel like he would tear this part uppppp. Also he’s plus sized unlike all the other actors I always see people fc him with.
Marlene McKinnon: Okay so idk where this came from but I’ve always seen Marlene as Latina? Like always. Her fc has jumped around for me but has recently landed, hard, on Ana De Armas
Dorcas Meadows: Ashley Blaine Fearherson!!! Dorcas is cannonly black which I fucking love because she was so bad ass that Voldemort’s bitch ass had to go take her out himself. A queen. She’s always been a fave of mine
Alice Longbottom: Florence Pugh! She didn’t make much of an appearance in this particular one shot but I love her!
Frank Longbottom: So I know Nevilles like really white in the movies, but I’ve never been able to get over Diego Luna as Frank. Sweet sunshine man.
279 notes · View notes
raiseyourcups · 3 years
Text
Cabur
Chapter Twenty-One
Pairing: Din Djarin x OFC (Aili Verdella) Warnings: cursing, talk of torture, blood, injury Word Count: 4.3k Also on AO3
Masterlist//Main Masterlist
Summary: They're stuck in a cantina, Kuiil isn't answering the comlink,  they don't know if Little Green is even safe and there's a Moff with a whole squadron of Troopers with their blasters pointing at them. How the hell are they going to make it out of this one?
Note: Sorry for posting so late, I lost two hours of working on this running around trying to get a Covid test (which I’m hoping I’m just over-reacting about my allergies)
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“Is there another way out?” Cara asked after finally getting tired of the standoff that they were stuck in. After the man had finished speaking he proceeded to just stand there. Waiting. Presumably for whichever troopers he had sent after the kid to get back either empty handed or with his prize. 
Aili was stupidly holding onto a small amount of hope that Kuiil had dropped his comlink and was waiting on the Crest. She knew he wasn't though. But keeping that small bit of hope was the only thing stopping her from taking the risk of outright attacking the Imps holding them hostage. That and their lack of decent weapons. She could only do so much against an entire squadron of Storm Troopers and a team of Death Troopers under the command of a Moff.
“No, that’s it,” Karga said, pointing out the open window with his blaster. 
Aili paused for half a second, tilting her head to the side and wondering how she could be so stupid to forget, before she tapped on Mando’s chest piece to get his attention. When he glanced down at her she pointed to the ground with her blaster. She hoped he got her meaning because it was technically his secret to tell if Karga didn’t already know about it. 
His helmet cocked to the side before he looked over at where Karga was. “What about the sewers?”
“Sewers?” Karga questioned, wondering why Mando would want to know about the sewers of all things at the moment. 
“The Mandalorians have a Covert down in the sewers. If we can get down there, they can help us escape,” Mando explained as quickly as he could. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it before now and he wasn’t going to dwell on the fact that it had taken Aili to remind him. 
“Not only that but if we can get down there that means access to a ship if we can’t get to the Crest by foot,” Aili added. She was weighing all of their options now. If they got down to the Covert, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to leave any of the girls behind this time. Not with a Moff breathing down their necks. 
In fact she knew that if they went down there, everyone would have to leave or fight. No matter what there would be losses, she just hoped it would be more troopers than Mandalorians. If anyone hated the Empire more than she did, it was Mandalorians. 
From across the way, Cara nodded her head in agreement, “I like that plan, sewers and another ship are good.”
“Checking for access points,” Mando said, bringing up his arm to set his t-visor to scan the building they were stuck in. Logically there had to be an access point somewhere in a cantina but even Aili knew that Nevarro was weird. She had long since given up on trying to understand how anything was set up in town. 
“What the hell are they even waiting for?” Cara questioned, checking back out the window once more to see if anyone had so much as moved a foot out of place. Not that she wanted them to attack now that they had an almost way out but she was surprised that they hadn’t taken them out yet. 
Aili leaned around Mando, keeping out of his line of sight (not that it was hard to do since she was so much shorter than him) and watched as several troopers came back carrying parts of a weapon. “Oh fuck me,” she said, louder than she meant to as she turned back around. 
“I’ll second that because they’re setting up an E-Web,” Cara said, letting the back of her head lightly hit the wall she was hiding behind. They were really screwed now if Mando couldn’t find a way into the sewers. 
“It’s over,” Karga said bluntly. 
Mando ignored them all as best as he could, still scanning the room for a way out. He barely stopped himself from releasing an audible sigh of relief when he finally found one. “I found a vent.”
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Cara said, relief in her voice for the first time but it was still clouded by tension. 
“I don’t want to be here when they get that thing put together,” Aili added. 
Mando and Cara were quick to run to the back of the room, tossing aside the chairs that were covering the vent. Aili kept looking back at them before checking the progress on the E-Web set up. They were quickly running out of time. What storm troopers lacked in aiming, they apparently made up for in setting up guns. 
“Not to rush you two but…” Aili trailed off,
“It’s assembled! How long is that going to take you?” Karga finished what Aili was saying. 
“Blow it,” Cara said, stepping back to give Mando room. 
“I’m out of charges,” Mando replied, wincing from behind his helmet knowing that wasn’t the answer anyone was going to want to hear. Least of all...
Aili spun around to glare at the back of Mando’s helmet. “What do you mean you’re out of charges?” She couldn’t believe he would even be stupid enough to walk into an obvious trap without every weapon he always had on him. She knew she didn’t bring much either but she wasn’t the one who was usually a walking armory. 
Cara picked up the blaster rifle she had taken from the weapons locker, “Move out of the way!” 
That was the only warning she gave Mando before she started shooting at the vent in an attempt to get it open. Aili winced at the sound knowing that they’d be able to hear it from outside. 
“Your astute panic suggests that you understand your situation. I would prefer to avoid any further violence and encourage a moment of consideration,” the Moff spoke again as soon as Cara stopped shooting. Her attempt to kick the vent in was unsuccessful as it didn’t even move an inch. 
“Members of my escort have completed assembly of an E-Web heavy repeating blaster. If you are unfamiliar with this weapon,” He paused for half a second before continuing, his tone somehow more smug than it already was. “I am sure that Republican Shock Trooper Carasynthia Dune of Alderaan will advise you that she has witnessed many of her ranks vaporized mid-descent facing the predecessor of this particular model.”
Cara turned at the sound of her full name, eyes narrowed as she wondered how this man that she had never met before knew exactly who she was. 
“Maybe Aili Verdella, formerly AL-1284, Dragon Leader of the Krayt Dragon Program recalls using weapons of this sort on multiple planets against innumerable Rebels and Rebel sympathizers. The New Republic would be very interested in knowing your current location but I think you know where you really belong.”
“That’s not gonna happen any time soon.” AIli muttered to herself and although she would deny it if anyone asked, her heart was beating a little faster. From anger or fright, she wasn’t sure at the moment. She had expected Imps but she hadn’t expected a Moff. This was more than any of them had bargained for. 
But now she was even more determined to keep Little Green out of the Empire's grasp. Nothing a Moff could want with him could be good and she'd rather die than let them have another child. He could bring up as much of her past as he wanted but if he thought that was going to shake her, he was sorely mistaken. He was just making her more pissed off. 
“Or perhaps the decommissioned Mandalorian hunter, Din Djarin, has heard the songs of the Siege of Mandalore, when gunships fitted with similar ordnance laid waste to fields of Mandalorian recruits in The Night of a Thousand Tears.”
Mando had turned to stare out the window when he heard his name, a name that no one should know, spoken for the first time since he had taken the Creed. He was beginning to understand who they were up against and it was worse than he thought. He avoided looking towards where Aili was, unsure what he would see on her face. He missed the way the hard look in her eyes softened for a moment before she turned back around to glare out the window. 
“I advise disgraced Magistrate Greef Karga to search the wisdom of his years and urge you to lay down your arms and come outside. The structure you are trapped in will be razed in short order and your storied lives will come to an unceremonious end.”
“Does this guy actually hear himself speak?” Aili questioned, not expecting an answer from anyone. She figured that if she was still a little taken aback by this man knowing her old designation in the Program, Mando and Cara were probably a little more than shaken up. Mando more than Cara. She was angry on his behalf, because now everyone knew his name and he hadn’t even freely given it. 
“What do you propose?” Karga shouted out. 
“Reasonable negotiation.” 
Even the way he said that almost made a chill run down Aili’s spine. She didn’t want to find out how negotiations would go with the Moff. If only because she already knew the answer and she didn’t like it. 
“What assurance do you offer?” Karga tried again to get a decent answer. 
“If you’re asking if you can trust me, you cannot. Just as you betrayed our business arrangement, I would gladly break any promise and watch you die at my hand.” The Moff said and finally for the first time, they could hear the sadistic nature in his voice. The one that every high-ranking officer in the Empire had. 
“The assurance I give is this: I will act in my own self-interest which at this time involves your cooperation and benefit. I will give you until nightfall and then I will have the E-Web cannon open fire.” And then he turned around and walked away with the Death Troopers following behind him. The rest of the Storm Troopers stayed exactly where they were, including the ones waiting to man the E-Web. 
“I say we hear him out,” Karga said as he turned to look at Mando and Cara who were still standing in by the vent. 
“Are you crazy or just stupid?” Aili asked before she could stop herself. She had heard a lot of stupid things from people recently but this one was the dumbest. Negotiating with a Moff? That would never go their way even if he made it seem like it would.
“The minute we open that door, we’re dead,” Cara added knowing that negotiations weren’t even really an option. She moved from where she was standing, keeping her head low just in case any of the troopers outside decided to be dumb and shoot at them. 
“We’re dead if we don’t. At least out there we’ve got a shot,” Karga tried to argue, not knowing that everyone else had already made up their minds. 
“That’s easy for you to say. I’m a Rebel Shock Trooper, they’ll upload me to a mind flayer,’ Cara argued, kneeling down beside one of the dead troopers and stripping him of his weapons before moving on to the next one. It wasn’t much but it was more than they had come in with. 
“Those aren’t real, just wartime propaganda,” Karga dismissed her worry easily. He had heard all of the propaganda during the war, none had any actual proof behind them. 
“No, those are very real,” Aili stated as she skirted around the wall to join the rest of them. Not that being further back would do much to protect her if and when they started to operate the E-Web. Nothing would help once that happened. 
“That’s not helping,” Cara stated, giving Aili a heated look. 
“Sorry, I didn’t realize that I needed to comfort anyone right now,” Aili snapped. “But none of you betrayed the Empire and stole so-called property from them. Sure, Mando broke an agreement with this guy, but I took out a whole base and ran off millions of credits worth of assets.
“I already know how these negotiations will go, he’s going to want the kid and me if only so they can fully punish me and then after they break me, they’ll have me kill for them again.”
She couldn’t go back there again. They’d make sure that she couldn’t get away this time, give her a shock collar and then probably set an interrogation droid on her. Not even to get information, just to torture her until she broke and then they would really get down to business. 
And if the interrogation droid didn’t work, they’d just keep trying every method in the book until they got what they wanted. Their Dragon Leader back and answering only to them. They’d make her hunt down anyone they wanted, probably make her bring back all the girls she helped escape first. That way they’d have a whole team to work with again. 
“That’s not going to happen,” Mando said shortly, his jaw clenched behind his helmet. He wouldn’t let negotiations end that way, not if he could help it. 
“Well then unless we can come up with some brilliant escape plan,” Aili said, throwing her arms out to the side. She didn’t see one and she didn’t like that. Didn’t like that she could only see one outcome unless they could get into the sewers without drawing attention. And before nightfall which wouldn’t take very much longer to come. 
“I’m shooting my way out of here,” Cara stated as if it would be as easy as that. 
“That'll go over well. This isn’t like Sorgan or even like the war,” Aili tried to reason with Cara. She understood the need to get out of there as quickly as possible, but shooting their way out didn’t seem possible at the moment. All of the thoughts running through her head weren’t helping her come up with a plan though. 
“What about you, Mando?” Karga turned to look at the only person who hadn’t said much about their predicament. 
“I know who he is.”
Aili let out a scoff, louder than she intentioned. “Yeah, a Moff, I think we should all know that much just from uniform alone.”
“It’s Moff Gideon.” Mando stated without any lead in. 
That caught Aili’s attention as she looked at Mando with confusion. Sure, she had known it was a Moff they were facing but she hadn’t known his name. Every “division” of the Empire had been kept away from each other, that way if one was taken down there were several more to fall back on and keep the Empire going. 
“No, Moff Gideon was executed for war crimes.” It was Cara’s turn to look at Mando like he had lost his mind. She didn’t know much but she knew Moff Gideon’s fate after the war had ended. Every Rebel did. 
“It’s him. He knew my name,” Mando said, knowing that wouldn’t make it any clearer for anybody. Except maybe Aili who knew that he was a foundling just like the four foundlings she sponsored. 
“So? What does that prove?” Karga questioned.
“I haven’t heard that name spoken since I was a child.”
“On Mandalore?” 
“I was not born on Mandalore,” Mando replied, shaking his helmet barely enough for anyone to notice. 
“But you’re a Mandalorian,” Karga said, confusion on his face and in his voice. 
“Mandalorians aren’t all from Mandalore. It’s not a race,” Aili stated, thinking of the four girls that she had brought to the Armorer and of the little Mando had revealed back on Sorgan when Omera had asked about the helmet. 
“It’s a Creed.” Mando said, thinking back to the day he had lost everything but gained everything at the same time. It wasn’t a day he particularly liked to think about. “I was a foundling. They raised me in the Fighting Corps. I was treated as one of their own and when I came of age, I was sworn to the Creed.
“The only record of my family name was in the registers of Mandalore. Moff Gideon was an ISB officer during the Purge. That’s how I know it’s him.”
“That’s how he knows who we all are,” Cara added.
“He says he needs us which means L...the Child got away safely. I was worried when Kuiil didn’t respond but if they’d captured the kid, we’d already be dead.” Even though his words said he had hope that Kuiil had made it to the Crest, Aili could hear the way his voice sounded almost...empty. Like he didn’t actually believe the words coming out of his own mouth. 
“Not necessarily,” Aili said slowly. “I know how the Empire works, remember? As much as I don’t want to even say it, he could be waiting until he has the kid physically in his hands. And once he does, he’ll kill us.”
“Once again, not helping. Hail them again,” Cara said as she walked past Aili and Mando to take over the spot where they had previously been taking cover. 
Mando raised the comlink, hoping that he was right and Aili was wrong for once. “Come in Kuiil. Kuiil? Nothing.”
“They might have jammed the link,” Cara said, desperate for something to go their way. 
Aili was about to say something when the comlink suddenly beeped and they could all hear Little Green cooing over it. But it also didn’t sound like he was on the Crest, the sound of a speeder bike beneath the coos. 
“Kuiil has been terminated,” IG-11 said from over the comlink and Aili looked up at Mando. She actually didn’t know what to think at the moment. But she knew Mando wouldn’t like that answer. 
“What did you do?” Mando ground out, fist tight around the comlink. He knew that he should’ve fought Kuiil harder against bringing the droid. 
“I am fulfilling my base function,” IG-11 replied in short manner. 
“Which is?” Mando questioned, voice still as tense as his shoulders were now. 
“To nurse and protect.”
“What the kriff is that thing talking about?” Aili asked, looking straight into Mando’s t-visor when he finally looked at her. He shook his helmet at the same time as shrugging his shoulders. He had no idea what exactly Kuiil had done when reprogramming the droid. 
Then the sound of blasters going off sounded, including the sound of ones attached to speeder bikes. Everyone looked around at each other in confusion before Cara peeked around the corner of the wall to see all of the troopers outside turn to face where the attack was coming from. There were several explosions further away from them but no one could tell where they were coming from. 
“Look!” Cara’s exclamation brought everyone’s attention to the window again. Mando and Aili quickly joined Cara while Karga took another shot of alcohol before joining them. Every trooper had now turned to face the incoming threat. 
“Is that…” Aili didn’t even get to finish her question when IG-11 jumped off the speeder bike, letting it crash into several troopers before it crashed and caused an explosion. Cara ducked down while Mando took cover behind the wall again, reaching out to pull Aili behind cover as well when she didn’t move. 
“Cover me.” Mando looked down at Aili before he made a move towards the door. Aili didn’t let him get very far, her grip on his arm tight. 
Aili looked up at Mando with a hard stare. “I’m going with you.”
“Aili, for once can you listen to me?” They didn’t have time to argue about this and yet here they were. 
“We agreed nothing would change,” Aili glared up at Mando. She knew that if she hadn’t let things change between them, he wouldn’t be second guessing her joining him out in the fight. He hadn’t cared when they were on Sorgan, or Tatooine, or even the prison job. But now suddenly she was delegated to cover fire for him?
“Aili, please.” Mando said shortly, ignoring the looks they were getting from Cara and Karga. 
Aili stared up at Mando with anger in her eyes and a growing feeling of wanting to smack him upside the head. But they didn’t really have the time to argue. “Fine,” she ground out, teeth clenched. “But we’re gonna have words when this is over.”
Cara hopped on top of the bar and started up her repeating blaster, taking out a good amount of troopers nearby. Mando made his way out the door, taking out the troopers stationed right outside easily while Aili and Karga gave him cover fire from that end. Aili didn’t mean to flinch when one of the Death Troopers shot at Mando but the blast reflected off his beskar easily even from up close. 
He shot one before another grabbed him and threw him to the ground but before the trooper could shoot him, he kicked up and Aili shot him down in the time it took Mando to get back up. From there it was easier, taking out Storm Troopers until they all saw IG-11 get shot in the legs and hit the ground, protecting the Child with its body. 
“Mando!” Aili shouted over the sound of blasters going off everywhere including her own. He turned to look at her. “The E-Web!”
He was right by it and all the troopers were too far away to get to it before him. He wasted no time in picking up the canon and taking out the troopers around them. That gave IG-11 the chance to stand back up and move towards the open cantina door where Karga and Aili were. Everything was going too smoothly and that was when there was a blast from the entrance of the cantina where Cara was. 
“Fuck,” Aili hissed out, unable to hear the sound of Cara’s rifle anymore. She was about to yell for Karga to head back inside when she heard it start up again, taking out any troopers that had made it in. By the time she looked back over towards Mando, she saw Moff Gideon raise a blaster up and without thinking she shot out at him. She hit him on the shoulder so his own shot didn’t meet its target. 
Mando still let out a surprised shout at the blaster shot hitting him from behind, bending over a little and losing his grip on the E-Web for a moment. He shook it off, picking up the canon and turning to face Moff Gideon. Before either he or Aili could even attempt to take a shot at him, he shot the box of ammunition causing an explosion bigger than the one from the speeder bike. Karga turned away from it, hitting the cantina wall while Aili took cover back inside the cantina. 
When the fire died down, she felt her heart stop for a moment when she saw Mando laying on the ground. He wasn’t even attempting to get back up. Karga started giving cover fire again for IG-11 who kept moving towards the cantina as best as it could. A quick glance into the cantina and Aili could see Cara moving towards the back. 
“Cara!” Aili shouted out for the other woman to move as fast as she could. With a quick glance towards Karga who gave her a nod, she ran out and met Cara beside Mando. Aili nodded for Cara to pick up Mando while she gave her close cover fire as they walked as fast as they could back to the cantina. IG-11 and Karga picked up the slack when Aili stopped to help Cara drag Mando into the cantina. 
As soon as Karga and IG-11 were inside the door shut behind them, cutting off Moff Gideon and his troopers. Aili and Cara laid Mando against one of the chairs that they had upturned earlier. Aili turned to Cara, “I got this, go keep watch.”
“Are you sure?”
“Not really but I can handle it.”
“This is our only path out,” Karga said to IG-11. “Can you clear it?”
The droid walked over to the vent and placed the Child down before looking down at Karga. “If you go near this child, I will have no choice but to kill you.”
“I understand, can you do anything to move the grate,” Karga replied, still keeping a lookout for any troopers. Cara joined him although she kept looking over to where Mando and Aili were every couple of seconds. 
“Yes, of course,” IG-11 said in reply to Karga’s rushed question. He sounded annoyingly calm in the way only a droid could be in this situation. He started cutting through the vent easily. 
Aili looked over Mando for any obvious wounds but didn’t see any which meant he was either bruised to hell and back beneath the armor or the beskar was hiding all of it. She looked down at him as calmly as she could, “I’m just going to check the back of your head, no removing the helmet, promise.”
She didn’t wait for his response before she did as she said, her eyes going wide the second she felt exactly what she didn’t want to feel. “Oh shit,” Aili muttered, pulling her hand away from the back of Mando’s helmet. It was covered in blood, more than it should be which meant a severe head wound. This was obviously worse than a simple concussion. Much worse. 
“It’s fine.” Mando said, looking up at Aili from behind his helmet. He was impressed by the way she was almost calmly going through the med bag she had brought. 
“No it’s not,” she said, her eyes wide as all of her senses went into overdrive. She tried to take a breath, tried to recall all of her field medical training. Head wounds had levels though and after a certain point they had been taught to cut their losses, mercy kill if necessary. But that wasn't going to happen here. Wasn’t even an option. 
She just had to figure out a way to help him. 
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dustedmagazine · 3 years
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Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines
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I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.
On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.
It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.
That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.
Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.
They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.
So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)
Greet Death — New Hell
New Hell by Greet Death
This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.
Holy Fuck — Deleter
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Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.
Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone
Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs
As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.
Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle
Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick
It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.
Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher
Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers
I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.
Other Favorites
Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II
Anastasia Minster — Father
Deftones — Ohms
Hum — Inlet
Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song
Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era
Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately
Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today
Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic
The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges
Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon
Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia
Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO
Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead
Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind
Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.
Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm
Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII
Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018
Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark
Hot Chip — LateNightTales
Ian Mathers
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sadboyx2 · 3 years
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If you somehow come across this, may you answer this question? Why is suicide so bad?
Of course I'm the one attempting suicide. Still, why? Why is not okay for an individual to make that choice for themselves. Its not like I wanted to die from the beginning even when I attempted years ago and was sent to a psychiatric ward. After that I found purpose to live and wanting to be strong ( not religion no offense...agnostic over here)
Here i am now 3 years later in the same hole again but deeper. Yeah I can blame covid but I found out deeper root to my issue that stems even further. But im not here to give you an entire story of my life. I'm here to tell you the struggle of what its like to be at the edge of my own mentality. I can't definitely say I've heard voices in my head in comparison to others but I know that there is a part of myself that has an incentive to destroy me. Sometimes he's not here and I have control. Sometimes he's whispering in my ear telling me the thing I don't want to hear. And sometimes he springs forth like a genie but it's Jafar instead.
Taunting is all I ever hear. Reminding me of what I know is a lie. The more he'll spews out that 9nonsense the more he's sound right. I feel empty inside. I have to find a chance to cry at every moment because its short and helps relieve all these compact emotions and thought in my head....and I'm itching to feel something again. It could be the anti-depressant that I feel blah. Hey at least I don't hear Jafar......nvm he's back.....must mean I need to increase my dosage. 75mg-200mg Wow... I feel wierldy high or buzz. I don't have a million thoughts running around in my head. My brain feels a little foggy but at least the dosage is working, right??
HEY HURRY THE FUCK UP. THIS AIN ROCKET SCIENCE!!! GOD GAVE YOU A BRAIN SO FUCKING USE IT!!! YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP PUSHING DONT GIVE UP. FINISH STRONG!
YES......as my body trembles responding to my manager. I remind myself that I am fighter and ill get up and keep going. Build your walls. You are a survior...you have always tried to survive.....you only push when your at the breaking moment. Dont be a bitch and puss out. Now tell your self that everyday and you'll be successful in your work.
Or maybe you are stupid. Maybe you been hit in the head too many times. I know you're a hack. Your successful here and there. They tell you've work hard and see so much in you. Pfft. I know you're a hack I've seen it. Don't bullshityourself. You are gonna do it and I'm gonna be right. Now....let's get you back into that locker...
It's dark and lonely. I can't breath. My chest feels tight like my lungs are about to cave in. Stop shaking. I can't feel anything. Stop thinking. Stop it. I'm not broken so why is this hard. Isn't it just possible I was born with mental health issue. STOP SHAKING GODDAMMIT.
If you believe that this is nonsense, that's fine. Or tired of reading. I'm only hear to speak my truth. So continue if you want. This is what it exactly sounds like at my breaking point. Prepare for caps...
I hate myself. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I HATE THIS LIFE. I HATE MY PASSION I HATE YOU IM TRYING IM TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO SAVE MYSELF. IM DESPARATE IM EXHAUSTED. IM NOT STRONG LIEK YOU STOP THE PAIN IT HURT I CANT BEAR IT ANYMORE IM GOING INSANE ILL DO ANYTHING JUST PLS PLS PLS LET ME DIE. DRUGS I NEED THEM I NEED FEEL SOMETHING LET ME GO I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF THIS YOU IF THERE IS A GOD, FATE, DESTINY, WHATEVER HIGHER BEING OUT THERE THAT PREYS ON THE MENTALLY ILL. WELL FUCK YOU ALL TOO YOU DONT CONTROL ME I DONT NEED ANY OF THIS HIT ME WITH A CAR FUCKING JUMP JUST DO IT ALREADY FIGHT YOUR INSTICTS END IT ALLL AAAAGAAGAGAGAGAAGAGAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I don't mean any of that. It's no ones fault.
I'm alright. Thanks for asking; as I put on the automatic facade that is to be my facial expression. Don't worry that ain't fake entirely. Its like muscle memory. Those two words sums up everything. But if you really wana know how I feel then just read all that above you.
Robin William. Anthony Bourdain, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicides_in_the_21st_century. You get the point. Mental health awareness rises when this happens. How many more famous ppl death will properly start actually educating ppl on how to help someone who is mentally ill. So far I get this gist of ppl helping is that they will either tell you what to do because they are mentally sane or tough skin; be a listener and provide only space; advise them to seek professional help and what to look out for, aka you just got keep finding the right therapist, you being 100th person telling me that; or throw them into the system because they just be another junkie or homeless. When i went into the system i loved having a security guard with same height guarding my door in the ER with a bright light and telling me to go to sleep. You don't know if they were like that before being homeless or not. Psychiatric wards are no joke. And then they kick you out.
Its not like all I've said is entirely wrong in how to help a person. Just not taught properly especially the fact that everyone is different. I get it too that its not a perfect system and that its complicated. It's really hard to help these ppl when there are so many out there. I might be the lucky ones. Just being open with myself and being completely honest...you know..back to screaming I'm desperate.... Those with depression should learn to take a step back or more just to look at themselves. Question yourself and be honest and even question your answer but be mindful. It's about opening thoughtful opinion not to antagonize yourself. Take certain advice with a grain of salt. Be mindful. Mental health is an on going struggle.
So I end this with letting you know I just wanted to be honest and get this off my chest. I'm tired of being afraid of saying what I really want to say when it only scares people of the truth. Plus I failed in my attempt suicide again so I had to do something. This is the inside of my world. Another being could have a completely different situation, worse; or maybe its similar. It pains me to see others like me or who are not fully aware. I just want to help them. I don't want to see people going through the same insanity and I. To know other worst than I am, it hurts. Or maybe that will be me one day.
And now I ask again. Why is suicide so bad?
#mentalhealth #fuckthesytem #mindfulness #fuckgrammar
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wrathkitty · 4 years
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JUST STAY HOME.
To those of you out there operating under the belief that social distancing is a bunch of bullshit and we are all overreacting and need to calm down and take a klonopin:
Congratulations! Congratulations for participating in the massacre of stupidity that is unfolding around us. Kudos to you for ignoring the news and thinking that just because it happened in China that it can’t happen here.
Except it is happening here. And because we didn’t have the common sense of Australia, who cracked down on this shit ASAP, what we are facing is going to get exponentially worse. Planet Earth is the only game in town right now (God knows Australia sure as hell doesn’t want us), and there are no safe havens left.
But one of the very few ways we can try to stop the situation from getting worse is to for as many of us as possible to STAY HOME.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not make the assumption others like me who are SCREAMING this message from the rooftops are a bunch of tin foil-hat Chicken-Little proselytizing doomsday preppers. I’m the kind of parent who lets her kid eat food after it’s been dropped on the fucking floor.
Now?
I am sanitizing every goddamn thing in sight. 
I have put my parents in lockdown because they are over seventy and my mom is immunocompromised. My husband and kids and I are not leaving the house for two weeks in hopes we can see them again in person – after which my mom and dad will remain in lockdown, and we will continue to practice stringent social distancing. The alternative means facing 18 months or more of what is essentially house arrest, as indicated by some projections of how long it will take for COVID-19 to be within our control.
So listen up, humanity:
No one wants your Darwin award by proxy. If you have the ability to stay home, then STAY HOME.
Stay home for the people who HAVE to go to work – our asses staying inside means it helps reduce the chances of them getting sick.
Stay home for those who are immunocompromised or in some way are medically fragile.
Stay home for the emergency responders who can’t come save us in the event they are unable to time their 14-day quarantine with when your house catches on fire.  
Stay home for the medical professionals who show up to work and willingly march into a life-threatening health hazard in order to keep us alive. 
Stay home for those who are suffering from domestic violence and now are literally trapped under the same roof as their abuser.
Stay home for the kids who rely on school lunch and breakfast to eat, or for the kids whose only safe respite is school.
Stay home because you now have a once-in-a-lifetime legit reason to not go to the gym, or Netflix and chill, 100% guilt free. Unless you’re a parent of young, curious children who are easily bored and if so, best of luck to us all.
Stay home for everyone who is self-employed, or are small business owners, or anyone whose form of income is reliant upon people showing up in person. 
Go out only for essentials, stridently demand others respect your personal space (if they’re smart, they’ll be running away from you, too), and go straight back home. And once you’re home, sanitize everything you brought in with you, including yourself.
This is not the time to go do this really cool thing with a bunch of other people because reasons and you’re so tired of being stuck indoors.
This is the time to try and bridge the gaping intellectual chasm that is our leadership, and hope that it is not too late -- not just for ourselves or our countries, but OUR PLANET. There are no Avengers around to avenge us. STAY HOME.
(Please reblog, write your own missive, whatever. Or share why you’re staying home, who are you staying home for -- or why you cannot stay home, and why it’s important those of us who are able to keep our asses inside actually STAY inside. Spread the word like it’s COVID-19.)
Edited to add friends who (I think?) may be like-minded and increase chances of more people reading this ranting PSA. Please let me know if you want me to un-tag you -- and I apologize for making assumptions! 
@mareebird @emeraldrosequartz @villainousshakespeare @devilish--doll @caffiend-queen @nildespirandum @alexakeyloveloki @realityhelixwrites @texmexdarling @toozmanykids @latent-thoughts @michellearel1
#juststayhome #stayhome #COVID-1 #socialdistancing #keepyourassindoors #introvertsunite 
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overdrivels · 4 years
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@romancedeldiablo just reminded me the entire cybersecurity/information security industry is having the greatest field days ever since this whole Covid-19 triggered a mass work from home exodus.
I have so much to say about it and all the security issues that are occurring. This mostly pertains to the US. This isn’t meant to scare anyone, they’re just food for thought and a bit of explanation about my industry.
PSA: Not all hackers are bad, just a reminder. There are very legitimate reasons for hacking such as compliance and research. When I talk about hackers here, I’m talking about the bad ones who are exploiting without permission and for malicious reasons.
The main thing about this whole working from home thing is that most organizations don’t have the infrastructure to support their entire workforce. Not every company uses Google Drive or OneDrive or DropBox.
This means that companies with on-premise servers, isolated servers or networks are screwed. Imagine trying to connect to your friend’s computer who lives on the other side of the world and controlling their mouse. Can’t do it. Gotta download something on both ends to do it. Now imagine that for 500 people at home who are trying to connect to a single server. You’d need to open that server/network up to the internet. That has its own risks because without controlling WHO can access the server, you’re basically allowing anyone (hackers especially) to go in and take all your data.
But then you ask, “Isn’t that what passwords are for?” BITCH look at your own passwords. Do you really think 500 people will have passwords strong enough to withstand a rainbow table attack or that the server won’t shit itself when receiving 500 connections from unknown locations by means of a not-often used method? Hackers only need to exploit one password (for the most part) while the company needs to ensure ALL 500 are protected. That’s difficult as all hell and if it were that easy, I wouldn’t have a job.
Then there’s shit like Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) and RADIUS servers that’ll secure the network connection so it can’t be hijacked and do authentication respectively. Here’s the problem. VPN solutions need to be downloaded on the client system (your computer). When your organization has very technically illiterate people, that becomes a nightmare. ‘Cause you have to set up their accounts on the VPN system and set the permissions for each of them so they can only access what they’re allowed to access otherwise Bob from sales now has access to the HR system with everyone’s social security numbers. It’s very time consuming and can get very complicated. Even worse is that VPNs often require licenses. When you only have 50 licenses and suddenly 500 people want access, you’re screwed. But you can always purchase more licenses, no problem. Here’s the rub. Suddenly, this VPN tunnel needs to accept connections from 500 people. This tunnel is only strong enough to accept 50 concurrent sessions. When 10x that amount get on, guess what? The tunnel shits itself and basically the company has DoS’d itself. Now no one can get any work done until IT figures out how to get 500 people on a system that’s only capable of supporting 50.
Fuck, almost forgot about RADIUS. There’s DIAMETER, too, but shut up about it. It’s an authentication system but depending on how it’s set up, you’ll have to also set up the users. That’s an extra step and it’s a pain in the ass if RADIUS somehow isn’t connected to AD and the user has different passwords and shit.
Not to mention hackers suddenly gaining access to all this information because they’ve already infected people’s home computers and routers prior to the work from home stuff. There’s very limited way for IT to control what happens on a personal computer, so these personal computers can have no anti-virus or security software. This means all data is in danger because someone decided Windows Defender is annoying. (Windows Defender is pretty great, btw.)
Physical robberies are occurring a little more because there’s no one to protect the stores and such. Physical security is taking a hell of a beating.
There’s been an increase in phishing scams around COVID-19. Unemployment sites are probably being (and probably already have been) hacked and the data is being stolen. I think there were some people who were creating fake unemployment sites to steal PII. There are e-mails going out to people saying stuff like, “Your computer has been infected with the CORONAVIRUS. Click here to clean it up.” And you’re wondering, “What sort of morons…?” Don’t. It’s very easy to give in to your panic. Hackers don’t hack computers solely. They hack into human emotion, into the psyche. Anyone can fall for their shit.
The thing with Zoom? Basically they’re so insecure, people are hacking them without issue. How? Because people are silly and put out links, chat logs are saved onto insecure machines that have already been hacked, there are a bunch of exploits available for Zoom, etc.
Healthcare organizations. Oh boy. So, we all know healthcare organizations are working their damnedest to save people suffering from COVID-19. Every second counts and any delay in that process could mean life or death. They work hard. Here’s the thing. There has always been a delicate balance between security and usability. Too secure and it’ll make it difficult for the end user to do their job. Usable without security just makes it easier for an attacker to do their job. Why am I talking about this?
Healthcare organizations usually hold sensitive information. Health information. Social security numbers. Birth dates. Addresses. Insurance information. Family member information. So much stuff. They are a beautiful target for hackers because all that shit is right there and it’s accessible. Healthcare organizations, by and large, do not put a lot of emphasis on security. That’s changing a bit, but for the most part, the don’t care about security. They do the bare minimum because guess what? Every additional control can add time to a doctor or healthcare worker’s routine. Computer lockscreen every 5 minutes? Now the doctor has to re-logon every 5 minutes. This adds about 15 seconds to their rountine. Multiply that several times over for every patient that comes in assuming a doctor will need to log in at least 3 times during a single visit. That can clock in at at least an hour throughout the day. A hour that they could’ve spent doing something else. So imagine more controls. Password needs to be reset. Need to badge in. Log into this extra program to access this file. Call IT because this thing locked them out. Each one of these normal controls now feel insanely restrictive. The ease of use isn’t there and so organizations might look at reversing these security controls, potentially making things even less secure than before in the name of efficiency.
Don’t @ me about HIPAA. I will start rants about how non-prescriptive and ineffective it is to actually get proper security implemented.
LOL @ internet service providers. Internet speeds are dropping due to the amount of traffic they’re getting. Commercial internet really wasn’t prepared for this. Those poor bastards.
Some organizations outsource their IT teams. Those people (Managed Service Providers aka MSPs) are not prepared for this nonsense. It’s popular now to go after these guys for hacking. An MSP usually works for multiple organizations. So, why try going after 50 organizations individually when you have just one organization with poor security controls managing everything from one place? You’d logically go after the one rather than 50. It’s easier.
MSPs are now overworked because they also have to work from home to connect to systems that can’t support so many people connecting to it on personal computers that the MSP can’t log into like they normally would to fix any issues. This makes them tired. What happens when you’re tired? You make more mistakes. And that’s exactly what hackers go after. Once they’re in the MSP’s system, the hacker can now potentially gain access to the 50 clients’ systems. Easy win.
Shadow IT and alternate solutions. This is another doozy. Imagine all your files and shit are on your company’s network. No one is able to access it because there isn’t any VPN or remote sharing system or FTP server set up for this stuff, but you still need to do your job. So, what do you do? Obviously, you start making stuff on your own computer using whatever you’re comfortable with. Google Drive. Dropbox. Box. Slack. That shitty PDF reader you downloaded three years ago and didn’t update.
Now imagine sharing it through things like your personal e-mail which may or may not have been hacked without your knowledge. Or maybe the recipient’s been hacked without anyone’s knowledge. Maybe your files are normally encrypted if they’re on the company network. Now you’re off of it and nothing’s encrypted. Maybe you forget it delete a file or 80 off of your system which has been infected. Or maybe you pasted shit on pastebin or github and it’s available to the public because that’s just easier. Now anyone searching can find it. This is how database dumps are found sometimes and they’re really entertaining.
Shadow IT putting in alternate solutions without the company’s knowledge is always a fucking nightmare. I get that people need to do their jobs and want to do things a certain way, but can you not be selfish and put everyone at risk because you decided your way or the high way?
That sounds awfully familiar…it feels like a situation that we’re going through right now…hey, wait a minute…
Long story short, this whole working from home thing opens up a lot of security issues. Most companies are ill-equipped to handle IT issues, let alone cybersecurity/information security/IT security issues, but because of that, we’re seeing a lot of interesting things happening. Such as finding out New Jersey’s unemployment system runs on a 60+ year old programming language.
Holy shit I can talk about this all day. I’ve definitely glossed over a lot of stuff and oversimplified it. If anyone wants me to talk about any specific topic related to this or cybersecurity or information security in general, drop an ask. I’m always, always more than happy to talk about it.
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awellboiledicicle · 4 years
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I want to clarify that i’m not surprised the world is on fire right now. 
Like, literal fire and not just... [gestures to 2020]
Because it happens every year. It gets worse, every year. Partially because of climate change--ok a lot bc of climate change--but also partially because people get used to it. 
It’s not “oh sometimes there’s a fire in summer” its “Oh it’s warm, fire season’s here. Better check if i need to wear a mask so i don’t inhale dust and have that kicking around in my veins. Woop, time to put the sprinkler on the roof because its windy as hell and there’s a fire visible. Gonna call that in real quick... now, what’s on tv?”
Like if you live in places that burn easy, or places that are becoming like that, you get used to the scratch of ash in your lungs in the morning. You get used to wiping said ash off your car because you got shit to do and unless the sherriff or local FD ring you up and say get out, you’re just gonna have to deal. Everyone who physically can leave on short notice has a fire plan, or should. Its sort of an unspoken “yeah this happens” that just... 
People are so used to hell breaking loose that they don’t tell people new to the area unless it gets brought up. And it will probably only get brought up when a burn ban happens and someone from like new york has to process that yes, your bonfire WILL spread if you don’t make a pit/don’t watch for embers, and yes you will be why someone loses their home and possibly their life. 
This is such a fact of life out here that indifference is the default. It cannot be the default. 
Even if covid19 didn’t happen, we’d still be seeing the spike in homeless and elderly people succumbing to heat stroke and smoke inhalation. Because trust me, if you live out here and haven’t thought about getting a mask for the smoke, you’re already well aware of how shitty you feel after going outside in summer. And people still don’t take THAT seriously, even when standing outside gets you a layer of ash. We’re seeing people getting dehydrated and having heatstroke because they don’t account for how godawful hot it gets, or how hard the sun hits here.  And people assume thats normal. Just because its common, we can’t let people view this as ok. 
There are always going to be people who will fight a fire to protect their family, their community. There are always brave people willing to do that, because humans generally like to not roast to death if we can help it. But there’s not always enough people where they’re needed, and if there’s a need there needs to be pay so people can feel okay taking off from work to go keep people safe. Pay periods have been getting worse over the last decade, not to mention the reliance on prison crews---which are a whole different kettle of fish labeled slavery and being blocked from later employment-- means there isn’t that security. So people stay home, so fires don’t get fought or they get fought by fewer people over longer hours. Which leads to 18 hour days in heavy gear, in situations you can very much die in, with 4 hours free to eat, sleep, and take a piss. Maybe. This leads to accidents, and general shitty working conditions, and things get even more dangerous. Sickness in the camp--because they bring together hundreds of people into a small area--is a common issue, and with covid everyone sits there for 2 weeks if they can to get paid, then track it home or they’ve tracked it from home and go down on the fireline. 
The mismanagement of not only the land in this country--and im limiting my scope here, because this is what i know--has been happening for a long time. This has been decades in the making, and its only going to get worse.
Because in real life, fire season isn’t a one and done where the heroic firefighters put down the blaze and go home. 
The fire season comes, people risk their lives for a paycheck they can’t really 100% trust will come. The burn scars are open to erosion, and if you get a lot of rain--which is common in high fire danger areas because big rain leads to rapid plant growth which then dies and leaves fuel-- you then get mudslides. Even without a lot of rain, you can get landslides because the roots of everything growing there have died. You end up with flooding because theres nothing else absorbing rainwater, so the ground gets saturated faster. Then the abundance of water means more growth that gets cut off once the water dries, which means a bumper crop of fuel. Which means worse fires. 
Unlike in a movie, or the sort of apathy induced assumption that it just happens and stops, these things compound.
I haven’t been surprised about these things for almost two decades. Part of this is because i’ve had to personally help my parents out of what they wore to a fire because they were fighting for 20 hours and physically can’t take their own boots off. I’ve watched kids while their parents were on firelines for days, sleeping in the cabs of engines because the 20 min nap where they could be back on the line sooner was better than taking the resources to leave. I’ve sheltered people in my house as we watched fire take over the nearby mountains, and had meetings on evacuation plans. 
I have the privilege of information, and therefore i have the privilege to know how much is just not possible to know without a concentrated effort to know. 
This country, and honestly the world but i don’t have that kind of reach, needs to do better in a lot of things. But one that would be painfully easy would be awareness campaigns. Send people out to thin brush and trim back tree limbs so its harder for a fire to spread through branches. Better funding for departments and a more united front on how to respond to fires. 
I just wanted to clarify, because the nature of informative posts can occasionally lead to discontent being read as a reaction to new information instead of a continued disquiet. Fancy shit aside, i know shits fucked and it hurts knowing that shits fucked. Because there are steps that could be taken but they’re not because money and also because that would mean admitting people need help and god knows people in charge don’t want to hear that. 
I’m tired and i’m positive there are legions of people much more fed up with this shit.  Stay safe and watch out for one another 
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You’ve made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.
Moments like these sometimes makes me wonder if it would really affect anyone if I was gone (well, I mean apart from my parents of course)... I fucking hate having such thoughts... Is it just my insecurities, anxiety, hormonal crap, or why do I have this feeling like I’m a backup... 
Ugh, but that’s the fucking thing - everyone has their own lives. No one’s lives revolves around yours, so I need to remind myself of this and stop stressing out when things seem to be slightly different. People might be upset with some other aspect, they might be stressed, they might be tired, they might need a break, and yes, sometimes it’s a break from you. Especially so in this period. So take this fucking time to have a good break too. 
Speaking of, very thankful that the psychiatrist I met with today gave me medical leave for tomorrow, really needed that. So for tomorrow, not gonna touch anything related to work. No emails, no whatsapp, nothing. It’s time to take a proper break to reset myself, to recharge. 
Today definitely wasn’t what I expected it to be. Had thought it would be like a normal counselling session, but I guess it was more of a get-to-know-your-situation. Also, there was a med student there too, which kinda felt a little odd and definitely held back a little on what I wanted to say, but he was nice. Mainly talked about work stress, sleep stuff, and oof, honestly my appetite just got way worse. I just survived today on a cup of tea, a can of coffee, an egg for breakfast, and then dinner. It’s amazing how I didn’t even feel hunger at all, no gastric pains, nothing. Well, there was slight hunger, then the stress kicked in again and that was gone. 
Anyhoo.. we also spoke briefly about family.. didn’t really cover relationships or friends much, the former being one I wanted to talk a bit of, considering everything. But well, either way. Next round, or when I get my session with a psychologist... which I’m honestly contemplating about. Maybe I should just return to the counselling place I went to.. 
But, was reminded about some stuff too - breathing exercises, mindfulness... He had also asked what I had hoped to achieve from this (also why I decided to seek help, why now), which was really to manage my emotions better. I mean I know we can’t always have happiness... But ufgh, the dip from happiness to currently what shit state I’m in right now, I just.. I don’t even know.  I really hope this is just an exhaustion phase plus the hormones acting up, I really can’t bear to let myself slip back into this again. ‘This’ being the darkest moments I consider in my life in 2015, which I also kinda mentioned to them. He asked if it felt worse then or now, and I said it was then.. I did hesitate in responding. I mean, it does feel pretty bad now but I think I’m more well equipped in handling it at least, and better support system overall. 
This is also another reason why I hate having those thoughts I was talking about at the start of this post. Some of my colleagues are being sweet about everything, one asking why I’m still continuing with work despite my appointment (I almost teared up yet again), and my manager encouraging me to take a break and offering to be a listening ear too, and even the other driver offering a ride (which honestly, I don’t think I could even accept considering the “rules” with covid-situation). Was still sweet though. Even the newbie that I mostly speak to about work (we’ve recently started talking a bit more) had asked, she (and I guess the VP) probably heard my choked up crying voice yesterday at the end of the meeting. So yep. 
Ufff, and other friends being concerned and sending their love. Oh, and the one person I hoped who would check in.. well, didn’t really, but we did talk for a bit and that was nice. I do think that my mood is rubbing off, or at least it feels like it is, or we just need to take a little step back. Especially myself, considering I’m getting way too attached again, and catching way too much feelings. 
But I mean... I was the one who made the decision to continue talking to him when he returned. I could have left it. I could have left it be every single time it felt like the convo was dying, but I didn’t want it to end. Despite what everyone said, I trusted my heart and feelings, I trusted him. I’m not saying I regret it, really. I knew who he was, or at least the person he shows to me. Maybe he’s not always all that concerned or caring, maybe he doesn’t really speak that much or initiate a lot at times, but I still somehow fell for him. 
I’ve been actually thinking quite a bit about the moment we first met... Apparently it was either on his birthday or soon after it. That very first time, just a simple “thank you” as he left, that caught my attention. And the very next time, we got to talking a bit. It felt comfortable, it felt great. It caught my interest. He caught my interest. Then time went by... And then I finally got his name (and also his number and a date) so that kinda snowballed pretty fast after very slow progress. I’m not sure where it’s going now, I don’t think I’ve ever known. Sometimes it feels like he might feel somewhat similarly, sometimes no. Some say that ain’t great, but also you shouldn’t compare progress?? So... yeah. 
Oh, but I digress. I was gonna say how even though now isn’t as bad as 2015 was, it’s definitely terrifying that I had missed the symptoms and signs, or maybe I just brushed them off because I was busy and focused with work or life and then I just hit burnout so bad without even realising. 
Am trying my best to divert my mind and emotions today, especially with crying too much over the past week. Didn’t exactly work the way I wanted hah. Still cried quite a bit, but am trying to channel all this negative into positive to people around me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to just be all positive for me, but maybe I could try to make things better for someone else at least. I had told a friend this, and she’s like you shouldn’t do this for others but yourself, which is sweet and I appreciate her sentiment. But sometimes I’m just unable to fake it to pretend that all’s peachy (I mean I’m already trying my best to hide it on the outside, especially at work), so the most I could try is to make things better for someone, anyone. Even despite he didn’t check in, maybe he wanted to give me my space, maybe he didn’t want to probe, or just maybe he doesn’t really give a crap about it/me, I wanted to try. I still wanted to try. 
Gah, but whatever. Enough of thinking, enough of worrying, enough of stressing. For tomorrow, I just gotta take a proper break. Focus on me. And hopefully, oh damn, hopefully, things will start feeling okay again. 
Man, this was much longer than I expected it to be. It’s kinda sad that I write best when I’m upset, but I do enjoy it so much cos I’m finally able to put into words all the thoughts that I’ve got scrambling around in my head. Also just got reminded how the psychiatrist and the med student felt bad for me when I said I didn’t dare to go walking alone anymore after what happened the other time, and I just.. Ufgh, and the way he said it... no one deserves to feel afraid to go walking alone or that should have been your right. I do hope that I’ll overcome this again soon, cos I definitely need it. 
Well, this was a nice release. Time to focus on the positives and be more appreciative of what I have, instead of what I don’t, or feel like I don’t. Gotta do my best to stop this spiral before I really disappear into the darkness forever. 
Ugh, but I gotta say, I’m really proud of taking this step and not postponing the appointment, to still be open about life and all most that I’m dealing with. Yes, I still need to learn when to bite my tongue and actually who are the right people to trust, but I guess sometimes when you’re feeling so overwhelmed... 
But anyhoo.. I’m sure I’ve got this, and I hope things will start looking up from here. And well, I guess time to start job hunting too. 
X
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