#the comedic potential of assumed heterosexuality WILL be squandered by me

[worstloki]

Loki: I have to go feed my Tesseract

Thor: ...you don’t have the Tesseract

Loki: They moved in last week. Here’s a picture

Thor: Loki, that’s... that’s a human person.

Loki, nodding solemnly: my Tesseract

#okay so that joke about having a cat but its actually chat noir or black panther except its loki and the tesseract #because I'm still all for the Tesseract as a person idea and the Tesseract is a they who changes whenever they feel like it #watch Tony visit Loki to see what he's up to and then bump into this 6''10' lanky guy who has eyes that occasionally glow #oh and the skin can switch between tesseract blue or human skin (the tone changes on any given day) so loki aint the only blue one around #watch Tony visit Loki another day and bump into a 5'4'' lady who also has blue glowy skin or eyes #watch Tony visit again and bump into a 5'7'' maybe-a-gal-maybe-a-guy-? who also has their eyes glow when they smile #watch as Tony slowly gets convinced that Loki is either (a) hiding a bunch of these aliens for an invasion (b) has a blue-person kink #in fact watch as Loki leaves the room upon finding out the movie he was invited to watch is about blue people (avatar) #he spends half an hour in the bathroom sobbing and with every passing minute Tony is just more convinced he's right #watch as Tony convinces himself that Loki is hooking up with a different blue alien person every day and just to make sure he asks Thor #Thor can confirm Loki and the blue person sleep in the same room and that Loki only has 1 bed so Tony draws the 'logical conclusion' #and no Tony isn't jealous but watch as he fruitlessly tries convincing the Tesseract to sleep with him too without knowing theyre one person #since the Tesseract and Loki are friends and interact the most with each other Tony assumes 'Tessie' and 'Tess' are alien sweet talk #The Tesseract is recounting Tony's attempts at flirting to Loki and they go to sleep happy #''dont you want to be ... my Tessie?'' ''May I beg your pardon?'' ''I can be your Tess if you'll be my Tessie ;)'' ''goodbye'' #watch as the nonbinary shapeshifting Tesseract and ace genderfluid shapeshifting Loki slowly drive Tony insane #loki x tesseract where the tesseract is totally a night light #isnt it a shame that the closest canon thing loki has to a friend is the tesseract of all things?? WRONG!! this is an opportunity #the comedic potential of assumed heterosexuality WILL be squandered by me #watch as the Tesseract learns to exist without someone commanding them to teleport/shapeshift and Loki learns to exist because he wants to #watch as the both of them learn to exist as individuals for themselves #while convincing EVERYONE in the vicinity that Loki is sleeping with enough blue glowy aliens to invade the planet #Ace Loki #asexual loki #LokiIsAceAU #OH #I also want to say that this same scenario can work if Loki is pansexual / something else and I'm not trying to erase any existing sexuality #as a headcanon you could totally interpret it any way you want and the fact that I'm personally hcing Loki as ace #I really hope I'm not offending anyone with this #if anyone is offended I'd be happy to write up a few specific headcanons for other sexualities too?