#the babylon bee

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a swift and decisive response to the drone and missile attack on Israeli targets over the weekend, President Joe Biden retaliated against Iran by attaching a note to the next pallet of cash that reads "PLEASE DO NOT USE FOR TERRORISM."

The note, which was translated into Farsi, was placed in a clearly visible location on the next U.S. shipment of cash being sent to Tehran, with the Biden administration confident that its stern tone would ensure the Iranian regime would know not to use any of the billions of U.S. dollars on terrorism.

"Listen up, folks," Biden said in a brief statement announcing the retaliatory measure. "We're serious. Just as serious as… as serious as… we're just as… we're… well, anyway, in all seriousness. I have personally notified the Iranian government that they are not allowed to use any of this money for terrorism. So, if they're thinking about doing it… I'll just… I'll say… I'm saying… don't."

When reached for comment, a spokesman for the Iranian regime expressed willingness to adhere to the directions of the note. "Ah, yes," the spokesman said as laughter could be heard in the background of the phone call. "The directions are very clear. We will not use any of these billions and billions of dollars to do any of the things we used the last pallet of cash to do. We promise. Thank you, and death to America."

At publishing time, the White House warned Iran that the following shipment of cash pallets would be clearly marked with "PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?" notes if they failed to follow the directions of this note.

#the babylon bee #biden #iran

[dank-pro-life-memes]

#the babylon bee #dankprolifememes #abortion #pro life #pro choice

[saywhat-politics]

Vivek: racism does not exist

#the babylon bee #vivek ramaswamy

[madame-helen]

#meme #memes #shitposting #shitpost #humor #funny humor #funny memes #funny #the babylon bee #lol #parody #halo #video games #satire #relatable memes #sarcasm #irony

[soundlessdragon]

#brooooooooooooooo 😂 #the babylon bee #the handmaid's tale #surrogacy

[officialyourdailyinspiration]

Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God's Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible stories except for the notion that it actually just means what it's saying...

#The Babylon Bee #Dr. Jordan Peterson #Bible Story #interpretation #babylonbee.com

[dumbestthingiveeverheard]

Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard: 7/25/2023

Fifth Place: The Babylon Bee

Today, the right-wing satire website ran the article "Scientists Unveil Periodic Table Of Genders." Even ignoring the fact that this is the millionth or so time they've run a joke similar to this--you do realize what this implies, right? That the side in favor of transgender rights and who affirms non-binary identities have science on their side while you guys don't. In fact, this is even quite similar to a pro-transgender rights meme I saw posted a few years back.

Fourth Place: Matt Gaetz

The Hill reports today "Gaetz introduces legislation to end ‘unqualified’ birthright citizenship." Of course, given birthright citizenship has been upheld by the Supreme Court, repealing it would require a Constitutional Amendment, not just an act of Congress--something Matt would know if he took even the basic class on how our government works.

It should also be noted that Matt is trying to use this bill “to reflect the original intent of the 14th Amendment’s ‘subject to the jurisdiction thereof’ clause,” which refers to a part which quite literally reads that citizenship applies to everyone “born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof.”  If the original intent of that language was not that everybody born in the United States is automatically a citizen, which was the understanding held by the Senate when the Amendment was passed (as seen by a Senate Judiciary Report regarding the Amendment) and by then-President Andrew Johnson, then somebody should really have told those who wrote it to use different words.

This is a small aside, but one thing you'll notice if you listen to the rhetoric the right pushes on the Constitution is that they always seem to think the people who wrote it put some Asterix next to each part that implies something they wish it didn't which the rest of us are just too blind to see but totally shows the amendment is counter to everything they don't like. Although I am not going to sit here and pretend like the left can be guilty of the same thing--especially regarding the Second Amendment--it is not only worth pointing out that the right does it far more, but also that the right does it exclusively to take away the rights and freedoms of American citizens--or, in the case of Matt right here, to take away the status of citizen from millions of people.

Third Place: Hillary Clinton

Regarding the recent heat wave sweeping the country, the former Secretary of State wrote on Twitter:

Hot enough for you? Thank a MAGA Republican. Or better yet, vote them out of office.

First off, why the MAGA Republicans specifically? Don't Reagan and Bush Republicans also have a great deal of responsibility? How about Gingrich Republicans--you know, the ones who literally did everything possible to stop the environmental progress your husband's second in command tried to make!

Let's not forget that this is the same woman who dropped references to Climate Change from her speeches during her 2016 Presidential Campaign after Bernie Sanders endorsed her, who refused to endorse a carbon tax, and who encouraged other countries to embrace fracking as Secretary of State.

Second Place: Greg Gutfeld

It's not everyday the Auschwitz Museum feels the need to condemn something said on cable news, but Gutfeld's provided just such an occasion. Specifically, the organization criticized the Fox News host's use of Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning while defending Florida's educational standards which say that slaves learned useful skills during their enslavement, in response to the Jewish Jessica Tarlov bringing up a hypothetical similar situation related to the holocaust. His statement was the following:

Did you ever read Man’s Search for Meaning? Vik Frankel talks about how you had to survive in a concentration camp by having skills. You had to be useful. Utility, utility kept you alive!

Can we just talk about the implication that the Jews who died in the Holocaust did so because of lack of skill? What the fuck, Greg?

Winner: Ron DeSantis

I am honestly starting to believe that the DeSantis campaign is run by people who really don't want DeSantis to be President. Remember that ad late last month which called Donald Trump to much of an LGBT ally that was put out by a pro-DeSantis Twitter account? It turns out the DeSantis campaign made that ad internally and then gave it to this account in hopes of passing it off as something done by a crazed supporter. Said ad was mocked all across the internet both for the idiotic claim that Trump was some stern fighter for the rights of LGBT people and also because DeSantis was trying to run to the right on an issue that many Americans no longer agree with the right on.

At this point, all one really has to do if they one to debunk the idea of a DeSantis nomination is point out how badly Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, and Ted Cruz all did when they ran on platforms rather similar to DeSantis back in 2008, 2012, and 2016 respectively. The fact is that every Republican Presidential Primary for the past decade or so has featured one candidate who is the preferred President of the nutjobs and, although they do a good job being second place, they never progress past that. The average American--fuck, the average Republican--does not want what these people sell, and the reason is because they understand that hating other people isn't going to improve their lives, while hate is the only thing these people offer.

Ron DeSantis, you've done the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

#the babylon bee #matt gaetz #hillary clinton #greg gutfeld #ron desantis

[shadowfromthestarlight]

This won Meme of the Year for me.

#2022 #the babylon bee #james webb space telescope #memes

[geek-ramblings]

They literally have one joke

#The Babylon Bee #Elon Musk #Twitter #Conservatives

[chromanebula]

#the babylon bee #easter #satire #catholic memes

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

#the babylon bee

[culturevulturette]

#lol #truth #the babylon bee #harvard

[apesoformythoughts]

#the babylon bee

[alixismix]

#what is a bunny? #matt walsh #the babylon bee #the bee #easter #easter Sunday

[toomanystoryideas]

nigh-impossible babylon bee w. is this their first good take ever

#babylon bee #matt walsh #twitter #the babylon bee

[repuddle]

Elon Musk UNBANS Andrew Tate from Twitter

After acquiring Twitter for over $44 billion, Elon appeared to have acted on his words. Andrew Tate`s Twitter account (@Cobratate) appeared back online from vacation

Click on the Source below to view the article:

#AndrewTate #Twitter #ElonMusk #jordan peterson #kathy griffin #the babylon bee #andrew tate #cobra tate #tate brothers #elon musk #andrew tate unbanned