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iouinotes · 4 months

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Show-off | Mike Ross

pairing: Mike Ross x female!reader

show: Suits

genre: smut word count: 2,9k

summary: you and your co-worker Mike dont get along very well. But when you have something that he needs, suddenly everything is different.

a/n: Just watched the first two episodes of "Suits" and something about Mike is really attractive-

Working in a well-known office as a lawyer has it's advantages. Such as being respected by business people or being able to afford a lot of things, you spend all your evenings analyzing documents rather than meeting actual people.

Nevertheless, sometimes there are also negative factors. For example, my co-worker Mike, who really believes, that he is with his ridiculously skinny tie and sarcastic humor better than the others. Or right now, better than me.

"God, I cant believe you. Can you behave for once?" I use my fingers to push my hair back in frustration, noticing how my head starts to hurt. Its 10 pm and I'm currently trying to stay calm, though because of one man in particular, my nerves seem to be getting thinner within seconds. Valuable time is wasted that I could spend somewhere else instead of with him.

"Now it's my fault, that you don't have the documents with you? Sorry, I can't help you being organized in your own workplace." His voice irritates me. Everything about him is so frustrating.

"I told you, I didnt get the message! How am I supposed to know, that you need something, when you don't tell me anything about it? Maybe you should stop being so childish and ask me in the first place, instead of running to Rachel!" If our job had nothing to do with justice and we werent literally standing in a law company right now, I would kill him. And then I wouldn't hesitate to go to court and say it was self-defense, because I didnt want to hear any of his miserable excuses anymore.

"So what do you think, I should do? I need these documents for tomorrow. Please, I know you don't like me, but it is really urgent." Why does he has such blue eyes? The look he is going me is even more irritating than his voice.

I sign, exhibit my laptop and try to put the pens back, that are laying all over my desk.

"Okay, fine. As I said, the documents are at home, so-" I don´t even get to finish my sentence.

"Great, so I'll meet you there. And I wont even tell anyone, if your place is a mess." His eyes wander over my messy desk, and even If I don´t like to admit it, it's a bad habit of mine. But, he shouldn't make any assumptions about the neatness in my apartment.

"I hope you loose the documents on your way home." At my words, he grins smugly.

"Well, then I could lie and say you didnt found them anymore and I hadnt had the chance to go through them." He leans towards me.

"I'll run you over with my car." He raises his eyebrows at my threat.

"You sure should do something that makes you smile more often. Is that even something you know how to do?" I show him my middle finger and turn to left my office. When I close the door, I hear the laughter in his voice.

"The next storm should be named after you as quickly as you left the room." He follows after me.

"Can you shut up for once? Oh, I forgot. You don´t last one second being silent. Thats a shame, the world could finally heal." His hand rests on his heart, his features fake a hurt expression.

"Ouch. You really don´t like me that much, huh?" His eyes try to search mine.

"You get on my nerves on purpose every fucking day. Should I thank you for that?" I turn my head to look at him.

"Yes, you should. Your life would be so boring without me." He grins at me again from the side, that typical grimace that is always adorn on his face.

"You wish." When I tell him my address, he raises his eyebrows, but before he can make an unfavorable comment, I get into my car.

Darkness surrounds me and when I see him going away, I lower my head to the steering wheel. He really is the best at confusing my emotions.

~~~~~

I turn off the lights of my car and get out of it, so I can finally make my way to my flat. Its not something special, I mean I have a living room, which is quite big and connected to the kitchen, a bedroom and a bath. But I am very lucky, because I have a small balcony, from which I can watch the stars at night. But I usually only do that when I can't sleep.

So, when I enter my apartment, I let my eyes wander over the manageable mess, I put some clothes back in the closet and the dishes in the washing machine. The place almost looks decent, when I hear the doorbell.

As I open the door, I'm nervous for some reason. I let him in and turn to my office drawers, looking for the document.

"Nice place. You live here alone?" His fingers trace my bookshelf, I see him reading the titles.

"No, my wife is still at work." When I look at him dead serious, I see him laugh in surprise.

"So, you do have humor. I thought, you were one of those exceptions that wouldn't be able to do that." He means it as a joke, but something in my chest hurts.

When I reply with a monotonous voice, I see his eyebrows pull together. "I live here alone. That's what you wanted to hear?" I'm getting more frustrated again with every second he's around me.

"No- I didnt mean it that way. I'm sorry. My intentions were good, I promise." When I look at him for a moment, I see his honest expression.

It would be so easier for me to hate him, if I didnt know, he was a good human. Well, most of the time.

We are silent for a moment, but when I hear his footsteps, I tense up.

"What are you doing?" He's now standing right next to me.

"Helping you. You seem a little, tense?" I glare at him for a moment and he raises his hands in defense.

"Just pointed out the obvious. But dont worry. You still look lovely." I stop in my movements at his words.

"Thats such shock for you?" His voice shows surprise and a certain curiosity.

"Only that you say it." I look into his eyes.

"Well, you may think I'm dumb, but I'm not blind."

He just called me beautiful, sort of. It´s confusing me.

When I finally find the documents, I hold my hand out to him.

"I don´t think you are dumb. I think you're annoying. And a show-off. I don´t like that." His eyes follow me.

"What do you like then?" His question surprises me. He slowly takes the documents out of my hand, his finger gently brushing mine.

"I don´t think that is any of your business." I try to clear my voice. His touch makes me shiver.

"Come on, tell me. Would that be so bad?" His whole presence is making me nervous and I feel my hands start to shake.

At work, I can always hide behind a mask, pretend that nothing he does affects me. I can act like I truly hate him, even though I catch myself looking at him, from time to time. Especially when he shows off his intelligence without realizing it, impresses his clients and -I would never admit it- me too. It's a certain charm about him, the way he always knows how to answer, while being mischievous and clever about it.

But now, that he's in my apartment and so close to me, it's suddenly different. And I don't know how to react to him being nice.

"I look for someone who isnt afraid of commitment. Someone who is honest and kind, but who also challenges me. I want to feel safe, so I can put my trust not only in myself."

He nods and is quiet for a moment, I begin to feel stupid for telling him all of that, when he responds.

"I get that. Someone whose shoulder you can lean on when things get too much. Someone who meets your needs, who wants to be in your life. For longer than a one-night stand." He smiles at me and I see for the first time, why I possibly could like him.

"Also, statistics show higher rates of being robbed or kidnapped, when you have one-night stands." This remark almost makes me laugh, even though it's frightening.

"Well, who would even notice, if I would disappear? Probably only my clients, because they need me." I lower my head, being completely honest with him for the first time.

"I would notice."

When I look at him, he takes a step towards me. His fingers gently slide over my shoulder and brush my hair aside, the touch makes a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

"I couldn't annoy you anymore. My life would be pretty boring without you. And it's not so bad to be able to look at such a pretty face every day, even if it always looks at me annoyed, like all the time." I quietly laugh at that, feeling surprisingly good because of his compliment.

We look at each other, now being really close. My eyes travel to his lips and I don´t even know how it happens, but suddenly he is all over me. His lips on mine, his hands on my waist, lifting me up to sit me on the desk. I moan softly when his hands tangle in my hair and he pushes himself closer to me, so that he's standing between my legs. One of his hands gently wraps around my neck and I feel my loud pulse.

My hands move too, stroking his back and holding him closer to me by his tie. As he pulls his lips away from me, he lifts my chin with his finger. Now, looking down at me with widen pupils. I hold his eye contact, forgetting all about my issues with him, when he speaks to me with a deep voice (which I suddenly don´t think sounds irritating anymore).

"Be angry at me tomorrow and mine for tonight. I bet, all your frustration from work and your thin nerves can catch a break, what do you say?"

Not much. Because I pull him towards me by his tie and kiss him again. I don't want to stop at all anymore. He returns the kiss with the same enthusiasm and his hands find their way to my waist again to lift me up again. When he crosses the living room with quick steps and lays me down on the sofa, I already feel out of breath and clearly turned on.

His kisses become more intense, his lips move from my mouth to my neck, leaving marks there. But it feels too good to make him stop.

"I will gladly hear your excuses, when someone asks you about your hickeys tomorrow. Because you will be all flustered, when you think again about this moment. Where you are ready to be fucked by your colleague, who you despise so much." I whimper as he pushes up my dress and his hands pull my tights down to my knees. The cold air hits my skin, but I don't really notice it, because his lips are on my neck again and his fingers connect first with my stomach and then further down. I hold my breath as his lips touch my ear and his fingers stroke my folds.

"So wet for me. Didnt think, I would turn you on this much." I kiss him to shut him up.

"You are-" I moan, when he finally puts a finger in me. "-so annoying." He laughs at me.

"Am I? But you seem to like it." I feel myself getting wetter, his fingers feel so good as they move gently but firmly inside me. One of his hands moves to push my dress further up and somehow, he manages to pull it over my head. Now, I'm lying in front of him in just a bra, his hands slowly find their way over my body and to my back, which I lift slightly so that he can open the clasp.

When I lie naked in front of him and he massages my breasts, his lips touch mine and his fingers stimulate me, I feel like I'm in heaven.

He breaks apart, so he can look at me and I draw my eyebrows together, when his fingers increase in speed. My mouth opens and the sounds that escape me echo in the apartment.

"I'm- god, I think I am going to come-" at that he starts to tease me, going slower but a lot deeper. My eyes almost roll back as he hits a certain spot inside me.

"That feels good? What do you say, when you want something?" You stupid idiot.

"You stupid-" I begin to say as his lips graze my nipple and his finger scissor and stretch me out further.

"One word, darling. Say it." And because I feel this knot inside me (and maybe this side of him turns me on, like a lot), I finally open my mouth to please him.

"Please, Mike. I-I need to-" My sentence is cut off as his fingers speed up and I moan loudly.

"Thats a good girl, you can be so good to me, if I make you." His lips search mine as I finally come. My breathing is heavy and when I come down from my high and look at his face, I see the satisfied expression.

"You are done-" I can't maintain my strict facial expression and suddenly have to start smiling. His eyes widen in surprise and I raise my eyebrows, still smiling softly.

"What?" I quietly laugh at his expression.

"Nothing, its just- I have never seen you smiling so happy." I roll my eyes gently. As I look at him closer now, I see the bulge in his pants and the loosened tie. As I lean forward, his eyes shift to my body.

"You still are fully clothed. A bit unfair, don't you think?" I watch him swallow and my hands move to his chest to slowly unbutton his shirt. As I also remove the tie and slip the shirt from his shoulders, I sit myself on his lap. Rocking my hips forward and seeing his eyes close. His hands move to my hips and begin to control the movements, my eyes close too and my head leans into the crook of his neck as the movements become faster.

Sighs and heavy breaths leave his lips and once again, one of his hands moves to grab my breasts, lightly grazing the nipples.

I look at him, noticing his swollen lips and his flushed cheeks. His hair is a mess and his forehead is furrowed, but he tries his best to pull himself together.

I groan as I look at him and suddenly think back to todays afternoon, when he was on a phone call and I heard how he listed one reciting fact after another, without any difficulty.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"N-nothing" I'm definitely too embarrassed to admit how much his intelligence and the way he seems to know everything, turns me on.

One of his hands moves to my entrance and teases me by just circling around it. When I try to push myself down, he pulls his fingers away.

"You tell me, whats going on in that pretty head of yours and you'll get me." My body feels so hot, I can't think properly anymore.

"You where on a phone call today and you just- you listed without any effort every single point that will help you win the case. You just said it like- it's nothing."

When his fingers dig into me again, I bite my lips. I try to control my moans and not pay attention to the fact, that I just gave him every opportunity to make him be more complacent than his usual self.

His fingers pump into me and I feel slightly overstimulated. But I wouldnt want to stop now.

"You get off by the thought of me, saying memorized facts? Who would have thought that my intelligence would turn you on so much." God, his ego probably doesn't fit in this apartment anymore.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, you still annoy me." Now I'm really just trying to get myself out of the situation. I lean towards him, so he can't say anything anymore and pull on his blonde hair to distract him.

Moans escape my lips and when I notice that his noises are also getting louder, I pull away from him. He looks at me confused.

"I want you inside me." Thats all I say, but he quickly complies with my request. I slide off his lap and wait for him to take off his pants and boxers until he's finally on top of me again. His fingers find my bottom lip and while maintaining eye contact, I open my mouth so he can insert a finger. My tongue brushes against his and after a few moments of him pressing on my tongue, he lets his fingers move back to the spot that needs him the most.

He stretches me for a few minutes until he finally guides his cock to my hole and slowly penetrates me. My eyes close and I hear his breath in my ear as he pushes further.

"You are so tight- good thing finally someone fucks you." I nod without thinking and hear his laughter in my ear.

"You think so too, huh. Would you let anyone fuck you then?" My stomach tenses, I feel the pleasure growing again and every movement of him. This feels so good-

I try to shake my head, but I'm too lost in the sensations to pay much attention to his words.

"No? But I thought, you hate me. Why would you let me fuck you, if you don´t even like me?" His thrusts become faster and more uncontrolled, I feel him getting closer to his own high.

"I-" I try to stutter "d-don´t hate you." I feel myself getting closer and reach into his hair, pulling at the roots and feeling his lips on my shoulder. His thrusts become more powerful and as he moves his hand and massages my clitoris, suddenly everything goes white in front of my eyes and I come.

I feel every inch inside of me, feel his fingers brush over the visible bulge in my stomach and think to myself: god I feel so full

When he comes too, I moan so loudly that it's impossible that my neighbors didn't hear me. His hand finds its way around my chin, he slides a finger into my mouth and I feel my vagina tighten because of it.

He hisses and his thrusts slow down until he finally pulls out of me, trying not to fall on top of me. As I give him some space next to me, he falls halfway on me, but pulls me on top of him in the next second and I can hear his strong heartbeat. With his outstretched hand he pulls the blanket over me, that had fallen to the floor.

We both try to catch our breath and as the minutes pass, only the wind outside is heard. He is the first to break the silence.

"So, you don't hate me?" I lift my head from his naked chest to look at him.

"Only sometimes." He shakes his head and smiles, gently stroking my back.

The evening went by quickly, we ordered a pizza and ate it (clothed) on the terrace. We were going over his documents for tomorrow, I blushed at the thought that this was the real reason he came here, but he just hugged me from behind after we finished and continued watching the stars.

It's not really clear what this evening means for us, but I don´t want to get into that, not yet. Because I'm not sure what it means anyway.

Because now, I have to get used to the fact that his voice no longer irritates me, that his jokes no longer annoy me and that he as a person, is actually not as bad as I imagined.

"Who thought, I was the one to get you relax."

But he is still a show-off.

#suits tv #mike ross #netflix #tv shows #x reader #fictional characters #smut #enemies to lovers #hate fuck

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maryallenc · 1 year

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theres just something i absolutely adore about the way bells hells can be generally perceived in general by other people.

like how vox machina are these living legendary god-chosen heroes put into the history books and continue to be influential figures to this day. even during their time, they were protectors of the realm, slayers of dragons and gods. theyve taken the role of saviors and defending the side of good, despite how much of dumbass shitheads and callous in their ways and words they can be.

or how the mighty nein were these lesser-heard mysterious group of hypercompetent operatives entwined with criminal organizations, politics, governments, esoteric encounters, and divine or arcane secrets. they were shady motherfuckers whose agendas not a lot of people are privy to, altho we all know its mostly attending to each other's well-being and actually trying to do the right thing, and thats if theyre actually thinking some things through.

and now, the bells hells. the interesting thing is, theyre a group mostly comprised of ticking time bombs, and i feel like people can maybe already get some hints of that impression from them after a while? like. you see this colorful group of idiots. theyre actually pretty nice people. theyre appreciative and indulgent of most weird and even stupid shit. theyre not necessarily great at stealth, but theyve got the audacity to walk in any kind of establishment as if they belong even when they clearly dont, and weirdly enough it works. when faced with opponents, their first move is to fuck with them with some ridiculous shit. ghost haunts, booby traps, fake orgies, explosives as a warning. maybe even talk things out. wont even kill you, hell, they prefer not to usually.

but then you push a little too far. or youre in the way and they cant really afford to waste time. theyve got a goal, and theyre gonna reach it no matter what. and now youve got the most unhinged and feral group of people who doesnt give a shit about collateral damage or hurting themselves as long as they can put you down.

theyre also just so non-stop, and even if they were given time and opportunity to rest, theyre just so full of energy and grit.

during their first episodes, even eshteross was a little taken aback by how fast and immediate they move on to the next thing that needs their focus.

so. looking from the outside. theres this group of weirdos, most of them almost monstrous? just plain out weird and really questionable? in origins. theyre very nice people. very friendly. maybe even kind, sometimes at least. they fuck with enemies' heads, sometimes theyre small pranks, sometimes they just set you on fire. but stop short of killing, maybe even heal you!

but theyve also left so many places exploding and/or on fire. they will fucking ruthlessly win ANY COMPETITION OR RACE as undeniable victors.

the frontliners are beaten up and still standing and grinning with blood on their teeth, the casters have the least compunctions in killing, and the healer is fucking with a lot of the damages dealt within a fight.

theyre as quick to announce a big good like the voice of the tempest as their ally as they were with an amoral fey called the nightmare king whom they fully admitted to have been abducting children and innocent creatures for science.

no doubt, theyre all there to save the world. right some wrongs. make a better change.

but theyre just so. wild? and destructive. even to themselves.

im just curious on what the final image of them as a group will be for them.

#bells hells #mighty nein #vox machina #critical role #critical role campaign 3 #bell's hells #the mighty nein #party comparison #is this meta?#cr spoilers #critical role spoilers

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fuck-you-upmusicbracket · 10 months

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Splitter Girl (weevildoing)

Another night, I’m all alone, enthroned within a screen/RGB light reflects uncut orgasmic tragedies...Oh, I can’t stand these awful thoughts inside of me/Only way to compensate is lead and metal, sharp and clean!

"VIOLENCE. ITS ALL ABOUT VIOLENCE it got its mv censored to start. its not even justified but hey i cant say that about many songs lmao its about the glorification of violence from mental illness (and some other things, but really its generally all about mental illness), and is done extremely well. its extremely clear that theres a lot of care put into this song, and like... determination? i barely ever see representation of things like this (violent/intrustive thoughts, glorification of it, etc) in music, so seeing it here (and in a way that shows that weevildoing truly gets it + isn't patronizing) is really nice. really this song is like... a community? something to show that you arent alone. and i love that so much, i love how much has been put into this song, every single lyric and instrumental choice shows an abundance of love and care and understanding. and this song has an entire developed character to go with it, and is alongside multiple other songs! its a part of the post-traumatic manifesto, and the character featuring is Splitter Girl (no other name, which is on purpose). the song is basically her mind, and the mv (uncensored) her internet life. showing what she's searching, listening to, shopping for, etc. once again it hits the nail right on the head for what mental illness is like. the visuals are very unafraid and purposeful in the clips and websites it shows, up to blade shopping, #guro and how to tie nooses being included. it pulls no stops in showing what it's truly like to be so low, what it really feels like, the highs and lows of it. it's like a love letter to me, to everyone who feels this way, and thats why i love it so much. it doesnt demonize us. it offers a hand (with a glittery pink gun) and an understanding i said its all about violence but man. its all about being *understood.* and violence too"

Karma (AJR)

I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly/I've been so good, why am I feeling empty?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year/I've been so good, but it's still getting harder/I've been so good, where the hell is the karma?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year

i try to explain the good faith that's been wasted / but after an hour, it sounds like complaining / wait, don't go away, can i lie here forever? / you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? / the universe works in mysterious ways / but i'm starting to think it ain't working for me / doctor should i be good, should i be good this year?

You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better?/The universe works in mysterious ways/But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me/Doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?

"The song embodies what it feels like to try with everything you have just to be unrecognised and pushed aside. To be overlooked and for people to not see your struggles. Each line is written with so much energy and emotion, not to mention how the last verse hits you like a truck. It's become a song that I resonate a lot with and so do a lot of other people."

"It makes me want to cry every time I listen to it, the emotion build at the end of the song makes my chest hurt, and the lyrics fit me way too well and its. aaoiuuhhgg"

"It is exactly what it feels like to struggle with depression, self-loathing, etc. I sob every time I listen to it or even think of it (I’m tearing up right now). It’s just so painful to be reminded that I genuinely used to feel that way constantly, and that I still struggle with it. And of course, the instrumental just feels like the inside of my brain."

"It's like, the feeling when you're trying your best, to be a good person, to be liked by everyone, and still end up getting nothing, your not happy(er) or better, you just still feel lonely and like it was all for nothing, and you end up asking yourself "does it even matter?" and you want to get help, to get better, to feel better, but still, it all feels the same."

POLL RUNNER HERE - VOTE KARMA THE LYRICS WILL DESTROY YOU. Especially the final verse/bridge where the singer just launches into one long breath of really raw lyrics - that's what ajr is all about. Destroying you with words that are real

Splitter Girl submitted by @uniquezombiedestiny

Karma submitted by @space-shuttle-discovery + others

#fuck you up bracket #tournament #polls #weevildoing #ajr

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br1ghtestlight · 4 months

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getting war flashbacks to the bobs burgers fanfic where louise is doing math homework in the restaurant when nobody else is around and then bob has a heart attack </3 that shit was TRAUMATIZING

love linda shouting four whenever there's a math problem or anything related to numbers. best recurring joke. FOUR!!!!

you can do it gene :D also im so bad at math I 100% would not be able to help either. dumbass rep family

bob trying to help gene with his homework is cute. even if he is Not very good at it. he wants to be an involved dad :(

gene im not gonna lie that math question has gotta be fucking with you. rhat is not a real question. i could NEVER do that not if i was given 100 hours that shit is fake

see this is where when I was in math class i would just write a random number and move on bcuz im never gonna figure it out anyway im not gonna waste time. so that's my advice gene. just Give Up

he says "maybe your mom or tina could get you started" because they're older but I genuinely think louise has a better chance of helping bcuz she is so smart. if she'd WANT to help is another question entirely

because I'm stuck in a safe 😐

AND THEN HE BLINDFOLDED ME ON THE WAY HERE??? HE BLINDFOLDED YOU??????

teddy I think his guy is gonna murder you im gonna be so real right now

unfortunately im kinda following teddy's logic now like. it isnt like fischoeder isn't doing this type of shit everyday just for fun. rich guys are just like that BUT getting their money is nice

"gene was doing homework?? that's new"

WE'RE NOT ALL ECONOMICALLY COMFORTABLE LIKE YOU ARE

"Why did you tell me the whole long story about the sandwich in the drawer if you're running out of battery LOCKED IN A SAFE??" "Context!!!!"

also bob and teddy have such great comedic chemistry lmao they bounce off each other so naturally

louise isn't lying she Does have a certain set of skills 😭 if anyone could find him it WOULD be her the lockpicking genius nine year old supervillain

miss you. see you soon. gotta go!!

has he gotten a new cellphone since that MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND YOUR PHONE IS AT 23% argument or is it that same shitty 2008 blackberry phone that dies almost immediately lmfao

bob is a real one for doing this bullshit for teddy he did NOT have to. they're ride or die fr

I'm not entirely unconvinced that gerald isnt a serial killer but thats okay <3 men can have hobbies

also I'm choosing to believe this gerald is the same one from the taxes/weed cookie episode even though it ABSOLUTELY is not bcuz i think that would be funny. by day he's a regular tax agent by night he is a creepy rich kidnapper who pulls mind games on all his handymen

OH I FORGOT THE SUBPLOT FOR THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT SPORTS PEOPLE why did they do the whole thing with gene's homework then.... are they connected. what is the gameplan

WE PICK A NEW LOVER FOR MOM

i love how bob is apparently the only thing keeping his family from going completely off the fucking rails like. he's the only thing standing between his family and their restaurant burning down with everyone inside fr

your dad never loved that dream :/ because he's a hater :/ AND SO JEALOUS :/

you're not gonna break the world record. another hater. STOP THAT

I might be having a panic attack 💔 I CANT TELL BECAUSE IVE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE OR IM ALWAYS HAVING ONE soo real teddy

WE LOST HIM 😭😭💔

aww I love them all wearing their lil aprons <3 (crappy photo of my tablet bcuz the app im using to watch this episode doesn't allow screenshots)

SAY SOMETHING SMART LIKE UHH HOW WOULD YOU FLIP A GIANT BURGER. OH GOD THEY DIDNT MAKE THE GIANT BURGER DID THEY. WHO WOULD EVEN AGREE TO EAT THAT. AN OVER FOURTY CO-ED BASKETBALL TEAM. REALLY 😯

sorry this episode has so many good ooc quotes FJDMDJSKSKKM

gene STOP calling him father

bob is being like a whole ass detective meanwhile linda and the kids are currently making The Worst Decisions Ever

h jon benjiman is doing such a good job voicing bob in this episode idk it has so much personality and sounds natural. or it's always like this and im just now appreciating it but either way A+ work

cute bob and teddy moment ❤️❤️

(ignore the awful camera quality. nothing I can do there) also love the fact that teddy can easily lift up and manhandle bob. Good to know

there's so much going on w/ this gerald guy I dont even know WHERE to begin. what a guy. wow

this is so cute and sweet im so happy!!! YOU DOUBLE FAKE WALLED HIM :D YOU SMART SMARTIE. YOURE A GENIUS BOB

"I knew I asked the right person to come help me. Yeah. Mort wouldn't answer."

"What? You called Mort first?"

"No..."

HE ASKED MORT???? LMFAO big win for tedmort shippers. I fucking guess

MORT NEVER DOUBLE FAKE WALLED ANYONE why is bob like genuinely jealous of mort and teddy right now 😭 chill out man you've got a wife at home

"let's just say it's twelve" FINALLY bob follows my very smart advice when it comes to math homework smh

ALSO THIS IS TECHNICALLY THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN THEM EATING BOBS BURGERS FOR DINNER OR IN GENERAL!!! I mean it's a giant hamburger loaf but it technically was served at bob's burgers so it counts

GIANT FRENCH FRIES

aww this episode was so fun and cute!! I love the more adventure-y type episodes where they explore a new location so this episode was great and very stressful lmao. also very funny. I love bob and teddy's dynamic/back and forth throughout the episode and the weird mort mention at the end felt like they were soft launching his and teddy's relationship even though I KNOW they aren't actually. mort could replace kathleen if we believe. very solid 8/10 episode :)

#txt #bob's burgers #episode review #bb spoilers

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trash-can-sam · 11 months

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Can I just say I adore Qi’s relationship with Mint. I feel like its such a good way showing the other side of Qi before they get close enough to see it, and idk I dont think people talk about it enough.

I find it interesting partially because it reveals a lot about Qi’s tendency to be sentimental and hold onto the past (despite the fact he would never admit it.) I find this an interesting aspect of him I dont see brought up enough. He keeps memories of his family and espeically his grandfather very close, I feel like he’s one of the characters with the most photos of family in his room actually (idk correct me if im wrong on that im not sure) and holds on to even small ideas he had as a child (gunghamm mobile suit, katana thing, etc.)

Now, this could be for several reasons. I feel like a lot of it is rooted in wanting to prove himself to people, wanting to make his dreams reality for himself, absolutely, but also wanting other people to see that he was right to believe in himself and his intellect. He mentions people thinking he was crazy for going to Sandrock, and he doesnt really hide that he wants to be known for his acomplishments. Qi cant stand being wrong and even if it seems impossible to make his childhood dreams a reality he’s going to try his damnedest, so part of the reason he holds onto his childhood dreams is out of spite.

I also feel like theres a component of not wanting to have wasted potential. He talks a bit about how he thinks his parents are wasting their lives and potential by being perfectly content with being simple fishermen who dont desire measurable improvement (money, fish caught, that type of thing). So I feel like he has definetly internalized that dissapointment in his parents by doing the opposite and desiring measurable improvement above all else, because otherwise how can he be sure what he’s doing is worth much?

A lot of this is in contrast to Mint, who doesnt hold onto his past that much. He barely talks about it at all, largely because well, there isnt a lot there. Mint doesnt care that much about proving himself to others, he doesnt care about proving himself to himself. He’s willing to largely take life how its given to him. DONT GET ME WRONG, hes not necessarily a slacker by any means, nor is he unmotivated, But I feel like by Qi’s means he definetly would be.

Mint does what he needs to, he does it well, and he takes a nap. Qi does what he isn’t required to do, does it well, and then does more shit he isnt required (and often he should not) do. In a lot of ways, Mint does what he does directly to help others where Qi does what he does for himself, and if others get helped so be it. You see this in the type of jobs they choose too, with Mint being an engineer who goes around the free cities and helps with town improvement and Qi being a solitary researcher who went to a town on the verge of collapse, not necessarily to help the people there, but to find an old world spaceship, for himself and for recognition for his work.

I also find it interested in how theyre united in their isolation from others. Neither Mint nor Qi really have that many friends. All Mint really has is Gale, whos more of an uncle than a friend really, and all Qi has is well... no one that he acknowleges as a friend ( I feel like hes on a lot friendlier terms with a lot of the town than he would mention BUT THATS FOR ANOTHER TIME ). They both clearly struggle with making friends, Mint because hes on the move, and Qi because its not a goal. For both of them, making meaningful connections with people aren’t really a priority. The priority is always their work, both of them wanting to be recognized more for their work than for themselves as people.

IDK I just think its very interesting. I could probably write more TBH but this is kind of insane. I just like thinking about them rly theyre the bestest of pals.

#mtas #qi mtas #my time at sandrock #qi my time at sandrock #mtap #mint mtap #character analysis #way too much character analysis rly #Lots of speculation on motives but like I do what I want rly.#mint my time at portia #Theyre just my favorites and they both deserve more attention #especially qi hes my babygirl #mtas headcanon #?#its not really a headcanon in a traditional sense but it is of Qi's mental state ig #I love them #innane ramblings

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angelstar-light · 2 years

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✨✨ALRIGHTY IT IS TIME FOR TMC OC LORE!✨✨

🪦🥀CASSIEL🥀🪦

first off, “Who or What exactly is Cassiel, and what kind of Alternate is he?”

CASSIEL is a doppelgänger type alternate, you can see how he takes appearance as a cemetery angel but at the same time, a similar appearance to his creator and father; Gabriel. He usually blends in with the other statues in the cemetery. But what does he do exactly? Well we all know the real Archangel Cassiel, responsible for comforting to those in grief or in great sorrow. Well, this one does the exact opposite! He feeds off from people’s grief and will encourage the victim into more dread— leading themselves to M.A.D.

And i shit you not this guy doesn’t really do anything as much, thats because his residence is only and i mean ONLY in the cemetery because well apparently he blends better there, and when ofc they see an alternate roaming the streets they will immediately go apeshit.

He has yet nothing to do except just roam around the cemetery doing completely random things. Like blowing off candles from a grave, decaying lil flower bouquets, or just stay there intact like a natural statue. So yeah its..quite oddly boring for him. Although he's definitely fine in the night, he loves to just lay and watch the stars. It fascinates him that they burn eternally until they die out, nonetheless they're still beautiful. And his personality? He's more of a timid little fella but he's got a lil bit of burning sass laying inside somewhere. I mentioned that he’s kiiiind of made outta stone right? If he were to crack or loose a limb it’ll regenerate and reconstruct back to normal, you dont wanna see what horrid shit lays beneath those stone cracks. Sometimes it takes a while for him to reconstruct a limb lol.

Next off in the list! “What’s his current status as of now?”

Like i said he just doesn’t do much, but more or less he’s DEFINITELY against Alt!Gabriel. He hates that fucker with burning passion, despite being a creation of his, he despises him to the fullest. He's tried to step back from the killing bit BUT he's got nothing really else to do but lurk in cemeteries waiting to haunt someone like a ghost, He's never been anywhere, or everywhere. He's a cemetery angel so he would prefer blending in than standing out so its kind of his personal abode; the cemetery. If he were to explore out of the cemetery he'd either pussy out immediately because "yeah this is just a waste of my time-" or be a lil dubious curios creature. He sometimes relies on the humans to do something about the whole alternate infestation but tbh he naturally doesnt.

He cant kind of really do anything about it, cuz obviously genuinely CANT cuz Gabe's henchmen alternate children will go after him and kill him themselves. He may know death very well, but good god he doesn't wanna experience death too soon he's got a lot to discover yknow? But if its the end for him, he'll willingly accept his fate he's got nothing else to live for anyway FOR NOW— He still does rely a little on the humans to resolve it but he knows how atrociously dumb some humans can be /j /hj Oh AND he's irrationally a lil afraid of the other alternates because he knows it would be the death of him if he would do something maybe stupid or go after Alt!Gabe and they'd kill him on sight Imao so he just does about anything to avoid that from happening.

and so it continues! “Does he have any relationship status?”

Nope he doesn’t fascinate himself in having a partner, so i guess he might be aromatic asexual 👀. Although he’a got a couple human friends! Surprisingly. It all started when Mika (another TMC OC of mine!) was visiting a dead friend's grave in the cemetery, so in connection with Cassiel, the grave where her dead friend is happens to be the graveyard where Cassiel is. so Cassiel got real curious about her cuz "wow why does she visit that grave so much?? lemme try and mess with her lol."

and so he did. but Mika realized what the hell was happening way too soon and there they met. He was left baffled and confused on why it didnt work, yes Mika was in grief for a couple moments— but hey that story wont be told on this one just yet 👀. But for context she's in a small organization in which her role is being a little expert on Alternates so she KNOWS stuff. But ye they went on a little truce that IF he doesnt kill her, she'll at least show him around outside of the cemetery like a lil guy seeing the world for the first time! So TIME SKIP TO THE PRESENT! a little while after, he’s now a part in the said organization and he now lives with Mika as a roommate and a friend, buddies!

We’re coming in close, it is time for the basic questions!

His Sexuality? He’s an aromantic asexual

His Pronouns? He/him/they/them/it/its

Is he huggable? I’d..say so? But he’s made outta stone so its a little rough- dont worry! He’s a gentle fella :>

Is he aware of what his friends think of him as? Yep, actually a few dont really trust him fully but he’s pretty close with Mika whos close enough to actually trust him.

Favorite food? He’ll gladly eat anything, but it would be chocolate crinkles :]

Does he age? Or how old is he? His age is actually unidentified, and he cant age at all.

Can i date him? “𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨…𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬.” - CASSIEL 🪦🥀

Whats his hobbies? Well besides the usual and now that he’s out of the cemetery, he just loves to go cloud watching and stargazing most of the time when he’s at Mika’s house.

[LIKES]🤍

- clouds and stars

- definitely wearing comfy clothes

- crinkle cookies!

- cats and moths

- is now practicing how to paint and sculpturing

- Decayed roses or just white roses, its common seeing in a graveyard

- greek sculpture/architecture aesthetic

[DISLIKES] 🖤

- he dislikes humans sometimes lol

- Alt!Gabriel, mf despises him

- being handled or interacted wrongly

- the fact he’s an alternate, sadge :(

- Kids.

- being picked up, cuz he’s made outta damn roCKS

- fiddling with his stone cracks

- crowded loud places

You made it to the end! Whew boy— thanks for reading btw heheee :D

#mandela aeo au #mandela catalogue #the mandela catalogue #mandela catalogue oc #alt gabriel #sus gabriel #gabriel mandela catalogue #tmc #alternate gabriel #you can find my art of Cassiel on twitter btw hehee #TMC Cassiel #Cassiel

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liquidstar · 1 year

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Out of curiosity, what would you say Emilia’s main character flaws are? As in, her vices and failures of character.

i feel like her biggest and most obvious one is her self-sacrificing nature. it's one of the first things we learn about her, she always puts others before herself to her own deteriorate. stopping to help strangers when her entire future as the potential leader of the country is on the line and trying to justify it to herself. subaru himself says that anyone who lives like that will end up wasting their life. and as an extension of this shes also really bad at asking for help, in frozen bonds it takes her almost dying to finally call out puck's name which was largely her arc, but she only really learned to depend on one person (well, spirit) and still doesnt take well to being helped. during her big fight with subaru one of her biggest gripes was that he got hurt for her sake, but she NEVER asked him to do that. the thing is subaru was being an asshole and she had every right to be mad at him, but she had NO reason to blame herself for anything either.

and this also all ties back to her insecurity, her lack of faith in herself. like i said she bonds with puck after frozen bonds, but after he disappears in arc 4 she doesn't know what to do with herself. she needed that support and ends up learning on subaru for it in a way thats detrimental to her (almost going in the opposite direction). despite the fact that she WANTS to shoulder everything by herself... she cant. shes not that strong willed, no one is. the shit shes gone through is too much and she basically has to have one person to be her rock. but thats part of what arc 4 is for her anyway, learning to stand by herself but also accept love from others.

she doesnt trust her own abilities much but combined with that she also seems to have a fear of being useless- of being weak and unable to handle it all. she HAS to handle it all to prove herself as a worthy human being, since her existence itself is usually treated as a sin. she has to prove she's good. look at her! shes doing good! shes taking the trial! shes helping people! please dont think shes bad! please dont think shes a witch! shes just a normal girl! shes useful! she can do it! until she cant. if she buckles under the pressure she would run and hide or latch heavily onto One Person (fortuna, puck, subaru, whatever. someone. anyone.) theres a limit to how much a person can take.

she also tends to assume the worst in herself. she wants to prove that shes good and all but shes also kind of her worst critic. she picks apart her own motivation (to thaw the ice of elior forest and unfreeze all the elves) and she sees that as SELFISH. despite everything i said about how self sacrificing she is she sees herself as a selfish person! because in her eyes /wanting/ something is bad. having your own motivations is bad and selfish. as if the other royal selection candidates dont all have personal agendas (anastasia wants money. priscilla wants power. felt wants chaos. crusch wants order.)

and all this combined, she also greatly struggles to accept the love of other people. she doesnt realize how much puck loves her until the end of frozen bonds, until then she literally though he would just leave her some day. she straight up does not understand why subaru loves her so much and finds it confusing and jarring, at least at first. she cant love herself so she doesnt understand why others do. eventually she does learn to accept love though, and a little detail ive always liked is that when subaru tells her "i love you" she doesnt say it back but she does say "thank you" because it still gets through and still means something, and she can take her time if she ever wants to say it back. when emilia "breaks" and starts depending on him heavily the fact that she says it back is DISTURBING to him because it makes him realize how far she was pushed.

basically emilia is a deeply traumatized individual who has no faith in herself, so she tries to make up for it by carrying as much as she can on her own. when that fails she needs someone to learn on heavily and can grow dependent on them. but she has a hard time accepting that people love her because she cant love herself.

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lazaruspiss · 6 months

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Justice League x RW/BY: Super Heroes and Huntsmen (Part One)

gonna be honest i kinda keep forgetting that this movie exists. the animation and music is very... rw/by. for better or for worse. corny quippy one liners. it's very corny. adding a cut bc this'll probably get a bit rambly.

AHHH THE FLASHBACK IS A STILL FRAME. the first thing to make me laugh wasnt even a joke it was the single still frame flashback. well. there was a slight zoom?

it's trying to be funny so bad its trying so hard. the serious dialogue is corny but could be worse. overall its better than the crossover comics? making the DC characters teenagers seems pointless.

oh god the dialogue is so hammy. the fists are hammed. weiss good and weiss dad bad yes i noticed. christ im only 8 minutes in. physically recoiling at some of the jokes. like its nothing jokes its nothinggg.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE BRUCE? he's been on screen for like 10 seconds and he already sounds and acts like "wealthy teenage tiktok star tries to pander to the less ~economically privileged~" and god it keeps going it hasnt even been a minute yet. did they make them teenagers bc otherwise bruce wouldve run off and found some little boy to help him solve everything without the help of anyone else. is that why. bc honestly yeah adult bruce is hard to write into a team setting.

bruce continues to be embarrassing but also. im learning that the still image flashbacks are just a thing thats gonna happen in this movie. style wise its very much a rw/by movie, so its just probably not gonna hit for me. its the kind of show i watched in middle school and grew out of by 8th grade. even then, my interest kind of started and ended with the character design and the basic world building elements. emphasis on basic, trying to understand the more in depth aspects is a bit of a waste of time.

oh and im still at the 10 minute mark. "ive already gone through all the other dc x rw/by content" i thought, "might as well watch the movies" i thought.

i think theyre trying to write bruce doing a smart detective thing? unfortunately rw/by is very bad at writing people doing smart things. 1) cant stand bruces voice in this 2) god hes so annoying and this whole scene is embarrassing to watch.

GAHH. THE SAME FLASHBACK FRAME CLARK HAD BUT ZOOMED OUT THIS TIME. true cinema. and i think theyre alluding to time travel as well as dimension travel, so even the rw/by girls get to have weird "we're not where we should be" flashbacks.

diana manhandles the small boy, fun. it also rife with required reading bc if you arent fully dedicated to keeping track of all rw/by lore then fuck you. these movies dont seem to require much DC knowledge but they cram in a lot of references to rw/by lore that i only know from video essays put out by ex-fans.

hey guys did u remember that yang is lesbian. pretty cool right? right?? this movie is going by so slow.

MARI IS THAT YOU?? and jess... girls u deserve a better movie. oh vic got braids? nice. also that joke was nothing. all the jokes are nothing.

the best jokes so far have been. the ones about how convoluted and hard to get into rw/by is. because of course. sigh. i do think the DC characters are better utilized and integrated than they were in the comics at least. seeing mari and jess get animated is really cool, and overall i like the redesigns. a few of the characters have commented on suddenly being deaged but mari's acknowledgement of it is the first to feel like a natural line of dialogue rather than exposition.

montage of bruce learning to use his bat powers so that they can get that out of the way before he joins the rest of the group. separate things that were already discussed being re-discussed so that we can have a "everyone talks at once scene". they. what. huh? they had a normal conversation that landed on "lets split into groups since theres enough of us to reasonably do that. then they have an argument which ends at the exact same conclusion.

are they really gonna have a "yang thinks diana is hot and blake gets jealous" plot line? really? and another love triangle. cy tries to ask nora to explain this worlds weapons, noras boyfriend(?) gets mad and then cy gets mad back and ends up being the one everyone gets upset with. it feels a bit. just. super uncomfortable. cy wasnt flirting he was just. talking to nora.

oh thank god that bit is over. now back to jess! possibly the most interesting character here. her design is probably my least favorite of the bunch tho, just because it feel a bit... too anime? it reminds me too much of my danganronpa phase, lol.

jaune doing plot device things. jess introspection. its not the most interesting thing but its better than uh. whatever happened with cy earlier. sorry im still thinking about that. i think they were just going for hormonal and temperamental teenager moment but it uh. came off weird.

plot twist everything was uh. void. ptsd monster things. the plots about to get convoluted isnt it.

diana is pretty decently fleshed out in this one. and it looks like they didnt lean into the diana being hot as a source of relationship conflict that much aside from a few jokes, thank god.

for fucks sake shut up jaune i dont care about your dead girlfriend.

back to the monster fighting group, dear god theyre doing one of those. 2 guys fight over girl who goes "umm i can take care of myself >:(". GOD SHUT UP. FUCK. ITS A JEALOUS LOVE TRIANGLE PLOT. please let this die sooner rather than later.

bruce describes everything that was just established. bruce is emo. weiss tries to be nice. then back to jess and jaune. "i didnt realize how much i miss this place" yeah well i sure dont miss it. oh pyrra, however your name is spelled, you were the only character death that meant anything. now if only they didnt degrade her story into being all about jaune even in death.

have weiss and bruce just been on the computer this whole time. at least they eventually get a fight scene. lesbians to the rescue time. stuff and things. i still dont care and jaune. fuckin. creator self insert ass. he was originally comic relief/audience surrogate but turned into way too much of a main character. god jess deserves her own movie.

weiss please stop trying to recruit him this is just embarrassing. is this gonna be a whole thing? bruce deciding between earth and remnant? and god you cant put anime style gags in the middle of a serious scene. oh god theyre making bruce insecure about not having powers like the rest of the league. man who could've seen that coming. christ theres still 20 minutes left. FUCK AND A WHOLE SECOND MOVIE.

jess remains the coolest bitch in this movie. god why couldnt it be a jess green lantern movie.

lesbians on motorcycles, blah blah fight scene. oh god we're pretending batman is cool. fake flash? wheres real barry then :/ christ. they think this is a cool twist. tho possessed barry is pretty fun. god the actual canon explanation for making them teens was bc kilg%re figured the hormones would make them easier to fuck with.

obligatory "even teens can be leaders" speech. the determination of humanity or whatever.

HAAA BRUCE AND BARRY MORSE CODE COMMUNICATION. ok thats cute.

so smth smth final battle but theres a mysterious second bad guy so that they still have content for a second movie. i like how they show vixen's powers, that parts fun. jess does main character thing and kills big bad. bruces conflict about going home is resolved. cy goes and makes amends with nora and guy who likes nora, despite guy who likes nora being the one to cause all the conflict in the first place. they make the go home portals. set up for next movie.

#the rw/by stuff

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averyspoopedcorgi · 1 year

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for the ask game would you like to do eichi and mayhaps even.. tatsumi…….

atsa!!! i knew u were gonna give me tattsun lol but eichi is a welcomed suprise

i hope u dont mind some of my answers being short or shallow cuz I haven read many stories and most of my character thoughts are gibberish :,)

ok ei-chan first

favourite thing about them: his whole character, how complex he is the guilt he feels for his actions I like that he isn't some irredramable villain but just somebody who wanted to save something he loved dearly by any means possible (I hope I'm correct about the last part I haven't read about the war in a while) also half the batshit insane stuff he says is hilarious

least favourite thing about them : I have nothing I particularly hate about him I suppose he monologues are so long sometimes they make me wanna take a break from reading lol

favorite line: pretty mission epilogue only comes to mind from what I've read

brOTP: hell dorm but mostly aira, something about them bonding over their love for idols also chiaki i wanna see them interact more

OTP: the emperor and the his funny clown (wataei) have a vice on my heart

nOTP: romantic reichi or just him with any oddballs that aren't wataru or keito x eichi idk why they just rub me the wrong way

ramdom hadcanon: hell dorm movie which in reality r just aira and eichi watching idol mvs while rei snnnzzs

unpopular opinion: STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT HIM DYING WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YES YOU CAN HATE FOR THE SHIT HE PULLED BUT SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO REALISE THAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT A CHRONICALLY ILL MAN DOSENT MATTER IF HES FICTIONAL <- mad about marriage poll

song i associate with them: im soso sorry ive got nothing ; ;

favorite picture of them: babygirl or tiger eichi i cant pick

ok tattsun time!!!

favorite thing about them: the way he talks about his faith is so interesting....youd expect him to spout bible verses left and right but after reading feather touch and his conversation with aira just reshaped him in my mind, theres so much i like about him but this i what really scratched my brain

(also more meta but i like that him being chirstian isnt treated as a joke if that makes any sense )

also also vehicular manslaughter

least favorite thing about them: bastard will not come home no matter how hard i try. i wasted hot limit funds on his revival still nothing. i have every alk five star except him. what did i do tattsun senpai/hj

favorite line: feather touch but specifically the convo with aira. thats all

brOTP: aira and tatsumi. literally the senpai-kouhai friendship of all time

also christian rock drom with koga and leon theryre all besties canonically what else does a guy need (also they take leon on walks together and i think everyone should know that)

OTP: gee i wonder what it is *standing in front of a pile of tatsumayo fanart*

nOTP: idk really??? any of his juniors ig

random headcanon: koga taught him how to play the guitar!!! now you can always hear the distinct sound of christian rock from thier dorm room

he loves dogs like really loves dogs but could never own one cuz he lived in a church for most of his childhood so hes beyond overjoyed to share a dorm with leon

also cane user and bisexual tatsumi is soso real to me

unpopular opinion: stop treating him like hes some white queerphobic christian whats wrong with you people stop acting ;like every christian is terrible

song i associate with them: ah abuseken's christ and guchiry's orthodoxia

favorite picture of them: naur who let bro drive

#again im sorry if any of tjis sounds wrong im no good at getting my thoughts across TT #proxys barkings

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foxmenbetter · 2 years

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Findings I

A/n :i dont know if any of this will make sense sooo...gn reader,gn traveller,gn traveller's sibling. !English is not my first language, if you feel uncomfortable reading a fic with gramatical mistakes leave!

'He was.. interesting, to say the least. It was almost fascinating how fast he adapted to new situations. I didnt understand many things about him, but i still used these things to my advantage. I will win.

This was my free choice, even though it felt kinda forced, i agreed and I can't take it back it'll hurt my pride and i can't let that happane around him. He's too precious to me now.'

There exist groups of such dangerous guys that have control over a few gnosis of the archons.. i heard that the ballader ran away with the electro archon's gnosis and betrayed them. Now one is missing one is... well dead and one is constantly causing truble for them. Thats the world i live in.

If i had lived in Shneznaya and not in Liyue i would have probably known more about that, but I dont. All i can do now is try and help the traveller find their sibling based on my theories from the places i travelled to and try not to interefere with anything too dangerous... even though i already have getting in to that bet with him.

I just wanted to get some information out of him but he sure is tougher then he looks like he is. He flashes that smile and walks around like he knows is all.. i mean, he probably does but it still annoys everyone. The first time I met him he wasnt like that. He was standing in the rain looking deeply regretful about something he has done.

I think i walked in on him after a big fight.. i was visiting mondstat and saw him in the back of the dawn winery that's where we made that bet. I dont think i can actually call it a bet but rather a sort of promise, since we knew where we came from, its not suprising for me to try and reason him to come with me. But he saw me as a threat to his already almost ruined life.

"We live in lies, so you have to make a bet with me.. if you cant win this bet you will live with guilt." He looked at me for such a long time, i was wondering what my options we're live the life of bearing the curse with the 'sane' people of my nation or not. Its a pain, should i meet him or not?

"I... shall accept your bet, if you truly think I am someone suited to help guide him in this journey." I accepted his decision with doubts about ever finding him. "Alright then, you have as long as you need, after all you will be stuck here until you try and get rid of it, or become one with the other sinners that lost their 'self' "

This was some dangerous stuff, but when the traveller showed up, i knew what my duty was. Explain our current situation in full detail and make him my companion, companion for life, "Support his decisions, please, your sibling wants to take away our freedom without even realising it, they've become currupt from staying in that place they need your help! We have tried, multiple times, but they don't- no, won't understand or pleas."

Their eyes we're turning grim as i said that ."Why should i beleive you?" Right.. I dont even have a vision, i am a sinner, i dont have a delusion and most people dont think i can protect myself. Heck i dont even have the abbysal powers! When he saw that i was visionless of course he didnt beleive me! So i left, I dont have time to waste, especially not on this. "Its fine if you dont beleive me, just tell me if you see dainsleif, say my name to him, he'll remember." They were pondering for a bit and then finally answered "alright, i shall tell you."

So i left them, they'll learn the truth, maybe its the wrong time now but they'll come to me later. Its no use if i try to force them, Dainsleif probably has a plan for the traveller, and knowing him, it's probably better then mine. So i give up on this case for now, if he needs me, he knows where to find me. I may not be someone who sticks out too much but im not a see-through wall either.

My journey stopped halfway but im going strong now, im still gonna look for him, and present him with my evidence and claims. Its been so long since we last saw eachother and kaeya and the traveller didnt want to hear my insight on our situation. Im sure he'll understand me, he always did.

I travelled through the abbys firstly and tried to find 'the other sibling' while trying to avoid lethal effects of the elements in my world. I stood strong against enemies with my claymore if i could not avoid any interactions. I dont need their materials so i sold them for food, i sometimes collected ore to refine my weapon. Forging was difficult at the start and my hand became even more bruised and colloused then they already were.

I built a lot of muscle traveling in inazuma and felt as if i had built a certain amount of resistance to electro. Liyue and monstat were my most known theritories and for a challange i tried exploring the chasm and found many interesting things and left notes on the places only he would have been able to see and read.

'Im looking for you, please come find me.

-Yours truly'

was often a thing said in my notes. Even if he shall not remember me, i always will remember him. I still hoped he did though, it would be pretty painfull if he didn't..

#genshin x reader #genshin impact #dainsleif x reader

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repulsivechameleon · 2 years

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Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

#last days #goodbye #last words #its not that deep #grow up #living with bpd

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luisa323 · 2 years

Text

Please come back home

Warnings: talking about death, passing out, yelling, one or two cuss words

It was just what people would say was a normal day because the sun is shining and all the Madrigal family are doing their daily chores. But little does everyone know there is a specific Madrigal family member who isn’t feeling to great but has to put up a facade and act all okay because she is the oldest and the golden child. Her chores where things like “Can you fill my pool back up?” “I need water in my pond again.” “The lake is running low on water can you refill it?” and other things that have to do with water.

I was running around Encanto trying to get all my chores done before nightfall. All my family is already done with theirs and Tía Juli is making dinner and it should be ready soon. I told them I might not be able to eat tonight because while I was finishing the chores I had other people saw me and asked if I could do other things as well and me bring the oldest and the “golden child” I have no choice but to do them. Finally when I’m doing my last chore which is the most draining one but doesn’t need to be done often. Filling the late back up at the entrance of Encanto. I start heading back to the house and on my way home I stop and get something for my mama because I know how hard it is to always act happy and give the people what they want. So I got her a few sweets and a stuffed animal for her to cuddle oh and a stress ball. I found out that those can be very helpful at times. Now I’m home and it’s dark inside so that means everyone is in their beds and dinner is done so I go into the kitchen and start making myself food so I don’t starve. I tried to be quite but turns out I didn’t do a good job at that seeing as Abuela is now down here starting to yell at me.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING iN HERE? YOU SHOULD HAVE EATEN WITH THE FAMILY IF YOU WANTED TO EAT!”

“Yeah well if I wasn’t stuck doing chores all night I wouldn’t have missed dinner!”

At this point the entire Madrigal family had gotten woken up and rushed down here to see what was going on. I could see Dolores covering her ears and I mouthed to her “go upstairs” so she didn’t have to bear this since her room is sound proof.

“YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN DOING CHORES ALL DAY AND BIGHT IF YKY WEREN’T LAZY!”

“ME? LAZY? THATS THE LAST THING I AM! I AM STRESSED BUT YOU CANT SEE IT YOU NEVER DO! IE HAD MY POWER FOR 20 YEARS AND ALL YOU ABD THE VILLAGE HAVE BEEN DOING IS WASTING IT ON YOURSELVES! ITS VERY SELFISH AND UNFARE TO ME!”

“HOW HAVE WE BEEN SELFISH YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP THE VILLAGE AND NOT COMPLAIN!”

“IVE TRIED BUT ALL YOU GUYS EVER DO IS USE MY POWER AND DON’T CARE ABOUT THE EFFECT IT HAS ON ME! I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP COUNTLESS NIGHTS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY TIME I DON’T HAVE TO ACT LIKE THE “PREFECT GOLDEN CHILD” ALL THE DAMN TIME!”

I didn’t notice as I was ranting my eyes started watering and then suddenly I lost control of my power and almost drowned the entire family but casita helped everyone get out even Dolores who was sleeping since she went back upstairs. Once everyone was out I looked at the house and realized everything was ruined all because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Next thing I did was look at my family, my mama Pepa was holding a shaken Antonio and hugging Papa because she was also shaken. Next I look at Dolores and realize she passed out because she was in the water so long, and that’s when it clicked I almost killed my entire family. Definitely gave them trama at least a bit. That’s when I realized I’m a burden to the family I’m useless and not wanted or needed so I ran. I ignored Mama’s pleads for me to come back and stay but k couldn’t now when I was so close to killing my family.

20 years later

It’s been 20 years and here I am at the lake right outside of Encanto that I used to refill, it looks fine. I debated on coming back so much but now I finally had at least a little bit of a gut to come back. Not enough to actually enter though. After me standing there for about two or so hours I finally decide to go in. It’s around dinner time so when I knock on the door it takes a second for someone to open it. Tía Juli opened the door and when she saw me she immediately had tears in her eyes.

“Y/N? Your back?”

All I did was nod my head cause I didn’t think I could say anything. Mama then walks over from the dinning room.

“Juli what is taking so lo-”

She looked at the door and her eyes went wide and ran into me and gave me a bear hug with tears in her eyes. I had a feeling she would do this so I had my arms open ready for her to jump into my arms and over the years I’ve gotten stronger so I didn’t get knocked down when she ran into me.

“Y/N, your really back?”

“Yeah Mama I’m back, and I’m not leaving”

Then she started to get angry which I can’t blame her for it I was gone 20 years and as she is somewhat yelling at me she was hitting my chest and crying harder so I just held her to try and get her to calm down.

“How could you have left the family! We needed you Y/N, I needed you you where the person I could talk to if I needed it and Filed wasn’t there. Your sister and brothers cried when you left we all did. You can’t just leave like that.”

“I know I know I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking that night that the fight happened. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen I felt so guilty and I realized I almost killed you all and so I though it was better if I left, turns out I was wrong. I’m loved here I belong here with you Papa, Lores, Milo, and Tonio and the rest of the family. I’m sorry Mama. Please forgive me.”

“I forgive you my sweet darling girl I always will.”

At this point both of us where crying and the entire family was by the front door and Lores, Milo, Tonio and Papa all gave me and Mama a big group hug. Shortly after everyone calmed down and settled in we ate and talked and I shared stories about me being away and I was never away from Mama for long because I missed her warm touch and she missed mine. That night it felt like everything was normal again.

A/N: I saw a story like this but R had fire powers and almost burned the entire house down and her mom Juli had a burn that scared half of her face. If who ever made that sees this tell me so I can @ you and give you credit for the idea because I don’t want to take this as my own but if I find who wrote it first I’ll @ you and if I don’t please remind me. Anyway hope you have a great day/night or afternoon wherever you are, and don’t forget to eat or drink something even if it’s a bit. Anything even little things count for something.

Lots of love,

El❤️

#pepa madrigal #encanto #Pepa x daughter reader #water powers

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pinkadork · 21 days

Text

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

#gonna start uploading #when i stop im just done

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mean-hare · 11 months

Text

diary 12-13 (april-may)

will not edit and erase mistakes bc fuck it, nobody will read dis shit anyways

april, 1 i was visiting a zoo with my parents for a few hours. i walked there by myself staring at all the creatures. this is a good zoo, animals were curious and active. some animals slept in their warm dens. this spring is pretty cold. there were many cats: caracal, black and plain leopards, white and common tigers, lynxes, servals, pumas, lions, wildcats, fishercats. there were white and red wolves. red ones stared at me as well. i gave carrots for llamas and goats. i sometimes i can gaze a lot. my parents were waiting for the end of my gazing in nearby cafe. i can guess that there was tasty food but way too much loud human children. i had an only meal at evening after wenting to a local shop for another pack of milk and stuff. things. items. sounds suspiciously. i just cant remember what i ve got and ate after all.

april, 2 i had to walk with my dog. the evening was cold, lonely. orange dots of flaming cigarets glowed into the dark in the hands of rare strangers. my clothes were too cold. i craved tea. i also craved lying on an asphalt but my mother recently washed my coat and i didnt want to waste her work. my dog didnt want to walk more than 30 munutes. he was recently trimmed and felt cold i think. or just didnt like this weather. everybody thought that spring will be warmer. i like it cold.

april, 3 ive got a new clipper, its cheap, blue and absolutely cursed. i mean. when i click it in 9 of 10 clicks it doesnt work but starts to smell like a benzene or kerosene or wtf is that. but when works it throws 10 cm high flame. sometimes not from the main hole but from some hidden crack on a side. and when it doesnt throw flame it squirts with dewdrops of a kerosene or benzene or whatever is this on my fingers with every click. fuckin hell, its weird and funny and increase risk of accidental arson. a posessed item.

april, 4 note on some piece of paper from this day:"shop: drinks, snacks" which? what? so? wery smart, the past me, i dont remember.

april, 5 18:30. family bond with my dog. really noir day with some fine noir jazz. late evening, felt cold, walked that cold concrete pathes of forlornificated city part, just me and my dog patrik. it starting to snow. tiny dots of snow melted on a concrete for now but cars were covered in that thin veil of cold white dust.

april, 6 keep going thru the snow to a far market to buy specific kinds of snacks and sodas just because i have random shitty cravings sometimes. streets were like the end of the world in north city edge (its not really norht tho). ground is flooded by snow, both solid and melted. my waterproof shoes are not waterproof anymore. people are ugly as always. i feellike i will faint and fall and they will be even uglier and more hostile. so many snow. im so dizzy, nobody can understand how…

april, 7 i think about summer with anxiety. i sleep in clothes because it helps me to feel better by not seeing my body and also jeans are my comfy texture. thats even decrease my s/h. but what will i do in summer when even being naked is too hot. i cant stand even though about my bare skin, about skin rubbing skin. i dont want it!!! i dont want it!!! when will that legendary undernourished everlasting ana cold feeling will ascent to me?? please i want to be able to wear clothes in hot weather. id rather freeze than thrive in heat.

april, 8 tomorrow my aunt will come from italy. im a little concerned. like im a dirty creature with trash covered room, stained clothes and just jenerally unclean and unsanitary guy. and she have almost a mania about clean and tidy. i even dirtier than before bc my cleaning abilities are decreased, disfunction or depression made it or whatever, anyway i cant help. and also. she saw me before when i was skinny. shit. i dont want she to see me miserable and fat like this. i will cover myself in oversized clothes as always but i dont think it helps.

april, 9 it wasnt that bad (i mean my aunt, not an intake, i ate too much chocolate but that could be worse too). she doesnt come in my room, im not leaving it often either. she gave me a few cool print clothes. tshirt with flaming guitar, another one with dragon and weird crop hoodie with girl from anime i never watched and know about only from one very dumb meme (not even related to an actual anime). i guess that in this boring-plain-minimalistic-fashion era many can say that these tees are tasteless or outdated or something but for me stuck in 2008 they are great! also she bring tea with different tastes, black and green ones. it was my order. she also got so many cheese and meat, like expensive foreign ones. i think my father is exited, he loves cheese.

april, 10 i was send to 2 markets to buy butter, two kinds of bread and lemon juice. i was in 2 of them bc they dont have that kind of bread and juice everywhere and the second market was just cheaper. i didnt buy many things for me myself, just a canned tea, some chips and little choco bar. i buy much less food than before. feels like im just bored or something.

april, 11 almost every day my mom an her sister (my aunt) are going somewhere. my mom showed me her plans, its a visits to the doctors, relatives, graves of another relatives. boring stuff for elder peeple. theres nothing in the fridge but all those fuckin cheese and meat. i dont really fan of cheese but i munched one, the kind with a special moldy core. i didnt eat that core. my mom sometimes laughing at me because of it but that is. i love that special creamy taste but i hate that tasteless moldy crust.

april, 12 i was sent again to buy a butter and latvian bread again. also the milk. i spent more than hour and went to a 4 markets to find that bread and only found the last one pack in the last market. its just the kind of a gray bread with seeds, idk why it was so popular today. i dont really eat it but my parents love it. all the extra money i spent on drinks. also spicy chips, i cant help but buy that, i fuckin missed it. also ive got very cheap and small bag of turkish mint candies. they tasted like confusion and very y2k-ish i spent the night by drinking that drinks and drawing stupid things, then i somehow somewhy watched the boondocks series for 5 hours long and then went to the kitchen, realized that all people left, munch some cold palacsintas (pancakes with curd), read few articles about ukrainian gays (one article was very homophobic) and felt asleep with the noise on the background. i slept for maybe jusy a few minutes, april, 13 then i woke up, fed my dog, ate one more palacsinta, drank the last can of energy drink, started to watch cartoon about trolls and then felt asleep again, woke up by my dog, drank an energy leftovers, was still very sleepy but had to walk with a dog. he was very good boy today so i gave him dog candies. i stoped feeling sleepy but now im feeling dizzy and a little feverish. it may be because of too much caffeine. or not. im not the doctor and dont want to go to one. we die like men lol. im trying now to count calories. it cant be too much but i cant get my head into thinking.

april, 14 some days i think that my legs are thinner and knees are sharper. i always end up denying it. theres no way to prove it anyway and its dangerous to believe that i become better if actually im degrading. illusions arent ok. i most likely didnt become thinner.

april, 15 weather became awfully warm and light. nights are still cold, i lay under a thick blanket. i can not sleep wel. wake up every day at the morning after only few hours of sleep. thats disgusting, bad, i hate it.

april, 16 my aunt made 2 lasagnas. one was cheese one, just for me bc i dont eat meat. i never ate lasagnas before. so i had this dinner right after unexpected exhausting pre dinner nap (it started happening with me sometimes and i hate it). i ate only a half, maybe a little more, it was very filling. mom put leftover in fridge. she will heat it for me when i will ask. i can forget about it and so it can gone bad. and im not saying about fake 'forget" as an excuse to skip meals, i really can forget. i just recall that theres still a piece of my lavash laing in a bread basked for few weeks now. i hope its not moldy yet. i also tend to forget about yogusts so they spoil and i should throw them away. i hate wasting food…

april, 17 im watching skins seres for a few days now. they are very stupid, its fascinating. cassie is especially stupid and annoying (i dont hate her, she is just very annoying. just like affy) . and i dont know why, but the stupidest ana inspo is the most working. maybe its just some nostalgia for oldschool proana blogs that posted that stupidest quotes with that specific pics of headless skinny bodies. yeah. nostalgia is shit…

april, 18 today was the last day of my aunt presence and mom bought cake. i allowed myself a piece. my mom had sore throat. i was sleepy too early again. went to sleep at 1 am. i dont want to sleep that early! i loved the pleasure of late sleeps and wakes. i was a little dizzy. im dizzy all the time nowadays and getting angry. i argued with my last friend (on internet) because of doctors (i hate all the psychiatrists and when i think about them i become angry. ive never met a good one in whole my life) i write to danny who used to be my friend. i said that i will be thin. thinner than him, his girlfriend and everybody he knows and respects. he wrote "bruh". i said that i still dont understand the meaning of this message. he said that he doesnt understand many of my messages. i said that i always try to explain when he asks but he never ask. he doesnt care to understand. he didnt answer. maybe he didnt even read that message, as he does often. im angry at him, at his promise to always be my friend that lasted until he found his girlfriend and forget about me,im angry that he was the first guy i tried to be good and faithful friend with, i really tried, and he just broke everything in that stupid way. im angry and im sad. i think he could like me more and spend a little more time with me if i was skinny, at least because he could feel sorry for me, feel guilt, anything. anyway all the people that say that they dont care about your appearance are lying. they care. maybe i could never have his respect. anyway. im determined. i will do it. i will mess up sometimes but i will do it. "you will lose your friends because of your ed" perfect. i already have none.

april, 19 today my aunt moved away at morning. i slept at that time. i had a dream as if my neighbor burned something - there was a big burned out black pitch on the lawn and the air smelled like burning. also me and my mom searched someone in a hospital. at the end of a dream i kissed a pretty suicidal boy. it was cool. i bought many drinks and overcaf myself as always. bought a cool clipper with eagle. actually i consume more than planned but i also walked more so i hope it burned the excess. walked with my dog in evening. he is happy i guess.

april, 20 i was so active. changed many things in my room. full of work. too much green tea on my table. i can not drink all of it. so many things changed their location. room looks bigger now. my mom still ill so she asked me to buy some oranges (fuckin vitamin c) so i went to the mall. i never ever buy fruits before. i always know how to do it and always could do it, no issues with it. i just dont like to do it, like put them in a bag, weight and so on. im too lazy for it lol. i met a cassier boy i have a crush on. well i dont like the crush term. maybe beloved will sounds better? one i love? emotional evoking boy. everything sounds stupid in this stupid language. i met him at the fruit aisle. i bought some stuff and headed away with an eskimo icecream. boy ended his work at the same time. it happens that our roads crossed for a few minutes. it was uh.. i love to have a time with him in it. well we just walked the same street and there were at least 5 meters between us and all the interaction were just my stare and a few awkward smiles. he went home. i guess i know where he lives now. anyway it doesnt change anything. im capable for nothing more than gaze and smile. hes lucky. im so miserable.

april, 21 morning is for sweet cheese candies. noon is for coffee. evening is for cheese lasagna leftovers. i used so many napkins and spent a lot of time to whip off all that fat and oil out of this meal. night im watching crime series while trying not to fall asleep too soon. feeling kinda stomachachy. fvck this day.

april, 22 i recalled my memories about the times of school and psych waed. it made me sick aand destroyed my future. i wish i could just forget it all. i have another awful memory. its about when i threw away my toys when considered myself too grown up for them (13-15 y.o. i think). i never ever trully regret about anything i ever did to humans and i did many things that considered bad and mean. but i always regret painfully about that toys i betrayed. it eats me out every day. i wis i could just delete all my memories.

april, 23 i dont talk with anyone. dont chat. i can not talk with people without being irritated. i feel myself dismissed. i have too many things and thoughts that people dont like to hear and i bring these up. i cant help but being like this. my already weak contact with humans is getting weaker and i dont even care really anymore. heaven know i tried but im too different. i feel myself superior but i may be not, the only i know for sure is that im different and im irritated. fuck them all, fuck them, fuck them. i can lay in my den on clutter, pensils, clothes, towels and toys again. i can sleep like this. i can hide under that thick blanket with gay disney kittens and drift away while imagining hands and hair of guys i saw in sleep, they showed me love. one of them has long black hairand maybe asian skin. second has long brown dreadlocks and burntcaramelcoloured skin. i feel it like in somewhat disordered times of 2016. sick and dreamlike. i felt like i can start levitating soon. im away, im different, im holy and lonely and full of bright worlds. i used to play the guitar with too many flanger effect then, i guess its time to start playing again, even if i cant play and guitar is out of tune, anyway i cant do anything good anymore.

april, 24 everything is in bloom but the veather is very cold now. its like a snowless winter. plants are loosers.

april, 25 zero cola, energy can, some lowcal munch. tea with grape flavor in 8 dirty mugs. walked my dog, saw many others dogs. evening streets are good looking because of lights of modern lanterns and white neon shops lights. pets are smart asses. doggy learned how to open the doors to my rooms and often do it without my consent when i go to the market or literall at any time he wants to come and lay on my matress and cover my jeans with drools. and cat runs to my room and a)just walks b)doing some annoying shit. i have to admit: he is very annoying for me. i dont hate or hurt him but i dont really like him in my room. he is tiring like an active child. i know it well, im my own child.

april, 26 refilled myself with spice and drinks. walked my dog. walk was ok i guess.

april, 27 i started to drink because i woke up, my sleep was rudely interrupted, and didnt want to feel dizzy (spoiler: it didnt help). i made a cup of cofe and few of tea. then i started to feel symptoms of the overcaff dizziness. i went to a market to buy something tasty and waking bc i became suddenly sleepy. i got it and walked away with coffee cola in my hand. also i decided that i shouldnt tke energy drinks on an empty stomach so i ate some chips. then i finished cola, drank old energy drink with new taste. i wasdrinking e drink with cannabis (not drugs) when my laptop failed with connection again. i put some music. curled under the blanket, i feel dizzy and cold.

april, 28 a mess.

april, 29 whats up? few tv series? some tea and random snacks? nothing interesting? waste of time. dry and dull anger out of desperation and sadness.

april, 30 doing boring stuff in my room

may, 1 i decided to spend my money on zero soda and new tastes of icecream (icecream is my safe food)

may, 2 i walked a dog. i think we have a good connection. he shows me directions he wants to go and i decide if we go, he behaves very well, he understands my gestures, it seems like he just minds his own business andi mind mine but he looks for me and knows that i will lead and hepl him if it needed

may, 3 my dad came for a few hours and leaved again (because of work, as always). i drank milk leftouts and walk a dog. i always walk him at evening when dads not home.

may, 4 i woke up at 18. i was in the market, saw a boy i have a crush on, my hed spinned and i almost blacked out. but nobody notised it (at least i think so) dad returned, walked a dog, i ate few cheap candies, drank a new monster and joined another discord server.

may, 5 i found out another my bad habit. i bite my lip piercing metal all the time. its ugly and diy and by biting i make it even uglier, i chew out its black dye. my teeth are swelling a little, and piercing places are too. idk how i still do it without any problems or infections. this habit is annoyng as hell even for myself. i cant stop.

may, 6 so, suslique, i thought looking at my cat ron ("suslique" ad i call every cat) munching a stealed dog fodder and purring out loud, i like you more than i hate you, ur teencat shitto, funny as a fuck"

may, 7 i was so ugly today when i went out for cheap milk and cheap chips and expensive clippetr again. i chilled at the rusty stairs of an abandoned building when saw the old man below who put his big bag on the grass, said "hop!" and released his pug from it. pug was very old and a little crippled. that grandpa bring him there to walk on the grass. people on crowded streets stared on me. i didnt feel goodlooking, i think i was especially unatracteive. i have bnged at night. i hate myself and i have reasons for it.

may, 8 i woke up at 18 and then went away bc of neighbors catasthrophic drills. i still overcome my intake limits somehow

may, 9 all the fuckin mornin i couldnt sleep. then i slept maybe 2 hours till 16, laid for a hour interrupted by my dog who asked to in and out of my rooom for too many times and then again the drills, im on a street and i hate it.

may, 10 i bonged on my moms failed cookies lol.actually theyre not that bad but theres too much flavour in them, it feels weird and hurts my stomach a littl but idc. i usually dont care about my stomach.

may, 11 made a blog for selfies. time to be a king of shame. actually i often take selfies but then delete. sometimes i regret. i have a few pics from 2016, its so weird to see my skin without all these marks, scars and scabs.

may, 12 its so hard to remind myself again that i dont need to buy food all the time, that my fav food will always be and i dont need to buy it all the time i go i that shop because in fact its not always there. its fuckin ukraine with fuckin problems andi will be the last asshole for everyone bc " theres people suffering and dying in other regions and here you are in a safe warm house whinning about lack of marsmallows or anything" but this is my diary that nobody reads anyway so i can say what i want. i dont feel anything about people. i have nothing to say more for now.

may, 13 i was just chillin, indin my bznez and then my mom came and said "do you wanna see the australias song on a eurovision? i think you ll like it". i did. oh shit how i liked it! i loved. mom watched online translation and i saw cuts of all ev2023 songs. most of them was shit exept for maybe 5 of them. my mom sms-voted for poland but polish show and song was shit, i felt offended by it and well…it was the first time i woted in eurovision. for australia of course. those cool longhaired dudes in shiny jackets deserve everything. as a ukraine living guy i feel sad for ukrainian band, it was boring and shitty. and as a hungarian im very sad about hungarian homophobic politics because of which hungary didnt play in a contest.

may, 14 i found out results of contest and was offended by them for maybe a hour, bragged a little, liked few posts about stupid judges and then i found that it all doesnt matter, australia still ma winner, few other cool guys alo rule. i listened a voyager songs and couldnt fall asleep, i guess i was very stimulated by all of it and by too much sugar and caffeine intake, again, holy shit!

may, 15 another day of bread with cheese an teen series.

may, 16 and then another day when i must walk away because of drills. with money in my emo bagpack. endless shops saving me from awful heat and blinding sun but destroying my weight and consuming my cash.

may, 17 hungry rotting feeling. trying to kill it with tea but tea will only make it worse.cold tea of yesterday. sick feeling inside.

may, 18 i understood why i didnt harmed myself so long. i walk and sleep in jeans and take them of only in toilet or whet taking a bath. so legs covered and left untouched most of the time.i can hurt hands of course but it much more visible and suspicious. i dont need my parents to see.

may, 19 i walking my dog patrik a little earlier than always. hes 9 y old,still funny and lively but age is showing. he cant hold himself for long. i think he will need 3 walks per day instead of long 2. when he looks into my eyes with his beautiful big brown melancholick eyes i can see a gray and white hairs around his eyes. his muzzle was always gray but these hairs are definiteky signs of old. i am afraid of future, for real. im afraid about my dog. i have nobody else, i love nobody but him. he can be really selfish and annoying but i cand imagine how to be without him.

may, 20 it was awful bc i slept for only 3 or four hours and i could sleep more but fuckin neighbors with their drills didnt allowed it so i was on the street vlinded by the sun where shitheaded old fuckers chase away old homeless doggiesaway from the places near playgrounds and i cant protect dogs from them bc i am mute. i was upset and flush away feelings with a cola which made me bad. i strayed a little, didnt move too much. i sat on the weird place near the playground but protected from others by piece of wall of 70cm heigh. nobody interested in that place anymore. and it looks like asmall abandoned stage made of bricks and concrete. there was a bench by the wall but it was covered in trash so i sat directly onthe concrete stage. i drank an energy drink with juice, watched the red stray tomcat. i also founda little plush horse, took it with me and wash with a shampoo. its drying now in my room. i drank coffee all the day and at the end looked and felt like 7 weeks old zombie. when i walked with a dog some kids laughed at me, sweared. i really dont understand why. i looked at myself in the mirror and couldnt understand whats so funny, whats wrong with me, what makes me hilarious.i couldnt find. im wasnt really outstandish, nothing to stare to laught. and yet people stare and laugh, every single day. tonight i binged because of nerves

may, 21 i just sat in my room, watched american old wideos, ate few pieces of plain bread, drank teas and lemon water.

may, 22 tried less fat oven baked chips, theyre surprisingly very tasty. new low cal juice icecream named volcano was also tasty but made my hands icky. i was taking very hot bath and almost blacked out. its a bad habit. bathroom was all foggy and soggy, i listened to lifelover dramatically. just when i finished taking my clothes on all the light in house went off. mom said sometimes it will be like this in summer bc they should repair the wires and everything like that which was damaged bu russian weapons.

may, 23 thats so bad and painful when you cant wear your only good jeans and have to walk around in some beige shorts or godforbidden sport pants. i trully hate all the trousers fabrics that are not denim.

may, 24 i know that i could been writing much more interesting diary and even make a book just out of it if just i have an interesting life with people and actions in it. or if i could lie realistically. but i cant so i dont. anyway i often think that one who will read this wouldnt trust me. somehow i have some kins of fear of untrust almost all my life.

may, 25 i cant cope with my life. i never could.

may, 26 today was good honestrly. i had to roam again. but today was bday of my plush dog sasha. i took him with me in my bagpack. it starts raining, normally id didnt mind but i dint know how kong i will stray and it would be very uncomfy with wet clothes on so i stood under the arc for some time, then i came to the clothest market, got icecream and cola, sat in little playhouse on the nearest playground and read kurt vonnegut book from library. playhouse was cool, it had stars painted on its roof.im sure i looked weird in that place for people passing by but i didnt care too much. when rain ends i walked to the mall. theres many clothes shops but i came to watch the landscape only, theres 4 or 5 floors and i watched on this shitty city thru the big window on each floor. city looked not that bad. then i walked into another store and bought pepsi mango. i dont remenber what happened after that but it wasnt good probably.

may, 27 junkfood, blackcola & darkjazZ ' may, 28 me, dog and my parents was at the countryside. it was desolate because nobody lives there after grandpas death, only chikens, bees and skinny cat. im sorry for the cat. sometimes grandpas children come there. my dad did something in garage, my mom cleaned the fridge because there was rotten food. patrik walked around. everybody waited for some old man who will take beehives. what i did: found 5 meters of chain, big scissors, club of wires, scissors and bottle of carbonatedwater and decide to take it all with me walked on the pasture until it was too hot hugged with a horse. it was lightbrown or maybe red breedless mare, country working horse. she was so cuddly. petted that skinny cat until patrik chase her away drank green tea and another bottle of carbonated water read books of ukrainian folk tales with pictures of beautiful longhaired boys layed on the sofa listening to mamaleek and making stupid selfies took pictures of toys i bring with me (toy horses, toy dogs, toy cars, enchantimals girl from kinder surprise? bunny arsonist) dancing and running to techno or whatever rhytmic music in that big room with sofa. walked with mom to the nearest shop for ice cream observed mare and cute foal who wanted to play with my dog but his mom scared him away. finally the foal came to me and touched my hand by his muzzle. draw my dog with halk organized buttons from box by colour (i loved this "game"in my childhood so much) watered plants in pots nobody planted for maybe months (sadly the big palm tree was dead) tumbled/somersaulted in same big sofa room (such a big space, i thought i shoud use it)

may, 29 went onto the field behind the city with my dog. walked there fast so insects couldnt bite us. sunset, moonrise. i even felt like a horse and runned there a little. pathway in high untouched wild grass. good time.

may, 30 i hate children and teens, because they laughing at me, even those goodlooking one are laughing at me, fuck off little pieces of shit, whats so hilarious you find in me to mock?!

may, 31 the reclusive road by consciousness removal project this is the song i listen slowed and reverbed way too much in especially sad and lonely night..

#ed bllog #disorder #mhwnbcb

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