#thats as deep as my brain rot can go :P

[d1gnan]

here's a little deep dive on the fight club necklace / my process in general hehe

i put like way too much thought into all my jewelry and this is about to be the most in depth ive actually ever gone about my process so sorry in advance 4 how long winded i am

(and if ur new to my jewelry i get everything secondhand and i upcycle so i source from places like estate sales/thrift stores/antique malls/ebay/shop frum peoples personal collections etc )

i think the necklace and the original paper street bracelet i made speak the same visual language as the paper street house pretty well because i sourced most of it from some of my oldest and most visually ornate jewelry finds.

a lot of the beads from this one are actually from this really dope older lady i knows collection/more specifically from a costuming warehouse in nyc and the jewelry is just so ornate and crazy and out of style, i imagine they were once worn by the kind of people that wouldve gotten their soup peed in so its kind of fun to reclaim them for something like this

when i went to go look thru my stash i was specifically thinking of chipping wallpaper and pulling anything that evoked that to me-kind of corny for a second, but i love beat up old houses visually and theres something so cool about the juxtaposition of ornate/destroyed. layerS and layers of beautiful print made sad and irrelevant by its surroundings. these (the houses and the jewelry) were luxurious and cool and trendy at one point and now theyre completely obsolete and funny. i honestly think the whole thing screams tyler durdens philosophy also

( a beautiful thing destroyed, the performance of put-togetherness+ wealth, putting stake in material goods+trends only for them to be completely stripped away by time )

but anyway yeah when u put these glamorous old things together with stuff like keys and charms that don't match and mix gold/silver, you get this really lived in and sick junk drawer effect, and when you pair pale whites with pale greens it can kind of give a souring/moldy/aged look

little more specific callouts tho for references (left to right)

golf club charms r pretty obvious

the green engraved stone i grabbed immediately because it gives the old wallpaper feeling i was going for

theres this golden charm that's kinda like a kitschy grandma charm, it says "1 minute/1 hour/1day/1week/1year/1leapyear/1century" and i put that as a reference to "this is your life and its ending one minute at a time"/"i am jacks wasted life" and i also think it works on another level/kindamatches with fight clubs irony since its like supposed to be a cutie love commitment idk at least 2 me hahaha

the little step ladder charm and the key i added so that it would read as yeah a dirty old unfinished house/kinda a visual junk drawer..the key i got at an estate sale (i got a bunch and had to make key soup to clean them all)it opens something somewhere

the dog vaccination tag is there both as a reference to the guy that they threaten but then also slightly as a nod to the narrators wacked self esteem the whole like puppy dog obsession aspect IDK

theres a little P and S charm for paper street

the freshwater pearl at the end and the plastic bone shaped bead are kind of supposed to give teeth/bones like subconsciously, i tried a kind of similar thing when i made jewelry based off of pearl from X and tried to make like a rotting looking necklace

theres a little coke bottle cracker jack toy on there too, if ur trying to condense fight club into symbols, glass bottles pop up in my brain so i wanted to find something like that and i got lucky. theres also a little green telescope cracker jack toy thats kind of rusty and i picked it up for how well it matched what i was going for visually but i feel like it could also be a space monkeys thing

any way thanks for looking at this, like i said this is the deepest ive ever gone into depth about my process, but this is why im so drawn to creating jewelry it feels like taking a picture or finishing a puzzle i just do it in a really specific way and it always feels fresh and new when i start a new project, (i definitely dont always have this much to say i promise) but any way hope this was cool

#d1gsart #talk tag #fight club #jewelry

[sobliterate]

from echo

Last Saturday at 5:45 PM

8/24/2019

ok.... every time i start to try to like, type this out my mind goes to hell and i'm tempted to just delete everything and disappear, reasons keep changing and i cant make my mind up about anything, so uh, thats part of the problem... it makes me feel sick to my stomach to talk about whats really going on in my head when i'm no longer able to handle hearing others talk about whats going on in theirs, and my mind just goes like "well, if i dont want to hear people, and i dont want to talk to people, why.... am i hear again?"... and it doesnt matter if like you two are ok with things being one sided, it must be mutual for me, i've spent the past few months shreading every aspect of my personality trying to make some configuration work, and it's just making me so much more neurotic... and i just cant handle anything "extra" thats outside of my own head anymore, it's not even about negativity or like expressing any kind of stress.... i'm mentally capped out on trying to rewire my head so i dont end up as a 30 year old still living in his pops basement, and even trying to think of how to stay hello back to a person totally breaks me and i spiral out of controll, and i try to hide that so i dont make other people worry about me, or add extra stress to what ever they're already dealing with, which just builds it into somthing that risks having me go off the deep end... i'm stuck in the middle of trying to progress myself to somthing respectable and dealing with my brain trying to totally sabotage and mutilate my mind and body...and i dont want to talk about this, i dont want to hear sympathy or understanding, i dont want judgment or tough love... i can keep my ass in check when i dont factor in anyone else, but the moment i switch to thinking about how i'm effecting someone, whats the right thing to say and why, when to sympathise and when to understand, when to be honest when it feels like being honest would be kicking them while they're down.... trying not to let them know that they might be affecting me in anyway negative, i snap, and it takes everything i have to get myself under controll before i do somthing stupid like bitting a chunk out of my arm, dissapearing and saying fuck having any kind of connection with anyone, or go bat shit and suddenly start taking it out on the other person... whats fucked up, is that i know if i did leave, i'd regret it like hell, but my mind would stabilize entirely, for reasons i'm still not 100% sure why but i have some ideas... but i cant... because i still care, and i know i mean somthing to people, so i'm locked in, with no way to vent that lines up with how i want to behave... i dont even know what that means, i feel like i'm set in stone in my mindset, but i cant accept that, because i have to get better to move on in life, but it's all fucking interconnected, and i'm finding resistance everywhere in my head, my will to keep trying and find a better life keeps my ass alive, and it's 1000% motivated by insanely strong emotions, trying to dull my emotions down to somthing that i can manage and move forward in life without cracking has me scared that i'll just shatter whats keeping my ass alive... because i've decided a long time ago that i'll never change that, but now i'm being asked to and it's breaking me...total loneliness isnt the answer... i care too much about people for that to ever be the answer, and it's not just one sided, i want to make people happy, i want to help in anyway i can, but i cant stomach putting my own needs in front of others, because it feels like if i did i'd lose any kind of fucked up sense of self value and i'd just give up entirely and be fine with rotting away.... but trying to find a place in a friendship while also trying to manage my brain is way WAY too much to deal with, and i'm just swimming in an ocean of stress and anxiety thats constantly threatening  to drown me.... anything and everything being said to me just sets me off and i lose control... i need to leave... i need to get away so the only person i think about is myself so i can focus on fixing this fucking disaster of a brain... but leaving would hurt other people... taking away somthing that i mean to them... and that breaks me even more... because i dont want to make them worry, i dont want them to think i'm going to do somthing drastic or terrible to myself... so i'm just left sitting there... getting torn apart between these two thoughts and it's been stripping away my identity, i dont know how i want to act, who i want to become, how i want to be viewed by others... so.... this is me asking... just please stop talking to me for a while, i need it, i'll be fine, dont you dare worry about me because that'll break me, but i wont cut ties... i'll still be here, and i'll speak up once i've put out the fires and riots in my head @_@ok i'm going to be quiet now, but please dont worry about me i'll be fine, but i really do need to be left alone @_@

take care of yourself, i'll be trying to do the same :P

-lucas/@echo