#that's why i have been all over the place thru this healing process i think; i don't want to excuse anything but i need to understand

[quinloki]

Hahaha jokes on you for saying people are qualified to speak to you bc now I’m even more encouraged to send you my thoughts

Jk. But I appreciate your acceptance of them. I’m currently trying to bully my IRL bestie to hurry tf up on getting thru one piece bc right now my options are limited like she’s in enies lobby now and I’m like pls… at least get to post time skip… I can scream about Law and Marco then

Omg ok so it’s peak squirrel brain hours for me rn so lemme try to tell you about this brainrot I’ve been having.

I literally have no idea where it came from but modern au, you’re a patron at thatch’s bar, you go there often and are friendly with thatch bc he’s a nice guy. Friends with Luffy. You go to said bar, having a great time with your friends, whitebeard crew shows up bc it’s thatch’s place obvi, but some other crew busts in trying to pick a fight. Somehow you get yoinked as a hostage bc the other crew wants to fight somewhere else (a trap duh) and it’s not a situation where they can get you out safe so they’re like yes we’ll fight you at this location but Marco is like I wanna come too, prolly cause he feels responsible maybe you were by the whitebeard crew bc you were luffy’s friend or you were flirting with Marco and that’s why you got snatched

And the baddies they’re like fine fine but it’s seastone cuffs. They got beef with him or something so they were down, plus having one of their fighters tapped out seemed smart

So you go off with them and both of you are just subconsciously trying to protect the other Marco even has you come sit on his lap bc the sketchy van you’re put in has stuff all over the floor and you’re wearing shorts/skirt and it’s conveniently freezing in the van so like, y’all can warm eachother up

And the baddies are like oh wait is it the Phoenix’s gf is that why he wanted to come and they’re taunting like oh the things we could do to your little gf and Marco is like just remember the cuffs won’t be on forever

Anyways they drive y’all around until the meeting time maybe taunting or roughing poor Marco up a little and finally they all meet up at this trap location except obvi the whitebeard pirates are gonna kick ass and come to the rescue and they take you back with them to heal any injuries/make sure you ok

BUT

Oh no one of the baddies gets away and starts posting all over the dark web about the phoenix’s weakness and everyone is like oh you’re in danger guess you gotta stay with us for awhile

And Marco was so nice so you just have a huge crush but he somewhat avoids you bc he feels responsible so you’re like oh he does not like me back oh ok

And idk they’re loosely mafia ish so some shenanigans ensue of people coming after you but Marco is always there to protect you and the tension is off the charts

….

That’s kinda as far as my brain got bc I keep starting over lmao

Ugh I wish I was better at making that a cute little story I’m so good at coming up with things in my head but typing them out is so hard T_T

But I hope you enjoyed my brainrot I’m about to head to bed and will most likely be thinking of it more <3

An Author friend of mine - far more successful and suited to the job than I am - said something once that really sticks with me.

The ideas are the easy part, writing is the hard part.

Some people will come to her with ideas, and want some sort of 50/50 deal for doing "half" the work, and honestly, no matter how well fleshed out the idea is, it's barely going to be 5% of the process at best.

I don't share that to put your idea down, not even a little, but I do mention it to highlight that you're not wrong. Turning ideas into stories is the hard part, and honestly I always love seeing that truth understood too. (Real fun is when you apply that to other things and realize that certain types who have "great ideas" are rarely the ones who make them reality, but they really want to continually tell you how great their ideas are changing the world >.> )

<.<

Moving on from my little rant, I have to say I LOVE THIS - KAZIEAI OMFG I AM FOAMING AT THE FUCKING MOUTH YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS IS ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITIESTS SITUATIONS EVER!

I love everything about this!

AND THE ENSUING ANGST

UNNNGH.

So - I have to admit I have a Mafia AU Marco story I'm slowly working on. It's pretty complex so far, intended as a slowburn anyway, and I really want to incorporate this idea into it. I just love the vibes.

AND - lol - one of the points I wanted to sort out for it was specifically having the reader end up in the Main House for the Whitebeard Mafia family. This idea is PERFECT, a few adjustments for the reader type and the AU itself, and the vibes are there. It's a Devil Fruit AU too, so >.>

the reader as a hostage gets Marco as a "hostage", they're supposed to let her go at that point, but someone gets the brilliant idea that the girl keeps the bird inline, and Pops' prize bird keeps the other boys inline, so they're keeping both.

The idea of the doomed kidnappers thinking the two are together works, it'll be the 2nd or 3rd time they've met and yeah, there's been flirting, but nothing committal. So her staying at the Main House for protection still leave Marco with a sour taste - he does like her, but this situation isn't fair. He's too laid back and experienced to blatantly avoid her, but he makes sure there's always someone else around, excusing himself before his brothers can "leave the two of them alone" or anything.

In this particular story the reader is an adopted kid of Big Mom's, trying to get away from the mafia life to some degree, and more than that to avoid being married off for whatever reason by Big Mom in the first place. (this is grumbled about in the first chapter, so it's not some big reveal). That certainly adds another layer to things, especially if Lin-Lin sees it as an in to tie the two families together.

Ah, sweet Kazieai <3 I would love to utilize this wonderful idea you've blessed my morning with. Just because the idea part is easier than the writing part doesn't mean it isn't worth due credit ❤️Especially when it's just the scenario I was trying to come up with.

#quin muses #quin answers #reader insert #x reader #kazieai #marco the phoenix #the current working title is Accidental Ornithology >.>

[violentviolette]

That post about narcissistic abuse/sociopathy/blame helped a lot. I never asked “why” when it came to my parents because it didn’t matter to me. Idk, I knew “why” when it came to them. But when it came to shitty relationships, that why plagued me. I used to ruminate for *years* on why I wasn’t good enough and tbfh I’m still barely moving on from the most recent batshit relationship, especially bc my own personality disorders flip the script on me a lot. I never prescribed it to narc/sociopathy or whatever, but the post over all helped.

Idk, I’m still struggling with the weird sort of entitlement it left me with (I like being in control, I like power, and I like access and unconditional loyalty) and unlearning this is hard, especially because I’m still healing from the anger and hurt. Im not trying to trauma dump or anything, im just trying to say thank you for the post (and for being open about how hard recovery can be when you’re the “undesirable” kind of abuse victim/learning to unlearn abusive patterns).

ur welcome anon, im glad it resonated with u and u got something positive out of it. and honestly thats a really understandable and common place to be. struggling with those things makes sense when u consider what uve been through. the need for power and control is a defensive one, when ur so used to bad things happening, u start looking for any way to prevent that. u think if u can just know everything, u can come up with the right strategy to never get hurt again. interpersonal relationships feel like a war u have to navigate to win. if u can just gather enough information, have control over enough situations, be able to control enough people involved, keep track of enough moving parts, then u can make the 'right" decisions and everything will work out and u'll win and be happy instead of losing being miserable

it makes sense, but unfortunately it just doesnt work that way. and it doesnt work because its core premise is a lie. none of those things will stop bad things from happening, and in trying to control everything around u so tightly, u just end up inadvertantly driving urself directly towards the outcome ur trying hardest to avoid. cause ppl just dont work like that. humans are inherently emotional and selfish and unpredictable and self focused and bad at stuff. and so more control is pointless. it's only after really and truly accepting that all of that is out of ur control and thats a good thing, does it get easier but there's also a very large portion of that that relies on other peoples behavior as well. we cant control others and we cant stop them from doing the wrong thing and its hard to keep urself healthy when someone else is actively impeding that process. because healthy relationships require trust and freedom and respect and stability from *both* sides and parties. because all of those things leave us incredibly vulnerable and open, which is the whole point, and it's extreamly difficult when ur trying ur best to allow urself to be vulnerable over and over again when u keep getting hurt. so i do hope ur able to find some good people who will treat u properly and create a safe environment for u to allow urself the freedom to be vulnerable and have it be properly recieved and returned

ur doing the right thing by working thru this stuff and recognizing these behaviors and patterns and thoughts and trying ur best to be healthy and deal with ur emotions and ur trauma and u deserve to have people in ur life who recognize and respect that and try their best to be healthy and do the right thing in return

#jack.speaks #anon #aspd #npd #cluster b pd #cluster b personality disorder

[darlingbudsofrae]

Andrew Minyard Appreciation Post

Foxes Appreciation Series : || 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6  || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 ||

I believe that even with all the overwhelming Andrew Minyard content, we can never give the love this precious soul deserves.

Andrew Joseph Minyard deserves all the love in this universe.

He is very loyal.

Like, because he was often left behind most of the times in his past, it’s kind of ironic how Andrew understands the concept of family.

How willing he is to fight for his family, keep his family- even if it doesn’t show in the most obvious ways.

Friendly reminder that Andrew Minyard strike deals with people because he thinks it’s the only way to make people stay.

Friendly reminder that he is willing to go through hell and back for his family to the point of even hurting himself.

Because he could give less shit if he gets hurt. This MF is willing to go all in in protecting “his” people even if it kills him because he just don’t see anything worth living his life all the while secretly doing the best he could because he wants his family to succeed and that’s just-

Isn’t it ironic that everything Andrew Minyard are for are also the same things that ended up hurting him?

Like this kid honors promises to a fault and ensures hope when necessary (eg Kevin and Neil) when his life consisted nothing of false hopes and broken promises.

Did you know that the second character in the book to say the word fine the most is Andrew? While Neil says fine as a defense mechanism, Andrew mostly says the word to assure others that they’re going to be okay when they’re overthinking.

He also really values consent and that first kiss with Neil, when he pushed him and said he wasn’t in the head space to give it? That scene is underrated af.

Also, for someone who got lied to all his life, Andrew is so honest. He tells the truth in all its ugly glory because better terrible truths than kind lies.

Honesty suited Andrew because he was an instigator at heart and his opinions were often unpopular.

Andrew Minyard is not a good person- doesn’t try to convince someone he’s a good person.

He threatens people, he can kill without a second thought. I think this is why most people view him as “psychotic” but if you do read the times Andrew act out on violence, they’re mostly because they’re provoked by inappropriate behavior slash words.

Like with Nicky, and the things he says about Neil and Kevin. I really like that Andrew acts on that because as violent as it is and as much as I love Nicky, he tends to oversexualize someone and say unnecessary and inappropriate things.

I love how Andrew doesn’t act like he likes people. Doesn’t feel inclined to make someone comfortable. 

And honestly, who can blame him when most of the foxes see him as a monster? Like I love the foxes but they’re judgmental assholes.

I really hate this about the books, like I can defend why the upperclassmen and even his own family sees him as such but it just gets to me.

Because for me, out of all the people there is in the world, the foxes should’ve been the first people to understand that Andrew was human with real feelings- that he didn’t have to act on a certain way.

I will never get over about how until the end of the book, the rest of the foxes still sees him that way.

As someone who went thru a lot of shit, Andrew was such a comfort character. Personally, I feel like his character arc was one of the best ones I’ve read.

He’s coping, still coping- and that’s okay.

Y’know what I love about Andrew most? He actively goes to therapy. In a way, despite seemingly giving up on everything, kid is willing to fix himself.

And maybe the results are slow or next to none but so what? He doesn’t have to recover immediately and honestly, reading AFTG back in a time when I was pressuring myself to heal fast because I was too frustrated with everything- reading Andrew was like getting washed by a cold bucket of water.

Recovery takes time. Healing is a process. And it could even take years and no matter how long it takes, it’s okay ✨

Also, another thing I like about Andrew’s character was that Nora made a point about not forgiving abusers. Most books tend to send that message (which is disgusting) but with Andrew’s character, it’s clear that you don’t have to attach yourself to your abusers.

Forgiving abusers is not a necessary part of the healing process. 

 This is getting dark so to lighten things up a bit, Andrew has a sweet tooth. He loves ice cream.

Also, he majored in criminal justice and I know Nora said he did that just to be a troll but I like to believe that deep inside, he wants to help those who are in a situation like him and actually make the world a better place.

Andrew knows what to do when someone’s breaking down. Like, with every character, his apathy aside, he always knows how to act.

Also, he’s one of those annoying even-if-I-don’t-make-an-effort-I’m-talented-af-and-can-still-perform-well-so-sue-me assholes and normally I hate those type of characters but Andrew was an exemption. 

Like, we do not talk enough about the fact that he asked Wymack to choose between numbers 1 - 5 and only let that number of goals in of the opposing team that night before shutting down the goal completely.

Or that he only let 13 of the ravens’ shots - the nation’s best team - in and that is oh my gods where do I even begin with Andrew Joseph Minyard being a superior goalie I cannot-

Also the fact that Andrew completely shut down the goal when Neil freaking asked him to- who is this man? 

What a simp. What power. 

I hope in the AFTG universe, someone out there is doing the god’s work and compiling his saves. Like, I don’t normally watch sports stuff cuz I hate sports but I would pay good money to see that yes sir I will.

We could talk about Andrew’s saves more but that just deserves its own post cuz it’s chef kisses

We do not talk enough about Andrew’s eidetic memory. Seriously, we don’t.

Also, you can say all you want that he’s an emo kid but kid has good fashion sense.

Andrew seriously has the best lines in the series. Did some of them made me choke and wheeze and cringe? Yes. But did most of them make me cry like a bitch and hit my heart right where it hurts? Also yes.

“Congratulations are in order, I suppose! Since I have none to give, I will tell the others to respond appropriately.”

Also, some of them were lowkey Shakespearean and I refuse to believe that Andrew doesn’t read Shakespeare-

Seriously, he’s so extra but he’s also so traumatized and such a gay disaster I can’t-

He’s five foot short.

#i was going to post this yesterday but nope #here we are now #all for the game #all for the gay #all for the angst #all for my son #aftg #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #the king's men #nora sakavic #andrew minyard #I love Andrew Minyard #so much that it hurts #andrew minyard appreciation post #i probably missed a lot #but i appreciate andrew minyard so much #andrew minyard appreciation hours #I swear Andrew Minyard isn't loved enough and it's freaking illegal #i think this is the longest one i made yet #but there's so much things about andrew to appreciate #especially since he's one of the main main characters and got a hefty lot of pages in the series #you can never have too much of andrew minyard #also just because andrew minyard is a popular character doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some more love #i added some here forgot which they were but oh well #plus not sure if i should add this but he's a good kisser #if neil's words are anything to go by LMAO #raeraegoaway

[hazelcephalopod]

The Eye of the World Ch 39-40

Rand has an adventure through the streets and falls into the most unlikely of places.

Hey it’s later but here it is.

Disclaimer: this is my first read thru but I’ve watched all of the show this far and been spoiled on some book things. So… I’m going to lean into that. Enjoy figuring out what I know, and what I think I know, and what I just don’t. Also s/x I add commentary when I edit.

Spoilers for the first book and up to the most recent episode under the cut. Potential spoilers for latter books.

Ch 39

Lion. Someone said the pic indicate POV. I have not figure it out yet

But- Rand POV

Changed your mind about Loial yet? Hmm?

Ok Caemlyn has the lion as a symbol

Everyone is excited and happy today. It’s to watch a guy get paraded thru the streets and jeered and mocked right? …gotta love the sadism of people I guess… /s

Mats real fucked up huh?

Ffs… Mat gets a D- in adulting for this chapter I guesss. I mean it’s not entirely his fault but still. Rand gets a B-

… I’m allowed to do that. I’m also a depressed.

And for similar reasons, man do I feel for Rand here too.

These children do not deserve this

*anyone who does anything resembling healing*

EF kids (mostly Rand): Is this a wisdom?

Everyone else: is this a -witch- Darkfriend?

Not Mat only eating food Rand gives him!

A beggar asking after the EF kids?

Wait wait wait… so like the queen does just give out money. Like feudal social assistance checks? That’s amazing.

Also… love the assumption that the begger must be a Darkfriend. Because he doesn’t take that money

Yup sure those strange shapes are nothing. /s

It’s very much your worry

It helps that you’re 6’5” and look like an Aiel dude (editor me: I not believe how much that gets brought up these two chapters)

!!! An answer on what the red and white cord colors mean? And not the one I expected. Red- for The Queen. White- against her (and implied sympathetic for the Whitecloaks). (Rand chose red b/c it was cheap) (I later learn the pattern knew he needed too)

“He did not want to get involved in Caemlyn politics.” -(Rand)

Yup everyone is happy for some good old “punish the evil one” show

Ya know considering how intricate and beautiful Caemlyn is described I understand why the show didn’t have the budget to do it justice. Fair.

Oh so they are taking the threat to the Queen very seriously. Good

Lol. ‘No I will not move just because I’m tall. Not my fault everyone is so short’

The Darkfriend beggar!

‘Nvm have my spot. Byeee!’

And it’s time to run away again!

“…he was sure he would never get another chance to see a Queen, and he hoped he would never have another to see a false Dragon.” -(Rand). Lol.

Heh. The pattern ‘I’m not making this easy for you.’

“…over the rooftops he could see some of the Palace spires…” -(Rand) looking for a good view. Oh no. Don’t. He’s gonna isn’t he?

He’s climbing some wall. (>.>)

I guess the Aes Sedai are just like ‘yup your army totally helped and we absolutely needed them. Sure’

16 horses?

“In the center of its flat bed was a large cage of iron bars, and on each corner of the wagonbed sat two women…” -(Rand) watching the procession of Logain thru Caemlyn from on top of a wall. And- “…it was the man in the cage who caught and held Rand’s eyes… Logain was a king in every inch of him… wherever his gaze swept there people fell silent… Logain threw back his head and laughed as the Palace swallowed him.” + “Logain, undefeated. No matter the cage, that had not been a defeated man.”

Also I liked how the show did it; but I’m curious to learn if Rand will note and be disturbed by Logain’s ‘fall from grace’ in the books because that is quite good too

Lol. A girl spoke to him and he fell off the wall

Ch 40

Opening pic- the flame of TV

Rand POV

Opens in a sort of dream. Because he got knocked the fuck out from falling off that wall last chapter

Oh ffs it’s ol’ Balzo. A-fuckin-course

Oh thank fuck he woke up

Wasn’t out long

Really wasn’t out long then huh? That girls is still coming down the tree

Fancy girl… too fancy

“He had only ever seen two women dressed in this fashion, Moiraine and the Darkfriend who had tried to kill Mat and him.” -(Rand) seeing he fancy woman who I totally don’t know. /s (It’s Elayne)

… but she also reminds him of Nynaeve.

Fancy boy!

He really accidentally fell into the palace huh?

Elayne! (Surprised pikachu)

Also Gawyn. K (I later learn Gawyn’s an absolute good bro this chapter)

Rand, probably concussed, “I’ll just climb back over the wall…” ??? Dude! No. Lmao

lol. Elayne testing him like a baby bird she found fallen from its nest

Have to respect a woman who carry’s around an apothecary around

Hah! She is the sort to fix sad broken strays

Oh first patient, real reassuring /s

No he is a stray.

You are a skittish horse

“Does she always expect everybody to do what she tells them?” -Rand about Elayne, heir to the throne of Andor

Elaida the courts resident Aes Sedai? Come on Rand you know this one. (Right concussion)

How old is fucking Gareth?

Also who exactly is Gareth? (Editor me- a pal this chapter)

Lmao. Rand’s finally getting it

Oh yea. He knows nothing

“I don’t like crowds.” -Rand. ‘He lied.’ To the heir of Andor.

“It’s said Two Rivers people are stubborn… Elayne ought to choose her husband from there.” -Gawyn. Pure comedy.

Galadedrid is the most infuriating name I’ve ever read. Giving a character that name is violence. (Editor me- he deserves it, I hate him)

Also he’s Elaynes half brother thru her father, Galadedrid Damodred

The people: Galad! (Affectionate) Elayne: Galad! (Derogatory)

The gate of te’veren convenience. Or not

Tbf to Galad he’s like, doing the rational right thing and whatever yea. But also, like Elayne would agree I’m sure, fuck Galad (this time at least)

What did she say exactly?! Cursing fancy girl! With curses to make Rand blush?

Gawyn is a bro tho

Head guard of the palace- Tallanvor

From comedy right back to tension

But also Elayne is the best

Huh. Aes Sedai maybe should help common people more

Deep water? Sure. No bank in sight? Elayne is right there. Also Gawyn

Huh. No rats?

Dude… that is so sad

Elayne continues to be a boss

Oh no what did he just do now?

That framing of Elaida is just excellent.

Morgase has an Aes Sedai ring.

Elayne’s mom and Elaida are really giving Elayne a good talking to in front of the entire court and some guy. Amazing

Rand finally caught up. Yes. That is Elaida

And whose fault is that? Why would they? Up to you to remind them and even make them content to be part of your kingdom. You need better PR ma’am

Ok. The fear of heron-marked swords of hilarious.

Absolutely too young yes

Wait… can Elaida also see the pattern or whatever?

Also, Elaida, consent plz.

“From this day Andor marches toward pain and division. The Shadow has yet to darken to its blackest, and I cannot see if the Light will come after. Where the world has wept one Tear, it will weep a thousands. This, I Foretell.” -Elaida to Queen Morgase and her court

“This, too, I Foretell. Pain and division come to the whole world, and this man stands at the heart of it.” -Elaida to Rand alone, about him.

No no don’t throw him in jail plz

Lol the Queen- nah imma let him go. You gonna be chill dude? Yes? Good. Ok here’s why I’m letting you go. First you sound like a hick from the sticks. Second no one looking like you would ever claim to be from those sticks. Third, this is too ridiculous to be a lie. Go away and don’t come back

Very interesting that Elaida seemed to help him there. Intentional or not?

Why mention that he’s handsome tho? Just to unsettle him then?

Rand- ‘hey why is everyone so surprised I’m from TR?’ Gawyn (to his credit hesitantly): “Wrap a shoufa around your head, Rand, and you would be the image of an Aielman.”

Oh more paranoia and feeling watched. What better way to end a chapter?

#many thoughts on twot teotw #< block or filter to stop seeing these posts #the wheel of time #wheel of time #wot #wot book spoilers #twot book #twot book spoilers #the eye of the world #eye of the world #eotw spoilers

[locktobre]

bcbd thoughts

right away I see that this is only an hour long, so... it’s not a movie, then. it’s a one hour special, again. I feel like I’m already gonna miss the extra 20 minutes just like dolphin magic but we’ll see I guess. maybe it’ll be a mercy that it’s shorter.

the opening credits/dream sequence was nice. the animation on the city is decent, and the monochrome thing was kind of cool.

her being on stage reminded me a little of Eden, and then immediately I missed Eden so much. they would never let a version of Babs be a bitch now and that’s such a shame.

so now we’re joking about George tracking Barbie’s cell phone? bc that’s fine and not at all an invasion of privacy or anything. also, you can check flight statuses on the internet so that’s really not necessary. also, why the fuck didn’t Barbie call them once she got off the plane? or at least text? I always text or call my mom when I land, and frankly I’m not even as close to my mom as Barbie claims to be to her parents. and I did that when I was 17 traveling alone, too, so it’s not just something I do as an adult. it’s part of the responsibility of traveling to let ppl know that you got somewhere safe so they don’t worry about you. what the fuck Babs.

was that honking supposed to be like censoring the cabbie swearing bc I would love that. let the cabbie say fuck.

I still maintain that this “summer program” thing is bullshit and Babs should have been going off to college. I know they won’t let her grow up but it makes more sense than this does. also, you’re telling me there’s no summer programs for acting/whatever in LA? seriously? she HAD to go across the country for this? and her parents let her? they don’t even trust her! they said that 2 seconds ago! or is tracking her cell phone the reason she’s allowed to travel across the country (to Willows and Florida and Hawaii) by herself in the first place? I hate this I hate it so much already

The Handler Arts Academy... oh I’m feeling emotions

“luck’s got nothing to do with it. you worked your tail off for this” SHOW ME FOR WHEN, PLEASE. this could have been an actual arc of the show, a goal Barbie was working towards that could thread thru multiple episodes... but no. this came out of nowhere. I’m STILL saying that Amelia bought Barbie’s place here bc FUCK YOU SHOW

“I hope I’m good enough” you’re a mediocre rich white woman, you can do literally anything you want.

why is her guitar shoved in a cardboard box and not, idk, in a guitar case? that’s stupid. also, that’s an open cardboard box, so how did that travel on the plane? a closed cardboard box, fine. should be a suitcase, but fine. but this just makes no sense and I am not going to let it slide bc I hate this continuity and everything about it.

however, I will give Brooklyn a pass for the open cardboard box bc she literally lives in NYC and didn’t have to take a fucking plane to get here. she can carry it like that if she wants.

“as long as you don’t break [my leg], we’re good” I’ve already seen Brooklyn in a cast, so... does Malibu literally break her leg later on? even on accident... jesus christ.

is this Russian(?) custodian lady gonna be the antagonist/villain? bc I’m already not vibing with that. not at fucking all.

how the FUCK could they show up a day early? why would they not show up on the day they’re supposed to? that doesn’t make any sense! and if they’re NOT supposed to be there yet, then there would be no staff there to watch them, so they should have to come back tomorrow! they shouldn’t be allowed to be by themselves in a school like this! I’m assuming this is to facilitate a day of bonding without stupid things like classes in the way, but they could have written an orientation day or something in that would have made more sense, and as I said, I am not inclined to give them a pass on anything these days. fuck you all.

so, room assignments are alphabetical... I guess that kind of explains them being in the same room, altho it does feel coincidental that they wouldn’t be, like, in neighboring rooms. also they didn’t animate little signs on the other doors, even with nonsense text if they didn’t want to put other names up, so their door really sticks out for no reason. also, shouldn’t it say “Barbie Roberts & Barbie Roberts” or some other way of having both names on the door? also, if the school knows they have the same name, couldn’t they put middle initials or something? we know Malibu is Barbie M. Roberts, and I will generously assume that Brooklyn’s middle name is something else, so that would have been fine. this really feels like the administrators don’t give a fuck, and in a supposedly prestigious school, I don’t buy that.

so, Brooklyn has been training every summer in different programs, very intensely, to get in here... and Malibu trained on the internet. what have I been saying about Malibu’s white mediocrity? hmm?

even after that (lackluster) montage, it feels way too soon for “Before Us.” I don’t believe they’re best friends who warrant a song about their friendship. I don’t believe that at all.

I like the bald fashionista being on the billboard, that’s a nice touch.

Malibu bringing up her vlog like that gives me hives. she has already stated multiple times that she does that to help ppl, not for clout, and yet. here she is. being a fake ass bitch once again.

Brooklyn and Emmie’s story is already way more interesting than this and I’m pissed that’s just backstory.

LOVE that green-haired dude. idk where you’re going with that drum but godspeed my dude.

I’m assuming that’s Emmie incognito in the back, but... what’s she doing here if she’s already famous? pulling an Erika Juno?

Dean Morrison seems cool

(is it too early to ship Brooklyn x Emmie?)

if pets are allowed in this school, I’m SHOCKED Malibu didn’t bring Taffy. truly fucking shocked.

Rafa reminds me so much of Jacques Rousseau

“the only labels we believe in are designer” so Rafa’s gay, right? Barbie’s first gay character? I can only assume

the ballet thing still doesn’t make sense to me, if their goal is to be on Broadway. ballet is an entire art and discipline in itself.

fencing makes more sense, bc stage fighting is a thing.

‘work it’ is even funnier than I imagined. Malibu you’re such a fuck up. and I can’t even cut you some slack bc earlier you said your training was “internet.” you didn’t work for this and you don’t belong here. die.

if this was PCS, Malibu would have been kicked out already. YOU WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS.

so, the ‘work it’ montage clearly showed the passage of time, it’s been at least a week, and... Malibu hasn’t talked to Ken at all during that time? this is the first time she’s telling him about Brooklyn?

ok, confirmed to be a week. and she hasn’t talked to Ken. of course. they are so close of course she hasn’t talked to him in a week, especially when she’s been struggling so much and would need to vent to a friend about it. of course.

so, Emmie is pulling an Erika Juno. at least she’s in disguise.

jesus christ, they’re really having Emmie be exploited by her own father??? JESUS.

ok Brooklyn x Emmie is sailing.

Brooklyn’s mom is an airline pilot, that sounds cool.

so the dresses are powered by the magic of friendship? cool. that’s stupid.

of COURSE Emmie’s dad is the board member. jesus christ I hate this dude.

okay, so she DIDN’T break her leg, it’s only a sprain. thank god. poor green-haired drum dude.

saying “epic fail” in 2021 unironically is not cool, mattel. unless I’m even more out of touch with the youth than I thought, but I’m pretty sure about that.

wait, so Brooklyn was dancing... and now she’s on crutches again? what is this montage? they fucked up here.

of all things to kick Malibu out for, they’re saying she pushed Brooklyn? why not all the fuck ups in her first week?

also, Rafa was taping that class so how do they not bring that up immediately? that’s the whole reason they were dancing over there in the first place! (so he might not have caught anything, but still, I have to assume that’s going to fix this bc that’s what these movies do.)

I really like Malibu’s leather jacket look, but she does look a little bit old I think. Brooklyn’s leggings look is nice, too.

okay, so Brooklyn suddenly believes the unnamed witness over the girl she sang ‘before us’ with? okay. I told you this friendship was a crock of shit. they don’t trust each other at all! Brooklyn should have been angry when she first fell, and it builds to thinking that she was sabotaged, but she brushed it off... and now she’s pissed. that makes no sense.

this friendship breakup song also means nothing to me bc their friendship fell apart for such a stupid reason. fate didn’t tear you apart, you tore yourselves apart by not trusting each other. stupid little children.

if Brooklyn’s ankle isn’t completely healed aka still painful, she should not be dancing on it, she could injure herself more or at least prolong the healing process.

ok, so NOW, after Malibu has already been expelled and sent back home, they remembered the video. these kids are so fucking stupid. and of COURSE the unnamed witness is Mr Miller! Emmie, you ALREADY KNOW that your dad is shady as shit and wants you to get the Spotlight Solo! HOW DID YOU NOT PUT THIS TOGETHER IN 5 SECONDS? I DID

so, Mr Miller thought Malibu was Emmie’s biggest competition for the solo? Malibu, the spectacular fuck up? not Brooklyn? or any of the background extras? I refuse to fucking believe that. I REFUSE.

how did George and Margaret just let Malibu get expelled without flying out there to fight the charge? seriously?

how is is Brooklyn singing ‘before us’ in-universe such that Malibu recognizes it? you’re breaking the conventions of musicals! I don’t get this!

I like Brooklyn’s mom being a pilot less after it’s been used to facilitate this bullshit part of the plot.

again, just “Barbie Roberts” makes no sense. where’s a middle initial to differentiate them! SOMETHING! I know they’re doing the finale together, but still, it’s STUPID.

shipping Rafa x green-haired drummer dude bc I can

where’s the Emmie doll for this movie?????? I’m so disappointed. also the other outfits, the leather jacket and leggings ones, I swear those weren’t dolls either. what the fuck

I see more fashionistas on billboards at the end! I really like that

so the custodian wasn’t a villain... then why that introduction for her? that went nowhere

is “Big City Big Dreams” supposed to be Emmie’s song? that Malibu lips-synced to on her vlog (apparently)? I can’t tell by the voice and they don’t list the voices for the songs in the credits

overall, once again it largely made no sense. idk if it would have benefitted from 20 extra minutes of screentime bc nothing really happened.

also, what the fuck happened to Mr Miller? he just keeps on exploiting his daughter? and for that matter, what happened to Emmie’s mom? bc she lived with her, and then all of the sudden her dad was in her life again and exploiting her, so... what did mom die? did he kill her? what am I supposed to think? and Emmie’s STILL stuck in that situation? girl. what the fuck

also of course they were too cowardly to confirm anything about Rafa. of course.

#mel irl #barbie babbles #bcbd #barbie spoilers

[rahleeyah]

sometimes i wish EO wasn't endgame, and honestly i love them but continue to be so on the fence about it all

the funny part is, i have no long-term resentful bone in my body, i can be mean and vicious and a bit vengefull but i could never be done with the love of my life, even after some of the shit we've gone through, some of the things i have felt and been made to feel, some of the things i have heard, some that hurt so badly but that i needed to hear

so i should understand olivia, i should understand how it is to feel unable to give up, to let go, to be done with someone, i should know that one look or move would be all it takes for my anger to subside, i also know that my rage burns bright and short and that i immediatly feel bad about it after because i don't want that to define me, to be how people and the person i love most remembers and knows me

but i feel vengeful for olivia, i feel like i need to protect her at all costs, and sometimes i am unwilling to believe that the one who hurt her the most is also the one who can make her the happiest, for some reasons that thought makes my heart ache, it makes me not believe in justice and i wish that elliot would just understand what it is she has been feeling her whole life, about people leaving, about her feeling she's not enough or, actually, too much

i can relate to olivia, i know how she feels because i feel it too, being too much and not enough at the same time is a burden to live with and i think, somehow, elliot tries to understand but he doesn't know and he will never know and sometimes, sometimes i just wish he could actually get into her head and her heart to finally, finally understand completely what is feels like

but the worse part is, the ones who actually don't understand are the ones the best equiped to heal you, because they try so much to get it that they do the work, they listen, they try and i know elliot can be that person, the one who completes her, who gets her in another beautiful way, who sees who she is, the real her, olivia

but sometimes i also want her to not be olivia all the time and to be selfish and to just say to hell with it and just take what she wants instead and not give it, give it, give it

so yeah, i wish they would end up together, but i also wish they wouldn't, i guess i will be happy and frustrated either way

Something I think is important to remember, when we talk about how Elliot leaving hurt Olivia, is that Elliot is also a person and Olivia knows this.

I don't think I agree with your thesis; is Elliot's departure the thing that hurt her most? No, I think Lewis did the most damage, emotionally as well as physically, bc he took away her control and her understanding of herself. Elliot's departure hurt but she wasn't in therapy over it. Sheila's betrayal hurt worse, I would argue. Bc Olivia didn't trust her but she wanted a family so goddamn bad she let her in anyway, and very nearly lost her son in the process, and blamed herself for it.

The thing is. What Elliot did, leaving, wasn't about hurting Olivia, and she knows this. He wasn't being cruel to her. He made a decision and one of the consequences of that decision is that she was hurt, but there are also positive outcomes with that decision. His family - the family both he and Liv have always put first - will be taken care of. He won't lose his pension, his reputation. He leaves his job on his own terms. Liv won't be dragged thru the mud alongside him.

Also!!! Remember!!! The part where he killed a teenager!!!! He is grappling with an actual serious trauma. And Liv knows this. Liv knows he wasn't trying to hurt her. He wasn't even being particularly selfish, imo; it's not like he wanted to go. Oh he could have answered the phone; ok well Liv knows where he lives and she's turned up uninvited to talk sense into him before. Why didn't she?

A) bc they're not real but b) I think she understands, on some level, why he had to go, and that she has to let him.

His marriage is not just an inconvenience to him. As far as he is concerned it is never going away; he loves his wife, he loves his kids, he believes in his god and the vows he has made, and he wants to be the man who stays. With that in mind it is kinder of him to leave Olivia than to continue to keep her in his orbit, bound to him and yet not ever his. He can't have her, and letting her go hurts her but it gives her the chance to maybe find happiness elsewhere.

You've pointed out that he does understand, better than pretty much anyone, exactly how Olivia feels, exactly how much she needed him, how she struggles with abandonment and feeling like no one wants her, bc she has told him more about herself, given more of herself to him than she has to anyone else and also he walked beside her for so long. They know each other. She knows his secrets and he knows her. So what makes him a threat? That he is the one who loves her most, and therefore is the one who can hurt her most?

The people we love most by default have the ability to hurt us more than anyone else, not because they choose to (yes, they know which buttons to press and which words cut the deepest but willfully inflicting pain for the sake of it is not love) but because they are so bound up in us. Their choices affect us more deeply than the choices of people we care less about. When you build a life with someone, every move they make has the ability to shake you bc you have the same foundation. It doesn't make them cruel. We have to learn to bend together.

The only way to protect Olivia from this pain is for her to never share her life with anyone else. If she doesn't depend on anyone she won't be hurt. If there's anyone who matters, tho, there is a risk of pain. That's life.

I hear you wanting to protect her and I fully get that but I don't see Elliot as a threat. Yes, his leaving hurt her. Yes, he could hurt her again. Anyone could. Anyone she loved, no matter who he was, could hurt her, bc she loves him and he could leave.

Their journey isn't over yet, either. We don't know how their coming together is gonna look. We don't know what kinda work they're gonna put in, what kinda conversations they're gonna have. So we don't know what this looks like.

And also. Fiction gives us a safe place to explore dynamics we maybe wouldn't want in real life and that's ok. Wanting them to be together in fiction doesn't erase your moral judgment, or your knowledge that you'd want better for yourself in a relationship.

So. Idk what to tell you, really. Your feelings are your own and you may just stay conflicted and that's ok!!! We all bring our own baggage to the table and sometimes we can't help but project our own feelings onto the characters, and sometimes that means we're gonna react differently to stuff than other people do. That's just human. I'm sorry if you feel you're struggling with this, but I hope that eventually you find some peace.

#anonymous #e.o

[cloveroctobers]

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

#litg #litg allegra #litg headcanons #litg headcanon #litg moodboard #litg mason #litg Tim #litg jake #litg jen #litg erikah #litg mc #litg oc #had to make to drama filled since s1 did us right along with s2 #I do feel like Allegra bettered? herself after the show and stand by that #I still laugh when I see her character in my head and the fact that someone said she looks like the bride of chucky #anyways I like giving people the benefit of the doubt and I think ppl like her better than Lucy? lmao so this is for y’all allegra stans #decided to give s3 a break and play s1 again hope that’s cool lol #also no longer doing celeb crush/music choices anymore cause I’ve run out? lol alright bye!

[kittybellestark]

Oops I think I’m late to the ask thing... but what’s your favorite marvel fics that you have read?? You can also add yours btw

It’s never too late, I love answering these questions honestly the more the merrier

EDIT: Link to some other fave’s I recc’d back in November that I also love vvvvv much 

I most definitely will not be adding my own to this list I like my stuff full like a full two minutes and only actually like only one fic that I’ve posted long term so oops but lemme go thru my history and stuff and I’ll get some of my faves lined up

also this took me hours and i wanted to put more but when i was going thru my history you could always tell when i was about to get my monthly visit which is kinda really funny but also made this much harder than it needed to be 

some recent faves of mine is under the cut

Your Heart Changed (Mine Stayed the Same) by  loisselina (LoisSelina)

Peter Parker is back but 5 years into the future and the world has changed. Peter goes home with May only to find she had moved on, with a husband and two kids. Peter struggles to find his place in this new family with a strict step uncle, the longer he's there the harder he finds it to stay on his good side, uncertain if May will believe him.

Contains physical abuse, emotional/verbal abuse, and May Parker being neglectful at the very least.

Notes: I still haven’t read the last two chapter bc I’m not ready for it to be over, it’s really good and I am a sucker for Peter coming back post snap and is put into a bad situation bc no one handled their grief well

You Better Let Somebody Love You (Before It’s Too Late) by ambivilantangst

Tony finds Spider-Man on the roof of his favorite coffee shop.

A few days after Siberia, it hurts to move—to reply to Spider-Man, even, when he tries to talk—but Tony, while irritated, assumes it’s a one-off incident.

It’s not.

Tony keeps leaving the too-quiet Tower for his caffeine fix, Spider-Man keeps popping up against the shop’s heater vent, and as weeks turn into months, Tony finds himself with a new friend. And if Spider-Man is a little dodgy here and there, well, Tony figures everyone’s entitled to their secrets.

//

Or, Tony doesn’t recruit Spider-Man for the Avengers’ Civil War. Maybe if he had, he would’ve caught that something was up with the guy before things went to shit.

Notes: this one is really good. Tony tries to keep Spider-Man at arms length and while having some suspicions about him he respects the secret identity and the friendship they’ve built together. Everyone is hurt and then everyone is healing and i just ugh I love these sort of things

It’s a Secret to Everybody by StarPrince_Punk

“I have kids," Clint said. "I know dad behavior when I see it.” Tony blinked multiple consecutive times, processing the statement. “Excuse me?” “Tony,” Steve said now, “how long have you had a son? And how come we’ve never known about him?” “Yeah,” Clint spoke again, “I thought I was the only one with a secret family. Turns out you’ve had one longer than me!” ------- Peter gets to spend all summer living in Avengers Tower with Tony. When the Rogue Avengers get pardoned and come back to live at the Tower too, they're confused as to who Peter is. However, once they see how Tony acts around Peter, that confusion goes away, as they know for certain who Peter must be - Tony's secret son. Tony and Peter decide to make the most of the situation, and play along. They hope they can keep up the act all summer. But they soon learn that they barely have to act at all.

Notes: This is one of the first multi-chap irondad fics that I read, I had read  one shots before hand, and I mostly read Avengers Found Family and Tony/literally anyone in the avengers pairings before getting into irondad. So it holds a small place in my heart being one of the first multi-chap fics. I love the confusion, the shenanigans the way how everyone is in on the joke except for the avengers and how this made Tony and Peter bond into a father-son relationship. idk im sentimental ig

Body Pillow by The_Winter_Writer

It wasn't a surprise that everyone in the Tower seemed a bit cautious and wary around him. Bucky completely understood. That's why it was a surprise when someone, a very breakable someone, decided the Winter Soldier was an acceptable choice for sleepy cuddling.

Notes: Surprise Shawty it’s Winteriron and not irondad. This is just so cute and I really enjoy the way Bucky doesn’t trust himself and is being ostracized by others and he just is so insecure and accepts that ??? and Tony just rolls in and is like ‘ah yes optimal place to sleep is ontop of you’  like yes tony i too would love to sleep ontop of bucky u right anyways i love my insecure boys they so soft

Chances Missed, Chances Taken by winterbitch (WinterLadyy)

Steve, with Peggy's help, realizes that he's in fact, in love with his best friend who he left back in the present. He decides to go back to him. Only, something went wrong and 3 weeks for him had been 3 years in his present and there's an unhappy surprise waiting for him. Apparently, Bucky is capable of finding new friends himself, and even finding a family... A happiness of his own.

Notes: Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. His assumptions really come back to bite him in the butt and I don’t really feel as bad for him as I should. I don’t know, maybe I’m cold but he is much more reliant on Bucky then Bucky is on Steve and just, I like that Bucky built a whole life for himself and idk I guess there’s a little part of me that feels satisfaction in the fact that Steve doesn’t get the happy ending he wanted. idk makes me feel like im a lil cold sometimes but i have a love/hate relationship with steve mcu!steve is just so blah yknow 

#rec list #iron dad #irondad #peter parker #marvel #tony stark #spiderman #spiderson #avengers #bi peter parker #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #steve rogers #buckybarnes #some faves

[spaceorphan18]

Karofsky - Blaine - Kurt.

Kurt - he was previously bullied , sexually assaulted and harassed by him - the whole Dave/Kurt thing was creepy. He’s not a pleasant dude. Ok he had his issues, and we see him try suicide - do we ever see him after that until we see him with Blaine? So for the love of Kurt’s life to then have any sort of relationship/sexual relationship with Karofsky is really just offensive to Kurt - you wouldn’t see it happening irl. I wouldnt think??? So the writers knew making this a plot was just basically kicking Kurt in the balls again, and i find that offensive??

Blaine - well he hated Karofsky in season 2 - he actually pushed him and probably would have punched him. I don’t know what he thought about him after that, but would he really have had any respect or good feelings for him? Ok season 6, he was depressed and lonely and met Dave - but would he really have started a relationship with him? Again it’s just the writers trying to kick Blaine’s character in the balls - up to then a fairly inoffensive, sensitive , well liked guy? (let’s ignore the cheating for now). Also Blaine is supposed to be a reasonably intelligent guy, and wouldn’t have a problem getting any other guy. So the way they made Blaine date him us just offensive to him.

Even if Karofsky had learnt the error of his ways, I don’t think that he could be so drastically different and there’s no way I could see Blaine having a relationship with him?

Ive probably raised a lot of things for you to comment on here, hope that is ok.

Yes, absolutely okay! I wanted you to elaborate so I would know where you were coming from, Nonny! :) 

So, I’m going to throw a couple of things out there.  

1. You have every right to feel the way that you do - and nothing I’m about to say is in anyway trying to change your mind.  I’m just laying out my own opinions on the matter - cool? 

2. I’m guessing that it’s actually - you - who are offended by it.  And that’s totally fair! We all bring our own experiences to the table, and sometimes plot lines are just going to sting us in the wrong way, and it’s not an easy thing just to ‘get over’ for sake of the writers moving the plot in a strange direction.  I feel ya, hon, I do! 

But I don’t necessarily agree that it’s offensive to Kurt or Blaine.  Though, I do believe it was a choice out of convenience more so than anything else for the writers.  

So, back when Season 2 was on, I hated Karofsky.  HATED him.  Like, when Sue Sylvester Shuffle aired, I said if Karofsky joined glee club, I wouldn’t continue watching the show.  He was indicative of people I knew in real life who tormented someone I cared for, and encountering that in fiction -- that does stick with you.  It really does.  When I first heard about the season 6 spoilers, it kind of made me sick to even think about it.  

But, you know, I’ve had a long, long time to process it.  I’ve studied it and analyzed it on what I would call an academic level.  And while I think there are definite flaws in the narrative (mostly the gaping holes in Karofsky’s story to make it all plausible) I’m really rather fine with the whole thing now.  

A while back, someone asked me why Blaine would date Karofsky, and I have a rather lengthy answer to that here : Blaine and Karofsky Meta : which I do hope you check out.  I think it goes over a lot of the points as to why and how we got the narrative that we did.  

The tl;dr version is this ---  

A) Kurt forgave Karofsky thru seasons 2 and 3; and once he was no longer scared of Karofsky, he no longer hand any power over him.  But also -- if you notice in season 6, Kurt really does not give a flying fuck about Karofsky at all, and in fact, he finds the idea of Sebastian much more nauseating.  Kurt running off and crying in LLM is more because he fucked up his chance with Blaine, not that Blaine was dating Karofsky.  And mostly, Kurt doesn’t even really acknowledge Karofsky during season 6 -- he mostly focuses on himself, and is helpful to Blaine when Blaine needs a friend.  

As for the whole ‘kick Kurt in the balls thing’ (my god, I hear this phrase from you guys all the time, and I’ll be honest, I side-eye it a little) from the writers -- out of all the times I do think Kurt got short-shafted, I don’t think this is one of them.  I think Kurt realizing that he fucked up his relationship was actually a growing point for the character, and a way for him to learn that maybe he should be more understanding and less of a shitty boyfriend; as well as learning that grown up relationships are hard.  

You guys should know by now that I adore Kurt, and the sun doesn’t rise and set for RIB for me, but characters need conflicts, and they need instances that they need to grow.  And I think season 6 gave Kurt a fantastic, and yes heart wrenching, story on how hard it can be going from a kid to an adult.  

[This is also the aside where I ask -- what did you guys really, ultimately want? Because a character who is served everything ends up like Rachel Berry, and that’s not fun for anyone.  Kurt did get his moments of praise, and his moments of triumph, and they are in small ways, but Kurt Hummel won guys, he really did.]

B) The Blaine part of this is super complex, which is why I, again, urge you to read the original meta post on why Blaine dates Karofsky.  But let’s boil it down to this -- Blaine didn’t have the same relationship with Karofsky as Kurt did.  Sure, there was some aggression, but ultimately Blaine’s main drive  was to protect Kurt, it could have been anyone who was bothering him.  By the time five years pass (and yes between 16 and 21 a lot changes) Blaine is a different person.  Karofsky’s a different person.  Blaine doesn’t owe Kurt anything, and in a very weird and twisted way, this is Blaine’s way of not only healing his heart, but still remaining close to Kurt.  

Believe it or not -- this isn’t the writers kicking Blaine in the balls either, this is the writers’ way of letting Blaine heal and move on with his life post breakup.  Blaine’s actually in a pretty good place when we open in season 6, and part of that, shockingly, has to do with having a relatively healthy (rebound) relationship with Karofsky.  I know, crazy, right?? 

C) If anyone should feel offended, it’s Karofsky --- his story is the one that is ultimately short changed by the writers, as we did not get to see how he grew between On My Way and the opening of season 6.  But, between Born This Way through On My Way, there is a redemption arc for Karofsky, and after the suicide attempt, he’s already on his way to trying to become a better person.  We don’t really get to see what else he goes through, though, and his part in season 6 is really just there as a prop for the Klaine story.  And I think it’s pretty evident during season 6 that he’s pretty much a harmless goof as an adult.  

Does that excuse his prior behavior? No, it does not. If Kurt still felt uncomfortable around him -- that would be totally fair, but nothing in the narrative suggests that he does.   That said, I do believe people are allowed to grow and change and learn from their mistakes.   And that was what the writers were going for.  

Like I said, you don’t have to feel the same way I do; if Karofsky still emotionally upsets you, that is completely valid and I’m not trying to persuade you otherwise.  But just sharing my own opinions as to why I don’t agree.  

<3 <3 

#that's how s.o. sees it #Anonymous

[myimaginesandrp]

Midnight on Star Killer Base

(Kylo Ren x Reader)

A/N This one is written by me and is full of gramatical errors. Please be kind. Also! Thanks to everyone that takes the time to read this :) This is part 2 of “Midnight in the Forrest” (But you can read it as a stand alone too)

Summary: After being captured by The First Order, you discover you’ve been in a coma for weeks. You have questions and Kylo Ren has answers.

“Take this one back to my ship. She has the intel we need”

And with that , Kylo Ren disappeared into the night.

As they took you towards the ship, you looked around frantically for a sign of any survivors from your group, but your efforts were cut short by the two guards pulling you away. With one last look back at the forest you prayed that your friends had somehow made it to safety. The door closed behind you and you looked ahead at the uncertain future that stood before you.

...

The rest of the night went by in blurs; time disappeared in a haze of movement. The exhaustion of the night had become too much for you to bear. In between sleep and reality you managed to catch glimpses of what was happening. Images of droids working on your wounds and an unbearable pain as they finished. During a spur of time a group of guards came in to interrogate you, but you couldn’t make out what was real anymore. Still, you swore that every so often you could see a shadow of black looming over you. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, you were left alone and sleep took over.

When you came to, the room you found yourself in was dim and empty. Nothing gave away the time of day it was, but by the silence outside the room, it could be night again. You were in a bed and across the chamber you could make out long panels filled with what you thought were medical supplies. You reached down and felt your abdomen patched up, your wrists were free from restraints but adorned with patches of purple and black. Stiffly, you sat up and took in the room. It looked nothing like you’d seen before and definitely wasn’t a prison cell. Thru the darkness you could see everything was sleek and new, nothing compared to the resistance camps you grew accustomed to.

A tray of food was placed within your reach and you helped yourself to the broth, the warm liquid bringing a sense of relaxation. The scent brought you back to your childhood. It tased just like the one your mother would make back home. A few minutes later you sat in your bed, your broth finished and your belly satisfied. What kind of place was this?

A soft glow began shining from the crystal around hour neck; tentatively you took it in your hand, remembering the last time it had done that. Could it all have been a dream? Was Ben really alive, or had it been a sick mind trick the masked man had played on you?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the hiss of the doors opening. You kept your gaze locked to the ground expecting another interrogation. They couldn’t get any information from you, you wouldn’t allow it. A dark figure stood towering above you, this time the crimson glow of his saber was missing, only the glow of your crystal gave you visibility.

“You’re awake”

His voice was just as cold and distant as you’d remembered it , distorted by the mask he wore.

“You’ve been asleep for weeks” he continued.

Weeks? How could you’ve been out for so long? It was only a blaster wound.

“I had to use the force to heal you”

That last statement caught you off guard. You looked up to see if you could catch anything that gave away a lie. Why? How? This new information only confused you to no end, causing your head to spin.

He didn’t answer your questions, instead he just studied your face for a longtime. Seconds turned into uncomfortable minutes and he stood there without a word. Unsure of what sort of tactics he was playing, you decided to break the silence.

“Do you need the intel we recovered so badly?” You tried to convince yourself that was the reasoning behind his kindness. What could this man possibly gain out of you remaining alive?

“Well, I promise you I’m not telling you anything”

“You gave me everything I need already” he assured. His smug tone of voice made your blood boil.

“Where am I? Who are you?” You demanded only to be received with silence once more.

He leaned in closer to you until his mask was only inches from your face.

“You know who I am”

The crystal was glowing so brightly you could see the shadow of his eyes behind the mask. You took your gaze away from him. No, He couldn’t be Ben. It couldn’t be. He took the crystal in his fingers, free from the gloves he wore before and studied it for a moment.

“You kept it”

You heard clink followed by a small hiss beside you. He took his mask off and it tempted you to look back at him, but you couldn’t dare accept the truth. The crystal dropped back to you and it felt like fire on your chest.

“Y/N”

The voice calling out to you couldn’t be real. It was no longer the distorted noise, instead it was so soft and rich like you remembered it to be. He must’ve been playing tricks with you.

“I’m not” he assured.

Tears began to pool in your eyes. Could it really be him?

“Y/N” he repeated “ Look at me”

It took everything in you to lift your gaze to meet him. Two brown eyes stared back at you, full of sadness and guilt. His features were all the same, and yet he looked like a completely different man. His hair was longer, and a large scar ran across his cheek.

“Ben!” you cried out

Something inside you switched when you saw him standing in front of you. The tears you’d been holding back began to flow in a steady stream down your cheeks. You reached for him but you body disagreed.

“Easy” he said as he sat down on the bed, trying to stop your movement. He examined your wound and sighed with relief before looking back at you.

“You’re alive. Is it really you?”

He nodded and placed a warm hand on your cheek. You leaned into it, fearing it would disappear any moment; just as it had many times before. Words left you lips before you could think. A dam had broken inside you and you couldn’t stop.

“I thought you were dead. I looked for you for months. The temple, the fires. Leia said you were gon-“

He placed his thumb over your lips, and the touch sent shivers running down your body.

“I know” he said “but none of it was your fault”

“I lost you Ben, you promised me”

Your tears turned into heavy sobs as the memories of long ago flooded your mind. His arms wrapped around you then, gently and tenderly holding you close to him. You held on to him as the grief you’d kept hidden for the past year finally broke you. He sat there with you as your memories played in his mind, each one breaking his heart more and more.

After a few minutes, you were calm enough to talk to him. Your words were mere whispers in the night. You told him everything that he didn’t see in your memories. Everything from that night until that day you joined the resistance, how his mother, father, and chewie took care of you the moment he was gone. He listened calmly, his fingers gently caressing your hands. When you finished a deep sigh escaped your lips. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from you. All except one thought lingered in your mind.

“What happened to you?”

His body tensed up at the question.

“ I need to know” you pleaded.

After a moment of thought, he nodded in agreement. He reclined you both into the bed until you were both laying down, his arms never parting from you. You rested your head on his chest, still in disbelief that he was actually there with you.

With a sigh he began his story, pausing now and again to answer your questions.

“Luke tried to kill me....

“I thought you were dead...

“Snoke took me in, showed me the power of the force...

Once he was done you stayed in silence, processing what he’d just confessed to you and letting the new reality of who he was now sink in.

“You turned to the dark side Ben”

Your hand reached up to touch your throat.

Your body began to tremble with fear at the memory of his hand choking you. He sat up immediately, taking your hands in his.

“Y/N don’t be afraid ” He said locking his eyes with yours.

“I didn’t know it was you” He promised “I will never hurt you. And I will never let anyone else hurt you”.

Your gaze dropped to the floor

“What about the others? You’ve killed Ben”

“Snoke. He’s in my head. I have to serve him, until I am strong enough”

You shook your head not understanding what he meant.

“Soon” he continued “I will be, and I will be free from him”

Every single part of your being wanted to believe him, that the man you loved was really there in front of you, but everything was happening so fast.

“You’ll understand soon enough” he assured.

He lifted your chin and your eyes met again. “For now, you need to rest”

He moved to stand but you tightened your grip on him afraid he’d disappear into the darkness again.

“No, please stay”

He complied with your request and turned to lay with you, his arms wrapping around you once more, this time pulling you closer. He placed soft kisses on your forehead before you buried your face in his neck.

“Rest, I’ll be here when you wake up”

Reluctantly, you agreed. After that emotional breakdown, your eyelids were so heavy and you couldn’t fight them any longer. Within minutes sleep took over, and for the first time in a long, long time, you felt safe.

Part 1

Part 3

#kylo ren imagine #kylo ren x y/n #kylo ren x reader #ben solo imagine #ben solo x y/n #star wars imagine #starwars fanfic #ben solo x reader

[musashi]

Can we ask you for advice on character development and interaction for a pokemon fanfic? I love Denounce the Evils and want to capture that amazing feeling from reading it with my own characters.

first off, thanks for liking my fic! ToT dang!

so, on development:

have an idea mapped out of where your character is and where you want them to go by the end. that is really the bluntest advice i can give. you need a start point and an end point, and how you fill in the time in between has to do with the external factors in your story and how your characters react to them as time passes.

think about the relationships you want your characters to have in the beginning, too! make little pairs and write out a list of traits you want their relationship to have. sibling-like? romantic? best friends? multi-layered? rivals? write the names of two characters and beneath that, write how each of them feels about each other. how does x feel about y? how does y feel about x? this will inform plot points, conflicts, and how they speak to one another. if they clash on two ideas, that’s an opportunity to expand upon. do they compromise? how big of a rift does it cause if they dont? 

i’m gonna give you a mountain of DTE talk as an example just because we’re both familiar with it and i talk best in examples honestly xD im sorry this got so long and its just me talking about my own ass story.... but i super do not know how to like... give general advice, so i wanna like. idk. walk you through my own process? yeah

there’s actually two simultaneous developments each character is going thru at once--all three of them need to achieve the goal of, ultimately, growing to be heroes rather than villains. this was the easier bit to develop, because they were fairly soft-hearted villains to begin with. it really was a matter of dissection first--what motivates team rocket to be villains? the answer to that is: stability, money, freedom. villainy is a career to them, so in chapter one i mercilessly destroyed their organization. that left their main motivations: stability, money, and freedom. the rest of the story is about them finding that elsewhere. they don’t know where elsewhere is, so they travel the world until they do. 

good deeds don’t always immediately yield results. this is a lesson they have to learn, and they have to choose to do good anyways. their past will often creep up and hold them accountable. they have to fight their urge to make excuses for their past selves. and at certain points, they have to resist the temptation to go back to the comfort of villainy. but, as i’ve said, they’re all very softhearted individuals. its easier to make them choose good than say, a villain like hunter j or giovanni.

this is the plot-centric character development--this is was fuels the story and the conflicts they face as a group with a shared past. the other running character development happening is their individual development. this dictates 1. how they interact with one another and 2. how they might splinter off from the group and interact with various people they meet along the way.

meowth’s arc is the simplest--it revolves around this idea that haunts him: that he’s alone in the world, caught between two states of being, never quite knowing where he fits in and searching for a home. his end is that he realizes homes are made, not found, and that he’s always been exactly where he belongs--with his two best friends, with his family.

james’s arc is about healing from his trauma, a trauma he is ruled by. he allows others to step on him because its what he knows, he runs from hard conversations because he sees his abusers in everyone and everything, he leaves his friends behind because he legitimately believes he is doing them a service. james has a martyr complex and can’t fathom he’s loved by anyone--he considers himself a burden, so he’s self-sacrificial to a fault to lessen that burden. his end is to be the opposite of ALL this--in the end, james is brave. he faces everything head on, he has conversations with what scares him even if his hands shake and his voice gives out. he advocates for himself, he looks his abusers in the eyes and tells them who he is and they see it and they’re scared. he reunites with all the friends he left behind and gives them a second chance even when he doesn’t fully believe he’s good for them, he trusts them. he might not entirely believe that his presence in anyone’s life matters, but his friends and pokemon believe that, and he trusts them. 

jessie’s arc is about a lot of the same stuff james’ is about--overcoming the trauma that rules her. in her case its traumatic abandonment, and her fierce prioritization of herself. jessie loving herself is not a toxic trait by any means, but where it comes from is problematic--she loves herself so wholly because she believes that if she doesn’t, no one ever will. she’s obsessed with being someone’s wife because once that happens, in her head, thats it! they cant abandon her! they cant leave! she’s safe! she’s secure! all her actual toxic traits revolve around her fear of abandonment & her history with it--she abandons her own friends in a heartbeat because she’s scared of them doing it to her first. she refuses to be vulnerable or open up deeply to the people closest to her because she’s scared of them loving her, and her loving them back, and that love being fostered, and the euphoria of that... and how bad it will hurt when they leave. she’s incredibly sensitive and masks it with anger, and overall she’s just a neglected person who needs to be loved for who she is, but who struggles with finding someone to love her because she’s become so sharp and walled in DUE to all that neglect.

her end is realizing that she’s wasting her life living in fear of this heartache. that never being abandoned again is not worth living a life without love. and while my message was never really meant to be “jessie has to change herself to be loved” (i try to make it clear james fell in love with her at first sight when they were kids xD) she CHOOSES to make several changes: she chooses to open up to her friends, and she CHOOSES to compromise and make little sacrifices for their own well-being now and then. 

going back to character relationships, i always knew DTE was going to be a rocketshipping story, and a huge part of that was because i was dissatisfied with reading very few realistic takes on their relationship’s development. fanfiction is meant to be self-indulgent, but jessie and james are polar opposites. in some ways, that makes them an amazing couple! but there is a LOT of shit they feel different on, and so their development largely revolved around their inability to meet each other on the same wavelength before finally brute forcing it and putting in the work. i knew i wanted them to have a screaming match with one another by the time the fic was done, because the build-up of tension between them over the years needed to come to a head so they could both break down and just talk.

james runs from things he’s scared of. jessie is scared of people running from her. james thinks he’s lower than dirt. jessie thinks she’s the most important thing in the world. james is canonically gamophobic & has PTSD revolving entirely around marriage. jessie is obsessed with being someone’s wife. james desires freedom because he was raised in stifling conditions. jessie desires stability because she was raised in conditions that constantly changed. my assignment is to somehow make them fall in love.

this is what i’m talking about when i say conflicts are key to informing development. ultimately, conflicts are contrasted against how much your characters are willing to compromise for one another. early on in the story, they might fight and stew and mess things up and be incredibly clumsy with one another. as they work on their issues, these conflicts can keep coming up, and every time, you can make them compromise a little more. 

in DTE, my best example of this is the fire stone. jessie snags it for herself in chapter 4, and immediately starts dreaming up a future where she has the flareon she always wanted. but jessie’s arc is about how love requires compromise, and how falling in love with someone can make those compromises come almost instinctively. so in chapter 16, she gives the stone to james without a moment’s hesitation. in the chapter before this, she’s the one to stoke her anger and admit she knows nothing about why he’s so disgusted by this baby oddish they just hatched. these little moments of compromise build. the reader remembers them, james remembers them, and they allow him to make his own compromises. 

when one character shows growth, the people close to them are likely to have moments where they stop and think--wow, they’ve grown, haven’t they? maybe... i can do that, too.

again sorry i just blathered on about my own ass story, its just the hardest i’ve ever really thought about this kinda stuff so its my reference level, tbh. i would say, plot out your story. plot out your characters--their good traits, their bad ones, where they are, and where you want them to go. as you hit points in the storyline, you can think “this is the perfect place for these two to conflict” or “this is the perfect bit for a small victory.” and you can just gradually change and shift those interactions as time goes on. thats kinda how i played it! i had a lot of little scenes i wanted to write, and how my characters developed changed and shifted and melded to those scenes. 

and remember, you are in control. this is your canon. anything you’re not happy with, you can change and rework! take it seriously, but don’t stress out too much. overall, the one thing you need to always take to heart: just write. dont let the fear of doing it wrong paralyze you into making nothing at all.

good luck!

#dteblogging #wendy rambles #chaospulsar #wendy answers

[bougiebutbalanced]

An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there.  This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember. 

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt. 

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself. 

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle. 

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last. 

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.”  Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom 

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.  

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery. 

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day.  I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and  went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya    that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain. 

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave. 

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war.  Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love. 

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes  allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure. 

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric) 

Love Me <3 

#goal weight #weight loss journey #health #fitness #health and body #vegan #body postivity #love yourself #gratitude

[loserholland]

𝐄𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐞

𝟎𝟏𝟏 ➺ 𝐑𝐮𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

Pairing ➺  Ceo playboy!Ben Hardy x Reader

Warning ➺ oH baby lot’s of drama angst baby

Word Count ➺ 2,040

Summary ➺ An arranged marriage between two polar opposites.

A/N ➺  A new series! So after watching BoRhap I instantly fell in love again with Ben Hardy who plays Roger Taylor! Message me or send me an ask if you’d like to be on the taglist!

Sorry for the little updates and sadness in this chapter, i just had to do it.

Send me your thoughts, feelings, everything! It makes me day/night!

Also send me your theories! Love reading them! TEEHEHHEH

✿ 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓣𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽 ✿ - @hollandfieldblurbs , @beerbottlesandchainsaws

❁ 𝐄𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ❁ - @financialinstability , @magicwithaknife , @xrumkugelx , @rogertaylorsblondhair, @hollyissuchahoe , @yourkindabrainy-ilikeit, @fsociety00da1, @lee-519 , @2ptonpt, @sherlokiantheatrenerd , @local-radical-bandit , @calumfornicationx , @softcillian, @kittysblog14 , @peach-barnes , @prettyoddbarnes  , @spideyyypeter, @adepressedstudentslife , @wowza-bowza , @stilesneedsprotection , @anamcg317 , @indescribxbl , @heinz-doofenshmirtz-official , @loveofmylifeben , @captainxmoony , @whateverbakesyourcake , @waving-thru-a-window  , @benhrdy , @beerbottlesandchainsaws , @frietjemeloen , @kirket03 , @emmieliabedelia , @sabbrriiinnaa , @justinemayi , @bummmblebeee  , @wolverinesbeer , @allieburakovsky  , @chocolatekisses8 , @i-the-fangirl, @secretsweetscollectionblog, @ksqueenie, @virtualsheepeat​

☞  Masterlist  ☜

The past month had been dreadful, with everything that happened at the engagement party it took a toll on both Ben and (Y/N). Well on the entire family. (Y/N) had asked Ben if she could spend some time in New York for a while, not wanting to be away from work to prevent her father from brining Presley in to take her place.

He abided by it, agreeing to take some time away from one another after everything that happened. They spent most of their times busy at work, staying late nights not wanting to go home to an empty bed. Before bed they’d text each other goodnight, talk every morning. It was an understatement to say it wasn’t awkward between the two right now after her own sister turned out to be his ex.

There are times when she’d lay in bed, staring at the beautiful ring that rest on her left. Before when she’d look down at the beautiful diamond ring, she’d think about the time Ben proposed and how beautiful the diamond glimmered in the moonlight. 

Now, however. She couldn’t help but wonder if Ben had kept this ring for Presley, she wondered if he just kept it after Presley left. “Wow, he got you the ring I wanted!” what a bitch move Presley, typical bitch move no typical Presley move. 

She hasn’t spoken to her father after what he had said during her engagement party, her own father went behind her back and asked for her sister’s help. Instead of coming to her and asking what she planned to do after marriage.

“Who said anything about me moving to London?” (Y/N) shouted, everyone had left the event leaving behind the (Y/L/N) Alexa had left them alone due to how much they had to discuss and needed to have one with Ben as well.

“You’re getting married (Y/N)! You’re gonna want to have kids! I know you two have a house there in London! Your sister is a great fit for COO!” Andrew argued, this just added more to (Y/N) anger she wanted to throw the champagne into her father’s face, she wanted to scream at him for doing such thing.

“We haven’t heard from her for six years dad! Six years so you think it’s okay to invite her back into our lives?” guilt soon began to sink the bottom of Andrew’s stomach, he knew that what he would say would cause his daughter’s heart to break even more.

“I’ve been in contact with her ever since she left.” 

Now that fucking hurt. So all those nice things he said for her twenty-first birthday was all a lie? All the praising and making her look like the golden child was all for show? 

(Y/N) laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling debating if she should call Ben or not. They did agree on taking some time off, but all she wanted was to be in his arms. She laid there for a moment, weighing out the yes’ and no’s to call Ben now she found herself with the phone against her ear as the line rang.

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong?” Ben’s tone was raspy and groggily, she frowned lightly realizing she had disturbed his sleep, it was 11 in New York and 4 in London he’d head to work in a few hours and she mentally scolded herself for waking her fiancé up.

“Uh-it’s nothing sorry for waking you up.” Ben sighed rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turned to lay on his back brining his left arm to rest behind his head. “What’s wrong?” he questioned again causing (Y/N) to bring her bottom lip between her teeth quiet for a moment before answering.

“I-I just miss you.” (Y/N) mumbled causing a small smile to tug at his lips “I miss you too.” he answered, did he though? Did he miss her? Or does he still miss Presley?

Ben began to go out more, spent most of the evening taking shots after shots, ignoring his friends who pleaded for him to stop. Leaving the club was the hardest part, stumbling out with the help of your friends flashing lights coming from every direction made him feel dizzy. 

“Where’s your fianceé?” a pap questioned causing Ben to stop in his tracks removing himself from his friends and moved over to the pap, staring at him for a second before Ben’s fist met his face. Boy will his mother hear it from him, she had yelled at him more than usual in the past month. Ever since the engagement party, she’s been in a sour mood and I don’t think that’s gonna change.

“Taytum is fucking Presley?” Alexa roared she paced around her hotel room, slowly trying to calm down and bring her heart rate to a normal level, “Oh that bitch is back to hurt both you and (Y/N).” Alexa said with a chuckle, shaking her head at the thought of Taytum’s pettiness. “Worst part, she wants to hurt her own sister and you gave the ring that she wanted to (Y/N)?!” 

Ben massaged the temples of his head, trying to process everything his mother said thinking of an answer for his mother who was completely outraged with today’s events. 

“Mum, I-” Alexa turned to look down at her son poiting her index finger in his face, “You kept the fucking ring for Taytum? Why did you have a ring anyway hm?” Ben buried his face into his hands, ignoring his mother’s questions for a moment not wanting to tell her why, not wanting to give a reason on why he had a ring for Taytum. 

“I was gonna propose to Taytum.”

But she cheated, which left Ben broken hearted and a party boy who didn’t care for his reputation let alone his family name and just wanted to forget about the girl who hurt him and left a scar that was still healing after four years.

(Y/N) was planning on staying late for the fifth time this week, not wanting to go open to an empty house with no one to talk to. There was a small knock on her office door, “Come in.” she answered as the door slowly creaked open revealing Vivian. 

“Hey Viv, what’s up?” she questioned before she fixed her attention back on the papers that laid in front of her, signing her name on the contracts that she had agreed to partner with. “Hey, I just wanted to check up on you before I go.” Vivian was worried for her best friend, she noticed (Y/N) began to spend most of her nights in the office. “I’m fine, thanks for asking. See you tomorrow.” she answered quickly as Vivian pressed her lips into a thin line, giving (Y/N) a small nod before leaving. 

Tonight was one of those nights, if it was too late to leave she’d just sleep on her couch that she had in her office. She’d leave early to shower and get a change of clothes along with some breakfast, I guess it’s safe to say she was living at work.

Ben entered his house, after a long day he just wanted a few glasses of wine and his bed. He tugged at his tie loosening the fabric that was around his neck all day, walking into the kitchen he turned the lights on gasping loudly at the figure who sat on the bar stool near the island. 

“Hi Benny, I just want to talk.” Presley said innocently twirling a strand of hair around her fingers staring back at Ben with doe eyes in hopes he’d agree to let her stay. 

“Fuck you Taytum or should I say Presley? How the fuck did you even get in here?” Ben moved around the kitchen grabbing himself a wine glass and a fresh bottle of white wine, pouring the clear liquid into his glass awaiting for Presley’s answer. 

She lifted the spare key he left hidden under the doormat and smiled as it gleamed in the light, “Found your spare key, typical of you to hide it under your mat.” she said sarcastically, continuing to push at his buttons watching as his downed the wine and refilled the glass. 

“I just want to talk Benny.” he scoffed lightly shaking his head as he drank the wine from his glass, setting it down roughly onto the counter. “Talk about what? You cheating on me? Lying to me? What is there to talk about?” Ben slurred soon forgetting his glass and lipped the bottle of wine downing as much liquid as possible. 

“I still love you Benny.” Presley muttered, this was all a game of her’s wanting to draw Ben in to play “Well I don’t love you.” Ben said simply as Presley shook her head, standing from her seat and stalked over to her old flame bringing her hands up to his cheeks. The pad of her thumb rubbed against his cheekbone, “Don’t lie to yourself Benny, I know you still love me.” his mind slowly began to cloud unsure of how to answer the person who broke his heart.

As much as it hurt to admit but it’s true, he did still love her. “If you didn’t love me, I’d be out of this house by now.” he wanted to throw her out, he wanted to scream at her for ruining his engagement party, he wanted her to oblige his wish of never seeing her again yet here they were.

Before he could even process what was happening, her lips were on his and he didn’t even try to pull away from her. 

He just let it happen.

(Y/N) quietly unlocked the door of her and Ben’s shared home, wanting to surprise her fiancé. After a month she’d finally be in the same bed as him, engulfed in his warmth to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. She tiptoed up the stairs, not wanting to wake him up after a long day at work. A small moan echoed through the hallway slowly causing her stomach to turn, the closer she got to their room the louder it grew now her hand rest on the door knob.

The sight before her caused her gasp loudly the two in bed turned their attention to the door, Ben’s face washed over with worry pushing Presley off of his naked body. 

“(Y/N)” he said breathlessly pulling at the duvet to cover his lower half, watching as (Y/N) backed away from the door.

Tears blurred her vision as Ben trailed closer to her, she banged her fist against his chest and slapped his face he did deserve it. “Why?” (Y/N) whimpered pushing Ben away when he tried to wrap his arms around her, “Why?” guilt crashed into him like a wave unsure of what to do or say. 

“You’re just like her Ben.” she turned on her heels, descending down the stairs and headed for the door Ben was hot on her trailed following behind her keeping the duvet around him. 

“Was any of it even true?” (Y/N) questioned, was any of the i love you’s, thank you for making me happy again, all the love and memories they created together. 

Were they all true?

“Yes, everything I did with you was true I love you (Y/N)” Ben answered wanting nothing more than to slap himself for hurting such an amazing person who gave him a reason to live again, yet he fucked it all. (Y/N) removed the ring from her ring finger, she didn’t want to do remove it, but after what she just saw it was the right thing to do.

“Rule number three, be faithful.” 

Final rule, this may be hard for you.. be faithful

Those words echoed through his mind, remembering the first day they met.

(Y/N) placed her ring into his hand “Goodbye Benjamin.” Ben looked down at the ring, he fucked up, he fucked up a good thing. He just lost the best thing that ever happened to him and there was no way in hell he’d get her back. He had just broken a promise he made and there was no coming back from that.

Being faithful isn’t hard if you really care about them.

#ben hardy #ben hardy au #ben hardy fanfiction #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy x you #roger taylor fanfiction #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #loserholland