#that’s probably a symptom for something but does it really matter. I still don’t know what to do with my life because I don’t care about
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HOW TO ENTER THE VOID STATE WITHOUT VOID CONCEPT!!! (Guaranteed) ❦❦❦❦❦❦❦
(Warning!!!Long post ahead)
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🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
I know some people will heavily disagree with me about this. But I really believe there is a way to enter the void without having to have a good void concept.
All you need is to believe in the void state. That’s it.
The technique:
- Get into a comfortable position.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
- Clear your mind with a meditation or something. Maybe by breathing etc, whatever works for you. I really recommend DMT waves to calm your mind. Know that it is important to feel calm physically and mentally. Although it is not completely necessary if you are experienced.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
- Once you feel relaxed and have a clear mind, start to affirm your affs for the void state. E.g. “I am pure consciousness” “I am void” “I am in the void state” (You don’t need to affirm, just do anything that distracts you from the 3D, like focusing on your breath, or focusing on the darkness behind your eyes. Anything is alright as long as it doesn’t lead to you falling asleep or paying attention to the 3D).🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
- Acknowledge that you do not need to completely block out the 3D. What i mean by “block out” is that you may still be able to hear and feel the 3D. Just don’t focus your attention onto it. Your attention should be on your affirmations or whatever else you chose to focus on (doesn’t have to be affirmations). Also if you get an itch, ignore it, but if it’s too unbearable and it’s completely ruining your focus, there’s no harm in scratching it. You may ask “but why can i scratch it? I have to stay still or i won’t enter the void.” The thing is, this technique does not require you to turn off your left brain as you will normally start to feel symptoms within 2-5 minutes within doing so, and it takes 15-20 minutes to turn off your left brain. Of course you can turn off your left brain by relaxing whilst staying still for 15-20 minutes if that is what you resonate with better. Know that scratching an itch, or shuffling around does not stop you from entering the void. It does not “ruin your progress” either. That is impossible. The void is within you, you cannot run from yourself. YOU ARE THE VOID!🖤🖤🖤
- Know that you do not have to feel symptoms like floating. This is a big misconception. Ofcourse symptoms are very common, but not everyone experiences them. People feel like they can’t enter the void because the symptoms aren’t there to “tell them” that they are “doing it right”. As long as you are not focused on the 3D, you ARE doing it right. Stop stressing. You are supposed to feel relaxed. Stressing is the opposite of relaxation.🖤🖤🖤🖤
- This process will probably take you around 5 minutes. Ofcourse it depends on you as a person. Like how long it takes you to clear your mind. Or how long it takes you to feel comfortable. This should not take more than 1-10 minutes. Most likely will take 2-5 minutes. But don’t worry if it takes longer than that. Erase the stress and anxiety from your mind because you know for a fact that you are going to enter the void. I promise that this cannot fail you. It is literally impossible. It is not based on assumption. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it’s difficult to enter the void state. Just know that you are going to enter the void very quickly because there is no other outcome after doing this. There is no “failure”. 🖤🖤🖤🖤
- You will most likely start to feel floating symptoms etc. Spinning, falling (If you are someone who doesn’t usually feel symptoms, that is fine). When things get more intense the floating feeling might make you feel like you are “panicking”. But don’t worry, just focus and relax. 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
- THIS IS A VERY CRUCIAL PART!!! Do not focus on your symptoms. Of course you can feel them, but do not pay attention to them. Do not focus on them. There you go. You are in the void.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
See how easy it is. Try it for yourself and watch how failure doesn’t exist. I don’t care what your void concept is like. I don’t care whether you think you can’t do it. You have no choice when doing this method. This has been used for years and years. It is literally just detachment from the 3D. It is not difficult.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
BIG MISTAKES PEOPLE MAKE:
Some people make some really silly mistakes and then complain about “not being able to enter the void.”🖤🖤🖤
MISTAKE NUMBER 1:
- Anticipating entering the void. Your goal should be to relax. Of course to eventually enter the void, but if you are anticipating by thinking “When am i going to enter the void?!” “When am i going to start feeling symptoms?” then you are just going to stress yourself out. Do not do this! When you are clearing your mind, set the intention of entering the void and just relax and know that you are going to enter.🖤🖤🖤
MISTAKE NUMBER 2:
- Thinking that movement is not allowed. You ARE allowed to move around and adjust your position. It doesn’t “slow you down” or “ruin your progress”. It doesn’t stop you from entering. So stop stressing. Moving around only matters when you are turning your left brain off, but this method does not require that. I’ve moved around plenty of times and i’ve seen many success stories of people who have moved around whilst literally having a terrible void concept on top of that.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
MISTAKE NUMBER 3:
- When people start to feel the symptoms, they drift their attention to the 3D and how their physical body feels. DO NOT DO THIS!! Just keep focusing on what you were focusing on before, then you will enter the void in a few seconds. Literally. I always used to do this and just yesterday i stopped letting the symptoms get the best of me and get distracted by them, i kept persisting in my affirmations whilst affirming to enter the void and i felt myself entering but since i didn’t want to enter (because i am a dumbass), i woke myself up. But it’s TOO easy. Okay. Ignoring symptoms are ridiculously easy.
WHAT TO DO IF I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO IGNORE SYMPTOMS?
There are many ways you can ignore symptoms:
For mild focus (when you don’t feel symptoms yet):
- Focus on breathing and breathing only.
- Focus on affirming and affirming only.
- Focus on the darkness behind eyes only
For when you start to feel symptoms but they aren’t that intense:
- Focus on breathing and affirming only.
- Focus on breathing and darkness only.
- Focus on affirming and darkness only.
For when symptoms start to get really intense and you can feel yourself entering the void:
- Focus on all three simultaneously.
If you still find it easy to focus on ONE thing when things get intense (which they might not) then that’s fine. You don’t have to focus on more than one thing. That’s just a solution for people who can’t. Also i just have examples of what to focus on. Ofc you can focus on random thoughts or anything detached from the 3D. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
See how easy it is. Go enter the void rn and have fun whether you just wanted peace or to manifest something!!!🖤🖤🖤
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🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
Sincerely, - Gossip Girl 💋💋💋
#void state#loa blog#loa tumblr#void#loablr#manifestation#loa#void state tips#the void state#void concept#b
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(This gets a little rant-y sorry!)
I just saw the post that somebody said about Annabeth and Percy dropping out of college and I totally see that.
Something that I see a lot, especially in fanfiction, is people forgetting that these 2 are neurodivergent and severely traumatized.
College is really hard. In general, for a neurotypical person, it would be difficult.
I'm writing this from an autistic, dyslexic, adhd, ptsd point of view. College is really fucking hard.
I've seen fics where people will talk about how they'll be taking 4-5 classes per semester. That's not really possible for them.
I have been taking one class a semester, and it is excruciating.
Granted, I do not go to New rome University, which is mainly demigods. So it might be tailored differently to how most demigods learn, but still, college is really difficult.
I could definitely see them trying college but taking it at a substantially lower pace than normal.
Like the original ask said, they might just drop out because it would be too much of a mental load.
Especially because of how soon the turnaround is from their severe trauma (tartarus) and them going to college. Even if they tried their best, they wouldn't do well. (This is also me speaking from experience. When I was going through stuff in high school, it made my gpa drop like a brick.)
I'm just tired of people acting like the only symptoms of their trauma is bad dreams and that their only symptoms of their adhd and dyslexia are "oh squirrel!" And not being able to read.
(Sorry for ranting. This is just kind of a sore subject for me. Especially recently, I have had to deal with some ableism from my professor, and I'm looking into transferring to a different college because of it)
thanks for the ask @invadericee!
i totally see where you’re coming from. college is really really hard on its own. being dyslexic, adhd, and traumatized does not help.
however, i really do not believe that they would drop out. the biggest reason being they are both so determined to get though it. and when those two are determined, nothing is stopping them.
you also have to remember that new rome university doesn’t just accommodate for kids like them. the university is made specially for people like them. most everyone there has adhd. most everyone there has dyslexia. and many of them have ptsd. and likely, the teachers and staff are demigods. so they are the same way, and therefore know how to teach in a way that actually works for them. also, new rome university is a very very small college, so the students would get a lot of one-on-one time with professors and counselors, etc. so i don’t believe their learning disabilities will hurt them very much there, because the entire system is built around them having those learning disabilties. you know?
but i completely agree with you that i don’t like how people downplay their trauma a lot. and rick riordan himself is the biggest suspect of this. in chalice of the gods, percy and annabeth are mainly just happy to be alive and having a good time, and percy only makes one passing remark about his mental state not being great. and i get why rick didn’t dive into it - he wanted the book to just be happy and silly and enjoyable. but still, i wish he would show how they’re coping a little bit more. in the bits i’ve seen of TSATS, sally mentions how percy and annabeth have horrible nightmares, which probably means percy wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. but like you said, ptsd isnt just nightmares. and adhd and dyslexia aren’t just cute little issues either. now, i will say, i don’t think their adhd is the same kind you and i have. theirs is more hyperactivity than anything. and while most people with adhd struggle with not being able to focus on one thing, i think with them it’s more that they are constantly focused on a million things (becasue that keeps them alive.) i don’t know why it matters, but i just felt like giving my thoughts on that lol.
i don’t even know what my point is anymore. basically i don’t think college will be as hard for them as you think, but i agree with you on everything else 😂
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hey you, blogger. do you find yourself in incredible pain daily? even weekly? despite being in your 30s, or younger? despite doing everything that's ""supposed"" to help?
On top of being in incredible pain, can you or could you at any point in your life:
bend yourself into funny positions like putting your foot behind your head
can bend down without fanfare and put your palms COMPLETELY FLAT on the floor
do your elbows bend a bit backwards? how about your knees?
you can bend your pinkies backwards 90 degrees
you find your joints are incredibly weak and garbage; wrists often in pain despite doing stretches; shoulders/neck always hurting no matter how good your posture is; can’t get down on your hands and knees because doing so is Ow Ow Oof Ouch
you have gastrointestinal issues that you cannot link to food in any way (yes, for real,)
headaches/migraines – especially unexplained, but even if you do have an explanation (for real)
never had enough room in your mouth for your teeth
vision prescription gets better and then gets worse again and you find yourself very confused about how??? why????
have really bad allergies including “I can’t use x soap it gives me a rash for some reason” or other similar “coming into contact with certain things makes me break out” (it’s called MCAS, it’s often comorbid)
stand up and your heartrate spikes and/or you get dizzy (that’s called POTS, also comorbid)
Then, hi, you might possibly have something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS; specifically the hypermobile subtype (hEDS), which doesn’t yet have a known genetic marker and goes wildly underdiagnosed in patients, partly because the things they test for hypermobility are pretty limited, partly because doctors don’t know what it is, partly because doctors would rather diagnose you with a different condition (if arthritis or fibromyalgia diagnoses/treatment didn’t help, well...!) because if it sounds like a horse it’s PROBABLY a horse (but it could be a zebra)
Of course having any one of these does not an hEDS diagnosis make, but if you have multiple on my above list? Multiple of the list I am including below the cut? It’s worth looking into. You can continue on reading to see my brief overview, or you can head to www.ehlers-danlos.com to do your own research; they’re a great resource!
"I have a lot of these but not all of them" that's still worth looking into! I've only got five on the above list, and i definitely still have hEDS! Even three is worth considering!
more symptoms and info below the cut, if you want to hear it from a fellow blogger who was diagnosed at 25 and found the diagnosis Extremely Eye Opening as to why i was always in pain and Various Other Issues
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General hEDS info: EDS itself is a genetic disorder that affects your connective tissue, which in general makes your joints weak and your ligaments weaker. hEDS is the most common subtype, in which you have a lot of EDS traits AND hypermobility BUT none of the genetic markers for the 12 other EDS subtypes.
“Wait, but this thing I can do is normal, my whole family can do it!” or “my mother’s side of the family is all like this!” hEDS is genetic. It’s possible to have it if your parents don’t, but VERY unlikely. So unlikely, in fact, that having immediate family history of hEDS is one of the 3 main diagnostic criteria for it. (You can still get diagnosed if you hit the other 2, but they only ask for 2/3.)
“Surely it can’t be so hard to diagnose that doctors don’t notice it!” my sister did not find out until she was in her 30s, because one of her friends has hEDS, and when my sister was bemoaning how useless doctors were, her friend was like “....hey those sound like MY symptoms, have you considered you might have hEDS?” (Which, due to it being genetic, is how my mom and I found out we also probably had it.) Also, much like ADHD, doctors are wary of diagnosing people with it, afraid they’re just trying to get the “good” meds.
“What good does a diagnosis/research even do me?” 1) an explanation for why you’re in pain all the time 2) knowledge so you can avoid doing things that would hurt you (you have to be SOOO careful with most forms of exercise!) 3) it’s a disorder that warrants higher pain meds than what you can get OTC, so if you are seriously in a lot of pain all the time, and would like to not be...
I’m gonna put a more in-depth list of symptoms below. If you have any five of them, I highly suggest you poke around www.ehlers-danlos.com and do your own research, because even if you aren’t in a position to get a clinical diagnosis right now, even suspecting you MIGHT Have it is useful, either for an explanation for all the things that seem wrong with your body that couldn’t otherwise be explained, or to know that... hey, you should really be careful with what kinds of physical exercise you’re doing, because your risk of injury for some sports is WAY higher than it is for people who don’t have hEDS. More on that below, as well.
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Symptoms list time:
*THIS IS ALMOST DEFINITELY A MARKER OF hEDS*
hypermobile joints
unstable/weak joints
joints that dislocate frequently
CHRONIC PAIN
stretchy and fragile skin (classic EDS marker, but can show up in hEDS): do you bruise easily? Do cuts take forever to heal?
your parent(s) are also like this (it's a genetic disorder!! Chances are you got it from one of them!!! Love to hear “oh my hips do that too!!! Didn’t realize it wasn’t normal” thanks mom.)
"my parents don't have hEDS tho" are you sure. like. my mom didn't know until my sister found out she did. this thing is *wildly underdiagnosed*. Mom’s in her 50s and had doctors diagnose her with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the treatments for which didn’t help her because it wasn’t what was actually wrong
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*OTHER THINGS THAT OFTEN COME FREE WITH YOUR hEDS*
chronic fatigue
gastrointestinal issues (if you thought you had IBS, but hit any of the hEDS things, you should consider, well, an hEDS diagnosis; gastroparesis is a common comorbidity)
dysautonomia; i don't have this but it causes things like POTS or "heartrate spikes when i stand" or "i get dizzy when i stand and lose vision briefly"
headaches (and/or migraines!)
MCAS, aka really bad allergies. your nose gets offended at the slightest bit of pollen. the weirdest materials give you a rash. you can only use one soap because all the other ones make you break out. etc.
...ADHD. I’m not shitting you. It is so frequently comorbid that in the UK when you test positive for either ADHD or hEDS they will immediately test you for the other. Connective tissue exists in your brain, as well, so I guess if your connective tissue just doesn’t function properly...
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HEY CAN YOU PUT THIS IN NON-CLINICAL TERMS FOR ME
sure! did you, at any point in your life:
- able to bend into funny positions like put foot behind head; especially as a kid (hi! that's me!) but of particular note if you can still do those things now
- stretches like butterfly or crossing your arm over your chest just... don’t feel like stretches? (my sister)
- could you bend and without effort place your palms flat on the floor? can you still now? apparently most people struggle - without regular stretching - to touch their toes, let alone put their palms *completely flat* to the floor. that's hypermobility baby!
- elbows bend a little bit backwards? knees?
- can you bend your pinkies back 90 degrees?
- consider yourself double-jointed?
- shoulders/neck always hurt? and like your muscles are SOOOO tight in your neck all the time? hey guess what: the thing EDS does is make your body produce less collagen, which makes your ligaments weak as fuck, and so your muscles are constantly spasming to hold your head up. this is why you're in pain. this is why working the knots out never helps and they always come back. no, this isn't because you’re on your computer too much. your body was just built differently (poorly)
- stretching never seems to help? stretches make you hurt more??? or even: most forms of exercise cause you pain? yeah, most exercise/stretches are meant for Able Bodied People, not people with an underlying undiagnosed hypermobility disorder. You have to adapt them to your needs, and also stretches will never be the be-all-end-all solution to back pain like those funny little infographics on the internet will try and tell you. Maybe it is for able-bodied people, if you have a genetic condition that causes chronic pain, well,
- “but my shoulders are soooo tight tho” POINTING ABOVE AGAIN. they are doing that because the muscles have to overcompensate for your weak ligaments. Stretching does not fix this; you may loosen your muscles, but they will simply tighten again later. The real fix is doing exercises to improve your shoulder muscle stability – I’ll talk about some exercises below.
- have you ever thought to yourself "what the hell, i'm too young to be in this much pain all the time??" you're right! it might be hEDS.
- struggle with opening jars? weak upper body strength? randomly lose your grip on things you’re holding with your hands? “are you serious” I’m serious
- can't crawl on your hands and knees because that hurts your wrists and your knees?
- tangentially: did your parents say you crawled funny as a kid? army crawl? started walking way earlier than expected? yeah.
- you can't squat or kneel because ow oof ow your ankles ow ow your knees? yeah.
- is getting up from the floor hard sometimes?? despite being 30 or younger???? yeah.
- despite everything, and not trying to be, you're still kind of really flexible???
- like, you could do the splits as a kid without having to train yourself to do it?? you can still do the splits now without any effort at all?
- do you seem to get injured really easily? joints especially, or, again, bruised really easily.
- are you in pain right now? think about it. shoulders? back? legs? did you see the part where one of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS is chronic pain? yeah.
i could probably keep going.
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~here's some specific connective tissue disorder things; i've included only the extremely "normal" ones that haven’t already been listed above and/or are easy to check yourself. you can find a full list at https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ under "how is hEDS diagnosed?"~
listed above: stretchy/fragile skin. By stretchy btw I mean: can you pinch your skin anywhere and pull and get even half an inch away from your body? Neck/back of hand is a good place to try. If you can’t pinch your skin at all w/o hitting Meat then you don’t have this (I don’t, even tho my sister does!) but it’s worth looking out for and alone is like THE thing EDS (all types) is characterized by, so if your skin stretches, that’s of particular notice (but your skin not stretching does not disqualify you from having EDS)
stretch marks (they hate to use this if you're afab, but,)
"Bilateral piezogenic papules of the heel" uh when you're standing are your heels kinda. lumpy. like they got balls in 'em. that's what this is. (this is one of the things i have)
dental crowding (lol!!!!)
can you close your thumb+pinky around both your wrists? (steinberg sign)
when you make fists, thumbs underneath fingers, do your thumbs stick out past your fingers? (walker sign)
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“Hey, I’m not really hypermobile - is it still possible to have hEDS??”
in theory! I’m only mildly hypermobile myself, outside of the “foot behind head” trick from when i was ten and the “can even now at 25 bend down and put palms flat on floor with no effort” i have… basically no other signs of hypermobility. Though, I guess “things that should be stretches like butterfly or touching your toes are super easy and not stretches for me” also counts as being hypermobile, huh. It’s just really mild.
And, you know, maybe you just have a different EDS subtype. EDS as a whole is not super well understood, so the chances you got a doctor who didn’t know what it was / didn’t want to order a genetic test about it is still, like, high enough it’s worth looking into, I think.
Basically every issue my body has can be drawn back to hEDS, and that kind of knowledge is insane but also really liberating. There is a cause for this. I’m not just in pain for no reason – or worse – because I’m “bad” at taking care of myself. I have a genetic disorder that makes it so my joints don’t work right and also I’m in pain all the time. It’s not necessarily happy, but at least it’s an explanation, instead of sitting there and shrugging and going “I dunno” about it.
So, sincerely, if even five of the things I’ve listed above sound familiar to you, I think you should look into it. Maybe you’ll research and go “oh, that doesn’t sound like me at all, actually”, but on the chance you, like me, start researching and find yourself going “THAT’S WHAT’S BEEN CAUSING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME????” I think it’s worth looking into. That validation is sincerely quite freeing.
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“Ok, you've convinced me. Now what do I do?”
first of all research some more!
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/ <-- EDS overview and EDS subtypes! Maybe you have one that isn’t hEDS
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ <-- hEDS specific page
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/heds-diagnostic-checklist/ <-- hEDS diagnostic checklist
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/#1667831445611-fb40d58e-84a4 <-- the checklist opens on something called the Beighton scale, which is explained in more detail here. **IF YOU DO NOT SCORE HIGH ON THE BEIGHTON SCALE BUT STILL HAVE MOST OTHER HEDS ISSUES, PRESS FOR DIAGNOSIS NONETHELESS. ENTIRELY POSSIBLY YOU ARE HYPERMOBILE IN AREAS THAT AREN’T TRACKED BY THE BEIGHTON SCALE. IT’S IMPERFECT AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BUT THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.**
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/2017-eds-classification-non-experts/ <-- EDS things in layman’s terms, including comorbidities, like what I was talking about wrt gastrointestinal issues, orthopedic issues, chronic fatigue issues, etc, etc, etc. if you have issues with allergies look at the Mast Cell Disorder one. if you have that “heartrate spikes or I get dizzy when I stand” issue look at the Cardiovascular Autonomic Dysfunction one.
(ngl, sorry if its gross, but learning that hEDS often comes packaged with gastrointestinal issues was what really sealed the whole deal for me being convinced, despite “your sister has it and your mom almost definitely has it” being EXTREMELY damning evidence, because. I have had issues with diarrhea my whole goddamn life. I can’t tie it to food. It just curses me daily.)
second of all: talk to your doctor! or, find a doctor in your area that specializes in EDS. book an appointment, see what they can offer you. they can probably hook you up with physical therapy options (to safely strengthen your muscles to compensate for your weak connective tissue) or some pain management options! If you find the physical therapist is making you do things that make you hurt more and they repeatedly do not listen to you and your body, fire them and find a new physical therapist.
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/healthcare-professionals-directory/ <-- list of doctors.
Third of all: find a support group if you’d like? There’s FB groups and Reddit groups and probably even more. Links to some of them here: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/support/
YMMV because hEDS sometimes gets shit on by people with the other EDS subtypes, but at the very least, if a fellow Zebra is bitching about a doctor, you’ll know who to avoid.
Fourth: Just… if you think you might have it, I want you to take a step back and reconsider the way you feel about yourself and maybe about the exercise you are/aren’t doing. I had a lot of compounded guilt about how I “wasn’t taking good enough care of myself” ; when you’re in pain all the time you sometimes start blaming yourself, especially if you, like me, find that exercise is difficult and painful and that stretching doesn’t ACTUALLY help, you quit doing it. But you don’t always quit thinking “well apparently if I did those stretches to prevent back pain that people always talk about, then I wouldn’t have any back pain!!!!!!” and that kind of mindset... sucks.
It's also not true. Like, not in general, but also especially not if you have hEDS. My back is in pain because my body was built different (poorly), NOT because I “wasn’t doing the right thing”.
So here’s my get out of jail free card, for you. You aren’t in pain because you aren’t doing anything to “fix” it. You’re just in pain. Sure, you can do some (specialized) (hEDS friendly ones) exercises to help combat it, or you could go take some painkillers, but... your pain is not a punishment for your decision not to exercise. Your pain just kinda... is.
Every generalized exercise advice you see online you need to take with a grain of salt anyway, because it was not written for people with a hypermobility disorder. If doing it doesn’t help, then you don’t need to push through the pain because “it’s the thing that’s supposed to fix everything!!!!” No no. There is no correct answer. There is no one-size fits all. If it doesn’t help, or if it hurts, then you shouldn’t do it.
I say this from a place of love. I spent several months trying to fix my wrist pain with stretches, and you know what never went away? My wrist pain. In fact, I’m mildly convinced the stretches made the pain worse. I kept pushing through it for ages, though, because I kept getting told it was supposed to help, and that it was IMPORTANT as someone who spends all day on the computer to TAKE CARE OF MY WRISTS via THESE STRETCHES WE HAVE HELPFULLY COMPILED ONTO AN INFOGRAPHIC FOR YOU!!!!! ...but that’s not how it works. The rules are a little different when you have a hypermobility disorder. You have to really look into exercises that are safe for you to do, instead of just assuming the ones that everyone passes around are going to help.
“Man, so even those shoulder stretches you see around might not help?” nope! They might not!
“What do I do then?” strengthening exercises... I’ll put resources / explain one easy one (for shoulders) below.
Also if you are someone with a job that requires sitting at the computer all day, and you’re worried about how that affects your health... Even if you just get up once every two hours and walk around / look at something else (even your bathroom!!!) for a little bit, that’s fine, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough. You don’t have to stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes. You shouldn’t stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes if that’s hurting you.
RESOURCES TIME
1) https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/resource/strengthen-your-hypermobile-core-a-home-exercise-approach-for-eds-hsd-and-hypermobility-jeannie-di-bon/ <-- webinar that covers at-home exercises you can do
2) and a whole playlist of at-home exercises (in reasonable sized video chunks) by one of the experts, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp-oNOmoFdAMFZB7XfpUZyvg_xzE3S3Ue – DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT WATCHED OR USED THESE, SO WHILE I CAN SAY I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE FEATURED WERE SHE NOT A REAL EXPERT, PLEASE JUST. Err on the side of caution. If even one of these hurts you, try not to do it until you can talk with your personal physical therapist, which, yes, I realize requires Acquiring one first..... worth poking around tho, this person has a ton of tips on how to be careful with your joints while doing chores and day-to-day tasks as well, it seems. Actual advice that might actually help you instead of “oh make sure to stretch every 30 minutes!!!!” (might not help) or “have you tried jogging? Its free and easy!!!!!” (sport that is more likely to injure you thanks to the weak joints thing)
3) You can also search “exercise” on ehlers-danlos.com and come up with a ton of other pages/videos/etc of EDS friendly exercises produced by the experts that run this site.
4) That One Easy One I Can Explain In A tumblr Post: Bridging
Meant for core stability, but also works towards strengthening your shoulder muscles as well. Bridges!!! You can probably look up guides, or the lady I linked above has a video that includes her doing bridges about 4 minutes in. here's the video (link).
The version I do involves going up for five seconds, then down for five seconds, repeating for a minute (time yourself). Each day add on ten seconds (so second day you do a minute ten, third day minute twenty, etc) until you are eventually able to do it for three minutes. You do not need to go past three minutes. You are recommended not to. You are recommended to work up to 3 minutes and then continue doing it for 3 minutes every day.
(It doesn’t have to be every day nor does it necessarily have to be 3 minutes every time; if I’m tired or in a hurry I’ll just do two minutes. If I’m really tired I’ll just skip it and do it the next day. No big deal!)
That’s all I got. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hope it was enlightening at all!
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yesterday exist; so does today
Alzheimer is a hastle to deal with, you know this well, after all you’ve been here since the day you graduated nursing school, yet you’re still working in the central care centre for the paycheck. You know you shouldn’t have involved yourself in the matter of patients, realising it would emotionally torture you till you retire.
kaeya & fem!reader (platonic relationship)
implied major character death, mentions of suicide, heavy angst, comfort/hurt
note: hmmm honestly i don’t really know what i write since i write this out of boredom..AO3 LINK
“Kaeya Alberich, age 35. Current symptoms, memory loss and confusion.” same old thing again and again, writing down the patient’s data and insert it into sheets for the centres “transparency”, interacting with them and leave them to the hands of the doctors until they finally meet death years later. you read the data that was preserved on your desk and you gave off a long sigh, just like another day, a patient’s data worth of nothing on your hands are waiting to be checked by you.
The writing was messy, like an old calligraphy, the patient placed the picture quite asymmetrically, he also seemed to have slipped down several documents which you also have to read. Some of it written as “confidential, only medical teams and legal experts can access”. Finally, something to stick your nose into that makes this job at the very least, interesting.
“hey you look like you wanna bleach your own eyeballs, what’s up, new patient?”
you got caught up by one of your closest colleagues, jumped through the words, your voice all hoarse from the lack of water you consumed. “Yea, he gave me these documents that probably cost me half an hour to read…”, the americano you bought almost gone, making you to give a longer sigh.
“don’t bother buying another coffee, your shift is almost done.” , your colleague implies after your words.
“Hmm…okay.”, muttering the words. Your eyes widened by the data he had registered over himself.
“It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a patient who registered themself over their own name instead of a legal guardian, right?” , you asked your colleague, who seemingly has no life inside his eyes.
“hm? yeah, in fact, i’ve only gotten two people who registered themself here, two of them are old folks without a family…their death made me mentally drained, i miss them both.”
“fuck”, you curse with a voice that now seems to have a slight regret on it. “What?”, he replied. “He’s not even old enough to register himself in this centre”, “how old is he?”, your colleague asked out of curiosity, since this sort of cases can make your mind all rounded, he’s young, so why bother admit himself in this death row…”thirty five, 7 more months to thirty six”. “our age, is it not?”, he replied while moving his chair to your desk, now interested. “based on how he write his data, the symptoms are already chronic.”, you mutter, observing every of the information while your colleague looking through his diagnosis.
“goodluck taking care of him”, your colleague pat your back.
and just like that, you know you’re going to face the most emotional phase you’ve ever had in this hell-hole workplace.
By Saturday, you met the man. His eyes are sharp, rigid and bold, hue blue that never to be seen before, and believe it or not, he looks like he came out of a fictional series. His eye-bags are visible and his hair all tangled up from the braid he made by himself, allegedly. “Goodmorning, am i talking to Mr. Kaeya Alberich?” , he fidget his fingers over his cardigan, playing with the cloth that he worn just to avoid any of his hallucination and confusion. I know that means he’s uncomfortable with the surrounding or maybe his own existence…”yes..”, his voice sounds like a chirping crows, hoarse and deep, yet soothing to hear.
“Sorry, i have to ask, why am i here..?”, oh my, it already seems like he’s already losing his sense.
you take his confidential papers and explain it to him, all patient and prepared to have him lose his mind, you explain it with a voice that made his ears able to accept it just by a slight mutter, “mr. Alberich, the papers say that you choose this centre so you can go through your daily life without worrying of improper death. Hence you’re here to retrieve the deal, to have yourself admitted in here.”, he looks at you with confusion, but suddenly he changed his thought and his once-reaction flew from that face of his. “Oh? Hahaha! Is that why i’m here? Because of myself?? Oh funny! I haven’t write that one on my notes! Maybe i have to after this!!”, his laugh sounds sarcastic, it makes you uncomfortable…but alzheimer patients are always like this, they can’t control what they currently suffer from and you’re the one to take care of em.
“anything else would you like me to explain?”
“quick question, what’s your name?”
“[name]”…you seem to have doubt his question, whatever he needs from you to ask your name? This is weird.
“nice to meet you, would you mind taking care of me while being my friend?”
“you don’t have one sir?”, shit, i dropped the bomb.
“i have one, but we…i-…i forgot haha..”
it’s expected, his scan was something out of the ordinary, it’s no use trying to avoid the worst case scenario, it’s already in front of him.
“mr. Alberich, i would love to dis—“
“s-sorry can i have some water first..? I forgot to bring my water bottle from my apartment..”
you nod and brought him a cup of water, you start to inhale the air around you. “So..can we start our discussion? If so, may i ask you to fill out of these forms for me, if you’re unable to, we can ask your legal guardian or…”
“i’m sorry uh…i-i don’t remember my legal supervisor or guardian…” he stops at his track, probably going all confused from the lack of context his brain has dismay for him. “may i ask wether you can help me fill this out based on the…i-i don’t remember the registration i made sorry… but can you fill out based on those..?”
“It’s fine i understand…let me accompany you to the doctor’s office, how does that sound? I’ll inform the doctor about your details after the check ups…since this is a u—“
“doctor’s office..? I thought this is a library..? I must’ve gotten lost…i should borrow the book to write an essay for the professor oh shit..?! N-nurse?!! Wh-why did—“
suddenly your colleague barge in to the conversation to help you with this patient you’re handling, a rare cause that can’t be helped by a normal being.
“Sir, please calm down. This is Alzheimer medical centre, the papers say that today you’re being admitted to this ward for the sake of your own self, so please don’t act rash. We’re here to help you.”
he calmed down before tears run out from his eyes. Typical symptoms of Alzheimer patients are their intense change of emotions, it’s hard to deal with since you don’t know either if they’re going to stay sad, happy, or angry, or just…neither? You don’t know, even your colleague can’t read them.
you pat his back, “sir, how about you talk to the doctor first and we can discuss about the next matters soon? Will that be easier for you?”, your voice sounds genuine, this is the first time though. This man ticks your heart to feel such an empathetic move, it doesn’t make sense, since you never feel the need to feel them too.
“…sure…i’m getting insane….please help me nurse….f-fuck i don’t even remember your name…”, he chuckles after that insane remark he just made. “o-okay, l-let’s just go…make sure that i won’t die before my birthday…please..?” Is that his last wish? If it is…then sure, i’ll make sure tomorrow and today exist for him. I can always do that but…why now? Why him? Shit whatever happened to the promise i made to myself?
“okay. I will.” i smiled, shit, i’m not even that good on keeping promise to myself. I just broke it now…and i’m currently lying too. What if he expect so much?
he’ll just forget it, i’m sure of that.
but then the guilt? No…no, i don’t even want to think about it anymore.
everyday, you would visit him, in that small room, the aroma-therapy you had set for him was quite of…soothing and pleasant, you’ve always put some aromatherapy on the side of chronically ill patients just for them to remember that they’re currently living on reality, for them to remember that…they’re currently still going on with their life and that’s fine, it’s hard enough to survive, to wake up. Kaeya seems to have knew this well, after all, he would always greet you with a smile, a ghostly smile. He would always talk to you, trying his best to train his vocal, sometimes there’s hole inside his conversation, but that’s okay, he tried to stick in the present and not in the future. That’s enough for you to know that kaeya still has the energy to keep on living.
he’s surviving…all he had is this room, his clothes, and himself. No, not even himself. He doesn’t even know the existence of himself. Maybe i’m the replacement of that blank space across his memory? Yeah that’s what a nurse supposed to be, right?
he had always stare at the window when you passed through the hall of the ward, almost like he had lost his senses over that spot. Sometimes you would hear him mutter…”don’t…jump.” to the window, his tears coming through his eyes, and his hands are shaking. It was terrifying, at first. He would get near the window while his eyes are all watery and he doesn’t seem to realise his own movement.
“hey…stay alive…”
“hey…hey….i’m here…”
“why did you jump…?” , this exact sentence hasn’t been told before. Thus, made you jump into conclusions…
after what happens to be an hour after that mutters he made inside the room, you went to check on him. He’s on the couch, reading his own essay. The handwriting almost unreadable, the essay was long, confusing, and…the papers are all scraped.
“Hey…mom?”, shit, it’s only been a month since he was admitted here. The scan told me that his progress is fast and horrid…yet this one is too much.
you continue the act, that’s what you’ve been told and what you’ve learned. “yes kaeya..?” .
“mom, an insane person leave this paper inside this house…can we stop…renting this place..? It’s dangerous right? Can we leave mom..? I’m scared…i’m so scared mom.” he nudge on your clothes and start to hug your arm.
“n-no sweetie…there’s no such as an “insane person”. Now…how about we eat our food first to keep you healthy from being hunted by the ghost..?” This would be a good way to communicate with kaeya…you thought. Sihce he’s slowly losing touch, it’s better for him to dream, after all…he wants to survive this until his birthday, right…?
you served him the food…it’s not the best one, yet it already made kaeya hungry. Though, suddenly he loses his reconnection to his hallucinations once more..
when he look at you again, his face turns into a confusion…he smiles politely, “s-sorry uh…i remember meeting my mother…uhm…might i ask if you know where is she and…who are you?”
“I’m [name]…and you must be kaeya right? Your mother asked me to have you here.” You lied, so whatever you would say can never shocked him nonetheless.
“o-oh i see…but mother has died…just a few days ago…she jumps from that balcony…” he points out to the window, there’s no balcony, he’s hallucinating that he is on his house now. “well..at least i know mom left me with a new friend…right, [name]..?”, you gulp, yet you just smile and nod. You know this is the only way he can connect to the world…
“kaeya?”
“….who’s kaeya?”, he asked you. His eyes wander. Then it meet yours. He holds your hands, securely. “I wanna know kaeya…i’m…yaya…mother told me i’m yaya so i’m yaya..”
“somebody i know, you’re interested?”, you teased him, your voice brightful, chuckling at the way he seems so interested at the man she would call his past, sugarcoating the man you see before you. It has been 2 in a half month since he was admitted here, tomorrow is already the third month.
“is he…smart?”, that’s the first thing he asked. He’s presenting your image as a maid that has the same as his. His hallucination seems to touch the corner of his past..
“no he’s dumb…he doesn’t remember my name.”
you told him and he immediately scoffs..”hmph! Then why do you talk about him, i don’t like dumb folks.” He must be a brat back when he was a kid huh?
“Nothing, just feels like it.”
“then you’re quite of dumb for thinking and talking about him..he probably doesn’t remember you. So abandon him!” his hallucinations are actually right, he doesn’t remember you and you’ve been trying your best to make sure that even when everything goes bad…he still has the chance to live.
because…you can see yourself in this position. Helpless, nobody, and lonely. The emotional relation that connects you both are intense and unintentional. Yet you kept on trying to make sure, the part of you that he has in him…is enough to keep him living. Since, all you wanted is to see another version of the person you want to be..alive. You read the confidential paper on your desk once more, the one where he slip over his registration papers after you leave him all alone inside his room.
“This hasn’t been legally acclaimed and i just like to have this piece of information slip through the files you guys have of me by now. i have read several of information about this disease, i know that i can die just by being there or here, but there are somethings i like to share about my life. Something that would probably remind you when you see me through this illness, hallucination or memory loss, or both, maybe you can correlate those with my story. My mother committed when i turned 15, that was her present for me…she loathe me, she think of me as a burden for not being the one who’s sick enough to die just like my adoptive brother, diluc. So when she die…i thought i also have to die. After all, i have nobody, my father was away and i’m just his adoptive son, whatever have i done to this family? So…in my early adulthood, i develop a chronic memory loss due to trauma, as per my psychiatrist mentioned. It was…alright, at first. But then..at the age of 30, it becomes some-what more like a delusional. I know it wasn’t right so i decided to check myself at this age, 35, when i barely even remember what is my name without my phone reminding me who i am again and again. I wanna die…i can’t help but to live off the guilt i didn’t even made. So please…my only last wish is to die at the age of 36…just like the age of my late mother. Alzheimer is my karma and i wish, for all of you, to repent my sins…just like what i intend to do.”
“I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on all of you, but i assure…this is what i intend to do for the sake of the guilt that drive me insane everyday.”
I realise that He’s a suicidal bastard who’s unlucky, i’m trying…i’m trying so hard so he can live and survive another day. ‘Cus i…i can let somebody as young as kaeya to die and rot in a bed that every patient left with silence in their heart. Cus i can’t let somebody who always smile at me for giving them survival chance to die. His instinct says that he wants to live, so why bother reminding him of this. I’ll just follow his hallucination…until he finally know that he lives and he has to. So please…don’t remember your last wish, just remember that…the day you die, is the day you wish to rest forever.
So kaeya, remember that i’m here, for you to live, until you’re exhausted.
At the fourth month, he lost half of his memory of his adulthood.
At the fifth month, he lost his mobility. Limiting his speech and whatever he usually do daily…is nothing.
i kept trying, i kept on trying…so he wouldn’t remember his last wish. I want to change his course. Cause tomorrow and today still can be change, it still exist the way it is.
10 days before his birthday, you nag on him. Telling him a delusional story you made out of his hallucination for the past months. You’ll pretend to be his mother, his brother, and everything…convincing kaeya to survive. His muscle memory reacted, positively, just like what you expected. After all, you’re trying your best…to make sure that this man last longer than his initial death, cause he deserve one last chance that Alzheimer cannot give to him.
“kaeya…mother is proud of you for reaching this far.”, you mutter to his ears…it perks up. His head wants to move to the direction of your eyes.
“kaeya…you’re doing great…don’t give up now, it’s almost your birthday, maybe let’s have a party with diluc too? He enjoys being with you too, you know?” , his muscle picks up that words and smile slowly.
“kaeya…what do you wish for..? I’m sorry that i can’t be the best mother…that’s what you asked for right..? A present mother..?”,
“Then…survive this week…next week…and more months to come. You deserve a chance to live and see more of the world..” you recreate the words he helplessly crave, so kaeya….with all of his might, able to live, able to regain his purpose in life, to have his guilt all weakened, to the point that he decided to…live for another day. It seems evil, indeed, it is evil, but that’s what he needs…kaeya deserves to live unlike those old fucks that has no manners, kaeya is only a child in adult’s body…
he wants to live, but he can’t…right?
“kaeya…happy birthday….” , you mutter the words perfectly. You pronounce the words as if you’ve already excelled your ways to imitate kaeya’s mother for him. If it’s sympathy, why are you being so kind..? If it’s empathy, why does it matter if he’s alive or not? Because at the end of the day, you find yourself in that piece of him, a kid in a grown up body, and you wish to have somebody like you…live another day, just like you.
he cried. somehow…his tears shows his pain…his past…and everything. Despite the delusion you’re feeding him with, he still holds onto the hope of another day where he can hear his mother’s forgiveness.
his tears was falling rapidly while his eyes are all shining…finally, you sighed. There’s a hint of survival in his eyes once more and it made you…proud, even when you’re not a thing to them.
he survived 36…and i hope i survived 67 too. It’s nice to know that you’re my last patient, kaeya…let’s chat again, i know you would love to hear my story…even when you don’t remember my name any longer.
you put the flower on his memorial space.
from “nurse [name], have a happy reunion with your family.”
taglist: @dailypenpen , @daydreaming-paradies
#genshin impact fics#genshin fic#genshin fics#kaeya x reader#kaeya x reader angst#kaeya angst#kaeya alberich x reader#kaeya alberich angst#kaeya fics#kaeya alberich fics
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Do you think Riyo would have made a better partner than Padme for Anakin
No, not at all. Dear lord, I would never subject poor Riyo to being Anakin’s partner haha.
For one, regardless of Riyo’s personality traits, she’s still a sitting senator and so all of the same problems regarding the relationship between a senator and a Jedi Knight would still exist. We don’t have enough information about Pantora’s rules regarding its senators’ relationships (Riyo’s never seen in a relationship but that doesn’t mean it’s forbidden necessarily), but it doesn’t change that relationships between Jedi and senators is probably discouraged and frowned upon even if it isn’t outright forbidden. It’s just a bad idea still, no matter what.
But if what you’re looking at is more of a personality thing, whether Riyo would maybe stand up to Anakin more or not enable his more evil actions more, I still don’t know if Riyo would necessarily be any better than Padme. Certainly I don’t think Riyo would change anything fundamental about Anakin, his selfishness and his greed and his struggle with attachments. Quite honestly, even if we assume Riyo would have higher standards than Padme and less tolerance for Anakin’s bullshit, she’d probably just dump his ass and that doesn’t fix or save Anakin.
And that’s sort-of the point. Everyone around Anakin does everything, effectively, right. And it doesn’t fucking matter. Padme is his obedient little wife who strokes his ego and never leaves him and does the secret romance just the way he wants, and it doesn’t stop him from turning on her and destroying everything she cares about. Obi-Wan supports him and is there for him and teaches him kindness and compassion and it doesn’t stop Anakin from turning on him and destroying the Jedi. Ahsoka loves him and believes in him, Rex trusts in him, and it doesn’t stop Anakin from throwing both of them to the wolves when it comes down to it.
So no, throwing in Riyo instead of Padme would change nothing because, while Padme holds a certain responsibility for what happens as someone who lied for Anakin, the relationship is not ultimately what causes Anakin to fall. If it hadn’t been Padme, Palpatine would’ve used literally anyone else. I’m relatively convinced that Palpatine was probably aiming for it to be Obi-Wan initially, before Padme re-enters the picture. He could’ve just as easily used Ahsoka if he’d wanted. And if Anakin had been in a relationship with Riyo, he’d have used Riyo. The reason Anakin falls is because he is selfish and greedy and this would be true no matter who his partner is, no matter who his Master was, no matter who his Padawan was, etc etc. Changing his partner is like addressing a symptom rather than a root cause of a disease.
And honestly I just don’t see any real connection between the two of them. I don’t think Anakin has any reason to fall for Riyo, she comes off as very young and very sweet and I don’t really think that appeals as much to Anakin as Padme’s stronger personality. And I don’t see Riyo being attracted to Anakin’s very blase attitude towards life and her work or as enamored by Anakin’s really saccharine romantic gestures like offering her his lightsaber. Riyo seems completely happy to be a senator, she’s fully invested in her work, while Padme sort-of dreams of something else and THAT’S what pulls her towards Anakin. Padme is making a sacrifice in order to do what she believes is her duty, but Riyo never seems to be doing the same. She’s not sacrificing anything, so Anakin has nothing to offer her.
If Anakin/Riyo is your ship, I’m sorry lol, to each their own, but I think it’s a fundamental misunderstanding of Anakin as a character and the themes of Star Wars as a story to assume that Anakin would be saved by being in a relationship with someone who wasn’t Padme.
#submission#padme amidala#star wars#riyo chuchi#anakin skywalker#anakin critical#anakin skywalker critical#anidala critical
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Aizawa Shouta x Bipolar! Reader
This post hits a little home for me because I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder (specifically type 1 with psychosis) and it’s impacted my life significantly. I hardly ever see any fanfics regarding bipolar disorder so I wanted to contribute and give people with this condition recognition.
Warnings: Mentions of major mental illness; mania, depression, suicidality, psychotic symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, paranoia)
At the beginning of your relationship, he doesn’t know a lot about what it means to be bipolar. Once you open up to him about your disorder, he’ll do some research on his phone to understand it better. But he mostly likes to hear about what it’s like from you because not one person is the same
When you’re experiencing a depressive episode, he does his best to comfort you. He’ll let you vent about why you’re so down. He encourages you to push through it, but he won’t force you. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect, but he can’t just watch you lay in bed all day.
On those particularly hard days when you can’t manage to move a muscle, he’ll cuddle you for comfort. He’ll try to get you to come out of your room with him, even if it’s just to eat or watch tv with him.
If you get to the point that you’re feeling suicidal, he’ll pay extra attention to you and keep means of harm out of the house. He will not hesitate to bring you to the hospital if it gets serious. It sucks, but he the last thing he wants is for you to hurt yourself. He needs to know that you’re safe
Aizawa finds it a bit harder to know what to do when you’re manic
He’s a lot more patient with you than someone would assume. Sure, he gets a little irritated when he can’t manage to get through to you, but he knows this isn’t something you really have control over and doesn’t get upset with you about it
When you’re not getting any sleep, he’ll pretty much force you to lay in bed with him. Even if you’re still watching tv or using your phone. He just wants you to rest in some form.
He feels kind of lost when you’re all over the place, whether that’s cleaning vigorously or doing all kinds of different projects that you probably won’t finish. He tries to look at things a little more rationally. Sure, you’re all over the place. But you’re being productive and making all kinds of cool stuff.
He’ll try to bring you back down to earth. When you’re talking a mile a minute, he’s kind of mean about it. “I can’t understand you, you need to slow down.”
Will talk you out of making impulsive decisions and spending too much money. Tells you that it’s not logical at all and it’s only going to negatively affect you no matter how energized or happy you may be feeling
He WILL give it to you straight if you get agitated at him. He knows that whatever you’re saying you probably don’t actually mean, but he’s not going to let you walk all over him.
Like I said, he’s patient, he’s just not going to baby you
Below is for psychosis symptoms. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone who’s bipolar, but it does for me and I really need the comfort lmao
If you start experiencing more severe symptoms, he’s a lot more gentle because he knows you’re not healthy and that you really can’t control anything that’s happening
If you’re having hallucinations, he won’t lecture you and do the whole, “that’s not there,” shit. More on the lines of, “what is it that you’re seeing? What does it look like?”
Delusions are a little more frustrating for him because he knows there’s nothing he can say that’s going to change your mind. He’ll just hear you out and try to see the patterns in your delusions and see if he can see rationally why you believe those things.
Again, he’s not going to tell you that you’re wrong or everything you think isn’t true, because that doesn’t help. He’ll talk to you about it. He makes sure to meet you at your level.
If you start having persecutory delusions regarding him, that’s when he gets the most frustrated. It hurts him that you’d think he’d ever try to harm you
Honestly, it’ll probably end with him taking you to the hospital because there’s nothing he can really do on his end other than support you. He’ll call you while you’re in the hospital to check on you and ask you how your treatment is going. If possible, he’ll have regular contact with your providers so they have someone who can advocate
He encourages you to take your medication and will regularly ask if you’ve taken them that day. He can be annoying about it
He loves you and your disorder doesn’t change that for him. It can be confusing for him, but he’s made a commitment to be there for you in those times.
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Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Shin Maniac [08]
ー The scene starts in the guest room at Eden
*Flip*
*Scribble scribble*
Shin: ( I still haven’t gotten a reply from Nii-san but...It should be fine, right? )
( For now, I’ll just tell him that I’ll be returning to the castle alone. )
( Speaking of which, the study she received from the Sakamaki family... )
( Should I give it to Nii-san? )
*Rustle rustle*
*Flip*
Shin: I don’t know how useful it’ll be, of course...
*Flip*
Shin: ...Hm?
( ‘Endzeit is spread...through contaminated blood.’ )
( This isーー )
*Flip flip*
‘A Founder will get infected with Endzeit without fail if even the smallest amount of contaminated blood gets inside their boodーー’
( Inside the bodyーー ... Speaking of which, I had a cut on my fingertip back then. )
( If what is written in here is true, thenーー )
*Flip*
‘Furthermore, while the outbreak may vary from individual to individual, the first symptoms will start appearing within one month after contamination.’
Bruises...on the body...
ー Shin gets up and rushes to the bathroom
*Thud*
Shin: ...!!
( ... There’s no bruises anywhere. )
( One month has definitely passed since then... )
What does this mean...?
( I’m certain...that blood must have gotten inside the wound back then. )
Could it be that I’m a special case...or something?
( No, there’s no way. Everyone met an equal fate at the hands of Endzeit. )
( I just can’t imagine that I’d be some exception to that ruleーー )
( Even that woman... )
ー He remembers his mother
Krone: Coff...Coff...Shin...You must not...get any closer to me...
Shin: ...
ー The flashback ends
Shin: ( Even uncle Ferzen, who was always praised to be one of the most formidable Founders to have ever been alive... )
ー Another flashback ensues
Ferzen: Kahah...Guh...Haah...Haah...
Shin: ...
ー The flashback ends
Shin: ( How strong someone is doesn’t matter. Nor does one’s talents or capabilities. )
( It’s a disease which all Founders have an equal chance at contracting. )
( So how come...I’m the only one who won’t get sick? )
*Flip flip flip*
Shin: ( ‘Non-Founders cannot be infected with Endzeit.’ )
Could it beーー
ー Yui enters the bathroom
Yui: ...Shin-kun?
*Thud*
Shin: ...Aah, it’s you, huh?
Yui: Ah...My bad. Were you about to take a bath, perhaps?
Shin: ...O-Oh, nah. I was just going to change into some fresh clothes because I worked up a sweat.
And what are you here for?
Yui: Well...I was just wondering when you’d leave...
Shin: ...I haven’t decided yet. It’ll probably be sometime soon though.
Yui: Ah, I see.
...
Shin: ...What’s wrong? Anything else you need?
Yui: ( I’d actually want to talk about so much more but...I’m completely choked up. )
Shin: Why do you look so glum?
ー He steps closer and embraces her
*Rustle*
On certain CGs, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.
“Your body...is really warm. Only when we’re like this, I feel a little more at ease.”
“All you need to do is smile by my side. That alone is enough to make me feel saved.”
Shin: ...You’re going to bring my mood down as well, so cut it out, will you?
Yui: ( His body...He’s shaking... )
Selection
→ Hug him back (❦)
Yui: ( I doubt Shin-kun would want to admit that he’s shaking. )
( In which caseーー )
*Rustle*
Yui: ( I hope I can convey my feelings to him by doing this... )
Shin: ...Ah...
What’s wrong?
Yui: ...I just felt like it.
Shin: I see...
...You’re way too lousy of a liar.
Yui: Eh...?
Shin: Nah, nothing.
*Rustle*
Shin: But if you’re going to do that, at least hug me nice and tight?
Yui: ...! G-Geez!
→ Tell him everything will be alright
Yui: Shin-kun. Don’t worry!
Shin: ...Heh?
Yui: ( H-Huh...? Did I word that incorrectly, perhaps? )
Shin: ‘Don’t worry’, you say...? What makes you say that?
Yui: Well...
Shin: Please don’t say things without thinking.
Yui: ( I upset him... )
*Rustle rustle*
Shin: ...Maybe I should take a bath after all. I’m kinda exhausted.
So hurry up and leave.
Yui: Eh...?
Shin: What? Do you want to join me, perhaps?
I mean, I don’t mind if you insistーー
Yui: N-No thank you!
ー Yui leaves the bathroom
*Thud*
Shin: ...
( The more time I spent by her side, the harder it’ll become to leave. )
( For her sakeーー And for my own sake as well...I should leave this place today. )
No matter what happens to me...I want you to live a happy life at least, okayーー
Monologue
After leaving Shin-kun’s room,
I began to think about what I could do,
for him knowing that he will leave,
sooner rather than later.
ーー Soon enough,
Shin-kun will be gone (行ってしまう).
Wanting to distract myself from that reality (現実) in any way possible,
I began to rummage through my belongings,
while contantly pondering,
if there was anything I could give to him.
ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー
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Kipo: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.
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Jamack: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
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Yumyan: If you get bitten by a shark, bite it back. You'll still probably die but the shark will be like "lol what"
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Dave: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.
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Kipo: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.
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Leo: I don’t even use tubberware anymore.
Song: What are you saying? Say it again.
Leo: Tubberware.
Song: Say it again. Slow.
Leo: Tubberware.
Song: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable.
Leo: Tub.
Song: Wrong.
Leo: What do you mean, wrong?
Song: I thought I caught that. You’re saying tub. It’s P.
Leo: What are you talking about?
Song: Tupperware. Tupper.
Leo: It’s tupper!
Song: It’s tupper, always has been, always will be.
Leo: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.
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Leo: honk.
Song: WHAT.
Leo: HONK.
Song: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
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Song: I'm like Heinz Doofenshmirtz because I, too, like being petty, signing off-key, and over-sharing my deepest traumas for no discernible reason.
Leo: Not to mention that you think of yourself as eveil but are, at best, a minor inconvenience.
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Dave, seeing a bee on Benson’s arm: Uh oh...
Dave, rolling up a newspaper: Benson, stay still...
Dave, Using the newspaper as a megaphone: THERES A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
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Dave: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?
Kipo: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!
Dave: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!
Kipo: You take that back!!!
Dave: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.
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Scarlemagne: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.
Leo: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!
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Kipo: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.
Kipo: Ask me to kill for you. *turns mega*
Scarlemagne: ...First of all, calm down-
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Scarlemagne: Don't go to the kitchen.
Leo: Why?
Scarlemagne: I saw a spider.
Leo: Well, did you kill it?
Scarlemagne: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...
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Dave: Help! I’m drowning!
Benson: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!
Dave: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!
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Scarlemagne: Looked up my symptoms on WebMD and it turns out I have an ancient ancestral curse that has been passed down my bloodline for generations.
Kipo: ...?
Scarlemagne: Okay, fine. It was a hereditary mental illness. I just wanted to sound cool so I made something up. Are you mad at me?
—————————
Kipo: I am going to need you to swear-
wolf: Fuck.
Kipo:
kipo: ...swear as in promise.
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Scarlemagne: Am I going to far?
Leo: No, no, no. You went too far about 7 hours ago. Now you’re going to prison.
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Wolf: Tony Hawks moving castle.
Wolf: I can't remember the name of it, fuck.
Kipo: Howl?
Wolf: aaaauuuuuuuooooo???
Kipo: ...
Wolf: Oh.
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Kipo: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?
Wolf: What did you just say-
Kipo: Foetons! *Laughs*
Wolf: Wh-what?
—————————
Benson: What are y’all’s favorite things to wake up to?
Kipo: Breakfast in bed!
Dave: Emails from AO3!
Wolf: My favorite thing to wake up to is not waking up at all.
Wolf: The screams of my enemies are a close second though.
#kipo inccorect quotes#dave kipo#benson kipo#kipo oak#wolf kipo#kipo and the age of wonderbeasts#Leo kipo#song kipo#yumyan hammerpaw#Jamack kipo#scarlemagne kipo#Leo oak#song oak
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Author brands 'n shit, I guess
So I somehow managed to lose a post I really wanted to reblog to an unexpected re-log. The post was about a Vox article talking about how the concept of a personal brand and a platform is poisoning artistic industries, particularly writing and music. So we're just doing a new post instead.
The article makes some really good points, especially about how now more than ever, authors (and musicians, but I write books so that's what we're mostly looking at) can't just do the thing that's in their job description. We have to do the marketing as well. And that is such a wild concept to me, who grew up convinced that I would one day land a publishing deal and be a famous author. I had this idea of how the traditional publishing industry worked, and for a long time, that idea was fairly accurate. Now?
If we now also have to do most of the marketing for our book to even stand a chance.
If advances are shrinking to the point where even successful authors are forced back into day jobs.
If print-on-demand means that nobody has to shell out thousands for a print run anymore without knowing that they'll even sell a fraction of the books.
What do we even need the traditional publishing industry for anymore?
Midlist books and authors are disappearing. The focus is on bestsellers, on "the next big thing", to the exclusion of almost everything else. That's not a sustainable plan. Sure, in theory, producing nothing but bestsellers would make you thrive. But you can't. You simply cannot guarantee that 100% of your books are going to be bestsellers. The vast majority are not. Even big pre-existing audiences don't guarantee that. Just look at these incredibly funny numbers provided by the New York Times, about celebrity books that "flopped". And I'm using that word loosely - tens of thousands of copies sold are GREAT, actually. But when you calculated your sales potential based on an audience of millions? It's nothing.
This really pokes a lot of holes into the idea that big platform = big sales, but here we are, being asked to flap our arms about and make silly voices in funny little TikToks to promote our work. When that should be the publisher's job. So, again - what are they even still good for, if you aren't coming to them already famous?
Though the article also comes with some questionable takes, albeit when it cites other writers. Specifically when it cites Defector writer Israel Daramola about music criticism, and how more and more professional outlets are closing or get incorporated into other publications. How this means that the ecosystem of criticism is shifting to "a loose collection of Youtubers and influencers", and how "This has all helped produce a mass of music fans who don’t understand the value of criticism and outright detest being told the things they like might suck." Which is just so baffling to me. Of course they don't like that! Do you?! If you think the point of criticism is to forcibly explain to people why the thing they enjoy is bad, actually, you really suck at criticism. Criticism is meant to give you an idea before you engage with something, of what the quality might be and whether or not you'll like it. It's not meant to make you go "oh, well, if this artist I love is bad, I should probably not listen to them". Stop doing that! Let people enjoy things, it doesn't matter if you, personally, think the thing in question is "objectively not good". People are allowed to enjoy "bad" things, for fuck's sake. This is the exact kind of elitism that drives people away from professional, thoughtful and educated critique.
I find this particular citation odd, because Daramola does make a point much more related to the subject of the article - that the reduction of music criticism to subsections and listicles is a symptom of a similar problem as "author brands" in the music sphere. If you don't already have a big platform, a successful brand, you won't find support. Budding artists struggle the same as budding authors, where the industry whose entire business model is built upon taking risks on new talent and building that talent up is now refusing to do that, and shifting all of that work onto the artists. This has very little to do with the audience, and everything to do with the business people calling the shots behind the scenes.
There is a whole lot wrong with my industry these days. Art gets more and more commodified. The content doesn't matter anymore as long as you, the author, can sell a lot of it. Once you have proven yourself, the publishing gods might decide that you're a guaranteed success, and deign to give you the kind of support they should have given you from the beginning. Only now, there is no risk for them anymore. That risk was all taken by you, the person with the most to lose.
One last time - if that's how traditional publishing works now, what is it even still good for?
And I haven't even gotten into how this entire system is also rigged heavily in favour of the (white, attractive) Anglosphere, while the platforms themselves have global reach. So the Anglosphere is actively sucking the air out of the room with its ever-growing cultural hegemony even on the level of individual artists. The article touches on this, too, though it brushes past that pretty quickly, and one of the linked articles in the section basically just says "if you're from a different culture, consider simply ignoring that and doing it the American way". Fabulous.
I don't have any quick, easy fixes for this problem. I don't think anybody has. But if you're a reader, if you're a music lover, maybe next time you're looking for something new, consider looking past the big hits. Ignore the huge platforms, and maybe go and find some indie artists to try. There's a lot of gold to be mined here, even if it's getting harder and harder to find. It takes a little more effort, but it would mean the world to the indie artists on the other side.
#writing#books#publishing#self-publishing#publishing industry#music industry#author marketing#author branding#American hegemony#long post
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Hello, I am trying to send this ask with as much respect as possible, I have tried doing research on my own but I find it very difficult but I do know a fair bit
Tw: medical experiences, unwanted hormones
My doctors say that I have “higher testosterone than expected from a woman” and by that they mean a dyadic cis woman, I am a pre-transition trans man, and I have incredibly painful periods that they “can’t do anything about” except put me on estrogen or painkillers, and I have slightly under developed breasts I think because they don’t look like most cis women’s, and I am constantly slightly anemic and I can’t seem to become un-anemic no matter how much I try, but they say that it’s not significant enough to impact my transition and I don’t think it shows up a lot physically, I don’t have a lot of facial hair or an especially deep voice but it does break a lot, but I do have a very high hairline and I think my hair might be getting thinner but Im unsure?
I feel out of control of my body and like doctors will not help me but maybe what I perceive as problems will go away when I transition and there will be no breasts or periods? I don’t even know if I want to call myself intersex because I don’t want to step on intersex people’s toes but on the other hand maybe it would be a good thing because strength in numbers? How do I figure out what is happening with my body and how to care for it when doctors will just not want to talk about it or say they can’t help me?
Hi anon, sorry that it took a while to answer.
I'm so sorry to hear that doctors have been so unhelpful. You deserve to have doctors that help you figure this out and to go on the hormones that you want to go on. If doctors have told you that you have higher testosterone (hyperandrogenism), that probably means that you are intersex. Doctors rarely ever actually use the word "intersex" when they are diagnosing people, so it kind of takes a lot of doing our own figuring out. When people are diagnosed with hyperandrogenism, usually the cause is PCOS or NCAH if things like Cushing syndrome have been ruled out. There are specific tests for NCAH if that is something you would be interested in exploring.
I don't think you would be stepping on intersex people's toes if you identified as intersex, intersex questioning, or went into intersex community spaces. As long as you are honest with where you are in your journey and don't speak over other people, I've found the intersex community to be really welcoming. The things you've shared are things that a lot of intersex people can relate to, and you deserve support and understanding. I think you would be welcome in intersex community. Intersex community has room for all of us, and we all have different experiences, variations, diagnoses--we have space to support each other without talking over each others experiences. You belong here if you want to belong here, but you also have the room to use whatever language feels most comfortable. There is no rush, and you don't have to move at a pace that feels too fast when it comes to understanding yourself, your body, and the language that you use.
I also had some similar symptoms and going on testosterone did really help me (still didn't get rid of my weird anemia and I'm still trying to figure that out, I know a lot of intersex people with weird anemia issues that none of us have figured out why.) I say that not to minimize what you're currently going through but to let you know that there is hope that things will get easier with your body. I know for a lot of intersex people, being on some type of consistent hormone helps us a lot, whether we are on estrogen HRT, testosterone HRT, or progestin like through an IUD or otherwise. Intersex people are still intersex no matter what hormones we take, but hormones can be an important option for managing our health. You might need to work with your doctor to figure out the best dosages and it might take a bit of trial and error to manage your hormonal health, but it can get better.
Doctors suck so bad, but know that you are not alone and you deserve to be listened to. You can check out this post for tips on advocating for yourself at the doctors. This is also a brochure you can print out and give to your doctor if that's something you are comfortable with. If you want to talk to other intersex people about your experiences, feel free to send an ask off anon and I can give you a link to an intersex discord server. There's also ISpace, an intersex facebook group, if that's something that you would like.
Truly the best of luck, anon <3
-Mod E
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So since my last post about master chiefs characterization did pretty well I felt it wouldn’t hurt to make a follow up just to further emphasize and appreciate the character. The point that maybe I didn’t express well enough last time is that chief is definitely a character where “less is more” with all of his backstory being established, it makes too much for sense for his character to be quiet and emotionally stunted, he was raised in an environment where he wasn’t given much freedom to speak and where any emotional turmoil he was experiencing would not be catered or supported(at least not substantially) Also despite being heavily sheltered and only being told what the UNSC wants him to know, he is by no means ignorant, he still knows about life outside of being a soldier, and he’s aware of himself well enough to know just how much being a soldier has dominated his life, enough to joke about it and acknowledge it. “thought I’d try shooting my way out, mix it up a little”, “asking is not my strong suit” When the pilot asks him why he continues to do what he does despite not having much to care about, he replies “it’s all I know” the man is aware of how limited his skillset is, but also how gifted it is too. When Cortana or the weapon tells him the deathly odds of facing whatever baddie he’s going up against he always shows unshakable conviction that he’s going to come out on top, in a completely unbragging way like it’s just a matter of fact, another symptom of his carefully constructed upbringing. Things like pessimism and doubt would be hinderances to his battlefield performance so he was trained to not give into those concepts, also his confidence is undoubtedly a side affect of his incredible history, defying odds and succeeding in places where no other soldier could (also being told by the librarian that he was basically engineered over the course of thousands of years to be perfect probably helped too lol) so the man really believes in himself, not to mention, his allies. He believes in himself just as much as the people around him, he believes in Cortana undoubtedly, half of the things he’s lived through would’ve ended differently if not for her, and also by the end of halo 3, he trusts arbiter to the point that they’re in sync with each other as they’re escaping the ark. Also I know I briefly touched on this already but he has a good sense of humor, and one that seems to be most present whenever he’s around Cortana which I love. literally the first thing he ever says to her in halo ce is a joke at her expense, and so many of their interactions are brimming with friendly banter (which again I think 343 did well with in halo 4) which just goes to highlight that chief clearly trusted Cortana the most and felt the most comfortable around her. And that gets us to his grief, something that’s present throughout all the halo games is chief’s deeps sense of regret and loss, even towards marines and Spartans he probably hardly knew, in his body language he is so visibly distraught, you can see this when he inspects private Jenkins helmet in halo ce, to when he sees dead Spartans in halo infinite. Also the fact that when sgt johnson died Cortana felt the need to console him because she knew him well enough to know that Johnson meant a lot to him :’) Every life that chief loses weighs on him so heavily, and what hurts him most is that he feels he could’ve easily saved everyone he lost if he had just done something different, it’s clearly how he felt about Cortana’s death (and subsequent resurrection and all that shit lol don’t get me started) Taking that all into account it’s again so easy to see why this guy is the way he is, you have what was intended to be just your run of the mill video game protagonist become this haunting tale of man with decades of trauma behind him, whose few sources of solace and comfort were taken away from him, yet in spite of all his suffering has the most truly indomitable and unyielding spirit of anyone, because to keep going is not just the best, but the ONLY thing he knows how to do.
the man I just described is not present in halo the series, he’s simply been replaced with someone who was deemed more fit for television audiences, and if you like his character and the show in general, absolutely no hate here, power to you, but its one of the reasons why most halo fans just don’t connect with this show.
also again he fucking had sex like what
#ok but to be fair chief actually having sex is the funniest shit I ever heard#halo#halo ce#halo 3#halo 4#halo infinite#halo the series
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Sorry for the long ask in your inbox!
So like, I've been on the fence about accepting that what I experience in my day to day is certainly SIMILAR to what people with OSDD experience. I went through a LOT of tramua growing up (the worst of it was probably from age 5-8, but it never really stopped) and I've always had a very fragmented sense of self and disconnection with my memories, like I know what happened, but only because someone told me that's what happened. I have no actual memory of it beyond sometimes the feelings but usually NOT the feelings, but I'll have a weirdly detailed account of OTHER events that happened during that time but I won't be able to say for SURE when it happened and then on other days, "I'll" (quotations because I suspect this was another alter?) have a completely different set of memories that cut out parts that I had perfect recollection of the day before; and it's not just memories that this happens with, from day to day, I have different handwriting, internal voice, personality, voice patterns, hobbies, reactions to stressors, skills, coping mechanisms, etc and I am fully aware that I'm definitely not whoever I was yesterday but it doesn't go much further than that usually. Today was... different. I woke up with this strange sense of clarity about being a system and was actually able to say that I probably have four or so alters, at least? I definitely don't experience a ton of amnesia between switches, but that might be because whoever I am never actually leaves the front because sometimes someone will tell me that I did something and I'll be like "bro I did NOT do that but okay" and sometimes I will have internal arguments in my head about like, what I should be doing right now and the other voices always talk in a different font than I do, if that makes sense. Does this like, seem system adjacent to you? I definitely have a dissociative disorder but I'm not sure if it's... enough to qualify.
Hi, I’d like to remind you that I am not a mental health professional, and even if I were, I’m still a stranger on the internet who doesn’t know you/your life. I cannot diagnose you, or tell you whether you’re a system or not. And to be honest, what I think or say doesn’t matter. I’m professionally diagnosed at this point and I still get doubts and denial sometimes because it’s a part of the disorder.
But something that has helped and continues to help me is, even if you’re not sure you have DID/OSDD, you’re having symptoms of something, and you deserve resources to help you cope and treat whatever’s going on. If resources for people with DID help you, you can use them. If something comes along that better explains your symptoms, you can look into that, but otherwise, try not to worry too much about whether you’re “enough to qualify”, partially because how disorders present can vary from person to person, and because, in the end, I don’t think it matters all that much.
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self? talk
so i was recently introduced to Dr G on yt by my older sister and i’m currently stuck binging his videos xDDDD
they’re just really good stuffs
tho i figured some things might fly over your head if you’re not that familiar with hospital working environment
certain things do differ here d/t the system but overall yeah it’s roughly the same
the burned out interns (be strong bill my man), condescending superiors, bone bros being bone bros
yes i can attest to the fact that bone bros does not bother themselves with medical stuffs. ‘that’s what internal medicine is for’ - one of the ortho surgeons.
housemanship (HO) is the equivalent of residency here where i am. and yeah it’s hell. bill really speaks to me on a visceral level i actually teared up a bit after the ‘bill goes to therapy’ skit.
i was first referred to psychiatry in my 2nd? month of HO-ship i think. by then my gastritis got so bad i can only tolerate like 1/4 of a piece of bread(yes) and a dose of MMT every morning. i got sick every several days to the point that even feeding myself felt like a massive thing to do. then one day i just literally broke down and yeah, the rest is history (which some of you may remember). got diagnosed with adjustment syndrome with anxiety symptoms, started on meds, and somehow managed to pull through. then moved on to ortho, which btw was the least stressing period ever honestly. and then to internal medicine.
i know it’s literall hell even before i started going into medical. both of my older sisters are doctors. i read through their textbooks when i was like 5 years old. i know the names of bones and major organs before i know how to make friends.
(which honestly tells certain important things about me that i just finally started to find out after 2 decades)
so, yeah. bill is me. i was bill. probably still is somewhere in there.
i don’t think i can stop being bill the doctor even when i’m no longer one now. it’s after my binge watch spree i realised.
i didn’t want to stop. i didn’t want to quit. but i had to, because otherwise it’ll be to painful to keep on living like that. i wished i had found Dr G’s videos before i quit, then maybe i could’ve pulled through somehow. yes, i know it’s the regret talking.
the environment was hell but i genuinely did enjoyed working. enjoyed the feeling of being able to do something for others no matter how small it is.
i suffered from a year-long burnout that manifested as anxiety symptoms and panic attacks (or longer. much, much longer). and it took me that long too to finally realised that i have impostor syndrome and have been unconsciously masking myself for so long it felt like i finally broke out of the water when it dawned upon me. i’m still in it. not quite entirely out of that headspace yet.
(during the follow up immediately prior to my prolonged sick leave i even confessed that i sometimes did thought of jumping from the wards balcony on the 8th floor. and yes i did consciously avoids the balcony out of fear. i also admit to almost punching one of my attending for being an insensitive jerk. i figured my psychiatrist must’ve saw the murder in my eyes back then.)
(also hence why my stuffs from that period are decidedly fked up.)
i’m still messed up. still trying to mend the broken pieces and frayed ends. still lost with no dreams or goal. still feels like i’m a burden to my parents. still working on how to be myself again after so long. i still have my work messaging groups saved to my phone though left on mute since then. i still kept contact with my work friends though minimal because i don’t know what to say and honestly, i couldn’t bring myself to disturb them. i did think of going back from time to time, but then i’d have to start over again and i got reminded of the horrible things and i just felt so discouraged.
i am one of those ‘gifted kids’ that went down the ‘severely burned out doctor/adult’ pipeline. i am 26 years old (as of this year) when i finally found out that, yes, i am neurodivergent. i have yet to be properly assessed but i’m pretty convinced that i am ADHD/autistic.
i first found out i was ADHD a few years ago. in which my older sister who is a psychiatrist agrees on and went on to mention that she herself is also ADHD. then we both agreed that we got it from our mom, who is also evidently ADHD, though she didn’t know that. though i wondered why i present differently compared to them (they’re both very similar. high energy, short attention span, poor working memories, the tendency to pick up a new thing and then dropping them after in quick succession, strong personalities etc)
me? i’m different. i have those but i’m not physically hyperactive. i’m mentally hyperactive. i also have oddly keen sensories. i also suffers from abyssimal self esteem. i picks up stuffs just as quick (if not faster) but i generally don’t drop them. i keep them into an imaginary drawer in my brain and grab them whenever needed. i have social anxiety but because i have impaired emotional expression no one knows that (my friends told me i don’t look nervous at all regardless of situation). i had always been different but i didn’t know why. i hyperfixates all the way to 6th dimension.
one thing i could really say now is that my impostor syndrome got worse over the 1 year period of working. i remembered telling my psychiatrist that i really just ‘wanted to work well but can’t even do that anymore’.
i miss my friends. i miss work. i miss all the nurses and everyone that helped me, that was nice to me, that was actually concerned about me. that openly asked me what’s wrong when they saw my reddened eyes. i wonder how are they doing. i wonder if they wondered about me. i hope they’re doing well wherever they are. they deserve all the good in this world.
i’m still lost. but everyone got lost in life at least once. it’s a journey with winding roads, you’re bound to get lost. maybe it’s a needed rest. maybe it’s a subtle message for me to stop for a while, take a deep breath, and just look at the flowers growing by the roadside and the clouds floating in the sky. and i’ll find my way in time.
#personal#tw: sui thoughts#i don't get them anymore don't worry#it's just hard#my older sisters are a psychiatrist and a paediatrician respectively#i also hv a gen surgeon and dental surgeon cousins#for some reason many of my family members work in the hospital#my aunts are nurses#yeah#p sure the spec side came from dad#who is quite literally the closest in presentation to me#i have two nieces and yeah p sure they're autistic too#at least the older one is#naturally my sister(paeds) is not bothered#she's autistic too according to my other sister(psych)#i grew up in a nd family unknowingly#oh yes justice flows in our blood#long post#just pouring out my thoughts and feelings#my brain and me
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weekly prompt response: healing (+“this is gonna be a hard one”)
“This is gonna be a hard one,” Dr Szecsy pronounces, white coat whipping around the corner while he flips through the files on his way to the patient’s room.
Dean strolls behind him casually with no regard for the appraisal. “Thing about this is, why do you think I would want to be a doctor? I mean, come on. Can you imagine me actually doing this? I can patch a wound, sure, but listening to people bitch at me about me not knowing what I’m talking about with what’s wrong with them’s not my bag even when I can tell ‘em to stuff it. I’d get sued to hell and back before lunch every day and be PO’d the whole time if I worked here for real. I like watching sexy people work the cases on TV, but actually being a doctor…” he makes a sour face at the guy dying of mystery disease in the bed, “not really part of it for me.”
Something happened between the “it” and the period at the end of his sentence, a fact which he does not realize until he’s done talking. He’s still in the same room, but not in the same spot — couple of feet to his left, with his eye line pretty much farther down. Lab coat is gone too, replaced by…by a hospital gown and sheets? He stretches his neck back a little against the pillow that has materialized behind his head.
“As I was saying, Mr Winchester, your situation is more complicated than I originally assumed,” Dr Szecsy continues unperturbed, eyes still scanning the papers on the clipboard in his hands. “The lab results show high CO2 levels in your blood with no clear cause. What concerns me more, though, is that result’s incongruence with the symptoms that you reported when you checked into the hospital. That, together with the fixation bordering on paraphilia for being taken care of by me and my staff, suggest to me that you were making up the complaints that brought you in so that you could indulge your, ah, kink. But now there is something actually wrong with you, and I don’t trust you to report on your symptoms accurately anymore. So. As I said before: this is gonna be a hard one.”
Dean raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Wow, a hard one, huh?”
The doctor drops the clipboard to his side in a show of irritation. “Yes, Mr Winchester, a hard one. Made harder by your apparent lack of shamelessness in proving my point with comments like that. Maybe I should hand your care over to one of my colleagues…”
Dean wonders for a moment if part of this involves actually giving him some dire medical problem or if that’s just the script. He decides it doesn’t matter; he feels fine.
“No, don’t. I’m sorry about that, Doc.” He gives a pathetic fake cough, whether or not that’s related to whatever problem he supposedly has. “Please, don’t give up on me; I really need your help. What do you need me to do?”
Doctor Szecsy regards him with an unimpressed smolder for a few seconds, then sighs impatiently.
“The best place to start would be for me to check your prostate.”
Dean picks a pen up off the nightstand and chucks it at the ‘doctor.’ “Oh, come on. Even I know that’s not related to blood CO2 levels.”
Szecsy catches the pen and glares. “Do I need to call security?”
Dean rolls his eyes but can’t deny that that’s kind of working for him; the hair on the back of his neck is pricking up pleasantly that that didn’t net him a character break. He settles back in against his pillow.
“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry. Please, Dr Sexy. Heal me.”
The doctor pulls a Dum Dums lollipop out of his white coat pocket, takes his time unwrapping it. The crinkle of the paper keeps goosebumps raised on Dean’s skin that at this point are probably visible down his arms. The bright red candy clicks against the doctor’s teeth when he sticks it in his mouth and re-pockets the wrapper. That’s not one of Dr Sexy’s on-show quirks, a fact that Dean tries to be annoyed by but can’t manage under the cool stare. The soles of the doctor’s boots (costuming detail fixed this time, thankfully) click against the floor as he steps toward the bed and takes the lollipop out from between his lips.
“It’s Szecsy,” he corrects. “Say it.”
Oh please, they’re pronounced the same damn way; that should not be making him shiver under the hospital blankets.
“Doctor Szecsy,” Dean nonetheless repeats obediently.
“Very good.” He sticks the candy in his mouth for another thoughtful suck before removing it again. “And will you keep being good for me?”
Dammit, dammit. Yeah. “Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“Yes, Doctor, I’ll be good.”
Szecsy gives that signature silver-screen smile that’s been making empty motel rooms a little less drab since Dean started watching the show a few years ago, and holds the lollipop in front of Dean’s mouth. It’s fruit punch.
“I’m sure you will. See, this isn’t so hard, is it?”
…Probably not the most accurate way for him to put it.
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May 09 - 2023
9:13 AM
I was gonna talk about how much I want to stop feeling weak lately and explore how I can start challenging myself with my work but my sister might actually be sick today and was sick enough yesterday to stay home from school but my parents claim she’s just crying wolf. I am LIVID out how they refuse to understand and respect a simple desire I have to be told if someone is sick so I can avoid the house. Even if it’s a false alarm, all it takes is the first time it’s not.
In the past I think I’d be a lot more nervous than I am now. I’m still facing a challenge though because it’s not something I can ignore. I am looking at this realistically. The contact I’ve had the last couple days was limited, basically all I did was my laundry and I always wash my hands diligently after touching anything in my parents’ house specifically for this scenario. Also I don’t think she was showing such large symptoms yesterday so she wasn’t as contagious. Even so, it’s possible to live in the same house as someone like this and not catch it as is the case with my mom often times. If I don’t catch myself and remind myself of the facts, I can easily fall into a thought process that convinces me that I WILL get sick and it’s only a matter of time. But the core of my anxiety training was learning not to get so invested in my fear induced fantasies. As it stands I should be able to believe that I have nothing to worry about.
3:42 PM
I guess everything worked out because today I was gonna talk about challenging myself and how I could do that more, and I got a happy little challenge today dealing with that nonsense earlier. It shows how far I’ve come though because in the past I could have predicted a HIGH level of anxiety that probably would have kept me from my work and interests but I stayed out of my head pretty easily.
Since Thursday I’ve tried to go out of my way to hang out with someone different every day and I mostly succeeded. I at least had a couple honest conversations with people I don’t usually talk to. It’s been a lot easier after practicing perspective taking on myself. I want to keep doing it. I’ve learned that trying to get perspective on myself when I’m alone isn’t very effective or relevant unless I’m really hung up on something. When I’m talking to others though, I try to put myself in their shoes and listen to what I am saying to them. It helps me to say things in a way that I more intend. It also reminds me that I am another person in the dynamic. My whole life I’ve tended to treat social interactions like I’m a computer learning what and what not to say. I think it’s uncommon that I open up and organically talk to someone. I think this comes back to the idea that I don’t feel very understood or connected to people, and that’s because I fail to view myself as a person and treat myself with respect.
I’ve found I do too much talking and not enough doing. It’s been hitting me that while taking the time to think and analyze how I behave and how I can fix it, it’s equally or more important to actually act on it. I want to keep reminding myself of this fact. It motivates me to know that more progress is possible if I pick the right thing to do or a different way to do something.
That being said I want to plan a couple of exercises to do today and tomorrow. The first thing I can do is buckle down and finish today’s work right after lunch without wasting time. I want to live up to the reputation I’ve previously earned in the past of being one of the artists that actually does art. Last week I ended up slacking and I feel bad because that goes against who I want to be. For a long time now I feel like I’ve stagnated from how creative and driven I used to be. I feel it’s a matter of letting go of what I think is expected of me and being brave enough to expend energy putting in the time to make my imagination a reality. I often get stuck in a trap thinking things have to be drawn a certain way or that I should avoid experimenting so I don’t spread myself thin or embarrass myself. It takes work to get past these mental roadblocks but right now thats my artistic priority. An easy way to chip away at this is to use my daily 30 minute warmup time to draw new things or in new ways which is what I always meant to do with it but sometimes I’m afraid to.
Im having trouble coming up with what to do with myself. I’ve already had the drive to bravely face every challenge ahead of me instead of whining about it, maybe thats enough for now. It takes a lot of strength, sort of like bracing to plunge into cold water. And other than that, I’m keeping the theme of action in mind. I am not what I feel, I am how I act. If I’m ever unsure of myself or what I’m doing, I can remember to get out of my head and appraise what I’ve been doing. From there it’s easier to gauge where I should go from here.
10:21 PM
Im getting ahead of myself here but I know what my focus is going to be this weekend. Really exploring myself and socializing with people in a meaningful way. I’ve been having a breakthrough in this area, all based around that perspective taking I’ve been doing. Something about embracing that I am how I act and not how I feel and realizing that of others too makes social interactions more authentic. And thats all I’m after. In a broad sense I’m moving from my social interactions being hollow to being full and organic. All because of how I behave and think on my end.
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Okay, it’s my day off, let’s waste it on analysis. Pallas analysis. A-Pallas-is. This latest installment of navel-gazing is on your request and not mine this time, randi, I hope you appreciate it.
So. Why are we doing this? I said goodbye, was very mad at him and very hurt for a while, went over it a few times here, blamed myself for everything, looked back at what I actually said/did, realized I had few regrets, then went “yep think I’m ready to put this to bed now” and effectively stopped thinking about it. and now when I think about him I’m not especially mad anymore, just “wow, that sucked.”
(If I think about it deeper, I get to “He probably had his reasons, and being friends with a suicidal person isn’t easy by any means. Everyone deserves an out from a friendship with me. But the way he went about it really hurt me when I was already at the absolute bottom, so I’m not going to reopen contact with him for my own sake. This is value-neutral.”)
(Whether or not I then blame myself to hell and back for daring to be hurt by the way he went about it depends on the day.)
That’s kind of my basic pattern of getting over things. It helped that he’d hurt me badly before so I already kind of had walls up.
Except. One thing I am not over and still fucks with my life, that lingering effect of “every time I hear about bpd or do something that to me lines up with a symptom of bpd, I panic".
Why? Why does it bother me so damn much that, having had it proven that I don’t have bpd, he may continue to think this? when I don’t even interact with him? I have several thoughts.
Several Thoughts:
1. I spent a while trying to convince him that no, me trying to kill myself wasn’t a manipulation tactic to make em do Literally Anything, whether that was pay attention to me, come back, go the fuck away. Anything. I started explaining this on instinct because whenever I was suicidal when I was younger, that’s how parents treated it, to the extent of the Childish Arm event. But of course he didn’t know that and assumed it was a case of The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, because Honestly Ari No One Said That, and just figured that I absolutely was doing it to manipulate her, consciously or not.
I don’t like the idea that - what was it exactly he said I was doing? Emotionally holding myself hostage? Is something he thinks me not only capable of, but predisposed naturally to doing. Something for him to be like “yeah you just do this no matter what. Go get help or we’re not friends.”
2. Along those lines, it really sort of pathologizes any feelings I may have about it. If I miss Em and want to talk to her, it’s fear of abandonment or obsession. If I feel angry, it’s an overreaction or a mismatch of emotion to the situation. If I care about anyone, it’s idealization or trying to make them be everything. If I’m hurt, it’s my fault.
I already know that I liked Pallas too much for his tastes, which is also why I’m not subjecting him to my company, but that’s his opinion. I don’t want that opinion taking root and splashing up onto anything else I care about, because there’s precious little of it lately.
3. Less Pallas-related, I spend enough time remembering how worried Mom was that I’d turn out wrong, that her “bad genes” would come through, that I’d not care about anyone else, or not know how to handle the world, or just be evil like her mother, or any combination thereof.
This feels like that. Like I need to prove that I’m not crazy in order for anyone to take me seriously if I say anything. Apologize and prove that just because I’m hurting, I’m not trying to hurt.
And I don’t... love doing that.
And all of this boils down to:
4. I don’t want to have stronger emotions than others, or to overreact to things. I’ve been told that every time I had feelings about anything. and have been lucky enough to later find out, from parents at least, that it was mostly because people didn’t see the whole situation or didn’t actually get it, or were trying to convince me to be happy in whatever way they could.
But hearing this, from anyone but especially from someone who was my friend, has me doubting and wondering if maybe I just. Shouldn’t ever be angry. Or sad. Shouldn’t hurt much, definitely shouldn’t hurt enough to want to kill myself, because no reason I’m upset is ever the elusive right one. Instead of the manipulative/mentally ill one.
It sucks and I hate it.
This is making less and less sense. I’m going to post it now and have done and look at it later.
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