Tumgik
#that wouldn't help either actually its better on my pc
plebeiangoth · 5 months
Note
Hey, I'm extremely sorry about this, don't wanna bother you, don't feel like you gotta reply either but I'm kinda desperate and I can't find anyone talking about this so I just decided to search on Tumblr and see if anyone did.
Anyway, I saw you got adware at some point and would like to know if you managed to get rid of it?, I tried the options of putting it on safe mode and going through your apps but there's nothing there, and I'm not tech savvy enough to know which files are supposed to be there or not.
Do you know of any adware removal tool that isn't a scam, or if factory reset will help?, again, sorry, I'm just running out of ideas ""
Hope you have a nice day o/
Took me a while to remember what I posted about adware but I think I found the incident you were referring to. The incident in question wasn't a big deal, I scanned my system with Windows Security and nothing came up and didn't have any issues.
Don't even worry about bothering me! You're not bothering me at all and it sounds like you're pretty worried and upset. Actually there's very little need to be worried about adware.
The thing is you'll likely notice some pop-up ads and your machine acting slower than normal, but nothing well and truly destructive or life-ruining. If it were ransomware you would definitely be screwed and need to wipe your system, or factory reset. So no need to consider any drastic measures for just some pop-ups and a slightly slower computer.
Sounds like you're using a Windows machine. If so here's what I recommend would be the thing to try on your own:
Type "windows security" in the search bar on the lower left corner of your screen and click on "open".
On the left side of the window that would come up, click on "virus & threat protection"
In this window click "scan options", and select "full scan" from the options, then click the "scan now" button. This will take a while, probably hours, but there's no need to babysit the machine while it scans.
This should find and remove your adware, or at least find it and give you the options to remove it. If nothing comes up and your system is working fine, you should be good to go.
If the issue persists or worsens, I urge you to take the machine to a PC repair technician who can remove the malware safely. They won't judge you and will be happy to help.
I'm really sorry to hear you're having this problem. This is the best advice I can offer as an amateur. There are a lot of third-party anti-malware tools you could use but frankly Windows Security is really pretty good. You can also schedule scans in Windows Security to find and remove malware all on its own so you wouldn't need to worry about this so much.
I hope this helps and your day gets better!
0 notes
anonquack · 3 years
Text
| 3am Calls |
Alex Quackity x Reader, Oneshot!
Word Count: 1700
Warnings: None! Just some fluff.
Summary: Unable to fall asleep, you reach out to a friend in order to help ease you into peaceful slumber.
The seconds are passing quickly, 1am turns to 2am, and it doesn't take long for 3am to hit. Stirring around in bed doesn't make the restlessness stop, the little sheeps jumping around your head fall and get back up, attempting once again to lure you to sleep, but it doesn't work. You find yourself staring up at your ceiling, hands resting on your stomach. There is a stinging in your eyes that lets you know you are indeed tired, yet when your eyes finally close, they can't seem to stay that way. These restless nights had been going on for a while, yet you didn't want to be a bother and reach out to any of your friends. Who knew if they were either sleeping or had better things to do. You wouldn't be finding out any time soon. But.. perhaps tonight it wouldn't hurt to reach out. You felt lonely just staring up at your ceiling, and your own thoughts were eating up at you, making the restlessness feel even worse.
You reach out for your phone, turning it on and immediately being blinded by the bright light. Once your eyes became accustomed to the light, you opened messages and took a glance at all the people you had sent some to. A certain someone definitely caught your eye, but you really weren't sure if he'd be up, considering some days he'd wake up super early. He was a busy man, and fitting into his schedule could be a bit difficult. After some thought and the skin of your bottom lip slowly being bitten off, there was a single message sent.
y/n
hi
It was too late to consider his possible sleeping state or the embarrassment that might overtake you in the morning when you get a text with something along the lines of "i was asleep. sorry". You run a hand down your face, deciding to accept your fate and that your luck ran out. Perhaps you'd go back to counting sheep.
alex ((:
hi
The notification casted a bright light on your face, but this time it was welcome. Your finger quickly clicked on it, taking you to the message app.
y/n
did i wake you up by any chance?
alex ((:
i was editing a video, dw
why are you up?
"i don't know." you said out loud as you read the message. "i really don't know.." a small frown appeared on your lips as you texted back:
y/n
can't sleep
alex ((: ahh, is that where i come in?
y/n perhaps.. if you don't mind ofc
alex ((: call me
The message caught you by surprise. Of course you had talked to him on the phone before, but never this late. Never without it being planned beforehand. Never this sudden. Not because you couldn't sleep. Millions of thoughts rushed through your head as you stared at the message. call me. How could one possibly say no to that?
You cleared your throat before pressing on his contact and clicking on the call button. Soon enough, the sound of ringing could be heard, and you held your breath. Of course, he would answer, but you couldn't help the nervous feeling of talking to him this late, and just.. randomly.
"hello?"
Your breath hitched slightly at the sudden halt of the ringing, and the smooth sound of his voice. It didn't sound like it usually did. His voice wasn't full of energy, like it is when he's screaming at his screen or joking around with friends. It was calm, and sounded like he was a bit tired. Who could blame him? He was up editing at 3 in the morning. And here you were, making him talk on the phone rather than encouraging he get some sleep.
"Hi.." you said as a small smile formed on your lips at the thought of how hardworking this man was. "How's the editing going?"
"Mm.. it's going pretty well. I'll probably upload it by tomorrow. I'm planning on just working on it for a bit more before heading to bed." He stated, to which you let out a small hum, "That's good. It's important that you get your rest."
Now it was his turn to let out a small hum of approval. "What's keeping you up?" He asked. You closed your eyes, letting his voice ring and echo inside your head, letting the calmness his voice carried take over you, making you feel calm as well. "To be honest, I don't know. Whenever I close my eyes I just can't seem to doze off."
"Well, do you wanna keep me company while I finish editing? We can talk about random stuff until I bore you enough for you to knock out."
His words made you let out a small chuckle, shaking your head before realizing he couldn't see you. "You could never bore me." You admitted, thinking about his previous words for a few seconds. "That sounds good, actually. If you don't mind.."
"I offered it, didn't I?"
You hum in response. "True.. its settled then."
He let out a small chuckle in response, and the sound alone made you smile. You took a moment to really think about what was happening. You'd keep each other company until either he finished or his soft voice lulled you to sleep, and you'd talk about random stuff. It was a sweet deal.
As you lay in bed, you could hear the clicking sounds his keyboard made when he typed or when he'd move his mouse around while editing the clips. During small moments of peaceful silence, you could hear his steady breathing or light humming.
You'd asked how his day was and listened as he talked about how busy he'd been lately, some of the stuff he had planned for the upcoming month, and how his hard work would let him relax for a few days.. soon. Just hearing how hard he was working and how genuinely excited he sounded about everything he talked about made a warm feeling appear on your chest.
You gave small comments here and there, asking if he could expand on certain projects that caught your attention, as well as asking how he was keeping up with school work. He gladly answered all your questions, but always made sure to ask, "What about you?"
You hadn't noticed that it was mostly him talking, besides your occasional comment. You were just happy to listen to him speak so passionately about everything he did, and to be completely honest, the calm tone in his voice was also making you feel sleepy.
But you'd never deny that it made you feel so.. included. Yes, this was a 1 on 1 call but he always managed to make you feel like your inputs mattered just as much as everyone else's. It was one of his qualities that you adored wholeheartedly.
It could be during a stream, a group call, or even group chat. He always made sure that everybody felt included. He was just that sweet.
So even if you were now half asleep, you always made sure to respond and also tell him how your day went and what you had been up to. It was nice just being able to talk about simple things like that with him so late.
"I think I'm gonna stop editing for tonight. Just have a few things left but fuck, my eyes are killing me." He finally stated after a questionable discussion.
"As you should. You work too hard.. give your eyes a well deserved rest." You said, slightly rubbing at your eyes. The faint sound of shuffling and a few clicks could be heard, presumably him turning off his PC and heading to his bed.
A few more shuffling sounds could be heard before he spoke again. "I know. Thank you, Y/N. You always remind me how important it is that I take care of myself." The smile was evident in his voice, and he sounded way closer than before.
"Of course.. that's what I'm here for."
"I'll remind you too. Don't worry."
"Thank you, Alex." Small pause. "Are you gonna head to bed now?" You looked at how long the call had been going for and realized it had been well over an hour, making your eyes widen slightly.
"I could. Orrrr I could keep talking to you."
"You could.. but you should also head to bed and-"
"I'm already in bed. Got my blankets covering me and everything. Tucked in."
"Did you tuck yourself in? I should do it for you next time." You joked, before realizing you might have overstepped some boundaries. You froze as the call remained silent for a bit.
"Maybe you should– But you're not really down."
Your body relaxed as you realized his response had the same joking tone as yours did, and that it was okay to joke around about this stuff. You let out a small scoff.
"I'm not down? I will gladly go tuck you in. Just send your location and I'll be there in 5 minutes."
His voice had gotten raspy, quieter, and even more soothing if even possible. Each of his responses seemed to calm you more and more with each passing second.
"Well I'm already tucked in so you missed out on that opportunity." He boldly stated.
"We could tuck each other in next time." You said with a smile on your lips, and that earned a small chuckle from him. "Maybe." He hummed in response.
You felt so elated at that moment. You'd had a wonderful conversation with Alex, and he'd managed to make you feel more relaxed. At that moment, you found your eyelids fluttering shut, and at last they didn't force themselves open again.
Alex had been trying to get comfy himself while you were falling asleep. When he realized the silence had gone on for too long, he listened closely for any sound coming from you, and was only met with steady breaths.
"Y/N..?" He asked, quietly this time. Nothing. He let out a small hum, a small smile on his lips at the realization that you had fallen asleep. "Goodnight, Y/N."
223 notes · View notes
Text
Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright
This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!
I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart
tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU
words: 4.7k
Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.
(ao3 link)
(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.
  Phil :) (9:47 PM)
i know!
i can’t believe it either!
For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.
Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.
  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)
Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!
**neither, this
Jeez i can spell
Phil :) (9:51 PM)
idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…
  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!
Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.
Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.
He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.
To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.
He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.
  Phil :) (10:07 PM)
Dan you know im joking right?
Phil :) (10:16 PM)
Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want
u didnt fall asleep did you?
  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.
  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)
nooo im not sleeping
Phil :) (10:18 PM)
:(
Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)
why the frowny face
Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-
His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.
(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)
  Phil :) (10:20 PM)
did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?
*disappeared
Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.
  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)
now look who’s making the typos
Phil :) (10:20 PM)
Dan.
  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.
Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.
  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)
sorry, joke
no, thats not why i ran away
i was just thinking, thats all
Phil :) (10:21 PM)
were you doing it again
  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.
Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.
Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?
  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)
no
Phil :) (10:22 PM)
im not convinced
you were werent you
Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)
does my word not count for anything lol
Phil :) (10:24 PM)
maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count
Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)
what’s my face got to do with anything?
Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.
  Phil :) (10:26 PM)
bc then i could tell if you were lying
tho rn i dont even need that
Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)
are u seriously saying im lying
Phil :) (10:27 PM)
yeah
you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth
you joked
changed / focused the conversation onto smth else
and besides
ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff
Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)
so how bout we not talk about them then
Phil :) (10:29 PM)
normally, maybe
but not with this
Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)
and why not?
Phil :) (10:29 PM)
bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head
Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)
who said i was beating myself up in my head
Phil :) (10:30 PM)
… dan :/
youre avoiding again
Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?
  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)
fine. maybe i am
what are you gonna do about it philly?
Phil :) (10:32 PM)
daaaaannnnnn
you arent allowed to beat yourself up
no ones allowed to
especially you!
  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.
  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)
and why not? Hmm?
Phil :) (10:34 PM)
bc youre my favorite person silly
my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules
Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)
oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip
Phil :) (10:35 PM)
ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that
and theyre my rules
my rules for my favorite person
Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)
suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule
*philip
Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.
Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-
  Phil :) (10:41 PM)
[multimedia image: click to load]
With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.
  Rules:
1. Dan Howell is my favorite person
2. No one is allowed to make fun of him
3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself
Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.
Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.
  Phil :) (10:43 PM)
there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now
Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)
i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork
but fine! i guess if i have to lol
Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.
  Phil :) (10:46 PM)
so you admit to your crimes xD
but anyways
you were stuck in your head again
which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help
Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.
But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.
  Phil :) (10:47 PM)
can i ask whats got you so sad and worried
so i can beat it up
obvs
  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?
He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.
  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)
noooo
Phil :) (10:51 PM)
are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it
i just wanna be here for you
If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.
Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.
  Phil :) (10:53 PM)
bc youre my best friend.
obvs. xD
If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.
Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.
Fuck.
  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)
it doesnt matter
Phil :) (10:56 PM)
yes it does
its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters
Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)
phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts
Phil :) (10:58 PM)
still
something is bothering you and i want to fix it
Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.
  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)
nooo phil, you cant fix this one
Phil :) (10:58 PM)
>:(
you cant even let me try?
  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.
  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)
no phil, not with this sorry :(
Phil :) (11:01 PM)
:((((
okay
i may not like it but i can respect that
will you tell me tomorrow?
Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.
He could only hope.
  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)
sure
tomorrow
Phil :) (11:03 PM)
yay!!!
  Dan laughed, breathily.
  Phil :) (11:03 PM)
oooh! look at the time!
its getting so late bear wow
guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD
  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.
God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.
Stupid feelings.
  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)
yeah i guess we should!
night philly :)
Phil :) (11:05 PM)
goodnight dan!! :D
see you tomorrow!
(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )
Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.
He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.
  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)
:)
  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.
God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.
Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.
Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.
Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.
For once.
Please.
~~~~~~
Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.
He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.
With no luck.
Of course.
Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.
But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!
But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.
Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.
As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.
For Phil.
~~~~~
Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.
Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.
Dan was here.
There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.
The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.
Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.
Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.
People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.
But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.
Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-
"Dan!”
Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.
Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.
Against Phil.
And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.
Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.
Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.
His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.
Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.
“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.
Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.
“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”
Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.
“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”
Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.
“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”
Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.
Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.
“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”
Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.
He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.
Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.
Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.
This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.
~~~~~
Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.
It had been nearly nine years.
Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.
It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.
As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.
Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.
The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.
4 notes · View notes