#that i don't deserve to feel sick from hunger as a punishment for being that way

[windtorn]

@forbelobog speaks: 💭 // thought(s) my muse has had about yours

'you were a simple man. when i first saw you, i knew it to be true. you were tall, the type of man that petite women would fawn over the idea of getting to step up on the tips of their toes to kiss. handsome, adored by the denizens of belobog, your strong and calloused hand sought after by many. loyalty unmatched, unbound by the word of the guardian in better interest of the people. what a life fit for a pretty, rich brat like yourself. people like you aren't anything special, you're just as easy to manipulate. for the right price, anyone was. people endure and they struggle, all to submit to their petty vices and despicable sin when the woes of life become too heavy to bare. you are just a man, gepard landau, i knew you would snap just the same as any. i wanted to test those limits, press you until your boughs threatened to break like a common tree branch. save for the fair red that tinted your face from pretty lies spoken straight from the fox's mouth...you never did falter. not ever to a guy like me, as ever-persistent as i was, anyway. sometimes, i wish you had though. lash out at me, affirm that i am the scum that everyone says i am. they're not wrong though, you do get that, right? if the loss of their lives amidst one of my schemes meant i got an extra swath of credits or two then it would be no skin off my back. my hands would still be clean if something else did the dirty work for me, but you would save them. you would save me, isn't that funny? all i crave is the pleasure of laughter, but i can't find it in me to see the humor in this sick little game we play.

i thought i had you figured out, but you proved to me-annoyingly so-that you just weren't like other people. you couldn't just be like a normal person, could you? no, you had to look at me with those cold eyes, not ones of stoicism but ones that pierced through me. i hated you for a time, even. hated that you could treat me like someone that deserved respect without asking for it outright or needing to prove it so. you should hate me, gepard landau! why don't you hate me? how can your kindness feel so cruel. i'm exhausted by feeling, kindled into being within the vagrancy that not even the roaring hoarfrost of the eternal freeze could permeate. you should have just left me be, now i'll never forget the hole that you burned open wide in my chest. i wanted to ruin you, but that was not a task meant for me, and when you showed me kindness, i would never consider it again. what divine irony it was for you to pursue me out of duty and for me to pursue you back out of twisted hunger, self-inflicted punishment and ever-insatiable for your attentions. these masks don't feel so tight around you. you taught me how to breathe again, and there was tranquility to be had in the peace it offered in doing such a mundane function that brought life. i found that you were not a simple man, and that perhaps, not all people were as easy and predictable as i had framed them to be. maybe the black and white that painted my word could have gradients of grey too. i spoke that in optimism if only it meant that you could be my prize. though you should fear the man that walked behind your bastion's walls if you knew who he really was. i would wait until the world fell apart or tear it asunder myself if it ended with you, but we dont have forever and there is someone out there far better for you than i. you deserve that, dearest gepard. these filthy, wrathful hands of mine dare not touch what i cannot keep and have as my own. '

#ic ;; #main ;; #answered ;; #(( ok i promise i wont delete this one on accident SGDSSDH maybe hopefully )) #(( smoocces u....thank u for indulging me always ))

[againstshame]

I realized that I have some internilized ableism issues. 

I was giving my friend updates about what I got done each day.

I found that difficult not just because I was

Ashamed that I didn't accomplish much,

or even

Ashamed that such little things are considered accomplishments for me,

but because the act of reporting back itself requires acknowledgment that I need extra support. 

For me, that acknowledgment comes with the thoughts/feelings of "Normal people don't need help like this, I'm different, weaker, sick, broken, wrong."

Anything that "Normal people dont have to do" comes with that feeling, so actually doing the thing requires accepting it as fact that I am a bad person. (Bad like low quality not like evil) (Although sometimes the idea follows that if I'm not a cost effective person (value of resourses consumed vs value of output) then the choice to keep consuming resourses is morally unsound)

That's a super cruel way of thinking. How do I convince myself its not true?

There are three ways I deal with this type of thinking, personally.

1. The standards for what types of help are normal to need, how much "value" we ought to produce, etc. are really just ideas that somebody made up. They are not accurate descriptions of reality- it may seem like everybody except you is perfectly Normally Productive and never needs Extra Help, but this is mostly because we don't know that many details about our acquaintances' private lives. Human beings are hugely diversely weird, and the world is full of people who are struggling but getting by through various kinds of "extra support" that they may or may not even think of as extra or unusual.

2. I'm going to quote from The Dispossessed by Ursula Le Guin here.

“For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled into the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward.”

If we actually tried to run society strictly by "cost effectiveness" and expecting people to earn exactly as much as they "cost" society... a lot of people would die and we would stop having a society. It doesn't work.

3. Even if you were going to accept the idea that you're a broken, less-than, substandard human being... Has hating your weakness ever made you any stronger? Because it hasn't for me. It's done the opposite. It's made me less capable of doing things for myself, it's made me less capable of finding ways to cope with problems, it's made me less capable of even thanking people when they help me. The absolute most effective thing I ever did to make myself less of a """burden""" on my friends and family was to stop trying to hide every "broken" thing about myself out of shame.

#as vent posts #internalized ableism #self hate #shame #'being a burden' feels #deserving help

[atissi]

What advice would you give someone who wants to play Pathologic but is also terrified of screwing up really badly because I've played just enough of it to feel like there's no way I can succeed without looking stuff up but I don't want to do that! Just basic tips and/or reassurances if you have any?

Updated: Feb. 27 2021 (since I've finished and am replaying P2)

See, the thing about Pathologic is that it’s not possible to “succeed” like you do in other video games. There’s no happy ending for everyone. In the same sense, you can’t really fail. The game accommodates a wide variety of deaths and mistakes—even in Pathologic Classic HD, you can get a character's ending if you hoard enough medicine by the end of the 12 days, no matter how many people get sick or die. In Pathologic 2, everyone can die, but you’ll still be able to get an ending. Even some of the "bad" endings are fun in their own right. Sometimes, the game will reward you with more content because you failed in the first place.

All that being said, I totally relate to your fears. I’ll start by talking about Pathologic 2 first, since I’m more familiar with it. Then there will be some tips on playing Pathologic Classic HD.

Pathologic 2 is incredibly punishing, both emotionally and mechanically. I’ve seen people adapt to this through 3 different playstyles. I’ll rank them in terms of “least close to the intended gaming experience” to “most close”.

1. Just cheat.

“wrt cheating, as a notorious cheater, id recommend trying to do the game as legitimately as possible regardless! if there are some aspects that you absolutely do not vibe with, even with reduced difficulty (for me that's hunger mechanics), i would say that you can load in items to mitigate this aspect. and, tying in with the second point, if you complete a run this way you can always go back and try it legitimately since you've (sort of) gotten an understanding of the mechanic.” - Onion

If you have really bad anxiety, or just dont have the time available to do the other playstyles, cheating is a way to engage with Pathologic 2′s excellent story. Fiddling with the difficulty controls is allowed. Spawning in endless food for yourself is possible. I can even get you in touch with someone who uses cheat codes in the game regularly to get game assets. If changing the game is what it takes for you to get through it, I think it’s better than nothing. But I’d personally at least encourage you to try an Imago playthrough first. Decide if it’s too difficult for you after that. And again: Pathologic 2 is constantly trying to trip you up. It’s meant to be difficult. Sometimes you’ll fail and the game won’t tell you if you could have prevented it. Just keep going. But like Onion said, cheating works as a supplement.

2. Replay, replay, and replay, until you get it right.

“You can always replay. You have more time than they do. Also save states are your friend.” - Alex

“reload as much as possible, do NOT look things up. your first playthru WILL be bad, and thats good!!! experience it fully yourself first. [and] “reload as much as possible” meaning like: [it] isnt a crime, you can do it as many times as possible. but dont get stressed about doing everything perfectly. its an experience!!!” - Zee

There’s no penalty for using your save states. If you get stuck in a death loop, go back as far as you need to in order to get things right. Hopefully this means starting a day over and using your time more effectively. Personally, I got to Day 7 before realizing I had to restart from Day 1, because I was doing that badly. Trust me, if you’ve gotten one miracle cure and 10 bottles of water by then, you’ll be doing better than I was. My friend Bee had trouble too, and took 92 hours to finish their first playthrough. A replay playstyle takes a LOT of time. But Pathologic 2 is so rich in content that replaying isn’t even as annoying as it could be. And this is also the best way to complete as many quests and save as many people as you want. Whenever you’re scared, just remember: you can always go back on your choices! (Other than the theatre’s death penalties. But nothing can help you with those.)

3. Just go through it.

Again. You’re not supposed to succeed in Pathologic. In the words of the lead translator Kevin Snow, “…I know [Pathologic 2’s] script and this is different from other games: there’s so much story locked behind failure and death. You’ll die, and you can’t save everyone. That doesn’t gate you from story; it gives you more. Resist, survive, but continue.” It’s only when you’re suffering that you experience the story so viscerally. That’s when the choices mean something. Sacrificing your own health or the health of others–saving tinctures for yourself, breaking into houses, killing people, choosing not to help people because you just don’t have time–these are impactful because you’re experiencing the mechanical repercussions of your actions. You are not a removed arbiter of the Town’s suffering. Everyone in Pathologic is having the worst 12 days of their life, and you’re dying right alongside them. Spoilers for Day 4, but I don’t think visiting the Rod and seeing the Tragedians would have affected me so deeply if I wasn’t actively starving for the entire sequence. It served as a reminder that I wasn’t the only one in pain; it was heart-breaking and heart-warming. Which I think is Pathologic at its core.

Try to see your failures in the game as another form of success. You’re experiencing the game as it’s meant to be played. And when you feel bad about all the people you’ve failed, remember that this is all a play. The game knows it’s artificial. You can replay the game after you finish–and feel free to use cheats or lowered difficulties on a replay–in order to get everything right. Your mistakes aren’t permanent! But on a first playthrough, try to tough through the hardships. You’ll have a more fulfilling time.

Other tips

You can use these 3 playstyles in combination if you need to. I let myself die when I feel like I deserved the punishment, or reload when I feel like I don’t. Bee managed to finish Day 11 by lowering the game difficulty in the final stretch. Just approximate the intended gaming experience as much as you can.

As for gameplay guides, I don’t think anyone I’ve met recommends it (at least for Pathologic 2). The game does interesting things with when and where it reveals information to you, often in ways that are deliberately inconveniencing. You want to experience that on your own. I also think Pathologic 2 is relatively good at telegraphing mechanics or quests. compared to Patho Classic. That said, I do have tips that I wish I knew before playing:

Sprint everywhere. I know the town is beautiful. But you’re on a hell of a time crunch. If you finish your quests early you can forage or trade for more resources, or just bottom out your exhaustion bar. Sprinting does not make your exhaustion go up faster, and water is plentiful in the first few days. Just do it! Save your own time!

Save a lot. Even if you’re not gonna die on your way in and out of the Broken Heart, this game is chock-full of choices, down to the resource management. If you waste a swig of twyrine, you’ll want a good save point to reload at. You can load any save point in your timeline, so save as often as you want. Keep track of where clocks are on the map--the game tags these in the building descriptions. (For that matter, keep track of where beds are. I didn’t realize I could sleep at Vlad Sr.’s place, which made me waste SO much time travelling between the Shelter and the Lair.)

Learn the trading economy. Everyone holds items at different values. Even the kids value certain nuts over others. There are also some interesting conversion rates between items, like peanuts to soap to pemmican. Make the most of the items you’re bartering. And for that matter, try to build up a cache of items valuable to little girls, in case you find one with a schmowder. The kid’s caches are valuable for trading too: twyrine can show you the locations.

This is also a good spoiler-free guide to Pathologic 2′s mechanics.

For Pathologic Classic HD, I haven’t personally played it, but I’m under the impression that it’s easier than Pathologic 2 because there are less character perma-deaths and no death penalties. The advice about reloading still applies. Here’s what Ally says:

“id recommend using a spoiler free guide (Bachelor, Haruspex, and Changeling guides) but other than that read the diary and letters carefully and try to keep track of npcs that could be affiliated with quests. also! some quests have different options for endings so there could be multiple ways to complete them. stock up on food on the earlier days, and after the inquisitor arrives because the prices drop. try to stealth kill with melee weapons when you can, and also reserve your bullets. …also make sure to trade with the children a lot! hold onto objects like the hooks and flowers [to get schmowders. Like I said before, to win the game you only need enough cures to heal the Bound.] …another tip is to keep a pen and paper around to take notes. like when i got the tincture recipes instead of keeping them in my inventory i just wrote them down.”

And that’s it! If you need specific advice or clarification, feel free to DM me! I love talking about this game. I can also get you in touch with anyone mentioned in this post (except Kevin Snow LMAO). Pathologic has an amazing story and I want everyone to experience it!!!

#inbox #beepbeep.txt #pathologic

[theseagull16]

Warning the following information contains swearing detailed graphic descriptions and sexual references and criminal acts which could be upsetting to some viewers viewers discretion advised before reading the rest of this post remember this is all of my own oc is not official and I don't know how to make it if it's even possible anyone knows please comment but for now is this is my personal SCP but other Scps mentioned are real as in official

Important notes to remember when dealing with Dizzy who is earned the nickname toxic touch, to Foundation members. Due to her hated to the Foundation she regularly uses every opportunity to pranck and humiliate Foundation members especially ones which she considers as horrible people that deserve a punishment in extreme cases she even use her ability to cause suffering to people that she describes as evil and deserve it and auto regular meals are available to Dizzy, technically she doesn't need to eat or drink or sleep do her enormous ability to unable to be harmed she doesn't even have the ability to taste anything with a bad tast eany thing with a negative taste is tasteless to her. And is unable to smell bad smells to including toxic smells like mustard gas doesn't affect her too She doesn't need to eat, drink or use the bathroom any food that she does gets aszord into her body through natural means including non edible items if not taken out of the body with artificial tweezers for she able to actually get cut even through needles or buy knives no matter how much forces put unto them. she's amunes to gas that knocks out people and to being knocked out it's in this case ends up just being a hit to the head that doesn't cause any damage to her only to the item that gets hit but despite not needing to eat she continues to eat like a normal person would with even doe she doesn't feel hunger or thirst because to her own words "I'm used to it and it feels normal" due to her anormal ability on people unable to have any thoughts of harm to her she has befriended a large amount of the D class and try to stop any D class that is tended for use of deadly objects when given the opportunity and has this annoying habit of spying on people and interacting with experiments when not allowed for own personal entertainment she also enjoys interacting with SCP. SCP she has interacted versed to Kieta to safe class she often will tell SCP that are unaware of the foundations true intentions to make them more aware saying that they're living there in her own words this is been tried to not be encouraged but she still goes on doing it. Dizzy are close friends with a particular SCP, SCP 1504 also known as Joe schmoas as they both describe each other as best friends and in Joe case he's only friend. Dizzy with often go out purely for the sake of indulging one another in conversations interactions pranks and invocation escape which include finding ways to break so out of his containment for order to them to interact when meetings are not allowed attempt auto escape have been limited after initial first meeting

the 2 close friendship it due to Dizzy being completely immune to he's effect of his actions not being seen and replaced with a normal interaction in short she's the only one who can really see what he's doing or saying. medical teams has suggested for Joe to continue interactions with Dizzy seeing that his mental health and well-being has gone up by over 50% since his first meeting with Dizzy by accident and his need for containment has decreased due to lessen desirehad to escape and happiness levels going up this however has been denied due to the fact that the relationship with one another has been described as a toxic friendship due to them pushing each other doing reckless things ordo dizzy and Joe are both immune to their reckless behaviours and have no effect to or in Joe case don't die but still feels effect, them personally it does have effect on the outer environment they are in causing things like breakouts unecessary harm reckless behaviour and mentally scarring some people including playing pranks on people, any interactions taken should be done under strict supervision and limited time the toxic friendship includes drug taking, smoking, drinking heavily, drinking, assaulting personnel, escape attempts, stealing, grand theft auto, blackmail with videotape, blackmail when question about it they both blow it off as having fun and would have done it even without each other is recommended that both Dizzy and Joe are kept at separate containment sites at all times auto Dizzy has always found a way to get to her dear friend no matter what, and you too Joe's anomalous ability the two has broken each other out of containment cells multiple times more properly then recorded by personnel unfortunately ignoring Joe due to his anomalous ability. The two first met during a containment beach following SCP 1504 install recovery dizzy was in her room and was curious when the door opened by itself automatically so she went out exploring the Foundation whilst the containment breach was in full swing Joe was walking down the cawdor to leave the foundation through the front door when the two bumped into each other unaware of Dizzy immunity to his ability he just insulted her indirectly telling her "she's another containment fuck" note the only way that Joe was able to insult her despite having a negative effect is by indirectly adding her due to the fact he was referring to the entire containment Dizzy responded "hey you no spring chicken yourself you shit". shocked at her insult Joe then mumbled "you you understood what I said' like actually understood what I said" Joe then try to grab her by the soldiers in a state of shock but Dizzy avoided and then explained her enormous abilities ability to bring sickness to not be harmed in any way probability not needing to eat drink or sleep even the ability to have anything that touches her slip off Joe proceeded to tell her he's enormous ability and why was he so shocked the two then talked backstories and the proceeded for the rest of the containment breach to sit down in a nearby park and talk about personal stories. So has been consistently asking to talk to dizzy ever since. Did you have interacted with other SCP before examples include experimenting with the many voices 939 and feeding them alcohol beer to be precise to makes them do tricks their excuse for doing it is discovering information that the many voices like alcohol especially beer and teaching them new tricks like showing their little middle finger on command another example stealing alcohol from Dr ---- liquor cabinet to give to the many voices in the first place for fun, stealing Dr---- car Dizzy give him the meddle finger the two then drove off into another dimension Joe driving the two tuck pictures when a mtif soldier caught up with them they knocked him out Dizzy then gave him a nosebleed with her powers and thay Ty him up and threw him in the boot and continued to drive. When mtif teams caught them. The car was unfortunately destroyed in a fire accident doctor passed out when witnessed this

#ocs #Dizzy #scp #scp-1504 #SCp-with many voices