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seesgood · 3 years

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can we very gently talk about call out posts / culture really quick? not in a judgmental way, but in like a: i just want to pose a thought and explain why i’m never going to buy into it and why i wish it would become less of a trend instead of more of one? and i’ll add the disclaimer here: i totally get not wanting certain people around you for various reasons, that is all your prerogative. that’s your comfort level. but in emphasizing “your blog should be a safe space” we’re kind’ve losing sight of the fact that the rpc should also be a safe space, and as much as your comfort and safety matter, so do other people’s. and not just the person who hurt you, but the third parties and other mutuals and 99.9% of people who are not at all involved in any way in whatever happened. so, anyway here goes, read it or don’t, we all have different opinions or reasons, i just want to be heard:

people are allowed to change. think back to who you were last year. two years ago. think about the stuff you said when you were seventeen, or twenty-one, or hell whatever age you were. current-you would probably cringe at the kind of stuff past-you had to say. because you grew. you learned. you had life experiences. in hindsight you have the freedom to be like “oof yeah that was not the best version of myself right there damn i don’t want to be like that again.” the growing trend of ‘here’s a 10+ page google doc complete with out of context screenshots that sometimes date back to like 2017 or earlier’ makes this kind of change impossible. because right there, you’ve just frozen a person in time, probably not at their best, removed any and all amounts of context, and put it on the internet and let other people judge it for themselves.

so that leads into another point that i want to just kinda present to the community at large: the act of documenting behaviors and storing them for months / years at a time, in itself creates a super unsafe environment, not just for you, your friends, the people who have hurt you --- but also for anyone else that isn’t at all involved in whatever happened. like, for example, i like to think that i’m a pretty nice person. i actively try to be a nice person. am i sometimes not having the best day? have people definitely caught me in bad moments? oh hell yeah. but am i, as someone who tries really hard to be nice and welcoming, constantly thinking through every message i send to someone knowing that a) i could have a reputation that makes them read into context that isn’t there and that could contribute to them misinterpreting words i meant in a different way, b) very aware that every post i make, ask i send, message i send can at any moment be screenshotted and posted and taken out of context and either serve as someone’s only opinion of me or pile on to someone’s existing opinion of me? yeah. so in my experience, and based on people i’ve talked to, we now have this thing where you can be surface-friends wtih a lot of people, but if you want to survive in the tumblr rpc you should really only have 2-3 people that you really trust that you can actually talk about shit with.

and lately i’ve been seeing a resurgence of posts on my dash about like “bring back xyz in the rpc” or “the reason the rpc is like this is because of xyz” and i both agree and disagree with a lot of this, but primarily i think the reason the rpc is Off lately is because everyone and their cousin has a DNI, which is --- again --- your decision and i understand and respect that, but while you know the context of every name on that DNI, other people don’t. and to be honest: other people don’t really care and honestly maybe they shouldn’t care. --- and don’t get me wrong, your friends should care if someone has hurt you. that’s important. but joe billy bob who just wants to write their character with yours is going to read through your rules, they’re going to see “do not interact with me if you follow with or interact with these people you’ve never heard of and if you want me to tell you why just message me” (which no one is ever going to do, i’m sorry to say). and say, joe billy bob also followed that other person because they were like ‘omg this blog looks cool’ --- now joe billy bob, who just wants to write cool plots, is suddenly the middle-man in some type of drama that they do not understand, and maybe they’re able to remove themselves from the situation, but even then it’s still in the back of your mind.

this is getting long. it’ll be longer, but let’s take a brief break for me to remind you that in some cases, it’s definitely good to give your mutuals and friends a heads up when someone has done something really, really bad. like, remember x amount of years ago when some dude was like ‘i’m gonna make up a new person and say they died by suicide as a social experiment’ or ‘hey this person actively tries to force very triggering plots about abuse / rape / incest onto people and has been doing so for years and does not seem to change their ways no matter how many people try to educate them’ that’s shit people should probably know about. and it’s also okay ( in my opinion ) for your friends to be able to message you like ‘hey i saw you’re writing with x and i just wanted to let you know i had this experience with them’ if that’s something they feel comfortable doing. and if they are comfortable with you still having the autonomy to make your own decision regarding the person.

i’ll be honest, for a second: i’ve been part of friendships and groups that have turned really toxic for one reason or another. a handful of times. there are probably people out there that are like “yeah this chick is really fake and manipulative and etc, i was friends with her back in 2019″ which, okay. yeah. i’ve definitely done shit and said shit that was not the most representative of who i want to be and who i want to become, and you probably have to. because we are human beings and we are a product of our social groups and the community around us. and you shouldn’t be chained to a version of you that isn’t you anymore. people change. they grow. you don’t have to like them, but you should respect that sometimes people don’t mesh, and that doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, it just means the experience was bad.

a few additional notes i would like to make but i’ve already gone on way too long:

90% of the callout posts that i’ve seen and the DNI’s that i’ve seen can, in my opinion, be classified as a friend group thing. you were friends with x, x did something, now y and z aren’t friends with x anymore. pain is a very, very real thing and people hurting you should never be minimized, but at some point i just want you to remember that not every friendship is going to end happily, but both you and the other party should be allowed to move on and grow better, healthier friendships after. rehashing Friend Group Gone Wrong instances removes that ability for not only person x, but also person y and z.

you putting out a callout says just as much ( maybe more ) about you than it does about the other person. which sucks. because i’d like to think we all have great intentions, and i’m not saying that you should swallow your pain, but it might not be the kind of thing that impacts the community at large, and maybe you should try to find a better way of working through it with a trusted friend(s)

i’m going to be very real and very blunt on this one: literally no one cares. i say that with love. i’m good friends with people who have each other on their DNI’s. establish a baseline of respect and ‘i’m not going to say anything to them about you and vice versa because there’s no need for me to do so’ and move on. but seriously. no one cares. most outside people read callout posts because they like being in the know about the drama, not because they actually care.

person a and person b who are mentioned in the DNI / callout aren’t the only ones who are going to be affected. your friends, your mutuals, your writing partners are now all put in a weird spot where you have to pick sides on an issue you know nothing about and shouldn’t have to know anything about. you’re asking people to choose sides on an issue they cannot fully understand, and that’s not fair to them or to you. and it drives great people away. and then we all lose out on having more awesome people in the rpc.

you’re entitled to your safe space, but this is a public platform and you are also responsible for maintaining your safe space. you shouldn’t put it entirely on other people to do that for you. you can block, blacklist, make up funny names for, or spitefully erase from your many anything and anyone that you wish. but you shouldn’t make your friends do it for you.

there’s always an inherent power imbalance when any kind of drama occurs between those who have more followers / friends / connections and those who do not. and the smaller blog is always going to suffer a little bit more because they don’t have people blindly coming to their defense.

bad moments, bad experiences, bad decisions DO NOT equal bad people.

allow people to make up their own mind about something or someone

anywho, if you read through this whole thing i think i owe you financial compensation. but also thank you for reading / listening / considering. even if you rolled your eyes through the whole thing like “stfu lia” that’s fine. i’m just presenting an alternative thought. i’d like to once again state: i’m not judging you if you’ve made a callout/DNI or if you’re on a callout/DNI. like i literally don’t care. and frankly, in my opinion, i shouldn’t have to. because i, and you, and your friends, and your mutuals, and your non-mutuals should be allowed the space to make up their own opinion and mind on something or someone without being told that there will be consequences if they don’t agree with you. set boundaries. communicate in healthy ways. you don’t have to forgive the people who have hurt or wronged you, but you also don’t get to decide that their actions make up 100% of who they are as a person, or decide that that is the only side of that person people should get to see.

#ʟᴇᴛ’s ᴛᴀʟᴋ ɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʀᴜʟᴇs ⸺ psa.#/ long post cw.#when i say long i mean LONG #i could do an entire dissertation on this #i could do a ted talk #but ys know #if anyone wanted to do some ahem non-light reading this morning #*jazz hands*#( if you want to reblog this monstrosity you definitely can )

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highladyluck · 3 years

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Mat’s Types, or On Tricksters

I recently made a joke about Mat's 'type' essentially being the Shadar Logoth dagger, and while I stand by it, I also think there's a lot more to it than that. I believe Mat actually has two types, which is entirely appropriate for a trickster archetype. One of his types is playful, joyful, generous people, who reflect his early- but persistent- personality. The other is sharp, powerful, existentially dangerous people, like the person he becomes over the course of the series. Like a raven- itself a trickster figure in Haida storytelling- Mat is attracted to shiny things, mirrors, and death.

But first, some definitions. I'm calling Mat a trickster archetype, so what is that? The trickster archetype is built on a kind of dual contrast. To trick someone, you must change things in a surprising way. Tricksters introduce chaos into an ordered system, or reveal order in what was thought to be chaos. (It's not surprising, or a change, to add order to order, or chaos to chaos.) So tricksters are transformational, liminal figures, who defy expectations and subvert the preexisting order- but who therefore *require* predictions and structure to have any kind of impact or meaning at all. Playing a game requires there be rules; revealing a loophole requires there be a contract.

Within this definition, there's still a huge range of characters you can call tricksters, and it's useful to categorize them across spectrums. One axis of a trickster is "effectiveness", which refers to the trickster's ability to effect change; this is 'incompetent to competent', 'foolish to canny', 'harmless to dangerous'. Another axis is "motivation" which refers to the trickster's ethical structure; this is 'good to evil', 'generous to selfish', 'just to unjust'. There's another kind of axis that's related to motivation, which I'll call "comprehensibility", and which refers to the trickster's transparency of motive; the range there is 'knowable to unknowable', 'familiar to alien', 'clear to mysterious'. If you wanted to chart them all I'd make effectiveness the horizontal x-axis, motivation the vertical y-axis, and comprehensibility the z-axis perpendicular to both of them, but this is starting to get into 'gesturing at the wall map with crazy eyes' territory and I'm mostly just going to be talking about effectiveness and motivation anyway, so let’s move on.

Tricksters can be foolish figures, always getting caught, often the butt of their own joke. That's our early impression of Mat- a prankster who never really seems to get away with anything, or a fool caught in a trap of his own making. Mat is also generous, insofar as he has apparently been rescuing people his whole life, plus he's very 'easy come, easy go' about money, and has a decent instinct for gift-giving, whether those are compliments or actual physical presents. He has a strong sense of justice that puts him at odds with people who have (unearned) privilege and who are abusing power, and he loves verbally trapping people into confronting their own hypocrisy.

He keeps these traits throughout the series, but he also develops ones on the opposite side of the axes. Stealing the Shadar Logoth dagger is the catalyst for Mat's development from 'harmless, benevolent trickster' to 'dangerous, morally complicated trickster'. It literally overwrites first his personality, and then his memories. While he gets the personality back- sort of- he never gets the memories back, and his quest to do so sets him on the rest of his path.

By the end of the series, Mat has undergone enormous trauma and developed a much stronger sense of self-preservation. He becomes a canny and multi-talented figure, a brilliant tactician and strategist, a dangerous enemy to have. He's most selfish and cruel when under the influence of the Shadar Logoth dagger, but it turns out he's also never been in the rescuing business for free, he wants to be needed and will get a little pissy if he isn't (although to his credit, he respects people's wishes if they say they don't want to be saved from themselves.)

His greed for adventure and shiny things was what got him into trouble with the dagger, and he never quite loses his appraiser's eye (or taste) for luxury goods. And Tuon is entirely right to name him 'Devastation' or 'Ruin'; he's constantly blowing things up, killing enormous amounts of people directly or by proxy, and while everyone in this series commits war crimes, he's got the dubious honor of having another character (Teslyn) actually say to his face, "You know you just did a war crime, right?"

Mat spends the early books- when he's in good enough health to do so, and has the opportunity- pursuing women, wine, and song, and I mention them all together because that's the vibe he's going for. Mat genuinely loves flirting and dancing for their own sake, as fun things to do with receptive people, and that extends to sexual activities as well. It's a joyful, generous, playful way of interacting, and Mat's joie de vivre seems to attract people with similar attitudes.

Yes, Mat sometimes puts his foot in his mouth, but he's not actually disrespectful of anyone else's agency, so he's doing better than the rest of the Two Rivers boys. He doesn't make assumptions about whether there will be a next interaction or not, or how far each interaction will go; each step is negotiated with input from both players, which makes it a kind of game. Mat doesn't have long-term relationships with these fun, playful people, but he's not looking for that, and neither are they.

The other kind of people Mat is attracted to are what I'll call 'dagger people', who are sharp (smart, competent, possibly literally an edged weapon), powerful, and existentially dangerous. It is *possible* that Mat might have acquired this taste without the Shadar Logoth dagger's influence. He likes battles, he likes adventure, he generally treats women as respected equals, he might have gotten to 'date a woman who can kick your ass' all on his own. But Mat loved that Shadar Logoth dagger, they had a whole entire fucked-up relationship, and when they broke up he got a bunch of rebound knives and also some sharp, powerful, and existentially dangerous people's memories shoved into his head. Like calls to like, blood feeds blood, etc.

And boy, does Mat find these ladies, or more accurately, boy, do these ladies find him. Case in point: Melindhra, the sexy darkfriend Maiden of the Spear. I think Aludra partially fits, too- sharp, confident if not powerful, dangerous (though not so much to him as like... the world.) Mat isn't pursuing or attracted to either Joline or Tylin, but they also fit this description, and they definitely pursued him. (I'd love to add Lanfear to the list of 'dangerous ladies who made passes at Mat' but I can't quite do it with a straight face.) I don't think Mat's thing for dagger people really reaches its full flower until he starts getting to know Tuon, though.

Mat spends much of the series looking for both his types, and tends to find either one or the other, but not both in one person- until Tuon. Like Mat, Tuon is actually both these types in a sometimes uneasy coexistence. For all their many differences, they think about each other much the same way. They both find each other very layered and confusing, but also are surprisingly quick to trust each other, which is striking in people who are very suspicious, in a fraught situation, and on opposite sides. I think most of the reason they trust each other is because they have the same very contractual personal honor system, where 'my word is my bond'. That's a trickster thing; tricksters have to keep some kind of rules, or how else will they play games and know whether they've won or lost? But their rules can be hidden or idiosyncratic (that's the z-axis, comprehensibility) as you see in 'bargains with the fae'-type situations. Personal honor is also a feature of royalty, though, where the personal and political are bound together, and a person's promises can be treated as legal contracts, as well as honor-based societies in general.

Mat and Tuon take their promises to each other very seriously, but are also always both looking for loopholes so they can get the upper hand. They also are both following the script of prophecy, which I mention because they both devote a lot of time to subverting their own expectations about how exactly that prophecy is going to play out. Mat buckles down and says “I’m going to make this come out in my favor somehow, even though it’s not what I wanted,” yet he’s still surprised at how and when Tuon completes the marriage ceremony; Tuon does not find Mat anything like she expected, and she also is surprised at her own feelings for him. Near the end of the series, they take a break from playing tricks and mind games on each other, and instead bluff everyone else on the battlefield, tag-teaming their trickster powers for one last surprise attack.

Ok, so how is Tuon Mat’s first type, playful, joyful, and generous? She loves playing games with Mat, both actual literal games like stones, but also their weird flirting/power plays. She's super competitive, because anyone who wasn't who was in her shoes would be dead, but she's a good sport, "satisfied when she wins and determined when she loses". She's also got "mischievous" smiles, and turns the tables on Mat in a super trickster-y way, writing the letter that puts everyone in the circus under her protection except for Mat and his crew; which means he and his coterie are still 'not safe' and thus he has to keep travelling with her rather than bringing her back to Ebou Dar right away, by the terms of their promise.

Mat gives us really lovely descriptions of her in moments of joy, and one of the first things we learn about her is that her genuine smile makes her look completely different from the normal Resting Bitch Face she affects for self-preservation reasons. She's generous in the sense that she's (often) willing to consider other points of view and give people second chances, when others in her position wouldn't and don't. She has the generosity of privilege, which I admit is not the most laudable form of generosity, but it's still a form of generosity. She also has a natural compassion and merciful impulses that have been trimmed and hemmed and twisted into only the forms her society deems socially acceptable, but they're still there.

I have less of a job to do proving that Tuon is a 'dagger person'. You remember how I joked about 'sharp' meaning 'literally an edged weapon'? Well, I don't know how else I'm supposed to interpret "Tuon’s right hand swept across, bladed like an axe, and struck [the footpad's] throat so hard that he heard the cartilage cracking". SHE'S LITERALLY A WEAPON. MAT HAS FINALLY FOUND A REPLACEMENT FOR HIS SEXY EVIL KNIFE. :') She's also super smart, super canny, and a snappy dresser to boot. She's one of the most powerful women in the world, and by the end of the series Mat is absolutely into it. (The bit where he's like "She's so good at giving orders! *heart eyes*" is simultaneously hilarious and alarming. I get it- I simp for Kuvira from Legend of Korra, I can't throw stones at anyone who’s like ‘hot evil Empress, please step on me’- but there's a time and a place, Mat.)

And, of course, she's an existential threat to the world, Mat's family and friends, and (theoretically) Mat himself. The Seanchan Empire, despite not being bigoted towards the Tinkers and having pretty good gender equality, is committing massive human rights violations left and right, thanks to the slavery, channelerphobia, and imperialism. As a tool of the Empire, unless he works on extricating himself, Mat's going to be culpable for that (he already is, really, but it could be worse), which is a stain on his soul that I don't think either he or the readers want. Being a tool of the Empire is an existential threat to Mat's idea of himself as an independent agent and good person, and I guess also an existential threat to his life since he's getting all those assassination attempts from his coworkers. (I am excluding Tuon from the assassination attempts; as I've mentioned in a previous essay, her threats to Mat are not serious and are in fact a form of deranged flirting.)

Tuon and Mat are both dual-axis tricksters, in their way. Tuon- or I should really be saying, Fortuona, Lady Luck- is more on the bringing order to chaos side, and Mat falls most characteristically on the bringing chaos to order end of things. But they switch roles- Mat shores up the proper order of things when he reminds Tuon to keep her promises, and Tuon is often a chaotic influence at court, with her mercy or willingness to change her mind. They also both understand what it's like to be both a person and an archetype- Mat worries about losing his individual choice and freedom by becoming a hero, and Tuon worries about becoming too vulnerable and individual to be the strong and impartial hand she thinks the Empire needs.

They've also both experienced their instincts and worldview being overwritten by external forces; for Tuon it's been happening since birth and she's almost entirely embraced the process; for Mat, it was the consequence of a choice he made and he fought it every step of the way. They have very different responses, but they've experienced weirdly similar 'erasure' experiences. And they both have good and evil impulses entwined in complicated ways. Tuon is a survivor and a monster; a preserver and a destroyer; a person and an empire. And Mat builds a relationship with her when- and because- he accepts that he is both a lover and a fighter; generous and thieving; a person and a weapon. You may not like it, but this is what peak narrative compatibility looks like.

#wheel of time #wheel of time meta #meta #mat cauthon #tuon paendrag #mat/tuon #problematic fave tuon #trickster #tricksters #'I had more thoughts on my one-line joke so here is a follow-up essay' should be inscribed on my tombstone #it's about the ARCHETYPAL DEPTH #RJ gave me a 7-layer-dip of mutually reinforcing thematic parallels and my poor little 14-year-old literary tastebuds never recovered #mat/dagger

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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eclecticash22 · 3 years

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🔮 November Month Ahead Reading 🃏

Take a moment to breathe. Take three deep breaths, and look over each pile. Which one do you keep going back to? Follow your intuition and choose the one you are most drawn to.

Pile 1 - Mrs. White

Hello Pile One! So immediately I'm getting that this month is a good time to open up and pay attention to the things that have been trying to get your attention. I do feel like there are things you haven't noticed that now need you to see them.

This month I see you going through a transition and engaging in self growth. I see you being more confident in your abilities and really feeling on top of things. I see you feeling relief this month as well, like things are balancing out. There is also a message here of balance, so I feel things will straighten out and calm down, leading you to feel balanced. Again, there is a message to pay attention to what needs your attention. Try to focus on what is important this month. Touching back on that self growth message, allow yourself to let go of things that no longer serve you and the things that hurt you. We cannot dwell forever, we must move forward. And for many of you, now is the time to let yourself move forward.

Charms: I see that self growth message again. Face your emotions and face what has been bothering you. It isn't easy, but it is worth it to heal. Also, take time out this month to have fun. Find a new hobby, have a movie night and eat your favorite snacks, go out and have fun (if it is safe to do so and as long as you're being safe). Whatever it is, have fun.

Runes: You are coming into abundance this month! There are also new beginnings and prosperity coming forth, as well as change.

Important Numbers: 5, 2, 17, 10, 12, 21

Important Letters: N, K, Q, M, F, W, W, Z, N, U

Shufflemancy Songs: Maniac by Conan Gray | Two Young Hearts by Sabrina Carpenter | Joanne by Lady Gaga | S.O.S. by Rihanna

Pile 2 - Mr. Green

Hello Pile 2! This month you may be feeling a bit more confident and you may be setting clearer boundaries. You may also be communicating more clearly with others this month. On top of this, you may be feeling very emotional this month. You may feel things very strongly this month, but want to shut those emotions down and ignore them. But that is not the path to take, pile two. Instead, face your emotions head on. It may not be comfortable, but you can do it. This month, I also see an end to a cycle for you, but a new one beginning soon after. You may be getting a job you wanted or a promotion, or you may be getting into a new relationship or moving to a next level in a current romantic relationship. Whatever this is, pay attention to how you're feeling. Address how you're feeling and allow yourself to take a break, talk things out, etc. Finally, pile two, I am seeing that this month you should allow your beauty to shine. You are an incredible human being and you are so beautiful and worthy of goodness. Allow your light to shine this month.

Charms: Immediately what is standing out to me here is communication. With your cards it is hinted at as well. Communicate your needs and desires this month, pile 2. This could also be a message that someone may be communicating with you or reaching out to you this month. Bottled up emotions may end up spilling, and this could have something to do with the communication message. There is commitment here- this may be a specific message for a handful of people, but some of you may be getting engaged/married this month. For others, this could indicate you entering into a committed relationship. Take time to relax this month. Face your emotions. Look at the bright side of things.

Runes: Prosperity. Something is being left up to fate. Joy. Romance.

Important Numbers: 7, 11, 10, 15, 13, 22

Important Letters: A, B, G, Q, M, B, S, V, I, Q

Shufflemancy Songs: Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears | Mustang Kids by Zella Day | Kiss the Girl (cover) by Ashley Tisdale | You're My Best Friend by Queen

Pile 3 - Miss Scarlet

Hello Pile Three! I see that November is a good month to work towards what you want in life. You have the skills, you have the tools, and you are ready to work towards what you want. This will require you to work through self healing and to release things that no longer serve you. Do not hold onto negative emotions, but rather work through them and release them. It isn't always easy or comfortable, but it is needed in order for us to grow. This is necessary in order for you to progress towards what you want in life. This month I also see you finding something you really love. Whether this be a sense of independence, a new relationship, a new friendship, a new job, a new hobby, etc. Finally, pile three, I see this month is a good one to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. But choose your battles wisely. Avoid petty arguments, but continue to stand up for what you believe. Take initiative.

Charms: Let go of the past. You are strong and protected; your guides and angels are with you. Try not to be super stubborn or hard headed. Know your worth and know you're amazing. Something is unfolding in your life. Don't allow others to disturb your inner peace.

Runes: Success. Support. You are protected by your angels. Conflict. Adversity. Positive Outcome. Satisfaction. Awareness.

Important Numbers: 20, 27, 28, 20, 22, 28

Important Letters: X, E, J, X, K, V, G, D, O, K

Shufflemancy Songs: Save My Soul by JoJo | Love Me Two Times by The Doors | All We Have is Love by Sabrina Carpenter | Eh, Eh by Lady Gaga

Pile 4 - Colonel Mustard

Hello Pile Four! I'm seeing a lot of defensive energy for this month. Remember, stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Don't let others run over you. But choose battles wisely and try to remain calm. There is an energy here about looking back on things from the past. The message here is to allow yourself to move on from your past. Let go of what doesn't serve you and allow yourself to let go of negative and toxic energies. Find balance in your life, and don't allow others to disturb the balance you have. Things are going to be just fine. Believe in that and know that better things are coming your way. I see you may be undergoing some sort of transformation this month. Be flexible and adaptable. This month may also be am important one to let your friends and/or partner know how much they mean to you. This may also be a good month to make the first move if you find yourself crushing on someone.

Charms: Nurture yourself. Let go of negative attachments. Know you control your life and how you feel. New beginnings. Give love and be persistent in order to reach your goals.

Runes: Gifts. Skills. Prosperity. Disruption. Sudden Loss. Something is being left up to fate.

Important Numbers: 6, 14, 16, 13, 22, 9

Important Letters: B, U, W, Z, F, Q, U, J, Q, M

Shufflemancy Songs: The Way You Make Me Feel by Micheal Jackson | Hollaback Girl by Gwen Steffani | One by Lewis Capaldi | You Deserve Better by James Arthur

Pile 5 - Mrs. Peacock

Hello Pile Five! This month I see you feeling very in control of things. You're feeling driven and determined. You're using clear thought and focus to make decisions. This will lead you to success. You may have been feeling down or rough lately. Like maybe things are just going wrong, but I see you getting back up and continuing to work hard towards your goals. Keep going after what you want and do what makes you happy. Find inspiration and use that to stay determined. There is a message here to keep going! You are capable of creating the life you want and reaching the goals you have. Stay focused, pile five! Do not allow self doubt or a false self image being you down. You are worthy of greatness and you are capable of greatness. You are incredible and amazing and you can do whatever you set out to do. Don't forget it, friend!

Charms: Know you are loved. Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Nurture your inner child. You control how you feel and you control your life. Be careful. Think positively. Listen to some feel good music.

Runes: Renewal. Dreams. Success. Shield. Support. Passion. Vitality. Courage. Instinct.

Important Numbers: 13, 10, 12, 14, 5, 26

Important Letters: X, L, A, L, B, N, C, I, F, F

Shufflemancy Songs: Father by Demi Lovato | Why by Sabrina Carpenter | Detroit Rock City by KISS | Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

Pile 6 - Professor Plum

Hello Pile Six! This month, I see you moving forward. Moving forward past a situation that has left you feeling stuck, regretful, or sad. Things are falling into place for you to move forward and continue on to achieving goals. Remember, do not dwell on the past. It has already happened, and we can't change it. What we can do is fix it or choose to let it go. I do see you moving forward to a better place. There is a lot of energy here about moving on to something better. There is also energy here of success. Approach things with fearlessness (but still be careful and use your sense). Don't be afraid to try new things or go after what you want in life. Stay determined and don't allow others to disturb your peace. You are on the right path. Know that life is an unknown journey that we must go down. The unknown may be a bit frightening at times, we must approach it with bravery. Find your inner peace.

Charms: Knowledge and learning. Moving forward. Friendships. Seeing something you didn't see before. Something being revealed to you. Adventure. Curiosity. Picking something. Choices. Overcoming obstacles. Good things happening in life. Success.

Runes: Leadership. Truth. Wisdom. Confrontation. Turning Point. Death (metaphorical). Wealth. Prosperity.

Important Numbers: 17, 14, 19, 24, 15, 24

Important Letters: P, G, Y, X, P, I, R, T, Q, Z

Shufflemancy Songs: Bad Guy by Billie Eilish | Tough Lover by Christina Aguilera | Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna | Bad Liar by Selena Gomez

*** All Groups ***

Thank you so much for your time today! I hope you have such a wonderful day and an incredible month ahead ❤❤❤

*This reading is for the collective. If it resonates- awesome! If it doesn't resonate- that is okay. Take what does resonate and/or pick another pile.

* This reading is for entertainment purposes. This can not tell you are exact future. I am also not responsible for any decisions you choose to make. Any and all decisions you make are 100% your own.

#pickacard #pick a card #tarot #pick a card reading #divination #tarot reading #pick-a-card #free readings #pick-a-card reading #tarot cards #month ahead pick a card #november month ahead reading #pick a pile reading #tarot pick a pile #pick a pile

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horrormaestro-aaaaaa · 3 years

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jack tor.ran.ce was not a perfect man. let me preface with that. anyone who knows me knows i will never shut up about this and i’m thinking now is the time to finally sit down and write this. i think it needs to explained in the rpc the difference between what sort of flawed man ku.bri.ck’s adaptation gave us versus the originally characterized novel version.

the jack who seemed to be annoyed by his wife and son simply existing was a choice by ku.bric.k. the 1980 adaptation showed us an alcoholic who had been abusive physically and verbally to his son. a man who had zero problem belittling his wife at any opportunity. it showed a man who cared more for writing than giving a single shit about his family. it did not show any sort of attachment stemming from the hotel’s immense infestation. it suggested that all the spirits needed to do was push him closer and closer to violent thoughts that were already there and cabin fever didn’t do much to help that. he was never possessed. he had the influence of the spirits , but did not undergo the full possession.

the novel showed an equally flawed man in the fact he is an alcoholic who physically and verbally hurt his son. but he also regret it and saw his father coming through in his own parenting at that point. it showed a man who lost his job after being physically violent with a child he was supposed to be teaching. at his alcoholism’s worst , wen.dy was ready to leave him. truth be told neither of them were ready for a child but they had dann.y anyway. in an effort to better himself and them , after he was fired , he got the job at the hotel. this was supposed to save his family. but it’s implied he has abilities like da.nny as well. the ov.erl.ook was the worst place he and da.nny could’ve gone.

but we see the hotel’s infestation. dick warns da.nny , da.nny sees it on the tour but also sees his parents happy together and doesn’t want to bother them. the spirits torture jack with his alcoholism , his childhood trauma , his past , becoming his own father , etc. the infestation turns to attachment , which turns to full possession when he tries to kill them with the roque mallet. he is possessed. the spirits control his body until da.nny gets him back. jack tells him to run and reminds him to remember he loves da.nny. the boiler was fucked and when the spirits take control again , he’s chased them down to the boiler room. while we.ndy , da.nny , and dick get out safely and he’s in the boiler room when it explodes. he knew that it was unstable and he sacrificed himself to save his family.

i also want to point out that the film seems to punch in this idea that alcoholics are irredeemable. which is false. aa exists for a reason. in the novels we know that jack was in aa because dan as an adult , getting to the point his father did in sobriety , was massive. it’s an accomplishment. alcoholism and other forms of addiction are illness. and you can heal from that , you can better yourself and those around you. the stereotype that every alcoholic is and always will be that way is harmful. it leads to the thought of every addict in general being a lost cause. that’s not true.

my point here is that there’s a distinction in media. both are valid , it just depends on your preference. but please , please , please do not say you’re book based while perpetuating every aspect of the 1980 film that spun a narrative kub.ri.ck took the liberty of pulling out of his ass. it’s hard out here in the book based sk fandom to make people realize your portrayal of x , y , or z character. watching a film is less time consuming and more fun than reading a book , i get it. but please be aware of this.

once more , i want to state that this post is not saying enjoying one form over the other is bad. it’s not saying one is superior. it’s just to let those of you unaware of the books understand the difference.

do not reblog this post , personals dni.

#/ i am on my soapbox but this is just very important #𝐨𝐨𝐜. 𝙷𝙾𝚁𝚁𝙾𝚁𝙼𝙰𝙴𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙾 … ﹕ rae says.#alcoholism tw #addiction tw #abuse tw #death tw

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afictionaladventure16 · 4 years

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Remember Me (Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff x Daughter!Reader)

Chapter 9

Remember Me Masterlist

Previously on Remember Me...

Warnings: mentions of abuse.

Word Count: 1,759

Walking into your small room in the apartment you shared with Roger, you sat down on the soft bed. Wincing at the softness, it was not something you were used to, you had begun to grow accustomed to it before you were sent back to base. Now it just feels as if you were starting all over again. Having to learn how to love a soft bed, a warm meal, and a routine that didn’t include torture.

You looked at your hands, you allowed the light blue glow to form from your hands, it made your hands feel warm. The power you were forced to learn how to control within the span of two weeks. Electrokinesis. You feared what your powers were capable of, you still didn’t know the full potential of their abilities. Every time you went into training back in the Hydra base you were surprised with a new ability your powers had. One of them being, the ability to have electrical sparks form from your hands. But all that mattered to Zemo was that you could control it, so he could get you back out here to continue on with his plan.

“Knock knock.” You looked over at your door to see Roger giving you a concerned expression before clearing his throat. “You ready for practice?”

You glanced back over to your hands, the glow was no longer there, it happened whenever you had gotten spooked. “I don’t think I should go,” you softly said, your eyes still focused on your hands, where the light blue glow was coming from.

“You kind of have to, hon.” You gave Roger a glance for the term of endearment he had just given you, unsure if he was just playing a role or if he actually meant it. “We’re already behind, you can’t miss another session.” Roger let out a soft sigh. “Plus, I already informed your instructor that you would be attending today.”

“You did?” You asked.

Roger gave you a small nod. “Be ready in ten minutes?”

You let out a sigh, knowing now that you had no choice. You never have had a choice. “Yeah.” Roger smiled at you before leaving you to your privacy.

You did not want to go to your training, mostly because you were afraid that you would forget to control your powers and hurt Bucky. Bucky. You still could not figure out why he seemed so familiar to you. Natasha as well. There is something about them that you just can’t put your finger on it.

You knew them from somewhere.

“Hey, kid!” Bucky exclaimed as he saw you walk into the building. “Is it safe?” You gave him a confused expression as he slowly walked closer to you. Your heart quickened, your mind raced around your thoughts. Did he figure you out? “Is it safe to be around you or are you still contagious with that bug?” You quickly understood what he was talking about, you burst in a fit of laughter.

“I’m not contagious, I can assure you that.”

Bucky smiled, playfully scruffing up your hair. “I know, plus, I’m a super soldier, remember? I can’t get sick.” You rolled your eyes at Bucky as you followed him to the training room. “Sure did miss you while you were gone though.”

“Wow, we’ve only been training for what? A month? And you already miss me when I’m gone for two weeks?” You teased.

Bucky chuckled. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s get on with our training shall we?” You chuckled as he tried to play it off. “Let’s start with some stretches as always.”

“Alright, stretches!” You cleared your throat before looking over at Bucky, “How do you do those again?”

Bucky laughed but it soon disappeared when he saw you standing there with a serious look, “You can’t be serious.”

You chuckled. “I’m just messing with you!” Bucky let out a relieved sigh as he led you both into some stretches to begin your training for the day.

Bucky was examining your stance, he gently fixed your fists and adjusted the way your feet were facing. “I’m starting to think that you did forget what I taught you,” he said softly.

You rolled your eyes. “Just a little rusty ‘s all.” Bucky turned around, his back facing you. You glanced at your fists, worried that the glow will start. Letting out a deep breath, you shook the thoughts away. “Control,” you whispered to yourself.

“Hm?” Bucky hummed as he turned back around to face you.

“N-nothing,” you gave him a small smile.

Bucky raised his eyebrows at you before standing in front of you, he lifted his palms. “Let’s test those punches shall we?”

You smirked. “You sure about this, Barnes?”

The sound of your voice, the tone, the texture of your talk, it was all Natasha. That’s what Bucky thought. You sounded and acted just like Natasha and it reminded him of what could’ve been. “Maybe you should use a glove?” Your voice brought him back to reality.

Bucky cleared his throat, shaking the thought out of his head before letting out a small chuckle. “I’m sure, J.J.”

“You asked for it,” you whispered before throwing a couple of good punches to Bucky palms. Bucky eyes widen at your sudden burst of energy, quickly defending himself.

“Alright!” Bucky exclaimed as he placed his palms down, shaking them out. “You sure you need classes for self-defense?”

“I told you to use a glove,” you said. Bucky grumbled to himself as he walked over to his water bottle that was placed at the edge of the mat, taking a small swig before setting it back down.

“You remind me of someone,” he said softly. He walked back over to you. “We’re going to try the heel palm strike,” he stated as he began to fix your stance. “This move is typically used to damage the nose and throat and in order to do so you’re going to need to get in front of your attacker, in this case, me, as much as possible.” Bucky cleared his throat, “alright, I want you to flex your wrist with your dominant hand.” he began to demonstrate.

“Who do I remind you of?” You asked as you did what Bucky asked you to do.

“Now I want you to aim for my nose,” Bucky said as gestured for you to move your hand forward. You moved your hand forward, barely touching Bucky’s nose before recoiling it back quickly. “Perfect recoil!” Bucky exclaimed. He let out a sigh, “you remind me of Nat.” He looked over to the door where he could see Natasha teaching her some students.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all… if anything you remind me more of our daughter,” Bucky whispered.

“D-daughter?” You were surprised by this, of course, you have asked him if they had children but you just assumed they didn’t. Bucky gave you a small nod. You could tell by the vibe within the house that you shouldn’t ask any more questions. You let out a soft sigh, glancing towards the other room. You took notice of one of the older students, the way his stance was perfect. You could immediately tell he was holding back on his punches in order not to hurt the other students he was training with. “Do you think you could teach me some of those elbows strikes Nat is teaching those kids out there?” Bucky perked up at your request. “They seem pretty cool.”

Bucky chuckled. “Sure, kiddo.”

“Z is on the phone,” Roger said as soon as you walked into the apartment.

“Well, hello to you too.” You placed your keys on the counter.

“He doesn’t sound too happy.”

“Neither do you,” You walked over to the burner phone that Roger had placed on the coffee table. You turned off the mute button and placed the phone to your ear. “Zemo.”

“I hope your class session was a success today.”

“It was.” You glanced over at Roger, his eyes diverted to the windows that outlooked the city. “Is that why you’re calling?”

“No, I’m calling because I’m hoping you could give me a name.”

“A name?” Your heart began to race, how could he be asking for a name so soon? You hadn’t even met any of the other students? You were still trying to catch up, especially with the setback.

“Of a student from the class,” Zemo finished.

You gulped. “I don’t know any names, just faces. It’s my first day back-”

“No need to worry, I have a list of photos of the students, I’ll be sending it over to Roger and you just pick the photo and send it to me.”

“Y-yes, sir.” Zemo didn’t say anything else. You closed the phone and handed it to Roger. Roger stayed quiet as he walked over to the kitchen counter with the burner phone in hand. He grabbed the hammer that was in a drawer and used it to smash the phone. “I need to see your laptop.”

“Of course you do,” Roger mumbled.

“Something wrong?” You asked. You watched as Roger discarded the remains of the phone, he remained quiet as he placed his palms on the kitchen counter and took a deep breath. The thoughts that roamed Rogers's mind were killing him. He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t risk telling you the information he had, he still didn’t trust you enough. He cares for you, that is obvious, but your mind is still so fragile. Roger was unsure of your position, unsure if you would believe him.

What would he do if he were to tell you? Runaway? No. Roger knew that was even riskier. Zemo was smarter than he was before.

“Is it the mission?” You quietly asked.

Roger sighed. “I’m just…” He looked over at you, your piercing blue eyes that looked so much like your fathers. It pained him to think about the parents that were only blocks away, missing their daughter, while she stood in front of him. Without a clue as to who her parents were.

“Just?” You repeat, tilting your head slightly to the side.

He let out a deep breath before giving you a small smile. “Just stressed about my next mission that Zemo just assigned to me.”

You gave him a small nod. “Zemo sure is eager to move onto the next mission.”

Roger nodded. “He sure is,” Roger cleared his throat. “Let me go get you that laptop,” he said. Roger then left the room, ache in his heart, you believed every word that came out of his mouth. That’s how much damage you’ve endured.

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thesummerstorms · 4 years

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Rev Recaps Hard Contact (Chapter 9)

CW: idk if “emotional abuse” is the right term here, but I can’t think of the more appropriate one.

TL:DR Recap: Etain is having a hard time dealing with her sudden promotion to officer, so Jinart chews her out. Darman, on the other hand, does his best to reassure Etain, and they start to develop a plan together. Eventually, they leave Birhan’s farm. Omega gets nervous when Hokan’s people start burning more fields, but eventually meet up with Jinart. Hokan plays games badly.

This post is super long, even compared to the other recaps, because I have to deal with Jinart’s bullshit.

Beginning Kal Count: 13 Ending Kal Count: 18

We open with a quote from Ki Adi Mundi that reinforces Traviss’s position about the unfairness of the clones lot, but most of you already agree with that, so we’re not going to waste time with that now.

Darman has pinned Jinart to the wall with a blaster to her head. Etain is horrified and tells him to let up. (Etain’s feelings about Jinart seem to go back and forth. Mine do not.) But Dar doesn’t let Jinart go until Etain mistakenly tells him that Jinart is a Jedi. (Because Jinart has Force-like telepathy abilities but still has refused to give Etain another explanation, if you’ve forgotten.)

Jinart insists she’s not a Jedi again, then asks Dar if he would be willing to shoot an old woman. When he insists that soldiers can look like anybody, Jinart praises him and tells Etain to follow his lead, despite the fact that just last chapter she was chewing Etain out for being too suspicious.

I fully admit that a large part of my dislike of Jinart stems from her treatment of Etain, but she also comes across a lot as an authorial authority in support of ruthless pragmatism, and I find it unsettling. It’s not necessarily that’s she’s wrong in this case, so much as that this viewpoint seems unfairly weighted over time.

Jinart revels that Omega is alive and safe for the moment, which has Darman anxious to rejoin them. As she stares at Darman, we get this weird little aside from Jinart:

Again, there’s not any real reason to think that non-Mandalorians, much less non-Mandalorian shape shifters on a backwater world like Qiilura, ever had much reason to know what Jango Fett looked like before his clones descended on the galaxy. So I genuinely want to know when Jinart might have encountered Fett before. It isn’t a question that will ever be answered, of course.

Jinart finally decides to reveal that she’s a shapeshifter after refusing to tell Etain anything for the last several chapters. Etain is frightened and ready to fight, but Dar is delighted because he’s seen gurlanin before and think’s she’s Valaqil. Even after she explains she’s Valaqil’s “consort” he’s intrigued, and Jinart finally explains to Etain that she’s a telepath, but primarily among her own species. Any time she’s been “transmitting” to Etain or Dar, she’s been shapeshifted as an inconspicuous object nearby. She also starts giving them a tactical update, and explains that she and Valaqil can act as a rudimentary comlink between the Republic and Omega.

Again, the only reason I can think of for Jinart to reveal any of this now that Darman’s here if she was unwilling to loop Etain in earlier is that Darman already knows about the gurlanin. But Etain is still out of her depth and not sure whether any of this information can be taken at face value now.

“His” in this scene is Hokan. Again, Etain implies that Fulier was kind to her, which is as close as she gets in this book to the kind of emotional reminiscing Omega has for Kal, but believes that she ultimately disappointed him- and that makes her worthless as a Jedi.

After all the status updates and Jinart’s warnings about the locals and Hokan, Darman turns to Etain, expecting the direction that he’s always been taught that the Jedi will effortlessly provide. Except Etain is still caught up in her sense of uselessness, and kind of... implodes instead.

Again, is it a useful or practical reaction? No. But is it one I can relate to? Yeah, by a lot. Especially when it’s called out as the extensive culmination of years worth of dismissal by the Jedi and months of hunger/danger/paranoia. Notice how Etain immediately regrets it though -- and adds it to her list of failures.

Darman is upset, which again, is perfectly reasonable in the situation. He doesn’t call Etain out on it, and he acquiesces to her “order”, but Etain can tell he feels disillusioned/”forlorn”. Jinart kicks him out so that she can yell at Etain, and we get to the scene that makes me both hurt and rage.

Okay, it feels like Jinart is taking out both the galaxy’s predilection with Jedi and Omega’s social conditioning to obey Jedi out on Etain, but the line “that soldier may think a Jedi’s word is a divine pronouncement, but I don’t.” That would make sense for Jinart to say if Etain was trying to use her newfound authority in an injurious way or was puffed up with self importance, but literally everything objectionable Etain has done so far has been to reject her own worthiness of that authority?

Also:

I’ve seen people before who read RepComm but didn’t care for it scoff at how quickly Etain falls for Kal’s manipulation. But besides the fact that she’ll come to love Dar and Kal is important to Darman, this is why she’s ultimately so easy to manipulate. She desperately wants the purpose that the Jedi raised her with the promise of, but also she’s had literal years of being rejected/feeling worthless. Kal is good at manipulating people’s need for affection/belonging/purpose. He’s just somewhat kinder about it when he does it to Bardan and Besany, at least at a very surface level.

then... then we get to this.

Look, I get that Etain’s personal psychological troubles are not useful to Jinart right now, and that yes, they’re probably an impediment to the mission. I’m not saying that Etain doesn’t need a conversation to shift her focus.

But Jinart literally saying that Etain is so worthless that Jinart would murder her if it woudn’t go against Darman’s social conditioning, a conversation that literally leaves Etain falling to her knees in the middle of a break down... not only is it unfair (yes, whatever “life isn’t fair” saying people. shut up.) it’s also demonstrably counter productive.

Imagine if Jinart had just like... been up front with Etain. Or tried to talk to her rationally about the fact that yes, it’s unfair what she’s been through but they still have the job to do and x, y, and z are the specific ways Etain needs to contribute. Instead Jinart just does her best to verbally destroy Etain, which doesn’t achieve anything, and moves on.

Darman pops back in only seconds later, and I kind of wonder if he was listening to the conversation. If he was, I’m sure it’s unsettling given he was raised to believe the Jedi were infallible. But he also does a remarkable job of showing her the compassion that Jinart won’t in this, scene, and I wonder if anything he might have overheard plays into that.

He’s doing a balancing act, and in all fairness, this has to be awkward as hell, confusing, even painful for Dar. Etain really isn’t the officer he needs right now. But he still opens with “are you okay?”. And when she clearly isn’t ready to have that conversation, he tries to deflect the conversation to something useful. When he eventually gives up and goes silent, it’s Etain signal that she’s gone too far and she’s acting like an ass. So she tries. She apologizes, and she tries to move on, for his sake if not hers.

“He was the only person in many years who had shown any degree of confidence in her, and the first since Master Fulier who had shown her real kindness.”

Etain is desperate for not even real affection or love, though she’s badly starved for those things too, but just simply casual kindness. And the line about confidence gives me all sorts of questions- I am going to have to sit down at some point and figure out how much of that I think is really, truly Kast Fulier not believing in her as his Padawan, and how much is Etain’s own psychology and bias interpreting things in the least favorable manner to herself possible. But for the moment, all that matters is that it shows exactly why what Jinart just did was useless.

Because Etain doesn’t start to respond until Darman tries to treat her, at a bare minimum, with respect and a belief in her potential. And once he does that.... she decides to do the best she can in that moment to be the thing that he needs her to be. First by apologizing for her lack of control/ the way she’s hurt him unfairly, and then by acknowledging her faults and his superior knowledge while still tacitly agreeing to help him on the mission.

Which is the thing that Jinart wanted in the first place, right?

Dar shows more compassion and understanding towards Etain from the get go than she gets from pretty much any other character in the entire series, if we’re being honest.

We break for a moment from that scene to Niner and Atin discussing dinner, but really there’s nothing super important to recap for most of that page. Omega starts talking about their Sergeants, and Niner is singing Kal’s praises. Kal count raises to 14.

It’s a lot of praise for someone not yet a character. And then --

I’m gonna count that as a separate mention, even though they’re close together, so the Kal Count is now at 15.

Anyway Niner wakes up slightly when Omega realizes the Separatists are burning the fields in an effort to drive out Darman. There’s not much to say about it honest, because it gets little page time as compared to Kal. We do get a nice peek at Atin slowly integrating into the squad -- “he didn’t want to show dissent any longer”-- but it’s fleeting, and then we’re back to Dar and Etain.

Darman and Etain are using her holomap to go over the intel on Separatist positions and using crusts of stale bread and drawing in the dirt to make a map. It’s exposition that’s not too important to characterization, so I won’t bother recapping it, but Darman does mention when Etain asks why they’re drawing in the dirt rather than on the holo that Kal taught him to do it that way because tactile is better or whatever. Which raises the Kal Count to 16.

Jinart inserts herself again to warn them about the fields/farms being burned to flush them out and warns them that they have to run. Darman says he can’t go with out his gear. Jinart throws disguises at them. Dar’s going to have a hard time blending in, but Etain fits in with the “undernourished” locals. Jinart overrides Dar’s objections: no, you can’t go straight to the RV zone, find a safe house off this USB drive I’m giving you instead.

Again, I actually do love that Etain is clearly observing him intensely, but while in another time in place everything she points out might be a sign of attraction, here it’s explicitly her being afraid that he looks too well fed to blend in.

Jinart makes her take out her Padawan braid, which Etain objects to but does, and again, it’s a small but good characterization thing:

She and Dar take off, but Etain is still putting herself down in front of him.

Listen, I’m sure someone somewhere is going to argue that it isn’t Dar’s job to emotionally reassure Etain here, but that’s the situation they’re in, for better or worse, and he does a pretty good job of it, even to the subtlety of calling her “commander” there.

We very, very briefly jump to Hokan, and honestly the only thing worth noting is how terrible a manager he is:

Underling: *makes a good suggestion* Hokan: I should punish him for back talking me, even though I admit that he’s right! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Finally, we get to Niner. Jinart has found Omega, and they almost shoot her until they recognize her as a gurlanin. She gets them caught up to speed, and we get this kind of sweet, kind of heartbreaking moment from Niner, whose biggest character strength AND flaw is honestly his loyalty:

Jinart explains they’re headed for the wrong target. Fi is sarcastic but cheerful.

Oh, fuck you, Jinart.

Jinart notes that the commandos have lost a lot of weight, and Fi confirms they’re burning more calories than planned. Jinart offers to hunt them merlies as long as the squad doesn’t shoot any, arranges to deliver new rendezvous coordinates with Darman, and then starts to help Omega with what in future chapters will develop into a plan to use local mining explosives to take out the local airfield.

This chapter then FINALLY ends, which is good, because this post is huge and I’m still pissed at Jinart

Retroactive Edit: I realized I missed another incident of Skirata-mention from Niner talking about the “mark one earhole” or whatever the fuck, when Jinart shows up and then a second one about how not even Kal would have known how to deal with Gurlanins, so the Kal Count was updated to 18.

#Republic Commando #Rev Recaps RepComm #Hard Contact #Jinart #Etain Tur-Mukan #Darman Skirata #Niner Skirata

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banjaro · 3 years

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Here we are again

I made this account in highschool for a girl. Well half for a girl, half for me. It was basically just a diary that I never expected anyone to see but her. But I didn’t have a diary at the time and I really needed one. I’ve been trying to keep a written diary but that is not working out so well for me, I write too slowly to keep up with how fast I’m thinking and by the time that I have the first sentence down, the next one has escaped my thoughts. So here we are again. I need a diary. I need to write how I’m feeling. If she sees this, it’s kinda whatever. I’m doing this for me. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t feel like myself. I feel.. broken. I feel like anymore I’m either sad or I feel nothing. I want to feel something. I have a therapist now, but an hour is not enough time and I don’t think that a single person ever really has a chance of understanding me when I only see them an hour a week. I’m not good at building relationships, even worse at maintaining them. Until now, it never really was an issue. I always had the opportunity to meet new people. If I didn’t like where I was at in life, I slept easily. I knew that I always had the opportunity on to the next stage of life. That’s not really the case anymore. I’m 21. I’m stagnating. I can not stay in this town my whole life In college I have the friends that I have made but they all feel so temporary. I’m scared. I’m scared that I will never have enough. I’m scared that my voracious apatite for NEW NEW NEW ( things, people, places, experiences) is becoming unsustainable. I’m not the kind of guy that sticks around for too long. It doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t stay in one place. Something is always wrong. I’m too picky. I’m too greedy. I’m too selfish. I’m always too much and not enough and I think the world revolves around me. I refuse to change. I want to change, but I wont. I have all of the opportunity to. I have boundless opportunity, but I’m pissing it away. My problem is that I want things but I don’t take into consideration the amount of work that is going to go in to get the things. Then once I have committed to the thing, but not committed to the work, I get disheartened and give up. It’s pathetic. I want everything and I have convinced myself that I want nothing. I do not see myself clearly as I am. I am not many of the things that I have convinced myself that I am. I am not everything that my mom thinks that I am. I’m easily distracted. It’s showing right now. I want to finish these thoughts but I think of somethin else and I move on. I think that’s why I don’t learn from my mistakes. I don’t finish what I start. I don’t reflect. Something else, some new thought always takes the previous one’s place and won’t let go. My mind is just wandering all the time. I need to focus. I need long term thinking. I need to change a lot. Who are you changing for? Myself? I guess? I have this ideal version of myself in my head. It’s everything that I would like to be. I think the problem with that is that I don’t ever write any of those things down. “He” changes all the time. “He” is all of the things that I want to be at that moment. He has done all of the hard work for me. I never do wish that I was the guy that was exercising and practicing mandarin. I just wish that I was hot and I knew mandarin. I think it would be neat. But then you have to ask yourself, why is it that you want those things. I think it’s because I want the approval and admiration of others. But that’s not how you get those things. Who has my approval and admiration. I don’t think anyone does. And because of that, I have no idols. I have no goals that I am shooting for. I have no path to wherever I’m trying to get. I don’t even know where that is. So I guess this exercise is only helpful if I actually get something done in. So I guess what I want to get done is to actually define what it is that I’m after. I want to know what I want. I don’t think that I’ve ever defined that. Well maybe once but it was not a perfect system. What are things that people want? Like what drives anyone? I think ultimately, it’s relationships. A connection with another human? I can tell myself that I don’t want that. And I have for a long time. “I’m a lone wolf. I don’t need anyone. I want to be able to do everything myself.” But at the end of the day I’m pretty sure that’s what is hardwired into my brain. Also at the end of the day that is one thing that I can not get from myself. I can not get any validation, love, or respect out of myself. I need that from others. I understand human relationships to be like barter systems. They make sense to me. I want something definite. I give you x, y, and z, and in return I get things like love, respect, and validation. But in my experience A) the exact thing happens where I want a thing but don’t want to put in the work to get the thing, and thus I am a shitty partner in all relationships and B) I do not have a good grasp of what exactly it is that motivates people and thus can not give them what they want. Okay great, two paragraphs musing about the fickleness of human connection. that doesn’t really help with my plan of writing down my goals. Who is this man that I want to be? What are his motivations? I think something that I admire about his is that he has no motivations. He has it figured out. He has everything that he could ever want and more and he is satisfied with it. I’m fighting the urge to end it here. I am getting distracted with other things and I have hit a point where I have to actually do critical thinking and, like a lightning bolt or a river, my brain is trying to take the path of least resistance. What do I want? I’m going to save the why for another day. If I can figure out any part of this I think that I’m going to call that a win.

* More confidence in my actions, decisions, and words

* More confidence in my body * More confidence in my ability to speak and form a connection with another human. * A more continuous and reliable narrative of my life, thoughts, and actions throughout my life. Those four already feel insurmountable. What actions can I take to bring myself close to these goals? I’m not sure. I’m going to do some research and get back to you on that. My problem is that I have to keep reexplaining to myself simple things. Probably because I don’t write down my explanations to myself. Hopefully this will help Side note: in the spirit of honesty with myself. Something in my soul is hoping that she reads this. She was always a safe place. Something that I could count on. She was a relationship that was there to stay, until I got overwhelmed with the thought of that and ran and hid before I could face the judgement. I’m not expecting a response but the same part of me that hopes she reads this is the same part that is hoping that she responds. I know that time in my life is over. I know I can’t go back. I just hope that I can find someone that gives me the same feeling that she did. And I hope that she can find that same feeling in someone else. Another big read.

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aplaceforthesoul · 4 years

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Hey loves, Im a 14 almost 15-year-old female. Sometimes I wish my mom would trust me more in a sense. Our local drugstore is about a 5-minute walk from my house. I asked her if I could walk down to pick up some photos. Its only 5:30 pm and my mom was really worried. I have a whistle, I have pepper spray. I know self-defense. I know she just wants to keep me safe but I wish she would give more freedom. I just want to walk down there but shes to worries.

I understand how frustrating this is but it’s also the case that your mum just wants to keep you safe and that really comes from a place of love. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you - it means she doesn’t trust whatever or whoever else is out there. She really means well and I can completely see it from both sides of the argument. My mum was very safety conscious of me as a teen and now as an adult, I can completely understand why.

Adults are more prone to worry about safety, where as teens mostly don’t have the ability to understand their own mortality - I don’t mean this as an insult, it just means you’re more likely to just think, “hey, I know what I’m doing. Stop babying me” and not see the threats that an adult might. I’m just trying to help you see it from your mums perspective. That being said I don’t see why you couldn’t walk to the drug store during the middle of the day.

Your mum is obviously being a little overbearing there. I think you should talk to her about it. You could ask her for more independence and tell her you will start small - like a trip to the drug store. That you’ll carry the things you need to feel safe, a phone, pepperspray or whatever else. You could even say you’ll text her when you get there? And then over time she will learn to give you more independence. But you have to see it from her perspective to get her to change her behaviour.

If you just go in and say “I’ll be fine”, it won’t calm her worries. You should say “I know you’re worried but I can be safe by doing X/Y/Z”. She’s a helicopter parent so you have to try and handle her in the right way. Listen to what she has to say - no matter how much she’s driving you crazy. Don’t argue with her, stay calm and calmly state your points, don’t become defensive - if she says no just accept it for now. You can always reapproach the situation again but keep to these behaviours and I think with time you will definitely wear her down to where you’ll be able to have some independence and you’ll slowly get more and more. I hope some of this is at least helpful to you :) best of luck.

- Bonnie

#advice #mum #parents #relationships #helicopter parents #parenting #safety #bonnie #trust #14f

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owlespresso · 5 years

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Mirio / NSFW Alphabet

A list of headcanons done as a commission! If you would be interested in commissioning me, you can find my prices+rules HERE or you can donate HERE.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Mirio is an absolute darling during aftercare. Before you can even regain your ability to speak, he’s asking you if you need any water, if you’re feeling alright, if you want a massage, etc. He talks so fast that you’ll have to interrupt him and tell him to wait a moment.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves his hands. They’re large, big, and calloused from years of training. He likes them because he uses them to protect people and to make you feel good. He also holds your hand constantly.

His favorite body part on you, as cliche as it might sound, is your eyes. He thinks they’re beautiful and he could spend all day looking at them.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Prefers to cum inside. There’s something so bestial and carnal about it, and it kind of feels like he’s marking you in some way.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has a bit of a breeding kink. The idea of filling you up over and over with the purpose of impregnating you really turns him on, but he’s too shy to tell you.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

People have wanted to jump on his dick since he landed a top spot at UA. Fans, fellow heroes, everyone is into this guy and how could they not be? He’s so welcoming and friendly.

That being said, he’s a pretty experienced guy. He likes to casually fool around and he’s just good, at everything. He’s not ashamed of how open to sex he is and he has the experience to show it. It’s safe to say that he’s fucked at least once before graduating UA.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, or doggy style. He loves grabbing your hips and forcing you back and forth, up and down on his cock. The sense of control just fills him with an (admittedly shameful) sense of carnal control and lust.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Absolutely goofy. He believes that in order to have a functional, loving relationship, you need to be able to fool around with each other. He just can’t be serious all the time during sex, and he uses jokes as means to diffuse tension/worry or to soothe his partner, should they be anxious or self-conscious about something.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Well-groomed. His public hair is a little darker but he takes extra care to keep it neat and presentable!

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He loves the idea of being silly in the bedroom. To him, it’s a crucial part of having an intimate relationship. He has to be be able to joke with you during sex, because it’s a part of his upbeat personality.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Masturbates regularly, and owns several flesh lights. He does it less frequently when he finally gets intimate with you, but if you’re not feeling like having sex or you’re not around, he’ll jack off every day. Maybe multiple times a day.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Creampies. As said earlier, he loves cumming inside of you.

Also, gets turned on very easily by a pair of heels and stockings. If you wear them, he’ll ask you to keep them on while he fucks you.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Anywhere, really? He dislikes doing it in completely public places, but he loves fucking you on top of the kitchen counter, or having a quickie in a broom closet. He’s certainly not picky, though he prefers the bedroom for passionate, loving sex.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

It’s not hard to turn him on. Just the small flash of your panties from under a cute skirt will do it for him. He also enjoys seeing you in form-fitting clothes, turtlenecks, tight leggings, etc, etc. Bending over with your ass facing him (whether it’s on purpose or just to pick something up) will get him horny instantly.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Doesn’t like anything that hurts you. He’s kind of particular about it, though. Spanking is all good and fine, but he doesn’t like the idea of slapping you, or cutting you, or choking you. He knows how strong he is an he’s afraid of hurting you. Over the years he’s learned to control and hone his strength, but that doesn’t stop him from worrying.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Prefers to give, because he loves pinning your hips to the bed and watching you buck and cry and struggle. He’s incredibly skilled and always eager to eat you out. One of his arms will wrap around your thigh to anchor you to the bed while his tongue toys with your slit.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Mirio prefers a fast, rough pace. But if you’re going for multiple rounds, he’ll definitely switch it up. After the first round, he tends to become gentler

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

100% game. Being a hero is time-consuming and his high rank means that his schedule is full more often than he would like. He’ll take anything he can get from you, because he misses you a lot when he’s stuck at work.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Mirio is absolutely open to experimenting. He’ll try almost anything because hey, he’s an open-minded guy and he just wants to make you happy. If he finds himself enjoying what he’s trying out, then that’s great! He hesitates to try anything that can hurt you, and will outright refuse to cut or choke you, should you ask.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

An incredibly long time. He can go for multiple, long rounds as long as he has a few minutes to rest in between each one. He can easily fuck everyday, multiple times a day.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Fleshlights! He uses them more when he doesn’t have an actual partner to fuck.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Loves teasing! He doesn’t get too sadistic with it, but he might deny you orgasm once every now and again. More than anything, his teasing is just silly little jibes and jokes.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Unabashedly loud. He doesn’t care who hears (unless you’re in a public/semi-public place and trying to keep quiet). Most of his noises and low and throaty, growls and groans. He doesn’t whine, and his pitch never goes high.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Tends to like being dominant, but he will be submissive for you if you ask him. Gets turned on if you step on him.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Mirio’s dick is big. At least 6 inches, girthy and heavy. It’ll take some time for you to get used to it, but he definitely knows how to use it.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Mirio, despite how hard he works all the time, has a seemingly infinite amount of stamina and can fuck daily for multiple rounds. If you’re up for it, he’s up for it. No question. Always down to fuck.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t fall asleep until he’s 100% sure you’re alright and you don’t need anything, but he falls asleep almost immediately after aftercare.

#mirio #mirio togata #bnha #my hero academia #mha #mirio headcanons #headcanons #oz write

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mjalti · 5 years

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P1. Hi Ms. Mjalti! I hope all is well with you, your family, and your endeavors! I really admire how steadfast you are in your prudence and independence, graciousness and ability to say no because I too have these traits, especially when it comes to men. I recently just joined Tinder (b/c for the New Year I promised to be more open to new ideas and experiences) and it truly has been an exercise in patience. Some of these guys just don't understand or appreciate the nuances of romance

P2. and actually meeting and genuinely getting to know someone and developing a healthy adult relationship built upon time, trust and consent. I’m 21, gay and a virgin and I’m happy to admit those things, and I yearn for a proper adult relationship that isn’t just one night stands and quick hook-ups, but whenever I explain to these guys who want those things from me that I’m not into that and I truly am just a baby gay looking for my own version of the original cliché idealistic romance P3. they say things that make me seem as if I’m judgemental or a bad person for denying them my body for their sexual sustenance. I’m not judgemental at all but I will never waver my morals or lower my standards for someone else! Like, I don’t feel bad for these feeble men at all. It’s just so frustrating trying to establish an adult relationship with love and romance amongst guys who just want to add me to their body count.P4. Have you ever had to deal with similar experiences and how does it make you feel?

——–

Hey honey. This is such big question but let’s get into it lol. First of all, I think being gay still comes with alot of responsibilities that you didn’t necessarily sign up for & none of them are your “fault”. Finding a (1) partner is already difficult for everyone but for people who are gay, there are additional layers bc alot of gay people who are out have come out at the “”price”” of their family’s abandonment or their friends abandonment or something like that. Obviously, a significant amount have also had the opposite happen (where their families were supportive ,etc) but for most people, there is that layer of missing a “community” so instead of waiting to get to know the person (as you seek), there’s a desperation to connect; often that means sex as soon as possible to establish that “connection”. This isn’t healthy but for alot of people, it’s also about having someone around who is ALSO gay and a need to “Secure” a partnership, a connection, or something that proves to them “I am not alone”. There is alot of “”unearned”” trauma & people still haven’t healed from what they had to live through. And those are the lucky ones who are still alive. Now; this isn’t dismal. There are also a ton of people who are happy & well adjusted. I would encourage you towards compassion for the people you encounter. You genuinely dont know what people have had to live through. You think about the photographs of gay partners at their partners deathbed from HIV or Felix Gonzalez-Torres work where people take a piece of candy from a pile & discard the wrapper to illustrate how ignored people with aids felt as they were left to die. There is alot of “past” that goes into “present”. I say this just to tell you that the people you encounter may be anywhere on the spectrum of healing.

Your situation is much more complex than mine is & I won’t sit here telling you it’s going to be easy or that you’re going to meet the love of your life if you do x, y, z. I dont know any of that. I just know that everyone wants to feel safe & validated. I feel like it’s important to acknowledge that we are on two parallel lines & that yours, while similar, is more challenging than mine.

But you asked about me.

I have always encountered people who have yearned to “heal” but not call it healing. To heal through me. And I’ve always denied them that, bc I am not a source of the type of healing they need. In no way can another human being heal you through sex or the depicted “love”. Sometimes love is getting the person to therapy. For me, it’s about communication. I try to understand the person. If someone is just a sexual person & can handle having had sex with several people, then I’m ok with them having had sex. If I discern that it’s a pattern they’re using to self-harm, I try to get them to start asking themselves “why do I do this?” And then if I see them making an effort to be more conscious of their actions, setting goals for healing, AND meeting those goals, then I allow myself to be in their presence. I cannot be around people who self harm or have self destructive tendencies bc I personally know my own limits and I know that …it does bad things to me. I guess the way I deal with it is I try to engage the other person’s soul, I try to talk to their spirit in the least esoteric way possible lol, I just try to get to know them & try to see where they started thinking of “hurting” as their natural state. And then work with them to get to a better place. And then get Chinese takeout. But it’s about..wanting the best for the other person, even if their best doesn’t include me in it.

When I get someone who is still living in their hurt & doesn’t want to engage in conversation about it, I wish them the best & move forward without them in my life, bc I am no one’s savior. I am just a human being trying to be human. I am not here to be anyone’s home, anyone’s mom, anyone’s therapist. I am doing my best and I am trying to engage with people who put effort in me, that I return to them. I am seeking that compassion. But if someone isn’t ready to give that to me, I do not demand it from them. I just move forward.

Additionally, as another virgin, I guess I would only encourage you to not tie your sense of “purity” to what your genitals do. Some people have higher “body counts” bc they have an easier time connecting to other people or bc they wanted to have sex. It is only a problem when a person uses sex as a form of destruction. I hope that makes sense.

I know I said alot but to wrap it up;

I would get the opinion of another gay person on this as a phenomena bc I know it exists (the rapid push towards sex) & they would maybe have a better understanding of it (a more vivid understanding) than me, but overall, you know that someone valuing you for who you are is not an outlandish request (by far) for a romantic relationship. You can negotiate on many things but respect as a human should never be one of them. If someone has traumas to work out, remember to be compassionate bc we all have lived through private hells. Try to meet people in real life bc apps will always include two types of people; those looking for sex and those desperate to get into a relationship. You are neither of those. Join an LGBT group near you if you can find one and try to interact with your community, try to find a person who sees connection with the same definition as you do. I wish you the best!

#qnotqueue #long post #i didn tmean to make this long i wanted something short but i got like...way into my thoughts #Anonymous

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viostormcaller · 5 years

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I was tagged by @wynterskies. Thanks! I usually never do these things but this one felt easy for me to do and I have the energy to right now, sooo let's get it!

A: Age? 18!

B: Birthplace? Boston, Massachusetts babeyyyy

C: Current time? As of typing this answer, 12:08 AM

D: Last drink you had? Vanilla Coke! I'm really getting into drinking Coke recently...

E: Easiest person to talk to? You guys on tumblr. I've told you guys things I've never admitted to anyone out loud, and I usually come to you all first before anyone else. Thank you for being there for me :')

F: Favorite song? I don't really have one, I just love music, man. But, if I absolutely HAD to pick a favorite, Anachronism by Cry Wolf is super up there on my top songs list.

G: Grossest memory? Uhh... well there WAS that one time I thought a tub of sour cream was cream cheese and stuck my entire finger in it. I hated sour cream for YEARS after that, it was so gross. I don't hate it now, but I don't prefer it, certainly.

H: Horror, yes or no? Y E S. It's rare to find good horror nowadays, but a lot of video games do it well and I LOVE it when Mark or Jack (especially Jack) plays horror games.

I: In love? Nah. Not looking for a partner (or partners) at the moment, trying to focus on bettering myself first and healing and getting myself together somewhat before jumping back into relationships.

J: Jealous of people? Nah, I don't get jealous, not like that, anyway. Maybe there's the occasional person who has a cool thing or did a cool thing and I'll go "Wow! That's awesome you did/have that cool thing! You're so lucky! Wish I could do/have that!" but I don't harbor jealousy of people.

K: Keyboard smash of choice? Somethin like alfjspejkdjksks, I usually use the middle row of keys, and some of the top and bottom rows for variety. I obviously put a LOT of effort into my keysmashes XD

L: Love at first sight or should I walk past again? As much of a hopeless romantic I am, I have to get a read on someone first (my readings on people are never wrong) and establish some sort of friendship before I develop any feelings. Though I develop feelings so easy XD

M: Middle name? Angelica. It was supposed to be my first name, actually, but because of how popular Rugrats was at the time, mom didn't want me getting teased for my name, so my first name is Briana and my middle is Angelica. I'm glad, too, because Angelica Briana doesn't have a good ring to it-- it just doesn't sound right!

N: Number of siblings? One, my younger sister!

O: One wish? Financial stability so my family could get off of public assistance and actually live. I would wish to move, but we should be called for housing soon so that's covered already.

P: Person you last called? My mom. She wanted to show me something on her phone that she set to happen when certain people call her XD

Q: Question you're always asked? Well, back when I used to wear my glasses, I was always asked if people could try them on XD

R: Reaction to a compliment? I usually get all shy and say "Thank you" sheepishly while smiling all big :)

S: Song you last sang? Well, I was humming the tune to Bulletproof when I was out earlier so I think that counts

T: Time you woke up? Uh, I think right before noon.

U: Underwear color? Like a periwinkle I think. Some sort of blue color.

V: Vacation destination? DISNEY WORLD!

W: Where do you feel safest? Uh... tbh, my uncle's house in Massachusetts. I've never felt more safe and secure since I've moved to NY. Living in the Bronx is not safe, and it's hard to really relax when your apartment is infested with roaches and the landlord won't send someone in to spray... that's why I wanna move back so bad.

X: X-Rays? Yeah, I've had some done on my mouth when I was getting orthodontic work done when I needed braces, and I've had some on my stomach when they couldn't figure out wtf was wrong with me and why it keeps hurting (they still don't know and it's limiting my ability to function so I should prob make an appointment for the doctor soon instead of waiting three months like they said)

Y: Your favorite food? Okay, my top three are, in this order (and they're all VERY close): Ramen (the real ramen, not the packaged stuff), sushi, pizza. Having ramen for the first time was a holy experience. If you're ever in Manhattan, go to Ippudo. Hole in the wall sort of place, but they're SO good if you can manage to find it!

Z: Zodiac sign? Pisces!

I tag: @jayiplier379, @septic-dr-schneep, @10th-no-name-person

#vio stormcaller #abc ask game

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greeniestutorials · 6 years

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Blender shortcuts

CAMERA INSTRUCTIONS:

Holding the scroll of your mouse thingy: Will rotate the view

Scrolling the scroll of your mouse thingy: Will zoom in and out

Shift+Holding scroll thingy of your mouse: Change view position

CTRL+Holding scroll thingy of your mouse: Move your mouse and see what it does!

If you have this lil thingy:

Here are some awesome view switchers:

1: Will switch the view to the Front view

CTRL+1: Will switch the view to the back view

3: Will switch the view to the left view:

CTRL+3: Will switch the view to the right view

7: top view

9: Bottom view

5: Change perspective. Great when you’re meshing furniture or creating poses!

Blender Navigation Settings:

Object mode: Is basically the ‘outside coat’ of your mesh, or well... your mesh! if you Right+click on it, the mesh will be selected.

Note: Don’t scale, rotate, move your mesh in object mode though. It will screw up with your UV map and will throw errors!

Edit mode: Edit mode is basically... what it says, you get to drag around those amazing dots or edges or faces or... even the mesh! :)

Occult geometry: This little button will make your mesh transparent in a very helpful way! This way you’ll be able to select the back vertices that you’d otherwise not see.

Note: This option is only available in Edit Mode.

Add: It has various options, but for meshing the add>mesh>pickamesh it could be really helpful!

Transformation orientation:

Translate: Stands for moving around the scene/blender

Rotate: Makes you rotate your mesh in the scene/blender.

Scale: Gives you the ability to make your mesh bigger

Viewport shadings:

Note: Not all shadings are compatible with edit mode!

Solid: Is basically your gray-scaled mesh with no textures or anything added! Just let’s you focus on the mesh (edit mode compatible)

Wireframe: Let’s you see the edges of your mesh but the faces will be invisible. This could be nice to see whether something is symmetric on spots that you wouldn’t be able to see in solid mode. You can also select vertices that you can’t select in solid mode! (Edit mode compatible)

Texture: Makes you see the texture you applied on your UV map. To see how this will be helpful for TS3 meshing, click here: X (Edit mode compatible)

Render: Sometimes useful to see how strong your specular map is. However for this, I’d recommend switching it to Cycle render. To read more about what the hell i’m talking about, here you go! x And any tutorial on how to get it game-readyish: X

SHORTCUT INSTRUCTIONS:

Note: All these shortcuts will work in the UV map layout we’ll encounter later on. I’d also suggest copy pasting this list on a text editor so you don’t forget about them.

A: Will select everything Object mode (The view we’re in right now) And will select all the dots (vertices) In Edit mode.

B: Will let you select whatever you want with just dragging the mouse

C: Hey we made the alphabet here Is basically this brush selecting tool. Works great in Edit mode, but I rarely use it in object mode.

CTRL+Rightclick: (Does not work with the UV map layout) Will let you create this circle to select stuff!

TAB: Will let you switch back to edit mode or object mode!

L: (Will only work with Blender 2.70 or later) Stands for ‘Linked’. Will let you select parts of the mesh that are, well linked in a way. Works great with meshes with hard edges or hair meshes!

Shift+Right click: Is selecting one object (In object mode. In edit mode, you’ll be able to select one vertex at a time).

S: Stands for scaling.

S+X: Stands for scaling horizontally

S+Y: Stands for scaling vertically

R: Stands for rotating

G: Stands for grab n move!

G+Y: Stands for grab and moving it up and down

G+X: Stands for grabbing and moving it left and right

CTRL+J: Will join 2 separated ‘groups’ or ‘meshes’ together! Edit mode only!

Spacebar: If you can’t find a specific option, just search it! :)

Recommended settings for TS3:

Setting things up for the sims 3 could be a pain when you have no idea what the game works with and what-not. If you’re not really familiar with creating stuff for games in general, especially the sims 3, I’d definitely check this part out! :)

Right navigation side bar settings:

Note: Make sure that the following settings are being checked in Object mode NOT edit mode!

Location: This should always be on 0.00000. Reason why is because else your CC will be say, somewhere under your world when placing it in-game! Or super high in the sky! We don’t want that to happen, eh? ;)

Scale: This one should always be set to 1.000. This is very important! If you scale them up, it will screw up your UV map and Blender will throw tons of errors. If you do want to scale something up, please do this in edit mode NOT Object mode!

TIP: Scared of accidentally exporting it with these values being not correct or just wanna be lazy/safe? Try ticking these slot thingies before meshing! :) You’ll love them!

3D Cursor: In object mode you always want the cursor to be on 0.0000. This will be helpful when adding an existing Blender mesh! :) If it’s not on the 0.0000, then this could cause issues too with uv mapping.

Shadings: There’s not that much that we need to take care of here, but there’s one VERY important box we have to tick, which is the ‘backface culling’. Reason why is, is that the way it will look like turned on is the way it will look like in-game. Turning it off will NOT fix it!

See how when turned on the back is invisible? This is how the plane will look in game if you don’t fix this. But... how *do* we fix it? Let’s go into edit mode!

1. We want to duplicate the mesh with Shift+D and then left click to confirm the duplication.

2. Then, we want to use the spacebar which stands for searching certain functionalities, type in ‘Flip normals’ and then press enter,

3. And there you go! Now the game won’t make them invisible from the back!

Left side bar navigation:

Shading: This option is only available in object mode. And is very helpful when you just imported a mesh but it doesn’t quite look right. Have a few examples!

Note: This option won’t just affect blender, it will also affect in-game.

Flat:

Smooth:

Now you think ‘why can’t it just smooth always?!’ well...

Smooth: Oh yuck! it’s 2005 all over again D:

Flat: Yay! it’s table-y! :D

Don’t fancy them all being fully flat or smooth? Let’s get to the next tab...

Shadings/UV>Shadings: This is really helpful for when you’re working on complex meshes! Shoes for example, would probably need this or a specific furniture, or even hair! The most recommended way of doing this is by selecting a few faces and use either the ‘faces: smooth’ or ‘flat’ function

Note: Only shows up in edit mode!

Exporting recommendations

When you’re sure you UV mapped it properly, and your mesh is ready to see the good ol’ milkshape to get it game-ready, the most recommended way of exporting it would be as a waterfront OBJ. OBJ is a really raw export function considered how it doesn’t support bones, which in this case is amazing! Since we don’t do anything with them in Blender when meshing stuff for ts3 :) BUT! There are some settings you want to have in order to export things successfully.

Let’s take a look at this thingy:

For exporting OBJ files:

Apply modifier

Include edges

Write normals

Include UVs

Objects as OBJ groups

Optional: Write materials (Basically your textures)

Scale: should be set to 1.00

Forward: -z Forward

Up: Y up

You can even save the setting by clicking on the + next to the ‘operator Presets’ and call it something like ‘ts3 export’ so you don’t have to keep selecting them :)

Helpful guides when you’re a noob!

Now this thing might be super duper long, but does not cover all the things you can do with it! I do recommend watching all or most of these links/videos in order to understand what the tutorials are about and what I’m doing.

NOTE: I occasionally will write down the shortcuts for specific functions but I WILL NOT explain it in my tutorials. They’re written for people with a basic knowledge for at least blender or their chosen 3D program.

Blender starters tutorials:

Interface explanation

Blender fundamentals

Beginner’s course

Awesome UV mapping tutorial

Model with curves

Customized bump maps

Simlicious:

Covering the basics in text

Info about normals

UV mapping to make things ts3 pattern-y good!

Me!:

Render only

Bake less pixelated textures

Fun stuff to look at and follow but optional:

Note: When following specific tutorials about cycle renders (Like making something translucent) These will NOT work in-game. Everything shown in render apart from the specular map, normal map and the diffuse map will NOT work in-game

Blender cloud: Is a really cool platform where you can basically watch whatever you want to gain knowledge on from the professionals! Which, is not your regular youtube videos ;) You won’t be disappointed! https://cloud.blender.org/welcome

Blender free textures: Is a free online database where there are over 1500 free textures you can choose from, for non-commercial to commercial use, all for free! So no copyrighting involved! https://cloud.blender.org/p/textures/

Blender today: Is kind of this awesome newspaper website. everyday you’ll get a new article, some artwork, others awesome tips to improve your work with Blender! http://blender.today/p/

Jayanam: Has some great blender tutorials to maybe give you some ideas for your next meshing mission! :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icABMWGkOn4&list=PLboXykqtm8dydLQFk962346_TrAgzfMCF

Yan’s UV mapping tutorials: I learned a lot by just watcihng these videos! It sure is a recommended video to watch, but watch this one after you know how to UV map! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvPwLecDlWRD3F9lVD0ks_sdpxCgxgYm-

Hand-painted Sword by XRG81: Why this one? Well it did teach me the advanced ways of drawing on a texture map instead of just guessing in Photoshop if I did them write! :) And besides! It’s a really awesome way to avoid seams! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNHJ5gduZOiWXtbeiZZi3q082bclOHQY4

Tutor4u: Has tons of awesome tutorials on how to work with stuff in Blender!

#Tutorials #tutorial #blender tutorial #greenie explains shit

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