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#than i had been and i have been absolutely fucking awful
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I adore Izzy and Stede's interactions in s2e3, because they're so consistently proving to Izzy that he does not know Stede like he thought he did.
Going into s2, even as Izzy begins to realize that he fucked up by threatening Ed until Ed went so hard back into the Blackbeard persona, Izzy has two big assumptions.
he knows Ed better than anyone else
Stede Bonnet is his rival
And in s2e3 Stede is just consistently responding to those with "??? wtf is your problem?"
Izzy telling Ed that he knows him better than anyone else was already laughable. At this point in his arc, he's still talking about Ed like some crazed animal with erratic, unpredictable behavior. He does not talk about or treat Ed like a person with feelings. But when he starts in trying to tell Stede about how Ed was a "wild dog" (that line still makes my lip curl, jesus) and makes Ed out to be wildly cruel by saying deserting him "was better than he would've done for us" despite how Ed literally did just that in the s1 finale, Stede consistently meets him by thinking of Ed's feelings, not taking the bait, and feeling awful for how much his actions hurt Ed. He thinks of Ed as a person and refuses to conform to the language Izzy uses.
Izzy, in s1 and at the start of s2, sees Stede as a sort of romantic rival at the same time as he clearly considers Ed and Stede's love for each other as a whim, a passing crush. Neither Ed nor Stede think of Izzy in romantic terms, this is abundantly clear, and Izzy (world's most repressed man) doesn't have a fucking clue what love looks like. Izzy spends so much of this episode trying to get a rise out of Stede, pretending he was the one who slashed up the painting, challenging Stede to yell at him after Stede sees what he thinks is Ed's dead body. And Stede doesn't give him fucking anything. He's just constantly kinda fed up with Izzy. His mental energy is elsewhere - he doesn't even look at Izzy when Izzy tries to thank him near the end of the episode.
Absolutely fascinating to think about where Izzy's mind must have been this episode. He learned he was expendable to Ed in s2e1, here he's learning that he doesn't take up literally any space at all in Stede's brain, either. Stede constantly proves him wrong by making thoughtful, empathetic guesses about Ed's mental state, and when he brings up the "doggy heaven" reference, something he wouldn't have known about had Ed not told him, it confirms that he was a confidante for Ed, something Izzy never was. Izzy never understood either of them, and this episode is him getting to realize that.
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mqonlighting · 2 months
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real talk in the tags for a second because i have a crush on a girl and i. a hehe. ahehehe.
will be burying this in reblogs and never touching on it again
#so random disclaimer this girl is like a year older than me and in high school it’s like a nono for older and younger batch to like be#a thing so i know i generally have no chance but i like to live in my own insanity and the progression of my crush on her has been absolute#ly cuckoo bananas. so like it started out as ‘i wanna be your friend’ and progressed into ‘shit they’re really pretty’ to ‘wow ur so??’ to#‘fuck i like them’ and then it died down and then by all golly it came back but more of a hallway crush now which is bearable bc i’m#not really a part of their life?? like we know each other but we don’t wave and shit and we don’t like ever interact that much so i was lik#ok this is fine bc they literally never think of me so i’m just admiring from afar. and the FIRST inciting incident was i request them onig#and i expect to not get accepted because according to their friends they onyl accept close friends and i’m like k this is a bad idea probs#but the worst that could happen is i get left in their follow requests right?? RIGHT?? but then within like two hours of reqing. lord.#i got. ACCEPTED. and they requested back. and suddenly it’s +1 tangibility like ok?? maybe we’re not as strangers as i thought we were#i later discovered i was not that special for this but also?? cool?? anyways for a while it kind of laid dead and we never spoke at all eve#tho i was in their acc now (at this time they barely posted but whenever they did it was so?? funny like they would slap the randomest shit#on that acc) and it was still a hallway crush altho my friends r awful (/pos) people who would always make me pass their hallway and i#would run into them so often but at this point we only ever like exchanged glances and they would walk right past me like i wasnt even ther#but THEN the second incident happened which was basically we had to play instruments for this christmas event thing and bc they’re literall#y amazing they played for it and i was roped into it and. i was so gay the whole time. bc who wears a leather jacket to school and gets the#prettiest haircut ever right on the last day before a long break?? and the worst part is whenevr something confusing happened they would#turn to me and this one other person and we’d b laughing together. like we r friends. and they’re so fucking nice they were checking up on#us the whole time i was literally dying i kept dropping my pick and stealing looks AURURUGH and they’re so gen funny and interesting i just#and the first few days of holiday break i just couldn’t stop thinking abt them it was so bad? like that was the moment where i was genuinel#like is this more than a hallway crush… eventually it died back down until the next event we had to play together where they were being SO#SO much more comf w me? like exchanging knowing looks when smt funny happens and that stuff.. at this point i didnt even know what to like#think of my crush on them so i just let it be yk. atp they’re not even waving at me in the hallways at all still so maybe they’re just bein#nice! BUT NO. THAT IS UNTIL I AUDITIONED FOR A BAND (theyr in charge of accepting) AND THEY ACCEPTED ME WHICH COOL BUT LIKE A DAY LATER I#HEARD FROM OUR MUTUAL FRIEND THAT THEY SAID ‘yeaa im so happy i got (my name)’ AS IN IN THE BAND. LIKE. HELLO?? HI U THIUGHT ABT ME?? and#during the first band mtg where everyone’s all awk they kept making eye contact w me and asking if i was good and making sure i got to say#smt before anyone made a decision and it. murdered. me. i’m sorry maybe it’s the fanfic writer in me or this shit is literally nothing and#think they’re just nice to everyone but who cares bc it means they’re nice to ME too. and then last week happened. which was like the nail#in the coffin. INTERACTION ACTIVITY. I IMPULSIVELY ASK IF THEY WANNA B GROUPMATES AND THEY SAY YES. THEY ONLY TALK TO ME AND THEIR FRIENDS.#I ACT STUPID. THEY ALUGH AND TOUCH MY SHOULDER. I ASK ABT THEIR CAMERA AND THEY GO ON A LONG-ISH (cute) RANT ABT SMTH. THEY ASK WHY I HAVE#BIG ASS STACK OF POST ITS. WE TALK. THEY LAUGH AT MY JOKES. SUDDENLY. THEY SAY A FULL HELLO IN THE HALLS. THEY WAVE AT ME A DAY LATER. FUCK
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maraeffect · 5 months
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there is literally not a worse feeling that exists than the feeling that you just annoy people.
#just doesn't exist. I'm so fucking isolated right now i absolutely hate it. and the people that ARE close to me?#i feel that i annoy them the most and one of them is actively pushing me away#i can't find anyone to be friends with me IRL here in Jersey. it's been almost nine months here#and I don't have a single IRL friend. i try online apps and support groups but nothing clicks#and the people that chat with me on the apps stop answering after 2 messages.#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything#but she is so fucking caught up in her own head that she literally avoids me. so that sucks!!#i know she's suffering bc she is so worried about me but. it's a really big slap in the face that#we've supported each other thru thick and thin the past 8 years. and i dropped everything for her more than once#but in my time of biggest need when I'm the most alone I've ever been in my adult life???#she cannot show up for me. that fucking sucks.#and I've distanced myself from my only close family bc they've severely mistreated me so.#all i have is my partner. who means the world to me and sacrifices so much to help me!!#but it comes at the cost of CONSTANTLY feeling like a huge fucking annoyance to the only person in my life#who is genuinely able to show that they love and care for me. that's literally awful to feel.#we just had our 5 year anniversary and i needed something really celebratory so badly.#and it didn't happen and our ''anniversary'' was just at home#and our official anniversary of starting dating is on veterans Day. and we won't even be in the same fucking region#so I'll be alone with my shitty family.#i hate it i feel so unappreciated and unwanted and like nothing about me is ever enough.#negative#audio
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piplupod · 4 months
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me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!
#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid#i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule.#i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day.#i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!!#i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)!#I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!!#anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year#but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao#i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board#but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with#AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT.#like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it#that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it#i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG#it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing.#and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it.#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.#genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl#maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful#i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year#for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao#my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever#im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!!#suicide tw
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katnissgirlsmakedo · 9 months
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i’m allowed to be a jakey hater ok my best friend has a jakey ass boyfriend who doesn’t like me very much. i’ve earned it
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thevioletcaptain · 7 months
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windstrider2017 · 1 year
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It’s insane how awful you can feel from smth so stupid. Am I fucking goign to die? No, apparently I’m just a dumbass and didn’t eat my 2nd meal of the day til abt 7 pm.
#if you're able to pls make sure you drink enough water and eat properly and sleep and stuff#because not doing that stuff can make you feel awful#this was a simple dumbass mistake#but when you're dealing w depression/grieving/etc it can be much worse#like over the weekend i was in a depressive slump and didn't even finish breakfast til like 5 pm ish#and when wil died last summer i spent abt a week not wanting to even eat or shower or anything#i did get food down (good thing) but it took forever and a lot of it was soup#i got so weak i could barely even move and ironically enough got nausea from the hunger (not to mention the grief and stuff)#note: i mention the depressive slump but i'm fine and it was over smth rly dumb in hindsight (school related drama)#i've generally been doing pretty good w eating properly and hydrating and stuff and it makes a huge difference#i think back to high school me being severely sleep deprived for like 4 yrs straight and also dehydrated and sometimes hungry#no wonder i was kinda toast by the time i graduated. and did so much better when i could sleep properly and had enough water and shit#i was so exhausted i just wanted to lay down literally anywhere. even the fucking floor or the parking lot#i may be having some issues rn but generally i am doing way way way better than that#thank god bc i straight up could not do that again even if i had to. my body would flip me a giant 'fuck you' on day one of that shit#i know so because the few times in the last few years that i've actually tried to go to class on barely any sleep#i've felt absolutely horrible and taken a while to recover#i don't know wtf high school me was on to survive that shit so long but seriously do NOT do that to yourself if you can avoid it#tldr pls take care of yourselves and minimize dumb shit lol#it rly does make a difference if you are able to eat decent food and sleep enough and drink enough water#and also if you can be a little silly as a treat#i've recently gotten into those mini finger skateboards and it's a lot of fun. got my first one otw in the mail soon#for now i've been youtubing in between classwork to learn some of the tricks! :)#i'm gonna need to get a popsicle board for some of it. first one i got otw is a cruiser/penny style bc i rly just liked how it looks#i'm a popsicle board person basically all-the-way but i am not immune to gnarly looking random boards.#it's this funky looking throwback board and i rly wanted it so i broke down and bought it#i mean if i get a new actual board to replace my probably-sketchy cheap board it'll be a popsicle board or else an old-school style cruiser.#i do want to do some tricks but there's some stuff that's too dangerous or too crazy that i will not be doing if i skate#i figure i can reserve the crazier tricks for fingerboards bc some of that shit is just too dangerous/crazy for me#i don't need another ER trip lmao
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I'm pretty sure I can never let myself have any kind of surgery that isn't absolutely necessary ever again and it really kind of sucks
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mummer · 2 years
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clenastia · 4 days
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my least fucking favorite thing is absolutely rank smelling people sitting at the table next to mine in a cafe.
in this case a fucking smoker.
like i understand as someone extremely prone to scent-based sensory overload (can't focus, building nausea, if i dont get away from the smell soon enough migraines) that like. it's a part of life. You can't reasonably avoid ALL strong smells, nor can you be reasonably accommodated for that.
Especially when it's not just bad smells like sweat and cigarettes but even 'good' smells like perfume and cologne or even like. febreeze shit. If the smell is strong it WILL fuck me up and expecting the whole world to cater to that... disability? of mine? like using disability feels wrong but also i literally get migraines so maybe that's just my anxiety of being perceived as In The Wrong acting up but like.
Logically the whole world can't cater to that for me.
But also. Please. There are open tables elsewhere. Please. Sit fucking anywhere else. I can't handle this.
I'd move myself but there is only one table in this entire cafe that has an electric socket and my computer dies if I don't keep it plugged in so I don't have any other options unless I go to a different cafe.... :(
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talaricula · 4 months
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Things I've seen tumblr memeing about James Somerton doing à la "How did no one see how bigoted he was!" as if those things haven't been a significant part of tumblr culture for over a decade :
Presenting untrue and bordering on conspiratorial versions of (queer or otherwise marginalised) history without any sources
Completely disregarding and disrespecting any expertise on socio-cultural topics/humanities and distrusting academics and historians (incl. acting as if no academics or historians could be queer or marginalised)
Downplaying the role misogyny played in the historical oppression of queer women and concluding that queer men must have been more oppressed than queer women
Bi women are, at best, not as queer as "real" queer ppl, and at worst, simply equivalent to straight women
Despite nominal trans inclusivity, transmasculine ppl are functionally women when convenient (combined with the above, bi transmascs are functionally straight women)
Despite nominal trans inclusivity (bis), shamelessly attacking, threatening and actively endangering any trans woman who questions them or smth they find important (often by unfairly presenting her as violent or as a threat)
Having absolutely fucking wild and reductive takes about ace ppl, the oppression they face and their place in the queer community
Stating that marriage equality is an assimilationist fight while completely ignoring its direct roots in the horrifying consequences of the AIDS crisis for partners of ppl who died of AIDS
Praising western media creators from the past for queer coding even under censure and in the same breath condemning current non western media creators for being homophobic bc their representation isn't explicit enough
Blaming China for all existing homophobic censoring in western media
Assuming all queer media would be better told by western creators and by western standards
Only out queer ppl get to tell queer stories
Heavily criticising almost all queer media created by women or ppl they see as such (see above points about trans ppl) or involving/starring a significant amount of women for any perceived or real amount of "problematicness", but fawning over and praising and negating criticism of queer media created by and starring mostly or even functionally exclusively men (even when it could be argued that, you know, not involving/seriously sidelining women is a pretty clear example of misogyny which should probably be considered "problematic")
And I'm probably forgetting stuff or there's stuff I have internalised myself and don't recognise as an issue
Like idk but I feel like the takeaway from Hbomberguy and Toddintheshadow's videos should maybe be "be aware of such patterns in your communities bc they definitely exist" and not "this guy is uniquely awful" and I feel like a lot of the discussion I've seen surrounding this has been severely failing at that. Most ppl who've spent any significant amount of time on tumblr prob either have internalised at least one of those thought patterns, have had to de-internalise them, or have had to be extremely vigilant to not internalise them (which is done by, you know, seeking out other sources, which also seemed like an important takeaway from the videos)
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29121996 · 2 months
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toburyyou · 5 months
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medicinemane · 6 months
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All I'm saying is any rule, any law, any social convention, anything where there's some kind of reprisal for transgressing against it... just make damn sure you're careful with it lest it be used against you
Every freedom you give up in the name of making a better world, really double check it's worth it and narrowly defined
I mean some freedoms are worth giving up, for instance I don't have the freedom to kill people who annoy me, and I shouldn't have that freedom. I lose very little while gaining a great deal both personally and for society as a whole, and there are a lot of places like this where it's 100% worth it to ban something outright
Similarly, there absolutely are reasons to socially shun people, like you don't have to put up with every last thing just to be nice. Influencers who do stuff like harass people to drum up attention or record and post every second of their kid's lives, I don't think we should be engaging with people like that unless it's to keep an eye on them, I think they do a ton of harm
All I'm saying though, is shit like the Patriot Act drummed up support because it was going to protect people, keep people safe... and look what actually happened, look how it's used. It's state surveillance against the people it claimed to protect and that's about it
I'm not gonna tell you which things are wrong to shit on people for, or which policies you should oppose. I don't want you to just mimic what I believe, even if I thought anyone was gonna
I just want you to look at stuff, and think about it, and really decide if that thing you want gone is harmful in a concrete enough way that if you do something to try to remove it, it will only remove that instead of spilling over in to stuff you didn't want it to
I just want you to check in your head if anything you're cracking down on either legally or through social pressure might lead you to losing something you care about down the road if bad actors skew how to interpret things
I'm not saying that's how it's gonna go, I'm just saying think first
#you know what I'll always respect?#when cloudflare basically just removed their ddos protections from... think it was stormfront or a similarly hateful website#and here's the part I respect#the owner came out and basically said 'yeah; I woke up and was basically like fuck those assholes; I'm done with this'#'because we basically had people asking us to just step aside; so i knew they'd get hit with a ddos if we cancelled our contract'#'and I don't regret it at all; because they're awful people and I hate them'#'but I also have to say it's pretty worrisome that I could singlehandedly make a decision like that'#it went something like that anyway; and I respect the fact that he realized the gravity of his actions#like I mean I agree with him; agree with what he did; fuck those assholes#but he had awareness about the whole thing; he realized that there was danger that the unpopular voice wouldn't always be unpopular#because it was saying something hateful and vile like in these cases#sometimes the unpopular voice might be saying something true; and just; and important; that people just didn't like or want to hear#and that... it's very hard to work out how to tell the difference in terms of a systematic framework#and that also like... well; our gut will tell us which things are good and bad; which things should be protected and which shouldn't#except... that's fucking stupid; we all get it wrong; and most of us are ruled by what makes us uncomfortable more than morality#like be blunt; that's a pretty damn true statement if you think about it#and even if it's not; there have been absolutely abhorrent ideas in the past that were held as sacrosanct pillars of society#like was it wrong to say 'slavery is horrible and should be banned' just because some people found that an unpopular opinion?#obviously not; like blatantly those people were wrong#but you have to acknowledge; you really really have to acknowledge that you're capable of being one of those people#that you're capable of believing wrong; bad; hurtful things even though you're trying to be a good person#that you could be on the pro slavery side of things in a modern situation where we just haven't moved far enough along#for it to become more or less universally recognized that yeah... you're just being a backwards asshole about things#we can all be tricked; we can all fall for vile lines of thinking if they appeal to us in the right ways; me included#the important thing is to constantly try your best to reevaluate why you believe what you believe and provide evidence#I don't know... just don't be passive and assume you're right#check that what you're saying and doing isn't causing undue harm#it's tough... we all think we're freethinking smarties who've come to the right conclusion#so if I tell you to make sure you're right; you're gonna say 'yeah of course I am'; and you know? so am I#but just like... try to be a little introspective; and try to interrogate what you believe and why
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uzicel · 6 months
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#。 enchiridion#。 notes app#oh sweet fucking idiot. fucking lower than low fucking nothing of a person#no excuse for how completely and absolutely i am able to fuck up. i am here pitying myself instead of doing anything#fucking useless#and i wish i wasnt. nothing i am of use for and i can only whine about it!#how am i so able to fuck things up to instantaneously and fucking foolishly. fucking nothing person#it’s stupid. cause i’m not doing anything about it just typing this to look back at and be like Ah. that’s corny#i feel fucking awful and disgusting for anyone ever having to put up with me. including myself and here i am feeling sorry for myself again#but mostly everyone else. imagine having to deal with such incompetence for so little in return. i’m so sorry#all i fucking do is apologize and complain and cut and complain and apologize. imagine having to deal with this it isn’t worth it at all#and be corny. a lot of that being corny#i wish i had razor blades here. razor blades soon maybe i don’t like looking at em though.#sick of fucking thumbtacks. they’re probably worse for me right? i want to see blood . hardly getting any#i’m bitching so bad ok corny. i dont even deserve to sleep right? CORNY! i just want to sleep. want to sleep for fucking ever as an apology#to those who know me. imagine having to fucking know me. having to witness me fuck everything up and apologize like a fucking dweeb#i contribute so little to the lives of anyone around me its sorta disappointing right? opposite of impressive#i dont even deserve to 🔚it properly! never should have been born. not that itd make things easier for everyone. no effect on anybody’s life#being around me is a fucking chore. i know this its a fucking drain. i’m not just boring but a fucking drain and an active burden#as if people fucking think of me. too much credit i’m always giving myself
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fleshdyke · 1 year
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shjsjegdbjdr
#going into this im not even totally sure what im gonna end up talking abt so tw for like everything. sui sh csa etc#i have dreams and things i want to do with my life and i dont want to die but i dont know how to handle emotions like this#so my first response has always just been suicide attempt#its so stupid what im upset about but like. idk. i cant get it out of my brain.#its literally just bc my friends are sort of drifting apart from me at lunch. its just that. and it seems so stupid and small to say but i#feel like ending my entire life over this so idk#like im so fucking scared of being alone at lunch. im so scared of being alone. and i tried talking to them about it and i know they have#good intentions but they said ‘we all have other friends and we aren’t each other’s main friends anymore and that’s okay’#and like. i don’t. i don’t have anyone else to go to#and they basically said it wasn’t their problem. and they didn’t say that verbatim and i’m making them sound so much worse than they are and#i love them all but thats essentially what it felt like to me#and i dont want to bring it up again bc theyve dealt with my shit enough and im mature enough to deal with my own problems#it just. it feels so awful being so fucking alone. i had an actual friend group for a while and my meds were working andi forgot how fucking#bad everything feels. im so paranoid theyre going to drop me and then i don’t know what to do#if they drop me i seriously think i might try to kill myself because i don’t fucking know what to do without them#like it feels like its only a matter of time and i know its not the end of the world but it feels like it. it really fucking feels like it#i feel so inherently unwanted and i know ive said this like a million times over but the only time anyone has ever wanted me was when i was#like 6. and i cant even fucking remember it. like every cis girl is like ‘universal woman experience of being chased by boys you dont want#in elementary school’ and its like. its not universal i would give absolutely anything for that to happen to me bc i know logically that’s#awful and i dont actually want it but god it hurts so fucking much to be unwanted. no one has ever wanted me once. and it scares me that i#want some man to want me so badly he just takes it and i don’t actually want that but it would reassure me that im not broken#and i know its unrealistic to expect to be in a relationship in hs but all of my friends are and it just feels like what the fuck is wrong w#me that no one has ever looked twice other than to bully me. what can i do to change it. will i ever be wanted#everyone i know has someone that loves them unconditionally and not even like romantically like everyone has a best friend at least#but im just so fucking alone. i dont want to be alone forever. i dont know what to do#i dont know how to handle these emotions so i just want to kill myself about it#but i dont actually want to die so i just sit there and cut my arms and hope that someone will ask if i’m okay bc there’s no way i’m#going to volunteer this shit to someone who didnt ask#rambles#vent
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