Hi my name is Ebony Edmond Giacomo Sinbad Adelmonte Busoni Wilmore Dantes Monte Cristo and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) and eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Lord Ruthven (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Maximilian Morrel but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I escaped from a dungeon nine years ago but my skin is still pale white. I’m also a chemist, and I’m a count living in Paris (I’m forty-two). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black shirt with a white waistcoat and a black suit, a fine gold watch chain and black shoes. I was walking outside my house at Auteuil. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. Morcerf, Danglars, and de Villefort stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
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Let me say this: Danglars had a great potential as a character. That rat was unscrupulous, sly and SMART, for heaven's sake. And one cannot just say he was a man "of a certain scope for crime and of average intelligence for ordinary life ," and consider it as a good excuse for turning the character into a dumbass when the plot doesn't need him being smart anymore.
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So since I’ve officially finished the liveblog, here’s a long (and incomplete) list of things I love about this book:
How sweet Edmond is to his father and how much they love each other
Renée and Gérard’s relationship. I really wish Dumas had developed it more
Gérard and Noirtier’s love/hate relationship + the shenanigans
The subtle, funny jokes that don’t make you laugh out loud but that make the journey throughout the book even better
Dumas randomly commenting on various things (Italian food, French society...)
Dumas getting mistaken over the dates of historical events. Why did nobody correct him??
Dumas’ incredibly realistic dialogues where people literally repeat the same three or four words over and over. I feel like these parts are just unsubtle fuck you’s to his publishers (he was paid by the line and not by the word, unlike his buddy Vicky Hugo)
Dantès totally believable excuses.
Albert adoring his mom
Franz and Countess G. being nerd buddies who talk about ghosts and dead people under moonlight
Franz. Just Franz.
Countess G. genuinely believing that Monte-Cristo is a vampire
Maximilien just spending more time at Valentine's or the Count's than at his own home
The sass. There’s so much sass here. I dig it so much. I love it. Bless
The Beauchamp/Debray/Raoul banter
Franz being the smartest character in the whole freaking book
Louise "oh Eugénie you are adorable" d'Armilly
Eugénie and Louise elopement being useless in the story but Dumas still includes it.
^ just like Vampa's story
Monte-Cristo being such a fucking Drama Queen, man just shoot them in the head and be done with it, for Christ’s sake
How human all the characters are, it’s amazing, they’re all so flawed and yet lovable in their own special ways
Fernand being an actual decent husband and father
Young!Fernand being like “but I love you and I’ve helped you, why don’t you love me back?” and Mercédès answering “lmao dude I never asked you to love or help me” like YES QUEEN call him out
The not-so-subtle queer undertones. Thank you Dumas
How smitten Albert is for Monte-Cristo. It’s adorable. Please give the poor boy the hug he deserves
The Count being a huge emotional mess
Monte-Cristo’s solution to any problem: hashish and rants
People being really surprised whenever Monte-Cristo gives huge tips
Jacopo
“Busoni”, which in Milanese dialect means “big holes"
The ridiculous names Dumas chose for his Italian characters. Beppo and Peppino are diminutives for the same goddamn name.
Just??? Everything?? How can you not love this book tbh it’s so good and I’m 100% convicted it’s literally Dumas’ best work
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I wish I'd get high at least once in my past life. Imagine how easy things would go:
Valentine : father I know you're gonna be mad but I love Max!
Villefort, inhaling Stuff™: okay, good luck with your new husband
Val: father!.. are you sure?
Villefort: yeah
Val: why are your eyes red?
Villefort, exhaling smoke: tears of joy
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