#tbh i might just be aromantic i can't see myself in a relationship at all and my brain won't ever let me think i'm capable of being loved or

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole if I start hooking up with my hook-up's friend?

Some background info is necessary here. I'm aromantic and I've always been completely open about that and as upfront about what a relationship with me will (and, more importantly, won't) entail. I met this particular guy on a dating website like OKCupid or something like that, I don't remember exactly which one. We got along and were attracted to each other so I sat him down and had my usual talk with him about what he could expect and what he should never expect and whether or not that was a relationship he was okay with having. He said yes, so we started doing basically a FWB thing.

He's incredibly hot and we are very compatible sexually (which is honestly not super common for me tbh lol). The problem is, he often gets clingy and weepy and complains to me about how lonely he is and that he really wants a romantic relationship, complete with things about how no one will ever love him and those types of sayings. I've talked to him about it a few times and asked if he was sure he wanted to keep doing this with me when I will never be able to meet that need. We're also not exclusive at all, so I usually respond to this kind of thing by encouraging him to keep seeing other people/keep putting himself out there/etc and hyping him up and stuff. Every time we talk about it he says he's good to go, that he totally understands my aromanticism and he won't try to push for romance from me, and like I said it's kind of difficult for me to find people who also want the sex I want (I guess I'm kind of kinky and a stone top which in my experience a lot of guys are not into idk) and especially to find people who are interested in sex and dating with no actual romantic feelings or intent. So I've been sticking with him even though he keeps bringing this up and kind of (seemingly) implying that he wants things from me I've told him repeatedly I can't give. I don't want to hurt his feelings by still sleeping with him if he wants love, but I'm basically operating on the assumption that he's a big boy who can make his own decisions and I've been honest with him and understanding, at least as far as I'm concerned.

That's the backstory, now we reach the issue I'm actually asking about. A few days ago, maybe as an early birthday present for me or maybe just coincidentally, this guy had a friend over at the same time as me and we ended up having a threesome. It was great! I really liked the other person involved and we were all compatible and had a lot of fun. They gave me their number on my way out.

So I've been texting with this person, that my long term (I guess, depending on your definition of "long term") hook-up introduced me to via a threesome, and they have asked me if I want to hook up again with just them. Which I totally do. I know I wouldn't be an asshole to start seeing them in addition to the first guy because we're not exclusive and never have been, and I've made myself clear from the beginning that we never would be. My question is would I be the asshole if I started seeing this person that he introduced me to via a threesome, and also stopped having sex with him (I would be open to still being friends who don't have sex, but somehow I doubt he would be very interested in that).

The thing is, this new person is also aromantic, so I know that a non-romantic sexual relationship that stays non-romantic would actually for sure be okay with them. I wouldn't have to worry a) about hurting their feelings because they want something from me I can't give, or b) them repeatedly implying they want more or thought I could change my mind eventually or whatever. But... It just seems like it might be a bit of a dick move when he introduced us for group sex and then to... cut him out of the group, I guess.

So... would I be the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[simcardiac-arrested]

"or did people just like. Forget. and suddenly decide it was about aromanticism for whatever reason" that's it exactly! people repackage this specific brand of homophobia into an aro talking-point, when in reality they've totally conflated platonic relationships with being aro!! and as an aro i just ughhhh. it feels so underhanded because they know they can't outright be homophobic without backlash so they act like their opinions are on behalf of aromantics as a way of masking it. granted, this doesn't happen all the time but i've seen it too many times for my liking

RIGHT? Like i’m aro myself and it actually fucking baffles me when people will just parrot “why can’t these characters just be friends” like it’s an actual criticism and not a statement that people frequently used (and still do use!) to be homophobic about gay media/gay kids shipping smth that is gay. and it’s just like ….. it’s not a thing i’ve ever heard any aro person say? ever? Maybe because i’ve just surrounded myself with people who know that “why cant they just be friends” is a homophobic dogwhistle at this point, but also like …… when we talk about the overabundance of romantic relationships we say just that. we don’t usually take a popular gay ship that most likely has a lot of gay subtext and go Damnnn i wish people could just be normal and see these characters as friends :/ LIKE NO MAN we just say like we need more friendships in media in general. that’s it. we don’t single out some random gay ship i have NEVER seen an aromantic do that. So yeah like i totally agree with you that it feels 100% underhanded especially since it seems none of these people are actually aro

and tbh i really hate the implication that only aro people want more friendships in media, or that only aro people could benefit from it. it’s just so stupid. i assure you not only allo queer people but also straight people are Actual Friends with whatever gender they’re attracted to all the time. sometimes they’re even GOOD friends, sometimes best friends and sometimes even something entirely different but that still isn’t romantic. Like ….. i just cannot for the life of me get behind the notion that only The Aros would want friendship in media and that’s why we should stop making things gay! it’s for The Aros guys! and it’s like dude i swear if you just start talking to people outside your damn computer screen you’ll find out that non-aro people tend to value friendship just as much. they might even want to see more of it in media. But i doubt they’re out there saying “god why can’t characters just be friends”

#and yeah the fact that it’s always about gay pairings too is like … UR ASS NOT SUBTLE ! #at least be consistent and complain about forced canon m/f pairings too Bc some of them would actually be better as friends #cramswering

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Hi there, Bababird!!! Hope you're doing well 💗💗💗 Mayyybe 🎵 for Cassandra if you have any? I love how you've written her in your Sparrow/Cass fic btw - I still think about it an unhealthy amount dbfkhabfskhbs. And since the fandom on tumblr has collectively agreed that it's his day, mayhaps a 🎵 for Hermie as well hehe :]c

aw shucks she called me Bababird hehe Hi Happi!!! Thank you- I hope you're doing well too! I *definitely* have some for Cassandra! 😅 For better or for worse though a lot of them are either in the context of Cass/Sparrow or Cass/Nicky- so apologies in advance for any rambles I go on about either of those two ahaha I promise in either case things will eventually wrap around to being about Cass (and songs)!

Also, if you'll humor me, I don't think I'll be able to help myself but ramble a bit about the fic as well- it's just an easy way to talk about how I see Cassandra! 💜 ^_^* I'm very very flattered that you enjoyed her that much! You know at first I was maybe gonna do thing's from Sparrow's POV but then I was like- "PFF, fuck that, let's try to figure out what's going on in Cassandra head!"- it's the least she deserves, really.

And I know I'm too late for his "b-day", but I do have some Hermie songs as well! Mostly in the context of Oakworthy though ahaha... Those will be at the end! Edit: actually just the one this time around aha sorry I got lazy

(*slaps post* this baby can fit so many tangents! Sorry in advance for how stupid long this is!)

Okay *well*, let's start with a simple one that's just about Cass yeah? I can't say I've listened to much of their music in general, but "That's My Girl" by Fifth Harmony is *definitely* a Cassandra song for me!

There are a few lyrics in this one that standout for me in this one- but honestly it's also just the general vibe. I see Cassandra as someone who's very independent and hardworking, and also someone very capable of continuing to move forward in spite of hardships and "roll with the punches", so to speak (and Taylor definitely gets this from her hehe for sure for sure). Really the more I think about Cassandra, she's kind of a fucking badass LOL. Splitting from Nicky didn't stop her from staying on top of career all the while maintaining probably one the (if not the) healthiest of parent-child relationships in the show with her son, and really I just love that for her.

That said, for a few standout lyrics...

Yeah, who's been working so damn hard? You got that head on overload? // You've been down before. You've been hurt before. You got up before. You'll be good to go, good to go. // Get mad independent and don't you ever forget it // Nod if you've been played by every boo just tryna show you off. Thought he was the best you ever had, until he cut you off. // ain't nothin (x3) put your heart and your soul in it!

(also *points at Cassandra* that's my girl!!!)

ok ok next again if you'll humor me, I need to ramble about Sparrow for a bit in the context of the fic so that I can then ramble about Cassandra LOL.

So, ok, firstly I must confess that like, for me, I tend to read canon Sparrow as allo-aro (alloSparo? Maybe just Sparo... heh). Less popular of an opinion still is that I actually quite like that for him haha. And so for *me*, in the fic, he's prolly like aro and demisexual? That said, I know that ace Sparrow (Sparoace, Space- you get me it's funnier to do it this way) is very dear to many of you (which tbh I super understand), most especially the people who I most wanted to read the fic! So... I wanted to write something that was compatible with both interpretations? Not as a burden! I liked the challenge of trying to write something that was *sensual* but not inherently *sexual* (and in that regard... I think I did an *ok* job aha I'm sure there are certain parts that might be pushing it for some people but I had to be honest with myself about what I wanted to write too!)

Of course, as *you* know Happi, I'll still gladly drop aromantic Sparrow for a ship that tickles my fancy (and in fact I actually like these two in a romantic context as well even if it's not my default/preference- but that's for someone else's ask lol)... 😤But I was keen on keeping things platonic for this fic! Sure because I like that for Sparrow, but actually... It also had a lot to do with what I wanted to explore with Cass!

(Somehow this post is about Cass *and music* I SWEAR)

Right right right so- as far as canon goes I think it's fair to say that Cassandra is sexually and romantically a lot less ambiguous than Sparrow right- and so, well based on the little we have seen of her I get the impression that Cassandra has probably gotten fairly accustomed to a pretty "standard" kind of partnership style? And for a number of reasons... 😤 It seems she's struggled to find someone who can give her the level of commitment she deserves! Otherwise, based on her relationship with Willy (ew yucky Willy), I also feel like she might have a bit of a tendency to rush into things a bit.

Enter QPR with Sparrow! As I see it, this puts Cassandra especially in a very interesting situation. She's navigating forms of intimacy that are pretty foreign from what she's used to! To love someone... Without being *in love* with someone, per se. She gets the commitment she wants, but in a form that is unquestionably different from how she's always imagined it. Physically, there's room for intimacy (be it to one degree or another)... But she has to work up to/for it this time around, no more rushing into things!

But I see Cass as someone who is always up for a challenge. I think the novelty of these ideas is something that she would find exciting in its own right, and really she's someone who goes after what she wants at the end of the day. Not without her own insecurities I'm sure, which hopefully I got across! (And again, yeah, I definitely think Taylor takes from her in a number of ways haha).

SO ALL OF THAT SAID

"She had the world" from Panic! At the Disco is *also* a Cassandra song for me 😌

That was waaay too much lead in for a fucking patd song, honestly Happi I'm really abusing this opportunity to talk about Cass and the fic LOL

But ok ok, so with the above points in mind, this one for me is about Cass... From (an aromantic) Sparrow's perspective, and it's hard to explain exactly what I mean for this one, but yeah it's like- there's kind of this mix of insecurity and admiration and I guess... How to put this, on Cass' end she has to let go of the things she's come to take for granted a bit, and on Sparrow's end I think some fears that this kind of relationship won't be enough for her? Let me just give you the important lyrics hahaha:

She held the world upon a string, but she didn't ever hold me. Spun the stars on her fingernails, but it never made her happy, cause she couldn't ever have me // I don't love you I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me? I am out of my mind. Throwing a line out to sea to see if I can catch a dream. // But that girl had so much love. She'd wanna kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time. // She said she'd won the world at a carnival. But I'm sure it didn't ruin her, it just made her more interesting.

OKAY that was a looooooong tangent for that one I hope like it sort of makes sense why I associate that one with her???

Finally Nicky, I'll make this much shorter lol. I'm not sure how people feel about these two in general, but I actually *love* them together tbh, and I hope we learn a bit more about their relationship (er what it was) in canon at some point! Still, everything I said about Cass probably being the type to rush into things probably applies here too, and ultimately I imagine that these two likely had a relationship that was... passionate, and intense, and exciting, but maybe not what either of them really needed in the long run.

So funnily enough

The song is actually called "Nikki", by Forever the Sickest Kids. And, well I think you'll catch my drift with a lot of these lyrics and why it makes me think of them so much aha:

He was the man of every hour. He was a party all alone. He'd give his jacket to a stranger in the cold. She was the beauty queen from Dallas. She could put a lion on a leash. And before he knew himself, she knew the man that he could be. // It's alright Nikki, it's alright, baby, you can let you hair down. // She was an angel craving chaos. He was a demon seeking peace. But they were each other's toxic cure called codependency.

And yeah! So yeah there's a lot of lines in that song that makes me think of them- more than the ones I listed here but for me these are kinda the standouts?

ok ok ok I made this post waaaaaaay too long Happi I'm so sorry ahahaha thank you for entertaining my thoughts I hope some of this makes sense??? I have a lot of feelings about Cassandra but they can be hard to convey!

Also, I'm starting to get a bit lazy, so I hope you'll forgive me if I leave you with my favorite song for Hermie (and well Oakworthy) without much of an explanation. Which is

"A guy that I'd kinda be into" from the musical Be More Chill :]

I think this one is *very* funny for both of them- especially cause of how many of the lyrics you could read as both Normal and Hermie's POV? If you haven't heard this song, go listen and I think you'll understand.

#THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ASK SORRY THIS WAS SOOOOO LONG #💜💜💜 #SERIOUSLY MY B #also please ignore any of my Sparrow and/or Cass HCs that don't work for you and read the fic as you will it that's what I want haha #I hope you have a lovely lovely day Happi! 💜 #dndads #cassandra swift #sparrow oak #nicky freeman #sparrow oak garcia #nick foster #hermie the unworthy #dungeons and daddies #dndads playlist

[the-very-rubiest]

I've been thinking about a cute lil fic where someone in the audience holds a asexual or aromantic flag and that's how maybe joel or aleksi find out that that's a thing you can be and figures out that he is normal after all and there's other people feeling the same

Hey anon, so I've had this ask chilling in my inbox for a while now, bouncing back and forth in my head a little with some disjointed ideas. I'm definitely not gonna write it, and this is not at all what you requested (tonally), but some thoughts:

First of all, I can't imagine them recognizing the flags at a glance so the first thing that happens in my head is that someone bumps into the person holding the flag and goes, "What country is that? I don't know the flag—Joonas, you know all the flags. What flag is that?" (Joonas: "Uh, I don't think that's a country flag…") Cue laughter from the fans in question and an explanation, which leads to:

"What's that?" More explanation. Explanation processing, please hold. And this is where I deviate from your idea, anon, because as common an experience as the "I'm normal after all" feeling is, I'm also a big fan of the "Wait a minute, people are feeling WHAT? I thought everyone was exaggerating!"

Definitely not because I had that experience, no no.

Results would still be the same, a whole lot of introspection and feelings of "huh, I guess that makes sense" and finally a better understanding and acceptance of yourself. I just uh…had to be funny about it. Sorry.

(More serious thoughts under the cut because this is kind of a touchy subject.)

That said, I can see your scenario happening especially re: Joel and the aro flag. Regardless of his actual identity (which we don't know and can't speculate on), Mr. "I don't know what love is" definitely has a difficult enough relationship with romance to at least question if the label might fit him after learning about it. What happens from there, I shall leave to an author who's more comfortable writing about all this because TBH I'm always iffy about fanworks assigning identities to real people, no judgment to people who do, it just feels a bit risky to me. Ship fic I don't mind as much because it's more of a silly little what-if scenario and less focused on something this personal, does that make sense?

(But also, as an asexual myself who has encountered quite a few oblivious aspecs in my lifetime…you ever hear someone talk and wonder if you should alert them to the existence of the ace/aro spectrum, just in case? Like "Hey, you good over there or do you need some vocabulary?" because regardless of their actual orientation, people can only benefit from having that info to help understand themselves. So…I'm not saying someone should actually take one for the team and wave an aro flag in his face buuuuuut—?)

#i struggled a lot typing this out hELP can you tell i'm very off the record + 10 km outside my comfort zone #anyway if someone wants to take anon's idea and write it please do #ask #anonymous #fanfic tag #nonsense tag #commentary #happy ace week y'all!

[happybird16]

(Kinda tmi?? Idk)

Hm...after reading what you and that anon talked about (I was thinking about it for a while too), I'm getting way more convinced I'm aroace... it's weird to say it actually... I never felt any interest in anyone (sexual or romantic), I do recognize when someone's attractive though; I'm considered an attractive person too, but every single time someone shows they're interested in me i feel so weird. I feel kinda bad in a way because I'm always rejecting, but because i feel nothing towards them I also don't care??? It's weird, I just don't feel anything; meybe some hyper-fixation for a couple of days and if the person is annoying just some hours lmao

I don't ever want to marry and don't really wan't a relationship; can't see myself in one even though i know aroace people can, and some want to, be in one.

I do love thinking about sex, masturbating, etc, but I only feel this need when thinking about fictional people and very rarely people i couldn't ever have like a celebrity (rarely because I'm not attracted to any of them, I was once for this one artists but meh idk real people might be the problem)

Idk what to do.... Levi, specially Levi, is the only fictional character that made me feel free with being sexual and fantasize about romance without feeling weird. It makes me happy, but again, kinda weird because idk what to do irl. I'm okay being alone, it's just confusing thinking about being aroace when I was convinced I was pansexual just bcs I find anyone attractive

Let me know if your uncomfortable with me posting this response publicly, I’ll delete it immediately.

It’s sort of exactly the same for me. I’ve always had the hardest time even telling when someone is hitting on me, but once I realize it it’s immediately an ‘oh god no’ feeling. I feel hot and itchy and uncomfortable and just want out. Even back in high school. Heck, probably even middle school.

I’ve always sort of felt bad too. Like they’re interested in me, why can’t I respond in kind. Everyone else is always obsessed with pairing off like it’s the end all be all, but I just can’t. Like I almost feel like I should be obligated to respond. I also can not tell what flirting is or isn’t, so I feel like I might accidentally lead people on all the time. :(

I’ve never really found an irl person attractive, or even cute. Tbh most people sort of look the same to me. There’s only like a handful of basic facial features and they all sort of blur together. Maybe I have face blindness?? Idk. Anyways, I can find individual features attractive, i’m sure my obsession with muscles is apparent, but never the whole person, ya know? Abs, nice. Arms, nice. Whole thing, ew. Not just for men either, I often find individual features of women nice to look at as well.

Also the whole fact that that’s a bother person, a whole human with their own thoughts and desires, really stresses me out. Like I’m never sure exactly what they want from me, what they think of me and what they expect.

I think anytime I’ve ever shown any interest in someone is because I more or less felt obligated to. Either by society or their interest. There was no actual sexual or romantic intent on my part.

I’m not an expert, and it’s a spectrum so we’re not doubt very different, but don’t be afraid of labeling yourself as something and changing your mind later. It’s your life. You do what you need and if anyone says anything that’s their problem.

I’m not even 100% on the label of aroace for myself, partially because of the comments I’ve gotten from people I know about it. That if I’m asexual I shouldn’t feel any desire ever. No thirsty thoughts and no masturbation. That if I’m Aromantic, how can I watch and enjoy romance movies/shows? Like people don’t understand basic human empathy is what makes us enjoy those things. I’m not emotionless, I’m just a little different.

In the end, you don’t even have to pick a label, just do what makes you feel comfortable. Enjoy being alone and fantasizing about Levi just like me, lol. Ive basically just decided not to stress about it, and just focus on myself since I have no desire to pair off anyways.

(Though I have been contemplating ‘coming out’ on my Facebook next month and urg)

#asks #moots #aroace #lqbtqa

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

If it’s not too personal a question, how did you realize you were aro?

I realized I was aspec a while back and thought it was clear cut asexuality, but I find myself much more inclined to the idea of sex than romance (ik aces can want sex but my ideal relationship is like, best friends who have sex which seems pretty aro)

Most of the time it doesn’t bug me to not know if I’m arobi or acebi but I love to hear from other aros how they found their identity!

Hello!

Of course it's not too personal! (I post far more personal things here than "how did you figure out you were queer" haha)

Very similar to how you say here, tbh, simply

This might get long, so here's a readmore

As a teenager, at first I thought I don't like the idea of doing the same as everyone around me, all that pairing up, y'know - I didn't know about the split attraction model (is it still called that?) then, and I'm still working on my body image issues a decade later tbh, so I thought - don't like the idea of penetrative sex + don't want PDA, must therefore = asexual aromantic

Then I um "had an experience" with my best friend at the time, who came out that week (after) as a trans man - years before I knew that of myself - so then I thought, Oh! I do like sex! - or at least, y'know, fully clothed making out that made me cum. Uh. So, I can't be ace?? But I'm still not sure about the "sex with men" bit (I was 16/17 at this point, and not very uhhhh knowledgeable) and I still don't want to date someone, and women are ????, soooo, still aroace, right? (I didn't have a word for it til I was 18, at that point I think I said to myself something like "I just don't fancy anyone")

Then I looked into it a bit more, found out about AVEN, and all the different names for all sorts of things - I forget most of them now, but there's a one where you like um like masturbation or uh doubles-in-theory but not in practice? And I thought, Ah, that sounds like me!

Through all of this I'm also slowly figuring out my gender, too (??? -> must be a girl, right? -> no? -> no! -> genderqueer -> transman -> (now) agender transmasc) and sort of flopping about going "is it that I don't like sex or that I don't like my body?" and while I do sort of have the answer to that one now (do like sex, don't like penetrative really, working on the 'liking my body' bit, have not had the opportunity to try "doubles" so the jury's out on that one) um. I've forgotten where that sentence was going okay new paragraph

Anyway somewhere there with the "lots of new words" thing, I realised like if uhhh if the pressure's off y'know, if I'm kinda allowed to think about stuff just in theory, instead of um. thinking about it in practice? that's not a thing. idk the word. Anyway, I found myself a bit more freedom in thought, and realised that, oh, actually, I am bisexual (in the way most people use pansexual, nowdays, but I like bi better as a word, idk - this realisation is only sometime in the last 2, 3 years, tho I've been calling myself queer for simplicity's sake for about 8, 9 years)

During all this, I haven't had the opportunity much for "romance", not that I want it - or, at least, I didn't want it with those specific people, and haven't found myself daydreaming about anyone else, so while I identify as aro and can't really see that changing, I spose no one can see the future (unless that's the amatonormativity speaking)

Basically my two oh three actually experiences have been

- best friend snogging, I moved country that week, he came out to me on facebook messenger and I said "you do you" basically cs I didn't know what else to say, and then we texted as friends for 6 months or so

- friend from work asked me out to dinner and I didn't know it was a date until he insisted on walking me to the train and kissed me on the cheek to say goodbye, and then I had a panic attack on the way home overthinking everything I'd done

- friend (aroace) asked me out over lunch and I said yes cs I couldn't see a reason not to, spent the day at their house holding hands and being introduced to the online polycule (what!! Obviously fine but uh quite a lot), went home, panicked, spent three days overwhelmed with the windowblinds closed and then texted them to say 'sorry but no thank you :(' (paraphrasing) but we still are alright friends I think

Uhhhh so maybe it's uh maybe it's all that ^ or maybe I am aro, but right now, and for all of my past, relationships don't really appeal to me, I can't imagine that like applied to my life and I don't want to - so I'm aro! I feel comfortable and happy with the word as it applies to me, y'know

I explain it to my mother as like "it sounds like too much fuss", and she's just divorced so she laughs and agrees, and it is basically true, really haha

I don't know how much that's helpful, but there you go anyway

I say anyway too much. Hm. Anyway. Bye.

#asexuality #aromantism #ace #aro #whyyyy does the readmore keep moving ffs

[noa-ciharu]

Ok dear. I am a hopeless romantic mixed in with a heavy dose of cynicism brought on by hard-cold reality. BOOM.

But I am very curious about what it means to be aromantic? More importantly, what is your experience of being aromantic--especially as you consume works like TB?

p.s. sort of off topic: Have you read Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai? I suspect you will enjoy it.

First thing first: #mood (and RIP it must be exhausting energy vise). Also yeah I did, but when I was an idiot teen of 15-16 so I don't remember anything. Looks 👌 and complex so I'll give it a try.

So text book definition of aromantisism is "not experiencing romantic attraction towards others" but what you already most likely than not though about "wait but what's romantic attraction then", that's a million dollars question. It has to be described abstractly so it can fit vast majority of folks with different experiences and stances and romantic orientations. So this sums it up:

Intent part is most important in my opinion: if actions is meant with romantic/platonic/sexual/emotional intent then it's exactly aiming to form that kind of bond. There's a whole place of Queer platonic relationships which fall out of relationships hierarchies but I won't be going into that here (but it is 👌); I'd like it but it's a pipe dream since people here are conservative af (East Europe).

So in my personal experience, it is isolating. Not because of not feeling romantical attraction (I've never felt it, not even a crush) but because of amatonormativity and society's expectations. People don't believe me when I say I have no desire to form romantical bonds. My own mother doesn't. Also I very very slowly form platonic ones as well since I always form intellectual bonds (except when I meet empaths, I mean real ones, with them I surprisingly fit in well) and people well... to be blunt, non stereotypical ones willing to discuss things out of tunel vision are far and in between (also most of them try to fit me in a box as well, which just can't do, since I dont fit into a stereotype). Few times I've been called selfish and a monster without emotions by people irl (but the fact that their words did hurt proves devoid of emotions part wrong; I just rarely show them). Do I want a romantic relationship? I'd say in theory maybe but I don't deal well with intense emotions; but in practice it's full no: that relationship would never be satisfactory on my part as I'd be pushed to do things I dont like (as well as sexual ones, I'm ace too) but it'd be too for other person because they'll feel like they're being denied their "right to be romantic and sexual". And why would I put myself and other person in such dilemmas only because it's a "right thing to do".

Few times girls in class teased me about some boys and I felt something which I thought might be crush - flashnews it was anxiety and stress! Not butterflies in stomach, also it stopped the same instant teasing stopped so it was all about them, not said boy. Once I entered a relationship, lasted 5 days because I realized i didn't want to pretend i like someone that way. Didn't want to alter and change myself into something unrecognizable and fake as well as push over my boundaries for someone who i'd never have common language with and would never care about truly. Call it ego-centric and it is, but I'm honest to myself at least. Part of me cringes when I see romance irl, especially pda or amatonormative behavior. Tbh I've struggled for some time about being "normal and fitting into crowd" even if such concept is pure absurdity and indefinable (due to aromantisism and being generally disinterested in other people). So it's a slap to the face in a way, especially since society thinks those who prefer to stay single are inferior in a way and there's something wrong with them (which is not true, but you know...)

So what about media then? I like romance in it on conditions: 1) not stereotypical and cheesy (I enjoy casual shojo from time to time tho) 2) is complex and has other themes beside romance 3) something just clicks (I suppose this is how romance feels irl, thus nothing ever "clicked" into place for me). Although i rarely ship things (why I love Clamp so much is because their love doesn't try to fit in amatonormative's definition of love and bond is always unique). Sometimes if I get so into a ship i can feel a 1% of what might be called romantic attraction, towards noone in particular, just butterflies in the stomach kinda thing. But then again, as a writer, I do experience same things when writing other emotions... maybe it's due to empathy, idk rly.

Since you've mentioned Tokyo Babylon, I'm going to drop an unpopular opinion: as an aro, I was (after shock and disbelief) satisfied with the ending and deconstruction of "love will fix everything!!!" trope. Words can't describe how much I hate that mentality. Of course, Seishirou's certain actions in that ending strem from cruelty and apathetic amoral stances on human life, not aromantisism in any way.

Let's note here that when someone says they dont feel romantic attraction it doesn't mean love altogether (platonic, caring, family, pets, things in life, hobbies ect.) but in a way it feels like you have to compensate for lack of quote quote "something as important as love". There are loveless aros after all. So yea, I don't face oppression and aggressive threats as trans, gay/lesbian, bi, nb folks, but aro and aces have it bad too as well as demis and rest of aspec ("how can you know?", "why you dont like me?, "when will you get bf, what about kids??", " that's fake", "go to therapy", "you monster", "you have to get married one day", " you're just trying to be morally above and shame on people", "dont try to be special", ect.)

In the end, love means different things to different people and I've never experienced anything towards irl person to label it as "ah this might be (romantic) attraction". Some people might pity me but I'm completely fine with being aro, what I'm not fine with is how society responds to aro and aspec people.

#asks #aro #arophobia #amatonormativity #aromantic

[twigstarpikachutroll22]

sorry if you’ve answered this question already, but… how did you figure out you were aromantic? i’ve been wondering a bit recently if i’m aro, or just haven’t found the right person yet, or am in some kind of denial.

like, i have a lot of fictional crushes. but i very rarely develop crushes irl and i don’t even know if they’re actually crushes or not. i struggle to see myself in any kind of romantic relationship. i struggle to consume romance fiction, whether it’s fanfics or romance movies or whatever. i don’t know why, it’s either boring or cringeworthy to read/watch?

but at the same time i constantly want attention that could be interpreted as romantic (if that makes sense) idk

pls help lmao i’m so confused abt this i can’t figure out if i’m aromantic or not

Not sure how much help I can offer from my own experiences, 'cause I pretty much always knew I was aro. Since I was like, three, I was very certain "I'm not interested in romance, I don't want it in my life, I'm not going to fall in love, I don't want to fall in love" and that just never changed.

Though I did go through a brief questioning phase in middle school where I wasn't sure whether I was actually going to stay like that all my life or whether I was just a late bloomer (the latter possibility was horrifying to me and still is tbh). And my brain started doing this thing then where I would like, check with myself to make sure I didn't have a crush on the person I was interacting with, and my brain would like, try to imagine me kissing them, and I would immediately feel disgusted and revolted and push that thought away. Not fun.

I think everything you've said does sound pretty arospec, I could be wrong though. Can't really tell you for certain, I think ultimately that can only be done by you, I do think it sounds like you might be arospec though.

For the not-sure-if-the-rare-crushes-you-have-irl-are-actually-crushes part, maybe try this really good checklist. Also this comic. I also tried to put together a list of crush symptoms myself based on what I've heard people describe in their lives or in fiction.

Also it has been said that labels don't have to be permanent, that they're like refrigerator magnets and not stickers, that you can just use the ones that you feel like right now without worrying if they won't fit like that forever, and then change them down the line if you need to. So like. There's that.

I dunno lksdhglsagsorry

[vote-for-eggman]

Really? Well, I've had a very different experience anyway. The vast majority of the time I've heard someone call themselves "queer" and they've elaborated on it it's always ended up something like "demisexual" or "aromantic" or "polyamorous" all shit that, without the gay identifier (because otherwise they'd be using that) basically means straight. But they can't be straight!! God forbid!! So they make sexualities around what they like to do in bed or in relationships rather than WHO they (1)

want to do, and then call themselves queer.

aromantic i’d concede is a thing but “romanticism” is really hard to qualify which is why it (and all ace discourse) is not something i care about.

in regards to your experience, yeah, maybe. idk, again, we’re all individuals so you might have run into more people with vapid “identities” who call themselves “queer.”

The root of this and a lot of LGBT internal issues is the fact that LGBT-ness has been sensationalized. 

In short: this is both our own fault and the nature of being, at one point, disrespected by society.

In long? My opinion?

Under the cut:

LGBT people, especially younger ones, overcompensate for their sexuality and make it something more than their sexuality SOMETIMES. Personally, I think it is just a different shade of younger people’s striving to be something “MORE” than themselves. Additionally, their internal conflict with them not being able to find themselves (as pretty much all young people do) and their sensationalization of their sexuality manifests into making “gay” as their personality, rather than figuring out who they are as a person. This also creates some personality insecurities within themselves, because they are putting themselves into these arbitrary boxes, rendering them as stale, bland, and boring. I am not innocent of this. Keeping up? 

This is the root of “queer” as identity and weird obsessions with “heterophobia” (both passive aggressive behaviors), gender(?), gay politics and, god kill me with this one, “gay oppression” in the West.

Combine those issues with the fact that:

a. many gay men tend to be bombastic 

b. marriage equality is what MANY people my age grew up watching

c. LGBT were once and still ARE in areas of the country and MANY MANY MANY areas around the world, oppressed.

You get the sensationalization of LGBT. Because gay men are the “loudest” of this demographic, you get a lot of “life of the party” vibes pressured onto other LGBT people and espoused to the general public. Marriage equality feeds into the whole “oppression” thing; seeing gay people have a huge victory has people my age yearning to do something similar in some twisted vicarious manner. Hence, “slacktivism.” And LGBT people being disrespected and oppressed (ACTUALLY oppressed) in other countries is an issue we need to fix, but I feel certain people of the demographic use the pain of others (people they don’t even know in other countries or, say for example, the Orlando shooting) to aggrandize themselves. How? These are the same people who use “gay” as their personality. Which they make themselves a “holier-than-thou” position, too. This is where you get “representation” discourse, the other half of gay politics and oppression, and so on.

Kept up?

Yeah I kinda went all over the place. 

This is by no means all of LGBT people. Heck, this might just be the loud minority. I don’t think so, tbh, but regardless of the quantity, it still is a concerning amount. I don’t like being lumped in with these types.

I still consider myself a part of the community, but I’m basically a reformist at this point. We make a mockery of ourselves (and not in the cute way, lmao) and then blame others for being disrespected. Sometimes, disrespect is not warranted. But sometimes it is. Fair or not, who is to say. 

Regardless, yeah, the root of most SOCIETAL issues among LGBT people in the west stems from the internal and externals forces creating the sensationalization of the demographic.

#discourse #lgbt discourse