#tbh I'm already disappointed lol what else is new
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i'm ngl it's because i recently read fight club, But i'm thinking a lot lately about castration and the true/deepest implications of it irt nero and sporus and tom and greg. obviously we've got tom's line about greg being "castrated on pay" and some pretty solid analysis on that being a matter of tom keeping greg dependent on him, but tbh even with said meta posts...
like, i'm sorry, but it's a weak line. it feels just as strangely on the nose as shiv falling down the stairs, and in fact like a line that exists specifically to match shiv falling. it almost even seems like a last-minute rush to complete Following Up The Nero And Sporus Thing, like they did the first part and managed to get all the way to the last episode before realizing they'd forgotten to do the second thing, so they had to reach for anything they could relate castration to without having to film a new scene. this feels especially evident/likely in the fact that there is NO way greg's salary is actually getting docked to the degree that tom implied. it's markedly disappointing, too, in the way that setting it up with shiv literally falling down stairs had the audience looking forward to how the rest of the overt symbolism would play out. castration on pay was the most mundane and least expected possible conclusion, lol. and not at all on par with the literal fall. like if that is the castration we were actually waiting for the whole time...
it's also all overkill, for that matter, considering that the s3 finale fit "pushed his wife down the stairs and married sporus" thing perfectly fine and a perfect amount of vague. like tom ALREADY betrayed shiv, symbolically "killing" her, and had an ancient-roman-wedding-handshake agreement with greg about his soul. even tom and greg's initial dynamic in the final season often feels like that of a married couple. which begs the question: why have the stuff in s4 on top of that? it may very well be simply one of the many marks of s4's drop in quality, caused by a myriad of irl factors. or it could possibly be on purpose to specifically bring home something else about the nero and sporus story. maybe it's to reinforce the tomshiv divorce and also tom and greg's marriage after all the rapid shifts in dynamic. who knows.
but what i DO know is that i wanna get to the bottom (lol) of the castration symbolism/motif. so i'm gonna go through everything that could possibly inform the audience's interpretation.
i'll start with the least significant, which i believe is the reality of castration in ancient rome and in the circumstances around the irl nero and sporus. part of why this falls on the bottom rung is the fact that historical accounts of nero especially with sporus are hotly contested. another reason is that the story tom tells is one that not only omits many details in a technically misleading/recontextualizing way, but also adds details that are present in no known accounts.
so: WHY was sporus castrated? there are 2 main possibilities/reasons.
to maintain his youthful [and therefore feminine] beauty. the real sporus was most likely around 16 when nero had him castrated. and the practice of castration to preserve youth had precedence. basically, twinks were REALLY in. it's alleged that sporus may have already been more effeminate (and sexually attractive) than average. but it's also said that sporus bore an uncanny resemblance to poppaea, which nero chose him for specifically and wanted to maintain.
in order to marry him with legal/social sanction. ancient roman society, rather than being built upon the heterosexual, was more built upon the Top/generally masculine. Eunuch was a gender class/category essentially equivalent with Woman, which allowed sporus to specifically be nero's wife. this didn't mean that his marriage to sporus was necessarily seen as good and normal, only technically acceptable.
and i have a ways more to go with the analysis but i'm gonna say right here that i do not think the first reason bears any significance to tom and greg. firstly due to that there is no textual evidence that tom wants greg to be explicitly feminine, even compared to himself, and a LOT to the contrary. tom consistently invites greg to join him in performing masculinity and gaining power through it, case in point the "let's fight like chickens" scene that directly follows the nero and sporus story. secondly, sporus's possible resemblance to poppaea does not track to greg and shiv more than incidentally; greg being shiv's cousin doesn't directly earn tom anything. but more importantly, imo, is the fact that what would have made nero want sporus to look like poppaea is in direct contrast with both the story tom tells AND the way their arc plays out.
so NOW, to demonstrate this, let's look at the irl poppaea's death/murder, which happened during her second pregnancy. different historians (even those alive at the time) have different theories for how it went down. who knows how much truth they're based in, bc there's a clear heavy bias against nero, but they're all we have anyway and therefore all tom would have had. here they are:
nero kicked her in the stomach in a fit of rage, while she was fighting with him about how much time he spent at the races (main theory/rumor)
nero kicked her in the stomach in a casual outburst
nero "leapt upon her belly" either accidentally or on purpose
nero poisoned her (uncommon rumor, most likely bs)
she died through no fault of nero's at all, simply bc of complications with her pregnancy (this has the most evidence, and is believed by many modern historians)
you'll notice a complete lack of stairs-related death theories, and in fact a near total lack of Nero Purposefully Murdered Poppaea theories. the general idea is that nero deeply mourned poppaea's death (and was remorseful, if it was his own fault), and proceeded to replace her with sporus, even calling him by her name.
which feels like a good segue into the more significant story of nero and sporus to analyze: the one that TOM told.
Sporus was a young slave boy. He was Nero's favorite. And, uh... you know what Nero did to him?
Well, Nero... pushed his wife... down the stairs. And then he had Sporus castrated and he married him instead. And he gave him a ring. And he made him dress up like his dead wife.
...I'd castrate you and marry you in a heartbeat.
without looking into the actual story, this would sound like nero murdering his wife in order to marry sporus. with bringing up sporus first, it even sounds like nero met sporus and started favoring him prior to killing poppaea. which is also overtly analogous to tom and greg's relationship arc.
despite what tom must have read in his book, and what one could very easily imagine him, a Wife Guy, latching onto in that book... tom isn't telling greg about the tragedy of an emperor who accidentally killed his wife and then had to replace her with a young boy. tom literally invents a method of death that there is NO preexisting source for. furthermore he chooses one that does not sound remotely unintentional. at best he keeps in line with themes that suggest a violent miscarriage. but he removes all notions of an accident. he turns it into an unambiguous, purposeful uxorcide.
so, since all notions of trying to keep sporus looking like poppaea are not only unfitting as potential parallels, but also utterly irrelevant to the version of events that tom tells, and since we know tom twists and omits many other details (like what happens just a year into their marriage) anyway... what reasons DOES tom have for bringing up castration in this story? here's the possibilities i can come up with:
to make it sound less overtly romantic through means of the bizarre. classic diversionary tactic. literally without the castration it would sound undeniably like he's just saying "i read about this ancient roman gay marriage. an emperor murdered his wife so that he could marry a boy. i would like to do that with you also :)"
to make it sound less gay, specifically, because of nero's power in the situation. this of course calls back to that second reason for the actual sporus to be castrated. it's not gay if i've made you a eunuch, greg.
to emphasize the cruelty on nero's end. tom often puts himself in the role of a villain, especially irt his behavior with greg. considering also that this whole scene follows tom talking about how he's going to prison (AND that the next time he calls greg sporus it's in the scripts before the diner scene, where he agrees to sacrifice himself and go down for greg), it would make sense for him to buffer this confession with the caveat of what a bad person he is, like express in SOME way how insane his feelings are and how terrible he knows it is that he feels this way about greg. tom is notoriously unable to make normal apologies either, so. it tracks.
i think all of these are true, and i'm sure most would agree. i'm also sure most who've read this far are in full agreement that tom fixated on the story of nero and sporus in particular because it was a gay relationship with just enough ambiguity that he's able to relate to it without panicking. hell, the "he gave him a ring" line alone doesn't even evoke an ancient roman marriage nearly as much as a modern american one. i can't find even any sources that specifically mention a ring from nero to sporus, so i imagine tom invented that as well.
BUT while i'm here i do still want to mention a couple other queer things about nero to drive home that it's not just incidental gayness but overt homosexual desire being portrayed, as well as to emphasize that second reason that the irl nero may have had to castrate sporus:
prior to knowing sporus, nero had a mock-wedding as part of festive role-reversals during saturnalia. in this wedding he took the role of a bride, marrying a different freedman.
this is apocryphal and practically historical fiction, and may also specifically be due to perceived deviancy in nero, but it's old enough (like 13th century) that it's lowkey in the nero "canon" that he had womb envy and was obsessed with being the one to get pregnant
okay so NOW... how does all this translate into the actual events demanded/foreshadowed/symbolized by this story? if pushing shiv down the stairs is the betrayal that keeps her from being able to block the gojo deal (but also shiv is shown to fall down a couple real stairs)... and marrying sporus is making the "deal with the devil" (AND the sticker on the forehead)... then what's the castration? what was the first, less on-the-nose-and-simultaneously-meaningless castration, at least?
my best answer is that it's tom getting greg to drop his brightstar buffalo plans and follow him instead. because if death is just corporate death, then your testicles/manhood is your independence. tom says you're a joke, you can't function on your own, you need me (i need you). he's insecure that greg will leave if he has the option to do so. fair enough.
......and yet i come back to my initial disappointment, because that is barely different than the pay castration. and it's redefining greg's symbolic testes to something that tom gave him in the first place, thus practically retconning the first castration. but if that's it, does shiv's literal fall also replace her kick out of the company? that would sure be stupid! is the point of rehashing the symbolism to be stupid? to have meaningless stuff follow up the more significant events? even if that was the case, wouldn't you at least be doing it to give a visual element to the symbols? if shiv gets actual stairs, WHERE are greg's actual balls? or ANY balls!!!! greg even started wearing grey suits which he hadn't done before (but shiv had), and got a "ring" in his final scene. where's the FUCKING balls, huh?????
(anyway)
occam's razor, i think, may be that the meaninglessness of the castration specifically is the point. tom's insecurity that greg will leave if he has the option to (that greg would never actually want him but only need him), has been present for basically the duration of the show. it's just a character trait, and thus doesn't even work as foreshadowing when that just means "he's gonna keep doing what he's been doing." then, take that second reason--the purely pragmatic, not based in heterosexual-adjacent desire reason--for nero to castrate sporus. aka the only reason that makes sense for the way tom spins the story.
(it's also a motivation that leaves room for not even actually doing it. sporus wasn't going through rapid masculinization or anything. and they only lived another year. you could get away with just claiming that you did it for a while, probably.)
i should say there IS technically a third reason, postulated by modern scholars, for sporus's castration: to intentionally humiliate a potential rival for the throne. imagine if tom had told greg about nero and sporus upon first meeting. obviously things changed very quickly, but if all castration is here is tom keeping greg on a tight leash, then it works. and if the castration is nothing, then greg nearly tanking tom's plan out of naivety can be a nothing version of sporus wanting revenge. and shiv falling down real stairs can, instead of actually intending to set up a meaningful castration, be a red herring in that regard and simply foreshadow her pregnancy.
and that could be it. but... i've got One More Thing. maybe the most significant of all. lightning round:
who or what, in modern day where tom and greg live, actually IS castrated?
animals
specifically dogs
hmmmmmm
and why are DOGS castrated?
to reduce sexual and territorial aggression
reduce other unwanted behaviors
to keep them from breeding
okay. think greg's newfound sexual confidence in s4 and tom's distaste for it. tom's continued anxiety that greg's independence might lead him to leave him. think greg being tom's attack dog and how that nearly backfires at the very end. greg approaching tom at the end like a begging puppy.
think full circle: who's the rescue pup, i'll take care of you, i've got you...
i feel justified in recontextualizing all of this, and i come back to fight club:
Valley of the Dogs. Where even if they don't kill you, if someone loves you enough to take you home, they still castrate you.
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2023 creative year in review! 💦💦
The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.
costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!
the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.
thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.
More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.
like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.
I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.
in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.
for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads
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Bitter Work Re-Watch
This is a fantastic episode not just because we learn more about earth-bending, but because we learn more about all the elements through Iroh's lessons with Zuko. Toph teaching Aang earth-bending & Iroh attempting to teach Zuko lightning-bending allowed the show to continue to lean into the theme of Aang & Zuko's journeys paralleling one another. (The show said Zukaang rights yet again!)
Toph already revealed herself to be a little bratty & selfish last episode when she was unwilling to help with chores & in this episode, she showed that brash asshole side that I associate most strongly with her character. These aren't insults btw, I was delighted by the new splash of personality that Toph brought to the show on my first viewing, & I feel that way again re-watching. Toph is a very entertaining character. Her bluntness, pushiness, & delight in violence & chaos make her fun. But, if it ended there, she'd be an ultimately funny cartoon character but not a compelling or complex character among the other nuanced characters of ATLA. Luckily, it does not end there, or I don't think it does. Why does Toph behave the way she does in this episode? What's making her boss Aang around & insult him & push him to his limits? The obvious answer is to force him to face things head-on with his feet on the ground so he can become a strong earth-bender. However, I do think there's more to it.
The previous couple of episodes illustrate that Toph is always treated as weak & helpless & she hates it. In 'The Blind Bandit,' Toph's earth-bending teacher, Yu, insists on keeping her at the basic level & is shocked when she shows talent. In 'The Chase,' Toph says this to Iroh: "People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself." In 'Bitter Work,' Toph says this to Aang when he messes up: "Yeah, you are sorry! If you're not tough enough to stop the rock, then you can at least give it the pleasure of smashing you instead of jumping out of the way like a jelly-boned wimp! Now, do you have what it takes to face that rock like an earth-bender?" (I'm also convinced that later when she calls him a "pushover" that's the censored version. We all know she called him something else that starts with "pus" offscreen lol.)
What I'm trying to say is - Toph treats Aang with her own form of respect. Toph is used to being coddled & treated as weak, so teaching Aang without any of that is her way of showing him respect - I'm not saying it's nice, or that anyone would enjoy that teaching method in real life, but I don't think it comes purely from a mean-spirited place. And she did, in the end, compliment him & cheer him on. There is something to be said for people who only cheer you on & compliment you when it's truly deserved tbh, I've always thought so.
I don't have much to say about Aang or Katara in this episode because there's not much to deep-dive into or overanalyze. Aang's reasons for struggling with earth-bending are pretty obvious & self-explanatory & obviously, Katara is going to worry about her friend being mistreated. I also don't have much to say about Sokka other than that the saber-toothed-moose lion was cute but I'm tired of the "Sokka is always the butt of the joke" theme this season. Sokka got a lot of development & badass moments last season & so far he hasn't gotten to do much other than B-plot goofiness this season, which is a bit disappointing.
Iroh & Zuko's scenes in this episode were some of my favorites from them so far. Iroh saying "good" about Zuko's tea while clearly dramatically choking & Zuko's cute little smile when he said "I hope I made it the way you like it" -- that was a great scene. It was funny but also genuinely touching after their time apart. Also, I loved Iroh's discussion of the four elements.
I think that this quote right here is pretty much integral to the entire show:
Fire is the element of power. [Draws the firebending insignia in the dirt.] The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy to drive and achieve what they want. Earth is the element of substance. [Draws the earthbending insignia.] The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. Air is the element of freedom. [Draws the airbending insignia.] The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of humor! [Smiles broadly but returns to a more serious demeanor when Zuko doesn't react at all.] Water is the element of change. [Draws the waterbending insignia.] The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together through anything.
I really enjoy the discussion of all the different elements & what they bring to the table.
Zuko wants to learn lightning bending in case he has to face Azula again. I can no longer find the post that I'm thinking of, but I read a meta once forever ago about how important it was thematically that Iroh actually taught Zuko to redirect lightning rather than create it in the context of his narrative journey away from the Fire Nation & his toxic family. I wish I could just find the post because it went into more detail, but I thought that was an interesting way of looking at it.
Anyway, the last thing I'll say is that Zuko running off to find lightning, in the end, is pretty depressing. The memes about how Zuko runs into a storm & yells at God to strike him down are darkly funny to a point but also in the context of the actual episode....oof. Also, ouch for Iroh. He just had a flashback about his only son who died & then the person he sees as a son in the present asked him to shoot lightning at him. That's....ow.
"You've always thrown everything you could at me! Well, I can take it, and now I can give it back! [Yelling as loud as he can at the storm.] Come on, strike me! You've never held back before!"
I don't know, that's pretty fucking sad. Zuko literally feels like the universe is out to get him, & why shouldn't he? His entire life so far has been about being abandoned & unwanted. I just....ouch.
On a lighter note.
Funny fact: I remember the first time that I watched this episode, I was super confused about what Zuko's actual goal was & I thought that he was literally looking for Azula & it was her that he was yelling at, not the universe. I was so confused about how he thought she could hear him. I have no idea why I took it so literally upon first viewing (I didn't watch this show as a kid btw, this was as an adult) but I did & I was just sitting there like "she's literally probably super far away maybe even asleep & definitely not outside in the storm, babe..." I have no idea what was wrong with me but it's still so funny to me that I thought that. I was so stuck on it afterward too & I tried to talk to my family about it & they were like "girl....I think he was yelling at God not Azula..." & I was like "what? no." It took them forever to make me realize I was being an idiot xD
Oh yes, Iconic Behavior points for this episode: Toph gets 1000 for teaching Aang earth-bending. Aang gets 500 for finally learning, even if it took him forever. Sorry but Katara & Sokka didn't get to do much this episode, so none for them. Zuko gets 1000 for yelling at God to kill him. I'm too lazy to add up points for the season right now but Toph & Zuko made some major strides toward catching up with Azula (don't worry guys, this is me, no one will even come remotely close to competing with her highness for the winner.)
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Sunday, April 14th, 2024! Pt 2 (one day NC 🥳)
10:03am: I went back and reread some posts from earlier in the week and remembered that I was doing really good! I think last night was a one off and a little step backwards, but nothing that can't be overcome again. Things happen. People disappoint us and let us down, doesn't mean we have to become hard and cold to the world.
I'm gonna stay positive and know that
1) fake positivity does turn into real positivity after a while 2) positivity attracts people, friends and that's what I would like.
Stay positive! Definitely still process your trauma, but there's so much good in life! Like that awesome feeling when you have a good day with someone new ❤️ I guess I understand wanting to start fresh with someone because it's exciting! Plus be confident knowing that you were never the problem and omg there's so many guys out there that want a chance with you, honestly things will probably get better with age.
Don't be like the boss, a whole ass pharmacist going back n forth with someone beneath him, petty drama, stress and emotional turmoil. I don't want that life, it's bad for your physical body. When I think about the positive feelings I've been having for about the past two weeks, the tension lifts from my body. I have so much to look forward to. And I can't control anyone else's actions, I can only control my actions and my emotions and how I react to things.
This door closing is just opening up a bunch new ones :) and what one man won't do, another man will ❤️ let's work on me so I can find my forever guy ❤️
I love you
6:53pm: Got home from work and I'm bleeding like crazy. Longest month of my life. New homie sounded like he was gonna come over but I think he chickened out? Lmao that's crazy 😂 Had a nice day at work, ranted to the boss and it helped me a lot. He told me to make a pros and cons list and I said that con side would look crazy 🤣 he said he does the same thing and it helps him, also he said the no contact thing is helping him a lot PLUS this man is wildin OUT like every night is a bachelor party or something and I want to be like him haha. So crazy tho he's just like yeah and then I might get back with his gf after a few months like ???? Guys are insane lmao.
Weirdest thing I have thought about today is how prude he* is. 🤔 I really don't have to explain myself but like, he has the two biggest ho friends I've ever seen and acts like I'm just supposed to be some untouchable angel is WACK. Tbh I wouldn't get back together with him for that alone, it's a major rift in our morals. He thinks he/ his friends can just do whatever but then judges girls for doing the same? Icky, double standard ass mf 🤢 this man belongs in the looney bin after last night. Weird ass said he hopes the guy I end up with has wack dick and he hopes nobody is better than him 🤣 who tf says that
I literally had to lie to this man on facetime so he wouldn't have a meltdown if I told him what I really did, getting piped in our bed by a great guy 😂 crazyyyyy flex bro, but yeah keep doing it in y'all's parents house 🥴 literally just gave me icky goosebumps thinking about that.
Who cares lol I'm glad that part of my life is over. I'm tired of looking stupid tbh. Hesitant to do a # days no contact tracker on here because ik it can be counterintuitive to think about him technically, but shit I already think about him anyway, so I think it'll be a good idea to *try* and if it sucks I'll stop.
1:10am: Going to sleep now, didn't do anything after work today but that's ok :) had yogurt and cereal for dinner and both cats are on my bed ❤️ Spent too much time on my phone but it's ok, too. I think I'm gonna do a beginning of the day and end of the day, then I can kinda track triggers that make me want to reach out to him. Ik it's stress but also ik this will help. Distractions are great, but I want better distractions than just being on my phone lol.
Goals for tomorrow: Last OSCE! Study for exam! Study MOA! I know you hate it but that doesn't matter right now, you gotta grind before you party 🎉 Study for Jesse McCartney ❤️ He doesn't want you to fail your exam 😂
Goodnight, I love you so much I hope you had a good Sunday. I'm listening to crime podcasts while I fall asleep, something I couldn't do with you here lol. Perks of being a bachelorette 🤪 Hella peaceful and everything is easy going.
Day 1 NC complete! ❤️🥳
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Thursday January 4, 2024
It's been a year since I wrote here lol, I'm growing lazier day by day. All I want to do is lay in bed and play games or sleep. A lot of things happened but none really had an impact. 2023 was the worst, I'm glad it was finally over. I can't even recall what exactly happened in that year. It was so forgettable. Full of pains or rather just nothingness. The day after Christmas and Christmas was quite fun, we played games with my cousins so we were loud. I received a total of 2,800 this Christmas. I spent half of it already...
This New Year celebration was really fun as well, I sang my heart out until my throat was dry and hurting. That damned karaoke is rigged, I mostly got low scores, my highest is 99. It sucks, I could've won the money if my score was a perfect 100 but the world decided that my luck this 2024 sucks. I still got a little amount of money tho, I'm still grateful for it. It's quite upsetting that we didn't celebrate it on the literal January 1 tho, We just slept the whole day... My uncle told me he'll bring me some fries but he never came here.
Time flies so fast, can you believe I'm already turning 16 this year? I don't want to grow old yet. I used to want to grow old and go work but now that I'm feeling a little old, it highkey sucks. I went to school today, Our school started on January 3rd but my stomach was hurting and I felt lazy so I didn't attend school. You know, My mom was waking me up today and she told me I even stood up but then went back to bed. I had no recollection of that moment, It feels like I'm slowly turning into that pandemic lindsey again. It sucks. I feel like I've given up. I want to change myself, I want to eat a lot and gain weight and do so much things for myself but I cant. I really wish I can.
School was pretty much the same, It was kind of fun tho. I couldn't connect to the school's wifi so it was boring. My only source of entertainment was the main characters are infuriating but they're fun, So I kept on reading it anyways. We had two quizzes today, I missed one since I was late. I'll take it tomorrow. The other quiz was hard. Don't judge me for this but, I cheated. Well, everyone in that classroom did. It was funny. Science Quizzes was the only time out classmates actually become one. That's the only time we don't dislike each other. I think our science teacher knows we're cheating, I mean why else will he come out of the classroom during quiz time, no? I think he's giving us time. He's eyeing some people too, If he can't tell we were cheating then he's dumb as hell. It was so obvious.
Our first quarter cards will be released tomorrow, I'm fucked. I don't think I'm in the honours, I want to be tho. I want to prove myself wrong and laugh at my scores and think "holy shit, I actually got in." but I don't think it's possible, I guess I'm being a little pessimistic and I'm actually gonna jinx it and get some low grades but I hope not. I mean I know what my grade is in 3 subjects, my score is disappointing but it was expected. What I didn't expect was me getting an 87 in English. Not that I'm bragging but literally the girl who kept asking me questions in quizzes and lectures, and the same girl who writes shit sentences and is always grammatically incorrect scored 91. I am so pissed. Maybe its because I have some missing assignments and incomplete attendance.. but still...
TBH, that's the only part where I got disappointed like hell. I realized how bad I'm treating myself. But you know, I think I've gotten numb again. I want to cry but I don't feel anything at all. I'm seriously chill about this. It's fucking disappointing that I'm not feeling anything, because that means I gave up on life. But I don't want to. And I can't help but feel disappointed for not feeling anything, anything at all. Like excitement, nervousness etc. I think I'm just tired of this. I don't want to study.
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Once again I'm up late because I can't sleep, I have a headache, and I'm still freaking out about potentially not graduating this semester. What else is new lol. Like fucking hell will this trash ass period of my life just fucking END ALREADY????? I swear to God being in school for so long has felt like I'm living in some weird ass time warp. The worst part is seeing people my age who have been out for a few years and have been able to travel, build their own life, and actually exercise their independence. Not experiencing those things and not knowing when I will when I so badly want to is pretty embarrassing. It makes me feel delayed compared to my peers.
I know everyone's life is different and life isn't linear, but damn, at times I still feel like my childish, awkward 18 year old self. I think it's because I've recognized that I made a lot of decisions I wasn't actually ready for back then, and I'm realizing how shitty the consequences of that are now. I definitely picked the wrong major. However, there's no way I could've just not gone to college because what else was I gonna do. I didn't realize that I wanted to do fashion until that introspective period of the pandemic. I didn't realize that it was okay to change my mind about goals I once had and to potentially disappoint others in the process. Idk why exactly, but before then I thought that changing your mind, growing as a person, whatever you wanna call it was bad. Like it just made me "fake" or "indecisive" or something like that.
I was also still pretty heavily into manifesting/LOA/toxic positivity, which back then I didn't have the life experience, maturity, or desire to confront the fact that that was a bunch of bullshit that I was taught and that basing some of my life decisions on what I thought I was going to "attract" was dumb af. I only stopped believing in that pseudo-spiritual, pseudoscientific garbage about a year ago. Which by the way, leaving that cult (yes, it's a cult idgaf) after practically growing up in it was easily one of the most difficult things I did. Because it took me years to actually sit with myself and recognize that this was a belief system that was not only damaging, but also not at all science or reality-based like these fraudulent-ass LOA gurus say it is. That shit had a HUGE influence o on me, as well.
So I guess I don't necessarily feel like I'm still the dumbass teenage/early 20s that I was before, but I definitely feel like I'm forced to live as that person sometimes, because much of my external environment from that time period hasn't changed. I still go to the campus that I did when I was 18, I still have a lot of the same personal items (ex. clothes, school supplies, accessories, etc.) from back then, I still have to center my life around school like I did back then, etc.
That's why I feel so fucking trapped. Idk if I'll finish this semester. I really hope I do, but there's a chance that I'll graduate next semester. I dread having to do this shit for another semester, because I no longer want live as the sad college girl who's constantly losing her damn mind over grades and classes that I won't even use in real life. Tbh my entire educational experience hasn't been that great, and I've realized that academia just isn't for me. It's not an environment I thrive in and that's fine. For years I felt guilty about being one of those people who didn't live up to the "high school/college is the best years of your life!" ideal. But I don't feel that way anymore because I've realized there's more to life outside of those stressful, and quite frankly, OVERRATED years of your life. Like fr having gone through college and being almost finished, I can honestly say it's not a big deal if you didn't particularly like those years. Trying to get a degree while balancing a job, your social life, your health, and your sanity is fucking HARD and from what I've witnessed, damn near an impossible standard. I don't know a single person who had all of that shit together. There were good moments, but I would NEVER revisit this shit ever again.
I have a lot of plans for after I graduate. I plan on starting my own business and revamping some of the stuff I had for it before. I also plan on travelling more often and getting a new job. I'm most definitely throwing away a bunch of my old shit because I don't wanna be reminded of my unsure, awkward college self. I also plan on hanging out with new people and building new relationships, but this time being smarter about who I hang out with lol.
I know this weird lull won't last forever, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. All I know is that I'm pretty sure that mid 20s, delayed teenage rebellion is probably gonna start after I graduate. Idk how crazy I'm gonna get (it probably won't be that bad lol), but after all of the fuckery I've been through over the years it's most definitely time to get lit fr.
#Words#Thoughts#Personal#Long Post#Ngl I was really emotional while writing the beginning of this post but now I feel a little less shitty
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#well im probably gonna be moving into my parents old apartment#yay but also yk scared as usual#i talked to my friend and she said she was interested in living there together but I highly doubt i can trust her on that#it's kinda annoying how i need to prepare myself to be disappointed#why cant people just be honest like just say what u think yk it seems like she tells me what she thinks I'll be happy with#we've talked about it too#annoying#anyways I'm just thinking about the apartment on my own if she'll join thats cool#i have an idea for the design and everything#that's where it would've been nice to share cost and shit#but it's fine its ok it's a great opportunity for me to get my independence back#and once I'll move I'll start looking for jobs and all it'll be cool#ill be able to have people ovvveeer#and my closest friend lives 5 mins from there it's actually perfect#she lives in her childhood apartment too with her new bf#it'll be so good to be next to friends#so yep yep excited to be on my own just gotta figure out the money situation but ive got it for like 6 months if I'll need it#personal#tbh I'm already disappointed lol what else is new#said friend went to a thing i wanted to go to for years without even asking if i wanted to join#i wouldn't have because there's still a pandemic but i would have liked to been asked yk#sounds petty tbh but i mean i told her about the thing then she went and did the thing without me thats just rude#I'm just constantly being disappointed by this person and it sucks i know this is a small thing but the apartment stuff isn't small at all#so im just gonna assume im moving in alone from now on#3 bedrooms just for me does sound nice#my parents are killing me haha ha#their tenants doesn't know if he's leaving yet but his lease is over soon BUT they dont wanna be the ones to not renew the lease#like its perfectly legal to not do so i dont get why they sold me on the idea of living there if it wasn't a sure thing#i stopped looking for apartments for this and fell in love with the idea of living in my old home and the amount of space I'll have there#i wont be able to find something that cheap anywhere and they can help me so much i dont get it but idk might be spoiled
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hi! for the book ask: 2, 12, and 17? 👀
hello!
2. Did you reread anything? What?
nope! I'm not much of a rereader, tbh. I know i should be rereading faves, and I do try to, but mostly my attention wanders when it's a book I've already read and I just never finish it. Like I tried to reread Alice Oseman's Radio Silence because I was going to do an Osemanverse readathon thing but I just never finsihed it lol (it's fine I'm fine)
12. Any books that disappointed you?
Too many on this list, unfortunately-
• You've Reached Sam by Dustin Thao - I mean. it was a decent enough book. I GUESS? but it just. it was super hyped as this heartbreaking novel that'll leave you in tears and then when I read it it was just. like. eh. you know?
• Loki by Mackenzie Lee - just. really really really annoying. it was fun enough but it was so annoying, I was so disappointed!!! I've read The Gentleman's Guide before (albeit it's been a good number of years) and I remember really enjoying it! And Mackenzie Lee does have the ability to write, like, these really fun but also compelling stories, for sure. But with Loki, I feel like she just. did not decide on a good enough characterization for him. And as a result, the entire book just felt so weird.
• The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X R Pan - I feel like this is the saddest of all. It's definitely a good book, but I just couldn't get into it. I felt like it was all very skin-deep, but that's a very subjective opinion. books about grief are hard to get right, because, for being something of a universal experience, the way people approach grief can be wildly different. and this just wasn't it for me. I was expecting something else, and a lot of the things I had problems with could easily be deliberate choices made by the author to make a certain point...but it just didn't work for me at all! I just did not find myself connecting to the story! I was so sad about it, too! Still am!
17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?
OOOH! I HAVE A NICE LIST FOR THIS TOO!
• Theft of Sunlight by Intisar Khanani - This one's *technically* a sequel to the author's debut novel, Thorn, but it's also more of a companion novel, really, and the beginning of a new series! I'd read Thorn before I read this, and I liked it just fine but this??? This was INCREDIBLEEEEEEE!!! It's just a super fun YA fantasy set in..like...an Arab-esque world and it's really fast paced and fun and it has like political conspiracy and you know. theiving gangs in the city. and all that good stuff! Like if Alana and Six of Crows got married and then had a child, but like better!
• Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé - They marketed this as a YA Dark Academia novel with influences from The Gossip Girl. I have never watched gossip girl and YA dark academia is always on shaky ground with me but oh my god???? this book??? blew me away! did not expect to get sucked in the way I did! it's a little on-the-nose with the message but. like. that somehow added to the story, if that makes sense??
• Warcross by Marie Lu - Listen. I don't know how (because like the GR avg rating for this book is like a 4.2) but I have this very vivid memory of the entirety of booktube in my subscription box just..not enjoying this book when it came out. So I just. didn't even think I'd wanna read it. and then I read it because I was feeling bored one night and like sir??? hello?? I am never trusting booktube (or my memory of it, at any rate) again!! This book is literally SO FUN! Like. Campy as shit, but so so so entertaining!!? (the sequel is kinda eh tho!)
• Velvet Was The Night by Silvia Moreno-Garcia - I won't even say anything, just. everyone go read this book oh my god. It's like a cheesy action flick but like as a book. same emotions were felt. also a little history lesson, which was kinda interesting!
• She Who Became The Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan - I know I already raved about this book but like. GUYS! GUYSSSSS IT'S SO. SO GOOD! Oof I can't wait for the sequel!!!
Thank you so much for the ask! I miss blogging about books, can you tell?! 😭
send me end-of-year book asks!
#end-of-year book asks#asks#long post sorryyy#book recs (kinda)#i should be more brief but i just can't stop yapping afafshgsjs#roublardise
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God Michael! 🤣🤣 I finished playing Shadows of Saintsfour about two days ago during the Freeplay event and my LI was Michael.
I played SOS awhile ago but didn't get pass season 1 because I thought the series was super predictable which made it boring, but WOW DID IT PICK UP IN SEASON 2, esp 3!!! I can't believe it got better within those 2 seasons. I thought the story would be dragging on for no reason, but was pleasantly surprised that season 3 and season 2 were tied together with 1. And they existed in one cohesive story! I can't believe that I would have never, and I mean NEVER, would have touched this story again if it wasn't for the Freeplay event. I completely underestimated this story... I would have missed out this gem. Now I see why this is one of the more well-liked and popular book of the app now.
That being said, I love Michael. No not love, I ADORE him. Seriously.
I never screencap game moments but I had to for Michael. I never felt so much adoration for a character that made me want to do this 🤣🤣. I love the romantic scenes between MC and Michael and the conflict that was presented in season 2. And his asshole-douchery flaw....
In his next line, he says he's worried about you. He's just worried, but still Michael, no need to bring your girlfriend's friend down. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT FRIEND HAS BEEN WITH HER THROUGH THE THICK AND THIN THAN YOU DID IN SEASON 2 and 1!!! (ofc Michael saved MC's life in season 1, but Derek has been sticking with MC when Michael hasn't, which is alot)
However, his sweetness towards MC is altogether too much. I wish he had more interaction with her friends tbh. But now I present the last line (I think) and perhaps the best from Michael...
So sweet 💕. Gosh he is still fallen head over heels for us 😳😭 like the first time. The sex scene with him was also so sweet... the line said everytging about him is familiar, yet there is something new to discover. 🥺I love how protective he is of MC and how absolutely loyal he is to her. He runs away with her FFS!!!! He leaves a gang and family with an equally traumatized brother just to be with her. He leaves everything for MC and if that doesn't scream Bae material, I don't know what else. He is the epitome of a ride or die partner and I cannot, I don't think, can feel the same attachment to the other LI's in this book. Probably John though lol.
I was super anxious during the train station scene because I thought I didn't have enough points with Michael for him to run away with me and the writers made it seem so, so I tapped pretty fast, half reading the lines in trepidation. When I read that he actually came and then we held hands as the train departed... my heart... 😭💔💔💔💔 RC don't play with my heart like that 🤣🤣🤣
That aside, I wish Michael had a bigger role in season 1, 2, and 3. He did in season 1, but he stopped appearing frequently, esp in 2 and 3. I thought he would appear more often because he's MC's bf. And it would make more sense for both of them to search together. Even unromanced, it would still make sense for Michael to hang with MC's group because they're the only ones who are really actively looking for Bobby. This would have led to more dynamics and interest in MC's friend group..alas, this didn't happen. A missed opportunity IMO but I suppose his absence could be explained by this: he has his own life. Lol. Or a different way of doing things. Still doesn't really make sense to me, but oh well. I still very enjoy his route and his development nonetheless.
I also wish other LI's had more moments with MC. I heard Stephanie was sidelined, not sure though because it was as though the main love interests would only appear around the time our chosen love interest appears. Not sure how much that is true since in season 1 I didn't romance her. Strange how she barely appeared in my route though. I thought she would help us more or become part of the gang, but she didn't. Disappointed because I would have def liked another best friend besides Candy and again, more layer to the friend group. Her interaction with Michael would have def be interesting.
I also wish that non-romanced main love interests appeared more than the Black dragons. To me, I don't think their role fit with the story very well if you think about it. Luke and Stephanie def would. Stephanie's grandma is acquainted with Mrs. Hill and is a witch; Luke's family's hold over the cursed painting. I wish the black dragons' appearances were at least shared with the non-romanced ones. Like I wish I knew what Luke and Stephanie were up to in detail. It was seriously strange for Luke to not be around when Bobby was missing and that he never tried contacting us. In both seasons 2 and 3, I couldn't stop wondering what they were up to and missed them (although Luke drugged us lol).
So imo, the black dragons' role should def be less than Luke and Stephanie. Definitely weird, but it is what it is.
Speaking of the Black Dragon's, Aaron is a hot daddy. Like GOD DAMN. I couldn't help but flirt and kiss with him although I was scared that it might ruin my relationship with Michael 🤣🤣🤣. Cherry.. i would like cherry if he was drawn better. At first, I couldn't like him because of his sprite but his personality is ahh, so mischievous, I love it. I would have picked Aaron over cherry though LOL.
I would replay season 3 to romance them again, but the scenes are very few and I already played most of them. I'm just missing their final sex scenes really, so it's not really worth it to replay the entire season just to get their ending and final sex scene lol.
I can't bear to cheat on Michael with Aaron or cherry, I can't do him dirty like that. Like for FFS, Aaron married Luke's sister and we never, at least imo, build the same heart wrenching connection we do with Michael compared to them. And the fact that he freaking left everything in his life for 10 years to be with us!! Like nooo I can't!! 🤣🤣 there aren't enough scenes with the side characters to justify the cheating 🤣🤣 Michael is too gentle and sweet for the hurt.... but i did cheat on him with Derek HAHHAHA mostly because 1996 Michael wasn't available so I thought something happened so I was like ALRIGHT GUESS WE FUCKIN'. I was tempted to choose Derek over Michael because Derek has been with us more than Michael has. Not to mention, he really cares for MC. Wish there was a 3p ending with both of them 😭😭 they're both super loyal to MC and would lay their life down for her.
The same thing with John too. I can't bear to see Michael grieving over MC and MC picking John over him... can you imagine Michael dying and finally seeing his dearly desired dead gf in DreamWorld but only to see her gettin' it down with some guy who tried to kill everyone in the past? 🤣🤣🤣 nah man I can't do him dirty, especially when Michael saved us from the Faun. Speaking of that event, it was weird that there wasn't a conversation/consequence from Michael who saw John kiss us LOL. And he definitely heard us talking about the intimate moments we shared HAHAHAHA. Though, John's short route is terribly cute. I really enjoyed it tbh. Surprised that we didn't have any repercussions for cheating on Michael with him. Moving on, I watched his ending on YouTube and it was super bittersweet.😭
I honestly like his route a bit more than Aaron's. Or equally. Can't decide! Aaron's route is basically MC still in love with her old crush who used to intimidate her and was exciting since he's someone you wouldn't acquaint yourself with, especially as a young, inexperienced student. And then coming back as a mature woman, and still knowing that you're in love with him and he is still too, ah so cute. That moment you share with him in the snow on the swings 💕💕. Honestly I feel like that moment MC needed a proper adult figure to comfort her so that scene was a bit weird and made me think, hm, MC is probably crushing on him because he is older, hot, and is sort of providing a parental comfort to her lol. In my HC universe, MC crushes on him, but it quickly dies because she was vulnerable in the moment. I'm happy that that moment didn't escalate any further and that Aaron didn't chase MC unless MC did in the end. It would have been very weird because it would have been a moment where he, as an adult figure, take advantage of MC. Then again, it's fantasy/fiction. To each to their own eh? I still enjoyed it. I honestly could personally relate to the line where Mc says that the experience and age (something like this) provided comfort to her, so that moment felt awfully sweet to me.
In the end, there could only be so much you can push in in a story game app.
I still really enjoyed this story. Despite the flaws I pointed out, I love this story to every bits. I find this much more entertaining than SOTF, so I'm glad that it is written the way it is. Perhaps I should write a post about SOTF in the future since I'm close to finishing it, but I don't think I will since I don't like it much.
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You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M
Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.
Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.
I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.
I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.
I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.
If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.
I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.
Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!
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I saw someone the other day here on good ol' tungle complain (before the show came out, mind you) that Claire wasn't going to be in the show enough and wasn't gonna play an integral role, and like. I can understand why that thought is upsetting, bc the girl is a badass and deserves more screentime for sure, but like not only did they end up being wrong (our girl kicked ass, played a huge role in the plot, and was just generally amazing) but they had like, blamed Leon a little bit for it? As tho it was his fault the writers don't give three shits about the female protagonists in the franchise (who, if I remember correctly, only one of which gets an actual entire game to herself? The rest, to my knowledge, are POV swapping games, which are fine but like. Come on Capcom)??? It was v weird and caused me to unfollow them bc they were already disappointed by the show, they blamed Leon, and they acted like, surprised? I don't know about you, but I'm never surprised by franchises like this when they put one of their main female characters on/in the promotional to garner attention and then she's actually only in it for five seconds. That's just misogyny (which I'm not excusing or saying is okay, obvs, but don't push blame onto the other main character, just bc he's the main character? Leon didn't choose to push Claire out of the spotlight, and honestly I don't even think he did. Like he got more screentime then her, yeah, but I think this is as close as we were gonna get to a fair split amount of time between the two, with capcom's history of "women? What women? Oh you mean convenient plot devices?"), so don't hate on people who love Leon, and don't hate on the character himself. Like what the what? As a Leon lover (he is my favorite, I love him sm), I am pissed that we never get to see Claire in anything, that we hardly ever saw Jill after RE3, and that all female protags are secondary to their male counterparts. It's bullshit, frankly, but taking it out on other fans and the other characters in the franchise is. Not good, and will just isolate you further from the fandom. Don't know if this is a hot take or not lol and I'm not trying to like be mean or start a fight with anyone, I just needed to rant about this bc it was bothering me and I figured you would kinda get where I was coming from? Also I love your rants, you are v knowledgeable lol
okay so... i saw some of that going around too. and it doesn't really make sense to me for multiple reasons. first of all, some people already decided that ID would suck even before it came out, they decided Claire would get no screen time and decided they'd ruin her character and... all of that before they'd seen more than the trailers? and I just don't get it, why not give it a chance before judging it?
i do understand that people want Claire to have a big role and want her to get the chance to shine. i want that, too! she absolutely deserves that! and I get being scared of what would become of it! i was nervous beforehand that they'd take the characters (both of them) into a direction that I'd find disappointing. when I pressed play on the first episode I was terrified as much as excited, because there was no way of knowing before seeing it.
but i do think it's important to press play and watch for yourself before condemning the entire thing.
and as for blaming Leon for Claire allegedly not having a large enough part in it? it... makes zero sense. it's not like they're living breathing people who have an actual say in what happens? :'D overall I find it weird how readily people jump to attack other characters to defend their own favorites. I don't understand this whole shooting down others to lift your own fave. there are ways to appreciate a character without hating on everyone else.
(that is not to say you're not allowed to hate on characters! of course you can hate characters! but like. you don't need to hate whoever you deem a "rival" just because. it's not a competition.)
and yeah, there is a long history of misleading promotion where a character is advertised as a main character and then sidelined to only appear for a bit. and it was a possibility. but it didn't happen, and I for one am happy about it. (what I am disappointed in, is that they made it seem like Leon and Claire would work together, while they did that for like two and a half minutes. but well. can't win them all)
(tangentially, they did something a bit similar to Chris in re8 too, the promotions relied super heavily on him but from what i understood (without having actually played the game, so correct me if i'm wrong!) he was a playable character for a very small portion of the game. so. they used him and his fanbase for promotion a little misleadingly. so yeah it is a real concern that could've happened)
like you said, Leon might've gotten more screentime if you only count the minutes. but Claire was an integral part of the story, she was fighting for the things she believes in, she got to be fierce (that headbutt is like the highlight of the movie :'D) and it wouldn't have been the same without her.
yeah it is bullshit how Capcom just threw Jill aside, and are tragically underusing a lot of their female characters. and I'm not trying to excuse that. but I do think they have a general problem with forgetting all of their characters except for Chris and Leon, who have gotten to be in most things (even tho to be fair they're not getting a fully consistent storyline either but. they do get screentime?). they create the most wonderful characters and then forget all about them, and it sucks.
but that's a problem with the people who make these movies and games. not the characters in said movies and games. so taking your own disappointment out on other characters and their fans is just... counter productive at best. it just leads to anger and resentment and the absolutely pointless fandom wars no one benefits from. i, for one, am too old for that bullshit.
so yeah, I get what you're coming from. it is so frustrating to see the unfounded hate. and tbh I've seen Leon get quite a bit of it. but that just comes with the territory I guess. he is popular, and some people react badly to it. which doesn't make sense to me, personally, but hey it is what it is.
I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on the good! we got new content, Leon and Claire both got to be important parts in the story, they both kicked ass and looked amazing doing it! for the most part they both felt very in character, and I have high hopes we might get more in the form of season 2! :3
also, I'm glad you're enjoying my ramblings :'D I have a lot of thoughts but I usually get carried away rambling and I'm never sure how much sense i make, lol.
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Ramble ahead: We always hear about what a shitty person C*mille is (rightfully so, no abuser's actions should be forgotten) but we (or I) never hear about other women Magnus has dated. I mean, I think his insecurities are always there, it's very difficult to ignore them, but I'm sure he has dated women that weren't transphobic. Some people like to show Magnus as this person who's never been loved, and that's not true. Alec is different, of course, but he isn't the only person who's loved Magnus.
2/2 lmao Idk, I how do you feel about Magnus's insecurities while dating women? (I feel like dating men is a different subject, maybe with different insecurities)
you are absolutely correct! tbh i feel like we dont talk a lot about the women Magnus has dated because (apart from the malec-centrism) we dont really know about any other than Camille? like his named exes are Camille, George, Freddie Mercury, and I think that's it? i know he has girl exes in the books but i dont go by book canon etc etc
but i totally agree with you that it's very frustrating when people act like all of magnus' exes or even most were abusive or bad like. no! of course Magnus has had plenty of good relationships!!!! thats good and important!! hes been loved and hes been happy before, and that doesnt make Alec (or any of them, really) less special. he's had plenty of happy and fulfilling relationships in varying degrees, just like anyone else, and he VALUES these experiences, or else he wouldnt have his memento box. Magnus' exes are a part of his history and they're important okay, and i hate it when ppl try to erase that (altho i do love talking about Camille cuz you know. slut for angst and particularly exploring abuse and post-abuse dynamics. but you get what i mean). honestly it would be terrible if he's never had any good relationships before Alec, because like, thats horrible? and he deserves better? and it puts a kind of imbalance in their relationship where Magnus needs Alec to be loved, and like, no! i don't want that! I don't think Alec himself would want that! their relationship is healthy because every second they spend together is by choice, because they're their own people and theyre complete, okay, they dont need each other, they choose to be with each other because it makes them both happy
anyway, onto your actual question! i think Magnus has dated less women than men because of the simple fact that well, he's queer, and for most of his life he's lived as a queer man in a time where that was dangerous. so it was harder to find a woman he could date and be comfortable with (since a lot of queer women arent gonna be interested in him anyway) than it was a man, you know
but there are and have always been plenty of bi, not to mention straight-trans women (and bi ofc but that already falls under bi women lol), in the queer community, and i think those were his happiest/most fulfilling relationships with women. gnc woc (the mental image of Magnus dating butches is 😩😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌) in particular, because, well. they get it
hmmm also the mental image of Magnus dating other immortal butch girls with a similar age is *chef's kiss*. especially gnc trans girls, since he's a gnc trans man himself. idk why but i have soft images in my head of Magnus and a girl sitting on top of a roof looking at night, talking about how gender was perceived in the culture/time each of them was born, and laughing at how crazy it is that things have changed so much, you know? making jokes about how it looks like mundanes can't keep their stories straight cuz every time they turn around there's a new rule, and laughing because they just feel so understood. and it's sweet
and Magnus putting his hands around her waist and laying his head on her shoulder and them just being all soft in this safe little space where they get to be fully themselves free of the constant performance that is existing as a queer poc in the world.... effervescent
of course theres been cishet girls as well (i mean Camille herself is implied to be one) and i feel like thats trickier, cuz cishet girls, well. they have a lot of expectations of what being in a relationship should be like, so many unspoken rules. even if they're not transphobic abusers, and they're actively supportive of him and all the facets of his identity, there's like. this kind of standart that they seem to live be. kind of like, well Magnus is a man, ergo, he will be The Man™®©. I think that would be his main insecurity, like, trying to live by these rules and not disappoint them, afraid that if he's not what they expect he'll lose their respect (even the ones who would never). It can get pretty damn tiring tbh, and i think those tend to last less, or just not be as good because theres either that constant gap, or he has to be guiding them through breaching it, and it can get exhausting
i mean of course thats what friends are for, and its not like these feelings arent present when he's with men, especially white and/or cis ones. not to mention the fact that he's a warlock. he's all but bound to have a partner who doesn't understand certain things because there are so many intersections to his identity, but you know. theres a certain dynamic that comes with Cis Straight Girls™, especially white ones, that's hard to shake off
so i think his main insecurities would be in those relationships, especially because you know, the tiredness of this constant game they might not even realize theyre playing because theyre so used to these unspoken rules also gets to him in general, and sometimes he just wants a break, and he feels a bit guilty about it but it's true (and it doesn't mean he isn't happy with them or doesnt love them, thats normal. but welp, monogamous ideals of love plus insecurities make him feel like if he feels tired of certain things, it means that he doesn't love them enough, and that's Bad™. i think that might also be something that comes up - his fear that hes evil and uncapable of loving, like his father said, because hes not loyal enough, even if he's always been painfully loyal. you know?). not to mention the usual drama of coming out as trans, or the immortality/warlock blues, etc
idk I'm not sure if i answered your question, i feel like this answer is all over the place lol but i did like talking about it so i hope that's worth something? and I'm always interested in the many aspects of Magnus' past and history, so :)
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How I Met Your Mother.
This show inhabit a special place in my heart, and that is why my first show review here will be about it. The most controversial ending in the 21st century television. I'll start. Spoilers alert obviously.
Season 1 - We were introduced to this life of Ted Mosby. We got to know his friends, Lily, Barney, his best friend Marshall, and Robin. In this season, the audience's sympathy and feelings were with Ted. The feeling of finding someone to love and to have their feelings reciprocated equally. At some point, we were all Ted - stupid, indecisive, hopeless romantic. He's smart, supportive and loving and we saw that in the first season.
Season 2 - Since Ted is stupid, he cheated on someone for someone who isn't sure with him. Yes, last season, he cheated on Victoria for Robin. Crazy. Still, he's a great friend anyone could ask for. He never leave Marshall when Lily left and supported his sadness. In this season, I saw Barney's heart. He is more than a womanizer that he always wanted to portray. He does care. Takeaway in this season, I realized that love is something that most people search and never find that's why when you find that person you feel like you want to spend your life with, you do something about it and you keep them. Lily and Marshall proves that. And that it's not bad to chase your dreams as long you know how to weigh things. And art is life.
Season 3 - "it's funny how sometimes you just find things." In this season, Lily and Marshall started to build their own life by owning their own house (kinda redundant but who cares?). Ted, who still believe in love, dated again. Robin tried to live her life in the way she thinks suits her. The takeaway in this season is that when you have a dream, you gotta hold on to them. It can be hard, there will be obstacles along the way and we should face them because those can be the path that can lead us to where we supposed to be. Risking is not that scary if you know you got the right people with you.
Season 4 - Finding your purpose. I'm not one to talk about this topic because I personally have no idea about mine. But in this season, I felt the same way with Ted (I totally relate to him and I hate it) about what he wanted to do. It was a bumpy road for the gang in terms of their personal life and career, but in the end, Ted decided to teach (damn it, just to be clear, I never wanted to be a teacher, oh fvck, what if I end up like him?) Anyway, season takeaway: if you feel like you do not fit in to something, probably, you have to leave. Some things may be waiting for you to discover and you just haven't found it yet because you're stuck trying to push yourself into something you're not for. And you may be doing other people a favor by doing so.
Season 5 - "You can ask the universe for signs all you want. But ultimately we only see what we want to see, when we're ready to see it." A good season. Lily and Marshall's character were growing. Barney, kept his awesome self but his character keeps on showing softness which can be visible every now and then. Robin, well I personally don't like her (probably because I see myself in her, dammit) Ted, on the other hand, never stop believing in love tho he did doubt it when Stella left him at the altar and in some parts at season 2. But he's Ted Mosby, he'll start believing again. My personal favourite episode in this season I think, is 'the last cigarette ever', I don't know, I just love the friendship that was shown on that episode. Anyway, season takeaway: when you ask for a sign, that's already a sign. And you can't force your way out into something because you got to deal with them at some point.
Season 6 - "Sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things" yea that's the exact quote but I like to say it this way: some things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Same thought but better right? Yea, whatever. Lol. This season is full of emotions. Like a lot of emotions. I can say that the writers really outdid themselves. Marshall's father died, which I never saw coming. And tell you what, I've seen the show four times and I still cry on that scene. And Barney, he met his dad, and that scene on his dad's court, that broke me. Neil's acting was superb. Season takeaway: forgive people. Forgive yourself. Enjoy the little things. Appreciate each moment. Cherish the people who make you feel loved. Never hurt other people intentionally and make wise decisions. That's quite hard, but I guess doable.
Season 7 - "Not because something needs to be said, does it mean it needs to be heard." I don't know why I chose this quote for this season but I just did, so. Anyway, this is a good season, I loved this season, tbh. Lily gave birth to their son, Marvin. New beginnings, but Ted, somehow was still unable to settle his feelings. (I don't want to elaborate, just watch the damn show) And I hate him for being so dumb. There's this episode entitled, 'symphony of illumination' and 'tick, tick, tick' yea, those bummed me. I love how those episodes tugged my heart.
Shoot, two more seasons. Lol. Okay, FYI, it has been more than a year since I last saw the show, so everything I wrote here is based on memory and a little bit of help from ecosia so that I don't misquote them. Lol. Continue.
Season 8 - oh! this season, one of the best. The most elaborate proposal that I have ever seen. It was a blessing to the people. Jk. But, that proposal was so perfect I freakin cried. In this same season, Ted had a very touching imagination. He looked for his wife. He gave the lines - which I memorized, and told what he felt at that time and I just bawled like a baby the whole scene. It was perfectly sad and heart tugging. It was a premonition that I didn't see coming. Season takeaway: trust is important.
Season 9 - The season where most of the people were left unsatisfied. This whole freakin season revolved around Barney and Robin’s wedding. Yes, that was basically it. Jk. In this season they build up Barney and Robin’s love and then they give us the mother. It was great. Up until the last two episodes. The writers failed me. The love that they built up ended up with divorce. WTF ryt. Then the mother died. And that montage scene of her and Ted together, ugh I had nothing else to do but to let my tears flow. It was heartbreaking. Takeaway: things may not always go according to plan, life goes on and we move forward.
All in all. I was disappointed. The writers tried. And I salute them for trying and giving the audience a streched and realistic ending. Just like what I said before, It's not the destination, it's the journey. And still I love the show, all its plothole, all its bad side, all the inconsistencies, and all its flaws. I've learned a lot of lessons from it. The show has a lot of quotable life quotes. I discovered beautiful songs (the ost is superb). Discovered new shows. And it taught me how to appreciate life more. And for that I am so thankful. Here's a final quote, tho I'm still not fully confident with this:
"Because sometimes even if you know how something’s gonna end, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the ride."
#How i met your mother#Personal review#Unsettled thoughts#Probably the worst ending#Words#Season break down#I tried#I can't get over
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modern!au k(lance)
they're all in their 20's except for Shiro who's 30 and coran who's 50
first of all. miss me with that 'pining roommate' shit. I love miscommunication and making characters that r sexy bffs with one another
Lance meets Nyma through a Craigslist ad he put up saying he needed a roommate. the moment they met was a tragedy for everyone but them because they're that powerful and beautiful
lance with tousled hair, wearing a half-unbuttoned silk shirt and designer jeans, Michael kors sunglasses pushed up atop his head, arm wrapped around nyma: hi guys this is my roommate, nyma!
nyma, with her blonde 3-ft long box braids down her back, perfectly manicured red nails, bodycon dress and loubitons, hand on lances waist: hey
allura, shaking and on the verge of tears: STOP MAKING US LOOK POOR AND UGLY
Lance is in school for marine biology and Nyma works as a hairdresser and the both of them are small beauty gurus on YouTube that collab with one another
lance: hey guys we're going to be trying out the new anastasia pallete we got today :)!
nyma: and by got we mean shoplifted from sephora
lance: NYMA YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT
they're also insta baddies and both gender non-conforming baddies. Nyma is a nonbinary lesbian icon and lance is a nonbinary bicon.... those are like the fucking BEST senses of style
anyone with eyes can see that nyma is into and ONLY into girls but of course... heteronormativity.
rolo: I still don't get why you're dating lance. he's super annoying.
nyma: he doesn't bitch nearly as much as you even when he's got my cock in his ass
they do this thing where when people assume they're a couple they pretend they're some kind of kink couple and freak everyone out
which is why when hunk and pidge meet nyma they're like :eyes: but when nyma flirts with pidge lance doesn't even bat an eye and then lance starts pining about Keith's greasy mullet and his bags under his eyes and nymas got this look on her face that perfectly resembles a man who's lost all sense of normalcy and righteousness in his life and now sits in a bar every night listening to this dumb romance novel type shit and then pidge and hunk are like. oh. no they're just gay.
speaking of keith. he's one of those gays. one of the quirky emo gays that never sleeps and listens to 'coffee and cigarettes' on repeat and has like 3 strings of lights in his room and not only is an art major but ALSO a photographer. and yet somehow he still has the will to wake up at 5 am every morning and go to the gym like some kind of HEATHEN.
Lance knew Keith in high school for 3 years until he got expelled for fighting at the end of his junior year. He was also universally crushed on and was the bad boy jock of the school with a heart of gold so naturally Lance pretended to despise him so he could pine for him in peace
that all goes down the drain when Lance recognizes Keith in one of his classes and goes through the five stages of grief because a) he's hot and b) Lance is openly bi now so he doesn't have an escuse to not tolerate him
(He wasn't gonna do anything about it until he was put in a group with Keith a few weeks into class and he off handedly mentioned he went to Keiths high school, and Keith claimed he didn't remember him, and Lance was just a tad bit upset but was gonna leave it at that except after like 5 days of working together Keith slams his fists into the table and is like 'HOLY FUCK LANCE MCCLAIN?' And Lance is like. w. What.)
turns out Keith does remember lance. very vividly, actually. because he was the guy that everyone kind of had a crush on because he was so nice and charming to everyone he met, and Keith was SO gone for him. he just didn't recognize him tbh, which makes sense, bcuz in high school lance wore blue contacts and had straight hair and now he just wears glasses occasionally and leaves his hair wavy. Keith is gay and stupid don't blame him
keith, bursting into Shiro and Adams apartment at 2 pm: SHIRO HOLY FUCK
adam, bags under his eyes, underneath the covers of him and shiros bed: good fucking god not again
I'm tired of talking about ppl other than Lance and nyma though so I'm gonna talk about them for a bit because im love
as I said Lance has wavy hair and his actual eye color is brown but as he was growing up he was hella insecure about it that's why he wore blue contacts.... nyma caught him once trying to put them on again and put an end to All That Real Quick
nyma has brown eyes too and they're super dark, almost black, and that shits breathtaking bro. she usually has her real hair dyed blonde all the time and permed but she also likes to wear wigs and get braids too because she knows she looks damn good in them. everyone is jealous.
lance has tons of super light freckles. Enough said. nyma has a birthmark on her hip that's kind of shaped like a horse if you look at it from the right way
lance: you were a horse girl as a kid weren't u
nyma: how fucking dare. how fucking dare you say that. I really do have to laugh.......
nyma: obviously I was a warrior cats stan
lance's sense of fashion ranges from 'i went to California for a week once and now I can't stop wearing sweatpants and slides' to 'It's surprising I haven't gotten robbed at this point'. Lance is a scholarship baby so all the money he saved up through countless jobs and the one he already has at a coffee shop almost exclusively goes to clothes and kombucha
Nymas sense of style is definitely more on the eccentric side but since she looks good in EVERYTHING she gets away with it. think dollskill but with more neon colors and designer. she's the kind of person that never wears the same shade of lipstick for a whole month and has a box full of makeup palletes that are almost untouched and everyone who has seen it is both jealous and in wonder FENTYWAYS...
Keith goes over to lance's apartment for a project of sorts and immediately assumes that Lance and Nyma are a thing (they're very platonically affectionate, Nyma will kiss lance's cheek and they cuddle sometimes) which is disappointing but it's not a surprise considering Lance is so Lance and everyone else acts like they are dating so that must be the case, right?
lmao you thought.
nyma: holy shit. holy Fuck. God, allura is so hot. I would probably die if she brushed past me. I would die happily knowing I've been blessed by the touch of an angel.
lance: yeah haha she's really pretty.
keith, struggling to not choke on his coffee hearing All This at 9:31 A.M. in starbucks:
Keith asks if he can take photos of the two of them for his photography insta and they both jump on it so they can flex being sexy and afterwards Lance thanks him with a kiss on the cheek and Keith is sent REELING into gay mayhem.
lance: do you think that was like..... too much.
nyma: i think men are dumb that's what.
I mean u can't really blame Keith because Lance and Nyma are constantly joke-flirting with one another on social media and are in almost every one of the others photos in some way, or at least tagged, so by the time Keith actually works up the nerve to ask about that, it's been WEEKS since Lance kissed him and he's been miserably failing to ignore it
keith: so.... how's nyma doing?
lance: she's good! She's spent all day dying one of her wigs so she went for a coffee run lol. probably will hang with allura and shay later too
keith: and.... that doesn't make you jealous?
lance: LOL no.... they could never compete with me (talking about being Nyma's best friend)
keith: oh.... well, it's good that you trust each other a lot in your relationship.... you seem like a really good boyfriend
lance: wat the fuck did you just say.
as soon as lance explains that nyma is not his gf and they're just bffs Keith is like ohthankgod.jpg and almost accidentally asks lance on a date before he stops himself and is like.... dumb gay bitch calm DOOOWWWNN
after that it becomes very obvious that nyma and lance r just friends at least for Keith mostly through dumb shit they say to one another
lance, sitting with hunk, pidge, and Keith at the library: hey guys wanna see something cool.
pidge: go for it
lance, clearing his throat: she think she bad but I'm better, these bitches tryna play catch up-
nyma, coming out of nowhere: SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TALKING LIL BITCH, PUT YO HEAD DOWN WHEN YOU TALK TO A PIMP-
Nyma and Lance have self-care nights every Friday, sometimes Allura or Shay will come, and very RARELY Keith if only to spend time with Lance. also? Allura and Shay are dating, die mad about it.
They do waxing, exfoliation, mud masks, moisturizing treatments, hair masks, painting nails.... need I go on. it's basically whatever they want to do that week and when Keith reluctantly agrees to participate one day Lance goes mental
lance: OK so here's what I'm thinking. it's obvious you haven't really had a self care day for a while, which is like, fine, you do you, but holy shit are your split ends bad. I was thinking maybe I could trim them and then we could do a hair mask? Oh! A face mask would be good as well, even though you've practically got perfect skin. I'd offer to wax but for first timers the pain is a bitch to handle on the face. I'm not sure if you'd be an acrylic kind of guy but I have some black nail polish that I could put on- wow, your hands are really big compared to mine, and they're so soft, haha, isn't that crazy? so what do you think?
keith, still reeling from the fact that lance is going to touch his hair, face, and hands in the next several hours: uh......yeah..... sounds great.
nyma, sitting on lance's bed in nothing but a bra and sweatpants, smoking a blunt and readjusting her sheet mask: *long exhale* christ
Shay got Lance into the whole healthy organic food thing and in turn he got Nyma into it so they're both the bitches who drink nothing but Fiji water and almond milk and will offer you a plate of sliced cucumbers and tomatoes as a snack. we Stan a vegan couple.
keith: these are actually really good.
nyma: we usually put them on our eyes, but go off I guess.
keith:
nyma: nah I'm just fucking with you, we have different cucumbers for that
by the end of the night Keith feels like he's been cleaned by a car wash and he's dizzy from all of lance's thoughtless affection and when lance says he can stay the night because it's already late, Keith mindlessly blurts out 'only if it's with you' and nymas like.... um. Wig.
keith, laying stiff as a board on one side of lance's bed: uh
lance: oh my God you gay bitch get over here and spoon me. also kiss me on the fucking lips bro.
Nyma owns a cat named Beezer that she stole from her old roommate (rolo) but calls her beebo because quote 'beezer is so fucking lame bro i hate men'. Lance owns a Russian blue mix called, you guessed it, Blue, that he found stuck in his apartments basement only a few days after moving in. Nyma and Lance are WEAK
lance: ohhhhh look at my pretty baby sitting on the table all cute and relaxed!!! look at that baby!!! fantastic stuff!
nyma, putting her head on beebos belly: You Are So Soft And So Chubby I Would Die For You
pidge would also die for the both of them
OK I'm tired and uninspired so I'll stop here but I MAY ADD MORE LATER
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Hmm! Headcanons for Jungkook, V and J-Hope crushing on a girl who's a little bit younger than them and in Ravenclaw? They're a little bit shocked because her personality made them think she should be in Hufflepuff instead. I'm so sorry if this is too specific!!! Honestly I love your blog so much i actually screamed when I came across your headcanons for the first time
Yay first request! Thanks so much for sending this in and I hope you enjoy the rest of my blog’s content!!
Jungkook
You’ve known about Jeon Jungkook for a while since most of your classmates have a huge crush on him
Yeah you admit that he is pretty good-looking and talented but you’d rather leave the guy alone than stare at him 24/7
One day you were waiting for your Slytherin friend to finish up Quidditch practice when you see Jungkook fly directly into the wall of the stadium area and fall to the ground (the poor boy had been so tired from Quidditch practice that he wasn’t quite thinking straight)
You were the nearest person so you ran to him quickly and applied pressured to a bleeding cut on his head while the rest of the team called for a nurse and he was rushed to Madame Pomfrey
Even though you didn’t know him you were still really worried and followed Madame Pomfrey into the clinic to wait until he got better
All of his hyungs quickly hear about it so they rush to the clinic as well while he’s still passed out
When Jungkook he sees all of his hyungs sitting near his bed and you curled up on a chair nearby
His hyungs tell him about the accident and that you were the first one to rush to him when it happened and that you were in the clinic ever since and Jungkook is hella touched
When you wake up Jungkook is also okay but you bombard him with questions like if he’s hurting anywhere or if he wants to eat anything
He’s genuinely surprised at the amount of care that a person can have
But Jungkook is really okay and even offers to walk you to your common room since it is pretty late and he wants to return the favor in some way
You’re a bit shy but you accept the offer and the two of you leave the clinic
He starts walking you to the Hufflepuff common room and he’s like “You’re a Ravenclaw???”
He honestly thought you were a Hufflepuff because of how much you cared for him even though you two barely knew each other but oh well
Jungkook’s internally happy that your common room is much farther because it means he can talk to you a bit more
Both of you are really into music and have the same favorite artists
Once you’re at the Ravenclaw common room he regrettably lets you go
After that, Jungkook looks forward to Quidditch practice even more because he knows you’ll be there waiting for your friend
He gets really soft though when he hears you cheering for him
After some time, he plucks up the courage to ask you to listen to this new CD his parents delivered to him so your interactions have graduated to listening to music together
He loves that you always think about bringing snacks when you two hang out
Lol this boy takes advice from 80’s romance movies and makes mixtapes in order to win your affection
He actually confesses to you via mixtape by putting together a bunch of songs that hints towards his feelings for you
And it makes you so flustered he finds you even cuter
Fuck this makes me so soft aasjgaksdj
Taehyung
You guys are in the same house so he kind of notices you around the common room at first but he never did try to initiate a conversation
Actually you’re the one who starts a conversation with him first when you notice him observing a knarl he’s keeping in a box
(Knarls are small creatures similar in appearance to hedgehogs. It is often hard to win their allegiance and their quills are often used as potion ingredients)
You see him trying hard to win it over in order to pet it by feeding it berries and nuts but to no avail and because you’re curious too, you decide to check out the knarl
“Maybe it likes something else?” you suggest and sit next to him on the floor before the knarl perks up and heads straight to you
“Or someone else,” Taehyung raises his eyebrows as you pick up the knarl who’s already cuddling up to you really affectionately
(shit knarls are hella cute I kinda want one)
And Taehyung thinks the knarl is hella cute now that it’s not trying to attack him with it’s quills
BUT MAN SO ARE YOU
Taehyung wonders why he’s never noticed you before or talk to you
So he starts a conversation with you about magical creatures and is pleased to find you love them as well so you guys talk for a pretty long time
You even help Taehyung win over the knarl’s allegiance so guess who’s a double happy little camper
After that he tries to find opportunities to hang out with you more
He’ll take you with him to Hagrid’s hut when Jungkook and Jimin are busy with quidditch practice
He loves seeing that you CARE for MAGICAL CREATURES (yes I’m pathetic at making puns *cue windshield-wiper laugh*)
You make sure that all Hagrid’s creatures are well-fed and that Buckbeak gets his daily grooming
Like, even though brushing an entire hippogriff is a grueling task, he’ll still find you standing next to Buckbeak with a hairbrush in your hand, your hair tied back, and a determined look on your face
For some reason seeing you like that makes him really soft
Seeing you kind of reminds of Jimin and the way he cares a lot for the greenhouse plants
At the same time he’s pretty surprised you’re not in Hufflepuff because your caring personality sometimes keeps you from the whole “pursuit of knowledge” most Ravenclaws got going on
But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing
Like, Taehyung knows so many other Ravenclaws who would refuse to let a creature go, even subject it to stress, just to study it for the “pursuit of knowledge”
But you’re not like that, you put their safety above everything else
It makes you all the more special to him and he’s scared to admit his feelings for you because he thinks he might not deserve you
He talks about you A LOT with his friends though
You kind of pick up that he has a crush on you when you overhear him talking to Namjoon but you wait for him to confess to you anyway
Hoseok
The first time he sees you is in the Hogwarts kitchens and he assumes that you’re a Hufflepuff first year since he finds a lot of them in the kitchen looking for snacks in between classes
He immediately likes you when he sees you, not just because he likes almost everyone (which he does), but because you were also helping a house elf with rolling out sugar cookie dough and cutting shapes
He sees a lot of Hufflepuffs getting snacks from the kitchen and talking to the house elves but he doesn’t see a lot of them trying to help out and having fun with it
You immediately recognize Hoseok because he’s really popular and has a reputation for being nice and a good Quidditch player
He also decides to help you out with your task and you love the fact that he’s also really nice to house elves and not only to wizards and witches
After the sugar cookies are baked, the house elves send you two off to your common rooms with a healthy amount of sugar cookies
Like Jungkook, Hoseok is really confused when you head off in a different direction and you tell him that you’re a Ravenclaw
Which makes him a bit disappointed that you two aren’t in the same house because he won’t see you as often in the Hufflepuff common room
He offers to walk you to your common room anyway but he immediately knows that he’s HELLA crushing on you
He asks Seokjin for advice on how to win your heart because he’s popular with girls and stuff
So Seokjin suggests using food to win your heart (that definitely wins my heart tbh) and teaches Hoseok all these really easy recipes he could do
The first thing Hoseok makes are sugar cookies again (but in the shape of hearts because he’s so extra) and he says that the house elves want to give it to you because he’s still kind of shy and when you say it tastes delicious he feels like cartwheeling off a broom
He actually does during Quidditch practice that afternoon and Jimin freaks out
After that he keeps on cooking and giving you food like sweets and sandwiches, only this time he admits that he’s the one making them
But he’ll kind of play it off though by saying that he’s just “experimenting” with cooking and wanted to see if what he’s making tastes good
A little birdie (Jimin) tells you though that Hoseok isn’t just “experimenting” and he really wants to impress you
And you think it’s just so sweet
During Quidditch games Hoseok practically falls off his broom when he hears you cheering for him instead of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team
Knowing that he’s cooking stuff for you, you try to return the favor by watching him during Quidditch practice and passing him a bottle of water or a hand towel
When Hufflepuff wins the Quidditch House Cup (is that what it’s called?) he invites you to the celebration in the Hufflepuff common room
And he confesses to you when the party’s over
You guys make the perfect couple UwU
#bts#bts Hogwarts au#bts Hogwarts scenarios#bts Hogwarts headcanons#Hogwarts au#Hogwarts headcanons#ask#ravenclaw s/o#hoseok#jungkook#taehyung
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Chapter III
(warning:grammar mistakes, nothing else)
Two days have passed after meeting him. Well, he's a big guy now. He's been to places I've never been before. No way, someone like him would call me. Even if he wanted to consider it bc I was his close friend in high school, there's no way he'd find the time for someone like me.
I took a sip of the coffee I had. It's bitter. Ofc it'd be bitter. What did I even expect?
Alphabets/ letters/ poems/ short stories/ drabbles/ articles/ biographies/ manuals/
Books/ Novels/ Journals/
Language/ Literature/
Subject/
Darkness/ Domain/ Despair/ Depression/ Dominance/ Dictatorship/ Destruction/ Denial/ Desperation/ Down/
Me/ My/ Myself/ Mine/
Mine?/
/Empty/...
emptiness\ void\...
I was scribbling my usual and I realized a new thing yet again.
I have nothing...to call my own. Well I can't say a 'thing', I do have a lot of stuffs I bought with my own money. It's just, I wanna have someone as mine too. I wonder if I'm being greedy. But I can't help. I want to be in love. Again. But genuine love this time tho.
Not like the unrequited love, or one sided relationship like I've had until now. Just mutual. Mutual feelings. I'd even love it more if they feel more about me than I do. But I doubt I'd ever get it. Because as much as I want it, I fear it too much. I don't even deserve it , hell I ignore people's feelings all day. The amount of texts and calls in this phone, after one night stands. Well half of it is their fault for not understanding how "one night stands" work. But I can't help feel guilty.
Its crazy how my desires contradict my fears.
Now, colours//.
Brown.....shade, it's warm no matter what. It's disgusting sometimes when I think more about it than I should lol. But rather than that, if we think about the shade only, it's warm. And for someone as who's a naturally cool person, (pun not intended) I guess I just prefer it as one of my favorite. Anyone can see it if they barge into my room. Or they'll just think I have an odd sense of taste for my age. Or maybe not, since I'm already 30, I'm at least old enough to like it? Don't I?
I closed my book, unable to focus properly on what to write for my next article. I couldn't concentrate even tho nothing that bad happened lately. Perhaps, I'm disappointed that he didn't call. But I don't understand why he would again.
Right then, my phone started buzzing, an unknown number.. could it be?
I pick up when my ring was about to end, subconsciously playing hard to get. But I didn't say anything. I was waiting for the other side to speak in case if it was the someone I expected.
"Hello." It's a familiar voice yet. I let a soft sigh.
....What did I even expect?
"You finally answered my call. Perhaps were you expecting a call from someone else? There's no way you'd pick up a random call."
"Uhh how are you? I heard you're working hard on your new book..."
(Pause)
I didn't speak anything. I couldn't. And I didn't want to anyway. I might as well just end the call.
"Don't cut it. Please..give me a chance to explain."
I don't get why my neck and chest throbs when he says those words. I don't even miss this guy like I used to. Tbh I'm completely over him. It's been almost 2 months we last had a proper conversation and I've been ignoring his calls since then. I can't forgive him for what he did, but when when someone begs..... you, you can't help but empathize them.
" I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now and I deserve that kind of reaction from you too. but please, I want you to listen at least just this once....
I know I.... I made a big mistake. I was a dick . I messed up. Big time. Yes, I told you to leave and yes, (sighh) I slept with someone else that night, I was crazy to do such thing after I started the fight itself. But I was too stressed out from work,.... that didn't mean that I can use it as an excuse...but
Hell, I'm sorry.
That's the only thing I can say right now. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean anything I said that day and I'll change. I'll be better. Please, please give me one last chance so that I.....I can prove it to you. And I..... I miss you so much, Sora.. Please forgive me this once more. I promise I'll be better...."
Fresh tears came out of my eyes. Idk? I was over him, I know but i could never get over how he betrayed me. Finding my lover having sex on our bed with someone not me, and witnessing it after he said he needed some space. It wasn't a good experience at all.
"Sora. I-"
"I'm sorry I have some work to do. I have to go. "
"No, just 2 more-"
I sat down bitterly. I cut the phone call. I look at my tear stained papers. Ugh I feel pathetic. After that my phone rang like three times more, until it lied completely silent again. I decided I should sleep. I can't help it other than to sleep it off. One more call, and I think I'll lose my patience. Anyone can tell me why can't I just block him, but at this rate it's useless. He's someone who'd use all the numbers in the world to get me to pick up. The first few weeks after break up, I had to change my number. And it's hectic to change my number again and again since these days, my whole source of almost everything is connected to my number. And I don't want to run for it again.
Hah, at some point, I wish I had disappeared from this world. It always seem like my life... is only a black and white theme, as aesthetic as it sounds, it doesn't feel good. I'm merely surviving. And I ain't like the sky, I can't seem to pull silence right after the rained. It almost seems like there's no peace after the storm in my life or I can relate more to a peace before the storm. So as much as I've grown, I might have gotten used to breaking down as well.
Ahh.. it burns, I burn,... quietly with no voice of my own to scream my scorching pain away. I start to treat it as a normal feeling at some point. And if I don't, I convince myself, I will someday, get used to it. Only memories occupy my head these days, as I look into my scars and I stare at it. It always feel like it will rip open and start bleeding again. So I prepare myself aids before that happens and I avoid the things that once led me to have them. I build walls altho my bricks aren't even strong enough so everytime someone attacks, I still get hurt. Even tho they don't seem to notice.
I see myself sitting , crouching my knees on my face and blocking my ears and the my dad's voice starts to become louder and louder scolding me. Then I opened my eyes to my booming ringtone. Oh.
I must have had a nightmare. Damn, this person too... can't stop bothering me even at night.
I decided to answer the call, in a cold manner this time.
"Hello-"
"Stop calling me. And for fuck's sake , I just started to sleep. I need to go to work tomorrow and I need my fucking rest."
"Oh" I felt something bad about how I answered.
"I'm sorry, Sou. I didn't mean to disturb you. I was so busy lately, like I'm in the States rn, there's clear daylight here so I might have forgotten about the how it works there . Well, I'm sorry I didn't think about it. "
Who tf is this? Is this another kid from the club I slept with.
Fuck-. was it not him? The states? Who'd call me from the states?
The states, hmm. Wait, The States?! Don't tell me-
"Emm, Sorry for rambling, I'm sorry I'll call you in the morning,that is, if you still want to-"
"Ryu!!?"
" Hmm.??"
...........Oh God,it IS him. ......Oh My Gawd. What did I just do? Oh Gawd..
Fuck. Goddammmit, I deserve to eat shit at this point.
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