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thatonebrazilian · 11 months

Text

Tolerate it

Summary: Everyone assumed you were fine, but what would they do if you just... broke free?

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Reader; undertones of Carol Danvers x Reader; Platonic Clint Barton x Reader; mentions of platonic Wanda Maximoff x Reader.

Word count: Around 6K

TW: Deep angst, assassination attempt, betrayal of trust, suicidal thoughts, dealing with grief, self sacrifices.

A/N: I've been in the mood for angst, apparently. And I actually wasn't planning on writing anything (I shouldn't have, I was short for time as it was), but I was listening to Taytay and the fic just came to me. This will probably hurt a lot. Just hurt, not much comfort. Let there be pain.

You didn't know what you did wrong. You didn't know how you could fix this. You didn't know if it even could be fixed.

All you did, all you could do, was just sit there and watch her. She was reading, her head low, almost as if she was trying to keep a barrier between you two.

You sat in the corner of the room, watching her as she immersed herself in reports. The soft glow of the lamp cast a delicate halo around her, illuminating her beautiful, beautiful features. And yet, on that night, as on many before, the light seemed unable to reach her eyes.

You knew she was struggling, you were too. Everyone was. The Blip had taken many from their families, and the toll it took on those who stayed made many more lose their loved ones. The remaining Avengers lost Clint to his own darkness, and you lost the love of your life to what you could only describe as self-isolation.

Natasha had always had an unhealthy work-life balance, yet you always managed to counter that… But not anymore.

You had been together for what felt like an eternity, intertwined in a love that once knew no bounds. Now, though, there was a growing chasm separating the two of you. Natasha would only engage in conversations that revolved around missions and saving the world, and none of those came from you.

You used to be an Avenger too, with powers so astronomical that you never learned to control them. Bruce and Tony had to create some sort of inhibitor for you, lest you destroy the world by mistake.

You were probably one of the most powerful beings out there, but having no control whatsoever of your powers would only bring destruction, so you learned to live without them, the bracelet Tony made never leaving your wrist.

Being a somewhat powerless avenger was hard, but it was worth it. You saved people, you helped your friends.

But since the Blip things have changed.

After watching Wanda, one of your best friends, disappear right in front of your eyes; after seeing Clint's descent into darkness, you didn't feel like fighting anymore. So you decided to stop, you stopped so you could take care of yourself, take care of Natasha.

They were small, the things you did for her, but meaningful nonetheless. You'd wait by the door every day to greet her like a god-damned war hero, to show her some love and comfort after a hard day at work; you'd make her favorite dishes, lay the table with your best cutlery; you even took upon painting as it seemed to ease your mind, and you'd use your best colors for her portraits (and there were many)... And yet, all Natasha gave back were lukewarm smiles; hums, and nods in acknowledgment of your attempts at conversation, and a lackluster "thanks".

She seemed to simply… Tolerate it.

You woke up in the wee hours of the morning, the sun hadn't risen yet, and the moonlight shone through the curtains, casting a soft glow across the room. Your gaze fell upon Natasha, who lay beside you sleeping lightly. The rise and fall of her chest matched the rhythm of her breathing, a calming sight that used to bring you comfort.

But then, as you watched her, you noticed a subtle alteration in her breathing patterns, something that would go unnoticed by anyone else. The steady rhythm became irregular, interrupted by moments of slightly shallower breaths and the briefest of pauses. There was a tension in her muscles that hadn't been there a second ago, almost as if a silent battle was being waged beneath her immaculate skin.

Natasha's eyes remained closed, her face serene as if she was lost in the most peaceful of dreams. But you knew the truth. She was pretending to be asleep. It felt like she didn't want to wake up beside you, like she simply tolerated your presence, but now even that tolerance seemed to be waning.

You wanted to reach out, to offer her solace, to take all the pain away, but the invisible barrier between you seemed impossible to break through. The distance that had grown between you now felt like a vast expanse, impossible to bridge. Her closed eyes spoke volumes, a silent plea for space, for time, for avoidance.

Your heart ached with the weight of unspoken words, your eyes burned with the sting of unshed tears. You missed Clint, he'd know how to deal with this, he'd help her, but he'd help you, too. He'd hug you and tell you that everything was gonna be ok, he'd make sure it'd turn out that way. You missed Wanda, she'd take you out to eat ice cream, watch silly sitcoms with you, tell you the stupidest jokes just to see you crack a smile, she'd even threaten Natasha if she imagined the other redhead was hurting you in any way, shape or form.

You missed your life, your old life, before the Blip.

You turned away from her, not wanting her to see the tears in your eyes in case she opened hers.

As it turns out, the first time Natasha had a semblance of a real conversation with you in… You don't even know how many weeks… Was to ask you to join a team to take down whatever new evil had shown up.

You didn't even think twice about it, you took the job, you'd do anything to get closer to her again.

The team consisted of you, Steve, and Carol, who was visiting Earth. You didn't even know where you were headed or who you were facing, you just wanted to come back with an excuse to actually talk to your fianceé.

As you prepared to get into the jet, you saw her there, giving off directions before everyone boarded. You wrestled with conflicting emotions, torn between respecting Natasha's need for distance and the overwhelming desire to break through the walls she had erected.

You felt a hand on your shoulder then, too warm to be Nat's, and you immediately felt the comfort she radiated.

Carol wasn't the most sentimental person, she wouldn't tell you that everything would be fine, she wouldn't offer comforting words, but she'd be there, a warm unwavering presence amidst the chaos (even if you rarely saw each other in person). She was the one good thing that the Blip brought you.

"Don't think too much about it," the blonde said, already knowing what was on your mind. "Keep your head in the game, I don't want you getting hurt out there, ok?"

You nodded while managing to keep to yourself the strong urge to hug her, to seek comfort in that friendly and familiar warmth of hers.

She nodded back, turned and boarded the jet, having already reviewed with Natasha her role in the mission.

You looked at your fianceé only to find her eyes already on you. You didn't think too much into it, though, she was probably just reviewing in her head the role you'd have for this mission.

Once again you found yourself wanting to go to her, but the fear of rejection loomed over you, a haunting presence that whispered of the potential pain that awaited if you ventured too close.

You turned away and stepped in the jet.

You stumbled into the Avengers' compound, a dull ache radiating from your wounded shoulder, the bloodstained clothes doing nothing to give you comfort.

The mission had taken an unexpected turn, and both you and Steve got shot. Multiple times.

As soon as you stepped through the quinjet's door Natasha was there, the worry in her eyes making you question if you were hallucinating. She walked to you, her eyes never leaving yours, it was almost as if you could feel her again, the old Natasha, your Natasha.

"What the fuck happened? You weren't supposed to get hurt!" she exclaimed in a mix of anger, desperation and concern. She ran her hands through her unkempt hair. It was an uncommon sight, indeed, to see her so disheveled.

You knew she had been worried, the moment Steve reported back you could hear her pacing back and forth through the comms, you just didn't know it would affect her this much. You didn't think she cared anymore.

Almost as if sensing your thoughts, Natasha took a hesitant step closer and reached for your hands. "You got me really worried." She said, her eyes looking deep into yours, her hands soothingly cold to the touch.

You could see she wanted to say something else, but almost as if she was waging a silent war against herself, she shook her head, released your hands and sighed. "Go to the med bay. I'll meet you there."

You nodded weakly, too tired from blood loss to argue. Too tired in general.

As you made your way to the medical facilities, the pain in your shoulder intensifying with each step, you couldn't help but think of all the times Clint saved your ass from stupid bullet wounds like these, or how Wanda would literally create a shield around you whenever you faced danger.

You missed them, you missed Wanda so much, and you couldn't help but wish it was you and not her. And Clint, god, you hated what he became, you hated the Ronin, you hated that he wasn't there to heal by your side, to heal with Natasha, but you still missed him so much.

As you entered the med bay, you were greeted by a warmth that made you question how she could have gotten there first.

"Bold move, jumping in front of a sea of bullets like that" Carol said, there was no warmth in her voice though. You closed your eyes.

"I couldn't let them shoot that child," you said, sitting on a cot and looking apologetically at her.

Carol gritted her teeth, her eyes scanning your wounded shoulder, the part of you that got the most hits, with a mix of worry and anger written across her face.

"So you just deemed your life less valuable than hers and decided to throw it away?" She clenched her fists.

"That's not it and you know it," you said in a small voice. It was worse, but no, she didn't know it. She didn't need to. You didn't want to burden her too.

Carol's eyes softened, she took a couple steps towards you and touched your uninjured shoulder. "I just worry about you, sweet girl." She said and sighed, "Look, I know you don't have much to live for right now, but you're one of my best friends, I wouldn't be able to deal with it if something ever happened to you. And by the looks of it neither would Natasha, despite all the shit she's been pulling."

It was amazing how Carol, just like Wanda before her, was able to fill you with lightness. With them, as well as with Clint, you felt cherished, cared for. You could never be more thankful for the blonde in front of you. Without Clint and Wanda here to support your near Natasha-less life, Carol was the one thing keeping you sane.

You just wished being sane was enough.

You managed a weak smile, though, and even if felt forced, it still seemed to have convinced Carol that you were ok. "I'll be fine, Carebear. Just a flesh wound. I know I haven't been in the field for a while, but it's nothing I can't handle."

Carol fought off a smirk. "Promise me you won't pull shit like that again, at least".

You saluted her, a mocking smile on your face, despite the ache you felt inside. "Aye, aye, Captain!"

She chuckled and shook her head, "You're the worst".

"But you love it!" Your answering smile was more genuine this time.

Her smile grew bigger, and you wished you could see it in person more often.

"I actually do." She said, shaking her head once more and turning away to leave the med bay.

It didn't take long for a nurse to come to tend to you. There were many bullet wounds around your body, although most were superficial. The worst was indeed your shoulder, having been hit four times.

You bitterly wondered how you could still be alive with all of these bullet holes around your body.

The minutes passed by, and yet there was no sign of Natasha, so after all your wounds have been treated and dressed you decided to go look for the redhead.

It was a bad idea. As you located her, your heart sank. There she was, tending to Steve's wounds, her focus solely on him. Even though there was nothing romantic about the situation, the sight of them together stirred a mix of emotions within you. Jealousy, longing, confusion. Betrayal. You wondered if there was something more between Natasha and Steve, a connection that surpassed friendship. You wondered why she would deem him deserving of having his wounds treated personally by her while you were sent to a nameless nurse.

Your mind raced, struggling with the whirlwind of emotions that engulfed you. Doubts crept in, and you questioned the very nature of your relationship with Natasha. Did she even love you still? Has she ever? Where was that woman who threw blankets over your barbed wire, leaving you just soft enough for all your other friends to approach? Why has she left you behind in her pursuit to build this new world instead of taking you along with her? The uncertainty gnawed at you, intensifying the ache in your shoulder. You made her your temple, your mural, your sky, but now you were left begging for footnotes in the story of her life.

As you stood there, watching her tend to his injuries, a deep sense of loneliness washed over you. The weight of the lack of acknowledgment you've been getting from her grew heavier, casting a shadow over the bond you once shared. The pain in your shoulder felt insignificant compared to the ache in your soul.

At that moment, you realized you couldn't take it anymore. You loved Natasha, you would probably love her till the end of your days, but you knew your love should be celebrated, and yet all she did was tolerate it.

You never thought about what she would do if you broke free, leaving the two of you in ruins. But that's what you did, you took the chains that bound you to Natasha and broke them.

You still longed for her, though, the neverending love you held for the woman felt like a dagger piercing your heart, a constant reminder of what you craved for, of what you once had. You wanted to remove it, to see it clatter to the ground as you bled out.

It was weird to gain the weight of her then lose it, but you needed to do it, you had to.

You were doing it for her as much as for yourself. Natasha had lost so, so much, but there was one person who could still come back, so you went to look for him, more in hopes of helping her than fulfilling your own desire of seeing him again.

Even if she didn't love you (which was the impression you got when you told her you'd be gone, looking for Clint, only to get a blank stare in response), you still loved her, you still wanted her to be as happy as she could, and you knew Clint was the person to make that happen, he was her best friend as much as he was yours.

You needed to help her heal somehow.

"She's been a mess since you left," Carol had said once during a video call, the vast expansion of the universe now looming right behind her, "don't ever tell her I said that, though." The grimace on her face told you she wasn't kidding.

"Steve's been trying to help more, even I am; I've been to earth since you left more times than I've been throughout my whole life. I'm afraid that if I stay gone too long, she won't be there when I come back… Since you left she barely takes care of herself. The place's a mess, she hasn't been eating much, and, again, don't ever tell her I said this, but I thought I'd never see her cry, and yet…"

You wondered if it had been all in your head, the way she seemed to avoid you, the way she seemed to take you for granted, the way she seemed to merely tolerate you.

In the midst of a turbulent storm of emotions, a newfound sense of urgency propelled your every step. You needed to find Clint, you needed to find him so you could go back to her, to see if she was really deteriorating that much, to ask her if it was all in your head, if you got it wrong somehow, if she actually loved you.

Time seemed to both crawl and fly, leaving you with moments of self-reflection in the solitude of your journey. Doubts and insecurities waged war within you, tearing at the fabric of your clarity. What if you discovered that Natasha's love had been genuine, but she had struggled to express it? What if she was simply too freshly traumatized to express it, and you had abandoned her at her worst moment?

You needed to go back to her, even if it was just to figure it out. But you wouldn't go back without Clint, you couldn't.

So you searched, and searched, and searched. And as you finally stood before Clint, his weathered face bearing the marks of his own battles, you found yourself engulfed in a deep ache. Two of the people you loved the most were immersed in pain, and you could do nothing to help.

"I can't believe you traveled so far, came all the way here for this," Clint spat, his voice filled with anger, his eyes filled with tears. "To ask me to come back so I can help her. Do you even worry about me? Did you ever stop to think that I lost my family? My wife's gone, Y/N! I lost my kids! Do you really think that I'm not dealing with my own shit right now?"

You shook your head, tears welled up in your eyes too, matching the anguish in your voice. "Fuck you, Clint! I'm not here just for her and you know that! You're my best friend, goddamnit, and you've been gone for years! I know you're hurting, but you gotta know that what you're doing is wrong, and it's not gonna bring Laura and the kids back." You shook your head, remembering the way the kids would all call you auntie Y/N/N. You sighed and shook your head in disappointment. "They would actually be ashamed of what you became."

You knew it was a low blow, but it was the truth, and he needed to hear it

The moment he seemed to register those words, Clint's eyes became full of this sort of anger that you've never seen your friend display. But again, this wasn't Hawkeye, this was Ronin.

Clint advanced upon you with rage in his eyes, his hand went to your throat, a dagger suddenly pressing against your ribs.

"Take that back." He said through gritted teeth, and you felt your eyes filling with tears once again.

Of course he wasn't above hurting you like this. He, too, didn't care about your own pain.

You were tired, you were so fucking tired.

"Do it." You said, your voice devoid of emotions, the hollowness you now felt was all it conveyed. "It's not gonna make any difference if I'm gone, anyway."

You'd be just another death on his account, just a wisp of a memory in Natasha's mind.

Clint's brows furrowed, but his grip was unrelenting. You took your hands to his, the one holding the dagger, and pulled it up, so it wasn't resting above your ribs anymore, but right at your heart.

"Please," you said with a wavering voice, looking him deep in the eyes, trying to appeal no more to your friend, but to Ronin, "do it. Please."

The dagger clattered to the ground, Clint took a step away, looking at his hand as if it had personally offended him. He then looked at you, but you didn't meet his eyes, you were too absorbed looking at the dagger on the ground, feeling the brisk sense of freedom evading you as it finally stopped moving.

You then felt his arms around you, your head suddenly tucked into his neck.

"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice sounding desperate "I'm so sorry, Y/N, I'm so sorry," he kept repeating, and repeating, and repeating.

You shook your head, your own desperation making you cling to him "Why didn't you do it? Why couldn't you just kill me?!"

His arms tightened around you as you both fell to your knees.

"I'm sorry," he just repeated, "I'm sorry I took this path, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend."

You wished that he being sorry was enough.

When you came back, there was a talk about fucking time travel. The Ant-guy was back, and so was Tony, Thor, and even Bruce. Everything seemed to be falling into place, so why did you still feel so…. broken?

But, somehow, as you and Clint stepped foot inside the Avengers compound, the familiar surroundings embraced you like a long-lost home. The tension that has seemed to permeate your very bones during the journey began to ease, replaced by a cautious hope for what awaited you.

You knew things wouldn’t instantly fix themselves up; Natasha wouldn’t just come to you and apologize for all she’s done (no, that wasn’t like her at all); your heart wouldn’t suddenly be mended, even if she did; your mind wouldn't let you forget the pain, the deep ache the past five years inflicted upon you.

And yet, there was hope.

There was the possibility of bringing Wanda back, of having Carol around more often, of doing something good for humanity. Of making Natasha happy again.

The moment the doors opened you saw her. She was talking to the Ant-guy and to Bruce, her brows furrowed as she nodded along.

And then she turned her head and caught sight of you, and of who was by your side. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she saw Clint standing there, and a glimmer of something flickered within them, something akin to hope, but also akin to sorrow. Without a second thought, she started walking in your direction, coming faster and faster until she was running.

When Natasha reached Clint, she threw her arms around him, pulling him into a long-awaited embrace. Tears pooled in her eyes, slowly streaming down her cheeks as she closed them.

There was a little lightness in your heart as you saw them hug, some sort of knowing that she'd be ok even if you weren't around anymore. She wouldn't starve herself, she wouldn't push everyone away, she wouldn't shut down. She'd survive, and then she'd move on.

In that moment, as Natasha clung to Clint, her teary eyes slowly opened. There, through the blur of her emotions, she looked right at you. And the gratitude that radiated from her gaze was palpable, as if a thousand unspoken words were contained within that single look.

Her hold on Clint loosened slightly as her eyes locked onto yours, lingering for a brief, intense moment. The world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you suspended in time as the weight of her gaze met yours. It felt as if the universe held its very breath, waiting for the next chapter to unfold.

You wished you could say you could feel her love through that gaze, but you didn't know if you could use that word to describe what Natasha felt for you. Maybe she regretted what she did; maybe you became her anchor, even if unbeknownst to you, and she felt like she needed you to function; maybe she felt like she owed you something for bringing Clint back. You didn't know what it was, but you couldn't shake the feeling that the word love would be the wrong one to describe her feelings for you. Gratitude, thankfulness, maybe, but not love.

You smiled a sad smile, and nodded your head in acknowledgment to the gratitude in her eyes.

Natasha furrowed her brows and pulled away from Clint as she saw you walking away from her, but before she could come after you, Clint caught her hand and walked towards the opposite direction. He wanted a conversation in private.

You just knew he was going to tear her a new one for what she did to you. During your journey back he had apologized more times than you could count, his words still engraved in your mind.

"I'll do whatever it takes to earn back your trust," he had vowed, his voice filled with determination. "I'll prove to you day after day that I care, that I value our friendship above all else. What happened the other day… it'll never happen again, I promise you that. I was too absorbed in my own pain, so much so that I hurt you, but I would never do that intentionally, Y/N. You're like a sister to me, I'd never willingly hurt you. I love you too much for that."

Maybe his love was real, but you didn't have it in yourself to just forgive and forget.

Maybe one day the gods would deem you worthy of love. True love, not the kind that hurts you.

"A soul for a soul" the Redskull said, turning the vast expense of cosmic beauty before you into something bleak, final. "You must sacrifice that which you love."

Your eyes wandered, drinking in the breathtaking scenery, the towering cliffs and cascading waterfalls; it seemed like a paradise carved from dreams.

But the words hanging in the air casted a somber shadow over the planet's beauty, and as you stood near its vibrant precipice, the weight of what had to be done pressed upon the three of you.

Destiny had brought you here, demanding a sacrifice.

It was a curse and a blessing all at once.

"If we don't get that stone, billions of people stay dead," Natasha stated, her voice tinged with determination, almost as if she was trying to keep herself strong.

Of course she'd want to be sacrificed, the selfless fool that she was.

Clint's gaze met hers, his eyes filled with a mixture of conflict and resignation. "Then I guess we both know who it's got to be," he replied, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air. They didn't spare a single glance your way, it was almost as if they had mutually decided that you were to live.

A subtle sadness washed over Natasha's features as she nodded in agreement. "I guess we do."

You closed your eyes. You had been wanting this for so long, you had craved the peace I'd bring, you had fantasized about it, about closing your eyes and never opening them again.

And yet… you found yourself wanting to cling to life with an unwavering grip.

As Clint and Natasha looked at each other, you found yourself wanting to greet Laura, Lila, Coop and Nate when they came back, you found yourself wanting to have a nice day out with Yelena. You found yourself wanting to embrace Wanda and never let her go.

It hurt to know you wouldn't be able to do any of that.

"I'm starting to think we mean different people here, Natasha." Clint said then, his voice wavering slightly.

For a moment, Natasha's gaze lingered on Clint, her eyes reflecting the depth of her conviction. "For the last five years, I've been trying to do one thing: get to right here," she confessed. "That's all it's been about. Bringing everybody back."

She looked at you then, her eyes brimming with tears "I was so focused on it that I drove away the one person I had promised myself never to hurt.",

You couldn't look her in the eye, you couldn't let her see your decision through your gaze.

Clint's shoulders seemed to sag, you could see the self-blame he felt right through his eyes, even if they were focused on Nat. "And that's why it gotta be me. You spent all this time trying to help what was left of the world. Me… you know what I've done. You know what I've become." He shook his head, his eyes turning to you as well "If you haven't gotten to me, I'd still be killing an untold number of people without a care for who it'd hurt."

"Well," you said, shrugging, trying to lighten the mood a little "I don't judge people on their worst mistakes." There was no point in holding grudges anymore.

"Neither do I." Natasha said, looking at him. Her eyes turned to you then, full of sadness, longing , and regret. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

You walked towards her and pulled her in by the hand, your forehead resting against hers.

"I love you, Nat. You've been forgiven since day one." You said.

Natasha's tears streamed down her cheeks as she buried her face in the crook of your neck.

You saw from the corner of your eye Clint taking a step back, as if to go to the cliff. You extended your hand to him as well. He stopped in his tracks and took a couple steps in your direction, taking your hand in his.

He smiled a sad smile, his eyes red. "Tell my family I love them" he said, and tried to pull his hand away, but you gripped it with all the strength you had.

"Tell them yourself," Natasha said, pulling away from you as well.

You sighed, your eyes burning with unshed tears. You didn't want to die anymore. You wanted to live.

But you couldn't let them sacrifice themselves.

You ripped the bracelet Tony made from your wrist. It clattered on the ground. Natasha and Clint's eyes widened, almost as if they hadn't even thought of the possibility of you being the one to jump.

You felt an unbearable heat rising up from inside out, your lungs burned, your chest, your torso, your whole body.

"Y/N what the hell are you doing?!?" Natasha yelled out, trying to get to the bracelet on the floor, but the burning winds that seemed to suddenly emanate from you wouldn't let her get closer.

"Take care of each other. And of Wanda and Carol. That 's all I ask." You said, your voice no longer solely yours.

You saw a rising shadow on the ground, signaling the presence of wings on your back. Blood red wings engulfed in flames. The Phoenix's wings.

Clint was rooted to the ground, your power vicious enough to paralyze those of weaker minds.

Natasha, though? She was fighting to get to you, the winds clearly burning her skin, yet she didn't give up. You turned away from her, not wanting to see her struggle.

It was a short walk to the edge of the cliff, you didn't want to look back. If you said goodbye it'd make it feel more real. So you just jumped.

And then you felt her hand on your wrist, the searing heat making her skin burn, and yet, she didn't let go.

"No, please. Not you." She cried, and even with tear stained cheeks she was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen "I can't lose you like this. The world can't lose you. You're the only one of us that really deserves to live life to its full potential."

And then, as if her touch made your power purr in her presence, Clint broke free, running to where you were dangling and taking your other wrist in his hands.

This was hurting them, both physically and mentally, you saw the skin on their hands blistering, you saw the redness in their arms, the tears in their eyes not just from the pain.

"Let me go," you said with a sad smile. They had their families, they had their jobs, their missions; their homes.

You had nothing, all you did was take up too much space or time. They deserved to live, even if you left them in ruins.

"It's not gonna work!" Natasha shouted in desperation, her expression one of pure anguish "I don't love you! It's not gonna work!"

You smiled sadly at her. She really didn't love you, did she? She just tolerated you.

"It 's ok, Natty. It'll work. You may not love me, but Clint does " you said, smiling at her through your own tears.

"Y/N, please, don't do this," Clint begged too, sobbing as he held onto you with all his strength.

"It's ok," you repeated, and if it was to calm them or yourself , you didn't know, "it's gonna be ok".

You used whatever little control you had over your powers to push them away. As your body tumbled to the ground the last thing you remembered was the way Natasha used to laugh at your jokes, enjoy your food, take you out on dates. The last thing you remembered was how she used to love your presence, and not just tolerate it.

Maybe one day someone would be enough to have their love celebrated by her.

When Natasha and Clint woke up not much later in a galaxy colored lake, she clutched the stone that had appeared in her hands, wishing with all her might that it turned out different, that the last words she said to you weren't "I don't love you."

She loved you. Always did. Always would.

Wanda sat in front of your gravestone, her hair disheveled, her eyes red shot, her cheeks tear stained. She hugged her knees as she sobbed, longing for the presence of who could no longer be by her side. She had lost her parents, then Pietro, Vision, and now you.

She sobbed more and more, the pitiful sound getting louder.

She felt a hand on her shoulder then, and she looked up to see red shot brown eyes.

Carol sat beside her, taking her hand and squeezing it a little.

She understood what Wanda was going through, she was grieving you as well, and even though Wanda and Vision were planning on starting a life together, the witch suspected the Captain wouldn't have said no if you'd asked the same thing from her. So she, too, lost her love, even if she never got the courage to confess it.

It was a hot day, the sunlight shone perpendicular through the clearing where your grave has been put, creating a magical scenery all around the place.

And yes, the day was hot, but was it supposed to be this hot?

Wanda shook her head, her brows starting to sweat.

And then the sunlight vanished, as if something gigantic was blocking its path. She and Carol looked up, but all they could see were the trees blocking the sky from view.

The animalistic cry they heard didn't come from the trees, though.

Neither did the blood red feather falling through the leaves, its tip engulfed in fire.

Wanda and Carol looked at each other, and for the first time in weeks, they smiled.

Natasha Romanoff Taglist: @strangegardentaco, @madamevirgo, @Lovelyy-moonlight, @agent99galanzo, @red1culous

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thatonebrazilian · 1 year

Text

Peace

Summary: How could someone like you ever give her the peace of mind you knew she deserved?

Word count: Around 8700

Warnings: Self-loathing, a little bit of blood and violence, mentions of torture, Weapon Hex!Reader (meaning Reader has both Wanda's and Wolverine's powers).

A/N: First fic after the hiatus. It was cathartic to write this, it felt so different from my usual writing style full off dialog and action. Hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

You met her during a raid. More specifically, you met her as she and the Avengers raided the Hydra base where you have been kept.

At the time you didn't really pay attention to her, even if she was the most beautiful woman you've ever laid eyes upon. Your mind was occupied with the all-consuming fear that paralyzed you, for despite the power that resided in you, you were no warrior. You were a nobody, someone who was taken simply because no one would miss you.

As luck would have it, though, you survived a mix of the most dangerous experiments Hydra has ever made. They called you Weapon Hex, but you were no weapon, you were merely a frightened girl with overwhelming powers.

You had never had much courage, and instead of changing that, your stay at Hydra only reinforced it.

But then, suddenly, your captors were lying motionless on the ground as you crouched down in a corner with your hands covering your head. One of the Avengers tried approaching you, almost as if you were a wild animal. Your reaction was merely instinctual, your magic flared up, throwing whoever got near you to the far side of the lab; your claws came out, and you accidentally stabbed yourself, yelping in pain, feeling your magic explode outwards in response to the well-known stimulus.

"Please, don't hurt me!" You begged, backing up as they tried approaching you again, dragging yourself through the floor as far away from them as you could.

"No one here's gonna hurt you, kid," said the beautiful redhead, raising her hands in a peaceful gesture.

"Nat, back away from her, she's dangerous," said a man with a bow and arrow.

"She's scared, Clint." The woman, Nat, replied.

You didn't know that woman, you didn't know those people, but looking in her eyes you felt safer than you ever did since you were taken.

"What are you doing here?" A blond man asked, taking a step closer.

You tried backing away once again, but your back met another wall. You were cornered.

The redhead reproached the blond man with a single look, making him take a step back, she looked at you then and smiled faintly.

"We're not gonna hurt you, kid, I promise. We just want to understand why you're here," the woman said, taking another step closer. You didn't try to back away this time, but you looked hesitantly at the men behind her.

She understood your hesitance, your fear, so she ordered them to clear the rest of the base, and they promptly obeyed.

"Now," she said, "can you tell me what happened?"

And that's how you found yourself telling her everything from the moment you got taken to where you were now; you told her about every single torture session, every single pinprick.

That was the first time you opened up to Natasha Romanoff.

You were not Avenger material; you knew that, they knew that, and yet, you stayed. Your powers were exceptional, the overwhelming magic, the super strength that could easily rival Captain America's, and the neverending healing that prevented your body from being damaged for more than a couple of seconds. If you didn't learn how to control it, you'd be exposing everyone around you to danger; that's why you stayed, were forced to stay.

They said they weren't keeping you a prisoner, that once you mastered control over your powers you'd be able to leave. In the beginning you didn't really believe it, but then, little by little, they earned your trust.

Steve started training you to control your super strength, and contrary to Hydra training, he never hurt you; quite the opposite really, he talked to you, made jokes and told you about all the times he kicked Hydra ass.

Thor tried helping you with your magic, but that didn't turn out great. Since there was no magic user on the team, hence no one to teach you practical magic, Natasha thought it best to help you master your self control and willpower in general.

Contrary to Steve's lessons, Natasha's were more strict. She didn't make jokes, she talked only when necessary, and glared at you whenever you were too out of it. You found it was a complete opposite of her normal behavior towards you.

For some reason, Natasha Romanoff, the most intimidating member of the Avengers, was soft on you. Maybe it was because you were the only other girl on the team, maybe she pitied you for your cowardice, or maybe she was a bit protective since you were the youngest. Whatever the reason, though, you were grateful for it.

She was troubled, you found. In the dead of the night, she'd trash on her bed, riddled by nightmares, only to wake up startled. You could feel her fears, her nightmares screamed at you from the opposite side of the hall; with your powers, you could feel her every move, hear her every labored breath, almost as if you were by her side.

That was how you found out that she didn't wake up everyday at 4am because she wanted to.

Steve, now one of your best friends, told you they'd run together at 4:45 every single morning, and you had mistakenly thought she did it out of discipline. Truth was, she only did it because she knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

That's how you found yourself in the kitchen at 4 am, with two mugs of tea ready. You didn't need as much sleep as the average person, what with your body healing itself every few seconds, so you thought, why not?

"What're you doing up at this hour, kid?" Natasha asked, walking into the kitchen.

You shrugged and offered her a mug "I don't really need much sleep, and I thought some tea would be nice".

You were no spy, no actor, but you honestly thought she would buy that little white lie. You realized how foolish that was when you saw her shoulders tense, an expression of anger taking over her face, one you saw many times before, but never directed at you. You could hear her thoughts, she thought you invaded her privacy, and betrayed her trust.

"You know about the nightmares, don't you?" She asked, taking a menacing step towards you.

Your time at the Avengers tower helped you control yourself better, but you were still the same scared, traumatized girl they took in a few months ago, and upon seeing that expression on her face, that threatening stance she took, your automatic response was to take a couple of steps back and use your arms to protect your face for the inevitable blows that would come.

But no blows came, and slowly but surely you lowered your arms, allowing yourself to see the mix of guilt and surprise written on her face.

She took a couple of hesitant steps forward, you didn't back away this time.

"I'm sorry," she said in a low voice, extending her hand slowly towards you, "I'm so sorry."

And then you were in her arms, head tucked in her neck as she embraced you delicately "I'm never gonna hurt you, kid, no matter what."

That was the first time you felt your heart beating erratically because of any emotion other than fear.

You were not emotionally illiterate, you knew what you were feeling most of the time, but the green, ugly feeling that arose in you every time you saw Natasha and Bruce together was somewhat new.

To be honest, you never really had anyone to be jealous of, you never fell in love, you barely had friends, and you and your family were estranged, that was the main reason Hydra took you, actually, because nobody would miss you.

So yeah, when the first person you deeply cared for in such a long time showed so much interest in somebody else, yes, you became jealous.

Weirdly enough, somehow, you managed to become friends with most of the team. You didn't know what they saw in you, you didn't know why they even spared a glance your way, and yet somehow you managed to earn a place in their hearts, which, if you were honest, only made you feel more conflicted as you watched Natasha flirt with Bruce.

They were your friends, for fucks sake, you wanted them to be happy, more than anything, but you couldn't shake the bad feeling growing in the pit of your stomach.

Each time she would laugh at his jokes, each time she would touch his arm, each time he would stare longingly at her, you would just wish them happiness in your head, but the war raging inside your heart told you that you wanted her to look at you that way. You, not him.

The fact that she was so soft with you didn't help matters. Each day at 4:00 a.m. you would have tea together, and each day she would tell you more and more about her past.

She told you about Yelena, Ohio, and the whole mission. She told you some things about the Red Room, although she became a little bit closed off whenever it came to that. It was clear as day how much her past weighed on her, the tenseness of her shoulder gave it away, along with the sleepless nights, the slight paranoia, and the trust issues.

You wished, more than anything, you were able to give her peace of mind somehow, but she was set on achieving it by trying to make up for all the red in her ledger.

Maybe someday you would get the courage to tell her that none of that was her fault, maybe someday you'd tell her that she was the best person you have ever crossed paths with, that she didn't need to make up for anything.

Maybe someday you would outgrow your fears and tell her how you felt.

But then, seeing the way she looks at Bruce and vice versa, maybe that day would never come.

It still amazed you the trust the team put in you, the problem was that you didn't deserve that trust.

On your first mission with them, the moment someone pointed a gun your way you froze. Steve dove in front of you just in time for the bullet to bounce against his shield. After that Clint promptly pulled you away from the action.

During your second mission, they deemed it better to leave you on the sidelines, where there would be fewer people trying to kill you. It didn't work out that well, though, for the moment someone came to you wielding a knife, you panicked and your powers flared out, throwing the enemy so hard their skull bashed open when they landed.

After that, Natasha started training you in physical combat along with your willpower and self-control training. Her focus was on you being able to duck and defend because she knew that if you learned to defend yourself, you would probably be less susceptible to freaking out mid-battle.

On the one hand, you did think it was going to help you during battles, but on the other, having her touch your body so frequently made you feel things. And Natasha didn't make things easy for you, she would come behind you and put her hands on your waist to show you the correct stance, and she would run her hands down your back or your sides each time she wanted to show you a new way to duck or dodge, and she would smile that dazzling smile of hers whenever you did something that made her proud.

"I think you're doing better," she said once, with a soft smile on her face "soon you'll be able to hold your own in the battlefield".

At that you retreated a little into yourself, wondering how such a powerful person as you could be so cowardly and selfish as to avoid fighting even when it meant you could save lives, while someone without any superhuman abilities such as Natasha could risk her own life to save others.

"I don't know, Nat" you said then, "I just don't think this will work. How will I even know what to do? I mean, I've never had the courage to follow up on my convictions, as long as danger was near, but now that I was made into this, danger's always around the corner… They say you attract what you are, and I am dangerous. I'm a danger to all of you."

At that, Natasha walked up to you. You didn't even seem to notice what she was doing, too wrapped up in your head, but then you felt her arms around you and your body instantly relaxed. What you did notice, though, was how she seemed to melt against you.

She was such a brave, strong, selfless person. All you wanted was to be able to make her see that too. You wanted her to feel relaxed most of the time, you wanted her to sleep soundly, and you wanted her mind to be at ease. But how could you, of all people, ever give her peace?

The upcoming missions weren't as bad as you thought they would be. Granted, you were never in the thick of it, you were never in the center field fighting with the others, but you did help from the sidelines, sneaking up on the enemy and making surprise attacks.

Your reaction to having any weapon pointed at you never got much better, though. You would freeze, tremble, and unwillingly blast magic at whoever tried to attack you. At least with Natasha's help, you learned to contain yourself, and there were never any more casualties when you entered the battlefield.

You wish you could say your reaction to seeing her and Bruce flirt got better, but it was stagnant, the green monster of jealousy never failing to show up whenever you'd see them together.

Steve seemed to catch up on that, and he took upon always offering you a way out whenever he realized you saw them flirting. Thus you began spending more time together, and whenever he tried to comfort you you felt a pain in your chest, for Steve reminded you too much of your late brother, the only person in your family that ever stood up for you.

And as you watched his face fall whenever he saw Tony and Pepper together, you realized you were not alone in your suffering.

At least you had each other.

You would never admit to anyone that you welcomed the distraction Ultron's bots gave you at that party. You couldn't handle the way Natasha and Bruce interacted with each other at that bar, and when the robots crashed in, you welcomed the distraction.

But then things started getting so out of control. First with the Maximoff twins, who you have heard of during your time in captivity. You had only heard their names by chance because no one in Hydra would trust you with vital information. You didn't know what their powers were, what they were capable of, or what they looked like. But then the girl used her magic to get into the other's head; she tried to do the same to you, she did, but by then you knew enough about magic to be able to block hers when it came in contact with yours.

The girl was shocked when she realized you had the same sort of magic as her, and then it dawned on her who you were.

"You're the Weapon Hex," she said to herself. You didn't say anything back, didn't have time, because by then her brother had already swooped her away.

You didn't chase after them, though, you turned as fast as you could and ran to where you'd seen Natasha, stagnant as a rock, glassy eyes haunted, staring right through you.

Your fingers touched her temple, and you could feel your magic warring against Wanda's inside her head.

Almost as if you were transported, you could see yourself in a sterile room with a younger Natasha by your side, strapped to a stretcher. She looked at you with no recognition in her eyes, and you didn't know what to do.

When you heard people getting closer to the room you saw a glint of panic in her eyes, so you did the only thing you knew how to do. You hid. And then, when the door opened, you took them by surprise. They weren't fast enough to escape the blinding red light that came at them.

With her captors out, you neared the stretcher, and as gently as you could, you unsheathed your claws and cut the straps holding her down.

This version of Natasha was so much younger than the one you were used to, her eyes were wide as you freed her, her muscles tense as she sat up.

You hesitantly reached for her hand, but she pulled away at the last second. You knelt on the floor, then, and looked into her eyes, trying to show her that in no way, shape or form you intended to assert any type of dominance over her.

"Nat, it's me, Y/N," you said, debating if you should try to reach for her hand again or not. "This is a nightmare, we were at a Hydra base when a witch attacked us. You're not in the Red Room, you're an Avenger, a freaking superhero. You saved a lot of people. You saved me."

She blinked a couple of times, and you saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes.

"Detka?" She asked, looking at your whole face almost as if she was analyzing you. You didn't know what that word meant, but you nodded anyway. You needed her to feel calmer so you could get her out of here.

Her shoulders relaxed a little and she took a deep breath, you reached for her hand again, then, and the moment your fingers touched, blinding red light emanated from them, taking you both to the real world.

You didn't expect the sudden dizziness, though, nor to feel your legs tangling with hers as you both tried to support yourselves on each other. And with a little shriek, you stumbled, landing right above her on the floor.

Natasha sat halfway up then, elbows supporting her, her eyes looking at you with what you could only describe as gratitude.

"Thank you." She practically whispered against your face, nose almost touching yours, making you realize how close you two were.

You got up fast with the excuse of helping the others. You avoided her for the rest of the day, too embarrassed to even look her in the eye.

Clint's farm was a charming place, and you felt a warmth in your chest when you met his family.

His wife, Laura, thought you were a sweet oddball, she took an instant liking to you. Little Lila was ecstatic to see another girl in the group. Upon seeing you for the first time, she asked Natasha if you were a superhero too, and as soon as she heard "She's the strongest superhero you'll ever meet", Lila immediately clang to you like a koala.

On the one hand, you felt a sense of belonging like you never had before, but on the other… it was not safe for any child to be around you, like it or not you were still dangerous, what if you lost control near the kids? What if your claws accidentally stabbed a pregnant Laura?

Overwhelmed by those thoughts, you took the first opportunity to slip outside when no one noticed. You didn't need to stay there at the farm, you could find a place to hide on your own.

As you were stabilizing your magic to fly, Natasha came from the house. You couldn't decipher the look on her face.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

Upon hearing her voice you felt your energy deflate, almost as if she was grounding you to her.

"It's not safe if I stay here," you said.

Natasha crossed her arms and took a couple of steps closer. "So what, you're just going to leave? Find a place to hide on your own?"

You could feel your eyes starting to burn, your shoulders sagging, "What if I hurt them, Nat? Look at me! I am too dangerous to be around children and pregnant women!"

She stopped for a second, almost as if she couldn't believe the words that left your mouth. She shook her head, then, and took a couple more steps towards you, her face showing nothing but understanding.

She hesitatingly extended her hand, almost as if she was wary of touching you.

That, right there, was another reason for you to go. After the whole Wanda fiasco, Natasha seemed hesitant to touch you. Although you two became way closer than before, it wasn't hard to notice her hesitance whenever it came to skin-to-skin contact. And maybe it was petty of you, but sometimes you found yourself wanting to draw away just to give her the physical space she seemed so keen on having.

But right there at that moment, she wanted to touch you, and you couldn't say no. Natasha slowly took your hands in hers, caressing your knuckles with her thumbs.

"You are the gentlest soul that I've ever met, you won't harm Laura or the kids." She said, looking deep into your eyes. "Do you really think Clint would have let you come anywhere near the farm if he thought you were a danger to his family?"

"But there's always the risk… As long as I'm here, there's always the risk of them getting hurt." You said, shaking your head, trying to pull your hands away from her grasp.

Natasha strengthened her hold on you, and with a slight tremble to her body, she pulled you in, embracing you.

"Please, stay, just a bit more… For me." She whispered against your ear, making your resolve crumble.

You melted against her, gripping her shirt in your fists as if she was the only thing keeping you up, tucking your face in her neck as if you wanted to hide from the world.

"For you. I'll stay for you."

"You know… it's been going on for a while." Steve said as the two of you sat on the porch, looking at the trail where Natasha and Bruce were walking together.

"What?" you asked, almost as if coming out of a trance.

"The two of them," Steve said, "it's been going on since before she met you."

You turn to look at him with furrowed brows "Is it? I've never realized…"

"They've been spending more time together in the last couple of months, but they don't seem as close as before." He said "Even if Natasha's been more open to physical touch. Well… she's been more open in general. I think it has something to do with you."

"Has she?" You asked "Because from where I stand, it feels like she's withdrawing from me…" you sighed and shook your head "I mean, we've been spending more time together too, but it's almost like she's afraid of touching me."

"I think she is afraid." Steve said, looking at her in the distance.

"What?" you asked, a crushing feeling settling in your chest "Do you really think she's afraid of me?"

"No, not of you. I think she's afraid you're going to leave." Steve replied.

"Why would she think that?"

"You never wanted this life, Y/N, and we always knew that." He kicked a bit of dirt, refusing to meet your gaze "We made you stay for you to learn how to control your powers… and now you have. After we deal with Ultron, nothing is stopping you from leaving us."

You hung your head, rubbing your temple with one hand as Steve gently patted the other.

"I've got nowhere to go, Steve. My family deserted me after finding out I was bi, the very few friends that I had have probably assumed I'm dead by now, I was living in a shitty apartment and working a minimum wage job. There's nothing for me to go back to." You said, then, raising your head to look at the sky "You're right. I never wanted this, and I've never asked for these powers, but that's not going to change the fact that I have them now and that I could do some good with them. But more than that, you guys became my family. I'd never leave you behind."

A huge smile lit up Steve's face, and he swung an arm over your shoulder, hugging you sideways.

"Well, don't let Tony hear that, otherwise he'll want to throw you a party," he joked "But seriously, Y/N, you're our family too. I'm glad you're staying."

You opened your mouth to reply, but the sound of Laura's voice made you stop.

"There you are!" She said with a mischievous smile on her face, drying her hands on her apron. "Steve, come with me, I need some super strength. Y/N, go get Natasha and Bruce for dinner."

"You do know I have super strength, too, right?" You asked with a lift of your brows.

"Yes, sweetie, but you're also as clumsy as they come. Now, shoo, go get those two idiots." Laura replied, making you laugh out loud.

"Yes ma'am!" You said, getting up and saluting her.

"So bossy," Steve mouthed behind her back. You had to hold back your laughter this time, lest she realize what he did.

You shook your head in amusement and turned around, looking at where Nat and Bruce stood. It could be considered a pretty romantic setting, both of them leaning against the fence, looking at the setting sun.

You really didn't want to go there, you didn't want to see how cozy they felt with each other, you didn't want to witness their mutual affections, but you also didn't want to stress a pregnant woman, so off you went.

They didn't see you approaching, you supposed they were too wrapped up on each other.

"You're the most wonderful woman I've ever met, I care about you too much to ever let you go." You heard Bruce say, your heart feeling heavy at those words.

"You know I find you just as wonderful," Natasha answered, her hand caressing his. "Yeah… Even though I'm a monster," he said barely above a whisper, eyes trained on their hands.

"Hey, there's only one monster in our team, and it's not you." She said, and you froze.

Was she talking about you? You looked at your hands then, seeing the slits from where your claws came out. You remembered the redness of your eyes whenever you were wielding magic, the way the very few serious injuries you'd had during your time with the Avengers healed almost instantly.

Of course she was talking about you, who else would she be talking about?

"That's no excuse, though," Bruce said, shaking his head.

"It's not. I already told you the main reason." Natasha said with a somewhat sad smile. "Bruce, I love-"

You cleared your throat, not wanting to hear her saying those words to him. "Sorry to interrupt," you said, then, not looking either of them in the eyes "but Laura asked me to fetch you for dinner."

Natasha raised a single brow, a smirk on her face. "Fetch us?" She teased.

You still didn't meet her eyes, though. You weren't mad at her for calling you a monster, you really weren't, because how could you be mad at her for telling the truth?

Yet, you knew it'd hurt to look at her right at that moment, so you just nodded, turned around and left.

You didn't make it far, though. Natasha caught up to you, her hand around your wrist. You hesitantly turned to face her, eyes downcast.

"Y/N, what happened?" She asked in a worried tone.

Your eyes landed where your skin was touching hers. It felt so right, but at the same time, so wrong. Natasha was a true hero, a person raised as a weapon, a woman taught naught but evil; lying, deceiving and killing were ingrained in her, and yet she fought against that nature every single day. She was a paragon of goodness.

Her integrity made you feel small and insufficient. It felt so wrong to taint that selflessness of hers with your monstrosity. It felt like you were wasting her honor.

"Detka," she said, hesitating before cupping your face with her other hand, making you look at her.

She had a worried look on her face. You bit your lip. You owed her the truth; of what you had just listened in to, of how you felt.

You didn't want to say it, no, but Natasha deserved nothing but honesty, even if said honesty did irreparable damage to your friendship with her.

You may be a monster on the outside, but there was enough humanity left in you to know that you shouldn't shy away from doing what was right just because it hurt.

"I heard you and Bruce talking…" you said, then, closing your eyes "I knew you were just being nice when you told me I wouldn't hurt Laura or the kids, when you told me I was gentle, but… If you really think I'm a monster, why ask me to stay? Why put yourself and the others in danger?"

A beat of silence. Two. Three.

You opened your eyes and looked at her, and for some reason, Natasha seemed utterly confused.

"What are you talking about?" She asked then.

"You told Bruce there was only one monster in our team." You explained, making her eyes widen a little before a look of pure determination settled on her face.

She gripped your shoulders, then, making you look deep into her eyes.

"Y/N, you are not a monster." She said, her fingers digging into your skin "I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about myself. I told you once and I'll tell you however many times you'll need to understand: You are the best person I have ever crossed paths with. You're just so good. Your heart is pure, you somehow managed to maintain a certain innocence in your soul despite everything that's happened to you. You are not a monster, you could never be one."

You furrowed your brows and gritted your teeth. Your heart did somersaults upon hearing her words, butterflies swarmed your stomach, and yet you felt terribly angry. How dare she talk about herself like that?

Natasha Romanoff was the exact opposite of a monster. She was an angel, a goddess in disguise.

"Why would you say that about yourself?" You asked through gritted teeth "I'd understand if it was about me, because even if you say I'm good, my skeleton is still made of metal, I still have claws, my eyes still turn red and yet I keep on being a fucking coward. But Natasha, despite not having any power whatsoever you still risk your life every single day for people you don't even know. You keep trying to clean up your ledger when you were forced to paint it red in the first place." You said, taking her hands in yours "You're not just any hero, you're my hero. You're the one who made me realize that I could do this, that I could be someone who helps people. You're the one who made me want to stay and become a full-fledged Avenger."

She didn't say anything for a moment, and you thought you went too far, that she'd push you away due to her own realization of your feelings, but then her eyes seemed to water and a smile lit up her face.

Coming to think about it, Steve was right, you never saw her smile as much as she did when she was you, and it made you wonder… maybe you'd never be able to give her the peace she deserves, but you were like a fire and you could keep her brittle heart warm.

"You're staying," she said more to herself than to you, as if there ever was the possibility of you leaving her.

"As long as you'll have me," you told her, then, taking advantage of the small amount of courage that ran through your veins at that moment to take a step towards her, getting rid of most of the distance that separated you and snaking your arms around her.

You were ready to open your mouth and tell her how much she meant to you, to tell her how she made your heart beat faster, how you never felt like someone cared for you like she does, but then your traitor brain recalled the one moment that'd make you pull back.

She was ready to confess her love for Bruce when you interrupted them.

And suddenly the butterflies in your stomach seemed to die, your heart started to ache and your eyes to burn. You couldn't tell her how you felt, you couldn't put that weight on her shoulders. She cared about you too much, she'd be devastated if she knew she was causing you any sort of pain. You couldn't burden her with that.

"Nat, I'm really sorry for interrupting you and Bruce earlier," you told her "and I want you to know that-"

You couldn't finish the sentence with her mouth pressed against yours. Your brain short-circuited, you didn't know what to do, except your body did. You didn't even realize you were opening your mouth to let her in, you didn't realize that your hands were pulling her hips against yours, you were too intoxicated by her to differentiate between up and down.

When her lips parted from yours, a muttered "wow" left your mouth without permission, making Natasha chuckle and bringing you back to the real world, the world where she was about to confess her love for Bruce a couple of minutes ago.

"Nat… what are you doing?" You asked in a small voice as her face got closer to yours again, too afraid to drive her away.

You felt your stomach drop when you saw her body stiffen, the smile on her face slowly dying.

"I thought… I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm gonna-" She was already turning away, but you caught her wrist with both hands, too afraid to let her go even if you knew you'd never make her stay if she didn't want to.

"I liked it!" You found yourself saying in a sudden bout of courage "A lot. I've been wanting to do that for a while, but you were about to tell Bruce you love him and I don't know what-"

"What?!" She asked, almost as if you had offended her.

"When I came to get the two of you, you were about to confess your love to him… were you not?"

Natasha's eyes searched your face for a while. You didn't know what she was looking for, but whatever it was, she must've found it, because her smile came back as she took a step closer and cupped your cheeks.

"You're right, I was about to confess my love." She said and you closed your eyes for a second, but when Natasha's thumbs started caressing your cheeks, you opened them to see her looking at you with a very familiar glint in her eyes.

"I was about to confess to him how much I love you."

You opened your mouth, but no words came, you were too stunned, not having expected to hear those words.

"What?" You asked then, dumbfounded, barely above a whisper.

"Bruce and I had this unspoken thing before you came along, and the more I spent time with you the more I drew away from him." She said, and to be honest, you never realized that, because your main focus was always her. "He asked me to give us a last chance, and I tried to make it up to him by spending as much time as I could by his side… but what you were about to witness was the moment I finally told him this is not working." She took a deep breath and rested her forehead against yours. "I've been in love with you for months, it wouldn't be fair to any of us if I chose him, knowing that I love you."

You felt tears pooling in your eyes, and your heart was beating erratically, but you never felt as happy as you did at that moment.

You pulled her mouth to yours then, muttering between kisses that you loved her too.

After that, you felt a strange sort of confidence you've never felt before. Maybe it was because little by little you were becoming more courageous, or maybe it was because you knew Natasha would be by your side no matter what.

You didn't change overnight, no, but you didn't shy away from things as much as you did before.

Natasha made you want to be better.

There was no label to what you two had, it was all too new, too fragile. You didn't want to spoil anything. The only thing you knew was that things with her felt… common, mundane, but not in a bad sense, it's just- you could be yourself with her, and she didn't have to put up any walls with you.

Even in the midst of all the hectic dangerous day to day of an Avenger, you still felt at home with her.

Taking down Ultron was a piece of cake compared to having to deal with the Sokovia Accords.

Of course you sided with Steve, and you had to admit it broke your heart a little to see Natasha taking Tony's side, but you couldn't accept being controlled by anyone anymore. You wouldn't.

Tony's side had no chance against you and Wanda together. The two of you immediately became friends after meeting; Vision attributed this instant connection to your powers, both coming from the same source.

It was almost as if you could feel her, and all you felt was sadness and pain. You felt yourself wanting to be a guiding light in the poor witch's life, even if your own was pretty much miserable before the Avengers.

Natasha took it upon herself to help you make Wanda feel at home, and your love for the ex-assassin only grew. You wondered how someone who was taught only evil could be so inherently good.

It didn't take long for Wanda to become one of your best friends, second only to Natasha.

Whenever you and the witch fought together you were unstoppable and, when the time came to fight against half of your new family, it showed.

Rhodes laid half dead on the floor, Vision had a couple of sparks leaving his body as if he was overworking himself, the Spider-Man stood trapped in a magical cage, and Tony's suit got destroyed in the blink of an eye.

The sight of Natasha going against T'Challa, taking a stance on the right side, made your heart swell with both pride and affection.

Of course, things wouldn't be easy in the future, both of you went against the law, and you were officially fugitives, but in your eyes, it was worth it.

You helped Wanda escape with Vision after Steve and Bucky left, and you promptly took Natasha's hand and flew away from the United States.

It was a couple of weeks later when you found yourself in Norway with her, living the quiet life in a trailer.

The quiet life didn't even last a whole night.

You were nervous about sleeping in the same bed as her; the two of you were taking things slow so both of you could learn to navigate each other's trauma and, hopefully, heal together.

The night after her first confession you had decided to ask Natasha why she was drawing away from you so much. You learned of her views on physical touch, and of how she acted when her feelings became too overwhelming. She told you she drew away from you because she was scared of her feelings, as she never felt for someone as much as she felt for you.

For her, physical touch was something superficial, trivial, something she was taught to use as a weapon, as a means of manipulation, so when she found herself so enamored with you she didn't want to sully you with her touch.

It took a while to make Natasha realize that her hands were clean, not a single drop of red in them. She more than made up for all the things she was forced to do when in the Red Room. It took time, but she finally started seeing how she was more than deserving of your touch (which was ironic, for you never felt deserving of hers).

So, yeah, you were nervous about finally spending your first night sleeping in the same bed… that didn't happen, though.

First came the Taskmaster, then Budapest, Yelena, the prison break, and finally Melina. And weirdly enough, her dysfunctional family became a supporting system for you, almost as much as her.

You always knew what Natasha was capable of, but after seeing the Red Room first hand you finally understood why.

Somehow, someway, Dreykov and his Widows found out about you, and more than that, they found out about your relationship with Natasha. Now he didn't want just her, he wanted the two of you.

So there you were, strapped to a chair, with cuffs that somehow inhibited both your magic and your super strength. And as if that wasn't enough, the Taskmaster held a strange gun in her hands, a gun that, according to Dreykov, could bypass your healing factor.

Things seemed dire; you were incapacitated while Natasha couldn't really do anything against Dreykov, nor could she attack the Taskmaster (otherwise Dreykov's gun would be tested for real). But your Natalia was a smart one, thus when Dreykov lost the battle of wills and attacked, Nat acted as if he was actually hurting her, and finally, when he punched her face for the last time, she threw herself to the floor near the chair you were strapped to.

With hands moving almost faster than your eyes could follow, she broke you off of your chains, and in a flurry of movement, she severed her nerve by bashing her head against the chair.

With the two of you free, she flung herself at Dreykov and you used your magic to blast the gun away from the Taskmaster, sending the girl you now knew to be Antonia right through the wall.

With red eyes and unsheathed claws, you used your magic to bind Dreykov's hands and feet apart, making him float midair as Natasha approached him slowly.

"You know, you were all safe, hidden in the dark," Nat said, each menacing step she took made Dreykov's eyes widen a little bit more "but you messed up. I bet you never realized my sister took after me."

Natasha was now face to face with him, her eyes full of a hatred you had never seen before "And as if your own mess up wasn't enough, you had to go and threaten the woman I'm going to marry someday; that's when you painted a big fat target on your sorry back"

You could feel Natasha's satisfaction as she punched him in the face, again and again, and again. She procured a knife then, and buried it in Dreykov's gut with a finality that only came from fulfilling a long, overdue mission.

But then you saw a red beam of light coming straight her way, your eye identified Antonia's gun on the girl's lap, pointing at Nat.

Your body didn't freeze this time, quite the contrary, it moved almost as if on its own accord, not that you'd ever do something different. You've always heard that love was for show, but you loved Natasha Romanoff so much that you'd die for her in secret, with only her's and Antonia's gazes as witnesses to your sacrifice.

You jumped. The bean hit you.

Even if you didn't survive, it would be ok, after all, just the knowledge that Nat loved you as much as you did her was enough to have made life worth living.

Your burial was scheduled in a secluded place, Nat reached out to all the other Avengers, and even the ones who signed the accords declared a truce in honor of your memory.

Steve knelt beside your coffin and cried his eyes out, for you were the sister he never had. Pepper held Tony and he buried his face in her neck in a failed attempt to hide his tears. Yelena petted Natasha's back as the redhead cried hunched over your body.

Nat blamed herself for not being able to break Clint free in time for your farewell, but she couldn't stand seeing your unmoving body anymore. She'd had Melina examine you, then she called in a couple of favors and got you to the best doctors money could buy. No one was able to even tell what had happened to you. Not even Antonia, after she got out of her mind control, could tell what was that ray she blasted you with.

"Nat," said a voice she knew well, but she didn't want to deal with him, she didn't want to talk to anyone.

"I do not know who you are, but now is not a good time" Yelena said with a little bite in her voice.

"My name's Bruce," he said, "I just wanted to say my condolences… When did…" he trailed off, not knowing how to say it.

"It's been a week, give or take," Natasha managed to say, pulling away from your unmoving body.

She gritted her teeth when she saw the frown on Bruce's face, she didn't want to deal with whatever the problem was.

"I'm sorry for being crude, but her body's in perfect condition, shouldn't it be in process of decompos-"

"Are you being serious right now?" Yelena gritted out.

"She's dead, Bruce, we took her to the best doctors." Natasha spat out.

Bruce didn't say anything, he just took out a small switchblade and slashed your skin, making Natasha pull him away and Steve punch him hard enough to make him fly all the way to the lake nearby.

"Holy shit," said Tony, "look at her arm!"

There, in front of their eyes, your skin slowly, very very slowly, knitted itself back together.

"How's it possible her powers persisted if she's dead?" Steve asked.

Tony shook his head "because she's not dead!"

Natasha Romanoff never felt her heart beating as fast as at that moment. You weren't dead. She'd have you back by her side.

You remembered all the nights when you'd hear the sound of tossing and turning, you could practically feel her uneasiness through the walls each night. The nightmares haunted her frequently and at that time you didn't know how to make them stop.

After everything went down, Bruce and Tony managed to find out that the ray basically made your heart stop, but your powers kept your organs alive, according to them you were hibernating. They took a couple of days, but your friends got your heart beating again. Now, after breaking the others from jail and safely evading the police, you and Natasha found yourselves in Norway once again.

See, you expected your first night sharing a bed with Natasha to be somewhat hurtful. You expected to see with your own eyes the extent of her nightmares, you expected not to be able to properly sleep due to the tossing and turning. Turns out you really didn't sleep, not because of her, but because you wanted to be awake, to be able to comfort her just in case.

A part of you found it weird that she didn't show any signs of bad dreams since you imagined that sleeping beside Natasha would be a testament to how haunted she was; you imagined the mumbling, the sweat, and the expression on her face that would show you what you always knew about. Her dreams were haunted by her past.

You imagined she'd twist and turn every night, you imagined you'd use your magic to soothe her.

As the days went by and you saw no sign of her night terrors, sleep came easily to you.

One particular morning she woke up before you, the light of the morning sun filtered through the window and bathed you in sunlight. You were facing her, your eyes closed, your hair a beautiful mess. She knew then and there that she'd never be able to live without you, that if one day you really left her behind, she'd promptly follow you.

You opened your eyes slowly only to see her already awake, looking at you as if she wanted to remember every single detail.

"Hi," you said with a shy smile.

"Hi," she whispered back, beaming at you.

You crept closer to her and tucked your head in her neck, basking in her smell, her warmth. You didn't say anything more, and neither did she, and that brought a lightness in your chest that you could only hope to be replicated in hers. There you two were, relaxed, tranquil, basking in the silence that only comes when two people understand each other, when there's strong enough a bond to form a family. She was your family, and it showed in the way you looked at her, in the way you touched her, in the way you always thought of her first. It showed in the way you interacted with her family, in the way you became thick as thieves with her sister, whom you now see as your own.

But there was just one thing that always bothered you…

"Will it be enough if I can never give you peace?" You asked her then, because you couldn't give her that, and Natasha Romanoff, more than anyone in the world, deserved peace.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, but it was a rhetorical question. You furrowed your brows and pulled back a little to look at her.

"You went through so much, Natasha; more than any other person I know. You, more than anyone, deserve to just be relaxed and not have to look over your shoulder; you deserve to sleep soundlessly and not be hunted down by any nightmare; you deserve not to feel the weight of everything that was forced onto you. I can't give you that." You said then, barely above a whisper, your eyes looking deep into hers. "I can't give you peace."

"Detka," she said, caressing your face, a small smile lighting up her beautiful features, "peace is not something you're normally able to give to other people… but if there's someone that does it for me, it's you".

You couldn't have heard it right, could you? How could you, of all people, offer it to her?

"What?" You asked then, perplexed.

"You helped me with getting my family back, you made me see that I made up for everything I've done under the Red Room's name; With you, I never have to look over my shoulder, I feel relaxed enough because I know you're always going to look out for me; I never have to worry about my enemies getting ahold of you, because you defied death itself; there's also the nightmares, I haven't had a single one since I first slept by your side. And of course, the love. You make me feel loved, truly loved, I've never thought someone could love me so wholly, but you do, and I love you just as much, and our love, in and of itself, it's peace."

You felt tears in your eyes, you felt butterflies in your stomach and bubbles in your chest. "I want to give you my all. Give you my peace, give you my wild… give you a child. I want to live the rest of my life by your side, Natasha Romanoff."

She smiled as she kissed you "Shall I buy the rings, then, my love?"

Turns out you didn't need to know if it'd be enough if you could never bring her peace, because you are her peace.

Natasha Romanoff taglist: @strangegardentaco, @madamevirgo, @Lovelyy-moonlight, @agent99galanzo