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#t.j. jr
nat-without-a-g · 2 months
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I probably shouldn’t find this funny, but as someone who was Terrified of learning to drive, I could never imagine being in TJ’s position. Your first time driving, you are the oldest of your peers, and you EXPLODE THE ENGINE? I would never sit behind the wheel again. There’d be no recovering. Even IF someone manages to force me to take lessons long enough to re-learn and get a license, I’d never want to sit in the driver’s seat again in my life, I’d burn the liscense.
Aaaand I just realized that I think TJ is the only dad we never see drive a vehicle in season 2 so he probably feels the same way I do.
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moviehealthcommunity · 8 months
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Big Hero 6 (2014)
This is a Movie Health Community evaluation. It is intended to inform people of potential health hazards in movies and does not reflect the quality of the film itself. The information presented here has not been reviewed by any medical professionals.
Big Hero 6 has a few very brief moments of flickering lights, including one of the opening shots, and during a montage of self-taped tests. The first high-speed chase ends with bright police lights strobing and lighting the environment.
There are high-speed chases and flying scenes, with one of the flying scenes depicting other peril at extreme heights.
Flashing Lights: 4/10. Motion Sickness: 6/10.
TRIGGER WARNING: Grief is a central topic of this film, spurred by a character death.
NOTE: The Flashing Lights Warning Track for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is now available on our Patreon page at Patreon.com/MovieHealth. Access will be free, even without a Patreon account, until October 1.
Image ID: A promotional poster for Big Hero 6
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jeansyvesmoreau · 2 years
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T.J. is aroace because yes.
NO HEAR ME OUT
Couple hundred years or so in Valhalla with absolutely no mention of any love interest? Never gets a love interest in canon and he doesn't care? I mean come on this is Rick's gayest series why not the signs are right
there
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peantbutter-honeycombs · 10 months
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Fine. I’ll give Scary a step sibling myself! Since I guess no one else is going to read my brain an make them. TJ Stampler, Terry’s kid from a previous relationship; Scary’s step-menace sibling.
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static-symphony-fm · 22 days
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robin’s rules! pls read before requesting! 💐
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- please be nice to me, it’s the law!
-(srsly though, a simple “please” and “thank you” goes a long way!)
-no nsfw, i’m a minor! most i’ll do is suggestive stuff/making out
-not a hard rule, but pls be descriptive! have an idea in mind for the concept/plot and it’ll be easier to write
-hard nos: r*pe, inc*st, underage, anything gross like that
-fem or gender neutral reader only, pls!
characters i'll write for:
🩷 = my favs
-percy jackson
-annabeth chase🩷
-jason grace
-piper mclean🩷
-leo valdez
-will solace🩷
-nico di angelo (gn readers only!)
-frank zhang
-hazel levesque
-reyna ramírez-arellano (might be ooc I haven't read the books in a while)
-magnus chase 🩷🩷🩷!!! my husband fr
-alex fierro
-t.j. jr
-mallory keen
almost anybody else from pjo, hoo, or mcga platonically! just ask!
thank you for reading! you may now send a request!
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autisticadvocacy · 9 months
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“We can work, we can go to any school we want, we can go to more places, we can be unapologetically black AND disabled at the same time. Yes, you heard that right: we can be unapologetically black AND disabled at the same time!”
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silverlistenstothings · 11 months
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bakedbananners · 2 years
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MCGA characters names headcanons :)
This is mostly just me spitballing so if I get anything incorrect regarding naming conventions or if you have any thoughts feel free to let me know!
Magnus- full name is Magnus Acke Chase or Magnus Fredrik Chase, I think Natalie would give him a really Swedish middle name but I’m torn on whether she’d name him after her brother… either way they mean “peaceful man” or “peaceful ruler” so I think they both fit him well :) also has a sign name given to him that he uses when using ASL that I talk about here.
Alex- full name Alejandro/a del Corazón Fierro, lacking una pellida materna because of Loki. I hc that while her father picked her first name, her abuelo picked her second name- “del Corazón” meaning “from the heart” and being a feminine name seems to fit him well :)
Samirah- full name Samirah (bint Loki or bint Ahmad maybe?) al-Abbas (al-Baghdadi) but she doesn’t use the naqab or nisbah really but I think it would be there officially because her grandparents have an attachment to it. When she gets older and has kids she gets a kunya
Mallory- Mallory Audrey Keen (canonically) but FUCK the English I think her de-anglicized name would be Mallaidh Aghadreena Ní’Cahan for personal use and if she’s speaking Gaelic. “Mallaidh” meaning “bitter/beloved” and “Aghadreena” meaning “from the fields of the sloe bushes”. I think her confirmation name would be Brigid, after the Irish saint
TJ- Thomas Jefferson Jr. (canonically) howeverrrr I’m diverting from canon a bit here and saying he changes his name after learning the Union beat the Confederacy in the American Civil War (since many former enslaved people who were war veterans did the same IRL) while in Valhalla. Tobias Justice Freeman would maybe fit him? still shortened to T.J. Freeman and dropping the “junior” altogether
Halfborn- full name Gunder hálfborn Gundersøn with “Halfborn” being a byname/nickname rather than his given name. Yes I know he says his mother gave him that name but I’m tweaking canon a bit and saying it was a nickname he began using more once he joined the Vikings and it stuck with him lol. maybe also used Vǫrsa-Gunder (Gunder from Norway) as a nickname while he was alive
Lastly I think Blitzen and Hearthstone would absolutely smash their names together WHEN they get married. Blitzen and Hearthstone Freyason-Alderman ftw
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WHO IS THE BEST NPC???
REMEMBER: This poll is about the BEST NPC, not the most liked!
The two lowest voted will be eliminated!
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hazbinbossbrainrot · 1 year
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Happy Mother’s Day
Mrs Knolastname (✝️):
* Mother of Moxxie
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Tilla Buckzo (✝️)
* Mother of Blitz & Barbie
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Stella of the Ars Goetia (NOT you)
* Mother of Octavia (Jr)
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Lin
* Mother of Sallie May, Millie, and 2 others
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Octavia (Sr) of the Ars Goetia (✝️)
* Mother of Stolas and his unnamed half siblings
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AU:
Millie Knolastname:
* Mother of T.J. (surrogate) and Maggie (biological)
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deansapplepie · 4 months
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“When names are passed down, it's also common to use nicknames in everyday life rather than calling someone by their given name. For people with the suffix Jr. or II, a common nickname is Junior, Chip or a name made up of their initials (for example: D.J, T.J, etc.).”
Writer venting under the cut, read it at your own risk.
Why did I bring up this “concept”?
I received a comment at The Spitting Image about Reader’s son being called DJ, I’m going to interpret that the person didn’t like it, I asked the person to explain the comment because I didn’t understand. English is not my first language and despite knowing it very well and even teaching it, maybe I can’t understand a joke or sarcasm when it’s written. I gave some time, and as the person didn’t answer, I’m taking it as the person really didn’t like.
No problem at a person not liking what I wrote or disagreeing with something, but there’s a problem on how you say it to other people.
I know I shouldn’t feel so upset as many other people didn’t complain a thing, but human mind works on stupid ways and it have stayed on mind constantly disturbing my peace. So, I blocked the person, it’s not someone I’ve seen around here and that’s the only work that this person read, actually I guess started to read.
I may not be American, but I try to bring as much as I can of accuracy to what I write. I always see many cool names for Daryl’s kids in the stories I read and when I had the idea to write this I stopped to think about a nice name and then I thought that I never saw a story where Daryl has a son called Daryl Dixon Junior (probably there’s but I don’t know). Stopping to think, I don’t think it is Daryl’s style naming his son after him, BUT he wasn’t there when Reader named him and he’s not the boss of Reader so she names her son whatever she wants.
Also talking about culture, I grew up watching cartoons, movies and series most from the U.S and would always see characters being called TJ, PJ, JJ, junior and so on. This situation made me doubt what I already knew and made me go searching to see if I didn’t understood it wrong.
Maybe this person comes from a culture like mine where Juniors are nicknamed Junior, Junior + suffix that represents “little” or name of the father + suffix that represents “little”. And the only DJ is the one that plays the music. But this person could have just ignored my story after seeing the name, or saying it in a nice way. I’m always open to advices and corrections when you think I need it, that is… if you can say it politely and with care.
Sorry about the venting, and now my new mantra is “I write stories for my own enjoyment”, because if the things I imagined got magically written, I would not need to do so.
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lydscare · 2 years
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random songs w/ magnus chase characters
a/n: this fandom needs more content. fr, magnus chase is an amazing series,, i love it so much
my masterlist
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alex
killer queen by mad tsai
could have been me by halsey
so what by p!nk
parents by yungblud
everybody talks by neon trees
hearth
i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys
ready now by dodie
boys will be bugs by cavetown
family by mother mother
mallory
one last kiss by p!nk
youngblood by 5 second of summer
campus by vampire weekend
home by philip philips
magnus
another love by tom odell
back in school by mother mother
i wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red
shit by bo burnham
arms tonite by mother mother
samirah
soldier, poet, king by the oh hellos
ophelia by the lumineers
brutal by olivia rodrigo
wildest dreams by taylor swift
t.j.
run boy run by woodkid
heroes (we could be) by alesso, tove lo
i lived by onerepublic
line without a hook by ricky montgomery
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animation-is-my-jam · 2 years
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Can I get some TJohnson headcanons???
(Cracks knuckles)…..okay 🙂
Name headcanons: (this probably very obvious) but T.J stands for Tim Jr.
And Johnson's full name is Joshua Johnson (the "what's your favorite word?" segment helped me with that one),,, everyone just refers to him by his last name because TJ does it so often.
Early/present (to the show's early seasons) ages (6-7):
- TJ and Johnson definitely met in first grade or second grade talking about Wordgirl whenever she first made her debut. I could see the scenario of a very shy, lonely Johnson admiring his classmate's (TJ) confidence and toughness (or what babies back in elementary thought was tough xD). Johnson immediately wanted TJ to be his friend since he didn't have any yet, and TJ being the little shit that he is, very much took advantage of Johnson's determination to be his friend and basically established their fanboy or sidekick dynamic.
- Johnson was very much aware that he was sorta being treated like a lackey by TJ, especially when it came to TJ founding the international Wordgirl fanclub. But both TJ and Johnson thought of it as a play time thing or pretend playing. They already did that a lot when it came to playing out Wordgirl's crime fighting so why not pretend to be a fierce president and a fierce loyal second in command. They took their play time in their roles pretty darn seriously that TJ and everyone else refers to him as Johnson because as president, TJ wanted to address Joshua Johnson by his last name like an authority figure would. Of course he did this so often that others didn't know anything about the shy Joshua Johnson that everyone automatically assumes that 'Johnson' is his first name. Johnson is perfectly cool with this.
- TJ and Johnson from then on basically do everything together, when it comes to completing classwork or playing, there are no other kids that TJ or Johnson would rather hang out with…(besides Chazz that one time but we'll get to that too.)
- Johnson envies TJ in a lot of ways despite also admiring him. For one, TJ is very confident and proud of his snarkiness. And two, his family life. Johnson's parents are divorced, his mother didn't want to bother fighting for custody so he lives with his father. His dad is a working man and lives in the more forest area of Fair City (like Violet's family does),so Johnson is often left alone while his dad tries to keep the lumber industry alive. (yes I have decided to make Johnson's father a lumberjack). Johnson's father is also the silent type but not shy…just not good with words or emotions. Whenever Johnson comes over at the Botsfords to play with TJ he gets hit with so much familial feels that it's too much. At least the only time where he could feel that similar Familial feeling is when he spends hanukkah with his mom.
- Johnson doesn't actually have the same hype about Wordgirl that TJ does, the main reason he actually acts hyped is because his best friend TJ is really excited and happy that it makes Johnson happy too.
A little bit later/present ( the show's middle and late seasons) ages (8-9):
- TJ has always been both a little stinker and insecure. With how he very much tries to hide his enjoyment for "girly" media, to how he doesn't openly show affection. It's kind of strange considering there doesn't seem to be any restricting gender norms or toxic masculinity at home that could make him act like that sometimes. So one headcanon that I have is that he mainly gets it from his other school peers or other more insecure boys he occasionally hangs out with. (we'll save this HC for later, it will become important 😊)
- Johnson and TJ of course enter the city's little baseball league together, however they're at opposite teams, this dismays them a bit, but soon they find it fun to be on opposite sides as they have another silly pretend game where they pretend to be fierce rivals.
- Johnson at this point starts having a kiddie crush on TJ now. Doing everything not to only keep his BFF but to impress him enough to show his feelings. TJ unfortunately doesn't notice it, thinking that Johnson is just clingy like that and because he's insecure pushes the poor boy away from his hugs or slight affections.
- This discourages Johnson and there's a brief period of time where Johnson ceases on that behavior. TJ feels bad and (misses his affections) so one day he secretly hugs Johnson back. Making Johnson confused as heck but enjoys the hug anyway.
After certain episodes/present ( the show's middle and late seasons) ages (8-9):
- (Oh boy "All that Chazz" time) (recommended watching this episode for some reasonings behind my headcanons XD)
- after the events of that episode TJ does slightly apologize to Johnson as he helps TJ redecorate his room back to its Wordgirl theme. He knows he pushed him aside for a kid who seemed cooler but was not cool at all. That Johnson is a real friend and he promises to never do that again.
Johnson is thankful and blushing as he also promises to not leave TJs side either. (but is disappointed to know that TJ technically doesn't see him as "cool")
- ("Go gadget Go" time..I I KNOW THIS EPISODE SUCKS SO MUCH FOR TOBECKY AND TOBEY BUT ITS GOOD WITH TJOHNSON AND JOHNSON DEVELOPMENT)
- Johnson is starting to feel more comfortable being himself and speaking up more. He's never fought with TJ like that before but he enjoyed standing his ground….even though he was then tricked by Tobey and started crying when TJ wanted to kick him out of *their* fanclub. He knows he messed up on letting Tobey do all his work for the competition but TJ has to admit that he can't be in charge all the time in their play time and friendship. TJ knows this and apologizes. He knows that he should have just admitted that Johnson was right and not try to treat him like a sidekick all the time when they hangout, after all that position is just pretend when they do fanclub stuff…right?
- After this, TJ makes an effort to try and be better when it comes to how he handles those closests to him. Basically after like a year TJ learns about actions and consequences along with some moral lessons as he grows. He doesn't want to be the annoying pesky brother all the time, just a little more mischievous but not rude. And he doesn't want to be more authoritative or troubled by Johnson's friendship/affection.
- ("What would Wordgirl do?")
- Turns out for TJ that not being authoritative or annoying on purpose all the time pays off. He's never really been a tough or mean boy, deep truly down he's much more gentler and sensitive than he wants anyone to see. And that is more present with how his relationship with Johnson has happened. TJ probably at times doesn't fully grasp his own crush on his best friend, but he does know that he can't run the fanclub without him or not be near him most of the time.
- So the boys are closer than ever, meaning that it's no secret to anyone who observes them that they both like each other in the cutest kid way ever. However they don't know what to really call each other then. Johnson, and TJ (a few times) sorta let it slip to each other how they feel, but they're 8 starting 9, they don't know anything about romance. So one day at recess they decide to make another game out of it…boyfriends or better bffs! TJ at least knows what a boyfriend is so he goes with that. They don't know exactly how to act like a "couple" ; it's mostly the label and more hugs that cements this new development...at least for TJ. Johnson is definitely ecstatic, he's wanted this for a while now and he can't wait for what it means in the future…even if they did treat it like another recess pretend game…it doesn't mean it's not real. (Right?)
Later/slight Future (6-7 years pass) ages (13-14):
…..
Personality-
TJ: A little bit more openly sensitive. Tries to do the right thing all the time as Wordgirl and the Botsford definitely influenced that moral compass in him. Still ever insecure about himself, often fabricating certain things to seem more "cool". Downplays his fanboyish attitude for Wordgirl media as he knows now that Wordgirl is his sister and that not many kids his age particularly care about it.
Johnson: Still soft spoken but he's getting better about his shyness. Wants to be more open about how he truly is instead of
…….
Early Teen dramatics:
- The boys are still best friends, however there are some changes…for one when they entered middle school they quietly and disappointedly dropped the boyfriends title, after all it was only a silly little game they played when they were young.
- Johnson is no longer part of the little leagues or is interested in joining their future highschool baseball team, Johnson tried to be interested in it for the sake of TJ, but he's found his real passion in theater, as he turns out to be a good actor. Plus he never got along with the rest of the boys in their baseball team anyway or "TJ's other friends". They always made fun of him.
- While sad that Johnson isn't into baseball anymore like he is, he still very much encourages Johnson's passion with the theater department.
- Because of Johnson's departure TJ hangs out a little bit more with the other kids at his baseball team…they are not a good influence, but TJ is blinded by their more rude behavior…after all they are a bunch of fourteen year olds. They appear to treat TJ like "one of the dudes" but they totally see him as chump and often make fun of his friendship with Johnson. TJ hears this ridicule and his insecurity on how he behaves around Johnson flares up.
- Even though they aren't "boyfriends" anymore they obviously have feelings for each other, more deeper from when they were young. TJ is aware of Johnson's feelings (Johnson doesn't try to hide it) but TJ is being a dummy insecure boy so he tries to pretend that his own feelings aren't there.
- Before their first highschool semester summer break at a baseball game Johnson pulls TJ aside to confess. Before TJ could even respond the other teammates and students attending hear this and make fun of both of them. Johnson doesn't care as long as TJ agrees that they're being jerks, (but TJ being the insecure crowd pleaser that he is) doesn't agree with Johnson, just saying that the fellas are only joking around and that he and Johnson "are not like that". This heavily offends Johnson. TJ is initially saying that he doesn't return his feelings or that TJ would rather preserve this fake image of himself. So Johnson leaves his eyes getting tinting red.
- TJ immediately knows he's fucked up again and when the other boys try insulting Johnson as he leaves, TJ immediately turns aggressive. A fight breaks out…. Just know that it ends with TJ being temporarily suspended from the team and earning a broken arm.
- after all that mess TJ desperately tries to make it up to Johnson, still not confessing his own feelings but trying to make sure that their friendship is still strong. Johnson though is not accepting those apologies. He's rightfully upset at TJ for once again choosing to be insecure and a follower.
- TJ talks with Becky about this dilemma, and he of course gets a mouthful from her, she's honestly surprised that they weren't dating. Making TJ feel awful as he should have made his true feelings for Johnson more clear and that he should stop caring about what others think about him.
- TJ also gets some out of nowhere advice from Tobey too, when TJ is coming into grips about his true self. Tobey, coming over to the Botsford house to see Becky, catches the young teen outside his backyard in the rain looking distraught. Tobey tells him how he's also struggling with issues of his identity and how to amend mistakes for the people they love. TJ appreciates this advice and thinks that Tobey is not so bad after all…
- It's officially summer and TJ is planning the most of it by having all this free time to make it up to Johnson, and also braven up to confess his feelings that were always there.
- Unfortunately for TJ, Johnson had signed up for a summer theater camp outside the city. In part so Johnson can better his acting, but to also avoid TJ.
- TJ is even more sad since now how would he ever make it up to Johnson if Johnson is away and purposely ignoring him. He vents this to his parents who of course try and cheer him up as they give TJ his first phone so he could possibly keep in contact with Johnson while he's away.
- Before Johnson officially gets on the trip to leave for camp, TJ chases after him to say sorry again, giving him his number if they ever want to talk about their entire situation in text. Johnson laments and tells TJ that he'll think about it, but of course saying how the years of playing pretend hurt him, that of course he'll still see TJ as a best friend if TJ doesn't return his feelings, but if TJ does have romantic feelings for him,,,that he can't be afraid and that they can't play pretend for that…Johnson wants it to be real because it felt real back then. TJ agrees, promising Johnson that he'll tell him all about it.
- they're on better terms now, but of course they're now apart during the summer…time for TJ to sulk and hope Johnson receives his first text message.
……
- during the summer they do indeed text each other. While Johnson can't be on his phone at all times since he's at camp he tries his best to talk with TJ during curfew. They exchange typical stuff, memes, encouraging words, how their days went. Then TJ gets all mushy, texting him heart emoticons and calling Johnson "Joshua or Joshie" (his first name) as a term of endearment. Johnson greatly appreciates this and also starts being mushy too.
- TJ is starting to be more open to who he is and letting out his emotions more clearly. Not only openly admitting that he likes Johnson but finally sitting down to talk to Becky about him knowing her secret identity, expressing how he low-key resented her for perfection as the golden kid.
- The boys dearly miss each other, TJ texting mountains of admiration words to Johnson as he doesn't fear showing off his feelings. Saying how it's just not the same without him here. Johnson admits the same, while he has met some chill friends at camp nothing could replace TJ's company.
- they just continue to text each other gay soft cringe stuff (/lhj) throughout the summer until Johnson can come back.
- When Johnson does come back TJ doesn't hesitate to meet him halfway, grabbing him to a spinning hug. They agree to grab ice cream together to talk more about their summer. It ends with them holding hands as they usually do but now it means something real.
Officially dating headcanons:
- When they officially begin dating shortly after Johnson returns from camp, TJ isn't bothered to be affectionate, keeping Johnson really flustered as it's uncharacteristic for TJ to be like that sometimes.
- nicknames:
For TJ: Handsome, king, captain.
For Johnson: Hon, sweetie, rubio, Joshie, Johnny, buddy.
- they're both the jealous one, just different ways they perceive their jealousy. TJ doesn't mind speaking out loud about it or being obvious while Johnson is more passive but stares intensely.
- Separation anxiety (yes)
- After all that drama that happened with the baseball team on insulting Johnson, TJ is much more defensive and will not hesitate to fight someone again if they talk bad about his boyfriend. (Johnson has always been TJ's secret bodyguard, his dad has taught him a thing or two in self defense so don't mess with Johnson's boyfriend either).
- TJ shows up to every play that Johnson's a part of and claps the most obnoxiously whenever he appears. This is the same with Johnson as he cheers the hardest in TJ's games whenever he gets on the field.
- so yep when Tj's arm is healed and returns to the baseball team there's definitely bad blood between them. Of course the other boys object to Tj's presence, but TJ is such a good player that the school doesn't want to risk losing a season if they don't have him on. This leads to TJ being very smug around them.
- Johnson and TJ actually have their own rivals…it's Victor Best, Chazz, and Royal dandy(?!) Turns out Victor has joined TJ's baseball team and plans to be captain, as Chazz and Royal Dandy threaten Johnson's position in theater.
- (Johnson: “ Wait a minute, I thought you died years ago?!”
Dandy: “.... Anything is possible ol cap cheerio!!”)
- They of course have a mutual good friend in Rex!! Even though he skipped a few grades up they still depend on him for support… and help on their math homework.
- While Johnson has grown to be taller, TJ is still the bulkiest, carrying Johnson around in ease.
- Often go on dates.
- are kinda trouble makers now too, being all anti authority in school.
- you see I mentioned before how I said that Johnson also lives in that more rural forest area of Fair City like Violet, well since his father often works he has previously been left with the heaslips, making Violet and Johnson develop a brother-sister dynamic. This has Violet and Becky embarrassingly gossiping about TJ and Johnson whenever they are openly around.
- If there was any danger to Fair City and the boys had to pick a weapon for defense, TJ would choose a baseball bat while Johnson the bow and arrow.
- Johnson is a low-key tobecky shipper…. making TJ suffer /lh
- Johnson's other interests come in farming and animals, while TJs are music (DJ over here) and video games.
- First "I love you" exchange happened when Johnson ordered TJ a pickle-less burger and gave him most of the fries. Truly TJ knew that Johnson was the one. /lh/pos
- Both are part of the Becky/WG defense squad.
- Tim and Sally absolutely adore Johnson and can't stop gushing about them whenever Johnson comes over, to TJ's embarrassment.
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litcityblues · 7 months
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'Transformers: Age of Extinction --A Review
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Look, I'm not naive. No one is going to mistake a Transformers movie for high art- that's not what these movies are for. You get some popcorn, you sit down, you get a frosty beverage and you watch gigantic metal robots beat the living fuck out of each for a couple of hours and you have a moderately entertaining time. Similarly, this is a Michael Bay movie. He is many things, but Martin Scorsese he is not and his movies tend to be a visual assault on the senses for a couple of hours and I'll give him this: he has a distinct visual style. Things like 'plot' and 'acting', if they happen are just bonuses.
Medium Spawn Jr. has become obsessed with these movies and, since he's five and the wife was having her book club downstairs while I wanted to watch Ahsoka, he wanted to watch Transformers: Age of Extinction, so I, being the good parent that I am, granted his wish, sat down and watched this movie.
I am amazed by this movie. I am amazed that it grossed $1.104 billion dollars at the box office. I am amazed that it somehow managed to get Stanley Tucci, Mark Wahlberg, Kelsey Grammer, and Titus Welliver to agree to be in it-- though in their defense, actors have to eat and pay their bills, so I can't fault them for that.
This movie opens by explaining that 'The Creators' (whoever they are) dumped a bunch of 'seeds' all over the Earth 65 million years ago and wiped out the dinosaurs- providing the viewer with a big, gigantic tease that perhaps the Dinobots are involved in this movie, but viewer, prepare yourself for disappointment because they don't really feature all that much at all.
In the present day, it turns out the Autobots have been driven underground following the Battle of Chicago because humanity panicked and didn't want to make distinctions between the 'good robots' and the 'bad robots' and a CIA Black Ops Unit has teamed up with a Cybertronian bounty hunter to find the survivors.
Meanwhile, in Texas- because that's where you want to put Mark Wahlberg if he's in a movie. Texas. Inventor Cade Yeager is struggling to keep his house and make money. (I'll be honest: his whole character arc would have worked a lot better if he had been a mechanic who is a would-be inventor in Boston, but hey. Choices were made.) He's a single father to Tessa (Nicola Peitz) and because he was a teen Dad, he's super overprotective and doesn't want Tessa dating.
Naturally, this means that she is.
Look, I have nothing against Nicola Peitz. She does well enough with the material she's given to work with, but there is very much, "What if we take Megan Fox's character from the first movie, dress her the same way, make her blonde, and give her pink lipstick" thing going on here that is just, well, lazy. If we must keep making these movies, can we try a different type of female character? Just to see what happens?
One thing leads to another and Cade finds an abandoned truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime and his well-meaning associate/employee Lucas Flannery (T.J. Miller) notifies the government that they might have found an Autobot in hopes of getting the reward money and, more to the point, making some actual money. That brings the bad guys and bounty hunters and things start exploding- and when anything explodes in this movie, it seems to set off fireworks as well, Optimus starts fighting and they are rescued in the nick of time by Tessa's secret boyfriend, the rally car driver, Shane (Jack Reynor.)
Craziest thing ever: according to the wiki-page for this movie, he's supposed to be Irish, but you could have fooled me because I didn't pick up on that at all.
Also, in a super-endearing moment when over-protective Dad, Cade finds out that Shane is 20 and Tessa is 17 and objects to that for obvious, potential statutory rape reasons, Shane whips out an actual, laminated copy of Texas' Romeo and Juliet law and smugly informs Cade that they had a pre-existing foundation for their relationship so it's not statutory rape at all. (If you carry around a laminated copy of a law to prove that your relationship isn't, well, creepy and potentially illegal, perhaps you should date someone your own age. Just saying.)
There are the usual plot points, action shots, robot fights, and product placement that's about as subtle as a brick to the back of the head. (Mark Wahlberg angrily drinks a Bud Light at one point and yells at a motorist which is hilarious in today's context.)
But what really matters isn't how this movie ends, it's where this movie ends, because of a creative decision that I'm sure got every studio executive involved in this movie absolutely slobbering with glee, they find a reason to go to China and in a quest to get that sweet, sweet, Chinese box office money.
Banking on the fact that American audiences will no absolutely nothing about Chinese geography and that Chinese audiences will just be excited to see giant robot fights, nothing makes sense. They land in Shanghai. Optimus goes off- literally flies with nary a problem, which I'm sure the People's Liberation Air Force just kind of shrugged and said, 'Eh, it's a gigantic flying robot. Who cares?'- to noted quiet and obscure part of China, Tianmen Mountain National Park to wake up the Dinobots- who were found at the beginning of the movie in ice like in Greenland or some shit, but are now somehow in China. Characters blow up a factory in Shanghai but somehow decide that they have to get to Hong Kong- 700 miles away, but I'm sure easier to film in at the time.
There is a big showdown in Hong Kong, including the 'not at all insisted upon by the Chinese government' lines of a Hong Kong Police Officer saying 'We'll need help from the Central Government!' and the heroic defense minister- finally noticing that there are gigantic robots wrecking up the place assuring everyone, 'The Central Government will always defend Hong Kong!" This movie was made in 2014, well before the Chinese government got tired of the whole democracy business and crushed it in Hong Kong, but man do those lines hit differently today. The Dinobots (remember them?) show up to save the day and Optimus is riding one of them and it's kind of cool, but other than that, they serve their purpose as a largely meaningless plot point. Just for kicks- again, as subtle as a brick to the back of the head- we see a blown-up bus with a Victoria's Secret ad featured on it and just to remind audiences that they're in China, Stanley Tucci's character gets pissed that they get trapped in a store with a lot of windows and sweeps a table clear of mah-jong tiles.
The greatest crime of all? Somehow this movie is 2 HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES LONG.
My Grade: * out of ****. Do not watch this movie, unless you enjoy hate-watching movies, then you'll have a great time.
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autisticadvocacy · 1 year
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“We can work, we can go to any school we want, we can go to more places, we can be unapologetically black AND disabled at the same time. Yes, you heard that right: we can be unapologetically black AND disabled at the same time!” 
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