#super uncomfortable waiting so long in a waiting room during a pandemic

[thegirlwholied]

“maybe it’s vertigo, maybe take a Claritin” - new record set for ‘most unhelpful doctor’s visit of my life’

#they forgot to give me the flu shot asked for and it was on my paperwork so i literally had to go back #super uncomfortable waiting so long in a waiting room during a pandemic #yes i realize i am now a catastrophizing anxious hypochondriac #perhaps i should have been less upfront about this to get my symptoms taken more seriously #it's been a week of my ears feeling fluid-y and pressure-y since a) throwing up on my period again b) hitting my head while dizzy from that #the ears kicked in two days later neck stiffness on Friday - maybe they're all unrelated but maybe we should consider they're correlated? #maybe? #anyway my jaw's clicking and clicking while trying to deep breathe is NOT soothing #so I'm seeing my dentist about possible TMJ tomorrow #will talk to PT at my usual appointment about the back/neck #i'm trying to improve my posture bc working remotely for 5 years and being lazy about it has FUCKED with my posture #(take heed new remote workers and beware) #honestly neck stiffness may because I sat TOO straight all last week while freaked about head/ears? #light neck and upper back yoga and heating pad have been attempted #i just. don't. know. #but yeah i've accomplished zero writing in the past week #no workouts in a week except some sad yoga and walk attempts #man it's been one anxious thing after another lately but #even at peak nervousness over my biopsies this summer i did not get physical symptoms #so i'm very sure it's the dizziness/soreness causing my anxiety and not the other way around #tmi #ranting in the tags again #what fresh hell is this

[iwantutobehapppier]

We Will Wake Up

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers x Reader Summary: Steve and Bucky seemed to be everywhere you looked, certainly this familiarity between the three of you would only bode well when you seek refuge at their place during the Shutdown.  Warnings: 18+ Only, Dark Steve Rogers, somnophilia, dubcon bordering on noncon. Please if any of this bothers you read no further. There will be more fics for Festival of Smut with little to no dark themes.  Word Count:  2,536 A/N: Happy 2nd night of Chanukah! I give you some dark/creep Steve. I have been tinkering with this one for a long time now. @sapphirescrolls​ really helped fuel this along with Tyler by the Toadies.

You know Steve’s there. He’s always there now. He knows you know. He parades around as if his presence is pure coincidence. It is equal parts laughable and concerning.

Looking out the corner of your eye you catch the tall bulky frame of his best friend Bucky beside him as they wait for their coffee. Bucky a man of little flourish in coffee grabs his cup and sits right across from you at the table outside of the little coffee shop. Outside seating more comfortable for you given the current pandemic. But your two shadows didn’t have any worry about the pandemic with the Super Soldier Serum.

Steve and Bucky were great people. Working with them when it came to PR had its challenges but overall a joy.  Not only that but you were pleased to become friends with them. That was months ago. Now they were showing up everywhere you went outside of the regular

Compound encounters. However, you had noticed Steve was sans his pal more often than not in recent encounters.

“You should stay in the compound with us,” Bucky offers a solution to your current dilemma. You frown at his suggestion. Steve’s waiting for his drink inside of the coffee shop they both happened to show up to this morning.

A coffee shop you had never gone to before in an attempt to test your theory about being possibly followed. The results, worrisome

“I mean,” Bucky leans over his cup keeping eye contact. “You’ve said it yourself, they’re starting the shutdown soon and you’re not sure how long you can spend being completely alone.” You look away at his intense gaze only to catch Steve’s eye as he sits next to you at the four top.

“What are you two talking about?” An easy smile falls over Steve’s face before he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Just that she should stay with us,” Steve nearly spits out his drink, and Buck chuckles at his expense. “You know, staying with us would be much more entertaining than being alone.” Bucky leans over the table looks at Steve directly when he stops.

Steve nods his head, taking the lead.

“You know the Compound ground fairly well,” Steve continues. “It’ll be fully stocked to last the shutdown and then some.”

Nibbling on your bottom lip in equal worry and contemplation you worked out in your head, ways to refuse the offer without coming off as a heinous bitch. 

“Wouldn’t you guys be coming and going during missions?” You scrunched your face up. “I think that would put me at risk of contagion.”

“That’s the greatest part about it,” Bucky leans back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head. “We’ll be there too. Unless the worst happens, and then we’ll get testing to make sure we’re not carriers before we come back home,” he pauses looking at Steve then you, “to you.”

Steve clears his throat shifting in his seat you tilt your head to the side watching him. “Are you okay Steve?”

“Mm?” he looks directly at you for longer than fleeting seconds. “Yes,” he pauses. “I really think you should consider the offer.” His hand rests on your knee, the heat emitting off him almost too much for the end of March in New York City. 

“We have a spare room in our apartment there,” He watches you nibble on your lip once again, he shifts to Bucky who just nods his head towards you. “We’ll get it set up just the way you want and I swear we won’t leave dishes in the sink.”

Bucky chuckles, “I agreed to no such thing,” Steve cuts his eyes at his pal. “Fine,” Bucky huffs folding his arms over his chest pouting.

You can’t help but laugh at the two of them, much like a married couple. Maybe having their banter around would be helpful to ease the worrisome a pandemic causes? Perhaps the following was because the two had so few friends outside the compound as is and they’ve often said how welcoming you make them feel. Without letting yourself fret any more over the decision you made your choice.

“Okay,” you nodded your head, Steve’s hand on you clasping around your knee. “When can I move in?”

The smile that illuminates Steve’s face bright enough to light up the sky of NYC you were sure of it. However, the grip on your knee makes something in your hindbrain whisper “Be careful.”

You had been doing so well, it was a month in and the situation was proving rewarding for all parties. You had a nice state of the art abode, they had a personal chef in you and you all had each other for company. 

Working from home was not an issue at all, they left you alone when you were working. You only saw them when you’d pause for lunch, where they always seemed to in the kitchen waiting for you. After work would normally be some type of movie to watch for them to catch up, sharing music or the rare occasion Steve drawing you as you read. 

It was nice and oddly domestic bliss but it seemed to change one drunken night when you kissed Steve. It wasn’t meant to be anything, you were drunk feeling good and he was making you feel good. With his compliments and attention before you knew it your lips were on his. He didn’t respond which left you feeling completely foolish. 

Not that you wanted anything to happen between you and Steve, you didn’t, right? He was handsome, and god knows he was packing with what your eyes have beheld when he comes back from his work on in his grey sweats. So maybe you did? Or was it the cabin fever?

However, after that, it’s a fat chance anything would happen as he avoided you the next day. Bucky told you it was just his nerves that “He’s never had a hot dame like you into him.”

Luck was on your side two nights later when Steve ventured out of his room for a movie night. A romance on no less, and Bucky suspiciously dipping out early claiming he was exhausted. That left you and Steve miles apart on the couch until Steve slid down to your side, his arm wrapping around your shoulders. He pulled you close and when you tried to pull back for some space for civility you couldn’t budge him. 

When the romantic duo of the film finally kiss you can’t help but look at Steve from the corner of your eye. Steve is staring at you, a light blush on his cheeks. He leans forward, and before you know what’s happening his lips are on yours. You’re quite shocked given the drunken kiss you gave him.

It takes only a moment for your lips to soften on his. The pleased sigh he emits warming your body up almost more than the kiss. With tentative movement, his tongue trails only your bottom lip, and your open your mouth on reflex. Then the flood gates are open, he’s pulling you into his lap, arms holding you secure as you both make up for the last quarter of the film.

As the credits roll you finally part, lips chapped and swollen. You feel your cheeks warm as you look away. Well, this certainly wasn’t your plan. Steve clears his throat and you look back at him.

“I had wanted to do that for a while,” You give a shy smile in response.

“I think,” you pull yourself off his lap. “It was worth the wait and just enough.” Needing to keep your distance before you let this go farther than it should. Sleeping with someone who was kindly housing you rent-free was not the smartest move in your opinion. 

Steve nods in agreement though his brow furrow with agitation. He was fairly certain his night would go somewhere else and the uncomfortable tightness of his pants had to be dealt with.

“I suppose you’re right,” he shifts on the couch and you pretend not to see the bulge in his pants that you had without a doubt felt just a moment underneath you. “I say we call it a night.” Steve veining confidence to take control of the night.

Nodding in agreement. “Good night Steve,” as you go to turn he stands up and grabs your wrist pulling you into him capturing your lips one last time. 

Letting you go when you pull apart he smiles. “Just had to have one more,” tucking your hair behind your ear you can’t help but smile, “Sweet dreams.”  He releases your hand as you turn once more to retreat to your room.

His eyes glower at your disappearing figure, eyes tracing the flare of your hips and lush back side. He wasn’t sure he could wait for another night to continue this path you two were on. One he desperately wanted. 

You were awake and abruptly so.

You felt, full? Oddly so? An ache and stretch in your lower abdomen the first sensations as you wake up. Then it’s the way you feel your pelvis flex against something. Eyes opening the room is still dark, your eyelids feel heavier than usual when awoken in the night. Are you sitting upright? What’s the warmth radiating at your back?

Warm muscular arms wrap around your body from behind, you yelp in fear. Your bareback is forced against a fuzzy chest. Wait, are you naked? Thick thighs flex below you and that ache in your lower abdomen is clearly all the way to your pelvis becomes clear. Your gasping for breath as panic sets in, your voice cracks in your attempts to call out for help. Who is this?

“Ssshh,” lips press against the shell of your ear. You’re cocooned in warmth and you’ve never been more afraid in your life. This sensation should be comforting but-

“Knew you’d feel so tight around me,” You’re bounced up by the thighs beneath, and the moan that pulls from your lips is involuntary. The thick cock lodged so deep inside you feel too good. It shouldn’t feel this good. The bulbous cock head brushing against that special spot with each re-entry. 

“Ste-Steve?” you get out between your shock and pleasure. He holds you down, still as can be, you can feel the steady thump of his heart against your back. Lips the press against your ear slowly trails down your neck resting at the nape. His breath pushes hot air across your bare chest with a forceful exhale.

“It’s me,” His words a whisper on your skin. “I’ve got you, sweetheart.” You try to find his words comforting, recalling how gentle he is with you, how attentive and soft the first kiss was earlier this night. How had it escalated so quickly?

Your nails dig into his forearms, his large hands holding your waist lifting you up and down as if you were light as a feather. It was disorienting. He drops you down and as your mouth opens his large sweaty palm mutes your scream.

“Normally,” Steve grunts pushing up into you. “I’d want to hear your beautiful voice,” He lifts you once more, his hands so warm and tight against your skin. His super strength made you feel like a sack of potato at the most. Slowly lowering you down his pulsing shaft you can feel the way he pulls at your walls, the sponge feel of the tip of his cock hitting your cervix.

“But I don’t want Buck to hear.” He grunts pushing his hips up and down, his thighs moving you without your aid. “These noises are mine.” He growls. His hand slips from your mouth to between your slick folds to rub softly against your little nub.

When you inhale to moan Steve shushes you, resulting in you bitting your lip trying to muffle your moans. “That’s my good girl,” his words warm against your skin as he sets a steady pressure on your nub in a circular motion.

Your walls fluttering around him he muffles his groan. “Fuck, baby girl,” his fingers digging into your hip. Steve’s hands move to lift you up, almost completely off his cock the wide tip sitting at the opening. For a brief moment, you think it’s over whatever this violation of your body is.

Then you’re falling, the push of his thick and long shaft into you makes your head jerk back. His chin resting on your forehead. Steve’s bulging arms wrap around you resting under your breast. “You feel me here?” a hand slips down to push on your lower abdomen. A soft moan pulling from your lips at the feeling. 

Looking down you gasp seeing the slight bulge, no wonder it felt like he was splitting you in two. Watching the hand slip down further, two fingers slide down to capture your clit, giving a gentle squeeze. Your body shakes, biting your lip to hold in a moan tilting your head back once more. 

Your hands grip his large forearm trying to pull his hand back. The sensory overload too much from being woken up in such a jarring manner. Trying to get hold of whether you wanted this or not was becoming difficult with each touch. 

Steve tut’s in your ear, his hand pulling back to slap your pussy. Your whimper following the slapping noise. “Don’t hide how much you’ve been wanting this.” He bends his head, lips resting on your forehead. Then touch intimate and far more gentle than what he is doing with your body. 

“I know you’ve been waiting so patiently for me to fill your pussy,” His crass words scrap against your forehead. You go to shake your head but pause when he rotates his hips. 

“It’s okay,” his tone saccharine, “We’ve got plenty of time to make it up before Bucky wakes up.”

#steve rogers x reader #dark steve rgoers #dark!steverogers x reader #dark steve rogers x reader #dubcon #smut #Captain America #Steve rogers x you #dark steve rogers x you

[p1harmonyofficial]

[📰] Get to Know the Members of K-Pop Group P1Harmony With These 10 Fun Facts! (Exclusive)

P1Harmony is a rising global K-Pop troupe, but we wanted Just Jared readers to get an exclusive chance to know them a little better!

The talented six-member boy group first arrived on the scene back in October of 2020, embarking on their international music career with the release of their first mini album DISHARMONY: STAND OUT and feature film, P1H: A New World Begins, which positioned the group as a force to be reckoned with in the music scene.

Amid the pandemic, the group continued to make new music for their fans with the release of their second mini album, DISHARMONY: BREAK OUT, including their slamming, hip-hop infused title track “Scared,”” along with an accompanying music video full of street-style dancing and intense visual effects.

Watch “Scared” and check out these 10 Fun Facts about P1Harmony inside!

INTAK

1. I have more eyelashes on my right eye than my left. Right after my debut, I didn’t really know how to remove eye makeup, so for a while, I used to just rub my eyes really hard with soap and now, I have more eyelashes on my right eye than my left. 2. I used to love oysters, but now I cannot eat it. I was an oyster fanatic, until very recently. I ordered raw oysters after watching a TV show at night with JONGSEOB, and after one bite, I couldn’t eat it anymore. The taste of the “sea” was so pungent. Now, I’m too traumatized! 3. I saved a man’s life. I went chestnut picking with my dad, and found a guy hanging on a cliff and struggling to get back up. We immediately helped him get up. He was really grateful and I remember feeling so proud to have saved someone’s life! 4. I have a small horizontal scar on the right side of my face, and I kind of like it. I got this scar when I was about four or five, and although it’s not that visible now, sometimes I like it because it makes me feel like a charismatic, bad guy! 5. I love dogs. I love dogs, so I have been watching a lot of dog-related videos but I’m terribly allergic. I can’t stop myself from petting them when I see them on the street, and always regret it afterwards because I turn all puffy and itchy! 6. I fantasize a lot about time travel. I even tried and feel like it can really happen one day! I lie down in my bed, put my blanket over my entire body and focus really hard on the idea, but this brings me nowhere but to the future. [Laughs] 7. I have a gold tooth. 8. I have a brown spot (mole) on my middle finger. 9. I love my Crayon Shin-chan character earphones. I get happy just looking at it. 10. I go to the convenient store so much that there isn’t anything I have not tried!

THEO

1. My right shoulder is more developed than my left. I used to play volleyball and would strike with my right arm, so my right shoulder is more developed than my left. 2. I have a red mole. I recently got a red mole on the side of my right neck, but I have no idea where it came from and why but it’s not going away! 3. I can’t burp, literally. I don’t know how to burp and have never burped in my life 4. I only drink carbonated drinks. I rarely drink anything that is NOT carbonated. 5. I don’t like lettuce and tomatoes in my burgers. 6. I had a burst appendix and didn’t know it for a while. I was hospitalized for two months, because they couldn’t find my appendix. Apparently, my organs are shaped and structured differently. 7. I love slippers. Unless I am going to an official engagement or doing promos, I am always in slippers, (even during winter)! 8. I have never cried in front of people until I turned 20. I was watching a very emotional episode of “Animal Farm,” and got caught crying in front of KEEHO, SOUL and JIUNG. Since then, I think I’ve gotten more emotional. I once cried watching JONGSEOB cry, too. 9. I can’t stay still when I’m on the phone. I have to walk around or do something when I’m on the phone. 10. I love singing songs to my friends over the phone.

JIUNG

1. I love Tonkatsu (pork cutlet). I have been addicted to tonkatsu these days and have been eating it almost every day for the last few months. 2. I have the same birthday as my younger brother. My younger brother and I share the same birthday, which is Oct. 7. We were also born around the same time. 3. My younger brother and I have a similar birth time as well. I think he was born like 8 minutes before me or after! 4. I love raw garlic and don’t like kimchi. 5. I only drink flat coca-cola. I purposely decarbonate my coke by shaking it and letting the air out multiple times until the bottle doesn’t expand anymore and the coke is completely flat. 6. I still fit into my hats from my adolescent years. My head is so small that I still fit into all my hats from elementary school. 7. I think too much. I make daily memos and write down almost everything to organize my thoughts. 8. I like to dance and sing when the streets are empty. When no one is around and I’m in a good mood. I love walking down the empty street thinking I’m shooting a music video. I sing, dance and act. Last time, I bumped into someone and I ran away in full embarrassment! [Laughs]. 9. I have a scar on my eye. 10. I may look picky, but I’m not a picky eater! I love trying a lot of different cuisines.

KEEHO

1. I love collecting sunglasses and glasses although my eyesight is near perfect. I love wearing glasses even though I don’t need them to see. I also have been collecting a lot of sunglasses lately. 2. I talk during my sleep, apparently! According to my members, I sleep-talk a lot (almost every night), but I don’t remember any of it and I never have dreams. 3. I have the same birthday as my dad! 4. I can eat salads all day. I love salads! I love eating vegetables, especially celery and carrots, and prefer dressings like ranch and oriental. 5. I am not good at smiling. I have a hard time smiling so I’m still in the process of learning how to smile naturally! I have to make sounds out loud to smile [during photo shoots]. 6. I used to hate wearing sweatpants. I don’t know why but I hated sweatpants and never wore them when I was younger― even if I had to wear something more uncomfortable like slacks or jeans.. Now, I wear them all the time! 7. I rarely cry alone or in front of people. The only person who has seen me cry is INTAK. I was going through something heavy and was alone at a park by myself when INTAK came to pick me up. He started crying as soon as he saw me, and that made me cry. 8. I used to pull all my loose baby teeth. I hated having something loose in my mouth, so instead of waiting to go to the dentist, I used to pull them out on my own. 9. I have a light (barely noticeable) mole on my big toe. 10. I have curly hair, so unless I blow dry it, it goes wild.

SOUL

1. I used to collect beetles. I think I had up to 30 beetles in one big box. 2. I only wear Air Jordans. I only wear Jordans and my favorite design is the Air Jordan 1s. 3. I love dolls! I love buying and collecting dolls. I like anything that is cute and fuzzy. 4. I don’t like taking pictures of humans except KEEHO. I only take pictures of nature, architecture or like a beautiful scenery. The only time I would take a picture of a human is of KEEHO. 5. Me and my younger sister found an important historical stone artifact. We were just digging stuff up and found a stone artifact. We later learned it was a historically valuable artifact, so we donated it to a museum. 6. I wear my pants backwards. 7. I don’t like electric fans. I don’t like when wind blows in my face 8. I once had the same dream three times in a row. I had the same dream three times in a row, but every ending changed depending on the choices I made [in my dream]. 9. A bird pooped on my head while I was on my way to school. Without having much reaction, I just walked to school and waited until I had to go to the bathroom to wash. 10. I don’t get scared or surprised easily. I used to get yelled at for bowing down and saying hi to all the actors playing zombies, monsters or ghosts at haunted houses in theme parks.

JONGSEOB

1. I like books that are thick and with small letters for no particular reason. I tend to buy books that are thick, whatever the genre is. I think it’s because I’m a fast reader. 2. I never had cavities! I love eating sweets like jellies and candies. I can go through a whole pack in one sitting, but I’ve never had cavities! 3. I have something called a “knee hyperextension and/or back knee. My knee bends backwards in a straightened position unlike many people. 4 I love the dark. I usually don’t turn on the lights unless I really have to. 5. I could sleep for long periods of time. I once slept up to 16 straight hours, and I barely have dreams. Maybe like five times a year?! 6. I don’t like/eat seaweed or seagrass. 7. I love walking into a room that is super cold. I turn on the A/C and close the door for about 30 minutes so it can be ice cold before I walk in. 8. I want to learn how to play bass guitar one day! I watch random videos of jam sessions, and one day would really like to play bass guitar. 9. My eyesight is different on both eyes. I am near-sighted on one, and far-sighted on the other. 10. I am pretty good at playing games on my phone.

#p1harmony #ot6 #t:news #era:disharmony : break out #210430

[hangryandlazy]

africa jul 19

wow lol it’s taken me 2 years to actually put this post together. a LOT has changed since then and it makes me immensely happy to recognize how lucky we were that we’d had 2 insane years of travelling right before the pandemic hit. but this post is not to dwell on that, so let’s get on with it!!

this was our amazing 2019 africa trip~

jun 30, 19 ••• we make our way from hong kong to the netherlands on klm airlines. i distinctly remember how impressed i was with the quality of service and the comfort of the 12ish hour flight. after around 16 hours of commute, we just want to stay in and chill, so we order room service and call it a night early. i recall wearing a fun t-shirt that read, “not to be rude, but shut the fuck up” which i personally find hilarious and endearing, but which made the guy at the front desk quite uncomfortable. lollll oops!

jul 1, 19 ••• yay! we had a full day alone in amsterdam. we (i) decided to walk from the hotel to the town center, because it’s fun experience new cities by exploring them on foot!! why not? you come across many things that you just couldn’t have planned to find.

look how beautiful the canals in amsterdam are! anywhere you turn, it’s picturesque.

we had lunch at wagamama because i saw that the avant garde vegan, gaz oakley, had done a collaboration with them at some point, so there are some guaranteed vegan options. we then walk around the bloemenmarkt and find our way to the cannabis college, which had 2 verdampers for rent! yesssss! i was so happy. 

we explored and walked around more, then stopped by a coffee shop to smoke a bit more. there was a lovely vegan cafe right next door, which i’d been eyeing when we went in to smoke, so we had a top up on coffee and matcha there. we saw a cute frenchie across the road and missed the dogs so...

we had dinner at this place called cafe frijdag (which means Friday!) which was delicious! so happy that amsterdam had vegan options for me

jul 2, 19 ••• we got up bright and early to meet my parents for breakfast and we go to the airport to catch our flight to kigali. about 10 hours later, we were buying sim cards at the kigali airport. we then checked in to the radisson for the night, and it was feeling very surreal to be in africa. i remember feeling anxious.

jul 3, 19 ••• today started on a somber note. we went to the kigali genocide memorial. i cried a lot, especially at the exhibit with the photographs of only a fraction of the victims during that time.

then we drove at turtle speed to our next hotel, which was a loooong long way away. we arrived at the lake kivu serena hotel in time for a very late lunch. the cuisine here consists of rice, tortilla-like wraps and papadum-esque crispy rolls.

this fruit tastes disgusting... it looks like a tomato but isn’t sweet at all. i only remember spitting it out, trying another piece from another plate, and still hating it.

thankfully everyone wanted to relax and take it easy, so we ordered in for dinner and spent the rest of the night chilling.

jul 4, 19 ••• we drove out to see the border between rwanda and the democratic republic of congo. we were told to be very careful about taking photos of the police officers there, so we were. it felt strange to take photos of the border, i’m clearly very ignorant of the relations and history. it was a very busy juncture, with a sea of people crossing this way and that, lots of cars bumbling about and a lot of fruit, as i recall. hahah.

we then drove out to see a makeshift hot spring. we were asked if we wanted to take a dip, but none of us wanted to..... felt bad saying no, but really not worth it, sorry.

https://vimeo.com/568059672  (okay, i’m unable to embed more videos so links will have to do until i figure out something better...)

we took a boat ride along the lake, but there wasn’t that much to see around there, it was pretty dirty and murky... reminded me of the hong kong harbor, with trash floating around. it was also freezing, so i wasn’t having any fun at all.

we went to the gym and worked out a little bit because there was a lot of time to kill in between returning to hotel and our private pre-planned bbq dinner on the beach. we were lucky enough to enjoy traditional rwandan dancing which was absolutely gorgeous.

jul 5, 19 ••• we spent most of our morning in the car, having crossed the border to the republic of uganda. we stopped by a cute cafe along the way for lunch, but it was a grueling 4-5 hour car ride to mahogany springs, which was our hotel for the gorilla trekking. we managed to arrive around 715pm, by which time it was pretty dark and scary outside. the other car had broken down twice, once in the dark as well, so spirits were low and there was a lot of muttering and grumbling done under people’s breath. everyone was ravenous by the time dinner was served, but despite how late it was, it was absolutely delicious and i was happy! (also grateful for our car not having broken down)

jul 6, 19 ••• we woke up VERY early in anticipation of gorilla trekking. we waited around the hotel lobby after some coffee and biscuits for breakfast. it was an awful lot of waiting, but i didn’t sense anything wrong until i saw how pissed off our tour guide looked. it turns out our permits had gotten stolen! probably bribes.

here we were mucking around, still anticipating gorilla trekking.

we didn’t let it slow us down though. i actually am grateful for how things turned out because we wouldn’t have gotten to experience uganda like that without this turn of events. we joined a community tour that showed us how tea is harvested, how coffee is grown, harvested and round, as well as how bananas may be used to make juice, beer and gin! very cool

african tea leaves

jackfruit??

these are flowers from the coffee tree

the different stages of the coffee plant

this is henry, he owns this coffee plantation. here, henry shows us how to the use this contraption, the purpose of which is to grind coffee beans into powder

here henry is, sifting the coffee powder

here are my parents, having the time of their life (lol at my dad)

fresh bananas

these are the different stages of a banana’s life: from raw to ripe to fermenting. it can be made into juice and liquor.

we then visited a local school, where we were entertained by kids from kindergarten to 6th grade. we learned about their mission and goals to educate the younger generations by providing classrooms and a dining hall and even dorms for boarding. the singing and dancing was BRILLIANT. loved every single second of it. wish i’d joined in and not cared about what anyone thought.

we stopped by a women’s community center and saw a lot of cool crafts and art. that was on the way to the batwa pgymy tribe. we learned how they integrated with the batwa community. they showed us some dances they have dedicated to the gorillas, for which they are very grateful because it brings tourists in and therefore gives them an income. they showed us how to use a bow and arrow to hunt, and how they weave baskets and make handicrafts.

alan with the leader of the pgymy tribe

one of our guides spotted 2 chameleons, which was super impressive. he even brought the chameleon down close to us so that we could see it. i won’t ever understand how he was able to spot it in the wild, and from so far away as well.

we returned to the lodge and had lunch. the veggie stir fry was pretty dang good. it was served with posho, which is a maize bread, beans, and also matate (???) which reminded me a lot of plantain. back at the hotel, we chilled (without tv or wifi) until dinner. alan fell asleep, and i kept myself busy sorting out photos. dinner was early, and our night was early because we were promised gorilla trekking in the morning!

delicious!

jul 7, 19 ••• we were up and ready to leave by 7am. we were in the clear! we drove a little bit to the bwindi impenetrable national park for some entertainment (dancing and singing) from local students and a hilarious briefing on what to expect and do’s and don’ts of the trek. 

we then had separate meetings within our trekking groups. ours was quite big, with 10 tourists, because michael and our guides had spent HOURS the day before handling our stolen permits. an exception was made to accommodate us all, so our group consisted of the starke’s, alan, kerstin, a couple from oregon, and an english family. we had to get in another car and drive a bit to the mountain, where we met our porters and then began our trek!

the hike up was difficult, and at times i legit feared for my life because the mud/rocks were loose and one wrong step would have had us tumbling down the edge of the mountain... and that was me at age 28!! cannot imagine how my parents were feeling...

alan with meddie

as we made our way to the gorilla family, we encountered a solo young male who was soooo friendly, he cut across our group, like right down the middle, and he even reached out and touched my mom on her jacket! it was wild that a gorilla was that close to us, and then he left as quickly as he had joined.

this is the photo my mom managed to take when the young gorilla male was right next to her

we kept on hiking and found a large. our guide, meddie, told us that we were lucky to have found such a large family doing a whole bunch of different activities: we saw mothers nursing their babies, babies swinging from the trees and playing with one another, sub adult males beating their chests and other members of the family eating and feeding. we even got to watch as a silverback gorilla pulled a very healthy poop out of its butt, and we ran into him snacking again later on.

on the way down, it started raining a little bit. we all slipped at one point or another, but it was especially dangerous for my dad so we all had to slow down our pace a little bit to match his speed. thank god he had a porter there to help him out and save him. 

we returned to the same place as where we had started our morning for a debriefing, and we each received a certificate to show that we had been on this trek. we waited around a little bit for the other group to arrive, and were once again very grateful that our experience was much more pleasant. one lady in the other group had to leave the trek on a stretcher, and the others were caught in the rain on their way to the gorillas, so it must have been a cold and awful experience on their end. 

us after the successful completion of our gorilla trek!!

we headed to a local inn nearby where we had a late lunch and could change into dry clothes. we then drove a bumpy 4 hours to mweya safari lodge, located inside queen elizabeth national park. we made a couple of stops along the way (one of which was in the middle of nowhere so that people could go pee out in the open where animals are potentially roaming around?!?!?) and when we finally arrived, it was already 830/9ish pm.... we insisted to order room service because we were pooped, and we got showered and hit the hay.

this cute sign was outside the lodge!

this super old school cash register was at the lodge too

jul 8, 19 ••• today started off with a game drive, early in the morning! 

we drove around the gorgeous park and saw elephants, warthogs, antelope, eagles, all sorts of bird and butterflies, buffalo and weird-looking lemur or ferret creatures. we thought it was great, but some other members of the group were underwhelmed. 

this is the view from the car we sat in for the safari

this gorgeous tree houses sooo many bird’s nests! do you see them?

cute antelope we saw on the tour

after lunch at the hotel, we went on a boat tour around the kazinga channel. i think it was called lake edward? we saw many animals again, including crocodile, elephants, buffalo, all sorts of birds, and hippos.

favorite photo of my parents ¨̮

we followed a few elephant cuties along the bank. it drizzled for a little bit in between.

dinner was delicious. it was a great buffet, although i was severely grossed out by the ants that joined us on the dining table.

there were so many animals on the grounds of the lodge. don’t be fooled by how cute these guys look, we saw them fight over raw meat at some point! we also saw a warthog stroll around.

jul 9, 19 ••• we were up bright and early today for a quick breakfast before heading right on out. on the way to entebbe, we stopped by a local motel for lunch. the service was SUPER slow (maybe because we had such a huge group together!) but it was delicious and worth the wait! i ordered a coleslaw and avocado vinaigrette (this was THE HUGEST AVOCADO i’ve ever seen in my life?!?!?), a veggie biryani and some of paul’s aloo matar. we then filed back into our cars for several more hours of “african massage” to the next destination. had an early night, i think we ordered room service to the hotel room and tried to get our butts to bed as early as possible because it was another EARLY day the morning after.

we stopped at the equator in uganda to take some photos, of course!

i was sooo happy to be able to order room service! we felt like we were finally back to civilization... 🥺 we had wifi and tv and hot water... ugh it was amazing

jul 10, 19 ••• my alarm was set for 4am this morning.... 🥲😅 we left the hotel at 5am for the airport and obviously i was tired and grumpy and just in a crappy mood overall hahahah. our first flight was barely 45 minutes.... to mbarara i’m guessing?? i was assigned a middle seat on my own originally but no one was in the aisle seat so i moved over woohoo! our first layover was 2-3 hours, not too bad. we hung around at the lounge area. 

our second flight was to harare. alan and i managed to snag 2 joined seats towards the back end of the plane so that we could watch conan’s traevel shows on his ipad. there was a pretty scary drop when we were descending imto harare. i think we just stayed on the plane for about half an hour so some people could get on the plane and join.

we flew about 3 hours more to cape town, and we were EXCITED to arrive. it was a hell of a time checking in, and it was a nicer hotel in a nice area so we decided to just stay in and order room service again. we had a slow night and it was SOOOO needed. cape town felt a lot closer to the first world and we were enjoying and appreciating it to the max. we even started playing pokemon go and its harry potter-themed equivalent (oops forgot the name), but to be fair, we didn’t get cell phone service everywhere we went, so it would cut on and off.

jul 11, 19 ••• eek, cape town was COOOOLD! luckily i brought a jacket along, we really really needed to cover up and stay warm! got to sleep in a bit, we left by 830am to drive to the pebble beach by the water to take some gorgeous photos. we stopped by chapman’s peak for another photo op, then drove to boulders beach in simon’s town to see the penguins!! it was such a dream, loved every second of it.

i believe this was chapman’s peak??

what a model

this was at the pebble beach at the cape of good hope. 

saw a cute ostrich on the way somewhere

next we went to cape point. we took the funicular to the top, then hiked up to the lighthouse. we took pots of great pics but omg it was EVEN MORE freezing there. we had lunch at the two oceans restaurant. fancy and delicious! the calamari was bomb, the arancini was alright, but the main of chickpea and mushrooms was delish. after lunch we headed right on back to the hotel.

when i said it was cold, i wasn’t joking... it was FREEZING at the top. i had a horrible time because i don’t do that well in the cold

alan and i walked over to woolworths to get water and makeup remover and snacks. on the way back we stopped by PLANT for dinner. i was sooo excited to try out their vegan fast food, so i ordered a lot of the menu. we got the quinoa salad, mac and cheez, seitan lasagna, schawarma, pot stickers, siu mai, spag bolognese, tiramisu, milk tart and a bunch of other random vegan snacks. i was in HEAVEN. even though some of the stuff was cold by the time we got back to the hotel and ate, it still tasted DELICIOUS. i was soooo impressed.

this was the lasagna. omfg i need an encore of this restaurant one day!!! wish i knew how to cook like this

jul 12, 19 ••• today we went to a wine blending workshop at grande provence winery. the first step was to blend 3 different mixtures. after tasting them all, we decided the last blend was the winner, with 40% zinfandel, 10% shiraz and 50% cabernet. so then we blended up a big bottle of it, corked it, thew on a hand-signed label, and then walked around the beautiful indoor and outdoor art galleries.

this was our group!

wine blending is literally mixing different wines together in different proportions and figuring out which you like the taste of the best

there was a lot of cute art at the winery! i loved all the dogs and greyhounds around the property. these 3 dancing pigs came a close second

we drove a little way for lunch at another beautiful vineyard. i had a charcoal ciabatta, tomato quinoa salad, root veggie risotto and steamed veggies on the side. we skipped the wine tasting because our lunch overran a bit and our bus driver buford said that the traffic would be pretty heavy on a friday afternoon and it wouldn’t be worth it to be stuck on the bus. so we just walked around the cute little town we were at, franschhoek (??)

there was a lot of cute art and small local shops around this town! we strolled around and got some souvenirs ¨̮

love this

we had a dinner booked way ahead at fyn restaurant. it was stunningly delicious. i loved every single course and was thoroughly impressed.

UGHHHHH just soooo good.

jul 13, 19 ••• FINALLY we had a day to sleep in!!!! we let our group know the night before that we didn’t want to join the walking tour around the city. we woke up and made our way to the company’s garden, which was directly next to our hotel. we played harry potter wizards unite and ran into the tour group. my mom told me later on it was a good decision of ours not to join haha.

we walked to addis in cape for an authentic ethiopian meal experience. we washed our hands at the table, ate the whole meal with our hands, and finally i was able to taste injera. it was 100% teff injera and it did not disappoint. i ordered a vegan platter while alan got a combo. the amount of food was PERFECT for us, we finished every single thing. 

we ordered dessert but the hot berries never showed up and the ice cream was interestingly very gummy and very very sweet. the coffee was strong and served with a beautiful platter.

after that, we needed to walk our full tummies off. we headed to the waterfront, where there were many shops and stalls in indoor and outdoor malls. it was just a really good time walking around there and we saw soooo many things. there was bubble tea in south africa, a yogurt bar that made me sooo happy, dogs were up for adoption, and a bootleg jabbawockeez performance at the city square. we walked back to the hotel after that and got ready for bed.

jul 14, 19 ••• we woke up at 430am to head to the airport by 530am. we caught our first flight from cape town to johannesburg, then transferred to a direct flight back to hong kong. it was a TIRING trip but wow, the memories!! really want to go to back soon

#tanjastravels #tansworld #travel #wanderlust #tanja travels #tanjalan #cape town #uganda #gorilla #gorilla trekking #africa #south africa #safari #memories #travel memories #do you even travel

[destinyc1020]

I’m personally of the thinking that they are only hooking up during these 5 months and then go their separate ways. After seeing them both home and happy I don’t see how this will work long term anymore. Plus we’ve got nothing major from either one of them that screams relationship.

Mmmmm.... 🤔 I kinda feel like if they just wanted a hookup with each other they would have chosen other outlets. Otherwise, why go BACK to an ex and risk possible feelings coming up again, or having misunderstandings, hence making filming with each other awkward and confusing if you just wanted a hookup?🥴

Plus, Z seems to be a pretty "rational" and cautious thinking person just overall, so if she weren't feeling Tom at all, I doubt she'd be hooking up with him. Idt she would want to be giving him mixed signals tbh. Remember, they are EXES, not just "friends" or random strangers lol.

My gut feeling is that if TZ are "getting friendly" behind closed doors, then I feel like it's obviously because there are still feelings on both ends between them, and they are trying to rekindle their relationship. I'm honestly starting to strongly suspect that they both came to Atlanta already kind of knowing that they were each on the same page, and might want to try again, but do things a little differently. I don't think they came to Atlanta and were just flying completely blind in other words.

But I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I do agree with you that we will have to wait and see what happens AFTER filming because that will give us more "clues" into the SOT (State of Tomdaya). One thing I know for sure is that Z is going to be super busy with Euphoria S2 filming for many MONTHS right after SM3 filming is over, so that, coupled with covid filming restrictions doesn't really give her much free time/wiggle room to travel. 🥴🤷🏾‍♀️

With that said.....Maybe it's just me, but I actually don't think that them being "happy" in their home locations is really a determining factor in what will happen after filming though. I say that because I've always assumed they were each perfectly happy in their home locations from the outset, but that STILL didn't deter them from dating each other before lol! 😆 So I'm not sure that's really a factor right now.... especially in this current climate.

Distance will always be a challenge for them unless smthg changes, but they dated each other before even with long distance, so I'm not sure distance alone would deter them if they really want to be together again. What WILL be different however is covid, and the fact that we're in a PANDEMIC. So, with ppl getting sick, and travel restrictions being put in place, it would def make it harder to travel back and forth to see each other this time around. I expect/predict that we're going to be in this covid situation at least the entirety of 2021 as well, sooo.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

IF Tomdaya does get back together, they are definitely fighting an uphill battle.... 😫😭

Sometimes it's the right person, but just the wrong timing. 🤷🏾‍♀️ If we weren't in this pandemic situation (which is only going to get WORSE at the beginning of the year 2021 imo), my feelings would be totally different.

Lastly, idk if I would expect any one "MAJOR" clue if they are together Anon. Ppl forget that even with Tomdaya 1.0 it was primarily at first lots of LITTLE clues adding up. I would actually look for a LOT of little clues all adding up to them dating again, as opposed to one BIG "major" clue. If they are trying to rekindle smthg again, I can actually see them wanting to be MORE private (at least at the outset) so that ppl aren't in their business 24/7 while they're trying to figure their relationship out. That's like having a million pairs of eyes on you. 👀 I can understand why that could be a little uncomfortable or nerve-wracking. Because what if it doesn't last past filming ykwim? 🤷🏾‍♀️ And we all know what happened when they "went public" with their other relationships. 😬

Either way though, more and more signs WILL continue to come out if they are indeed dating each other again. Otherwise, there will be signs that they're dating other ppl. Like, either way we'll know lol. 😅 I just wouldn't expect an announcement or showy display or anything haha.

[thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild]

25 more things I learned during a global pandemic from your Local Teenage Train wreck :) (Pt. 2)

1. Gaining weight is okay. Losing weight is okay. Bodies fluctuate and are inconsistent. Just make sure that you’re trying your best to be healthy, whatever that means for you. 

2. School is hard, especially during a global. freaking. pandemic. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s harder to get up in the morning or your grades aren’t as high as they usually are. It’s hard right now. 

3. You’re mental health comes above all. School, responsibilities, and personal projects are not worth your time if it’s affecting your mental health. If your gut is telling you to take a break, take a break!

4. If you feel lonely, get a plant to keep in your room. Do some research as to that plants do best with the type of lighting in your room, and figure out some basic care instructions. Have someone to take care of besides yourself. Name your plants, and take care of them. 

5. Even if you’re not good at writing, I suggest you keep a journal during this time. It kept me sane over the summer, and even though I eventually stopped because of limited time with school starting back up, it helped to keep me sane in the worst of the pandemic. 

6. If you’re spiritual (or even if you’re not) learn how to do shadow work. This isn’t anything that has to be spiritual or done in just one religion. It’s basically giving yourself a chance and a space to be open and honest with yourself and to learn what you might need to work on through writing. If you google it, you can find a more in depth explanation, and prompts to start doing it. You basically give yourself a prompt. They can be questions like “What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone else or yourself?” or they can be a little less heavy like “What are five non physical things that you genuinely like about yourself?”. This can be pretty heavy, and can dig up some unwanted emotions, but that’s the whole point; to deal with the emotions you may have been repressing and letting fester inside of you. 

7. On days when you’re not feeling well mentally, take a break. It’s okay to drop everything and get an extra hour of sleep, read, or do something else to make yourself feel better.

8. After hard days, I know the last thing you want to do is get up and continue on, but here are some ways to do it:

- lay out an outfit that’s put together, but not as over the top. No sweat pants or crappy clothes, but it doesn’t have to be your usual put together outfits with a full face of makeup. A nice crewneck and a nice pair of black athletic leggings can go a long way. 

-wear your comfort jewelry. I wear my beaded necklace that I bought for myself,  the silver ring my grandma gave me and the gold cross ring that my mom gave to me when I got confirmed. 

-eat breakfast. A handful of cereal will do. Anything. But eat something. I like to make oatmeal. It sounds boring but if you make it right, it tastes just perfect for mornings when you don’t feel hungry but know inside that you are. Recipe is next on the list :)

-go to school. I know you want to lay in bed. I know the last place you want to be is a crowded building full of pubescent teens that aren’t nice, but go. Go to learn. Go to absorb knowledge like a sponge, and don’t worry if you fail and lose some of the water, because you can always soak it up later. 

-if you have practice, rehearsal, a game, whatever, be gentle on yourself. Today might not be your best day physically, because the brain controls everything. Forgive yourself if you can’t land that double pirouette, get to the high note, or make that assist. You’re abilities are stagnant, and they’re going to change depending on how you feel

-When you get home, turn off your phone. Friends, social media, etc. can wait. Set a timer for one hour. Do work for just that hour. When the timer rings, finish what you were doing and then stop. Now have a 20 minute break and do something that’s not screen related. Read a book, draw something; heck, stare at the wall for 20 minutes and space out. When the timer rings, do another hour and repeat the same process until it’s all done. 

-have a playlist you listen to to heal you. Sad boi hours are ok, just make sure to have a playlist of songs that get you moving again. 

-Sleep. Even if that means putting off work for tomorrow. It’s ok. You really need it. 

9. Oatmeal seems gross until you know how to prepare it. When you do, it’s revolutionary. It’s a high volume, low calorie food, so you’ll stay full for a while without overeating, all while consuming less calories than you would with a traditional breakfast cereal. 

The right way to make it: 

-measure out half a cup of old fashioned oats. Not steel cut. Those aren’t as good. 

-MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add half a cup of water and half a cup of milk of your choice. I personally like almond milk because it’s kind of sweet already even when it’s unsweetened. 

-SECOND MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add a pinch of salt, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and allspice, and a teaspoon or two of maple syrup. This is what makes it taste palatable. It’s less sugar than store-bought, and tastes amazing. 

-Microwave that shit for one minute and stir. It should look kind of lumpy, but not a ton. Then, put another minute on. Stir at every half increment. (After 30 seconds, every 15 seconds, and then every 7) This is so it doesn’t boil over. Then, take it out, stir it one last time, and let it sit for a second. 

-Wash up some berries to put in it. I love blueberries and or blackberries. 

perfect oatmeal every. single. time. Feel free to add more toppings like nuts or if you wanna treat yourself chocolate or substitute the spices, but this is honestly one of my favorite breakfasts that keeps me full throughout the day. 

10. Learn a new language. Yes, Duolingo is annoying, but do it. Find one that you’ll like to learn and that’s easy for you. Try them on like old clothes and find one that fits just right. For me, it’s French. Expose yourself to that language. Listen to music, read books (or try to) and watch movies with subtitles. Soon enough, you’ll be eager to learn more. 

11. Learn how to use notion.com. It’s super amazing. You can literally keep track of your entire life there. It’s pretty fun to use as well. I made schedules for each day after school, a reading log, a want to read list, a personal habit tracker, etc, and they’re all extremely helpful. 

12. Make a list of things you weren’t allowed to do as a kid and do one every day. Heal your inner child by finally itching the spot that may not have been scratched for years. 

13. Learn how to make origami stars. They’re really easy, and I can’t recommend Maqaroon’s (Joanna’s) video on how to make them enough. Once you’ve got it down, get yourself a nice big jar and write down things you’re grateful for on the slips of paper you’re going to fold. Fill up your gratitude jar and make a wish once it’s full. It will come true. 

14. Have 30 minutes a day to put your phone down and read. Yes. You will have to sacrifice something to do this, but it’s so important and good for not only information retention and learning, but for mental health as well. Even if you have to get up half an hour earlier to do it, it’s worth it. 

15. It’s okay to be alone, but learn to recognize the difference between alone and lonely. If you’re lonely, here are some things to do:

-write a letter to a friend. It’s something nice you can do for yourself and others, and it’s not feeding into the toxic instant reply culture that we live in

-read a book or watch a show that gets you to connect with the characters, even if that means (I've said it before and I’ll say it again) rereading a favorite ya series or binging atla for the fiftieth time. It’s good for the soul.

-take a walk and smile at the people you see coming past. Again, it’s good for the soul. 

-go to the coffee shop and ask the barista to make you a drink that tastes like “_____” (insert whatever you want there. It could be a color, song, feeling, etc.) It’s weird and uncomfortable, but it gives you a conversation starter and 9.9 times out of 10 a really good drink. (Also helpful for when you think the barrista’s cute)

-Reading in general. It opens up so many new worlds with the turn of a page. 

16. Monitor your food intake. No, don’t restrict your food intake, monitor it. This means first seeing exactly what your putting in your body and altering it to gradually improve to a clean diet. Humans weren’t built to process all the preservatives, additives and sugars found in most processed food (cereals, chips, anything in a foil bag that’s either really sweet or really salty) and it’s important to cut down and if possible eliminate as much as you can of it out of your diet. Food is fuel, and you truly are what you eat. You’ll notice that by increasing your vegetable intake, reducing white processed sugars and carbs*, and cutting out sodas/extra sugars, that you’ll feel better. This isn’t a weight loss thing, but you may start to trim down a little bit once you go more intense with it. You don’t have to eliminate anything fully, and please enjoy your favorite “bad” foods! Everything in moderation is perfect! Just make sure that you’re getting the good stuff in there too! *Side note, do NOT cut out carbs! See my post on how I’m losing weight to get more into depth on this. 

17. Buy fresh flowers for yourself. Who says that you have to wait for someone else? That’s completely false, and you should totally treat yourself to a nice bouquet on occasion, especially in the dead of winter. 

18. The whole idea of self love is flawed. Loving yourself has nothing to do with the way you look. Loving yourself comes with genuinely loving your life. If you don't love the way you’re living, change it. Make and set goals. Fail at achieving those goals. Get back up and try again until you finally get it, but make sure that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing to love the life you live. Life doesn’t live you. You live life.

19. Have candles and incense. (Or a diffuser if you’re not allowed to burn stuff) Making your environment smell good makes a huge difference

20. Once you turn 18, get a tattoo. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Pick something small and get it behind your ear, on your ankle, wrist, fingers, whatever. You’ll love having the memory when your old. 

21. Realize your worth. We often put ourselves down because we think that valuing ourselves is equivalent to selfishness. It’s not. At all. You are just as important as everyone else. Your voice matters too. 

22. Go to art museums

23. Go to free concerts in the park

24. Expose yourself to new art, ideas, and literature

25. Life is gonna suck sometimes. It’s just how it is. That doesn’t mean a bad day’s gonna last forever. As cheesy as it is, keep your head up :)

[lovemesomesurveys]

What were you like at 17? Gah, that feels like a lifetime ago... I can barely remember. In a couple years I’ll be twice that age D: Sigh. Anyway, at that time I was a senior in high school. I had a few friends. I was shy and awkward (that hasn’t changed at all). I was a hardworking student. I had ambitions back then (that’s definitely changed). I had my issues, but not at all like these past few years. I was doing fine back then.

Tell us about your first kiss. It was behind my high school’s drama department with my boyfriend at the time. It was unexpected and awkward, but I was just so giddy about having had my first kiss haha. I remember calling my cousin who I was super close with at the time to freak out about it with and wrote all about it in my journal lol.

Tell us about your worst date. I haven’t had many dates, but none of the dates I have been on were bad.

What’s your biggest flaw? My negative self-talk and being my own worst enemy, my negativity, holding myself back, my stubbornness, self-neglect, being a complete mess of a person...

What’s the coolest thing you’ve bought lately? There’s this website called, “The Magic Candle Company”, which sells Disneyland and Disney World themed scented candles, hand sanitizer and hand soap, wax melts, and room sprays, and I bought a couple room sprays and hand sanitizers of my favorite Disneyland scents. I thought that was pretty cool.

Who is your celebrity crush? Alexander Skarsgard if you ya’ll didn’t know that by now.

What is your biggest pet peeve? people who like to talk just to hear their own annoying-ass voices. <<< lol that made me laugh. 

What’s the song you most wish you had written? I don’t wish I had written any song. 

What do you always take with you when you travel? The necessities like clothes, toiletries, medicine, wallet, some of the medical supplies I need, phone, usually my laptop, chargers, hand sanitizer... and now would also require the addition of masks. I haven’t travelled since the pandemic hit, but that would definitely be a necessity. And disinfectant spray and wipes. I feel like that’s just going to part of the norm going forward even if we get things under control. 

Do you have any pets? Yep, I have my adorable doggo, Princess Leia. <33

Have you or someone you know ever drunk dialed? Yeah. What is the worst break up you have experienced? Honestly, the thing that came to mind first wasn’t even really a breakup at all because we never dated, but losing him felt like one and the heartbreak was real. I really fell for Ty. He said he liked me, too. Things felt so different with him. Like, I honestly thought something would happen between us. I was able to see us together for the long-term. The connection we had was different than anything I had before. My parents absolutely loved him and definitely thought something would come of us. He was the sweetest, caring, most genuine guy I ever knew. Gahhhh, he was a good one, ya’ll. He really was.

Have you ever been stuck by someone very annoying on a plane/bus/etc? Yes. Not fun.

When was the last time you were rejected by someone? A few years ago.

Has someone way older than you tried to hit on you? Yes. He was twice my age and the worst part was he thought I was 17 (I was in my early 20s).

Have you ever been cheated on? No. I hated that Joseph hooked up with his ex a few times while we had our thing going on between us, but we weren’t dating so he wasn’t actually cheating. We were talking, though, and had something going on. He knew how I felt about him. And for whatever reason, he didn’t want me to know he was doing that and he felt guilty about it. 

Did you get lost at all on your first day of high school? I remember getting turned around and not being able to find one of my classes and ended up being slightly late. It was the first day, so it wasn’t a big deal, but still. I even went before school started to mentally map out my route and make sure I knew where I was going so I could avoid that. I was so nervous my first day of high school.

Have you ever been interrupted during sex? --

Have you ever been recorded doing stupid things while drunk? One of my friends and I would make stupid videos on our phones cause we thought we were funny, ha.

Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? No.

Have you ever cooked anything and it turned out horrible? Yeah, I’ve attempted baking certain things before and they didn’t come out right. I’m just so not a cook. 

What is the worst birthday you have ever had? I haven’t had a bad birthday.

Have you ever choked on chewing gum? I don’t think so.

Have you ever found anything dirty in a siblings room? No, but I also don’t go looking around through his things.

Have you ever made a bad first impression on someones parents? Parents always seemed to love me.

When is the last time you got into a fist fight? I’ve never been in a physical fight.

Have you ever been spit on by a llama? Uh, no. Thankfully.

Have you ever locked yourself out of your car/house? I’ve forgotten my keys before and was locked out of the house. Thankfully, I live by a lot of fast food places and just went somewhere to eat while I waited for someone to get home, ha.

Describe how you got one of your scars. Spinal surgery.

Describe how you’ve broken a bone, if you have. I’m a paraplegic and don’t have any feeling in my legs, and they’re fragile from not being used, so as a kid I managed to break a bone in my leg once.

Have you ever had a near death experience? Yes. 

When you get cold at home, do you get a sweater/hoodie or get a blanket? It depends. Sometimes both.

Do you require visual assistance? (i.e.; glasses or contacts) Yeah, I wear glasses.

Do you work out? No.

Describe the last cup you drank from. I’m currently drinking my venti peppermint white chocolate mocha with soy from Starbucks. Yum.

What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Ramen.

Do you like sausage? I used to, but I stopped eating it because it’s usually spicy and I can’t have spicy food anymore. I went from being obsessed with spicy food and could handle a decent amount of spice to now not even being able to eat something like sausage, which I never would have considered remotely spicy before.

Ever held a newborn animal? Aww, no.

Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? Not anymore. I don’t even bother with the candles anymore.

Have you ever been to Boston? No.

Describe your hair at the moment. It’s up in a messy bun as usual.

What is the last thing you searched for online? Something relating to a question in a survey yesterday.

What are you sitting on? My bed.

Could you use a massage right now? No. I’ve actually never had a massage before.

Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? Oh, no sleep is happening if I’m hot.

Do you sleep on your stomach/back/side most often? I sleep slightly turned to my left side. I can’t sleep completely on my back.

Do make sure you dot your I`s when you write? Yeah.

Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Yeah. Or coffee.

What did you wear today? I’m wearing leggings and a long sleeve shirt.

Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? If I don’t know what it means. And even the simplest things sound scary in medical terms.

Are you afraid of failure? I feel like a failure already and I’m afraid of always being one.

Have you been called a bad influence? No.

What about Chinese food? Love it or hate it? I like some Chinese food. 

How do you feel about getting new neighbors? I don’t care unless they’re loud and annoying, which we’ve had to deal with in the past. Why were you last in a hospital? I had surgery back in 2012.

When is the last time you went to a doctor, and why? Last month to get my pain medication refilled. You have to see the doctor in order to get medication like that cause of the super strict regulations on them. It’s a big pain, no pun intended.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[obisgirl]

This coming Friday is my wedding rehearsal.  It's been a rough, not just because of the pandemic; although that is a part of it.  But also because of my mom.  I still remember how my mom was, in regard to my brother's wedding.

She put her foot down that she wasn't attending his wedding just because it wasn't going to be church, when I told her pretty bluntly, it is a frelling miracle that my brother is getting married in general.  She's going to regret if she doesn't go, and I won't feel sorry for her for making a mistake like that.  

She ultimately changed her mind; what she didn't know at the time, was that my boyfriend and I were planning to announce our engagement and we were both worried, because he hadn't gone through RCIA, if we were going to be allowed to be married in the church.  How would my mom react to that?  React the same way she did when my brother announced his plans? 

My mom is a difficult person in general.  She throws adult temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, which is a huge reason why my fiance and I decided from the beginning that we needed to hire a wedding planner.  It’s definitely worth the cost to avoid the stress that is my mom. 

This week, she’s like,  my dad needs a tuxedo.  I’m like, no, he doesn’t and we discussed this before.  A suit is fine. I heard her bitching to my dad about how he’s not going to have a tuxedo, I’m like yeah, not dealing this shit.  (I think my dad is super uncomfortable going to the store anyway during a pandemic to be fitted for a suit, which I don’t blame him for).

She also wanted all our face masks to be matching; which is, also not necessary.  The important thing for my fiance and I, you practice social distancing inside the church and wear face masks. Style is not that important as long as your face is covered and you’re respectful of others.

I’ve had to remind her when it comes to final say,  it’s not her choice.  This wedding is not about her.  She can make her own big decisions when she has her 50th anniversary in nine or ten years, not my wedding. 

I know that this has been a difficult year for my fiance too.  He was furloughed from his work (although they still pay his health insurance), but he hates not doing anything.  It’s also been rough for him because we really haven’t been able to see each other that much this year due to the pandemic. 

Before I moved all my clothes and stuff to his place last Saturday, the last time I saw him in person and held his hand was for the Engaged Couples conference we were required to attend in June. 

Before that, the last time we saw each other in person was in mid-March before lock down started.  We chatted via Facebook messenger video a lot and eventually switched to using zoom because it worked better for both of us. 

He’s also been on his own for months too.  His roommate (who is also his best man) moved back to his house in Williamsburg during lock down and came back up briefly once his restaurant reopened and now, he’s moved out again to make room for me.  I know the thing that he looks forward to the most, is not being alone anymore; just having me there.  I miss him too. 

We’ve both waited so long so start our lives together.  I never wanted to delay our wedding and accepted early on, okay, if we have to scale back things, okay, we’ll do that but NEVER delay. 

This pandemic could have broken us, but it didn’t.  What this pandemic has done, is make us appreciate and love each other even more. 

But yay, my fiance and I made it!  As of today, we are four days until our wedding day!! 

#weddingstuff

[elfcreations]

The Birth Story of Scarlett Mae

We knew we wanted more than two kids even before we got married. We discussed age differences and decided our first two we wanted close together. After our Second baby, Penelope, was born we decided that we wanted to focus on the current kids being potty trained and more self sufficient before adding a third child. Another thing we wanted to wait on was knowing we needed more space to add more kids since our first home was starting to feel cramped with the four of us. In 2019 we were able to sell our first home and purchase our dream home in the spring of 2020. It was cutting it very close in our timeline because we had discussed wanting our third to come in the spring of 2021. Nearing the end of July 2020 we discovered we were expecting our third child due in April 2021.

This pregnancy was so very different in many ways. I had some horrible digestive issues in the first trimester which made it difficult to do much more than stay home. My stomach starting popping out very quickly as well. The biggest change of all was being pregnant during an pandemic. I had limited visits to the birth center and tele-medicine visits as well as having to be alone for all appointments. Just like with our first two we decided we did not want to know the gender of the baby until they arrived. Morning sickness stuck with me throughout the entire pregnancy just like our daughters pregnancy so I was convinced I was expecting another girl. I failed my one hour glucose test and had to return for a three hour test which I thankfully passed (never failed one with my previous pregnancies). At our anatomy scan they measured my placenta being low so I had to go back in 10 weeks to ensure it had moved so I would not have to have a csection. Thankfully my placenta moved out of the way and that risk was removed.

I was told by all the midwifes that third babies are unpredictable and can always throw in a surprise for you. Since I went past 41 weeks with my second and almost hit 41 weeks with my first it was expected that I was go over 40 weeks again. At 39 weeks and 4 days gestation I started having consistent 5 minutes in between lasting one minute long contractions at 11:30am. They continued without easing up all day and around 10:30pm I decided to call the birth center. At that time I was timing them at 3 minutes in between and one minute and thirty seconds long. They told me to come on in and we drove over. When we got there I was checked and I was only 2 cm dilated but thought my water may have broken. They decided for me to rest for a few hours there and they would recheck me. They sent me home at 4am when it was determined my water definitely had not broken and I was still only 2cm dilated. I took some Tylenol pm on the way home and fell asleep. When I woke up at the house my contractions had completely stopped. That day I slept for most of it after such a long day of contractions and no sleep. I was so discouraged and disappointed that it wasn’t time yet. The next two weeks I walked, bounced on my yoga ball, drank red raspberry leaf tea, took primrose oil and stayed busy. Then it was time for my 41 week appointment.

I was 41 weeks and 1 day when I headed into my 41 week appointment at 2:45pm. I was scheduled to have a non stress test and then go to have an ultrasound to check the fluid levels for the baby. I went into the birth center and they checked my weight and then my blood pressure as they always did. The blood pressure monitor beeped and they said it was elevated. I was so shocked because I’ve always had a low blood pressure. The midwife Emily took me down to the birthing suites for my NST. She took me into the peach room which was actually the room I had on my birth plan as my room to birth in. I laid down for the test and we discussed if and when to schedule my induction if I reached 42 weeks. I decided as long as the baby was doing well we would plan for an induction in one week at 42 weeks and 1 day. Emily left the room and Kaitlyn (so sorry if I spelled the name wrong) came in to look over the NST and retake my blood pressure after the test was finished. My NST results looked great and showed I was having consistent contractions. She took my blood pressure and it was still elevated. She decided to wait a little bit longer and retest it with me sitting up in the chair. She took my blood pressure again and it was still elevated so she told me that Emily would have to come back and talk about what had to happen next. I was so shocked that this checkup was changing so quickly. They told me that the concern was that I could have hypertension. In order to confirm I had hypertension I had to have elevated blood pressure after they rechecked me in four hours. If I had hypertension I would not be able to give birth at the birth center and would have to go to the hospital to be induced which they knew I did not want. I was told I had two options, To go to the hospital and get induced or to try a midwife induction at the birth center to get my labor to kick in before the four hours were up to retest my blood pressure. At around 3:40pm I was told to get Stephen in the room so we could discuss it. My head was reeling that this was actually happening. I started that day thinking it was probably going to be a few more days of waiting. I had ensured all of birth bags were placed in the van before we left for my appointment (however I forgot my snack bag and drinks). Stephen and I decided we would get the midwife induction going in hopes we could bypass the hospital. Stephen went to the grocery store to grab some snacks and drinks for me and Emily did a cervical check and a membrane sweep. She told me I 3 cm dilated and she got me to 4 cm dilated. I called my mom around 4:20 pm to tell her what was happening and to go ahead and head to my house to watch the kids.

The next step was to start taking some oil blends that encourage contractions to be strong and productive. After four hours I was having consistent contractions and they had to recheck my blood pressure. It was not elevated so I wasn’t being booted to the hospital but they had to recheck in four more hours. Around 9pm Kaitlyn had to leave (she was so amazing while we had her there!) and Kelly and Jaci (also rockstars) were taking over for the night. They stopped the blends to see if my contractions stayed strong and consistent at that time. At around 10:30pm they checked my cervix and I was 5 cm dilated so they went ahead and broke my water. Jaci told me there was a little bit of late meconium in the water so I would not be able to labor in the tub like I had hoped to (because of my scoliosis in my lower spine I have intense back labor and any heat I can get on my back helps). I’ve never seen so much fluid from my water breaking. This baby had a nice big watery home. Over the next few hours my contractions continued to stay consistent and strong. Around midnight my blood pressure was rechecked and it was slightly elevated again. They told me they would have to recheck again around 4am and if it was still elevated they would have to draw my blood to test for hypertension. After that my contractions really ramped up. They were long and super close together. I barely got a break in between. I was hopeful that this meant some real progress was happening. After over an hour of these intense contractions they did a cervical check. I was 8 1/2 cm so those intense contractions dilated me from a 5 to an 8 1/2. I was discouraged however because I was hoping the baby was about to arrive but I knew it would be soon. I decided to relax on the bed and not return to the birthing ball for a little bit after that time because I was very tired and needed a rest for my back. Kelly went and got a tens unit and placed it on my back to help with my back labor.

After being on the bed for a little bit Kelly said she wanted me to try sitting on the birthing stool and have Stephen sit behind me and help me through the contractions. She placed a mirror on the floor and told me to look down and see how ready my body was getting for the birth of this little one and I was amazed that this baby was definitely close to coming for sure. I labored there for a couple of hours and then they did a cervical check again. I was still 8 1/2 cm dilated and my cervix was no longer low and forward. The baby had moved it high and back. They told me we would need to do something to encourage the baby to push down and stay down to keep things progressing. It was discussed to get the peanut ball out and I would labor for the next hour with that. They let me lay in the bed for a little while before checking back. I fell asleep between the intense contractions because I was so worn out at this point. I had been awake since 6:30 am the morning before and it was nearing 5am. Kelly rechecked my blood pressure and it was back down again. She told me she just wanted me to focus on resting and she wasn’t going to start me on the peanut ball. When Kelly came back I saw the sun beginning to come out and she told me she could tell I was in a lot of pain so she wanted to see if I wanted to get in the tub. I wanted to scream YES! I was so ready to get in and hopefully relieve some of my back pain.

I got into the tub and it felt so wonderful. I of course still had pain but that warm water felt so good against my sore body. Kelly came into the room shortly after and told me she was headed home and that Molly and Carrie were taking over. She left the room and the intense urge to push came over me and I looked at Stephen and he knew what was happening even though I wasn’t able to verbalize it. He went out and told Kelly and she came back in along with Molly and Carrie. I pushed for a while on my back in the tub but felt I needed more leverage. They told me to move to my side but that was very uncomfortable for me so I went back to my back. I pushed a few more times and Kelly told me I should try to move to my hands and knees like I birthed my second child. I pushed there and made some more progress but this baby was still so hard to push out. Carrie said she wanted me to get out of the tub and get on the birthing stool. I got out of the tub which was very difficult and sat down on the stool. They had set a mirror under me on the stool and I could see the babies head. The next push I finally felt the babies head coming through but the contraction ended and the head stayed halfway out. I couldn’t believe the head was just staying there and didn’t go back in so I knew I needed to push with everything I had during the next contraction. I pushed with all my strength and I felt the head break free. I was so relieved. But then I kept pushing to get the rest of the baby out but nothing was happening. The mood quickly shifted in the room and I realized that the babies shoulders were stuck. I didn’t have much time to panic but I did just think what is going to happen if they cannot get the baby out. They quickly had me get on the bed on all fours and Carrie did some midwife ninja magic while I pushed. She then had me get on my back and in less than a minute (it felt like an eternity) at 8:53am after 43 minutes of pushing she had the baby out and laying on me. I was overwhelmed with relief and happiness to meet my baby. I asked Stephen if it was a girl or a boy and he told me a girl. Our little Girl was here!

I gave the baby to Stephen and they checked me out and said I had no tears which I was so relieved to hear. When I got her in my arms she latched on immediately and started nursing like a champ. When they weighed her she was 10lbs and 22in long! I could not believe I birthed a 10lb baby and had no tearing. My first baby was 8lbs 13oz and my second was 8lbs 2oz so I was not at all expecting just a big baby to arrive. Of course my blood pressure was still going up and down during recovery so they took my blood to test for preeclampsia before they released us to go home. Molly came back in and told me I was clear and good to go home whenever we wanted. We left the day she was born to head home around 2pm and I was so happy to get in my bed and see my other kiddos. This birth was a rollercoaster ride for me but the ladies at the birth center were incredible. I’m still in awe of the amazing talent that I witnessed that day from every nurse and midwife. My husband described it best to me of women all empowering each other. He said it was like they were all connected to me giving me strength. I’m so happy to have my baby girl in my arms! Also a huge thanks to our friend and incredibly talented photographer Darby for capturing this day for us. I’m so grateful that she took time out of her life and stayed up with us all night to capture the magic of that day. I will cherish the images forever.

[pandemicperipatetics]

Carlsbad Caverns

The Verdict: Definitely AVOID during the pandemic (more on that below). Essentially it’s one massive cave with some pretty fascinating structures within, so a pretty cool place to go if you’re in the area. But, not something we’d go especially out of our way for; and if time crunched, we’d choose Guadalupe Mountains National Park over Carlsbad Caverns.

WHAT TO DO

Well, this one’s obvious...you’re there to see the Caverns! There are apparently some outdoor hiking trails in the area, but according to multiple blogs we visited, they’re nothing to write home about. We walked a portion of a trail near the Caverns entrance and we concur.

To get into the Caverns, you’ll have the opportunity to walk the Natural Entrance Trail (1.25 miles). This is a STEEP downhill walk that literally takes you 750 feet (~75 stories) down into the Caverns. It is, and it felt, really long. It does have pretty cool views, but you have to tread carefully, and consider taking a hiking pole and a headlamp or flashlight. Alternative: You can take the elevator down from the visitor center.

Once you’ve reached the bottom of the Caverns, you’ll be on the Big Room Trail. This may all be part of one massive room, but it felt to us like many distinct areas. There is all sorts of cool stuff down there - huge stalagmites, myriad stalactites, water pools, labyrinthine passages. 

Since we were in the first timed entry group of the day, we had most of these trails to ourselves, at least until we caught up to the handful of people who had taken the elevator down instead of walking. We can imagine Carlsbad Caverns may typically be very crowded, but due to COVID-19 restrictions on the number of entrants, we were (in a way) fortunate to have the space mostly to ourselves. Also - we walked somewhat faster than usual to try to stay ahead of the (many non-mask-wearing, non-social distancing) laggards in our timed entry group.

We ended our walk through the Big Room by taking the elevator back up to the Visitor Center. Luckily, there wasn’t a line for the elevator when we arrived -- probably rare, and because we were among the first people in the Caverns that day.

Overall, we found the Caverns to feel pretty commercialized, almost like a theme park. It was very different than any other National Park we’ve been to. Neither of us loves that kind of vibe, but were of course grateful to have paved and well-lit paths to walk on and enjoy the unusual space.

GETTING IN

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Caverns currently allow 1,000 entrants per day. You must obtain a ticket at the Visitor Center (free with an annual parks pass); tickets are for timed entry from 8:30 a.m. - 2:15 p.m., and they seem to sell out quickly.

We were hesitant to visit during the pandemic since the Caverns are indoors, but we figured we might never again be in such close proximity to be able to visit. We had also hoped the limits on number of entrants and masking requirements would help. Unfortunately, this wasn’t quite the case.

We got up at 6 a.m., got dressed and drove the half hour from our hotel in Carlsbad to the Caverns, and lined up outside the Visitor Center at 7 a.m. We were the 5th group in line. By 7:15 a.m., the line was already much longer, and by the time the Visitor Center opened at 8:00 a.m., the line was so long we could no longer see the end of it. It felt like lining up outside a grocery store in Manhattan at the height of the pandemic last spring, back when people were hoarding toilet paper and surgical masks. Unfortunately, the experience of obtaining a ticket felt like being part of a super-spreader event; it probably counteracted the good the park is doing by limiting entry into the Caverns. Here’s why it was so bad:

People did not maintain a 6 foot distance in line. There were no markers / stickers showing where people should stand to remain socially distanced. The line seemed to keep getting more and more compressed until we were sitting right next to the people behind us (the dad wearing a “Biden is not my president” hoodie and no mask) and were very close to the people standing ahead of us, who kept inching closer in our direction. This made us extremely uncomfortable.

People did not reliably wear masks, in line or in the Caverns (where probably >50% of the people we passed had removed their masks, despite signage asking people to remain masked).

The Park allowed everyone to wait inside the Visitor Center for their tickets, and it was absolute mayhem. No social distancing, people walking in all directions -- the closet thing to this that we’ve seen since the pandemic started is the storming of the Capitol in January. Honestly, it was awful. The Park should be limiting the number of people entering the visitor center and having everyone else line up outside socially distanced -- it was certainly warm enough for that. They should learn from Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods!

We are SO glad we got there early. Luckily, since we were 5th in line, we only spent a couple of minutes inside the overrun visitor center and got the first tickets to enter the Caverns (8:30 a.m.). When our group was allowed in, we speed-walked down the steep trail until we had left the other tourists behind, and we enjoyed most of our walk down in peace and quiet (one couple caught up to us, but they put on their masks). In that sense, the experience was probably less crowded than visiting the Caverns during the pandemic, though it was still not exactly leisurely since we were always trying to stay ahead of the group. We also didn’t rent the audio guides available at the Visitor Center ($5) since we didn’t want to be slowed down at risk of getting exposed to other tourists.

Based on this experience, we would not recommend visiting Carlsbad Caverns during the COVID-19 pandemic. It felt like the riskiest thing we have done in the entire last 12 months.

GETTING THERE

Guadalupe Mountains National Park is literally on the way from El Paso to Carlsbad Caverns. So it’s a really nice drive! The road was good and easy.

WHERE TO STAY

Lodging is plentiful in nearby Carlsbad, New Mexico.* The Fairfield Inn Carlsbad was surprisingly excellent. It looked pretty new and nicer than most Fairfield Inns we’ve stayed at recently (quite a few on our trip already), the receptionist was unusually nice, the room was very clean, and there was a pretty good (if sugary) grab and go breakfast in the morning.

*Don’t get mixed up with Carlsbad, California! Google Maps kept defaulting to the California location.

[quil12]

Let’s all gather round and hear the tale of my horrible roommate

Long post - I really just needed to vent

(Some actual stuff happens in here and it’s not just like “they don’t wash their dishes” - it’s actual stuff that I would be interested in reading if it weren’t happening to me)

It all started about a month ago. My roommate invited a strange man over during a pandemic in order to get super drunk and then sleep with him. She passed out on the floor and left him to wander around the rest of the building drunk. He started yelling and trying to get into random people’s apartments. The police got called and she got a lease violation. 

Not too long after that, she wanted her boyfriend to come and stay in the apartment. To reiterate, we’re in a pandemic right now. Also, he is a 40 year old man and I am 20. I’m not sure how old our other roommate is, but I assume also in her 20’s. Our other roommate and I were not too thrilled about this and we gave the perfectly reasonable request of asking them to get a hotel room. Just to add onto this, our other roommate is not a native English speaker and she was being incredibly rude to her because even though you could understand her, her sentences weren’t “grammatically correct” so she was pretending like she couldn’t understand her requests. Instead of talking it out, she went behind our backs to the leasing office to get permission from them. Kind of a dick move tbh.

Unrelated to that, I asked her to wash the dishes of mine which she had been using because I had given her permission to use them under the stipulation that she wash them after using them. I asked her to actually wash the dishes that she used or else to please stop using mine. This triggered a massive temper tantrum where she was screaming and slamming doors. She also took all my dishes out and put them onto the kitchen counter. 

Because of this and the whole thing with the leasing office, I asked her to please not use my things anymore. I had to repeat this request oh, about 50 times because she couldn’t get it through her thick skull to not use my things. She (and her boyfriend) used my toothbrush holder and I had to throw out my toothbrush and get a new one because the bristles were literally touching mine and I didn’t trust them to not have COVID. She used my shampoo and conditioner and then lied about it (I know because I had enough for several more washes and when I went back, there was only enough for barely 1). She used my swiffer which I have explicitly told her not to use and then left the lid off of the pads (the reason I told her not to use it), and the list could go on for a while. 

During this whole time, she was consistently slamming any door she used and regularly throwing temper tantrums. She would also just leave her dog out in the living room/kitchen totally unattended, something which we aren’t allowed to do under the lease. Not to mention, her dog is extremely untrained and will bark at just about anything. Her dog will also relentlessly chase my cat so her leaving her dog out there meant that my cat couldn’t come out with me which made me uncomfortable and also feeling bad for my cat because going out in the living room is her absolute favorite time. 

I reported this to the leasing office and they asked me to record these things happening. I recorded the door slamming as well as her dog being left unattended in the common areas. She was then given another lease violation. If she were to get one more, she would be evicted. 

Things quieted down for a little while. She finally bought her own pans and dishware - her pans are in very weird and inconvenient spots because she bought too many of them even though she never cooks. And by “inconvenient” I mean like on top of the fridge where you can’t open the freezer without all of them falling on you. She also got an instant pot and decided that it needs to be out at all hours of the day. She put it on the only counter that we have available to cook and I explained that to her because she would get pissed at me for moving it over so that I could have the counter space to cook dinner and also so I wouldn’t get any food on it. I literally get food on it all the time because it’s right where I prepare food, but I guess if she feels like thoroughly cleaning it every time she uses it then I guess she can. It’s also super annoying to not have that space that I need, but whatever, this was a relatively okay time. 

She would still occasionally slam doors and throw minor temper tantrums, but it was miles better than before. Now, let’s fast forward to a few days ago - October 30th.

She had left the apartment a few hours before. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. As a side note, I was using my george foreman in order to cook a hamburger, so I absolutely needed that extra counter space that her instant pot took up. I moved it over to the other counter and my intention was to move it back after I was done cooking.

I was almost finished when she came into the apartment, very very drunk. She was struggling a lot with the door, but I just let her be because at this point, I have no want to have any sort of interaction with her. She came in stomping. She saw me in the kitchen because I was standing directly in front of the stove, and she decided that she was going to come in and use the microwave. She got way into my personal space, said "excuse me", and without waiting for me to get out of the way, she slammed the microwave right in my face. She then waited right behind my shoulder to wait for her food to finish cooking, effectively trapping me there. She went to the fridge and broke off one of the little pieces on the side of the shelves. They’ve come off before, but she was sitting there trying to fix it. This gave me time finish cooking my dinner, and I started heading to my room.

She then said something to me along the lines of "It was really nice of you to not let me in when I was locked out and you were standing right there." I was very puzzled by this seeing as she was in the apartment, and thus, not locked out. I asked her what she meant, and she again said that she was just locked out and I didn't open the door for her. I think that because she had some sort of issue with the lock, she thought that she was locked out. I assume she had so much trouble with it because of how inebriated she seemed to be. I asked her how she had been locked out when she had a key and was now inside the apartment without any help, but she kept insisting that she had been locked out and I had refused to help her. To reiterate, I was cooking dinner, I heard her struggling slightly with the lock, and then she came in. She struggled for maybe 10 seconds. 

 By this point, I had made it to my room and had closed and locked the door. My cat, Art was hiding away from her underneath the couch, and I didn't feel physically safe enough to go and retrieve her while Ash was blocking the way and screaming and swearing at me. I went out and retrieved her as soon as I felt it was safe enough to do so, but Art was very afraid because of this and I had to pull her out from under the couch. This was very scary for me because I didn't think my cat would be safe out there with her based on how she was acting, but I didn't think she knew she was there because she was under the couch. I was also texting my mom at this point so I could let her know if anything were to happen.

During this time, she was screaming at me to come out into the hallway and face her, screaming at me that I was a coward. I did not feel comfortable nor safe going out there with her and was seriously considering calling the police because she would not leave me alone and was constantly screaming at me. I asked her to leave me alone multiple times, but she just kept screaming at me to come out and face her. I explained to her that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her because she was screaming at me, slamming cabinet doors, and calling me names, but she continued to try and goad me to come out and face her.

She also said something very peculiar in that she has a recording of me calling her "a black asshole". I never said this. I asked her to provide me with this recording of this so that I could see for myself, but she declined. I almost never speak when I'm in my bedroom because I tend to text people instead of calling them. I have spoken to myself to get through homework which I do because I'm an auditory learner and it helps me to solidify my understanding. Other than that, I do not speak in my room except to my cat to which I'll call her a "darling girl" or occasionally tell her to get down off of places I don't want her to be. This is all to say that I did not say this, and even if I did, there would have been no way for her to hear it because I do not speak in my bedroom to anyone other than my cat whom I just coo at.

She was also trying to blame me for her lease violations. She told me that she was going to get me evicted and I told her that she is the one who has 2 lease violations, to which she then said that it was my fault because I reported her. While yes, I did report her, it seems as though it is her fault for exhibiting those behaviors in the first place. I do not control her actions.

 She finally gave up after a while and went to her room. This is when I went out and got my cat, but I very quickly ran back into my room because I still don't feel safe. She came out again shortly after and was yelling in the kitchen about how I hadn't cleaned up after myself cooking dinner. The reason for that is because she was yelling at me and I didn't feel safe enough to do so. She also shoved her instant pot into the space that my george foreman was taking up. Again, I had planned to put it back after I finished cooking, but her screaming at me really just destroyed that plan. There was no space for it to go right there, but she shoved it in anyway just cause I guess. 

Yesterday, she also got extremely drunk and left her dog tied up in front of the grocery store for about 3 hours. Someone else in the building saw her and recognized and brought her up, but she literally just left her dog for 3 hours and didn’t even realize she was missing for about 5. Legitimately a piss poor dog owner. 

 Now, let’s go to this morning, November 2nd. I tried to go to the bathroom. I had just woken up and needed to pee and get ready for the day. She left her room right after me, saw me, and proceeded to chase me to the bathroom, yelling at me the whole time.

 I got to the bathroom and thought that she would just leave me alone, but no. She tried to follow me into the bathroom as I was closing the door. I had to push against her in order to close it and lock it. Luckily, I'm stronger and bigger than her so I was able to do it, but it was still extremely scary.

 She then proceeded to pace outside in the hallway for about 10 minutes. I know because she was carrying her keys and I could hear them jangling as she went back and forth. Finally, she left the apartment and I took that time to run back to my room, lock the door, and move a bookcase in front of it.

During this time, I also got an email from the leasing office saying that they were working with lawyers to try and evict her as soon as possible, so that’s good news. 

 I had to pick up a package from the leasing office, and when I came back she was out doing laundry. I just walked past and went to my room, but as soon as she saw me, she slammed the door to the dryer. After a minute, she walked past my room, yelled the word "coward" at me (she's been doing this quite frequently - yelling at me through my door as she walks past), then went into her room for a minute. She then came back out and stood in front of my door and started whispering "you're a coward, you're a nasty human being" repeatedly. 

 Let me tell you, I have just about called the police on her 3 times in the past few days. I just need the energy out there that the eviction stuff will happen as quickly as humanly possible and I can stop being afraid to go out into the rest of the apartment. 

#roommate #roommates #roommate drama #this is actually legitimately scary for me #bad roommates #I need everyone to put out the energy that she'll get evicted real soon #i asked the guy at the leasing office if there was another place i could stay tonight cause i am scared #we'll see what he says #basically we're at the point where i have to pee really bad but i don't want to go out there in case she's also out there #or comes out there when she hears me come out #venting

[inventedworld]

A REPORT FROM AN ASTEROID, A REPORT FROM THE ROAD

I’ve been chasing an asteroid for the past couple of months. On October 20th, I directed live coverage of NASA’s first attempt to make contact with an asteroid 200 million miles away, capture a sample, and bring it back to Earth. The program utilized nine live cameras, including five in the the Mission Support Area, or “MSA” (essentially the project’s “mission control”), a pile of super-talented guests, an even bigger pile of stunning graphics and animations, and a million edgy government, corporate, and university stakeholders. 

In a word: extraordinary.

Here’s another word: thrilling. 

Of course, this whole endeavor meant that I had to leave the safe confines of my home just outside of Washington DC, a place from which I’ve rarely ventured since the start of the pandemic in March. Once ensconced in the MSA on the outskirts of Denver, I worked shoulder to shoulder with a huge group of superb videographers, TV engineers, animators, producers, on-camera talent, NASA scientists, and anything-but-ordinary spacecraft engineers and flight controllers. Not only were cast and crew obligated to get close to each other and lean in to shared tasks, but as the chief cook and bottle washer, I was also the primary point person for myriad decisions negotiated with government leadership, corporate execs, academic heavyweights, creatives, the technical crew, and….

…that’s all fine by me. That’s what I do. The problem was, in this case, that it all happened during a major pandemic stalking the nation, invisible among us, hiding in the community, waiting for a mistake or a misstep from just a single tired, distracted, or complacent person so that it could latch on, get inside, and burn through the team. A positive test would not only have jeopardized the whole television production (you can check that out here), but it would also have jeopardized the whole mission itself. Imagine the terrible consequences if key players in spacecraft operations and scientific investigations were laid up fighting COVID-19. The obligations of mutual regard were not simply a good idea, or an ethically grounded strategy, or even a moment of obviously appropriate reciprocity. The obligations that everyone took the virus seriously during our long working days as well as the spaces we travelled outside the MSA had massive consequences to a mission that had taken nearly 20 years to reach this moment, shaped dozens of superstar careers, and consumed many million of dollars of investment.

Our behavior surrounding OSIRIS-REx was a microcosm of how the larger society might regard collective behavior for just about every other aspect of American life. Nobody likes the virus, but that doesn’t mean the virus cares what we think. If we can send a probe to collect a sample of the ancient solar system 200 million miles away, we can certainly figure out how to collect samples of saliva or snot here on Earth to determine who’s positive and who isn’t. We can certainly take steps to mitigate the spread of something that simply requires us to care about putting our shared daily lives—and our dreams for all sorts of future endeavors—back together again.

At the end of each long day, I climbed into my rental Chevrolet and sighed relief when I yanked my mask off and took a deep breath.  The short eight mile drive back to my hotel across an arrow straight stretch of golden American West lifted me every day. Sure, fires were burning out of control on the Colorado horizon, with smoke plumes rising elegantly into the sky; from my distant vantage, they pretended to be nothing more than unusually thick, luxurious clouds glinting orange and pink in the setting Colorado sun. The virus lurked, perhaps as close to me as the car one lane over on the highway; it never left my consciousness. There were no evening meals with team members, considering that we all needed to try and keep our distance whenever we could. Away from the MSA there were only sporadic moments of socialization, often outside, relatively brief, limited in proximity.  There was also exhaustion aplenty, with powerfully long days pursued at full speed, intense stretches of homework and show prep waiting for me at the little table in my hotel room, and the promise of much more to come with the sunrise as we got closer to the show. 

And with all this, the virus, the fires, the social distancing, the masks, the precautions, the pressure, the limited sleep, the thousand things to do and the million interpersonal nuances that needed careful care and attention, there’s only one thing to say about the whole adventure: it was glorious to be out in the world again. 

COVID-19 has caused more damage than just its medical ramifications. We are isolated from each other, skittish, agitated, tired…and you know this already. What the implications of all that will be, however, are hard to project. In our isolation, we are out of touch with each other. We are not reading faces and expressions as well—first, because we see fewer people these days, and second, because when we do see others, we’re looking at only their eyes peeking above their masks, and then often from uncomfortable distances.

“Alls well that ends well” is a weak ethical position, employed by half-hour sitcoms designed to exude artificial morality and stability in the world. The fact that everyone seemed to come away from the assignment without infection is hardly proof that everyone did the right thing.  “Alls well that ends well” is no way to mitigate the pandemic. Like a big, complicated, live broadcast, there is no way to succeed except to sweat the details, stay disciplined, roll with surprises, and keep on keepin’ on. 

Come to think of it, that’s the only way to successfully pursue a big interplanetary mission, too. What we do to pursue our boldest exploratory and scientific initiatives can serve as guidance about how to handle all sorts of tough things. 

I’m a media producer. I make things. I’m an artist first and foremost. The fact that I can translate science and engineering stories to mainstream audiences is beside the point: you definitely don’t want me on your flight team sending technical commands to your spacecraft. (“I’m not a flight controller, but I play one on TV.”) With OSIRIS-REx I was on a grand adventure—I enjoyed it immensely, to tell the truth—but I must report that the entire week simultaneously filled me with nagging dread. So many aspects of the careful discipline I had employed in preceding months were forced to yield to imperturbable necessities for producing and directing a complex, live show about an extraordinary scientific expedition. What fills me now, writing these words from my basement while I quarantine from my family, is an awareness that the OSIRIS-REx team demonstrated an equivalent discipline so they could keep their own mission on track despite the pandemic.  It is precisely the same level of discipline that enabled our production team to get its job done producing the story for a worldwide audience. 

My journey back to DC started with a crowded airport in Denver and continued with a packed airplane for more than three hours. I wasn’t happy. Now home, I’ll confess that prior to taking the gig in the first place, the pandemic made me woefully reluctant to say “yes”. That’s not natural for me; my instinct is to look at a mountain peak and imagine myself climbing up. To feel whole I don’t simply enjoy opportunities to mix with the world;  I require them. I need to see, to share, to experience things that influence me and that I can similarly influence. I need to taste and touch and hear and smell and even just consider new ideas as much as I need to sleep and eat and breathe. I need to make stuff. As a result, I’ll confess that this whole mission filled me like the waters of life. But even with the fading glow of extraordinary success, I cannot claim with certainty that it was a good choice. “Alls well that ends well” does not confer a badge of responsible decision-making. Life is complicated. 

Now…matters are worse. Infections rates are climbing like a rocket. The nation teeters on the brink of self-induced immolation, and I’m terribly blue about what portends for the future. But I’m also extremely lucky. I’m thankful. I realize the asymmetry of my life measured against the pain of so many others. OSIRIS-REx is a shining light in the darkness, a story of how dedicated teams can figure out ways to pull together and do extraordinary things despite obstacles. As I consider the coming winter season, a time I’ve often spent thinking about new productions, new projects, new strategies, I cannot help but keep in mind that the solar system continues to revolve around its golden star. Dreams about what’s possible and what we desire are the reasons we all get up to face each day. Actions are what we do to make those dreams come to life. 

@michaelstarobin

facebook.com/1auglobalmedia

AFTERWORD:

1) For more info about the OSIRIS-REx mission, including status updates about the spacecraft’s planned journey back to Earth, visit the project’s main site.

2) In 2007 I made a short film for NASA about the OSIRIS mission when it was in its early planning stages. (It didn’t have the “REx” component in its name at that time). It runs about seven minutes, and you can check it out here. The credits listed on the web page are somewhat incomplete. The credits in the film…are accurate. 😏

#science #exploration #OSIRIS #travel #live event #NASA #pandemic #COVID-19

[recentanimenews]

INTERVIEW: Keeping English Dubbing Alive In The Wake Of COVID-19

  With the state of emergency affecting the rate of production in Japan, the anime industry has taken steps to become operational once again, but under new safety guidelines. Part of those safety guidelines includes changing the setup for voice recordings. In Japan, voice actors will typically work in groups where they will all record an episode in the studio together, but that's not really an option right now in a COVID-19 world. Instead, Japanese voice actors have had to downsize when it comes to voice recordings, and are now recording multiple episodes one actor at a time. While this is a big change for the dubbing industry in Japan that will require some time to adjust to, this method of recording is actually the standard in the States. So, if Japanese voice actors are adjusting to the way English voice actors record anime, then how are English voice actors recording during the COVID-19 pandemic? The answer is ... remotely.

  Adapting To Remote Recordings

  At the time this article is written, other countries have slowly begun to open back up, however, some businesses and industries in the U.S. remain closed. Businesses like the dubbing industry have had to adapt to different methods in order to continue to operate. When it came time to conduct remote voiceover sessions, some voice actors found themselves ready — or at least somewhat ready. Like voice actress Faye Mata (Konosuba, The Rising of the Shield Hero). "I wasn't super prepared, but I had looked into recording remotely before we were all forced into that hikikomori (shut-in) life so I had a general idea of what I'd need. I guess it gave me a reason to finally take the leap." 

  Other voice actors, on the other hand, weren't as prepared for work-from-home life, as was the case for voice actress Laura Stahl (Welcome To Demon School Irumi-Kun, The Promised Neverland). "Oh, I was soooo not prepared!" says Stahl. "At the time I was working off of an 'all-in-one' monitor/computer, auditioning with a very basic USB mic. I had never had a remote record session before. Not to mention I didn't have the chance to go home and work on changing that situation for over a month into lockdown. I was staying with a friend for a little while. The whole thing was anxiety-inducing."

  Having to quickly adapt to the new workflow didn't just mean recording from home. It also meant voice actors having to create an environment in their living space that is optimal for voice overwork. Voice actor Chris Hackney, (Tower of God, Fire Emblem: Three Houses) explains, "When we had to stop going into studios, it was a mad dash to try and get a decent enough acoustic setup in my home so that I could hopefully be up to an acceptable standard to the studios."

Voice actors have the tough challenge of creating a space that could produce audio equivalent to that of audio produced in a sound studio. Depending on space and funds, for some actors that meant building/investing in a recording booth, for others, it meant soundproofing a space in their homes, such as closets! Voice actor Robbie Daymond, (Sailor Moon, The God of High School) took to Twitter to show fans a handcrafted recording booth complete with custom framework and ventilation system. 

  — Robbie Daymond (@robbiedaymond) August 10, 2020

  Mata explains, "I went through a breakup just before lockdown and went into full work mode, buying and upgrading my home studio and a streaming setup because I was determined to stay positive and be successful rather than stew in sad panda mode." In a YouTube video, Mata takes fans on a virtual tour of Porygon-Q, a prebuilt Studiobricks One Plus booth. "I used to record in my closet," says Mata. "But realizing how long we'd be out of studios, I didn't want to gamble anymore on neighbors taking random showers at like 4 PM (those SHHHHH water sounds are brutal). Also, I don't want them to think I'm murdering people all the time. My roommate has received texts from the neighbors asking if everything's alright because they heard screeching and yelling." Porygon-Q is equipped with various microphones for animation, video games, and commercials, "[Thick] squishy pads people stand on while washing dishes that genius moms probably invented so I don't get tired standing during long sessions, and a scented unlit candle so it always smells nice," explains Mata. 

    As previously mentioned, due to each actor's unique circumstance, every setup is different. "My recording space is in my bedroom," says Stahl. "I have a solid-state mini gaming pc mounted to the wall behind my desk, two monitors for ease of dubbing, carpets on the floor and foam on the ceiling to dampen noise — and I suppose the most unique thing about my space is that I ran a track in a U shape on my ceiling around my desk and hung sound blankets from them." This home studio sounds pretty original, and Stahl had a lot to think of when creating her space. "I considered using my closet, but it's not very large and would've been cramped and uncomfortable, which is a distraction for acting. I didn't want to use the common areas for ease of living for my housemates, and I didn't have an [exorbitant] amount of money or time to spend on something like a true booth. This seemed the most [efficient], and cost-effective solution."

  Creating a home space conducive for voice recordings was the first part of the remote recording process for actors. The next step would be working with studios on what is needed to conduct smooth recording sessions. Dubbing studios like Funimation gave fans a sneak peek into how they conduct their remote recordings with the release of My Hero Academia Episode 84. In a Twitter post, ADR director Colleen Clinkenbeard describes Funimation's remote process where special dub kits were sent to the cast. She also shows fans an iPad with the software to be used for the session which Clinkenbeard describes as a "mini little Pro Tools." When it comes time to actually record from home, "It gets easier the more you work with each production house," says Stahl. "They [studios] do each have their own particular way they want to do things — and the first session with a client since lockdown began is always a little nerve-wracking. Then you start to get into the groove of how you need to prepare for each session depending on who you're working with that day."

  — Funimation (@FUNimation) April 10, 2020

  SDI Media, the studio who dubbed DEVILMAN Crybaby, discusses workflow and tips for voice actors when setting up their recording space in a recently published article. With each studio taking a different approach, Chris Hackney finds that "Most studios are using some combination of Zoom/Skype/Etc to talk to me while I record and then there's various professional methods to stream the high-quality audio back to the studio. A bad Internet connection means you could also blow a perfect take, so it's a lot to think of. The other weird thing is sort of doing my own engineering, where I'll have to think 'Oh, this line is going to get kind of loud,' so I may have to manually control that so we don't blow a take. It's a brave new world for us all, but I'm happy to make it work." We can only imagine the extra level of difficulty added to each recording session now that voice actors need to become more cognizant of not only their performance but the technical results. While this must be difficult for the VAs, it does make sense seeing as everyone involved in the production of dubbing has to go the extra mile to continue to operate — including the audio engineers. "Bless the engineers right now," Hackney says. "Because they have the Herculean task of making all of us sound like we recorded in the same space."

  The Challenges Of Remote Recordings

Maybe you used to think recording anime voice-overs from your home seemed like a dream. But now we know it doesn't come without its challenges. Studios are specifically designed for conducting smooth and efficient recordings blocking out any and all noise from the outside, but every actor's remote space presents its own obstacles that need to be worked through. Dangers to a solid recording session can be cars passing by, aircrafts traveling overhead, unexpected maintenance work, or lawnmowers, just to name a few. For Chris Hackney, it's "Trash day and my kids! Myself — and I know many others — just don't have the kind of money or space to build something top-of-the-line like at a studio, so we're at the mercy of whatever the world has to throw at us. Trash day? Gotta wait for them to leave or schedule around it. My kids play a little too loud? Blown take. Everyone's doing their best to make this work, and I'm thankful for the patience."

    Remote recordings definitely present their fair share of challenges, but does working from home mean more work overall? "100 percent," says Mata. "As far as working in LA goes, eliminating the wait in traffic for two hours every session gave me more time in my day! ... to be even more of [a] workaholic." For others, the answer is a little more complicated because once again, every voice actor's situation is different. "Actually I try to limit how many sessions I put into a day, or at least space them out well because I share this living space," says Stahl. "I can't ask my roommates not to leave the house between the hours of 9-4 PM just because I live over the garage. Nor can I ask my roommate who works in the office by my room to whisper in all of his Zoom meetings and phone calls. And I don't want to leave my air conditioning off for 6-8 hours in August. I try to be [courteous] to my housemates."

  Is the Future of English Dubbing Remote?

With the prolonged closures, no one really knows when English dubbing will become fully operational at studios again. Because of the uncertainty surrounding the virus, and with actors and studios adjusting to this new way of dubbing, it begs the question if the dubbing industry will adopt remote recordings permanently. For Chris Hackney, the answer is, "Not at all. The current environment is a fine substitute for the time being, but having a studio full of talent and the creative team can't be beat."

But this doesn't mean all talent are anxious to get back in the studio. "I see a healthy mixture of both," says Mata. "Some people have been recording remotely for a long time. When the US gets its ship together and it's safe to record in the same studio again, that is honestly best for audio consistency as far as space + equipment goes ... but even then, it's possible to adapt." And Stahl? "I think it's going to be a mixture. I do think many projects will go back to in-person recording. But at the same time, the fact that many actors have improved their home setups for this situation widens the talent pool. If a show that's produced in LA really wants an actor who's living in Atlanta now — it's more feasible. Or perhaps, if there are some actors that wouldn't consider a supporting role because it may not be worth the commute from say the OC to Burbank to them — now maybe they can negotiate. Only time will tell."

  The COVID-19 virus has caused worry and disruption on a global scale. Many are unsure when things will return to normal, and even when they do, will businesses continue to operate under the safety guidelines implemented during the pandemic, or will they try to return to the same workflow as once before? As Stahl said, "Only time will tell." But until then, great job to all the voice actors, studio staff, and recording engineers who are working hard to keep bringing anime to the fans!

What are your thoughts on the English dubbing industry's remote recording process? Let us know in the comments!

      To keep up with their work, you can follow Laura Stahl, Chris Hackney, and Faye Mata on social media. 

  Pro hero Veronica Valencia is an anime-loving hot sauce enthusiast! You can follow more of her work as a host, writer, and producer on Twitter and Instagram.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: [email protected]

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

[kohiimakesmehappy]

Day 17

Hello... Long time... no see ha. I’m back again approximately 1 year after my last post back when I was back on campus for graduation. Boy, have things taken a turn for the unexpected since then.  For starters, our world is in the midst of a global pandemic... surprise! I wish I were kidding, but COVID-19 has truly affected everyone in the world in countless ways. In my case, I was supposed to finish off February in the Ireland office with two weeks in London, Porto, and Seville, aka my first time ever exploring Europe. Unfortunately, the world had different plans for me, and my Europe adventures are going to have to wait. With that, I ended up flying home to Las Vegas to attend 외할아버지’s funeral, and then I stayed in California for a whole four months. During those four months, I started my new marketing rotation, experienced home life again with home-cooked meals and familial bickering, watched one too many tarot card readings, ventured into working out, finished Persona 5 in its entirety, and had a good number of existential crises. It was only after I found out that my roommate had been going through my room and using my stuff that I finally booked my ticket back to Boston (that is a whole otherrr story, but I won’t get into that here).  Had the global pandemic not struck, I probably would’ve been able to explore Europe as planned with some nice pictures as proof, gone back to Boston and maybe begun a romance with the guy I was talking to right before I left (who most recently left me on read and am now over), and maybe not have gained the home-cooked meal pounds that I like to blame 엄마 for. In the moment, it seemed like I was missing out on so much, but looking back at that time in retrospect, I wonder if it really was such a big deal that I missed out on those things. In return, I was able to spend (a tad bit too much) quality time with my whole family, I stayed safe and well-fed during the beginning of the pandemic, and I was still able to keep in touch with my friends through online messaging/video just fine. At the end of the day, I definitely can see that my anxiety over feeling unproductive was what affected my mood so drastically.  Fast forward to present day, August 22nd (about a month and a half since coming back to Boston), and already a lot of things have occurred to make up for the lack of movement from March-July. I guess my anxiety caused by unproductiveness really kicked into gear here. I ended up confronting my roommate about her ... actions lol... but per 아빠's request didn’t ask for any compensation from her (you know, in case she’s crazy). I was able to hang out with HubSpot friends and Sciarappa friends again! I got a fricken cat!!!! Her name is Nari, and she has a calico coat, and she is officially the sweetest thing ever. I’m still figuring out how to work with her, but at her core, I couldn’t have asked for a better 개냥이~. Lastly, I went on two Hinge dates and actually got a boyfriend out of one of them hahaha absolutely absurd. I’ve already written out the details of these two guys in my journal, so I’ll move onto some other things I’ve been thinking about. My new boyfriend’s name is Ji(hoon), and he is super sweet and kind. Really cute too, in case I didn’t mention. Most importantly, I feel really comfortable with him to the point I feel like I can talk about anything. We moved pretty quickly into being official (to be exact, after maybe 4 dates?), but it really did just feel natural and that we were on the same page. We had our first date ever on July 21st and dated for a little over 2 weeks, then as of yesterday, we’ve been dating officially for 2 weeks. Things have been really great so far, but just this week we hit a little bump. He recently heard some pretty bad news about his friend back in Kenya, so we ended up canceling our plans. I wanted to do my best to give him the space he needed and wait for him to come when he felt ready, which he did do and I really appreciated. We called the next day, and it was nice to talk a little bit about how he was feeling, and then to just talk about nonsense to get his mind off of things. During the call, we made plans to hang out one more time before Sunday, but because he ended up going out to drink with his friends and get his mind off things, he ended up asking to cancel today too. My initial reaction was annoyance at having another plan get canceled because I had been looking forward to seeing him again, I’m not a fan of uncertainty in my day-to-day, and I usually am one to stick to my commitments as a sign of common courtesy to the other person. I think I also felt a bit of trauma from the past, when I had a single place I really wanted to go with my last BF and when we just ended up not going, it felt as if my plans weren’t a priority for him.  In this moment though, I took a step back to try and think about things in Ji’s perspective. He had just heard some terrible news and wanted to get his mind off of it, and he doesn’t want to spend time with me when he isn’t invested or focused in the moment. With the plans getting canceled, those were side effects of unexpected news and his grieving process. So looking at things through this lens, I completely understand where he was coming from. When I tried to look at things from my lens, I couldn’t deny that I didn’t want to just let my feelings go completely unheard in the fear that I’d let it pile up and explode some day. In this relationship, I really want to make a conscious effort to communicate and be open, even if that means getting into uncomfortable situations or arguments. I was always scared of this in my past relationships, which may have prevented us from ever getting past the initial honeymoon phase into deeper intimacy and stability, but with Ji, I’m feel more ready to take this plunge. In the end, I told him how I was feeling in a more constructive way, and I was happy that he seemed open to hearing these kinds of comments rather than being defensive. Taking this step was not only big for my romantic relationship, but also for my relationships with friends, work, and beyond. Now that the moment has passed, my notorious inability to hold grudges has kicked in and I now can’t feel the same amount of frustration as I did just a couple hours ago. I’m really proud of myself though for being able to step back, reassess the situation, and act in the way most true to myself. Here’s to further personal development through this new relationship, learning how I am as a person currently and what that means for the future me. Also, I hope that the next time I write, COVID-19 is under somewhat better control/is over lol.

[ah17hh]

Spilling most of the tea: Am I wrong for asking my bf to have healthier boundaries with his other gf? (With a novel of background information.) via /r/polyamory

Spilling most of the tea: Am I wrong for asking my bf to have healthier boundaries with his other gf? (With a novel of background information.)

I think I’m asking for my bf to set healthy boundaries with his other gf, but I feel like I’m crazy sometimes for like demanding that? I know I did bad by giving him an ultimatum—either she respects healthy boundaries or I can’t be in this relationship—but I wanted him to know it was fixable? And even if we break up, I still love him and care about him, she should still respect him and try not to control him, right? Whether he’s my bf or not, he deserves to be treated better.

And that’s the closest to a TL;DR I can get. Because it’s gonna get long.

So, I’m gonna go back to the beginning, and that’s part of why it’s long.

B (my current bf) and E (his “anchor” nesting partner) dated monogamously for 6 years or so, when something happened and they split. He moved out. They still hung out, and things were good—I’ve heard from both of them, their separated time was good, they miss how things were then, etc. Because they did things together still. Just not as a couple. And during that time, their mutual friend introduced B to the concept of polyamory (as she was poly herself) and he liked it, it resonated with him, and I think he and I view it in much the same way. But then he and E got back together with this new caveat, and E agreed to work on being okay with it, but be patient.

I met B in December and we hit it off, we’re both poly, we both have nesting partners who don’t really care to know about other partners, we both have a much higher sex drive than our partners. We also like video games and stuff, lots in common. And we’re super cheesy. We started dating. In January, an ex started talking to him, and said she could accept the poly thing if E was his only girlfriend and he promptly dumped me. We were already close, it stung, how could I matter so little? Two days later, both his other girlfriend and he begged me to take him back, he’d made this big terrible mistake. And I knew I was making a bad decision going back. But moving forward... We had a threeway chat, B, E, and me. So I couldn’t be left in the dark and surprised by something like that again. And I thought things were better. They were, really. We had open communication. E and I were very friendly. The three of us went to the bar B and I had become regulars in, and enjoyed ourselves. We had this cute moment, and things felt good. Solid.

Then the pandemic hit, and I remember bars all closed March 17, because it was St Paddy’s Day and I wanted to go out, but I had made the decision not to go out because it wasn’t safe, about two hours or something before they announced everything would be closed, so my good decision didn’t even matter. And at that point I hadn’t seen B in a couple of weeks I think, for one reason or another. Probably E-related, because it’s a common theme, but let’s not make that assumption because I don’t remember.

And we played Animal Crossing together when it came out, and it helped a bit! We had like two cheesy dates, B and me on one of our islands, but we had a group chat for Animal Crossing, and it was usually a group thing. Well, B flirts with S from the group. I’m a bit put off because of the thing from January and he specifically hid that he was DMing this monogamous chick who had a boyfriend. Nothing terribly dirty (as far as I’m aware), but it stirred up feelings, and E told me about it and we both came to him with it, and he agreed it would stop, it’s too soon, because we’re trying to feel secure and stuff. He fucked up, it hurt us both, we’re in a pandemic, we don’t want drama with her mono bf, can you cool it with her? And he also agreed not to chat up other women until we’ve regained some trust and normalcy. And E was sort of running that decision, she was far more uncomfortable with him talking to other women than I was—I just was afraid that a new chick would cut down on our already very limited time together that was exclusively online, already. Which probably wasn’t fair, and I should’ve communicated that better. Reassurance and whatnot would’ve helped that more than letting her say “you can’t chat up other women until I’m ready.” But he had two hot girlfriends, yknow, how terrible is it to just have that for a little while? I excused it and supported it.

And at some point it had been more than two months since I’d seen him. And I’m an extrovert—this stay at home bullshit has killed me. Like I didn’t think I would (and I still worry I won’t) physically make it through it and be living at the end, and I was more scared of my mental health than the virus. He wanted to come see me, he felt helpless to help me, and I was trying to hide the worst of it. I asked for phone calls/video game streaming. Because it would be time together. It didn’t have to be one on one time, I stressed that. I just wanted to hear him and have fun with him, because all we had were “I miss you”s and “I love you”s in text for two months... And I was met with resistance, but not from him. E would complain when we made plans to call. And the first time that we actually got to do it she wouldn’t let us have the video game AND a call because “nobody wants to hear that.” Like. I wanted innocent KH3 playing and laughing and stuff. I was not going to masturbate in his ear or something. While sexual frustration was a big problem for me, it wasn’t the most pressing. I just wanted time with him. And then we’ve gotten to Share Play KH3 on PS4 while in call a few times, if you know what that means. We got to talk to each other with his friends in the party call thing a few times, while he played a cute game for me. But... in let’s say 3 months? We’ve gotten to do it maybe 4 times? Maybe 5? Because E kept getting upset that B made any kind of plans, even if they didn’t have any plans, because neither of them was working or anything.

And eventually we decided that because they were both out of work, and only went to the grocery store and drive thrus, and I don’t work, and I had a similar lowish risk, B and I decided to bring the concept of visiting to E. Like, it’s been three months since we’ve seen each other. It was early/mid June, I think. Pandemic time is hard. Or a bit earlier when we brought it up. But I don’t think he came to see me until June because when we brought it up... she expressed anxiety. And that’s valid. But at the time we were discussing it, people were still at public parks without masks in groups, and it was allowed. And most things were still closed, restaurants included. If I went out, I stayed in my car. I did not feel comfortable getting out of my car at the park because of the sheer number of people out without masks. And one of the first things E brought up was “well, I know you guys will want to go to a hotel room and it’s not safe”... well, actually, the internet (at the time) suggests that it’s low risk, and I’ll wipe everything down with my fancy industrial wipes before we touch anything. Then she suggests we go to the park and hang out outside with masks on until we get to like a picnic blanket or something. And at the time, parks were not safe because people are stupid and out and about with masks. And the internet did not say anything about open air being much safer at this point in time. And when I brought up the concept of being uncomfortable on the ground, uncomfortable in a mask, uncomfortable being around groups of people, I was being problematic and uncompromising. But I showed her multiple places online where hotels were fairly safe/low risk, because they increased their cleaning and disinfecting and left rooms empty for a certain amount of time in between guests or something. I don’t remember now.

And in I think May, I drove my best friend an hour away to the big city that B and E live right next to. I asked if I could stop and see him, we could keep social distancing rules if they wanted. And we’d try to jump his car, which had a dead battery for a few days (which made him feel trapped because he had to wait on E to be ready to go anywhere). And in the morning, E was still fine with it. When my best friend had his life saving meds in hand and our errand was finished, we drove in their general direction and waited in a grocery store parking lot (I still didn’t have their address; I hadn’t ever been there before). E then suddenly wasn’t sure. And then she declared that she and B have to run to B’s dad’s house RIGHT NOW, for weed. Okay, yknow, we had plans, but okay... My friend and I waited a couple hours in my hot ass car because we weren’t going in anywhere. Pandemic. I had to pee, but the grocery store was too busy for me to even consider that. I held it. But then they were back and fine, but E was staying inside the house because she’s upset again. So I saw B, 6 feet or more away from me, and we tried to sort out his car, and I ended up sobbing on the way home, because I didn’t realize how much it was weighing on me, not seeing him. I saw him in one piece and the relief I felt was overwhelming. He was okay. We’d be okay. And my best friend is amazing, honestly. He’s supportive and he hears my tea, and he’s not poly (but he’s been in poly relationships, just come to the conclusion it’s not for him), but he appreciates the dynamic. And he’s generally supportive, even if I can tell he thinks I’m making a stupid decision like I did in January.

Eventually in June, he did come up and E and I were still friendly. Example A. We were gifting each other silly things. E and I talked to each other more than either of us talked to B, some days. Not intentionally like ignoring him or anything, we were just chatty. Like swapping recipes and shit. Yknow. But he came up a couple of times to the hotel we used to use.

I know at some point I mentioned to him, that because I was seeing him again, things felt regular, that I didn’t mind if he talked to other women, but he’d have to make sure E was on the same page.

And then they went to a risky af beach. E decided they were going to this beach in I think Delaware that had had 100 or so positive cases over the weekend. They went like I think it was a Monday. The Monday after they had had 100 positive cases. She had noooo trouble with her anxiety. He didn’t even seem like he wanted to go, but for E, of course he’d go. She had no anxiety about walking up and down the Boardwalk and going into little shops for like glassware and stuff. Like she was happy and excited to do it, even knowing about the recent confirmed cases. Which bothered me a bit? But I kept my mouth pretty shut (except to spill tea to my best friend, naturally).

So I had a friend invite me to go tubing at the very end of June, and I was falling apart again. I RSVP’ed going, I found a tube, and I shared my worries (I hadn’t ever gone before) with my bf (and other people) and we talked about tubing, and E mentioned she’d gone before and we talked about it. But our (we all know the guy from the bar) friend (let’s say Y), Y invited me tubing, which is how the convo came up. (And for the judgy “it’s a pandemic!” people who will invariably pop up, it was the riskiest thing I’ve done, but it was in open air and I put coolers on either side of me: I kept social distancing rules pretty well.)

And I loved it! I loved floating down the river without a care in the world. I couldn’t be on my phone, I couldn’t be playing therapist for anyone, I couldn’t be something to someone while I was on the river, because I made sure anyone who might need me knew I was busy/hard to reach all day. The only things on my plate for hours were “throw me a beer!” and “ooh I hit my butt on a rock!” It was freeing and lazy and wonderful. And I bought my own tubes, and I wanted to go again. My husband doesn’t like people or the outdoors much, but I invited everyone else I had exposed myself to during the pandemic, pretty much just my partners and my best friend. And I was excited! I wanted to share this new experience. I’m still excited. I still love it.

But so we talked about tubing more and I kept inviting them tubing, trying to make plans, and honestly, it doesn’t matter what kind of plans I try to make, either with just B or with both of them, E finds an excuse. And part of it is, E doesn’t want B to go tubing with anyone but her the first time he goes because she’s been trying to get him to go for years, apparently, and there was one time he had to cancel because he was working a warehouse job and he was just exhausted. So let’s all go, I’m not stealing the first time, I just want to go, and my husband wisely told me I’m not allowed to go by myself because dying is against our poly rules (playfully). And every time I invited both, she found an excuse. Even when her grandmother went away for a week. There’s always something, and it usually sounds like something that can 100% be moved around a little.

And then E had a first date with a guy a couple weeks ago. So July. And she ended up bringing him home, politely asking B to not be there. Politely, he swears. And he agreed and went and hung out at a pizza shop. And she had another date with that guy this past Thursday, and we said why doesn’t B just come visit me that day then. And we planned for it. Now, they both knew what my week looked like—my Sunday tubing plans were cancelled to take care of my cuddle buddy because his cat wasn’t doing well and he needed support. My Monday and Tuesday were rough, and Tuesday night I was falling apart, my brain wasn’t being kind to me. And B knew I’d recently been triggered very badly, like past trauma stuff, and I wasn’t right from that, and he was supportive and reassuring, and I needed that, it helped but obviously didn’t fix me up. But he also told me that we couldn’t go tubing because E said she had to be first. And that upset me a bit, but I accepted it. Wednesday was D&D. And I was talking to another partner about being bummed about it, and they asked me why B’s other girlfriend was controlling what we do when we’re together and.. I had no answer. So I went to B like, hey, I’ve noticed this pattern and it’s actually bothering me a lot, I need you to sit down and have a conversation about healthy boundaries. Like. This isn’t okay, I feel controlled by someone I’m not dating... And he basically said “I brought it up and she said no” I think. And I .. got upset. I saw red. I don’t matter enough to.. talk about healthy boundaries? Like. I guess I wasn’t very specific, but I know I brought up her feelings and how we do tiptoe around them all the time. And when I got upset he basically said “I’m not talking to you right now.” And he turned off his phone. I don’t DO the silent treatment. If you can’t talk to me like a grownup, I can’t have a relationship with you.

We had this big blowup, I threw it in her face that she’s allowed to fuck someone else in their bed but he isn’t allowed to see his girlfriend and just go do things with me. Every activity has to be run by her. And we are ruled by E’s feelings and mood. And I was not polite. And I ended up having him call me, ready to tell him we were done, because of the silent treatment thing over something that needs talking about. And I didn’t, I melted, I love him, but in that phone call, I started with one example where her feelings controlled what we did or were allowed or not allowed to do and another one and another one until I had like ten examples... They just kept flowing. And he was like “yeah, you have a point.” And he agreed to go talk about it again.

He texted me a couple hours later to tell me that I was wrong, she doesn’t control him, or me for that matter. And he accused me of gaslighting him. And I’m like “hold up. I told you things that YOU told me. I just repeated back to you exactly what you’ve been venting to me about for months!” And I restated the things I said on the phone. And he was like wait a second. And he admitted shit wasn’t healthy between them. He brought up that period of time when they weren’t dating, how nice it was.

And he came to visit Thursday. I originally told him Wednesday I didn’t know if I wanted to see him, after all the crap, but the more I thought about it, the more sure I was that because I raised a stink about her controlling him, she’s not going to LET him see me again for a while... so I said please do come. And I was glad to see him.

And we’ve been fairly light for a couple of days, but it came up again Saturday while I was getting ready to go tubing again. And I told him a bit more in depth about my mother and how she’s a narcissist, while sitting on the riverbank. I shared how she gaslit me and manipulated me on the daily by using her feelings to guilt me and my feelings to shame me or shove me into something. She loved making me feel crazy. She’d do something and then deny it, and I’m like “I was here, I watched you do it.” But she’d tell me to stop lying until I believed her sometimes. I explained that I have a bad memory and I can’t always remember details or examples of things, and I hate it because it was constantly used against me. And I still have a bad memory, worse so since I hit my head and had a bad concussion when I was 20. And I told him how we stopped talking for a bit and she sucked me back in by showing me what could be, false promises and fake affection. And when I let her back in, it was exactly that. I explained that narcissists do that. They’ll act nice to get you back under their thumb. And then they’ll eventually start their shit again. There are subreddits dedicated to victims of this, and I told him where to look. He said he doesn’t think she’s a narcissist (and dear god I hope not) but then I pointed out her grandmother. And I explained “fleas” (the bad behaviors we pick up from being around them so long). And maybe she just has some metaphorical fleas. But if he doesn’t get her to see there’s a problem, she isn’t going to work on herself or their relationship. Relationships take work and communication. If you aren’t willing to do either, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. And if he can’t set boundaries with her, I can’t stay in our relationship, because theirs is affecting ours, and I’ve hit a wall... and I wrote this long thing and I sent it to him, and asked if it was acceptable to send to her (because he brought up that if I message her ANYTHING right now it’ll ruin his whole day because she’ll be upset). He didn’t answer on that yet. He’s had 3 days.

So, I can’t have it just be “oh I’m pissy because things that aren’t true”... I do still think something needs to give. I do cater to other people’s feelings a lot, and I try to keep mine small for other people. And it bothers me a lot, that, it absolutely still feels like we’re tiptoeing around E’s feelings, always. And it doesn’t feel like there are healthy boundaries, and I don’t think I would’ve gotten upset like I did if there were healthy boundaries. I am sorry I got so irrationally angry and upset, and I was really unkind and I’m sorry I called either of you a name. That was uncalled for.

It’s not just about tubing, but it also is. Like. First, I didn’t want to go tubing because E brought up tubing. I didn’t remember that she did. I wanted to go tubing because Y invited me to go tubing. I went tubing because Y invited me tubing. I want to go tubing because I liked how I felt when I went tubing with Y and his group. I get that wanting to be there for the first time is a thing, because he shrugged it off before. How many times have I invited you guys both tubing? There was plenty of opportunity for it to be a group thing. So it feels childish for E to be upset that I want to go too? I literally can’t understand it. It was all I wanted. And not even because “with B,” necessarily, which y’all know, because I invited just E, I harassed at least a dozen people to go with me. Tubing makes me feel free of responsibility for a few hours. I feel like nothing matters in a good way. I’m on the river, nobody can need me right now, I’m helpless to help anyone. I feel weirdly free. And I wanted to share that feeling. I literally don’t care if it’s the first time or the hundredth time. And the concept that E needs to own the first time, it bothers me a lot? Because what else does she “own”? I asked B if I could take him to see Sonic when it was in theaters... it was a no, because E wants to go. How many other things (that don’t directly affect anyone else) am I not allowed to do with a person I’m dating because of someone who isn’t in my relationship with that person? That control feels .. shitty.

And yknow it’s not always “E said I can’t,” it’s almost always “E would be upset if.” And maybe it’s not an intentional thing, but E’s feelings always run the show, and my feelings never seem to matter and it keeps coming back to this, doesn’t it? Like she’s the primary, the anchor, the nesting parter... so’s <my husband>, for me. And he doesn’t let his sad feels keep me from activities like tubing or movies or D&D or...

And <my best friend> brought up another point last night. I brought up how E decides things? Like how it had to be right THEN that you guys visit B’s dad for weed? Do you not remember the early pandemic stuff? We couldn’t call each other without a “nobody wants to hear that.” (Innocent KH3 steaming with a call..?) It was a flippant comment, sure, but like... wow. We couldn’t see each other because E’s anxiety, and to a point that was fine. But then it was... where it was allowed. A hotel? Low risk, not allowed. E said it wasn’t allowed, it made her anxious, so naturally we couldn’t do that. But the park where things are uncomfortable, there’s more people, no masks, higher risk of virus, zero possibility of nudity, she was okay with that. With higher virus risk. And right, the dad/weed thing. Remember when <my best friend> and I were in Philly for his thing and E was waffling on whether we could see each other or not? When I was already around the corner. And then suddenly “E said we have to go to my dad’s right now for weed” as in, B couldn’t see me for five minutes and then go, even though I was literally around the corner. <my best friend> was with me for that. He reminded ME about that.

It feels a lot like E’s feelings run the show. Intentional or not. If it was “E is upset by this, I need to give her more reassurance,” that’s how I feel that should go. And I still want an unbiased outside view (a poly for 25+ years life coach who does Zoom sessions) because maybe I’m wrong! But “E is upset by this, so I can’t do this with you.” Sounds unhealthy and controlling, even if it isn’t intentional. Maybe it’s B shoving that, because he’s putting E’s feelings on a pedestal? Which, he has done, he assumes E’s feelings sometimes, we’ve all talked about it, he assumes sometimes that she’ll never be okay with XYZ, and we’ve come back at him like “give her a chance!” Which, still agree. And if it’s that, let’s work on that. If it’s needing a healthier boundary like what “this would upset E” means, let’s work on that. And I have examples of how I think I’ve handled that sort of thing in a healthier way.

<husband> was upset when I went to <kink convention> last year. Did I just not go? No. I went. I reassured him, I compromised (he picked me up a day and a half before the event was over), and we discussed it, but he did not ever make me feel like I CAN’T go. He was worried about money too, which is fair. But it also wasn’t costing us because I went with friends who didn’t mind me sharing a bed they had empty and I volunteered.

<husband> is upset when I’m not home when he’s getting ready for work. When I started doing that regularly on D&D nights, we sat and talked about it, and yeah, he’s not happy with it, but he understands that D&D is important to me, and I still make sure he’s okay, and he has what he needs before I go.

I was upset when he saw <husband’s new chick> 3 times in 4 days. Did I stop him from seeing her? No. If he had asked to see her a fourth time? We would’ve talked about that too. It upset me, yeah. I had feelings. I did not let my feelings dictate where he is and isn’t allowed to go or who he is or isn’t allowed to see or what they’re allowed to do together (except where it could directly affect me, like safe sex and not having guests at home, which with both agreed to). I asked for reassurance. I got reassurance. Not even just from <husband>, but from B too. I have a support system, and you guys do, too, you have friends, each other, me... I wouldn’t be so upset if y’all didn’t matter to me.

Can you guys acknowledge that I have a valid point or two and that my feelings are valid? Because sometimes I feel like some halfass person he’s allowed to see when E permits, when she’s feeling generous sometimes, and that’s not a good feeling for me, feeling like someone I’m not in a relationship with dictates exactly what I can and can’t do when it does not actually affect them.

I’m at a point where if they can’t find healthy boundaries soon and at least TRY to keep them, I can’t stay in a relationship with him, and I’ve made that very clear. He says he wants us both in his life. Am I wrong? Like I’m sure I’ve been wrong at some points but... am I wrong to ask him to work on making his primary relationship healthier? Am I shoving myself in where I shouldn’t be? Because if we were just friends and I noticed how she controls him, I’d probably still be telling him he deserves better treatment than that.

I know at some point I also begged for “therapy,” in the form of a local life coach who’s been poly for 20+ years or something who does Zoom calls and said they would help moderate things and such. And E was originally on board, but it didn’t happen. Now E says (to B) that she’ll never do it because all I want is to have someone tell me I’m right. And that’s not why I want it... I want an unbiased person to tell me how we can make this work better for all of us. How this can be healthy. And I want ALL of us to hear it, not just me. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, and I’ll apologize and try to do better. If I can’t handle it, I’ll just see myself out.

I want to point out that I have not and will not suggest to him to end his relationship with her. That’s his business. I’m not trying to split them up, at all. I’m asking him to work on what’s there, because he’s being treated unfairly. If anyone’s splitting, it’s me. I’ll rip a chunk of my heart out to save my brain if I have to. The concept that these are examples I CAN remember makes me wonder how many I’m forgetting because my brain doesn’t remember things well.

Submitted August 02, 2020 at 10:46AM by fleetingfirework via reddit https://ift.tt/3go6GnJ

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