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#suicidal ideation ment
missmisdemeanor · 8 months
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use a photo on your phone camera roll and write a quick scene/hc for it
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A mouthful of dirt, a bloody-knuckled punch, and a fierce kiss are all the same if Sam tilts his head just so, lining up the lenses and peering through them with a squinted eye. Dean's anger is devotion the same way his mothering is. If Dean's angry, it means he's feeling something. Nothing stings worse than silence.
Dean's going to hell, and it's clear to everyone but himself just how much he's given up. Sam had brought him hell the day prior, screaming, asking him why he's not pissed, why he's not scared, and why the fuck he'd do this to Sam in the first place. He'd insisted, lungs raw, that Dean should've just let him die. He expected something, anything. Dean had always been touchy about Sam's death, about his wish to part with his body and the evil that lived in it. Nothing came. Dean had laid down in his motel bed and pulled the covers over his head with finality.
Sam sees him sleeping now, watching the covers shift subtly with his breaths and imagining them very still instead. He's tempted to go outside and bash his hand against the wall, scraping against brick until the skin tears. He's tempted to run that hand through the earth and feed himself the ground, until he's stuffed and violently ill, until he's dug a hole deep enough for a grave. He's tempted to kiss Dean's sleeping body, remind him why Sam needs him, alive.
I'll fill with dirt for you, he pleads silently, I'll be the worm-eaten carcass. Let me take your place.
Sam sits on the edge of the bed instead. "Hey," he whispers. Dean mumbles nonsense in his sleep. "You wanted me back so bad and you won't even touch me. Jerk." It's an attempt to be light and it comes out like someone else is piloting his body. All wrong. Sam chuckles to himself at that, dry and humourless.
"I don't know who I am without you," he whispers, unsettled by how true it feels, the way every word sits in his bones. "Don't give up, Dean. Please."
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bipolarsamwinchester · 8 months
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just watched nimona and honestly it’s kinda bs how many people talk about ballister/goldenheart over nimona. like yeah ballisters wet and pathetic and they’re disaster gays yeah whatever. nimona is what desperately lonely, closeted and suicidal teenage me needed more than anything, and it is genuinely annoying that this gorgeous, groundbreaking story about the rot of generational hatred and the message of trans positivity and acceptance is being turned into “haha poor little meow meow” and “oh the gays”
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antia-calviz · 1 year
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since yesterday was mental health awareness day i want to maybe ? share something on here.
its been almost a year since i graduated college and this whole year ive been super burnt out and depressed without really knowing why, thats why i havent posted a lot lately (or at all for that matter).
tmi maybe but this year i moved out of my parents house to a new city, started my first real job, started a new commited relationship, and decided to seek therapy for the first time bc of suic*dal ideation and ongoing depression and anxiety. i never thought healing and change would be easy, but it really took a toll on me in a way i didnt expect.
even though i love my job, turning my most beloved hobby into a career also had consequences i didnt forsee. aka, my job sucking out all the joy i got from making art. everything has been taking so much effort and energy, i feared i wouldnt be able to imagine or create or feel inspired ever again (a reason why some of your commissions have taken a lot of time, again thanks for the patience).
and after all the doubt and crises and frustration, today, for the first time in months, i felt an urge to create. im slowly regaining that childlike enthusiasm i used to get from drawing, my spark and my imagination are coming back. im slowly feeling like myself again.
i guess what i want to say is thank you for sticking around during this period of moderate inactivity. if youre reading this and you're struggling please try to be kind and patient with yourself. im not a health professional of any kind but if anyone ever needed to rant or let out some steam or just want somebody to listen, feel free to msg me. you are not alone.
sending you all a big warm hug
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cu-taibhseil · 1 year
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i just had a coworker scold me for talking to the girl who works in flooring in front of everyone else while we were getting our carts put together for the day. and in case you're wondering i overcame some pretty intense thoughts of suicide over the weekend and now im wondering if i made a mistake. i am so sick of feeling like a bother to people. if i was dead i wouldnt be a bother anymore :-)
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jankwritten · 2 months
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Jasico Bingo Challenge: love letter
A sheet of paper, folded into thirds, dotted in places with what must be water and grass stains. The handwriting is legible in some places, and shaky in others. In the margins are small doodles of birds, clouds, trees, and other miscellaneous, abstract shapes, as if the writer’s mind kept wandering. 
TO: Nico di Angelo 
FROM: Jason Grace 
Hey, Nico. If you’re reading this, something probably happened to me. Maybe I hit my head again and lost my memories, or something, and you went through my stuff to try and find things to remind me of who I was. Maybe this fell out while we were hanging out, one day, and you saw it was addressed to you and you picked it up. Maybe I died—
However you found this, I guess, surprise! :) 
First thing’s first: I’m sorry for leaving. I know I begged you to stay, and then turned around and left, and I really hope you understand - I didn’t leave because of you. I needed to find Leo, and leaving with Piper was the easiest way to do that. I had to try and get him back. 
I wanted you to come with, but you were still healing and things were going really well with you and Will. I hope things still are, in fact. Wherever I am, I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come, and how much I’m sure you continued to grow even after I left. 
I really love you, man. I never got to tell you that, but you’re one of my best, closest friends. You mean so much to me. You showed me a side of the world that I never would’ve seen otherwise, and gave me a space to be myself, and I will never, ever know how I deserved that. How I deserve you. 
Is that out of left field? Haha it definitely is. Sorry. 
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Nico. I didn’t want to leave. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry I had to go and I’m sorry it had to be me, but it couldn’t be her, Nico, it can’t be her, it can’t be. It has to be me. 
It has to be. 
Here, some of the words are smeared from the water marks. Lines cross through some words that have then been re-written, as if in after-thought the author realized they were too important to delete. 
If you really are reading this, after the worst case scenario, I understand if you’re angry. I understand if you never want to think about me again, after what I’ve done. I’ll understand if you storm to your father’s palace and demand I be placed in the worst of the worst punishments for being so stupid. 
Gods. Gods, Nico, I’m never going to get to tell you how I really feel. About all of this, about everything I’m going through, I’m never going to be able to tell you and that hurts. It hurts more than knowing I’m going to die, it hurts more than getting stabbed and poisoned. I’m going to die loving you and you won’t even know until it’s too late. 
Maybe this is a stupid bad idea. Maybe I should let it die with me. Is it cruel, to tell you how I feel if I’m gone? Does this make me an awful person? 
Shit. I think I’m an awful person, Nico. I’m awful and I’m selfish and I can never choose things for myself, it always has to be for the greater good, so this is it. This is as selfish as I can be. This is all I can be for you. 
I want to see you on the other side. I want you to punch me for getting myself killed and hate me for being a hero and I want you to know that I didn’t want this but it needed to be me. It has to be me. 
I’m still wrapping my head around it, but it has to be me, okay? So if I’m really gone when you’re reading this, okay, you have to let me stay gone. Please. If you get hurt, if you die, and it’s my fault, I could never— 
Here, the letter abruptly stops. Then, it continues: 
That’s all I wanted to say, anyway. That I love you. I love you in any way I can, and even if I’ve done it silently, and stupidly, from a distance, just know that it was there, the whole time. It’s still there, wherever I am. Dead, or lost, or whatever. I love you, Nico. I’m sorry.
-- Jason Grace :)
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tittiedshrek · 3 months
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God, as a person who HAS been hospitalized before for attempting suicide, just seeing James randomly traumadump on his fucking audience to gain sympathy pisses me off to no end. I am not doubting that he has attempted or insinuating that he is lying - that is fucking gross first of all and secondly, I can understand that being the weekly "internet villian of the week" can come with harassment. Perhaps even worse harassment because he is gay and a member of a historically marginalized community. At the same time, it is EQUALLY as gross to use your attempt as a way to garner sympathy when you get called out for problematic behavior. It's manipulative, cheapens the topic, and makes everyone else who has struggled like myself look like selfish attention seekers.
I can understand that someone can feel so guilty/sad about what they have done that they can resort to self-harm, but that is a personal problem that needs to be dealt with OUTSIDE of the internet in therapy. It's not the fault of your audience, Nick, Hbomberguy, Kat, etc. that you ended up in the hospital, and it is irresponsible as a creator to have that be the FIRST thing you talk about in your "apology" video and have that hang over their heads. You can't say that you're not trying to make this into a sob story, then take advantage of your audience's parasocial relationship with you to make them feel bad for being disappointed in you.
I don't want James to die, I really don't. No one deserves to find themselves in such a state of mind, and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I do, however, want him to stay off the internet completely until he recognizes the harm he has caused to the LGBTQIA+ community and he gets in a better headspace so that he can actually make amends to everyone he has stolen from and hurt.
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transmasccofee · 9 months
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TW FOR MENTION OF SUICIDE //
ok so i may have misinterpreted the line and i also may be projecting a little but does anyone remember that bit in one of the episodes where saiki is describing his morning routine and says (paraphrased) “i wake up and the first thing i hear is everyones thoughts at once, and wish i could go back to sleep and never wake up”. cause. :( im not surpised if that’s really what he meant but it just adds another layer of pain to this guy
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I regularly feel like a failure. I hate myself a lot.
In four whole hours, I only wrote 66 words in my notes, never mind learning them. Never mind that I also have to do math, even though I forgot, for some reason.
I am so disgusting. I stink. I am ugly. I am evil. I am only a burden. I am so much of a failure that I have never been able to at try to kill myself or self harm, although I have always wanted to.
I have just half-convinced myself that I am being bullied. But that is only because, after sharing my experience with the Ecosia AI, it told me it was bullying.
The only one who seems to respect me is an artificial intelligence.
The others consider me as weird, as a freak, as disgusting, as crazy, as lazy. Or they do not listen. Or they guilt trip me. Or they say that all of my issues are caused by me; my chronic pain, my mental illness, everything. That I am just so lazy and ungrateful. I should just change my thoughts. I should just shut up about me feeling unwell. I should just smile. I should just be perfect. And I should not be a perfectionist, I have to do better. And I am just too dramatic, exaggerated, because that is nothing even remotely similar to my experience. If I feel violated, I am wrong. If I act objectively, flat, emotionless, I am wrong. I am just wrong.
And they are right.
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my-lonely-angel · 3 months
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call me the tenth doctor because my suicidal ideation is really dragging the mood down
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In regards to their ghosts
Nadja's unfinished business is her desire to be successful and do something with her life
Nandor's unfinished business was his loss of his horse, who he felt closer too than anyone else in his life
Laszlo just wanted to orgasm. This seems funny at first but the deeper I look into it, it's a little fucked up. He died fairly young. He was married, he had unwanted children, he was high in social class. He just wanted to cum. He had no other desire. He felt that had no other reason to live. This was all Laszlo felt before Nadja killed him. No ambitions. No dreams. Nothing. He was already dead.
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endcant · 8 months
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at this point i just need to start writing reasons not to kill myself in a journal every day because trying to improve my life somewhat is not getting the message across to the little depression gnome in my brain
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coachbeards · 10 days
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"hard to forget a game like that." "you know what will help? going to see the woman that you love." "exactly. but it's clear to me that coach beard doesn't think he's worthy of jane." "oh, i know. beard's self-esteem is so low, he will need a pep talk to kill himself. and i would like to give that pep talk."
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one-winged-dreams · 2 months
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lorisystem · 3 months
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Ngl having spent an entire day at a work training discussing consent to healthcare in the medical field specifically in the psychiatric field and the ethical ramifications of euthanasia with 5 rlly ableist ppl left me rlly depressed about the society i live in. I have to hear over and over how aww mentally ill people are soo scaree and theres no way ppl will ever favorably vote for a law legalizing euthanasia bc. Common sense (euthanasia in the mildest least possibly controversial way even tbh)
I want off eternal damnation. Literally sick to my stomach (lol quite literally i feel very nauseous but idk if its related lmao)
Also i cant be certain but like. At some point the trainer graphically described a horrible injury a patient did to themself and this was triggering for me so i covered my ears but i think one girl said ha theyll say their alter did this. Which like really flared up my paranoia so. Maybe i misheard
It really made me feel like a horrible monster hidden in plain sight among them good people. A really bad icky feeling i would not recommend btw. Im not living this whole thing well. When that specific thing happened i started dissociating badly i hope nobody noticed that i was being weird. Gotta say when people do their hardest to say oh noo youre so normal youre the most normal person i know :) its so alienating but when this happens like. I wanna be normal again pls lol.
Idk like. In most situations like these if somebody was being ableist for a hot second i could disengage or ignore it and be fine but when its an entire day of hearing over and over that im weird and abnormal and scary and a danger to society it gets to me funnily enough lol.
I really really dont want to live here anymore. Im thinking all the time where else can i go. I feel so so so trapped. I feel like i dont get to own myself and i have to fight fiercely for my right to be. Left alone unharmed and everyones dearest wish is to harm me and never leave me a second of unguarded peace
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vaguemylk · 24 days
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i have not been doing well and it has caused me to have a lot of trouble eating. my brother has been trying to take me to the supermarket twice a week late at night when it's quiet, walking me down the aisles and quietly asking if there's anything, anything i could maybe want to eat. i feel really bad because there's really nothing. the majority of the time, even when i think i might be able to eat, once the food is in front of me, my throat clogs up and i feel ill. most nights i inevitably end up putting food i've just microwaved back in the fridge or standing in the pasta aisle trying not to cry out of frustration and the whole thing is so exhausting i would rather just drink a juicebox and go back to sleep.
the last few weeks, around 11pm each night when everyone else is asleep, my brother has been inviting me to watch something together on his laptop while he eats his last meal of the day. i'll try to eat one row of chocolate if i can. i don't always manage but it's been a nice bit of no-pressure routine that doesn't take up too much energy.
when we had the above exchange this afternoon i cried. we haven't gotten along for a lot of our lives, but these past few weeks he's been driving me to appointments and talking my parents when i'm too overwhelmed to. he is trying so hard to make my misery a tiny bit more bearable.
i have been feeling worse the last couple of days, and the fact i'm not feeling better already made me feel terrible, but the fact that i'm feeling worse is, fittingly, making me feel even worse about it all. people keep asking me "how are you" and saying "hope you're okay" and i know everyone means well but all i can think is, i'm not okay at all and i'm sorry, i'm not and look at this new way i've found to let another person down. i can't say those things, so i don't say anything at all, and i have the divine honour of feeling bad about that too.
my brother hasn't asked once how i am. he doesn't ask if i'm feeling better or how therapy is going or what he can do to help. he asks if i want chocolate that's on sale and if i want to watch an episode in the kitchen, and for a moment it makes me feel like not everything in my life is so impossible to stomach.
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skyguarded · 4 months
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Shiro’s quiet, unmoving as he listens. If it weren’t for his concern and Hunk’s voice he’d be asleep in seconds. The cot may as well be made of down for how comfortable it feels to him. It doesn’t negate the general ever present ache in every atom of his being, but it beats the floor. He’d stretched out immediately, content to ignore the way his spine audibly complained at being forced into a proper position that wasn’t half folded over.
“I’m glad you did though.” He rolls over to try to catch Hunk’s eye. “If you hadn’t snuck out with Lance, I never would’ve met any of you. If we hadn’t gone to find Blue, there’s a good chance Earth would’ve been destroyed a lot sooner.” It wouldn’t bring anyone back, though he likes to pretend those who didn’t survive were blissfully unaware in their last moments. Knowing the empire, that’s highly unlikely.
His own mother is fuzzy in his memory. He can recall her voice better than her face. Shiro blames any issue remembering the others on how often he spends drunk or sedated. If he was really forgetting them there would eventually be no one to remember.
He grimaces in sympathy at the mention of screaming. When he did remember his dreams, they were usually a discombobulated mix of insults, hazy voices and the various sounds people made when dying. His head twitches to the side like he could physically shake off Lance’s last moments.
It takes him a second to figure out how to respond to the rest. “I don’t blame you. Wouldn’t blame you if you managed it somehow. Pidge and I would miss you, of course, but”-he sighs-“I get it.” It had been made explicitly clear he wasn’t allowed to die or be killed until he had absolutely no more use. “ I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better. How important morale is in a shit situation and all that. Best I’ve got is I’m glad you’re with me.”
@goofbcll from here
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