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chronicbeans · 1 year

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Omg I really want to talk about something! (Especially because my blog is probably going to be flooded with odd content because of it)

So like... Childhood Memory Unlocked! Want to see if anybody else can relate!

TW: Unrestricted Internet Access as a Kid, Violent/NSFW Parodies of Children's Content

So, I feel like the people who grew up with the early days of the internet, specifically with like... unrestricted access all have some sort of weird childhood trauma because of it, right? I just had the most like... TRANSCENDENTAL experience reliving some of it.

So, don't judge me too hard... but I do listen to Friday Night Funkin' mod songs. It kinda helps me drown out irritating noise in a way that helps me focus. If I listen to songs that have lyrics, it will make me want to write something or whatever, because I focus on the lyrics. Anyway, that isn't the important part. I was listening to a random playlist of songs, when I came across a really good one called "Stomach Flu". If any of you know the mod that it is from you probably already know where this is going.

I decided to look up the specific song on YouTube and find out which mod it is from so I can see if it had any more good songs. Turns out it's from a SpongeBob Parody mod, and was for freaking SPONGEBOB SICKPANTS. I took one look at that little gremlin and was like "I KNOW you from somewhere, but where"? Then like... I found a reupload and was like "I saw you when I was a kid? Wtf?" I believe I found him from YouTube, but he was also on Newgrounds, I believe. I'm just going to put the Newgrounds tag on this in case any of the other parodies were on there.

Needless to say, it led me down the rabbit hole of remembering the oddest and most gruesome parodies from my childhood, like SpongeBob plays SAW and some other one where SpongeBob was like... A killer or something (I know, real descriptive. There were a million of those probably)? Then I started remembering my MLP phase with all that horror, and how I found YouTube through those Sonic Sprite Videos that were definitely NOT child friendly! Lol but right now I am mainly obsessed with trying to find all of those SpongeBob parodies, because of COURSE I can't be obsessed with a children's show without it specifically being the not child friendly parts of it. 😁

So like... Two main things:

If you see the most random, obscure, and unnerving things being posted on here about parodies from kids shows, don't worry, I will be putting them under read more's. Also, just know that you can blame Friday Night Funkin' music for reviving those memories, as well as unrestricted Internet Access. So like... Don't be concerned if you see me making some sort of SpongeBob Parody Multiverse on my account. That is a perfectly normal thing for a wild ChronicBeans to do! (Or do be, I am pretty sure it isn't considered normal behavior but I can't stop-)

Also, I am just kinda curious if anybody else has had the same experience. Like, seeing the most cursed things on the internet as a kid, then suddenly having those memories unlocked from a random piece of media later in life. Also, if you remember any of those weird SpongeBob parodies and know where to find them, I would be very thankful if you let me know! There are so many I can remember, but like, not remember the names. I really want to find them.

#Unrestricted Internet Access shenanigans #parodies #SpongeBob parodies #childhood memory unlocked #childhood memories #unsupervised internet access #newgrounds

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strangenessbooks · 2 years

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The Bat-Man Recap #9

Welcome to Detective Comic issue 35, where we are reminded that Batman is indeed Bruce Wayne despite this being the 9th straight appearance of him. It's funny to think of a time where you would have to explain to a random eight-year-old who Batman was or that they would care that his birth name was Bruce Wayne...

We should explaining to them why Jim Gordon should be fired.

Anyway, James Gordon is talking to Bruce Wayne about how much he wants to catch that damn Batman. As we have talked about several times, The Batman does indeed have quite the death count and will be facing the death penalty if ever caught (okay, I wrote that on a whim and then looked it up to see if it was true, based on him probably doing this all in New York).

This is just a set up for the plot.

This is meant to be a Hindu god, looks like a Christian Devil, and not any of the Hindu gods I've seen. This was before Google, but libraries always existed. Also, maybe just don't use something from a religion you have no clue about. So this "Kila, god of destruction" according to this comic.

Okay, we have had threats of some unchecked Racism and it's finally here. Brown men kidnapping a white one. He's fucking thief who deserves it but these characters are shirtless. This comic is definitely racist towards Asian people, South and East. It's not mean but ignorance can still do damage. Batman is always going to be questionable, due to one of his big villains having an Arabic name and being the head of a terrorist group. If only they had made him Irish so we could make jokes about it now.

To the lighter side, random bits of lore being added that go no way.

Bruce Wayne is a writer?...A reporter. What nonsense is this? This has literally never been established. I thought Bruce was just insanely rich and therefore doing whatever he wants. Is this just them stealing from Superman? because this really goes no way. It would give him a reason to visit crime scenes, instead of it just appearing that Bruce is just down to relive his childhood trauma.

What a waste of tax player's money, protecting this guy's giant ruby, Not in a museum where British school children can gawk at them.

Now for a panel that I will be editing.

Batman hitting a cop is funny and I know he's hit cops after this but this was the first (at least where a whole panel was dedicated to it). As soon as I can think of something funny to edit the dialogue to.

I have commented on the red Batmobile several times and it's now a less striking colour. It's also a convertible. Not sure why he made that choice. At least it has the choice of roof unlike some other Batmobiles. Turns out Batman's pellets are more than just gas.

He cure Mustand Gas, if only he had been there for World I. You think Gas mask, which will become a staple of the unity belt but then we wouldn't get that beautiful smile. Maybe he's in heaven, but as we all know racism doesn't exist in heaven.

That's right, Yellow-face. Makes me wonder if the earlier part was Brown-face. It's not established as that.

This is a skippable comic. The only notable thing is how brutal the detail is in which Bruce's latest kill is shown.

Four panels were dedicated to this man's death. He was shooting at Batman so it's self-defence but still. One of the reasons, Batman stopped killing was because parents complained when a certain Boy Wonder appeared and so far I can kinda understand if these are being marketed at children. I still think comics encouraging violence is bullshit but I would still be like WTF is my six-year-old reading.

He was a murdering racist who did yellowface...but I don't think that was the moral they were trying to give to the reader. Adding it to the kill count I've been collecting and moving on.

Join us next time, because we will be getting lore that matters in the long run of Batman.

#The Bat-Man Recap #Batman #TW: racism #Jim Gordon

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galaactic · 3 years

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tiktok trends :/

#fucking me up!#stop making me relive trauma wtf #not remotely cool to make it a trend to talk abt ******* attempts #and then. even when the video isnt that bad and its like Okay #all the comments are just #SO bad #:////#emotionally unwell rn #txt

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alisarb · 4 years

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the nature of frenchie and kimiko’s relationship

in every frenchie-kimiko video about their relationship there’s always someone commenting how much they ship it and there’s always someone else pointing out that their relationship in the comics is like father and daughter

so, being the obsessive shipper that I am and weirdly overthinking everything about a tv show because i can’t enjoy things like normal people, i decided to write this post to defend why I think their relationship in the show (and even a bit in the comics) is anything BUT paternal, and why their relationship in tv vs. comics is so different

(please bear in mind this is my opinion and in no way i wanna force ships onto anyone, you’re free to interpret stories and ship characters however you want!!)

Okay, the first thing we learn about frenchie in the show is that he is a man of many skills: in his own words, a gunrunner by trade, but with a very particular niche. we also learn he used to be a hitman, probably, and then he talks about his victims like scars he has to carry forever. he’s the first character apart from hughie that expresses some kind of remorse in the show about killing someone up until that point in the show (and i know it’s only the second episode, but by then we’d already seen quite enough violence)

he’s a layered character from the beginning, going from what looks like a man who likes his pills way too much and who seems dangerous to someone who actually has more to offer. still, he has other personality traits that differentiate him from the rest: frenchie describes himself as a womanizer in a conversation with m.m, who he mocks for being in a loving relationship with his wife. he “goes to sleep every night next to someone different.” we’ve met cherie by then but we can assume they are not really in a relationship by this statement, more like a casual lovers situation

and then, like a joke from fate, he meets kimiko. and from the very beginning they form a connection like no other. one can argue that their earlier interactions are kinda sweet and tender and not romantic at all, but from what i see, they share the kind of intimacy that most tv couples wish they could convey without even touching. their chemistry is undeniable

on top of that, as their relationship progresses, kimiko begins to return the affection. she goes from this killing machine that can’t stand to be touched to initiate contact with (and only) frenchie, because he’s her source of comfort and reassuring. at mesmer’s, kimiko looks at him because he’s the only person that she can trust and the first one to show her kindness in who knows how long

the rest of the group is understandably wary of kimiko, as she has proved to brutal and ruthless. frenchie is the only one who understands her, and that’s why he frees her that first time: to give her a choice

in exchange, when they are at mesmer’s,he asks her to show them what he sees, and she complies. because she doesn’t trust the rest yet, but she trusts frenchie. and even with that first vision he doesn’t doubt for a second that she can’t be just a terrorist. so kimiko shares with them and relives her trauma: the murder of her parents, being removed from her home and sent to a camp with her brother, being forced to become a soldier, being injected with compound v and becoming a supe with a talent for mass murder just to be locked in a cage like an animal...

the look they share after that revelation is anything but platonic and/or paternal:

LOOK AT MM AND BUTCHER. BUTCHER IS LIKE WTF AND M.M SHRUGGED LIKE “NOTHING TO BE DONE HE’S IN LOVE YOUR HONOR”

sorry about the excitement this scene makes me wanna squeal with delight

shortly after, kimiko is watching shark week again and frenchie comes up to her to talk about vought and how they’re hurting people like they hurt her, how she could help them stop it. at first kimiko keeps staring at the TV and looks defensive, but the moment he says: “it’s your choice, if you wanna go back and look for your brother i’ll take you to the airport” she looks at him, surprised.

because he keeps giving her a choice, which is the core of their relatiionship

and, as another user pointed out in a post a while ago, if you watched the show with the captions on (as i did bc english is not my native language) as she holds his hand, you can hear and read that shark week talks about mating and how if a female shark returns the male’s feelings will make some sort of move. one could think that this was accidental but c’mon, this show doesn’t leave anything a coincidence

it’s clear from the beginning that frenchie is completely smitten with her. in fact, we see small glimpses of him literally OBSESSING over her from the beginning: he meets with cherie to get the gas to sedate kimiko and we learn he hasn’t been with her in a while. i’m sure he was plenty busy with the whole vought + kimiko situation, but at that point they were all living separately and they returned to their places even if it was less frequently than usual (and cherie seemed to spend a lot of time in his place, if not even living there)

he cooks for her when she’s chained and then later on he teaches her HOW TO BAKE my heart

I could keep listing every moment when Frenchie looks at Kimiko (because his eyes inevitably follow her at any scene) or how the rest of The Boys is so aware of what they are (”you’re dating a terrorist”/”your crazy ass girlfriend”), and (SPOILERS SEASON 2 STOP READING FOR A SECOND) in the s2 we see how Frenchie is dog tired, probably angry and frustrated, and his face automatically changes when Kimiko goes to show him the origami piece. He smiles sweetly because she makes him happy, and amidst all the chaos they are going through one of his main worries is still Kimiko and how to understand and communicate with her.

END OF SPOILRS SEASON 2

One of the last moments is in the finale, when Kimiko is finally pulling herself back together after years of abuse and mistreatment by brushing her hair, wearing pretty clothes or painting her nails. Simple acts that make her feel like she’s a person. When she comes out of the bathroom, he looks at her with pure AWE. He even says “look at you, mon coeur”, because it’s like she’s the prettiest thing he’s seen. When the gas comes into the room he pushes her into the bathroom first thing.

M.M’s face at the end when they’re surrounded and he sees Frenchie hitting his head against the wall because even though he’s been shot he only wants to go get Kimiko, I think it says everything. His face when he talks about Kimiko and how she made him a better person. The way he pulled the hair out of her face.

I really love how everything is coming together this new season, so now I’d like to address the main issue of this post: the nature of their relationship and how it’s nothing like the comics.

There’s a very basic reason to why I believe their relationship is romantic, and not only by the actors’ interactions in Instagram, or the way Amazon promotes their relationship, but because the comics are so different from the tv show.

Every character’s background story is changed, and so are their motivations, personalities and, as far as we’ve seen, their storylines. In the show they’ve made it pretty clear that Kimiko and Frenchie share a connection that resembles that of a soulmate.

And even in the comics, (spoiler) when they’re about to die, Frenchie turns around and tells her that he’s loved her since the beginning. I don’t think that’s very father-like.

In conclusion, it’s likely that they’ll make us wait for a long time before we get more romantic interaction (especially since Kimiko is growing as a character and that might mean she might need to grow on her own, which I think is great), but it’s been clear since the beginning that they are meant to be. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

#kimiko #frenchie x kimiko #frenchie #kimiko x frenchie #the boys #prime video #the boys prime video #they are so precious and i love them so much #they deserve everything #never thought i'd be so in deep with a straight couple again #but oh boy here we are

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noncanonfan · 3 years

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tbh lizzie is an angel and is treated unfairly by her sister Josie is the evil one she is toxic and needs to grow up she made fun of Lizzie's health and made up lies about her so she would get hated she's not a fucking good sister and hosie not a fucking good ship literally Josie such a bad person but people overlook because she's cute that literal bullshit and if your a hosie stan than that's tough fr because hosie stans have been mad racist towards finch yet lizzie is a bad person for calling her a killer it's what she fucking is but deadass y'all racist

Lmaooooo why tf do you think I️ was the person to send this to? Like why did you think I’m the one who would entertain this nonsense?

Lizzie is not an angel. The fact that y’all act like she’s so perfect is so weird to me. I️ like her, sure, but she’s no angel. Hate to break it to you, but your favorite little white girl can do wrong and has proved this multiple times.

Yes, Josie has definitely treated Lizzie unfairly. And I️ appreciate that Lizzie is at least self aware and generally more readily willing to admit when she fucks up. But this black and white thinking needs to stop. Josie isn’t perfect, but she isn’t evil either. Same goes for Lizzie. Also the fact that y’all are willing to ignore anything bad Lizzie has ever done (including shit she CONTINUES to do) in the name of character development but would never so much as consider extending the same courtesy to Josie is beyond me. And if you really think it’s based on appearance then I️ could throw the same thing at you and say you only worship Lizzie because she’s a skinny, blond, conventionally attractive, white girl. Both Josie and Lizzie stans need to fucking chill to be honest. None of this shit is as deep as y’all make it and I’m fucking tired.

I’ve literally said I’m not a Hosie stan. I️ like Hosie, but I️’m definitely not as invested in it as I️ once was and I️ have other ships that I️ prefer over Hosie. I️ haven’t seen any of the racist comments made toward Finch, but whatever they are I️ obviously don’t condone them. But you don’t see me blaming every single Lizzie stan for the unjust and racially charged hate Raf received.

And yes, what Lizzie did to Finch actually is wrong wtf. She literally forced her to relive her trauma. The fact that you were defending Finch and then saying that Lizzie hurting her is fine in the same breath is so fucking trippy to me. Pick a motherfucking script and stick to it.

And I’m racist? For not thinking your favorite WHITE girl is perfect? Please feel free to let me know whatever you’re smoking. The fact that you had to say this shit on anon means you have to at least kind of know that this is complete nonsense, right?

If you have a problem with me having opinions that differ from yours that don’t even make any fucking sense, then literally just block me instead of putting this crap in my ask box because I️ am not the one honey.

#y'all need to stop #lizzie saltzman #josie saltzman #legacies #hosie #finch tarrayo #rafael waithe #ask #anon #anti lizzie stans #anti lizzie saltzman stans

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calliecat93 · 3 years

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Star Trek Episodes 38-41

Obsession: This was great! So we’ve seen Kirk frustrated before and dealing with past trauma before, but this time? This time it’s overcome him. The moment he begins to realize the circumstances to delaying the need to deliver medical supplies to find the creature, whichwuses more of his men to die. His vengeance and trauma overwhelm him and becomes... well, look at the title. IDT we’ve seen him go off theedge like this. Even in Counciousness of the King, he overall kept it together despite dealing with trauma of surviving a genocide. Here he’s reliving the trauma of his cirst deep space mission and even he’s realizing just how far the rabbit hole he’s falling, yet he can’t stop himself. These are the kinds of character studies that I love and seeing this side of Kirk that at most we’ve only gotten glimpses of in the past was great to witness. The best part of course was Spock and McCoy discussing Kirk’s mental state and properly confronting him on it with McCoy threatning to declare him unfit for duty. Seeing the two men who are usually at odds band together to confront the man who not normally keeps them in check because he’s becoming unhinged was very well done and just reminds me on why I love their dynamic so much. We also have the young ensign, the son of the CO who Kirk served under and whose death he feels guilty for, be driven by the same obsession. Thankfully Kirk was able to comfort him, and in the progress realize that he isn’t to blame for the past loses and pull himself together to end the threat. Also I did like that, while he failed epically at it, Spock DID try to comfort the ensign and threw him out when the creature attacked to protect him, sacrificing himself even though he survived (thank God for. Vulcan physiology). Also glad to see Chapel getting some more screentime cause she’s freakin’ great in this episode XD This episode very much gripped my attention throughout, and I very much enjoyed it. 5/5.

Wolf in the Fold: Alright, Scotty episode! And... it was okay. We have a murder mystery with three different women being stabbed todeath, and Scotty is the prime suspect but keeps lacking out. This gives,emajor ‘Court Martial’ vibes since we once more have a murder/court room drama episode. Not obviously we know that Scotty is innocent cause major character, but we’re still wondeirng WTF is going on then. The answer is... bizzare. So... Jack the Ripper was actually some kind of creature that has has managed to survive to the far future to continue his killing spree upon women... yeah... it was a thing. Didn’t care for it. It makes me like Court Martial more because that did work like a regular court drama while this feels like something they drafted on the edge of a deadline. I will give it points for featuring John Fiedler, a character actor who did voice work for many Disney productions. Being the animation lover I am I appreciate these things~ Nearly everyone drugging hemselves was also kind of amusing,especially at the end. Other than that though, it was meh. Also I’d like to understand how taking Scotty to essentially a strip club was supposed to cure his apparent resentment towards women... but whatever. 2/5.

The Trouble With Tribbles: In the immortal words of Slappy Squirrel, “Now that’s comedy!”. Kirk hating absoluteley everything about this whole episode is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, haha! We have Kirk trying to deal ith Klingons as the ship becomes overrun with Tribbles until they’re essentially knee deep in them. Like I said, Kirk’s hatred of everything makes this episode, especially when a billion just topple over him and he looks both resigned to his fate and hating every life choice that he ever made. His epic glare at McCoy when he points out that he doesn’t know how to keep the Tribbles alive when they start dying was perfection... so was McCoy not noticing or caring that Jim was buried under them haha! Also the bar brawl was amazing haha! Listing everything that I enjoyed would take too long, but it was very much entertaining. Just a fun episode all around, loved it~ 5/5

The Gamesters of Triskelion: So Kirk, Chekov, and Uhura get kidnapped to become slaves/fughters to be gambled on... alrighty. It was okay. I liked seeing more Chekov and Uhura and there’s the moral of slavery being bad, which given the current times is still a relevant message. The scenes of Spock, McCoy, and Scotty trying to figure out what happened and what to do were also pretty good. Otherwise... it was okay I guess. Shatner’s overa ting was distracting as heck and the fashion choices were... something. Kirk continuously taking on punishments was noble though and while he did make out with a woman again (albiet to get information), it was good of him to explain that people should be free to choose their own lovers. The trio’s escape was also pretty awesome haha! Still, nothing all that noteworthy and the ending kinda left things... unresolved, at least in the long-term. Not bad, not great. 3/5.

So one okay episode, one WTF is happening episode, and two really great episodes. Not bad! Ten more for S2 to go. Progress is happening everyone~

#st watchthrough #star trek tos

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sparksinthenight · 4 years

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It’s somehow April 1st already

Happy April First.

This is apparently an auspicious day for Loki. There are other ones, like early August when I’ll be volunteering and September 4th & 5th which is when I’ll be reliving my childhood traumas (or more accurately someone else’s childhood trauma) for the sake of what will hopefully be an empathy-inspiring story.

But honestly I literally just looked at my calendar and realized it was April 1st and I was like “Wait. Fuck.”

I have no idea what to do for it lol. I haven’t honoured an actual spiritual day in years, I don’t even know how it’s supposed to feel.

I mean I’ll continue hating the system and trying to dismantle it but that isn’t different from what I do on other days. I mean I could work on my latest story that’s kind of dedicated to him that would be a good devotional thing to do.

I kind of hate the fact that I have no money I could donate to like a worthy cause.

Like I quite literally have $0.00

And currently I haven’t been as focused as I should be for helping bring social change.

And the quarantine means that everything is shut down.

And the fact that we don’t really have any hard and fast traditions makes this even harder. Like I love how you can personalize Loki-worship to your personal life in order to grow the way he wants you to grow, I don’t mind our lack of hard and fast traditions and I don’t mind how personalized worship is. I understand it. I adore it. We all have different ways we need to change. Different directions we need to grow in. Different things we need to learn. The god of chaos is chaotic and can’t be held with rules. And I recognize that I don’t even have to do anything today I could extra-dedicate myself on a different day.

But I haven’t been feeling as close to him as I normally am and I know he’s disappointed about it and I feel like I need to bring myself closer to him and this is an auspicious time to do it.

I’m not doing this for tradition I’m doing this because I seriously recognize that I personally need to do something right now. That the way I need to grow requires me to take time to think about and dedicate myself to Loki with diligence and passion.

But seriously what’s something good I could do to honour today? It needs to be something that fucks with corrupt power structures and empowers marginalized people. It has to be something to help what my Uncle represents, not just him in an abstract sense.

It needs to bring positive change. Loki wants positive change.

It has to be a concrete action I could take to make life fairer for people who are underprivileged because Loki is all about that and all about them.

It needs to be sincere. Action, not indulgence, it needs to be action not indulgence.

I’ll definitely pray. Hard. I’ll probably work on my book. But I don’t know what else I could do. Something involving myself and mistletoe? Maybe later.

Because I swear to God, March stopped happening before I even noticed and now I’m sitting here on a holy fucking day with no idea how to honour it.

This is an incredibly stupid situation. It’s not funny.

Just stupid. wtf

What do I fucking do?

#Loki #april 1st

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realitachifacts · 5 years

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HCs about Itachi and his dreams, nightmares, sleeping habits and alternate states of consciousness. Does he get insomnia? Anything about parasomnia? Maybe a brief writing about it.

okay i just finished this and wtf it ended up being so long. i am not editing the story so if there are typos or anything sucks to suck for me.

headcanon time! i’m really excited for this one not gonna lie.

itachi has nightmares. many of them. this… makes sense, really, considering traumatic experiences induce vivid nightmares and, actually, blind people have more nightmares (though the difference is much slighter that that of the average person if you become blind later in life).

i’m gonna get into the blindness first before i get into the nightmares. some of this is probably going to be scientifically inaccurate, but i mean… this is an anime headcanon.

the more his blindness progressed, the less visual the dreams became, focusing more on sensory experiences; at the same time, the imagery incorporated became more “familiar territory”, by which i mean the elements involved show up in a way he’d been familiar with for a longer experience of time. i guess the best example would be, before the final showdown, he’d seen sasuke once, at around age thirteen. the last few times he was able to see even anything in dreams, one of the few visuals that remained was his family, at the age he killed them; despite not seeing them in years, playing solely off of the most prominent memories.

as he began to see less and less in general, before blacked-out dreams, the more the things less important to him would fade away, out of sight.

as far as dreams go, it’s likely he had very few positive ones while in the akatsuki. i’d imagine more of them came when he could no longer see, but it was still painful, to hear the voices of loved ones and not be able to look into their faces again in the only way you can, knowing you have only a few months left to live.

now onto the nightmares.

more or less as an interesting concept alone, but for the majority of his life, itachi never had nightmares. stress at night manifested solely through insomnia rather than having bad dreams. since he’s a ninja, i would imagine learning to remain composed is sort of an essential asset of the job, and he was probably taught how to do this, so he could at least force himself into sleep, even if he woke up several times or barely felt rested in the morning.

he’s had dreams though, but that’s never been something all that significant to him; i don’t think any of them have been super good dreams.

[ okay just note that i haven’t gotten to the shisui death scene yet i just know that it happens and that’s about it so i’m probably interpreting some stuff wrong ]

but when that happened he couldn’t sleep for 10 full days until he passed out from sleep deprivation.

the first time he had a nightmare was the first time he was able to sleep after killing his clan.

okay actually that’s cool i’m gonna write something with that. ugh OP… your mind…

obviously the nightmares were trauma-based. he had them up until his death, but the further away from the time the event occurred, the more abstract elements worked their way into the dream. he still had the dreams after he lost sight in his dreams, and he felt a bit guilty about it, but he was grateful he didn’t have to look at the eyes and faces of his clan members as he killed them.

for a while after the sasuke encounter during part I, sasuke played a more prominent part in his nightmares, for a good while.

the majority of the nightmares involve bad things happening to sasuke, or him killing his clan, or havoc in the leaf village, since i doubt anything harm that could come upon itachi scares him as much as the thought of those three things.

i imagine both dreams and nightmares are very vivid for itachi, being an observing/calculating/analytical individual he takes in more and has more to process.

as far as parasomnias go, dream-enacting behavior might’ve happened once or twice but i can’t imagine much beyond that.

as for sleeping habits, probably just mindfulness exercises before sleeping, because being someone introspective and having done/been through terrible things you feel guilty about that giving yourself time to think before you sleep is probably not the best of ideas ever.

with worsening depression/illness, itachi’s wanting to just sleep all the time probably amplified. it’s particularly hard, knowing that after closing your eyes the misery will continue or even worsen.

as for altered states of consciousness, i have a personal headcanon that using genjutsu efficiently requires a calm/collected/well cared for mind, otherwise you might not be able to control or even, worst case scenario when you’ve totally lost your marbles, get trapped in your own genjutsu. so i would assume something like meditation/mind training in some way would help you maintain that.

i think that covers everything?

now for a story.

Itachi Uchiha has never had a nightmare before in his life.

“Why?!”

He doesn’t need to.

“W-Why would you do this?!”

He’s living one.

Itachi talks about wanting to prove his vessel.

Doesn’t mean a single word of it.

… , …

He spends the rest of the night running, getting away and putting as much distance between himself and the Hidden Leaf Village as is completely possible, and in his head the moment plays over and over and over, but it doesn’t feel real, he’s existing in this dreamlike state, as if he’s repeatedly reading some page of a book because his eyes are blurred, unfocused.

He appears calm, at least, he thinks, as he stops running; the one area falling short of perfection in his academy exams was stamina, but a fighting style rooted primarily in genjutsu more than makes up for that missing proficiency. He has… a lot of emotions to process, really, it’s foreign territory when the majority of his emotional responses have a tendency towards being at least moderately underwhelming. This whole endeavor, every part of it, it’s been so stressful, so painful, deep hurt powerful enough that it manifests physically in his body, chest bleeding with.

Sadness.

Loss.

Loneliness.

Remorse.

He wonders if he should feel remorse, or at least, if remorse is logically applicable here. He was doing this to save the village, it would have happened either way, but at least this way Sasuke his safe, holding that sword with the metal drinking in and shining out the colors of moonlight, silver gleam broken by patches of slightly rusted crimson, red like roses lovers give to each other; blood of his ancestors and uncles and aunts and cousins and his parents and. And anyways. His little brother would’ve died, if it had been anyone but him. His clan was going to stage a coup, start a war, the death toll would’ve been worse, so many of the Uchihas would’ve died in it anyways, at least he put them out of their misery fast, and-

These are rationalizations.

Itachi knows this.

But he saved the village, he thinks.

It was going to happen anyways.

Sasuke will grow stronger, Itachi will ensure it, kill him and paint the clan name in new colors; clean off the bloodstained sins Itachi left on his blade. Sasuke will go back to the village a hero, Itachi thinks. Find happiness and acceptance, slaughterer of his criminal brother, sociopathic mass-murderer, heart and soul black as the eyes of crows.

Itachi is orchestrating his own divine justice. Playing as a deity in order to be purged by an angel of his own creation.

… , …

He’s sitting underneath a pine tree, long bark-wrinkled branches with needle fingers hang lazily from its sides. It’s still night, but in a few hours, it’ll be dawn, Itachi’s internal clock estimates. Still, the sky above him is as dark as a scorpion’s carapace, white stars speckled across like the shine on its shell. By now the world up above the deciduous forest is moonless, clouds consume it like parasites. It’s not that cold, or it could be colder, but maybe Itachi’s body is just numb from.

Everything.

Anyways, he’s exhausted. Doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. Thirteen-year-old self too life-drained to carry on much further. He lays down on a bed of pine needles, rough against his back, stinging in minutely; closes his eyes.

He thinks sleep won’t come easily.

He’s wrong.

But Itachi promises himself one thing before he fades down into unconsciousness.

If he can, he never wants to kill anyone, ever again.

… , …

Itachi is in the Uchiha compound, night’s almost fallen, the sky is painted indigo from the tail ends of dusk.

Many battles ensue.

Itachi wins all of them

His parents sit next to each other, in their room, side by side, execution style.

They talk about some things.

Itachi kills them.

Sasuke is crying.

If you want to defeat me, you need these eyes, Itachi says.

He’s already mentioned that he never cared about him, this whole time.

There’s nobody else in the world Itachi could ever care about more.

… , …

Itachi wakes up with tears heavy in his eyes, breathing hard, the milky pink of dawn has managed to claw its way into the sky and the first breaths of light whisper down between leaves and what was that.

Rationally, Itachi knows it’s a nightmare, but his heart is still fast and his breathing is a bit sped up and his eyes are wide, less characteristic emotional expression (though the normal tends to be majorly apathy, with any other responses muted partially).

He’s.

He’s never had one of these before.

It felt so real, and his dreams, they’ve always been vivid, mainly processing stressors or other events that provoked a more intense response from him; he’s never needed to analyze them, because his sleeping mind still holds hands with reality, and so now, this, this reliving it, as it happened, had to look into his relatives’ death-fearing eyes, had to act on notions antithetic to his moral code of pacifism, had to murder so many people.

Itachi shakes his head, tries not to dwell on it for too long.

He has a life he needs to figure out what to do with, until its preordained end.

… , …

He has that dream many, many more times.

It doesn’t get better, any of them.

… , …

Itachi is already halfway out of one of the two beds he’s rented at the inn, soft and luxurious and feather down mattress, as Kisame begins to speak. Asks Itachi if it’s another nightmare.

Itachi says nothing. The yes is unspoken.

Kisame asks Itachi if it’s the same one.

“Partially.” Itachi says. “Though devoid of all visual imagery.”

Kisame makes a jest, something along the lines of ‘finally, huh’? Itachi finds it non-offensive. He’s trying to be supportive, lighten the situation. Itachi doesn’t laugh at much anything, anymore. Kisame still tries.

“It’s been this way for some time, actually.” I just never wanted to talk about it.

He’s going to sit outside, take some space, as he does. This is a regular occurrence. Kisame tells him to come back soon.

… , …

Itachi comes back after around thirty minutes. Kisame is still awake, likely awaiting his safe return. It’s considerate.

He reminds Itachi that they’ll be at the Uchiha Hideout soon.

Itachi wouldn’t have forgotten ever. The scene of the final showdown, holy retribution, smite by the angelic.

… , …

This is Itachi’s last night alive.

He hopes the night is dreamless.

… , …

It isn’t.

But actually, in a good way.

… , …

Itachi is practicing shurikenjutsu, he’s around thirteen, sort of, leaps into the air in cat smooth motions, the throwing stars bounce off of each other and white shines across the metal. It’s warm and summery and the rare breaths of wind are hot, comforting almost. The trees are painted golden at the edges by sunlight, shuriken impale the targets on them, biting into their canvas skin.

Perfect score.

Sasuke is there, too, a child, around seven. He’s smiling and there are stars in his dark eyes and he’s looking at his older brother like Itachi is going to give him the world.

“Can you teach me that, too?” His voice just bleeds excitement and awe, he wants to be just like his older brother who is the Best Ninja Ever. Itachi extends his hand, moves his fingers in a ‘come here’ motion. There’s a half moon smile of white teeth suddenly there on Sasuke’s face, he runs towards his brother, and Itachi uses his index and middle finger, pokes in the middle of Sasuke’s forehead, who flinches back, makes a pouting face, knowing the next sentence by heart.

“I’m sorry Sasuke, maybe next time.”

“You always say that.”

Itachi smiles apologetically, then thinks about it. Is he really busy right now? He usually is; he planned to finish his training and help his father with some mission work. But… Well, considering the state of things, he might not have more opportunities like this.

So that can wait until another time.

“I think I may be free now, actually.” Itachi sees Sasuke’s whole being shine brighter and warmer than the sun.

Itachi teaches Sasuke the beginnings of shurikenjutsu. Sasuke learns quickly, and glows in every word of his older brother’s praise and encouragement.

At the end of it all, Sasuke grabs Itachi, hugs him tight.

“Thank you, older brother.”

And Itachi feels…

Happy.

… , …

Suddenly, things are different. His body hurts, all over, it’s cold around him, dark, Itachi’s vision is blurred and then he realizes where he is, remembers that this world, this is his reality. Kisame is already awake, it’s morning, they have to get ready for… what’s next, for Itachi.

Kisame tells Itachi that he should’ve woken him up earlier, but he didn’t.

“Why?”

Apparently he was smiling in his sleep. Kisame asks what he was dreaming about.

Itachi has to think for a while, before he finds the right thing to say.

… , …

“How things should have been.”

#ask #drabbles

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bubrunana · 3 years

Text

oh GOD i have to get this out of me.

it’s eating me alive, and the worst part is: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

so, there’s this guy.

argh, that sucks. the worst texts always begin with “there’s this guy”. but i don’t know any other way to start.

okay i got this.

i fucking hate that i can’t stop thinking. my mind can’t give me a rest and it’s killing me and i hate this because there’s nothing to think about.

now it��s time to explain: there’s this guy.

back in high school, when i was dating my ex-bf, sometimes he could be a bit rude.

alright, he was a fucking ass with me. lots of trauma, therapy (that btw didn’t fix shit, i’m still broken [and when i say broken, i don’t wanna sound like omg i’m a sad broken girl. no. it’s just that i’m not capable of dating anyone. there’s this barrier that when i get close to someone i have to run away because i’m “afraid of commitment and have trusting issues”. but that’s okay, i don’t wanna date anyway]). wow that was some big parentheses. but yeah, my ex really hurt me. i feel like i should talk to someone about this since i’m not going to therapy anymore, however i don’t want to annoy anyone either. it’s easier to suffer in silence s2.

oh my god ANY FKNG WAY. i was miserable while dating my ex.

and he had this friend.

this friend is that guy.

first of all, even though my ex was making me unhappy, i didn’t realize it back then. and even if i did, i would never cheat on him. (“but he cheated on you honey!” big deal).

so yeah, it never even crossed my mind to cheat on him. just to make things clear.

one day, we went out. and that friend was there. they were like besties. let’s name him pietro. yeah i like that. pietro is his bestie.

we had a few drinks, laughed a lot. it was super fun. omg my heart is bumping super fast right now. i haven’t thought about this day in a long time. anyway, we were having a blast.

and then i started seeing pietro in a different way. i don’t know, i guess when i was fighting with my ex, i tried to remember the good times we had, and always remember that day, and pietro was there.

i created this character inside my head. it wasn’t him, it’s wasn’t real. i barely talked to the guy, we were only classmates, not even friends. but he became like, a shelter in my own mind.

when things got bad, i would simply close my eyes and think about him.

if my ex said something that upset me, in my head, pietro would say the exact opposite.

sorry, i’m so bad at explaining stuff. but do you get what i mean? i fell in love with a fake person. like we do when we watch tv shows and like the character. they are not real. that WAS NOT real. but the feelings were. and it hurt me so much when he rejected me. let me explain that.

a year later after i broke up with my ex, i went to my friend’s party, and everyone was there. my ex, pietro, my entire class. and oh. my. got. i got so wasted. like, okay, i drink a lot (is that something to talk about in therapy?), but that day, man. it was the drunkest i’ve ever gotten (hope this sentence was written correctly). and i’m not kidding, 6 shots of tequila at least. and as you can imagine, it was a complete disaster. pietro was annoying me, because he always has to be right. but i’m always right. and there was some unknown guys playing the guitar, and i just joined them to sing along. i’m also pretty sure i called someone a racist.

okay. a few hours later, i was hanging out at the sofa, talking to someone (i swear i don’t remember clearly), and i started crying. what. the. fuck. it was pretty embarrassing. people started asking me why, and i didn’t want to say the real reason. so i just said: oh pietro doesn’t want me :(

oh fuck me.

the word obviously got out. when i realized that, i went outside of the house and sat in the sidewalk. stood there in silence.

then, pietro followed me and sat next to me.

i don’t know if it was for pity or something else (i’m betting pity), but he was there.

and BRO OMG I HATE MYSELF WTF I LITERALLY SAID:

...

“did you know the stars that don’t twinkle are actually planets?”

i wanNA DIE.

as you can see, that line had some serious impact over me because i still can’t get over it. so... vergonha alheia...

i think he said no it’s not where did you see this, i said the at the internet, he said oh so it’s not true, i said yes it is true you piece of shit (ps: there was not a “piece of shit”). so, my two friends who were out there eating each other appeared. now, since everything is like a blur to me, i don’t remember if pietro left before or after they arrived, but he did.

“bruna, i’m going back inside”

“okay”

i couldn’t sleep for two days.

and when i got to chill, i realized what a mess i had made inside my head: that was a character? the pietro i like is not real?

then things got real.

i got over it, over him. we never spoke again, graduated high school, i’m in college now, so is he. i moved on from this trap i had created.

but last month i saw him again. and saw my ex. and now? it’s like i’m the old me. all the other feeling are coming back. i feel like i’m reliving the past, and it sucks morty, it SUCKS.

we saw each other at a party, that same friend’s party. said hello to everyone, super chill. pietro was like dying on the couch, my ex far away from me.

i was talking to some people, and pietro joined us. i started a conversation with him, but i couldn’t speak properly, like, i was talking really fast. he looked at me and asked “what?”. i said “forget about it, i don’t know how to speak”. i went away.

see? it wasn’t that bad, right? right! (happy thoughts, happy thoughts).

but last saturday, i went out with some friends (who are friends with pietro and my ex), and at the end of the day, when we were really (really) drunk, i said to my friend: god, i hate pietro (out of nowhere). then we started taking about it, and i asked: “do you know why he rejected me that day? was it really because of my ex? or was because of something else?” he started to beat around the bush. “he said he was chill”, “you are gorgeous, it was only because of your ex”, “he said... sorry, i can’t say it. i can’t”. WHAT CANT YOU SAY IT? OMG IM DYING INSIDE I NEED TO KNOW IF I WAS SAD FOR MONTHS FOR NOTHING!

i still don’t know what it was. and going back to mu main issue: i can’t get him out of my head. it’s 2019 all over again.

but the different thing is: i don’t like him, not at all. not only that, i despise him (that’s my defense mechanism). and i can’t get him out of my head because i keep wonder what could’ve happened, what was he thinking, how he felt about me; was i a complete stranger to him? or did he... want me?

guess i’ll never know.

maybe by the end of the year i’ll have forgotten all of this.

i sure hope so.

bye.

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barbwiredheartx · 5 years

Text

I cant even read it (link below post), i get too upset over remembering such situations and relive the utter hopelessness of no escape. Switch in, switch off. Now i see you, now i dont. You may be fucking my body but you aint fucking me. You may be "worried about me" but you steal my autonomy entirely and push me into a crying out of desperation and a consequent switch off because you are prohibiting me to leave your apartment and i cant do anything about it but let it happen til you feel satisfied in whatever the fuck you think is the problem. Dont touch me.

I may be in the middle of having good sex and switch and im an upset little not knowing how to make it stop.

I cant speak up or defend myself against either parent because of the christian god given authority that you have to act like a threat of physical punishment and mockery and force submission from a child. I cant speak up even when you accuse me of lying because i have had triggering reactions to your behaviour in the context of visceral freezing and denial related to childhood sexual abuse and because i can barely say anything back in my defense you laugh at me. Growing up afraid because of an unstable mother that the child doesnt know how to exist in case shes going to get punished or abused out of getting her reactions wrong.

The reappearance of identities are always directly connected to a retraumatizing or triggering event. The host/s of the body has changed at least three times, but most likely more times than that.

We dont remember the same memory chains to our childhood, some of us cant recall anything without a struggle from young age and some of us have second hand memories from writing down and hearing and visually seeing co-consciously someone else's childhood memories. None of us that front or are close to front have memories of explicit childhood trauma aside parental negligence and verbal abuse, just snapshot memories and second hand knowledge from people we no longer have access to.

All i need to be diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder is amnesia pertaining to personal information such as trauma events or forgetting/not knowing how old i am already, or forgetting an entire second story of a house i lived in and what happened there mundanely or otherwise or having no memories of living with one of my brothers growing up, amnesia of some levels between alters, primary identity and at least one (1) other identity or state that takes control of the body or situation regularly (yet i have several alters named and unnamed of different ages, genders, sexual orientation and species, whether or not we can or need to identify ourselves reliably to other people and its daily), and that it doesnt occur because of a physical condition (such as epilepsia) or any chemical substance use. That is literally all the criteria needed for the diagnosis. And you cant even comprehend a description of co-consciousness of two alters. Wtf is that??

My alters exist to protect me and mine, to deal with situations and lack of things we needed in our childhood, to protect me and mine to this very day when our host cannot handle a situation. Even if we can protect ourselves only through breaking down and switching all emotions off and calm the fuck down after being pushed that far we cant bear it. Or getting viscerally angry out of nowhere. Or flipping the switch and self harm. Or having unbearable emotion or reaction such as panicking and forcing a switch by leaving home and forcing a social alter to step in once we are outside. Magic! Immediately no panic or difficult feelings, happy mood and clear head and a whole different person! Imagine that! Fuck you for suggesting to me im intentionally, yet apparently also according to you: without control over it (pray tell how is that intentional when there is no control over it) creating identities to deal with trauma as if by the way you wanna word it, it somehow becomes not a dissociative trauma response from childhood but some extensive and ellaborate child's game and is thus the child's fault and purely imaginative?

Ugh, im getting a headache.

PDF link describing what the structured stages of dissociation mean and entail in finnish.

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