Bruce is coparenting literally all this children.
He coparents Dick with Clark.
He coparents Jason and Damian with Talia
He coparents Tim with Lady Shiva
He coparents Steph with her literal mom
He coparents Barbara with her literal dad
He coparents Duke with Luke
Cass is like the only child that he is the sole custodian over lol.
From now on I absolutely headcanon that Bruce has shared custody with all of them but Cass and has to constantly remember pick up and drop off times for 7 different children across 6 coparents.
(Yes I choose to believe Bruce must pick up and drop off his adult children as well fight me)
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Have you seen the tiktok going around that's a guy talking to his kids like "The more you sass me, the more I'm gonna flirt with your mother!" That but it's Bruce threatening to leave his comms on deliberately when he's around Selina if the baby bats don't start behaving themselves on patrol.
Bruce: The more you sass me, the more I'm gonna flirt with your parents.
Dick: Jokes on you, I'm an orphan.
Bruce: Alright then.
Bruce: *flirts with Commissioner Gordon*
Bruce: *flirts with Barry*
Bruce: *goes to space*
Bruce: *flirts with Luand'r*
Dick: STOP THOSE ARE MY IN-LAWS!
———————
Cass: *blinks*
Bruce: That's it. I've had it with your attitude.
Bruce: *goes out with Lady Shiva*
———————
Bruce: *walks in with a bouquet of flowers*
Luke: Uh... what's all this for?
Bruce: Remember the other week when you called my prototype strobe light batarang stupid?
Luke: ...Because it is?
Bruce: Well, guess what?
Bruce: *gives the flowers to Lucius*
———————
Jason: And what if I don't? What are you gonna do, let me die again?
Bruce: No.
Bruce: *opens Grindr*
Jason: You wouldn't.
Bruce: Oh yes I would.
Bruce: *slides into Ollie's DMs*
———————
Tim: It's a good thing I never introduced you to Bernard's family.
Bruce: I could always look them up in the phone book.
Tim: What year are you living in?
Bruce: I'm just kidding. I'll be back in an hour. Hold down the fort for me, m'kay buddy?
Tim: Yeah, sure.
[an hour later]
Bruce: *walks in holding hands with Lex Luthor and Max Mercury*
Tim: What the...?
Bruce: I still know your best friends' parents.
Lex: This is what you handcuffed me for?
Bruce: Shush, I'm making a point.
———————
Bruce: We go in on my signal.
Steph: This is my dad we're talking about. I'm not gonna sit around and risk him getting away.
Steph: *swings onto the scene*
Bruce: *follows her*
Steph: Stop right there, Cluemaster—BATMAN WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Bruce: *sweeps Arthur off his feet*
———————
Bruce: *lecturing Damian*
Damian: Tt.
Bruce: One second.
Bruce: *pulls out his phone*
Bruce: Hey Talia, I was wondering if you had dinner plans tonight?....Yes, Damian is misbehaving again.....7:30? Perfect!
———————
Duke: You've never met my friends' or girlfriend's parents and Jokerized people can't consent, so...
Bruce: *turns on the computer*
Bruce: *emails the immortal entity Gnomon*
Bruce: *gets a reply*
Bruce: Alfred, fetch my tux.
———————
The voice in Bruce's head: *says mean things*
Bruce: Oh yeah? Well how do you like THIS?
Bruce: *proposes to Selina*
———————
Holly: *flips him off*
Bruce: *proposes to Selina*
Selina: Again? That's the second time today.
———————
Julia: You're nothing a bloody angst-addled egotistical baby twat!
Bruce: *looks at her*
Bruce: *looks at Alfred*
Bruce: This isn't gonna work.
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Headcanon for the Batkids, after watching Star Wars:
Duke, holding a yellow lightsaber: All the poetry you waxed about friendship and loyalty, were all lies, weren’t they?
Steph, holding a purple lightsaber: In this case yes; Jason promised he’d cook for me if we win.
Damian, holding a green lightsaber: When we win.
Dick, holding a blue lightsaber: I trusted you! How could you side with him?
Damian: It was a logical decision to side with the winning team.
Jason, holding a red lightsaber: See, the kid gets it.
Tim, holding a black lightsaber: You forgot one thing.
Jason: Which is?
Tim: Cass is on our side.
Cass appears with a white lightsaber:
Bonus:
Luke: I get you’re mad Bruce, really, I do.
Luke: I didn’t even realize the little tyke Tim was tricking me when he asked me to help him make the lasers he used for the lightsabers, I thought it was for a W.E. project.
Bruce: That’s fair Tim’s lies can be very convincing at times.
Bruce: I can’t even scold them because they had adult permission.
Bruce turns to Kate: You consented to this?
Kate: I’m not gonna lie, I just wanted to see them duke it out.
Bruce: *sighs in Tired Dad TM*
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I think I've now illustrated/papercraft every corner of this scene now. But it's such a great contrast to Night-Glimmer (shown side-by-side on the last slide). In Night-Glimmer, we're in Evangeline's perspective as Jacks carries her to a warm and safe tree-house. But turn the camera around, and from Jacks's POV, we see a dark void behind him, surrounded by the snow-tipped pine trees, a trapped feeling, stars hanging out of reach. It's still touches on the magical aspects of this scene, but frames a very different perspective!
This piece is officially licensed and available in both shops (link in bio!)
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What are the batfam's culture shocks when they go to England with Alfred?
Alfred: Here we are!
Bruce: *hyperventilating over people driving on the wrong side*
Steph: These portion sizes aren't nearly enough.
Bette: At least they got your order right. I asked for fish and chips but they gave me fries instead.
Damian: *struggling with the chasm between the train and the platform*
Barbara: Ugh, why are the sidewalks so narrow?
Harper: What, no countdown voice at crosswalks? Rude.
Duke: *puts ice in his tea*
Tim: Bernard hung up on me because apparently "it's 4 AM in Gotham."
Carrie: Hey, that cop forgot his gun.
Dick: What's a Tesco?
Kate: I gotta admit, the chocolate here is a step up.
Selina: I should move here. These houses look stupid easy to break into.
Cullen: *downloading a VPN for American Netflix*
Luke: So you use miles for distance but kilograms for weight? Make it make sense.
Jason: Casual swearing, fuck yeah!
Helena: *trying to pronounce "Leicester"*
Cass: *getting rained on*
Alfred, eye twitching: Home sweet home.
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