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#source: my brain
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Solar: What’s Christmas?
Lunar: …
Moon: …
Sun: …
Earth: …
Ruin: …
Eclipse, in the background: How abused and neglected were you?
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mooncalf87 · 2 months
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Alastor: did you just start dating Angel because now I will feel bad if I take you away from the hotel
Husk, purring, his head in Angels lap: nah thats just a plus
Angel: suck it bitch
Alastor: I would hurt you if Charlie wouldn't kill me as a result
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romanoffshouse · 2 months
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Tony: Y/N, your phone is ringing.
Y/N: Who is it?
Tony: It says "mommy is calling".
Y/N: Oh, it's Natasha.
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ralvezfanatic · 2 months
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Y/N, to Spencer while straddling his lap: Glasses stay on during sex.
Spencer, who was about to take his glasses off: Oh, um.. okay.
Y/N: Wait I meant that as in my glasses. I'm blind as fuck.
Spencer, slightly confused: Oh. *moves his hand to take his glasses off*
Y/N: Wait no, keep yours on too, they're super hot
Spencer, still confused and now flustered: ...
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f1incorrects · 1 month
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Carlos: *handing Lewis a clown wig*
Lewis: What the hell is that for?
Carlos: You're gonna need that for Ferrari next year. To match the vibes you know.
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togrowoldinv · 2 months
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Natasha, to the team: I am absolutely not a sappy person
Natasha, when y/n is around: Do you even know how much I love you?
Y/n: How much, babe?
Natasha: I haven’t figured it out yet since I’m pretty sure the limit does not exist
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timdrake-yumm · 1 year
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Dick: *walks into the room to see Tim with his face in his hands, seemingly hiding from the world, and Jason definitely laughing way harder than necessary* uhhh what’s going on?
Jason: Tim was-Tim was tryin’ to remember what STEM stands for, right?
Dick: okay? And?
Jason: so he goes- he goes “Science, Technology, Engineering and—”
Tim: *finally looking up, seems dead inside but with a manic gleam you can only get from an unholy combination of sleep deprivation and pure embarrassment* Magic! I said magic! What kind of- I’m such an idiot! *puts his head in his hands again*
Damian: t-t, surely you know that the ‘M’ stands for Mathematics, not even you can be that dumb
Tim: I know- *looks up sharply* WAIT, did you just compliment me?!
Damian: don’t be ridiculous Drake, you must be more sleep deprived than I thought. Come, you must not wither away here; Pennyworth has already prepared your room for you and it would be rude to dawdle
*a confident Damian and a confused Tim leave the room. Dick and Jason look at each other, baffled*
Dick: what just happened?
Jason: I have no idea
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siriusly-remu · 2 months
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james: remus, how did you finish all your work so fast? remus, without missing a beat: gay determination james: ... james: all i have is gay procrastination :(
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yoursleepyass · 1 year
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Demon: Sir,we've got a Winchester.
Crowley: Which one?
Demon: the tall one.
Crowley: which one they're both tall!
Demon: oh,uh...the gay one..I guess?
Crowley: WHICH ONE THEY'RE BOTH GAY
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esmerxyaugusta · 25 days
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y/n: do you ever wonder where birds go at night or where they live?
nat: no.... but they live in trees... i think..
y/n: well guess what! i never think abt birds and when i do.
y/n: i feel like birds just un-spawn at night and respawn in the morning and annoy us to our deaths...
nat: ......
i was thinking abt this in the car before...
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luvbazkrekker · 3 months
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JJK fake tweets!! | pt.1
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
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Solar: What do you have, Eclipse?
Eclipse: Um…
Eclipse: Certainly didn’t adopt an entire litter of puppies?
Solar: What breed?
Eclipse: …Miniature dachshunds.
Solar: How big of a litter?
Eclipse: ……8.
Solar: Fine, you can keep them.
Eclipse, quietly: Yes!
Eclipse: Hear that, babies, Daddy can keep you.
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ucanbanything · 2 months
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Nick and Charlie are out for a walk with Nellie.
Nick: "Charlie, I should've told you every day from the moment I met you... I love you."
Charlie: "Jesus, Nick. We've been together for three years now. Where does this come from all of a sudden?"
Nick:
Charlie: "Did you watch Pirates of the caribbean again last night?"
Nick:
Charlie:
Nick: "Yeah."
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romanoffshouse · 10 months
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Tony: What's the worst pick up line you ever used?
Y/N: "Hey, you owe me a drink! Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine."
Tony: [laughing] Did it work?
Natasha: It did.
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nixster627 · 10 months
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Nie Huaisang: Wei-xiong, when did you get a new shirt?
Wei Wuxian: It's not new. Lan Zhan said I've had it forever. I must have just forgotten about it.
*LATER*
Nie Huaisang: How long have you been gaslighting Wei-xiong so that you can buy him clothes?
Lan Wangji: If I don't then he won't let me spoil him.
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f1incorrects · 7 months
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Yuki: I have a gun and I don't know how to use it!
Franz: Who gave Yuki a gun?!
Daniel: *giggling menacingly*
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