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#sorry im a terrible person i cant get mad at other people for feeling bad or having problems but
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To me personally malistaire is the funniest and most pathetic villain wizard101 has ever had AND I MEAN THAT SINCERELY!!! Between doomed children who have been manipulated, groomed, and isolated into becoming products of their environments, someone scorned who has been punished unfairly by having your biological heart torn out your chest and turning your children and all of reality against you to satiate their own ego, a nonhuman entity so powerful and so clueless they unintentionally threaten the lives of everyone around them, Malistaire FELL DOWN BRO. Like yeah you're bitchless now. You and me both. Get in line. Everyone in this room is bitchless. We are ALL living that ✨💅🏾💃🕺 Single Life™. You are a middle-aged man. Cope
#this post is lighthearted btw JELAJWODJTU i aint actually mad#but like...... malistaire as a villain is kinda mid though im sorry. IM SORRY ill take the L opinion if i have to#its one thing if he lost his wife to unfair systematic negligence or thru someone else's doings or smth but. no she just got sick bro 😐#HWMSNFLEKSDIDOA EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I WILL GIVW A BAD OPINION AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM. i cant be right ALL the time /j#like if i dont focus on malistaire's motives and just his ACTIONS he seems super metal#but then he does ALLLLL of that heinous shit because his wife died. like thats absolutely very sad but damn get a grip#(fandom starts breaking in my windows and drags me out into the street) IM SORRY IM SORRY LOOK ITS JUST NOT MY CUP OF TEA#ive never been invested in those Mr. Freeze types of villains where a person they love dies due to normal circumstances-#and they go fucking BERSERK. they LOSE IT. they go like “well okay fuck the entire world i guess nothing matters” and then kill people#LIKE IF IT'S DONE IN A CERTAIN WAY I CAN BE INVESTED but more often than not to me? its just kind of funny#like “okay damn there was only ONE person keeping you from being a national criminal? okay”#and you know what? thats a mood actually. thats a mood#without my cat i probanly would have become the president by now#for some reason its a little diff for me if its like a child you lost and idk why#like if malistaire lost a kid instead of his wife id probably be more inclined to feel bad and thats terribly fucked up JSLSJSJSJ#you know what its also bias because in some shape or form i relate to all the other villains. morganthe and duncan especially#whereas in malitsaire's case i have never been married. which i mean doesnt stop me from tryna be more synpathetic i guess but im just not#ONCE AGAIN FEEL VERY BAD FOR HIM AND SULVIA. like losing someone to sickness or any reason really is a serious thing#but in terms of a fictional setting with fictional characters where one of them decides to commit genocide over it? 🧍 like okay boo u do u#i will gladly give up my mantle for the “most reasonable opinions” guy in the fandom foe this one. i deserve it#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts#malistaire drake
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kyokikia · 3 months
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Im curious, do people even write for uta? Do people like uta at all?? If you cant tell, she's my favorite female character! I dont see anyone talking about her 😭😭
i might write for her if someone requests it (when requests are back open) but she might be the only one piece female i would ever write for so, sorry for that
Has anyone else on here watched film red? I wanna talk about it with someone because its one of my favorite movies, currently listening to new genesis as i speak (ado's singing was HEAVENLY in the movie)
Ado's singing is so heavenly, and she honestly captured the supposed greatness of uta's voice PERFECTLY. I watched the movie in sub so i couldnt hear amalee dubbing uts, but honestly, i listened to amalee's covers of the songs, and i think the dub watchers were robbed from hearing amalee's covers. She covered all the songs PERFECTLY! She did the spell part of tot musica perfectly aswell and i adore Amalee's and Ado's works so much!
SPOILERS UNDER KEEP READING FOR ONE PIECE: FILM RED
I think she's a little crazy but i love her a lot, what she did in the movie is honestly justifiable. I love her design so much, i wanna cosplay her but i got my bills to pay 😭 i'll do it once i get extra money tho, anyway, i feel so bad for her because for years she thought that shanks had abandoned her but turns out she was manipulated into singing tot musica by the people of Elegia 😭 i feel so bad knowing on how much she probably blamed herself for what happened but it wasnt her fault at all
Shanks is so selfless i swear, the way he just chose to take the blame instead so uta wouldn't blame herself and so she could make other people happy with her voice aswell 😭♥️
Watching uta descend into madness, as her mental health and physical state reach its absolute lowest was so heartbreaking (but the movie was so cool to watch!)
As you probably know, the wakeshrooms cause the person who eats them to stay awake until they die, and makes them more aggravated and brings out their negative emotions more, so i can see why she became more deranged as the movie went on. i feel so bad for her she deserves better 😭 i see why she was driven into madness after meeting shanks after all those years
Being kept on that island for so many years mustve been so depressing, so she was in a bad mental state most of her life. Kept alone, isolated with the entire world other than Gordon, not knowing anything going on in the world is so sad
I can see why she hates pirates so much, seeing as she cares so much about her fans (that she would trap them in the sing sing world just so they wouldnt have to deal with pirates anymore and for a 'new era' which she had good intentions with, but honestly it wasnt that great of an idea) she had the idea that all pirates were bad, and seeing all her fans sending her video mail about it probably amplified her hatred.
I took notice on how by the time uta had to sing tot musica, she was in her absolute worst mental and physical state, some of the words were linked together some words were messed up, i think ado captured on how much of a terrible state uta was in by the time she was forced to sing the song perfectly, i adore ado's singing in film red so much
I might've misunderstood uta honestly, i might've done her wrong in this post, i also realize this entire post is a rant but oh well i honestly just wanted to talk about her, anyone wanna tell me their thoughts on film red?
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pixlokita · 8 months
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im with you, i hate that it feels like its gregory vs cassie in the fandom rn. theyre KIDS.
i also dont think its gregory in the main(?) ending (there are so many things that make it not make sense for it to be him), and it bothers me so much that people are pouncing on “gregory is evil” - he is a CHILD.
i really hope people dont pester you about drawing them as friends, i personally would love some art from you with them being friends <3 as much as i am a fan of the angst potential of that ending, cassie being tricked by the mimic (grimic? is that actually the canon name..?) one last time to pit her against gregory when really neither side did anything wrong is far moe interesting in concept than “gregorys just evil” could ever be imo.
i personally love feral/menace gregory, but hes not evil - again, hes a kid! and hes been in terrible circumstances! im not sure i could even really be mad if that WAS him in the elevator - a genuinely terrifying threat was released, and he might not be able to trust cassies voice, just like she couldnt trust his. we know cassie was okay, that the mimic wasnt with her (well, aside from the arm), but gregory had no way of knowing any of that.
seemingly, hes with vanessa and freddy. if he risked it and it WAS the mimic and not cassie, he could lose everything and more all over again. i cant imagine being a kid having to make such an awful decision. keep your current family safe, or risk everything in case your best friend somehow made it?
he knows how dangerous the plex is. and i can only imagine how much more dangerous hed expect it to be now. he barely made it out with freddys help, and as far as he knows, cassie doesnt have someone there to help her.
i feel so bad for gregory, both in-game, and in the fandom! he doesnt deserve all this hate.
sorry, that wasnt supposed to be a tangent - my point is im a gregory defender and 100% on your side. i hope no one is a prick about you drawing cassie and gregory as friends. ill personally fight them for u pix i promise
I agree with a lot of what you said tbh and heck dude Gregory is indeed a child, he’s even had to do things he didn’t want to do and got the short end of the stick every time. Cassie is a bean also, like she didn’t deserve to be tricked she didn’t deserve to be traumatized and she didn’t deserve to also get the short end of the stick either. It’s just I just really can’t accept that Gregory would do that to her either and ? If I’m wrong then okay? But like that’s just what I chose to believe and what I chose to draw I don’t get why people have to prove me wrong about it or pull lore nonsense into it to make sure I feel like I’m wrong. I mean =w= even retorting to insults like we’re in kindergarten is just ridiculous?Plus other people being stupid made me give up on interacting with anyone on that particular art piece. I felt like the end of ruin wasn’t satisfying so I drew art to feel better and try to understand it better and people took it personally =w= very mature honestly, they could just make their own art and leave mine alone.
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tortademaracuya · 3 years
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So what Im getting from the universe is that I shouldnt sleep anymore because everything goes to shit okay then
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ouma-kichi · 3 years
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Heey! Everything fine..?
I hope! Can you do Shuichi with a male S/O who always get in fights for him? (Like, to protect him 4 bad people) I don't know if you get it, i'm awful at explaining... And my english is terrible, sorry..
awwww babe dont be ashamed of your english, i totally understood it! it’s perfectly fine i PROMISE you !!!! and i love this idea sm aw boyfriends
Shuichi Saihara getting into fights to protect a Male!Reader
Info/Warnings: no warnings really, some cursing bc its me lolol, reader is male with he/him pronouns!
EDIT: OMG BYE IM SO DUMB YOU MEANT IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND AOFJUSHFSKJF I’LL DO THIS REQUEST AGAIN FOR U BBY
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shuichi does NOT like to be confrontational whatsoever, but fuck man
he just looks at you. your hands, your eyes, your (gasp!) lips, the freckles and birthmarks and scars, everything about you. you’re just so handsome and cute and pretty and sweet and and and
and he just has this overwhelming urge to protect you
and he’s barely willing to fight for himself, he’s so unsure and anxious but it’s so different when it comes to you..
he’d fight for you till the end of time or walk to the ends of the earth to protect you, it’s like he becomes a different person when he sees you get hurt by someone
if he ever hears someone disagree with you for no reason or undermine your intelligence, he immediately uses his lil detective boy brain to prove exactly why they’re completely wrong and why his bbyboy is right
(this is bouta be so ooc bc i can’t script shuichi dialogue byeee) “no, THAT’S WRONG! you’re uneducated and uninformed, which is why you can’t respond in any meaningful way without making him feel bad about himself. you made your arguments with no trustworthy proof, show me your proof !!” yknow ? class trial type beat
he just. he cant help it... how could someone try to make you feel shitty ? you’re so good and you’re so sweet to him and he’s so happy you’re his boyfriend and HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND WOWOW
his love for you is so BIG, you make him feel smart and you trust him so much, he almost feels obligated to protect you and prove your intelligence
he listens to people argue with you, and he observes them, and he knows when they’re making shit up
it’s kinda part of becoming a detective that, to an extent at the very least, he needs to understand body language. he understands nonverbal cues, and he is extremely observant! so when people are just pulling shit out of their ass, he KNOWWSSSSS
and it gets him into trouble bc he sees all their nonverbal cues
its like his brain keeps going “the uptick in their fidgeting and itching can be indicative of anxiety, irritation, or deception
their voice’s pitch hiked up when they started their claim, meaning their nervous
their volume raised after my boyfriend responded to their argument, indicating their getting defensive
their eyes keep flicking from him to the floor during important parts of their argument, common unconscious behavior of lying”
and fuckkkkk if he knows this bitch is lying why would he NOT point it out? why would he NOT fight for you????
so he just says EVERYTHING, not because he’s not thinking, but because he’s thinking so much and so fast
and it makes you kinda nervous bc what if !! someone gets super mad at him !! and tries to hurt him not even just verbally but physically !! you get super super scared for your lil boyfie bc what r u gonna do if he gets into a fistfight !!!!!!!!!
but he just keeps reassuring you that he’ll be okay, and that he can’t let you get hurt by some fuckin idiot like that ! you’re both flattered and anxious bc wow this guy REALLY LOVES ME hes willing to fight for me but... oh god hes willing to FIGHT FOR ME.....
his stupid gay ass just cares so much for you, he could never watch you be sad bc it would just make him so upset !!!! so he tries !! everything in his power !! to make sure !!! you never get hurt !!!!!!!
so he keeps fighting people with no remorse
so he can make sure his boyfriend and his baby and his love and his darling and his honey never feels unsure or unsmart
don’t worry lil babie bc shuichi will fight for you, not with fists but with his argumentative skills and psychological observations !
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crowtrinkets · 3 years
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Your Weary Widow Marches
A Gender Neutral MCxFelix fic in which our dear barista educates their teacher and shows him some music from their home.
I’ve never really written fanfiction before but I thought Id give it a shot. The formatting looks weird on my end so if it looks weird after posting I apologize I couldn’t figure it out. Hope you enjoy!
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The crackling fire and pages being turned were the only sounds heard for the past few hours. Felix and I sat on either side of a couch placed in Anisa’s office silently reading our respective books. I’ve been in Astraea for nearly a week and had I known that Felix’s teaching method would be done via reading books the size of an encyclopedia I probably would have chosen Sage or Anisa instead... probably
I glance up at Felix, he’s sitting with legs crossed slouching on the arm rest of the couch, glasses on and enthralled in his book. I'm leaning with my back against the arm rest facing Felix, peering at him from behind my knees. I watch as his eyes scan the pages, partially hiding behind my book so he doesn’t notice me stare. I rub my eyes, dry from the endless reading of Astraean history. I know plenty of history and lore from this world thanks to countless hours of playing Last Legacy and stalking forums, but I don’t think I could’ve convinced Felix of that without having to explain what video games are let alone the internet. He thought if I were to learn magic I should at least know part of its history and it’s contribution to their society. 
Despite spending some time with Felix I'm still amazed at the attention span he has for reading. I scan the room trying not to move too much lest I be scolded by the warden. I glance over at the high back chair across the room. The one Anisa sat me in after my jaunt through Felix’s portal and painfully onto Anisa's desk. My mind begins to wander. 
I’ve only been here a short time but I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I wonder what's happening on Earth. Does time pass the same at home like how it does in this realm? World? Alternate universe? I still don’t exactly know how to explain my predicament. Has anyone noticed I'm gone yet? I wonder if I’m on the missing persons list, someone at work will have noticed I didn’t show up for my shifts. I cringe slightly at that last thought, my open book now resting on my chest. Ah damn it, I’m definitely fired aren’t I. How am I gonna pay my bills.... and my home, I miss my bed....my plants. SHIT MY PLANTS. I bring my hand to my face and cringe, my beloved house plants they’re going to wither away in my absence. Fate is such a cruel mistress.
“Bored of reading are we?” I slightly jump at Felix’s comment. I bring my hand down and look at him. Staring at me through his glasses a smirk on his lips. I flush slightly and close my book.
“No I just, got to thinking about Earth, and my life, I guess I’m just a little home sick,” I mumble out those last words. I want to be honest with Felix but I don’t want him beating himself up for my situation. I mean yes he is the reason I’m stuck here but I don't hate him for it. Felix frowns and closes his own book.
“Ah... I am sorry about that, I-“ I sit up interrupting him.
“No no no, I'm not mad at you, I’m actually quite enjoying my time here. I mean I don’t have to make drinks for annoying customers everyday here,” I force a laugh but it comes out awkwardly. Felix gives me a quizzical look. I then realize, with the amount of times he calls “dear barista” I just assumed he knew what it meant. “Yknow, my job? A barista?” Felix flushes and avoids looking at me.
“I must admit.. I do not actually know what that is,” I cant help but chuckle, the great necromancer Felix, is embarrassed to not know something.
“Well my dear teacher," I emphasize the word teacher mimicking the way he calls me, "allow me to educate you on some Earth information,” I sit cross legged and scoot closer to him book in my lap. Felix adjusts to face me properly and removes his glasses. I clear my throat and smile at him. “My part time occupation of being a Barista, requires me to make drinks for customers and sell them, more often I make coffee but sometimes people order tea. We sell pastries as well,” Felix gives me yet another confused look.
“All you do is prepare drinks and flakey confectioneries?” I nod in response with a smile, I can only imagine what he assumed a Barista was. Felix chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “All this time I thought it was something more complicated, you described your customers as being annoying? I am assuming you do not like this particular job?”
“Well, I don't hate it but the customers can get a little rude and for the dumbest reasons too. One time a woman threw her drink at me claiming I added 3 1/2 shots of espresso and rather than 3,” I laugh to my self looking back at the memory, chuckling more when I see Felix’s horrified expression.
“A woman... threw a drink at you? Because she deemed it made incorrectly? I did not except Earth customs to be so. . . Barbaric,” Felix looks at me astonished and confused but all I can do is laugh. “And why are you laughing? Are you alright did she hit your head when she assaulted you with a beverage?” Felix is now standing while I clutch my stomach in pain, the combination of the story and Felix’s confusion is too much to bare. After a minute I manage to calm down enough to speak.
“No no, she did not hit me in the head, I’m just laughing cause it was funny, well at the time it wasn’t but my co workers took pictures and I looked ridiculous. I can laugh about it now,” I wipe a stray tear from my eye as I recount the experience. Thank god her drink was iced. 
“Picture?” Felix chimes in. I try to think of how to explain how photography works but I come up with an idea.
“Why don’t I show you?” I stand handing Felix my book and I jaunt over to Anisa’s desk. I let her peruse my backpack because she seemed so interested in my “Earthly items” as she called them. I walked back over and sit on the floor, patting the ground next to me so Felix can join. 
“You known there is a perfectly good sofa right next to you, I don’t understand why you wish to sit on the ground like we are mere children,” but despite his protests Felix sits next to me still clutching our books. I rummage through my back tossing the other items to the side. My wallet, a flyer, a jacket, that granola bar which has definitely crumbled to pieces in its package. Until I finally find it, my phone. My first night here I instinctively tried to use it, forgetting I am now stuck in a world without wifi or cell towers. In an effort to hopefully conserve its battery I hard shut off my phone I did not think I would need it but now is an opportunity for me to educate Felix about my world rather than his and tell him a little about myself. Really I just want a reason to prolong my time from reading anymore history. I hold the power button and silently pray. Please have some battery left, please please. Felix is leaning towards me, his face inching closer to mine, I glance at him studying his expression. He looks confused, and curious at the same time, there's a slight scrunch in his brow like he’s trying to seem like he understands what I’m doing, but I know he doesn’t. In that moment his eyes meet mine, I turn my head to fully face him, a blush creeps up his face and I can feel mine begin to warm as well. “Felix-“
BING
We both jump at the sound of my phone turning on. Damn phone, well I guess I kinda asked for that. Felix sits back and clears his throat.
“Um, what, what is that?” His voice wavers slightly but I choose to ignore it to save him some dignity.
“Its my phone, on Earth nearly everyone has one of these. You can use it to communicate with other people, take pictures, look things up, and listen to music.” I begin to unlock it and open my photo album.
“You can communicate with other people? On this... this flat brick?” Felix points accusatory at my phone the scrunch in his eyebrows have intensified creating deep crevices on his forehead. I nod while I scroll through trying to find the photo. 
“Yup and take pictures, such as this one,” I turn my phone to face Felix revealing the image documenting the after affects of being assaulted with coffee. He leans over to get a better look. In the picture I'm standing by the cash register, soaked through my clothes in an extra large coffee's amount of liquid. The brown liquid stains my apron and the parts on my white shirt poking out from underneath. There's smeared whipped cream going across my shoulder up my neck and partially along my jaw, and the scowl on my face could kill a man. The instant I show the picture to Felix he plants a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He turns away in an attempt to hide his amusement but I know he wont last.
“Im-I must apologize I did not mean to laugh but, but the look on your face is hilarious,” Felix faces me again trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand. I start to chuckle, I turn the phone back to me and swipe to the next picture. Its a similar picture but in this one my co worker put whipped cream on top of my head, something about it “completing the look”. When I show this picture to Felix it breaks his terrible attempt of remaining poise. He laughs loudly, and it’s extremely contagious. I laugh along with him reminiscing in his beautiful laugh. Every once in a while we calm down until we look at the picture and we start up again. After a bit I’m able to calm down enough to speak.
“Don’t feel bad for laughing, at the time I was pissed but my co workers cheered me up and now I have these memories to laugh at,” I start to look through my album again as Felix calms down from his laughing high. I find more pictures to show him. Some are of me at work with my co workers, one picture of me laughing as I held a dog that jumped through the drive through window. I show him more pictures, some are of earth sunsets which Felix claimed to look like they belong in a painting. I also show him a picture of some Geese I saw while on a walk, and then a picture of said Geese chasing me. This gets Felix to laugh again but not as hard.
“You lead an interesting life on Earth, it seems similar to Sage you are also prone to provoke others into attacking you,” I roll my eyes at Felix’s joke and give him a friendly shoulder bump. Its at this moment I realize how close he’s sitting. Our books set aside and Felix is leaning on one arm politely looking over my shoulder at my phone, I can tell he doesn’t really understand how it works but it seems he’s enjoying this moment to much to ask. In an attempt to keep the sweet moment I change the subject.
“Hey do you want to listen to some Earth music?” With a nod from Felix I close the app and instinctively go to press my streaming app. Damn no Internet. I think for a second and remember I have some music I bought in times before streaming apps existed. I find the app and open it. Dear god my taste was cringey. I scroll through the songs until I stumble across a less than embarrassing song. “This is a classic where I come from, everyone has heard this song at least once. I lay back onto the floor so I can properly listen to the music. Felix looks at me and awkwardly lays down as well, I click on the song allowing it to play.
Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Felix gives me a puzzled look but I just shrug and look up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and take in the song as it plays. If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine my self back on Earth. Sitting in my room listening to 80s music while I do laundry or cook my dinner. I start to feel nostalgic again but I try not let my emotions take over. The song ends and I pause it before it plays the next song. I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand.
“So what’d you think?” I beam at Felix, I genuinely want to know what he thinks of Earth music, and more specifically a song that I am quite fond of. Felix is laying flat on his back, he ankles crossed and his hands laying on his chest. He looks nervous to be laying on the ground next to me but has made no attempts to leave.
“I thought it was... interesting to say the least. It had quite a captivating story although I was confused when the subject changed multiple times, and what exactly are they trying to “not stop believing” in” Felix does air quotes and seems genuinely enthralled in the “story” of the song. I smile and start to look for another song. 
“How about you choose the next one?” I tilt my phone towards him. Felix sits up at my question.
“I dont feel very well versed in Earth music though,” He mumbles. I shrug at his comment.
“Just pick one with a name that sounds interesting to you” I show Felix how to use the phone and hand it to him laying back down. I peek at Felix, he’s holding the phone in one hand and is scrolling with the other, he’s holding it like an old man. I watch his face, he’s thoroughly looking at every single song title and determining whether they are interesting or not. I find it... cute, his concentration face is cute. Oh if he caught me staring I know he would become a blubbering blushing mess, I mean I would be too. I close my eyes again as I wait for him to pick. 
“This one seems interesting,” I hum in response, but when Felix says the title out-loud and panic seizes through me. I sit up and shout WAIT but I'm too late. He already pressed it. And then I hear it.
That dreaded, infamous G note. Felix turns towards me surprised and hastily hands the phone to me, I pause it before another note can play.
“Hells MC what will that song make my head explode or something??? You nearly made my heart stop.” Felix takes a deep breath with his hand on his chest.
“I'm sorry, that song its kind of embarrassing actually,” I can feel myself flushing, I look away in embarrassment at the fact that I had that song downloaded and the fact that I nearly sent my teacher into cardiac arrest.
“Embarrassing how?” Felix looks at me puzzled. I open my mouth to speak but then stop. Hold on a second, Felix doesn’t know this band, let alone what an emo phase is. Well judging by his raven skull necklace he does but not in the way I do. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we listened to it. I do still like their music. But god did it HAVE to be this song. I clear my throat and look back at Felix.
“Nothing, it’s nothing I was just being dramatic,” I stifle a laugh. “We can listen to it, I actually quite like this band,” Felix nods and turns to face my direction, were now both sitting cross legged and I press play on the song. I smile a little as the song plays and close my eyes again. I cant even remember the last time I listened to this song. My mind begins to wander again, to my younger years when I first heard this song.
 I was such a try hard back then, wanting so badly to “be different” but also to mend the emotional pain I was going through, and this band really helped me through it. This song is a little more narrative than the last one so I hope Felix would like it. I can’t believe I freaked out like I did god he must think I'm crazy, or maybe that lady really did hit my head when she threw that drink at me. As the song plays I silently hum to it, quiet enough so that Felix might not hear. I drink in the lyrics and instruments and it feels like I'm listening to it again for the first time. 
The song ends and I open my eyes again to pause the music before it plays another one.
“So what did you think of tha-“ before I can continue I'm stopped by the sight of Felix’s face. His eyes are misty and his nose is colored pink. Was he... was he crying? Felix looks at me and his eyes go wide. He quickly turns away and rubs at his face.
“There-there is quite a lot of dust on this floor, honestly you would think Annie would have any sense to clean in here every once in a while,” I cant help but smile, wow he really is a goth child. 
“It’s ok Felix, this song makes me cry sometimes too,” Felix side eyes me and sniffles.
“I-I was not crying, yes I admit the song was... moving to say the least…. But, but I will not be mocked by you for my emotions,” Felix turns to face me again refusing to meet my eyes, his voice turning accusatory. I scoot closer to Felix and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks at me astonished and slightly flushed, either from the contact or the crying, I mean dust, I will never know.
“Congratulations” I say with a smile. Felix’s puzzled look twists even more.
“What ever are you talking about,” Felix questions.
“You’re emo now,”
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words-for-holland · 4 years
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Quarantine Series: Secret Cuts & Kisses
Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader
Summary: Y/N gets hurt...again but this time she tries to keep it on the down low from Tom.
A/N: The Songs in Our Life Part 1 comes out tomorrow. If you want to be in a taglist for TSOL or Quarantine Series send an ask or message!
Check the Rest : Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?|
Read TSOL -> (X)
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There are three types of people in this world. People that are clumsy, people that are accident prone, and then there’s Y/N, who happens to be all of the above and more.
“Man, Im starving.” Y/N stated out loud as she made her way down the kitchen. She had just finished up an hour long meeting for work, when her stomach decided it was time for a break. Harry was also sitting down at the kitchen, reviewing the script he and Tom were working so hard on creating. He looked up to see Y/N grab an avocado, onions, tomatoes, and limes. It was then that he knew exactly what she was making, and could only ask the most appropiate question.
“Can you make me some guac too?” Harry asked with a sheepish smile.
Y/N laughed out loud as she went to grab more in order to make enough for the both of them. “Why did I have a feeling you were gonna ask that?”, she questioned herself, shaking her head.
“Hey, its not my fault! You make the best kind. Better than Sam’s and that says a lot.” Harry defended.
“Whatever you say Harry.” She smiled as she focused on cutting the onions and tomatoes. Y/N then opened up and deseeded the first avocado with no problem. Sadly, the same couldnt have been said for second one. She had cupped the avocado half firmly in her hand , positioning the knife to make sure it hit the seed when she whacked it. Unfortunately, Y/N didnt realize how slippery the fruit was, when she whacked it. The blade went thru a part of the seed but slipped on to her hand. She could feel and see the cut forming on the palm of her hand and side of her thumb.
Y/N and Harry’s eyes widened at the trauma. Dont freak out! Dont freak out! Dont freak out! Y/N repeated over and over again as she worked quickly to run her injured hand under cold water. “I’ll go get Tom!” Harry yelled, as he was about to run after his older brother for help.”Tom! To—”
Y/N used her non-injured hand to grab Harry and stop him from panicking and calling Tom. “Shhh! Its fine! Im gonna be fine! Tom does not need to know about this.” She whispered yelled to him.
“Y/N! You just butchered your hand like it was a scene from Scream! You have to tell him!” Harry tried to convince you, but he forgot what she was like in situations like this.
“C’mon Harry. Think about it for a second. You know how Tom gets when I get hurt. He gets moody and pissed, like a mama bear. Its two cuts theyll heal.” Y/N hated telling anyone if she was hurt or sick. Seeing her family and friends worry about her, hurt her more than when she gets injured herself. Her motto was that she can always fix it and pretend like it didnt happen at all. “Just please please please dont say anything to him. Look they dont even need stiches.” She showed Harry her injured hand which still continued to drip blood down slowly.
Harry hated keeping secrets, but Y/N always had a way of persuading people. “Fine.” He grumbled. “But if Tom finds out he’s going to lose it with the both of us, me especially.”
“Who’s gonna lose what now?” Tom asked coming in with the most impeccable timing. Y/N and Harry froze as she slowly tried to throw away all the bloody paper towels she used
“Nothing!” The two yelled out.
Tom was indeed confused looking at the both of them, something was up and he was going to get to the bottom of it. “Nothing? Are you two sure about that?” He saw Y/N leaning over the sink when he saw paper towels with a red hue on them. It a moment to click until he put two and two together. His eyes widen at the realization, and rushed towards the sink, seeing his assumptions were correct.
“Damn it Y/N, what the bloody hell did you do to yourself!” Tom yelled, worry written all over his face. He picked up her injured hand carefully as he inspected the wounds.
“Relax Tom, it was an accident. The cuts are not that deep.” She stated, rolling her eyes.
“Everything with you is an accident.” He muttered. “I cant believe both of you were about to hide this from me.” Tom pointed at Harry, who now shows signs of fear as he raised his hands up in defeat. “And you, I’ll deal with you later.”
“Listen man, she was the one asking me to not say anything and I told her it was a bad idea.” Harry defended himself as he quickly left the room.
“Come here, let’s see if we can bandage them up.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s non-injured hand as he led her to their shared bedroom. He quickly grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom and started to clean up her wounds. “I hope you know Im still mad at you for keeping this away from me.” He said to her, eyes focusing on her cuts.
“Tom, Im sorry but this was what I was trying to avoid. Anytime I get hurt, you act like this. I just didnt want to see you upset or worry over nothing.” She winced as Tom rubbed her wounds with an alcohol pad.
“Sorry.” He muttered. “Of course Im gonna worry. It’s my job to worry about you. I want to be the person to take care of you when youre sick or injured, but I cant do that if you wont tell me. God, if anything happens to you...I —” Tom shook his head to get rid of the terrible thought.
“Hey” Y/N whispered. Tom looked up into her eyes, as she held his face with her uninjured hand. “Im okay. Im always going to be okay. No matter how many times I fall, bruise, bleed, whatever. You’re not the only tough guy around here.” She leaned in kiss his cheek, as Tom went back to fixing up her cuts.
“Does it hurt?” He asked rubbing small cricled on the back of her hand, after bandaging her hand.
Y/N shook her head. “Not really, just a little bit.” Tom picked up her hand, leaving a long soft and gently kiss on each band-aid covered cut.
“How about now?” He looked up, smiling.
“Better. Thank you for taking care of me.”
“Of course thats what superhero boyfriends are for right?” Tom chuckled as he stood up to kiss the top of Y/N’s head. He was about to put the first aid kit away until she stopped him, pulling the back of his shirt.
“Actually...I think my face is hurting a bit. Can you help me, Spiderman?” She smirked.
“Oh? Is it now? What happend to being a tough girl that can take care of herself?” He challenges, kneeling back down to her.
“Well this happens to be something only a hero can fix.”
“Where on the face does it hurt, pretty girl?” Tom question as the two continued to lean towards each other.
“The forehead.” She stated. “Think it might need another kiss.”
Tom smiled as he placed a soft kiss to where she pointed. “Better?” He asked.
“Kinda. The nose is hurting a bit now.” She pointed to the tip of her nose, where Tom place another soft kiss. He didnt waste any other minute, and kissed her the place where he wanted to kiss her the most. Tom pressed his lips against Y/N’s as her hand instinctly wrapped around his neck. She returned the kiss with the same amount of passion, and they stayed in this moment for what seemed like forever, only breaking the kiss when they needed to breathe.
“I dont know Tom, with the way things are going...I might have to get hurt more often.” Y/N joked, as she tried to catch her breath.
“How about...you try to stay out of trouble and Ill give you an even better time than this?” Tom compromised, laughing as his hands slipped under her shirt and gently caressed her sides. He looked her up and down, showing off that smoulder that always made Y/N weak in the knees.
“Better put me in a human bubble then.”
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wolferals · 4 years
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🦋you broke me first🦋
arón piper x chris wood x reader
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hello people, im back:)
at least for this chapter 🌸
hope you‘re all doing well and to some of y‘all, a happy new school year. Mine‘s starting on September 8th but I hope I can write some more until then🦋
for this chapter I‘ve combined my two babies, Arón and Chris Wood (some might know him as Kai from The Vampire Diaries)
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Alright lets start:)
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„They look like shit“ Itzan laughed next to you as you flipped your first chocolate chip pancake over. It did indeed look pretty bad but you were sure they‘d taste amazing anyway. Arón sat on the counter texting some people. „Stop it! Let me do my thing!“ you defended yourself and pushed Itzan aside so you could take a sip of your juice.
„Oh by the way, my boyfriend is coming over later.“
You spoke out of nowhere and Arón‘s head shot up.
He knew you had a boyfriend but he‘s never met him and he was 100% sure he didnt want to. He did have a girlfriend yes, but for some reason it bothered him to know that there‘s a man touching and kissing you.
You two had been good friends for years and even lived together but it was hard for him. He didnt even know if it was because he saw you as his little sister or something or maybe even because he secretly liked you more than expected.
Which bothered him even more since he was in a happy relationship.
„Oh thats nice!“ Omar stepped into the kitchen and looked over your shoulder to see the brown creation in the pan.
„Oy.“ he spoke which made you punch him in the shoulder.
„Cant wait to meet him finally.“ Itzan then said and smiled at you.
They all seemed so happy for you, that you finally had someone to talk to when they were gone, that you had someone who loved you.
You kept on making your pancakes and talked to the guys for a little until the doorbell rang. You knew it was Chris but since you were busy flipping the shit in the pan you asked Itzan to please open the door.
You heard your boyfriends voice say:“Hey is y/n here right now?“
And Itzan replied:“Yes in the kitchen, but be careful, she‘s cooking.“ You pouted at Arón which made him chuckle.
A second later the door opened and your beautiful boyfriend walked into the kitchen.
„Hey.“ he greeted Omar and Arón who were both staring at him.
„Hi honey.“ Chris then said to you and placed a kiss on your forehead while you were currently checking if the pancake was baked through.
„Hey.“ you smiled up at him and then turned around to look at the guys' reaction. Omar stood there, arms crossed, scanning your boyfriend like a hungry animal.
Arón on the other hand didnt seem to happy at the moment, since his face had dropped and he suddenly looked pretty mad.
„I‘m Chris.“ He then officially introduced himself and the guys shook hands with him. You just stood there, proudly looking at your boyfriend who seemed to be on their good side already.
You then had to turn back to the stove because of your burning pancakes and Chris placed his hand on your lower back while looking over your shoulder to check on what you‘re doing.
„It looks better than the first time.“
He started laughing and gave you a soft kiss on the neck which made you giggle as well. He made you happy. I mean, every girl would want a man like him. He was sweet, handsome as hell and the funniest person you‘ve ever met.
„Hey would you guys mind If I took a shower? I didnt get the chance after work.“
You nodded at him and the guys seemed to agree as well.
„You still got some clothes of mine right?“ He asked you before letting go of your back. You nodded again and spoke:“They‘re in my closet, my room is the second closest to the front door, left side. Bathroom is opposite.“
Chris gave you his million dollar smile and held you by the chin as he placed a soft kiss on your lips.
„Thanks. See you in a sec guys.“
And he disappeared into the hallway.
„I like him.“ Omar suddenly spoke and put both his hands on your shoulders.
„He‘s nice.“ Itzan added and they both smiled at you.
Other than Arón who still looked like he had just been fired. „Yeah he‘s really sweet.“ you blushed and couldnt stop smiling like an idiot.
„He‘s handsome too.“ Omar grinned and earned a laugh from your side.
Just as you were about to flip the last pancake the kitchen door opened and Chris stood there in only a towel.
His muscles were very much visible and you grinned to yourself at how hot your boyfriend was.
„Im sorry, how does that shower work? Y/n?“
You laughed, put the pan on low heat and walked him to the shower.
You explained it to him and closed the door behind you when you heard the water be turned on.
Just as you were about to enter the kitchen you heard Arón say something in Spanish. His voice sounded harsh, almost angry. But since you didn’t understand spanish, you could only hope it wasnt about you.
„You okay guys?“ you asked and looked at their faces.
Arón looked just as mad as before but Omar smiled and answered:“Everything‘s fine y/n.“
You returned to the stove but only seconds later Arón started ranting in Spanish again.
At first you tried to ignore it but then you heard Chris‘ name and turned around. „Whats the problem Arón?“
He just rolled his eyes at you.
Excuse me?
You were shocked at his sudden behavior. „Hello? Whats your issue here?“
Arón hopped off the counter and walked up to you.
Dangerously close he stopped and spoke:“Nothing‘s wrong here y/n. He is.“ before disappearing into his room.
You had no idea what to do now so you just pushed it aside and decided to talk to Arón as long as Chris was in the shower.
„Can you please finish here?“
Omar nodded and you left to go to Arón‘s room.
Carefully you knocked and got a grumpy „hm“.
You opened the door and saw him sitting on his desk with his phone.
„Arón? Whats wrong?“ you tried to sound as soft as possible.
He didnt reply so you closed the door again and sat down on his bed. „Talk to me. Why is he wrong here?“
Arón then finally turned to you. You could see pain in his eyes but you had no idea how to understand that.
„He‘s...“ He started but he voice sounded a little shaky so he stopped.
„Arón?“ you tried carefully but he just looked to the ground.
„I dont know, i just feel like he‘s wrong for you.“
You swallowed. Why would he think that?
„What do you mean?“ you asked and leaned forward.
He shrugged his shoulders before replying:“He‘s too... i dont know y/n it feels off. I dont like the way he looks at you, how he touches you.“
-„What do you mean by that Arón?“
He jumped off his chair and walked around the room with his hands behind his head. „I dont know!“ he suddenly yelled and looked at you.
„Arón you have a girlfriend yourself, i dont really get your point here.“ you laughed it off.
He fake laughed and came closer to you. „Sí but do you really think that she‘s what i want? I want y...“
He got cut off by a knock on the door.
Chris was now freshly showered, dressed and looked concerned.
„Are you okay? I heard some yelling.“
You hopped off Arón‘s bed and walked towards your boyfriend.
„We‘re fine. Just a talk between friends.“ you gave Arón a dangerous glare, knowing exactly what he had wanted to say to you.
And you were absolutely mad at him for bringing that up now that you had found a nice guy. If he hadnt been such an idiot you could‘ve tried to be a thing back then but he decided to date his girlfriend and broke your heart with it. You were in love with him for over a year and when you told him 3 months ago he had pushed you away and told you he didnt like you like that. So you had gotten over it and now found Chris, who treated you better than anyone ever could, not even Arón
And now he suddenly decided to confess his „feelings“ to you?!
You had every right to be mad.
„You good?“ Chris whispered into your ear when he could feel the tension in the room.
„Yeah. Better than ever. Its all clear now.“
You slammed the door shut and pulled Chris into your bedroom, trying to calm down.
„Whats wrong with him?“ he asked concerned.
So you pulled him towards the bed and took a deep breath.
„We met almost 2 years ago...“
And just like that you told him the entire story, knowing that Arón was sitting in his room, upset. You knew he felt terrible because you‘ve been trough it. You really wanted to feel bad but he had done the same to you when all you had was him. And you dont really care how bad it hurts because he broke you first.
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savnofilter · 4 years
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hey guys, i just wanted to speak up about something because i have been getting questions if i was well and stuff and im not really sure these days. mainly because i have become uncomfortable on this blog.
and i beg that people who dont like me, please do not spread things about me please or this because i thought i owe this to my followers.
the reason as to why i feel uncomfortable is because it really dawned upon me that being here doesnt make me happy anymore. and you could see in how flat my writing has become, or how my behavior often changes from happy to sad/low in a quick second.
and since after the summer, being on here has been almost terrible for me. like i use to have many friends, many people i talked to or felt like i created a bond with a lifetime, just kind of up and left me in the dust. while i finally took the time to focus on me for once, they used it against me, they got mad at me and its just hard to keep quiet about since it has always been my goal to talk about my feelings and now i dont think i can anymore, as to why im writing this to you guys tonight..
i will not get into depth (or specific) about it because i feel like the more i try to explain myself, the more twisted it becomes. and instead of helping me, it hurts me.
over the few months, i found when i was taking breaks to be happier. 
and its not the thought of you guys, it was more of like the lingering feeling of the way i was treated by people lingering on my blog. and im afraid if i feel like this still holds truth, i will be leaving this blog sooner or later.
in truth, i feel like ive been mistreated or even to the point where my feelings were so construed that it felt like i have been gaslighted over and over and over again. and honestly i am not as mentally or emotionally mature as many people on here, and some of them know that but it was never regarded.
im sad that this experience has come to this, because i really loved interacting, interacting with everyone and sharing my stories, but with the bad experiences on here has even turned my love/passion for writing down -- and even watching anime. i feel reminded every time i see certain blogs all over my feed, or like “hey im safe with these group of people” then they would pop up again. i felt like im some sort of villain or like an unintelligent-idiot who cant think for themselves. and while people who brainlessly follow those people can blindly hate me is fine, because i will never change who i am for anyone. ever. and i hate having to make posts like these because i feel bad for being so angsty and not being the sav that you guys know because while the brand “savnofilter” or “sav” is an extension of me, i sometimes feel so detached because of how shut out ive fell in this fandom for like 5 months now.
and i sincerely apologize to any new followers, i use to not be this down all the time but it really has been brought to my attention that the only social media that has heightened my anxiety, my depression, and even a part of illnesses i thought went away has resurfaced all because of what has happened associated to this blog.
whether it be being shut out and begging for help from the people i thought would be friends, or that i was kicked to the curve simply because i was not in the right state of mind and basically told me it was my fault for being that way.
and when it was fun, when i had friends it never felt like a chore for me on here. but as i lose support like that, it just hurts even though i have someone who stays beside me all the time. once you lose that, that, ground you start to compare yourself, like normal human nature i think. i started too look at my blog and be like “why arent i getting as much as before, what am i doing wrong, what is so bad about my stuff thats good with theres”. and part of the factor was that its odd, because it wasnt even a place of jealousy. it was one of, how did i fall to be so unimportant? so... immaterial. and it was like, each writer i fell out with, everyone just followed them and im left here trying my best to fill in their spots because i missed having that friend group, or friends with me. the only who really cared for me even with the biggest arguments and hoenstly it was because they were the only the one that cared for me. and i am not trying to cause discourse so please do not contact other people about this.
and as much as i stay at this point to irk the people who want me gone, i feel like the subtle unintentional (or intentional) bad vibes being brought to me is choking me up. and its doing well.
it just, it was so odd being treated like actual shit. like dog dooky shit. like if i was the poop on the sidewalk that you walk around and wonder who fucking took that massive shit, shit. and i was afraid to speak up about it because i was afraid of the backlash id get for having fucking feelings. 
from someone who went through some shit when i was younger, and built this barrier, to being repeatedly told over and over again that my feelings are invalid, to have people to tell me “i wont do that too you” and then do it to me just made me grow as a person. or die as a person. im not sure yet.
not only was it a mixture of people leaving me for shitty reasons, it was how stupid this fandom got. yeah, stupid. completely idiotic. of course there are people who sense-ful(?) and i love you a lot for it. but like ive said before, its unfair, there is no love like there use to be. people arent how they use to be. people put on a show, but once behind close doors its completely different. and if youre thinking of anyone in specific, youve got some shit to reevaluate. 
i was so scared to talk about it before because i was so scared at the backlash id get because i was so tired for being the hurt one and being called the bad guy. and im not blind to me being a bitch, but when i feel like ive done something im upfront about it. im rambling but this happens when i finally let my thoughts out.
and if ive been truthful, ive fallen out of my routine with meeting up with my therapist which may one of the reasons i let it run on this long without really getting a clear conscience. and like ive said before, i had thought it had to do with my life but honestly the only grief i get is being on here. 
to be honest, i have projects and requests i really want to complete before i even leave. so maybe its a while before i leave, maybe if it gets too much i’ll just go. i do not know. but 2020 is the year i finally want to take my own health over everyone else before i did before. and even with how hurt i am, i still hold so much love for these people. so much. but ive always been too loyal.
i am sorry for this sorrowful note, but i do not know how much longer i will stay. i love you all, have a blessed night.
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Text
Personal post...again
Tw: rape, eating disorder
And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.
I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.
It goes back to my teen years.
Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.
When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.
The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.
I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.
Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.
She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.
Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.
I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.
The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.
And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.
Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.
Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.
The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.
I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all
I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.
Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.
And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.
Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.
To this day, it's the same.
My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.
I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.
Beyond that though, I'm just tired.
I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.
Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.
Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.
Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.
Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished
Im tired. I just want it to end.
And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.
The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.
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blue-eyedangel21 · 3 years
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I’m sorry..
So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.
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balizardsnakething · 3 years
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TW DRAMA AND ME ACTING ON MY EMOTIONS CAUSE OF THIS POST 
Granted I did post this after sending her an apology and I’m glad I now have official confirmation that she has seen said apology. The very fact that I have sent an apology means that I had got over the situation and just didn’t care about it anymore. I also tagged @toomanyfamdom because we thought it was ✨funny✨ and have gotten over the situation (unlike some). 
It should also be noted that I haven’t had any contact with Maddy since everything that happened and at least had the decency to send an apology and move on. Also, for the record, I had nothing to do with that list of toxicity. That list was put together and shown to me by my friends. I then continued to FORWARD THE SAME MESSAGE to Maddy because I disagreed with the list. 
Let’s see, shall we? Up first on the list of hell that I had nothing to do with (and disagree with) there is... “inconsiderate of time zones and peoples family life.” This eventually turned out to be accurate, not just for me but for many others. Madison would organise events like DnD games at UNGODLY hours in the morning (because she is in American time zones) and when us British people were unable to turn up she would kick them from the game and then proceed to shame their character for an hour. Granted her uncle did pass (im very sorry for your loss), but that had nothing to do with anything. Many of us (including myself) helped Maddy and were there for her, and I have plenty of messages to prove it. 
ANOTHER thing to do with time is when I was added to one of the greatest Instagram group chats in the world! However, my sleep was abruptly ruined when Maddy group-called the chat at 4am because she wanted to play Minecraft with a friend. Please direct call next time... thanks. 
Whilst on the subject of time family life, one of the most memorable things this girl did was shame me and attack me on one of the discord servers we were both on. What made this even worse was that I had an audition for a London West End theatre school which had the power to change my LIFE. And Maddy knew this and also knew that it was worrying me and that I was extremely stressed about it. You may say ‘oh, it's just a coincidence’. If you believe that please explain why said post tagged everyone and was posted 5 mins before my audition. Maddy knew this would stress me out, I spoke about the audition and my ability to read into things many times before and she knew this would get to me! A lot of the things Maddy did were petty shit, but then again, that’s who she is. 
Next up is... “shows blatant favouritism.” Well, it’s no surprise Maddy has so many friends! But which ones does she actually care about? My friends and I witness this first hand on many occasions, one of which being another DnD game where she was the dungeon master. Maddy made the turn order by (and I quote’, “the order is in who I love the most.” This caused some of us to feel a little uncomfortable, but we continued until Maddy put each character on a path to different destinations and explained which each path was. By the time it got to me, my dyspraxia/dyslexia couldn't hold the information, and I asked Maddy to explain them all again. Maddy agreed and but then ended with, “You just used up you go, Charley.” I was so confused! Apparently, explanations waste a turn??? But this was fine by me until Maddy explained the destinations to another player, but this time, she let them choose where they wanted to go instead of keeping them on the bench, awaiting their turn. Maddy would also allow people to have longer goes/round claiming that there was more to their story. My turn would be around 2mins where someone else would be 5. Again, petty shit which still happens to make people upset. 
Note: It was not just me who felt this way! Many others slid into my dms because they felt upset with how Maddy treated others but not themselves. 
Up next is, “making your best friend feel like shit for making a joke”. Another reminder, this list wasn’t written by me, it was written by my friend who was watching from the outside. And this is very true. I would often make jokes with people about Donald Trump and America because their laws and president (not anymore) were stupid. This always seemed to annoy Maddy and hurt her feelings. I would often make a throwaway comment but end up feeling bad about it because Maddy would leave the call. I always felt like I was walking on thin ice with her because if I said something even remotely controversial, she would not speak to me and leave the call. This really hurt me because I cared about my friends a heck of a lot and never wanted to ruin any relationships with them. I would send countless messages to Maddy, apologising and crying to her, telling her not to be mad at me. THAT 👏🏻 IS 👏🏻 A 👏🏻 TOXIC 👏🏻 RELATIONSHIP 👏🏻 One joke shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of a friendship,, but that is what It always felt like! Also, Maddy never specified it was a trigger until recently, and even after she did say it was a trigger, I held back so she could feel comfortable. 
The final thing is: “made you feel bad for your emotions.” Madison needs to learn that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and that people deal with things in different ways. Not everyone is smart, sensitive or skinny like she is. Whenever anyone hurt my friends, I would lash out and act upon my emotions because I didn’t know what else to do. This is something Maddy heavily criticised me for and something that eventually resulted in me listening to high-frequency sounds so I could get rid of my emotions and feel numb. My logic was that I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again by jumping the gun and acting upon emotion. But thanks to others, I was pulled out of that loop, and I’ve learnt to use logic and reason as well as emotion. 
As for “breaking my heart”. Yes. Our friendship ending did hurt me, a lot. Just like everything with you, it is very one-sided. I was reaching out, listening and trying to help Maddy repair relationships with people whom she’d hurt. We both said equally bad things which made the ‘relationship’ toxic, and I would just like to point out that the name, ‘evil Maddy’ is cringe and I’m ashamed I was ever friends with you considering you used that in a callout post. /hj
---------------
Sarcasm aside, ima be real here because I am not afraid to tell my side of the story. So, @ thenameisnoone / Maddy. Here is a long-ass response to the post you made about me. xx
Look, I’m not going to call you out or use Politics_notmything to cancel you because I’m not like that. I’m an actual good person who really tried with Maddy and dis my best to change myself to make her feel comfortable. I left a group chat with all my friends for a week and blamed it on ‘family issues’ because I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I made an entire Birthday PowerPoint for her, which included some of my best and favourite bootlegs. I made a genuine effort, but Maddy didn't really do anything else but tell me to “calm down” or “not throw everything away and give in to anger or despair and calm down until you can think rationally and make a logical decision”. 
And I’m glad I actually saw this because this is a classic Maddy move. She argues with people, builds up a situation then removes/blocks them, so they cant see everything she’s saying about them (i have proof of this from a server im in.) It has happened before, and she manipulated people into believing her side of the story. 
“I am allowed to block people who lie to me about serious topics even though they have trust issues which makes them unable, to tell the truth, if it hurts them. I am allowed to talk to people who blow up on me before hearing my side of things where they would have realised what they thought is wrong even though I dont get back to people until 3am and decide to leave them on delivered/read for days at a time when I am happily talking in other servers. I am allowed to block people who accuse me of shit-talking them with my friends who I introduced them to (and I never do that) when I have only defended them and said friends genuinely were being nice to them even if they have proof. I am allowed to block people. Period.” - Maddy 
And I’m not saying Maddy isn't allowed to block people. It’s a free world. Im just defending myself :) 
Granted, Maddy did defend me and say that this situation shouldn’t change anyone opinions on me, and I can say the same. Just because I had a terrible experience with Maddy, doesn’t mean she is a bad person and I encourage anyone online who loves women’s’ history and WATT to befriend her. 
But being honest, she did also call me a bitch on a Tumblr callout post, so I had to come and write this all down for safekeeping and reblogging purposes. Im not a bitch, and that is why I’m not using my following to cancel her. But anyway,  we both had some shit experiences with each other so you can read this and make up your own mind even though I did back her up with the previous call-out post, sent her my support, apologised and didn’t block her when she was at a bad time in her life or when she needed help. If anyone has a problem with me posting this, please contact me via DM. 
Sorry, not sorry ‘bout what I said. I’m just tired of your petty shit.
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hey-hamlet · 5 years
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BNHA AU Ideas: Bamn! And the kid is 4
Also on AO3! 
TL;DR:  Izuku gets hits by a de-aging quirk and it turns out hes always been super cute.
izuku gets hit w a de-aging quirk back to like,, age 5-8
angst + fluff + dads happens
izuku, iida, bakugo, kiri and all might are getting groceries
not a great team for shopping but its like, just post internship pre cultural festival so its no a disaster
all might is there to make sure they dont do something stupid or get lost. he was kinda hesitant to go with them because he cant protect them anymore but they are little heroes! so they should be ok, right?
w r o n g
the villain attacks katsuki just outside the store, the only one of them that doesnt have a licence, izuku takes a hit for him and he and iida quickly take the villain down while kiri protects the bystanders
then izuku collapses and bakugo is ready to yell because if izuku takes one more hit for someone hes going to be the hit
all might runs over because even though its still dangerous he has a hero license (bc it hasnt been cancled yet because no one wanted to be the person to do it) and thats his s o n. iida is calling the people he should be calling
all might finds just, this tiny tiny green freckly mess in izuku's oversize clothing and he wants to cuss up a storm because FUCk hes liKe 6
bakugo runs over because all might looks like hes going to cry and hes not ready for that today and he sees this horrifically familiar face. he he does swear.
izuku looks so lost but he sees bakugo and he lights up!!
"kacchan!! youre so tall wow!!! so coool!!!"
and bakugo is going to scream bc f u c k hes so annoying and adorable. bakugo tells izuku that he is normally his age but got hit with a quirk that made him small and hes!! so excited!!
hes rambling about how cool the quirk is and wondering how long it lasts and how it works and allmight is just shell shocked still
"young bakugo, should we tell his mother?"
",,, inko is in america chasing down her husband to divorce him. i dont think she needs this shit right now"
"understandable"
kiri comes over bc whats happening? and he shrieks a little and hugs izuku
izuku is very lost but hes giggling bc kacchan's cool friend likes him, so maybe kacchan likes him now! bakugo is like "fuck why do i feel emotions thats wack"
so iida, having just reported what happened and now on the phone to aizawa walks over to tell aizawa everyones status. he and sees izuku and goes dead silent
"iida?? iida whats wrong?"
",,, hes,,, so s m a l l "
"wAiT WhAt"
"like,,, shrunk?????????"
"no sensei like,,, hes 5"
just a loud "F UUCK" as aizawa hangs up to run over
ok but they are all awkwardly buying the food bc they really need to get food, tiny izuku or no
and so izuku is with bakugo and allmight while the others do the worlds fastest grocery run
and izuku asks all might "mr? is your quirk being really tall? because thats super cool if it is!!" and bakugo is dying because what the fuck does all might say to that
"no my boy, im actually quirkless!"
"oh,, sorry sir"
"why are you sorry?"
"i dont know, but thats what everyone says to me when i tell them so i think its bad?"
and he just mumbles
"kacchan said i could play with him again if i got my quirk but i never did. do i get my quirk now? is that why we have cool friends??!"
and bakugo is going to cry bc all might looks so sad and he cant deal with that
so iida and kiri have bought all the crap and they are waiting out from with this tiny bubbly kid who they have to hold hands with or he Will run off to go look at stuff
aizawa shows up in the school car (,,, driven by mic because he cant fucking drive) and izuku is like OH HI
and aizawa is like ",,, hello?"
and izuku sees mic too and he thinks for a few seconds
"are,,, you two the new heroes that just started? from that really cool sports festival!!! i heard you from my preschool!!"
and bakugo is cackling be he fucking remembers that
and aizawa is red and nods and mic is like TINY CHILD WHO ARE YOU because aizawa didnt tell him what was going on
izuku is like "hi im midoriya izuku! please call me izuku!!" and mic is crying bc??? baby boy??
so they get an update ab the villain, apparently the quirk lasts for 2 weeks and allmight is caught between happy bc Tiny and sad bc My Boy??? he says how long it lasts and katsuki groans loudly
"bakugo?"
'AUntIEs iN aMEricA For 3 WeEKs"
"shit"
in the car all might has to hold him because aizawa didnt think this through and there isnt a child seat, so izuku is playing with all mights fringe because its long enough to be in his face and allmight is cry bc its his boy!!!!
they are up front because iida and katsuki need to talk to aizawa about whatever is going down with izuku. kiri is just there for moral support honestly, he is still pretty lost
izuku is asking present mic all these questions about his quirk ands all might is legitimately impressed at the control mic has because h looks like hes 30 seconds from bursting into a screech of joy at this tiny boy but his voice is just a little louder than normal
mic is singing a song in english
and izuku says "thats a rude song! my mum said so!" in perfectly understandable English and katsuki l a u gh hs
"I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO SLIP UP HAHA"
and mic, cackling bc hes worked it out had to pull over for a sec
all might is red because hes been swearing in english the whole time oops
aizawa is like "Um????? whats happening"
katsuki, through tears : this little shit has known english his whole life but he didnt want more english homework so he just pretended he didnt through middle school and forgot to admit he could when we started UA
izuku looks lost bc what did he do?? mic is saying sorry to this tiny child for singing a rude song, iida is ab to have a stroke
mic and izuku chat about mics quirk in english happily and they pull up to ua and izuku is like wAIT WHAT. bakugo is cringing bc howwww do they explain this
present mic and aizawa, 0 clue what going on "its UA. you go to school here."
"oh, did i get into gen ed? is that why kacchan is my friend again?!!"
"youre in the hero course with me, brat"
and izuku looks upset and aizawa is lost because what kid cries when they are told they get to be a hero
"dont be mean, its rude to lie"
"why would i lie?"
when izuku says hes quirkless bakugo and all might look like someone kicked them
aizawa is like "wait,, quirkless?" and izuku looks at him confused because evryone knows izuku is quirkless
"yeah,, i have the toe thing-y."
and the kids face crumples
"does this mean i cant go into UA now??"
mic picks up the kid before he can start to cry and says "of course not! i bet youd be a great hero, quirk or not!!"
aizawa and mic are giving all might and Bakugo a Look because they look so sheepish
kiri and iida are lost because izuku Very Much has a quirk, it explodes him
all might all but pushes everyone through the gate and aizawa and mic are just staring at him because they Know hes not spilling something
anyway, eri comes to visit!! bc izuku is small!!
she calls him deku and izuku looks sad bc kacchan only calls him deku when hes mad at him and izuku just whispers "you can call me izuku please?" and eri is like "YES IZUKU HI IM ERI HELLO"
izuku is very happy
hes still like, wearing a shirt dress basically so aizawa gets momo, who has a little quiet "HES SO SMALLL" scream in the cupboard, then pops out to make him a onesie. izuku asking if it can be allmight and momo is like “OF COURSE IT CAN YOU LITTLE MUNCHKIN ID DIE FOR YOU”
izuku gets this massive fuzzy onesie and hes like !!!” yourequirkissocoolallmightiloveitsoftthaNKYOU”
momo just hugs him because hes so tiny and cute oh my lord
eri and izuku play heroes!! eri is lemillion and izuku is all might and they are defeating the great villain Kirishima
kiri wasnt warned he was the villain. he just has these kids yeeting on to him and hes so lost
all might and bakugo are trying to make a child sized dinner. they are working together bc if they pretend they are doing something important maybe aizawa wont kill them
aizawa is just,,, glaring at them. he hasnt moved from the corner of the kitchen. bakugo is getting nervous, all might is trying not to spit blood into the food
its like, 4pm? and izuku and eri are sleepy but they are Big Kids so they dont need to nap. all might and bakugo are trying to finish the food before they fall asleep bc god damn it they worked for this
aizawa is trying not to smile but they are so goddamn cute. izuku is cheering because they made katsudon
"kacchan how did you know this was my favourite!! youre so coooolllL!!!!"
bakugo, suddenly feeling crushing guilt: yeah,, im,,, awesome
aizawa is like, walking slowly towards all might and hes scrambling to think of something to spare him from his wrath
bakugo : OH YAGI WERENT YOU ALL MIGHTS SECRATARY
izuku, crying: OH MY GOD
yagi, crying also : thankyou bakugo i owe you my life
izuku is asking so many questions aizawa has to remind him to breathe
please tiny izuku is very fond of aizawa but no one has any idea why bc the dude is scary
"eraserhead sir, when can i see my mum?"
aizawa, suddenly wishing he had kurogiri's quirk: ",,,,you seee"
ok but like, just for a little pain
"it'll be like a sleep over, ok kid?"
"you really want me to stay? most kids wont let me even play for a little while, so no one sleeps over. i can stay home without my mum if you want! i dont wanna bug you,,,"
aizawa, feeling a rush of fondness for this terrible child "no its ok, stay here. youre a good kid"
baby izuku clumsily braiding aizawas hair bc his mum taught him
consider: baby izuku and shinso
baby izuku is on a need to know basis bc there is a traitor somewhere. shinso is just minding his own business and runs into a giggling curly boy
and hes like ",,, who are you???"
"im izuku!!!"
shinso just looking at him and groans
"of course its you. its always you"
he picks up izuku and takes him to aiawa. izuku is patting his hair happily
"i found the gremlin"
"hi eraserhead!!!"
"thank god
izuku makes him help with his hero notes because he doesnt know kanji yet. izuku is just telling him what to do while shinso does as hes told, trying not to smile
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fairycosmos · 4 years
Note
Sorry this is becoming a Long ask but. Yeah I always tried to be as conscious as possible as I could in the relationships of not being passive aggressive or anything like that but I guess the relationship OCD + long distance and inability to properly communicate a lot of the time is what messed it up and sure they had not great stuff they did sometimes but I feel like it's more on me since I'm older yknow? It was also my first proper relationship and neither of us told family bc LGBT stuff
HEY your recent ask just reminded me that i had a whole answer to this in my head and then got distracted by all of the shit w my mum :( im so sorry for the late response, but please know you didn’t pressure me or stress me out at all. i’m in a calmer mind state rn so i can respond more readily. anyway my first instinct is to say that you were very young. yeah, you were a year older but in this context it doesn’t mean much because you were both kids. even grown adults who don’t have to deal with mental health issues hurt each other (hopefully unintentionally) in relationships because lack of communication and honesty and being that close to someone for so long often leads to a lot of sensitivity and frequent misunderstandings. situations like this are rarely black and white where one person is 100% innocent and the other is 100% the bad guy. there is far too much nuance to judge it so such a standard, so don’t worry about basing your whole judgement of yourself from this singular relationship you had as a teenager. it’s ok to have regrets, in fact it’s perfectly normal and i would argue that it’s a good sign. it means you’ve grown as a person, that you’re able to look back and pin point what you would change about your own behaviour. that’s a skill a LOT of people never develop, and it will serve your future self so well. of course, mental illness doesn’t excuse abusive actions but they can help you understand why you were the way that you were and why getting help should always be a priority, maybe more so than dating if you’re in a really bad place. but as you’ve mentioned, you’ve been going to counseling and figuring things out and you should be so so proud of that fact, seriously. i think that you were both in a rather vulnerable position - not having outside support, doing long distance - and so while it’s alright to acknowledge your own mistakes, it’s not alright to continuously crucify yourself for something that is now beyond your control. i understand that lack of closure is an issue here - you apologized to your ex and they’re still mad at you. that must hurt, and it’s allowed to. because you’re clearly sincere. but one of the hardest parts about growing up is realizing that we don’t get to dictate how other ppl respond to us. we can change and grow all we want, but there are some people who just aren’t ready to forgive. and they don’t necessarily have to. the same can be said for you - you said they treated you badly at times, too. you don’t have to brush that off if you don’t want to, or if you don’t feel able to at this time. but your ex doing this doesn’t mean you’re some terrible, awful person. it’s just how they’re going to heal, and you get to decide how you’re going to, too. it may take a while to work through the guilt and to truly move beyond this, and that’s normal. you can take this all at your own pace. but i’d really urge you to practice some self compassion, even if it feels fake. your mental illness isn’t your fault, alright? and it’s absolutely natural to fuck up sometimes, especially as a 16 yo kid. you’re not even a quarter of the person you’ll grow to be someday, and there is so much room to learn from yourself as the years pass. little everyone has something they wish they’d dealt with differently, and the only productive course of action is to accept what cant be changed and to use it to develop a deeper understanding of what’s appropriate and what isn’t. you’re not a bad person. you’ve apologized and you’ve reflected. under these circumstances, that is good enough. try not to dwell too much while you’re in quarantine. meditate, self soothe, find a gentle distraction, take a bath, breathe and relax. also please call your counselor and let go of some of that nervous energy. it really will help, even if you have to froce yourself to. i’m sending you a lot of warmth and hoping you can let yourself just ‘be’ for a while. if you ever need a friend, feel free to hmy any time. and again im sorry for not getting back sooner and i appreciate how understanding you are
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shadowturtlesstuff · 4 years
Text
again but better thoughts while reading
@polandbananas20
 so my spelling is terrible in this but you know i was more focused on the book than how to spell. 
Chapter 1) good intro and good starting tone. The lady next to her sucks. Good small establishment of shane.
chapter2)shane characterisation is still consistent. I like her two new roommates (will be best friends) . My guess is the boy in the kitchen will be pilot. Family means but not intentional. Has no confidence. I was right about the boy
Chapter 3) intro of pilot properly. He's good. I love the inner monologue of shane. Trying to keep eye contact, the surprise of having a normal conversation. It sets her character well. Intro to her blog which i would love to actually read (i hope there's at least one entry we can read) pilot is a musician but not. Business major. What crap. 
Chapter 4) i really feel like shane, she is just typical fangirl/ dork and i love it. Its weird being english and reading about the things that shock them like pasta in bags.i understand the watermelon.we do get to read ‘shanes writing’ but its her personal jornal not her blog.
Chapter 5) fun chapter. Intro to rome. Love the idea that shane is heavy handed and violent. Short, not alot happened other than small character establishment.
Chapter 6)intro to creative writing class which i want/need in my life.more beatles. Woman on plane works at starbucks, will she make more appearances? 
Chapter 7) the drama???or at least wht will be the drama. Pilot has a gf, called amy (wish it was me) (wait no, bc i know that plot doesnt actually like amy anymore bc he obviously likes shane. So i take it back. I want to be shane, i mean i basically am like her but oh well.)
Chapter 8) parents. Overprotective, think they know best. Urgh. guarantee one of shanes new friends fight back to her parents to support her life choices, that do not include doctor.
Chapter 9)gets an internship at travel mag company. Thats it…..
Chapter 10)rome. Looses purse. Pilot to the anxiety riddled rescue by telling his own life story about his wallet to help calm her nerves.distracts her. Basially he would do anything for shane already.re count of rome trip from her jornal again which is a good touch to further the plot. This is making me want to read dan brown (ish) all of two books i own of him
Chapter 11) the postcards are a nice touch that i hope someone reads???? Travel buddies..just saying.chad..hmmm,im like shane,well see if he is good enough for babe. Her GODDAM stupdi mean cousins being mean on her facebook, and babe seeing (best friend moment) about pilot and the whole teasing about having a boyfriend.
Chapter 12) he didnt see (but i think he did but istn sayin anything) paris i shappening. Babe is bff confirmed and i want her as my friend 
Chapter 13)angry birds addiction starts. Level three, weak, shoulder touching it romance confirmed.awwww pilot 100% waited to sleep so he could see shane safe in bed
Chapter 14) pilot with a french accent, enough  said. The flirtinggggg.  The plane woman  is back??in paris with them????
Chapter 15)pilots choices of the back in time thing are both wit shane. Its so obvious and i love it. Pilot as a fake fangirl about the eiffel tower. More flirting,kind of. Oh god chad no.he did it. Goddammit.nooo he wull run babe and shanes friendship and maybe her and pilot. ‘Assbucket’ indeed. Her an pilot are fine and i really believe her and babe will be because when she nearly gets robbed babe giver her a sympathetic smile. Not much to go on but i have hope.
Chapter 16)okay so, fav chapter, she finally spills her guts that she has anxiety basically, that she is premed with strict parents and this is scary whilst pilots lies in bed with her to relax her bc he heard her crying. He only ecoureges her slightly before going back to his bed and sleeping. My heart, i swear, soon the roles reverse and pilot will say why he is in london and all that.
Chapter 17)babe and shane bffs confired. Chad is the worst confirmed. Of course it wasnt  break up call. Of course she wants to vist. Of course pilot is to cowardly to break up and just accepts them going to paris together. Of freaking course.
Chapter 18) do not get over pilot, it wont work. Rugby guy nooooo!im team pilot how dare you kiss shane! Wow, city of glass mention. I want to make a list of every bookmentioned.
Chapter 19) pilot is not himself (obviouls) shane is worried. She is still lying to her parents an feeling bad about. Rugby guy is thankfully a no go. Pilot finds out about the kiss and guy and is clearly silently jealous. 
Chapter 20)aww shane! Im sorry pilot sucks currently. And a stupid guys trip with flat four. No. and devil chairs. 
Chapter 21)1)love the book talk.  The loneliness is kicking in, pilot man up for gods sake
Chapter 22)this red-head plain weirdo is back and going through her list like some sort of mentore. Omg!!! No. amy is here, i dont hatte her but can she not. Also, her dad…. No! (this is the stand up moment i was on about, i hope)
Chapter 23) i do not like her dad. At all. Nooo shane...no. they found out. And acted like assholes.
Chapter 24) n1!ahhhh no! Amy has her notebook. The end is nigh.im going to cry i feel like shane. 
Chapter 25) the family dinner-family outing. Niether of them manuped and shane is depressed
Chapter 26)back in america. Still hasn’t told pilot but you know it is a slow burn
Chapter 27) I, wait? Marry, some guy? Like no. I know it’s been what six years but no. I refuse.i don’t like this so called Melvin. It’s okay she doesn’t want to marry him. She goes to see pilot and finally mans up and tells him and asks if she made it and and pilot finally man’s up and tells her no she didn’t. They get stuck in an elevator
Chapter 28) the elevators doing something. Shane wants to re do London cuz she hates life
Chapter 1?) they are both back in London? Both having the same what ever is happening? 
  Chapter 2) omg. Plane lady took them back to staRt over and pilots mad about it (obv)
Chapter 3)so… they got mad but started over and I’m excited. 100%they won’t press the restart button. I’m calling it now. Cuz pilot knows he now has a chance to do the what if’s/
Chapter 4) they keep there distance but we all know it won’t last
Chapter 5) tipsy Shane? Shawarma
Chapter 6) babe thinksthere is something going on with them( again)
Chapter7)the story about fake pilot, and the kiss. Ahhhhhhg
Chapter 8)they found the button. Shane doesn’t want to go back. I do t want them to go back. They don’t go back thank god
Chapter 9) da Vinci code flirting somehow.. Shane tells him it won’t happen u less he breaks up with last Amy.
 Chapter 10) he will break up with Amy and laris is gonna happen. 
Chapter 11) so Shane is happy again, pilot broke up with amy. Shane tried to make peace with the devil chair.
Chapter 11) they are so adorable. Aswwwwewhwhehruysnwjw
 Chapter 12) Uwuwnfhueia we get more Shane and pilot flirting, 
Chapter 13) the opposite game is adorable. I like that they get to be themselves together without the awkwardness. The start of the move game. Thats my fav. 
Chapter 14) they still have the angry birds obssesion but unlike me and supercard they know when to stop.the dance ‘move’ ahh i love. The line ‘but you do.’ just shows how much they know each other and how pilot would do anything to make her smile. And the lost move (not really a move but totally a move.) once again proves their love. Also we had that plot moment where he talks about why h chose to go to london. I adore shanes rant (?) about the things she loves. And then pilot doing the same thing. Shane vs chair is my life, like i battle chairs too. 
Chapter 15) what is tfios? Ooohhh. Fault in our stars. (i googled it)i probably shouldve known by the whole always part. The dance move came back to bite pilot in the ass and now they are dancing together. Ew chad. Yes shane! That is what chad deserves. 
Chapter 16) they get intimate and gigly and happy and aaaawwwhww
Chapter 17) im glad shane still rememebers to be friends with babe and not forget her in her lovestick state currently.
Chapter 18) her postcard….the questions that haunt her so much. Sort of accepting them herself too. She finally got to do wrecking ball, they miss internship , oh no…. Start if a downall?? 
Chapter 19) shane and pilot have fallen HARD
Chapter 20) the article is off the table. Amy is there. What the hell. No. omg pilot no, you moron. THEY BROKE UP!!! Which is fair, a break is needed. They both get back on track and then try and find a balance. Hopefully. Oh her laptop….shit...the feels when all your work is just gone. Tries to reset bc she is so depressed bc she thinks she failed again. 
Chapter 21) she cant go back (thankfully) a bookstore is always a good haven to go to when your breaking down.
Chapter 22)the redemtion (?) time to try and fix everything and get back on track.the determination and the readiness to try and make everything better for herswelf, herself, and no one else is good. She makes friends with the people in her office and works harder than befire, try to get herself out of her comfort zone and experience things
Chapter 23) the confrontation with her parents. Oh god. I hope this goes well. Its going as well as it can go. Im happy shane is sticking up for her dream so she can be happy, uugh the whole dad speech of ‘i do everything for you, i know best because im older,’ i hate it. Ooohh she is making up with leo, talking ot him this time. Im happy. Leo is gay. Cool. i hate how he got broken up with becuase of his stupid family, it sucks. ‘There is no normal.’ perfect words. 
Chapter 24) her thing is in the thing!!!( also good job me with words.) her article got published (there we go)this is where she learns she can be with pilot and be successful because tracy is with a famous author and they make it work with harder schedules. Trys to talk to her parents. This time she will make there relationship work.
Chapter 25)urgh ‘you live under my roof,on my dime…’ blah blah blah. We hate controlling parents that dont see that overprotecting and controlling their childs life does more damage than good. Babe suggest self discovery trip. Babe is a grat friends. 
Chapter 26)the button thing will work…’im mad at pilot. Or am i mad at me.’ she cracked the code. She loathed herself because of her fear of failing, but because this time she worked on herself to make herself happy she no longer hates herself. Yet she still feels the same (ish) feeling that even though she worked harder and got further that she has no summer job when she gets back to the states, her parents still wont allow her choice of work.PILOTS BACK!!!!!!! She was about to press the button and he swooped in with his music.
Chapter 27) he still follows her blog and got help from babe. His speech, finished with lamppost. Where can i get a pilot?he uploaded their song. Working through the divorce thing again but it will be better because he has shane to talk to about it. Ahhh she got a job!!! Happy ending!!! My heart!!!eeeee…
epilogoue) she becomes a successful author. Her parents have accepted her and support her. Pilots a musician. He takes her to the weird plane lady and they gobe the locket back, then he makes the ultimate move. With pictures of where they fell in love he uses the beatles russain doll things to hide a ring and when she finds it she obviously says yes. And that its unfair cuz she cant top that move. 
sooo...thats it.
i really enjoyed this book. i cannot wait for her next book. this post is longwinded i apologize but oh well? again i will link my website and review as soon as its done. so far in about five hours all i have is a paragraph so it may not be as soon as i want it to be
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letstalksymphogear · 5 years
Text
Symphogear, EP.4
Last time on Beverly Hills 90210!
Hibiki begins to understand the true nature of the Sam Reimi Spiderman trilogy as she lives the life of a superhero by night and a normal student by day in the most miserable way possible. Constant cockblocking from the duties she explicitly chose to do distance her from her significant other Miku, as it drives wedges into their friendlationship. As Hibiki breaks off a plan prepped weeks in advance to see rocks fall from the sky, she takes out her frustration on the local Kamen Rider villian rejects before coming up to see Tsubasa, only to be greeted by a new face...
Let us continue!
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As the situation tenses between the three gi- hey! Hey, wait a minute! This is a flashback! That’s no fair. You’re just going to throw this to us while we’re trying to do this stuff? Get it together, show.
The show hauls our asses to a flashback, because God knows we needed one right now. It’s not just any flashback, though. It’s a flashback of our favorite redhead, Kanade!
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In a straightjacket.
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While everyone is staring.
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“i dont usually do this but you’ve got a bad case of catch-these-handsitis”
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“oh god, she’s so wild, and angry... i... why am i hoping she’s single...?”
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“aye. this is the fate of all rabiosexuals out there.”
Kanade is tied down because she’s the sole survivor of a Noise attack, and more importantly, she really, really wants to fight the Noise. What she doesn’t know is that she is potentially a new candidate for a Symphogear relic.
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“oh... we’d pair so well... our colors are diametrically opposed...”
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“GIMMIE A FUCKING GUN AND A TEN PIECE CHICKEN MCNUGGET MEAL YOU GUY FIERI LOOKING ASSHOLE”
Genjuro, who suffers from Compulsive Child Adopting Syndrome (CCAS), immediately comes to the conclusion to adopt this tiny gremlin. It helps that her parents are, well, dead.
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Fatherly instincts vibrating intensely.
Genjuro talks to this small child, who is currently 99% anger and 1% chicken fluff, scanning their conviction towards working to the goal of fighting the Noise.
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In retrospect, his methods are a bit weird. Feeding into the extreme edginess of a 14 year old scorned isn’t exactly the best thing in the world. Unfortunately, as we established before, the only thing that can fight Noise are Symphogear, and the only reason he’s not in the front lines is because he can’t wield one.
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Kanade naturally obliges this deal, her braincells having long since perished alongside her parents. Then Perish indeed, Kanade.
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“buddy im being trained as a samurai in modern times and i still could not fathom going as hard as you”
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The pact is sealed. The child is adopted. Genjuro’s adoption addiction relapses, and he’s going to have quite a long talk at AA (Adopters Anonymous).
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The thing about Genjuro that makes him an interesting character is that he actually really, really, really hates the idea of having to pit children in fighting these horrible threats. Unlike a lot of male characters who have a strong sense of manliness but a poorly written way of expressing it, Genjuro manages to be a compassionate person in the face of all this terribleness. He’s the only person to think about throwing parties for these girls, and trying to give them any sort of sense of happiness and normalcy to their lives, now changed forever by machinations he has been put in charge of. He’s the Anti-Gendo. He doesn’t tell Shinji to get in the robot. He makes sure Shinji is well enough to be in the robot, and would never do so otherwise, knowing the mental toll.
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That’s why ultimately, he is The Dad.
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So, with that in mind, they prep Kanade to recieve the relic assigned to her. One of the major elements of using relics is compatibility. Kanade is not naturally compatible to Gungnir; they have to slowly ease her into it.
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“mumble mumble cant wait to kick their asses mumble mumble”
This is a process that takes years. The show doesn’t do well in showing this, but it takes many, many years for her to be compatible after endless medical examinations and controlled situations.
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The experiments, naturally, hurt like a bitch to boot.
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“genjuro she’ll be okay, right?”
“flip a coin on it, tsubasa”
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“oh shit yall see this news? pornhubs gonna buy tumblr! damn, i can make an all in one profile now.”
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When you’re forced to watch your newly adopted daughter torture herself to be compatible with an ancient, musty cursed relic.
After all that, Kanade still isn’t compatible. Of course, nothing is simple with Kanade. You may ask yourself, “Why did Genjuro have to tie up Kanade in a straitjacket? That seems pretty abusive.”
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Simply put, it’s because Kanade has never fucked around in any second of her life, having taken off all the devices on her, taken a direct syringe of the stuff she’s trying to synchronize with, and directly inject it into her, herself.
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Fear.
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“i am so SICK, and TIRED, of all this namby pamby wimpy ass standard shit. YALL MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I WONT GO FULL THROTTLE?! MY LIFE IS FULL THROTTLE. I! AM! GONNA! GET! SHIT! DONE! TONIGHT! BOYYYYS!”
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Tsubasa, likely already going through puberty by this point, simultaneously understands both the concepts of fear and arousal witnessing this near suicidal display of absolute madness immediately.
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Holy shit, Kanade.
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You know shit’s bad when even Ryoko is afraid.
Turns out, however, that Kanade did the right move in becoming compatible with Gungnir, at a very physically demanding price.
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Really, physically demanding.
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“shouldnt have had that massive spaghetti carbonara before doing all this shit but fuck i really liked that fuckin’ spaghetti slorp slorp go the sauce ooooooooh god this is bad”
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“HAHA IM FINE- IM FINE EVERYONE- THIS- THIS IS JUST THE SPAGHETTI- I HAD BEFORE THE- BEFORE THE PROCEDURE IT’S NOT- IT’S NOT BLOOD I SWEAR- OH I AM FEELING LIGHTHEADED- DON’T WORRY YOUR PRETTY HEADS IM GOOD! OH- OH FUCK-”
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The scientists, who have been easily staring at this entire situation for more than 5 minutes or more, have not stepped in to do a single damn thing, as if overpowering a 14 year old to stop her from injecting a dangerous thing that could directly kill her is completely out of their paygrade. Genjuro wakes them the fuck up and likely briefly contemplates firing some of these morons.
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“so this is what’s called... getting lost in the sauce...”
The scientists scramble to keep Kanade from vomiting more marinara sauce but Kanade exerts but a mere fraction of her now developing Symphogear abilities, knocking them all out with ease.
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“this is some shit right here, damn”
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Kanade pulls some Independence Day theatrics on everyone, as a 14 year old on the verge of death typically would if given the opportunity. Death may be certain but you at least get to go out in style. Will Smith would be proud.
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The half-life of Tsubasa’s fearousal reached completion as it has mostly decayed into fear at this point.
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However, the relic pendant begins glowing. This is likely the one thing that keeps Kanade from dying. An interesting comparison given Hibiki’s own survival and gear manifestation.
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Kanade achieves super saiyan.
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“THEY ALL SAID I WAS LOST IN THE SAUCE... AND THEY ALL THOUGHT THE SAUCE WAS LOST IN ME. BUT NOW... I AM THE SAUCE!”
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Tsubasa’s fear directly transmutes itself back into arousal per the first law of alchemy. Something to note is that Tsubasa was naturally receptive to her own gear; she didn’t need to go through the medical process Kanade went through. It’s because of this that Kanade earns Tsubasa’s admiration for life, even long after she dies.
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“THE SAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEEEEE”
And so, the unambiguously gay duo known as Zwei Wing formed. Singers by day...
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Noise slayers by night.
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Saving the country, singing in the country, bonding together... in the country. Truly, there is no more iconic duo than these two.
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“yall sing pretty”
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“anyway bye”
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Kanade’s initial motivation for getting Gungnir was to kill the Noise indiscriminately with no hesitation. It slowly dawns on her, though, that helping people... is good?
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“the sauce lost me. i got lost in the sauce. i became the sauce. but... why don’t i... share, the sauce? because... people like sauce... and i like sauce... and we can bond together... liking sauce!”
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Kanade and Tsubasa have a Captain America moment running together as Kanade muses about how singing for other people feels way better than just pure murder funtimes.
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“hey, uh... tsubasa... it just hit me. i like sauce. and... you, you like sauce. do... do you want to share sauce together?”
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“kanade as your girlfriend ive literally heard you talk about sauce metaphors for the last several years and if you dont think i wont slurp your sauce down without hesitation you’ve got another thing coming”
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“hell yeah! ive still got some of my original leftover marinara to share!”
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No heterosexual explanation whatsoever.
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Not a damn one.
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Oh yeah...! Because by shedding tears, the reality you face is...
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Nehushtan? Weird end of a sentence, but okay.
We’re thrust back into the present time, present day, as we’re back in our three way throwdown.
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Genjuro is an extra large McFuckingPissed with Large Fries and a Shake, supersized.
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“you want some sauce with that? lmao, sorry, too soon”
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As the werewolves come out in full force, the tension strengthens while a battle brews nearby...
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“yall think you’re getting your hands on this goddamn armor without realizing im officiating this here gay pride parade. and guess what? you’re cancelled.”
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“didn’t know clowns were part of the acronym, let alone capable of managing it. either way, you’ve gotta be at least this tall to use the armor.” 
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“so why not make like a hobbit, drop the armor, and burrow back to whatever hidey hole you came from, bimbo baggins!”
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“guess you didnt read the books, moron. last i checked, bilbo doesn’t lose his traveling partners.”
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“that low blow only comes at the cost of outing yourself as a fucking nerd.”
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“im not ashambed. im gonna blow your mind with some math: my foot, plus your face, subtracting the teeth from your mouth, equals an ass kicking.”
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“NOTHING IN THAT FORMULA INVOLVES ANY ASS WHATSOEV-”
Hibiki gets in the way immediately, citing the ethical ramifications of fighting humans as opposed to talking to them, conveniently forgetting this was the same person ready to body her merely an episode or two ago.
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“hey first of all please don’t say bimbo thats really degrading, and second of all clowns aren’t actually in the acronym but im sure there are some gay clowns out there so please dont talk like that and thirdly im sorta short and that hurt my feelings and fourthly killing is fucking bad, tsubasa, let us not commit human on human murder”
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both of them, in unison, i shit you not:
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“yo, you like murder? shit. i like murder too!”
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“like oh my god! murder is my favorite hobby. i take it back, you’re chill. still gotta die, though.”
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Hibiki is casually tossed aside from this fight, given her very ideas are anti-thetical to fighting as a whole.
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A real sick battle ensues.
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Something to note is that our spunky opponent has another relic at her disposal which summons Noise. This relic is called Solomon’s cane. You’ll learn more about it later.
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Not a pretty sight.
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Tsubasa is losing. Not only is she losing, but the enemy cool kid reveals a very notable detail of her plan: She was distracted Tsubasa on purpose. The real plan...
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Was to kidnap Hibiki.
In an ironic twist, Tsubasa’s inability to work with her teammate not only put her teammate in danger, but explicitly allowed her opponent to fulfill her mission of trying to capture her.
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“i changed my mind kick her ass please oh god”
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Hibiki still has not learned her lesson.
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Tsubasa gets her ass kicked. Her opponent pulls every punch in the book, with some lowdown dirty fighting.
Unfortunately, Tsubasa, having learned from the Kanade Amou Private School Of No Brain Cell Combat, she pulls the last ace from her sleeve.
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“lmao bitch whatre you gonna do, sing?”
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“i didnt design my hair like a fucking 8th note for nothing, you cabbage patch kid”
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“then let’s hear it, motherfucker.”
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