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#sorry i havent posted in a while my mental health and ability to focus are kind of in a rut
sleeplesssecrets · 7 years
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ive been thinking about writing here for several nights in a row and i just havent, so im going to sit down and dedicate a little bit of time to this blog for a minute. i miss having the strong desire to blog on here rarely, instead of having a weak desire to do it more often. i dont know if that makes sense. today i went out with my friend to go ice skating which is so much harder than people make it look. im really bad at it like i knew i would be. i have little to no athletic abilities to begin with, and i am pigeon toed. i cant roller blade and i learned to ride a bike when i was 9 which is a lot older than a lot of people. she was very supportive of me but shes not an amazing teacher so i kind of suffered but had fun anyways. she really believes in me for some reason and went out of her way to buy me a used pair of ice skates. she has ridiculous pipe dreams for me. she thinks im going to be good at it before my next birthday. she has no idea how horrible i am at things. im so bad at things. yesterday my fiance and i went to whole foods with my sister and her husband and sampled wines ?? it was more than samples tho. i was sufficiently drunk by the third “sample”. according to my friend, im a lightweight tho so. i dont want to build up a tolerance tho. i find it hilarious it takes little to nothing for me to feel drunk. i used to, and still dont, fully understand people who love getting drunk and seem like they brag about it. but i get it now i think? it’s so much fun haha. theres a loud large fly in my house annoying me. loud large bugs that fly are a pet peeve of mine. if i were granted one wish i would wish the earth had an ecosystem that didnt rely heavily on bugs. i hate bugs. except for bees. bees are good and pure. anyways i took this personality test a youtuber suggested and it fucking read me. it’s called the enneagram and i did it with my mom, it read her too. i want everyone in the world to take it honestly so i can read them haha. the only person so far it wasnt as accurate as it was for me was my fiance. tanner rarely fits into categories tho, which is why i thought hed be a nine like me, but hes a two. but im not convinced. at first i didnt want to be a nine but im ok with it now. some places call the nine the mediator which i hate. i hate being pinned as someone who doesnt take a side. mediator is a bad word for what i actually do. im not vocal about my stance, and i dont mediate, i crawl back into the shadows of “debates” (poorly executed arguments imo) and dont speak up. im a hypocrite because i do call myself a feminist and an ally, but im not a very good ally. you cant rely on me to open other people up to feminist ideas because unless it’s a big important issue, i avoid conflict. it’s really hard for me to speak up about feminism because everyone else seems too argumentative and fight-y. im more flight-y. run away. avoid. nevermind. ignore. block. it’s integral to my mental health, is an excuse of mine when i dont speak up, or when i choose bliss (ignorance) on a given subject. anyways im obsessed with this personality test. i want to know all of the types and type people without making them do a test. you know when you meet someone and they immediately remind you of someone else? it’s like they have the same type maybe. and thats what i wanna know. the enneagram is big for me. bigger than astrology which i love and used to live by. i still believe in the stars tho. this week im ovulating, which is suckish but always fun. hormones are fun. if i could be hormonal without the pain all the time, i would. it affects my sexuality not just in my libido, but my attraction to genders. my bi-ness fluctuates and this week is a women week. we were watching the trailers before a movie the other day and every actress i recognized, my body physically responded to my attraction to those people. anyways i dont get out a lot so it doesnt take much of the outside world to make me happy. tanner hates even going on walks especially if he finds them pointless, he’d rather be at home chillin. which is something i used to bother him about very very much but i stopped because i realized that is one thing about him that i can’t budge him on. so when im riding passenger in a mostly quite car with people i love watching the sunset over the highway we’re on, im really living. it’s weird but cars for me can be really good places for my mind. i can almost clear my mind and focus on my breathing when im in a car riding in silence. on the ride home today, watching the sunset on the highway in the quiet van with my friend driving, i told her i was sorry for being so quiet. i told her i was focusing on my breathing, which was true, but she probably thought i meant because of my asthma. i had a close one today so she knows i have problems with it every now and again. by that time tho, i was actually feeling better so i was using that glorious time in the car to breathe all the way into my lungs and breathe all the way out. it’s a pattern of breathing i only do when i have just recently used my inhaler, or right before i am totally awake. and when i can breathe like that, i can almost dissociate on purpose and peel myself off of the vinyl of reality like a sticker. when i finally got used to having sleep paralysis, i stopped hallucinating sounds and shadows, and began lucid dreaming in those minutes before falling asleep again. i can be awake and aware in my head and vividly exist on what feels like a foggy plane separating myself and the physical place im in. anyways i normally dont talk about this because i like having it as my own little fun secret with myself but no one reads this blog and it has lots of other dumb secrets on it so they all kind of drown each other out in the white noise of a space on the internet dedicated to me talking almost exclusively to myself. i get attached to things and i never want the good things or the good people in my life to end and i have an insecurity that my relationships aren’t real and im in constant need of validation of friendship from certain people and when i start feeling like i want to stop typing i get sad that something i spend nearly an hour working on is just going to be another post on this blog. and because i hate revisiting the past i probably wont read it again for a long while. so im going to click post and stuff this dull razor into the disposal slot in my wall for later people to find a pile of other dull razors just like it, aging poorly together. 
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