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thecozywhaleshark · 4 years

Text

King of Hearts (pt. 8)

Word Count: 1384

Warnings: Swearing. Some smut. Sadness. Just big Angst. I’m sad too.

Summary: You and Jin have gone your separate ways and are trying to cope with the loss of each other in your own ways...

You hated walking away from him, wanted to turn back to him immediately and kiss him harder, maybe force him to bring you back to a hotel and fuck you until you passed out.

But you didn’t. You kept going. Went back to your meeting. Found out Hobi had taken the blonde girl home. Made awkward goodbyes. Drove home alone.

It taken until you were in your apartment and had locked the door when you allowed yourself to brake. Big, heaving sobs as you buried your face in your arms and criticized yourself for ever falling for someone so completely unavailable.

So you did what you do best. You wrote.

Your entire relationship with Jin. Your feelings you long suppressed for him. You gave them to your main character. You gave her love interest Jin’s personality. You wrote the explicit smutty details of your intense sex life into the book. This book was your lifeline, your diary.

You looked a mess, didn’t leave your house for days. Ratty hair, the oldest sweatshirts, sleeves wet with tears and snot that you wiped on them as you wrote your story. Pajama pants, endless dirty dishes, empty mugs of half-drunk hot chocolate and cold coffee.

“Jin would add sprinkles probably, to the hot chocolate.... to make me laugh.” You sigh miserably, grabbing the whipped cream container and spraying it directly in your mouth. “But I am a disgusting mess with stupid fucking feelings.”

You cradle the can of whip in your arms and trudge back over to your desk, pulling a blanket over your shoulders and re-opening your laptop, continuing your story.

Head pounding, Jin flicked the pen across the table and watched as it rolled back to him. He was tired. So tired. Too tired, in fact, to stop the pen as it rolled back and bounced against the tip of his nose. So very, very tired.

Over the past couple of weeks he had taken every client offered to him and drank probably half of his body weight. Or it could be three-fourths. He wasn’t sure anymore.

First it had been to avoid her, and that had failed. Now it was to forget about her.

Her smile, her laugh, the way she felt melting in his hands, the way she moved her ass just so...

He slammed his hand against the table and raised his head as the hotel door opened and winked as a woman with double diamonds in her ears smiled and trailed her hand up his arm...until finally, finally, he stopped thinking.

It’s been three days when you finally pass out due to exhaustion, having pulled all nighters writing your story, your fingers typing faster than you ever thought they could.

It was day four when you ran out of clean pajama pants, day five when you ran out of clean bowls, and day six when you ran out of underwear.

So on day six, you did a load of laundry and started the dishwasher.

And while all that was cleaning, you went back to your laptop and wrote.

Katherine had never felt this way before. Sure he dressed a little funky and was a dork more often than not... but she liked the way she he made her feel. Liked how he treated her with so much kindness, but also so much sass. How he held the door open for her but also teased her for liking olives on her pizza. Liked how he could make her laugh and within seconds make her moan. How he made her feel...like a woman worthy of being loved.

Five in one night. That was a lot, even for him. But it helped. Or it had been.

Until Cinthia showed up in a long red dress and shrugged it seductively off her shoulders.

And just like that, he was brought back to that night - the night he had tried to erase his feelings, to stuff them so deep inside they suffocated... the night that he had failed.

He can’t help but swallow the lump in this throat - a motion that Cinthia see as his reaction to her gown and she smiles at him, plopping herself in his lap, the ice of her wedding bands sending shivers down the back of his neck as she wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls his mouth to her own, claiming what she paid for.

For what seemed like the 500th time, you erased the accidental ‘Jin’ and replaced it with ‘Ryan,’ sighing as you re-read the sentence you had just written.

Maybe it was wrong to write your entire relationship with Jin into a novel - immoral, despicable, distasteful - whatever you wanted to call it. But it was all you had. All you could think about. And the only way you could feel even slightly better was by pouring it out... by having Katherine and Ryan play out their love story, and to have Katherine tell Ryan everything she was thinking and feeling straight to his face.

You laughed bitterly to yourself as you began to write your next scene. As usual, your Katherine was braver than you. Typical.

Back in another hotel room, dealing with another unknown woman, Jin was finally drunk and tired enough to be able to fuck without thinking of you. At least for a few minutes. As long as he fucked hard enough, nobody was the wiser.

He always left his clients satisfied, had always taken pride in it... but why their pleasure suddenly making him feel worse?

With a frustrated huff, Jin hooked the woman’s legs over his forearms and drove into her deeper, feeling the bright pink of her nails scrape down his back as he tried to rid you, once again, from his mind... and failing.

Katherine stood up from her chair and swiped at the tears on her face.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted,” Ryan said, standing up and following her to the door. “No, I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to fall for someone that I paid to hang out with. I knew you probably didn’t feel the same way, but I wanted to tell you.”

“Thank you for that.” Ryan opened the door and watched as she walked outside.

“So I guess, this is where we go our separate ways,” Katherine sniffed, using the sleeve of her coat to wipe away more fallen tears.

“I guess.” Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at her sorrowfully. “I hope one day, you find someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about me. And I hope that you get everything you want in life... genuinely.”

He bites his lip, looking down at the ground. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person for you. I never wanted to hurt you-”

“I know,” Katherine cut him off, laying a soft hand on his arm. “Just - forget this ever happened okay? I was the stupid one who caught feelings for my hired escort.” She barked a laugh and shook her head. “I was an idiot.”

“You’re not-”

“I am.” Katherine took a deep breath. “Listen, it’s okay. I’m just gonna... go. It was nice to meet you Ryan. I’m so glad to have met you, okay?”

He nods once and Katherine takes that as her queue, turning towards her car and the hill she’ll have to climb to get to it, stepping into the snow for grip.

As she goes up, she watches her shadow darken in the sunset behind her, alone, once again.

You let out a sigh and sit back in your chair, stretching out your arms in front of you and rolling your neck.

It was done. Your rough draft. You pressed print and watched it come to you, sheet by sheet, until you finally held it in your hands, hot and smelling of ink, ready to be read and edited by your team.

For the first time in weeks, you find the energy to get ready for the day, carefully arranging your hair and applying your makeup. One more step towards publishing. One more step towards putting your feelings out into the world.

Maybe then he would know how you felt.

Maybe then he would know how you feel.

Part 9

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