#soo it only makes *sense*

[dorkfruit]

i was wondering what would have happened if ianthe had successfully cut her own arm off and regrown a flesh magic one on her own, so i did some doodles to play around with different concepts for it.

my thoughts on the matter below....if u even care

my initial idea was like, to do a very noodley string of flesh. something very rubbery, sticky, and stretchy. because anything she created wouldn't have the support of bones, i thought maybe it could be very flexible to compensate. she doesn't have a regular hand, and so the "string" wraps around the base of objects to give her a grip on it. for heavier objects, she fuses the veins on the string to the handle of the object, as well as adds more veins on the "shoulder" and "elbow" sections for more support. also i thought it'd be funny to watch her try and slap someone, so she winds her shoulder back and smacks them like an arcade sticky hand which is hilarious to visualize for me LOL

^ arcade sticky hand

anyways, i figure she made the noodle arm as a Oh My God I Just Cut My Arm Off I Need To Replace It Quick type of solution. it's temporary, but sort of works. then it's like. okay we need more muscle on this because this is kinda impractical, so she adds onto the base (near the shoulder), and it eventually forms into a weird tentacle thing, throbbing and veiny and gross, that tapers into a thin strand near the end, to keep the whole Wrapping Around Objects To Grab Them (although this sacrifices some of the stretchiness in favor of strength) but it is kinda interesting to have her switch between the two (and perhaps other shapes i didn't think of yet) based on which is more appropriate for the situation, sort of like a swiss arm knife but made of meat.............. and so yea that was just my idea on how she would have done a flesh arm as opposed to having harrow's bone arm (: lots of fun concepts and much more to explore but this is just my first attempt .. for now maybe

#the visual comedy potential is off the charts with the idea of a flesh only arm... i didnt even scrape the surface. maybe another day #had soo many ideas and forgot half of them so i didnt end up drawing all of them LOL #and my description below kinda make no sense bc im stupid these days but hopefully u get what i meant #anyways... #the locked tomb #tlt #harrow the ninth #htn #/ tw body horror #ianthe tridentarius #harrianthe #harryanthe #my art #procreate #wish i had drawn more tendriltarius arm art but it was hard to draw tbh! so i ended up doing more noodley stuff even tho its less practical #oopsies!

[jackshiccup]

hiccup is so much more receptive to ruff and tuff’s quips in rtte its so fun to watch

#tuffnut: *says something that unexpectedly makes a lot of sense* #hiccup: yeah thats actually so true bestie #ALSO HICCUP BEING LIKE SNOTLOUT UR THE MAN OF THE HOUR U CHOOSE THE ISLAND #HELLOOO #I LOVEEEE THEMMMM #wait i love the gang so much im having soo much fun #im only on ep 3 LOL #httyd #httyd rtte #rtte #jackshiccup text #race to the edge #yes im liveposting so im sorry if this appears on ur dash #maybe one of my mutuals will enjoyjdjshhs #imperfect harmony #tuffnut #ruffnut #thorston twins #hiccup

[goatpaste]

Huge SA warning for the next chapter. I really do hate that Araki keeps falling on using that as a shock factor/writing crutch twice to the same character now. Though doesn’t the recent chapter kind of confirm Dragona is trans now?

yeah no iv already read the chapter so i knows what up

but for anyone else who hasnt read todays new jojoland chapter PLEASE read this

but im also like

anyone with a brain alreadY knewW she was trans, ARaki im already in her corner, I already support her, you don't have to keep brutalizing her to make her compelling or whatever

im so sick of the transmisogynoir, pick out something else to do with Dragona for the love of god!!!

araki the last 3 parts, seeing a woman and asking if anyone is going to do gross sexual harassment to them and NOT waiting for an answer

#the only good thing was #i love young dragonas lil outfit i think it is very cute her lil headband :) #also her and jodios matching Jo buckle/charm #cuuute #also im like.. id love to know more about their parents background #i dont think were gonna get it because i think the angle of this part is siblings #but im like we know their from new jersey which is where sbr ended give or take #and that Joseph went back to that area with lucy and had his family there #so presumably Barbara grew up there #but like.. did she meet her husband there #or is this a holly incident were their dad was from hawaii and they moved there to be with him #or did they just decide to move there... #TO ME MY BRAIn im like mmm #i have thoughts but probably dont make sense #but im looking im looking soo hard

[springlock-suits]

Au where Mike fucking died in that hallway and they made him possess the empty dog animatronic

#'mike wont let us take abby' 'we kill mike so he wont get in the way' 'abby wont play with us if we kill her brother' #'then we put him in an animatronic. then he cant stop us and abby can still have her brother' #'that sounds like a good plan with no flaws whatsoever lets do that' #fnaf movie #fnaf movie spoilers #i miss back when we would make aus n stories where the nightguard becomes an animatronic lets go back to that #theyre literally was a dog animatronic btw i dont have pictures but at first i thought it was bonnie #until i realized the red bow was like. a dog bone an a red ribbon #soo tempted to start drawing mike n abby as animatronics. the only thing stopping me is tired and lack of references #the doll animatronic in the movie reminded me of the doll animatronic charlie had in her closet in the novel series #and i know theres some doll on one of the frights covers too does anyone know anything abt that one? it looked like the animatronic as well #v nice to see a non sl human style animatronic. nice to know what those'd look like #actually makes a ton of sense to be a doll since freddy and gang are plushies #mike schmidt #abby schmidt #i wish we know what the feddy head saw trap was for tho #five nights at freddy's movie #five nights at freddy's movie spoilers #fnaf au

[starfall-isle]

I’m just a ten cent copy

Of people far more advanced than me

#Stej #spark the electric jester #spark the electric jester spoilers #float #Clarity #flint #spark #art tag #Float is so so much 2 think about. Even before she died there was still this acknowledgement of like. #She does not know who she was before she just knows she was discarded and literally buried alive and everything just gets worse for her :( #character who deserves some kind of resolution the most I think/ #I can’t fully wrap my mind around how Clarity’s replica works (ignoring what was said about her and Astra #solely being extensions of clarity bc I think that kind of sucks and doesn't fully make sense 2 me anyway) #like she is not the original ofc and float was already dead before assimilation but she is still clearly enough of a copy #that she has her feelings and (assumedly) resembles her formie body from before she was experimented on #Something even she didn’t remember‚ & I'm just curious how exactly clarity made her so faithfully 2 float and how much she has that #same kind of cognition and emotional independence that Astra did‚ even if she is only trying to achieve clarity’s goals. #I know WHY float was used 2 trick spark into reaching the Fark force the point was that shes just. Still so real and it’s so sad #The original float is gone but she is still here and she still remembers her life and feelings it’s soo fucked up #The only autonomy she has ever had over herself was when she and flint met each other. She just has been used so much even after death!! #I don’t want to make assumptions about something that isn’t out but like. If floats just gone now after doing so much to reintroduce her as #an agent of clarity I think it would be such a disservice 2 her Character like how interesting could it be to have float but she is not the #same as float she has this girls face and memories but she has been so fractured and manipulated that like. Who could she be now #that clarity isn't in control and she no longer has a purpose. if she ever got to reunite with flint would he be willing to trust her? #Would she want to reconnect with these emotions and memories that she knows she’s been programmed from? How would it feel to know #that everyone else has this idea of you and a history that for you technically isn’t real but it still FEELS real. AUGH #Anyway. segmented like a bug get it #ask to tag #Taphophobia #Blood

[alexcabotgf]

not to be true crime posting on main but i think i'm falling down the wm3 rabbit hole again

#xenia.txt #when i tell you this case keeps me up at night to this day #not even the murders themselves as much as the general public's reception to and opinions on the case 3 decades later like #i get why it;s always been so divisive especially after the pl docus came out (lots of opinions on those btw none of them are good #from the bottom of my heart fuck you joe berlinger and bruce sinofsky) #but it's truly baffling how no one is willing to do the research on what is arguably THE most well documented true crime case in recent #history like. everything that's ever been released to the general public is available online and i mean everything #you can find all the court files trial transcripts depositions interogation tapes aerial photos you name it it's out there for anyone with #internet connection to access at any and all hours of the day #and yet people are still foaming at the mouth fighting on reddit abt their innocence based off nothing but a couple of movies like #bffr with me right now!! almost every point the innocenters make can be easily debunked by scrolling through callahan for 15 minutes #'but they've been pushing for dna testing since their release so they can't be guilty' baby the case is closed! #it's been closed the second they took the plea. they can be striking under that courthouse and it still won't change a thing and they knowi #that's why they're pushing for it in the first place but that's just my opinion #^ and i say they but it's really only echols which makes a lot of sense to me personally #and if you want to talk abt dna testing let's talk abt the one that was done in 2011 and how the defense hurried to propose the plea as soo #as they got the results! let's talk abt those cause no one's ever seen them and i would very much like to #braga share the results the people want to know!! #makes me wonder which pieces of evidence they even submitted for that 2011 testing because if i'm remembering correctly #there was one that would've closed this case instantly and maybe that's why the results were never disclosed and the plea was rushed #but that's also just my opinion #and it's also interesting how the majority of people who have in fact deep dived into this case #(and i'm not talking abt big true crime youtubers as i'm very sceptical abt their research abilities) #all collectively lean towards guilty. much to think about #i was hoping someone would make another ~actually~ unbiased documentary for the 30th anniversary and go over all the case files #but i don't think that's even realistic at this point seeing as everyone and their mother has some sort of an opinion on this case #hbo deserves another lawsuit for this. they should've never won the first one in the first place #true crime tw

[nerdreid]

i don't really go here so feel free to push back on this but. as funny as the "i'm an ally!" line is i also think it's such an interesting manifestation of the specific struggle buck has with his sexuality. like, he's not using it as an identifier label for his identity per se. it's more of a deflection/denial of the root of his discomfort.

it was already clear at the restaurant but it became so evident in his conversation with maddie. buck was clearly nervous about going on a date with a guy, he had never done that before, and when eddie walked in he panicked even harder, lying about it being a date. and he feels so bad about it. but despite mentioning himself that it's his first date with a dude, he can't seem to make the connection that that's where his reaction is coming from. "so why do you think you did that [lying to eddie]" "i don't know"

because he's an ally! he's cool with gay people! so the not-straight thing cannot possibly be the problem. "shouldn't be, right?" he has a hard time grappling with how he feels and how this might change things for him. and i just want to grab him by the shoulders and tell him that it's okay to feel weird about your own newfound queerness. these are your feelings, it's new, it's different. being okay with yourself is a whole different beast than being okay with others.

#this is a ramble and i hope it makes sense #cause i have soo many thought about this #911 #911 abc #evan buckley #seen a lot of people make the comparison with imogen from heartstopper #and while yes very funny and also very true #i also think there is a different way they utilise it #like imogens was very 'im an ally i cant be homophobic' while buck is more like 'im an ally gayness isn't weird so that cant be the bit im #uncomfortable about right not. must be something else' #i also have to be honest i only watched the first season of 911 and the recent episodes. the rest i only know through timeline osmosis #but i think i have a decent read on this #which. i love buck so much this is such a great bit of (disaster cringefail) bi rep

[lemongogo]

#this.discussion between them is one of my favorites #this and that exchange a while earlier where vash talks ab gunsmokes reliance on plants being a consequence of the big fall #and a necessary facet of survival for the ppl who live here despite how utterly awful an experience it is #for the both of them.the plants being used and the people forced by circumstance to use them until death ykyk #and i especially like.how vash is just so . baffled by the idea that knives somehow sees his ideology as this naive dream #as opposed 2 a reaction from the anger hes been harboring for SOO long. we SAWW it we saw how he reacted on the ship #we see it in the way he struggles 2 navigate life among ppl and how his body bears the scars of his pain and frustrations #his anger is sooo.Good. and formative.and wholly vash that i cannot imagine him without it #he never forgot teslas death / never will .and it motivates him just as much as rem's sacrifice n so on. #'ever since that day we've been mad' ....... prbably one of the best lines ive taken away #hashtag shinobu's 'yes im angry..ive always Been angry' monologue #i love how he includes knives in that anger too. its not just youre angry or im angry. its that We've been angry. Ever since that day. #going2 throw UPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and the way knives reacts 2 it too.using it to cement his grief and decision that if we had to suffer than its only fair they should too #fairness.and when he talks ab making it equal...giving whats been taken..always an interesting concept to use in a vengeful sense from the #more sensitive brother. i love it.LUVE ITTT #trigun spoilers #vash #knives trigun #trigun maximum #trigun #millions knives

[xxc0mp4ctd1scxx]

I wish that who uses only "she/her" or "he/him" referring to Mizu kinda get the drip that Mizu isn't neither a man nor a woman.

That whoever is using only one of these pronouns is actually seeing that Mizu is kinda beyond gender shit, and any other category.

So when using those are all in a genderqueer/genderfuck way. When calling them girlfriend or man or bf is in an ironic way.

I really wish I'm not seeing people thinking Mizu is a woman just bc they are AFAB or bc "this trope is ant-women" terf's shit. Cuz I guarantee that Mulan (1998) and Blue Eye Samurai (2023) aren't being feminist in a simple "We Can Do It, too" way, but rather "See, gender roles are stupid and fuck you if you think that genderqueer people don't exist and people are only MAN or WOMAN."

Man, I really hate when people look at a genderqueer story and think only in binary. Adult Mizu could have been a woman if they really were one, cuz the point of they being perseved as a boy was only to be more difficult to find them as a kid, when their mom couldn't protect them with her hands or power, cuz she had none.

I think that when they were in the wife role, they weren't really performing it as a woman, but more like a duty commonly attributed to wife (more like my father being the cook in the house and a really good caretaker who is really considering and cute, and also being the dad figure, when my mom is in the finances business of the house and isn't the best caretaker of all times...) and for they mom respect and consideration, cuz they loved her and wanted to show their love, retributing by marry that guy.

But they were rejected by their mom and their husband, when being their own singular self. When showing they weren't the wife, neither the woman people thought they should be.

Yes, they suit a masc appearance and mannerisms, but it seem dehonest to call them a man. They really don't perform a man image.

Just like non binary transmasc or butches... We aren't really men just bc we are mascs. And we aren't really, by the book, women, solely by the fact we are AFAB.

Why? Cuz it is just like that. Gender isn't the binary we were thought and I wish everyone a really good search and thinking on genderqueer thesis and documents, already documented discussions and a read on "Butch Blues", a watch on "Tomboy", etc.

#blue eye samurai #queer discourse #more like #queer rant #cuz im pissed fearing people are missreading the whole show #just bc Mizu is genderfucking around not giving a single shit about the binary #only doing what makes sense and (i also thinking) better suits and easy theirself in their skin #they wear a binder for fucks sake #it cant be thay they are binary #neither Mulan really was binary to be honest #look at how the movie ended #they weren't shouting “Im a binary woman human being” #they werent denying the improviment on self-realization that they had #also they were seemed to be kinda ok and enjoying it #not like “oh fuck I really hate being in this situation. being persived as a man” #fuck you if you dont agree #by the “but is better to be a men” logic trans women and transfem nonbinary people wouldn't fucking exist #soo fuuuuuck youuuuuu #im really not in to a discussion #this is my statement #not an invitation #if you disagree bc you think those points im criticizing are right #and you also want to talk??? #i just want to punch you in the face you fucking transphobe #this is no discussion #and stop invalidating queer people's history. lives and ownselfs #fuck you #mizu

[theinfinitedivides]

'i'll turn myself in. i'll pay the price. but before that, we need to get Seo Do Young.' hey doesn't that sound suspiciously similar to Dong Sik saying he'd turn himself in after they got [redacted]. which he then did not do until [redacted time period]. are we all still living in the BE timeline

#tv: beyond evil #tv: biography of a villain #beyond evil #biography of a villain #evilive #evillive #shin ha kyun #shin hakyun #yeo jin goo #kim young kwang #kdrama #local gay watches k-dramas.txt #i think we're still living in the BE timeline that's the only reason that line makes sense #anyway i don't think he's serious about this. i think that like my original hypothesis when they first introduced Mr. Cop #he will get so far up the ass of the investigation that Dong Soo will have no choice BUT to kill him. this is a setup i stand by that

[sxnbleachedfiles]

thinking about a kitty anastasia au on this fine night

#anastasia and kit only remembering a lullaby from their loved ones🤓 #im feeling nostalgic so im watching this movie #unstoppable force (having many kitty thoughts) vs irremovibile object (my incapacity to write anything) #ty as dimitri probably doesnt even make sense but its funny #kit is soo lost princess coded #another example: rapunzel #kit herondale #ty blackthorn #the wicked powers #the dark artifices #twp #tda #shadowhunters #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles

[individuating]

blonde sayo is a lie made up so as to keep her from reaching her full potential as a crazy brunette

#umineko spoilers #Grips your shoulders The potency of the pain of sayo looking so little like beatrice is soo juicy. And you choose to water it down for what #I think sayo should look in the mirror desperate for any sign of beato and only find kinzo looking back. sorry for being a tragedy enjoyer. #sorry this is a matter close to my heart. blonde sayo isnt real she cannot hurt me everyone fell for the ep 7 sugarcoated veil she put on #long blonde haired sayo is to liken her to lion. who sayo also made up as an ideal in the same vein as beatrice. its all an illusion #ive talked abt it in greater detail before but it just makes so much more thematic sense for her to not be blonde or blue-eyed…sigh #.me #topic: sayo #me: wow umineko has so many interesting subjects to explore and analyze. unfortunely i must make a 3rd post in regards to sayo’s hair color

[crescentfool]

recently, i’ve been thinking about what a 100% social link/confidant run is like from the perspective of the persona protagonists, rather than the player. i’ve always been a sucker for thinking about the type of narrative created by a person’s gameplay choices (it can be so fun and deep) so!! i wrote this analysis / musing.

some notes before we start: this was written with the lens of persona 3 being the most recent game i played- but the concepts are applicable to the p4/p5 protagonists as well! no spoilers for any of the games are mentioned; this is moreso a general discussion of ludonarrative dissonance with the game mechanics and narrative and how it makes for fun angst (ft. personal interpretation).

(more under the cut!)

the framework: game mechanics

in all of the games, the social link system’s existence coincides with the social stats mechanic. certain social links require a specific set of stats in order to initiate it, or surpass a certain rank. each game has around 20 of these- each of which represent the major arcana (+ some bonuses, e.g. aeon / jester / faith / councilor).

for any players going for a 100% social link run, this basically requires each social stat to be maxed out. anyone who’s followed a guide for a 100% run would know that the beginning of the game tends to be very “strict” with how time can be used, most of which involves getting the stats raised  as soon as possible.

outside of characterization and worldbuilding, completing social links are incentivized for a variety of gameplay reasons. so how could this completionist play style affect the protagonists?

prioritizing social stats over everything else: a general view

regardless of which protagonist you want to put under a petri dish, with a 100% run, you’re essentially asking the protagonist to form amicable bonds with 20 or so people, give or take. granted, not everyone becomes adjoined to the hip to the protagonist.

personally, i feel that forming 20 different bonds over the course of a year would be rather strenuous. during these 100% runs, the protagonists may feel that they’re spreading themselves thin trying to dedicate their resources to multiple different people as well as raising their “social stats.” i find the implications that this has on said bonds is so, utterly fascinating.

while this isn’t reflected in the game and would be better represented within a fic, i find it difficult to believe that this type of behavior doesn’t have any ramifications on the quality of the protagonist’s closer relationships (or their self-image, for that matter).

just… imagine calling one of your close friends but then they consistently give responses along the lines of “lmao sorry i’m busy doing other things,” and they rarely make the time of day for you. how would you feel? gameplay-wise, this deterioration of the relationship is best represented in persona 3 with social links reversing if you haven’t spent time with them in awhile.

part of my fascination with this concept is influenced by my own experiences. trying to maintain so many relationships can be difficult to keep up with and it quickly gets overwhelming (see dunbar’s number for more information). jumping between so many people also makes it difficult to focus on a few relationships meaningfully- meaning that relationships may be limited to being simple pleasantries. even then, ‘successfully’ keeping every relationship satisfying comes at the cost of being unable to pursue your own development and interests.

overall, i think that trying to do so many things ends up lowering the quality of the relationship(s) involved, especially when you also consider the fatigue from going to school as well as fighting shadows.

playing the therapist friend / listening role: a general view

another aspect of the 100% run that i think about is how the protagonists rarely open up to other people. a good chunk of SLs follow a storyline of the protagonist acting as a therapist friend/helping the other person through one central issue. some SLs are an exception to this and have a more casual “we’re just hanging out vibe.”

basically, SLs tend to be weighted toward the other character’s growth, moreso than the protagonist’s (which is handled by the main story). that said, the idea of mostly playing a listening role across most of your relationships and not having many that you feel comfortable to speak freely about your own stuff… feels really unbalanced and unhealthy?

i do think that part of the lack of “input” can be attributed to the silent-protagonist approach taken in the games (which is a whole ‘nother topic). but!! i find that each protagonist’s options, while limited, are fun to think about! some of the traits and interpretations i’ve seen for the differing protags, to name a few, include:

being afraid to open up / get attached and keeping people at arm’s distance as a result

needing to be around other people, even if it’s just listening them, to distract from their own struggles / pretend nothing’s wrong with them

enjoying helping others, being a good and careful listener who can provide an appropriate and helpful response

the willingness to prioritize others over themselves; a lack of self-preservation

compulsive people pleasing

at its worst, the lack of “protagonist talking” or equal reciprocation in response could be misinterpreted by the other person as disinterest (like they’re talking to a wall). alternatively- the lack of “personal tidbits” could be taken as, “you don’t trust me enough to be able to open up, huh.” and i just think that seeing this in a fic would be the biggest shitshow ever (and i would read that).

concluding thoughts:

overall, i feel that the protagonists taking a predominantly listening approach to several relationships at once can lead to compassion fatigue and general burnout. the protagonists are rarely at the receiving end of being listened to and/or having their issues worked through… and that’s kind of sad?

while the 100% social link run can provide great power to any persona fusions (and other cool battle abilities + hijinks)... i ultimately think that there’d be a lot of mental strain that would make achieving this much more difficult when you take a narrative-emphasized approach.

i do realize that it is possible to see the general vibe of this post as “100% social link is bad,” but like… there’s something i find really appealing about the messiness of attempting to manage so many relations at once- only to fall short in several of them and attempting to salvage the last bits of their sanity. when you think about the complications of the 100% SL run from the shoes of the protagonist… yeah!! that’s the good shit!

anyways! if anyone knows of any fics with this kinda vibe for the p3/4/5 protags… feel free to drop it in my askbox… i like them all VERY much :3c… and if this raised any food for thought- i’d be equally honored! let the protags go through shit i wanna see their emotions and coping mechanisms damn it! 👏

#persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #yes it is 3am and im posting this. i couldn't sleep so i wanted to write something that i've been thinking abt as of late :x #highly recommend looking up ludonarrative dissonance btw! if ur interested in game storywriting its SOO interesting bc its definitely- #an occurence that happens every now and then in a video game. persona included. like.. when game mechanics tell one story but the narrative #-ends up contradicting that (or some other thing in reality ends up doing that...). does that even make sense?? #i tried to keep this post general to p3/4/5 but if you know me well enough you'll see how my p3 bias has shaped this post. lmao #i also could go on a tangent about how i feel about orpheus telos as a thing w/rt p3 social links BUT I WONT. unless...? #i have more i want to say on the topic (maybe will do so at a later time) but feel free to ask for more specific hcs with the protags? #maybe not p4kun though just bc ive only watched p4 so i havent had the time to let it sit btwn play sessions #anyway bye im just going to let this float in the void while i sleep. have a good day #meta #hc and au nonsense #lizzy speaks

[fitzrove]

Rant in the tags... I am insufferable

#i keep watching video essays that annoy me..... #largely about like idk 'girlhood' 💀 #and they never make sense or come across as relatable because smth like loneliness or relationship drama or identity for women is ALWAYS #connected to relationship history with men 💀 #and h*terosexuality is treated as an universal aspect of womanhood #this also makes many stories unrelatable to me. a man existing is not a crime but stories saying smth deep about womanhood through how women #feel about men makes it alienating when you don't see the world that way #also idk some video essays are just soo pretentious and the person talking obviously doesnt know enough abt the topic #this doesnt only go for 'girlhood' type essays btw it also goes for the stuff i watch about minecraft and ts2 etc (yeah...) 😂💀 #anyway yeah where is the essay about the universal girl experience of wanting to be crown prince rudolf (JOKING) #no but the thing is... watching dune made me realise... ppl never let a girl be a hero in blockbusters IN THE SAME WAY men get to be #st*r w*rs tried but the overall plot failed in many parts & people couldnt be normal abt it #idk i do think its because of how sex and romance are treated way differently in women's stories....... women never have those happen #just randomly on the side as things that build her up and somewhat affect the hero's journey - it often becomes About The Man #(because often it is a man) #idk #where's girl p*ul atr*ides. where's girl j*sus. where's girl crown prince rudolf #(in my fanfics.... that last one is in my fanfics...) #well just one so far unfortunately 😔

[soldier-poet-king]

Ughhhhh

Like tried to open the "hey I'm thinking abt moving out" discussion and it just. Hm

- why leave when you can save so much money living here

- implications of them being hurt because I'm leaving more because this house is slowly killing me and less because of my horrific 2.5hr daily commute

- I need to live in a community again. I can't do suburbs anymore. Even urban loneliness is better than this. At least there are people about. I can go pop into little shops. Join a club. Deadass wandering around a mall would feel less isolating than this. ANYTHING

- unspoken but present "no one in our family has moved out until they got married", ESP for the women on my mother's side, and even then they moved literally down the street and formed a weird codependent dysfunctionional situation that I can't seem to extricate myself from

- it's expensive but I am going to kill someone and then myself if I have to stay here longer. I haven't had a life since 2020. And yeah partially that's covid and even more so it's Living Here and slowly dying a bit everyday after having been free and on my own for 8 yrs

- I spent those 8 yrs putting myself back together slowly and figuring out who I wanted and needed to be and within a year of being back I came the closest to forced involuntary psychiatric hold that I've ever been and I don't think that's a coincidence. The move is not entirely to blame. But it's hard to help myself in an environment like this one. I'm going to need a whole lifetime to piece myself back together and I still don't think it'll ever sit right or be whole again

- but if I leave who'll look out for bro 3. The baby. The sensitive one. The one most similar in temperament to me. Or it'll hurt my parents feelings and what little progress they've made will backslide and everything will get worse again and maybe my dad will *** and it'll just be. My fault.

-bro 2 fucked off across the country without guilt and I wish I could just not care but unfortunately I was raised to be the therapist and carer and my whole purpose of being is to sacrifice myself for other people's comfort so what else am I supposed to do. I have to make up for myself somehow

- my parents bought a starter home with shitty jobs when they were younger than me. I'm maybe NEVER going to be able to afford property, but if I don't start "wasting" money every month on rent I'm not going to live long enough for that to BE a problem. Let alone things like investing and retirement savings. But what if I lose my job or smthn goes drastically wrong and I end up back here with my tail between my legs anyways. Idk if I could survive that again

I am so goddam tired of every decision I make being the wrong one for my family. Of none of my (significant!) accomplishments mattering because they're not the traditional milestones. No I've never had a relationship, I've never even been in a date or been kissed. I'm a weird unattractive person and that's fine because I'm particular and peculiar about relationships anyway. Even if I hate that and I'm defined by hunger and grief. No I'm not engaged or married with kids. I'm tired of me appearing years behind my peers socially because I had to spend so long recovering from wanting to die all the time that I don't feel my age or maturity level even tho I AM comptent at my job and also just good and social lying to appear friendly and normal. I'm tired of being nanny and therapist and mom and all of these horrible gendered responsibilities that I never wanted and can't escape and have shaped me and ruined me and idk what I am without them and I can't even feel resentful without guilt because isn't that what I'm FOR. What else am I for than that. That's my purpose and my Duty and Obligation and I'm weak and selfish for chafing against it. I'm not allowed to love parts of my family and culture and then hate and resent all the ones that have hurt and trapped me and will continue to do so until either I, or all of them, are dead.

All I did was hurt and/or upset both my parents which makes everything worse for everyone in this hell house and maybe that's not my fault or responsibility but it sure feels like it is, and I can't escape it regardless.

I'm so goddam tired

#franposting #just whining its. #yeah #suicide mention cw #IM FINE DW IM TAGGING TO BE SAFE FOR OTHERS #im deeply miserable but im fine. i even ate dinner AND fruit #AND made lunch for tmrw #im just. gonna go watch arcane. or read naruto. both of which will hurt me #but maybe it needs to be external rn #work tmrw. and soo many meetings bc my boss is back and i have to like. showcase that i was ok left alone for 2 weeks #and was actually productive #why am i here. whats the purpose. the reason. the goal of it all. what am i supposed to be doing #beyond simple hollow pleasures to keep me going #so i can drag myself out of bed everyday out of a sense of duty #and that i have to keep going bc maybe itll make the world even the slightest bit better than i found it #and im now allowed any easy outs #i. am once again. going to do a hair mask. literally the only emotional cure all i know other than booze. which is. bad. obvs

[goldiipond]

ohh so ray uses his scarf to hide his id number. ok well what if i hurt someone

#skye's ramblings #going through the artbook again for icon reasons how the hell did i not notice this bit about ray's scarf. demizu this fucking breaks me #just. ggooouhghg agh. gah. the fuact that his scarf covering his id is intentional. whaat the fuuuuuuck!!! what the fuck!! #it makes sense though yknow. with ray using the moments before his suicide attempt to loudly declare his humanity #with ray constantly being dehumanized and hating himself for several years at gracefield #with ray still struggling to accept himself after that #for him to be the only kid who consciously chooses to cover the id number used to dehumanize them. it fuckin hits #wjatever im normal im soo fucking normal. don't fucking talk to m #and btw he also never takes the blue scarf off because he is autistic. hope this helps