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#sometimes i just feel like im faking everything faking my pain faking being a lesbian faking like I've gone thru trauma cus all i ever hear
plounce · 4 years
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(1/2) god im sorry if this is weird but i really dont know who to talk to about this.. basically im having a wlw crisis because. ive never been in a relationship. i know i like guys. and ive always been questioning if maybe i like girls too? for like 6 years now :| and its so frustrating because im repressing everything because my vaguely homophobic mother is the most important person in my life (n im financially dependend on my parents) n sometimes i just wonder..if i would know a lot more abou
sorry for the delay - i like to answer longer asks on my laptop + i never got your part 2! so i will just ramble some “advice” on the general subject of being attracted to girls and dealing with parents.
to relate a part of my personal experience: when i was in high school i identified as bisexual. for my senior year i spent half my time freaking out over whether i was a lesbian (this terrified me because i was in a relationship with someone who was not yet out as a trans girl... so in the end the whole thing ended up being resolved fairly neatly lol. not relevant so anyway:) and then my freshman year of college i was like “i don’t think other bi women have told themselves ‘everyone has to learn what you’re supposed to be attracted to in men, i just have to learn and then i’ll understand’......... i think i AM a lesbian.”
that was about 4 years ago. the last two years have had occasional spates of “oh god oh god ive tricked myself into thinking im attracted to women oh god oh god im a fake lesbian im a lug” (this is due to my own weird relationship with sex and my neurodivergence and the difference between real men and fictional men etc etc. it’s extremely personal business that i don’t want to dig into very deeply publicly but that’s the general idea of it).
oh god i truly spent a stupid amount of text talking about myself in a way that isn’t super relevant to your situation. anyway my point is - attraction (romantic AND sexual) is very difficult to grasp for a lot of people, especially when you have issues that can interact with how you experience it - like your mom, for example.
something that has been helpful for me when i think about all this is like... imagine ten years in the future, married to a woman. idyllic domestic mornings. can you imagine going to a farmers market with a woman, holding hands? does that feel exciting, something to look forward to? untense your brain and just let yourself daydream. what kind of happy endings feel good and right to you? who can you imagine standing in the kitchen making pancakes in their pajamas and putting a smile on your face?
also, wrt to bisexuality - your attraction to women and men can manifest differently. you can also have different “amounts” of attraction - 70% attracted to men, 30% to other genders, etc. it can also be difficult to really quantify your attraction without actual data.
i’m sorry to hear you’re in that rock and a hard place. it sounds like there might be some difficult decisions in your future. you probably already know this, but you aren’t obligated to come out to anybody, and you aren’t obligated to come out as soon as you make a decision on your identity. it’s your personal business. but also, i have an uncle who runs a christian charter school and was terrified about coming out to him and he turned out to be extremely chill about it! even as my mother fretted about it and injected fretting into me (she also was like “don’t post about being gay on facebook if you ever want to get hired as a teacher” lol. it wasn’t malicious she’s just... a worrier).
it’s your choice to come out to your parents and it’s your decision when to do it - if you want to wait until you’re a bit more dependent and keep it in your back pocket til then and continue to let it percolate, that’s your choice! also, since you and your mom seem really close, she might take it better than you think. it might be a little ... awkward... for a bit, but in my experience “saying something vaguely derisive about gays on tv” and “my beloved child is bi” can be two very different things for parents. but again, i don’t know all the details of your life, so here’s a grain of salt.
tl;dr i get your pain on a couple levels and feel sympathy for the ones on which i don’t. figuring out sexuality is very weird, especially in a society that doesn’t give us a good idea of what wlw attraction is besides “the lack of attraction to men”, and you don’t even have that! i hope this at least helped you feel heard and i hope you continue along your journey happily + healthily. :)
prize for reaching the end of the post: ancient lolcat
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werevulvi · 5 years
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Face my fragmentation
“The distinction between performance and reality, always caught up entangled Not knowing if what I know is truth, or beliefs carefully mangled Did my past deception ring true at the end or am I just reconciling with what I cannot bend? In the sanctuary of my own home, do I wear my true face? As it changed with time and testosterone, its nuances shifted out of place With my senses hightened outside, I'm unaware of what I hide Yet I call for no reduction of what I became; I remain yet the same I thrifted pieces of my shame, to once again be restored into pride I'm perpetually misjudged by my appearance, but I let it slide for the sake of my privacy, when the need to know basis is none but it still twists my gut, telling me that my womanhood is gone Have I sought to become what I already am, or am I trying to be what is beyond my reach; a pipedream of tricks and tragedy Wearing stage makeup for casual pursuits, the tedium I'm trying to exhale but I cannot differentiate freedom from what's cheaply on sale And I begin to wonder, if what's chasing me is my destination if I should turn around to further face my fragmentation My bits of male and female; chafing together, comforting apart each belonging to different pieces of my shattered heart” Ah, the perpetual confusion continues! I still feel as though I've some amount of conflict between what I consider my male traits and female parts. That I like them all but can't quite put them together. And I'm thinking that has something to do with my traumatised mind still being very fragmented, despite having integrated with my alter. Like that integration didnt exactly make all of my dissociative symptoms go away. And being in a constant dissociative fog surely makes it hard to figure out what is me being true to myself or accidentally creating yet another persona. Especially considering much of my dysphoria was caused by the traumas that also caused my dissociative issues. So how I perceive my body both genderly and in general are very linked together. There's no clear distinction yet every aspect of me is so far apart. Like two similar things placed in two different rooms, and the time it takes to walk from one thing to the other makes you forget how different or similar they actually are. I dont think my body or my mind being androgynous makes me any less female or not a woman, its not that. But I'm not blind to how the rest of the world sees me and I'm also not immune to its effects on how I perceive myself as a consequence. I have thought, although only in sheer desperation, about if it would be easier to "just" live as a feminine trans man. But I dont want to cause it goes against everything I feel about myself as a woman. It would be like admitting defeat. Like saying it actually was "too late" into transition for me to detrans. And I'm not the kind of person who gives up about what matters to me really a lot. Not that I dont give up easily, but that I simply DON'T give up. Like no matter how hard it is. I keep trying until I manage, and only sometimes temporarily retreat. And I know that my fight/right to be a woman is something that I cannot and wont give up on. No matter how much I'll stumble and fall. But how do I conquer these obsticles? And how do I learn to live as an ambiguous woman who's constantly perceived as male? How do I handle this consatant feeling of having been robbed of my womanhood? How difficult it is to feel welcome in any lesbian community or women only space in general, when looking like a man (i.e a threat). Worrying about being tossed out of bathrooms cause I'm too scared of walking into the mens room to put on makeup, while wearing a dress and fake boobs. Worrying about locker rooms for when I'll start practicing karate again, as I highly doubt there will be a gender neutral option for that. Cause im terrified of showering naked with a bunch of naked men, cause open showers is standard in my country, and I'm sure that other women in their locker room would freak out if I walked in there, cause that's happened before. I know I'll have to have a conversation with the instructors at that karate club about my locker room issue, but still.
That is why I still hold off on starting practicing at my island's only karate club, but it's a dream that I cannot hold off on forever. I'm thinking it might be easier to "prove my case" when I'm legally female again, and for other practical reasons it would be more convenient to wait until after my breast reconstruction surgery has been done and healed properly as well. But how I'm perceived by others based solely on my looks (and voice) will continue to be ambiguous at best, as I'm keeping and cherishing my traits from testosterone. It's not that I care about random people's opinions of me, cause I don't. It's that it makes those kinds of social situations difficult to deal with and solve. And I feel like I'm stuck in a tight web about it. The ways in which my dysphoria slithers around in me is confusing and exhausting to try to figure out and get a grasp of. But I've come to understand now that basically: as a trans man I was happy with what testosterone did for me and I for the first started finally liking parts of my body. It was an over all positive experience for me. But I hated living as a man and forcing myself to be masculine. It felt like a burden that alienated me, as I couldn't connect to either men or other women anymore, and I felt that more and more over the years, like some abstract force that became mysteriously heavier over time. Until I understood that I was going against my nature. It felt good at first, but then felt increasingly heavier and like a burden, that social role and the lie that I tried to become. Top surgery (about 5 years into my social transition) made it worse cause it was such a jarring experience. Sadly, I hated my breasts until the day they were gone... then I missed them. It only traded one kind of suffering for another, and I had no idea that would happen. That made me even more confused, but I was afraid of my feelings so I bottled them and shoved them away. For 4 years.
Then when I started healing from my traumas and I began to fall in love with my body and my personality, detransition was just around the corner and it happened so fast. It was literally like I woke up that morning feeling like I was a man like always, and when I went to bed that night I knew I was a woman and regretted it all. As well as instantly ditching the masculinity I had forced myself into, for my long lost femininity. That strong contrast was a tad overwhelming!
However, now reflecting back on it, I don't think most of that instant regret I felt was really that, but rather that it was an expression of my inner conflict between the liberation of finally connecting with my womanhood for the first time ever, and my love for my male physical traits that clashed with the idea of womanhood that had been imprinted into my brain by society. Or to put it more simply: my love for my androgynous body clashed with my false view of myself as a traditionally feminine woman. I felt stuck with my androgyny when in fact there was never anything wrong with either me or my androgyny, but I couldn't put it together with being a woman. Cause I felt suddenly threatened by it. I felt like I was somehow newly a woman, and my old-fashioned, conservative view of what I thought women "should" look like made me attack the one thing I had finally come to love, which was what had brought me to see myself as a woman to begin with: my body. Eventually, as I became more stable over time in my detransition, I started to find my way back to that love I always had for my male traits, and tried to basically integrate them into my newfound womanhood, but that was and still is a struggle. Even just getting myself to walk outside with a beard visible on my face and with any amount of confidence to do so, since detransing, has taken me around 6 months so far, and it's still a work in progress. I keep fighting it, viewing my facial hair as a threat to my womanhood while still loving it. Is it right, is it wrong, that I still love my beard? I know that does not matter, but my emotions don't give a fuck about that. They won't listen to reason. But I see that I am beautiful with strikingly intense looks, self-love and pride showing through behind a hesitant smile, when I allow myself to wear my beard like the part of my body that it now is. I do not want to get rid of it, but I definitely want to get rid of the social stigma around bearded women with deep voices. But that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. So I'm gonna have to live with that stigma, reluctantly.
And even during that time, I sometimes, or even most of the time, directed my frustration with being misgendered towards my beloved male traits, as if they were the enemy and not society. Cause I'm just as much forced to live in this society as I am forced to live with my own body... it takes much work to not let either of those two drive me crazy. Having and keeping my male features literally does me no harm at all. Especially not considering I'm no longer taking the testosterone, only keeping its permanent effects. Actually I think trying to reverse those effects would be more harmful than keeping them. I know I'd always rather listen to my heart than society when it comes to making any kinds of permanent changes to my body. But I'll still hear society, regardless of how much I don't listen to it. And sometimes what it says just fucks me up and makes me sad. I know I would be dysphoric again if I got rid of my male traits. I know because for everytime I've considered it and used any sort of words like "removing" or "lasering off" or "getting rid of" those traits, it has made my stomach turn in a mentally painful twist. And I know because I'd regret it if I got rid of them. That I would grieve their loss, just like I grieved the loss of my breasts. And I don't wanna go through that with any more parts of my body. Even just thinking about it makes me wanna protect myself.
Truth is I don't wanna look either completely female or completely male, as for my physical appearance. But I'm fine with simply being biologically female regardless of how I want to appear. It's a fact I've no issue with anymore, and I'm no longer dysphoric about any of my remaining female parts, like I used to be. But I do not want to again look like I never transitioned to begin with. I do not miss my voice being higher pitched at all, or having a smooth face, a less hairy body or a smaller clit. My style is mostly feminine, but my body is a mix of male and female traits.
(Just to clarify, I use the word "male" instead of "masculine" when it comes to my transitioned physical traits because masculinity is a social construct, but such physical traits (like beards, deep voices, etc) are much more closely associated with male biology than any social construct. And vice versa for my female traits.) Am I less female for having some additional male traits? No, I'm still 100% female, but now with some additional male traits. I'm a woman who went through both female and male puberty, hormonally. And I like it that way, but I never liked to regularly dress masculine, and I've also never liked having a totally female-appearing body and face either. I've wanted a deep voice and facial hair ever since I was 12 years old. Whatever it means, it's not a new or sudden wish. I've had it for most of my life, which is probably why I'm so happy to have those traits now. But I also don't and can't think of myself as a feminine man, no matter how much I look like one on the surface. It's just an illusion, a consequence of my transition+style. It was a choice, and I really don't know if I regret that choice or not. Transitioning, as a whole, didn't quite turn out as I had intended. I guess that's all I really know for sure. My chest is now my only source of dysphoria. Cause I guess I can regret top surgery without also regretting testosterone. Or maybe I just want new boobs regardless of if I have chest dysphoria or not, and consider the risks of getting new boobs worth it to connect better with my body as a beautiful (not necessarily in a sexual way) and comforting meatsuit to carry around my soul (or brain, if you don't believe in souls) in. I kinda intend for my detransition to take me "halfway back" in a sense. Like two steps forward and one step back. I see myself as a woman now only cause I made peace with my body being female, but I don't really think I have an actual gender per se. I don't identify AS a woman, although in a sense I do identify WITH womanhood; as in female biology, actually natural femininity and being a lesbian.
My androgynous looks are intentional now, and I intend to rock it as well as I can. My body is solely for myself, but of course I can't and shouldn't hide completely from others just because they're not my target audience. My body is my only true home and I don't like it too plain and undecorated. I'm not a minimalist by far, I feel comforted and up-lifted by some colours, tinsel and patterns in my near presense to brighten up the gloom in my tortured mind. Looking fancy for no particular occasion, for my mental health, is a good and quite harmless type of self-care. Although perhaps not ideal, it's still far better than self-harm. Ultimately, how I perceive myself is just as a woman, and neither my transition to male nor my detransition to physically nonbinary quite reflect that, but they don't need to. But what my detransition does need is work the fuck together with my self-perception. I'm scavenging for a strategy to achieve that kind of inner team work. I know this text became really long, but I wanted to still include all that reflecting on my transition and detransition so far. Cause I wouldn't have ended up here without all those experiences. (And no I won’t make this post a “read more” thing cause I know you guys are too lazy to click on such things.)
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lovebunnie · 5 years
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Do all the asks coward
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1. what does your wallet look like?
-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:
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2. favorite color?
- baby pinnk
3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?
-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.
4. describe your favorite outfit
-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]
5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?
-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))
6. do you use nail polish?
-i do, i mostly do black tho
7. do you keep organized?
-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN
8. ever take naps?
-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later
9. who was your first crush?
-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.
10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?
-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk
11. describe your ideal day
-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)
12. describe your ideal date
-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!
13. whats your favorite food?
-either sushi or strawberries :3c
14. who do you feel most comfortable around?
-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble
15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?
-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry
16. did you/do you like highschool?
-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing
17. favorite animal?
-i think its cats now. i really like cats
18. do you like your name?
-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk
19. what kind of weather is your favorite?
-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure
20. do you believe in horoscopes?
-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them
21. tell us about your music taste
-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will
22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?
-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet
23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?
-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once
24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?
-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me
25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?
-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]
26. do you have any pets?
-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine
27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?
-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway
28. what makes you smile?
-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise
29. what makes you feel heavy?
-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread
30. what makes you feel better?
-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed
31. how do you show your love?
-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening
32. when is it time to get a haircut?
-whenever u want to lol?
33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?
-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city
34. do your friends and family take good care of you?
-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit
35. have you always used the labels you use now?
-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me
36. what makes you laugh?
-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me
37. who is your favorite fictional character?
-too many options, see list here
38. who do yo admire?
-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me
39. describe yourself in three words
-i am baby
40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 
-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes
41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?
-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!
42. what would you do if you win the lottery?
-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water
43. would you call yourself a romantic?
-yes
44. what is your gayest childhood memory?
-my mom had cosmos magazines
45. do you have tattoos or want any?
-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain
46. whats your worst habit?
-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends
47. what are you proud of?
-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))
48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?
-hi i love you?
49. whats your favorite memory?
-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out
50. do you have a sweet tooth?
-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties
51. what do you like most about yourself?
-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes
52. what makes you fall for a girl?
-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it
53. make a recommendation
-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix
54. have you ever had your heart broken?
-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again
55. when do you feel most yourself?
-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit
56. name a gorgeous celeb
-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 
57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?
-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz
58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears
-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love
-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college
59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?
-raspberry i guess
60. are you okay?
-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.
gobble you test me but i do love you
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fuckyeahexofics · 6 years
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fic search #159
Please use the reply function to answer these. If you do use the ask box (and we prefer you don’t) please give link, # of fic search and # of item in the search. Thank you.
1. Let Me Keep You  by SapphireSeptember (pairing is Kaisoo)
ive been looking for this story and i dont recall who recced it. it was a vampire au with ksoo and (i believe) sehun as the main pairing and the vampires also have mama powers. and sehun sneaks into the city but looks like a child so kyungsoo (a librarian) takes care of him + then minseok or junmyeon have to find sehun + theyre his bodyguards. i think bbh was sehun’s brother + kris + yixing his parents. smth abt pcy being ksoo’s friend who died mysteriously a while back too. (1/2)
(2/2) also there was smth abt like having to kill ksoo to make him a vampire and junmyeon didnt think he would survive it bc it was difficult and painful but he does. all this starts bc sehun is like a vampire prince who lives isolated in the woods and just wants to see the city like in the stories minseok tells him. thank you so much!!!
2. The Proposal by jacktbfh
 hello! im looking for a fic, it was baekyeol and baekhyun had to marry chanyeol, who was his assistant i think, and basically had to fake that they were engaged. and so baek and him went chanyeols parents house who told them they had to get married there and it was a big mess lmfao, but at the end they did end up liking each other. it was suuuper funny.
3.
Hey, I'm looking for a fic. it's kris/lay fantasy fic and I think Kris was some kind of magician/sorcerer and he takes lay under his wing to train him as an apprentice to become his successor. it might have been based off the manga mahoutsukai no yome/the ancient magnus bride but I could be wrong. Thanks.
4.
Hi I’m looking for a fic that I can’t remember the name of but I’m sure I read it on aff also the main ship was XIU-CHEN and they were like parents to Tao. There was other pairings in the story as well and it was a Wolfau i think. I also remember a part in the story where I think Chen was supposed to marry xiumin sister but instead he fell for xiumin and she’s gone crazier because of that and hates them
5.
Hi! So uhm, i'm currently looking for this kaisoo drabble/oneshot fic, from aff, around 2012-2014? So kai was told by his mother to do this sort of karate/taekwondo/judo, because his mother thought his body didn't have abs anymore lol, and kyungsoo was his tutor. Kai was kinda the oldest among the participants there, and there was this sexual frustrations? A little bit of smut happened at the end I think. I'll be thankful and happy if you manage to find the title, thank you so much!
6.
Hi admins, I hope you all doing alright. I need help finding a fic, it's a kaisoo genderswitch. I remember girl Kai going to a club and leaving with Kyungsoo and they have sex and there's a mirror on Kyungsoo's room where she sees Ksoo has a dragon tattoo, and the next morning when she goes to work she finds out Ksoo is her new boss. Hope you can help me. Thanks in advance
7.
Hi! I'm looking for a hunhan fic that was originally in chinese but got translated to english on livejournal if I remember correctly. It's about how hunhan were childhood friends and sehun grew feelings for luhan but never confessed, until one day luhan was leaving sehun was pissed and didn't send him off. But luhan left a message: "you will always be my green plum bamboo horse". If you can't find it could you rec any childhood hunhan/kailu fics? thanks!!!
8. This is heaven (what I truly want) by lehunn in 8gmilk
Hi, I've been looking everywhere for a fic I found a while ago on LJ where Sehun is a camboy and he uses toys in front of a camera and then an 'anonymous' user asks him to use a bottle? (I think the author verified in the notes or comments that the anon was luhan later) would be great if you guys could help me find it))
9.
im looking for a sebaek fic i started reading months ago and never finished. it was set in the united states, where there were only a few korean families in town. i think sehun might have been an immigrant, he got bullied sometimes by white kids in the school. baekhyun had some flashy/scene style and the other dudes thought he was gay so he was usually alone. sehuns family was very traditional while baekhyun had a lesbian single mom. i dont remember the plot other than this setting, sorry
10. Mr. and Mr. Kim by satsumasama
Hello, I'm looking for a fic with kai and kyungsoo in it. I remember reading it from AFF. Both kyungsoo and kai are some sort of agents but from a different agency. They are married but they did not know that they're both assasins/agents. Then kai got a mission to eliminate kyungsoo. Kai was shaken and tried to act normal. In the end they confronted each other at their apartment, destroying everything. sehun, tao, are sent in as backups. fighting also happened at the parking and car.
thanks to CHOCOLATERUN, BOYSBEFREE, SOO-MY-FANGIRL-HEART and anons!
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@azzythedreemurr this post ended up super fucking long. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and your post inspired me to actually write it all out, since I get the feeling that you might actually listen. 
I wanted it to be its own post so it’ll show up in tags and whatnot, and I’m going to put a 'keep reading’ here so that people can skip it faster, if they want. 
I implore you {and anyone else reading} to read everything I have to say and really give it thought before responding. Some of it will likely trigger a negative response, I know because I’ve been in your position before and I would immediately dismiss anything that went against what I believed. Please read this with an open mind. As I say at the end of this, I’m seriously trying to present a compromise and a way to move forward so that both sides get what they want and can move on from this nonsense.
{This is the post I’m responding to, for anyone who wants to read from the source. I’ve copied most of it here but for transparency's sake I’ll link to it.}
Realizing that theres a clear line between Gender and Sex is super important, and i plead that you re-educate yourself on this matter.
If you're not one of the ones denying biology, you aren’t the problem. I don't give a fuck about people identifying as whatever gender they want. I think it's stupid, since gender isn't real, but as long as you're not coming at me and telling me I should identify with a gender (like telling me I should call myself cis instead of just woman. I don't identify as a woman, I just am one by nature.) we don’t have an issue.
There are, however, people hell bent on removing all distinctions between sex and gender. That is what I was referring to.
IDK what exactly you want me to ‘re-educate’ myself on, since it seems we’re in agreement.
What Im saying, is that people who transition from amab to female [...]
You can't transition from male to female. You can't change your biology. You can alter the appearance of your biology through hormones and surgery, but trans males will always be male. 
Gender, as we’ve established, is separate from sex. They can call themselves trans women, I don't care. But they'll always be trans women, not women. Words mean something. And the word woman is already defined as adult human female. We need to keep language like that intact, otherwise women don’t have a unifying word to talk about our specifically FEMALE issues. 
IDK if you’ve noticed but, radical feminists in general use ‘female’ now to talk about female specific issues, out of respect for the people who identify as some other gender and view ‘woman’ as something gendered. We’re working for liberation of ALL females, even those we don’t necessarily agree with. Expecting us to also give up ‘female’ as a way to refer to our biology is way out of line. It’s effectively silencing us about the collective experience of being female. And no, ‘uterus bearer’ or ‘menstruator’ or any other words that have been thought up to replace it don’t work. None of those words takes into account the collective experience of having a female body. 
Female is a holistic term, and that is important to keep intact for us.
that date women are equal to women who date women. [...]
They are equal, obviously, as humans we should respect each other and treat each other as equals.
Because they’re both women who date women.
They’re not both women who date women, though. Trans women who date women are trans women who date women.
Trans woman is defined as someone male who identifies as the gender identity referred to as “woman.”
Women are adult human females.
Neither of these definitions require anyone to agree on what ‘feeling like a woman’ means.
The trans woman gets to say she’s a trans woman, and women get to keep the word that refers to their biology. Win win, in my book.
I’m of the opinion that differences should be celebrated, not suppressed. Differences between trans women and women need to be talked about, and not denied. Biological differences are important. As has been established, we agree on that.
An example of what happens when we don’t talk about differences in biology is this new trend of trans women claiming they have periods. If they are having intense stomach pains, they need to see a doctor. That is not a period, because they don’t have the biology required to have a period, but it could very well be an indication of something seriously wrong. Or it could be gas lol.
And there’s also trans women saying that peeing blood is the same as a period, but peeing blood is NOT normal, and it is certainly NOT the same as when women bleed. I thought we had gotten past males thinking that women bleed from the same place they pee out of, but I guess not! ;)
Second of all, No shit gender is a social construct. Gender is more fake than a terf saying “I support trans people”. I identify as agender myself, so we should both know how fucking stupid gender is as a concept in whole.
Good, we’re still on the same page about gender being objectively fake. The difference is that your side is expecting me to treat it as something real. You’re not doing that, that’s great, but you need to understand that trans activism has become obsessed with forcing everyone to center themselves around ‘gender.’ If you’re serious about not seeing gender as a real thing, and in fact seeing it as stupid, you should be using your time to talk to the trans activists who basically worship gender. Not arguing with the people who agree with you more than you think.  
I advise you stop using "terf." It's become nothing more than a silencing tactic because, in my experience, everyone who uses it has a different reason behind it. It doesn't tell me anything as you what you think I'm saying or believe.
Also? You saying that gender and sex are different would get you called a terf by some trans activists. Just a heads up.
Could you elaborate on what you mean when you call me a terf? I genuinely want to know, because if you’re assuming something incorrect about me I’d like the chance to correct it.
Finally: “we realized that none of this trans bullshit actually holds up against critical examination.” Define “None of this trans bullshit” [...]
What I mean by trans bullshit is:
The denial of biological sex. You’ve said you recognize a difference between gender and sex, and you find that distinction important, but your buddies don't anymore. That's a problem.
Insistence on ‘brain sex’ despite all the evidence against it.
Forced assignment of non trans people with the word ‘cis.’ I don’t identify as a gender, I am a woman because I’m an adult human female. I don’t need a word forced on me that means ‘not trans’ or ‘not nonbinary.’
The concept of ‘cis privilege.’ I’ve read through those lists, and as someone who doesn’t conform to the expectations of my sex I don’t actually have most of them. And, most of the ones I’ve seen aren’t actually privileges for women. Being seen as a woman? How is that a privilege?
Forcing everyone to define their sexuality to be based on gender instead of sex.
Bullying lesbians, and bi women who don’t want to date males, into including trans women in their dating pool.
Bullying gay men, and bi men who don’t want to date females, into including trans men in their dating pool. This happens far less, but it’s important to mention.
Bullying straight people, and bi people who only want to date the opposite sex, into dating people of the same sex just because they identify as the gender associated with the opposite sex. Again, happens far less but important to mention here.
Colonizing lesbianism and allowing males to call themselves lesbian, even though a lesbian is a female homosexual.
Changing the definitions of words that we need to remain the same so we can talk about issues and oppression effectively. Words that indicate biological sex, words to talk about sexuality based on biological sex, even the words referring to female biology are being altered (front hole?? Really??)
Lobbying for laws that change protections based on sex into protections based on gender. I don’t mind laws that protect gender identity, I think there should be legal recourse for someone who has been treated unfairly by the government due to their gender identity. Just like I believe in having people protected from being treated unfairly for their religious beliefs. Those laws would also protect people who don’t conform to the expectations of their sex. It’s beneficial to everyone. The issue is that, so far, trans activists haven’t been trying to get new laws created, they’ve been trying to get current laws protecting women changed.
Denial of wrongdoing by trans women. I get that trans activists want to protect trans women, but it’s gone way too far. They’re now defending and denying trans women raping females, and are guilting people out of talking about abuse they’ve experienced at the hands of trans women. It’s alarming how many stories there are about trans women behaving in a very much male way and their victims being silenced and convinced they need to not talk about it in order to protect the trans community.
Denial of the proven fact that trans women commit violence at a similar rate to males as a whole.
The insistence on using ‘correct’ pronouns for abusers and rapists. A person using ‘he’ to describe their trans woman abuser should not be punished or ‘called out.’ Victims have the right to talk about their abuser however they damn well please. This is sometimes excused because it ‘hurts trans women and tells them that we will only respect their gender identity under certain circumstance.’ Yeah, the circumstances of not being a fucking rapist or abuser???
The expectation by trans women of being included in every female space. Females need space away from males. Trans women can, and do, make their own spaces for their own needs. Women should get the same respect. Why is it that trans people get space away from ‘cis’ people, but females don’t get space away from males?
The lgbT community centering everything they do around gender. I dunno about you and your local pride center, but mine has 4 different programs exclusively centered around trans and nonbinary people. Two for youth and two for adults. They have one for adult women, and that program is open to anyone who identifies as a woman. There’s one for adult men, and again it’s for anyone identifying as a man. There are none for girls or boys. And then there are a few that are for the whole community. If we tried to organize something for ‘females’ and one for ‘males’ the backlash would be intense, and it would likely be shut down before it even began. Even if we made it clear that ALL females, regardless of gender identity, and ALL males, regardless of gender identity, were welcome to their respective programs. 
I can provide sources for these if you want, but I didn’t want to make this post longer than it is. I have posts that detail these saved elsewhere, so I can get them for you.
Again, if you personally are not doing these things that’s great. However, the other people who use ‘terf’ and attack radical feminists are doing them. Ignoring that doesn’t help anyone.
because the way you said that, gives me a feeling that you mean “Trans woman dating woman is hurting lesbians uwuwuwu”
I don’t think trans women dating women is hurting lesbians. I think trans women calling themselves lesbians is hurting lesbians.
Lesbian means, as I said earlier, female homosexual. This is an important word to keep so that we can talk about how they are oppressed specifically because they experience the intersection of:
misogyny (which is defined as prejudice against females, NOT anyone who “identifies as woman” because ‘gyn’ refers to female biology) and
homophobia (which is prejudice against same sex attracted people).
Trans women who are exclusively attracted to females are heterosexual. To be clear, I don’t expect them to call themselves straight, especially if they’re stealth. But they need to come up with a different word to use to mean ‘trans woman attracted to females’, because lesbian is taken. It is appropriation for them to use the word lesbian when they don’t fit the definition of it. Lesbian means female homosexual, and since a trans woman’s sex is male she can’t be a female homosexual. Pretty simple, I think.
And, if they’re open to people of both sexes, they should be calling themselves bisexual. If they only want to date woman identified people, that’s cool. But they’re still bisexual because bisexual means being attracted to both males and females.
There are trans people who are exclusively attracted to one sex. They are also being hurt in this campaign to get sexuality to refer to gender. They deserve to be respected in their sexuality, and currently they are not. They are being silenced right alongside non trans homosexuals.
Respecting differences of opinion and belief: 
As long as we’re on the same page about gender and sex being different, I don’t think there should be any issue. Me not believing in gender doesn’t mean that I can’t respect someone’s beliefs about gender. I don’t believe in Christianity, or any religion, and I don’t go around harassing Christians, or other religious people. As long as they just live their lives and leave me out of it, we don’t have an issue. The only time I have a problem with them is when they try to change laws that affect me or come at me and try to convert me to their beliefs. Or if they insist on me referring to myself with some word that specifically means I’m not of their faith. I’m an atheist, that indicates a disbelief in any religion. I don’t need to be assigned a word that means ‘not Christian’ or ‘not Jewish’ or ‘not Muslim.’
It’s the same for trans activists. I don’t misgender anyone, I don’t go out of my way to trigger actual disphoria or even social disphoria. I’ll use the names they choose, I won’t ask what their ‘real name’ is because I find that insulting to them and just plain unnecessary. I’ll use their pronouns, assuming I understand HOW to use them since some of them use odd sets. And if I don’t know how to use them, I’ll just use their name (or ‘they’) the whole time I speak about them.  
Tbh, I respect trans people in general more than I respect Christians in general. I know you might not believe that, but it’s the truth. 
The issues arise when they do the things I listed in the trans bullshit part of this post. If they didn’t do that shit, I would be perfectly content with a live and let live attitude towards them.
Moving forward:
There is a lot of work to be done to erase the damage that’s been caused by trans activists insisting that biological sex isn’t real. I think that trans activists who, like yourself, recognize the important distinction between gender and sex can work with the radical feminists who, like myself, respect gender identity. We could potentially come up with a solution that works for both sides. The LGBT communities in other parts of the world don’t have these kinds of conflicts, and I would like to follow their lead and end this insane war. But that’s only going to happen if we start working together.
Especially those of us who are visibly sex stereotype non conforming. We have a lot of the same experiences, and we should be working together and talking about them together instead of dividing ourselves based on what ‘gender’ we do or don’t identify with. Trans women should be working with other males who don’t conform to sex stereotypes, regardless of if they identify as trans or nonbinary. Trans men should be working with other females who don’t conform, too.
Find the commonalities, and celebrate and respect the differences. It’s a simple thing that has been warped by this shit.
I’ve posted a lot of angry things to this blog, but I genuinely don’t want to be angry about this anymore. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want this hatred, I don’t want this community to be eating each other alive because I think it only benefits conservatives and bigots. We’re giving all our attention to this bullshit when we could be working for the protection and happiness of all of us.
I’m tired. I want to work with people who are just as tired to end this.
This is an olive branch. Take it or leave it. 
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probablysapphic · 7 years
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Im having a v tough time coming to terms with who i am, like my family is very cishet and hate anything otherwise, and i am neither cis nor hetero (i identify as a nonbinary lesbian) and i feel like im faking it or something and ill just end up a housewife to some Hetero™ and i just???? Idk what to do what if i realize that im not who i think i am and i end up hurting my girl??? Idk what to do
I’m so sorry that you had to wait a couple of days for my answer. I didn’t feel like I had the right words but I’ll do my best.
Okay. First of all: Everything you feel is normal, try not to beat yourself up over it. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I really wish I could do something to make things easier for you. Figuring out who you are is for most of us no easy task and our cis- and heteronormative society isn’t a big help there. It’s awful that your family is so closed-minded, you truly deserve a loving and open environment and I sincerely hope that you find people you feel safe around and who accept you for who you are.
Feeling like you’re faking it is so so common, I can tell you that much. People who aren’t cis and/or straight have little representation, there’s so much homo-, bi-, and transphobia and misinformation around us, and we are taught since we are born that being cis and being straight is the only way to be - all of that is automatically and easily internalized. And it’s hard to overcome.
I know it’s scary to think about that but you are not a bad person even if what you feel right now is a phase. It could be. Or it’s not. Sometimes, for some people, sexuality and gender are more fluent than for others, you could find out new things about yourself, decide to change labels, etc. Or you don’t. Try not to stress too much about that. It’ll all be okay. You are valid. What you feel is valid. If it changes, it’s valid, if it doesn’t, it is, too.
The sad truth is, nobody is immune to pain. All of us are capable of hurting people and of being hurt by them. Just be honest with yourself and with others (if it’s safe for you to do so) about how and what you feel (my go to tip again).
You’ll find someone wonderful, and you’ll love them and they’ll love you back and everything will be just fine. I promise. If you ever want to talk or rant or anything, just send me another ask or message me. You’re always welcome. You are beautiful inside an out and everything you feel, everything you are, everything you want to be is valid and good and it’s gonna be okay.
I’m sending you lots of love and comfort. Stay strong. You’re amazing.
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la-mise-en-abime · 7 years
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my heart yearns for you, i never wanted to be comic, i always thought it would be better to be funny in real life and not have to muster it and waste it on stage, and have people be surprised when you weren't as funny in real life, i always found that dissapointing when it happened to me, like that person was an apparition of themselves an empty shell. And wow I've come to realise how sad this existence is, or maybe its just the pattern of believing in your self, there are certainly dips. my heart yearns for you and i think fuck, was i supposed to have gone with you, was i supposed to have been all these things, what if we’d never met. I hope I can separate myself from you and form my own being, we were growing together and were not growing apart yet but maybe i need a change. This year has been weird, so wonderful, and so weird, and now maybe i am feeling the repercussions of your change, i am really feeling what you are feeling as one amoeba, we obviously share a bladder that has been said before so the urinary tract is suffering, but it hurts to feel your mundainity, it hurts to see you in your ordinary pain, your extraordinary pain in your ordinary life, it hurts me to think maybe you are not special, you are not just a special magical spelll that has reeked havoc on my life and make me question what holes i want it in. You are special, but if the world doesn’t notice so and treats you like shit i wont stand by it, ill stand with you, im sure what else I can do, will do. I dont want them spreading. our message so falsely for their own gain, i dont want coffee drunk over us and laughed over us, at our expense and sexual fetishes and smiles and dimples and rude finger gestures and shrugs and pleas and questions and examinations and cuts and bruises and cuts and no questions and spit in your face. Id rather not that thank you, id really rather not. I dont care what i am, just in relation to you always in relation to you. omg the fucking car alarm wont shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up screaming like a fucking attention seeking cunt shut up, thank you. I was scared they would rape you, im still scared they will rape you, and i dont wants o be subtle anymore, I m scared they will fist you and put things inside you and pull your trousers down and laugh and bend you over a car and fuck you and fuck you hard, and im scared i want that, no i dont but I can imagine it vividly, has it happened somewhere in my memory before. I remember crying very hard over that film boys dont cry in tigers arms, sobbing and gasping like when i used to have tantrums, once a huge one in a video store andi couldn’t breathe i was crying so hard, and my dad said, T everyone can hear you, look they're all looking at you, take a deep breath and bap bap bap like fish inhale all that air and exhale very slowly, (later he said so your mouth looks like an asshole) but fuck those people that were looking at me he just shouldnt have made me fucking cry and it felt good and distressing to cry that much.
when we first met, the first night i called you she so many times when i was talking about you to other people, i had to keep correcting myself like i had terrets or something (that fucking car alarm) she, he, she, he, she, he. You didn't realise you have subsequently told me, but i rememeder it clearly, i was so drunk I could nt get it right, and you were the first trans person i had met knowingly, when you first told me you joked it about it, that seemed to be your method at the time, haha yeah, im basically just becoming a teenager, im about 13 in T years, i was like who is this creature who is telling me this there was subtle tone of vulnerability in how you explained it as if to say please accept this floating skin of myself that rests just above our heads, any sudden movements will frighten it off and i complied with this thing in front of me, kept it floating warily above our heads, as i fell in love with you. but your smile was golden, you were soft like the butches i had seen before, that negative space you *cant couldn’t touch where femininity and masculinity come close but don’t touch. the softness of fat under you shirt and the way you sweat and knowing there was something vulnerable in your pants, something I knew so much of and also nothing. this was stepping into another realm. I felt almost ashamed as if i was leading you on and you were so shiny and soft I knew you wanted more, but i was scared of you. i think i was terrified. of what you represented.
i was so scared of getting it wrong I did the most research ever before i met you again. how to give a clit orgasm , trans porn, top surgery, bottom surgery, fucking buzz feed all to find you somewhere, but you weren't there, you were new born, fresh into this world, thats why it felt like a lie, its affects creep up on you and for a long time you are lying to the world and proving it and i knew so much yet i would blow on your skin and, nothing. as i see you then you were more of a man than ever so pushed into a box, as so much of it is, to parade something you cant even have the grasp of to explain, to someone, your grounding on this earth in a matter of facial muscles and sounds originating from the mouth and lines and lumps in the right place flattened down that could have restricted your breathing as we slept and i said how lovely your back was because you wouldnt take it off you. Wouldn't let me see you like that it could have killed you in your sleep left me kissing a dead back i cant I cant. So for a while I could have been your fairy. your keeper even your comforter i did not exist because you did not hold me back, give yourself to me and**** i asked you in the dark of night do you like being licked out, do you like getting oral sex, do you use dildos, where do you not want me to touch, i thought you didn't want me to put my mouth there because it was wrong, it was weird, overgrown stump of what a pearl was, oh how i was wrong and you loved it and i too, i thought you might want me to suck on that appendage that innocent bystander that plastic thing that was never asked if it wanted to go in the dark place alone with no light, want me to lick it and suck it and look up at you while i did it like in the films, cause i would have done anything to get you off, and i did, but you let me put the overgrown pearl in my mouth let me pull it and suck it and let it rithe in my mouth furry stubborn pearl rolling on the sea bed, under bed under my tongue it would grow and wither and chip into my head visions of another world where I had never been and we would have to take an underground river to get to.
i remember the night it happened in that small space we called a bed the squeaked and the heating sounded like it was having a hight pitched breakdown, i was going to party that was prom themed and dressed up with lipstick over my top lip and all around my mouth and a wig and a dress and the whole time i was getting ready i was thinking of it happening, i was terrified i was going to get it wrong, id never done it, what if i would never get it right cause it wasn't the right genital substance for me, what if it was embaressing and i would have to go home with my tail between my legs not a true lesbian, straight person, person of lesbian tendencies, individual or something, someone that could not give another person what they both wanted to be given. i dont know I really didn't know, all I knew was that i looked fucking brilliant, and no one else was dressed up as per usual, so fuck them, and it gave me that sense of brilliance that everyone is judging you and you dont care.
and now they tell me a changeling is an old fairy that takes the place of a human baby an old stubborn baby that clings onto life promising its youth to all those around it that makes more sense when i call you a changeling when i call you a changeling that has been swapped at birth if only you didn't have a belly button or you had two sets of eye lids, or a second skin, but you do have strange belly button piercing from another life well say its an alien marking it i like putting my finger in it so hairy and soft and i get stapled in the mind when i know you were a teenage girl, and it turns me on and it scares me you will see that in my eyes. it makes sense that the old fairy would have seen the land and its folds to have a sense of knowing the cradle is where it should reside for the rest of its days not shuffle along in the mud with fairy toes all wet. you told me to put my toes in the sand, it felt so wrong and like they were being licked that time, in Edinburgh, a large man in an animal state licked my toes and it felt so good i let go of everything, but it comes so natural to you , to look at the sea and see answers, im almost playing to your state so you feel more comfortable in your natural environment if i am repulsed. the way people do that sometimes in order to appease the other, was it unnatural for me not to be amazed, you do annoy me when you are that pure(goldstar). i look as if i have corrupted you from your chosen path, perhaps you will go back there someday, back to the beach and think of me and you'll be at home cause i wont be teasing you, you'll be done with London and its cruel ways to spit you out with all your teeth and dreams, ill sit up in my high castle and be cold because of the drafts, without my human blanket.  my cold winter feet.
and i want to have your children as long as they are fizzy and rough and have no part in the world they will become hardened to. i want there to be a way, a way that men with answers will give them to us and let me stop googling humiliating shit like can two eggs make a embryo, this is the age of fake news and i dont want to be a fucking victim. (of it) I want the soft place between us soft shell air socket between us to be full with potential and not lacking in our minds because of what ever we've been told needs to be there to build a life. i want it when i rub on the top of your clit, tiny boner, source, of rivers, slowly when you sit on me to really be you inside me or you transporting something in the air to me you don’t have to be inside me i am clever enough, imaginative enough to receive a wish of will. this way is better is better it is this way is better and better for me to lay my body on the sidewalk and shout for it to be this way ill disgrace myself to hold your hand.
its funny the words we use to communicate to each other i call you bitch and slag and squeal at you in the morning i shout in a mad face that the bombs are coming get down the bombs are coming and i tickle you and hit you when you dont hide your face into the cover, i like the helpless tickling noise, your gasping for air and your fucking smile is so framed in everything i could ever ask for. I think im like my dad like that when he screams little baby bird baby bird and picks you up like a child with the body of a huge 50 year old henry the 8th look a like. i dont want anyones approval but it hurts to know some soft states cant be translated into other states some things cant be grasped or explained.
we like to scream bitch after saying things because its like the cartoon rick and morty character who is the nightmare man, that was what got me through the break up and you lay on my lap as we watched, and i sunk my sad claws into that screen hoping the half an hour episodes would sink into one another and back into the whites of my eyes into my brain i could see us watching but i couldn't feel it, but the feeling was slowly coming back like after you burn your fingers with ice cream.
/
im sorry if you are hurt I had to do it i needed to be selfish well all die alone theres nothing more to say i couldn’t put it into words, i am scared of what is coming of the eyes of others im scared I will blame you for what i have doubts. you let me take you there i feel like the guy, there is no guy and I am becoming more comfortable in this position against your skin you can tell when people have copy and pasted ideas im self conscious of your knowing of my lust of your knowing of my want to penetrate you im conscious of my eagerness to do this and im conscious of what this could mean and could not. Im conscious of your body next to mine in the dark room im concious of the splinter in my finger im conscious i must be with out you. Im conscious of my memories past and how they build this encounter how i must hold back things from your view and bring others into the light but they are all there waiting to be shown it is for me to divide(decide). i am concious of you in the dark room when I see the man cry at the sound of a lovers voice from years past i feel the weight of his pain and i cry infant(infront) of you in the dark room full of people, they dont know this they dont understand like i have and i come out the cinema see the shadows of people in my way did they see what i saw i could not believe they were they they do not feel the same they are frauds, I make a swift exit to the toilet so as not to be taunted by these shadows, what is this face i see on leaving the huge and empty lonely *discabled toilet we blush at each other we know who the other is and cannot express the name of the other our mouths are forming round the name both struggling to admit this is happening(the other has a name) both blushing both full with what is delirium from all the crying shed in the dark room the evil son dark species feeder comes out the * bathroom to greet us he too is bleeding red blush and eyes and nose do twist and curve into some uncomfortable shape to fu/fill the space where words should be, and none of us can detect any.
you ask me how i did it. and i think of their mouths on each others genitals for a flash second as they stand close enough to kiss and i think better put that to bed my love. you ask me what did i do. She's taller than I thought im a fucking child a well mannered fucking child the fact my face has been near a dick makes you want to slit my throat, but i cut my tongue off and gave it to you for christmas. i say i sucked my fingers and put them places, and all i want to do is feel and to be shown the different avenues of experience. Im sorry i made that gesture people did it at uni those cuts across the arm in the air a razor blade wiped clean every time wrapped up and hidden in a draw like a battle field my love like a war torn landscape. i fucking hate those people i dont know i could strangle them for their inanety for their very wretched existence on this planet.
of the splinter in my finger at close glance microscopic slow motion as a pick it from my finger and its still sore is there still something in there i will never get out i will always copy in my actions to others be a wooden
fuck the egg fuck the egg fuck the egg and they were all so strange and i was so strange in their company as i am in the meetings of strangers it it where i find myself i find myself there it is my true self when i making things up and there is an atmosphere not yet made but worth polluting and his mother was dying and he saw a drag queen make an omelette and i made my excuses from my lack of anything and you were on a chopping board waiting to be chopped and i was in the hill in the suburb of my mind in my fear of the rape of the suburb and my filming of the fish in the shop window in the night of the suburb* and my mothers words were strong and definite this is something that will affect you and you are lost i am lost lost lost i know it was a losing game to say it was what i could handle was funny and I was laughing as i tried
filming things to take back to you of my existence the evidence of my existence and the world that you could not see. parcels of light
so poorly filmed camera angles all blushing with love
Id love to have been there in that moment, frying pan on the go, quite allot of fat, like chicken breast, must be nice to eat feed someone something from your own body. penis
im sorry i was full when you wanted to fuck me. Tomorrow we are going to dinner with your family, i will have to behave like i have to, no hands under the table touching you as we eat, it will be hot, suffocatingly hot and ill have to concentrate on what i am eating not eating you
did i hurt you did i make you bleed? i wish id recorded our conversation, and ill have to read this book again and again as its urgency describes the urgency for us to be described. You said it made you open that those boundaries were closed for so long, you've been alive for a long time, no ones ever been in there no person or thing, you must really like me, for letting you do that, my bodies like what are you doing things dont go in there only come out, whats that we like it, oh i suppose we should give it a try. its not something i can describe yet this feeling of you opening up to me, i knew all along you would like it. it makes me drowsy watching you getting turned on suffocating under my hand, you want it and im going give it to you im gonna take it away and put it back in , im touching you where you've never been touched it might as well not existed you didn't exist before this moment soft in my hand and wriggling in my fist, im holding you there i wont let you go ill give you everything you want to get there ***im deep inside you i can feel your pain that something has expanded and been washed away with the penetration and skin on skin that soft place between your hip and lower thigh that could still be a babies limb(thigh) that night i spoke to a butch about being a bottom and she told me sex is just looking at someone just imagining things are there that aren’t and everyone gets fucked in every hole and space that wants it when you have not spent your life in the corners of others peoples eyes ducking from sight and fucking, would you have put things inside yourself when you were younger did you just bleed and then stop and then bleed and then stop did your blood stain the sheets did you feel like a hole like an opening to be spread across the floor and sucked from someones fingers(in a jar), to be spread across the floor, did your dad smile at you and tell you not to have seconds did he have seconds is he an asshole does he think about your vagina swelling as it does with the months of injecting vials  T /of pleasure/ straight to the blood supply supplying an ever growing (cock) clitoris, you said id fucked you into a coma, i want you to sleep in my lap all day, you cried and my hands were wet when i put them on your face, your got my cheeks wet you fucker (asshole) i was saving them for a rainy day, you said you lived on one floor you said 2 women lived in your house that were sisters and never spoke did your blood stain the walls did your blood stain the walls can i eat it can i lick it from your wounds when we fuck with the jock strap on and its covered in blood it makes me think of your blood and if there was a gash between your legs a severing you apart if you will fall apart and break in half and stain the floor as i drag you across the room , can i lick it from your wounds your soft and gutteral wounds so soft like petal flesh someones cut them and theyre bleeding from your plastic appendage theres blood on your clit but im sucking it, still blood there.,wont let me inside cause of the invisible blood there, it will be there for a while trickling down, the war on your body, the thighs of a child, i touched you in a place you hadn't heard of hadn’t translated into the language coudlnt understand the cuts dont like holes skin didn't prick pickle, ulcerus skin would let anything in barriers up it hurt me when i wasn't allowed in felt like heteronormativity without the pain of boredom but a line not to be crossed but things not to be stroked or kissed or licked let me hold you in the night now I've held you and broken you and something floats inside me if only they were to know, could you be pregnant with my wanting ?
have you been spending allot of time with your parents because you know they are going to die soon, i am lonely, i need to spend more time alone, it makes you more lonely when you cant remember the last time you were alone i really would’nt know who i was if i got married now.
i like fucking you in the ass, it really gets me off, really gets me off, really turns me on really makes me want to be inside you inside your whole core cant
i am dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am filming myself dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am cutting something up while listening to your voice, i running round in circles listening to your voice, i am on the floor crying listening to your voice, i am holding myself tightly listening to your voice, I am shouting over the sound of your voice trying to make myself louder, i am hungry for you voice, i am ashamed by the space between us, i am hungry for your voice, I am holding a floor/flower for your voice, i am listening to your voice drunk with my fingers in my ears, i am drinking shots to the sound of music timed listening to your voice,- man be cool i am frying an omelette listening to your voice, i am feeling everything listening to your voice, i am feeding an audience member listening to your voice, i am surprised by myself listening to your voice, i am masc for maSCC listening to your voice, i am hoping you wont leave listening to your voice, i am wanting to throw things away listening to your voice, i haven't decided listening to your voice, i am miming along listening to your voice, i am copying you listening to your voice, i am speaking very slowly listening to your voice, i am oily listening to your voice
a happy accident might be to faint on the tube and on coming round see your face, i find there is a null space between writing of words and the performance it is to panic that one is not right that one is not enough to parallel the other, to say that what comes first what is the purpose of the speaking, how much effort should the speaking be to counteract the writing, did the writing come from an improv, how does one improv on their own, I will just have to talk to myself for the rest of my life, no the improv comes from an exercisee, starting small and fun and exploring it, not know or worrying as to where it might go, the same with writing, do you start with a goal in mind, well sometimes you have an objective but you go on a journey to get there and no decision is wrong just a manifestation from your head, nothing you could ever do if it was honest would be wrong honesty is the best policy but that doesnt mean you cant be honest and also be deceitful, be lying and be honest, be lying honestly, be copying honestly, it is a mixture of lies and truth this is performance, to use ones body as the bericle to which you tell the story or the thoughts from your brain just your very existence not he stage is radical enough, to even say one word or blink would be radical enough…
i am sad i think my father is lonely i cant see him now but can here his soft rummaging and weird noises down stairs he can scream like a mad man and is always performing his mad man routine which might infact be his personality, but like me he is just pushing the boundaries and likes to piss people off and make them feel uncomfortable, so it is sometimes hard to tell the difference, I am sad he is lonely because i cannot see him but i can hear him coughing now, and in the night, i can hear him snoring through the floor boards and i can see the snor s coming up through the air like fluffy grey clouds or waves, i am sad that he is lonely i cannot see him but i can see a dark blue space punctured with lights and that is what downstairs looks like until i go downstairs and i can see its real walls and light fixtures and i know this is the real corners not the dark corners, i think he is lonely as he asked me to go to the corner shop to get him a beer a Stella Artois and I am sad because i did not get it for him and now he is coughing he is in the sarcoughaus of the house he is under my feet i feel i am selfish i only speak to him when i want things i wish adults weren't so useless and they could tell you what was wrong like a plant or a shoal of tuna feels like stabbing in the dark into a shoal of fish trying to understand him
when I woke up i thought about your genitals how they might be wet on my face, i turned over and felt my body on the mattress, I thought had you ever done this, you never touched it when you wanked, you still dont unless you with me and were in the moment. i had a pervading fear you might leave me for another man, I watched men from your eyes, seeing them as unconquered land as something you had not tried never been touched by a man in all your years, apart from that hand job with your guitar teacher, i thought i hate that woman, i woke from a sleep of her me telling you couldn't watch it, it angered me too much, i couldn’t watch it was sickening and her fucking face i could cut it open
Soft wet thing doesnt make sense pear shaped blossom and soot covering the sides urinal polished unforgetting is it to touch another in your future, basin of doubt my mouth alludes me it goes to what has come before
(without sentence structure just using simile and metaphors and free writing compairison to do this )
I had another dream about someone else, i feel dirty im gonna have a shower, im scared your gonna change im scared your gonna leave me for another man, im scared of you have a life without me, i keep having dreams about her, every night, do i want to fuck her or am i taunted by her, im taunted by her by a past life of mine, she came to greet me and she had candy floss hair i looked a mess everyone was there and we went out and left everyone i just left for her pleasure
i get paid to be sensitive in the sensitive spot the wind touches my ankles and there nothing to do in the plain sight the pain sigh the plain sight that moves me i woke up with blurry vision am i going blind, i woke up and what i could see yesterday i can no longer see before i feels good to hold your self down to be fLat and shiny and full of a heart and skin and blood underneath to know a cut would open you up so easily to fail in the dirt failing to use your limbs to fall bewildered to go outside for once in your life have you been outside today have you have been outside today no so dont hurt me again with your stale cavity
you would growl at the man in the shop selling us peaches didn't know he had a tremor terret,s to growl not ideal for a corner shop being the only light in a dark world dark street moon time peach buying and it upset me and i thought of myself as a small child all small and childlikee as a small child when kids took it too far and you shrivelled up into your self, its when your alone with your pain, snowball in the eye water dripping from you eye in alone with myself for hours, all hazy in the background, background noise, sharp aliveness alive sadness with he dirty snow dripping from my eye or glass that i sat on, the worst would be to be maimed she said , to be maimed  would be the worst, to be maimed she said would be the worst, it was only a peach pit in my skull, but you wouldn’t want a 12 inch knife in your stomach sternum would you no you wouldn’t, a peach pit stone cutting the sides of your head off, shaving an inch from yours skull, its skill to laugh again after the impact, i felt child child again, plight of the hill and the peach pit in my brain it sunk in made its self known to me, known that it would not venture out, somewhere else a man was being cut open, known to me it would not venture out, it would not venture out and to expect something of the thing before it reaches its thing hood is foolish to expect something fo the thing is foolish, is foolish when a peach pit has embedded itself into its skull sorry to be a senstitve being, sentiive in the cool of the night air, as we cross the road to avoid cars we think might kill us, where everything is the height of the wind as the rain is about to fall, as temperaturee falls, it stayed with us all night, that stone worked its way out (but that stone did not work its way out)
shouting from a place of honesty, to unravel it would take its secrets away, it was a sigh in the mind, it was my sweat on your forehead, it was something happening far away, it was that peach pit of cruelty
why did i keep eating them bending lower and lower to my fait. my knees are the first to go, too weak for what they will
its when your alone with your pain, glass in my upper thigh near the places you choose to be cut open, involuntarily penetrated and loneliness is death and i have a scar there and its when your alone with your pain
, an men described as mediateranine colouring what ever the fuck that means hindered bodies with
i am so angry at you i am gone with anger I am gone i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face watever you fucking cunt go lick the dogs arse i hate you and your fucking cuffling laugh and the way you look at me when you disapprove maybe i need to be more accepting thats my fault but i could hit you right you you fucking sucker go lick the dogs arse shut up ill say goodbye and not kiss you how do you like that if only it didn't fold back on me you /dont know me at all you are fitting things into the past what you used to say what you used to think you dont actually think that anymore dont let the shit they say grind you down thats a cliche go lick the dogs arse I am full with so many voices and none of them are yours  you sucker go lick the dogs arse the words you say are empty vaccums i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i want to be excited instead im scared i want to get it wrong go lick the dogs arse
i couldn't hate you for long, but did you hate me forever, soaking up my life, is this sharing is this toll sharing, does it hurt you too,
it comes from the soul
wind hots the window suds like a bee dying
duality of eggs and blood
Bred into my womb
to find the details and tell your story
a film from my perspective as a stalker to you
hey fossil fuel, dirty ribena, slime mould, sea potato, Ursula le Guin, get in my mouth please peasant testicle tentacle put you to sleep eat you to your heart, peace be with you, bible passage for your grandma, Eccles cake for you pegging, naked with a cap on, dim light of the room a memory not to be forggoten and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you cherry pip cherry core cherry cherry sticks and cherry more. Lychees at the cinema a hidden satsuma grapefruit lips fruit is expensive
im worried my dad only exists in my kitchen
im proud that you told them there is something else a Zara sales assistant wouldnt get it you were trying to tell her there was a void in the floor that she could fall into this gaping hole sucking the air out the room just a dash from razor on someones face wouldnt tell it to them straight give them enough warning of their ignorance there was a hurricane a whirlwind approaching she better get her fucking brolly - probably sum it up in one sentence.
into a massive void that was shaking all the
in those slow motion moments under the lights as the corners of your body touched mine tacky red paint and screaming
in that surreal slow motion
the less im with you the more I hate you for not sugaring my existence
Iit will all pass so grab it now
it was your gold star!!
my hands smell like celeriac but this morning they smell of your scent from inside your thighs where the humming birds sing, where i laugh at our fathers for not knowing we have that scent on our fingers as we talk to them
Ilike that man who kept getting ups nd putting his hat back on
when your full with cum and adrenalin you cant feel the pain
the metaphors the rising cultures
i am funny and you are funny and in the end i think its all going to be okay
to make a real effort to smile and not put my hands under the table.
the smell of cigarettes Monday morning
do they mix the ashes and dead bodies with the food
seeing that fruit stall and thinking that was where you were mine but i was not yours
i was your baby and i used to suck your chin
Never yours
Theres a man bow legged and he's walking, did his mum know not to wrap him round her chest like that so his legs would grow in the shape of her love and rib cage
the ground is lavender, looks like lichen, bluebells maybe just floating above the grass, a hat, a bonnet of flowers
i pass blisets where the man speaks in burps
throat cancer has made him funny without realizing
we walk along and our our knees in the right place?
we use sticks, we use plastic wheeled things, i am late, we use stealth, accents and alter egos, i channeled into a man selling big issue suddenly i am Liverpudlian so he recognises me as his own and forgives me for no money
she grows it but it looks better short
im late and bins line the pavement
i woke up in shock this morning and apologised in my sleep
Reeds
they will cut it off soon
film haircut march poem pics love
funny watch
even though can is hilarious
i fancy people who look like they've been found under a rock.
i rip my hair our its pieces
i am holding back
from every circle of my life
shame theres no poppies just unruly black hairs vying for attention
my love
not in our forehead or fingers
it is your ex girl friend
in awe of all the others creatures
i saw a bird with a ketchup packet
to call to each other reference each other tell each other things that are subconscious or just things. I call you bitch, the source, trans jelly, lichen, kitten , chicken tikka masala, midlands, it goes on. Im a rabbit in your keeping your your so small, smaller than me.
i hear you are on quest is that true? and you were born this morning, how is the world treating you? Im going to tell you some truths about the world.. have you learnt about hot and cold yet? Christmas trees have very short lives, sometimes the sun shines too much and you go red, you like icecream, you also like the beach and walking with your shoes off, you really like steak, cartoons and you are very kind.
the reason i cant really talk very clearly is because i have cut my tongue out and given it to you as a present.
I cut your tongue off and gave it to you for christmas.
ill cut an old woman face off and lay it in mine and scream like a goddess in battle as we sit on the tube cutting a mans head off with the slight of a blink in my fantasy that could be real if you will it.
if i had a 3d printer
i take you and i raise you to the highest peaks, dont bring us down.
and not spunk.
Middle ages people with their politics and booze that nor really fair i like them allot and they've livedI
as we have discovered a whole new worl
it feels great cause you know they are just particles of nothing and every part of your face is ——-gleaming.
boat to under the river where snails .
and ill nev
left me with a mound of flesh
for moths to come
my truth, my witty ex
Transface
Political nipples
Squirm
Beetle juice
Metamorphic
your such a tease
Tardigrade
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skiasurveys · 7 years
Text
sorry for all these relationship surveys, everything else sucks.
A: Who do you like and why? Connor, my boyfriend. I honestly don’t really know, the moment we met I fell instantly, like we have this strong connection. He makes me laugh really hard, which is nice. He tells me what to do ( Not in a controlling way though). We like the same shit, we know how to leave eachother alone for a bit for our “me” time so its awesome. and hes great at sex.
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? I am currently in love and this is my first time, before  I swore i was in love but it was just literally the “I love you” not the whole Im in love and I just want you to be happy.
C: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in, and why did it end? currently the one im in is the longest :D
D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? yeah i have, 2 times. Back in high school i tried to act diferent around him because he didn’t approve how I was. which is bullshit. and then the other time was my senior year in Highschool and I tried to get his approval so i would hide who i truly was, which is stupid. I stopped doing that. If I change for someone now, its for the better.
E: Pretend I’m you ex, what do you want to say to me? You were fucking annoying. You didn’t get a joke, you literally wasted my fucking time when I couldve been with Him. You also chased me hardcore, pretty much felt like I had to date you. You pretty much blamed me for anything that went wrong. You were always about you, and you were annoying. Thank you for ending it.
F: Have you ever been cheated on?  i dont know. My one ex, Jack was long distance and I have this strong feeling that he did cheat on me , or that he was cheating on someone with me and  I didn’t know. He did some fishy things, so yeah.
G: Have you ever cheated? No.
H: Would you date someone who’s know for cheating, if yes why? no, if i found out the person I like is a cheater or known for it, i wouldnt go for them.
I: What’s the most important part of a relationship? The trust, the friendship/bond, and the comfort. You need to trust them, and feel comfortable and also feel like youre best friends.
J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious.
K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? no. Breaks to me are just a waste of time. Its basically letting you both fuck other people and then come back and be like “nah”. I don’t do breaks. Its either were done or not.
L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? i never hooked up. I only fuck who im dating. and ive only been with one guy, which is the one im currently with.
M: What’s one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret dating Dylan. It sounds fake but honestly I wish I wouldve just said No im not that into you. Because really  I wasn’t that into him but everyone told me how sweet he was, so i felt kinda like I had too?? In a way??
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? kids?? KIDS?? KIDS?? WHATS WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE ? Kids shouldnt be having sex. You shouldnt have sex until you fully understand the consequences. That being mentally and physically.
O: Do you believe in the phrase, “Age is just a number?” Why or why not? well connor is 6 years older than me, Im kinda bias. But Im 20, and he’s 26. were both adults and consenting. If they are still a minor and the other partner isn’t, it’s wrong. as long as they are both adults and consenting.
P: What about “Love at first sight”? Why or why not? No one loves someone at first sight. You might feel lust, or a connection. but not love.
Q: Turn on’s? Neck kissing, pushing me down onto a bed, making out. also like sweet sensual stuff. 
R: Turn off’s? Trump supporters, racists, expecting me to be your chef, or do everything for you, being a cunt,  minimalizing my pain. lanky people. into hardcore drugs too.
S: What do you consider a deal breaker?  Cheating. Talking shit about my friends, abusing me.
T: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? You get this feeling where you sit back and youre like “ I just dont like them anymore” or sometimes you do but you just know you can’t be together.
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? I am, and its going to be 9 months in  2 weeks.
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Yeah you can still be friends, of course it depends on how your relationship was and how it ended. There are exes I have that I could still be friends with and some I can’t. My recent ex and I are kinda friends but he pisses me the fuck off.
W: Do you think people should date their friends? you can, i don’t see how that is bad. My boyfriend is my best friend, so it’s like thats cool. we werent friends when we started dating though. It’s hard because it could ruin a friendship
X: How many relationships have you had? about 4 
Y: Do you think love can last forever? yeah, of course.
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? somethings, not everything.
1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. Unless my family was like “They are abusing you.” and there was legit shit, but not cus they didn’t like him. Lol
2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? “dont date him because he likes you”
3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? so i did one when i was in high school for like 5 months. It can work. depending on where they are. Mine was awful. It was far away. and He was 7 hours ahead of my time, so everytime we would skype it would be at weird times like 8 am or 12 am like wtf and it was jsut dumb. But they can work out!
4: What do you notice first about another person? teeth and hair cuts lol
5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? of course not.
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