#sometimes i feel like something is seriously wrong with me & that i'm incapable of loving others deeply :( & it has been in the back of my

[craycraybluejay]

I can be very playful and creative :)

*sends partner a pic of two axes, one with a pink bowtie*

YES YES YES the ideal partner is someone intelligent who can match me line for line and reply to everything I throw at them.

I'm not generally afraid of romantic rejection as I am of other rejections, maybe because I'm not usually a very romantic person. I only get afraid if I had a previously established working relationship of a different kind with this person that may get messed up due to a romantic confession. But it is true I don't like emotionally delicate situations. They're uncomfortable and in cases where it makes sense to, I avoid them.

I do take my relationships seriously if and when I meet someone I really connect with. Though my emotions do tend to mess up and I've noticed that at the first sign of danger my emotions shut down around a romantic interest and I haven't yet found a way to get them fully working again.

I am direct and honest, always. Not just with the people I date but with everyone (unless they cannot handle honesty and will actively hurt me if they can't handle it... I avoid these types as much as possible). I do not usually filter my opinions and I do in fact encourage people, partners and otherwise, to be frank with me. And yes, being upfront IS NOT rude. I absolutely hate when people refer to my honesty as rude. What's rude is lying and saying something and meaning something else. It is extremely important to be as upfront as possible and avoid misunderstandings. Though neurotypicals seem to misunderstand me when I'm being upfront too so there's no winning with them. I have no desire to school myself for people. If you can't handle honesty you can fuck right off.

Special romance things are usually pretty unimportant to me. I enjoy the everyday, just spending time with a person I love is nice. Of course, I can appreciate special effort put into something special. But I do have some triggers with big events so it can backfire. And yeah, I do struggle with my partner's needs sometimes. I don't always know how to provide certain things and sometimes my logic and emotions aren't working together and I don't want to do the right thing on logic alone because then it will feel false and not genuine.

And yeah it takes me a lot of work to express affection in ways that I don't necessarily do so naturally. I can express affection in my ways great but other ways; not so much. I try very hard. It's one of the things I'm particularly bad at.

Yepp, there's the shutdown. Emotional disagreements, that's a small shut down, that I can recover from. Betrayal or abandonment? I can promise I will never recover from it. I can try hard for a long time but truth is I'm probably never going to get over it. I won't really feel things for that person any more, other than really muted feelings like annoyance, amusement, or sometimes a disconnected familiarity. And I do listen. But I also know when I'm right. As a bonus, I do know when I'm wrong, as well, and acknowledge it. And yeah ofc I offer logical solutions. Feelings I can still handle, sometimes, I'm not incapable. But feelings aren't going to fix whatever's wrong. Logic will. Telling you I feel sad is not going to fix my feeling sad, but telling you what you can do to make me less sad and vice versa will.

And again, realizing that feelings don't fix feelings isn't the same as ignoring their existence.

Again, I do talk about feelings. Just don't necessarily act like they're going to be fixing anything.

Ah so THAT'S why I'm mostly aromantic lmfao. Don't take me away from my mind pls I have Stockholm Syndrome for it <3.

I can be a good partner. But I don't know that I'm really in a good emotional state for it now, or ever. Like theoretically yeah. But when romance is the expectation instead of an "everythingship?" I dunno. Feels weird.

#mbti things #aromantic #greyromantic #intp t #intp #commentary

[missmentelle]

How do I know if I'm being gaslit? What does that mean?

If you are experiencing “gaslighting”, it means that someone is intentionally trying to make you feel like you are irrational and insane. They will try to convince you that you can’t trust your own judgement, even about things that you experienced firsthand. The internet tends to use the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe any kind of lying or arguing, but it’s a lot more complicated than that - when you are being gaslit, it means someone is going out of their way to make you feel like you’re the crazy one who causes all the conflict in the relationship when in reality, it’s the other way around. A person who lies about liking your new haircut or starts an argument with you about whose turn it is to do the dishes is probably not gaslighting you - gaslighting is intentional, repeated, and specifically aimed at undermining your sanity and emotional stability. It is a pattern of abuse, and by definition, it can be very difficult to recognize and escape from. 

Examples of gaslighting include things like:

Insisting that things did not happen the way you remember them, even if you have proof. Maybe you and the abuser had an argument over WhatsApp yesterday, and they called you a slur. You definitely remember that this happened, because it was devastating for you, and you took screenshots in case they deleted the message. But when you confront the other person about what they said, they flat-out deny that it ever happened - in fact, they have no idea where this is coming from, and they feel insulted that you would accuse them of such a horrible thing. They didn’t do that. They’ve never done that. In fact, there was no argument. You made the whole thing up in your head. It doesn’t matter that you have screenshots - they don’t want to see them, because they know that you are totally misunderstanding what’s in them, just like you always do. When you’re being gaslit, the gaslighter doesn’t care about reality. They will flat-out deny what happened and create a new version of events that puts them in a better light, and they’ll insist that you are the one with the faulty memory for not remembering it that way. Even with evidence right in front of their faces, they’ll stick to their guns and say that you are completely inventing things. 

Constantly insisting that you overreact and blow things out of proportion. Maybe you saw a notification on your partner’s phone the other day, and you realize that they’ve been texting other people on a dating app. You are obviously very upset about the situation, and you aren’t sure if you even want to stay in the relationship. But instead of apologizing, your partner begins to get angry with you for how upset you are - they insist that you are blowing this completely out of proportion, that you’re being a huge drama queen, that you’re being manipulative and attention-seeking, and that it’s completely insane for you to be upset. Any time you are upset with the other person for genuinely hurting or harming you in some way, they flip everything around - all of a sudden, the conversation becomes focused on how unstable and dramatic you are, and the abuser’s wrongdoing is totally forgotten. The abuser paints a consistent picture of you as someone who freaks out over absolutely nothing and completely overreacts. 

Playing up your existing mental illness or insisting that you are mentally ill. Your abuser sees signs of mental illness in everything you do. If you have a history of mental illness, they’ll insist that it’s coming back - if you don’t have a history of mental illness, they’ll invent a new mental illness for you out of whole cloth. Did you get upset because your partner screamed at you? That’s not normal, you’re having huge mood swings and you’re definitely bipolar. Did you stick up for yourself when your partner was trying to control you? That’s definitely not normal, you’re acting just like this person they knew who had severe BPD. Whenever you are upset about the way you’re being treated or just refusing to be controlled, your abuser will play the mental illness card - suddenly, they are the hard-worn, loving caretaker and you are the very sick person who refuses to let them help you. Sometimes, when you are getting especially angry about your partner’s mistreatment, they may flip a switch and go from yelling at you to acting like your caretaker in an instant - they’ll start pleading with you to get help, offering to drive you to the hospital, and begging you to understand that you aren’t well and that they’re just so worried about you. The point, of course, is to completely undermine you as a person; they want you to believe that you are seriously mentally ill and incapable of understanding what’s real and what isn’t. 

Positioning themselves as the innocent “victim” in the relationship, even when they are the one mistreating you. To an outside observer, you are the one constantly being terrorized by someone who criticizes and controls you. But your gaslighter doesn’t want you to see it that way - according to them, they are the innocent victim who has to tiptoe around your constant unpredictable mood swings. They’ll claim that they try so hard to help you and avoid setting you off, but you’re just so unreasonable - they may even claim that you are the one abusing them. Any time you fight back, stand up for yourself or have a negative reaction to their abuse, they will find a way to frame things so that your response is the real issue, and not the abuse that provoked it. If they pinned you against a wall and you pushed them off you to get away, they will flip the narrative on you - they’ll swear up and down that they were just gently trying to keep you from hurting yourself when you violently attacked them. Somehow, every confrontation you have about your partner’s bad behaviour turns into you apologizing and feeling bad, even when you went into the conversation being pretty sure that you did nothing wrong. 

Intentionally turning friends and loved ones against you. A gaslighter will sometimes try to recruit your friends and family to “their” side, turning them against you. They will tell your loved ones all about your supposed mood swings, “mental health issues” and how difficult you are being, in an effort to win sympathy and destroy your credibility. The idea is that when you turn to your friends to say “my partner freaked out on me over something small last night”, they’ll respond with “mmmm, your partner already told us this story and they gave a very different version of what happened. It sounds like you’re leaving a lot out to make yourself sound better. Your partner says you’ve been acting weird lately, what’s going on with you?” It’s much easier to warp someone’s perception of reality if you can convince their friends and family to reinforce the fake reality that you’ve created. 

Dramatically misrepresenting your motives. A gaslighter will find ways to “prove” that you’re the kind of person they say you are, regardless of what you do. Even if you do something nice for them, they can find ways to twist things to suit their narrative. Did you buy them an expensive birthday present because you care about them? You’re clearly being manipulative and trying to bribe them somehow. Did you clean the whole house for them because you wanted them to be able to enjoy coming home to a clean living space? Nonsense, this was clearly you being passive-aggressive and trying to shame them for not being as clean as you. Your actions end up not mattering - no matter how hard you to try to prove that you aren’t the difficult, terrible person that your gaslighter says you are, they will always find ways to misrepresent your motives and lie about your intentions so they can turn your innocent behaviour into whatever they want it to be. 

Being gaslighted is an immensely stressful experience - it’s designed to make you feel crazy, and if you’re subjected to it for a long time, that’s exactly what will happen. It’s unbelievably stressful to be in a position where you feel like you cannot trust your own mind or make rational decisions. And when that stress inevitably starts to affect your mental health, that becomes further evidence that your abuser is correct and that you’re the crazy one. It can be extraordinarily difficult for a victim of long-term gaslighting to escape from their situation, because they genuinely start to believe that they are the problem in the relationship and that they’re lucky anyone will put up with them. 

If you suspect you are being gaslit, there are some things you can do to recognize the issue and break free from it:

Keep meticulous records. Write down the details of conversations and arguments as soon as they happen. Record fights with the audio recorder on your phone. Take and save screenshots of important conversations. Save voicemails. Keep a diary with dates and times of events. Nobody has perfect recall, but if your partner’s version of events consistently doesn’t match your hard evidence in a major way, that’s a pretty good sign that they are twisting the truth to suit their needs.

Talk to a neutral third party. Talk to someone outside the relationship that your partner doesn’t have access to - this could be a friend, a coworker, a neighbour, anyone that you feel you can trust. Turn to an internet group or forum if you have to. Show them the evidence you’ve collected or talk to them about what’s happening, and get a neutral perspective. People who have not been exposed to your gaslighter’s charms will be able to tell you pretty quickly that your situation is not normal. 

Think about your past relationships. Have any of your past relationships followed the same patterns as your current one? Has anyone in your past made similar complaints about you? If your last relationship didn’t have these kinds of issues, there’s a good chance that the new person in your life is the problem - not you.

Trust your gut. If you get the sense that something isn’t quite right, don’t ignore those feelings. Remember, you don’t actually have to be certain that you’re being gaslighted to justify leaving the relationship - if your relationship frequently causes you stress and anxiety or makes you feel like you can’t be yourself, something is seriously wrong and it may be time to go.

It’s also a good idea to talk to a mental health professional or a domestic abuse expert if you suspect you are being gaslighted - they are experts at helping your recognize it and come up with strategies to have healthier relationships in the future.

Hope this answers your question!

MM

#Anonymous

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (08)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Series: CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 9

warnings: unrealistic court happenings i am not a lawyer ok mention of physical abuse, drinking problems, child trauma, mental illness, and infidelity. I want to build a whole new world in this fic that’s why i also didn’t research about divorce trials I’m sorry. OC is kind of annoying/disappointing in this chapter (?) or not (?) Young Choi Soobin of TXT is the kid in this chapter’s moodboard

Jeongguk was the ex-boyfriend Red was talking about.

You figured this out when you were at Seokjin's party. Frankly, the way your soulmate was looking at Red was already a giveaway, but then you had to confirm it yourself.

The only way to do that was to either confront Jeongguk or your assistant.

You chose neither and it was because you were afraid to hear what they would or wouldn't say. This being said, you resorted to your last option.

"Come on..." It was hard to sit on the floor when you're wearing a damn long dress, but this didn't stop you from rummaging through Red's personal things.

It's the middle of the night. You left Jeongguk at your apartment right after he reached his high.

You just wanted to teach him a lesson for being a brat. He was always so rude to you and you honestly thought that he was just in denial—that soon enough, he would realize that you two were really destined to be together.

Apparently, that wasn't going to happen.

You went to your office at one in the morning just to find something that would verify your speculation. You got what you wanted. The photograph of Jeongguk kissing your assistant confirmed it.

Your tears fell.

You didn't know why you felt betrayed. It wasn't like they wanted this. They hadn't done anything wrong. Fate was just cruel. Why didn't you meet Jeongguk first? You couldn't blame him for falling in love with Red—she was sweet, beautiful, and smart. Anyone would definitely like her, so you had no choice but to swallow the lump in your throat and accept this.

You just had to pretend like everything was alright.

It wasn't.

The divorce trial was near and there were still so many things you had to fix. Work was seriously draining the hell out of you and it wasn't like Jeongguk was helping. He was actually adding up to the stress you were feeling.

Jeongguk was giving you the silent treatment and no—it wasn't the type of silence you were used to. Before Seokjin's party, your soulmate was quiet, but not really. He would occasionally huff to let you know that he was annoyed at you. He would also stamp his feet and slam the door just to spite you.

You didn't mind. You knew he was just being a brat; however, things were different now.

After the night of Seokjin's party, Jeongguk changed. He was eerily silent, always avoiding eye contact with you.

You tried talking to him. Regrettably, you were only greeted by stillness.

"You want pizza, Gukkie?"

Nothing.

"Have you watched the latest episode of Start-up?"

Still nothing.

"Did you have a good sleep?"

Nope. Nothing. Nada.

"Wanna make out on the couch?"

Jeongguk's head jolted to your direction. His eyes were wide, cheeks turning crimson because of your bold statement.

"Hey!" You giggled, clearly happy with his reaction. "You finally looked at me!"

Jeongguk shook his head and then he went straight to his room.

You were unbelievable.

You pouted your lips, giving up. You had a feeling that he would come around.

He did. Days later, Jeongguk surprised you when he stood right in front of the door of your apartment. He was blocking your way out.

"Gukkie, I'm going to be late." You sighed. He reminded you of Miri, your cat that's always trying to stop you from leaving.

"You can't leave." His jaw clenched.

You let out a breath once again.

"Don't do this please. Mr. Kim needs me,"

The trial was happening today. You needed to run down a few things with your client before you go to the court room.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Jeongguk folded his arms over his chest.

You stared at him.

"I don't get what?" It was hard to keep your composure when the thing you had been trying to avoid for so long was being rubbed in your face. You knew exactly what Jeongguk was implying.

"—that you want me to drop this case because you want Red all to yourself?"

Jeongguk froze. What was the point of staying silent when you always knew what was running inside his head?

You just always knew.

"You don't have to pretend that you care about Soobin's well-being. I have enough people doing just that," you slightly pushed Jeongguk to the side so that you could pass through the door.

Ah, people.

They're all the same, always trying to conceal their self-interest by pretending that they care for others.

You liked Jeongguk—actually; you were convinced you loved him. He was your soulmate after all, but sometimes love wasn't enough to just give into what he wanted.

This wasn't about your relationship. This was about Soobin's welfare. He's just a child. You were a lawyer who swore an oath to protect the oppressed and incapable. You were their voice.

It sounded cheesy, but this was the type of person you aspired to be. The world was already dark, it wouldn't hurt to be someone's light.

Jeongguk didn't understand your reasons. It was evident when he showed up in court to watch you defend Kim Seokjin.

At first, you thought your eyes were failing you. Was he really here? Was he really the man at the back of the room wearing that big hoodie?

It was him. The familiar scowl on his face said so. Jeongguk was the only person who looked at you like you had offended his whole family.

"All rise!"

You turned to your client upon hearing the bailiff's demand.

"It's going to be alright," assured by you.

Seokjin smiled. He was looking at Red instead of you. He needed the comfort of his soulmate.

Red grinned back. She wasn't worried. She trusted you. She was certain you would succeed. Soobin wasn't going to be taken away from his father.

The first few minutes of the trial went smooth. You had your story straight and with the way the judge was nodding; you instantly knew she was in favor of your side.

Unfortunately, things started to go ugly during the cross-examination of witnesses.

Jung Hoseok was the first one to take the stand. He was the expert witness.

"You are the marriage counselor of Mr. and Mrs. Kim for months now, right?"

"Yes." Hoseok answered the opposing counsel. It was weird seeing him this serious. Your friend was always grinning, but you told him to try to keep a neutral face. This way, the judge and the jury wouldn't know if he was caught off guard by the question of the other side's attorney.

"Mr. Jung, is it true that marriage counselors rarely suggest divorce to their clients?"

"Depends—" Hoseok bit his tongue. You told him to simply answer yes or no. Be responsive to the question and never explain. "I mean, yes."

"And yet here we are..." Ms. Choi, the opposing attorney, shrugged her shoulders.

"Objection!" You stood up. "Relevance?"

You didn't understand why Ms. Choi asked that question to Hoseok when she's just shrugging it off now.

"Sustained." The judge felt the same way.

Ms. Choi raised her hand as if surrendering.

"My bad. I'm just curious, you know? If Mr. Jung is indeed an effective counselor, then why did he suggest that the Kim couple push through the divorce?"

Ms. Choi was furrowing her brow at Hoseok.

"Isn't that true, Counselor Jung? You told Mrs. Kim that it's better to end her marriage with Mr. Kim?"

"Yes." The expert witness answered truthfully.

The opposing side's attorney smiled mockingly.

"It's because you feared for Mrs. Kim's safety, right?"

"What?" Jung Hoseok was lost.

"Come on, Mr. Jung you know exactly what I am talking about! You found out that Mr. Kim is an alcoholic and you are scared that he might harm Mrs. Kim and Soobin, right?" Ms. Choi pointed at the five year old kid who was busy coloring books in the far corner of the room. He was with Seokjin's mother.

"Objection, Your Honor! Compound question!" You glared at Ms. Choi.

"Sustained." The judge clenched her jaw. "Ms. Choi, separate your questions. You are misleading the jury..."

Ms. Choi was flustered, yet she still held her head high. She knew she had the upper hand here.

"Is Mr. Kim alcoholic, Mr. Jung?" She tried again.

Hoseok cleared his throat.

"He had a history of abusing alcohol years ago."

"And you know this because you're also a licensed alcohol and drug counselor, correct?"

"Yes..."

"And Mr. Kim Seokjin also told you about his issue with regard to alcohol abuse?"

"Yes." Hoseok swallowed hard.

There were papers that could attest to Hoseok's claim. This was a win for Mrs. Kim. You could see her growing sarcastic smile that was directed at Red.

You inhaled deeply.

"Mr. Jung, can you please tell us the rate of patients going through alcohol relapse?"

"Uh, it's sixty to ninety percent after the first year of treatment," answered by Hoseok.

"I see. How long has it been since Mr. Kim sobered up?"

"As far as I know, it has been three years."

"Huh." Ms. Choi crossed her arms. "So is there a possibility that Mr. Kim would experience an alcohol relapse?"

"Yes."

"What's the statistical probability, Mr. Jung?"

"About fifty percent high." Hoseok looked dejected. He wanted to help Seokjin win the case, but he couldn't lie.

"I see." Ms. Choi was smiling as if she had already won the case.

"Can you tell us now the effects of experiencing an alcohol relapse? Or a slip?"

Hoseok's palms were sweating. Slip was one episode of drinking alcohol after trying to stay sober. Relapse, on the other hand, was the return to unhealthy behavior. Slip wasn't always followed by a relapse.

Hoseok also explained that there were different stages of relapse. Emotional relapse could cause suppression of emotions, becoming more isolated, trying to blame other people, and aggression, especially when they were confronted. There's also mental and physical relapse which included glamorizing alcohol and compulsive desires to drink.

"No further questions, Your Honor." The corner of Ms. Choi's mouth turned up upon realizing that the jury was in favor of their side now.

You had to step up your game.

The next witness was Son Chae-young. She was Soobin's babysitter. Chae-young had been living with the Kims ever since Soobin was born. She's a witness testifying against Seokjin.

Chae-young cleared her throat when your eyes landed on her. She already felt uncomfortable because of the way you were looking at her.

The way you stand up—shoulder down, neck long—was intimidating.

"You have a really nice necklace, Ms. Son."

Chae-young flinched upon hearing your compliment. She was confused. Mrs. Kim and Attorney Choi told her that you were scary, this was evident by the way you present yourself, but then...the way your eyes light up made her feel at ease. Your voice was soft too.

"Ah...thanks," regardless of your sweet persona, Chae-young still couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Why were you looking at her as if she was important? As if you were here to protect and not cross-examine her?

"Is it from Cartier?"

"Yes!" The babysitter beamed at you as she touched her pretty jewelry.

You smiled warmly at her.

"Did you buy it yourself?"

"Objection! Relevance?" The opposing lawyer clenched her fist. She was shaking, causing you to smile bigger. Guess she knew what was coming to her, huh?

"I'm getting there, Your Honor," said by you. Your expression screamed confidence that the judge was compelled to believe you.

"Overruled."

You continued.

"So...Ms. Son, did you buy that necklace? Or is it a gift?"

"Uh..." Chae-young's lips trembled. She was looking at Mrs. Kim, as if she was asking for her boss' help. "I-I bought it for myself..."

"I see." You nodded. Humoring her. "Do you have any other job aside from babysitting Kim Soobin?"

The nanny shook her head.

"N-No. I'm a full-time nanny of Mrs. Kim's son." Chae-young's lips were still shaking; her eyes were quivering as well.

"Hm, interesting..." You went closer to the witness. "That means you're earning what? Two hundred fifty dollars a month?"

"Objection, Your Honor! I still can't see the relevance of this!" Ms. Choi was losing her mind.

You turned to glare at her.

"Can’t you really see the relevance of this or are you just scared?"

You heard the judge's hit the gavel; she was calling your attention.

"Get to the point right now." The judge demanded at you. It was this or your statement was going to be sustained.

"I am merely establishing my point, Your Honor." Your voice was rough. "The necklace Ms. Son is wearing is worth four thousand three hundred dollars. I know because I have the same necklace and it took me, a lawyer, months!" You paused for a while just to emphasize the word months, "to buy it."

You turned to Chae-young when the judge remained silent.

"So tell me, Ms. Son, how can a full-time nanny like you who's earning minimum wage buy that kind of luxurious jewelry? Huh?" You were standing too close to the witness so Attorney Choi used this as an opportunity to object.

"Your Honor, she is badgering the witness!"

"Overruled." But the judge wasn't having any of it. "Answer the question, Ms. Son."

"I'm sorry!" The nanny's face twisted in fear. "Mrs. Kim bought it for me—"

"It's a gift!" Mrs. Kim blurted out, unable to contain her anger anymore. God. She hated you. "I bought it for her last month! It's my birthday gift for her!"

You smirked. Attorney Choi was panicking. She was caressing Mrs. Kim's hand, telling her to calm down.

Sadly, Mrs. Kim could not be stopped.

"Why am I explaining to you when you have no right to question my intention! It's my money so I get to decide what to do with it!"

She was yelling at you and it almost made you laugh. Why was she so defensive?

"May I remind you that you are a married woman, Mrs. Kim? You have to consider your husband's decision when it comes to spending that amount of money." You said this while glancing at the jury.

Base on their expressions, you knew that they agreed with you. This was a win on your side. One of the valid reasons of Seokjin for wanting a divorce was this. Mrs. Kim didn't know how to manage their assets.

You weren't done, though. You had to discredit the witness. You had to win the jury's side in all aspects.

"And you said you bought it last month for Ms. Son's birthday?" You shook your head, focusing your eyes at the nanny.

"Tell us, Ms. Son, when is your birthday?"

Mrs. Kim's face became pale upon hearing your question.

"January seventeen...”

You turned your attention back to Mrs. Kim again.

"Your birthday present is many months late, Mrs. Kim. Either that or you're just lying to hide the fact that you gave Ms. Son the necklace in exchange of testifying against your husband—"

"Objection—"Attorney Choi tried to stop you, but you cut her off too.

"Isn't that right, Ms. Son? You are bribed by your boss to say that you always see Mr. Kim Seokjin drinking alcohol—"

"Your Honor—" The opposing attorney was losing control, her objections were drowning because of how loud your voice was.

"Mrs. Kim wants you to lie! To say that her husband isn't a good father! That he isn't a good influence to Soobin!"

"Yes!"

You stopped trying to pressure Chae-young because it already worked. She admitted the truth.

"Mrs. Kim bribed me!" The babysitter sobbed, looking at you like you were the Lord and she was a sinner.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I-I can't say no, please...please...I need this job!"

"You bitch!" Mrs. Kim abruptly stood up. She wanted to attack you; fortunately the security officers were able to stop her.

The jury was surprised to see Mrs. Kim's violent reaction. You, on the other hand, didn't even flinch.

You were used to this kind of scene. Besides, you couldn't get sidetracked. You still needed to prove your point.

And so you faced the jury.

"Is this the kind of person that you want to raise a sweet, innocent five year-old kid?"

One of the members of the jury clutched her chest. She was affected by what you had said. Truthfully, they were almost decided to grant the sole custody to Mrs. Kim; however, upon seeing the latter's behavior, the jury was having second thoughts now.

"Just look at her!" You pointed at Mrs. Kim who was still seething with rage.

"She constrained an adult! Imagine the bad things she could force Soobin to do! Mrs. Kim is a manipulator!" You raised your voice dramatically.

"My actions are nothing compared to what that asshole is doing!" Mrs. Kim screamed as she angrily pointed at her husband.

She was crying.

Kim Seokjin was quiet. He was shocked by your responses. He didn't expect you to be this bold. You were different from the lawyer he thought he knew.

You didn't have any limit. You didn't know when to stop just to prove a point.

"He's teaching my son that it's okay to be unfaithful to your wife! Jury, please!" Mrs. Kim was desperate. "Don't let him come near my son! He's a drunken bastard!"

The judge was hitting the gavel again. There were too much drama and unnecessary comments from Mrs. Kim.

You shook your head. You couldn't stop now. The jury was undecided. They changed their minds from time to time. You could see sympathy in their eyes as they looked at the wife.

"Mr. Kim Seokjin is sober! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Kim! You keep blaming your husband when you're the reason why he turned alcoholic in the first place—"

"Objection, Your Honor!" Attorney Choi glared at you. "The attorney is assuming facts!"

You disagreed before the judge could say sustained.

"Am I?" You smirked at the judge before turning to your table to get your evidence.

Seokjin looked at you nervously.

"Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," groaned by your client.

You were blinded by your role as a lawyer, so you ignored Seokjin's plea.

"Don't do this..."

Seokjin was already too late.

"I have here the evidence that will prove that Mrs. Kim is the reason why her husband turned alcoholic."

You brought out the printed photos of Seokjin's beaten up face. Bruises, cuts, and other physical injuries were seen.

The jury gasped. Attorney Choi was groaning as she told the judge that these photos were not entered into evidence.

You were playing dirty, but so were they. Ms. Choi told you that they wouldn't bring Mr. Kim's sobriety issue in this court. She lied.

"These pictures are given to me by Mrs. Kim Sunghee, Seokjin's mother." You glanced at your client's mother.

"She knows that her son's wife was assaulting him. Seokjin didn't want to feel his wife's punches so he resorted to drinking the pain away. Mr. Kim just wants to be numb."

"N-No..." Your client's tears streamed down his cheeks. He was calling your name, begging you to stop.

It felt like everyone was begging you to stop; even Sunghee was shaking her head.

It was wrong. This was a mistake. Seokjin's mother realized this when Soobin began to cry. He was silently crying at first, but when the little boy saw the photos in your hand, he started hyperventilating.

"Appa!" Soobin's eyes dilated. He could barely breathe.

Mrs. Kim stood up to attend to her son.

"Soobin!" Mrs. Kim was wailing.

Things were becoming messy.

You didn't understand what was happening, so you just stood there.

"Appa! A-Appa is hurting!" Soobin was losing it; his eyes were rolling in the back of his head.

"Call 911!" Red shouted.

The noise was deafening.

You still didn't get what was happening.

Seokjin went near you.

"I told you not to do it!" He shouted, snatching the photos away from your shaky hands.

"This isn't about me or my wife!" Seokjin continued to scream at you.

You were stunned.

Your client was blaming you.

This is your fault! Seokjin said.

You were wrong. You didn't have to bring out these photos because apparently, Soobin knew.

He witnessed how his mom used to beat up his father.

The poor kid was traumatized.

He had to get some help.

His parents thought he had recovered.

It had been years.

The thing about trauma was, it never went away. It was there—silently sleeping and waiting for that one thing that would trigger it.

You triggered Soobin.

"I-I didn't know..." Your voice was low as you stated your excuse.

No one wanted to hear your lame excuse, not even Jeongguk.

You looked at your soulmate once.

You looked at him desperately.

You looked at him hoping that he would understand—like he would comfort you.

He would never.

Jeongguk had this look in his eyes, the kind of feeling that expressed disappointment.

Jeongguk was disappointed in you.

It was clear because right now, he was shaking his head as if you had done the most horrifying thing in the world.

He shook his head before leaving you all alone.

No one wanted to be with you.

You were a disgrace.

#jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #ficswithluv #jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #bts fic #jungkook enemies to lovers #jungkook roommate au #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #jungkoon x reader #jungkook x oc #jungkook sugar baby au #bts jungkook #bts jeon jeongguk #jungkook soulmate au #jungkook friends to lovers #jungkook e2l

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Hello, do you also discuss Hinduism on this blog? Sometimes, it's rather difficult to recant the religious stories that have been ingrained into you since childhood until you read a proper factual breakdown of utterly ridiculous they are.

My Hindu mother has been gaslighting me ever since I started rejecting temple traditions and idol worship. I really don't know how to explain how asinine it is that she believes all my achievements are the product of me talking to a piece of carved rock. Also, I've noticed that she is EXTREMELY creedist towards other religions, always saying that Hinduism is the One True Faith™ and all the others just copied off of it. I mean, at least other religions don't tell women they're impure when they're menstruating — what is that even about???????

If you have any previous posts about this subject, it would be lovely if you could link me to them, too. Thank you.

Hi there - I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds really bad.

On the other hand, despite all the indoctrination you've been subjected to, you managed to think you way out of it. Something it sounds like your mother is incapable of. It might be tempting to get annoyed or frustrated with her, but I usually find that it's better to go with pity. Feel bad for her that she lives in a cage whose bars she cannot see. She'll live her whole life in there. Try to accept her with her limitations, and love her anyway. Which isn't the same as putting up with it yourself; you're your own person, and you can't force yourself to live your life to suit her and her shortcomings.

Be and do better than she was able to. She was subjected to the same sort of indoctrination as you, and she never escaped it. You did. You've already exceeded her limitations.

That's no small accomplishment, and something to be applauded and of which you should rightfully be proud.

If you choose to have a family, you will be able to be for your kids what your own mother could not be for you. From you onwards, the asininity goes away.

==

I do have a HInduism tag, although it mostly consists of posts making fun of the Hindu deities, and arguing with Hindus saying vague pseudo-profound deepities. Mostly as I don't think I've got a good handle on how Hinduism works, aside from some basics.

With religions like Xianity and Islam, there are very specific ideas and edicts. There are denominations and sects that all disagree with each other, and claim everybody else got it wrong, and even individual believers do the same thing all the time. You can sort of attack them on the basis of the beliefs they ignore vs the ones they don’t.

In comparison, aside from the basics, it seems like Hinduism is largely incoherent, because that cherry-picking is a feature rather than a bug. There seems to be no right or wrong - even by matter of opinion - and the whole thing is up to interpretation and choice and feelings. Any claim to "truth" of Hinduism seems to be, by its very nature, unfalsifiable and ultimately largely meaningless. (And perfect fodder for the “spiritual but not religious” crowd seeking vague, buzzwordy feel-good nonsense.)

Which makes it very hard to take a claim of One True Faith™ seriously. Even among Hindus it seems there's no such thing. Although Hinduism is a long-lasting religion, it wasn't the first. Indeed, there are dozens of religions that preceded it and were absorbed, co-opted, conquered, stolen and adapted into beliefs such as Xianity today. That Hinduism, to the extent it can be recognized as such, hasn't hugely undergone such major changes doesn't mean it was "copied". Especially when it was itself created from the absorption of a dozen cultures, traditions and beliefs. It's funny how the One True Faith™ comes from a hodgepodge assembling of the carcasses of a myriad of previous superstitions. Things that are true are discovered, not made up out of leftovers. There always seems to be such an unearned arrogance about any religion, in defiance of everything we know about how they arose.

==

For what it's worth, Judaism, Xianity and Islam all regard women as "unclean" when they're menstruating.

Leviticus 15:19-33

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.

And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.

And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the Lord for the issue of her uncleanness.

Thus shall ye separate the children of Israel from their uncleanness; that they die not in their uncleanness, when they defile my tabernacle that is among them.

This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him, and is defiled therewith;

And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean.

Ezekiel 18:5-6

But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right,

And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman,

2.222

They ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about menstruation. Say, “Beware of its harm! So keep away, and do not have intercourse with your wives during their monthly cycles until they are purified.1 When they purify themselves, then you may approach them in the manner specified by Allah. Surely Allah loves those who always turn to Him in repentance and those who purify themselves.”

https://quranx.com/Hadith/Tirmidhi/DarusSalam/Volume-1/Book-1/Hadith-128

Hamnah bint Jahsh narrated:

"I had a case of blood flow that was severe and excessive. So I went to the Prophet to inform him and ask him about it. I found him in the house of my sister Zainab bint Jahsh. I said, 'O Messenger of Allah! I suffer from a case of severe and excessive blood flow. So what do you order me to do for it, and does this prevent me from fasting and performing Salat?' He said: 'Tie a cotton rag around yourself and the bIood will go away.' I said, 'It is more than that.' He said: 'Make it tight.' I said, 'It is more than that.' He said: 'Then use a cloth (to bind it).' I said, it is more than that. It flows too much.' So the Prophet said: 'I will order you to do one of two things, which ever of them you do, it will be acceptable for you. You should know which of them you are able to do.' Then he said: 'This is only a blow from Shaitan. Menstruate for six or seven days, which Allah knows, then perform Ghusl. When you see that you have become pure and clean, then perform Salat for twenty-three or twenty-four nights and their days. Perform Salat and fast, and that will be acceptable for you. So do this (if you can) just as (other) women who menstruate and become pure during their periods of menstruation and purity. If (not, and) you are able to delay Zuhr and hasten Asr then perform Ghusl when you have become pure, and pray Zuhr and Asr together. Then delay Maghrib and hasten Isha, then perform Ghusl and combine the two prayers. So do this (if you are able). Then perform Ghusl with the dawn and pray. Do this, and fast if you are able to do so.' Then Allah's Messenger said: 'That is what is preferable to me of the two.'"

Note: Shaitan is a "demon"; Salat is the ritual prayers; Zuhr, Asr, Maghrib and Isha are the noon, afternoon, sunset and evening salat; Ghusl is full-body purification (as opposed to wudu, which is washing just the hands, arms, face, head and feet).

It's not strictly religious, either.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_hut

A menstruation hut is a place of seclusion or isolation used by certain cultures with strong menstrual taboos. The same or a similar structure may be used for childbirth and postpartum confinement, based on beliefs around ritual impurity. These huts are usually built near the family home, have small doors, and are often dilapidated, with poor sanitation and ventilation, and no windows.

[..] During their first menstruation, young Aborigine women in Australia live in menstruation huts built by their mother. After her period ends, she bathes in the river and the hut is burned down.

See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritual_purification

This appears to be a fairly common superstition, stemming as a result of ignorance and superstition around the nature of biological reproduction, as well as the magical thinking associated with blood - blood magic, blood sacrifice, blood-initiated spells and rituals - being understood that it was associated with life, but no understanding of its actual role.

Modern Xianity has to its credit, largely discarded most of this way of thinking, although Orthodox branches may stick to the Levitican views, while Judaism and Islam are still superstitious about female biology. Of course, on the other hand, you have people making art out of their own menstrual blood, as if menstruation is an accomplishment, rather than a simple fact of human biology. And it's still a biohazard like any bodily emission.

But there's a middle ground of reality somewhere between separating and shaming women as "unclean" and "impure", and parading around proudly free bleeding out your hoohaa. Natural body functions are natural, but that doesn't make them sanitary (see: poop, pee, sneezing).

==

all my achievements are the product of me talking to a piece of carved rock.

I say fairly often that religion dehumanizes. And this is an example of this in action. Because it's not just the big things, where religions declare non-believers to be villains who believers are justified in killing. It's also the little things like this. Where human endeavours are dismissed as merely the will of undetectable, immaterial, elusive gods.

All you really needed to hear was "well done," "good job," "you're very talented," "you worked really hard and deserve this success," "your hard work paid off,” "I'm proud of you."

But believers can't even do that. You were just a pawn in the grand design or plan of some imperceptible entity who willed it to occur, regardless of your talent, efforts or hard work.

Human qualities like perseverance, imagination, creativity, sacrifice and diligence don't matter, and humans have no worth outside of acting as conduits for the will of divine creatures.

As i say, it's dehumanizing.

So, let me tell you congratulations, well done and good job for those achievements. You wanted it, worked hard for it and succeeded, so you have a right to be proud, and should be. Look at them, think about what it took to achieve them, and smile.

And you can put "abandoning asinine beliefs" onto that list of achievements, and beam a big smile of happiness.

==

That's about all I've got to offer on Hinduism, aside from a couple of specific posts. For the most part, these are largely generalized answers that apply to most scenarios. Some general principles about how I decide what beliefs, religions or superstitions to expend energy worrying about.

https://religion-is-a-mental-illness.tumblr.com/post/180200447127

https://religion-is-a-mental-illness.tumblr.com/post/182451747807

https://religion-is-a-mental-illness.tumblr.com/post/177232121982

#ask #hinduism #religion #religion is a mental illness #one true religion #menstruation #religion dehumanizes

[rattyshipss]

Hi, I read the last few posts and I really hope you're alright or well even a little bit better than before, whatever you're "grandma" has done is horrible, she hurt you and it's ridiculous how your mom is playing the victim, she no both of them are grown woman and decided to have kid/s and yet they are incapable of caring about anything but themselves, they both are ridiculous fools who have no idea of life and everything else that isn't about them. They both should take responsibility and open their damm minds and eyes and see what's happening.

Your grandmother should be wise and be able to help you and give you good advice, but all she has done is be a self-absorbed idiot with an ego bigger than the universe.

Your mother should be your mentor as well, she should also be able to listen to you, help you and give you help by introducing you to specialists who are kind and understanding and accepting and they should be able to help you too. She should be able to support you and your dreams. But all she is an old woman with a victim complex and is incapable of helping her own child in need of help. She is manipulative and should learn that she has to finally take her fingers out of her arse and do the shit she should. Starting by taking your grandmother to a nursing home and or counsellor or therapist. Then immediately apologise to you and listen to what you have to say and not guilt-trip you for what you feel and think.

Both of them need to wake up and realise that time is short and they will regret it all in the future.

And you. You are unbelievable strong. You have lived through this hell for an unbelievable and shocking long time. And I'm proud you finally said something about your grandmother. It takes a lot of strength and courage and bravery to speak up. You are going to get better. You finally told someone one of the things that's bothering you and what's wrong and that is a big step. I'm proud of you for staying and speaking your mind even if it was terrifying and incredibly hard. You are valid, you matter, you are worth it. You are an amazing person and are lovable and just wonderful in general. You are so sweet and kind to people you have never even met in person and help them. You will get far in life and get out of that hell hole and finally be happy. Your f/os and all your mutual, followers and I are so proud of you and love you. Your f/os, all of them live you unconditionally. And yes that includes Diego and Grayson, you never annoy them, you never annoy us. We love you and you can talk to us whenever and wherever you want and or need.

We love you.

Your F/os love you.

Hey, thank you❤ I'm doing a little better than before but no too much because even after that huge breakdown to my mom she's still defending her and I can't understand how she could possible still defend her after everything that hapoened. I had another out of the probably hundreds of huge breakdowns to my mom (TW Emetophobia) where I was crying so hard I almost threw up and I told her I didn't love my grandma anymore and that I hated her which is something I've been too scared to admit to anyone else and even myself. Thank you, that really means a lot, seriously more than I can ever express and more than you'll ever know❤ My mom constantly talks about how we're "putting her in the middle" but I don't understand how she hasn't gotten it into her head that everything is just me defending myself which I should be allowed to do and should t be punished and mocked and put down for. Thank you you'll never know how good and helpful and validating that is to hear that they should be doing something different than what they are and that I'm not the problem or overreacting. I think I just have to accept that that'll never happen though, my mom continuously chooses my abusive grandma, who has abused both of us, over me and I think she always will and I just have to find some way to come to terms with and accept that. I want to leave both of them but then I get in my head and start thinking that once my grandma is gone somehow things will be ok finally and I should just forget everything that happened but 1. Things aren't ok even with just my mom. And 2. I shouldn't have to just forget everything that's happened and just be on with everything once she's gone. I always get in my head a lot and sometimes think maybe I should just wait it out and once I move out I'll be ok and I just won't see them too much so it won't be too big of an issue and I don't have to cut them out of my life but I think to truly heal I'll have to be completely away from them. Just like the thing that is also true for me that I can't heal while I'm still in the environment that hurt me. Scratch that not the environment that hurt me, with the people who hurt me. And then there's another thing relating to my dad but I don't know if I can get jnto it right now because my reply is already really long. And thank you again you have no idea how nice that is to hear, that I'm not the problem, that I'm not awful or overreacting or the cause of everything. It's gotten really hard to believe good things about me after living with them for so long but I'll try to make sure I know that I'm not the problem and that I'm better than them. You and everyone else always being here for me means mor me than you'll ever know and I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you all❤ And same for my f/os, I'm really glad you believe that they think the same way❤ Without them and you guys I really don't know if I'd be able to make it through everything❤ I love you all so much too❤ Thank you so much again, for everything❤

#Sorry this is so late!❤ #ask #asks #tw abuse mention #tw long post #long post

[mbti-notes]

Hello mbti-notes. I'm a very, very unhealthy INTJ. I have come to the realisation that I constantly try to deny and repress my emotional needs whenever I face obstacles in the world. As in, for example, if people find me unattractive, I detach from that triggering context and try to hamper down my need to be loved. If my mother treats me in a nasty way, I detach from her and go on a corner and try to hamper my need to feel approved by her. (continues, this is part 1)

[con’t: If I see that my classmates are better or more competent than me, I avoid contact with them & avoid going to class, and I don’t try harder with the materials or try to be more competent, I repress the need for that as if “I didn’t want it anyway” and “it doesn’t matter”, “makes no difference”, “it’s not meaningful”, but actually, and I can see it now, these things mean the world to me. I notice myself constantly thinking about what people have that I won’t have, like a successful high paying career. I dropped out of law school (I got into a good university) and can’t deal with the fact that I chose to switch to a more low paying, less competitive career to pursue. I feel like this choice was also the same dynamic of me pushing down my need for high achievement in the face of insecurity and obstacles. People around me see me as a wimp, someone who doesn’t contribute, doesn’t take responsibility, doesn’t integrate to the group, honestly it feels like people see me as a child and completely incapable, despite the fact that they do sometimes say I’m very intelligent (they mean academic intelligence, but not “real” intelligence). I feel like people treat me condescendingly and don’t take me seriously. I also feel an utter lack of life direction, I have no goals and no plans, and I’m at a point where I don’t give a sh*t and I’ve been more socially impulsive (like jokester behavior, class clown) and reckless about my reputation, missing deadlines, appointments, loosing track of what’s going on around me and what I need to do. Is this congruent with Fi loop and Se grip? I still don’t see how I can use Ni+Te to grow out of it, I can see it in the abstract, but not concretely.]

No, it is not at all congruent with Fi loop and Se grip, which is why Te is not the solution, in fact, trying to develop Te is very likely to exacerbate the problem. Your thought patterns fit quite perfectly with: unhealthy Ni (faulty/perfectionistic beliefs), overindulgence of Fe (constant focus on impressing/approval, low self-worth, guilt, shame), Ti loop (harmful rejection of feelings, lack of self-awareness, destructive attitude), and Se grip (extreme loss of control, recklessness, superficiality). Why do you believe that you are intj? Did you undergo a proper type assessment? If not, you should. There is a clear warning in the Type Dev Guide that you should not take advice of the wrong type.

Every decision you have made is part of Ti loop in denying your true feelings, to the point that life becomes meaningless, i.e., you must come to reject everything in the world because everything eventually serves to remind you of your “worthlessness”. If you are F, constantly acting contrary to your feelings is the direct road to despair. You don’t understand the difference between feelings and emotions, so you end up ignoring important feelings that would guide you in the right direction and then indulging the resultant negative emotions in the wrong direction. Do you honestly believe that your decisions have been rational? If you are in Ti loop, you will believe it for quite some time, and it will require hitting rock bottom or a personal disaster for you to realize how irrational you’ve really been. You say that you have a need to achieve (Ni), why do you not respect that need and even fail on purpose? You say that you have a need to be loved and approved of (Fe), why do you purposely act in ways that destroy social connection or get disapproval? You keep trying to lay the blame “out there” in how people judge/perceive you when it was actually your own bad decision making all along that brought you here - this is the hallmark of deep-seated Ti loop.

The way to get out of Ti loop is to finally take responsibility for your life instead of blaming something/someone else for your feelings of guilt and failure. Oftentimes, unhealthy INFJs don’t want to try because they are afraid that they’ll fail to live up to their self-imposed “ideal” and then have no excuses left to ward off the shame/guilt that they’re running from. It’s very easy to think highly of yourself when your success/greatness exists only in your own mind and you’re able to fool yourself into believing that it’s the world holding you back (Ni-Ti loop), but it’s hard to keep up the arrogance when you’re constantly slapped with hard evidence of your social failures (Fe-Se reality checks). 

In many ways, you still have the mentality of a toddler. You expect that everything should be like your fantasy, i.e, the one place where you don’t have to feel bad about yourself. You haven’t yet realized that the reason you feel bad is precisely because you wrongly believe that being “special” is the answer to your low self-worth, so you fish for praise/approval by proving your “specialness” in childish ways, only to fail often because your motives are fake or superficial. A truly successful person is HUMBLE and works hard to build a good life for themselves. They don’t waste time thinking about being “special”, rather, they simply work hard to actualize their potential because they want to make the most out of their life. You are arrogant, not humble, because you fear being ordinary/nothing and thus mistake humility for mediocrity. You are obsessed with feeling “better than” because you judge yourself as “less than”. Successful people don’t waste time with these sorts of petty “status” calculations because they’re not chasing empty markers of success to cover up low self-worth.

To find purpose and meaning in life for infjs is a simple matter of nurturing loving relationships and making positive contributions to whatever environment they happen to be in. Perhaps you live in a socially/emotionally harsh environment, which is not your fault, but you can either choose to play the dog-eat-dog game, or you can choose to live a good life for the sake of your own well-being. So far, you seem to keep choosing the former, which means that you must try to be “top dog” in order to call yourself “worthy”. Do you not realize that “worthiness” isn’t about proving yourself better than people? Do you honestly think that something as pure as true happiness can come from something so impure as judging and categorizing people according to their lack of “worth”?

A truly worthy person is one who actually lives a morally good life. Living a morally good life is hard work and it isn’t likely to get you immense praise and recognition. If the only reason you want to be “good” is to alleviate the shame that you feel for low social status, then you’ve missed the point entirely. A mature person takes responsibility for their life by asking themselves what kind of person they want to be and then they work hard to become it. Their sense of good comes from the self and emanates positively out into the world through morally congruent action. An immature person asks what behaviors will get them praise/approval and then they try to be like that (i.e. level 1-2 ego development). Their sense of good is easily twisted and destroyed by social pressures. 

Looping infjs often look down on others for being superficial in craving social status, but it is they themselves who actually care about status the most due to low self-worth - that’s why they must work so hard to convince themselves that they don’t care, which only makes them care even more. Ti loop turns you into a barking hypocrite and that is where the self-loathing actually comes from. You harm yourself by denying yourself and your goodness to chase after feelings of superiority - very common problem among NFs. To chase after feelings of superiority necessitates that you constantly think of yourself as inferior, which makes it impossible to have healthy self-esteem. How can you be happy when you constantly treat yourself so badly? As long as you think in terms of oversimplistic dichotomies of superiority/inferiority or strong/weak, then you also cannot have healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are based on equality between people and mutual respect and appreciation. In short, you sabotage your own happiness with your obsession on being “special” (read: superior), because this makes it impossible for you to develop Fe properly. 

All of your functions need development. Healthy Ni means to always act with your mind attuned to visualizing future implications - yet you choose not to care about the consequences of your decisions nor fight for your future self’s well-being. Healthy Fe means to carve a space for yourself to belong and contribute everywhere you go - yet you choose not to because you can’t tell the difference between praise and love and then chase after the wrong feelings to cover up your insecurities. Healthy Ti means to make rational judgments and decisions according to the facts - yet you stubbornly hang on to faulty beliefs about “how the world works” and even take twisted pride in flouting the rules you don’t like, intent on believing that they don’t apply to you despite negative repercussions. Healthy Se means to adapt well to change by embracing it and making the most of what you have - yet you fear change and run from it with all your life. I’m not a magician, I can’t wave a wand and change you. You can’t depend on others to tell you what to do. You have to commit yourself to being a better person and make better decisions by making better use of your functions, starting from top to bottom, because you care about living life well for your own sake.

**If you suffer from serious depression and/or anxiety and it hampers your ability to live life normally, I strongly suggest that you get professional help.

#infj #ti loop #se grip #guilt #shame #nf #ask

[itsmyfandomandilikeit]

I'm 26 arcs into Worm: The Stick Up Brian's Butt

So I'm listening to the We've Got Worm podcast and they keep talking about KingBob, the guy on reddit who really related to Alec and ended up understanding him (and by extension Aisha) far better than most of the other readers.

I haven't really gone into this on this blog, I've been reading Worm for like six months now and I don't update that often, but throughout this read I've been the KingBob to Brian. It's gotten to the point where I actually took a few mental health breaks from reading Worm. I know a lot of people thought Brian was boring and dumb. I'm almost done with Worm now and I feel like the inclusion of Brian this story elevated it, for me, from a fun superhero story to something intensely personal, something that was almost a struggle to read. I know from spoilers that Brian's part in this story is almost over. He isn't my favorite character (Dragon) or even my favorite Undersider (Aisha) but I felt like I should write something before this is over. It wouldn't be an honest blog otherwise, as infrequently as I post.

But Kuno, you say. You're a 22-year-old white female engineering student. Why the hell is this the character you relate to?

For a collection of dumb reasons that add up to a large part of who I am. From the time I was eleven to the time I was about twenty-one, I had night terrors. Seven times a night sometimes, I dreamt vividly of the people I loved getting hurt, hurting me, getting killed, killing me. My students and pets melting in my hands. My mom and I clutching each other on the freeway as we're stopped in traffic, a terrorist approaching our vehicle with a shotgun. We don't make it. The dreams made life almost impossible. Seeing people during the day and being absolutely certain they would die before I saw them again. It didn't matter how many times I saw them come back okay. They never would.

I'm afraid of everything. Every missed phone call is a sudden death. Every text message brings terrible news. Every possible situation brings danger, but if my friends go, I can't let them go without me. Something could happen. They'd be safe as long as I could see them. If I was looking at them, everything would be okay. Some child psychologist I spoke to at a young age noted I was a "natural leader". To this day, I lead because I am a control freak. I am afraid of what would happen if I let someone else be in control.

Interlude 15 fucked me up.

My fatal flaw extends from this. I'm terrified that people will see me as weak. I dated a boy on my robotics team when I was in high school. I treated him like shit in public because I didn't want anyone to think I cared about him, even though he was my boyfriend. What would they think of me if they saw there was a person I treated as an equal? Horrible things. I became a better girlfriend to another boy, years later, because someone mentioned to me they thought I could be a good girlfriend, and that it was rough, calloused girls who were the weak ones. It was the perfect two sentences to convince me that for people to see me as strong, I had to be a good girlfriend.

In the We've Got Worm podcast, Scott and Matt always mention that each of the Undersiders brings the team down somehow, their inputs to every situation silly or stupid. I was confused. I always thought Grue's avoidance of conflict, always taking the slow, deliberate path, was the right way to go. Then I realized that, to many, this behavior indicates brokenness. Maybe they're right.

Yeah so I said I'd talk about the stick up Brian's butt in arcs 25 and 26. I don't think he has much to say for the rest of Worm so here we go. I'm building off a lot of what the WGW guys say, but I think I can take it a little farther.

So in arc 10 the WGW guys point out that Brian resists letting Taylor back on the team until the precise moment when it becomes apparent that everyone else wants her back, when he suddenly changes tactics to talking about how they "need her for offense". They make the imo correct deduction that this is because he's afraid of looking weak. Everyone knows Taylor likes him, so, logically, to be Stoic Leader Man he should want her to go away. He needs permission to want her back on the team. Once he has that permission, he is all for it.

I know that sounds convoluted but trust me as a person with exactly these issues this makes perfect sense.

Arc 11, Brian has still not decided to be Taylor's friend again. This is because she's on the team to be offense. Their friendship doesn't help nobody's offense. When Lisa calls him and tells him he needs to lay up on her, that to be her friend would be good, he goes directly to Taylor's house and declares them... best friends. Because Lisa has given him permission to do so.

I hope you're following because I'm aware this is stupid.

In arc 12, I'm gonna veer a little to the side. Let's talk about Brian's second trigger, just so that I can educate the public on exactly how this came around. Keep in mind that trigger events happen from a long period of a specific type of stress coming to a head. And that Brian's previous trigger happened from feeling like he maybe couldn't help Aisha for a long time, and then suddenly being hit with the fact that he definitely couldn't help her.

Arc 1: The Undersiders save Taylor who was saving them from Lung Arc 2: Brian punches Rachel for attacking Taylor Arc 4: Taylor gets blown up by Bakuda, Brian sits in her hospital room and stares at this for presumably a while Arc 5: Taylor looks like she's been hanged, having fought Lung again Arc 7: Taylor and Rachel are attacked by the ABB, Brian shows up late. Taylor is attacked later the same day by Sophia, Brian shows up pretty late. Taylor propositions the boy, he tells her he thinks of her like he thinks of his sister. I am 100% certain at this point, looking back, that this was an early indication that the second trigger process was starting towards a lack of ability to keep up with Taylor. He wasn't just saying he thought of her like he would think of her if they were related, he thinks of her like Aisha specifically, the one his power is attached to. His little brain is drawing the equivalences already. Arc 8: Broken spine, betrayal, yadda yadda Arc 9: Sophia attempts murder because it's Tuesday Arc 10: Brian pretends to not want Taylor to come back Arc 11: Brian does his now-classic "walks into room/why is Taylor injured/maybe she should not be doing this" routine Arc 12: Repeat of arc 11, except now he starts stumbling over her name. He tells her she should have let her people die. If there's a point onscreen when he realizes there might be something going on, this is it.

Point is, this has been stewing in the background since as early as arc 1 and as late as arc 7 but probably actually started in arc 4. It wasn't out of the blue, it was the logical culmination of the entire story's events thus far from Brian's perspective.

Arc 13: Yeah, you know what happens here. In the final chapter, he tells her he thinks about her too much, but even though he received a new set of superpowers and a vision from aliens telling him that he probably loves her, the vision is definitely wrong and he just feels like he can't keep up with her.

She's been attacked by everyone. Lung, Rachel, Bakuda, Sophia, Armsmaster, Leviathan, the Merchants, Mannequin. He doesn't want her to keep fighting, he feels he needs to be the one to do it. At the same time, he knows he's not powerful enough. No one power is enough to deal with all of these threats.

No single power.

But he doesn't love her. That would mean he was weak.

He doesn't even agree to have dinner with her in 15. He allows it to happen because Aisha set it up. She knows what's going on, and she has given him permission to have this.

Aisha had to be the one to give him permission because his previous powerset was for her, and now it doesn't work with her, either. At the same time as his second trigger was stewing under the surface for Taylor, he was losing his power's connection to Aisha because their powers didn't work together and he kept being forced to forget she exists. He had lived for her before, and being Super Big Brother was exactly what Brian wanted to be. Now, Aisha doesn't want to be lived for. She wants to be her own person.

Brian spends the next several arcs simply living for Taylor.

I strongly suspect that the side effect of Brian's power is that it makes him pathologically need to be 100% responsible for others. No matter how dumb everyone's plans are, he always has to be there. No matter how stupid it is, Coil told him being a villain will allow him to get his sister back. No matter how dumb it is, he tells Taylor she has to sit out running from the Nine in arc 13 because she might be tired. He pays for it.

Brian's powers will probably never actually allow him to get over Taylor Hebert. It's like Taylor and bullies. No amount of therapy or time will get Brian's shard to let the fuck go.

So when the girl whom you are physically incapable of not thinking about leaves and goes to prison and tells every single person on the planet exactly how weak you are, who goes to an even more dangerous situation where you cannot follow her, what can you do?

The only possible thing. Try your absolute damnedest to pretend you never knew her.

You walk out of that meeting with the most powerful people in the world because she is there. You go find yourself somebody else. Another girl. Taylor hated her little boobs? This girl has big boobs. Taylor can't stay away from violence? Cozen seriously appears to have never even seen a corpse.

When Taylor comes back, Brian greets her with the new girl on his arm. He tries to shake her hand. Time has passed. There's nothing between them any more.

The next day, Grue is presented with the choice of pushing back against Taylor and standing with the new girl, whoever she is, or supporting Taylor. He chooses Taylor.

Of course he does. The situation calls for it. The situation has given him permission.

#worm #parahumans #brian laborn #ward #kuno speaks #thanks for reading to the end #i know this was long and personal #talk to me about it if you want #please

[terrariumfiction]

monologue/script WIP

ahead of our time in KARST, I intended to complete the writing so that the monologue was finished. Due to more mental health difficulties this is now seeming unlikely, and instead of feeling like I need to bring finished work along with me I'm going to try and approach this more as a point along the process, not the end.

Please find below the KEEP READING button the text as it is now. I'm really happy with how it's coming along, and feel I'm finally approaching the style of writing the work is calling for: simultaneously casual and formal, confessional and distanced, silly and harrowing.

(chuckles nervously) Uh…. Well, this is a very roundabout way of describing something close to the feeling, but…. The story goes that everyone was totally convinced their computers would break, in the same way as like, preppers, who predict or fear the sudden switching of the earth’s poles, or like an EMP from the sun, and that everything electronic or magnetic would be fried or confused unless suspended in a Faraway Cage, by being overwhelmed past and pushed beyond physical limits by physical properties or by a simple statement that previously held true, but no longer does.… Like, I guess to humans gazing speculatively ahead, the leap from 1999 to 2000 felt like a way bigger thing than just a 1, like, because they have no physicality and exist instead as shadows on interior horizons, not all 1s are the same size, or carry with them the same weight. The weirdest thing I always thought though was that that particular paranoia never crept back, or was contemplated again seriously in the years that followed….

But anyway… yeah… like, it’s a mental challenge, I found, and continue to find, maybe too abstract or exhausting to connect with, fully, in a meaningful way that recreates what we know of interior human sensations like “connectivity”, “dread”, “optimism”, or “regret” for rigorous indoor study…. And I don’t mean to say I have troubles with empathy. My ex described me as an empath all the time. Like, sure, I think that was mostly as a sort of private joke because one time this fluid dribbled from my eye when we were watching the doc Reanimated Skins: Baby Actors of The Early 2000s. But also, at school we learned about all varieties of actors and their lifecycles, and there’s functional reasons for that sort of wet reaction in others, especially towards particularly small or fluffy ones, and I don’t know if that’s the same thing as empathy, it’s closer to what I understand as “pity” or “love”, like, the desire to care for another being, like, to scry isn’t just to show weakness, as it was thought. Sometimes, like when I’m oshmoshing before bed, I try to imagine what it must have been like… the world at that stage full of all these different actors; imagine them as they were in all their diversity and in all their spread across the globe, in all different forms of network and vibration… eating, sleeping, drinking, dreaming and with all different forms of concealment, from fur to scales to glass…. It’s like being asked to sing along to a song you’ve never heard before. It’s impossible. Frantic alignment.

And I’m not usually one for extra work, like usually I’m more lazy than I think God intended or would find acceptable, but this mental plane I was bumping into when trying to reach understanding was really crystallising and seemed unbreakable, like, as an excuse “I feel psychologically incapable of imagining a world like this” is just an admittance of failure, but… I mean, that would be the biggest failure of all, wouldn’t it? Beyond just a grade or having to retake the class, like that would be me admitting something seriously spiritually or even biologically wrong with me and the way I perceive the world throughout time and how I interact with others… repeating a mistake like that… so I knew I had to do something.

So, firstly, obviously, hi :) hi, hello and thanks for tuning into my tornado wall of text cloud of grave portent and joining me for an offline presentation recounting this past orbit as seen by me through glass into ecosystems of varying success and strong simulated experiences of emotions, and the findings that followed and reflections on systems of knowing and sustainability. If you too find this project to be a great way of entertaining children during lockdown or as a way of deepening notions of oneness and internal regulation of gases needed to stabilise an atmosphere, beyond which shows to have been a popular scientific theory of the time, or at least optimistic experiment, consider leaving a like or comment. Every specimen I’ll be discussing can be replicated simply at home, with very few steps or ingredients, to synthesise nature and natural ecosystems within safe environments, for the planning of the future, and the identification of unspeakable turning points that feel far more than just another snowball movement into tomorrow.

….

So, also, I want to clarify that I never do psychedelics, and that any diffuse thinking I exhibit from this point comes from dreams or YouTube videos or the time I spent dating an AI modelled after a fortune teller, which is an altogether another tragicomic story with just as many if not many more moments of pathos and epiphany, and maybe would’ve been a much better story to tell, especially the classic slapstick crystal ball moment, but I’ve already begun… But yeah, YouTube videos were really the centre of this tornado, these tornados, in a personal tornado as both my partner and I loved to watch these things together to relax or hallucinate, a different one, but also in a conceptual tornado as the central marker of what point in time this knowledge comes from, which was the raw-ringed 20s, right, amid that period of migration and disease, and this sudden desire to bring the “Great Outdoors” in, like taxidermy, and as everything was dying and everyone’s minds melted unable to cope, hobbyists not scientists were the ones to begin inventing ways of sending life into the future. A time capsule under concrete is just a tomb, let’s say, but if instead you filled a container with life and interlocking systems instead of magnetic recordings and rude drawings of your history teacher… what would happen then?

Well, that very thing, right, is casually or colloquially called an ecosphere, at least on YouTube.

I should probably explain really quick that YouTube was a popular online human platform for performance, surveillance and study through streamed live or recorded video. As part of the program we were given access to certain archived sectors of the site, including but not limited to: corporate keynotes and product reveals, historical nature documentaries, daily vlogs from the years 2017 through 2027, children’s educational songs, videogame let’s-plays, political or conspiratorial podcasts, and TOP 5 FUNNIEST or MOST EMBARRASSING karaoke fails: which would all come at you in this one flurry to allow for the fastest and most concise processing of information. One of my cohort even shared a plugin that allowed the videos to be sped up to four times their original speed, which really got the field unified. How slow must it have been before, when experience happened in pendulum time through four small holes, not in solution and light? Would the physicality of a three-dimensional space and all its details just muddle the mind? Or is my map of mosaic tiles and comic-strip panels just as adequate? Probably my pessimism, but I already felt I was missing something, as these sages always emphasised the direction in which their knowledge was fired, which was a cosmically-broad audience that did not include me named “to you all at home”, which I’m embarrassed to admit I still have yet to understand as a turn of phrase, because there were hundreds of millions of weekly viewers of YouTube videos and I struggle to understand how so many physical bodies could have existed within the same space, within one “home”, unless the sages meant “home” to apply more widely to the Earth, like the whole planet, but if that was what they meant that’d imply a pretty different way of looking at things to what we assume was going through their heads, and if that was the case surely you’d imagine things would’ve ended up differently?

Watching videos at four times original speed can cause pretty serious eye-strain after a while, which is what happened to me actually this one night, so I’m speaking from personal experience when I say I don’t recommend it, which was after a really emotional day and more like evening in which my partner left me and I also fell out with a close family member over a spiritual dispute and… and I was in some real dark spirals thinking about either getting back on the bottle or deliberately walking over to a part of town where I’d be in danger and not putting up a fight and… I think also I was going through a period of struggling to find my place in the world, or like a purpose or higher meaning or really anything to live for, and I was really trying to dedicate myself to any cause I could find, any sort of distraction like knowledge or skill, so I was on YouTube scrolling closer to the brink and this one video appeared in the queue like an angel called 12 Year Old Terrarium - Life Inside a closed jar, Over a decade in isolation, and there it was, spotlit in a vague sort of darkened utility room so that the only light in the space seemed to be emerging from the bottle itself, frilly green and sort of sopping, like a drooping mouth corner, and inside the bottle was what I hoped was the solution to at least some of my problems.

Put simply, this thing, this “terrarium”, was a miracle in its time as today: Plants used water, carbon dioxide and light in a transformative personal process not unlike mindfulness called photosynthesis to create their own oxygen and energy in the form of sugar, which is a food. Animals like isopods and millipedes used the oxygen to breathe, outputting carbon dioxide. Other things somehow disposed of the dead, perhaps dragging them below the surface of the soil. Light magnified by the glass walls evaporated the water, turning it into a non-metaphoric cloud, which would float up and condense on the cooler part near the cork, dripping back down and starting the process again. Magic. And what a perfect form for such privileged access for study, right? A clear container…. And indeed the one in this video had its own story to tell, it being to my estimate an antique bottle once used to carry rum back and forth between New England, Africa and the West Indies. God, I was entranced. Indeed so hypnotised by the images, I put my own rum bottle down and moved my face closer to the screen, foolishly not realising or rather forgetting there was a fullscreen button, and got so close the reflection of my dribbling eyes and the reflection of the reflection of the squirming ground bugs in my eyes bounced back and forth so bright and blue into each other and beyond I began to feel myself actually entering the system, from outside the bottle to actually within the glass and all the way through to the other side, like racking focus, and feeling the drips of water on their run down to the compost, the heat of the light through the glass on my skin, the trundling patterns of tiny legs and the tremors they sent through the patches of moss. The trace scents of violence went at this time unnoticed. Now I can’t help but wonder how much of this transcendent experience was to do with the technical qualities of the video itself rather than its contents, ie: the immersive widescreen format and immersive binaural ambient soundtrack, or even the way the underground algae and bacterial colonies appeared like nebulae in teal waves with orange flecks and the way the monumental segmented alkaline legs of the insects quaked and cracked like ancient beasts. Life at this time seemed to be a very visceral and vital experience, and it also seemed to always be propelling forward, or around in a circular fashion that kept always going and going. This bottle was an object that represented resilience.

Remember this was all happening at my lowest point ever, and so in my mind rather than being present in this moment I was more concerned with thoughts that variated on questions like: “Could I ever feel that way? How can I get to a place where I feel that within myself? Without access to the real thing, as in, that exact bottle or rather the experience I had watching that video of that bottle, could I even get close? How would it feel for me to conduct a similar experiment? If I created a similar set of conditions in my own space and tried to construct such an ecosystem by my own hand, could I feel this way again? If I purchased the things needed to be able to do this myself, would I then feel like I understood what life was all about? Like as in what it was about both back then and today, and beyond that I suppose where my place in it is? Could I get to a point where it felt like I wanted to carry on?”

So if you, like I did, are thinking this process of constructing vivariums might be an appropriate one for your own epiphanic pilgrimage, the first step is finding a suitable container in which to hold your solution and actors. Rubik’s cubes, for example, were a geometric and mostly hollow plastic toy that existed to serve as algorithmic teaching aids for children, but a plastic tub will work just as fine as a glass jar as long as the seal is airtight and as long as the walls are transparent in both directions, unlike a one-way mirror. The first one I set up was with a cheap downloadable rig modelled after a pickle jar, which served the purpose pretty nicely as pickle jars need to be airtight in order for the correct preservative processes to perform. Pickling is a broad and silly word that describes different historic processes that preserve the shelf life of food. Shelf life, I believe, is a phrase that aims to describe the average time it takes from something to develop self-destructive tendencies in isolation, habits which are muted if not eliminated by pickling, due to the immersive and therapeutic qualities of brine or vinegar. Submerged vegetables immersed suitably in sanitised solution may then go through anaerobic fermentation, which can cause, among other things, memory loss, wrinkly skin, leaky orifices, squishiness, or fading clarity of hue or even sensory perception, so you can see why this jar was a conceptually appropriate container to begin the project with and carry things forward into an altered future.

Over the course of the 10s and 20s, pickling, along with dry preservative processes like curing, grew from an outdated and untrendy practice to one propelled into mainstream popularity, first by doomsday preppers who desperately pickled anything they could find from fruit like grapes and apples to things like herring or chicken feet, plus of course eggs, and then picked up more widely by hobbyists and community organisations in a rate roughly proportional to the rise of general doomy sediment in the zeitgeist.

Before beginning, I ran a sanitisation program on the jar and lid that simulated the effect of an oven at low heat over several hours, which killed any bacteria living on the glass. Each plant and piece of moss picked to be included was similarly placed in quarantine for at least one full rotation, which meant being suspended in a bucket of water and left to soak, and me watching the stowaway bugs struggle out from their homes to tread water and slowly drown, their bodies still on the water’s mirror body, surface-floating silently like flotsam. It was sunny on that day, remarkably so, and ash from the moors floated into the city slowly on the morning. Reportedly, in a way not unlike hibernation as practiced by tardigrades or the more hardcore ascetic monks who would meditate so long they would undergo mummification whilst still alive, and whose bodies, especially in arid climates, might be preserved for hundreds of years, skin intact, moss without water dries out completely and enters a kind of stasis in which it is both not dead and not alive, but when soaked through can rehydrate and resume normal functioning, so to me, on that morning, as I watched the floating specimens turning from brown to green, from kindling to hairy kin, it felt as though, by my command, these ancient furs were resurrecting, and that this ancient life was flowing back into the world through some kind of portal, and that this process was somehow irreversible and immaculate and we’d all be better off for it, and maybe even that these miniature moss islands might change the world.

So, beginning with the ground, within the jar I set up, from bottom to top: a layer of decorative gravel-like objects, a thin circular slice of wire bug mesh, and simulated potting soil: the combination of which creates what the sages called a “false bottom”, whose purpose it seems is to fool the water into the creation of a miniature aquifer, in which the water can be held there below ground like as a reservoir or accessed by way of evaporation in contact with heat on the surface of the glass, a process of course which could not have happened in the real world, but one that is itself an approximation of something, I presume. Then came the plants, which I decided to keep minimal for my first foray, limited plainly to a small patch of star moss, another of sphagnum moss, one of a moss I still unfortunately have no name for but that I think may have been called “generic”, and a half-dead sprout of bitter cress, which I put right in the centre. You’ll want to have a desired scape in mind before you begin, so that in your planting the final composition is never forgotten and always considered. I finished off the set-up with a flake of bark on which had spread a thin crust of lichen the colour of dishwater, and a stone upon which had been indented the fossilised frame of an ammonite.

Around this time I began to have recurring dreams of a prehistoric place that was at once terribly alien and frighteningly familiar; not quite homely, but close. Every dream is the same dream. In it, I see a silent forest, hundreds of millions of years ago, before any kind of animal life. The land is thick with flora, though that is soon to change, in the grand scheme of things. Thick moss colonies sprout spore-spewing tendrils that fill the air with stars and hair. Damp leaves overlap, slap, and dribble down cracks in the underbrush. Enormous mushrooms fruit like curtains above the canopy and their thick mycorrhizal weaves matte together the whole cat's cradle by cotton and decay, for what goes up must come down and there is no life without death, like the chest I imagine as mine, in this dream, rising and falling under covers and the night wind through my window, which I imagine I feel on my cheek in the dream but not to the extent that it will wake me for how deeply I have slunk into slumber. I long for this. Sometimes, despite or perhaps even in spite of the chronological inaccuracies, in this dream world there’s a crab that comes scuttling out, solution dripping from pincers and legs. It’s a monstrous, wizened and knowing sort of beast, armoured like a bunker, and when I returned, to my surprise, the world in the pickle jar had actually flourished.

I mean… not immediately…. After the first misting I think it took a while for things to get going, especially because it seemed a worm had found its way into the soil, which I do admit I hadn’t properly quarantined due to laziness, and was not just causing trouble for the young plants who looked so delicious but also because it seemed so greedy for oxygen, which it sucked and did not share until it passed. Indeed, in the first few months, the jar seemed a humid and speckly jar of little progress, and each of the species kept to themselves, but at some point, regrettably unnoticed by me despite what I thought was a rigorous surveillance schedule, things changed, and now the unknown moss has grown tendrils around the inner surface of the jar, which seems eternally moist and softens light so the world inside looks misty and vague and out-of-reach like a real forest. Some tendrils even grow below the surface of the soil, stretching down so they may drink from the drops that slip between the gravel. The cress, too, came back big time and continues to dominate. Though it started from one individual stem and lonely leaf, it now bursts and spills from the ground, perpetually explosive, stems together like a fist and leaves reaching forth to feel the wetness of the jar, reclining a little when they get too tired of the heat. And… although maybe in the back of my brain I also felt as though because of the murdering slowness of the movement of plants and of course my lack of physical connection that all of this had basically happened outside my watch, or at least outside my mode of existence and methods of perception and understanding, and therefore probably meant little to me in a personal way, I felt that probably this must be a positive sign of progress and a reason to continue with the project, and that, yeah, this pretty much felt good.

To address the speed issue, I decided to construct the second vivarium as a primarily aquatic environment, I think in the hope that animal life might appear over time, perhaps from invisible eggs laid in the sand, and do such cinematic things as swimming, or such narrative things as killing or dying, or if not cinematic or narrative, at least these things might happen at a speed in which I could appreciate them.

[dorothydelgadillo]

7 Essential Content Marketing Apps & Tools I Can't Live Without for 2019

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and struggled to get out of bed for this first post-holiday morning back at work?

Don't get me wrong -- it's only been in recent years that I wake up each day feeling hashtag blessed about the fact that I get to do what I'm passionate about for a living alongside some of the smartest people I have ever known.

Still, I'm dragging this morning.

And my to do list is a mile long. 

Because, fun fact, pillar pages don't write themselves. Nor do whitepapers, blog articles, or case studies.

This surprises me, given how every other article I read recently has to do with the rise of Skynet as a reality; you'd think they'd have figured out how to do all of that by now, right?

Just kidding, I love robots -- from a distance. 

Plus, hyperbolic posturing about the robot apocalypse aside, there are a lot of ways technology and automation have already transformed the way I map out, write, and produce the content for a lot of our strategies. 

(And I'm not even counting HubSpot Marketing Hub.) 

Since neither content (or pimpin') is easy, I'm going to share the apps and tools I use every single day -- and consider indispensable -- to produce a good portion content you interact with on this website. 

App #1: GatherContent

If you've ever worked with me on a project, you know I live and die by GatherContent, a centralized content creation, production, and collaboration platform I can only assume was created by Zeus from on-high -- it is that magical.

I was first introduced to GatherContent years ago by Jessie-Lee Nichols (now IMPACT's Design Supervisor) when we were working on a website project together. 

I'm resistant to change -- especially when it comes to someone trying to "evolve" or "improve" my processes, but Jessie-Lee was persistent. 

"You'll spend less time chasing down approvals, trying to find drafts in Google Docs, and digging through your emails," she said, zeroing in on my biggest challenges. "Everything is one place, with real-time visibility into the status of every single piece of content in a project."

Lo and behold, she was right. Flash forward to now, there is no project I work on that doesn't leverage GatherContent.  

From within GatherContent, I can work with multiple collaborators, give access to my higher-ups so they can see the status of a project or single piece of content at any time -- whether it's 3 a.m. or 3 p.m., they don't need to email, call, or smoke signal me to find out the status or deadline of a piece of content.

For writers, I can leave comments and assign out changes. Additionally, either the writer or I can overwrite whatever content is there. There is a rollback feature that allows someone to see what changes have been made without whoever made the changes having to highlight them or call them out.

Finally, GatherContent keeps me sane. It isn't free -- although the pricing is very reasonable, especially if your a small business. (If you're an agency dealing with lots of clients or content production, you'll need to be smart about how many projects you set up.) 

But what it saves me in time, content project administration, and sanity makes it worth it to me. I'm infinitely more productive with it, and I would consider it the most important tool I use. 

I also can't even imagine managing all of the different projects I oversee without it. It's life-changing. 

Of course, if you're one of those folks who loves searching through endless Google Docs and emails, and spending more time calling and emailing about content projects instead of actually doing the work, you probably won't need it.

As I mentioned, GatherContent isn't free. It starts at $83 per month, with lots of options for organizations.

  App #2: Bear

I have a confession to make: I absolutely hated writing when I was younger.

In fact, one time when I was eighth grade, I turned in an essay where the last paragraph was the same sentence copied and pasted over and over again, just so I could meet the minimum word count requirement without having to put more effort into it. (My teacher didn’t appreciate my sense of humor.)

Obviously, I've come around since then.

But my change of heart only came about because eventually I realized that (a) I was good at writing, and (b) it wasn’t the act of writing I despised so much, but rather I hated the cluttered and distracting writing experience of Microsoft Word.

Enter stage left, Bear. 

Bear (available only for iPhone, iPad, and Mac) is an app that's all about empowering users to "write beautifully." And it does that so very well.

It's gotten to the point where everything I write -- IMPACT blogs, content projects for clients, freelance projects, etc. -- always passes through an initial rough drafting stage within Bear.  

In addition to comprehensive and lengthy content creation, Bear can also be used as an Evernote-esque notes application, making it quite versatile. 

Bear is free, but if you splurge on the paid version ($1.49 per month or $14.99 per year), you can enjoy custom themes, syncing across multiple devices, and exporting capabilities. 

App #2: Hemingway

Whether you’re a seasoned content creator or you’re a new kid on the inbound block, you undoubtedly know how hard it is to write and edit your own work -- and not just because you are too close to your writing to gauge its quality.

Thankfully, someone created Hemingway.

In addition to being one of my favorite authors -- as well as one of the best characters in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris -- Hemingway forces you to evaluate the readability of your work.

It tells you what grade level your work reads at, and it scans your work for sentence complexity, passive voice, and overuse of adverbs. 

While you have the option to write directly in the Hemingway app itself, I find these kinds of mark-ups to be very distracting while I am trying to form my ideas for the first time.

Instead, I usually type of my first draft in Bear and then copy it over to Hemingway, when I'm ready to switch my brain over to editing mode. (But how you choose to use this app is entirely up to you!)

You can use Hemingway for free through your web browser at www.hemingwayapp.com, or you can download the desktop version for $9.99.

App #3: Grammarly for Google Docs

OK, Grammarly isn't new, but you know what is? Grammarly for Google Docs. 

It's not a separate tool from standard Grammarly. It's just a new feature that is so freaking valuable, I have to call it out separately, on the off chance that those of you who are familiar with the product haven't heard about this.

For those unfamiliar with Grammarly, however, it is a standalone desktop and web app that also has a Google Chrome extension that scans your writing in various places across the web -- or as input by you -- and provides editorial suggestions.

It's not perfect, but it has saved my patootie more times than I care to admit; especially when I'm rushing through emails early in the morning. 

Unfortunately, as with any technology, there were a few blind spots for the tool -- places online where Grammarly could not go. The most annoying of which was Google Docs, one of the most widely-used content collaboration word processing apps out there.

Even though I spent the early part of this article swearing off Google Docs for GatherContent or Bear, I still use it a lot. 

For example, sometimes I want a word processing application where I can also fiddle around with images and more visual formatting that GatherContent and Bear purposefully avoid in their feature set. 

Finally, Grammarly made the announcement we've all been waiting for -- Grammarly for Google Docs was now in beta for those using the Google Chrome extension.

Please remember that no automated editorial assistant is infallible. Review every suggested edit; never blindly accept them all.

Grammarly is free, although I highly recommend the premium version, as it scans for more nuanced grammar issues that can substantively elevate the quality of your writing.

App #4: WordCountTools.com

One of the most game-changing editing lessons I have ever learned is not to edit for everything all at once. Rather, you should edit for style, grammar, and narrative progression separately, in individual editing phases.

That’s why after I put my work through the readability test of Hemingway, I drop my work into the text box on www.wordcounttools.com. 

Not only does this website tell you how many words your composition has overall, it also targets one of my biggest writing “quirks” -- redundancy.

(Seriously, I don’t know what my problem is, but I am incapable of going a single column, essay, or blog post without repeating certain words or phrases.)

Below the area where you paste copy, you’ll see a keyword density box, which counts how many times non-“grammar words” appear in your work.

I know, it seems almost stupidly simple.

But as someone who spends a good portion of my day editing the work of others, trust me when I say it’s likely that more than a few of you reading this post should also be using this tool.

App #5: Noisli

I used to spend so much time at work trying to find the perfect work playlist on Spotify to keep me on track. Music is supposed to help spark productivity and creativity, right?

Wrong. Well, for me, anyway.

I don’t know whether I’m defective or something, but most of the time I find myself distracted by music.

Either I get wrapped up in the song itself -- even if it’s only instrumental -- or, when one song ends, I don’t like what comes up next, so I break from my work to spend 20 minutes trying to curate a new ideal soundtrack.

Noisli is a stunning, minimalist (and free!) background noise generator. Or, as they like to say, Noisli is “your productivity companion.”

Even though there are multiple studies showing the positive effects of ambient noise on productivity, Noisli confused me when I took it for a test drive a couple years ago, during a particularly challenging copywriting project.

At first, listening to noise while working seemed… strange. Not to mention completely boring. Now? I’m a total convert, and it’s pretty much all I listen to when I’m trying to get sh*t done. 

With my free Noisli account, I’ve created and saved custom blends of sounds -- which you control using the soundboard shown on the left -- that can set the tone for my entire working day.

Sound options include rain, thunderstorm, wind, forest, leaves, water stream, seaside, water, bonfire, summer night, fan, train, coffee shop, white noise, pink noise, and brown noise.

As my Creator's Block co-host (and long-time work pal) Jessie-Lee knows, my favorite Noisli blend is one I call "rainy trainy." It’s a personalized symphony of thunder, rain, train, and fan sounds. There's also a splash of coffee shop, for good measure.

I created this soothing blend because I love traveling by train and have been doing so for years -- in my 20s, when I would travel home to Washington, D.C., while living in Boston, and now, when I travel to and from my home in Annapolis, Maryland, to IMPACT's home office in Connecticut. 

Fun fact: You can also share blends of sounds with other people.  

Noisli is available for free through the website. There is also a free Chrome extension and iOS app available for $1.99.

App #6: SEMrush Content Template

I learned about this gem when I was working with Franco Valentino of Narrative SEO on a comprehensive SEO analysis we published last year. Now, I don't leave home without it, so to speak -- especially when I'm crafting individual pillar strategies.

If you have SEMRush, simply click on “SEO Content Template” in the menu on the left near the bottom and enter the keyword you want to base a piece of content around. It will spit out recommendations on everything -- target length of your content, links and semantic keywords you should include, and much, much more.

It also has a rich-text editor, where you can test the content you're creating that targets a particular keyword string against the recommendations it provided:

SEMrush costs money, but it's worth the money. They also have a lot of different pricing plans, depending on the needs of your organization.

App #7: Evernote

Given how ubiquitous Evernote is, it almost feels like a copout to include this in my list. That said, I spent years not understanding how or why millions of people and scores of businesses trust the elephant-branded app, before it finally clicked for me last fall. 

Now, I'm an Evernote freak, too.

For the three of you who haven't heard of Evernote, it's a note-taking application you can download or use through the web. You can clip things from the web, create templates, scan and attach documents, and sync your notes across multiple devices (if you pay for the premium version).

I also love how I can easily share notes in my Evernote -- for example, a table of contents developed during a pillar strategy brainstorm. By clicking one or two buttons, I can share an accessible URL that stays updated if I make any changes to the document, instead of having to copy and paste the information into an email or a Google Doc.

But for me, it's application is simple.

I've created notebooks for my podcast, my pillar strategies, and general notes for content I'm working on. It's where I store all of the preparation notes for pillar strategy sessions, the questions I'm going to ask a Content Lab guest, and where I outline longform pieces. 

There isn't much to say about Evernote that hasn't already been said by somebody else. But what I will say is that so much of what I have gotten out of it only came about once I understood it was all about how I organized and setup my Evernote. 

If you're looking for a virtual notebook to help you make sense of all of the back and forth that shouldn't live in disparate emails or Google Docs, but also has no business living in something like GatherContent, I can't recommend Evernote more.

Evernote is free with premium and business options available.

The Best Writing Hack Is Honesty

Even though all four of these apps have revolutionized the way I think about and approach my work, the best piece of advice I can give you about how to boost your content creation capabilities is this:

Have an open and brutally honest discussion with yourself about what specifically you don’t like about the writing process.

No app or program can tell you what your problem is or fix a writing roadblock you can't identify; they can only help you once you have some idea of what pain point you’re trying to address.

The answers will vary drastically from person to person, as they should. For instance, while my struggles were rooted in distraction and focus, yours may be founded in writer’s block, which is an entirely different beast.

So, while I think each of you will like at least one of these apps, I hope you’ll also do yourselves a favor and figure out what part of your own personal writing process really needs improving.

from Web Developers World https://www.impactbnd.com/blog/content-marketing-apps-tools

[karasunovolleygays]

That doesn't disqualify you! I currently have an F in all of my classes. I mean, it's not because I'm not smart, but I seriously just can't do the work. I don't get distracted from it, but when I try to sit down and do it, it's like my brain is just going "no no no" over and over, and I just stop immediately because I can't. Do you ever experience anything like that? I don't know if that's my ADHD or something else, y'know?

God yes. This is my constant state of being going through life, and just so you know, it’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Just the constant stress of things needing done that you know perfectly well you can do, but just Starting It or even Thinking About It seem so daunting. It casts such a long shadow over everything you do to the point where it’s hard to enjoy things you love to do because sometimes, you can’t even manage to do that. Then getting overwhelmed by being so easily overwhelmed is another layer of sludge over your already taxed willpower.

For instance, take writing as an example. When my ADHD is in a chill stage, I can sit down and laser focus on writing for hours and hours, putting put 10-15k worth of writing in eight hours or less. That’s actually one of the perks of the type of ADHD I have*. (*assuming my self diagnosis according to studies and questionnaires is correct)

But then Something throws everything off. A change of schedule, an unexpected task of the most mundane sort, and it all falls apart. I rapidly become incapable of anything more than the barest necessities because I’m too bored to get out of my chair or off the couch. Too bored to eat. Too bored to sleep. Too bored to enjoy things I know in my mind give me pleasure (tv, movies, writing, reading, drawing, listening to music, hanging out with friends, sexytime stuff…stuff like that I usually embrace). Too bored to go to work (that has happened to me before and it Sucks).

The worst part about these types of mood swings is how stupid and worthless they make me feel sometimes, especially since I also have depression and anxiety (those ARE diagnosed). I don’t know if it’s something you struggle with, as well, but it’s a cocktail of Can’t Do Anything, Worrying About It, and Hating Myself For It.

In short, I’m not a professional, but if you see adhd symptom posts and identify with even a couple of those factors, it’s worth getting checked out because you more than likely do. About 4% of all American adults have it, after all. I’d dig more for a comprehensive study in multiple nationalities, but the ultimate irony is that my brain got bored and itchy doing the search. >.>

Choose your medical professionals wisely because not all of them are qualified to help you through it, yet they still carry the power to send you down an even worse path with incorrect diagnosis or the wrong meds. If a visit to a professional isn’t in the cards for you for whatever reason, there are things you can do. 

Talk to the people around you and let them know that you have a problem and what it looks like/feels like when this problem surfaces. Teach them to recognize the signs so they understand why you are the way you are when your ADHD takes over. I had a VERY awkward conversation with my boss one day, explaining why I miss so many days of work and why I act the way I do sometimes. It was not the best day of my life, but it was a relief because I didn’t have to worry about hiding it so I could focus on working through it.

Know your limits! If you’re in an upswing and feel like you could punch a comet, try to make sure you don’t pile obligations onto your future self which might not have the same drive or stamina to keep up with all of that stuff. Think carefully before signing up for long-term obligations, and if it becomes too much and it’s something you can pull out of without negative repercussions, learn how to let yourself do that, too.

Lastly, give yourself a break. Does being too bored to do anything but veg make you feel like a lazy piece of crap? Well, screw that. It isn’t your fault, and feeling guilty for something that you can’t help will do precisely 0% to improve your cause. Just do what you need to do to get through downswings and make sure you don’t go off to too many races when things are peaking for you. 

I hope this helps. I’ve had my own fair share of troubles dealing with my* ADHD, and if any of my experiences can help you, then chalk it up as time well spent. Sorry about the wall of text, because those are daunting for me, at least. But if anything here helps you (or anybody), then it was time well spent.

#Anonymous #long post #adhd #okay to comment/reblog

[terrariumfiction]

writing progress

Here is where the writing is at atm. The narrator is emerging as a character from the distant future, who is preparing a presentation for some kind of assignment about ecological resilience and human failure. I'm finding it useful to refer to this project in a 4th wall breaking way, that allows me to both be sincere with my own reflections and feelings, whilst also distancing the work that it may allow for discomfort, humour, or poetic space.

---

(chuckles nervously) Uh…. Well, this is a very roundabout way of describing something close to the feeling, but…. The story goes that everyone was totally convinced their computers would break, in the same way as like, preppers, who predict or fear the sudden switching of the earth’s poles, or like an EMP from the sun, and that everything electronic or magnetic would be fried or confused unless suspended in a Faraway Cage, by being overwhelmed past and pushed beyond physical limits by physical properties or by a simple statement that previously held true, but no longer does.… Like, I guess to humans gazing speculatively ahead, the leap from 1999 to 2000 felt like a way bigger thing than just a 1, like, because they have no physicality and exist instead as shadows on interior horizons, not all 1s are the same size, or carry with them the same weight. The weirdest thing I always thought though was that that particular paranoia never crept back, or was contemplated again seriously in the years that followed….

But anyway… yeah… like, it’s a mental challenge, I found, and continue to find, maybe too abstract or exhausting to connect with, fully, in a meaningful way that recreates what we know of interior human sensations like “connectivity”, “dread”, “optimism”, or “regret” for rigorous indoor study…. And I don’t mean to say I have troubles with empathy. My ex described me as an empath all the time. Like, sure, I think that was mostly as a sort of private joke because one time this fluid dribbled from my eye when we were watching the doc Reanimated Skins: Baby Actors of The Early 2000s. But also, at school we learned about all varieties of actors and their lifecycles, and there’s functional reasons for that sort of wet reaction in others, especially towards particularly small or fluffy ones, and I don’t know if that’s the same thing as empathy, it’s closer to what I understand as “pity” or “love”, like, the desire to care for another being, like, to scry isn’t just to show weakness, as it was thought. Sometimes, like when I’m oshmoshing before bed, I try to imagine what it must have been like… the world at that stage full of all these different actors; imagine them as they were in all their diversity and in all their spread across the globe, in all different forms of network and vibration… eating, sleeping, drinking, dreaming and with all different forms of concealment, from fur to scales to glass…. It’s like being asked to sing along to a song you’ve never heard before. It’s impossible. Frantic alignment.

And I’m not usually one for extra work, like usually I’m more lazy than I think God intended or would find acceptable, but this mental plane I was bumping into when trying to reach understanding was really crystallising and seemed unbreakable, like, as an excuse “I feel psychologically incapable of imagining a world like this” is just an admittance of failure, but… I mean, that would be the biggest failure of all, wouldn’t it? Beyond just a grade or having to retake the class, like that would be me admitting something seriously spiritually or even biologically wrong with me and the way I perceive the world throughout time and how I interact with others… repeating a mistake like that… so I knew I had to do something.

So, firstly, obviously, hi :) hi, hello and thanks for tuning into my tornado wall of text cloud of grave portent and joining me for an offline presentation recounting this past orbit as seen by me through glass into ecosystems of varying success and strong simulated experiences of emotions, and the findings that followed and reflections on systems of knowing and sustainability. If you too find this project to be a great way of entertaining children during lockdown or as a way of deepening notions of oneness and internal regulation of gases needed to stabilise an atmosphere, beyond which shows to have been a popular scientific theory of the time, or at least optimistic experiment, consider leaving a like or comment. Every specimen I’ll be discussing can be replicated simply at home, with very few steps or ingredients, to synthesise nature and natural ecosystems within safe environments, for the planning of the future, and the identification of unspeakable turning points that feel far more than just another snowball movement into tomorrow.

….

So, right, I want to clarify that I never do psychedelics, and that any diffuse thinking I exhibit from this point comes from dreams or YouTube videos or the time I spent dating an AI modelled after a fortune teller, which is altogether another tragicomic story with just as many if not many more moments of pathos and epiphany. In fact, YouTube videos were really the centre of this tornado, these tornados, in a personal tornado as both my partner and I love to watch these things together to relax or hallucinate, but also in a conceptual tornado as the central marker of what point in time this knowledge comes from, which was the raw-ringed 20s, right, amid that period of migration and disease, and this sudden desire to bring the “Great Outdoors” in, like taxidermy, and as everything was dying and everyone’s minds melted unable to cope, hobbyists not scientists were the ones to begin inventing ways of sending life into the future. A time capsule under concrete is just a tomb, let’s say, but if instead you filled a container with life and interlocking systems instead of magnetic recordings and rude drawings of your history teacher… what would happen then?

Well, that very thing, right, is casually or colloquially called an ecosphere, at least on YouTube. You might have heard of a terrarium? Which describes an ecosystem of plants and soil within a sealable glass container.

----

here is a rough plan of where I see this piece of writing going and the overall structure I want it to have. Although it's very wordy and long I do hope my fast delivery will get it down to a short enough length.

description of finding ecosphere videos on youtube

what it’s like to watch … feeling wonder toward the way nature keeps itself going… wonder at all the creatures, described weirdly

would it feel similar to conduct that experiment myself? why do I feel more from the cinematic experience of watching than the physical experience of doing?

all these experiments are done virtually, that’s established, but they’re then described very physically as if real

first terrarium. pickling, preserving, prepping. flourishes - feel good!

dream of a prehistoric forest

pond system. solutions. found pieces of rubik’s cube. some sci fi description of plastic rocks. leeches! they’re huge like leviathan and nightmarish

the world is ending, everything is ending. the narration almost starts to detach from the speaker and becomes more objective and descriptive, describing the end of the world

back into body, the making of the third terrarium in the dome, applying ideas and thinking forwards. bind it with galactic tape, it flourishes for a while and the crystal ball is the glowing, humid centre

pestilence! daddy long legs, spider and rot. everything is dead and decaying suddenly. the time capsule now holds ghosts and warnings

if nature’s core principle is to continue, why did humans want to kill and die? what even happened back then? and why at my hand does nature yield nothing but grief? was it my fault? am I incompatible?