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#sometimes I think about sam too and it hurts me obviously because I watched my comfort character live out a sad lonely life with Blurry Wife
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If you are a Jared or Sam fan please don’t read this. If you are a Jared or Sam fan and you leave a comment I will block you without reading it so don’t bother. The end of season 6 (ep 20, 21 and 22) seems like a turning point for Destiel to me. Maybe I’ve read too many gay fan fics but it just seems like their relationship changed in these eps. Like before this point they obviously had feelings for each other but they both thought it was a crush and they both thought it would go away. Then in these eps it feels like because of the storyline they both kinda accepted their own feeling but too afraid to say anything.
In The Man Who Would Be King (think that’s right) from the very beginning of the ep there was a difference in the boys.
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They were lying to each other and couldn’t even look each other in the eyes.
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It looked like it was physically hurting Dean to lie to Cas and to even think that Cas was lying to him. He’s been lied to before usually by Sam and he gets pissed off but this isn’t a hurt by your brother look.
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If Cas is just a friend to both Dean and Sam why is it that Sam had no problem believing Cas could lie to them and go behind their backs (that to me isn’t even friend behaviour) yet Dean defended Cas. I find it funny that Cas and Dean think they are hiding their feelings yet Bobby and Sam had to question Dean to find out what he said to Cas so obviously they know what affect they have on each other and that it’s not just friendship.
“You’re distracted.” “I’m holding up my end.” “Yes but what else are you holding up. The stench of that impala is all over your over coat angel.” So Crowley thinks Cas and Dean are haveing sex in the car by the sounds of it. I just found this funny considering only a few eps before the angel told Dean Cas was in love with him.
The fact that Cas was loosing his mind yet he still had to protect Dean and yet again he protected Dean first before Bobby and Sam and there was a small pause before he said “my friend.” It was like he wasn’t sure what to call Dean. Even at the end when Dean called Cas his family I think it surprised him. As soon as Dean said family Cas looked shocked. I think sometimes in the season he thought Dean just called him because he needed help not for any other reason and then knowing Dean thinks of him as family really surprised him. I know Dean said Cas was like a brother to him but I think he just didn’t know how to express his feeling without actually saying the truth and that was the easiest thing to say.
The moment tho that for me it all changed was when Cas was in the oil fire. Dean told Cas to look his in the eyes. It sounded like I know Bobby and Sam are here too but how could you do this to me. I’m different from them.
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They both looked like they were trying not to cry. Both their eyes were glassy. Even Dean looking back at Cas before he left was emotional. He didn’t want to leave Cas in that fire. That whole scene to me was them admitting the truth to themselves.
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In ep 21 I can’t believe how emotional this scene was. Like all Dean said was that Cas and Crowley can kiss his ass. Cas looks so hurt and scared and Dean has to actually put his hand up to his mouth to stop from crying.
I find it interesting that this is when they choose to get Lisa and Ben out of Deans life. I’m happy that they finally did it but it’s just interesting timeing. They could’ve done it at any point but no they chose to do it during this very Destiel episode.
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I’ve heard that whenever Cas dies (which I’ve also heard is quite a few times) Dean gets depressed and suicidal. I guess in The New Boss was the beginning of it. I’m pretty sure drinking that much alcohol and watching Asian cartoon porn is considered depressed.
When Cas went to the church and the homophobic priest was trying to tell the people how god hates gay people and Cas says “your wrong. I’m utterly indifferent to sexual orientation.” They didn’t have to have the priest talk about gay people but they did. Then Cas confirming his opinion on it.
Then when they were trying to get death to kill Cas (I’m not convinced Dean would’ve let him actually do that) when death said there was more then just souls in Cas Dean looks worried for Cas. If he was willing to let death kill him he wouldn’t have been so worried.
Every time in these eps that Cas came it was always to talk to Dean never to talk to Sam. He didn’t care what Sam thought he just wanted Dean to understand what he was doing. Even when he thought he was going to die he was trying to make up with Dean. Bobby was in the room and Sam was in the building but it was Dean he wanted to make up with and it was Dean he said he was going to redeem himself to. He f*cked over a lot of people but he didn’t say I’m going to redeem myself to everyone or even you guys (as in Dean, Bobby and Sam). It was just Dean.
Last thing I think this was the first time I ever seen Dean choosing to save someone other than Sam first. When Dean went to get Sam and seen the jar of blood on the floor he had no idea what happened to Sam. Any other time he would’ve went back to Bobby with the blood and told Bobby to handle it so he could go find Sam but this time he chose to stay and save Cas. Even when those monsters took over Cas body Dean told Bobby to go get Sam. By the sounds of it he is starting to put Cas ahead of Sam. I like that.
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lexosaurus · 8 months
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Keep Your Enemies Closer
A little Tech Hunter AU oneshot I wrote for DP Angstfest 2023! I based this off of @kinglazrus' AU fic for the @dpauzine in which Tucker is the Red Hunter. It's been stuck in my brain ever since, so I couldn't resist writing her AU for this event!
[ao3]
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
That's what people always said, anyway. It's what actors spouted in Hollywood blockbusters as their characters sipped their old fashioned in the dimly lit bar. It's what people typed in their chat logs online, thinking of themselves as high and mighty, very cool, not to be messed with, while they cracked open their fifth serving-sized bag of Doritos that day.
But this wasn't a Hollywood blockbuster. It wasn't Tucker talking up himself to random usernames online.
As he looked at Danny, who was animatedly chatting to Sam about some recently released video game that Tucker couldn’t pretend to care about anymore, he knew that this wasn't just a cool verse. It was real, at least to him. 
“The final boss was way too easy,” Sam was saying. “It's like the devs weren't even trying.”
“I beat it in like five seconds flat,” Danny agreed.
“Yeah, because you exploited the armor glitch,” Sam said. “If you played the game like it was supposed to be played, the final boss would have taken at least a little longer.”
Danny tsked his tongue. “It’s not my fault that I’m obviously just one step ahead of the devs. And you, actually.”
“Come on,” Sam laughed, catching onto the mood. “Stop messing with me.”
Danny grinned back at her, his fangs poking out over his lips. “Samantha Manson, when have I ever messed with you?”
Tucker ducked his head before his face could show. Though, each day that passed seemed to allow that quiet mask to slip over his face far more easily than the day before. And he wasn't even talking about the little yellow mask that lived under his skin.
He remembered the day he'd pieced it all together. The day all the lies, all the little breadcrumb clues, suddenly snapped into place.
He'd been home, as usual, watching videos of the rapidly increasing ghost attacks targeting the city. And of course, at the epicenter of it all was Phantom.
Danny fucking Phantom.
He remembered Danny calling him, his face popping up on Tucker’s home screen, and Tucker pausing the video and holding up his phone to see the two faces side by side. The same smile, the same freckles, the same jaw and haircut and they were the same. 
He couldn’t believe it. But…it made sense. And maybe that was the worst part because it meant that his friend, his best friend, was dead. And worse, he’d turned into a monster. 
But when? When had he died? Was it that “accident” that he sometimes referenced? The day he’d gotten hurt by some of his parents’ equipment?
It didn’t matter. Because now, he was Phantom. But how was he Phantom? The ghost that Tucker loathed. The ghost that Tucker had long since blamed for turning their safe city into a fucking warzone.
How did his best friend turn into…that? Was death really so horrible that it completely changed a person? 
Or was this always inside Danny, deep down in the recess of his subconscious? So deep, so hidden, that Tucker had never noticed till now.
Some people saw Phantom as a hero, and he seemed to revel in it. His cockiness was overflowing, and he took great pride in arriving at every scene precisely when the new ghost of the week would show up. He'd throw a few puns, assure the crowd that, “Don't worry, citizens! I've got this!”, and then he'd beat the ghost up, suck them in his thermos, and would disappear until the next attack.
Phantom had fooled many of the masses. But despite what Dash's stupid nicknames would suggest, Tucker was no sucker. Even if everyone else had their heads up their ass, he didn't.
Tucker didn’t do anything at first. Maybe he’d just been in too deep of a denial. After all, who wanted to pin the destruction of their city on their fucking best friend? 
But then, he started paying attention. To Danny, the “human,” more. All his little quirks, his habits. The way he seemed to jump when Sam casually put a hand on his shoulder (he’d never used to do that), the way his teeth started to sharpen (humans don’t have fangs), the way his eyes would spark green sometimes (it wasn’t a trick of the light), or how he’d always disappear right before a ghost attack (almost like he knew they were coming).
But Tucker stayed silent. Because if Danny was Phantom, then Danny was dangerous. Who knew what Phantom would do if Tucker revealed that he knew? No, it was better to stay docile, not rock the boat, not put his life at risk. Just play it cool.
That plan only worked for so long.
The breaking point wasn’t an explosion of flashy lights so much as it was a seed, planted, but not yet even watered. It was Tucker booting up his virtual computer and opening Tor after school like any other day. 
The usual usernames were chatting in his group. People working on their various projects, coming to the chat room for tips or just talking about whatever other topic was on their mind. This was typical—welcome, even—after the confusing mess that had been Tucker’s every other waking moment as of late.
And then the conversation took a turn. 
To Phantom.
Sporksmith: I haven't wrapped my head around whether Phantom is a good guy or not. ChaseK: It's sus that as soon as the ghosts started showing up, so did he. Sporksmith: That's what I'm thinking, but the guy takes so many beatings a week. I feel like it's more likely that he's crawling out of the same dimensional holes that they are because the dude has family here or something. Mole: That's probably it. He uses modern slang, so it's pretty obvious he died recently.
This wasn’t the first time they’d talked about Phantom. He was a fascinating subject and under much national scrutiny. But this time, Tucker finally stepped in.
GoldenFryer: You guys don't know what you're talking about. ChaseK: You know something then? GoldenFryer: Yeah, I have some inside info. Can't say much, but Phantom isn't who he seems. He's dangerous. Sporksmith: You sound like a guy who's got something up his sleeve.
He hadn't, at that point. But still, it needled his mind. He was closest to Phantom, wasn't he? Even if Danny himself didn't know. Of everyone, wasn't it Tucker’s responsibility to do something about this?
To set the soul of his dead best friend free?
GoldenFryer: Not yet, but maybe I should.
Of course, he couldn't do it by himself, but there was someone who could help. Someone with money, power, and a vocal hatred for ghostly invaders.
“Tucker Foley,” Vladimir Masters said, opening his door. His hair was pulled back in his signature ponytail, and he wore a gaudy green Packers bathrobe. “You’re awake early on a Saturday for a teenager. My, where's your other half?”
“No Danny today. Just me,” he said, keeping his tone casual despite the sudden anxiety spike in his gut.
Vlad grinned and stepped aside, sweeping his arm over the now open doorway. “Excellent, why don't you come in?”
Tucker followed the gesture and stepped through the door, trying to ignore the guilt that was clawing at him. Danny always talked about how much he hated Vlad, and how creepy the guy was. And while Tucker agreed that Vlad was more than a little slimy, Vlad was a businessman, and more importantly, a billionaire. Being slimy kinda came with the territory.
And besides, Vlad had only moved into the town a year ago, after Danny had already turned into Phantom. So, it wasn't Danny who hated Vlad, not really.
“Come, make yourself comfortable. You're a bit too young for me to offer you a drink, but maybe some water, perhaps?”
“I'm fine,” Tucker said. His voice echoed around the empty house.
“Then sit.” Vlad pulled out a seat at the bar. “I just brewed myself a pot of tea. Maybe you'd care for some of that?”
“No thanks,” Tucker said, his voice jilted as he forcefully remembered his manners. Even if it was Phantom who hated Vlad, Tucker wasn't too keen on being behind closed doors with the man any longer than necessary either. 
Vlad paid him no mind, of course, and poured his tea into a fancy china cup. He brought the cup up to his nose, sniffed, and then smiled, setting it down on a small plate on the counter and settling into a seat for himself. “So,” he started, clasping his hands together. “What do I owe the pleasure of seeing you on this fine day?”
Tucker blew a breath out, trying to expel the mounting anxiety in his system. “Okay, I realize what I'm about to say sounds absolutely insane. I get that, but I just need you to let me explain.”
That slimy smirk was back on Vlad's lips. “Oh? Do tell.”
“Okay.” Tucker wrung his hands in his lap. “Okay, just—just hear me out. Trust me, nobody wants to say this less than me.”
“But of course, my dear boy.”
Tucker exhaled one last time and then began. “So, I know who Phantom is. You know, the ghost? I—he's disguising himself as a teenager, and I know who it is.”
“Oh, really? My, that doesn't sound good.”
“It's not.” Tucker closed his eyes, covering his forehead with his hand. “It's the worst, really. Because the person that Phantom is pretending to be—and I know, I know, just let me explain—but it's Danny. Danny Fenton.”
Tucker peeked through his hand to see the smile on Vlad's lips widen. 
“Daniel Fenton, my godson, you mean?” Vlad said. “That's quite the accusation.”
“I know it is. Trust me,” Tucker said. “But—okay, so basically, I think what happened was that Danny was in some sort of lab accident, and it killed him. He talks about it sometimes, but he doesn't give any details. But I'm pretty sure that was it. Because only like a month after that happened, all the ghosts started appearing. And Phantom too. I—uh, here. Hang on, let me show you...” Tucker leaned over and pulled his tablet from his backpack. He opened it and went to his files, opening a pdf of his comparison photos. He handed the tablet to Vlad, saying, “This is them side by side in different positions. You can really see it there, when the photos are lined up like this. They look exactly the same. But that's not all! Obviously.”
“Obviously,” Vlad said, swiping through the pdf.
“Look, I don't really know how to explain it, but Danny's just...he's different now. He disappears before ghosts attack, he comes back all beat and sometimes bloody. He's cold, way colder than normal, and sometimes I see him—when someone's annoying him or if he's pissed—where it's almost like...like he can't even contain his human form anymore. His eyes get green, and sometimes ectoplasm sparks in his palms. It's not human.”
“And you see this as...a problem?” Vlad looked up from the tablet. “If Daniel was Phantom?”
“Why wouldn't it be? Don't you have this whole initiative to get rid of ghosts?” Tucker argued.
If anything, that seemed to amuse Vlad more. He set the tablet down and said, “But of course, I wasn't insinuating anything. I merely just acknowledge that Daniel is your best friend and that most of you youths enjoy Phantom's presence in this city.”
“Only the blind ones do. I know better. Phantom is bringing the ghosts into this town. Mr. Masters, you know how all ghosts have Obsessions?”
“Yes, I am aware.”
“Well, Phantom’s Obsession is being a hero, right? What's more heroic than setting up a bunch of ghost fights to 'save' people from?”
Vlad's smile was almost impossibly wide now. “Yes, I understand.”
Something was amusing to that billionaire creep, but Tucker hardly had time to figure out what before Vlad was up out of his seat, pacing around his kitchen.
“You see, I already know all this. You understand, I'm the one funding this city's anti-ghost initiative. And I also know that young Daniel is Phantom.”
Tucker's jaw dropped. “You do?”
“But of course, I do!” Vlad pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped on it for a minute before passing it off to Tucker. In an encrypted app that Tucker didn't recognize was a video. 
“Well, go on,” Vlad said.
Tucker pressed play on the video to see a dimly lit alley with Phantom standing at the end of it. He glanced around, and then white rings appeared, passing over his body. A white T-shirt and jeans replaced a black suit, and black hair replaced white hair.
The rings disappeared, and the person that remained was none other than Danny Fenton.
Tucker blinked, and his head snapped out of the memory. His eyes refocused, and Danny Fenton sat in front of him, still talking to Sam, his posture still far too easygoing for someone who wasn't even human.
His human form was impressively detailed. His unruly black hair, dash of freckles on his cheeks, blue eyes, and pointed nose—all signature traits of Danny. He had gotten it almost perfect.
Almost. 
It made Tucker's blood boil, and he struggled to push it down, keep it in check. Ghosts could feel intense emotions.
The calm mask slipped over him once more, and Tucker was empty. Just empty.
Just how, when he stared into Danny's eyes, he could see that same emptiness too. There was no humanity left. No, that'd died almost two years ago now. All that remained was a ghost. 
He wanted his friend back. But that was impossible. The only thing that he could do now was wipe all ghosts out so no one ever suffered the way Tucker was right now.
He was a hacker, so once he got the tech, programming it was a piece of cake. Okay, so maybe it was a little bit harder than that, but he was nothing if not determined.
And he was nothing if not a damn good programmer.
And now he had the power to fix this, end the ghostly invasion in Amity, end Phantom's terrorizing reign, and set his former friend free.
“What do you think, Tuck?” Danny turned to face Tucker.
“Huh?” Tucker grunted, his elbow nearly slipping from his desk. “Sorry, what are we talking about?”
Sam rolled her eyes. “Jeez, you really have been spacey today. Sleep well last night?”
No, he hadn't, actually. Because Phantom had set up another attack at 2 a.m. and so Tucker had to intervene.
Danny was wearing long sleeves today. Good. It meant that Tucker's shot really had nailed his bicep.
“No, sorry,” Tucker chuckled. “Was rushing to get Lancer's essay done. I can't work on it this weekend; my cousins are coming to town.”
“Again?” Sam asked.
No, they weren't. Tucker hadn't seen his cousins since Christmas. 
“Yeah, my aunt and my mom are in this whole midlife crisis thing right now. Want to make sure we all bond properly or something.” Tucker waved his hand haphazardly. “You know how moms are.”
That was the perfect trigger for Sam, who huffed expectantly. “Oh yeah, don't even get me started. My mom is still trying to make me bond with Kate. Kate's two years older than me and was the head of her cheer team. Like, hello? You can only imagine what her playlists are like.”
“You should blast some death metal next time,” Danny said.
“Trust me, I have. It's the only way to get her to shut up.”
“Must not be death enough.” Danny flashed his teeth in a mischievous smile. “I’m sure I can help put together a playlist if you want.”
That cocky motherfucker…
Did he enjoy gloating over everyone? Did he really laugh at them when he was alone, all the stupid, idiotic, airhead humans who he thought didn’t notice anything?
Squashing his emotions was suddenly too difficult, and just before the internal tea kettle was able to whistle, Tucker was saved by the bell.
Oh, thank god.
Tucker was out of his seat before anyone else, scooping his notebook from his desk, throwing his bag over his shoulder, and racing out the door before Sam or Danny could catch up.
Still, when against his better conscience he glanced over to his friends, he didn’t miss the subtle look Danny gave him or the green glint in the corner of his eye…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
If only it was easy.
****
[read more of my work]
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Unlucky Day
SDV
Sebastian x Fem! Reader
CW: mild gore, near death experience,
This is fluff. Sweet moment between you and Sebby! I hope you enjoy.
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You were doing some rounds in the mines, the TV said your luck was a little extra today so you figured to make the most of it with trying to get to the bottom of the mines. You were prepped and were doing pretty well! No infested floors and you found some ladders without having to break any stones. Nothing beats that type of trip. Though your mind was a little preoccupied, your friends Sam, Abigail and Sebastian asked if you could take them with you into the mines sometimes and you refused. Sam wasn’t too bent out of shape and Abi pouted but that was about it other than some prying and pushing with failures, but the worst one to react was Sebastian, after you explained you couldn’t protect them as well as you wanted to if they came, Sebastian seemed offended that you didn’t think he could handle himself, you knew he was upset because he went quiet, yes he was naturally quiet but this was a different quiet, he hardly replied to you afterwards. You hadn’t seen them since that conversation 2 days ago. You wanted to be better to ensure their safety. His safety. It wasn’t hard to notice your crush on Sebastian, though you didn’t want to admit your feelings for the pale skinned, dark haired man. You hardly hung out with him alone, he was usually locked up in his room and you didn’t want to bother him while he was working so you just never really got around to visiting often.
You were on floor 30 without much of a struggle, taking your time, getting ores and stone etcetera, though you could tell that this floor you just arrived at was infested, the aura in the area was a dead giveaway and you ran to the middle of the room to prepare yourself to fight the mob. You were slayin (yes slay bih) left and right, collecting slimes and bat wings and whatever other drops you obtained from your slain enemies. You thought you were done but the aura still hadn’t dissipated. You were so confused, starting to look for the way out until you heard a hushed voice behind you, as you snapped your gaze behind you, you saw a stray slime hopping towards you, with each motion ending in a sloshed and wet slap onto the ground, you stood your ground and held your sword in hand, waiting for the stupid slime to close the distance and come to its own demise, but it turned slightly and went towards a stone…? Confused you watched and you heard that voice again. “Fuckin’ hell-“ it clicked, someone followed you inside. Being surrounded by tons of enemies must’ve muted whatever sounds this person made, you hoped to whatever god they were okay.
You ran and jumped over the large stone and hit the slime, one hit killing it. Swift and painless. You wipe some of the slime that got onto you and turned around. “Are you oka- OH MY GOD.” You saw a bloodied Sebastian, he seemed to have a head injury, you saw blood running down his face and he was obviously in pain. “SEBASTIAN!” You knelt down and pulled out some first aid and a health elixir. “Here here, drink this I have more don’t worry.” You were stressed and worried. The aura in the room finally disappeared so you knew you had cleared it. You began to start ranting to this poor man. “Damnit why did you follow me?! I told you I couldn’t protect you! Now you got hurt because you snuck in! I don’t know how I didn’t notice, I’m so sorry” you rambled and rambled and he looked up at you, pained. “No I’m sorry Y/n, I was stubborn and got myself hurt on my own, a slime fucking tripped me and that’s all this is.. I think I twisted my ankle. Keep the drink thing.” He handed you the elixir back and pushed you away a bit.
“Sebastian..” he held his hand up to stop you from continuing to talk. “No. Don’t. My ego was hurt that you thought I couldn’t handle myself, I’ve been here before but never passed the first floor. I just… I’m sorry to make you worry. I’m fine really.” You shook your head and sighed. “Whatever. Let’s just get you out of here… it’s getting late anyways.” You drape his arm over your shoulder and counting him down you both stand, having him put some of his weight on you. “I’m stronger than you think Seb, lean on me more.” You wrap your free arm around his waist and hold him close for stability and so he wouldn’t have to use his bad ankle as much. Sebastian has a dust of pink on his face, not hard to notice due into his pale skin, his beautiful pale skin, okay not the time to daydream about your little gamer boy. He was injured and needed to get the hell out of there. “Are you getting a fever??” You asked, concerned about his sudden heat in his face. “N-No! I’m fine. Just, Yaknow. In pain is all.” He was lying, you being so close to him, your body pressed against him, your breasts were so soft on his side and your hand gently holding him in place, you were sweaty and he normally hates the smell of body odor but he didn’t mind yours at all, he enjoyed it. He’s never been this close to you.
After struggling to get into the elevator you press the top floor’s button and wait for it to start moving. You sigh as you both lean on the back of the elevator wall, watching as the floors pass by. You glance over at Sebastian who looks like he’s about to fall asleep, was it that late? “Sebastian?” You call out a little, he looks over at you with his eyes, they’re half shut, he calls you out in a breathy daze. He was starting to get heavier. “Seb-Sebastian!” You call out louder as his body slowly slides down the wall onto the floor, you gasp and immediately start looking for other wounds, you lift up his baggy hoodie to reveal a gash on his side opposite from where you’ve been, you shouldn’t have taken his word earlier, you should’ve checked. “Fuck!” You mutter to yourself as you pull out the elixir from earlier and try to pour it in his mouth, it was proving difficult due to him almost being unconscious.
“Shit shit shit! Sebastian stay with me!” You were strong but not strong enough to carry him all the way to Harvey, and he’s long closed by now so getting in touch with him would take too long. You pour the elixir in your mouth and don’t swallow, using your mouth as a carrier to him. You weren’t even thinking about you basically kissing the man, as your lips interlocked you poured the liquid into his mouth, making sure he swallowed it. As you waited for the elixir to do its magic you ripped off your flannel and bundled it up to soak up the blood that was leaving his body. Tear filling your eyes, your voice breaking. “Sebastian please be ok, please God be okay!” You had long arrived to the top floor but you didn’t care, you couldn’t do anything but drag the man and that would make things much worse you’re sure.
You start sobbing as you see the unmoving, barely breathing Sebastian lay before you, hardly being able to bare the sight of it, you heard your heart shatter, thinking this was gonna be the last time you see him. You think nothing but the worst and you clutch his hoodie and put your head on his chest, heaving and sobbing your poor little eyes out. I mean wailing. You hadn’t cried like this in a long time, not even for your Grandfather. “Sebastian I am so so so sorry… please don’t die… I love you please don’t die…”
Your confession not phasing you, needing to say it. He had to know if he was gonna die. “Please don’t leave me alone here…” he croaked and you felt you body getting weaker as time went on. His breathing was light and weak, you weren’t leaving him, not now.
What felt like hours had passed, his breathing barely there, you tried another elixir to see if he could wake up but you almost ran out of willpower. Until you felt him move, it was small but it was a movement. “Sebastian??” You called out softly, your heart swelling with hope.
“Y-y/n?” He whispered out, opening his eyes and trying to move, immediately stopping and regretting his choice. “Ow- fuckin hell-“ you gasped and wrapped your arms around his neck, sobbing all over again, your face red and puffy already. “Sebastian I thought you died!!” You cried out, not letting go. He lets out a soft groan of pain as you basically attack this wounded man.
“Ah- Y/n. Hey. Calm down I’m here I’m here.” He spoke softly and let out a chuckle, followed by another soft groan of pain. During all this he somehow sat up on the wall, you still hugging his torso, refusing to let any form of space come between you, crying your heart out. Sebastian stroked your hair and gave you soft shh sounds, “I’m okay! It’s alright.” He pulled you away softly and cupped you cheek, having you look at him. Gosh even through your tears you were pretty. “I’m here. With you.” He whispered and pulled you close into a kiss, it was sweet and soft and quick. You finally caught your breath, more like you choked on air. Shocked he just did that.
“I love you too.” He grinned, you felt even more tears streaming down your face as he said those special words. “You.. you heard me?” He nodded. “I also felt both times you gave me that elixir stuff. It’s not tasty.” Your face turned a shade a red you never thought was possible. “I- I had to!” You began to defend as he smiled knowingly all to well you did that for his well-being. He winced once again in pain and sighed. “Can we, get out of here? I can hobble with your help I’m sure. I’ll just be sore.” You nod and help him up and make your way back to his house, it was closer than yours so it was your default.
Unfortunately Robin is pretty adamant on locking her doors at 8 o’clock sharp every night and just his luck he left his keys in his room. With relentless teasing on the way back to your farm, you finally make it back to your quaint home, welcoming him in. “Don’t worry about the sheets just lay down okay?” You say as you help him onto the bed. He groaned and sighed a sigh of relief as his body can finally rest fully. “Thank you Y/n.. really” he was gonna sleep hard tonight. “Of course Seb, I’ll see you in the morning.” You say, about to exit to leave him in your bed. “Wait” he called out. “Sleep by me?” He more so begged than asked with his tone, he didn’t want to be alone. You were more than happy to oblige in his request. You nodded and changed in the other room into something a little more comfy. Laying beside him, knowing he can’t really sleep on either side comfortably you held his hand and snuggled up beside him.
“Don’t ever leave me okay?” You say as you start drifting off to sleep.
“I wouldn’t dream of it sweetheart.” He squeezed your hand and fell into slumber shortly after.
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Season 7: Deaths Door
So, I’m watching a reactor who just got to this episode. Yes, this is another post based around reaction videos. No it’s not the same one I wrote about last time (if I have any followers who keep track). Yes, I have a reactors on the go currently, and sadly, two of them are on seasons I don’t like much (Season 7 and Season 15), so it’s a bit rough going right now.
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Anyway, I think the episode where Bobby dies is a good one, though it is definitely sad. There are quite a few moments that really stand out for me. First, Dean punching the glass when the organ donor guy comes to talk to him while Bobby is still alive is really impactful. You understand and empathize with Dean so hard in that moment, and I think he showed unusual restraint in punching the glass rather than the man. My guy, what the hell are you doing asking someone about organs while their loved one is fighting for their life? Next, Sam pressing on his palm while he tries to wrestle with the reality of Bobby dying is heartbreaking to me. I think this is a moment that some people miss, but it hurts so much while it reminds me that Sam, while he mostly looks okay on the outside, is still dealing with the aftermath of his soul being locked in the cage with Lucifer for 180 years. The guy is struggling with reality on a daily basis, thinks he doesn’t have it so bad just because others experience "worse," and is now losing his surrogate dad. Finally, Bobby's memories of the boys being just totally average little moments of them acting like typical brothers is very wholesome. Though, I enjoy all of Bobby’s memories (Rufus!) and what they show us about Bobby. Really good episode overall.
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Now, here is where my … problem (I guess I’ll go with that term) comes in. I like this reactor because they are entertaining, and they tend to try look at things from both brothers' points of view most of the time, but they said two things that irked me a bit while watching the episode, especially because they seem to be opinions shared by a lot of viewers. Obviously opinions are going to be subjective, so I don’t think this reactor is being unfair. I just don’t fully agree. First, they said that they feel especially bad for Dean in this episode because he has been through so much. Second, they suggest that Bobby's death might be harder on the boys because Bobby was more of a father to them than John was.
Please see my thought under the cut
So, tackling the first idea, I don’t object to feeling bad for Dean this season or the idea that he has been through too mich. At all. I object to the implied idea that he has somehow been through more or worse than Sam at this point in the show, and thus deserves more sympathy. Excuse me, but, what!? Let’s not delve all the way back through their history because that could go on forever, instead let’s just look at Season 6 and Season 7 (up to this point).
Let’s start with Dean. He experienced the pain of having a soulless Sam back, who didn’t particularly care about him. This is essentially one of his worst nightmares, so I understand him reeling from this for a while. He gained and lost a family, and picked up a heap more loss and guilt to deal with from leaving them. He was betrayed by his "best friend," who also hurt his brother just to stop Dean from interfering with his purgatory plan. He has to "deal with" Sam suffering from hallucinations. He broke a leg. He’s had to temporarily give up his baby. And now Bobby, his surrogate dad, is dying. These are all very hard things, and I truly feel bad for Dean having to go through them, but he’s also done things to add to his own misery this season, like kill Amy and lie to Sam about it and drink his face off instead of coping with his depression and guilt. Dean is his own worst enemy, and it sometimes affects the empathy I have for him.
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Now, let’s look at Sam. Since Season 6, Sam has to come to terms with the fact that while he was soulless he did absolutely terrible things, things that he has to now remember and live with, even though in his normal state he never would have done them. He was also betrayed by Cas. First, Cas brought him back soulless, and while I don’t think he knew what exactly was wrong with Sam, he knew something was off and then proceeded to ignore Sam when he reached out to him about it. Then, he betrayed him by breaking his hell-wall just to distract Dean; he risked destroying Sam's mind entirely just to get Dean out of his way. Now, Sam is the one who is actually suffering from hallucinations, which have never gone away up to this point, rather he just learns to distinguish them from reality and go about his business. The show doesn’t remind us of this constantly, so I kind of understand audiences not actively thinking about this. Still, what Sam is experiencing in Season 7 is horrific. On top of all this, he’s worrying about Dean because of his drinking and depression. And now he too is losing Bobby, and he didn’t even have a sweet one-on-one memory to fall back on with Bobby unless he did and it just wasn’t significant enough for Bobby to remember. While Cas' betrayal probably hurt Dean more because Cas was closer to him at this point, what he did still has to hurt Sam, too; it even made him wonder if Cas brought him back soulless on purpose.
Now, my whole point with this is not that people should feel worse for Sam than Dean, but that it seems crazy to me to feel more empathy for Dean than Sam at this point. Dean has to worry about Sam's mental state, but Sam is the one living it. Meanwhile, Sam is worried about Dean's mental state, which is poor partially because of what’s happening with Sam these codependent boys have both been through way too much in the last Season and a half alone. Just because Sam isn’t as demonstrative with his emotions as Dean a lot of the time doesn’t mean he isn’t also in pain. So, I empathize strong,y with both of them in this situation of losing Bobby on top of everything else.
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Finally, the idea that Bobby is Sam and Dean "real" dad is one I always take issue with. John is not perfect by any means, but he did love his sons. He literally sold his soul to save Dean. This is not nothing. Dean has fond memories of him, and Sam had a nice moment with him and laughed with him in "Dead Man's Blood." When John first sees his boys after months (years for Sam) apart, he hugs them both. This is not a dad who doesn’t love his kids. His harshness was a result of fear for the boys most of the time, not unlike how Dean treated Ben when he was worried about him and Lisa at the end of Season 6. I’m not saying this is right, or that he couldn’t be too harsh, but they are living extraordinary experiences. John raised his kids like soldiers, but if he hadn’t they’d probably have died sooner. And the fact that they called him Sir, didn’t mean that he was only a Drill Sargent to them. Moreover, even though John made a ton of mistakes, his death was absolutely devastating for both Sam and Dean. Bobby on the other hand, may have "adopted two boys" in his heart, but he wasn’t perfect either. He’s been harsh with both of them at times, sometimes fairly, other times not as fairly, and he clearly has a favorite, which isn’t ideal in a father figure. Yes, he brought Dean to play catch, but an uncle might do that too, and did he ever do something like that for Sam? I like Bobby, I really do, and I think he’s a good surrogate but he is not their "real" dad, either. And while a terrible blow, I don’t think his death has equal impact on the boys to John’s.
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Anyway, that’s it on this one. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.
What are your thought any of this?
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pauuuuuuuuu i’ve got a question. i understand that you enjoy supernatural, so could you explain to me the whole destial thing? i’m like, fairly close to caving and committing myself to 15 fucking seasons of them and dean from gilmore girls (who i fucking hate(the character not the actor)) so like, i wanna know what i’m getting myself into, cause the only stuff i know is the meme that’s always going around, and that everyone and their mother is obsessed with dean winchester
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD @weeping-in-the-willows WE'VE DONE IT!!!
okay andi here we go its gonna be LONG (thats what she said?)
Destiel is a ship between two main characters, Dean Winchester, who is a monster hunter, and Castiel, who is an angel of the lord. Although Cas does not appear until season 4(?), when he does it's clear there's something going on between the two men (boys?), and, whether or not it's intentional, there's a LOT of gay subtext. I think they suffer a lot but it's worth it for the very few moments they get to enjoy, and you value them so much more which makes it so enjoyable.
As for Sam Winchester (Dean Forester), he's a young man with daddy issues who never met his mom and decided that instead of having that horrible monster hunter life he wanted to go to Stanford and study law and have a great academically successful life (Sam and Rory Gilmore would be best friends). He's a sweet, kind, smart, driven, ambitious (and hot) 22(!) year-old who would never voluntarily hurt a fly. Obviously life had other plans for him but what happens to him is up to you. Now, I will say that I'm not the biggest mid-series seasons Sam fan, but I think early Sam was one of my first fictional crushes and I still think of him fondly. His favorite singer is secretly Celine Dion.
Dean Winchester also has daddy issues but as in yes-dad-I'll-do-everything-you-say-so-that-you-love me-while-his-dad-still-loves-sam-more daddy issues (which I know all too well not not the time nor place), whereas Sam was more like "No dad, this is YOUR dream". Dean is like that jackass who thinks he's this huge deal and he think he's really hot and smart and always right, which is infuriating because it's true. But really imagine a giant teddy bear with a flannel. that's Dean Winchester. It's a bit funny but for him the most important thing ever is his family and he will fight with all his might to save it, blood or found, he will die for them over and over again with no regrets, except that one where his daug we don't talk about that. He's also incredibly funny, he likes Frozen and dad rock and pie.
Cas is an angel who very often forgets that. Funny thing about this guy is that they first portray him as like this scary creature, he's the most powerful thing they've ever faced and he's so intimidating but once they get to know him he's really just like if an alien saw a hot guy and went "that one". He talks to cats sometimes.
About the show itself, the firsts seasons they think they're like this moody, serious show, but as it goes on it quickly turns into a comedy. They meet Scooby-Doo once. There's a musical. Doctor Sexy wears cowboy boots. Dracula. Ghostfacers!
Now, I wouldn't go as far as "recommending" it to someone, but if i could start clean and had the choice to watch it again for the first time, I'd tell them put me back in it, and I would cry and curse and suffer, but I'd go through it again.
And that is all, unless Willow wants to add something?
Also I would avoid the last episode, I would not watch it if I were you, I wish I never saw it and I pretend it doesn't exist, it is not canon if I say it is not and I refuse to recognize it as such. Thank you.
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juniperhillpatient · 5 months
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How’s it going @juniperhillpatient ?
So I watched the two most recent scream movies for the first time this weak. Starting on Friday night and finishing on Saturday morning. They were entertaining, see I’ve only ever watched the original first one years ago but the connections between the films were interesting.
To get to the question, I recall that one of your Azutara AU ideas is a Scream fic ( along with the IT Au). In it I think one of your post in the past stated that Azula would be (slightly) based on Sam? If so, would that then make Ozai Billy Loomis? If so, I’ve got to say depicting Ozai as a deranged murder would be oddly appropriate. What with the emotional and physical abuse of both his spouse and his kids, along with the attempted genocide and all.
Oh! I also greatly enjoyed todays (well yesterdays) chapter in Happenstance. I’ve got to say though, I’m with Azula, Katara not turning in Hama is a very… injudicious decision. What happens when Hama decides to no longer go after corrupt officials like she did in chapter (one of whom has a family!) and she decides to go after innocent people (as she did in canon). What if Hama decides to escalate from just hostage taking? What if lives of innocents, of children even are lost her quest? That’s starts of with noble intentions, but become corrupted. Becoming in reality just hate of Fire Nations under the façade of environmentalism? Are Katara/Yue/Jet prepared for that possibility?
Or would Jet, Katara, and Yue not care cause those innocent people are Fire Nation? Naw just using rhetoric for Katara and Yue. They obviously would care. But Jet? Him I’m not 100% sure about.
It would have been better to get rid of threat (Hama) earlier on by turning her over. Than again, some police can be corrupt (though I use the world loosely) so maybe they were also right not to turn her over?
It’s a bit of a head scratcher, ain’t it. Which is awesome by the way. It’s fun reading these little moral quandaries and philosophical question in a sitcom fic. Questions like, is it okay to harm others we deem immoral to bring about ends that we believe to be an objective good? Can intrinsic good come from an extrinsic evil? Essentially, does the ends justify the means? And how far is too far? Happenstance is great in that and In all ways! Especially horror, romance (it’s Azutara so that’s a given 😉) and comedy.
Thank you for indulging my ramblings. I hope everything is well on your end. I recall a post from earlier speaking about your cat preventing you from cashing a check at your bank. Your bank decided to come to you right? To give a house call as it were? It’s the polite thing to do after all.
745 voice of the people
Hello! It could be going better. I am suffering because I’ve been sick on & off for like a fucking month & it’s starting to feel like God hates me 🥲 However, it could also be going worse. My mommy gave me money for groceries even though I told her not to because she is the best & she knows how much work I’ve missed due to illness so I have lots of good food & also hot chocolate with marshmallows 💜🙏
Anyway I am sure you didn’t expect that TMI when you asked how it’s going but I’m a dramatic rambly bitch 😌 I hope you are doing good yourself 💜
I am so happy you watched the new Scream movies 🍿 Most iconic series of all time honestly. Yes, Ozai would be a version of Billy Loomis in this AU! However, keep in mind this is all just ideas & not a real project in the works just yet 😉
Anyway I don’t have too too much to add to your analysis on the moral dilemma from last week’s Happenstance because I want to purposefully leave it open. I like posing these quandaries without creating a firm resolution just like there wouldn’t necessarily be in real life sometimes! Of course - Hama may just show up again. We will see!
I will say - Katara & Yue would definitely feel guilty if someone innocent got hurt because of their choice not to turn Hama in. Also, even though Jet hates the Fire Nation, he is dating Zuko & friends with several Fire Nation characters by now including pretty much best friends with Azula. So…. Could he really justify it if innocent Fire Nation civilians got hurt at this stage of the story? Tricky. Unlike Katara & Yue I don’t think he’d have much trouble justifying it if someone like Ichiro or Daisuke got hurt. While the girls would feel guilt over anyone being harmed, I think Jet would have a more pragmatic attitude if the people getting hurt were doing a lot of harm. The only reason he stood up to Hama in the end was that she hinted at plans to “subdue” Katara & Yue if they didn’t go along with her ideas. So, he was probably the least opposed to kidnap of the three. But I don’t think any of them would be okay with it if Hama hurt innocent people down the line - which is not out of the realm of possibility if it served a cause she cared about.
Anyway- I said I wouldn’t add & then I did! I love rambling about my story too much 😁
I seriously love your analysis & thoughts on this head scratcher! Thank you SO much for sharing 💜💜💜
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frodo-with-glasses · 1 year
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Not playlist anon (obvious now I guess), but I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and ask you to talk about Little Talks for the game since it's by my favourite band ^^
Oh HECK yes Of Monsters and Men, let’s goooo!
So once again, “Little Talks” is in the playlist more for the overall emotion of the song than for any specific lyrics. There are obviously any number of interpretations you can get out of it—that’s one of the best things about OMAM songs, their artistic ambiguity—but for me, it’s one of those songs that goes into my little list of “this is what it feels like to love somebody with mental illness”.
You may notice that I picked a male cover of the song, rather than just using the original (which is exquisite and has less confusion over that one part in the second verse where the two singers’ voices overlap for one word), because it is meant to be, once again, a conversation between Frodo and Sam. Specifically, I see this as being a sort of snapshot of life in Bag End in that…what, year and a half?…after the Quest had ended and before Frodo left for Valinor. The song is sleepy, it’s tender, it’s melancholy, and it’s deeply unsettling. Whoever the two speakers are, they love each other, but something has gone very wrong in the mind of one of them, and it’s tearing the other one apart.
F: I don’t like walking around this old and empty house
S: So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear
F: The stairs creak as I sleep, it’s keeping me awake
S: It’s the house telling you to close your eyes
F: Some days I can’t even trust myself
S: It’s killing me to see you this way
For Frodo, Bag End doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s too big. Too empty. Too full of memories of a past life to which he can’t return. He has constant nightmares and frequent insomnia and can’t always be sure of his own mind. Sam offers what he always has—patient, gentle assurances, and sometimes a hand to hold—but it breaks his heart every time.
Both: ‘Cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore
Ships. The Sea. The Sea only ever means one thing. It’s a look ahead to the very end.
F: There’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back
S: Well tell [him] that I miss our little talks
F: Soon it will be over and buried with our past
S: We used to play outside when we were young, and full of life and full of love
Throughout the book, Frodo has a habit of looking into the future with pessimism: he’s miserable, but at least the misery will all be over and forgotten when he’s dead. Even the past is tarnished by the pain of the present; his happy years in the Shire come back to taunt him, dancing just out of reach, where he can’t grasp them again. But Sam looks on the past with fondness and almost aggressive optimism; in the dreary desert of Mordor, he thought back to when he was young, swimming in the farm pond with Rosie and her brothers, and even here he thinks wistfully about the days when Frodo was free and whole and things were easy.
You’re gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear All that’s left is the ghost of you Now we’re torn, torn, torn apart, there’s nothing we can do Just let me go, we’ll meet again soon
What is this story except Sam being forced to watch Frodo slowly deteriorate; of cradling his cold body, when he thinks he’s dead, and then watching him truly die from the mind outward, which is so much worse? Sam is determined to lead a good life in the Shire, but Frodo can’t stay here any longer. He has to leave, or he won’t heal. So after walking a long, long road side by side, they’re now torn apart on the pier of the Grey Havens. “Just let me go,” whispers Frodo. “We’ll meet again soon.”
Now wait, wait, wait for me Please hang around I’ll see you when I fall asleep HEY!
The sudden, raucous crescendo here in the original recording just gets me in the throat every time. It feels like love that hurts—raw, roaring, and desperate—when saying goodbye is like a shard to the chest that’s so close to your heart you can’t remove it without risking even worse damage, so it just stays there, and your skin and muscle close and heal around it, but you’re still carrying it with you ‘til the end of your life; and even though you may go for months or years without noticing it, it still pricks and gives you pain sometimes.
(Did that metaphor end up going a lot further than I thought it would? Yes. Am I running with it regardless? Also yes.)
“Wait, wait, wait for me.” It feels like something Sam would want to shout after the ship as it pulled away, but he shut his mouth and swallowed it into his chest, because Rosie was waiting for him at home and he couldn’t go, not yet.
“Wait, wait, wait for me.” It feels like something Frodo would want to whisper from the stern; please don’t hurry, take your time, but don’t forget me.
“Wait, wait, wait for me.” I read something recently that said mortals aren’t actually made immortal by the trip to Valinor; the land is called Undying because it’s full of elves, not because it can grant immortality. I’m not a smart enough Tolkien person to know if that’s true or not, but if it is, that adds a whole other layer of agony: Bilbo would have likely passed away not long after reaching Valinor. And Frodo? Frodo wasn’t exactly a spring chicken himself. He would have been even older by the time Rosie passed away, and Sam took it into his head to leave Middle Earth. After he had found his healing—and met all the elves he wished to meet and seen all of Valinor he wished to see—what else was there for Frodo to hold on to life for?
What else, except for the vague, wild hope of a reunion?
But until then, Sam lies awake in Bag End, with Rosie at his side, staring at the ceiling. And a motif of this playlist is repeated that first popped its head up in “Dear Fellow Traveler”:
“And I’ll return to my beautiful city Black skies will change into blue And though my love is so wise and so pretty Some nights I’ll still dream of you”
I’ll see you when I fall asleep…
I’ll close my eyes and dream of you, until we meet again.
WORD ASK GAME! (kinda!)
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problematicturtle · 2 years
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖 
Wow okay, hmm.
At some point I watched blade runner for maybe the 20th time, then read the original novel, and an unofficial “sequel” to the movie, and then decided what I really wanted to write was a Jim/Bones Star Trek AU (nu Trek) where Bones is a blade runner and Jim is a replicant and they go on the run together. I really enjoyed the noirish style of the world and so that’s what I tried to encapsulate. It is objectively probably not very good but I am very fond of it.
This started as a regular old high school thorki AU and turned into an entire series with Loki vaguely inspired by Gillen’s kid Loki run and, I had plans to finish this with them going into adulthood, navigating a life that runs similar to what happens to them in the movies (they tear each other apart and then find one another again), but I’m pretty happy with where it ended up anyway. Of all Lokis, this terrible high school Loki who loves his brother in the most unhealthy way but also can’t help hurting him, can’t not be himself, was kinda so fun to write!
It may not seem that way if you’ve read this, but Sam Wilson is my favorite MCU character. Obviously being my favorite involves putting him through the wringer, although usually not to this extreme. And with this fic, I guess I just wanted to see a Sam unmade, stripped down to his core self and forced to adapt to the limit to survive, and then, very importantly: survive. I went into this thinking about trauma, and how what’s done to the physical body is just the beginning of what we have to deal with after that, and how we cope with how we change because of it, and well. I guess it took me 100k to think about it, but here we are. Also this is still a love story - because honestly, Sam and Bucky are endgame, no matter what.
The kink meme request was something along the lines of Charles lets Erik sleep with him because Erik wants it, but Charles really doesn’t, and so this fic is mainly about Charles absolutely falling into what it’s like to feel desired, and because he’s a telepath he he can really truly feel it - but hating it, and yet unable to say no, because he cares for Erik, and can’t hurt him like that. And - I don’t know, I liked writing the tragedy of how Charles absolutely at any point can say no, stop Erik, make Erik forget everything, and yet won’t, because he does loves Erik. And that ultimately Erik too deserves better than not knowing of Charles’ misery. Just a staggering difference in what both of them want out of the relationship.
Sometimes I forget I wrote a Losers/Inception fusion fic, and then I remember I wrote a Losers/Inception fusion fic. It was fun. Clay/Roque my beloved. Anyway I enjoyed thinking of the Losers movie as an Inception playground, and for the life of me can’t remember why I was in the Losers fandom for such a brief period of time. Ah well.
Idk who to tag I know very few people here - I was tagged by @writerkenna but I can’t tag her again! Anyway tagging everyone?
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seabird-bard · 1 year
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hi hi!!! bored so do you have anything you like want to infodump about? or just send a long post about or want me to research/read/watch/listen to or etc? this ask can take as long as u want or be as long as you want or whatever u want just curious :) can be about absolutely anything!!
hey there!
sooo this is pretty different from what i normally talk about BUT tlou hbo has reignited my hyperfixation on it and sadly they have taken over my brain once again. aaand i kind of feel like people are misinterpreting the core of the story at the moment, so. full ramble below the cut and yes i will be spoiling absolutely everything (including the next season, but i'll mark that part with a warning) so i am very sorry tumblr user hazmatazz if you can't read this now but. i NEED to get this off of my chest.
right off the bat, i'm going to get to the main thing: joel's lie.
a lot of what i'm about to explain is best summarized with the bts the making of clips that are shown at the end of look for the light but i feel a very deep need to spell this out for some of you.
NO ONE IN THIS SITUATION IS RIGHT OR WRONG!!!
and this is a running theme that i'm definitely going to get back to later because that's another main thing with tlou as a whole.. they tend to create very morally grey, not-right not-wrong characters, and that's on purpose. a large part of this story as a whole is to show how people (and humanity in a lot of cases) would react if we were put into these situations.
which leads us right back to what joel did.
the last of us offers this already very damaged, very broken person a really visceral, hard decision. and i feel like people are forgetting that these experiences, him losing sarah and tess and the promise he made to tess.. all of that shapes his decision to save ellie and protect her.
like (i believe it was, i don't have the time to check--) craig mazin said at the end of look for the light, a lot of tlou1 is about the deep, unconditional love of a parent. he was essentially offered to save his adoptive daughter or save humanity.
just think about his situation for a second. if you had this person that you loved like family, and you had to choose saving them over a world that is already long gone, would you? because i know i would, and i'm sure there are a lot of people that would agree with me.
and then there's ellie.
throughout the first part, ellie has this strange sort of, for lack of a better term, "chosen one" complex, where she has this mindset that's like, "okay, i have this really special, probably rare thing, and there's no one else like me, as far as we know. what can i do with that?" and her first answer is always to use it. the show takes this another step further in a small way when she tries to save sam, but it doesn't work, which is some pretty rough foreshadowing, but i'm getting off-topic.
ellie wants her immunity to mean something bigger, to be something greater than just something that can only stop her from getting infected. she wants to save and help people, because she couldn't save rylie or tess or sam, and she's watching all of these people die around her, and she can't do anything. so, obviously, when she finds out there's a chance she can change that, she's going to want to tak eit. and even more so, she's going to get hurt when joel, this person she loves and cares a lot about, stops that from happening on purpose and lies to her face about it.
they both have their reasons. does that make joel a little selfish, in some ways? maybe. but talk to any parent you know, and they would do the same thing. sometimes, when it comes to stuff like this, people can be inherently selfish. it doesn't mean that they're bad people, though.
you could argue for both sides here, and that's what makes all of this so complicated. ellie is a bordering-on-suicidal fourteen year old girl who wanted her immunity to mean something for other people, too. joel just wanted to keep her around and let her live a somewhat fulfilling life. you could also say that fedra wouldn't allow the vaccine to be distributed, or that the fireflies are liars or that maybe the fireflies were just trying to help, and you'd be right on all accounts. it is just too difficult to call either of these people wrong for getting upset and doing what they did.
season two spoilers start here!
i also sort of want to elaborate on that thing i said earlier about tlou and its characters, because i know for a fact we're going to have the same fights we got when tlou2 came out once season 2 is out, and i want to clear some stuff up right now before i lose my mind. yes, this is tangential. i do not care at all lmao
if you can forgive joel and tommy for all of the shitty things they've done, hell, if you can forgive ellie for what she does in part 2, then you can absolutely forgive abby, too. and if you don't, you're kind of biased and lack some very important empathy, imo.
let's just look at what these characters do during this conflict completely objectively, for a minute, sticking to the games' canon.(since s2 isn't out yet)
joel kills abby's father, the surgeon that was meant to kill ellie, in order to save her. abby, in turn, once she finds him, kills joel. ellie and tommy, out of pure grief and anger, track abby and her group down and kill all eight of them off one by one. ellie only spares abby once she's the last person standing and has a kid to take care of.
keep in mind, abby literally SPARED ellie and tommy. was this for some pretty harsh reasons? probably. but still. she said it herself, she let them live. she could have killed them at any time in that room, and she made the choice not to.
now, no one other than abby had really laid a hand on joel, other than wrapping that tourniquet around his leg at the very beginning. ellie still wanted them all dead, because they were there, and they helped, and they were friends with abby, and in ellie's eyes, that's crime enough to deserve punishment.
but we still love ellie. we still love tommy. we still root for both of them, because we understand their characters and empathize with them. (which was sort of the point of playing as abby for so long in part 2 but i guess some people just didn't click with that which is fine but ugh. you don't GET ITTTT)
on the outside looking in, abby really isn't any worse than either of them. you may even argue that she's better. but that's one of the driving themes of the games, and the story as a whole. no one is good or bad, we're all just people with separate motivations that intersect in bad ways.
spoilers end here!
i guess that's why i get so frustrated when i see that we're still misunderstanding the conflict between joel and ellie here. there isn't any right or wrong here! they are both just people who care about each other very deeply, and sometimes, because of that, they get hurt. if we're going to keep doing this i am begging you all not to watch season two. you're just going to get pissed off again.
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scoobydoodean · 1 year
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could I ask something? and I really don't mean to be rude, but you've said a couple of times now how much you like that 'blame it on the girls' dean amv and I was just wondering why? cause I've watched it a few times and I don't think I see what you see in it. trying to decipher the like, 'thesis' of the video I could only come up with "well dean is the one needlessly overcomplicating his own chances at happiness and nothing else is standing in his way. he should just realize how lucky he is to have so many great things in his life and stop blaming his dissatisfaction with life on other people" which is not something I'd agree with but maybe I'm not giving the editor enough credit? maybe I'm just reading into it too deeply? idk, but if you feel like it please do tell me why you enjoy it so much. sending love your way
No worries—I can see why the video might be taken that way. I don't think the person who made the AMV intends the message to be "Dean is just overcomplicating things" at all though. I think the actual message the creator is trying to convey is that Dean's capacity to build bonds with others and how people tend to kind of fall a little bit (or a lot) in love with him and be pulled into orbit around him is really fascinating and special, but that it's a double-edged sword for Dean—that he loves really deeply in return and that it ends up causing him a lot of pain (and also guilt) when he loses people. There's a few things they did to kind of alter the meaning of the original song.
In the original song, it opens with the singer talking about a conversation with the subject of the song at a bar. The guy at the bar says, "My life stinks" and the singer notices the guy is really attractive and looks wealthy and says "Dude, your perspective on life sucks". In this AMV, they replace that with Dean saying, "I'm past saving". So instead of being like "Hey, you're hot and rich so you should be happy???" (and obviously Dean isn't rich lol) I think what they're trying to say is that even though Dean isn't always the biggest fan of himself, a lot of people he crosses paths with are? He has a tendency to view himself as disposable, and he's had some run ins with suicidal ideation, and other characters (ex: Sam) don't... blame Dean for that (unless they're being particularly shitty) but they're like "Dude we love you so MUCH???" That's the common defense. I think that the love that a lot of people Dean crosses paths with throughout the show have for him and how quickly those bonds are sometimes developed between them and Dean is more of the point of the first section of the AMV (though I also just think the person who made the AMV was like "Lol great opportunity for bi!Dean thesis (ex: the siren).
During the segment of the song with just the piano, they show a lot of the people who have loved Dean getting killed. There's no implication like that about the subject in the original song. I think the AMV maker added this as a way of showing that "Hey—Dean does actually have a lot of bad shit going on that really hurts?" I think what they're actually going for here is that this love is a double-edged sword for Dean. He does form these bonds super easily through most of the show—a lot of people feel instantly connected to him—and that's great—but then those bonds are so often stripped away from him so painfully? He's cared about so many people who also cared about him, who then died, and he's often shown to feel the pain of that more than anyone else does. His negative view of himself is actually also connected to how many people he's loved and lost and how he blames himself for most of their deaths because he was made to feel guilty for things that weren't actually his fault/his responsibility since he was a child and developed an overactive sense of responsibility to others. In that same conversation where Dean says he's past saving, he also calls himself poison—because people who get close to him get hurt or worse.
They follow up what I mentioned in #2 with some pretty heavy scenes for Dean overlaying the words, "You'd think he's living at ease" (as if to say—he's NOT). They have 1) Dean crying right after Cas tells him it's his job to stop the apocalypse and he finds out he broke the first seal (a moment of serious guilt and pain for Dean), 2) Dean forgetting himself and everyone he loves in "Regarding Dean" (Dean DOESN'T want to forget the people he loves—it's what makes him HIM—but do you remember how unburdened he was in that episode?) and 3) Dean crying sitting on the ground in the dungeon after Cas died literally from telling Dean he loved him... which might be the most painful commentary on Dean's love as a double edged sword in the series. (Like. It's a beautiful scene imo, but also... there's this horrible cruelty to it as well?)
On the line, "Are you wishing you were ugly like me?" There's a clip of Demon Dean opening his eyes for the first time. Demon Dean hated everyone that the real Dean loves, and connected his lack of love for his family to freedom from the guilt that Dean always felt. Cas calls back to this at the end of the episode where they're curing Dean when he says, "I can see his point. Only humans can feel real joy, but also such profound pain."
Anyway, that was kind of rambly but I hope that helps.
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milliedazzledust · 3 years
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If A Look Could Kill (Bucky Barnes imagine)
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Words: 1429 words
A/N: this is literally a blurb from a scene in the 2nd episode of fatws when they're all in the car after they fought the supersoldiers
They had been in the same car for no more than ten minutes and Y/N was already holding herself back from punching the smug smile on the man pretending to be Captain America. Both fake heroes had showed up in the middle of their fight, throwing around Steve’s shield, acting like the world owed them anything.
Earlier that day, inside the comfort of the apartment she shared with Bucky, she had watched the cocky man parading in front of cameras, standing in a stadium. She had heard him talk about Steve like he knew him, like he had fought along side with him. And when he had compared Steve to a brother, when she had seen the look of hurt and betrayal on Bucky’s face, her heart had shattered.
She knew that sometimes grief could come like a runaway truck, that despite seeing it careening down the highway, we might not have enough time to get out of its way. And she had seen it that morning, that grief smashing Bucky right in the face when he had least expected it. She didn’t know the man the government had chosen to replace the Captain, but she already hated him for causing her lover pain.
"If you guys joined us we could …" The man pretending to be in charge started as the military vehicle was moving.
"No." Bucky hostly cut him.
There wasn’t a lot of space between the five of them. She had been forced to sit next to the man with the shield while her friends were in front of her.
The tension was almost palpable. Sam had his arms crossed and his lips pursed and Bucky was visibly clenching his jaw. Their patience was hanging by a thread and only she seemed to have notice.
Ignoring the conversation they were having, she exchanged a knowing look with her boyfriend. He had a short temper and habits he had picked up from his alter-ego that could potentially get him to explode. Judging by the side glances Sam kept giving him, she guessed she wasn’t the only one worried.
"What do you say, Y/N ?" She heard the man sitting next to her talk.
Unwillingly, she turned around to look at him.
"What was that ?" She asked him.
His smirk alone was enough to make her roll her eyes.
"We could use a … woman like you" He told her suggestively. She didn’t miss the way he looked her up and down, neither did Bucky.
"A woman like me ?" She repeated, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head to the side.
"Yeah, you’ve got potential, babe. So what do you say ?" He said in a seductive voice. "Interested in joining us ?"
A quick glance at her boyfriend was enough for her to tense when she saw him going from annoyed to seriously pissed off. He was scowling at the man with all his old ferocity, looking everything like the assassin he had once been.
"Does he always stare like that ?" Battlestar inquired, nodding toward Bucky.
"You do know your friend is disrespecting Y/N in front of her boyfriend who also happens to be one of the most prolific assassin on this planet, right ?" Sam ironically told him.
The woman narrowed her eyes at the man sitting next to her, irritated by his behavior.
"At what point did you decide we were close enough for you to refer to me as ‘babe’ ? Because I think I missed the memo between the need to punch your face and the craving to shove your ego up your ass"
Bucky’s chest swelled with pride at her comeback and he sniggered. He knew she was a strong woman and had always loved that feisty side of her. She was fire and he was ice, a perfect combinaison yet dangerous association. Even Sam seemed pleased when he noticed Walker growing uncomfortable next to her.
"Look, we know you don’t like us" The other soldier known as Battlestar answered.
"That’s an understatement" Sam muttered under his breath.
"We’re on the same team here" Walker added.
"No, we’re not" Bucky glared at him.
The soldier with the shield sighed. He pursed his lips, thinking for a moment before glancing at the men in front of him.
"I’m not trying to replace anyone" He started to explain.
"You couldn’t if you tried" Y/N mocked him.
"My point is, I know I’m not Steve and I’m not trying to be. But I am Captain America"
"Like hell you are" Bucky scornfully stated.
"It takes a lot more than knowing how to throw a shield to become a superhero" Sam reminded him.
"I am what the world need right now" He insisted.
"What the world want. Big difference" Sam continued.
"You were getting your ass kicked back there" Battlestar told them, helping his friend’s case. "We saved you"
"Should we say thank you ?" Y/N ironically threw at them.
"This isn’t up to you. Why are we even arguing about that ?" Walker was getting annoyed.
"Because you’re not even half the man Steve was yet you keep parading like a clown pretending to be someone you’re not" Bucky aggressively spoke with a cold voice. "You don’t get to mention his name, Walker, not when you’re destroying all he’s ever work for"
"Bucky…" Sam called him with a cautious tone, trying to get him to calm down.
The former assassin shut his mouth, refraining himself from saying anything more.
"Obviously there’s some issues you still need to work on" Walker spoke with a grin on his face. "But my offer still stands. We’d work better together"
"Keep on dreaming" Y/N expressed, rolling her eyes.
"If we’re being honest here, the only thing I dream about is you out of that suit" He forcefully flirted, looking down at her superhero outfit
She cringed at his useless attempt of seduction and missed the way Bucky’s expression turned dark in the split of a second. He clenched his jaw so hard his veins were visibly noticeable and his blue eyes were boring into Walker. If a simple stare could kill, he’d already be dead. He looked as menacing as can be with that hostile glare and his anger was reflecting itself through the way his muscles were bulging, ready to attack.
"Don’t do anything stupid" Sam warned him when he realized the man’s patience was running low.
Bucky growled and before any of them could react, the super soldier watched his newfound nemesis casually placing his hand on his girlfriend’s thigh. His entire body tensed and his blood ran cold.
"If you don’t take your hands off me in the next two seconds, you’re gonna lose both of them, Walker" Y/N threatened him.
"I’d take her word, Captain, ‘cause you’re about to be eaten alive" Sam advised him.
The soldier dismissed him and laughed, which only seemed to anger the woman and her boyfriend.
It all happened too fast for anyone to react. Just as Y/N was about to assault the man, Bucky decided to let his rage speak for himself and reached for Walker’s hand, twisting his fingers. He could almost feel the bones on the verge of breaking and his skin had started to turn red as the former assassin applied more pressure. The soldier grunted loudly in pain, trying to release himself from the tightening grip.
"Stop the car !" Bucky shouted.
The vehicle slowed down and he menacingly leaned toward Walker.
"If you so much as glance at her again, I will rip you to pieces"
Maybe it was the tone in his voice, or the serious promise of death he could see in his eyes, but the soldier bit back the lump in his throat, unable to answer. He looked terrified.
"Told you" Sam shrugged as Bucky released the man.
They both stepped out of the car, waiting for Y/N. The woman, still angry, turned to stare at the soldiers in blue and red.
"One more thing" She tilted her head.
Without notice, her fist collided with John Walker's jaw. The loud impact with his face was enough to almost knock him out and she smiled. Pleased with herself, she got up and followed her friends.
"Was that really necessary ?" Sam joked and they started walking.
"Oh c’mon, you know you’ve been dying to punch the guy" She smirked.
Bucky placed his human arm around her shoulders and a sweet kiss on the side of her forehead, secretly satisfied.
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shipsandlattes · 3 years
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So I know everyone has already dissected this scene to its core, but it’s taken me a good 48 hours to digest this and I just needed to get it out.
I’m an aspiring actor, I’ve been training for a long time, with a lot of amazing teachers. I’ve watched a lot of shows and shipped a lot of couples. Some of them beautiful and canon, others, well, let’s just say waiting 22 years and counting for acknowledgement, closure, anything, it’s a damn challenge. I’ve seen a hell of a lot of will-they-wont-they’s, baiting, purposeful ignorance, deliberate fake outs, zero explanations, storylines that basically caused canon disintegration, the works.
In saying that, Dean and Cas were right up there on the list with the other “impossibles” because honestly, I didn’t think the writers would have the guts to do it, but I am so f*cking proud they did. It’s safe to say I’ve watched the scene a good hundred+ times already. 
I’ve seen a lot of “controversy” around Dean’s reaction/Jensen’s acting choices and whether or not Dean reciprocates Cas’ feelings, and obviously, I needed to add my own views to the mix.
Just work with me for a minute here.
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Dean Winchester is an emotionally repressed trainwreck, and ironically enough, the one that is so full of emotion it hurts to watch. When Cas first starts his speech, he’s confused, really confused because why on earth would Cas start off on a rant now? Billie’s waiting to kill them, he just said he knew something that was more powerful than she was, something that could save them. That’s where he thought this speech was going.
The confusion turns to realisation that it’s a goodbye when Cas starts telling him how incredible he is, how his entire essence is love. Go back and watch the scene again, when Cas says “you’re the most caring man on Earth”, you physically see Dean look down, his eyes searching, he’s actively trying to make sense of what’s happening, he knows what’s coming and you can see him coming to terms with the shock of the words being said to him. He then looks directly at Cas. That look, that was pure shock.
Also, notice how he doesn’t stop Cas from talking? He doesn’t interject, make a joke, doesn’t talk about how there is no time for this now, they’ve got to at least try and stop Billie. He. says. nothing. He listens, he listens like I’ve never seen Dean listen before. Because it’s sinking in now.
When Cas really starts crying, when he says “you changed me, Dean”, you can actually see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He’s no longer in control of his emotions, he’s crying too. He’s never seen Cas like this, so raw, and vulnerable and human. This is the hardest, most emotional conversation they’ve both ever had. They are talking about the one thing that everybody knows, but is never addressed. When it wasn’t talked about, they could deny it, live in the lie. Once it’s said aloud, it’s real and they can’t turn back.
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This above series of interactions is the part that kills me the most. The moment Cas says “because it is”, that’s the exact moment of realisation. Look at that last GIF, really look. He’s just worked it out, that he is Cas’ true happiness. He knows what’s coming before Cas even says it. Go back and watch the scene again, they pulled that off so well, the way the music swells at this exact moment. Jensen is giving us everything here, you can see what’s happening in his head - he is Cas’ happiness. He is the one thing on Earth Cas wants and thinks he can’t have. He is the reason Cas is about to die. He knows what Cas is about to say and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it, not now, not like this. It’s almost a silent plea not to say it, because he knows. Of course he knows. It’s like he can’t quite believe Cas is really, after all this time, finally going to say it.
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And because obviously Jensen decided that that wasn’t enough to break us, the loaded reaction when Cas says “I love you” has me nothing but convinced that it’s reciprocated. Because Dean knows. He’s always known. Those tears, that head tilt, that gulp. He’s so genuinely confused that they’re really having this conversation. It’s like he can’t quite believe that this is the reality before him because he’s been living in that denial, in that self-loathing and unlovable layer he believes to be true. He’s been under the ‘what if... but it could never be’ umbrella for so long. 
What also makes this real is that there isn’t anyone else around this time. When “I love you’s” have been said before, they have always been able to deflect it, with other people or other words. Now it’s just the two of them. No deflecting, no running away. Dean is forced to hear it, to absorb it, to realise it’s for nobody else but him.
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Now, I don’t know if you guys felt this, but when Dean says “Don’t do this, Cas”, he wasn’t just referring to Cas sacrificing himself to the Empty, he’s telling Cas that he can’t just say this, not now, knowing he’s going to die, knowing that Dean won’t get a chance to think, to process, to say what he needs too. I keep staring at that GIF above, Dean is breaking down, I’m almost convinced that Jensen was using an “I love you too, please just stop this” inner monologue for this bit. Look at the way he’s looking at Cas before he realises the Empty has started materialising and turns around. That’s a look of pure heartbreak. Trust me when I tell you, it’s really hard to keep those inner thoughts inside if you’re so in the moment - actually, don’t just take my word for it, read any acting book, ask any actor, it’s so hard to keep that in and sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you do - it’s in both the resistance and the letting go that the gold happens. This my friends, is gold. 
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Did anyone else hear “Cas, I-”, well, regardless of whether or not it was an “I” or a very sharp breath, the outcome is the same. Dean’s gone into immediate panic mode. The Empty at one end and Billie at the other, and all poor Dean wants to do is gather his thoughts on not what to say but how to say it. I don’t think he comprehended just how little time he had, he was so focused on what was being said that the reality of the situation caught him completely off guard.
Also, I know this post was about dissecting Dean’s reaction, but can we sidebar a minute to talk about Cas as he pushes Dean out of the way? He’s sobbing, he’s fully crying. That hit me really hard, I’ve never seen Cas cry like that, I’ve never seen Misha get to play that level of emotion before and it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch since The Doctor and Rose and Buffy and Spike, to which by the way, I find many parallels between those couples and this scene.
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Speaking of crying, that brings me to this: Dean slumped on the floor, ignoring a call from Sam, sobbing his heart out knowing he’s lost everything. Dean-I’m-emotionally-unavailable-Winchester is sobbing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall ever seeing Dean cry like this before either, the sobbing was so evident and piercing in that silence. The look around the room, the burying of his head in his hands, that is a classic writers romantic love trope if I’ve ever seen it, they really pulled out all the stops with this one.
So, to summarise, I think Jensen’s choices and Dean’s reactions were absolutely and utterly perfect. They both did it so well that it didn’t break from character that these two emotionally distant and repressed men are in love and finally voicing it. Jensen barely said two words and still managed to cause mass coronary’s across the fandom. That my friends is what you call a brilliant actor. I bow down to the talents of these two amazing human beings.
Before I leave this novel, I have to say there are now a few things I’m going to need from the powers that be to not screw this up, help me manifest this:
1. Dean gets to reciprocate his feelings to Cas in person. So, I’m gonna need Cas back and a very emotional Dean.
2. Dean to be actively dealing with heartbreak in the next episode (unless they decided to bring Cas back that soon, which I wouldn’t put past them at this point).
3. Sam to confront Dean about his feelings for Cas, because out of everyone, he’d be the one to hit Dean with the truth of his fears. Sam knows. Sam is supportive. Sam sees it all.
4. I’m gonna need some physical affection, cause after 12 years of nonsense, we damn well deserve it. A hug, and not just any old reunion hug, a proper, this is different now hug. A kiss because hello, in love out loud now. Forehead touching, handholding, really gonna need the works here.
5. A happy ending for the two of them, one way or another. We’ve never had one, it’s time.
Okay, have at it now, let’s speak these into existence please.
Note: GIFs are not mine, I did not make them, credit to owners who I’m not sure of, but they’re beautiful, thanks for making them. EDIT: I’ve just been informed that these gorgeous gifs belong to @michaeldean​ and @inacatastrophicmind​! 
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diaphragmjellyfish · 3 years
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I Have This... Thing
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Not My Gif
So as someone with vaginismus, it’s sometimes frustrating to read fan fiction, specifically smut. Y/N always has sex so easily and with very little foreplay, finishing with no issues. And it’s so great for people who can do that, but it’s not the case for all of us. Some of us can’t have any sort of penetration without pain. Some people can’t finish without toys, or hours of work. Some people will never be able to have penetrative sex. There’s all kinds of people, and there’s all kinds of sex. But not near enough fics featuring Y/N’s with these issues. So I’m going to write some, and feel free to request any issue with any character, and if I don’t know that character, we can collaborate to find a character you like that I do know. 
Paul Lahote x reader smut. 
You had lived in Forks for about 6 months now. You’ve known your new friends here for 5 months. And you’ve been the imprint of Paul Lahote for 3 months. Well, you’ve been his imprint since you guys first locked eyes at La Push when you first hung out with Emily, but he didn’t tell you about the whole werewolf/ imprint thing until 3 months ago. Safe to say it came as a shock. Your friends, the people who had welcomed you so easily, helped you move furniture around, and gave you tours of the new town, were WOLVES. Or engaged to wolves. *cough* Emily *cough*. You had to take a few weeks break from them after they told you. After Sam explained the legends, the lore. After Paul told you that you were basically his soul mate. It’s a lot to take in! 
But you quickly realized that you had grown to love the pack. And now that you knew the big secret, things were easier around them. No more lies about where they had all been. No more avoiding talking about their mysterious injuries that only seemed to last for a couple hours. No more awkwardly dancing around why Paul stared at you constantly and wouldn’t let any other guy get within 6 feet of you without having a rage attack and sprinting into the woods. Things were going good. 
Well… as good as they could be without sex. Yep. You and Paul had been together for 3 months and you have not had sex. You didn’t give each other head. You didn’t take your clothes off around each other. You didn’t even dry hump. And you knew it was your fault. You could tell that Paul was getting nervous about the fact that you wouldn’t let him touch you like that. He would never ask you about it, because he wouldn’t want you to feel pressured or rushed, but you could tell it was on his mind. The little sad smile he would give when you stopped things from going further. The hover of his hands over your ass before landing back on your waist. The way he looked almost guilty after looking at you in a swimsuit or crop top. 
See, vaginismus made relationships difficult. You never had a long term relationship before Paul. You were either too scared to tell partners about it, and just dealt with the excruciating pain, which would lead to resentment and breakups, or you would tell them and they would ghost you. Guys don’t normally go for girls who’s opening line is “Hi! I cannot have sex without crying.” You’d been dilating for almost a year now. It was going okay. Some days hurt more than others. A lot of times, Paul would ask you to hang out when you were in the middle of your physical therapy, and you would have to make up some excuse as to why you couldn't. Too tired. Headache. Stomach bug. He was starting to catch on. 
One day, you guys were hanging out at your apartment watching a movie. You had been making out, but as soon as it started getting slightly heated, you had pulled away and got up to get a drink refill. Paul, having gotten used to the routine, didn’t question you. While you were in the kitchen pouring some more juice, Paul asked “Hey babe? Do you have a charger I can borrow?”
“Yeah it’s in the top drawer of my bedside table,” you haphazardly yelled back. 
You heard him get up and go into your bedroom, rummaging around a little. Then silence. 
“Hey babe?” he said hesitantly. You thought he just couldn’t find the charger, so you began walking towards your room to grab it for him. Once you got to the doorway, you stopped dead in your tracks. Eyes wide. Face bright red. Paul held up the dilator you were currently on, which was about 5 inches long and looked… well let’s be honest. It looked like a dildo. The bottle of lubricant that was also in the drawer didn’t help your case. How the fuck were you supposed to explain yourself? You expected Paul to tease you, make some sex jokes, and maybe try to make out with you again, but he didn’t. He looked absolutely crushed. 
“Do you not want to have sex with me?” He asked, sounding on the verge of tears. 
“What?! Paul, of course I want to have sex with you!”
“Then why this?” he pressed.
“You don’t even know what that’s for. Let me explain,” you pleaded, afraid he was going to lose that infamous temper. You’d never witnessed it before, but you were scared you were about to. 
“I think I have a pretty good guess about what this is for!” He exclaimed, holding it up. “You won’t even let me kiss your neck but you have this that you obviously use when I’m not around. You don’t want to have sex with me. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Paul! That’s not true at all!” You were starting to get irritated at his assumptions. “It’s for physical therapy.” 
“Oh, is that what we’re calling orgasms now?” He questioned, exasperated. 
“I’m not talking about orgasms! If you gave me two seconds to explain, you would know that that does not bring me an ounce of pleasure. I hate having to use it.” You started to tear up at this, all the memories of your struggles surging back up. At this, Paul stopped. He looked super confused, but also worried about you. God forbid you shed a tear, Paul would rip the world apart to make you happy again. “Come sit down,” you said, resigned, as you moved to sit on the edge of your bed. Paul, still holding the dilator in his hand, sat down next to you. The silence seemed to last an eternity, but you knew that the longer you went without explaining, the more hurt Paul would feel. 
“I wasn’t lying when I said it was for physical therapy,” you whispered. “I have other ones. All different sizes.” You realized you might not have been helping your case with this. 
“I don’t understand. Why do you need them if you don’t use them to get off?” He looked like a kicked puppy. 
“Well… I have this thing. It’s like… a condition? And I need them so maybe one day I can have sex without any pain.” He still looked wildly confused, and you knew you were going to have to elaborate. “When I first started having sex, it hurt. A lot. But I always heard that it was supposed to hurt the first time. So I just kind of put up with it. It was bad though. I always tapped out, couldn’t go for more than a couple minutes. It felt like this really intense stinging. Like a rugburn all inside me. And it didn’t stop, even after I started doing it more. It never went away… I ended up googling it, and it’s actually something that a lot of women struggle with. I made a doctor’s appointment and was lucky enough to get diagnosed the first time. Lots of women are told they’re making it up. My doctor gave me these dilators, told me how to use them, and said that with enough time and physical therapy, I could have painless sex one day.” When you finished, you turned to look at him. He was staring intently at the dilator, thinking. 
“So, you have to like… stretch yourself? Were you just born too small?” He phrased it delicately, but you knew what he meant. 
“Basically, it’s an anxiety disorder with very physical symptoms. My pelvic floor muscles constrict when I try to put anything inside me, which makes it super painful. It’s like an involuntary reflex. Like blinking when something flies near your face. And I have to condition my body to learn that penetration doesn’t hurt, and that it doesn’t have to tighten up like that. The condition is called vaginismus. You can google it yourself if you want.” 
“Oh.” A pause. Paul knew you had some anxiety, but he never guessed it could cause something like this. He knew you were embarrassed. He could tell. And the last thing he wanted was for you to feel like you couldn’t be open and vulnerable with him. Did you think he would leave you? Or get mad? “Why didn’t you tell me?” Was the question that came out. 
“It’s humiliating. I could tell you were getting antsy about us not having sex, and I guess I didn’t have the heart to tell you that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. This physical therapy, it takes a while. I’ve already been doing it for almost a year, and I still have three sizes after this one.” A tear fell. You wiped it away quickly, hoping he Paul wouldn’t notice, but he did. He moved to wrap his arms around you, putting the dilator back on your nightstand. He embraced you, and the reassurance that he wasn’t going anywhere was more than you could handle. You burst into tears as he pulled you onto his lap and rocked you both, rubbing his hand up and down your back. You guys stayed there until you stopped crying, and then he finally spoke. 
“Y/N, I don’t ever want you to feel like there’s something you can’t tell me. I love you. And yeah, I would love to have sex with you one day, but I’m with you because of who you are. I don’t care if we never do it. You are my person, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you the happiest you can be. This? This thing you think is such a problem? It’s irrelevant to me. To my love for you. And I will be here every step of the way, supporting you, cheering you on, until you don’t want me anymore.” He brought your hand up to his mouth and kissed it. 
“I love you, Paul,” was all you could say. You leaned in and shared the sweetest, most loving kiss either of you had ever experienced. His hand cupped the side of your face, thumb rubbing your cheek. When you pulled away, the tension in the room was gone, replaced with you and Paul’s usual light, fun energy. 
“How do you use them?” He smiled as he asked, nodding his head towards your nightstand where the dilator still rested. “Do you like… just ride them? Or..?” 
You laughed, which made his smile broaden. “It’s not a sexual thing. Basically I put a towel down, cover the dilator in lube, and put it in as far as I can without pain. Then, I just sit there and leave it for like 20 minutes. And then I take it out.” 
“So you just like... do homework while you do it?” His concerned face made you laugh again. 
“You have to make your body associate it with pleasure, so no, I don’t do homework. Normally I’ll watch a funny show or eat some candy or FaceTime you.”
He froze at this. “You do this when we FaceTime?” 
This made you blush and look away from his piercing gaze. “Sometimes. I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable. It’s just a nice distraction.” 
“No, no. I don’t want you to stop. It’s just… can I see you do it?” This question shocked you. Not just the question itself, but the fact that you didn’t hate the idea. You loved kissing Paul. What better way to associate therapy with pleasure than by kissing him while you do it? 
“Are you sure? Like I said, it’s not exactly sexual. Or sexy. Like at all. I literally just sit there.” 
“I know, it’s ok. I want to be able to help you, but if you don’t want to we can just go back to the movie.” 
“I mean I do still have to do it today.” You thought for another second, before jumping up and saying “Okay. Let’s do it.” 
Paul looked happy and excited, but also lost. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, or with his eyes. Did you want him to touch you? Or just watch you? Or just sit in the corner of the room and face the wall? You were spreading a towel across the middle of the bed, and went to untie your sweatpants before looking at him. 
“Guess we haven’t really gotten this far, huh?” alluding to being naked in front of each other. It did make you a little nervous, and nerves equal tight muscles, which means pain. 
“Why don’t you put a blanket over yourself? That way there’s less pressure,” he suggested, and you could have kissed him for it. You smiled, nodded, and grabbed a throw blanket from the chair. He turned around to face the wall while you took off your pants and settled under the blanket. 
“Ok, I’m good.” you said. He turned back around, coming to kneel beside you on the bed. 
“Do you want me to just… hold your hand? Or sit here and talk to you?” 
“Would you want to sit behind me?” You suggested nervously, leaning forward slightly. 
“Of course! Yeah, I can do that.” He took this seriously, and you appreciated that. This was a scenario you had thought about many times, and though you knew he wouldn’t be the type to ask you to have sex with him despite the pain, it was always a possibility. The fact that he didn’t take your pain lightly, and let you be in charge so you would be comfortable, meant more to you than he would ever know. Paul gently climbed behind you, putting his legs on either side of you, and hesitantly rubbing your shoulders. You leaned back into him, as if to say I’m okay with this.
“Can you hand me the… “ You nodded your head towards the nightstand, and Paul didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence before he leaned over and grabbed the dilator and bottle of lube, holding them out in front of you both. You muttered a “thanks” as you took them from his hands, and brought them under the blanket. After slathering the dilator with a good amount of lube, you closed the bottle and tossed it towards the foot of the bed, leaning back and shifting your hips down. Paul clearly didn’t want to overstep his boundaries, so he was slow and careful as he wrapped his arms around your torso, giving you time to say stop. You didn’t, though. He felt your body tense slightly as you dragged the tip of the dilator around your entrance, so he started to rub his hands up and down your sides, kissing your cheek. You turned your head to look at him, and he met you with a sweet kiss. You guys pulled away slightly, before going back in as you began to push the dilator in further. He kissed you with love, tenderness, and care, so as not to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. It was clear that you had the reigns, and Paul would stop as soon as you gave the slightest indication that you were uncomfortable. The dilator was about half way in, and you felt a slight stinging sensation, but kissing Paul distracted you. You brought one hand up to cup the side of his face, pulling him back in. 
Paul kept kissing you, waiting for your lips to part so he could brush his tongue against yours. This is normally where you would stop him, but he knew everything now. There was no expectation of more, and damn. Paul was a really good kisser. He sucked lightly at your lower lip, before nibbling it and letting it go, coming back in with his lips. The combination of Paul’s kisses, the slight heat they brought to your body, and the pressure of the tip of the dilator inside you had you shift your hips, and involuntarily let out a small moan. It was barely audible, but Paul and his super senses heard it. You pulled away and slapped a hand over your mouth, your face turning bright red. He chuckled deeply, the sound going straight to your body, and brought his hand up to pull your hand off your mouth. “Don’t you dare hide those sounds from me,” he teasingly whispered into your ear. You shivered, and Paul started to kiss your cheek, down your jaw, and onto your neck. He sucked on the soft skin, hands squeezing your waist and rubbing up and down. You wanted to try something. For the first time, dilating actually didn’t feel so obligatory, so mechanical and stiff. You pushed the dilator deeper in, just about a centimeter, but enough to give you that feeling you had moments ago. You let out a breathy sigh as you tilted your head to give Paul more room on your neck. He felt you shift your hips again, and brought one of his hands to rub circles on your lower stomach. Skin on skin. And it felt good. 
You kept going like this for a few minutes, and Paul could feel your skin grow hotter by the second. Your back was arched, your neck covered in light red marks, and Paul had the intense desire to see you unravel. He brought his lips from your neck up to the side of your face, getting as close to eye contact as he could in this position, and said “Can I touch you?” 
You knew what he meant. The thought of it made you nervous. No one had touched you without it hurting before. It was almost as if he read your mind when he followed with “I can just stay on the outside…” Oh. You could be down with that. You turned your head to him and nodded. 
“Just try not to touch the dilator,” you said softly. You trusted Paul. He was already being so kind and patient with this, and you knew he would die before he would ever hurt you. The hand that had been rubbing circles on your stomach travelled lower. Lower. Lower. Until he could feel the slight stubble of a past shave, and then your soft, wet skin. You gasped as he touched your most sensitive parts, even more so because of how turned on you were. He gently made small, tight circles over your clit, your eyes rolling back in your head as you fell completely slack against him and let out a moan. A real moan, that Paul swore he would never forget. And he made you make that sound. It only spurred him on. He applied slightly more pressure, but not so much as to overwhelm you. And he knew that when girls were feeling good, the secret wasn’t faster or harder, but to keep doing exactly what you were doing. So that’s what he did, and it had you writhing. Your moans kept coming, and your legs had started to shake. However, because it felt so good, your muscles had started to clench around the dilator, and it was beginning to hurt. 
You didn’t want to rain on the parade. It was going so well. But Paul being the attentive lover that he is, noticed you begin to tense up in a new way. He brought his hand back up to your stomach, concern racing through his brain, and asked “Are you okay? Does it hurt?” 
“It’s kind of starting to. Not you, the dilator. I think I might take it out.” You stared down at his hand still touching your stomach. Such beautiful hands. You didn’t want it to end. 
“Do you want to try a smaller one? Or do you want to stop?” He questioned. 
“I really don’t want to stop,” you laughed. He breathed a laugh as well, and waited for your direction. You had a thought. Paul’s index finger was smaller than the dilator. Much smaller. If you just told him what to do and what not to do, that could feel really good. “Would you want to maybe… Nevermind.” You got nervous. 
“Hey, hey. No. Don’t do that. Tell me what you want,” He brought a finger up to your chin and moved your face towards him. “Tell me. Whatever it is, Princess. It’s yours.” Your whole body shuddered at this. He’s never called you that before, and to say it did something to you would be an understatement. 
You let out a breath, gathering courage, and said “Would you want to… use your finger?” 
He stopped at this. “Like, put my finger inside you? That wouldn’t hurt?” 
“I don’t think so. It’s smaller than this,” you said, bringing the dilator out and up. “And as long as I tell you what to do, it could be really good,” you said the last part shyly. 
“Okay, Princess. I can do that. How do you want me to do it?” 
“Try to do more… pressure, and less… friction? Like try not to go in and out so much, but you can move it around inside.” Your face was once again blushing intensely. 
“Anything you want. You just have to promise that you’ll tell me if it even hurts a little.”
“I promise.” You said it confidently enough that Paul brought his hand back down under the blanket. He circled your clit a couple times, making you shiver and release a breathy sigh, before moving his middle finger even lower, circling your entrance. He gathered some of the lube that was there from the dilator, coating his finger, and you brought your hand down to hold it, guiding it inside you at a speed that was comfortable. It was smaller than the dilator, so he was in you in 15 seconds. He stopped, and gave you a minute to adjust. Your hips writhed again because of how turned on you were, so Paul brought his other hand down and began circling your clit again. Your head fell back on his shoulder as you began to moan again, hips moving even more now. Paul took this as his queue to press his middle finger up against your inner wall lightly, causing a loud moan to leave your mouth. You were too far gone to be embarrassed. 
“There you go, baby,” he praised. God, this was the hottest thing he had ever seen. He was barely touching you, barely moving his finger inside you, and you were a mess. He had been rock hard since you guys started, but your ass was rubbing against him as you moved your hips, and he released a small growl at the feeling. This only turned you on more. He kept moving his finger in you the same way. Pressure, not friction. Pressure, not friction. He kept telling himself this. He wanted to finger bang you into oblivion, but the risk of hurting you was too high, so he kept up with rubbing the tip of his finger against that spot on your upper wall, in a “come-hither” motion. Your moans began to get higher in pitch, your body tensing even more.
“Relax your muscles for me, sweetheart,” he encouraged, and you did. Your release was approaching rapidly, and you wanted to grind against his hand, but you didn’t want to risk pain, so you trusted Paul to get you there. You were panting, hips shuddering, face scrunched, as your climax hit you like a wave. Your legs shook as you opened your mouth in a silent scream, and Paul carried you all the way through it. You came down, and lightly grabbed his wrists. He knew that that meant stop. So he slowly withdrew his finger, brought it up to his mouth, and sucked on it. Head still up in the clouds, you watched him, slack-jawed, as he popped his finger out and moaned. “So sweet,” he purred. Watching him suck on his finger like that made you think of something you’d like to suck on, and you looked down at Paul, still rock hard, and turned around in his lap. 
“Let me return the favor,” you said with a smirk.
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babyboibucky · 3 years
Text
Obvious
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Summary: You and Bucky are more than friends but less than lovers.
Word Count: 1,700
Warnings: slight angst??? mention of injury???
A/N: Inspired by Ariana Grande’s “obvious” because I fucking love that song lmfao. Let me know if anyone wants to be included in my Bucky Barnes tag list! Will do separate tag lists for everything Bucky and Babysitting Bucky. Feedback is highly appreciated!
MAIN MASTERLIST
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You and Bucky weren’t lovers, no. But you were definitely not just friends either.
There were kisses early in the morning, while both of you were cuddled in bed basking in the warmth of the sunlight spilling through the thin curtains; soft and subtle touches in the afternoon as the two of you navigated through the kitchen in an attempt to bake together. Slow touches late at night, cold metal fingers grazing you in just the right places that made you feel like on fire. And the exchange of whispers in the wee hours of night after coming down from the high of exploring each other’s bodies, uttered so softly, words meant only for each other to hear.
More than friends indeed, less than lovers? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it matter though? Because even without the words of affirmation, you loved Bucky and was sure that he loved you just as much.
Besides, you were obviously head over heels for the soldier. Not that you were denying or hiding it, in fact, you felt like you showed it a tad bit too much.
“Leaving so soon, soldier?” You’d asked with a pout as you watched Bucky leave your side on the bed.
“Duty calls.” He told you as he began to dress up.
Noticing your frown, he chuckled and approached you on the bed, bending down to press a kiss on your forehead.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He reassured you, smoothening out the crease on your forehead with his thumb.
“But I wanna cook you dinner.” You told him.
The thought of you and Bucky spending a domesticated evening together always elated you. You loved daydreaming about it, about sharing a life with your super soldier. Him coming home after a mission and you making sure to take good care of him. Maybe run him a bath while you prepared dinner. Silly, it seemed but you couldn’t help imagining all the possibilities with Bucky. Letting him sleep in on Sundays while you go on a jog, only to come back home with pancakes and bacons waiting for you in the kitchen. And Bucky of course, fresh out of bed with his hair sticking up in different directions.
Being with an Avenger of course, made it difficult to experience all these things. Sometimes you’d wake up alone but Bucky always made sure to leave you a little note.
I’ll be back soon, beautiful.
His notes found a home in one of your drawers. There were plenty and although these notes symbolized his absence on most days, they also meant promises. Promises to make it up for the lost time, promises that were never broken nor forgotten.
Dinner dates were often postponed, sleepovers a rare occurrence— spending time together in general, wasn’t as easy as it was for other couples out there.
But that’s okay. Because you’d always wait for Bucky. You’d wait for him to come home and even if it’d take him three days, one week, two months or even a year, you’d still wait and welcome him with hugs and kisses and affectionate whispers.
Sometimes you wondered whether Bucky knew how much you loved him.
Disagreements were of course, unavoidable even between you and Bucky. Oftentimes, the arguments would stem from his carelessness and selfless decisions during missions. Your super soldier, always so giving and generous and kind. You couldn’t care less about what others thought of him and his days under the influence of monsters. The moment you knew you loved Bucky, you had already accepted him. And that included his demons and dark days too.
To you, Bucky had always been kind and put others first before himself. Sometimes a little too much that you couldn’t help but feel hurt that he didn’t seem to care how you’d feel if ever he wouldn’t make it home.
If Sam hadn’t called you that night, you wouldn’t have known about the serious injury inflicted on Bucky while on a mission.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked as soon as you barged into the medical bay, ignoring the nurse who immediately scrambled out of the room.
Bucky laid in bed, bruised and wrecked and unable to respond upon seeing you seething with anger for the first time ever.
“Were you even planning to tell me in the first place?” You scoffed.
They needed to infiltrate another Hydra base. Raid the base, get all possible information and blow it up to ashes. But then Bucky found a secret basement at the very last minute, young women and men were kept— future Winter Soldiers. The serum hadn’t been injected into their systems yet, they were merely poor teenagers in captivity. Bucky knew he couldn’t let these young people suffer the same fate as him. With barely a minute left before the bomb was set to explode, Bucky did his best to save everyone in that basement.
Never mind the Falcon’s orders to abort his mission, never mind the back-up they had called for to help them out. Bucky knew the choices he had: walk away unscathed knowing that the back-up wouldn’t arrive in time to save the children, or stay behind and do his best to make sure that no one will become another toy for Hydra to play with.
Even if it meant risking his life, even if it meant leaving you back home unaware of his fate.
“They needed me. I couldn’t just leave them behind.” Bucky explained.
“And you didn’t think I needed you too?” You asked, eyes rimmed with tears.
God, you knew you were selfish for feeling hurt but you couldn’t help it. Did it not cross Bucky’s mind that if he had died, you’d be left behind too? Did you not cross his mind during that time?
“Look, I understand what the superhero life is all about. And I know that it’s fucking selfish of me to say this but...Bucky, I need you too. As much as the world does.”
It was a conversation that you and Bucky had many times now. But with how your love grew for him with each passing second, the thought of losing him, it had become too much for you to suppress.
Waking up without his little notes of reassurance that he’d be back soon, no more cold fingers tracing against the smooth expanse of your skin and having to sleep knowing that the next day, Bucky wouldn’t be there anymore— just the mere thought of losing him broke your heart.
“I can’t...” you breathed out, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, Buck.” You admitted with a shaky sigh as your tears continued to fall.
Bucky wanted to get up and pull you to an embrace, but he was too injured to do so. How we wanted to kiss your tears away, all he could do was extend a hand towards you, inviting you to come closer and touch him.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “I should have told you, I’m sorry. C’mere.”
Despite your anger, you didn’t think twice and immediately went to hold Bucky’s hand, squeezing it tightly as if you were trying to make sure that he was fine and real and that you didn’t lose him.
“Please stop being so reckless. With how much I love you, it drives me crazy whenever you come home all wounded and bloody and now—“
“You love me?”
Bucky had asked the question as if he couldn’t believe that yes, you do love him. Sam really wasn’t kidding when he said how dense Bucky was.
“Is it not obvious?” You asked, wiping away your tears.
“I mean yeah but...I just didn’t want to assume that you do because we never really talked about it.” He explained, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb.
His metal fingers, although cold and hard against your skin, had always been your favorite. They were gentle when they needed to be, or at least whenever Bucky touched you. They were cold and made you shiver but always in a good way.
“Bucky, I’ve talked about wanting a future with you. You still didn’t think that that was love?” There was a hint of playfulness in your tone despite your deadpan expression.
Oh no, what if you interpreted everything the wrong way?
“Do you not...oh my god, Bucky am I the only one in love?” You asked, panicked.
“Oh god, no.” Bucky immediately clarified as he pulled you to sit down on the bed beside him.
“I love you. So much. Please don’t think otherwise.” He said, cupping your face and wiping away the remnants of your tears.
A smile followed by a quick peck on the lips. Bucky moved and gave you enough space to lay down beside him on the hospital bed. Suddenly, everything felt right. Not that it wasn’t before but with the both of you finally uttering those words, it felt different.
The perfect kind of different.
You laid your head against Bucky’s chest and listened to his heartbeat as his hand rubbed comforting circles on your back. You can’t imagine a life without being this close to him, your super soldier.
“I thought of you, you know.” His chest rumbled as he spoke.
You lifted your head up to look at him in confusion. He smiled at you lovingly, “During the mission. Every mission I go to actually, I thought of you.”
Bucky thought about how you always waited for his return no matter how long he took. He imagined what you’d be doing when he’d come back, would you still be asleep? Perhaps you’d be in the shower, singing. Bucky thought about how he’d kiss you as soon as he comes home, how he’d make you feel how much he missed you and your scent, how your smooth skin felt against his.
Every single time, Bucky thought about coming home to you. It was his motivation to stay alive no matter what. He knew you needed him as much as the world does.
Because he needed you just the same.
More than friends, indeed. Less than lovers? No, you and Bucky were more than that.
You were each other’s worlds.
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the-bau-quinjet · 3 years
Text
I've Always Loved the Rain
Summary: Request! Y/N can manipulate the weather, but sometimes her emotions get the best of her. What happens when Bucky brings his girlfriend to Tony's garden party?
Warnings: nothing except some angst!
Word Count: 2086
a/n: I really did have fun writing this! Thank you for sending it my way :)
Masterlist
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"Are you ever going to tell him?" Wanda's thoughts appeared in your head causing your head to snap in her direction. "You've been staring at him for the past ten minutes."
"Actually, it's only been 8 minutes. And, no. I do not plan to ever tell him because that would be wildly embarrassing, and he would hate me forever." Your own thoughts were easily heard by the witch.
Before she could try to convince you, you got up and left the living room. You and Bucky have been friends since you joined the team. Everyone, barring Bucky, has told you how you must be special because Bucky has never trusted anyone as quickly as he started trusting you.
There may have even been a point where you thought he could've possibly returned your feelings, but that was before he started dating Perrie.
"Y/N, you can't keep running away from me." Wanda called out as she approached your room.
"I'm not running. I just have get ready for Tony's party." You rolled your eyes. You've never been one for parties, but you'd rather just go than have to deal with Tony complaining about you missing it.
"Oh, you mean the party Perrie is going to?" Wanda questioned from your doorway.
"Shut up! Someone could hear you." You quickly pulled her into the room, glancing down the hall before closing the door. "I don't care that she's coming. It's fine."
"I know you're pouting, even if you refuse to look at me." Wanda obviously saw right through your bullshit.
"Wan, he's my friend. I just want him to be happy, and if Perrie makes him happy then so be it." You resigned yourself to having to watch Bucky and Perrie together. "Just, promise me you won't say anything."
You nearly begged her, knowing she didn't agree with your method of bottling everything up.
"You're my friend. I want you to be happy too." She tried to avoid your request.
"Wanda, please." You nearly had tears in your eyes. You couldn't make it through this party if Bucky knew about your feelings. "I can't think about it. Tony will kill me if I ruin his perfect weather."
You joined the Avengers after Steve and Nat found you during one of their missions. You saw the two of them trying to sneak into a hydra base, but they had no way of approaching without being spotted.
In a moment of bravery, or stupidity really it could've gone either way, you ran up to them and offered to help. You managed to create enough of a storm that they could get inside without being noticed.
When they came back out, they offered for you to join them figuring someone who could manipulate the weather would be a good teammate to have.
"Oh, Y/N." She pulled you into a hug in an effort to comfort you. "I won't bring it up, I promise." She squeezed you tightly before letting go. "Now, let's pick out an outfit that'll have Barnes regretting not asking you out."
You shook your head at her playful laugh, but agreed with her nonetheless. If this is what it took for her to stay quiet, you'd do it.
-
The sun was still high in the sky when you made it out to join the party. Summer nights always seemed to last forever, the sun not fully setting until nearly 9.
A few clouds dusted the sky, but Tony really did have the perfect weather for his garden party.
You looked around, trying to locate a familiar face. Finally spotting Nat and Wanda, you made your way through the gardens to greet them.
"Y/N, you look incredible!" Nat cheered as you approached.
Wanda convinced you to wear a pale purple two piece set. The classy lace outer layer of your skirt fell to mid calf, the lining ending just above your knee. The top was cropped to end mid stomach. Perfectly matching the skirt, a form fitting lining was covered in a flowy lace layer.
"Thank you. You both look amazing, as usual." Nat wore a black midi dress with a slit. Wanda opted for a flowery yellow dress with buttons up the middle.
You fell into an easy conversation, discussing anything and everything you could think of to keep your mind busy.
"Ladies, looking good!" Sam complimented the three of you as he, Steve, and Vision approached. Vision immediately swept Wanda away to dance.
"You're not so bad yourself, Wilson." You laughed. "Steve, you're very dapper this evening."
"Thank you. Care to dance?" Steve held his hand out for you. Knowing Sam was seconds away from convincing Nat to dance with him, you nodded in agreement.
You couldn't help but smile as he lead you around the dance floor Tony had set up. The party had been going surprisingly well so far.
"You really do look amazing tonight." Steve broke the silence, smiling down at you.
"You're too sweet." You brushed it off, looking over his shoulder as you blushed.
"I mean it." He spun you around, eliciting a surprised chuckle from you.
Your smile fell when you spotted Bucky and Perrie by the bar. He wore khakis and a pink button up, something you were certain Perrie picked out to match her pink chiffon dress.
You were shocked to find his eyes on you. He looked sort of angry, but you hadn't the slightest idea why.
"I don't know what Bucky's doing with her." Steve followed your line of sight, commenting on the couple.
"He's happy." You turned away from Bucky, heart aching just from looking at the two of them together. You tried to mask the pain in your voice, but Steve saw through it.
"He's not. He might think he is, but Perrie... she's not right for him."
"What do you mean?" You shouldn't have asked, but you craved more information about Bucky.
"She just doesn't understand him. Not like you do." Steve's words hurt you more than they helped.
"Steve, he chose her." You could feel the tears brewing. You didn't notice as the sky got darker and darker. "I have to go."
You turned to walk away from Steve and the conversation only to walk directly into Perrie.
"I'm so sorry!' You quickly wiped your eyes, avoiding the concerned look Bucky was giving you. He lightly grabbed your elbow when you tried to walk past them
"Y/N?" The way he said your name had you frozen. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I, um, I have to go." You pulled your arm from his grasp, again trying to get away.
"No, Y/N-" Bucky's plea for you to talk to him was cut off by Perrie.
"James, we're supposed to be dancing." She whined, pulling on his right arm.
"It's fine, Bucky." Your face contorted into a tight smile. "Dance with your girlfriend." Your vision blurred as you tried to push your way through the crowd.
Nat found you first, pulling you off to the side of the party and gesturing for Wanda to join you both.
"Y/N, what happened?" Natasha tried to coax any bit of information out of you. You ignored the question, focusing instead on trying to control your tears.
Your powers, although you could mostly control them, were tied to your emotions. If what you were feeling manifested itself in the weather, it was almost impossible for you to regain control.
One tear finally fell from your eyes, a matching raindrop falling from the sky.
"Y/N? Why don't we go inside?" You managed a nod, breaths coming out shaky as you tried not to completely lose control.
You were only a few steps from the main entrance to the gardens when everything fell apart.
"Y/N?" Bucky called from a few feet behind you.
Just the sound of his voice caused the delicate balance you had achieved to shatter.
Your tears overflowed, thunder cracking in the sky. The thought of ruining Tony's part only made you cry harder.
The rain fell fast and heavy instantly soaking everyone outside. You stayed frozen, listening as everyone shrieked and ran to get out of the rain.
"You guys should go inside." You spoke softly to Nat and Wanda, gesturing for them to go without you.
"Are you sure?" Nat looked past you at Bucky before meeting your eyes again.
You nodded. "I mean, I'm already soaked." The rain continued to fall mixing with the tears on your cheeks.
They each gave you a quick hug before running to get inside.
"Y/N?" Bucky called again when you still hadn't turned around.
You took a deep breath trying to prepare for this conversation before you turned to face him. He was soaked, his hair sticking to his face despite his efforts to push it off.
"I'm sorry." You whispered so softly, you weren't even sure he could hear it over the rain.
"Don't do that." Bucky shook his head.
"What?" You scrunched your face in confusion.
"Apologize for your feelings." He spoke gently as he walked up to you.
You huffed a laugh. "Well, I was more so apologizing for the rain."
"I've always loved the rain." He shrugged, turning his head up to the sky. He stayed like that for a minute just letting the rain wash over him.
"I think I've always loved you." More tears fell as you admitted the truth. You closed your eyes in an effort to hide from his reaction.
"Y/N, look at me." Bucky pleaded, but you squeezed your eyes shut tighter and shook your head.
"Y/N, please." His hand came up to rest on your cheek, the other resting on your waist. He ran his thumb back and forth over your cheek coaxing you to open your eyes.
Your eyes fluttered open despite your best efforts to keep them closed. You had to blink a few times to clear the raindrops from your eyelashes.
"I love you too."
You searched his eyes for any signs that he was lying, but all you could find was sincerity.
"What about Perrie?" You couldn't help but ask, even if you'd rather forget about her entirely.
"I broke up with her the second she whined about me trying to make sure you were okay."
"You broke up with her because of me?" Your mouth fell open, eyes trained on Bucky's. He nodded sheepishly, but maintained eye contact.
"You're the most important person in the world to me. I probably should've realized what that meant sooner." He looked down, a pink tint blossoming on his cheeks. "She was actually the one who pointed out to me that I'm in love with you..."
"She said that?" Your jaw dropped even farther.
"Yeah. It was really Steve agreeing with her that clued me in though."
"You really love me?" You felt the need to verify what you had already heard. The rain lessening to a slight drizzle went unnoticed by both of you.
"I really, really do." He still held your face in his hand, now leaning his forehead against your own.
"Say it again." You whispered.
"I love you." He said the words quietly, but the meaning behind them was deafening.
"I love you too."
Your lips collided in a passionate kiss, years of hidden emotion coming out.
The rain clouds disappeared entirely, the sun set now visible in bright shades of pink and orange.
You finally pulled back when the need for air overcame your need for Bucky.
Your smile faded slightly, eyes showing a slight fear. Bucky noticed immediately, his own nerves growing.
"What's wrong?"
You gestured to the now empty gardens.
Aside from everything being soaked, the wind did a number on the decorations. Tables and chairs were overturned, plates and glasses smashed on the ground. The lanterns that had been hung were now strew across the ground in various states of destruction.
"Tony's going to be so mad at me!"
"He'll forgive you." Bucky stated with confidence.
"How can you be so sure?" You eyed him with furrowed brows, still nervous about facing Tony.
"He's forgiven worse, Doll. Trust me." Bucky eagerly awaited the moment you understood what he was saying.
Your eyes went wide, mind blanking on how to respond. That is, until Bucky smiled brightly at you.
"You've always told me joking about it can help. Figured I'd give it a try."
The two of you burst out laughing before slowly making your way inside, hand in hand and soaking wet.
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buckylattes · 3 years
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Secret Admirer- B.B.
DON’T STEAL, REPOST, OR TRANSLATE MY STUFF!!!!
a/n-Please like, comment, and reblog!! It means a lot to me that i know anyone who reads my stuff, likes my work! Don’t be afraid to send me asks as well. I’m not currently taking requests(i’ll occasionally ask for ideas though!), but i’m always open to talk to new ppl:)
Summary: Who could your secret admirer within the compound possibly be? Tony thinks it’s Peter, you’re pretty sure it’s not. Natasha thinks it’s Bruce, but you’re almost certain it’s not him. Wanda has offered to read peoples minds to see who it possibly could be, but you want to find out on your own accord, and that comes sooner rather than later because you just can’t contain your excitement anymore for this admirer of yours.
Warnings n stuff: 18+, nothing really in need of a warning, just cute shit, this is a modern day au typa thing of the avengers n stuff, Peter is aged up in this(just thought i’d mention it)
“It’s super weird...” You mumble to Wanda at the small table you’re sitting at within your twos favorite sub shop. “I could always read everyone’s minds’ and see if they give themselves away?” She has a teasing tone, trying to persuade you into letting her, but you shake you head. “No, Wanda, i’d rather let them come clean or for me to catch them in the act.” “Okay then, are you at least enjoying it?” Wanda takes a sip from her drink before your plates of food are placed down onto the table in front of you both, then you smile, “Yeah....makes my mornings much better. Whoever they are, they’re a life saver.” Wanda smiles brightly at you, before the two of you begin to eat your meal.
Over the past few weeks, actually well over a month now, someone has been leaving your favorite coffees and baked goods at your door each morning. They always switch up the coffee, but it’s always one of your top five picks, and they switch between a chocolate chip muffin, a cinnamon bun, or a strawberry danish each morning. They also leave little notes that around about read “hope you enjoy, sweetheart” “hope this makes your morning a bit better” or “for a lovely girl on a nice n’ bright morning” with smiley faces and/or hearts usually. Your heart soars at the small messages and the breakfast provided each morning. You never get tired of it, seeing as the messages change and the food is always warm, coffee always hot.
You’ve not yet figured out who it is within the compound, but everyone knows that you have a not-so secret admirer.....you’ve all just yet to figure out who it could be. Sam likes to joke around about it, saying that whoever it is needs to get their shit together and just properly ask you out already. You kindly defend the mystery person and usually reply with “But i like the nice gestures. It doesn’t bother me” with a huge smile. Natasha often says that she’s placing her money on it being Bruce, since he’s a bit shy and such. Wanda, as always, teases you about having her read others’ minds; which of course you kindly decline each time. Tony, since Peter recently moved in, thinks it’s...well...that it’s Peter. Although you and Peter have gotten closer over the couple of months since his move in, you’re more inclined to believe it’s someone else.
But lately, the messages have been a bit more....bold rather than the usual. One has said “do something different to your hair yesterday? it looked great if you did” with a smiley face. And “sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to have your hand in mine....hope that’s not creepy”. Oh, even “sometimes i think that you’re getting tired of the same things i bring you, and i wonder if i should change it up....but then i hear you talk about how you love them, so i don’t...but i almost do” and you smiled at the slightly longer note. You can’t quite place the handwriting either, it’s kind of sloppy but not to where you can’t read it. And it’s half written in cursive, kind of lazy looking. You know it’s not Peter’s, plus...he’s held your hand before; in a completely platonic way. So that rules out Tony’s suspicions completely, right?
You walk into the kitchen, no one in sight except for Bucky and Sam sitting on the slightly big sofa facing the flat screen tv. You give them a small smile and Sam waves to you. Bucky smiles at you, but you’re so quick to turn away, that you don’t see the small blush creep up his face. Sam doesn’t either, he’s too focused on the tv. Bucky thanks whoever’s watching that neither one of you caught that little slip up.
You walk over to grab an apple, then you walk on over to them on the couch. “Anything interesting on?” You ask before you plop down in between them. Sam has the remote and Bucky has his phone in his hand, face staring down onto the screen now. “Nah, nothing too good.” Sam replies as he slings his arm over the back of the couch where you sit, eyes still glued to the screen.... comedically since “nothing too good is on”. You bring your legs up and criss-cross them onto the sofa cushion, Bucky notices every little move you’re making but decides not to stare all that much. Besides, he can’t really. Sam would pick at him for it and he doesn’t want you knowing that he’s your secret admirer...not yet anyways. Even if Sam doesn’t know that he likes you and you don’t either, clearly, it would still be obvious if he happened to stare a little too long or maybe he was to blush again.
“What’s so interesting Buck?” You ask him as you scoot a bit closer to him, peering over his phone screen. You’re not really being nosy, you couldn’t care less about what’s on his phone, you just love to be in close proximity with him. You can faintly smell his cologne, his after shave, and you can feel the warmth that radiates off of his body onto yours. It gives you a sense of comfort that you can’t quite explain but you want more of every time you get close to him. “Nothing, just uh...searching some stuff up.” He clears his throat after wards and then puts his phone away. You glare at him in a playful manner and then smile at him, “What ya searchin’ for?” You watch his face contort into panic and you lightly place your hand on his right bicep, “You don’t have to tell me, it’s fine. I’m just messin’ with ya.” You giggle, my god that giggle. He could listen to it all day. He wouldn’t mind having it on repeat like his favorite song. There’s nothing about you that he can’t get enough of. “Y/n you’re gonna fry his brain if you keep it up.” Sam chimes up, and Bucky nearly forgot Sam was even in the same room as you two for a second. But due to Sam’s add in, Bucky notices he must’ve been staring a bit too long at you or maybe it’s because he forgot to answer. Maybe it was the almost missable sweet, adoring look he gave you? Bucky isn’t sure, but now the whole moment is ruined. “Shut up Sam, god you’re fucking annoying.” Bucky grunts out before he gets up and walks out of the room, leaving you and Sam sort of confused as to what just happened.
The next morning, you wake up and do your usual routine. Stretch in bed, check socials, get up, pick out clothes that coordinate to the day, then check the door. This morning, your secret admirer brought you something a bit different. An iced coffee you’ve never tried before and a breakfast bagel. The note is on a purple piece of paper and your heart flutters. You close the door back and quickly open up the note; “brought you something a little different, hope you don’t mind. if you don’t like it, i’ll know....but you should definitely try it” with a smiley face and an overlapping heart. Your face hurts from smiling so big, but you just can’t explain the love you have for this person.
Sure, you have a crush on Bucky, it’s not that obvious though. But if he asked you out, you’d most certainly go out on a date with him and hope to make it further than just two dates. You really do like him, but there’s something about this secret admirer of yours that you fall a little more each time they write you a note, or switch up your order. They really take the time out of their morning to do such of things just for you, and it makes your heart swell with love and joy. “I’m sure i will like it....” You mumble happily before you place the straw into the cup of coffee. You take a nice sip and then your eyes light up. Just the nice mixture of coffee, mocha, and caramel. Not too much ice, just enough, and the sweetness isn’t over baring in anyway. You quickly unwrap the bagel and take a bite out of it. You immediately hum at the taste of the deliciousness and you know the person who’s your secret admirer has to know you like no other in order for them to get you such good tasting things.
Now you’re sorta thinking it’s Peter even if some of the notes don’t make sense completely, specially the hand writing on them. Or maybe it’s Natasha? Maybe it’s even Steve? Your mind is bouncing all over the place now. You stare down at the note for a few more seconds as you chew your bagel, then it hits you. “Maybe....i should get up a bit earlier to catch you tomorrow? Yeah....because clearly you’re too shy to make a move in person, and i can’t wait any longer.” You say to yourself. You then pick up the small note and toss it into the bowl where you keep all of the other notes, and you go on about your morning; eating your bagel, drinking your coffee, and then getting ready for your day.
“Wait...you are?!” Wanda asks slightly loud and her hands clap together. You laugh, “Yes, i am. I need to know who they are.” “So, how’s this going to work? You can’t just sit outside of your door in the morning. If they see you, they’re not just gonna walk on up and give you your shit.” Wanda then props her head up on the palm of her hand as she looks at you. “That’s why i’m going to wake up thirty minutes earlier than usual, wait inside by the door, and when i here footsteps at my door, because obviously there has to be some type of sound from their shoes, i’m going to open the door and catch them.” You take a sip of your smoothie as Wanda takes in your plan. “Okay........sounds good. But what if you don’t hear their steps?” “I’ll be listening, trust me, i’ve got this.”
The next morning comes around, and your alarm goes off thirty minutes earlier. You struggle to get up, hitting snooze once, but then when you remember your little plan, you hop out of bed, nearly dragging the covers with you. You make sure your alarm is then turned off completely and head to your door. You slide down the wall and sit on the floor, patiently beginning to wait for your secret admirer to arrive with your daily coffee and breakfast.
After what seems like an hour, but is only around twenty minutes, you hear slight shuffling coming from just down the hallway. You stand up and place your ear to the door, careful to not make any noise while you listen to see if the steps get closer. To your luck, they do. You smile from ear to ear as the footsteps come to a halt at your door then you hear the slight shuffling of a paper bag. This is your chance y/n, c’mon. You think to yourself.
Your hand flies to the knob and unlocks it within a second, and you swing the door wide open. Bucky almost stumbles back at the sudden scare from you whipping it open, but he manages to stabilize himself. “Holy fuck- y/n what are you doing up?!” He asks in a slight whisper-yell, his eyes showing a bit of panic but also worry. “You’re my secret admirer?” You ask him, dodging his question, and his face instantly shows a blush as he looks down a bit to avoid your gaze. He shuffles the bag in his right hand and adjusts the drink carrier in his metal hand as well. You then look at his hands, two coffee cups in the drink carrier, the small, white bag you had heard moments before shuffling about, and the same purple notepad paper is in between the two coffee cups; that’s all he’s carrying. “No....” Bucky looks further off into space, at anywhere but you, and you giggle. “Come in, we can have breakfast together.” You offer and his eyes instantly lock with yours. “You’re not....upset?” Bucky asks you and you frown at his words. “Why’d i be upset for?” “You probably expected someone else, so i just didn’t think you’d actually be happy to see me.” You roll your eyes at his reply, then you gently grab his arm. “Come in, Bucky. Eat breakfast with me.” You give him a heart warming smile, and fuck...he can’t say no to that, so he walks in with you.
You two sit and eat your breakfast. He got you a different type of bagel but the same coffee he got yesterday. “I hope you like the change up in food.” “Of course i do, i love it.” You reply before taking another bite of your bagel. “I’m glad, was really worried ya know?” “About?” “About everything. How you’d react when you found out it’s me, how you’d react about the change in food. Just everything, i wanted it to be the best for you.” Your heart flutters at Bucky’s words and before your mind even has a say in what you do, your hand is on his right one. “Would this be a good time for me to tell you that i’m glad that it’s you? Honestly, i didn’t think it was you, but the handwriting should’ve been a dead give away.” You laugh and he rolls his eyes. “Is my hand writing that bad, doll?” “No, i like it. It’s cute.” You then take another bite of your breakfast bagel and he smiles. “So you’re glad it’s me?” You nod at his question as you chew. “Does that mean....instead of me bringing you breakfast in secret every morning, we can start having it together, and then...if you want....i can take you out to dinner?” Thank Thor that you just finished chewing your food when he asked that question, because your excitement can not be contained within the moment. “Yes! I’d love to Bucky!” Your arms wrap around his neck once you spring up from your seat and have placed your bagel on the wrapper, and then his arms wrap around your waist in a loving hug. “Is the bagels and coffee still a go, or do you want something else?” “Honestly, i don’t really care what you get us as long as you’re the one that’s gonna bring it to me, and you’re gonna eat it with me. That’s all that matters, Buck.” And neither one of you could be happier with that decision.
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