#sometimes I feel like my rambling is silly or annoying but! I'm always trying my best to fight against those thoughts and this asky-

[chrolloluvr]

How about cuddling headcanons for Adam, Mammon, and Alastor? I'm in need of snuggles.

♡ Mammon, Adam & Alastor Cuddling Hcs ♡

Note: YESSS I LOVE SNUGGLES!!!! And ty for requesting, so here are my thoughts! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Female!Reader, AFAB

Warnings: Sexual themes, thats all!

Mammon ♡:

Always the big spoon. He is super clingy, but only a few times will he ever little spoon.

When he is a big spoon, he likes smelling you. I know it sounds a bit strange, but he likes your natural scent. So he will sniff your hair, neck, etc.

When he is rarely a little spoon, he will just lay there while you wrap your arms around his neck. It looks silly since he is so large, but you two manage to make it work. (or atleast he forces you to)

He comes home really late at night. So he thinks your so cute when he comes home and find you asleep without him. So he will place you on his chest and stomach, and fall asleep with you.

A little secret between the two of you, he likes when you baby and coddle him. Like telling him stories, etc, But if you ever mention it to anybody else, he will go full on ballistic on you.

He likes to use your boobs as pillows. If they are big or small, he just likes laying on your chest. It helps him fall asleep easier, even though he is an extremely heavy sleeper.

His favorite cuddling position is you laying ontop of him. He likes how easily he can see you, and how he can touch you, and run his hands over your warm body easily.

If he is upset, all he wants is your hands massaging or wrapping around his (nonexistent) neck :(

If you try to get up, he wont let you. He'll trap you in his four arms. Even when he is asleep he knows whenever you are about to get up. He wont let you get up to even go to the bathroom, so you might as well just pee your pants at this point. He has a certain reflex.

"Nooo stay.... five more minutes, cmon sweets...."

However, if he needs to move, he wont hesitate to get up and just let you fall.

He prefers if you are wearing less clothing while cuddling. Not like fully naked, but in a bra and underwear. He likes how your in a relaxed state. Him on the other hand, he will sleep fully clothed. He likes to feel your natural warmth, since he is naturally cold.

He also likes trapping his head in your thighs. They are nice and warm for him, and sooo comfy. Like if you two are watching TV, or if he is rambling on about basically anything that annoys him- (which is everything at this point)

Wont make anything sexual unless you initiate. Its not like he isnt horny (trust me, he is quite a bit), But he just gets lazy sometimes...

Cuddles in his webs. He will make a cute little fort for you out of pillows and webs to make you comfortable and eased for him if you are alone.

He hates when people try to get in his way of you and your daily cuddles. Will drop anything and everything to cuddle with you.

His favorite places to cuddle are on his big webs at the stadium, or alone in bed. He wont flat out cuddle you in the webs, but will get very comfortable.

He will have you snuggle up to hip, one of his left arms on top of your head, the other around your waist.

Overall, he is stubborn when it comes to getting his way during cuddling, but he makes it somewhat enjoyable.

Some things he will say:

"Babe, c'mere for a second. I need your company right now, hm?"

"Awh, your such a good girl, you're so cute layin' on me like this"

"Just gonna take one photo, hope you dont mind sweets...."

"Your gonna let daddy lay on your thighs, yeah?"

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Adam ♡:

Switch between big and little spoon. Also super clingy, even more so that Mammon. So he always has to be touching you in some way.

When he is big spoon, he likes resting his head in the crook of your neck. It relaxes him to an extent, since he has ALOT of anger issues...

When he is little spoon, he likes to feel you hold him. It makes him feel safe with you, and like all of his problems are lifted.

If you try to get up, he will start complaining and whining like a child.

"ughhh noo babe... come back...god damnit..."

His favorite cuddling position is you laying face up on his chest, with one leg up like this. Because he likes to see all of his favorite assets.

Speaking of assets, he likes your ass. Grabbing it, especially in this position. He will run his hand over it with one hand, and give it the occasional slap.

Or he will put his hands down your shirt/bra and just cup your breasts, and leave his hands there. Not even moving them.

Another one of his favorite ways to cuddle with you is by laying his head on your ass. He will literally just lay there, and act liek nothing is wrong with it. Like before bed, watching TV, he will even make you do it if he is in his office.

His favorite thing to see you wear when cuddling is an oversized t shirt w/ no bra, and panties. He thinks you look cozy, and a plus if you wear one of his shirts. Or one of his robes/any of his clothing.

He is a super heavy sleeper. He snores really really loud. You literally have to use an airhorn to wake him up. He also sleeps with his mouth hanging open.

As I have said before, he will somehow turn everything sexual, including simple cuddling. You could by nuzzling into him all cute, and he would start to run his hands in your panties. -_-

Hes a chatterbox. Even when he sleeps, he sleeptalks. He will blab on about his day, how annoying some people are, how sera is a real bitch-

SO you physically have to cover his mouth with your hand.

Does not like taking his mask off, but you are a rare exeption. He just feels so comfortable around you, and he loooves the feeling of your hands raking through his hair. It gets him to shut up really fast.

But overall, he is actually really enjoyable to be around, especially when cuddling. Just don't get too attached, because then he wont leave you alone.

Some things he will say:

"Please? Lets just lay down for a bit babe, im tired."

"Ughhh just stay do you have to go to the bathroom every 5 seconds?"

"If you leave im gonna be very upset y/n." :(

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Alastor ♡:

Always the big spoon. He just likes the feeling of you laying with him, and being able to hold you innocently.

His favorite part about cuddling is feeling your skin flush again his. He in general does not enjoy being touched, but by you? You are lucky to be considered the only exeption.

He likes when you play with his ears sometimes. Most of the time he wont let you, but when he is feeling docile he likes feeling your fingers rub and scratch the base of his ears. Never his antlers though.

Or when you rest your head against his chest. He cant help but bring a hand up to your back and affectionately sooth it.

If you try to get up, he also will not let you. Unless you have to go to the bathroom, he will accompany you since he is a gentleman. (in his mind, that is a gentlemanly thing to do.)

"Sweetheart, do you need to get up? Here, let me join you."

His favorite position is the classic hold from behind. He sleeps with his eyes open, so it helps if you are not scared by him and facing away...

He enjoys holding you affectionately, and being so vulnerable around you. You can also hear gentle radio static that sounds like white noise.

Places he likes to cuddle are his bed, chair up in his radio tower, and on the couch occasionally. And only if he is sure nobody is around.

Alastor is a very private person, especially with you. He prefers to keep his love life and cuddling activities secluded.

His favorite thing to see you wear is a silk robe, either red or white. He thinks you look elegant and very attractive to him. He likes the feeling of the silk against him, which soothes him for some reason.

He never takes cuddling and makes it sexual. Even if you were to initiate, he would play dumb and act like he doesn't know what you are trying to do. He just hates ruining he moment with his darling.

Meaning he takes snuggling with you very seriously. He will drop everything to nuzzle up to you. He acts like it doesn't faze him, but really it does in only a way you can do.

Here are some things he will say to you:

"Darling, how about you and I relax for a little bit? It may ease your nerves."

"Sweetheart, are you asleep? Oh dont you just look adorable."

"Hm, how about you get up now? Its been a little while, my dear."

So overall, snuggling with him gets you really relaxed, but he has a make staring problem if you don't mind...

#hazbin hotel #helluva boss #mammon x reader #mammon x reader hb #hb mammon x reader #mammon #mammon x y/n #adam x reader #mammon hb #alastor x reader #alastor x y/n #alastor hazbin #alastor x you #adam x you #adam x y/n #adam hazbin #mammon fluff #mammon x you #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel fluff #helluva boss x reader #helluva boss fluff

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Thanks for your response. I was the anon who ended the ask with 'the fandom can suck it'. When I saw that anon who you and twinanimatronics had assumed to be the one that keeps you know starting shit with you, I really hated that they labeled us as shipbrain or whatever they said. I am aroace who finds comfort in shipping characters and that doesn't make me any less aroace. Can't people like them just let us have this, let us share it and stop taping our mouths? God. We are not even hurting anyone. I posted a solarxmoon and solarxearth mini comic thing yesterday and behold, I believe that same anon found it and is looking adamantly through the solarxmoon and even solarxearth because I didn't use the tsams tag for my comic. I took the comic down fast and turned off anon messages so quick because God that anon was quick to leave nasty messages, six in total and that was panic attack inducing. I'm sorry for rambling about this. I don't know anyone else who got that same anon on their back. It looks like they are persistent for lack of better term and it annoys me+scares me. Can't even share things I like about here anymore. Hoping solarxmoon becomes canon so that anon can shut up already

If Solar Moon became canon, they don't even need to change anything.

The actors don't even need to pretend to kiss or be romanically involved at all.

It's literally as simple as "Oh yeah, we were dating for months, anyway..."

OH AND... FUCK THAT ANON. I know the user you are talking about, I think there's around two or three of them... and it seems like they're dead set on hunting down people who use that Solarmoon or Solar x Moon tag.

Going into popular users in the tsams fandom that I personally don't know... and spreading bad lies and rumors about me.

Like, they typically try to keep it as vague as possible, like "oh I am not talking about dana-chan-the-control-brain specifically....." but they often steal the exact wording and turn of phrase I use.

Cause I have an overly wordy way of talking on the internet.

I've always been this way since I was 15, so I feel my style of speaking is pretty overly wordy, rambly and long compared to most people just because I don't have a lot to share with my opinions with in real life. And I also misspell things a lot cus spellcheck has gotten worse since it became AI trained and it doesn't help my dyslexia.

But how sad is that? That someone is searching out the tag for a ship that they don't like, claim that "it's everywhere" and I'm "poisoning the fanbase" when I'm just.... here... playing with my own dolls, doing my own thing.... and not bothering anyone... Not even putting the ship in the tags publicly because I have Such respect and love for the silly little youtube show, who also plays with fnaf characters like they're dolls.

(just saying.. "bio-organic" and interdimensional travel did NOT come from fnaf I can tell you that much. )

And yeah, if they're really stumbling across Solarmoon or these ships on accident.......Blacklist the tags and move on? Don't come to my messages... Don't harass my friends...

And don't harass other people I DON'T EVEN KNOW because someone just said "hehe but what if they kissed" on the internet?

Like blocklist the tag, and move on.

I know the blocklisting tagging system sucks sometimes, so maybe it's picking up "Solar" like in that case? Just scroll super fast and don't look at it?

And yeah. You don't deserve those nasty messages sent your way at all!

Oh, and if you feel brave enough to reupload your art to tumblr and DM me, I will gladly reblog it here. <3

#danachan's rants #danachan's replies #danachan's asks

[boyfleshripper]

Now I want to ramble abt my favorite enemies. Gr. I could talk all day abt how much I enjoy masks dude. While I don't really find them scary I always feel slight dread when I'm on my own and hear footsteps and no talking to go along with them. Hearing them giggle or sob while they walk around is also just so.

Coilheads are also fun because I never process them fast enough when I'm on my own but I still process ENOUGH to get an Oh no! Kind of reaction out.. Process too slow to turn around but process fast enough to be like WAIITT! As the pitter patters rapidly approach . I love their weird little slappy feet and how they go doiiingg ! As much as I get mildly annoyed when they show up at inconvenient times I really enjoy their designs in like. All aspects. I love how they're a weeping angel you can actually hear, and also how fucked up they look . Along with how they kill people and the fact that their bestiary says they're mannequins. Do you think they make people look like them because they aren't supposed to look like that? Like. Maybe they were normal mannequins at some point. Idk.

Skipping rambling about the jester because I will actually be here all fucking night typing .

Brackens are so fun because they have the most personality methinks and also they can. Really put you on edge. Or they used to put me on edge before I saw them in the same light as like a weird lost cat. Lol. I love how even from a far distance you can make them out cuz of their little eyes and the slight horrified feeling when you were just with a friend and turn around and they're gone with nothing left but a blood trail. So fun!!! They always appear with coilheads for me and I find it fun figuring out how to manage both .. Even though it usually ends in me dying to one or the other. I love brackens stupid little crawl too ah. My favorite. I always try to catch them crawling cuz its so cute. They are so cute!! Their stupid little growl and their leaf shake . I HAAVE to pet one . My god.

Nutcrackers finally my beloved. I love how silly they ar. Theyre the least scary things on the planet dude . They're just so funny in all aspects like how they can just walk straight past you and also how they kick players. So in love with em. I love how they sound as I mentioned previously as well. Love their stompies and their music . Both jester and nutcracker have music I like to sit and listen to like. So much so I forget I have to live sometimes. Nutcrackers so cute I want to hug them I do not care if they kick me so hard every bone in my body shatters. They ar. Heart emoji.

Thank you all for listening to my dumb rambles . My lethal fixation is so strong I could actually talk nonstop abt these critters for hours but I chose not to for the sake of everyones sanity. Like I'm so insane even my parents have vague lethal knowledge . My mom apparently likes the bracken and my aunt likes nutcracker . I was going to draw nutcracker for her but I cannot be normal about that thing . Ok sorry end of ramble . Thank you tumblr for being like a diary its the best thing ever . Post textpos

[dootznbootz]

Hi! I want to know more about the Water wife, I´ve a really small understanding of this take on Penelope and i wANT TO KNOW MORE!!!!

Thanks for being so kind! 💙

I WILL HAPPILY

(understand that these are just headcanons/my ideas and I'm very silly)

Go through the tag of #my headcanons if you want more stuff though honestly, as...I write a LOT about her.

Not gonna lie, this is a LOT of rambling. Also certain things I won't say as I DO plan to someday write Odypen's courting and I want the readers to "fall in love" with her ALONGSIDE Odysseus. We already know him. But the Odyssey kind of keeps a lot of her intentions/sneakiness hidden on purpose because she's just as much of an enigma to Odysseus as the Narrator in a way. (it's one of the things I love so much about her). I hope to write her in a way that "reveals" HER as well.

Honestly I'll try and tag all my stuff with her with Water Wife (maybe without tm because...that was just for the silly and it's sometimes annoying to dig up the emoji thing on computer)

I take a lot of liberties with everything "nonmortal" (demigods, nymphs, etc.) because honestly it's just genuinely fun to write about plus I'm neurodivergent :P also have chronic pain, so I like writing SOME of my gals doing athletics. Mostly just Penelope and Helen being SUPER into it while other women have some activities they like. Ctimene for example, likes running and Anticlea woodcarving (who Odysseus learned it from)

Also silly thing, but one thing I always try to keep in mind is the idea of "A lot of people write women just reacting and not affecting" and I feel like people think Homer and other Ancient Greek Authors do that when...No. They write very dynamic and complex women. Penelope isn't JUST "sobbing" when the suitors are there. If it weren't for her schemes, she'd be married already. BUT NO!!! She's so cunning and held them off WITHOUT physical force!!!

"She should've killed them-" YEs! BUT there are also the political implications of that and xenia to consider!!! Literally at the end of the Odyssey, Athena has to calm everybody down!!! She couldn't do that without even more angry people coming at her!!! rtdyfugh ANYWAYS

I also take "likeminded" and sprint with it. For every shitty/wonderful thing Odysseus has done, she's rooting for it or would do something similar. They're as full of love as they are full of hate.

These two are that "evil couple" sometimes. She's sitting in his lap and they just humiliated someone publically and laugh at them and then they start nuzzling noses, giggling.

She's prideful in many ways as well and she's not against throwing someone under the bus if she needs to and WILL blackmail. You're afraid of snakes and she doesn't like you? "Oh my gosh! What do you think of my new snake necklace?"

She's pretty reckless often in her youth (Her and Odysseus both got that Adhd swag). For example, in my one fic's first chapter, it mentions how she ate a catfish that is making her sick. She rushed in and wasn't even thinking about "...Hey, isn't this one kind of weird?" She was pretending she was fine at first when she clearly wasn't as she doesn't like showing "weakness" (plus adrenaline). Also as she just gave birth like, 8-9 months before, she's in a weird funk of feeling strange about how her body has changed a bit despite recovering very well (water helps!). She's soooo happy she took the "beast" down. While sick, she knew she was reckless and mad at herself.

She's actually closest with Helen probably. Her siblings are a bit older than her and as she was born in a creek and quite smaller because of it (Naiads being affected by the waters they were born in) she got teased by some other naiads for quite a while. Helen is also, a little shit, in her own way so these two loved doing silly shit often. (Penelope, Helen, Menelaus, Castor, and Pollux, were this very strange little squad of kiddos who just...did random shit. They each have scars and knicks from their silliness (except Helen and Pollux))

Some of the scales she has on her arms and one shoulder, dry out quicker, from one of the times older naiads got a hold of her and kind of ripped at them :'D "Puddle girl"

It's something she carries with her in a way and when her water breaks with Telemachus, she hides it at first being like "Hey, let's head towards the caves!!!" until Odysseus realizes and he's so frustrated and upset with her has to scoop her up. (her stubbornness and recklessness) He scolds her after everything calms down like two weeks later.

Funny enough, I've had this idea for a LONG time even before I watched the 90's Odyssey. Odysseus just gives that vibe of "I'm not fucking leaving." don't he?

Odysseus: I can't believe you did that. The Canals were closer, Penelope- Penelope: I know but he'd be so much stronger if he were born in the caves and he is. AND I'm fine!!! I'm actually doing very well.

She hates bracelets. She usually ends up breaking them from messing with them too much.

Athena technically spoke with her first before Odysseus but Athena was WATCHING Odysseus for a longer time.

She's really close with her parents because her eldest sister got married quite young and her brothers are in the military. She goes running with dad often (let me have this) and she enjoys swimming (ofc), running, and pankration (Idk why I think it's really neat but I do)

She's got a scar on her temple that is kind of hidden by her hair from when she got washed away once when she was little (the scars she DOES have are because of her own novice attempts at healing, otherwise she doesn't have really any) and she's got a little crook in her nose, something she's self-conscious about as it was one of her first times "setting bone" with water and so it didn't end up perfect. It's not too noticeable but of course, you notice your own flaws more than others. (When she finally allows Odysseus to kiss her face, he immediately places a little kiss on her nose.)

There's...SO many more but yeah. a lot of basics.

#honestly for behavior? If you're thinking “that's something Odysseus would do.” then yeah. she MIGHT do it a different way #but she'd want the same result #Water Wife #Mad rambles #shot by odysseus #my headcanons #ask #aaronofithaca05

[xinkrustardew]

hii, since you're open to requests could you write something about shane making the farmer cry (accidentally) because he's having a bad day and he says something a little too harsh? the farmer could be a little silly and annoying, but they're sensitive too. it's totally okay if you don't want to, i was just thinking i would like to read something like that ❤️

I can absolutely do that!

Enjoy! (Fic under the cut)

"Sometimes you're a lot to handle! Ya know that!?" Shane blurted out without even thinking.

The farmer froze when he yelled. All they were doing was rambling and poking at Shane to try and get him to pay attention. They weren't expecting him to snap like that.

Shane on the other hand wasn't expecting what he said to make the farmer upset, let alone cry. He looked annoyed as he gave the farmer a silent annoyed glare.

The farmer nodded weakly, their eyes glazing over with tears. Shane's eyes widened seeing that, he didn't want to make them cry. That wasn't what he meant to do at all. 'now you've done it, Shane, good going..' he thought to himself.

The farmer brought one of their hands up to their face and tried to hide it as a few tears fell. They scooted away from Shane as they sat on his bed together.

Shane immediately retaliated and tried to move to sit back beside them again. "Woah, woah-" he said as he carefully pulled the farmer's hand away from their face. He saw how red their face was as tears were falling.

He had been so mean to this poor farmer in the past, did they always react like this? How many times did he make them cry in the past? He'd question, feeling bad for ever having done so.

Shane's hand moved to the farmer's cheek and carefully wiped some of their tears from their face. "I'm sorry" he murmured.

The farmer sniffled, not exactly making eye contact with him. "Do you really think I'm too much?" They asked, almost as a whisper.

Shane sighed to himself before pulling the farmer close to his side and rubbing their back. "...no. you're not too much. I just-" he paused, quietly thinking how to phrase his next words.

"I just don't think before I speak most of the time. I don't like being poked at very much and I was already having a rough time today. People keep just getting on my nerves and I guess sometimes I can't handle it." he shrugged as he tried to explain. The farmer leaned into him as he wrapped an arm around them.

"you could've just told me you were having a bad day and needed to be left alone, you didn't need to yell at me.." they sniffled as they wiped their face.

Shane didn't respond at first, instead he turned and carefully pulled the farmer into a hug, rubbing their back and holding the back of their head. "I'm sorry" he said again.

The farmer closed their eyes, burying their head in the man's shoulder as he held them.

"thank you for apologizing" the farmer replied softly. Enjoying the warmth, comfort, and protection that this big gruff man seems to be giving them.

#stardew valley #sdv shane #shane sdv #stardew shane #sdv #shane x farmer #shane stardew #stardew valley shane #stardew valley fanfic #shane fanfic #all aboard the shane train

[crispycreambacon]

🪱 Intro Post: Take 2 🪱

Mellow-Yellow-Welcome to my art blog!

My full name is Chris Pycream Bacon, but you can call me Crispy! Others have bestowed upon me Chris P, Chris, Christopher and Bacon which I very much welcome.

In here you'll find, well, art! Not just from me but from others as well because sharing art is caring. I also sometimes post reviews, opinions or just jamble-tamble-rambles.

You can find me in other places, namely in AO3 where I post my writings and another Tumblr blog where everything is a little less organized and rambley :P

This is an inclusive place, so POC, LGBT+, disabled/neurodivergent and non-Christian people are welcome here!

If you are discriminatory towards any one of these groups or are just a contemptible being, you're getting the boot :}

With that out of the way, you can learn more about me and find my tagging system under the "Keep Reading" section!

I love drawing anything from comics to illustations to OCs to fanart. I just draw whatever my heart desires at the moment. One day, I'd love to be an animator or a comic artist, but I'm open to whatever art career welcomes me with open arms!

Other than visual arts, you can find me indulging in writing, singing, acting, listening to music and yelling about whatever interests me in the moment. I also have two cats named Takoyaki and Sashimi, a dog named Miso, and a dinosaur plush named Dinosara that I adore very much!

I'm a non-binary trans person and am very annoying about it in a silly way :3 I'm also a bisexual aroace in a queerplatonic relationship with the most specialest, most girlypop fish in the world <3 (Arden if you're reading this HI HELLO WELLOW!!!)

Here are a list of tags to keep things organized!

#chris p fried art - My art

#chris p fried rambles - My commentary

#chris p fried writings - My writings

#artists cooking gourmet - Art made by other artists

#chris p fried doo doo - My shitposts

#chris p fried answers - My answers to asks

#people frying stuff - General posts made by other people

#clowns burning the kitchen (affectionate) - Funny posts

#a nice warm soup after a long day - Wholesome posts

#alphabet soup matters - LGBT+ posts

#important - Awareness posts (Can potentially be triggering; view at your own discretion)

I try my best to trigger tag posts. If you'd like anything to be tagged, feel free to shoot me an anonymous ask or a message, and I will do so for you!

Feel free to interact or reach out! I'm not always the best in responding on time, but I do my best :>

Whether you're here for my art, my rambles or just wanna have a chill time with the funny demon, I hope you'll enjoy your stay! ^w^ ~ ☆

#meet the artist #intro post #blog intro #introduction #artists on tumblr #artblr #end of the year post babyyyyyyy #art #digital art #chris p fried art #EDIT: I DIDN'T MEAN TO POST THIS HELP????? #OKAY I GUESS #IT'S PUBLIC NOW LET'S GO 💀💀💀

[cinnamon-todd]

neutral - jason todd x f!reader

a//n: i was jus in a silly goofy mood... this has not been proofread, just felt like writing tbh. i will start being more descriptive with my tags and warnings bc I realize I am stupid for not doing so.

warnings: none?

summary: jason being a good friend to the reader, letting her rant about her love life but hey there's a surprise for her!!!!

"its hard, sometimes..." she mumbles quietly, barely audible to the man next to her.

they sit adjacent to each other on the swing set, a nice feature the Waynes had added to their backyard.

the weather today was neutral. not too cold, not too hot. it came surprisingly to the two adults as yesterday it was pouring rain, Gotham's usual weather. but today it was neutral. the wind blew strong enough to move their calloused hair, but not too strong to be distracting or irritating that they had to make their way back inside - it was neutral.

"i know, you've mentioned that like 10 times." his snarky comment made her look up in annoyance.

she was met with his playful smile, and she tried her best to bite her smile. "you just know how to push my buttons, todd."

"hey," he nudged her shoulder, "one bad date doesn't mean the rest of them will be bad."

"no," she huffs, "but i dont even wanna bother with it, its exhausting."

he nods, unsure what to say next. she took this as a cue to continue, "I am in no interest to look for it, yet I still have this urge to find it. I'm always disappointed when I find someone who is willing to try it, but..."

find the right words, why arent the right words coming to her, why is she stumped.

"but?"

"but im not sure. as much as I can say 'the right one will come along', I'm not even sure if I want the right one, or even yet, know if it'll ever come."

"yeah,"

"its just so confusing, conflicting, just downright annoying." she continued as her best friend listened attentively. "I'm just so on the fence about it all. somedays I can be all for love, other days I just don't want it at all."

"Understandable."

"is it?" she asks, facing the man once again. he studied her face, confused, afraid, unsure. "I feel like there's something wrong with me. why cant I at least try?".

it wasnt a question, she didn't expect a response, but as the good man Jason Todd was, he gave his honest opinion.

"well," he clears his throat, "maybe that's the thing."

she looks at the man with a quizzical look, encouraging him to continue.

"maybe the partner that you need is someone who understands all that. someone that can respect it, someone that knows it, and expects it."

she looks down at the bark that lays as a flooring for the mini playground. unsure where he was going with this, she knew Jason would always be honest with her, but sometimes its hard to listen to the truth.

"you are someone who is always on the fence, very indecisive." he continues, "you are someone who doesn't need to be guided, but does enjoy it when someone gives their opinion because lord knows your judgement isn't the best."

"Todd..." she says sternly.

"hold on, lemme finish..." he says, "its sounds like to me that you need someone who you are comfortable with, that you've known a long time. someone that has to be very patient with you."

she nods.

"you hate to rush into things, yet you are very last minute with most things." they chuckle at the truth. "but that's what makes you, you."

she smiles at the end of his ramble. she knew Todd was one with words, yet he did surprise her with this number. "Thanks, Todd."

"Im not done yet," he says causing her to look up confused, what more could he add?

"you need someone like me,"

"Tod-"

"you dont have to say anything right now," he cuts her off, "I just want you to know that I like you, a lot. I understand that you are someone who can feel very overwhelmed, anxious, and so many emotions."

"but i hope that you know," he takes a deep breath, "that I understand that."

#jason todd x reader #red hood #imagine #fanfic #batman #writing #jaybird #jason todd x y/n #batfamily #dc #dc robin #writer things

[draculagerard]

unacceptable. i ADORE talking to you and seeing your on my dash/in my inbox

You're SOOO funny. like a broad range of humor imo. you're sometimes a silly goofy little guy, sometimes you're my friend teasing me (in a way that's never hurt my feelings!), sometimes you're a tired babysitter (cough, cough, randy's sticks). you get the beat that goes with humor and ur jokes always at the very least make me smile

you're SOOOOOO nice. not just to me. it makes me SOOOO happy to see you interact with other mutuals (or ur mutuals sometimes) because you're always super fun and sweet. and then when i'm in that seat i'm always super at eas because yeah this guy's not gonna like. be a dick :3. he's super nice actually! also this is like, normal and expected, but i feel like i can talk to you and change the subject when talking to you (which why is this important? it's just one of my insecurities and my irls aren't the best at letting me talk so that fact i feel alright with talking to you is rlly nice :3)

small mention that you're like super creative and skilled and you get colors and pacing and all that super well. ur art, ur amvs, hell ur theme rn are always BANGERS and i'm so happy to see them

i love when you ramble to me about any of your interests! even if you're telling me something that isn't particularity wild. maybe it's just be i adore listening in general but your way of talking (well, typing but. blah specifies don't matter) keeps my attention well and makes me happy to see you in my dms. and while i may bully you a bit for your interests they're always pretty uhmmmm enthralling? feels weird to use "interesting" to describe and interest because like yeah that's the point

as far as i know you're such a good person!!! not only because i like..agree w/ u about everything. but just bringing back the point of "sweet" with this but you just seem so kind!!! and very smart! i think you can be very media literate but also have fun with fanon and shit which i admire (i wonder why.......[looks at block list])

uhmm i don't mean to like. repeat myself but really the fact that i don't feel judged by you is fantastic. i rlly struggle with the idea that i'm annoying or like. "cringe" but like even if i didn't think you were like. also weird i think i still wouldn't feel judged uhm. in summary ur rlly nice and kind and funny and smart and i love seeing you on my dash and there's plenty of other things i can list if i gave myself more time to think but i've been ignoring the fact i'm hungry rn so cutting it short to eat. yadda yadda your great and i think you deserve a lot more in this world and so stop being mean to urself that's my friend that i'm fond of. blah. uhmm uhh derri already claimed kuromi so this is us

also other ppl are fond of u btw. i find it hard to believe that you don't make a lot of other people smile. also a tip!! try looking at yourself like you're not yourself y'know? i'm under the belief we're all always so mean to ourselves because it's easy to not feel guilty about it. but like if you were someone else and you called that person a friendless burden then you'd feel bad because nobody's a friendless burden y did you do that. y'know??????? also this is rambley because i'm hunger personified rn, bye bye :3

LOVE YOU HAZ…..

#I would give a long thoughtful response but this is like. so genuinely nice I’m rendered speechless…. #read this three times I’m… aurghigh …. #god…. you’re so nicey this is so nice I’m emotional #haz #moose asks

[autemis]

wait wait wait hold on-- you have to share those Daddy + praise kink headcanon with us I NEED IT

What have I got myself into again 😅 but okay, I'll try. Even if my thoughts are still very vague.

First of all, a few general headcanons I have about Law and Sanji:

- Law is totally possessive (I mean, he literally stamps his symbol on everything he "owns". The man definitely has a problem.)

- I think Law in general is not really that physical-contact-guy.

- Because of his past, Law finds it hard to let someone get close to him. But if it comes to it, he would do anything to protect that person.

- Sanji has a praise kink. (I've noticed that many people have this impression. Probably it's because of his past?) In a harmless way, like towards his friends -he is euphoric and happy when they praise him- but also in a very sexual one. As it is the case with Law... But that's Law's own fault... kinda... we'll come to that later.

Well, now to the actual topic: What I actually would find kinda funny would be if the discovery of these kinks were actually just the consequences of a joke.

For example: Zoro once overheard two teenagers calling Law a "hot daddy". Zoro then makes a joke out of calling Law Sanji's "daddy". I'm also pretty sure that when Nami overhears this, she just joins in for the fun. At some point Law will get it too. Which of course makes Sanji very uncomfortable. But then he notices that Law is not averse to it. Rather the opposite.

On the other hand, Law notices Sanji's praise kink just by watching him all the time. He notices how red Sanji always gets and how happy he smiles when someone praises him. Since Law also wants Sanji to look at him like that, he starts to praise Sanji for harmless little things.

In the end, I can't really say or explain where Law's Daddy kink exactly comes from. Maybe because a "daddy" is someone who protects? Someone you look up to and listen to? I don't know. Only Law seems to have that answer. Maybe it will be cleared up at some point. With Sanji- I can imagine that it's just clichéd, because of his daddy issues.

(It's been going on like that in my mind for a while now. The whole thing is just the random result of a joke gone wrong, or an attempt to annoy Sanji a little. (Also from my side! It all started as a joke in my head. I was just thinking about how to embarrass Sanji for fun and then boom, daddy kink!) That's why I think even the two boys would be cool with it and tease the other once in a while.)

At the end I just want to get rid of a few other random thoughts:

- Law calls Sanji "princess" out of frustration, because sometimes he behaves very silly. Later it becomes a real pet name, which Sanji has more or less learned to accept.

- Things get so out of hand that Nami starts buying Sanji matching clothes. Shirts that say things like "daddy's princess" or something like that. I'm also more than convinced that Sanji will end up with at least one pair of panties that say "Daddy's property" (which is like the fulfilment of Law's wettest dream I guess.)

I hope this answer is even close to what you were hoping for! Unfortunately I tend to ramble a lot, which is why I often worry about missing the point. So... sorry for this long text.

Whew... I'm starting to get the feeling that all my thoughts are just about Lawsan and Sanji. Maybe I should stop trying to portray everything in such detail...

#this headcanon is dead

[ladyxskywalker]

I know a lot of people have been following this personal life saga with me for a while now, listening to me ramble on about b; the updates have either been annoying, beautiful, or complete chaos. an emotional roller coaster of me basically trying to navigate new feelings, & a partner who at times I can't fully understand. most of you friends have been team pxk's personal well being & have supported me fully with this entire thing from the start. I really can't thank you enough for listening, for offering messages of kindness, support, & even the hard truths, tough love that I didn't realize I needed. sometimes I don't really have someone to talk to about this & it just helps to shout into the void. even if I feel totally silly for it.

there are some happy things that I do wish I could talk about, that I want to tell someone about - but after a very confusing time within the last 2 wks, I feel like a total crazy person to even consider feeling joyful about anything with him. he still continues to surprise me in ways I could have only wished for. he's been very upfront with me since the rough times, gaining alot of clarity with some very hard in person talks. learning more about him & why he is so hesitant about moving forward with us. things on his end that he feels like are one huge mess that he doesn't want to drag me into. how he doesn't want to rush into anything because of past trauma & now current grief. possible struggles with mental health that makes him scared. a bittersweet look in his eyes that is just full of love & his own torment at the same time. a balance of moments of comfort & happiness whenever we are together again, holding onto one another in silence.

I can't fix everything for him. but despite all of this, I feel like he came to me at a time when I had just healed from being completely broken by losses of my own. as if the universe was listening to all the things I would quietly daydream & cry about before going to sleep every night.

I will never be able to explain how this feels.

the parts when we go to the park by the water at night, looking up at the moon & wishing on it together.

him spinning me around on the baseball field where he plays, putting his hat on me & kissing me in the dark.

the way he touches my face, kissing me with both hands as if I'm going to disappear forever.

how his blue eyes glisten into grey in the light when he looks at me, the beautiful tears that well up into his eyes when he tells me about his dad - bonding over simple things that mean a lot to both of us.

I hope that whatever happens with us, that I will always hold onto these incredible memories, the good kind that reminded us both of why we fell for each other in the first place.

either that - or I'm just crazy. romanticizing things in life too much, or feeling everything too deeply with my whole heart.

I hope that the anon & friends who have spoken with me recently about all of this don't hate me for saying any of this either or think that I'm stupid

sorry to everyone for spam rambling here xx just late night thoughts

#pxk rambles #falling for b 💌 #feel free to ignore 🌸 #sorry for spam posting #shit so just realized the read more thing didnt work sorry

[ipoddymouth]

Wait bestie I want to know your thots on the matty healy being problematic thing he’s said a lot of weird/offensive stuff for sure but apparently some of that stuff is supposed to be satirical/ he’s an edge lord or whatever like the n*zi salute thing he did and it’s not a good thing to do no matter the context but I feel like it’s probably more harmful to call him a n*zi when he isn’t actually one it’s probably better to call that action antisemitic than a whole n*zi no?

wait gjargigjag you just basically summarized my thoughts but imma ramble more under the cut

i dont think matty is actually, truly, deep in his core racist or a n*zi (i'm also p sure he's given enough interviews explaining himself and his political ideologies bc he's annoying and never shuts the fuck up) BUT he also does say a bunch of shit on the side that doesn't help his case.

i think intent is a big issue in society in general bc it's like 'are you saying this shit to be funny? or are you saying this shit to be mean?' and people don't ask that question anymore. i remember when ariana dated pete and he made that joke about manchester and people were like 'he's disrespecting the dead!!' and, like, i can defs see where people are coming from for sure, and i can also see why he was like ???? in response to the backlash because his attention clearly wasnt to offend.

i will not lie and will fully admit that i am SENSITIVE lmao and there are some jokes in standup sets that i will straight up 😐 during bc i cannot separate the words from intent sometimes but im not going to say bill burr is a rape apologist or whatever because i sit and watch my silly lil 'offensive' robot chicken episodes without batting an eye. the problem with humor is that there will always be a faction that makes certain people uncomfortable. and that's okay!!!! not all of us (me included) need to watch cumtown or red scare because we will not find it funny!!! there's one drag queen who's yt videos my boyfriend cant watch bc he thinks she comes across mean even though i think the jokes hit!!!!

and to your second point i agreeeee like im black and grew up in a p white area so obviously people have said some SHIT to me, but that means you have to learn how to distinguish between someone being intentionally racist or someone being ignorant. i think matty says shit he thinks is funny because he's trying to be funny but the jokes themselves don't hit and just come across as....bizarre? rude??? multiple -ists???? but then he tries to explain himself and people (strangers to him) are either like 'fuck u this isnt sincere' or are just like 'but youre still wrong and horrible' and he just gets frustrated and deletes his socials in a lil baby fit gjlragjaglgj. and not to be a white apologist lmao BUT i kinda do understand why people turn to that 'anti-woke ideology' bc if every time i said something with poor phrasing and someone i didn't know called me a racist n*zi i'd probs go ape shit too.

there are real, actual n*zis like in real life who are actually trying to hurt people and people are pulling out all of their big gun ultra-bad labels for some scrawny boy band dude???? like what are we supposed to call the actual n*zis???????? like i l i t e r a l l y have seen a neo-n*zi rally down the street from my HOUSE and thats fucking TERRIFYING and they're just snatching up more people because of all of the culture wars bullshit

[but like to note im not saying that people need to be forgiving and understanding every time someone says something that pisses them off. some people need to be yelled at!!! they need to know they are wrong!!!! people should just be aware of the impact their words have. matty's words have made A LOT of people straight up hate him, but at the same time, some people have probably seen matty get called a n*zi and are now like 👀 bc the bar to being considered h*tler seems kinda low.]

anyway tl;dr racism is a spectrum, words have meaning, and we don't know these people. but if matty really is a racist and im wrong then i hope he chokes!!!

ALSO i am an adult and am not in the business of defending other adults so like im not gonna argue with someone if they think matty is racist. i am not doing dirty hit pr for FREE

#didnt edit a single word of this so i hope it makes sense gjrlagjg #also if you tell me matty is racist im not gonna argue with you glajglge #like go ahead and think that! #i dont know that man!! im not gonna bend over backwards for him!! #anyway thank you for letting me hit you with a #poddyrants #matty healy #taylor swift

[genshinimpactlife]

helloo ^^ may i request for a matchup please? it's my first time ever requesting something so i hope i'm doing it correctly ;;

anyway, my pronouns are any but i usually go by they/them,, i don't really have any preferences so go wild ig ^^ i would like a sfw one please.

hmm, where to start,,, i'm someone who is very dramatic with their actions. i've been told that i look like "an anime character" with the way that i move, always making eye-catching movements for even the littlest of things. for example, when throwing away something, i drop it into the trashcan with my hand hovering above it at quite a distance, watching as it descends into the pit of the trash.

i enjoy a multitude of hobbies which i partake in on a whim. they can be completely random and unrelated to each other but in general, i'm someone who is open to trying new things as long as its fun.

when it comes to personality, i'm someone who hides their more nasty and "vicous" side from strangers, showing a more friendly and nice side. hiding their true intentions behind pretty lies. when it comes to friends, i have different groups which know different parts of myself but none know of my "full personality", if that makes sense.

i like to people's first impression of me one of fear because i get to control how it goes from there easier (at least how i see it).

on a less edgy note, i enjoy making deez nuts jokes and stupid puns, the dumber the better.

i dont stick to one style of clothing, usually choosing what to wear based on how i feel. sometimes, i'd go with formal wear and the next i'd go with something the complete opposite. the way i choose what i wear can be described as "chic" going for a middle ground between comfort and style.

usually, i'm drawn to those who can make me laugh, someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously but knows when it is time to do so. of course, someone who's cold, your average ceo-type is also my kind of person. jumin han from mystic messenger is a good example--i like how cute his gap moe is between being a serious businessman and a silly man obsessed with cats

anyway, this has been too long and i've rambled on quite a lot. thank you for reading this far and take your time ^^ thank you again !

I would match you with...

Wanderer was icy and distant before the two of you started dating, even when he began to have feelings for you.

He didn't fear you even if you tried initially, but that made him interested in you, and he kept coming back.

He rolls his eyes at your jokes and acts annoyed by them, but he secretly loves them.

He wouldn't have a problem with your more vicious and nasty side, as he could be like that too.

Wanderer is surprisingly funny in a dry humor kind of way. He's always making you laugh with his out-of-touch attempts at jokes.

He switches between being more serious and relaxed with you.

It would take a lot of time for him to open up, and no doubt it would be the same for you.

I hope you enjoy <3

#Genshin impact #Genshin impact matchup #Genshin impact imagine #Wanderer #Wanderer imagine #Wanderer matchup #-Rosesmatchups-

[mariska]

heyyy um i got a few new followers from, im assuming, the general population migration from twitter to here in the past few days and i just wanted 2 give the new folks a lil welcome greeting so.....welcome 2 my Home Page if u are one of those people im glad u like whatever i have to offer on here lol ✌️ idk how many people are completely new to tumblr in general or how many are like, tumblr users as well who either used both and decided to stick with this one over the other or are returning because of how batshit horrible it is Over There At The Bird Shit Site rn but just as a general bit of information, this has been my "personal" blog since i was 13 in 2010 so there is definitely not any kind of concrete theme or specific type of stuff i post, i've always used it pretty much as the one online social media site where i feel like i can actually be my authentic self, so sometimes i do unintentionally ramble about random stuff on my mind or a really bad day i've had or frustrations having to do with my disabilities; i did a lot more of that as a teenager and it honestly became Not A Great Coping Method for me at the time so i try not to info dump about negative stuff in my personal life on here like i did years ago, but unfortunately because i do have a lot of overlapping issues with both physical, neurological and mental health sometimes i'm just having a real bad day and this blog ends up being the only place i feel comfortable enough in the moment to rant. i just figured it's worth mentioning in case anyone is bothered or if that is a potential trigger for other peoples' own individual struggles, these days if i just really need to get something off my chest and feel like this is the only place where i can do that it's usually regarding medical health problems/symptoms that i'm not coping well with.

i think a few people may have followed me/found this blog from my 'as seen on my disney princess tv' posts that i like to do on here, so if you are one of those new followers, hello and thank you so much for encouraging that fun hobby of mine!! i mention it every once in a while but if you're new here you wouldn't know obviously; i am always super happy to take suggestions or requests for specific movies/shows/media that people would like to see me play on the pink princess tv and make a fancy photoset of, so i will always be open to requests for that whether its by sending a message in my inbox, leaving a reply on a post or even just like, tagging my username on a post for a specific piece of media and being like 'you should make a tv post for this', feel free to do any of those if u would like to!!

one last thing for this post i promise, this one is more of a request of my own and it's largely out of my control but i wanted to quickly say it at some point; i've never used twitter for any amount of time more than like 5 minutes 10 years ago (and a throwaway account i have for the purpose of making lobby note sketches in Splatoon games since u have to post them to twitter to put them in the game which is very silly to me), so i'm very unfamiliar with the general 'thread' type post format that seems to be the norm on there, but in this past week my blog here keeps getting "mentioned" in posts that have nothing to do with me by people i do not know because its a one word pretty widespread first name, and im not mad or anything about it, but it is really annoying honestly and i know nobody is doing it intentionally so i just wanted to let folks know: if you use the @ symbol in pretty much any text on this site except like, the tags of a post, and someone's blog url/username exists on here, it will tag that user in your post (including instances like replying in the comment reply part of a post that you didn't originally post yourself) even if there's more to the username before or after the part with an active url in it (for example, one instance from this week i got unintentionally tagged in started with 'mariska' and then had an underscore with some other words past that, so my account was automatically tagged and i got a notification that i was mentioned in a post even though it was just that first 'mariska' section of the username). i just wanted to ask everyone who may not be used to the different format style of posts on here vs shorter twitter threads to be aware of that Being A Thing, because it's already happened quite a few times and i do get notified of it every time i would very much appreciate not being brought into random posts via unintentional url mentions and i will most likely just block people if it continues to happen because i'm legitimately concerned that at some point it could end up being a case of my url being mentioned in a post or reply that is actively triggering to my mental health or includes disturbing content or something like that, thankfully that hasn't been the case so far, but just please double check that you aren't tagging a tumblr user in something before you post or reply; a good way to know if you unintentionally have done that is if the word typed after the @ is like, a lighter gray than the regular black default text, and also if you go to post something and you're not sure if someone's blog got tagged in it, an easy way to check is to first save that post as a draft (there should be a click/tap drop menu next to the 'post' button on both mobile and desktop versions of this site, if you bring up that menu it'll show a few different options like 'save as draft', 'add to queue', etc) and then go into your account's drafts and see if the post has that light gray url mention link in it, it should un-link the tagged person if you do something like adding a space between the @ and the username or using a backslash before the username like @/examplename.

sorry for the super long random post about all that LOL, i think i'll probably type up a much shorter and easier to read introduction post to pin at the top of my blog in the very near future, but in the meantime thanks for checking out my lil 2020s geocities homepage lmao 😌✌️

#long post

[lizzyflowers]

Dear Anna,

Sometimes when i think about you i always think about what kind of lip oil or lip gloss i should buy or wear. I wanted to get those strawberry flavoured ones so i can lick my lips and get sick from eating too much edible lip gloss.

But it's actually because sometimes i just want to come up to you and kiss your lips, and cheeks and just see the messy pastel pink or red lip gloss all over your face. So that whenever you eat strawberries you'll remember me kissing you.

I want to shower you with love so much just so that you can remember that someone loves you just because they do, that's me, i'm that someone.

I hope i get to save up money and buy frilly dresses with ruffles and laces just so i can twirl in them and ask you if it looks pretty on me, and i know you'll always say yes because no matter what i wear you'll always find me beautiful and those words always make me smile and blush no matter how much i hate everything about myself.

I always love to dance and i hope one day i won't jolt or feel too ticklish with your hands on my hips or waist so we could properly dance without us stumbling and falling to the ground. But i honestly wouldn't mind if we fall on the floor because i know we'll laugh too much to focus on dancing.

I hope that one day you'll be able to pick me up without me automatically making my body heavier because i'm not used to it and i'm too ticklish so that when you try the first time we'll both fall and laugh just like when we tried to actually dance together.

I hope that whenever we watch a movie or an anime series you'll let me snuggle up to you just so that you could wrap your arms around my chest and waist because i love the feeling of you holding me and i know you love it too because were both touched starved dummies that crave physical affection.

I love it when you ask me to praise you and i always tell you how i am so proud of you no matter what you are doing and i love it when you do the same to me when i'm feeling sad and you tell me that no matter what happens you'll still love me because were both suckers for words of affirmations. I love knowing that you'll never be shy of asking me those things because you know i will never judge you for it and that i'll be happy knowing that you can be vulnerable with me.

I always smile when you get me something and i always have the urge to bombard and shower you with gifts but i'm too broke to get anything fancy so i just cook for you and get your favourite foods because i know you love them as much as i love you.

I like to call you at random times and sometimes at night or late in the early mornings and i know when you have internet you'll always pick up no matter how late or how much it annoys you, because you told me that even when you are annoyed you always enjoy listening to my voice and being in my company even when i am so far away from you.

I always look forward to seeing you in person because i barely see you in person because we live a few hours away and we don't have our own cars yet so we have to rely on school holidays to see each other. You have to ask your mother if you could go to my house and whenever she gets worried that you'll "trouble" us i always persuade her to let you go. I get all excited whenever i see you in the parking lot and i'll run up to hug you tightly because i'm afraid that if i'll let go you'll disappear.

I know it's silly to think like that but you know why i think like that, sometimes i wish i could just hold you and kiss all your problems away. I remember moments i have with you that all of our problems seem to just disappear and we'll just have each other in those moments where nothing else mattered. I hope that one day you'll hold me and kiss my scars, telling me that you'll still love me despite them. You'll listen to me ramble about silly things like star signs and us being the sun and moon or whatever it is about because you'll always listen to me no matter what it's about.

I hope you know how much i use sun and moon tropes to compare it to us, how you'll say that i'm the light in your darkness and how i'll say you'll light up my night with your light. How much i want you to call me your sunshine while i call you my starlight. Maybe that's just me daydreaming again but you daydream as often as i do really, if not more.. Every time i think about these thoughts i'll come up with fake scenarios in my head i can't help but smile and giggle, kicking my feet like i'm a high school teen falling in love with my childhood best friend. Funnily enough that is what's happening. I thought falling in love would be sending messages that you love them with really no other evidence other than your own words. I wish you were my first love so i wouldn't have to know what heartbreak is like. I wish you confessed to me first instead of a random person that didn't know me well so that i could experience what real love was, not false and unkept promises and hidden lies. But no matter how hurt i was, what happened happened and i'll keep healing from it until i'll finally be okay. I know you'll be here no matter how many times i've cried or ranted about her. Because i know now that i have you, and nothing else will make that any better than it already is. I love you, so so much. I can only hope that this love stays forever.

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐋𝐢𝐳𝐳𝐲♡

#sapphic #A love letter from me #to you. #i love you #writing #writers on tumblr

[anxiousxdreamer]

a long rambly-bullshit middle-of-the-night thinking about myself thing

it's 1am this is not put together intelligently i am simply Typing Thoughts

there is a little girl in my past that was so vibrant and loud and who loved and laughed and played and was so DETERMINED to be proud of being weird. She wrestled with her dad, sang with her mom, and fought with her oldest sister every five minutes. She got FURIOUS whenever people were "rude" about her middle sister.

I think about her and see color and joy and confidence, and I wonder where the hell it all went. I mean, not ALL of it, I see some of the building blocks of how I am now, but it's like at some point I tripped into a hole and never really recovered.

I used to wrestle with my dad. Me and Oldest Sister both. It was fun, it was silly, it was innocent. Now I have to tamp down disgust just at like, his hand on my shoulder, let alone a hug. I thought for so long that I was just developing some weird back-specific aversion to touch. Turns out I just need to feel fucking safe about whoever is doing the touching. Not even my ex, who for the longest time I thought I trusted, could touch my back very much. Living with my partner now has me realizing maybe I really, really did not trust ex.

I used to sing with my mom. She used to sing a lot. To wake me up, to put me to sleep, just along with her CDs, in church, in a different choir-thing, anything. That... changed. Obviously at some point she stopped putting me to bed and waking me up of course, but like... that kinda disappeared for a while. Especially after my grandparents died. I know, she was depressed, that's why, and she's definitely doing better these days (still has depression but yknow) and I'm not around her nearly as much (adulthood lmao) but I still miss her singing. Not enough to step foot in a church tho XD

I used to fight with my oldest sister all the damn time. Over any damn thing. I thought she was "trying to be mom", she thought I was being annoying and obstinate on purpose just to ruin her day. I understand, these days, how a 12 year old might find a 6 year old UNBEARABLE to be around. I even worked up the courage to tell her as adults that I... feel like she hated me. She says she didn't, and I don't consider my sister a liar at all. I still don't believe her. I mean, I do, but I don't. I try to compartmentalize it. At 12 she may have SAID she hated me and meant it, while really not meaning it at all and really she just wants a moments fucking peace lmao. I don't remember her ever saying she hated me. And yet I feel it. I DEFINITELY remember her calling me annoying though, in a conversation with my grandma where grandma called me a brat. Thinking about that it's possible she didn't mean that in a nasty way, (sometimes people just call kids "brats" as if it's just a casual synonym), but I'll never know now. I doubt my sister remembers, and my grandma's dead.

I just kinda internalized that I am very hateable.

I've always been the "justice department" in my family. My father absolutely fucking hates it, as far as I'm concerned, given his need to comment on it every time I bring up something wrong about the world or like even just talking about a fact I know like "this thing has racist origins." All this is to say that when I was a kid I got VERY upset when people very obviously othered my middle sister. At the time I called it rude, nowadays I'd call it usually abelism with the occasional "that five year old has clearly never seen a wheelchair before but that's not their fault." Being also five just meant I didn't realize not every kid has been around a disabled person since they were born lmao

I don't really remember a lot of the space of my life between being maybe-six and high school. I remember discovering Bakugan, Phoenix Wright, and the Nancy Drew games on youtube and having something I loved that I could engage with all by myself. I was in cyber school in middle school, and only homeschooled before that. Somehow I had become a much angrier kid, but I was really happy to watch Yugioh (and have my first experiences with fanfiction because of that one in particular). I wrote a fanfic of Shugo Chara for a 7th grade short story assignment. The only critique I remember was the teacher pointed out "hey, why is the dad suddenly approving? maybe you could add something to show why he changed his mind." To me, it was obvious, Main Character I Don't Remember The Name Of proved she was GOOD at singing and he decided it wasn't stupid anymore. He decided her passion wasn't worthless because she proved she was good at it. I definitely see now how that was not obvious, and it could have easily been fixed by even just a line of dialogue from him (it was 7th grade I won't pretend like it would have made it GOOD).

I spent SO MUCH time in my room. At some point I stopped really having friends to just... isolate in my room and obsess over shows and anime and lets plays. I HAD friends before, I went to a homeschool co-op and had a best friend and was friendly with some other kids, but once I switched to cyber school and stopped going I just... stopped talking to them much. I started to get really annoyed by even my best friend and just kinda dropped her. I've been beating myself up since I was like 16 for being such an asshole for doing that, but now I'm starting to wonder if I was just fucking depressed. Every time I lose touch with a friend, I remember deciding not to talk to Liz anymore and think I'm just repeating an awful piece-of-shit cycle. Obviously I'm a horrible person who doesn't actually care about his friends because I out...grew someone who... was my best friend when we were kids. Huh yknow I think I just made a connection to something in a show I'm not going to name ajfhajsklgsdj

Anyway,

i'm tapped out on fuckignnnn thinking goodnight

#Dreamer's day #no seriously this is random bullshit

[kanene-yaaay]

YOU ARE BY FAR THE MOST SUPPORTIVE MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY HANDS DOWN. SO PLEASE LET ME SPEAK ON BEHALF OF US ALL. YOU ARE AN ANGEL. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE THE BEST. Your fics. IMMACULATE. Your rambles and tags- ADORABLE. Take that glitter out of your pocket and sprinkle it above your head you star! I love you! We love you! Drink water, take care of yourself! I appreciate you so much

How dare you to come here and leave me without words after such lovely and kind message? Gosh, I literally have no reaction aaaaa aagavgagjwgwfwhw. I am incredibly soft rn, okay? Gimme a b r e a k

Thank you. For real. Thank you very very much. That words mean a lot to me.

I luv you too, dear! Your blog always brings a smile to my face because you're just fabulous and great and cool like that. Don't forget to take of yourself as well, okay? Drink water, have a snacc, think about something nice and sleep well, okie?

💛

#I wish you to receive back all the good things you are sharing and more! #Because you're brillant and lovely and kind and you! #<333 #LOOK STAHP I DUNNO HOW TO REACT HERE I JUST WANNA HUG U AND MY PHONE AND *Loud sobbing* #I am glad you like my fics and my rbs!!! Like really really glad #ALSO YESH GLITTER 💛💛💛💛💛 #Thank you for checking in I am still SOFT #Kanene's Askys #Askys #Fav #remember #sometimes I feel like my rambling is silly or annoying but! I'm always trying my best to fight against those thoughts and this asky- #-This asky already helps a lot 💛 #ticklepinions is precious #very very precious 💛💛💛