#someone percieved me as a guy!!!! like i am not really a guy but someone percieved me as one and it fucking ruled!!!

[snekdood]

Ppl gotta understand that just bc you do x thing because you're mentally ill, doesnt mean your actions dont have the same effect if you weren't. Like if you've been manipulative to your friends, you cant get mad at them for not sympathizing entirely with you when you go on about how they dont accept you for your mentally ilness. Regardless of your reason, you were still manipualtive, you fucked with peoples trust. Theyre still gonna have trust issues about you even if its bc of whatever mental illness you have.

#im not saying its cool for them to abandon you but cmon. you have to consider sometimes other people and what they can handle #bc if you keep manipulating your friends or whatever theyre gonna get used to being manipulated and expect it from other people #whatever the case. people have limits. your friends have limits. im not saying theyre always justified. im not saying your friends are #never abliest. but they do have limits. and if you're yelling at them all the time about being perfect or whatever you cant exactly #be surprised when they dip out. #like for example. im a p aggressive and angry guy. clearly. if youve seen any of my posts. #ive always got something to rant about. and while im not quite as much like this irl its still a thing about me. im very very vocal about #whatever injustice i percieve happening to me or others lol. but i can understand why me being intense and angry and ready to throw hands #at the drop of a hat would make some people want to avoid me. i understand it makes some ppl feel scared and unsafe. #its not something i try to do. i dont try to make ppl i like feel unsafe. i try not to be that way around ppl w those kinds of issues #but im not gonna throw a fit and be like 'you guys are okay with bpd until i get really really angry and call you a cunt' #like... uh... yeah. i dont blame ppl like that for dropping me entirely if im getting angry all the time around them and it triggers them #and i dont seem to stop or be able to stop. #sure its not great. sure i dont want to be as aggressive and angry around anyone let alone ppl afraid of that sorta thing. but this is #the current state of my being. its something im working on. and i can understand why some ppl cant handle me right now as i am. #idk. just. shit like that man #another example. im hella hella HELLA bad at communicating via technology. unless you're in front of my face my mind just forgets we were #even talking sometimes. this naturally will cause issues. how am i gonna get upset at someone for being mad i stoped responding #in the middle of a conversation? sure i didnt mean it. this is purely unintentional. however that doesnt change the fact of my actions. #it doesnt change the fact that that person might feel unwanted. i can apologize day and night but until i actually try to be more attentive #of my phone this is just gonna keep happening yknow. how is it fair to get mad at other ppl for getting mad at you over that?

[drbased]

i am highly spiritual, and yet we have almost identical beliefs about humanity, religion and its organization, etc. save for the conclusions it brings us to. just found this really interesting, honeslty.

In the nicest possible way: no, I don't think we have almost identical beliefs. Or rather, I think we have one primary difference in perception that changes the entire nature of our beliefs.

One of the accidental problems with language is that it can make connections and associations between concepts that aren't really real. For example, we have tras claiming that aspects of your personality, mannerisms, hairstyle etc. are all an expression of an internal sense of gender, which is retroactively justified as real through the existence of those characteristics. It's a tautology, but it's a potent one, because those characteristics can add up to something deeply personal and individual, which isn't communicated easily. One person's 'qu**r identity' can be entirely different from another person's 'qu**r identity', but due to the simple existence of the term they can find a percieved similarity of experience that wouldn't exist without it.

This relates to spirituality because I think what's happening here is that the word 'spiritual' is being used like the word 'gender'; that is, an extra layer of meaning is added to the human experience that is retroactively justified by the existence of those human experiences. In this case, the nature of spirituality seemingly being discussed is a sense of profundity and awe.

The primary dispute is one of perspective: as an atheist, I say that actually, the concept of 'profound' is an entirely human construction. Things aren't built with a natural sense of 'awe-inspiringness' that we as humans simply tap into - but rather, the emotion is generated inside us in response to the neutral things that are already there. It's a seemingly minor shift in approach, and many would feel is a nitpick, but I think it's accidentally become the crux of this whole argument.

This is why many spiritual people think that atheists 'hate humanity' and 'are cold and unfeeling' - they percieve the world to be inherently spiritual; that is, consisting of an inexorable quality that humans should be able to experience, so anyone not claiming to recognise this quality is simply denying their own humanity, their own senses, as well as denying the profundity of being: the two are inexorably interlinked. I can see where this argument comes from - we, as humans, tend to naturally feel 'cleaner' after a wash, we tend to fell happier after having laughed etc. etc. and if we don't feel these things, either there's something supposedly 'wrong' with us, or we're denying those feelings so we get to feel superior in some way. And don't get me wrong, the classic 'reddit atheist' is like this - the kind of guy who says that your pet cat don't feel love when they nuzzle you in the morning. There are definitely people (men especially) who want to feel above any and all sensory-based human emotional response.

But.

My primary argument is that things external to us (and some internal) do not have any inherent emotional quality; any emotions I generate in response to them are my own personal, fallible and fragile appreciation for them, generated within my brain in response to stimuli. This may sound less magical, and that's the point: laughter generates happiness because it's an evolutionarily important pro-social tool. Washing makes you feel 'cleaner' because it's evolutionarily important to avoid disease. There's no intrinsic nature to these things that we tap into; the emotions and subsequent meaning are generated by us. If someone managed to figure out what 'love' is in humans and found out that animals don't show 'love' as we know it - well, regardless of how much of an asshole he is, that atheist above would be right. But it shouldn't be earth-shattering because 'love' does not need to be some quality inherent to nature to have meaning and value - our version of 'love' is purely human, and whatever our pets do may not be 'love' by our standards, but something speciifc to them.

This argument is ultimately immaterial unless we can demonstrate for faith-based thinking can result in harm. And unfortunately, this is how people end up getting manipulated by churches and cults. The sense of awe you feel in a crowd of thousands of people listening to music and services doesn't exist in the ether - it's deliberately manufactured explicitly to generate that feeling inside you. So this isn't just an argument about correctness; this is an argument about harm.

Why do you think churches are built that way; it's easy to think of them as just inherently magnificent, but that is just the limitation of the way our language constructs adjectives - 'magnificent' is given the same linguistic weight as, say, 'squishy' or 'spiky'. But 'magnificent' is a value qualifier, not a neutral adjective; it's something that requires an internal sense of judgement - but due to the power of emotions it can feel real, perhaps more real than pricking your finger on a spiky thing. Religion has a tendency to place reality into a secondary level of importance; god/the universe is what's more 'real' than us. This is a hierachy; it places our subjective experiences and values as merely a conduit for something more real and meaningful than we could ever be, than we could ever imagine (and, if you think my argument is cold and male and misogynistic, then I like to remind you which of the sexes loves hierarchy). And this is hierarchy that is absolutely ripe for exploitation.

No, I do not think that spiritual/religious belief is a guarantee of exploitation, nor is it the only source of exploitation - but a tendency to see your emotions as merely a conduit for some universal truth means you will be much more easily persuaded to into believing things based on your emotional perception, and the kinds of people who want to persuade you are typical doing so to gain something; not always something sinister, but it certainly can be.

Too many spiritual people want to have their cake and eat it too: they want to skirt over arguments of correctness and harm and jump straight to accusing us of denying our senses - when what they actually mean is that by denying our senses we're denying reality. But when we claim that actually we're perfectly capable of listening to our senses, we just call these things 'awe' and 'profundity', they turn around and say 'that's just what spirituality is! you're just like us, just in denial!' When we say that our emotional experiences are not spiritual we mean it; this isn't 'agreeing on most things' - this is an entire shift in perception. My senses are mine, and the meaning I generate from them is mine. Those sense are a fallible product of evolution, and the meaning I generate from them is also a fallible product of evolution. But that also means that the profundity has a new origin, and this is ultimately less safe and comfortable than from some external source I can rely on; the profundity comes from the terrifying realisation that these things just are, with no invisible connective tissue outside the bare reality of cause-and-effect. That isn't inherently profound, but I make it so through my own human ability to generate meaning. And as that meaning is mine, therefore the responsibility for it is mine.

#my writing #atheist posting #anon

[squishyteri]

*Deep disappointed sigh*

I was thinking that I'll be sitting here at this time, writing about finishing another amazing drama, but instead I'm sitting here, absolutely baffled and beyond dissapointment and confusion.

What the hell just happened? That what what I've asked right after finishing the final episode of DFF. And the worst part is that I will actually never know what had happened.

Honestly, the drama started getting worse in episode 10. That was a whole mess (I've written entire post about it, read HERE ). Episode 11 was good in a terms of what it gave us, but it was at very wrong place. It was truly bad choice for the pre-finale ep, that was supposed to build up the tension for the final ordeal, so this Tee backstory felt anti-climatic.

And today, the finale came and it felt like I clicked on the wrong show. Am I really watching DFF? I asked in disbelief. I just couldn't believe what I saw.

I try to go one by one.

Starting with Fluke. That was actually the part I liked. He was the bywatcher. He just watched. So it was really good choice to let him stab his eyes out. But I hated that he didn't even know about it, since he died (most likely) while still being high on absinth. I HATE the choice of having him die. Him living blind, not being able to be a doctor would be such a great punishment for him.

Top ... Well, first of all, how are you still alive, buddy? But given the amount of people (1) that took way too long to die, I guess people in DFF universe are just slower at dying from very obvisouly fatal wounds. Him killing himself and taking Fluke with him was okay, I guess? I mean we know NOTHING about Top, so how could I know what is in character and what not?

Tee and White. Oh boy. I knew right away that us getting the emotional backstory of Tee is not a gift, it would come in an exchange of an inevitable traumatic experience. But this was not what I expected at ALL. If everything else was perfect, this would fit well. I feel like it's a good scene and great punishment for Tee to live with. ... If we KNEW what happened to Tee... but I'll get to that later.

(also like... White's character is so ... idk, he's just a random, innocent dude, who is there only for the purpose of dying ... not the mention he was really annoying to me at the beginning, like what was that about?)

Now here it comes. Jin. I ... I can't say much, because I think even Tumblr would ban me if I went into detail. Let's just say I did not expected Jin to be horny on main. I still don't understand how Jin was the one who posted the video (we had some evidence it might have been someone else), but if he did or thinks he did, it only makes sense his fear would be related to it. But even so, I think his fear should've been more about him not protecting Non. We know that Jin liked Non and wanted to protect him. So why is his biggest fear everyone knowing he's horny on main? We know from Copper himself that Jin should've been percieved as a good character, but him fearing that what he did to Non happens to him is sort of selfish and absolutely not something I thought about Jin. But let's be honest, bad writing was screwing Jin over since like ep 6 (and it was doing it even harder than Phee) (sorry for this one, I'm leaving the room now).

Now Phee. His fear is obvious and he's the only one getting out of the hallucinations and saving the day. (probably) I didn't understand his momentarily need to save New??? Like buddy, you are in this mess because of him??? But him getting the antidote, saving Jin and then coming back for Tee: amazing, hot, I loved it. Only sad that was like 2 minutes of this tragedy.

New. Oh, New. He was a guy broken beyond repair and I knew he will go. I mostly hoped he would end his life himself after realizing what he did and what happened to Non, but he was too lost for that. But I'm okay with his ending.

FINALLY the holy grail of dissapointment. The ending itself. It suddenly cutting to "2 Years Later" got me thinking That's it??? It didn't even have the shock point, because I was confused the entire time. I was thinking why on earth would you end it like that? Why are PheeJin having happy ending (not that I didn't want it, but not like this, not like this, mate) and why is Tee having the bad ending (really, why?) and like what happened? What did police say? Why we skipped two years ... and suddenly BOOM, they smacked me across my face with that "oh, how did we get out then and why is Non over there?" ending. Like WHAT?

HELLO?

REALLY?

Like you really made me sit through 11 episodes, making my judgement and assumptions about every single character, wanting their ending to be whatever I felt they deserve and instead of giving me the shock, happiness, sadness of what you cooked for them you GIVE ME NOTHING?! OF ALL POSSIBLE CHOICES, YOU GIVE ME NOTHING?!

Is this like write your own ending thing or-? WHY WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME HANGING.

Not to mention there are lot of things unexplained.

Was Jin the one who really posted the video? There were lot of contradictions to it.

How on earth did New manage to prepare everything and hurt Por? We just heard it from Phee, who couldn't have possibly known. And some things like weren't adding up, even if we have the hallucinations thing.

What happened to Keng? Like, is he dead? But we never saw the body. Really, what's with him?

Who are the survivors? We might assume Phee, Jin and Tee, but are they? Are they all dead? What happened to them? This was literally why we all were here and we don't even get that answer?

That ending was soooooo anticlimatic and out of place. This kind of ending can work, but in a slasher movie where we don't care about characters that much and we are there just for the blood and murders (A Nightmare on Elm Street does this wonderfully, for example) but not in a drama, where we spent HOURS learning backstories of each character (except Top, like who is he?) and want to know what is their destiny.

It's like if the ending of Harry Potter was Harry and Voldemort about to fight, then cut to the 19 Years Later scene, but Harry sees Voldemort on the platform and then cut to broken Hogwarts and then end credits. Like, nah, that doesn't work.

I don't want to make my or yours suffering any longer that needed, so I will end this here. I'm very sad, very disappointed and very confused. I feel like I was robbed. This drama was so good, but the writing team just gave up somewhere around episode 9. It's like when I think of good plot for a fic, but don't come up with the ending and have to write just whatever to not leave it open.

Yep, thank you for reading this. The best part about this drama was without the doubt being able to share my thoughts and theorize with everyone. Thank you guys for it.

Special thanks goes to my beloved friends @tbhimnoteasyonmyself @ayansbff @jeffsatursgender and @toonstuna, who were watching each episode along with me and today (and not just today, for like past month and half) were very nice, kind and patient to listen to me ranting about everything for hours (as they were all ranting themselves). Love you all, guys, really <3

Thank you everyone who has been through this with me. Hopefully next time we will meet again at something less disappointing.

Baya!

#dead friend forever #dff #dff spoilers #thai bl #dff the series #thai drama #dead friend forever the series

[slimeology]

I had to find the time to join The Missing Coworkers [ from the lovely @springbon-t-art ] event between my course work and I did hahA!

Thank you for the motivation to pick up and draw something for myself though! Having to brain up an entire card game in like a month is tricky-! [fun entertaining fact is that my guy here is in it hehe >:]]

I wish I could find the time for more but!! STILL!! he's real, Charleston in the goo? flesh? one of those words. I am probably gonna end up putting an unreasonable amount of words below + an extra image so percieve if you like :]

Right right, to start off with the ending question I don't really do favourites, but if I am to give the ending I've 'brain-dead' navigated to on impulse it is the 'Is This A Bucket?' ending.

I cannot explain it, I am simply drawn to it. The questions it poses... If everything is a bucket, and yet not at the same time, what meaning does that hold? I could keep asking vaguely philosophical questions but enough! So I place onto Charleston the knowledge of a bucket identifier.

[hes very really excited about the buckets now. as he should.]

I even have the explaination as for how he's here. So to now ramble on about that -

Charleston is notorious for getting lost, and I figure in a big office building it is painfully easy to get lost. Hence he keeps ending up here of all places. Why? God knows. You ask him how, you surely had to jump off that lift and he says 'no no! I just walked here! I never jumped off a thing!'

And then onwards it only gets more confusing, you ask where he's supposed to be and he 'isn't sure' and you say but everyone's numbered and he goes, 'what numbers? I don't have any numbers.' And then how can you even be sure he works here? Who's to say he hasn't got so unbelieveably lost he's in the complete wrong building?

We'll never know. But hey, he's at least very chatty and friendly and probably nothing to worry about! He belongs, maybe! He'd walk into a meeting he's not a part of, sit down, and just act like this is exactly what his job always was. Was it? Who knows... He doesn't.

Ah well. He bakes good though. He'll hear it's someone's birthday and bam next day or on the date you get good food. That's enough, right?

Hopefully this is done correctly! I can't remember the last time I did some, online thing akin to this, so I do truly hope my rambling is not too long and such!

Have a lovely day, week, month and year! Here's me, Goopy, finally signing off because oh boy it is also late sleepy sleepy zzzz

#the missing coworkers #the stanley parable #bucket #the gooey guy realised... #i would write more but god damn i could go on for 5 years about my favouritististist man #keels over before him and dies because what else would you do?? #god i think my tiredness is showing.

[kalofi]

Your buggy design is so excellent because not only does he have that „Has a good amount of body fat but you also KNOW he’s fairly strong and muscular“ kind of Strongman physique, but I also can see him being the type of guy who people don’t expect to be as agile as he is. Like, even without chopchop powers. People see him and think „I’ll just need to move faster than him and tire him ou-„ and they already got hit with a pretty nasty fakeout right hook. Not even mentioning how surprisingly fast he can move, even if lots of said movement is him trying to run away from something and accompanied by silly noises. You look into one direction for one second and see something approaching, before turning to look at him only to see a Buggy shaped dustcloud and realizing he’s already half a mile away from you.

🤡 💨

(Also I don’t know why but I love how your Shanks looks almost the opposite. Someone who’s strong and physically fit in some ways but also sounds like… someone tapdancing on a bag of potato chips every morning when he gets out of bed and stretches. It’s all just really good shit I gotta say)

this is such a beautiful analysis of how i draw them im nodding in agreement as if im not the one who depicts them this way. so true bestie sooo so so fuckin true. right on the nose (HA!)

basically my thoughts for buggy when im drawing him are “i will make this guy into someone who i am so attracted to” and thats basically it. i want that fat boy. also yeah hes strong to me like he detaches his arms to use as body part “canons” but im under the assumption that he’d still have to be able to pack a decent punch himself if he wanted to deal true damage w his devil fruit. kind of in the same vein of how i believe robin is so lowk jacked bc i think her flowered limbs are only as strong as the originals. anyway buggy works on toon logic as you said with the dustcloud. it may seem impossible for him to pull off but if its funny enough for the bit well he can do anything he sets his heart to. i truly believe this

as for shanks well yes i dont have much to say you laid it out pretty perfectly. that guy does not have a graceful bone in his body he lumbers and grunts and scratches his ass . hes like a mountain beast or some sort to me. hes strong and fast but you’ll know when hes coming hes not much for subtlety. buggy values his means of escape and i think with his devil fruit comes a certain elegance to it if i can be so forthright. well whatever i think im just in love with that clown and it affects the way i percieve him maybe im crazy

#sorry i responded so late to this tumblr is hatd these days #but i miss u guys i want to b more active i do…..stay with me #well i love shuggy i think its obvious by now from how much ive posted about them #zolu will never be topped but i do contemplate those two old men frequently #kalofi’s asks

[brainworms-all-night-long]

Ok so I have had the self imposed misfortune of witnessing some of the "very missed the mark" takes on Nine or just the show's character portrayal in general and, how can someone be...so mISGUIDED. OUGH!!(snapcube sonic 06 voice)

I do realize that no one with these opinions is probably gonna read this (I mean. I am the Nine The Fox blog basically, what are you doing here if you hate the guy) and also won't change their minds but, I don't care. I'm not making this for those people, I just enjoy writing about this guy and been given the prompts to do so. You may enjoy my uncontrolled ~1,500 words long midnight rambling (yea that's like, a whole one-shot what the fucck)

I should wait until morning to edit this before posting but I just need this out there now I cannot argue with a tired self

> So as I've come to find out, people hate Nine because

A) no drip (he's 8, leave him alone <-summary of this whole end of year middle school essay btw)

B) for "betraying Sonic"

And C) for "being a selfish asshat" (paraphrased from one of the tweets I've read)

> Point A, is one that I agree on just cuz I can. But I find him.much easier to draw than Tails so there's that his overall drip I'd say is 6.3/10 (I do not need to bother with the leg placement just draw the pants!! Three rectangles for the base of the body wohoo) And as said, he is a child. Show me the clothes your 8 year old self was wearing and than we can talk.

As for actual character design aspect (which is something I know nothing about so I'm definitely an authority on this subject /lh sarcasm) I think it conveys the basics of him being a moraly gray character by being literaly dressed in gray. His gloves are black and white with his shirt having small splashes of yellow god damn it. He's not nice or a selfless hero type but also not rotten to the core

> moving onto point B because I really do not want to embarass myself by not knowing caharcter design color theory 101. 🅱️oy oh boy I find it so goddamn silly the more I think about it because Nine is literaly the only character from the entire shatterverse cast that has not used or deceived Sonic once for his personal gain.

All of the characters used Sonic to some extent (exept for Nine, my perfect little guy). The resistance tried to recruit Sonic because he's "fast strong and hates the egg", but they did so out of desperation to save their city. Thron used him to get the shard to "protect the jungle" and Prim sent him after Thorn because she probably didn't enjoy starving to death.

But than you have a certain other character that yall conveniently forgotten about, you know, the one that actually in 4k got caught and displayed openly on screen betraying (using the actual definitionnof the word) Sonic because of nothing but pure selfish greed, and for some reason got away with it.

Dread? The one who figuratively spat in Sonic's face just to get the blue shard for no other reason other than having it in his possesion? He had absolutely no quams about throwing his own crew under the bus (or water ig) lie and manipulate them, death threat and blame them for any of his own mistakes and than abandon them when it was the most convenient for him. (How in the ever loving green hill forest did all of this selfishness get redirected at Nine I cannot—)

Nine did not ever betray Sonic for any reason, actually. Instead, he was the only one to genuinely compliment him (even if not to his face or even in his presence but it was said out loud anyway) and If anything, he made constant little sacrifices in the hopes that once Sonic is done playing around a hero they could finally chill at the Grim.

Nine genuinely admired him (were that opinion stands as of the first teaser of the third season is probably not as high as it used to but it still might be burried under all that percieved betrayal) and felt the affection given was genuine as well. He cared enough about Sonic to offer him a place in his own paradise in making ffs, he also cared anough to leave him to the decision whether he wanted to stay or not (until his better judgement got a bit clouded with all the sudden love Sonic kept throwing his way but more on that later)

So no. I have literally no clue how y'all arived at the conclusion that Nine was only using Sonic for- what exactly? To steal the shards? I guess? But that was never his end goal. Sure he needs at the very least one from the Grim but it was Sonic that wanted the rocks in the firts place, and Nine merely helped him get them. He willingly played prisoner so that they could snatch all the shards at once together likenwhsghsgd how do y'all act as if the finale of the second season was some sort of Nine's evil Master Plan to make Sonic cry huh.

And I've been going on for two and a half hours and should probably sleep so point C) Here's where the gray part of his character comes in again because for people who's only expectation for such characters is that they commit crimes but are hot, when that is not the case it becomes a struggle to comprehend an actually moraly ambiguous character that isn't a generaly nice person that cannot be sexualized (because he's eight goddamn years old)

I mean, he is a complete selfish asshole for abandoning the rebels that weren't even there for him to begin with, seeing as Renegade went on attack before Nine himself stopped him. And he is also an irredeemable monster because he didn't care about finishing a fight in a city that he later and multiple times over made abundantly clear he doesn't care about, obviously, the most selfcentered ass there is. /sarc

I guess those weren't the nicest things he could've done but it were definitely the most logical ones from his perspective.

Was it selfish? Yea, and kinda sorta no? Most of his actions in the show were taken because of or for Sonic, in blind faith maybe, but by definition it's not selfishness if you're considerate of another person's interests and feelings

And the fact he took the shards at the end of season two is a completely different story

Just ough, putting one's self in Nine's perspective. Your whole short life, that also just so happened to be in a tyrannically ruled and industrial hellhole, you've been both physically and emotionally tormented and ostracized for being Different, to which you learn that lashing out and then self-isolating is the best defense you can fall back on. Some time passes and a random blue guy breaks into your house, calls you a slur, talks the most out of pocket shit youve heard but for some reason is also the first person to treat you nicely (+saved you from certain death).

Then one thing lead to another, you end up discovering a void and in it an entire empty universe; a plain desolate desert, but to you and the brand new powers in your possesion, it's a blank slate, new start, a safe heaven you fantasized about since you could remember. All the room and power to create anything that your broken child heart could desire, the wildest shit you could think of, whatever you want, you could make it happen, never having to look back ever again. And for an even better change of pace, maybe even have your first friend around as well. It almost doesn't feel real, but it is.

But uh ohs that very tangible fantasy is threatened(was it real after all? Were you?), suddenly you could loose all of it and be miserable again and by god do you not want it to happen, will you not let that happen, will you snap and bite an anything anyone daring to pose a threat to it. Even if it's that suposed friend that served as a catalyst to all of this.

And wanting to defent the little solace you've finnaly found is somehow.. a betrayal on Nine's part.

And I could do a whole another book on Sonic and Shadow's perspective but it's way too late and I have school in three hours so adios

#sonic prime #if none of of what Ive written here is coherent or makes sense know Ive been at this for two and half hours since midnight #is not healthy I know but I do not choose when I think about my guy #it is calle brainworms all night long so #ough I fear this all sounds way too pasisve agressive #inhope it doesnt #im trying to be silly about other ppl not liking my blorbobingus #seriouslybthis isnt a lecture of ment to call someone out I just hat lots of Thougts compiled over the months #and finally managed to write it all out #how well it holds together ill xheck tomorrow #not me writing half a book about a single talking cartoon animal this is sinsane #miles nine prower #nine the fox #sonic the hedghog #prime sonic #knuckles the dread #silly brainworms #lots and kots of worms jfc-

[deer-knight]

forgive and ignore me if this is a weird/uncomfortable question, but do you get misgendered by students in both directions? im a trans (mostly)guy, but i look pretty androgynous and people read me pretty 50-50, i find it really interesting how people can percieve the same thing in different ways and i imagine that can be heightened when its kids. do kids ever argue about it between each other before they are informed of your actual pronouns?

when i had short hair, i was often misgendered as a guy at the girl scout camp i taught at. with the very long hair i have now, it's almost always the opposite. with students and everyone else. though, because i do have something of a mustache (i'm not on t it's just how i am), there was one time during a whittling circle the kids were talking about gender/my gender/pronouns/etc and one of them pointed out the mustache and was like "wait you have a mustache though." implying that though people misgender me as a woman, the mustache "proves" i'm not one.

which of course led to the conversation of "mustaches/facial hair exist on both men and women (and everyone else who doesn’t fit in those categories, like myself), regardless of if they're trans or not." which was surprising for most of the kids.

so, we talk a lot about how presentations are infinite and that it's always a good idea to ask for pronouns, even if you think you know what pronouns someone uses.

thanks anon!

#& speaks

[kaddyssammlung]

The Love You Want - Analysis

The Love You Want

“You lie an inch apart on your own continuum”

Don't we all do that somehow? We all percieve the world through our filters of our past and therefore we all kind of do that. It's really hard to overcome stuff like this. This is part of my daily “business”. Becoming aware of those filters and taking new paths.

“Now keep the freakshow talk to a careful minimum”

This takes me back to times where everything felt so dramatic and serious and I took myself very seriously. There was no distance between my actions and my thinking. I acted on every impulse without being able to have any control. I was told that I seemed crazy quite a lot. I can't really blame anyone. I would describe them as crazy times. Being hung over a lot or rather all the time did not really help. Drinking a lot messes with your perception.

“I'll find a different harbor to lay my anchor in”

Next time I want to break up with someone I'm going to say exactly this XD.

Let's see how she will react.

Okay this is kind of evil but I interpret this this way.

“And you'll find a different way to keep from setting sail again”

I don't fully understand this. Does he mean that they should not be with someone? I mean they can set sail and then find someone else? Right?!

To me this is about breaking up with someone.

“But I'm still full of the love you want”

Really? I don't know if that is good. When I think back about “Like That” and the way that you were treated, Vessel then I don't know if this is something good. It's nice that you are full of love though.

“still waking up beneath it all”

It's makes me think about the countless times he kind of refers to being under the water or being caught somehow. It sounds like “waking up beneath it all” is like a nightmare.

“I'll reach for you on faith alone”

This is interesting yet I can't really place it. Because faith in what?!

“Seems your heart is locked up and I still get the combination wrong”

I get what he is saying but I wonder who this is directed towards. Does he mean Sleep? Is there someone else?

Other than that I really like this image that he creates with this.

Maybe their heart is locked up for protection? Maybe they want to protect themselves or others also?

“or are you simply waiting to save your love for someone I am not?”

This reminds me of me kind of being an asshole during the last summer. There was someone out there who really wanted to get to know me better but I totally “blocked” her. Idk if we would have been good for each other. I will never find out.

“Too many swallowed keys will make you bleed internally someday”

I get the analogy. The keys that he used to try to open up their heart. But this also leaves a strange taste in my mouth. As if it maybe also hints at other strange behaviors. Maybe something eating or disordered eating related? I have no idea.

But also, yes the swallowed keys will kind of kill you. Meaning that if someone does not want to open their heart for you then you can't make them.

It also makes me think about the guy where I buy my alchemical substances from. He refers to them as “keys”. Let's say I have trouble with opening my heart then I would use something to activate that chakra.

You could then say that this substance is like a key to my heart chakra :)

“Maybe, you believe that in the end You will be better off that way?”

Yes, I do. It's easier with my BPD. If no one is with me then I don't have to be afraid that someone will leave me. Thank you for calling me out again.

In the video Vessel is being “killed” and then ends up in the same place as in the begging of the video. It makes me think about reincarnation. Since I'm someone who believes in that, too. The only way to “escape” this is through ascension. That's just how I see it.

#sleep token #sleep token worship #sleep token lyrics #Youtube

[sparkly-s0da]

Hey guys so in return for aro month and valentines day im gonna show you what “phases/bouts” i went for to figure out who i was/am

This is gonna be rlly long so yeah

straight because i had a really good friend that i think would be cool i spent the rest of my life with because he’s a great friend. I like him? Maybe? I just know i wanna spend time with him because he’s my friend

Straight but watching gacha life gay videos was okay because it was entertaining i think its not gonna mess me up at all (it messed me up for life turns out, like it straight up ruined my perception of life and cringe and imprinted on me in ways the world cannot ever imagine unless you were a gacha kid who happened to accidentally consume really inappropriate gacha stuff)

learned more about queer community more and ppl aren’t just gay and friend starts thinking if they’re lgbtq (they kinda arent and they’re transphobic -ish now i think) And so i start thinking, and go hey i do these hand symbols insert ✌️ and👈 (and on top of that i have no preference for who i want to date really. I’m BI!!! Or something i guess

Wait. I’m not attracted to anything like a lots of ppl. Im ace, right? Yeahh

no im demi proabbly

stopped caring

realized that hey? I don’t know what romantic love is and how to percieve it? I don’t know how to feel it? Except in comics and fanfics. And i have never really felt that way

but i really really wanna be friends and hang out with certain ppl so much so even if i might not know them? I might want to just talk to them? Maybe be friends? They just look so cool! They’re like me, and i think i just want to talk to them. Is that a crush? But the actual concept of romance itself has never shown itself to me. What is love, really? Am i supposed to romantically like someone? I don’t know if i HAVE or not.

Yk what i think i’m aromantic

ppl keep shipping me w/ppl they say i like him. what if im not what if i AM in love and i don’t know?

am i even who i think i am?

Look so i don’t truly know how love works, how to perceive it, if ppl even like me like that, if I want to be liked, if i want to like, if i know how to like and can just DO it. Maybe i am aro

so like im aro (either aego/cupiro) or like angled aroace because idk im like aroace but aspec and not straightforward aroace. Not sure.

So thats me hbu? :)

-Soda

(You got this you can find your own way!!)

#aromantic #aroace #lgbtqia #the bi to aroace pipeline fr #queer #how i figured out me as a person

[lutawolf]

My Beautiful Man and the BDSM Element Episode Three

My Beautiful Man speaks to me and who I am in a way that few shows do. Because of that, I wanted to break this down and hopefully expose the beauty of this show. I really hope you guys enjoy this 💜

Review for Episode Two can be found here

Episode Three

It might not seem it but in general Kiyoi is a pretty decent Dom for his age. He sticks up for those that needs his protection and for the most part is pretty calm. We then see him hold out his glass to Hira saying he is thirsty. While he probably is thirsty and he knows that Hira will jump to the command, it's also a good way of distracting the pack. He's also sending Hira away from the pack's attention because he didn't like the direction of the conversation.

The next scene shows that Kiyoi doesn't make it through the contest and he is very upset about it. They go to an afterparty where the pack acts like asses and Kiyoi excuses himself. Hira follows and a fight takes place because Kiyoi doesn't want to be pitied and don't want to be seen as weak. Hira shares that he likes Kiyoi but Kiyoi only get further upset. He pushes Hira away and tells him that he disgusts him. He is taking out his anger and resentment on him. While there has always been a certain about of degrading to their relationship. This time it hurts because it's intended to. Generally speaking while degrading looks and sounds harsh, it's not intended to hurt.

Even though things didn't end well between them in the previous scene. Kiyoi still protects Hira when one of the pack gets too harsh. The pack member orders Hira to go get different food. He is under the mistaken impression that the loyalty would shift. Kiyoi not only protects him, he gives him an order "Don't, you should go eat something too." Which Hira readily follows because Kiyoi is his Dom.

Then comes, what I feel is a defining moment. Subs are often percieved as weak and they aren't. Just generally speaking they tend to have a passive personality. They can and will become incredibly fierce in their defense of their Dom though. Think mama bear instincts. When the pack tries to overturn Kiyoi's authority by mocking him and being aggressive. Hira quickly goes into guard dog mode and attacks. It signals to Kiyoi that Hira could have stood up to him at any time, that he is different from the pack members.

After the fight, Hira goes to find Kiyoi. He has fallen asleep at the desk and Hira reaches out to touch his hair but then Kiyoi wakes up. He then gives Hira an excuse to touch his hair. He then asks about the camera and there is a lovely discussion about not doing anything gross with his pictures which Hira already admits to doing. lol

Then we come to the moment where Kiyoi really truly begins to realize how special his is to Hira. Because when asked if he likes boys or girls, Hira admits that he just like Kiyoi, "you are my one and only." Kiyoi hides his embarrassment with degrading "so gross" but this time it's not aimed to harm and Hira is unfazed. Kiyoi is pleased with Hira and offers him the boon of kissing his hand. It's a prize or treat if you would. While it might seem strange, praise and incentives are common in D/s relationships.

Following that scene we watch their relationship progress in snap shots. Though neither seem aware of the progression of the relationship. The D/s part is clearly growing in it's guidelines and comfortability. Within the snap shots we see several moments of Kiyoi commanding Hira and Hira easily obeying.

"It's very hard to describe the relationship I have with Kiyoi. Relationships are based on the interactions between two people, but even if Kiyoi has great power over me, I don't have the same influence over him" See Hira doesn't understand their dynamic and that it is a relationship as well as special. He doesn't understand that you can give up the power to someone else, like it, and it be okay. No one has sat with these kids and explained that while their relationship doesn't fit the norm it could still be considered a relationship. "Then I would say I worship him like a God, I imagine myself a devote priest. Dedicating my whole life to him." The Kiyoi "why do you have such a look on your face? What are you thinking?" "Mmmm, that I want to be a Monk"

Kiyoi is featured in a magazine and he is once again king of the school. Which lends to him being leader of the pack once again just in time for the school year to end. Kiyoi's attention is now on Hira though, he just doesn't know how to show it. He leaves the classroom knowing that his "stalker" will follow. Again, while it's degrading it doesn't bother Hira. This is clearly a kink that's within their relationship guidelines. When Hira apologizes for following him, Kiyoi makes it clear he doesn't care. Again, there is clearly a relationship here and it's evolved but neither have talked to push the relationship into solid ground. It is lacking communication. So instead there is a kiss where one thinks he is relaying his feelings and the other thinks he is saying goodbye.

Both left feeling bereft but trying to figure out how to move on.

Well that ends episode 3. Hope you guys enjoy. 💜💜💜

#my beautiful man #hira x kiyoi #hira kazunari #kiyoi sou #my beautiful man kink #luta opinions #coconuts mafia #luta talks my beautiful man

[cryptile]

WHAT is tf2

YES YES YES YES I GET TO EXPLAIN MY STUPID ASS SILLY GAME TO YOU (sorry for horrible images attatched to each character i am pulling directly from the pictures i have saved on my mober phone)

Tf2 is a first person shooter videogame made in 2007.

You play as one of 9 classes, each with their own specific role in the game, and get assigned to one of 2 teams- blu and red.

The classes (and characters) are:

Offense:

The Scout: fast, close combat, fights with a scattergun ( a shot gun) . He is a young boston guy who can't shut up, and thinks hes really cool. Hes like 27 but acts like a teenager

The Soldier: explosive, medium range class, uses a rocket launcher. Low mobility but you can launch yourself into the sky to travel quicker which takes damage and skill. He's an insane and very patriotic american, also hes kind of a himbo.

The Pyro: Close range class, has a powerful flamethrower but lacks in range. They are a mysterious masked person (?) Who sees the world very differently, repeatedly being depicted seeing the world as a wonderous candy land and being unable to percieve the damage they do.

Defense:

The Demoman: The actual explosive explosive class. His primary weapon is a pipe bomb launcher, but his secondary- a stickybomb (a bomb that sticks to surfaces and can be detonated whenever) is considered as much of a primary weapon as the first. Demo a scottish alcocholic guy who is actually pretty sweet and caring. He takes care of his blind mother and has several jobs. He is my blorbatron3000.

The Engineer: a very unique class, he can place down sentries that attack targets on their own, he can also place teleporters and dispensers that heal teammates and give out ammunition. He's almost a stereotypical texan, but he is very intelligent, almost a mad scientist at times, but he hides it well under his cool and kind persona. My blorbo nr 2

The Heavy: A tank basically, he has a lot of health but is slow, and carries a powerful minigun, which he loves and even named it Sasha. Hes a big russian dude who seems unintelligent at first but like he literally has a phd in russian literature. Hes also a family man and very caring.

Support:

The Sniper: a... Well, sniper. He has a rifle. Boom headshot etc. As for personality, hes very professional, cold, but also cocky and. How do i tell you this... He pisses in jars. And throws them at people. And he's Australian.

The Medic: A healer, has a medigun that fires a beam of healing stuff that connects to anyone you're aiming at. It has a meter for a power up called über that basically makes him and whoever his medigun is connected to invincible for a few seconds. He is german, evil, an actual mad scientist, evil and fucked up.

The Spy: he carries a pocket knife with which he can back-stab anyone, killing them instantly. He can go invisible for a few seconds but can't use weapons while he does. Same applies to when he disguises himself as someone from the opposite team. He's a very elegant frenchman that smoke un cigarette et drink un wine. He is also a fucking asshole and i hate him so much. With my entire heart. Opposite of blorbo.

If you want me to keep infodumping about tf2 dm me please i am desperate

#answered #sorry chat im autistic

[dukeofankh]

So in my wandering in the wilderness of Reddit for several years, I spent most of my time in r/Menslib, a feminist subreddit concerned with the challenges of deconstructing patriarchy as a man. It largely sucked. In short, I think that the norms of men's social spaces are foundationally incompatible with the sort of work that you need to do to heal men. It's not failing to materialize because men aren't trying, it's that people are trying to make topiary with flamethrowers.

"You Just Don't Understand" is a pop-psych book by Deborah Tannen about comparing the conversational norms of gendered spaces. It's hardly definitive or universally applicable but I found it mirrored my own experiences pretty well as a queer/neurodivergent guy who's never really fit in in men's spaces. She says that in the case of men, the most basic building blocks of conversation are built around jockeying for independent, individual reputation and heirarchical status. Men focus on topics external to them, rather than sharing personal feelings, because the fundamental structure of conversation is conflict based and being vulnerable would expose you and your most intimate self to that kind of combat.

It's also why men tend to be so competitive about their niche hobbies --they found a pond small enough that they can be the big fish. The problem is when that pond is Feminism.

Putting aside the staggering number of men whose idea of being part of the movement is just publicly dunking on men who they percieve as less feminist than they are (implicitly demonstrating that they are winning feminism by comparison), there's also this rebranding of the basic toxicity of rugged independent stoicism into a new, progressive-tee-em version:

"Struggling under the Patriarchy? Just do your own thing. Systemic issues? What systemic issues? Sounds like someone just doesn't want to do the work. Looking for community and support and role models because you're facing judgment and disdain from others? Are you really though? Maybe you're just making it up as an excuse to not be a Sigma male--I mean, good feminist. I mean, I do what I want, and I'm killing it, so you must just not be as mature as I am yet."

People respond to desires for help, community, and movement with surprisingly bitter disdain. People who open up about how hard it is to face judgment for acting contrary to hegemonic masculine norms tend to get met with calls to just get the fuck over it. A lot of that seems to be that a fair few men have a sort of pride for doing what they consider to be "the best job at being a nontoxic man" without any help, and they look down on men who want to have any sort of larger movement or support system in place to make that easier. It being easy would make them seem less cool for succeeding.

Men don't tend to welcome discussions of the personal, like I said above, but what shocked me going there after tumblr was the degree to which lived experience was considered...I mean, not even lacking in inherent value, it was more thought of as an active detriment. Your personal experience? That's based on your feelings. You've almost definitely warped that with your own perspective, and you shouldn't trust it.

As an extension of that, there's a sort of structural difference in how culturally, men and women's discourse seems to function. With women, it is a collection of narratives, the most common and shared blending together to form a consensus. With men, it is much more a system of gatekeepers and experts holding court above a throng. The ideal relationship is more prophet/disciple. Presuming your idea is good enough to share therefore must mean that you are assuming that level of heirarchical authority. But if your idea was good, then you would have a degree and a book out. If you don't, if you're some random guy from the internet, and you sharing your perspective HAS to be challenged or else people are implicitly granting you that authority. And what follows is the most hellish pedantic bullshit you've ever seen in your whole life. Someone knowing more than you is someone who could look down on you. So there is a major incentive to find even tiny, inconsequential mistakes, to prove that they're a pretender to the throne you see their opinion as claiming.

The result in terms of the actual moderation is a massive focus on external links and articles to spur conversation, with most actual text posts written by users being deleted immediately. I've seen posts about people's history of growing up in the Patriarchy being removed because they're just "personal anecdotes and they don't have any citations", ive seen people being told "hey it's fine if you want to squabble in the comments on an article from a legitimate source but I don't think your personal ideas are really suitable for a full blown POST on the FRONT PAGE of our SUBREDDIT. I could make a whole post about the fact that the existence of Mods with an editorial viewpoint fundamentally changes the power structure of a community, but ultimately it was pretty depressing to see the extent to which instead of camaraderie and community you instead had to deal with a bunch of Redditors cosplaying at being part of an academic journal.

It's not some sort of unique moral failure on the part of men--the other half of Tannen's book makes some excellent points that having a conversational culture built off of the norm of building community doesn't actually prevent there being conflict and hierarchy among women. It's more that that conflict is expressed using the language of community. If you have a visceral response to a post starting with "friendly reminder..." you already know what I mean.

But the structure I encountered on Reddit is so starkly atomized, and I honestly don't see how it is even capable on a basic, structural level of doing the work it wants to do.

#menslib #Masculinity #positive masculinity #deborah tannen

[signedkoko]

Hi! Hello! Can I say 22+24 for the ask game?

22. How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody? Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

Hm, I think like anyone out there love is complicated. I love someone as a friend very slowly, I am attracted to characters very fast, but it can take me years to decide if I really do love someone romantically.

I believe there are different types of love, it already takes me so much to really love someone platonically. Its so much trust, loyalty, how well we get along, etc... To the point where right now I only really view myself as having one singular best friend (shout out to Landy, who would never touch this account in 100 million years!)

I can't answer the last question that well, considering I haven't exactly fallen in love in a really long time. To that end, I think I would enjoy being in love more, because I am so anxious whenever I even start to develop feelings for anyone that it almost ruins it.

24. Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality?

For those who don't know, my gender & Sex is Female, my pronouns are she, her, it and its, and I am gray asexual biromantic. Thats a lot of terms, but I usually boil myself down to 'She/her Bisexual' if someone asks. I think thats because I am extremely comfortable with my identity, I don't really mind how people percieve me given that I have my preferences and know myself.

I have gone through the line with gender expression, I think sometimes I'd love to be a guy for the personality sake (for example, I wish I could just pretend im a guy on this acc, even if I don't identify that way, and I also have some groups where people know me as a guy!) but that really boils down to not wanting the female stereotypes attached to me. Either way, I love being a woman, I am slow to warm up to sexual partnerships, and I love everyone.

Want to play? You can find the ask game here!

#koko talkz

[abuddyforeveryseason]

This is the Buddy for October 16th. I quite like it. It does look like a two-page spread in a manga I'd enjoy. I'm a big fan.

I am a nerd. I've always been, really, although I'm not blind to the annoying issues there are whatever it is people call nerd culture.

When I was a kid, there was a writer I read a bit of from time to time. I'm not going to name names because I don't want to insult particular people on this tumblr, especially since he doesn't seem to deserve it as far as personality goes.

He published a book, a sci fi novel with a lot of references to action movies of the time. Then he put out an RPG adaptation of the novel, which was what I got my hands on. It seemed like he was into hard science fiction, I was impressed, thought he was a smart guy. I eventually forgot about him until a few years back, when I found out what he had been doing since then.

After the books, he published some comics serving as a sequel/side story to the novel. They were pretty influenced by Rob Liefeld and Jim Lee, comics that my nerd friends usually mocked for their trashy art and horny storylines. And after that, he moved on to manga-style comics ripping off stuff like Dragon Ball, Yu Yu Hakusho and El Hazard. After that he made a set of superhero graphic novels with manga influences, and later a fantasy RPG-inspired webcomic.

So when you see the guy's body of work, it seems like he's just ripping off what's popular. He started out referencing movies of the time, then during the alternative comics boom of the nineties, he turned those hard sci fi concepts into edgy superhero stuff. When manga started really getting big, he forgot about superheroes and started doing more "mature" manga stuff (or at least what we considered to be mature back then. Manga was a lot more adult than superheroes, because of the violence, sex, book length, production model...). Then when Marvel started putting out movies, superheroes were cool again, and he's acting as if he's always been a fan. And now he's following the leader with something RPG and webtoon inspired.

So, looking at the guy, it feels like rather than being a fan who can tell when a work is quality despite it being disposable pop culture, he just looks like a drone spending money and time on whatever it is that's being published, and then scoffing at his old interests when the new stuff comes along.

Of course, even though I don't see myself that way, I am kind of the same. I got into comics during the Kurt Busiek era trade paperback boom - I wouldn't follow monthly releases, but bought the complete stories in a proper bookstore. And although I'm not from the same generation Jack Kirby's original fans are, I got really into his comics by reading reprints and digital publications - I only became a fan because someone decided to publish them.

Even when it comes to manga, I'm not exactly only appreciating quality work - I read it on e-readers (I've had four), which work great for older manga (and for ones that have an extensive and easy to find digital library), so I read a lot of Osamu Tezuka, Shotaro Ishinomori and Jiro Kuwata. I'm surprised when I go to bookstores and find the manga I assumed was super obscure available to everyone.

I could say the big difference between me and the writer guy is that I can percieve a work's quality regardless of how much hype there is around it. But even that is a line of thought that was drilled into me by the companies that decide what to publish. I can read a pirated italian translation of an obscure Osamu Tezuka manga on my generic e-reader and pat myself on the back for being clever and getting it, but that just means when a giant corporation starts airing the anime adaptation of a manga homaging Tezuka, I'll be more likely to watch it. And, even mentioning the guy's name on Tumblr, I'm advertising it (by influencing search engines into bringing his name up).

But, despite that, I still enjoy that stuff a lot. I think there's real quality into the work people who create comics and manga put in, and that it's an underappreciated artform. I could say, be it referring to comics from ninety years ago, or from a writer my own age, that the quality's there regardless of the hype. I read the RPG world story by the writer I mentioned and I think, sure, he's just following the lead of a bunch of Isekai stories and webtoons with a similar style, but, still, he's putting a lot of himself into the story. Whether he realizes it, or not.

#manga #novel #sci fi #RPG #ab4es #Osamu Tezuka #Shotaro Ishinomori #Kurt Busiek #Marvel #comics #webtoon #graphic novel #ELO #Rob Liefeld #Jiro Kuwata #Jack Kirby #Reprint #Digital release #Guy Whose Name I'm Not Saying #Isekai #Dragon Ball #Yu Yu Hakusho #El Hazard #E-reader

[ottiliere]

i just wanna say like. thank u for being the way u are... youve inspired me to finally talk about my government assigned anime guy in a much more raw and possibly disturbed way and its all because i read your dirk posts and it gets my brain churning IMMENSELY so like literally thanks im gonna go off and be a little deranged

crying blood every time I get asks like this because while I appreciate the underlying sentiment I really want you to understand that this verbiage makes it come off as such a backhanded compliment... what I'm doing with dirk is quite honestly very normal to me and I think the only reason it's percieved as... not... is because of whatever this internet climate is where people make their whole identity as leaning into being super into this kind of thing or super not into this kind of thing. like I am kind of just a normal person hanging out living life and whenever you guys come up to me and say wow this is so unhinged and derangedddd it's like someone pushing an end display over in the grocery store right in front of me. and like I work a 9-5 at the torturing guys factory this is my job and it makes me happy and I'm glad it's inspiring you guys to get a job here too but I gotta get HOME and when you guys start calling csa trauma survivor explorations as a character study DISTURBED it's... very dehumanizing... don't call yourself deranged for having fun and making art about this kind of stuff it's literally normal

#ask #these are the two most recent but I've gotten so many asks along these lines #thereisnothingwrongwithme #thereisnothingwrongwithYOU

[daffythefox]

theres this guy im reasonably close with who’s usually really cool, but he has this tendency to get... weird. like, he’ll make weird jokes about me and my bf (stuff about sex and bdsm, and whatever). Like, they’re not out of line or graphic or anything, by all means they should be innocuous, but I have pretty bad sexual trauma, and it makes me uncomfortable. 

I’m used to gritting my teeth through discomfort during social situations, I’m a narcissist. Every time someone criticizes me, I have to dissociate a little bit to not get overtly mad/feel crushing defeat. But just asking people never to criticize me is impossible, mainly because both my reaction is the same with percieved criticism, which is unavoidable when you’re a hypervigilant narcissist, and sometimes I do things that warrent criticism, and people need to be able to call me out. But recently, this stuff has been getting more frequent, and it’s been bugging me. I’m terrible with confrontation, so I’ve been hoping that he gets hints that I’m uncomfortable to get him to stop, which has not been working.

I know him, he’s not doing any of this out of malice. If I tell him it’s bothering me and I explain myself, he will stop. But I don’t want to have to explain myself! I don’t want to have to publicly say “hey, I’m a victim of sexual abuse, now that you know that, can you stop making jokes about me that are sexual in nature”. I want him to just leave me alone! And explaining myself might be even worse, if he brings it up, like, he makes the joke, then, like, half-backpedals by mentioning the fact that I’m sensitive about it. I don’t want to tell him I’m effected by those kinds of jokes! I hate being vulnerable about anything, ever. Or worse, he feels like he has to pull his punches around me because I’m sensitive.

I was talking with my bf about it, and I usually feel like I’m pretty bad at social encounters in general (I was pretty socially isolated growing up). But, looking back on a couple things, maybe it’s just that I’m not good in that environment. Because when someone makes a joke at your expense that really digs at you, what are you supposed to do? If you get defensive, people just make fun of you more about it, to get a rise out of you. How do you tell someone to knock it off without making yourself a target? I could always try to verbally fight back, but I can’t go blow-for-blow with this guy, he’s wittier than I am, and it’ll just mean having to take more of it.

Maybe I should just stew trying to figure out the best ways to pick at his insecurities so he realizes not to fuck with me.

#me when i #weather update #this guy's not 100% in the wrong #but it still messes with me #man having a personality disorder is so fun