#some times I make things jjust for me you know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oqal · 2 years

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what personal hopes would you have for a season 2 of Inside Job?

tldr version would be like scarlamagne from kipo type shit.

i always imagined like cognito ink was going to be shut down by the cloaks or smth and solely ran by the cloaks or some shit, but everyone is like nooooo you can’t get shut down cognito

so the cloaks being shitheads says “then prove your worth thru a series of trials” and sends the gang and rand to a shadow prison x bobby trapped maze and everyone gets lost all separately to prove they can survive on their own

reagan is determined to save cognito so she goes beast mode, dodging traps n shit, until her and rand accidentally cross paths through the maze, rand is frustrated as shit and reagan is like “fine rand lets just get this over with but don’t speak to me”

but imagine the maze doing that she-ra shit in s1e11 where maze traps them in an illusion of the past of young reagan. how she grew up, core memories, especially with her father. they see how she was constantly ignored by both her parents throughout until her 30s.

they see how lonely she is sitting on her bed at night, exhausted to the bones. then they hear the cries of a young reagan, crying alone in her room after she was forced to put down her turtles. rand is noticeably feeling bad as reality of his daughter being alone all that time, growing up too fast, watching her smile fade and undereyes grow over the years.

he tries to apologize like “sweetie… i am so sorry. i see it now. i was a horrible father and you deserved better.”

“you hurt me. a lot. you made me believe i had no friends, ignored me, ridiculed me, and well… made me into the person i am today.” reagan says w a disappointed sigh ending the sentence.

maybe there’s like a heart touching moment where he’s like “i grew up cynical and no where near paternal. but reagan, there is nothing i wouldn’t do for you. even if you’re mad with me, if you’re still breathing, then, well, i can settle with that.”

reagans eyes are cast away n filling with tears. she hates him. she loves him. he’s her dad. but she hates him. does she?

rand puts a rand on reagan’s shoulder and it startles her but she looks at him and he says warmly, “reagan, out of all my creations, you are greatest one.”

reagan hesitates and opens her mouth to say smth but it’s cut off by a couple of voices. a young reagan and rand. they look to the side and there’s a scene playing. its after school so its still sunny out and the family’s all home from school/jobs

reagan is 8 and working on a robotics mechanism but can’t quite get the calibration right and it makes her little small tiny neurodivergent brain so stressed she begins to cry out of frustration

a younger rand walks past her door and hears her crying, enters her room and he’s like “woah calm down kiddo! what’s the problem?”

and she’s sobbing and babbling like “i jjust cant g-get the ccords right nd-“

and rand kneels down and places a hand on his daughter’s shoulder. both current rand and reagan are watching the scene play out.

“relax, sweetie, daddy can help you with the cords. nothing’s broken that we geniuses can’t fix” he nudges at her and young reagan chuckles a bit between sobs. rand rubs his chin.

“you know what makes me feel better? banana split sundaes. let’s sneak out of the house before your mother notices we had dessert before dinner. then we can fix this whole thing up, lickity-schplit, ridley style.”

reagans smiles a bit and rubs away her tears and nods.

“you promise?” a little crack in young reagan’s voice. she had to rely on promises for her father to do something nice for once.

rand wraps his pinky and locks it with her’s. “i promise.” he pronounces funnily, making her smile a bit more

they go downstairs and current reagan grimaces, knowing what’s about to happen. a core memory.

when they head down the stairs, tamiko is pissed af at rand and starts a loud argument with him, y!reagan is clutching the stairwell and watching them yell at each other, getting louder and louder. she looked scared. and current reagan watches w a tears visibly going down her cheek. rand remains silent and they watch the scene play out.

young reagan tries to interject and calm them down like “mom, dad, please! stop fighting!”

and they both face her and yell harshly, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” and it frightened lil reagan so much she scrambled up the stairs with panicky tears. it shows a glimpse of young reagan breathing heavily against her door, then sinking to her knees, crying silently into them.

he never kept that promise. as always.

reagan looks down and wipes those tears, turning away, and rand says softly, “listen, we’re in a life or death situation, and with our brains combined we’ll be walkin out scott-free. and how about, when we get out of her, we go for that long overdue sundae split and… try again.”

reagan is silent for a sec and is like, “you promise?” like she said like her younger self.

rand smiles and nods. “i promise.”

reagan hugs rand. like a real hug. he’s surprised, but hugs her back.

flash forward and they’re nearly at the end of the maze, succeeding every trial, and they’re about to arrive to the end when a weird beaming noise shrills their ears. reagan looks around, trying to find the source, and rand looks up and sees the quick-acting wall laser or some shit trained on reagan, nearly about to fire.

rand is like “REAGAN!” and jumps in her way to protect her from the impeding shot. reagan watches it happen, in confused horror. rand collapses, and large wound nearly piercing through his abdomen, a fatal shot. rand collapses to the ground in front of reagan. she gasps and immediately falls to his side, trying to observe the wound and bind it. but it’s too big and he’s losing blood, quickly.

the entire team arrive at the scene of reagan holding her father who’s bleeding out, trying to bind him. she’s freaking out a little while his eyes flutter. she grips his face.

“no, no! dad, stay awake! we’re almost through and we—we can help you!”

rand lulls to his side and knows he’s not gonna make it. it just a minute or two.

rand rasps out, “keep cognito safe. don’t—“ frabomyalga couch “—screw it up, like i did.” the gang watches from a distance, sadly not wanting to interfere.

“dad, don’t say that, get up!” she tries to lift him up but he has no energy to get up. black dots are forming in his eyes, his breath is shallow, not much time is left. reagan cries out and stops, holding her bleeding father on her lap.

“you promised.” she whispered with tears.

“sweetie—“ he choked and she clutched her hand in his, slowly shaking her head. he gripped it back lightly. “just… get pistachio and think of me with you.”

reagan freaks. “dad! no, dad, please, stay awake! get up, we’re almost there!”

rand is too heavy for her to lift so he ends up on his back, a pool of blood collecting around him. reagan puts her head on his chest and sobs. her dad is dying, for her, in front of her.

a hand lightly touches her head and she looks at him, and he grips her hand and whispers. “you are my greatest creation.”

and slowly, his eyes dose into stillness, his grip lightens and then completely goes limp, and his eyes slowly close. she’s screaming, “no, dad! dad, wake up! god dammit, open your eyes! you promised!”

the gang behind her is silent and in shock, and when he’s completely limp in her arms, she presses her ear to his chest to feel for a heartbeat. but instead, silence, stillness. reagan chokes on a sob and hugs his torso against hers, holding him tightly, sobbing softly, “you promised, please, wake up—”

its for a couple long moments reagan is crying louder louder realizing her father is dead, holding hie body, silently begging for him to just wake up

brett approaches reagan and puts a hand on her shoulder, and then so does the rest of the gang, surrounding her in comfort as she cries and holds his body, crying over the loss of her father. he sacrificed himself for her.

so like, he dies at the end of s2, but on a semi-resolved note. like a sacrifice after all of the things he’s done, even laying his life down so long as reagan is breathing.

so, semi-redemption ish. it takes year for reagan to rebuild and recover (bretts there to give her babies dw lmao) and accept what happened, finally finding peace while running cognito inc, her way.

and every sunday, she gets a cup of pistachio ice cream and eats it, thinking of her dad. and she always did. as he promised.

#asks #fuck i got carried away and im fuckin tipsy #i get writy

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icantgetnosatisfaction · 5 months

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16th

am l in denail?

I dont know why l written this. I just did cuz it came to my mind.

I talk to many people, too many. l feel like it is jjust taking too much time and effort but it makes me not to think of my oqn stuff. I am not even saying problems cuz it is not neccessarily should called problems. lt is anything related to me and my future and my past, so pretty much everything yeah.

yesterday was a beautiful tiring day, I had moments that l believe l am going to remember for a long time or for the rest of the my life.

Idk if you can relate however yk sometimes when l see something or hear something I can feel -I can say- lf ı am gonna remember that for a long time or not, or it is gonna be something important or not. Or maybe it is just selective perception.

writing helps, it does.

I should go to sleep early today or earlier than usual.

I should not seek for any person to love or to care, nothing intimate.

I dont desire that, I just want to postpone, I know myself. I know you. I know us. Dont be a coward. Dont distract yourself to avoid eventuality. You know that you are not supposed please yourself regularly cuz all the other member of your community do. They just live cuz their urges are dominant over them but you live, you live for...

indeed what do you live for? or what do you do for the thing you life for? Dont be so scared to not to reply. oh u are not scared? You just dont know? you dont know the damn reason why you are still alive? -still?-. Yeah well he was the reason at first but now what? You got use to that and now u cant just give it up? you are frightened? ,

Well, yes, we do want change, we want the big picture. we want something different. Yet, you keep liiving like others do. Do you get the meaning of that?

it is because ı ate shitty dessert and now my body is pretty unhappy to digest. I really dont understand why I ate that sweet? I dont even like sweet but I kept ate it for some reason

I was not supposed to

I wasnt

I wanted to vomit badly but couldnt do.

I think most of us, people, spend their lives like this. pretty much like this.

They sit in front of the TV. Watch a dump TV show while eating their sweet with a class of tea/coffee. They feel full and they dont really enjoy that TV show either. But they keep eating and watching. Sweet doesnt even taste that good but they eat it, they see the TV too. In the mean while, deep down, they know this isnt the way it should go. They feel the guilt and they know they will regret that moment later. But they keep sitting in front of that TV. Maybe they want unconsciously someone else to be involved and stop these primitive acts of theirs. It is not going to happen, unless they are 3yo or in a rehabilitation center.

gonna draw that view tomorrow

some moments, they stay with you, for a long time

Even you dont know the reason

lastly, what we write is dangerous. even far more dangerous than what we see or read. although l still dont know whether talking or writing is more dangerous than the other.

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pollylops · 6 months

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just trying to make a comprehensive list of everything wrong with me

aphasia- difficulty communicating verbally and for about a year struggling to form written sentences and especially complex or more complicated sentences. THIS IS HARD TO TYPE im all over the place and none of this feels right.

brain tumors/migraine/tinnitus- seems like when i address these things individually they are like ahh yeah jjust gotta deal with it to which i say, ok but why do i not get access to SOME kind of treatment why cant i at least try to find something in this world to help me understand/treat and deal with living inside of my head 24/7/ i know i come off as quit normal but thats bc my nervous system WILL NOT LET ME UNMASK in front on 99.9% of humans. i barely unmask with my closest friends let alone someone meeting me the first time who i am QUite CERTAINly will judge me if i act too peculiar. i have brain tumors, migraine, tinnitus and i have no doctor or anyone remotely who gives a flying freak this is happening to me. ( I AM SUICIDAL IDEATION DAILY bc of my tinnitus and this is something i struggled with in silence at my job bc i was ableist, embarred, ashamed and confused. )

cptsd

medical ptsd from being not listened to and gaslit by over 5 physicians throughout my life

ptsd from not having medical care for 20 years

ptsd from going to the emergency room 3 times to get antibiotics because my mouth is full of rotting wisdom teeth that are broken, infected and shifting in my mouth for over 20 years leading to possbile severe blood infections i already have heart issues and this could be making it worse

back and spine issues- idk if i have a broken or slipped disc or degenerating discs on its own or if i have cancer and its causing fractures in my spine but i cannot move or bend without risk of severe pain or injury. i had a back episode about a year ago that PARALYZED me for at least 2 days.

i have trauma from not being able to access health care during this time of paralysis. not only do i not have health care I AM AFRAID OF DOCTORS and i need therapy and help to save myself from falling through the cracks of yet again another system. I AM TERRIFIED OF LIVING let alone working one wrong move and i cannot walk or move and i have nothing to help me access a world without legs. i already barely shower and cook food and care for myself properly. i go weeks without caring for my home. i am lost in my head often and when flat out asked how i feel i often cannot explain it or express it not only bc of the aphasia but also bc of alexithymia.

i have repeated trauma from not being able to access medical care. i cannot walk to a hospital from where i live. i do not have 24/7 transportation. i have had MULTIPLE emergencys such as FALLS, BURNS and mental health breakdowns where i have had to "ride it out" on my own alone in my apartment and i genuinely again do not know how i made it out alive.

i have trauma from going through the dehumanizing process of applying for disability. i find it to be insane that i have to prove i have been treating my disability my entire life when part of my needing help with my disability directly stems from the ongoing lack of care and access to it (treatment/healthcare/proof im disabled). PLEASE DONT LET tHIS PART GO OVER YOUR HEAD I FKN BEG YOU. this is inhumane.

autism - suicide attempts ??? i mean i genuinely have no idea how NOGODDAMNBODY in my life never noticed this but in their defense autism WAS NOT nearly as understand communally as it is in 2023 and we got people out here trying to literally kill me just for saying i am autistic so theres a ways to go on that front

adhd - currently this is what is disabling me the most, imo.

depression - suicide attempts 3. i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by my family physician dr. radnothy. he also gave me medical trauma for dismissing basically everything i ever came in to see him about and i have a mole that is growing and changing colors on my side for over 20 years which i recently was told was NOT OK was explicity told to me was perfectly normal.

anxiety - i mean.... lol (i honestly chalk ALL of my anxiety up to autism and the fact that i was genuinely just overwhelmed most of my life but that overwhelm was not a valid excuse in the eyes of the believeres of our lord and savior in the year 2023.

paranoia

bipolar suicide attempts 3

bpd suicide attempts 2

dysautonomia -pots

fibromyalgia

schizophrenia/schizoaffective - during the time i was working i experienced this at its worst and as ive been home since sept 2021 i have experienced the affects of this less and less. at its worst i believed my bosses were all witches in a coven and they were constantly hexing me. i believed they were casting evil spells to make bad things happen in my life. while working at my last employer i:

experienced severe bullying (will provide examples) as the bullying and stress got worse the symtoms of schizoafffective became unmanagable. i think thhis experience triggered adhd and schizophrenia or at least thats the symptoms i experienced the worst.

pandemic started

my self awareness has not always been this good. i have written 15 and 25 page sociolgy reports when i was in college now i can barely put together a bunch of cohesive thoughts for this argument.

i will not survive without receiving these benefits. i want to be a part of society again and benefits would help me do that. please do for me what would have helped me years ago. to know that i was disabled but instead i was raised by an ableist family who would have rather pretended like their kid was okay and bury their head in the sand then admit that your kid needs help and you maybe created a human without truly understanding the ramifications. i mean moreover and disgustingly so my fucked up ablesit family would have rather my 27 year old severely brain damaged mom give birth to me not realizing her disabilities would not only make it nearly impossible to raise a child in a healthy loving environment then waste the opportunity for a man and woman to make a holy family in the eyes of our lord and savior of the year 1984.

willupdatemorewhennotoverwhelmed

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spiritgunpickle · 8 months

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pet death / animal death / alcoholism /disassociation i think tw, it's just a personal thing but i have to write it later and fix it I'm just emotional right now. i'm jjust rambling. I just can't sleep

It's negative

I'm at 1 hour and 45 mins at 24% and I don't have the photos on this

laptop, so I'll have to come back and add them in, but I'm crying a lot right now and I thought I should write it.

I don't know how to start it, so I'm just gonna say.

Today, as I was walking up the pathway to the front door, the black cat from across the street with the little white spot on his chest came towards me from the porch and my heart stuttered for a split second before it came crashing back on me that you're gone bc I rreally thought it was you. I keep feeling like it's going to be a mistake, there's going to be a moment suddenly where you show up meowing at me for breakfast or I'll wake up and you'll be behind my leg

And then the realization hits again that that's never going to happen again.

It's like the feeling I had when I first moved in here and I kept thinking when am I going home, when am I opening the garage or going upstairs, or closing the window in the living room. I haven't lost the feeling, yet, but I don't think of that place as home anymore so eventually I know I won't expect to see you anymore.

I feel so selfish and when I was telling Nahaci about it because I was thinking for a couple minutes that maybe I could adopt the puppy she's trying to get rid of and instead of getting another cat, we would just have three dogs, I could tell she was unimpressed by me. She's feels pity but even if dad would allow the dog and the puppy wasn't going to grow up to be too big for me to handle or it wasn't going to be way too much energy to keep such active dogs mentally/physically stimulated, she wouldn't let me have her especially after hearing about you. I've had some sympathetic responses tell me I can't blame myself, so it was kind of surprising when she asked 'You're going to get another cat?' the way she did and it makes me not want to tell her anything, and makes me feel a little petty.

I really don't want another cat, though, I want to go back to when I was deciding I was going to leave you and Lady at the house with mom and change my mind. I could have said something like it would make the trip easier if I had one animal...... Ultimately it was one animal

But I was thinking of taking Lady because I didn't really trust her not to let her get out into the street if she got drunk one night and the gate didn't latch or something.. but I decided it was going to be 2 days and i would trust her for at least those two days. I left you with mom because she wanted to see you and she wouldn't get the chance for a long while after, but now what is it.

Now she gets the chance too often and it's like making her step on glass, the knowledge that the trip took you away is always going to be there, no matter how much I try to reassure her I dont blame her for it happening

I don't know what she tells you and I don't know what she felt towards you before and after. She had to see you in the worst state because I couldn't look at you and remember you that way. I still wouldn't want to and I couldn't but maybe if I had seen what happened I wouldn't have this strong feeling that you're here or you're going to be sleeping on my car, curled up on the chair, padding across the patio in the backyard. if I hadn't seen you unbroken the last time before she woke me up telling me you were dead, that she thought it must have been instantaneous bc of t he condition of your skull

But I felt like I was unraveling and I deserved it and I had failed the most basic fucking requirement as a pet owner, and I did fail. I got some responses, but the time inbetween what was said and what I was rambling about I was sure that there was no way.

Most of my overly emotional or lonely or broken things aren't important to anyone, I can't share a lot of it with my sisters because they're in the same boat and I don't want to hurt them with my negative feelings but whatever crying I might have done while I was holding you if you were still here, I didn't tell you all this so I don't know why I'm rambling so much

Maybe if I had taken my meds while I was down there I would have reacted more quickly to the idea that I needed to bring you in the house and set you up back upstairs, it really seemed like the balding was coming back so if you had gotten sick it would have been something you should be in the house for anyways

I can think of a lot of maybe scenarios but none of those matter

I took for granted you were going to be okay and this entire post is just a jumple of fucking.. emotional scribbling so I need to redo it because this isn't good enough but I'm writing it so I'll write it and then think of something more polished and heartfelt to remember you by

I'm just emotinal all of a sudden and thinking about you being here and how you first came up to me in the snow and then kept coming by the house and I don't know I don't think that. If we hadn't ultimately brought you into the house I'm sure you would have died sooner. You and that little black and white cat that I thought might be from the same litter as you would have ended up freezing or getting eaten or getting hit by a car... months before it happened. I thought once I got back I would see the little orange cat but the only one I see is the black cat and I wonder if he was a stray and got hurt, too

I think I prolongued your life but I don't know, you had lived months and months before we moved in and you were fed by everyone

I hate that couple that abandoned you to the streets because I think maybe if they had taken you with them you would still be alive and I wouldn't know any of this

Sarah doesn't know still

Neither does her neighbor who knew you as Richard

Your old owner who was so happy you weren't so shy anymore will never know either, but the other two or at least Sarah have to know eventually and I'm scared because I feel like I took a cat that didn't belong to me that was theirs and didn't protect him

I think of all the things I did while I was down there that were so complacent and lackluster and wonder if I even cared until you got hit

I still really want you here. I stillreally want a cat here, I feel like I need a cat, I emotionally need a cat, I love Lady and Hazel, but it's not the same, but I can't get a cat because all I really want is you and I know if I get a cat I will still just think about you, I will see that cat and think 'But where is Fancy' whether it's just the expectation or an actual thought, so I'm not ready for it, but I really do need a cat. I want to wait, I want to make sure I'm not still expecting you or time has helped me a little bit, but

I never failed as badly with any animal as I have with you and I wish you were here with me. Even if all that happened was you ran away and found another family, it would be better. If you vanished and I constantly called mom, even when she was as obnoxiously drunnk as she has been getting, just to see if she might have seen you or you had come back because you ran away when I was in Oregon, it would be fine. Knowing exactly what happend and knowing where you're buried and knowing you're never going to be with me again

Why can't you come back, I'm going to sound like a toddler and ask that

There should be something

I can't even handle this much, I'm pathetic but you never should have been made to suffer such a terrible pet ownere why didn't I just make sure you were in for the night at the very least I don't know when it happene maybe you would have been okay, maybe it was that fucking monster that likes to speed through at 2 in the morning and you would have been okay if you hadn't been outside

mom thinks it was a construction truck and because of that i hate the construction site now. whatever work they do around the area i'm always going to remember it might have been one of their fucking trucks

I'm really floating now so I have to stop because I can'tell my hands are attached to my body

#it's very negative #if you read more it's kind of do you like the color of the sky but i'm crying and i miss my cat

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re-ikrmso · 1 year

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random ideas I had for stories/might apply to story: just wanna put my thoughts down. YAY IDEAS!!

-isekai, except it’s revealed that the gods have been purposefully killing people in order to send them to act as “heroes” to thier world

=subpoint-ish to above, can act as it’s own thing: the gods have been actively targeting vulnerable people to entice them to stay in the world they’ve been isekaied to

-isekai, except that one of the members is a “failed” chosen one, and when the villian tempts them to go home they very much consider it. But they stop. Why? Oh, n on ono. they fucking hate this land. They hate the countries, the flith, the unfamiliarity, they miss thier home. They didn’t stop because they liked you. They stopped because whatever plan the villian had would kill a vast majority of people, and the fallen hero has moral standards

=alternatively, after villian is defeated, hero and villian bond over the fact that they hate some parts of the world. Sometimes it’s good to have someone you an hate things with together. (kind of.)

=isekai villian is revealed to have been also a former failed chosen one, who decided that if they can’t go home, then they should make the best of thier situation....by taking it out on the world that they’re trapped in currently.

=the gods are dicks. sort of. at first, the more “villianous” gods used puppets/vessels to wreack havoc and the opposing gods felt it was unfair for. a god to decimate a mortal so they sent someone in theri place, but now there’s been this long standing ‘nuetrality’. None of the gods will get invovled directly anymore. if they get invovled, then so will the other ones.

=idea or take on isekaied kid/teen who is scared out of there nerves, gets approached by the villian and with his useage of clever words and appeals to the scared youth leading him to estienally doom the world he’s stuck in. //I’ve written something like this before as an “what-if”scenario for another person’s story. It’s a bit dated and some characters are horribly ooc due to new info and some are already ooc already due to, again: new information that shifts thier reasoning and morals. I will ramble about it here though. because i fucking can. also i’ve never shared it publicly aside from one person and no im not gonna name the story cause if word gets out im writiin fuckin fics gets to the author im going to die of shame.

==MINI OFF-COURSE RAMBLE: Scenario I wrote was set at least multiple years or long enough for the main protag to gain the second mcguffin from what is an embodiment of light. It’s not stated outright, but there are enough implications i left that the embodiment of light lied to the protagonist about knowing how to send him home--not to mention said embodiment is a murderous psycho--leads to some very not nice things. Protagonist also is residing in a dead person’s body (which they have managed to ignore, but another side character that knew the dead person looks down on them and sees them as jjust lesser than thier deceased friend). There is also a myrad of courrption in the place they’re staying at, they cannot go home, and are incorrectly hailed as a chosen one for the world. The protag feels isolated, and could not reach out for a long time, causing desperation and decent amounts of resentment to build. When the embodiment of darkness rolls around, protag is expecting to be murdered but are instead offered a deal, and for the first time in almost years, they have someone that says the things they’ve wanted to say gave them the things they wanted to hear, and actually...respected them. I was orginally going to end it on an ambigious note on whether protag accepted, but I wanted to write imagery so bad and at the end, protag accepts the deal. (he does actually get sent back and not killed, but i never included that part.) i mostly wrote that story cause the idea was in me head and while writing i had a whole bunch of scenes pop up in my head //which in part contributed to the ooc-ness of the characters but hey! it was prettyyy fun. haha. so much pain.

--ill probably make another one of these whenever these ideas pop up and decide to stab me again AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BYE

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somnolenceses · 1 year

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oct 31 2022

trick or treat! long time no see

not vent-y. ive long past any use for this blog anymore, really. but ive been thinking a lot lately. its no surprise that i have some not-so-stellar memory so i dont really remember things unless i REALLY think about it. kind of like a certain white hair character ive been playing for a while. but recently ive been able to actually, truly reflect on my past actions and now, it truly baffles me that people love me or want to continue interactions with me.

it really baffles me even that people havent shut me out or be like 'you're horrible by the way, i can't believe you at some point believed you were a good person before it all hit you in 2019 that you're very, very horrible actually.' people are too kind, aren't they? you are more inclined to believe someone hasn't done anything wrong when you think they haven't but in truth they have. the other week i was thinking there is truly nothing but benefit to killing myself. unattractive, no matter how less i eat now, (im not, nor have i ever, grazed anywhere near the super concerning levels so, really, if anything there is no bad behind this and its good for me) even uglier underneath, now i really know no matter what i do i'm forever going to be weird and awkward and i'll forever be an outcast even to the groups i'm in, completely incapable of being competent. even my friends mentioned they did not like me before befriending me, and they make jokes at my expense sometimes, and i wonder if i somehow have manipulated them. even the one i love. god i couldn't even bear it. so many times i felt like i've cheated them out of someone better, someone more proper to deal with them, someone more competent and it makes me wonder what the hell i did to trick them into liking me and making so many promises. i just cannot, im sorry. it's one of the most confusing things in my life. i am nothing but unworthy. i feel i am only meant to give love to others, not be loved. that sort of reciprocation is just not for me, i think. sometimes i feel too awful in the head to properly help them but i force myself to suck it up and push it down even if the thought of replying stresses me out and makes me feel worse. but that's jjust what people do for eachother, don't they? so i feel bad because i feel like i'm making it out to be their fault when it's really not. at all. who knows if i can even do anything to save them? i can't even kill myself anymore because i'd just be abandoning them when they need me the most, and in a way, that's good but it feels like that lack of ironic freedom kills me in a way. i'm not sad any more over this, really. those days are past me now. i guess it's just a part of maturing. that life is not what you ever will want it to be, and you're just locked into a pretty unhappy or undesirable future no matter what. though, i guess if i ever get selfish enough (as if i wasn't enough), or god decides it is my time, i hope he makes it quick and painless. it's a bit too much to ask for, but whatever. didn't really ask to be a person anyways i'd rather just observe life. but as edgy and joker arc-y as it sounds i guess the greatest freedom of all (life) is the most cripplingly oppressive. i probably don't even mean that last sentence i thought it somewhat sounded nice. i am just a natural liar through my teeth. though it prevents me from stupidity like this, haha. anyways i have been enjoying FE13 and FE14 in the time i have been inactive. i love jakob he's so nice for being a typical butler character.

https://youtu.be/6ZfImwCMI6w

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tsvkishma · 3 years

Text

you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?

series: my hero academia / boku no hero academia

pairings: katsuki bakugo x reader

length: 5k words

warnings: swearing, mentions of making out (w/ a minor), breach of privacy??

tags: secret relationship, enemies to lovers, high school AU, reader-insert

summary: the mutual agreement between you and your bf to keep your relationship on the DL is about to be ruined when he makes the stupid mistake to leave his phone on the table for the whole class to see

author’s note: i’m so sorry! i really tried to make it gender neutral, but it was female leaning... i apologize! i’m still pretty new to writing dis homie so please be lenient when it comes to character accuracy lol. i also apologize for the messy, unstructured writing. also thank u to bae @izvkos for proofreading!

Just as you were getting ready to doze off, the school bell rang, startling you and making you jerk up from your comfortable position on the desk with your head in your arms. Some of your classmates got up to stretch, since it was the break time between classes. Unfortunately, it had only been the end of third period and you had a long school day to go through. You let out a low groan of disappointment. I guess I’ll have to keep myself awake just a little bit longer.

To be honest, you didn’t mean to stay up all night... it was just that you couldn’t help binge-watching your favorite show last night. You convinced yourself that you were only going to watch one episode before you went to sleep... then one lead to two... then three... and then before you knew it, the birds started chirping. But, hey! It wasn’t your fault that it was so addicting!

“Oi.”

You look up to see Bakugo peering over you with his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face, “Tch, you don’t look so good today. Didn’t get enough sleep? How are you gonna be a pro hero with those bad habits of yours?”

You scoffed, “Oh, fuck off. Sorry I don’t go to sleep at 8 every night… grandpa.”

“Yeah, yeah. Make fun of me all you want, but who’s gonna be laughing when you fail your exams next week. I see you dozing off in class, you act like Aizawa-sensei doesn’t even notice,” Bakugo grunts.

You coo, “Awe, is blasty-boy watching me during class? I didn’t know you were this deeply in love with me! So cute.”

His face went red for a moment before his usual angry expression returned, “I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU DAMMIT! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR STUPID CRAP LIKE THAT!”

“Y/n! Stop teasing Bakugo like that! You know he can’t handle it...” Mina chimed in, joining the fun.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T HANDLE IT?! ” screamed Bakugo.

“Quiet down back there.,” threatened Cementoss as he entered the class to prepare his next lesson.

You and Mina were just laughing at your classmate screaming his head off, it was always an amusing sight if anything. Even though Bakugo denies having a crush on you, it wasn’t true. And you knew that. He had a fat crush on you, but it was more than that! He was your boyfriend.

You guys had kept your relationship on the down-low for about a month now, your relationship only became official about a week ago, but you guys had been going on dates prior. Bakugo wanted to keep your relationship a secret, you know, to protect his ego or whatever since there has always been a rivalry between the two of you and everyone in Class 1-A was painfully aware of it. He was too proud to let anyone know that he fell for someone he once vouched as his enemy.

There was always constant bickering between the two of you. Whether it be something minute or something that you would argue over for a couple of days. It’s not like the arguments were unintentional because they were started just to spite the other. Bickering would start about each other’s fighting technique in battle or even accusing the other of stealing their food from the shared fridge in the dorms.

The rest of your class was so sick and tired of the ongoing feud so one day, they set out a plan (led by Kaminari and Kirishima) to lock you two in a room just to sort out your differences. They set a date where they would trick you two into thinking that there was a class activity that everyone had to attend, but it would just be you two to show up and you would smash the beef between you two, and BOOM! Problem solved.

Just as the day came for the plan, something was weirdly off about you two. The morning of, you two both came into class at the same time and it was dead silent between you two. No bickering, no petty comments, and no evil stares. As more and more people were arriving, they would immediately notice the weird tension in the air. It was strangely quiet, not just because you and Bakugo were silent, but because everyone else was too. The thought of you guys not constantly at each other’s necks that morning sort of put off the rest of the class. It felt weird to talk over the dead silence when they were so used to your guys’ voices as ambiance while they were in conversation.

As the day went on, nothing changed and you guys were still silent and ignoring each other. Obviously, everyone was suspicious about what exactly happened between you two to make you ignore one another. There was no way that you guys were angry at each other because when you were, both of you made it clear by arguing and yelling loudly.

However, before anyone had the chance to ask why you guys were so quiet, Bakugo decided to approach you for the first time between class periods. At this point, the class was back to normal and having regular conversations with one another during break time, but all of their eyes were on you two, and their voices hushed to pay attention to the tense interaction shared between you two.

“Oi. Let’s talk,” said Bakugo bluntly.

You looked up at his crimson red eyes for a second before looking away as if his presence wasn’t even there. At this point, you didn’t know what to say to him, yet. This fired up Bakugo because within a second he started yelling again.

“HEY DUMBASS! YOU DON’T GET TO IGNORE ME LIKE THAT!” he screamed.

You turned to meet his glare annoyed, “Oh, shut the fuck up. I don’t owe you shit. Leave me alone.”

He tested, “The fuck did you say to me, idiot?!”

“Fuck off, dipshit, all you ever wanna do is yell! And might I add- you do it loudly. Are you such a fucking grandpa that you can’t even hear yourself speak? Can you ever jjust shut. the. fuck. UP!” you yelled back.

The arguing continued and the rest of Class 1-A continued with their previous conversations after seeing you guys back to normal. The tension between you guys soon left their minds as they continued with the rest of their day. Unbeknownst to them, the night before you two were arguing like usual in the kitchen area of the dorms before Bakugo made his first move on you.

The argument started with you getting angry at Bakugo for making a mess on the counter after spilling some of his water. It was late at night and no one else was around and you two happened to wake up around the same time to get a drink of water.

“You idiot, clean up your fucking mess. You spilled it all over the counter,” you said as you gestured to the spilled water.

“Tch. I didn’t spill shit. If it bothers you so much, why don’t you go clean it up yourself?” he groaned as he leaned against the counter.

Appalled, you grabbed the roll of paper towels and threw it at his head. He was caught off guard as the roll of paper hit his forehead. It fell and rolled out onto the floor. Now, he was truly annoyed.

“Fuck was that for, huh?!” he said staring at you, smoke practically coming out of his ears.

You laughed, “Just giving you a hand since it seemed like you were too fucking lazy to grab the paper towels yourself. Seems like the grandpa’s getting too old to do stuff for himself, boohoo.”

He growled, rage evident in his face. You laughed to yourself looking away from his face. The next thing you knew, he grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you against the fridge behind you. You were pinned by his big, rough hands and he was closer to your face than usual, yet still enraged.

You tried to wiggle out of his grip, but it was useless, “Let go of me, idiot! You need to learn how to take a fucking joke.”

He didn’t respond, but he kept his eyes on your face. You tried moving away, but now his grip on your shoulders tightened, making your breath hitch.

“What the fuck is your problem? You want me to say sorry or something? Did the paper towel knock the fucking sense out of you? Let me go!” you argued.

“What happened to all your fucking hero training? Can’t get out of my grip, huh? How pathetic,” he growled in a low tone.

You felt his eyes piercing into your own and it was making you a little bit uncomfortable. He’s never been physical with you, even with the constant bickering between you guys. This was a side of him you’ve never seen.

You started, “Look, did I hurt your feelings or something? Did I hit you really hard on the head? There’s no point in holding me against the fridge. Plus, the handle is kind of hurting my back-”

“Shut up,” he stated plainly.

He looked away, avoiding eye contact with you. Okay.... suspicious much...

You tried moving once again, then he pulled you up from the fridge only to slam you back against it, but this time harder.

“Why can’t you just fucking stay still?!” he started yelling.

“Ow! Because you’re being a fucking weirdo! There’s something fucking wrong with you, it’s starting to creep me out! What the fuck are your intentions anyway, huh?!” you argued back.

His calmness fading, he yelled back, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL YOU EVER DO IS GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES LIKE YOU KNOW EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD!”

His face was inching closer and closer to your face with each word pouring from his mouth. You smirked at this.

You laughed, teasing, “Oh, you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?”

He immediately froze after hearing that sentence spill from your mouth and avoided eye contact yet again. Oddly enough, he returned to his calmer self... If you didn’t know any better, it was obvious that that sentence held some truth with him.

“Look just-”

Before you could finish your sentence, his lips crashed onto yours. Your eyes shot wide open at the shock of the situation. Bakugo Katsuki fucking kissed you... Bakugo Katsuki. The Bakugo Katsuki who always argued with you. The Bakugo Katsuki who always got on your nerves. THAT Bakugo Katsuki.

Taking you away from your thoughts, he pulled away from the kiss. He examined your face for your reaction, but you were frozen in place with your eyes shot wide open. You didn’t know what to do, as if you were a computer and you were going through some code that you weren’t programmed to handle. He looked away and scoffed at himself, mumbling.

“Of course, she didn’t fucking like that, idiot...” he mumbled.

His grip on you loosened and his hands were brought to his side and he couldn’t bear to look at you in the face again. Breaking from your frozen state, you focused your eyes on him. He pulled his face away from your point of view and was scratching his neck in embarrassment and you could notice the light blush spread on his cheeks. You felt a little tug on your heart that you’ve never felt before when looking at him. At that moment, he was just so freaking cute.

Mentally telling yourself that you’re gonna regret this later, you grabbed his face in your hands and pulled him closer to you again. Your lips locked with his and you closed your eyes to bask in the moment. Only this time, Bakugo’s eyes were shot wide open, but only for a second. Relief soon spread across his face and his eyes rested on your waist, pulling you closer.

Both of you guys wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, the rivalry between you two completely non-existent. As all good things must come to an end, you pulled away from him and your eyes made contact for a second before you both looked away, blushing. Realization soon hit you and you didn’t know what to do next.

“I-”

“Uh-”

You guys stuttered at the same time, making eye contact for a second before looking away. The atmosphere between the two of you was confusing. Before you could think of another thing to say, he spoke up first.

“Good night,” he said.

He walked away swiftly and turned the corner to the hallway towards his dorm. You stood for a few seconds not knowing what to think. You released the breath that you didn’t realize you were holding in and proceeded to walk towards your dorm room. Leaving the kitchen a bit of a mess for the night.

The next day it was Kaminari who was blamed for leaving the paper towel on the floor and some spilled water on the counter. Poor boy.

Now, the relationship that you had with ‘blasty-boy’ would probably seem complicated and confusing in the eyes of others, but you two were pretty content with where you guys were at. There was an unspoken agreement that you would keep your relationship under wraps. You knew how Bakugo always tried to upkeep his ego of being the best. You’ve always assumed that he didn’t want anyone to know he had a soft spot for you. And you didn’t necessarily mind not sharing your relationship out in the open, anyway. I mean, you guys only just made your relationship official, but it was a little hard to keep your mouth shut when you desperately wanted to gush about him with the other girls of Class 1-A.

Although, you guys have managed to maintain the rivalry between you guys in front of the others. It’s not like you guys were faking it, though. Only now, you guys saw it as fun, meaningless banter and meant nothing by it. The few times that you’ve got to spend with Bakugo alone were completely different from when you would be with him as a group.

On one of your more recent dates, he invited you to watch a movie in his dorm room and he was so adamant about keeping you close to him throughout the movie. At one point in the night, you tried to get up to use the restroom real quick and his arm around your waist pulled you back down, making you fall onto his lap and you stared up at him. He ignored you and stared at the laptop screen.

“Uh... I need to go pee. Let me go, please?” you smiled up at him.

He gave you a glance and reverted his stare to the screen again, “No.”

“What do you mean no? I drank so much water because the popcorn was too salty... come on. You want me to pee on you or something?” you joked.

He laughed, “So, what if I do?”

You sat up and his gaze finally met yours and his signature smirk was plastered on his face.

You grabbed one of his pillows and hit him with it, “Ew, you’re so fucking gross! I’m going.”

He laughed and finally allowed you to leave, but rest assured, he snuggled up with you when you came back.

Right now, you were hanging with the rest of your class in the common room. On Fridays, you guys all agreed to a movie night after a long week of classes. You were sitting with the rest of the girls, settled between Momo and Mina. The movie hasn’t started yet since everyone was starting to get comfortable and settled in. A few of your classmates were grabbing popcorn and other snacks in the kitchen while the rest of you guys were just chatting. Somehow, the conversation between the girls evolved into talking about relationships.

“Oh my god! There was this really cute guy that I accidentally bumped into at lunch and apparently he’s a third-year! I hope I bump into him again, he was seriously cute,” gushed Mina.

“That’s so cute, Mina! I wish I had, like, ANY romantic interactions. My life’s so boring...” groaned Ochaco.

“Same,” said Hagakure.

The rest of the girls sort of nodded in agreement, but you just sat there sipping your juice pouch loudly.

“Y/n? You’re awfully quiet,” teased Tsu as she nudged you with her elbow.

“Well, I mean-”

“What are you ladies talking about over here, huh?” said Denki as he and the other boys inched closer to the girls to join their conversation.

Momo spoke up, “Seems like Y/n over here has a crush!”

You covered your face in embarrassment, “No I do not! It’s... uh... look we’re just... talking?”

Kirishima teased, “Awe so who’s the lucky individual?”

“Yeah, I wanna know who captured our Y/n’s heart,” laughed Sero.

“It’s no one...” you said after trying to recover after digging yourself in a deeper hole.

“Hey, Bakugo. How do you feel about Y/n’s new crush, huh? Maybe your love for her isn’t reciprocated after all...” started Kaminari before Bakugo stood from his seat on the couch and grabbed his shirt to intimidate him.

He growled, “I don’t have a crush on Y/n. How many times do I have to tell you idiots that?!”

“You’re just jealous that Y/n’s significant other is probably hotter than you!” laughed Mina.

Visibly annoyed at the situation, Bakugo walks away rolling his eyes and mumbling, “Tch. Can’t believe I go to school with a bunch of idiots...”

“Awe, can’t take it anymore? Your love for me is so strong that it pains you to listen to this conversation, huh, Bakugo?” you teased.

“Shut up. I’m going to the bathroom,” he said plainly.

The rest of your classmates on the couch got a laugh in before the topic of your potential significant other died down into smaller topics within different people. Those who were in the kitchen preparing the snacks for everyone finally came back and everyone was finding their seats around the TV and your boyfriend had yet to come back.

You pulled out your phone to text him and right as you did, Iida turned off the lights.

“Yo, Y/n. Turn off your phone it’s too bright and the movie’s about to start,” nudged Mina.

You apologized, “Sorry. I’ll turn it off in a minute I just need to text someone.”

You pulled up your boyfriend’s text log and typed in a message for him:

yo blasty boy why arent u back from the bathroom the movies starting

...also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle (lowkey of course hehe)

After sending those two messages, you put away your phone in your pocket. Everyone was concentrated on the movie and you set your attention on the TV screen until...

PING PING

A phone on the coffee table lit up brightly while making two loud notification pings. Everyone lost focus on the movie and looked over at the phone on the table. No doubt that it was your grandpa of a boyfriend’s phone pinging. Before you could do something, Kirishima grabbed it.

“Who the hell didn’t turn off their ringer? And why is it so damn loud..” laughed Sero.

Kirishima’s eyes scanned his phone for a quick second before his eyes widened and he covered his mouth in surprise.

“Holy shit! Bakugo has a girlfriend!” yelled Kirishima.

You couldn’t help but cover your face in your blanket... Bakugo was about to be so mad at you. Your secret would be out and honestly, you were glad, but you know that your boyfriend didn’t want anyone to find out anytime soon. At least, not like this.

Everyone turned to Kirishima, suddenly losing interest in the movie playing in front of them.

“Oh my god, you’re joking!” squealed Yaoyorozu.

Ojiro claimed, “There’s no way that Bakugo has a girlfriend. Not that hothead.”

“Bro, I’m not joking! And guess what... it’s someone in this room!” exclaimed Kirishima.

Everyone starts looking around the class, silently accusing their classmates of being the culprit.

“Look what they said: ‘also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle‘! Someone better start speaking upppppp!” said Kaminari teasingly as he got the phone from the red-haired boy.

“So, who is it?” grinned Ochako.

Sero peeked at the phone in Kirishima’s hands, “There’s no name, it just says ‘dumbass’. That’s so like Bakugo.”

You sighed in relief. You didn’t know that Bakugo didn’t have your contact as your actual name.

“G-guys! I don’t think Kacchan would want us to go through his phone...” protested Midoriya.

“Midoriya is right! This is not respectful behavior, we should respect our classmate’s privacy,” Iida said matter-of-factly.

Kaminari replied, “Aw, come on you guys are no fun! It’s harmless, anyway! If it really is someone in our class, we were bound to find out! It’s inevitable!”

You grab the phone from him and said, “Wow, Kaminari, I didn’t know you had the vocabulary capacity for the word inevitable! Now, let me see this...”

Lo and behold, your messages were shown on the screen under the name ‘dumbass’. You tried to analyze the situation and how you could use this small sliver of anonymity to your advantage. You concluded that just trying to play off the situation would be the best thing to do-

“Woah, woah, woah. What’s that as Bakugo’s wallpaper?” said Mina as she slowly grabbed the phone from your hands.

Right then, a horror scene played out right in front of your eyes. As everyone was standing crowded around the phone (whether they agreed with peering through your boyfriend’s phone or not), they were looking at the brightly-lit device in the pink girl’s hands and she deleted the notifications to show his very-telling wallpaper… you could say there was a slight miscalculation in your plan as you failed to notice earlier that his wallpaper was the two of you... making out.

You couldn’t bear to look at what was on his phone as everyone let out their gasps. It was too embarrassing, everyone seeing such an intimate moment on your boyfriend’s phone. Bakugo had taken that picture on a whim one night when you two were having one of your movie nights. When he did that, you were shocked because there was no way that Bakugo took pictures of himself ever. Honestly, you were shocked to see that he knew how to take a selfie. Nonetheless, you peeked through your fingers at the phone in Mina’s hand just for a bit.

To your surprise, he set the wallpaper to LIVE MODE. Live mode...... Everyone was watching you guys make out in action like it was a fucking movie.

That motherfucker...

The silence of realization was then disrupted as the girls let out their squeals and the whole class was causing a commotion while the boys high-fived each other as if they won a competition or something. Everyone was up and moving, a strong contrast from them mere minutes ago when they were lounging around on the couch and floor. Sero was shaking your shoulders as you covered your face in your hands. Your face was heating up from all the embarrassment and you couldn’t bear to look at any of your classmates after what they just witnessed.

You didn’t know what to think. Half of you were completely embarrassed that your friends just saw you in an embarrassing scenario and half of you were angry at Bakugo because this was all his fault! Who the fuck puts such an intimate moment as their wallpaper?! Why not something cute? And of course, it had to be a live photo…

You finally peered through your hands again to see the scene in front of you. Mina was laughing so hard on the couch that she was on the verge of tears.

“I CAN’T BREATHE! NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I EVER EXPECT THIS SHIT!” she cried.

Most of the boys were still jumping up and down like some monkeys due to the sheer excitement and energy in the room. Uraraka walked up to you and smiled widely while placing her hands firmly on your shoulders.

“Wow! Who would’ve thought that you and Bakugo were a thing! I honestly didn’t see that coming… sorry that we all had to find out that way. I was a little too absorbed in the excitement to consider how you felt,” said the round-faced girl.

With your face still red, you said, “Don’t worry about it… it was bound to happen soon enough, right? Although, now I’m a little embarrassed, but I guess I’m kind of relieved that I don’t have to put much effort into hiding our relationship anymore.”

Yaoyorozu chimed in, “Honestly, this is more entertaining than the movie we were just watching!”

You laughed along with the other girls who were nearby. On the other side of the room, the boys were making a train throughout the room and singing.

“Uh, y/n,” interrupted Asui, “Look.”

The man-of-the-hour walked in the room with his hands in his pockets with his usual grumpy expression. He stopped to examine the room and stared quietly at the energetic group of boys.

He scoffed, “What are you nerds doing? Why aren’t you guys watching the fucking movie, huh?”

He looked around the room until his eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, which caught his attention. Your mind was racing a mile a minute trying to think of an excuse. Your gaze averted to the ground, but you could hear his footsteps heading your way.

“Since when did your socks suddenly get so interesting that you can’t look me in the eyes?” teased Bakugo.

He brought his hand up to your chin and lifted your face to meet his gaze. His playful smirk instantly dropped once he saw your expression. Your eyes were borderline teary and seemed lost, like a sad puppy.

He whispered so that only you could hear, “Baby… what’s up?”

You wanted to give in to his touch at that very moment and run into his arms, but you resisted because you knew that it would be too selfish given how you just broke your guys’ agreement. You didn’t deserve to be in his embrace right now, he was seconds away from finding out that your guys’ secret came out accidentally all because you sent a random text. You pulled your face away from his grip and moved away from him.

“W-wait, what-” he started.

“HEYYYYYYYYYYY, BAKUBRO!” said Kaminari and he wrapped an arm around him (much to Bakugo’s dismay), “How come you didn’t tell your buddies that you had a soft side to you, huh?”

Bakugo grunted, “What the fuck are you going on about?”

Kirishima chimed, “You know, you shouldn’t leave your phone out in the open like that… it makes you vulnerable!”

Still confused he said, ”Did worms get in your brains? We’ve been only one day off from school and you start lacking common sense?”

To his surprise, you walk up with his phone in your hand while keeping eye contact, unlike earlier.

“Sherlock, I thought you would’ve connected the dots by now,” you sighed, with a tinge of sadness behind it, “Your wallpaper… really?”

You hold up the phone up to his face and his reaction was almost humorous to you. His eyes widened and his face was painted with a light tint of pink.

For the first time in your life, you witnessed your boyfriend at a loss for words. The rest of your class watched the whole interaction and some restrained laughs were let out and they were all back to square one, laughing like maniacs. You were about to join in and laugh with them when you realized again what the situation at hand was. You were scared of how Bakugo would react since this would be the first rift in your relationship and you didn’t want to have a genuine argument with him, especially with how angry he could get. Suddenly, you felt a pair of hands grasp yours and you look up to see your boyfriend smiling at you.

“I-”

Before you could say a single word, he hauls you on his shoulder, and you yelp in surprise. You don’t know how you ended up in this position, but now you’re dangling off of him and now you’re staring at the ground. (Also, his face was dangerously close to your ass, but you didn’t mention it.) He starts walking away and away from the commotion towards his dorm room. Before you can protest, he leans his head on your body causing you to freeze up. You could feel his warmth from his body heat against your shirt.

“You know… I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you,” he says quietly.

Your brain took time to process that sentence… was Bakugo actually not mad? Most importantly, who knew such sweet words could come out of his mouth? You couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh of relief and you relaxed a bit.

Wanting to tease him, you said, “Sorry, you were too quiet. Could you repeat that again?”

He groaned, “I said… I’m not mad at you, I could never be.”

You giggled, “I know. I heard you the first time, but I thought my ears were deceiving me… Katsuki Bakugo is saying something nice for once? Whatttt…”

He shook you a little, “Forget it. You didn’t hear anything.”

Raising yourself a little, you patted your boyfriend on the head, “Nope. Remembering that phrase forever and ever.”

“Whatever.”

You smiled, “Whatever!”

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linkspooky · 4 years

Text

A Mafia Member Who Doesn’t Kill

Bungou Stray Dogs chapter 88 has made it clear to me just how strong the Akutagawa and Odasaku parallels are. They are both orphans, raised to kill and taught their only value is the strength of their abilities that they use for killing, only to slowly unlearn that behavior over time. They are both characters who value life above everything else. I’m going to explore the connection more in depth, under the cut.

1. Origins

The temptation might be to parallel Oda to Atsushi, and Akutagawa to Dazai. Not only is Akutagawa Dazai’s first and direct disciple, and currently wearing his coat, but Atsushi has always been “the good one” of the pairing. The one obsessed with being good, and saving people in the way Oda was. Oda is also the closest thing Bungou Stray Dogs has to an example of living the life of “a good man” that all the main characters are currently striving for. However, I would say that it’s Akutagawa who parallels Oda’s life far more than Atsushi.

Of course Akutagawa parallels Dazai’s life quite a lot as well.He was recruited by Dazai the same way Dazai was recruited by Mori,wears Dazai’s jacket as his most precious possession, but he shares so much in common with Oda too including his origin.

In their youth they’re both referred to as killers who kill without showing any emotion. They start out completely empty and dead to all feelings inside, because neither of them have experienced anything to give them a reason to value life.

Fukuzawa suddenly recalled a rumor he had heard about a young redheaded hit man who wielded two pistols, and killed his targets while never showing any emotions. - BSD LN 3

They both kill because they’re strong, and that’s all they’re seen as. Both boys, orphans with nothing else to live for have been gifted with incredibly strong abilities. They kill, they don’t relish in it, they don’t gain anything from it unlike men in positions of power like Mori Ougai because they are ultimately tools, but they kill nonetheless.

“I’ve been working alone as an assassin for as long as I can remember,” he began. “I’ve never wanted friends or a boss... but seeing a martial artist like you compromise your principles to save one of your men... It makes me kinda jealous. He must be the happiest guy in the world to have you as a boss.” - BSD LN 3

They both start killing as a means of survival, because they are both orphans who have no one to care for them and look out for them. However, they also slowly over time begin to kill as a way to demonstrate their worth. Akutagawa was an orphan who lost the small amount of friends he was protecting, Oda had no organization he was working for, no connections their lives are utterly empty except for their strength so they come to understand killing as something that gives their life meaning and value. If only because there is nothing else for them.

However, for both of them killing isn’t enough. It’s merely surviving not living. Which is why no matter how strong they become they both remain empty, and they both feel insufficient, and even jealous of others. Oda is jealous of Fuzukawa’s connection to his subordinate, Akutagawa is jealous of Atsushi who is valued and connected to everyone around him and treated better by Dazai. This jealousy is also a realization that they are missing something in themselves but they don’t know what.

Most skilled hitmen looked down on others as if they were insects. Their eyes were cold and lacked compassion. But this boy’s were different. They weren’t cold or any temperature. They were just empty. Not only was there no compassion or kindness, there was no hate or passion to kill. His eyes were those of a person who had given up on hope and despair - the eyes of a person who had removed himself from emotional things. - BSD LN 3

Both Akutagawa and Oda start at a point where they are killing, not because they enjoy it, or they’re particularly sadistic, or think they are just or right. They kill because it’s the only thing they’re good at. They kill to demonstrate worth.

This kid’s different from the old me. Perhaps he never felt any joy from killing others. He was probably only killing because he had nothing to do. - BSD LN3

This also plays into a fundamental misunderstanding that Atsushi has of Akutagawa. He basically views Akutagawa as a bully who kills people to flaunt his strength in front of others.

He doesn’t realize that Akutagawa is strong yes, but that’s all he is. He clings to that strength, because he’s been given no other alternative. He hasn’t been given nearly the opportunities that Atsushi has. If there is a difference between Oda and Akutagawa, Akutagawa is noticably angrier, more resentful, but that’s because anger is the first emotion he ever definitely felt.

I feel hatred. I am no longer a dog. I have become a human being with feelings of my own. -’A Heartless Dog’

Akutagawa and Oda are both boys who lived considerably empty lives, that is until they meet somebody who shows them an alternative and changes their lives forever. Oda and Akutagawa meet someone and from then on they want to find meaning in their lives.

2. An Assassin Who Doesn’t Kill

Akutagawa kills without hesitance, and yet I would say he’s the only character in the manga who values life as much as Oda does. This might seem like a paradox but both of their characters are built around this paradox. That’s why they become mafia members who do not kill.

Akutagawa’s response to the old man in the latest chapter seems sassy, but Akutagawa’s never sassy, he’s overly serious and sincere about everything. He’s saying what he really thinks. All people are equally alive. Akutagawa is someone especially aware of the value of life, because in the past his life was treated as something so worthless.

He was not afraid to die. He was thinking perhaps even hell would be a better place to live then here. JJust continuing to live in this state was suffering, after all.

[...]

What’s the point of our lives? He had once asked travelers in their place this equestion. Why Must I go on living?

It’s because they have both lived through the absolute worst circumstances, that they value life more, and go on searching for these answers. Akutagawa equally treats life as worthless (kills people without hesitation) and also values life (tries to give people a reason to live, tries to justify his own life, tries to fight against the idea that someone from the slums lives a meaningless life).

When Kyouka finds a reason to live even though he’s not the one that gave it to her, he’s genuinely happy for her. Because Akutagawa values life, and wants people to find a meaning in life even though he kills.

Akutagawa is currently on the same path Oda is on. The lines in this scene are vague because they’re meant to apply to both Dazai and Akutagawa. He met a certain person, joined a certain organization, and the hope for death in his eyes vanished.

Oda gave Dazai reason. Dazai gave Akutagawa reason. Oda was also given reason when he met Natsume. All three continue on with a life of empty killing until an outside force intervenes and teaches them there could be something more to life.

They both come across someone who tells them that there is more to life than just killing. That they are capable of more than that, and they actually follow through and stop killing. Because, Akutagawa, and Oda deep down respect life. As cruel and heartless as they can be, Akutagawa is also one of the most heartfelt and respectful characters in the series when he opens up.

Akutagawa and Oda are people who understand other people on a level deep down, because they’re genuinely interested in the lives of others. Akutagawa is the only person who thinks about Atushi in a deep way, in ways Atusshi doesn’t even really want to understand himself. Oda is the first person to treat Dazai like a person, behind the genius. They understand, even the ugly parts of people because they don’t really look away from the dark parts of the world, of life, because no one’s experienced life’s cruelty like they have. Oda sees Dazai for who he is, and tells him that helping people probably won’t make him feel good, and that he’ll never feel good, but he should help people anyway because he’s capable of doing good.

Oda is the one who started the journey in an assassin trying to find meaning in life, but he didn’t finish it. In the end Oda’s character arc ends tragically, and his path is half finished. Because, Oda eventually chooses death.

I think a lot of people don’t realize this character flaw of Oda, because he’s usually such a good example, but he chose to kill again, chose to become a martyr to Dazai because he genuinely gave up on living when it became too hard for him again.

“Odasaku...” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but - don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something...” - BSD, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda died because of tragic circumstances yes, but Oda also dies because he chose death. He chose the escape. He chose the easier path. There were still people that needed him even after he lost the orphans, people like Dazai, and Akutagawa who were orphans in need of help as well and Oda chose to let go of them.

Oda gave up on his attempt to find meaning in life, because the best way to find meaning in life is simply by living it.

‘People live to say themselves, it’s something they realize right before they die, eh?’ - BSD, Osasmu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda chooses to die for the sake of someone else, rather than living for himself. While that’s a tragic choice it’s also a bad choice with consequences, because now there’s nobody around to help Dazai and Akutagawa who also appeared in light novel two and who both needed him to some extent.

In that sense Akutagawa can be stronger than Oda. Their lives are parallels but they’re also exact opposites. Akutagawa starts out by losing every orphan he was trying to take care of. Oda finishes his life when he loses the orphans who he was trying to raise and protect.

The choice they make in those moemnts is the opposite ones. Akutagawa tries to choose simply revenge at first the exact same way as Oda did, but when he meets Dazai he realizes there was something he wanted even more than revenge.

The question resounded in Akutagawa’s heart, and a single answer floated to the surface. Something he qished for. His heart’s desire. The lowest of the low. In a world that was the lowest of the low, it was a wih that could never possibly be granted. Akuagawa had to force the words out of his dry, trembling throat. “I want to find a reason... a meaning to my life.” - SHORT STORY A HEARTLESS DOG

Akutagawa wants to live for himself, stronger than even Oda did. Whereas, Oda stops wanting everything.

Dazai paused before continuing. “I would be able to find something - a reason to live.”

I looked at him; he looked back at me.

“I wanted to be a novelist.” I said. “I thought I wouldn’t deserve such a life if I killed someone during a mission. That’s why I never killed anyone. But that’s all in the past. There’s only one thing I want now.” - BSD VOLUME 2, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era

Oda’s words to Dazai to conitnue to live are meaningful, but he’s also a hypocrite to those words. He tells Dazai to live on, when he made the choice to go off and die. While, Akutagawa as dirty, and arduous as his path is, is the one who keeps struggling to live no matter what like a stray dog starving in the streets.

Which is why Akutagawa is the one who is going to finish what Oda started so long ago, and be the true inheritor to his will. Utlimately, I predict, that’s the path his character development and arc are going to take him.

#akutagawa ryunosuke #odasaku #oda sakunosuke #bungou stray dogs #akutagawa #oda #dazai osamu #bsd meta #bungou stray dogs meta #bungou stray dogs analysis #bsd #bsd 84

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sangonomiyashrine · 2 years

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nyello mod 'tarou. can i jjust.. get a kin assignment fer ddlc, dangan, n death note..??? sorry..

i'm a very sleepy, apathetic person. i can get rather obsessive over things/people.my hobbies include writing, drawing, sleeping, eating. and reading about cold cases, and other mysteries. (i also used to play piano)

i get a lot of compliments on my 'good vibes' or intelligence. some people have even said i'm 'totally the type of person to hole myself up in my room until i solve a cold case.'

i always second guess information i'm given, analyzing them til i'm sure whether it's trustworthy or not. despite my lack of empathy, i tend to come off as caring and considerate when you don't know me.

internally, i'm rather lonely, as i intrigue people just enough to investigate me, then accidentally drive them off. they end up saying i'm a manipulative weirdo afterwards. and due to this, i try to make myself interesting and make people smile..though many people end up saying i seem self-centered. i stay, according to others, 'horridly' calm during tragic situations. seeming more annoyed than anything, as if i didn't fully understand the situation.

i do. i'm not dumb enough to not.

anyways, tell me if you need more..

you remind me of..

I also thought of Kyoko Kirigiri and Rantaro Amami.

Yuri - she can become pretty obsessive, holing herself up somewhere with her interests. she learns a lot about the things she likes and the other club members often compliment her intelligence. she tries to be kind and polite to people despite her difficulty in social situations. one of the main reasons she spends so much time alone is because she tends to be rejected by others who think of her as weird, although she shows she is actually very lonely and tries to act more normal and interesting. she is often accused of being self centered for this reason though.

Chiaki Nanami - she's very sleepy and can seem reclusive and apathetic, despite also coming off as kind/caring. she can become rather obsessed with her interests and hole herself up in her room. she's very intelligent and tends to second guess any information, analyzing it. she sometimes worries about how she comes off and tries to make herself seem more interesting out of fear that she's too boring for others. she's super calm and can seem a bit out of it, though she's actually very perceptive.

L - he loves solving mysteries and can devote himself completely to any case he thinks is interesting. he often gets compliments on his intelligence as well. he's excellent at analysis and always looking for what's trustworthy or what's not, often second guessing himself. he is rather polite to strangers, but is easily seen as apathetic as well. he's rather lonely due to his trust issues and easily drives others off since he can come off as self centered and strange. even though he is first and foremost guarded around people, we can see his desire to ease his loneliness and draw others in come out a bit in the series.

#kin assignment #kin matchup #ddlc #danganronpa #death note #yuri ddlc #chiaki nanami #l lawliet

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dangan-happy · 3 years

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//Shrinko Crabashira??//

tw - deadnaming, s/lf h/rm, cursing and just.. really heavy.

hi. this is to literally anyone im ssorry in advance

my parents keep calling me by my dead name even though I've repeatedly asked for them to call me Victor or Opal and I'm so fucking worn out because they always say I'm too young to know what I wanna go by and I'm so so ttirred,, tthis week has been horrible on its own,, I lost someone rreally close to me and I ddidnnt want her to leave,, I miss her so much,, and I've been forcing myself to act normal & happy because people say I'm less likeable when I break down so I'm trying my best to keep my usual attitude but right now it's too hard. i thought my mom called me earlier so I went out into the living room to ask what she needed and she said she didn't call me, so I'm like ''k I'll go back to sleep" and she said "maybe it's your grandmother yelling at you for not liking her name." (i was named after her [we also believe in spiritual connection]) so. it pushed me over the edge and im tearing hair out again and ccryinng and I jjust. I'm so done. can I get a hug and reassurance? sorry again,, so ssorry

- 🃏

Don’t be sorry, anon! You have no reason to be sorry at all! Wow, just, wow-- where do I even begin? Don’t worry, you can definitely get some reassurance and a hug. I have no problem with reassuring you, especially since you really could use and need it. It’s just... damn, words really can’t begin to express how sorry I am to hear all of this.

I guess I should start off from the very beginning and go down the line from there; I tend to get everything disorganized if I start at a random point instead of the beginning. I can’t stand for anybody, let alone parents, to call people, or in this case, their own child by their dead name. It’s such a stab to the heart, to be honest, and not only is it uncalled for, unfair, and completely wrong, but it can really be emotionally damaging. And it’s excuses like those that really get to me. You know what? Yeah, you are young, but you’re not ‘too young’. When you know, you know, and if that’s who you truly are, then that’s who you are. Period. So if you truly are Victor or Opal, or if you’ve got any other names that you want to be called by, then as people and, more specifically, your parents, they should respect and accept that! You are who you are, and if it helps any, I’ll call you by whatever name you want to be called. You want to be called Victor or Opal? Then consider yourself safe and accepted here, Opal. I’ll cut through your parents’ words and show them that they’re wrong, and just how wrong they truly are! Be the person that you are, and do your best to not let anyone, not even your own parents, stop you from doing so!

You might have heard this from others at this point, but truthfully, words cannot begin to express how sorry I am for your loss. Believe me, been there, done that more than I care for. And in terms of how you feel after losing someone, I get it; it’s an immense feeling of despair that’s extremely hard to shake off, especially considering certain circumstances that might be involved. I honestly can’t begin to imagine how you’re currently feeling. However, I will say something about forcing yourself to act normal, because that needs to be addressed. I understand that everyone copes with the loss of a loved one differently, and I understand that you may not want to ‘burden’ people with your loss and grief. Really, I do. But to those people who say that you’re ‘less likable when you break down’: I’ll cut through their words, too! Who the hell do they think they are to say something like that anyway?! Having to cope with the loss of a loved one isn’t what most movies make it out to be; you can’t just move on so easily and bounce back in the blink of an eye! You have to cope and heal at your own speed; within your own time and in a healthy way, and if those people can’t respect that, then I’ll happily speak to them myself. You literally just lost someone; you shouldn’t have to force yourself to act the complete opposite to how you’re feeling, and if anything, that could be more emotionally damaging to yourself. Repression is more painful than what it seems to come off as. But seriously, don’t force yourself to act normal and happy just for the sake of others. You shouldn’t have to, and you know? You don’t have to, especially for others. You wanna cry and scream at the top of your lungs? Cry and scream then. You wanna talk about how you feel, or talk about something else to occupy your mind for the moment? That’s okay, too; let’s talk. You wanna express sorrow, anger, guilt, any and whatever kind of emotions you may be feeling? Express it to your heart’s content until you feel better and lighter, even if just by a little bit. You have every right to express your grief; to properly cope in a healthy way that’ll emotionally benefit you as time goes on. So please listen to me when I say this: Those people can go... ah, nevermind actually. Fuyuhiko and Mondo are better at this type of verbal thing than I am, but you can probably fill in the blank. Anyway, shifting back to you and your situation here, I’ll reveal the truth of this case to them and shoot through that contradiction, no matter what it takes!

And as for what your mom said when you thought she called you from the living room and was leaving, how I feel is very similar to what I said at the beginning. Still, that’s wrong of her to say, even if you were named after your grandmother! You’re Opal, or whoever you want to be called and known as; your dead name is called a dead name for a reason. Anon, listen, I can understand the amount and severity of despair and sorrow you must be feeling from all that’s happened and been happening. But just know that you must do your best to remain hopeful, because if it reassures you at all, I have complete hope in you. I mean it. I have hope that you’ll be able to get through this; that you’ll be able to cope with the loss of your loved one properly and break down whenever you need to without giving a damn about what those people may say; that you’ll be able to come out of this stronger than ever before. I have hope for and in you, no matter what, and I always will! And I’ll always be here for you, supporting you and providing you with as much hope as possible!

Ah, I’m sorry for going on such a ramble like that. Even so, I mean everything that I said, so keep that in mind, okay? Do you... st-still want a hug? I-If you do, then I’d be willing to push aside my stubbornness for a moment to give you one. With what you’ve been through and are currently going through, I think a hug is something you could really use right about now. Just do your best to have hope, but remember that you don’t have to put on some smiley-face mask for the sake of everyone; it’s okay to break down. Cope in a healthy way, and express how you want and may need to for your sake and your sake only, not for others. And if someone has a problem with that, then let me know. I’m sure Fuyuhiko, Akane, and even Nekomaru would be more than willing to take care of the issue for you. A-Anyway, l-let me give you that hug, anon. Y-You deserve one.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #hajime hinata #mod hajime

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