#some of it is about the growing but lack of ability to trust myself

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[educating-bimbos]

The Pinned Post 2

new pinned post because tumblr hid my old one from my view so I can't see, edit it, or reblog it to add an addendum. I only have a few things to add, so I am just going to copy and paste it.

Who is Educating Bimbos?

My name is Nicolette. I am a technical artist, musician, and an outdoorsy type of gal. I enjoy the finer things in life, and I fancy myself a traditional woman and a bimbo. I don't really enjoy mindlessly obsessing over labels, but if it helps people gauge where my brain is at, I am pro-patriarchy, in favor of traditional gender roles and dynamics, an ex-feminist, and before all else a believer in one's ability to exercise personal freedoms. My beliefs, mannerisms, and presentation attract the ire of feminists, born-again-religious types, and any number of anti-fun douchebags. At the end of the day, just remember that behind this silly blog is a silly person.

What is Educating Bimbos?

It is a blog and small community of bimbos looking to learn more about and express a traditional lifestyle. It is also about people who may not be familiar with or comfortable around things like BDSM get a nice and soft introduction to it without being exposed immediately to the idea of how people can enjoy things in a pseudo-sexual context. At the end of the day, it is a blog and community where I and other like-minded people can express silly ideas without the fear of being lambasted by people seeking to harm others.

Where is Educating Bimbos?

Educating Bimbos can be found in one of these two places.

Why is Educating Bimbos?

Well for a while I was annoyed by the lack of communities that focused on a kind of "hyper-feminine" aesthetic while also promoting more traditional ideas. There was also the issue of communities that have tried this before of devolving into bigoted and abusive communities that would do everything under the sun to create an insular and ToS breaking community. I spoke with a friend of mine who runs a similar community a while ago and she inspired me to give this a shot. Now - close to 3 years later - I have a steadily growing community that pulls from all corners of ideology, cultural, ethnic, and interest level and the discord has been almost completely drama-free in its whole existence.

When is Educating Bimbos?

I am alive and doing silly stuff all day, every day. Except when it is nap time in which case I will be in the realm of dreams.

What's an ex-lesbian and why do you call yourself that?

For a number of very personal reasons, I have decided to call myself an ex-lesbian. I did this of my own volition, and I was not pressured into doing so. For a long time, I had thought of myself as a lesbian, mostly because of socialization and how all the girls around me were so might as well follow suit. I experienced a number of harmful and traumatic events when I considered myself a lesbian and it effected how I view myself. After a while and talking to some friends who I trust dearly, I came to the realization that I am not a lesbian and that it really isn't a thing I identify with the same way others do. I am still trying to come to grips with that given I only relatively recently had that realization. I also feel that people use that term in bad faith to harm people and to push bad narratives and ideas so I thought "hey might as well try and take back what should be an innocuous phrase."

In short, I think an ex-lesbian is just a way of identifying one's sexuality similar to asexuality or demisexuality. It is not that I am one sexuality or another, it's that my sexuality is defined by my experience and coming of age.

I have had a number of people confront me about this, talk to me about it in sincere curiosity, and even attack me. I welcome anyone who is curious or has a genuine contention to come to me in DMs, I am not a mean person, and I will love to talk honestly and respectfully. I find that disagreement is not grounds to discredit or avoid befriending people, I hope you can do the same.

Further questions for Educating Bimbos?

If you find that these questions are unsatisfactory in any regard, or you wish to try your hand at doing what I do, follow these two links!

Ask me anything!

Ask me anything you want! I have some personal rules with regards to what I can and cannot upload, but this is generally the best way for me to answer any question you may have. I also have anonymous asks enabled just in case you are shy.

Submit a post!

If you think I should be made aware of something, post something, or if you just want to signal boost something try this. So far, I have no real rules or expectations so do whatever you want with this button.

#educatingbimbos #femininity #tradfem #housewife #traditional gender roles #stepford wife #traditional femininity #traditional women #ask a bimbo #bimbocore #ex lesbian #ex feminist

[avoidantrecovery]

AvPD & The Relational Self

There is one core aspect of AvPD that get's severely ignored imo, and which might be a key to actually solving it: The Relational Self. I'll be quoting from this article (Some people feel so utterly alone it’s as if they don’t exist by Kristine Dahl Sørensen) a lot, because I've been thinking about it a lot.

What is the Relational Self?

It's essentially the part of ourselves that forms in relation to others. We all grow up getting feedback from those around us, parents, friends, teachers, bosses etc... And this feedback reflects back on who we are, who we become and who we understand ourselves to be. It is vital for forming a fully-fledged "self" that is able to independently interact and go through life. We develop it through in person interaction with other humans, it completes us.

Most of all, we believe that our findings underline how the way we humans come to be ourselves is always relational, [...] We grow and develop our sense of self in interplay with others; through acting, reacting, talking, telling, and listening. Source

What does this have to do with AvPD?

My belief is that us with AvPD never actually managed to form this Relational Self properly. Something went wrong as we were growing up and derailed us from our path. And there are many reasons: overly critical parents, peer rejection and bullying, discrimination, any kind of abuse that is relational and focused on a person's self essentially. Our skills to interact healthily and properly either wither or don't have the chance to form in the first place.

I think that then also breaks with our ability to relate to our selves and others, we form anxieties, shame, avoid relational activities, mask and pretend, spiral into depression.

For those who struggle to participate in these exchanges, the self that doesn’t become shared can become unknown, unnamed and hidden, frightful and considered as something that can’t be accepted or trusted. Source

And then we are left as empty husks of ourselves, unable to relate and interact truthfully (without masking) with other people. It's not even that we are lying, it just feels empty without a mask. We as AvPD's lack(ed) something pretty crucial that Sørensen puts very well:

Aloneness was more than loneliness. They longed for something never experienced: the felt sense of being yourself through another person. Source

Conclusion

And I think I can truthfully say that this is true for me. I have had periods where I've had friends, but because I always mask (without knowing it) they don't know me. Hell, I don't know me, as dramatic as that sounds. And sooner or later I ghost, because pretending is exhausting.

I have come to close to experiencing myself through someone else, but I've always avoided (lol) it. Because the fear is that there is nothing here to see or experience. I remember when I had little crushes and they gave even a hint of reciprocating, aside from gently rejecting them or self-sabotaging, I always wondered: What do they see in me? This was not low self-esteem, because ironically enough I have quite high self-esteem (not sure how that works either tbh). I just genuinely did not know what it was they exactly wanted or saw in me. I was empty and they would find that out eventually and be disappointed. And I think that this feeling of emptiness, that drives all our other avoidant actions, is an atrophied Relational Self.

It also explains the infamous symptom list that I always found harsh and kind of not helpful. All those things on that list (whether it be the ICD or DSM-5 one) all lead to the Relational Self issue.

Now, the question is, how do I heal with Relational Self? Does this make sense to anyone else?

#avpd #avoidant personality disorder #avoidant #relational self #kristine dahl sorensen #trauma #cptsd #anxiety #depression #shame #self isolation #ok to reblog #lonliness

[pallastrology]

interpreting your angles

the angles are four points in a natal chart that correspond with four stages of life. in a way, the angles represent four parts of the self, that intertwine and reconnect throughout life, often working in tandem. they function as two pairs of axes, with one (the ac-dc axis) looking at the concept of me vs. you; the other (the mc-ic axis), where you aim for vs. where you came from. click the links to read my interpretation of these placements through the signs 🩵

the ascendant is generally situated in the first house. it is all about selfhood, and so represents aspects of our personality, our impulses and reactions, some of our physical mannerisms and expression, and our perception of the world. the ascendant tells us a lot about ourselves, from our wants and needs, desires, fears, even something about our health. it shows us what we identify with, how we perceive ourselves and, to a degree, how others perceive us. the ascendant is a point that tells us about our identity; the descendant, its sister, tells us a lot about others in relation to ourselves. it shows us the traits we perhaps lack, or those that we express in an unhealthy manner. it shows us what we want and need from our partner, and interestingly, it represents what we reject in ourselves and what we reflect onto others. it shows us what is underneath the identity we project outwards.

☁️ personal example: i have a virgo rising, so have pisces on the descendant. i pride myself on being a neat and tidy, organised and mature individual. i study hard and read a lot, i am logical and sensible. underneath that, i have ADHD and grew up homeschooled in a chaotic environment. i am sensitive and intuitive, i have large gaps in my education and i am something of an artist at heart. my partner is a musician, and interestingly, a pisces. learning to balance these two sides of myself has helped me enormously in life, and brought me a lot of internal peace.

the midheaven is generally found in the tenth house. it is a little more nebulous than the ascendant, but it represents legacy, mastery, what we build over the course of our lives, what we aspire towards and what we become known for. it is traditionally associated with career too, especially the “peak” of our working lives, when we’ve reached our potential. for a lot of us, the midheaven is more tangible, and more of an active part of life, after our first saturn return (around age thirty). traits of the midheaven are things we have to learn and put hours and work into to gain. conversely, the nadir, or imum coeli, shows us what our childhood taught us. it shows us the internal experience of the situation we grew up in; how we made sense of it, what beliefs and habits we now carry with us, what we wished we had, what we needed. the imum coeli represents our experience of being nurtured, and how that experience impacted our ability to nurture ourselves as adults. it represents the small, fragile parts of ourselves that perhaps weren’t able to grow the way they should have.

☁️ personal example: i have a taurus midheaven, so have scorpio on the nadir. growing up i was very isolated, had controlling and emotionally unstable caregivers, and a grew up in a household where feelings were seen as weak and so were to be hidden. there was no trust either, with a lot of fighting for control. as an adult, i have a low self-worth and little ability to trust either myself or others. i can be emotionally chaotic and am preoccupied with perfection, often taking things to an extreme. that being said, i have a strong work ethic, am focused on building emotional and material safety for myself and my loved ones, and bond very closely when i do build that trust. i am attracted to warmth and comfort, and aspire to be spiritually and mentally rich.

so, now you hopefully know a little more about the angles, but… how do you interpret them in your chart? they can sometimes be interpreted as an extension of the angular houses, but this won’t always work out, and i find it can be a bit of an oversimplification. because while, for example, the fourth house and IC both rule over our childhood home, nurturing figures and sense of comfort, the fourth house is much more oriented to the present day, and to that physical area of life; while the IC is more focused on our internal experience of our childhood, and how that effects and impacts us today, out in the world. when i am reading a chart, i find it helpful to look at the angles first as two pairs, so i can understand the energies and issues they are bearing; then, i look at the angles as a cycle of AC-IC-DC-MC, so i can read them in “chronological order���. once i feel i have some understanding, i look at things like the point rulers, the contents and rulers of the houses involved, any aspects to the angles, etc., and start to fill in the details from there. it’s perhaps not the most straightforward method, but for me, i find it to be the most helpful route to gaining the amount of detail i want from a chart reading. the best method for you to use is the method that you find the most helpful, so experiment when reading, use your intuition and let the technical stuff guide that intuition :-)

a quick note on house systems… i use placidus because it’s what i find works best for me, so when i read a chart, the angles are the cusp of their respective houses. if, however, you use something like whole signs or equal houses as your house system of choice, then the angles can move around a lot more within the chart, adding an interesting extra layer to your interpretations. the angles can get a bit restless depending on your distance from the equator, too. these complexities are something i’d like to explore further in a future post if you’d be interested 🩵

#pallastrology #astrology #astrology blog #astrology post #angles #ascendant #imum coeli #descendant #midheaven #ac-dc #mc-ic #faq #interpretation #reading your birth chart

[theambitiouswoman]

Title: Need Relationship Advice - Long-Distance Relationship Dilemma

Hey

I’m a 24-year-old female in a long-distance relationship with my 24-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been together for four years, but lately, I find myself facing some uncertainties and concerns about our future.

The issue is that every time I bring up the topic of marriage, he seems unsure and tells me he’s not sure about what to do. While he claims that we would be the best couple if we got married, he also mentions feeling less free and uncertain about marriage in general.

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster due to the long-distance and his busy work schedule. He has been diagnosed with perfectionist syndrome, which further adds to the complexity of the situation.

I’ve tried to communicate openly with him about my feelings and needs, but the responses remain unchanged. I feel that he loves me, but I also struggle with the lack of investment and time in our relationship.

I’m at a crossroads and unsure about what to do next. Should I keep trying to work things out, or is it time to consider moving on? Have any of you faced similar situations, and what advice would you give me in navigating this challenging phase?

Any insights or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Thank you for trusting me with advice on something so important to you.

I totally understand how difficult this feels. Long distance relationships can be tough on their own, and it's natural to have concerns about your future together. The fact that your boyfriend is unsure about marriage is something you need to think about carefully.

It's great that you've been open about your feelings with him. It's important to be on the same page about your future.

I can't speak for your boyfriend, or pretend to know what is in your mind. From an outsiders perspective, I ask myself if you are ready for marriage? Or if you are struggling with the long distance and therefor placing much more urgency on your future together. I also wonder reading your message, if maybe he does not feel like he is ready for marriage. I know you guys have been together a long time, but you are also young and being where we want to be in life is an important base for this decision, especially for men.

Ultimately, this is an important decision and you need to think about what you want for your life and your relationship. If marriage is important to you, and you feel like you are ready now, and know he does not want to. Then you need to decide if you want to continue to invest in the relationship or not.

Personally, I don't think you should compromise on what you want, but also don't wait around for him to change his mind. You shouldn't have to beg or pressure someone into marriage.

At the same time, given that your boyfriend has been diagnosed with perfectionist syndrome and has a busy work schedule, it's possible that these factors could be affecting his ability to make decisions and invest time in your relationship. Perfectionism can create a fear of making the wrong choice, leading to hesitancy and uncertainty. The challenges of long-distance can be very straining on the relationship, making it harder to see eye-to-eye on important matters.

As you mentioned, you feel that he loves you, but you also struggle with the lack of investment and time in the relationship. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and well being in any relationship. If you find that you're consistently feeling unfulfilled and unsure about your future together, it might be worth evaluating whether the relationship is meeting your needs and if it has the potential to grow into the partnership you desire.

It's okay to take your time and reflect on your feelings. The decision of whether to keep working on the relationship or move on should be based on what will bring you the most fulfillment and happiness in the long run.

I really sympathize with you because I know how emotions can cloud our judgment, but have an honest conversation with yourself about how you feel in this relationship. Don't forget to stay true to yourself and don't sacrifice your needs for someone else.

<3

[blorbologist]

Growing up, if Percy hadn’t been so interested in engineering and metal work and instead, took the path of biological sciences, what kind of character/person do you think he would be? In your mind, how do you think that would affect the story and whatnot?

Heyo! Saw you sent this to @essayofthoughts - hopefully our answers are different enough!

You have no idea what a delight it was to receive this as a biologist myself >:3c

First point: (fantasy) engineering is something that works on a completely different timeframe to (fantasy/early) biology, and with different rewards. Percy can make a seige arrow in a night of unbridled guilt - you can't grow a flower in that time without magic, let alone make an entirely new morph or something. A lot of biology, until fairly recently, was done with knowledge being the reward, the takeaway, which could then be used, while engineering can make, you know. Guns.

Today of course we can make trangsenic strains of all sorts of species, and do tiny surgery on tiny organisms to lesion regions of the brain or inject something in them, but this is likely beyond the abilities in the setting - again, without magic. Biology just works on too long a timeframe... usually.

I think, first of all, that a more nature-inclined Percy would be more patient than we see in canon - again, long timeframes - and with less DEX but more WIS (for observation) and (even more) INT. Still likely fairly introverted before the Briarwoods, but drawing more satisfaction from knowledge than he already does given he can’t really create much. Given his broad interests in canon, I could see him dabbling in all sorts of fields: basic anatomy and neurobiology (I think neurobio would facinate him, but ofc early neurobio is... dubiously ethical at best. Very best. Fuck.), botany (the poison garden was likely fun), ecology and zoology (the Parchwood is right there!), genetics (as a noble family, the de Rolos likely had horses and hounds of quality, maybe falconry birds too - I could see him having an interest in the breeding of domestic species, and livestock and crops too), maybe some basic microbio (maybe he invents a microscope? If we wanna give him a potential avenue to be a Gunslinger like canon - use microscopy + biochem as the stepping stone to guns).

Next big question, of course, is: if Orthax can't inspire him to produce guns, assuming we don't just use 'Percy invents the microscope which gives him the experience Orthax needs to produce firearms'... what tool of vengeance will Percy use?

My first thought is bioweapons. Weaponize some new pathogen - to which he also produces the vaccine, but no cure because this is *vengeance.* Maybe this Percy is still a Fighter - focused on swords instead, getting right into the fray to unleash the toxin near enemies and stab it into their flesh methodically. Or maybe an Artificer, with things reflavored to be based more in science than a touch of magic. Or Orthax compensates for the lack of guns by making him a Warlock (maybe Percy tries to delude himself his powers are all perfectly non-magical, but... he's not stupid.)

I think it would be very difficult for Vox Machina to sympathize with this Percy. Sure, the guns are terrible, but they're very practical and usually kill quickly enough. They're cool. Bandits dying, frothing at the mouth, as some preternatural poison eats up their nerves... that would be way less easy to justify. Keyleth especially would likely struggle with it, despite getting along with Percy more otherwise. Vex might be a little freaked by it, too, though with Vox Machina and Trinket (and any really trusted allies) vaccinated against it friendly fire shouldn't be possible. How would Vex feel about poisoned arrows, I wonder? How would Percy poke at Fenthras, lighting up with ideas? Would he combine his tallents with the girls' to devastating effect? Use this species for brambleshot, the spines are actually glass. Dragons are reptiles - they usually can't breath and run at the same time, use this to set a trap.

Part of his crawl out of vengeance during/after the Briarwoods arc would likely involve making a cure for his bioweapon. Because though no one can directly reproduce his weapon here, it can spread naturally - through immune individuals or asymptomatic carriers. Hell, probably spreads more quickly than the guns, if the pathogen acts quickly enough to be used in combat.

Of course, I'm die-hard Perc'ahlia, so I can't help but wonder how their dynamic would be impacted. I think they would both still grow close - Percy isn't in sniper's roosts with her anymore, but they can bond over their love of the natural world. This Percy would be absolutely fascinated by Trinket - how the ranger bond and adventuring impacts his behavior, how Vex trained him, etc. which would certainly endear him to her despite the whole 'weaponized virus or whatever' deal. Maybe he loves the Sun Tree, too, used to (pathetically) climb into it as a child despite the protests of the religious because he wanted to know and learn and he shows Vex his initials he carved before he knew it bad to scar a tree like that. Maybe they take time to point out interesting plants or tracks or critters to eachother. Maybe Percy's Nat 20 in the Saundor fight fires something terrible for trees right into the fucker, and for all his curiosity he encourages Keyleth to burn all that remains to the ground. Maybe Grand Mistress of the Grey Hunt means even more, because he had wanted that title for himself when he was young - that's what he was going to be, before, and he’s giving it to her instead.

Tldr; I think a bio-oriented Percy would be fundamentally different to our engineering Percy, due to the rewards and reward timeframe offered by this area of interest. He would also be a far harder character to sympathize with, given the special kind of awful of bioweapons. Like a terrible, angsty Louis Pasteur and Charles Darwin crossover.

#campaign 1 #critical role #percival de rolo #cr percy #cr au #ask #i just request that if you use this long ramble as the basis for an au or a fic that you Ask First and credit appropriately please ;; #percahlia #perc'ahlia

[sunskate]

tw: sexual assault, abuse

Ashley Wagner IG stories May 4, 2023 about USFS hiring Kelsey Parker Gislason as their Senior Manager of High Performance Management

Hello hello, I have some figure skating tea, which is usually my least favorite kind of tea because it means someone's being bad for no good reason. Now it can be really awkward for me to talk about things in figure skating because I work in the sport and really do want to maintain a positive relationship so that I get hired to do things and people want to be around me. But goddammit it is so hard sometimes. Okay, so let's get into it -

So post-Olympic cycle it's super common to see a lot of movement in administration. You will have staff leave because they've been super burned out, and they'll move onto other jobs. There's just a lot of shuffling going on. So it's not a surprise that we've been seeing this kind of movement. It happens every single Olympic cycle. And I genuinely don't care about the hiring process of US Figure Skating- I'm not that emotionally invested in it. But there's a lot of opportunity to move this organization forward toward a culture of safeety that is informed by the needs that so many athletes have been bringing up. But why would we do that? Why would we use this opportunity to grow when we could just repeat things and do them the same way we've always done them.

I'm going to explain why this is so complicated: so, first part of it that's complex. This person is related to a top official withing our organization and so US Figure Skating loves to hire people they know, which I completely understand. Skating is such a small insular community, so of course like a little bit of that nepotism is going to exist. It's inevitable. Not that many people know about skating. But skating can be learned. It's such an oportunity to bring in a fresh perspective. Someone to be like, tha'ts kind of weird how you guys do that. We need more people to challenge us on this culture because it's so normalized, and it's JUST NOT NORMAL. So that is the first issue here.

The second issue, and the one that really affects me, which is why I'm talking about this in the first place is that around the time that women including myself were coming forward with our experiences of sexual assault with John Coughlin, this individual was extremely vocal against the truth of our experiences, and I want to make it clear that in this position, this person is now a mandatory reporter. And I'm sorry if my trust has been compromised in this person's ability to believe survivors and approach this and many of these delicate situations of sexual assault with any ounce of respect, dignity or appropriate care.

Now I don't believe that she is directly really the root of the issue here. I believe that people are absolutely allowed to continue to remember positive experiences and still have positive things to say about him. I don't expect my experience to completely negate every positive memory someone may have, and I don't want it to. I just want to point out that people are complex, and there absolutely is room for duality in the good and bad of what makes a person who they are. That's all I'm asking for, and so I really don't think that she is the issue here. She is absolutely allowed to believe whatever she wants to believe. But as soon as you put that out on social media, you should become unhirable for certain positions. And when this was one of the more profound scandals that has happened within an organization in the last decade, I think you should be hiring mindfully. And this just feels like one of the first things you would look into, or something you would consider

So this is a long winded way of just being like, what are we doing here? I feel like myself, I went to this organization, pointed out flaws, said I will work with you before I come out with my story so that we're in this together, and we can help make this better. And now what??

It just makes me feel like a lack of care in my experience and that it's years down the road so it doesn't matter as much anymore. But it affects me every single day. And you know, this individual has never approached me and apologized for publicly doing what she did. And I don't need her apology, but it's just a very loud and clear message from an organization that continues to not validate the experiences of the people that have been hurt because of it. And it's just the same $@#%& day.

#ashley wagner #she's a real one #having Kelsey Gislason in this position #makes skaters less safe

[iamsuchi]

Do you have any suggestions how I can manifest permanent weight loss? It's kind of hard to get myself to believe that it's "already mine" when I've also been overweight all my life you know;; It kinda feels like I'm lying to myself and I can't take myself seriously. I hope that makes sense

I get you Anon - this is something myself and I think others struggle with and that is the getting and staying in that feeling of it’s ‘already mine’. I have a few post that can help you and I will also give some advice.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

Firstly here are the post that can help:

How to manifest ____

The HUGE PROBLEM with the lack of Belief, faith

Limiting beliefs to get rid of now!

A bit of motivation - as God what can you do?

A bit of motivation - FAITH AND BELIEF

Anon gives REALLY GOOD TIP TO HELP WITH MANIFESTING

How to manifest physical appearance + my thoughts and experience with the mirror method

How to change your physical appearance (this anon wanted to change their face without surgery)

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

Now that that’s out of the way, let me try to see if I can help you. I do get that feeling of lying to yourself. Normally others would just say ‘Ignore the 3D’ - which yes in a sense that’s what you should be doing but it can be difficult for some if not most of us. There’s a video I had watched and I had made a post about it here explaining how to ignore the 3D but unfortunately it seemed like the video got deleted, however I will break it down for you to the best of my ability. Here we go:

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

୭⇢ The 3D - How to ignore it: How to get over that feeling of ‘lying to yourself’

As we all now we are humans and we’re heavily dependent on our senses, especially when it comes to our sense of sight. I mean let’s be honest it’s kinda irritating/frustrating/upsetting/etc. when you wake up each day and not see your assumptions into the results.

୭⇢ So how can we really ignore the 3D?

You can try this method that I’ve been using that I got from that video. Instead of constantly feeling like you’re lying to yourself when you say/think about your assumptions. Try saying/thinking this: “What I’m seeing in front of me now is my old assumption. The old assumptions are coming to an end and my new assumptions are arriving soon.” You may modify this statement to your liking but it really helps me with my faith. I especially find it helpful when I’m feeling down or doubting myself.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

୭⇢ Change the concept of your self and watch your external works change - STOP LOOKING FOR RESULTS/PROOF OF YOUR ASSUMPTIONS OUTSIDE OF YOU!

By constantly looking for for proof, etc you begin to obsess over your desired results/assumptions (eg: constantly looking in the mirror, checking your body, asking others if you’ve lost weight,etc). Instead let go and trust the process (see HERE and HERE for post about letting go and the law of detachment) - if you’re constantly looking for it, it will be like you’re watching grass grow! It is your desire for a reason, you’re probably fed up with hearing this but yes, it’s already yours! You just have to believe that!

Also, remember the 3D is literally made up of concepts of yours. Change your concept of yourself with in and watch your external world change. As Neville says:

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” - Neville Goddard

I can tell your in the process of doing this and you’re trying your hardest to persist - I am EXTREMELY PROUD OF YOU FOR NOT GIVING UP! it may be hard but keep on persisting. Your efforts will not be in vein! What you need to work on is your ‘faith in the unseen’ - the unseen is basically your assumptions/imagination acts/etc. (SEE THE POST 2 ABOVE for more info on this) . GO WITHIN each time you feel that doubt creeping up on you and affirm or visualization or imaginal acts or script/ etc. (do what ever method you feel you need - just making the assumption is enough but if you need to use manifesting techniques to help do that - DO WHAT YOU NEED TO, TO GET YOU INTO THAT FEELING THAT IT IS ALREADY DONE - PLEASE REMEMBER I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING IN THE WORLD BUT IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IT, IT WILL NOT MANIFEST FOR YOU!)

Each time you feel that doubt GO WITHIN YOURSELF, DO NOT LOOK OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF! Again this is also tied back to go ignoring the 3D - say this to further say… Stop looking at your ‘OLD ASSUMPTION’/ ‘OLD CONCEPT OF YOURSELF’ (your old assumption here would be you seeing yourself as overweight all your life). I know it may be difficult for you but you have to find some way that when you see yourself and you don’t see what you want in the 3D, you don’t get triggered/upset/frustrated/etc. learn to see and believe in what is within you and not without. (Sadly this is not something I can teach/advise you on this. This is your own work that you as the individual).

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

୭⇢ Here’s an example using myself to illustrate:

Suchi is trying to persist that she has her ideal body but each time Suchi looks at her body or sees her reflection in the mirror she starts to doubt herself and her abilities. She starts thinking that manifesting is impossible for her.

୭⇢ How does Suchi correct this?

Each time Suchi has that feeling of doubt/sees that her body is not YET what she wants it to be. Suchi takes a deep breath, and goes with in herself - Suchi creates an imaginal acts/visualizes herself as her ideal body, she sees that her creation is done and begins to have faith within herself and her abilities again. She tells her self that it is already hers and does this and other manifesting techniques to help her achieve this goal. Suchi knows that every seed has its appointed hour and it’s just not her time yet but she continues to persist. She continues to control her thoughts and focus them exactly on what she wants. She no longer frantically looks at her body and/or the mirror or an external source outside of her because she is confident within herself that it is already done. She keeps doing this until one she sees that her assumptions have harden into fact within the 3D. Suchi is grateful and expresses gratitude to the universe. 

🔑 You see the KEY to all of this is YOU - YOUR BELIEF AND YOUR FAITH WITHIN YOURSELF. I or no other person can do it for you it has to be you. You need to believe in you and your assumptions! This can talk a heavy mental toll on anyone - I am no expectation to this. You really have to pick yourself up mentally each and every time you encounter limiting beliefs/doubt/worry/fear - tell yourself you can do it and keep on persisting.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

୭⇢ Recommendations/Advice

As for my advice on how you can manifest permanent weight loss, I suggest you see post #1 in the list of post above on how you can manifest _.

Also you can try using visualization (imagine acts- keep seeing yourself in your minds eye as your desired weight/ideal body).

You can also try weight list subliminals (see this post HERE on subliminals). This may help speed up your manifestations.

⊹ ੈ♡ — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ₊˚ ‧₊ ๑ ˎˊ˗

I really hope this helped you, feel free to come back if you need more clarification- and/or seek out other opinions. Remember to also do your research if you haven’t. A simple search on YouTube and google can go a long way. Don’t give up hun, you can do it - I believe in you, happy manifesting! 💓💓💓

#manifestwithsuchi #neville goddard #asksuchi #law of assumption

[bearwithmeshifting]

Hello. I have considered myself otherkind/therian for years but as I've gotten older I've found myself growing more and more physically nonhuman. I was just wondering if you have any resources and/or tips that might help? Have a good day -☘️

By the nature of nonhuman existence being relatively niche and unspoken, I can’t find any information that I believe you wouldn’t come across while identifying as therian. I may ask around and reblog this post with more information as it becomes available.

I can’t give many tips regarding your nonhuman physicality without specification. If you find yourself feeling as though you’re not human, what makes you think so? Do you have urges that can’t be explained by normal human experience? Could your nonhuman physical traits fall in line with possible human conditions? If you’ve yet to shift, I’m afraid I can’t give advice on how to first shift, as I had followed others’ advice before I shifted and failed to do what was explained.

If you think you’re a shifter, I think I have a few tips. First: find verifiable evidence of you shifting. This will help with mental wellbeing, and will keep you from the usual trap of “That wasn’t real” and finding yourself shifting months later, having to relearn what you discarded. Second; figure out what you turn into. It sounds silly, but its easy to mistake your form for other things if without a way to observe yourself. I thought I was a bipedal wolf-shifter until I got told that I was a bear of some sort. Third; keep your nonhumanity deniable. If you want to keep relationships largely unaffected by your nonhumanity, changing behavior to express your nonhumanity may lead to others reacting differently to you. Fourth; decide if you even want to shift. A benefit of being a shifter is that your nonhumanity is liminal. You can choose if you want to play into your urges, or if you express them in other ways. Fifth; if you want to shift, find yourself somewhere secluded, whether that be in a national park or a private property. The biggest issues for shifting in your bedroom/house is that you may find it difficult to not destroy things. Many shifters lack property where they can properly roam until the end of their shift. If you shift outdoors, make sure you have a bag full of clothes and some snack (I use trail mix because I gotta open it before the bugs get into it) so you don’t find yourself hungry or without clothes. Sixth; you may find that you can’t shift. Don’t force it, you either haven’t fully developed the ability to shift, or you’re a nonshifter. Wait until you feel a hunger to shift, even after you’ve tried to forget about it. If you never feel it come, you’re probably in the clear. Seventh; don’t forget its totally valid to be a therian, even if you wish you could physically become your therian-type.

If you think you’re a general nonhuman other than a shifter, find a way to hide it. This may either be unthinkable or obvious. If you’re a nonhuman who doesn’t benefit from being able to put your nonhumanity away, its risky to display obvious nonhuman traits. I haven’t met any people with nonhuman traits constantly, but you’d likely suffer the same social rejection a shifter would, with the added risk of not being able to deny it on casual investigation. If you can’t find anyone to give guidance on your specific nonhumanity, display it to your biological parents to investigate if its hereditary (If you trust them).

[lgist]

Insecurity, is evil.

Insecurity, is evil. We are all evildoers. Like we are all fragile, the right words shattering us into millions of different pieces. So we must appear to be secure, thick-skinned. Our self-confidence could be waning, depleted, regardless our steeled exteriors show what is to be an entirely different story. An image of an easy-going, sociable, likeable person is what we all aspire to be. That person that everyone would want to make sure they invite to the next social gathering. I have been frequenting social gatherings myself, that being the largest motivator for this topic. Someone I know, who I thought I knew, lacks the confidence to share their real, authentic thoughts about a topic as open as life. I still wonder how they process the world, how they generally feel, day in and day out. It is not my place to poke and prod until I get an answer, what you think about the world is deeply personal. I just find it so interesting how we are all so alike, yet we relentlessly go on with this daily babble. It is so difficult for us to even say how we really feel. Our perceptions of others are anecdotal. We only know as much as someone will tell. So we are always in this constant state of blurred reality. Like we are desperate to forget our problems, yet the problems linger. The scent never quite washing away. Our problems fester, grow, become something larger than us, something we cannot defeat alone. The problems however, are the cause for insecurity. Our inability to surpass problems, our inability to trust in ourselves criples any sense of positive motion within our lives. We stand infront of progress because of a silly thought process. “If I say this, what will they think of me?”. The people you should consider confiding in, obviously, are the ones who understand you. People who lack the ability to judge, scrutinize or prod. People who listen, fully, to what you have to say. I am aware this is much easier said, than done. Who can you trust? Trust, is all emotion. Like this physical contract you place with another person and as soon as the contract is broken, the relationship is broken. What if you already have confided in some you thought you trusted and they end up telling other people, this deeply valuable secret? Well how can you ever expect to trust again? You have seen first hand what people are capable of. It is why I value writing so much, it is like this person I can go to. Express, with no gaps in between, myself. My secret are my own to share. People are capable of lying, of betraying trust, of showing no loyalty, as long as it moves them up the social ladder. Spreading gossip about ones thoughts as if it was currency to be traded. A blank page, is like an open ear and nothing else. So how can we trust eachother? What tangible idea binds trust? It is intangible, random, chaos. It can exist one day and feel like it was never there the next. 

In the deepest pits of insecurity, trust is no longer an option. Everyone is an enemy, everyone is out to get you, no one understands you, no one hears you. Isolated in your own bubble, drifting from friends and family. Unable to pick yourself back up and put yourself back together. Instead you lay shattered, never to be whole again. Until, you eventually see yourself to your grave, alone. With no one you really know attending your funeral. Just a crowd of faces, potential friendships and relationships, wasted. This inability to trust, is like a snowball rolling down a snowy mountain. It will build and build as it keeps rolling, you lose people. You disconnect further and further away until you are but a blip in that persons life. Someone who will be a forgotten face unless brought up in conversation. The snowball will eventually stop at the foot of the mountain, a big ball of self-hatred and continued negative spirals. It is here, you need to trust someone the most. For you have already given up, if you have no one you trust, there is no one to not give up for you. There will be no one to fight you against yourself. In a one on one you will always lose. No one understands you like you do, no one knows your ins and outs as much as you do. So it is here the insecurity will strike. It will use everything it has against you and without anyone to lean on as you trip and fall, you are defenseless. It will tell you the thoughts of other people, that don’t even exist. It will say, this outfit looks stupid. It will compare you with your peers, as your accomplishments don’t match up, so they must be the better person. It will feed you false positives from people you love, questioning their love to begin with. It will identify anyone as a threat and therefor you must close yourself off. For you cannot be hurt again, you cannot feel that grief again, so instead sit here and do nothing. People aren’t even interested in what you have to say anyway. Except this is far from the truth you believe it to be. Where there is capability to hate and betray, there is also capability for love and empathy.

People are naturally kind, forgiving. We are all alike so they will understand, if you give them a chance and regardless of one trusted relationship being betrayed, you cannot close yourself off from humanity. From the gifts it bears. Passion involves trust, for you must trust yourself to be passionate about something you love. Romance is trust, for you and your partner must be on the same page about the direction you want to take it. Security within yourself is trusting yourself that you will be ok, that everything will be fine no matter what happens, as long as you live. Trust is just another building block of life, it will get destroyed, it will get repaired with a new design and believe me, there are plenty of designs to choose from so don’t just let it sit in a pile of rubble, you are the designer afterall. Build your utopia of life, with those you trust. Remember the feeling of betrayal but don’t let it define each and every relationship after it has happened. Instead look at every relationship as a new book, with it’s own trials and tribulations, perhaps you will enjoy the next book more than the last. Take it slowly, rushing this aspect of life has a tendency to crash and burn. Insecurity is an abyss only those with help can get out of. It is why it wants you to be alone, don’t feed it more ammo, starve it completely. 

—--------------------------------------------------

I still do wonder what that person thinks of life. They are hiding so much from me, so much I want to unpack and listen to. One day, when the trust is there, I will know. Until that day I will move on to the next page, and the next, until I am there at the edge of my seat. Insecurity is the opposite of trust, do you still want to be there? Much Love - S

#Writerscommunity #writers on tumblr #philosophy #positivity #mental health #mentalheathawareness #lovenothate #love

[leilafrom5to7]

Intertwined Musings

September 8, 2022

I am considering going back to New York. I feel that I have unfinished business, which is true on many fronts but this seems the most urgent or accessible. I have to learn to face the winter, touch the snow. I can’t let it kill me. I miss the girl I was too. I miss my independence. I don’t miss my school, but there are other schools. Other portals of knowledge, I will find a new one. 

This time won’t be condemned by the great longing and great loss of distance. I’ve freed up some space in my life. Released my attachments. And I’ve always been drawn to New York, it seems that I’m being guided back there. New York and I made so much sense. It was a beautiful pairing. I felt so divinely small, so human.

I’ve been tracing back through my life and I’ve truly felt like a person in all of two situations. I know that I am a person, but I’ve always felt so disconnected from other people. As though there was an invisible barrier between me and my peers or me and the ability to lead a normal life. The two situations that brought out my humanity are New York and someone that I love. New York made me feel like one cell in a massive organism, small but with immense purpose. Someone that I love made me feel like I could exist. That invisible barrier disappeared with them, I was a real girl and I didn’t have to hide anything. My soul knows those two things better than my consciousness does, something about it…

I’m learning to feel like a fully fleshed person outside of my relation to those two situations, but I let them linger. I’m indescribably grateful for them and I sense much unfinished business there. I don’t know exactly where my feelings of in-humanity come from. I’ve always done such wonderfully human things. Always been vulnerable, expressive, intense, and curious. As of now, it seems that I was lacking in presence. I could not be fully present, I think because I couldn’t handle the brunt force of life then. I was very small and alone, a frail little girl caught in a snowstorm. I’ve always hated the cold.

Life hasn’t always been beautiful for me, and that is okay. Life is suffering, I believe that to be true and I don’t think that it is a negative thing at all. I think that where I went wrong was in only seeing my suffering and allowing that to taint the loveliness of life. I was blinded by suffering, I try not to see at all now. I try to feel and be guided by that. Feel it true. Life is suffering, yes, but that suffering makes everything else worth it an infinite times over.

Maybe I’ll go to LA. Or maybe I’ll stay closer. Farther? Farther than New York? France? I’ll go where I go and do what I do. It’s what I’ve always done, I’ve got more say in the matter now though. And I move with intentions. What do I intend to get out of these spaces? I intend to grow a life of love and art. Love and art. If you looked through my eyes, you would see love and art. Maybe it's why I lean towards naivete. I want everything to be beautiful, I trust that it is even if it isn’t.

I think that people take advantage of me. I know that they do. It hurts my feelings but it hurts their souls. It sets them back around four karmic cycles, maybe a lifetime or two. Whenever people hurt me I mourn myself and I mourn them. I feel such intense sadness for them, not so much for me. I know that to be in a position to take advantage of someone, you must have incredibly dark and confusing insides. You probably never truly look at them, you don’t clear out the smoke. Life must be so foggy and groggy and full of gloom. You’re not getting one over on anyone but yourself, you can’t skip the line by trying to feed off of someone else’s energy. You cannot bypass the work of improvement. It’s quite possible that some people do not want to improve, and that’s another great sadness to bear.  

I don’t know if I’ve ever taken advantage of someone. I have a very difficult time with getting close to people and I don’t see the point when everything that I need exists within me innately. I may have, but not intentionally. However, I can say that I have been mean. I have been so mean during certain points in my life and I am working on forgiving myself. For a long time, people were mean to me and I had tried to be kind in return. I tried to bottle it up, say that it was okay. I tried every method of avoidance until I could feel the goodness seep out of my body and I turned cold. I hated everything and I was cruel, mainly to myself. Meanness is both internal and external, to be outwardly mean to others you must be inwardly mean to yourself. I have grown from this, but growth is a never ending journey. It is a lifelong commitment to decide to be your best. 

I grant myself kindness now. I am of the nature of love. I am of the nature of suffering. I am of the nature of change. I am of the nature of growth. Everyday, I will be the loveliest version of myself. I will propagate a life of love and art. I will finish out my business one day. I’ll move into new business ventures. I commit myself to myself, to being present. I love me, I love you, I love the positives and the negatives. Right now, I embrace the mundane. I find magic in it, that is my key. I follow the signs, trust my intuition, feel it all. I live, I will live.  

[notabled-noodle]

2/3, additionally, love usually lasts for however long your appreciation and emotional connection and affection for a person lasts, as it is used to mean that. if you grow tired of them, love may fade. this is not inherently romantic but it could be, for some. if you wish to figure out whether you experience love then it is up to you to figure out whether you perceive any of your feelings to be love. as stated above, it is subjective and varying between different people, so there's no Superior, Universal Definition. no gatekeeping for love unless it's amatonormativity speaking, haha.

as i am loveless myself, i figured it'd be helpful to add what i experience as well. i consider myself loveless because i don't relate to the general idea society has of love. i'm mentally ill and i have been through trauma that influenced me in ways that removed my ability to feel emotionally connected and attached to others, and i just don't feel any positive emotions around them or because of them, let alone the Intimate Intensity people talk about. i respect those who want to redefine love for themselves, however the popular ideas of love have left me feeling isolated and i just can't relate when most people speak of love, so now i feel entirely disconnected from love in general.

neurotypical allos might ask 'but don't you love your friends, or hobbies, or pets, or family?' but this doesn't help me because i lack friends and if i had some i'd feel nothing for them (and i lack empathy and sympathy for other people, i guess neurotypicals would be convinced i'm heartless and cold haha). when i say i love my interests it feels more like a redefinition rather than the love people mean when they talk about it (and i guess i'm lovequeer too), and i know that if i said i didn't love any actual people but only my interests the people who ask you this would consider me a mentally ill freak or whatever. additionally, i hold appreciation for pets but given my mental illness i cannot feel any more for them than that. my family is also the one who traumatized me, i don't love them and i consider the expectation for such to be callous and disrespectful when applied to me. 2/3-

in terms of perceiving feelings as love… alexithymia! dissociation! autistic social confusion! I really have no idea what’s going on in my brain and body a lot of the time, so it’s really hard to try and sort through what I feel and why. it would be easier if love came along with a specific body sensation, but I don’t think it does? except for maybe the warmth I get in my belly when I think about my dogs?

I understand about the mental illness and the trauma. I definitely can’t understand your specific situation, but I understand where you’re coming from for sure. I think maybe my inability to love my friends (if that’s what’s going on) is probably because I’ve been betrayed and bullied enough that I can’t bring myself to trust people… so different situation but similar result maybe?

I feel a lot of intense emotions for animals for sure, so we’re different there. but I understand what you mean about it feeling weird to just say you love one category of thing. only loving dogs or only loving an interest doesn’t feel like it falls into the same category as more general “love” (though I do respect people who redefine love in ways that work for them in this respect)

I guess the big question here is whether I’m feeling love, and if I am, am I comfortable redefining love in a way that includes a very small list of things? and then the secondary question of “do I love humans deep down though?”

I definitely get where you’re coming from though, and I understand how trauma can have a big role to play in all this

#asks #loveless asks

[kadimae]

Day 41

Have you ever heard of the phrase, respect your Elders? I am reminded of this statement in moments of high emotion and untamed anger. Quite recently I’ve had to deal with unique situations in which the gray area of this statement may or may not apply. The struggle that comes with the conflict can make a young soul like mine bitter. I try to unearth these toxic mindsets as quickly as they come, but like the other phrase states: easier said than done.

The people in your life may love you dearly, but may not always have your best interest at heart.

I began to take inventory of the key players in my life whether they be close friends, acquaintances, and family members. I realized that the person I am becoming differs greatly from who they know. I began going through major life changes. I was the number one factor holding me back from being the person I aspired to be. As those changes started to occur I began to see how the reactions of the people closest to me became distant. With the struggles I faced constantly, I finally began speaking up about some of the struggles I was going through to those nearest to me. Some of my closest friends rallied behind me as these changes were being made, my immediate family on the other hand not so much.

I was an addict. In my experience alone I can say this with certainty. There are 3 things a recovering addict needs to become healthy. Number one is Faith, the ability to trust the process and see beyond what is happening to their body physically. Two is the ability to speak up about their struggles so that they may be able to heal and forgive. Lastly, number three is support from those around you, knowing that they have someone in their life who is encouraging positive changes for living a clean and sober life.

Truthfully I only had one of these which was Faith. By God’s grace, I was able to overcome a 6 year addiction to nicotine. I suffered in silence during this cleanse (quitting cold turkey). When I spoke up I had hoped my family would care enough to ask me why. One family member in particular ignored my truth in a way I will never forget. If I’m being honest I pray for this hurt feeling constantly and I want to forgive them.

Addiction is an extreme way of coping with life. That daily choice to use to cope with life due to something or someone being missing from your life can be a struggle and if it's not stopped immediately, it can become a stronghold. It's a hard realization to admit yet very necessary to acknowledge. There were many things I lacked and I had convinced myself that using them would help me feel better, instead it nearly ended me. For that reason, I decided to get clean by God's Grace and Mercy and began taking steps to overcome these challenges.

I am still working progress, and I will continue to grow.

I am enough because Christ is enough.

It takes 21 days to create a steady habit.

Sleep is my portion.

I am in control of my emotions, no one on this earth can make me feel or act out of character.

Addiction is not who I am.

Addiction does not define me.

I am whole because I choose to acknowledge the beauty of life that is within me.

There are better ways to pass the time.

I choose to let go of the situations that I can no longer control.

I will no longer wait for the validation that others provide through words, instead, I choose to validate my personal feelings and emotions.

Anger has no control over my life, I choose to let it go.

You are beautiful because Christ is beautiful.

Not everyone will appreciate the new you that emerges when you leave addiction in the past.

It’s up to you to continue to redefine who you are without using. No one in this world can take that journey away from you.

Continue to love yourself through the process and remember to never give up. Even if you slip and fall, Christ is always there to meet you halfway at whatever pace your progress is at. Do not wait for others to validate your journey. Oh! and respect your elders! Withdraws can be a Wild side effect to tame.

#journal entry #blogs #selfhelp #healthy life choices #addiction recovery #recovery #self discovery #self improvement #shine #beautiful #life journey #journey #soberlife #sobriety #tell all #the truth #words to live by #encouraging words #healthy mind #mindset #empowerment #self reflection #black blogs #black stories #black voices #black women #African women #african voices #african culture #black culture

[firstdeathandlust]

I have always heavily criticized myself because i thought that there was something inherently wrong with me, that i have to refine and perfect myself to the liking of others, so that i could be approached or appreciated for who i am. i hate being this emotional, or prone to emotionalism, to the point where i crave off of the attention, and i have some kind of an image to maintain. I guess it's not that uncommon, and it's a confidence thing and self reliance, to like myself more and trust in my own individuality. Being in that state of tailoring myself to be liked by others had made me more depressed. But no one likes who i felt like i was on the inside. I mean nothing is as deep as it seems, I just don't have that lighthearted energy. Osamu Dazai was right in his book "No Longer Human" where it feels so relatable and identical to what i am going through. Putting on a mask to society, allowing shit to slide and let happen to me, especially with my ex and him sleeping with other girls. My S- attempts... I am being very vulnerable to the public, right here and now. My heart is on my sleeve basically. I feel like i am a robot chamellion in trying to force myself to behave more like the one i am hanging out with. It's horrible, i feel like i am a shell of a person. I Like holy fuck i have a few years left to figure this out before it cements itself into my personality, I cannot be stuck feeling like this and thinking like it. I hate being insecure with my social abilities, the lack of charm. God, i guess it's just the time period in which i am in, with my current break up n all. Slow and steady? I kinda had to grow up way too fast so, i am trying to make mistakes and be gentler with myself, it's the only solution. Also also, reason why i am not venting to a friend is because i already have all the answers i already have talked about this and i already know what to do i am sick of hearing it from others time and time again, so i guess the reason why i am venting it out to myself and not to others.... I haven't learned my lesson, and it's gonna keep on coming back if i don't do anything about it.

[healingsht]

My weird state of healing in this plane of existance we are in

I don't know what trust is I have a basic information of what it is supposed to feel but I have lost myself at some point and trust was not with me at that time Weirdly I believe it feel good like when you do something nice just for the sake of doing it But I do not remember the feeling because in my mind I can't seem to find any With all that I was sure that life would be a pretty hard task to manage as most people trust others to do what they are supposed to in a way that doesn't hurt them But I have seen so many people destroyed by the byproduct of trust becoming an oppening to more hurt At some point I was sure that trust was nothing but a pretext to tell yourself not to think about probable outcomes about something in particular Which was as crazy to me as to remove your arms to be sure to walk right The probabilities of those outcomes has always been determined by previous behaviour and can be predicted in a certain way But with all that the lack of trust was kinda showing in my life as I started to retract onto myself in the goal to only be safe and not life but just survive Yet pretty recently I have got a feeling of assurance and complete calm when just letting my girlfriend live as she would I bet it is what trust feel like maybe I've become another victim to what I thought was the craziest thing to do before but even if it is the case, I am pretty happy that it happened sometime at least It shows that anything broke even from the start can grow back given enough time It gives me hope not in the way that trust give people hope that the person they trust isn't gonna hurt them But in a way that everything about me that was crushed and destroyed by traumas and childhood is gonna come back giving the proper time And even if it ends bad which I now doubt I would've been amazingly happy to have known trust for how unique and freeing Ofc I would like for it to be perfet and never scramble but it sometimes get hard but we always have the time and mental energy to grow so to not become an obstacle to the other in that way in the future I love it because it is a growing state that involves both of us and make us grow to be together as if we could one day become one and yet still have pretty different lives I love how continuous the growth is because it gives a lot of hopes for the abilities that are just soon to be ours I hope we will grow like that forever It is one of the wonder of this world that I really can't totally understand and yet am sure it is great for both of us I love you so much I don't wanna become your whole I wanna be a part of your life as much as you are a part of yours Just as you have been for me This love seems to go beyond anything realistic But when we look in each others eyes I am not even sure it is real I am just grateful to whoever made this happen And even if it is a dream and you are but another me I would still be delighted to be alive in this world that is both the place we manifest Thank you for everything there is/was/will be I know that even if all crumbles, you would've been the best person in my life And we don't even plan on having things crumble which is amazing anyway Love YOU

[kaesileigh]

A reflection

The last couple months have been very hard; have consisted of some of my most extreme lows in quite some time.

yet.  

Even in the midst of these, I maintained that it was part of the process.  That I was learning and that the purpose would be revealed.  I kind of held on for the ride.  I congratulated myself for being able to be pulled under water and, rather than panicking (like I would have in the past), I sunk and waited to bob back up, which inevitably always happens.  I kept referring to the period as “dark night of the soul.”  At my lowest, I questioned everything--my rationale for taking the job, my purpose in this lifetime, my worth as a person, my ability to be a healthy...anything--partner, employee, boss, friend, cat mom...I proclaimed to have lost myself.  Yet here I am.  

I had a conversation this morning with one of my co-,managers.  We finally seemed on the same page for the first time since I started this position.  She acknowledge ways in which she and we fell short in our jobs especially as it came to one of our employees who served as assistant manager for a period in the interim between the former manager and me getting up to speed.  My co-m acknowledged ways in which this employee was set up (unintentionally) for failure from lack of clarity around expectations and that she was not given a fair shake...these are things I’ve been saying all along.  I took this woman under my wing and wanted to mentor her in management.  I saw her drive for personal and professional growth and commitment and care for this business.  I wanted to honor and nurture that.  I rode it out and stuck by her and now, it seems, my co-managers are if not fully sold, at least on board for a trial.  Progress.  

We met with this employee to discuss options and potential moving forward.  In this meeting she very calmly accepted our recognition of fault and apology and gracefully advocated for herself.  She was genuine and assertive in her response where historically she was defensive and skeptical of our motivations (not without reason).  We discussed the importance of trust and communication in the management team and, more broadly. as a part of the culture of the business.  We left that meeting with the intention of processing and re-convening in the next two days.

It felt like a breakthrough.  It felt like an example of what happens when you commit to the higher path.  When you take the time to attend to the people and relationships and act within integrity and reason.  It’s not over; there are still strong personalities that will come into play.  But for today, this feels like a victory.  And serves as a reminder that there is a reason my journey took this turn.  

And all the while, I’m still moving in the direction of my purpose -- I observed a typing interview with my enneagram mentor which was very insightful and informative--I feel capable of doing one of these when I have the opportunity.  I have become part of a group that grew out of this connection with my mentor--Coffee with the Crones.  This group honors our spiritual and personal growth journey.  It’s a space where we can be open and vulnerable and talk about things like our history with religion and similar institutions, how our enneagram types and other personality structures play out as well as process anything going on in our lives at any point.  One of the women in this group helps facilitate the Enneagram coach training, which I’d opted out of due to finances.  She reached out to me following the group to invite me to this training free of charge because she believes I have a gift.  I was blown away and so honored.  Been having conversations with Jim Malloy, from BBB softball in which we both are being bit by bit more vulnerable about how we trigger each other and our processes and are able to honor our friendship and commit to working through things and growing.  I’m sure more examples will come to mind of how I’m still moving in the direction I’m aiming for...it’s so easy to get caught up in the unfinished, how far there is left to go, what’s not ideal, how I’m not measuring up...that what is actually in alignment and how much I’ve actually accomplished gets buried.  

What clarity this day, this moment, this reflection has given me.  Ohhhh this journey.  I am grateful 

#reflections #shadowwork #enneagram #journey #daybyday