#some days i can’t get out of bed

[teddy-bear-d]

A nice moment of peace before the men in our party decided to be dumb and get vampired…

#dnd party #dnd art #dnd #dungeons and dragons #Merl Trubnif #dnd oc #I still don’t know how to tag my dnd art lol #also some context #Reverie and I (Merl) decided to have some fun before travelling for days again on some random quest #our group is currently considered the hero’s and we keep getting hired to do things #anyway #we vibing #then reverie passes out drunk and we put her to bed #and almost immediately after we get approached by some sketchy guy #and Asreal and Syldar (changling? and elf) decide why not drink the vial of blood this weird guy gave us #sure #I was not pleased #and that’s saying something because Merl will put almost anything in her mouth #can’t wait to see what happens there #… #yeah

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.

It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.

#Hhhhhhngh #for three weeks I’ve been doing this #I’ve had all the time in the world #and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head #Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough #I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst #And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00??? #and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy #I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM #If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what #I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things #not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something #something to put pure fear and concern in my veins #It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place #and I don’t have to run right now either #I could do something #I know how #But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things #At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time #I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that #hypocritical #idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best #it excites me #Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations #But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all #I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind #I am thinking about it though #It’s tempting #get behind me satan

[mlmshark]

I’ll be like “yeah, no being disabled hasn’t really affected me that badly I’m okay” and then something will slightly remind me of a hospital and suddenly I’m panicking

#also my grades dropped significantly #and some days I can’t do anything #can’t even get out of bed #maybe it is bad lol #disability #disabled #tw vent #tw hospital

[danielnelsen]

a week ago i might have said i feel mostly ok, just a little off, but i am Suffering now. why can’t graves’ disease have fun symptoms like……………idk i can’t think of anything.

#personal #dr said she’d send a prescription by mail and email and i haven’t got either yet. how long does it take to send an email???? #it’s the end of the next day after she said that. helloooooo can i have my thyroid medicine before i’m stuck in bed all day pleeeease #i can’t even enjoy lying in bed because i keep getting hot flushes #for now i will just lie here and try to stave off migraines. how tf did i do this for 4 years before i was diagnosed ugh #no wonder it was such a horrible time and i ended up with such bad agoraphobia from symptoms i haven’t developed yet this time #i’d better not start having panic attacks before i get my medicine. not the panic attacks that my thyroid gives me #i still have panic attacks but those ones were always like. ah i am Actually dying. complete certainty i’m having a heart attack #ended up with such bad heart anxiety that my wrists were constantly bruised from checking my pulse #anyway. hopefully some aggressive treatment knocks it out within a few months. if i ever get the fucking prescription #sorry i’m mad. that’s also a symptom lmao kill me #at least i have my heart meds because i still take those sometimes

[zaddyazula]

not even funny how hard i was crying yesterday like jesus christ

#honestly might be the hardest i’ve cried (at least in a very long time) #like i was a MESS #and what was it at??? #jjk spoilers #jjk season 2 spoilers #NANAMI. AND MAKI. AND MEGUMI AND TOJI. #i was crying for like 4 episodes straight or something and then toji decided to pull that ‘not zenin? i’m glad’ EXCUSE ME SIR #also like toji’s alright he’s not my favourite but OH MY GOD and his eyes changed 😭😭😭😭😭 #i’d just finished crying over nanami getting barbecued and then i was off again #i got spoiled for him dying on tiktok spoilers are basically inescapable but oh my god #in the scene where miwa is crying over mechamaru like hands crossed in her chest leaning over that was actually me #i literally had my head parallel to my bed and my arms crossed to my chest like i can’t get communion or some shit 😭😭😭😭 #and i had to keep turning my head to look at my tv and just kept sobbing #because by the time he actually died i’d stopped crying because it had been like 5 episodes or something but i was sobbing #and it caught me so off guard when jogo got them i was literally staring at the screen going ‘WHAT?’ before i started crying my eyes out #the pipeline my camera roll goes through its pictures of nanami from like the first episodes of the season and then it’s me crying 😭😭😭😭 #i felt so ill about it all i literally couldn’t finish my dinner i ate like a birdseye chicken fillet and then had to give up #also keep in mind i dedicated my entire day to jjk like i watched the movie and then watched all of season 2 in like 9 and a half hours #so when nobara died i was so exhausted i couldn’t even cry i just sort of went ‘you what’ at the screen and had to sit there in pain #but it was so so good all the same like damn #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk season 2 #zad talks

[pbpsbff]

every day i am glad that i got over my being 11 and romanticizing mental illness in fanfiction phase but at the same time it’s like. i got the mental illnesses i was glorifying. at least i write them accurately now???

#my twenty one pilots fic #and my hamilton fic #walked so my peter parker fics could run #you guys are all so lucky you didn’t meet me in 2016 #lets talk about the glorifying eating disorders to developing one pipeline #loud sobbing #i was like ooh depression so quirky and fun uwu sad boy!!! #and now i can’t get out of bed some days #like fuck

[theamazingannie]

Fun thing about cleaning my room is I’ll find something I was using like a week ago buried deep under my bed in a pile of old receipts and candy wrappers and then also find something I haven’t seen in MONTHS like right there sitting exposed on the floor

#don’t understand this #Im so close to getting this room the most organized that it’s been since I moved in a year ago #but i gotta clean the junk out from underneath my bed and somehow that’s worse than everything else I’ve done #all motivation i had last week as disappeared this week #but i got a new shelf set up to put stuff that was laying around the floor on #i got my books all neatly lined up on the bookshelf I’ve had for months but had only put random junk on instead #got my earrings all sorted and put away except the ones missing their twin #which are set aside until they are matched #finally hung up my whiteboard calendar and got the dates down #not that I have anything going on I really need a calendar for lmao #but It’s magnetic so i departed it with some magnets and now I actually have some decoration in here aside from my eras poster #all my clothes are organized and anything I don’t wear is put in bins for me to shove against the wall #until they can hopefully one day be put in storage #for me to have when I hopefully one day move out and actually have use for party clothes #after a whole year of being in this room it actually feels lived in rather than just a storage room with a futon #It’s still half a storage room but it’s also now half me #unfortunately my shelf is cheap and the hooks can’t bare the weight of my jackets even with gorilla tape #so this weekend I gotta try to figure out what to do about that #need something stronger to support the weight #or maybe just more gorilla tape lol #anyways not that anyone is reading this but it is 3am and I can’t sleep so I decided to clean #but i think I’m just gonna read #or maybe play the sims #or maybe continúe to sit ln the floor mindlessly scrolling through tumblr

[mars-ipan]

i KNOW it was bait i know but i just saw a tiktok of this woman saying some shit like “gen z can’t use a paper map they can’t read cursive if they take over the world it’ll be easy to get it back” and i am so bitter bc 1- if a child cannot do something then their guardians have failed to teach them 2- most of the things she mentioned are not things we actually need in the year of our lord 2023 3- why do you consider gen z as an aggressor trying to take over the world and 4- I CAN FUCKING DO THOSE THINGS

#marzirants #GODDDD it was like some weird standup thing too. such awkward timing #i fucking hate people like that #this woman literally said with a straight face (actually a creepy botox smile) that gen z can’t read paper maps and need a phone gps #ma’am. ma’am i am looking you in the eyes. do you think atlases and google maps are so fundamentally different #that knowing how one works would not inform you on how the other works even slightly?????? #‘god i dunno how to read this paper map the directions are all confusing. thank god for my digital map that looks the exact fucking same’ #fucking idiot. #‘mnehhh they can’t read cursive’ bitch i can WRITE in cursive quite well actually. maybe ur handwriting is just ass #and THEN that whole like. take over the world part #huh??? whuh???? since when has generation z been the face of world domination???? #you motherfuckers think zoomers are plotting to take over the government???? girlie we’re plotting ways to get out of bed in the morning #like. are you referring to how gen z is growing up and entering the political sphere as adults who can vote??? #are we taking over the government by performing our civic responsibility??? #like i hate to break it to you. one day you will die and gen z will be the generation ‘in charge’. that’s called the passage of time #so sick of this shit. ma’am you are beefing with 19yos #like if you are two generations older than me you do not need to be beefing with me !!! stay in your lane #if i am the ‘child’ in this scenario i should not have to tell you to grow the fuck up. jesus #the immaturity of it all i mean really. that’s some playground insult bullshit #‘you’re so dumb you can’t even read cursive loser !!!’ damn bitch if ur gonna insult me at least be accurate. lying is a bad look on you #honestly if someone randomly starts beefing with me for *checks notes* being born in the 2000s #i’m just gonna activate every zoomer bone in my body. i will start using slang i hate #just because i know it’d piss them off #i’d write ‘get bent cunt’ on a little flashcard in perfect cursive just to prove a point #god. i’m so sick of all the generation war stuff #completely fucking unnecessary. imagine starting beef with someone like 5 developmental stages behind you #‘take over the world’ fucking moron. that’s how society works we like to call it time #literally like. old man shouts at cloud levels of unnecessary #i know i shouldn’t let such clear bait get under my skin like that but #it is 2:30 am so my impulse control is inhibited. also i’m bitter

[floral-hex]

so tired but I don’t want to sleep yet, so… quesadillas? yeah, that sounds like a plan.

#didn’t get much sleep last night #and today has been… weird… ish… mix of bad and good #and I got hit with some nauseas anxiety so I may have taken something to mellow me out #probably gonna make my third cup of coffee soon #which is dumb because I should just go to bed #but I don’t want to. you can’t make me. #also I don’t really like just being in my room these days #feels lonely #even if I’m just heading to bed. it’s kinda… not great thinking about how quiet and closed off it is in there #well boo hoo me. big baby. #it’s cool. it’s whatever. gonna eat some quesadillas. drink some shitty coffee. it’s fine. #anyway sorry if you read all of this #I love you stranger #text

[arklay]

i know i mention it a lot but being diagnosed with fibro and cfs like it’s validating for what i’ve gone through for as long as i can remember but i’m also like aughhggghg

#leah.txt #it’s so hard for me to do anything like i’m bound to my chair if not bed and just doing nothing a lot of the day and it’s so hard and it’s #like no one gets the whole mix of the two is so much and cause no one treats it seriously when it’s like i literally can’t work or just #leave the house. like i go out once for an hour to eat with fam and am out for days like it is so much #that on top of all the other health conditions i have it’s just. lies on the floor. some genetic. some co-morbidities. just augh #sorry to complain i’m just exhausted

[palms-upturned]

.

#meg talks #frustrated today bc i have so much stuff to do but. im burnt out and disorganized #so i can’t get started on anything. sigh #my ideal to do list to finish today before the weekend is over and i have to squeeze chores between shifts: #wash the dishes #fold the clean laundry and wash the bedding #get a load of groceries ordered (and put away whenever it arrives) #bring the trash out to the bins… preferably all in one trip but sigh. maybe not #general housecleaning like the countertops and floors and such #change the litter ofc #try and get on top of making appointments for my yearly checkup and touching base w my fibro specialist #since apparently they didn’t respond to the pharmacy’s refill request for my meds 😒 #and ideally do some cooking but. that’ll probably just have to wait until later in the week. sigh #oh and i’ll have to clean out the fridge. right. #god i just don’t even know where to start but at least writing everything down helps a little. go figure #anyway it’s frustrating to recognize that ur burnt out and need a vacation or like. idk some help #but u have to plan the vacation loooooong out in advance #and also ur broke so who tf is gonna take the time to help u manage ur household #idk. just extra disheartening that im having a day like this on new years i guess. would like for this year to be a little easier. please.

[whimsyprinx]

every day is just me hoping that I’ll die one way or another

#whimsy whispers #whims woes #delete later #I hope that I die in my sleep and never have to open my eyes #or that when I go out to run errands that someone hits the side of the car where I’m sat at #or that some freak accident happens and I die #that the world ends #it that I do end up electrocuted like I’m afraid of ahdjfjjt #I don’t even care if it hurts at this point I just like don’t want to be here #but here I am I’m still here I’m still alive I wake up every day and it’s the same as always #I wonder if I’ll be able to function or if everything will hurt so bad that I don’t even get out of bed #ofc it’s not that I like or want to feel this way I wish life was like worth living but life is worthless because I’m worthless #I’m useless and pathetic and can’t do anything right and I jsut don’t want to be here anymore #but like I’ll wake up tomorrow and as said before it’ll all repeat #every day is the same #some days just suck more #gonna go try and be like normal again (ignore how I feel and hope it goes away)

[madeofbees]

i’m not even a person, i’m just a bunch of traumas stacked on top of each other in a trench coat made of fandoms.

personality ? me ? no no, that’s just season 4 of community. common mistake though !

#cptsd culture is #cptsd #bpd #borderline personality disorder #i am just a-okay fine-a-doodle-do #I am not well-adjusted. and more often than not I am barely keeping it together. I’m constantly texting and there’s no one on the other end #I’m just a grown man who can’t even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I’m too afraid they’ll see that I am broken. #one time when I was in seventh grade I told everyone I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. but when Beth Brannon asked to #see the scar I didn’t wanna get found out. so I took mom’s scissors and I made one. it hurt like hell but it was worth it because I got #seventeen cards. and I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later because it proves that someone at some point cared about me #I also have a collection of cards like that #them: why do you like things so much god the materialism #me: I got myself that Gengar plushie for my birthday #my sibling and I went to a sketch thinkgeek store in a sketch mall in a sketch area bc I had a coupon #it was super uncomfortable but I found my guy #then we got Dunkin and I surprised my dad at work with a bagel #then Robin and I hung out at their place and it was a really lovely day #that’s why.

[inga-don-studio]

Oh, so we’re at that mid-tier stage of the sleep deprivation loopiness, eh? The ‘Do All the Things’ stage because I think I suddenly feel great, when All the Things involve using power tools my drunk-tired butt shouldn’t even look at right now.

#I was too nervous about today’s apartment inspection to sleep last night #Not that I had anything to worry about since I take good care of the apartment #It was more because I know how shaken I get when strangers compromise my little personal space- and my anxiety was having a field day #Jokes on my anxiety though- #both the maintenance guy & the apartment manager spent more time geeking out over my weird shit than inspecting #It was actually really sweet though?! The manager started going on about how much she loves the Haunted Mansion too & the maintenance guy- #-wanted to know what all my bootlegs were? And then the manager said she didn’t want to leave? Like bro? 🥹 #So this was the first time I haven’t felt violated or gone into flight mode despite having unfamiliar people in my space? #Probably won’t happen again but it was genuinely nice #But uh now that that’s over and the lack of sleep is catching up my brain’s starting to play it’s little tricks #Worse than the mild hallucinations is the impulse to do All The Things to stay awake when I know All The Things involve tools I shouldn’t- #-use when this tired #But I want to get working on the Moon mask & try out the idea I have for making his face spin #And I’m starting to feel the pressure of having the headcrab mask done in time for Midsummer Scream in a month #Too many stabby burny potentially toxic things that my drunk-tired butt can’t be trusted with rn #I’ve never handled a total lack of sleep well so I just need to choose something simple & safe & go to bed early #And maybe order some Pandas because I can tell my energy crash is going to be a doozy & fixing dinner won’t be in the cards #Oh gawd this is long sorry #🎃 cryptid sighting

[crowcryptid]

so here is an update on the progress thats been made

i was going to finish it this weekend but my mom changed her mind and stayed home so i couldn’t do anything >:[

#i have been waiting for MONTHS to have a chance to finish it #last time she was gone for a few days I was too sick to get out of bed #this weekend she was supposed to be gone for 2 days and then didn’t go :/ #my brain will not allow me to do things when people are around #it’s very annoying. i can’t explain. #anyway for some reason uploading this to tumblr ruins the colors #in photoshop it isnt this saturated. :L #no rbs because it isn’t done #if my mom would just. leave. me. alone. i would make so much art.

[arthur-r]

this is a TERRIBLE photo but. he/him monstrous vermin turtle person. i’m gonna make one or two to spell roget’s strumpet but i didn’t have time today but i’m very excited. i made he/him at the disability center forever ago they had a crafting event. and monstrous vermin i made today (from the metamorphosis!! my favorite translation anyway. with the unsettling dreams not the agitated ones. STANLEY CORNGOLD the annotated one that’s it) and turtle person is from my friend redacted-name but you guys know her she’s the one who i hangout with in college like my classic college friend the one who has been around this whole time and not even being evil to me just being a good person and friend. and she made me a turtle person bracelet cause one time i called myself a terrible person and she thought i said turtle person and from now on we’re not allowed to be mean to ourselves we are just turtles instead not terrible. and i have a bracelet for that which is very good. and now i’m going to go to bed. but it’s been so real

#sorry for being weird and strange!!!! it will happen every day. but i love my bracelets so much #and i’m gonna go to bed and feel so much better #some of my evil college friends were joking today about what i would look like manic. failing to notice that i’m pretty much there already #i mean. they were talking about me doing arson. i’m not THERE already but i’m manic already. they were joking like it’s not gonna happen #but i think we have different definitions of what seasonal depression means or the opposite summertime version of it. like i think they wer #talking about the kind where you’re a little sad during the winter and you’re happy and energetic when it’s nice outside #like how the weather goes most of the time and being depressed in the winter not being DEPRESSED in the winter #and then apparently you joke about being manic in the summer when it’s not even something real and you just mean you like the summer #or something like that. very confusing. anyway i was like ‘yeah no it’s gonna get me so bad the mania is coming on’ or soooomething #and everybody was saying like oh man i can just see you out there on the field. doing pushups and parkour. and also burning down buildings? #these people are bad at structuring jokes. too much different plot lines. ANYWAY i’m so sorry i’m like so tired and bad at saying whatever #but basically people were so weird at me today and like no actually my sleepy bod is ALREADY holding summer insanity in me i SWEAR PROMISE #it’s ALREADY HERE i just have chronic fatigue (symptom fatigue not ME) so you can’t NOTICE IT im not doing PUSHUPS but i promise you its #the mania will not stay in your silly hypothetical jokes for very longer. it’s just gonna be a fact of life #idk. i don’t think i always get like this so hopefully it goes away. but i’m definitely feeling strange. OKAY. goodnight #i’m so tired i’m gonna go to bed. but so much love and please text or call if you need anything. goodnight 💛 #me. my post. mine. #delete later #JUST REMEMBERD THIS IS BRACELET POST #i love them so much. i’ll take a better picture in the morning. okay love and light most genuine in the world!!!! goodnight!!!! #long post #friends only