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#some call it mental illness i call it what makes me spicy
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Helps The Medicine Go Down...
Eddie Munson x fem!reader
Summary: Eddie is rather annoyed you won't take your medicine one day... So, of course, he resorts to another form of motivation.
Word Count: 1.4k
Warnings: 18+ MDNI, medication mentioned (not specified what kind or what for), withdrawal symptoms mentioned, language, reader self sabotages, reader has unhealthy habits, dom!Eddie, dom/sub dynamic, spicy but no smut, teasing, i think that's all
A/N: Ya know, since I'm pretty sure we are all horny and mentally ill
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You had never been one to take care of yourself, at least not willingly. You were always on the lookout for small ways to punish yourself. Doing so was like second nature. A skipped meal was no biggie. Not getting enough sleep on purpose was normal. Not taking your medications was commonplace.
That was until you got close to none other than Eddie Munson. It started out as a close friendship but quickly blossomed into something much more. You two had a dynamic you hadn't had with anyone else before. You cared for each other, yes, but he seemed to constantly be looking for ways he could better you in that area. Not necessarily out of competition, but simply because that was just the way he was. He wanted to care for you in any way he could, and he took any chance he got.
Sometimes it got rather annoying.
When Eddie figured out how much you didn't bother to care for yourself, you'd have thought you had called him a freak to his face. At first he was taken aback, then he quickly became indignant. From then on he was always on top of your habits.
"Eating a cheese stick isn't a meal. Come on, we're going to McDonald's."
"Three hours of sleep? Babe, you gotta be kidding me."
"Wait, before we leave, go drink a glass of water."
"When was the last time you ate?.... No, nevermind, doesn't matter 'cause I'm making you a fuckin' sandwich."
"Don't you dare leave that cut exposed, put a bandaid on it right this instant."
"You called to make that doctor appointment right?"
You hated to admit it, but he helped you learn to tend to your own upkeep. You found yourself wanting him to be proud of you, for his face to light up when you looked at him proudly to tell him the balanced meal you just had. To feel him hug you from behind as you cooked something for yourself and whisper praises in your ear. Or even just to see him smile softly when you told him you were going to bed earlier than usual. He'd usually join you then, cuddling you until your breaths slowed into a slumber.
The one thing you couldn't seem to get a handle on, though, was taking your medications on time. It wasn't on purpose, the thought of taking them just slipped your mind.
… At least that's what you always told yourself.
Sure, you had improved in other areas, but this was the habit you took some sort of comfort in. Taking your medicine for three days straight only to stop for two was your normal. In the mornings you'd look at the bottle, and without a second thought be able to determine if you deserved to feel better that day or not. Doing so would usually lead to headaches or dizziness as well as a mood change. You found yourself eventually hiding the withdrawal symptoms well from the people in your life, the self sabotage feeling like home.
Eddie saw right through you like a window. There was a certain demeanor you had about you on some days that kept recurring. Eventually, through prying questioning and careful observation, he narrowed it down to your meds. Or rather, not taking them. So, like the loving boyfriend he coined himself to be, he started making sure you took them. When he'd ask if you had, you'd clam up like a child caught red handed. Then you'd go take the pills like you were walking yourself into time out.
This kept happening and the span of time between missed meds kept shrinking… but it never disappeared.
One day, on an especially gloomy day for you, Eddie asked again if you took your meds. Of course you hadn't. It was chore day in the house after all, you didn't have time to take them. You'd rather spend the day doing laundry with Eddie as your medication than those dumb pills.
With the shake of his head, he softly reprimanded you, as usual. This time it didn't do the trick, the voices in your head insisting that one day without the pills was fine. Secretly, you resisted and continued pushing through the day.
After the fourth time of asking that morning, Eddie had had enough. Unknown to you, he had been watching your pill bottle in the bathroom. It hadn't moved an inch, not even rotated. Clearly, you still hadn't touched it. He grabbed the bottle, about to march into the livingroom to make you take your goddamn meds. But then he gave pause… and slowly put the bottle in his pocket. He knew a better way of how to get to you.
The next time you two crossed paths in the hallway, he grabbed you by the wrist and pinned it to the wall.
"Wh-, Ed's, what are you-"
"Did you take your meds yet?" He asked with a raised yet knowing brow.
Your heart fell into your gut and you looked away in shame.
His hand immediately gripped your jaw, forcing your eyes to meet his leering over you. "I asked you a question sweetheart. Did. You take. Your meds?"
Eyes wide, you shook your head. Suddenly it seemed now that your heart had dropped even further, causing a throb in your underwear.
"Well that won't do, will it?" He let your hand fall from the wall and dug into his pocket, pulling out the familiar rattling bottle. He raised it to face level between you both, turning yours to look a it. "You know, only good girls take their medicine, right?"
The throbbing reared it's head within you, a certain tingle in your chest igniting it. His stare was stern and authoritative, drilling into your cowering form relentlessly.
"You want to be a good girl, don't you?" He crooned.
You uncontrollably gulped, feeling like you were trapped in the corner of a cage… and fuck was it hot.
"Yes sir," You muttered, reaching up to grab the pill bottle.
"Ah ah ah," He pulled it from your reach. "I don't think I trust you to do it yourself."
You looked up at him, brow creased in confusion, yet you didn't protest.
"In the bathroom. Now." He commanded, stepping back to let you lead the way.
Obediently, you turned and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
"Grab a cup of water," He added, shaking the bottle as if to taunt you with your mistake.
After filling a Dixie cup, you held out your palm, expecting him to shake a pill into your hand.
He simply smirked and shook his head, opening the pill bottle. "You assume too much, princess," He tutted, then with a pill between his fingers, he forewent your outstretched palm and brought his hand to your mouth. "Open."
Slowly lowering your own hand, you opened your mouth and stuck your tongue out as was your habit.
"Good," He purred, dragging out the praise and placing the pill delicately on your tongue. "Now drink."
You sipped the cup gingerly as his hand lowered down to your jawline.
He squeezed your face. "Swallow."
You were positive your underwear was ruined by now, your thighs clenched together tightly. When you had pressed them so hard together, you weren't sure. It was safe to say you were worked up, and by the ghost of a smirk on his face, Eddie could tell.
Tentatively, you swallowed, the pill going down surprisingly smooth considering the lump in your throat.
His warm hand then gave you a pat on the side of the face. "Good girl."
Your stomach flipped at the admiration and you fought to keep your composure. You knew he liked it when you kept eye contact with him. All you wanted was to make him proud of you.
Then, as if a switch was flipped, his darkened eyes cleared and he gave you a self assured yet goofy smile. "Alright, I gotta go do dishes," He stated, putting your pill bottle on the counter, then promptly walking away, down the hall.
You stood there, absolutely awestruck, Dixie cup in hand, and panties literally in a twist. Gaping for a minute like a fish you then stomped your foot in frustration. "Oh come on, you can't do that!" You yelled, leaning out of the doorway. "You can't just tease and stop like that!"
Eddie smugly laughed from the kitchen. "Take your pills and I won't have to again!"
You groaned, crushing the empty Dixie cup in your hand.
Of course he would pull some shit like that.
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cinamun · 4 months
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I’m confused…maybe you can help explain it a little more cuz I might be missing something. The update just came so I’m basing this off comments I’ve seen so far. How is Ryker the jerk for moving on but Dira isn’t for flat out lying to him about what happened and him not even finding out the truth from her, not telling him he was physically assaulted, and then KISSING Rah…the person responsible for all that which I’m sure he doesn’t know about still. Like yes, she has Indya’s entire personality and we absolutely love to see it. I can’t wait to see more of how she blooms and perfects that personality in all the right ways. She’s spicy and I love it. But why are we condoning her jumping on his ass like that even though she was the one in the wrong with this situation when it comes to her and Ry and their relationship, Rah’s actions aside cuz of course he’s the main one that’s wrong but as Ry’s girlfriend Dira did him really dirty so why are we mad or surprised that he split and moved on? If it were the other way around and some girl did that to Dira on behalf of nonsense between her and Ry and he lied and all that, we’d be ready to take his head off.
P.s. love that Rah looks to have taken a shower and cleaned himself up. He looks healthier at least physically which is a big step when you struggle with mental illness so good for him. Idk if I like her approaching him straight after feeling scorned by Ry cuz as stated earlier, she is her mothers twin BUT here we are.
Okay okay friend!! Whew! Good morning! The lemon peppers are almost done and the Ghettosas are lined up on the table in the back!
Y'all ready?
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I wouldn't quite say she jumped him, she confronted him. This makes me think he didn't really tell her he had a new boo. They probably just stopped calling and texting. Dira is mad seeing him all hugged up with ol girl after he got the v-card.
So Ryker deserved the read he got.
Dira is not innocent. Who were her eyes on in the last couple frames? Its just like you said. She kept the truth from Ry even when he practically begged for it. She kept the truth from him to protect Rahul. She's bogus and can't be mad that Ry chose someone else to slurp on after graduation.
So yeah, she should have told him and I think this is the moment it was over for them:
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Oh and yes, Rahul took a shower, got a hair cut and is now waiting to see if his punk ass momma is gonna show up. Stay tuned lol
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fitzrove · 1 year
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7 Common Tod & Rudolf relationship interpretations and what I think of them
1. "Tod was only using Rudolf to make Elisabeth depressed"
0/10 take. Not only does it simplify their relationship in a way that I feel does a disservice to the complex themes of the show, it also points to a worldbuilding view in which Tod is the cause (not a symptom or manifestation) of mental illness. Which I feel would trivialise the historical character's struggles and mental health issues in general.
2. "Tod is the manifestation of Rudolf's (and Elisabeth's) suicidal ideation."
7/10 take. I like it but it isn't as spicy as some others - just points to Rudolf having a very vivid and particular imagination. Lends itself to a lot of "that's kinda gay<333" takes which is A++.
3. "Tod is a supernatural figure that does what he does because he wants to consume Rudolf's life/soul, kinda like a vampire, or because taking people when their time comes is his duty."
8/10 take. The "sexy grim reaper" take. Can be combined with other takes that I enjoy.
4. "Tod is Rudolf's friend and confidante first and foremost and genuinely shares his wish for a better world. He doesn't want him to die, he wants him to live and succeed - and it's a terrible tragedy that even with all his power, he can't control the fate and time of death of humans that he cares about."
10/10 take. The Bruxellons take. Makes me feel so many tender and painful emotions.
5. "He literally just wants to f -"
11/10 take. The Máté Kamarás & Oliver Arno take. Fjödjfösld I'm only half joking.
6. "Tod does exist, does care for Rudolf, and wants to keep him/tempt him to join him in death/the afterlife/whatever."
6/10 take. A pretty uncommon take, tends to be more common for Tod and Elisabeth. I like it in fanfic, but I really hate it for Tod and Elisabeth, and sometimes it exists for both Elisabeth and Rudolf at the same time in fics XD And you do have to kind of explain away why Rudolf stayed and Elisabeth didn't, if you choose that route. This one also isn't really supported by canon in most productions.
7. "Tod doesn't exist and the Rudolf we see in the musical is not a self-directed agent but a fabrication of Lucheni's. This is why he's portrayed sympathetically (the irl Lucheni received a letter from a fellow anarchist that called Rudolf "a friend of the people" and said that Elisabeth's murder was justified because it was her and FJ who caused Rudolf's death). The reason Tod and Rudolf interact as they do in Schatten is because Lucheni is projecting his own... uh, goals and desires (he seeks death and wants to change the world) onto their relationship and onto Rudolf as a character."
900/10 take. Serkan Kaya's Lucheni is my favourite fanfic author ❤️
the last one isn't really common, it's just a take i've been rotating in my head recently
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bvgmvtt · 1 year
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✯Cuno . they/it/he . 23✯
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Updated 10/26/23 -gives this post a like if ya read it like a good person
Welcome to my Tumblr! I always appreciate likes, reblogs, and follows as a way to support me.
Other ways to support me include tipping, subbing to my fan site, buying premade or custom content (menu + details below), and following me on my Twitter! (More active here and my spicy site) My content is '#my post' and my text posts are '#cuno barks'
The most important sections of my pinned are my DNI, c/tw tags, and acceptable terms. I'd like it if you read those at the very least before following/whatever.
Cashapp
Venmo
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✯ about me..
23. Libra. pansexual+polyam (closed). nuerodivergent (bipolar+cptsd). stoner. verse switch. 18+ content creator for 4+ years.
I am polyamorous with three loving and committed partners. I am owned + collared by one of them, so I am not looking for relationships, casual or otherwise. In the rare case I am interested in some form of personal connection, it's likely going to be t4t. If you want to sext, hit me up about my content menu.
Flirting in tags is completely fine and boosts my mood! I love reading your tags 💚 My asks are open! Just don't be a douche.
✯vanilla life..
acrylic+watercolor painting. embroidery. traditional illustration. sewing. jewelry making. oddity collecting. Norse pagan. pet parent.
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✯kinks..
sadomasochism. pet/pup/bun play. bondage. primal play. dom/sub. wax play. humiliation. degradation. praise. edging. overstim. monster fucker.
✯limits..
scat/abdl. age play. misgendering. detrans.
✯dni..
cishet men without $. minors/ageless/blank. ped0s. z00. bigots. If you're only attracted to women, I'm not here for you. If you fall under any of these categories, I will block you on sight. Unsolicited pictures sent to my messages or in my replies will also get you blocked.
✯CW + trigger warnings..
I smoke weed daily to help treat symptoms of bipolar disorder and PTSD, so, smoking is occasionally present in my content. If you need any c/tw tags, please feel free to message me about it.
C/TWs I use include..
tw weed . tw marijuana
While I do have kinks developed from my traumas such as CNC and harder kinks such as blood play (no sh!), I DO NOT reblog or post such levels of content to this blog. Please, please let me know if me being into said kinks alone (or anything!) is uncomfortable for you and I will absolutely unfollow/unblog or whatever other soltutions. You can even block me for your comfort, if that is easier. Please hard block me, though, as I can easily mistake a soft block for me accidentally unfollowing or forgetting to follow someone. If you have soft blocked me and I refollow, I do not do so with ill intent, just don't realize that you did.
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✯acceptable terms..
You may refer to my genitals as hole(s), puppy/boy parts, cunt, and pussy. My dick is to be referred to as such, it is not a clit. T dick is acceptable. Do not refer to my chest as boobs or tits, if you can help it. I'd prefer some boy/pup/mutt in front of most of these.
Acceptable dom titles still include pup + mutt, sir, things along those lines.
Most sub titles are acceptable, as long as they aren't fem coded like princess/girl and so on. Do not include "my" in front of any titles. I am not your's unless you are paying me to refer to you as a title for a session.
I am fine with any compliments like pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. I don't see those as gendered for myself.
✯content menu
You may message me if you are interested in buying custom photosets! Further details can be discussed in messages as well as Inquiries as to what else I may offer.
If you just want to chat it up with me and we aren't following each other, $3 gets my attention, $5 gets flirty attention (no sexting).
Absolutely no in-person, video calls, phone calls, or video customs. It is very rare that I have the mental energy and time required for video customs, but if the offer is high enough and not too complicated a request, I will consider.
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caintooth · 4 months
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ohhhh my god vent post that has nothing to do with any of you but. there has been a new development in some shit going on with my friend and it is making me feel crazy
OVER 3 YEARS ago my good friend posted on twitter saying like “hey please be careful and thoughtful about who you give your money to” because there was a girl from our uni suicide baiting online over not getting financial donations, which my friend had reason to believe she was not using for medical funds as she said she was. which like. yes i am currently e-begging for my top surgery funds? but i am not like… saying i am going to kms if my uni community full of also very poor, also very disabled people does not give me money + i’m being very transparent about what those funds are going towards? i literally feel guilty about it all the time partly BECAUSE of this girl if i’m being real.
but anyway, my friend never ONCE said “[girl’s name] is faking her disabilities for money.” they said “hey disabled community @ our uni, please be careful and thoughtful with your coins”. and after seeing those tweets, that girl’s brother reached out to my friend saying “thank you for posting this, because you know that gofundme she made for my dental work? i never saw a dime of it!”
and obviously this really bothered my friend! so they tried to dm the girl to speak one on one about it! because they did not want to make a huge public deal about it, and the girl seemed like she was not doing well and had many people— including my friend and i— genuinely worried for her safety.
AND IN RESPONSE. the girl tweeted out my friend’s full deadname (how did she even find that), tweeted that they were STALKING her, and claimed they were accusing her of faking her disabilities. AND accused them of trying to break into her house?! AND threatened to call the cops on them?!
for context: my friend is also disabled + neither of us knows where this girl lives but we assume it’s near-ish our uni campus, and my friend was living an hour away / was very definitely at work in a faraway town during the supposed ‘stalking hours’ and just very obviously Did Not Do Any Of Those Things + threatening to call the cops on a visibly queer, mentally ill and disabled person is not an okay thing to do
BUT ANYWAY. it caused all sorts of weird accusations @ my friend . but this was THREE YEARS AGO. they blocked each other on twitter + i blocked the girl because she blocked me for being publicly besties with her “stalker” + my friend and i basically moved on and never thought about it again except once in a while to be like “damn that was crazy. BUT Y’ALL
THERE’S SOME STUFF GOING DOWN ON BOOKTWITTER RIGHT NOW RIGHT? UNRELATED TO ANY OF THIS? A white woman who is a debut SFF author got exposed for making burner accounts on Goodreads under stereotypically brown/Black names to review bomb books by WOC / BIPOC. Heinous shit which does not involve any of us, except the fact that me, my friend, and that girl were all in the creative writing department at our uni / are all writers and thus care greatly about the community involved.
BUT SO. A FRIEND OF MY FRIEND. TEXTED THEM TODAY WITH SOME TWITTER SCREENSHOTS? BECAUSE THAT GIRL WAS TWEETING ABOUT THE BOOK COMMUNITY DRAMA. AND SOMEHOW RELATED IT TO THE SITUATION FROM 3 YEARS AGO? AND STARTED MAKING NEW ACCUSATIONS?
SHE SAID. That she never found HER courage to release HER OWN creative writing due to HER white woman stalker. Y’ALL. 1) SHE WAS NEVER ACTUALLY STALKED. 2) SHE IS ALSO WHITE. (spicy white, yes, European White. but very clearly white.) AND 3) MY FRIEND IS NOT A WOMAN (they are white though lmao).
AND SHE HAS NEWLY ACCUSED MY FRIEND . of being jealous that she is a published writer LMAO. my friend has been published since like HIGH SCHOOL, this has ZERO merit.
AND she claimed my friend has a ton of financial privilege because their rich doctor parents pay for everything— i will be transparent, my friend’s parents are in the medical field and do make a lot of money but first of all how does this girl even know that, second of all my friend works 2 separate jobs to support themself, and third they are very nearly estranged from both parents.
AND. this girl is now claiming my friend did the original shit she accused them of, the stalking and fake-claiming, because it would somehow make their honors thesis “more prominent”?! my friend got highest honors for their 50 page senior thesis on their own lmao does she really think our uni professors cared and/or knew about any of that?
ALSO she has now THREATENED my friend by tweeting part of their deadname again, misgendering them, and saying, direct quote: “lol you didn’t think I’d release all those lil details but um- rest assured, you will never go down very well as a debut author bc I got my receipts saved of you stalking my friends and fam”
WHAT ????????
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merrycrisis-if · 1 year
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allie hi omg i’m so late but i finally played the update and I LOVED IT SO MUCH like idek where to start because i played all the routes and they’re all so good. plus the 18+ scenes got me slutting out for real 😭😭
okok listen the added details in qiu’s first flashback literally drove me crazy like “you’re a hard person to catch alone” QIU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP IM IN LOVE WITH YOU 😭😭😭 and the new flashback!!!!!! like not to make it about me but it reminded me sm of the bday drabble you wrote me last year and let me tell you. a bitch (me) was giggling <3333 the bit where qiu wiped a bit of cheesecake off mc’s lips and mc teased them about making a move to kiss them was so fucking cute :((( and even taking them fishing and the dinner ugh just ALL OF IT!!! they really pulled all the romantic shit and even cut classes for mc and still couldn’t commit to a relationship smh
also nat…… when i say that steamy scene blindsided me and the way they did what they did underwater… i lost my damn mind over that flashback 😮‍💨😮‍💨 but omg that phone call idk what i was expecting but it wasn’t a breakup conversation. when nat said “i need someone who’s here” and “i don’t want scraps when i’ve had all of you” ……. yeah i’m fine 🥲 when mc was like “i wish nat would say smth hurtful so i could hate them” i was like yeah same because nat is so nice and supportive and so spouse material it’s literally impossible not to fall in love with them
but also shay…. god their scenes were fucking insane i was BLUSHING 😭😭😭 there was just no way for me to play different variations of their scenes and stay normal like the little motorcycle bit if you skip the show and they pick you up at dinner was so cute but also the way they make eye contact with you the whole time at their gig…. “tell me why you’re leaving and why it is that we’re kissing on borrowed time” yeah i’m mentally ill. and when they kiss your forehead and your closed eyelids and was like “stop being cute all the time” and the scene in their apartment…. yeah shay’s fucking insane but also very hot but also the biggest sweetheart. i will never be normal after all that
this is so rambly now but i really genuinely enjoyed the demo. i keep saying it but the characters are all lovable even mc’s chaotic and prying relatives which make merry crisis all the more relatable and realistic. i hold this if so close to my heart thank you for writing it 🩷
AHHH!!!! Nikka you have no idea how excited I was to see this in my inbox, and the smile on my face just kept growing and growing as I read this message. It's been a while! I hope 2023 has been kind to you!
I loved writing that update, and I hold Merry Crisis very dear to my heart as well—so it always just hits me in the feels when people like it too/relate to it, ya know!
The Qiu flashback was 1000% inspired by the drabble I wrote for you last year, and I'm so glad I got to use it and expand on it in the game!! I am soooo happy that you liked the scenes, especially because I consider you a Qiu-authority at this point! And on Qiu doing literally everything except commit to a relationship.... yes. Exactly. I think this is what MC also cannot. believe.
Ahh omg. Heh. The Nat spicy scene at the beach was definitely... quite something to write. I wanted the call to really hit hard, but also offer some opportunity for redemption/hope (I wonder if you managed to get the scenes where MC does get a 'maybe' from Nat!)
Yeah, this last update was definitely one for the Shay fans—I packed in as much as I could in there, and writing the music/performance scene was fun, but so were the... bedroom / pillow talk scenes... especially for same-sex Shay!
Anyway, this message made me so so happy, so thank you so much for sending it. (It also makes me happy to know that the side characters / MC's family are also welcome and not simply an annoyance.)
Sending you a million hugs and all of my love!!
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zorlok-if · 2 years
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Dev Log — Sept 2nd
Hello everyone! 😊
It's been (checks notes) awhile, but I hope that you're all doing well. Quite a lot has happened since my last dev log, much of which really took a toll on my mental health and exacerbated some preexisting stuff. That sent me into a bad, lonely place for a bit but I finally got things back under control and felt like I was setting myself up for success, and then I got Covid. So, for the past five days I've mostly just been napping and sniffling, trying to get through isolation. I don't have a good transition, so... Update!
Zorlok Progress
Current word count for Chapter 1 is over 30,000 words. I wrote maybe 4,000 of those in the past two weeks (that is 100% an educated guess, but I think it's pretty accurate)
Wrote and began coding Dev's introduction along with planning for the second combat sequence in Chapter 1
Got first drafts done for what I'm calling "the chaotic break-in scene"—both variations of it, the "attic" path and the "turtle kid" path
Wrote several codex entries
Got the two new music tracks integrated perfectly. Check them out here: Schoolyard Spy and This Thing Crawling Inside both by Darren Curtis who created all of the music featured in Zorlok (now I just need to choose a combat track)
Figured out how to combine the game files with Tweego thanks to this tutorial
Finished implementing the prologue skip function (just skips the first two scenes, brings you to the summoning scene)
Added a "Limit graphic descriptions" switch to the Settings which (when enabled) makes descriptions of violence, body horror, gore, etc. shorter/less vivid; but that's something I'm considering "in testing" at this point
Next Goals
Finish rewriting the contract scene
Continue working on Chapter 1
Main Posts
This amazing art of EJ and Dev by @enspey
First choice of Chapter 1
Another Dev excerpt (kinda spicy)
This fun post about the Zorlok playlists
A recommended tag and another short story if you've been missing my content
A question about a possible feature
A vague update on my mental health
Other Stuff
Nothing. I'm just trying to do my homework and get over this illness
Oh, I did go a bit feral with the most recent D20 episode over on my main account. If you want to check that out, head over to @gamesbyalbie
That's all I can think of. Thanks as always for reading this and supporting this project (it means the world to me). Hope you have a good weekend!
- Albie 😊
PLAY ZORLOK | CAST | FAQ | NAV | ASK | LOGS
As a side note, I've had a number of people reach out to me to ask about updates/my timeline. To answer most of those questions, there is no timeline for when the next chapter will be released. I appreciate people wanting more Zorlok content (trust me, I do too) but I already write as much as I can and communicate as best as I'm able to (which I've kind of spoken about here). As a reminder, this is a hobby that I do in my free time, the amount of time I can invest is dependent on how much free time I have. Right now, between school and my job, that's very limited; plus, if the last month has taught me anything, it's that shit can happen at anytime and wildly interrupt your plans. My primary goal is always to make something I'm proud of and feel confident releasing. So, I won't be setting timelines or a release date until I know for sure that the chapter will be fully ready by then. As soon as I know when that is, I'll let you know. Again, thank you for your interest, but there's nothing else I can offer you on that topic.
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cozza-frenzy · 10 months
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Pinned Post Time!
You can call me Terry - I'm sometimes known as Tea, and some people might call me Exi, but that's a throwback to a muuuuch older online handle that I no longer use. I'm 35 years old and identify as genderqueer and xenogender - basically nonbinary, but spicy. I'm married to my husband Lito but (as far as I know) he's not active on tumblr right now, and my Queerplatonic partner is Sigyn @rinjak3! I'm the host of The Magbox System! That means we have a type of Dissociative Identity Disorder (suspected OSDD 1-b) previously known as Multiple Personalities. Our current headcount is 11, but that's liable to change as we recover. Not all our alters are super active on tumblr, but there's a list of all our alters and their personal tags (if they have them) here (NOTE 3/24 - This list is NOT up to date and will not be updated until we've recovered from another Mass Fusion Phase) Extra/more detailed stuff under the cut. Thanks, and have fun!
Our stance on syscourse: Don't add it to our posts, don't put it in our inbox. We're not open to debating things; we want our spaces to be left alone while we deal with mental illness, and supposed systems who claim not to be mentally ill have persistently ignored our personal boundaries and disrespected the Mad Community. We don't want endos or their supporters here. Our personal views: We don't list DNI because anyone who wants to cause trouble will ignore it, but politically we're mostly Democratic Socialists (with a few of us leaning further left in terms of ideals). We don't reblog a lot of activism posts, but if you're curious about our opinions on whatever, feel free to DM us. Do not send asks about: - Anything to do with our Littles; we do not post detailed information about them in public spaces, and we do not allow them to front unsupervised - Anything to do with "source calls" or sharing a source with your alters; we personally consider this unhealthy behavior, and not a good basis for forming friendships, so we don't engage in it - Internet safety; we are bodily 35 years old, our abusers are an entire continent away, and although we are mentally ill we do not need sane people's intervention to prevent harm. Don't talk down to us or tell us not to post certain things, it's ableist and demeaning. We block the following on sight: - TERFs/gender exclusionists (like if you have "men DNI" on your profile) - Drama, cringe, and callout blogs - Self-identified "radqueers" and "transID" (if you don't know what this means do not google it) - Endogenic "systems" and their supporters (people who claim to have alters without having DID/OSDD) - Tar Pits (people who reblog others' positivity posts just to drag them down) - People who sympathize with/make excuses for authoritarian states and ethnostates, regardless of political alignment (this includes Zionists) - Anyone who's just here to Cause Problems On Purpose
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gummybugg · 8 months
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Writer Questions Tag!
Thanks for the tag, @tabswrites! Find her post here. I did do this tag at some point, but I wanted to restart!
I'm gonna leave this as a fully Open tag. If anyone wants, they can say I tagged them!
...
[1] What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?
Forcing myself to write more via peer pressure & to maintain a highly Positive blog to foster confidence in my writing. But also, I would say my wip Crater City, because I just like going Wild writing it. I don't have to hold back my imagination, I just use whatever comes to mind create a new path. I promise it's not as chaotic as that sounds because there is a sound plot, but I give a lot of wiggle room. Very refreshing, and it's a stark contrast to writing essays all day.
[2] Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?
Not a question! But! Every time there’s a song playing and my little sister says “I’m assigning that song to your character.” (And then I tell her it’s on the character’s playlist already, ehehehe) I’m just very passionate about my characters, that’s the moral of the story :’)
[3] What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?
I’ll hit you with the double-edged sword called “I got the best idea for a scene at 3 am but I’m sooo tired, but it’s sooo gonna be worth it!” (Yet I never regret doing it)
[4] What is your greatest motivation to write/create?
Probably writing stories that are a culmination of my favorite stories. At least, that's what Crater City is so far. Not a copy, of course, but if all of my favorite apocalyptic/sci-fi media had a child, that's what it would be!
There’s a handful or 2 of some sci-fi webtoons I really adore reading! I would recommend books too, if only I could read them in a timely manner. Comics are just easier for me to consume for the time being.
[5] What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?
Write what excites you and don't worry too much about if others think it's cringe. I’ve seen so many reddit threads of people asking if they can put [insert trope] in their writing, and I wish I could just scream at them: DO IT! IT’S YOUR WRITING! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! You know there’s gotta be some people out there who’s interested in your story if at least one person you know is into it (You).
[6] What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?
I wish I knew I didn't have to live up to the same expectations my family/others have for my writing. I'm an adult & can write whatever I want! I don't really feel the pressing weight of expectations to please others through my writing as much anymore, unless it's some form of commission/assignment. My characters can be gay, mentally ill, what have you, and I'm lucky I get the freedom to write them how I please.
[7] What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!
I wish I could but alas, I struggle to finish my thoughts in day-to-day life.
[8] What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?
From one of my English professors, grading my essay: “This analogy doesn’t work here.” Here’s another one: “?????” They’re so silly, I swear.
[9] Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?
At some point I said Darcy, but I’m feeling spicy today and I’m gonna go with Frasier today (both from my wip Crater City). I think everyone in that story is controversial because I kind of made everyone Unhinged. Well, as they say, “Oops, my bad.”
Anyway, the law isn’t the most important thing to Frasier, as he will do anything to make sure he gets his way. At some point (or maybe not yet) I mentioned how Blair and Elijah are lowkey like Frasier’s godchildren, so you can guarantee he’d use his mayor-assistant powers to make sure they’re safe. Many of the Crater City characters (except Darcy, I think) don’t really care about others outside their relationships, so the traumatic consequences of murder and destruction aren’t at the forefront of their minds.
It really makes me ask myself sometimes what defines a villain. Darcy is running around trying to save humanity by any means necessary (even to the point of merging humans with machines), while the rest of the cast just wants to live selfishly in the moment because they’re not promised a tomorrow. Truly interesting how things are developing. I think it makes them more human, but what do you think?
[10] If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?
My younger self would be surprised I had the potential to get this far. Sometimes it’s very hard to begin writing again, but as soon as I just start, I remember what it’s like to have fun writing!
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openheartfanfics · 2 years
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Newly Added Fics
Sep 17 - 23, 2022  
🎭 Angst  |  🦚 Angsty Fluff  |  🛸 AU  |  ☁ Fluff  |  ♥ NSFW  |  📚 Series  |  📷 Edit  |  📱 TextFic  |  Ⓜ Mature
BRYCE X M!MC
Late Nights - @mydemonsdrivealimo  ☁
Jensen leaves his keys at home after a night of drinking, but that's not going to stop him from getting into Bryce's apartment. [Drunk]
ETHAN X F!MC / F!OC
Checking In With The Ramseys - @genevievemd 📱
A quick check in with newlyweds, Ethan and Gen -- and it’s date night! [Social Media]
Drunk - @lem-20 ☁
Cecilia's had a little too much to drink. [Drunk]
Fever - @ofmischiefandmedicine  ♥
After an evening full of temptation, Ethan Ramsey must face the inevitable truth – Laura Levchenko is a woman impossible to forget. [Racy Thoughts]
Holding You Close - @potionsprefect  🦚
In the aftermath of the attack, Ethan doesn’t want to leave Victoria alone. [Hurt/Comfort]
I’m Yours To Tame - @txemrn  ☁ Ⓜ
While Tatum heads out for the evening, Ethan sorts through his own thoughts and feelings about his new relationship with an old friend. TW: Excessive alcohol consumption; unwanted sexual advances [Drunk]
Inebriated - @mysticalgalaxysstuff  ☁
Ethan’s reaction to a drunk Marissa saying “I have a boyfriend” when he tries to hug/kiss her. [Drunk]
In My Veins - @genevievemd 🎭
Ethan finds himself in a bar, trying to get Genevieve out of his head. [With Someone Else]
Hot Ones - @cariantha ☁
Your MC is on Hot Ones (the show)! How’s their spice tolerance and what are their preferred hot sauces? And best of all, what "spicy/ridiculous/personal" questions would they get asked?
Jane's Theory of Everything - @inlocusmads  ☁
It is Jane's first day as the newest addition to the diagnostics team and she's already missing in action. [2.1]
Once [A Nanny Affairs/Open Heart Crossover] - @peonierose  📚🛸
[mini: wip] Addison has stage four ovarian cancer. So Sam and Addi seek a consultation with Dr. Ethan Ramsey at Edenbrook. Will they make it in time? TW: Illness, cancer, mental health Feat. Ethan Ramsey
Part 1
Second Impressions - @liaromancewriter​ 📱📷 ☁
It’s Cassie’s first day as a Junior Fellow on the Diagnostics Team.  Feat. OH Gang [2.1]
Spooky Trip - @peonyblossom 📷 ☁
Ethan and Sadie go on a day trip to Salem.
Take Me Home Tonight - @the-pale-goddess  ☁ Ⓜ
Tiffany doesn’t go on a bender often. But when she does, it’s always a wild ride—especially for a certain grumpy doctor. [Drunk]
The Best Nights Are With You - @takemyopenheart  ☁
Ethan deals with his drunk girlfriend. [Drunk]
The Boyfriend Excuse - @cariantha  ☁
Ethan’s reaction to MC saying “I have a boyfriend” when he tries to hug/kiss her or something because she’s way too hammered. [Drunk]
The Question - @liaromancewriter ☁
Ethan has an important question to ask Max, but what follows is a heart-to-heart.
Try Again - @trappedinfanfiction  ☁
Two instances where Celia says she has a boyfriend, two quite different outcomes. [Drunk]
With and Without - @alwaysmychoices  📚
[extended: wip] Dr. Charlie Greene doesn’t have Ethan Ramsey. But when Charlie’s life feels like it’s out of control, she finds herself on Ethan’s doorstep. They promise each other that it’s just one night, but once they’ve broken all their rules, they can’t go back to normal…
Ch 36: Old Wounds
ETHAN X M!MC
Checking In - @peonyblossom  📱 ☁
Ethan and Sydney check in on each other during the day. 
ETHAN X TOBIAS
Clearing the Air - @coffeeheartaddict2  🦚
Whilst in Hawaii for a colleague’s wedding, Ethan and Tobias have a frank discussion about their past. [Platonic]
Unlikely Allies - @potionsprefect  ☁
A tragic event bring two former enemies much closer. [Platonic]
PLATONIC
Bowling Blues - @liaromancewriter  📱 📷
Cassie and her friends go bowling to blow off some steam on a weekday. Feat. OH Gang
TOBIAS X F!MC / F!OC
An Introduction - @a-crepusculo  ☁
A night at Donahue’s took an unexpected turn.
The Big Secret - @jerzwriter  ☁
Casey and Tobias are trying to figure out what they are to each other; when she calls him to meet her at Donahue's, does she let it all out?
_
SUBMIT OPEN HEART FICS & WRITERS HERE
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dexadin · 1 year
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Do you use anything like a sanity system in AtSBB? I think it's a cool idea and I saw another DM talk about theirs but they make a lot of really tasteless jokes about mental illness in a lot of their other posts, so I'm hesitant to use theirs...
Oof, I haven't seen that one (guy who ironically doesn't follow any strahd tags except my own on tumblr dot com)
Sanity systems are a strange spot to be in . A lot of games have sanity systems to represent the effects of mental anguish that the PCs go through, and give mechanical and rp 'quirks' to show for it. There are obvious issues with that--it puts us in a hairy position of coming off as ableist, even with the term sanity. As a person with mental illnesses, I also think they can be really fun to play!! I think that it's important to check in with players about if they're cool with that sort of thing, and also double check what kind of effects the system might impart. When I play with prebuilt sanity systems, we remove effects that are obviously offensive (off the top of my hear, "split personalities" as a random effect are one of the no-gos that I always remove). We also always play with the common understanding that we're doing so with respect and compassion.
All of that said, I do kind of ?? Have a sanity system? I'm putting the rest of this under a read more so that my players don't read it. Spoilers for CoS below~
I've been trying to figure out a good name for what I made, because it's not purely a sanity system by the mechanics of games like Call of Cthulhu, which heavily rely on a sanity mechanic for gameplay. But it's also not purely a corruption mechanic like some games have. Its definitely inspired by sanity and corruption mechanics, but also by honor and reputation mechanics in other ttrpgs. The system I made is effected not only by extenuating circumstances (failed saves and bad choices) but also by the party's moral decisions as a group and as individuals, and by the attention the PCs are receiving from the Dark Powers. For the sake of brevity, and because I think it's apt and also sounds cool as hell, I'm gonna call my system a Desperation system.
Some sanity/corruption mechanics are effects tables that you can roll on during events that trigger it or after a certain threshold of points is reached. Mine is more of a secret modifier that can go up or down. In response to certain requests from players that I think should be otherwise impossible, especially in situations that I'd otherwise require a Luck check, I have my players make a flat die roll (usually a d20 or d100 depending on how spicy I think the attempt is) and add their Desperation modifier. I determine the DC based on how desperate a person would have to be to do the things that needed to be done to make the world bend in a way to allow the action to be taken.
If the player fails the secret Desperation check, their struggle is ignored by the world, bringing their Desperation up. If they succeed the Desperation check, the will either fully succeed in the action they are taking, but it will be at a price. Maybe they receive a horrible vision of the future, or a flashback to their past. Maybe they start having chronic nightmares that eventually starts to cause exhaustion if it isn't solved. Maybe they catch the eye of the Dark Powers, or another entity that decides to make the PC its plaything. Some of the effects I've doled out seem more like the effects you could find on a sanity or corruption table, and some of them are very situational.
What triggers me to change the Desperation modifier? Any time the players make an immoral choice that would have been out of character for them at the beginning of the game, I consider it into their Desperation. Anytime I have a player begging, in character (rp) or out of character (meta), I consider it into their Desperation. If they are actively communicating or reaching out to a Dark Power for help, whether they know it's a Dark Power or not, it's considered into their Desperation mechanic. In short, if you fuck around enough, You Will Find Out. On the flipside, when the players earn enough trust with NPCs who actively want to help them, when they're doing good to no benefit, when things seem to be looking sunny in Barovia, their desperation goes down.
My players know that there is a mechanic; after all, I have them do random d20 rolls that affect Something, but crucially, the players do not know what the mechanic is, how it works, or how it changes.
TLDR; I wanted there to be some way to keep note of how desperate my PCs get as they traverse the mists, and I think the secret Desperation modifier represents how desperate means get desperate ends, and that isn't always entirely in our control. It's equal parts sanity, corruption, honor, and luck--with a tragic and horrific twist.
I hope this was at all coherent. My desperation effects are currently largely improvised and situational rather than written or random. If people are interested, maybe I could write up a proper homebrew chart or something? Let me know!
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daz4i · 1 year
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I am in the same boat, my dude, I'm always mentally ill about Atsushi.
Honestly my absolute favourite thing about him is the way he is a perfect grey character. Like he is always directly in the middle, confused and muddled and somewhere between good and bad but slowly learning from the influences around him, again, both good and bad.
Like one of my favourite episodes is when he finds out the orphanage director is dead and he was in town because he was looking for Atsushi to congratulate him for his achievements. Just... It's so good, dude, you can feel the burning resentment Atsushi has for this man and the refusal to admit that maybe he had some good in him even after finding proof that he did care for Atsushi despite the things he did with it all just culminating in Atsushi being so confused and conflicted and Dazai telling him that the only thing he knew was that people tend to cry when their fathers die, not to comfort Atsushi, but to let him know that despite the circumstances, it's okay that he's feeling what he is feeling.
I dunno, dude... Atsushi is just such a unique and honestly quite refreshing protagonist. And thinking about him too much makes me go feral.
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GOD YES I LOVE HIM
he is just so so realistic like genuinely. the way he copes with trauma and how it changes his perception of the world and how he treats people. it's so interesting and so real and so different
like you'd expect him to be an average shonen protag and he does share a lot of traits with them, mainly the need to help others, but you could argue the reason he does that is, in a way, selfish. and that's so fucking spicy (to be clear i don't think it is and that's a very. uh. unhealthy way to view good deeds but that's a topic for another time. more talking about how the narrative presents his choices, and i'd argue also how he views himself)
i love how he subverts your expectations by being somewhat naive or innocent at times, but then he still won't let shit cut a lot of times and he's not afraid to call people out even when they could very easily hurt him if they wanted. and it's not for their benefit or smth like sometimes he's just tired of their shit. so cool fr
also I FEEL YOU this episode was probably the closest i came to crying from the anime 😭 the fucking emotional rollercoaster man. you said it better than i could honestly. i think it is such an important part of his growth and learning to accept that he's allowed to live - learning that his emotions have a place too, and unlearning all the hiding he was forced to do in the orphanage
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hacked-by-jake · 2 years
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Request Rules II Infos
Please read this before requesting. Will be updated every now and then, I will let you know.
I know it’s late, but better than never. xD
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Currently open:
Oneshots/Headcanons: CLOSED
Ask Game: Closed
Imagine Game: Closed
Do you accept requests?
Yes, I accept requests, but please make sure they are open first. Requests that are sent despite closed requests are simply deleted so that I can keep track.
What are you writing?
I only write oneshots, headcanons, prompt list based fics, ask game requests (short fics) and imagine requests (short fics)
Most of them are Fem!MC or GN!MC. At the moment, I’m not really writing for Male!MC. Since I need a lot of my imagination to get things right, I always have to make sure that I feel comfortable. I have some requests for Male!MC, and I will try everything, but I can not promise anything.
Genres I write:
Almost all genre but..The topic Smut…
Smut or NSFW is one such thing. You’re welcome to inquire, but we both have to be lucky to get me to write real smut. My big problem is that I’m too self-critical on the subject of smut. It must be really good for me to post complete smut. But I’ll do my best. What I have no problem with is the genre, (on this blog we usually call it 'Spicy') Suggestive content. Things like, for example, making out are absolutely no problem.
What aren’t you writing?
Well, listing everything would be pretty hard, but here are some of the most important things.
Personal oneshots containing names for MC, for example.
Pregnancy/Being a Mother/Father
Smut/Spice with underage MC/Characters
Mental Illness (If I do not know enough about the desired diseases or can contribute my own experiences.) I will not write anything romanticizing a mental illness.
Suicide
Rape
Pedophilia
Homophobia or racism. Discrimination in general is absolutely not desired on this blog. If you share such thoughts, YOU are not welcome on this blog. And I have no problem saying that should you even consider sending something to my blog in this direction, you can imagine that I punched you in the face for it. :D
Extreme Yandere
How do I request?
I only accept requests via the ask box, of course also as an anon, but I really only ask you to use the ask box. I have a lot of requests and it’s really hard to also focus on PM’s.
Please always be friendly and kind, especially with requests.
Requests that look like: Do (Thing) or Make it (thing) are not really nice for me personally. (Maybe I’m exaggerating here, but it feels very forced. :')
Also, please always make sure I know what exactly you mean.Is your request for Oneshots? For the Ask Game? For the Imagine Game? Simply throwing a pairing and a word into my ask box can be quite confusing. (From now on, this will always be obvious to see what is open and what is not)
It is much easier to write something if you give me more details than: "Can you do (thing)." If you have an idea, you can describe it as detailed as possible. The probability that I will write something faster is also higher. (Especially with topics like Smut, it is very helpful when I get detailed what exactly you want.Things like "can you please make Dom!Jake x Sub!Reader" shows me what you want but finding something of your own can be hard)
Please always remember, I only write things that I feel comfortable with. Some ideas are really incredibly good and I like them very much, but they don’t fit into the length of a oneshot or an ask/imagine game.
Sometimes I have already written very similar things, if your request is not detailed enough so I know what exactly you want, I will post your request and refer you to the existing fics. If this is not what you are looking for, you are welcome to come back, this time perhaps a little more detail.
Multiple requests that are the same or similar are likely to be combined.
In addition, there are simply topics that I myself do not like so much or that trigger me perhaps also myself. I really just want to write things I’m comfortable with.
Due to various things, it may take a long time for me to process your requests. My requests are actually always open, as it can always be that a topic is so good that I can immediately write something about it, while other requests take longer. Also, I do not write according to the order in which I receive the requests. I write what I really like and what inspires me the most.
I’m really sorry that sometimes it can take a really long time, but writing is sometimes not so easy for me, I ask and hope for your understanding. <3
Do not send me requests that you have already sent to another person. And certainly no requests that you simply send with copy & paste into all possible ask boxes. Believe me, I'll see it and I’ll just delete your request. I am very happy about all the requests I receive and I feel very honored if you decide to send me a request but I’m not a fan of sending everyone the same and in the end only the better fanfiction will get attention.
Drabble Game requests:
Please always send:
->Pairing &lt;;- (Example Jake x MC) and also GN!MC or Fem!MC. ->Genre <- (Example: Fluff / Spice) ->One word/ one sentence <- (Example: Word: Kiss // Sentence: MC and Jake kiss each other in the rain)
Please note that these are always short stories/ excerpts from stories. If the plot is too big, it becomes hard to write something like this (Example: Writing something like a whole fight or a bigger plot makes it hard)
(Short Disclaimer. (Date: Saturday, April 16, 2022.) If you’ve ever submitted a request that looks like the above, please don’t take that as a personal attack or that I’m mad or something about it. After all, it’s my own fault, that I have never said exactly how I wanted requests before, so don’t worry, everything is fine)
Characters I write for:
All Duskwood Charakters. Special: Nymos!Brother
Any Questions about my writing?
Don't be shy, just ask. I will appreciate it! <3
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Done? -> My Ask Box
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My Masterlists:
Main Masterlist I Ask Game M.list I Imagine Game M.list
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Last update: 16 April 2022
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TW: EATING DISORDERS AND FOOD RESTRICTION (for medical reasons)
i feel like maybe i’ve been getting sucked back into my old eating disorder behaviors
i’ve been very ill for a while with GERD and Barrett's esophagus, as well as something called SIBO (which i just got diagnosed with last week). i've been trying to figure out what’s been making me so ill for almost a year, and have been on a very restricted medical diet the entire time: no gluten, dairy, chocolate, fried food, alcohol, acidic food/drinks, spicy food, or drinks with carbonation. i also can’t eat large meals, or eat less than 3 hours before bed (i often get home from work at 9:30pm, so sometimes i skip dinner so i can sleep). food also makes me sick when i get too stressed, so i spend some days not eating because i can't afford to get sick and miss work.
now that i have a diagnosis, i’ll need to be on an even more restricted diet for a while and take some antibiotics, but then i should be okay. but i’ve lost a lot of weight over the last year and i’ve been eating less and less every day; i’m afraid that after i’m healed, i won’t be able to mentally give this diet up.
i really wasn’t expecting this, it really crept up on me
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listen brain I was not asking for a gender identity questioning that I can't tell if its legit questioning or my ocd just decided to pull a prank on Sunday afternoon.
i try to rationalize by calling myself a man and I feel really weird by that therefore I can't identify as such but there is always that "what if". it's difficult bc I questioned before and I had always the "prolly you are in denial for your own safety".
it doesn't help that people perceive me as boyish which I like it but it's a step closer for them to see me as a man. Is it because the archetype of manhood that I hold in mind and influences my cognition is the toxic one?? aren't there other way healthier forms of manhood that I am failing to see? there are actually.
given those forms of manhood, I can't identify as a man, even tho I kinda fit in several archetypes of manhood.
gender does not make sense to me. but every time I say this I dunno if I'm just in denial bc fucking cisnormative society thinks if you are trans at least fit in the binary. don't be more freak than you are already. but one thing I can say for certain is that I can't fit in neither binary genders and I don't mind not fitting in.
I have some things that a society with penchant for labels and roles would consider masculine and some things that would be considered feminine. now do I have to be in a pendulum of gender identity bc cis people and some trans people can't conceive something out of the binary?
what are gender archetypes if not sets of arbitrary human traits that are being deconstructed by people from different backgrounds? it's more of a philosophical inquiry than anything.
Outside of this, it does make sense for someone that fights to be perceived as the gender identity they own, when they have the whole society perceiveing them as someone they aren't. It makes sense for a trans woman fighting to be seen as one, as she is constantly being reminded by bathroom laws and "groomer" discourse, that society not only reminds of her assigned gender at birth and perceives her as such but she is also demonized by such.
I can't be dismissive to those people that genuinely like labels, that would be doing almost the same thing the cisnormative society does. I never truly understood gender but I don't know if I would defend its abolishing.
I do in fact envy trans binary people for how happy they are for their future societal recognition (being perceived as they are). They know how they could be perceived as their true selves, through transition. But my envy has rational limitations since there is a lot of medical gatekeeping in transitioning and an increasing risk of transphobia.
However I will argue that, although trans binary' struggle is way more visceral, trans non binary people deal with the perpetual lost sense of identity bc of lack of recognition which is also very agonizing, even more so bc many of us don't want to transition.
we are damned either to be perceived as our assigned gender or as freaks. it tends to be the former for me.
I tell them I'm non binary but fuck it let's perceive them as a woman. probably it's just a spicy version of one, which just makes me go back 3 years ago. And I don't have the energy neither the courage to correct cis people or tell them. I don't even feel that I'm trans, just an ambiguous gender thingy. I wish I could say I'm trans but I don't feel seen as such.
I'm also mentally ill and neurodivergent which it's another factor to be dismissed cis they think it's something I made up bc lol I am crazy.
it's all about perception. I'm always fighting to be perceived as an ambiguous gender fuck punk by dressing whatever cool stuff I find, tying my hair and being autistic. but somehow they still see me as a woman bc what even are more than two categories xD
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agirldying · 2 years
Note
hey I'm back. I feel like a fool about to type this:
I really dont see myself living much longer.
being an adult in this kind of world is not just hard but also not interesting to me.
I didnt ask for any of this money shit my life isnt in its worth on paper.
our identities are just numbers.
I didnt consent to authority nor do I want to be within a hierarchy that I didnt consent to.
I dont want my schedule to have had to be fixed for me since kindergarten.
its not even just the trauma its just everything. my whole personality is not typical and my wants and needs are not "normal"
I know a lot of people can relate to hating the way society works and having government or at least how it works, I just dont want any authority or government. im anti- all of it.
I hate being told what to do. I hate having expectations. I hate caring about people more than they do about me ive felt that way since I was a little kid. im anhedonic I think idk. I hate too much and I feel like I give off sad or angry or negative energy so I try to act as funny and happy around people as possible.
my book or whatever I should call it isnt near completion. but ill post it online for free regardless. its too retraumatizing to recount everything. I get shakes. im trying to find websites or make my own to post it up for public view but idk what to use yet.
tbh the idea that I'M in control of my life and can end it when I want sometimes makes me feel euphoric and I think it helps to get through another day. well see.
Hi Cyber (should I call you Sabrina?),
I don't really know if you'll find much comfort in this but you're definitely not alone. I can definitely relate to feeling like adulthood is overwhelming and simultaneously boring, feeling a level of resentment for being thrust into a society with specific confusing and costly structures and expectations, etc. I hear you.
While I think it's definitely possible that you're anhedonic I also think it's likely that your ability to feel pleasure is covered up by a lot of things, including (potentially undigested?) trauma. But as for what you said about feeling like you give off bad energy so you compensate by being super positive, I have an extremely similar situation which I've concluded was impostor syndrome. I don't know if you've looked into it at all or if you think that's a possibility but I wouldn't rule it out either.
I completely understand the difficulty around recounting everything like that. While writing my expose I have had several mental breakdowns and at this point I just start dissociating and getting really spacey. As for things to publish it on, you could do what I'm doing and just make a spicy google doc. Or some things I've done are: Wordpress, Wix, and even its own tumblr blog. tbh making your own tumblr blog for it might be the best bet because it's basically your own free html website and you can change the timestamps so posts are in the order you want them to appear, not to mention all the different ways to customize the page (try viewing this blog through agirldying.tumblr.com).
I'm just really sorry about your situation and I do care about you so I hope that you live on and I just wish nothing but the best for you.
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